hurts

it hurts so fucking bad

i want to fall asleep and never wake up

i want it to stop hurting

i want to stop crying every night and every morning

i want love

i want people to care

but they never do

please why can't i just stop waking up

there are videos of those people shooting. of innocent people dying.

i live here

thinking about making short text introduction of all my active ocs just for the sake of it.

ah who am i kidding. i don't have a stomach to do something like that. im just clingy, departe attention seeking selfish piece of meat. i ask for love but can't give anything back. i just exist, waist oxygen, seek for quick dopamine, can't commit to anything or anyone.

at this point i should honestly just go kms

it hurts so fucking bad to realise that no one gives a shit about you. like, zero. no one cares. even those who call themselves your friends or buddies. what's even worse is that no one will tell you that straight. if confronted they'll just say that 'nooo of course no of course im having fun, of course you're enough' bullshit. you're never enough. i am never enough. fucking joke.

i hate everything. mostly myself. i feel awful. everything is against me. i want to cry and my head hurts.

w h y am i so fucking needy and pathetic i hate it hate it hate it

introduction of me.

hi.

im ---, im 19 years of age, i use they/them pronouns and identify as genderfluid.

im from russia, but i speak pretty decent english, even tho i don't always understand some lingo.

i write, sometimes draw.

i am currently deep into the btd/tpof fandom, i run one rp page of my original character: https://notyourhotgothgf.tumblr.com/ and one page where i want to try and post my works in both english and russian.

i am vegetarian, have huge social anxiety i try very hard to fight.

i just wanna sleep. fall asleep and sleep for a long long long time. and so when i woke up everything is just back to normal. but that will never happen.

me: do you have anyone besides me to talk about your fixations with? /concerned

my friend: not really no

me: oh. okay. sorry then.

friend: nah all cool

.....

..........

.................................

NO /friend name/ I DON'T HAVE ANYONE AT ALL TO TALK ABOUT MY FIXATIONS WITH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING

but yeah sure why would they care

every time we talk we talk about your fixations. you never start a conversation about anything else. and if i do that it is just so so obvious you don't give a shit. i try my best to give you the attention you want getting nothing back. it has been going on for more than two years and i am so tired. i don't understand why i have enough sense of tact not to constantly bomb you with shit i know you're not interested with but you can't do the same for me. why this is always me who starts conversation about your fixation (knowing you won't talk about anything else) but you n e v e r do the same for me.

you are saying that you're afraid im tired of you and you're right. i am. maybe one day i will have thr courage to say that to your face.

i wanna cry. i want attention. i want to swipe my whole life clean and start again. im tired of being surrounded by people who don't understand me. im tired that i have to be someone for everyone. i just want to be myself and exist for myself, do content people i want around myself will love. but instead i have to spend all my time and energy on people i don't want to because im too afraid to cut them from my life. and even when i find time to do and post what i want nobody cares.

i feel like something is wrong and recently ive started thinking that maybe what's wrong is me.

no matter what i do and how hard i try to convince myself and the others even people who are close to me won't stop perceive me as /my assigned gender/. there is no way out of it, even if they love me and wish me no harm i _know_ how they see me and i know that me being non-binary changes nothing in their eyes. that realisation has been with me for a long time but this is the first time it made me _cry_ since i came out as nb, which mind you, was more than three years ago.

i don't want to make a post