I gotta write for my little guy today. Here's the link on ao3 if you prefer reading it there, and I hope you enjoy!
The April Fool
You were so fucking scared.
It was April first. April Fools day. The day of reckoning and hellfire and war.
Nothing good ever came out of April Fools day. Last year, you were submerged– after being pushed– in a vat of (THANKFULLY) cold oil, and spent the rest of the day trying to wash the gross, icky feeling off. Even to this day, you can sometimes feel the remnants of the slick oil on your skin…
Armed with nothing but a small water gun that you gripped with shaky hands, you walked down the black halls of Count Bleck. Was Bleck alive? Who knew, but his crib made for a great place of residence for you and Dimentio after the events that followed the Chaos Heart.
…Though, if Mr. Bleck and his wifey saw you right now, they’d be disappointed that you’ve stooped to carrying protection around with you on April Fools– but you’d be damned if you were gonna get pranked this year!
“Please give me protection, oh Stars,” you prayed under your breath. “I just want my bag of chips. That’s all I want.”
Carefully, you peered down a long hallway.
You gulped.
Nothing seemed awry… but Dimentio was good at tricking people. Way too good. Far too good. Master of trickery and whore-ery. You couldn’t let your guard down.
The kitchen felt like it was miles away as you skittered down the hall like a little roach, looking for any booby traps or massive vats of oil. You wouldn’t let your guard down. You were not going to be fooled this year!
You kept walking and walking and walking–
You snapped your head around, thinking that you heard footsteps behind you.
…
You grunted.
There was nothing.
“Sheesh… this is really hard,” you mumbled under your breath, slowly walking forwards again. The only reason why you didn’t abort mission is because Dimentio could hardly walk around, seeming like a newborn lamb that was missing all but one leg. There’s no way he would’ve been behind you. You were just paranoid and hallucinating.
After walking for what felt like forever, you reached the kitchen, peering inside…
…
Whipped cream. Every-fucking-where.
Whipped cream on the walls, the appliances, the floor, the ceiling– it was everywhere, painting the kitchen white. It was horrifying.
“Oh my…” You frowned, glancing around. “Oh, no… how did he…?”
You stood there, scratching your head and wondering how you were going to get in there without ruining your shoes. So much cream, everywhere…
There’s a storage closet nearby right? You’ll just go and grab a mop, and brush your way clean. Sounds easy enough! It shouldn’t take too terribly long, meaning that you probably wouldn’t get caught out in the open and that you can get your chips in peace without any issue–
“My, it seems you’ve discovered my masterpiec–”
You screamed, whipping around and squirting the water gun at Dimentio. Though, it seemed he had anticipated that, teleporting and letting the water hit the wall instead.
“Abort, abort!” You yelled, narrowly dodging a blueberry pie by tactical-rolling– not doing a weird interpretive dance on the floor– out of the way. You got back up on your feet, sprinting down the hall. It was a trap all along! He knew you’d get hungry, and that’s when he’d strike! Damn, you should’ve gotten your chips before it was April Fools day! You were such a fool!
Barely turning the corner in time and dodging another probably store-bought pie, you dashed in the direction of your safe haven; your room was the safest place you knew of.
Just as you were about to make it, Dimentio appeared in front of you, hovering high above the ground.
And behind him?
A wall of pies.
You skidded to a stop, staring with large eyes as your weapon fell from your limp grasp, clattering uselessly against the floor. “Please.” You immediately went begging. “Please.”
“Ah ha ha, like a scared bunny, you’re so easy to trap,” Dimentio cooed darkly. “That’s what makes you cute!”
“Please!” You got down on your knees, clasping your hands together.
He laughed some more. “Please what? Just what do you have to offer in exchange for my absolute joy?”
“Please… I’ll…” Searching through your brain waves, you decided that you’ll… “I’ll do anything you want!”
“Hmmm, anything?~”
“Yes!”
“Absolutely anything?”
“Literally anything you want! Uh… Anything other than getting creamed or pie-d!”
Dimentio floated down to you smugly. “And what if I want to cream you?”
You gave him a desperate look. “Please don’t.”
“What if I want to pie you?”
“No!”
“What if I want to CREAM PIE you?!”
You opened your mouth to give a response…
…
…Before giving him a squint.
“Huh?”
“I said,” he said with a smirk, grasping your chin firmly in his gloved hands, “What if, I want to cream pie you? Have you gone deaf, dear? Or, are you just that scared?”
“I don’t think you should say that out loud.”
“Why, I’ll say it all I want! Matter of fact, I’ll give you the biggest cream pie right now!”
You just stared, slowly frowning... “What kind of cream pie?”
“The best kind there is!”
You kept staring, wondering if he knew what he was saying or if he was purposely doing it. He… he knew of the different… meanings of the word cream pie… right? Was this part of the joke?
“Please, tell me more,” you told him.
“Oho, are you interested in the art of cream pieing?” A wide grin spread across his face. “I can show you if you really want, curious bee.”
“Umm.” You felt your face warming up. Was there sexual tension in the air, or was that just you being dirty-minded? “I don’t know if you should.”
“Oh come on, it’ll be fun! You said I could do anything…”
“Umm!” After a moment, you made a T shape with your hands, “Okay, time out!”
Dimentio slowly pouted. “No? Not interested in cream pieing?”
“St-Stop!”
“Not even a liiittle bit?”
You gripped his hand, moving it away from your chin before blurting out– “Are you alluding to having sex with me, or do you really just mean an actual cream pie?”
…
A blank stare, is what he gave you. “Sex?”
Now embarrassed, you had to explain. “A u-uh, a ‘cream pie’ can mean two different things,” you began, ignoring how the wall of pies vanished from behind him. “One, it can be the actual thing– a pie made of cream. Two, it um… it’s when two people love each other very much, and the man…” You sighed, standing up before leaning in close and whispering the rest to him.
“Oh.” Even with his mask, he seemed embarrassed.
“Yeah.”
“...I apologize, I did not mean it in a sexual way…”
Sighing, you waved it off. Though, you couldn’t help but feel just a little disappointed. “It’s fine,” you said, walking over to your room, opening the door. “I figured it would be too soon for anything like that–”
Whipped cream. Every-fucking-where.
Your room was covered in whipped cream, just like the kitchen.
“DIMENTIO!”
He giggled like a little goblin, hovering away and letting you deal with the mess.
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