vocabulari
Word Lover
21, she/her, I love words and also lots of other things and want to express my love for them unrecognized by others
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Another poor sport quitter toddler tantrum everyone, feeling real convicted right now
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Human sin and weakness is sooo funny because it's like. The deeper you are in it, the more desperate you are to keep anyone from seeing it and defining you by it. It's unbearable for someone to think of you as "the person with That Problem," and it feels more unbearable the uglier and more public That Problem is, so you scramble to hide (even when it's stupidly obvious you're hiding something, making you "person who Hides Things"), and you cut off relationships where you become too vulnerable (making you "person who Runs Away").
What's so funny is that you only actually get free of being "person with That Problem" (because that's who you are to yourself) when you stop fighting it and accept that you're in Christ, even with the problem. As soon as you can say "I do have That Problem, in fact I have Problems, but I can still be known and loved because who I am is in Jesus and not in myself," you've accomplished what you were after in the first place: being defined apart from the problem.
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I can’t believe Russell T. Davies just invented camp
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And just like that, and now I am
Unsettled in my life again
The bubble burst, the joy all spent
Alone surrounded by my friends
They love me but can’t understand
There’s nothing more that I could ask
What is this discontented grief?
I feel incurably unwell
Though none externally has changed
Boat capsized at the smallest shift
My heart a songbird in a cage
It’s wailing, howling, and for what?
For all I ever dreamed is here
Perhaps I let my dreams decline
The bird remembers it could fly
And dreamed of more than comforts then
Yet still I think I’ve made a life
Worth living and rejoicing in
And my malaise in paradise
Just proves the problem wasn’t there
It’s in my head, its me, its me.
#feeling the most Unwell I have in months eep! my life could not be better and yet I am totally destabilized#even when I had a really emotionally tough day last month I bounced back basically overnight bc I love my life so much#why does this happen?#so anyway here is a blank verse poem for you#the silver lining of feeling depressed means I can make art#I lose all creative skill when I’m happy#poetry#my poetry#blank verse#creative writing#spilled ink
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Guys I am doing my 10 year anniversary pure heroine listen and I know I have completely recovered from mental illness now because I listened to ribs and I didn’t even astral project, I just felt vaguely fond, and a little sad for the little me who related so hard to that song. 21 sure is different than 11 holy lord(e)
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Today on doomed romance, we agreed that we care about each other but that it’s best we go our separate ways for now, I will not recover from this
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Update it has been 8 days and I am completely hopeless someone come help me
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Journal
And its all in my head, (our past, our future)
I can’t get you out of my head
Mind reader, you can see inside my head
Seeing you it all comes to a head
The thought comes into my head
I’ll love you until I’m dead
There’s a part of me that’ll always love you.
The part of me that’s still 13, the part of me that was the beginning of who I am now, not the child but the person. You watched the change, you changed yourself, and we survived that terrible process together, the death of the old us, the horrors of becoming, the fear and loneliness and hope and desire.
And that’s the foundation of who I am today, and you’re there too, imbedded in the cornerstone, along with all the joys and disasters, and I can’t not love you. I love you like I love summertime, or old musicals, or a favorite book. But it’s more than that. I don’t love you like a friend, or a brother, or a lover. Maybe I love you like I love myself. You’re a fragment. You’re a coin I flip, tails for a grudge and disappointment and bitterness, heads for overwhelming tenderness.
And our bodies never meet, you’re so careful to stay a few feet away, but the meeting of our minds is tangible enough for the brush of your fingers to seem irrelevant. And it’s so tragic and so romantic and then tragic again, isn’t it? You’re divorced and too young for that, I’m a virgin and too old for that, and we won’t say those words but we know it in the sidelong glances, in the shapes we draw around in our conversations.
In the scandalously intimate front seats of the car, in the dark and deserted corners on our evening walking, in the quiet of the galleries where we pick apart the art like it will tell us something about ourselves, I can’t bear to look at you for fear of what I’d do. And we’re two ships in the night, a long day together and then a long year apart, and maybe a year becomes forever, because despite our best efforts and egos we aren’t psychic, or perfect, but I think, I hope, we both want otherwise.
And I think about other things too, about your fingertips through my hair, about how we’d laugh, and it would be so strange, wouldn’t it? But if you were the last man on earth, I think we’d be grateful for the apocalypse to leave us to our own devices. And you’re nothing without an audience but I would laugh enough for a whole auditorium, just you and me and the end of the world. But these are foolish things, flights of fancy that die in the sunlight, in the statistics. So I stop thinking about them, about you. And I can go without thinking about you forever, but you’re always there anyway, in the map of my subconscious, in chess and in that christmas card, in showtunes and in shame and in shivers, in dialects and old sci-fi and always, always, in dreams. I hope I’m more than just an old face to you.
#old friends#DELUSIONAL hours#absolute unhingery on my part#I spent about 10 hours with a friend I haven’t seen in a few years and this is a letter to him I could never bear to write#personal#spilled ink#journal#letter#this almost feels too personal even for tumblr even though I am literally anonymous#so hey void here is a window into my mind#confession
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Is anyone else like frantically and painfully nostalgic for the fall of 2013, which was TEN YEARS AGO??? Unbelievable
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I am so happy I don’t ever want this period of my life to end and I haven’t slept in 38 hours I’m afraid of losing even a second
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My depression is slowly being replaced with anxiety, my nihilism with fear of losing it all, I experienced a brief moment of absolutely buckwild animal fear today when my philosophy professor mentioned the word evil, and I remembered that in fact I am evil and everyone else is too, I had to turn my brain off to concentrate again
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Am I lonely or just bored? Are those the same thing? Can we all be bored together? Do I cause my own suffering?
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Guys help I am making myself sad just to feel something I need to stop !! I am in a toxic relationship with my past self
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Guys I am like 80% sure I am happy and no longer depressed but I don’t actually like it? Its. a hollow happiness bc all of my passions were formed when I was mentally ill and I have no sense of identity anymore now that I am recovered ish, I fear that this crisis will work me back up into a depressive fit if I don’t find some meaningful enrichment soon
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When there is no more depression like a stone around my neck, rare and treasured happiness becomes commonplace, and the euphoria of joy now feels like nothing, nothing at all, and contentment is not a mountain peak overlooking a panoramic view, but a flat and featureless plain. With no depression hiding me in a little pit, away from the sun, there is no shade or shelter, Just the glare, an undefended and uncharted expanse with room for dread to creep in unhindered, for uncertainty to reign when all directions look the same, and when there is no more up, no more climbing out, how do you decide where to go?
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Reading the articles of confederation for my con law class and wanted to let you know that paupers, vagabonds, and fugitives from justice are NOT entitled to privileges and immunities of free citizens! Thats such a funny list of exceptions to me,, I want to know the legal definition of a vagabond, we may as well add rascals, menaces, and scallywags to the list at this point. Also paupers? They said no <3 to poor people, what’s new I guess, anyway reblog if you are a pauper, vagabond, and/or fugitive of justice 🫡
#articles of confederation#constitution#founding fathers#america#history#american history#constitutional law#con. law#comedy#washington#politics#law#pauper#vagabond#fugitive from justice
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Oh look its just me and my grief and my jealousy and my bitterness and my fruitless wishes to be better again <3
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