Oh how beautiful your eyes look when your hurt how the golden brown glistens when the tears build up how your lashes try to help you hide those tears but the escape to pour harder from the silence you are speaking on the outside but the mind is expanding and screaming with the held in anger and sadness let me out let me out but no you will stay because you are not wanted on the outside they must see you with a smile on your face ear to ear and a light tone of fake happiness to your words they could never see or understand why the smiling girl could ever be sad because those aren’t things that should be talked about in front of others no it’s rude to share these thoughts of yours to the minds of the innocent the minds of the people who could never understand that you feel selfish for wanting to end the unimaginable suffering of the mental pain that I want to turn physical no release except for the words written along the walls of my brain

I’m going off the deep end again sleeping too much crying till I’m numb but want to feel pain I thought about it cutting again but there’s more I keep telling myself so I don’t relapse into something even darker than before I can see above the water but don’t hear what’s actually going on because I’m slowly zoning out and drowning but no one can hear the silence that I am speaking slowly fading into a darkness full of nothing just thoughts

And when I’m gone will they know about the nights I laid there crying these silent tears I guess not because I thought I was dropping hints and to me that’s like screaming for help I guess I haven’t realized how good I’ve gotten with hiding it that no one could ever notice they wouldn’t notice the nights my thoughts got so bad that I wanted to cut them out of me a wave of pure rage washes over me when these thoughts pass and how badly I want to see that red drip from my knuckles after punching the wall too hard or see the red drip from silver oh how beautiful it is together or just beat my head against something until I can’t have these thoughts ever again but that’s all selfish right to let someone see me or find me like that right it’s wrong but just because it’s wrong doesn’t make those thoughts disappear so I just lay here and squeeze out what tears I can manage to gather, that smile I guess is on command to hide everything so I’ll just sit back watch and see

You don’t see behind the closed doors the darkness that is behind them you see the waves but you don’t see how deep it goes or how dark it is who only knows what is behind the closed doors do you want to open them and see into the soul of the monsters that lurk behind them or would you rather just see the beautiful paint on the doors but not what’s behind them oh no because then you would have to see the truth the truth that is not the beauty of the front of it