allowed

i’m allowed to hate him. i’m allowed to miss him. i’m allowed to love him. but he doesn’t exist anymore. i’m told i’m allowed to be mad, to address the things he’d done to me, taken from me. the things i’m too afraid to tell people, because they’d say, “oh that never happened” or “your father wasn’t that kind of man.” the things i’ve only left in the confines of my therapist’s office. because…

View On WordPress

rent free

what’s it to youthat you still leave me in tearsthat rent in my headisn’t paid by youbut, i can’t evict youyou’re just a tenantdefacing this homethat once held you warmly is this how it’s going to beme mourning youyou tearing me apartfrom the distance you createdwith your lies with your tonguewith everything about you i lovedbut no eviction what did i doi feel everythingyour absencemy heart…

View On WordPress

pretty eyes

you said i have pretty eyesi bet you’d love them when i crysilent and greennothing in-between you and i or anyone who doesn’t tryi’m too r-rated never to be dated leaving me all alonewhile together you make a homeyou said i had pretty eyesand you’re the reason why i cry

View On WordPress

rough edges

it's how i was raised. that’s what i try to think. or maybe it is completely true. i was [still am?] one of those girls that were considered one of the boys. i have two older brothers. i had predominately male neighbors growing up. played men’s hockey. except dek hockey, we had a few girls here and there. the sum of this was a dual part of who i was. competitive, aggressive, violent. i made one…

View On WordPress

temporarily sad

i’m sad because i have so many people who love me in my life, but i feel so alone all the time. i take my medications, i work a lot, i go to my meeting, i try my hardest to keep myself afloat. i just have this over-arching fear that everything is going to be whisked away from me. because i’ve never really had control over things that actually matter to me. i’m never stating that things are…

View On WordPress

concussion repercussions

it’s only dawned on me within a short amount of time. that part i can be a bit proud of, but the part that comes next is where i don’t know what is all going to be going on. one thing i must accept:there is no going back to who i was before the accident. i haven’t had a concussion since may 27th, 2015. seven years. and i have one. my tenth concussion. and i didn’t pay much attention to it at…

View On WordPress

nothing of importance

nothing has made mefeel less beautiful than youno matter how hard i triedno matter how many times you said i was perfecti still wasn’t enoughto make you want to tryto change your actionsnow i contemplatecutting myselfgoing to a barmaking everything i amdisappearnot existbecause i told myself i just had to be patientand thatyou would bewho i looked pastand saw potentialthat you would bewho i…

View On WordPress

22 march 2020

right now, i cannot determine where this elevated anxiety originates. is it from the cocktail of synthetic chemicals, time released into my body throughout the day, or is it more simple? is it the disruptive, obnoxious noise and altercations that follow? deep down, i know that i should not search for the origin, but focus on alleviating the shifting season, demon racing, unmindful frustration…

View On WordPress

show up

how can one show up in the world, when people want to ignore it’s existence? how does one exist in the world while they do not see how beautifully magnificent it is? i want those in my world to go out and look at the moon & stars with me. to dance in the rain, without a care in the world. to find the joy amidst the littlest of things. that’s how i want to show up in the world. i want to show up…

View On WordPress

fantasies & nail polish

fantasies & nail polish

i remember when my mom would paint my nails growing up. i wasn’t allowed to do it on my own for such a long time. my dad would be watching tv, my mom and i each reading a book. she’d be holding a cigarette, a glass budweiser bottle not too far away. i can still have that bird’s eye view of me cuddled up next to her on the green/brown/red strangely stitched couch. i’d be reading about dragons and…

View On WordPress

weight

i built my own coffindug my own gravethe dirt and the wood always smell the same i claw at the toppushing so hardmy wounds they open before they scar the ground still solidis my future sealed?i hope spring comes before the clinch is unveiled

View On WordPress

if you told me, i'd laugh

if you told me, i’d laugh

if you told me six years ago that that would be the last birthday my mom celebrated, i’d laugh at you. she had cancer, she was getting weaker, but when you see it everyday, pain lives at a constant rate. it’s almost as it didn’t exist, or i did what i could to ignore it. if you told me five years ago that i wouldn’t be crying every day, every few hours, i’d laugh at you. because in a mere seven…

View On WordPress

11/17/15 & 2/22/21

11/17/15 & 2/22/21

then, it was just like, it’s almost crying for the ones who i could lose. but it was also crying because i saw a dead or sick animal. now, it’s just crying at the memory of them once existing. no corpse, cold stone plaque in a field of the ones who are lost. then, it was me being in a weak spot, because, well that’s something i don’t know. now, the weak spots became shielded, because it’s the…

View On WordPress

02/06/21

in those moments i can write something better. i can write something that makes some sense, might make others feel better, or feel that they have an understanding. but then the moments after those, i rip myself to pieces. i don’t offer myself the kindness i should. i isolate. lately i feel as if i put too much of myself out into the world. when i open my mouth, when i share about my contemporary…

View On WordPress

increments

the sound of a storm the release of pain the exhaustion of the body no motivation to gain the taps of the raindrops the smell in the air the irritant fear that makes me mutilate my hair the darkness of a room the stillness of night the emptiness surouding makes me need to take flight the time i need slipping the workload so high the stress leaves me barren like a lake ran dry the…

View On WordPress

cynic

View On WordPress

07/20/19

there is nothing more that i wish than to slide into nothing no trace left behind not a single hair no wiccan trace could find me until i want to emerge leave behind this life to change and do through its steps for me to grow outside of the hate disappointment and chaos i created for myself

View On WordPress