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whitesuitjake · 1 year

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If I Get High

Jake Kiszka

A/n: This was one of the hardest things I've ever written. This is based on the song If I Get High by Nothing But Thieves and is loosely based on my own experience of losing someone close to me and dealing with the memories afterwards. Fly high Billy, I miss you more than the stars in the sky.

Synopsis: You process your memories of Jake after his death.

Warnings: marijuana use, angst, major character death, mentioned gun violence.

Word count: 2.4k

A picture is all you have. A picture of times you'll never get back. A simple captured moment of the setting sun on his face, printed out and pinned to the expanse of your bulletin board. His smile, bright as the new day, shining on through the simple medium of a photograph at you. How vivid the moment is as you remember it- that day at the lake. Bathing in the bliss of the natural earth and its beauty. A beautiful splendor to behold amongst the trials of the world as we know it.

As you gazed upon the photograph, your mind animated his figure. Ever so vividly, you could see his hair whipping around his face in the wind, his smile never faltering. The piercing sound of Lynyrd Skynyrd in your ears, extenuating the aura of the freedom of summer.

The ripe and bright guitar of Freebird filled your senses as you sat beside Jake at the lake. He tipped his head back slightly as if to relish in the renewal of the sun of the long summer day. You watched as a few lake goers jumped off a small nearby cliff, plunging into the water below.

"We haven't jumped off the cliff yet." Jake remarked, smiling at you with a devious grin.

"You know I hate cliff jumping- don't smile at me like that." A small pout found its way onto Jake's face as you turned down his hinting statement.

He looked away from you, as if he conceded to your decline on his offer. But you knew him better than that- and you braced yourself for whatever he was going to try next.

Just as you predicted, he didn't take your no for an answer. Instead, he swiftly stood and before you could register, he grabbed under your arms from behind and lifted you off the ground.

"Jake! Put me down- I'm not jumping off that God forsaken cliff- ah! Stop!" Much to your dismay, did no such thing. You picked your feet up, bending at your knees and bringing them to your chest, so as to not let them be dragged in the ground. Giggling all the way, he marched the both of you to the base of the tall natural structure.

"I put you down on one condition, that you jump with me." Was his ultimatum. You didn't even need to see his face to know he was smirking so hard.

"Absolutely not!" It came out as a shriek as you held onto his wrists, trying to pry them off you.

"C'mon, I'll hold your hand even." He urged.

"No!" You knew this was a losing battle, but you'd at least put up a fair fight.

"I'm not putting you down then." He replied decidedly as he tightened his arm around you.

"Ugh! Fine!"

Hand in hand, you walked up the slightly steep side of the cliff to the top. Walking cautiously to the very edge, you gazed over the edge to the water below. Every bone in your body urged you to turn back, but you knew Jake would have none of it. Looking back at him, you saw the widest grin upon his face, and it only confirmed he was looking every minute if this.

Jake lived for the rush, the adrenaline of being up high and letting go. For his sake, you would try to do the same. Siding up to you at the edge, he rejoined your hands.

"You ready?" Warily, you nodded. Both turning back to face the water, he counted down from three before you jumped off the cliff. The stark contrast of the cold water hitting your skin awakened every sense inside you. The crisp feeling of flying through the air still filling your mind and making you feel invincible. When you resurfaced, the way Jake beside you in the water, still smiling as wide as the grand canyon.

As you placed the picture back in its spot, a single tear fell down your face. Hot and fast, like the first gush of a breaking dam. Your fingers ever so lightly traced the outline of his face, willing him to come back to life and jump out of the photo.

All those memories are in the past, an easily forgotten yesterday of comfort in the summer sun. Far worse, the opportunity for new memories to be made and cherished is lost. He was lost, gone from this earth for the rest of time. A soul that illuminated your dark, a being that the world did not deserve, a treasure too soon let go of.

Is it true what they say- that those who leave this world are never truly gone? That they live on inside our hearts and minds forever? Or is that merely something people say as a means of condolence to those who are grieving?

Part of you believed it. So, every night after he left this world, you went to sleep hoping he would enter your dreams. Hoping he would come back to you and hold you like he used to. That he would tell you he was there, and not to fret any longer. But he never came. Your sleep remained dreamless and heavy.

The need for him was like a raging river. Never-ending and strong. Oh, what you would give to see him once more, even just for the splittist second. One more chance to gaze into his beautiful eyes, to hold his hands in yours. He left when you needed him the most. There were so many unfinished conversations, so many unspoken feelings that will never be heard.

The memory of one particular night was all that occupied your mind one particular night. But no matter how you strained to bring it back to life, it was only that. A small memory of times past.

The cold air swept by your feet off the edge of the pier as you sat. A small wooden platform you would jump off in the summer. But the warmer season was quickly ending, giving way to the chilling weather of fall. The leaves had already begun to change, but you were still wearing shorts as long as you could. You wouldn't let the feeling of summer fade away yet not wanting the days of doing nothing but sitting by the lake and casting your cares out of your head.

The night was quickly falling over the great outdoors, bringing in a gentle breeze and the fireflies. They twinkled on the banks of the lake, creating a small light show to watch as you sink into the feeling of nostalgia of past summers.

Beside you, Jake lit a blunt and took a hard first hit. Wheezing a bit, he passed it to you. Lighting up with Jake had been some of the best moments of the summer. Just letting the drug rush into your body and calm you down was a welcome distraction from the woes that life offered.

"Do you think we're all that exist in this universe?" Jake pondered from beside you. The light wind breezed through his locks of brown hair as you sat together.

"I'd like to think there's another galaxy like ours. Where people live and love like we do." You passed the blunt back as Jake furrowed his brows.

"Like alternate realities?" He asked as he brought one knee to his chest and leaned on it, taking another hit.

"I don't know… maybe something similar." You lean back on your hands as you dangle your legs over the water, one toe dragging into the cold abyss.

"I'd like to think there's a place out there that has no pain- or death- Y’know?" Jake spoke over the still water.

"Maybe. But those things are what make the good times really special." You felt like you were convincing yourself more than him, as a strange feeling caught you.

"I guess." He sounded unshaven by your response. You further urged your reasoning.

"This- here- now is special. But it wouldn't be if we never had hard times to make it more worth going through life for."

The impending start of senior year of high school weighed heavy on the both of you. This would be the last summer before life would really start. A time where you'd say goodbye to the halls and the classes, and hello to a job and the taxes.

You never wanted this to end. You and Jake, enjoying the company of each other and staying in his parents lake house. But all too soon it would fade away as life moved on.

Those summer nights were some of the best moments of your life. That last few days before senior year and eventually college took over your life. Jake wouldn't go to college, and you would. Slowly pushing you apart from each other.

As you let college run its course, you and Jake talked far less frequently. It pained you, knowing that you let him stray from you. Knowing that the memory of Jake would slowly fade. That life would go on without him. That you had to go in without him by your side like he had been all your life.

You had let him push himself away from you all those years ago. It was a hard memory to ponder. But it was a necessary one in the journey that was your friendship. A cold winter night over Thanksgiving break.

It was far too brisk to be outside for very long, yet here you were, outside on the porch, Jake as your company. It had been too long since you had seen him. As awkward as you felt it would be, you and Jake seemed to pick up right where you left off. Soon the conversation strayed, as you both stood by the shed out back.

"I've really missed you." Jake remarked with a small smile.

"I've missed you." It came out in a breath as you found yourself pleased to hear him say it.

"It's weird not seeing you every day." He tilted his head up slightly as if to remember.

"Yeah, not a lot like how it was." You agreed, thinking back to all those summers spent together in high school. All the blunts you smoked together, the cliffs jumped together, all the beautiful memories.

All the sudden you were staring into his eyes, concentrating on his brown orbs that seemed to be staring into your soul. He hasn't changed one bit. Still the same jake you had always known. As you gazed into his eyes your brain screamed at you to look away, to push away the urge you were feeling. But your heart was overpowering, letting you complete the simple action you wanted so badly to do. Something you had wanted to do for longer than you could remember.

He was so close, and you made quick work of closing the space between you, pressing your lips to his. For a spit moment he froze- before indulging in the kiss and moving his lips along with yours. It was almost how you had imagined it to be. Like fireworks exploding and lighting up all around you. He pulled you so close to him, you could feel his heart beating like a resounding drum. But all too soon he was pushing you back from him. He breathed heavily.

"Don't do this. I'm not good for you." He said, confusing you further.

"No, Jake- you are! Nothing else matters but this-" You were frazzled, not knowing where this was coming from or what to say. He had just kissed you and now he was saying this?

"No, you're not listening. I'm not going to college. I have nothing going for me." He downed.

"But that's-" You started, trying to come up with a defense before you were cut off.

"Find someone else. Someone who can show you the world the way I can't." Every word from his mouth broke your heart more and more.

"You are my world." It was a whisper so soft but you knew he heard it as you watched his face twinge in pain. He merely shook his head, taking a few wary steps back before turning to go back inside.

That would be the last time you would see him before you heard the news of his death. He died nobly trying to break up a fight in front of a convenience store. Shot in the chest by one of the men there. He was always that type, wanting to help everyone and be the best he could be.

Jake was too good for this world. But you'd like to believe that you were never too good for him. You believed quite the opposite. That he could have done better than you.

Maybe in another world you would have married him. The unfinished feelings made moving on without him even more bitter. Feeling like you didn't know him the last few years left an ache in your heart.

You realized you were still staring at the photo on your bulletin board with a longing gaze. Knowing him, he wouldn't want this for you. He would want you to do what he said, to find someone who would show you the world. He would want you to live on, you enjoy this life.

With that, you turned away, going to find your lighter and rolling papers. You would light one up for him, in his honor. And maybe if he could see you from up above, he would gaze approvingly down at you. Knowing you were carrying on his memory.

As you laid down after getting sufficiently high, you closed your eyes. Relaxing into the plush of your mattress, your mind imagined and danced in colors undreamt of. A full array of light shining on through the weed made rainbow. Amidst the light, clear as the day, you saw him. He stood a bit aways from you, seeming as real as he once did. For what felt like hours you stared into his eyes. The same eyes you had looked into all your life. As you felt the high fading, you looked back to him as he merely nodded before disappearing back into the corners of your memories.

You would fill your lungs every night just for the chance to see him like that once more. To see his taught smile floating through your thoughts. To see his fabricated being before you just as you remembered him to be.

Maybe in another universe he was still here, still smiling every chance he got.

***

Taglist: @kerryxgvf @writingcold

#reblogging in hopes that it does better this time 🥲

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