xhimitsushit-blog
Himitsu's Shits
Thoughts of a walking disaster | contradiction | universe.
Let's discuss intellectually! Or send me pizza.
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Text
it’s a lot
random nice words and sentences
but also ugly thoughts and voices
wasn’t there, didn’t know
you needed me, i turned to go
such a pain, sleeping cold
a hypocrite, a broken code
i felt, i didn’t know, they didn’t--
the art of feeling, no one is fluent
let’s revert, restart, rewind
all that we are, we’ve been
we can never be now, always was
surreal, unreal, no--what?
why? you didn’t tell me, yet you did
you let me know, but to others--?
did you, too? am i alone?
as you were, as i am, now
azure, blue, white, blue, blood.
and all is done. so close and not--
i was there but wasn’t, i’m scared.
sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry
and a decade. there’s nothing to do.
i want to do nothing, with you.
but you wanna do nothing with you
and one last thing you did before
that nothing at all
nothing is what i am
everything is what you are
and could’ve beens
he wasn’t my what-if, she wasn’t--
they weren’t--I am not a what-if
but you are. are a mystery
are. was. no! are? always.
i see you everyday i lie
you’re not a mirror. don’t fly
away, my comfort, my nothing
i’m dying--no. we’re laughing
but in this “we”, i’m just me
me, singular, dismantled
like all the feelings i’ve taken
for granted. now, feeling all
and nothing. i’m feeling you--
creeping, crying. i wanna cry
with you, lie with you
punch everything. ruin, ugly
like every fiber of my being
take me away, can i take
me away? i’m a carousel
you’re joy, intoxicating
but sad, angry, guilty
still here, you never leave
or am i stuck here, to weave
dark robes and gray clothes
replacing like a lost ghost
i’m buried but i’m falling
are they catching me, only
to be dragged underwater
but it’s mud, dirt, hard things
i’m choking and dreaming awake
but i’m just here, unmoving
i’m hiding in a deep, dark lake
i can never be found because
no one looks at me, i’m right
here, away. like you were.
i wrote this more than three years ago, a friend of mine had just took his own life in a church near us. he used to stay in our house and just do nothing, like a sometimes-sibling. i used to give him part of my pack lunch because i hate food even then. when we started college, he asked me multiple times to meet up, chill out and things--our schedules never totally matched and i was too stupid not to make time. until it was too late, that is.
i was going through a lot of things that time, feeling a lot of things. everything just poured right out of me. i can’t even remember my train of thought, i can’t follow my sentences, these were barely coherent--my brain was all over the place and my emotions probably were even worse. this is a meltdown baby, i think.
i hope i could’ve done things differently, handled them differently. but here i am now. i want this to be saved here (im basically just saving things here, like a fucking cloud drive or something) so i can reminisce how strongly i feel, how much love i would’ve given if i knew how to give it. a reminder also, for me, to reach out to those i love. it could have saved me and them.
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There's no "above", or "under", or "around" it
(Shadowhunter chronicles inspired characters, because why not?)
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seeing in a different color doesn’t make sense
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longing for something i haven’t experienced ever
drawing without thinking.
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leaden
the first time i didn’t wanna wake up early--
i was bone tired
like the tiredness you feel when you didn’t wanna be touched by the world, the tiredness that’s in your guts,
heavy, alive, but makes you feel dead
i was shoved out of bed by my mother
she said i was a lazy good-for-nothing and threatened to do things i find inconvenient
which only spread the tiredness more
that i felt it in my arms and my legs as i moved
i still feel it now
whenever i smile, or talk, or look someone in the eyes.
i’m tired.
but it’s wrong.
i shouldn’t be tired.
i have no right to be tired.
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HERNST FANART !!!!! (yes, i suck at experimenting with styles)
i know, i messed up the resolution. fuck.
#spring awakening#hanschen x ernst#hanschen rilow#ernst robel#hernst#fanart#gay piano#this musical was ahead of all of us
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chibi fanart of Elphaba and Glinda, bc i wanna have fun with different art styles (even tho i don’t have my own, yet)
i h0pE y0uRe hAppY
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I’m gunna tell the story of how you blew us all away.
never too late for a hamilton fanart~ especially for my cinnamon rolls john laurens and philip hamilton!
#Hamilton#philip hamilton#john laurens#Fanart#cinnamonrolls#how do you fuckin color#medibang#emotional trauma
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a subtle murder
go ahead and etch your soul
into my heart.
let it flow through my veins,
even into my lungs.
then draw that knife you wield
and watch as the blood sputter
out of my chest.
see the air escape
as i struggle to breathe,
and walk away
as i lay dead.
you killed me, i let you.
now i’m bleeding black
all over my walls,
and my walking corpse
has taken a liking
to waking but dying
everyday.
and you left on my skin
scars that say:
maybe only death
will be our always.
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We all have broken parts that we try to live with.
new art~ what a fun concept, kinda wanna make a story surrounding her.
**created using Animate and Medibang ft. mouse, back pain, and private fantasies.
#art#fallen angel#halfling#half-angel#half-demon#wings#naked girl#the bisexual gods are laughing at my face
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dissociating
there are a lot of things
within me that feel like
poems but aren’t quite;
words that seem
closer to a fist
yet similar
to a truce.
swirls of voices
warring inside me,
like a congress
but held inside
a single person,
which uncannily
rhymes a lot
with prison,
not just in tongue
but also in skin.
how brave it is
to be similar
with oneself,
to be one mind
and one soul.
how strange to be
in tune with you.
all of You’s.
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Each of us is a galaxy.
new art! really wanted to try the space effect thing, it’s just too cute.
**created using Adobe Animate and Medibang ft. mouse, Leah on the Offbeat book, and loneliness.
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Don’t forget to see the world through kaleidoscope eyes!
another derp art! hmm, i postponed the pain-while-writing to experience pain-while-drawing.
**created using Adobe Animate and Medibang ft. mouse, procrastination, and massive self-doubt
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the sinking
the bright sky rests now
and i can’t think of
anything but the shadows
and i can’t feel
anything but the claws
and shrapnels
cutting my skin
tearing my masks
bludgeoning my walls
i so carefully kept
standing hard against
the violence of light
in the dark i am me
i am bare and bruised
awake and bleeding
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The guy sitting on the couch the whole time, I really identify with him. I've done many a couch tours.
Billie Joe Armstrong (2010)
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"Another cut Another tear
Another reminder that
no one is here..."
another minimalist art! slight #triggerwarning tho? was often thinking of blood these days
**created using Animate CC and Medibang ft. mouse, pic of my hand, and muscle pains
#hand#rose#blood-red#minimalist#red#mouse-art#art#minimalistic#im feelin it mah brodudes#trigger-warning
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an Isabelle Lightwood minimalist fan art! She’s such a strong female character and i liked her so much, more so, i think, than i ever liked Clary.
**created using Animate CC and Medibang ft. mouse, hand illustrations, and sugar cubes
#isabelle lightwood#izzy#the mortal instruments#minimalista#fanart#fandom#i dont think i did the godess justice#was aiming for semi-abstract
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