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Author’s note: this is the VERY FIRST fanfiction I have ever written. And it’s the first creative thing I’ve written since . . . middle school? I used to want to be a writer but I became self-conscious and perfectionistic (not super helpful for a wannabe writer), so I stopped writing. Recently I was inspired to revisit this old hobby of mine and decided to try writing something that was free of any pressure whatsoever and ta-da! now I have this overly self-indulgent beginning of a story. I am actually a pediatric psychologist and this is my fantasy of a meet-cute with Yoongi. I discovered BTS in early 2020 as I was really struggling with my job and then the pandemic made things even more difficult. I was living alone, 4 hours away from family, during a pandemic that put even more pressure on a job that was already burning me out. BTS became one of the few sources of joy  at the time and I truly believe they helped me out of one of the worst periods of my life. I have written more about this fantasy life with Yoongi (including some smut), but it’s not even close to a cohesive story and there is no point other than to practice writing. Again, this is the first thing I’ve written in decades and I have NO IDEA how to use Tumblr, so I’d love any feedback or even just to hear how BTS has helped you. Take care!

It was a typical Thursday. I trudged through my door and dropped my bags, exhausted. My work used to energize me, but I had been feeling more and more drained at the end of the week. I rubbed my temples, trying to soothe a headache that had been building all day, as I walked toward the kitchen to try to scrounge up something to eat. I willed myself to focus on the present moment and not think about having to go back to work in the morning. Am I burning out? Are the decades of hustling through undergrad, graduate school, internship, postdoctoral fellowship, and licensing all catching up to me? I was so singularly focused on my goal for so long, did I ever stop to ask myself if the goal still made me happy? The timer for my rice dinged me back to reality. Thoughts like this were creeping in more and more recently. Thoughts like “am I happy?” often followed and sent me on a path straight toward an existential crisis. “Tomorrow will be different,” I reminded myself, remembering that a famous band was going to visit our unit to meet the kids. It would definitely be different from the norm, which was at least something.

I woke up feeling nervous. I took a bit of extra time getting ready in the morning, applying a bit of concealer and blush when I would normally only wear mascara. Morning rounds went smoothly, but there was definitely a noticeable buzz in the air. A positive buzz, which was rare on the children’s oncology unit. I tried to enjoy the moment, but I found myself pacing in my office during the late morning. I’m always nervous when I meet new people and these new people had cameras with them. I reminded myself that it was for the kids and took a deep breath in through my nose to slow my heart rate. A loud knock on my office door snapped me back to reality. I opened the door to one of the nurses smiling brightly, “BTS is here to see you!” I pulled the door all the way open and in walked about a dozen people.

I picked out the seven members instantly, as well as three people with cameras, a few makeup artists, and what I presumed to be a manager or two. I backed up and leaned against my desk. My office was big enough to hold everyone, but I started to feel stifled as I breathed in slowly through my nose again. I smiled and said “welcome, I’m Dr. Y/L/N, thank you all so much for coming.” The tallest one, RM, whose name I learned after extensive quizzing from the kids, smiled a sweet, dimpled smile and said “thank you for inviting us, it’s a privilege to be here, I’m RM.” I paused and scanned the faces in the room for the other 6 that were familiar to me after weeks of memorization drills. “You’re RM, of course,” I scanned all the way to the right “and you’re Jin, J-hope, V, Jimin, Suga, and Jungkook,” they each smiled and nodded in turn. “Welcome to the hospital, we are so pleased to have you. I’m the lead psychologist on the unit. I’m not sure if you read my letter, but we are very big BTS fans on this unit.” RM nodded, “we did read it and it was very touching.” The rest of the guys nodded. “Your music really is healing,” I explained, “we listen to it all the time in group. It started about a year ago when I asked the kids to bring in a song that expressed a feeling they weren’t able to express with their own words. One girl brought in ‘Ugh’ and explained that the lyrics were about feeling righteous anger at actual injustice, rather than petty things, and she said it perfectly explained how she felt listening to her friends complain about homework as she had to go through chemotherapy. I was astounded and went home to listen to the song and read the translated lyrics and it was just amazing. Since then, BTS songs have been a regular part of our group therapy, so thank you all for writing such meaningful music.” A deep yet soft voice responded, “it’s really nice to hear that people can gain strength from these songs.” I scanned the room and saw that it was Suga speaking, dark eyes sparkling over a lopsided grin. He continued, “sometimes I wonder if people actually understand what we’re trying to communicate when we write them, but this is really validating.” A few of the members looked surprised at Suga’s words, RM even had an eyebrow cocked. “I can’t tell you how excited our kids are to meet you all,” I paused for a moment and inhaled slowly, “and I want to let you all know that today might be a tough day for you. A lot of people really struggle after being on a kids’ cancer floor, I definitely did when I started here. It’s OK to feel sad and angry, but please try to stay as positive in front of the kids as possible.” They all nodded emphatically, but I could see some concern on their faces. “We can debrief after your visit and I’m here for whatever you need. I’m just so thankful that you’re here.” I smiled brightly and reviewed a few more expectations before we headed out the door.

After the visit everyone crowded back into my office. I could see tears in a few of their eyes as I quietly passed around a tissue box. “I really can’t tell you how appreciative I am, it’s been a while since we’ve felt that sort of energy and positivity on this unit,” I paused to give them time to come back to the moment. “Here’s my card,” I handed a card to everyone in the room, “please do not hesitate to call or email if you want to talk about this, I know how hard it can be. I just hope you can be comforted by the fact that you all brought so much joy to those children today.” I made sure to look each person in the eye as I shook their hands, trying to communicate just how thankful I was for their trip. Once they had all shuffled out of the door, I sank into my office chair and let out a long breath that I didn’t realize I had been holding.

That night I walked into my home and felt exhausted, but it was a different kind of exhaustion than the one to which I had grown accustomed. I made dinner absentmindedly as I reflected on the day’s activities. While waiting for water to boil, I pulled out my phone and checked my work email out of habit. I had one new message from “Min Yoongi” that read “Hi Dr. Y/L/N, it’s Suga from BTS. Thank you for having us at the hospital today, it was an eye-opening experience. I wanted to ask if you are free to meet sometime to talk about what you do? I’m very interested in psychology and would really like to talk to you about it. We’re in town for a little while, so there’s no rush. Hope to hear from you soon.” My heart sped up a little bit, this superstar was interested in MY job? How funny. I dashed off a reply offering to meet him at a coffee shop on Friday after my morning shift at the hospital. To my surprise, I got a quick response back agreeing to meet the next day.

I walked in and scanned the small coffee shop and saw a handful of tech-types hunched over laptops. I saw a figure in a black baseball cap and dark clothes in a booth on in the back corner, next to the windows. He looked up and I could see Suga smiling behind round-rimmed glasses underneath the ball cap. “Hi Suga, I’m so sorry I’m late, my meeting ran over,” I said almost breathlessly, as I had power walked from my car. He smiled and said “it’s no problem, I’ve only been here a minute or two. Also, you can call me Yoongi, that’s my real name.” I felt my heart speed up a little, almost like it was a privilege to call him by his real name. “Well Yoongi, since I’m late, it’s my treat,” I said as I grabbed for my wallet. “No no, I’m the one who asked you here, it’s my treat,” he insisted, pushing my wallet away, “what would you like?” “An iced Americano please,” I replied as I tucked my wallet back into my purse. He gave a lopsided smile and slid out of the booth and up to the counter to order. I took a deep breath in through my nose to steady my heartrate.

“I drink iced Americanos too,” he said as he got back into the booth. I grinned, “not for the faint of heart.” After pausing a beat to let him get settled, I dove in, “so you’re into psychology?” Yoongi nodded, “I’ve always been interested in how people think, myself included,” he chuckled, “and I recently started reading some books on psychological theory. I meet so many people and sometimes I just don’t know what to say, so it would be nice to have a way to make people feel better,” he shrugged, “how did you get into psychology?” “Me?” I looked up as the server dropped off the coffee. I tapped the straw onto the table, “my noble answer is that I wanted to help people, but I think I just like learning about people. A supervisor one told me I gave her favorite answer to the question of ‘why do you want to be a psychologist’ when she interviewed me,” I pulled the straw from the wrapping with my teeth. “And?” Yoongi asked, eyebrows raised in anticipation. I shrugged, “I said it was because I’m nosy.” He laughed and his shoulders shook, which made me laugh. I continued, “I guess I’ve always felt my life was pretty boring, so I’ve been fascinated by learning about other people.” “Now I’m the one who’s fascinated,” Yoongi smiled shyly and his dark eyes sparkled. I felt my stomach lurch and my cheeks flush, there was no way this handsome, famous man was flirting with me. He was being nice, I had to get a grip. We chatted about psychology and then it turned, as it inevitably does, to our families. “What about you? Do you get to see your family often?” I asked. “Maybe a few times a year. I’ve always been pretty independent, but I’ve found it’s a little harder to be away now that I’m older and my parents are older,” he replied. “Do you have any siblings?” “An older brother, what about you?” “Ah a youngest child, I should have known,” I winked, “I have a younger sister.” “An oldest child, I should have known,” Yoongi winked back and smiled so widely that his eyes crinkled and I could see his pink gums. “I live pretty far from my family too, I miss them a lot,” I looked down, fiddling with the empty straw wrapper. “It’s hard to feel like you have to sacrifice certain things for your career. I didn’t mind as much when I was younger but,” Yoongi trailed off, looking out the window. It was like he had read my mind. I had had this conversation with friends so many times before. “Exactly. I’ve moved around so many times for training and for work. I always felt like I had to move on to the next thing and now that I guess I’ve reached my goals, I feel like ‘now what?’ It’s a little scary.” Yoongi’s eyes softened and his voice lowered almost to a whisper “I know exactly what you mean.” The air hung comfortably quiet around us until I spoke, “maybe I need to make some new goals to work on.” Yoongi smiled and his phone buzzed, he checked it and then his eyes opened wide, “oh man it’s already 2PM.” I pulled out my phone, not able to believe him, “what?! No wonder I’m starving. Do you want to grab lunch, I don’t think this place has food.” I gulped after I realized what I’d done. I’m sure this man has plenty more to do than spend more time with me today. He nodded, “yes absolutely, what do you recommend?” My heart quickened, “do you like Mexican food? I know an incredible taco place close by.” He nodded and pulled out his phone, “I’ll have to call a car.” “Oh don’t be silly, I can drive you if you want.” “OK,” he smiled and followed me to the car. He got into the passenger seat and looked around, “it’s kind of weird to sit in the front seat, I’m always in the back even if it’s just me,” he said wistfully. It seemed that sitting in the front seat was a joy for him and I was happy to oblige, “oh yeah, I imagine you don’t drive yourself around a lot anymore.” “No, I do miss it though.” We chatted about the weather as we drove to the taco shop.

I can drop you wherever you need to go,” I offered after we finished lunch. “That’s really nice, I’m heading to the recording studio, I’ll pull up the GPS.” We continued to chat easily as we drove through the streets. I began to feel a slight sadness with every turn, realizing my time with Yoongi was coming to an end. It had been a while since I had such an easygoing time with someone, it was a nice break, and almost like having a friend in this still-new-to-me city. I pulled into the parking lot and put on a close-lipped smile. Yoongi turned to me, his eyebrows knitted, “that drive felt too short,” he said and gave a half smile. My smile turned genuine and I replied “I know.” “We should get coffee or something again soon, I’ll probably have more psychology questions for you,” he said, looking out the window. Could he really be asking to see me again? “Let me give you my number so you can text me or call me,” he typed my number into his cell phone and smiled then got out of the car. I was disappointed he didn’t text me right away to share his number, maybe he was just being polite when he said he wanted to get coffee again. He’s famous, he knows how to charm people. I was feeling a little disappointed all afternoon until I got a text from an unknown number at around 7PM. It was a picture of an iced Americano with the caption “not for the faint of heart.”