i will not binge when i get home. i will not binge when i get home. i will not binge when i get home

YOU’LL HAVE TO STOP THE WORLD JUST TO STOP THE FEELING

anyone else have no fucking clue who they are. i float around in this empty vessel like i’m already dead

one of the hardest things each day at the moment is the small hope i have each time i think “ohh i probably haven’t taken my meds, no wonder i feel this low” but i remember i took them all hours ago. i just feel like this

i don’t feel real. everything around me looks like a projection. when am i going to wake up

god loves you but not enough to save you

today’s tactic is donating my baggier clothes to scare myself into eating less

i wish i was pretty. i've been eating less but it's still not enough. the urge to binge is still so strong and i don't know how to get rid of it

the pain of others is felt so physically. i can't stop crying today

the amount of anxiety i feel trying to do basic things is ridiculous. trying to stream or do dnd and be funny or entertaining or just TALK and ??? i am completely useless. i can’t even talk when it’s just pretend

how do i get back to the way i used to eat? and by that i mean not eat. i don't want to binge anymore

i just remembered when my closest uni friend from first year came to visit me during the break and i showed her around my hometown. she told me that the girl who slept with the boy who'd strung me along for 8 months seemed like a "queen bee" when we met her at the pub. i never found out if she knew he was leading me on all of that time. she probably didn't know. i think he was embarrassed by me so he probably never told a soul about us. he was the first guy i ever fell for.

i remember how tightly my mum hugged her when she was about to leave at the end of her visit. she looked as though she might cry. she seemed so grateful to her, so grateful that i had a friend and that someone cared about me. i love her.

it makes me feel so guilty looking back because it turns out that friend was only using me. my housemates told me later, saying, "we thought you knew".

"we thought you knew"

i'd go on to see that guy again. just once. it was very one sided. over the phone that uni friend told me i needed to grow up. i did. a lack of self esteem holds you in this weird place. not quite a child, not quite an adult. i was sat on a park bench in the rain crying. it's not like it is in the movies. it's cold and you feel horrible about yourself

i’m just going to play video games and feel bad about myself until i fall asleep again

i am so sick of not being able to speak. i never know what to say no matter how much i want to say something. or i’ll be so worried that i’ll say something that’ll upset someone that i won’t say anything at all but then i’m just sat there burning up with the anxiety of how stupid and useless i am like why can’t i just talk like everyone else? why doesn’t it come naturally? i can’t make friends. communicating is so difficult no matter how much i want to. it can be the only thing on my mind. i can be begging and begging myself to say something but it’s impossible i’m so stupid

overcome by the feeling that i just want to just sleep all of this off but it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that by "this" i just mean life

i feel so sick and so stale. i wish i could stop eating. i know i'll feel better when it's just water running through my system

i wish i was pretty. why is it easier to feel like a better person when you're skinnier? i don't know where my self-control has gone. i don't know who i am but i have to control it somehow so i don't spiral back into the fully-fledged suicidal self-hater i've been working so hard on moving away from. i want to starve myself until i feel lighter on my feet