@sunsets-and-storms @psychicboho @pinkfluffytissuebox 

Ray-Ban Sunglasses

“Have you ever platonically fallen for someone? For the things they say and how they can always cheer you up, no matter the circumstances? For how you can count on them and the way they get so enthusiastic about the things they love? Have you ever watched someone without them noticing and just felt your heart burst of love for everything they do and everything they are, feeling incredibly proud to have them as a friend? Have you ever been in awe due to the feeling of being blessed by the sheer existence of another human being?”

— // friendship j.d.m.

Why disturb her peace if your intentions were to never love her in the first place?

We have romanticised the idea of love. We are so terrified of being an adult, that some of us will take the wrong person, the wrong jigsaw piece and just jam them in our jigsaw anyway, denying that they clearly don’t fit. We force them into our lives because we much rather have something than nothing. People are more in love with the idea of love than the person they are with. But because we are stupid, we risk it. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. There’s nothing wrong with taking time for yourself, to work out who you are. Because how can you offer who you are if you don’t know who you are? There’s nothing wrong with being selfish for a bit, because we have the rest of our lives to be selfless. If you only love yourself 20%, that means someone can come along and love you 30%, you’re like “wow that’s so much”. It’s literally less than half. Where as if you love yourself 100%, a person who falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special.

Self love is like an ocean, and your heart is the vessel. Make it full, and any excess will spill over into the lives of those who you hold dear, but you must come first.

Sometimes you meet with a person and you just click. You’re comfortable with them and you don’t have to pretend your anyone or anything.

I do not know what you want from me X, what do you want from my friends? I have taken the mature route and decided to cut you out of my life to look after myself, from all this toxicity that has grown out of our relationship. Since last year I have tried, and tried, and gave it my all to make you feel better so we could build another bridge to cross and make things okay again. However, each time I tried to say something helpful or gave you advice, you would self-sabotage yourself and make another excuse to not get better. I sent you numbers of online councillors, links to mental health websites, inspirational quotes, reached out to your parents and your friends, all with the aim to look out for you.

You have never understood the weight of your words when you texted me all those nights when you were upset. You repeatedly saying you want to overdose on drugs and cut yourself to sleep will forever haunt me. You showing me your cuts and pictures of knives is triggering for me because of my own past. I have dealt with my demons, and I have finally found a peaceful place in my mind now. In saying that, my mind has not been at rest since its always been thinking about what you would do to yourself next. I am sorry X that I cannot be that source of support you want. This is because you’ve made me feel like I have turned you into this. In every sad poem, every suicidal text, I am somehow involved. Your anger, sadness and resentment for life has somehow always linked back to me. You might not subconsciously do this, but this is why I have to protect myself from you.

You have never understood the weight of your words when you texted me all those nights when you were upset. You repeatedly saying you want to overdose on drugs and cut yourself to sleep will forever haunt me. You showing me your cuts and pictures of knives is triggering for me because of my own past. I have dealt with my demons, and I have finally found a peaceful place in my mind now. In saying that, my mind has not been at rest since its always been thinking about what you would do to yourself next. I am sorry X that I cannot be that source of support you want. This is because you’ve made me feel like I have turned you into this. In every sad poem, every suicidal text, I am somehow involved. Your anger, sadness and resentment for life has somehow always linked back to me. You might not subconsciously do this, but this is why I have to protect myself from you.

I have chosen to take you out of my life, and that does not mean you enter my friends. You say that “every time I talked about our situation is because my friends ask”. X, I know this is not true. I have read every message, top to bottom of what you’ve said, how they have responded, how many times you messaged them. They cannot take the responsibility of your mental health. I need to look after them because I know what it will turn into. Leave them alone. Also, you coming to my house without being welcomed, was not okay. You dropped off a letter with no good outcoming or purpose, just the contents being a blameful poem of how things never worked out.

I have tried to be friends with you, I made an effort. It has been MONTHS since 2019 November, nearly half a year, and you won’t let me move on, you won’t let yourself move on. You can’t let me be happy. I forgave you for what happened, I have been in that situation before, when it was wrong timing for someone to get into a relationship. However, since then its been near impossible to be the same. Every single conversation had to be about this. Every message led to us fighting over the same fucking thing. I am tired, I am so so tired. And here I write this to you in tears, because I will always care for you, but I can no longer be in your life. You need to respect that, but you haven’t. Please, if you actually loved me, let me go. Let me be and move on properly. I promise, when you can let me go, you will see that it was the right decision for both of us at the end of the day.

http://www.tiktok.com/@aliciaaamann