The best response to e4!

The cat’s gambit

(via)

I'm holding out for a Fearow 'til the end of the night!

Where have all the good men gone, and where are all the gods?

To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause

I swear the Western world must change sooner rather than later.

every single time

Boop!

@ every blog on april 1st GET BOOPED

Boop!

My first YouTube video in a few years.  Enjoy!  (YouTube has a sick sense of humour in its choice of thumbnail though)

Makes a change from having skeletons in the closet.

Yesterday our DM told me that my warlock can keep his skeleton minions in his bag of holding 💀

I hoped it wouldn’t come to this - maybe I’m too proud to beg sometimes - but the situation is critical.

Christmas Bankruptcy

So this is a difficult thing to post.  I'm completely broke, to the point that I've been speaking to my bank about debt relief.  I have food so I'm not going to starve, but I cannot travel or buy anything new.  I have debts both with Paypal and the garage that is currently holding my car because I couldn't pay to have the suspension fixed (the car was illegal to drive without the repair) - the latter one was down to unfortunate timing, but it is what it is currently. What happened as that I've been doing remote contract work for a company in London for over a year now, and things seemed to be going okay although communication wasn't the best and I wasn't sure what I was doing.  Nevertheless, I went to their office in October to show them what I was doing and also because I know from experience that the act of 'going to the office' is a good work motivator.  However, without warning, none of my invoices were approved that month and I was left high and dry.  I chased them up at the start of November, and basically got told that they have moneyflow problems and couldn't justify paying me, even though I had showed the CFO directly what I was doing and even found and demonstrated two bugs in their system while I was at their premises.  I was given £500 as a "goodwill gesture", but they still currently owe me £1,600.  I continued to do some work for them through November, but stopped in the middle of the month when I realised that their moneyflow problems weren't going to go away and I could not justify working for them if there was no guarantee of payment. The thing is, if they were up front about the moneyflow problems earlier, I would have made other arrangements, but instead i only found out when expected money didn't arrive on payday.  They have said that their moneyflow problems will be resolved in the new year, which is a little late for me, and honestly, the writing's on the wall and I think the company is about to go under.  I have not been paid anything since, other than a small Universal Credit payment of around £78 (reduced to that because of the £500 payment) and about £120 doing some one-off cleaning jobs for my cousin while I was in Cornwall for a few days for a funeral (he owns a professional cleaning company that wash windows, clean gutters and roofs and even help clean up hazardous waste, one such job I helped out with, cleaning a 'void space' in a hospital after a sewage line ruptured)... unfortunately that £120 only covered the train fare, although it was nice to do a little bit of honest manual labour. In the meantime I have started a new contract for up to £1,000 a month, and I have sent my first invoice for £500, but there's no saying when I'll be paid for that.  Maybe I'm too proud to beg, but I can't go to my parents for help, and I feel unsure about the whole "GoFundMe" thing since it's not like my house has burnt down or flooded, and I'm not sure how easily I can answer the question "what are you doing with the money?".  Plus, working for start-ups always carries a risk.  The problem is that anything sent via PayPal will get swallowed up by the £120 debt I have with them (used to pay the train fare to the funeral, while the £120 for the cleaning jobs got eaten by monthly direct debits, so I couldn't pay the debt right there and then).  I am attempting to write a new CV to find employment that is a little more stable, but I'm struggling because I'm not quite sure what I can do and my skills are outdated (C++ programming, for example, belongs in the 90s, and I am very out of practice). I'm spending Christmas alone, mostly thanks to me being estranged from my parents and otherwise due to problems of my own creation, but hopefully I can survive and enter 2023 swinging.

Oh my Goddess... YES!  Sorry sis, not sorry!

Random D&D thought of the day: Anyone else ever consider how intrusive the Sending spell would be?

I mean it’s basically texting but it goes straight into your brain. There’s no block function and you don’t even get to decide when to pick up the message.

Somewhere out there, a wizard with 3rd level spell slots won’t leave his ex alone.

#dnd

Hacker’s Delight: Second Edition!

If you see this you’re legally obligated to reblog and tag with the book you’re currently reading

A risk with start-ups

So I'm in trouble.  All of my invoices from last month's contract work weren't approved because the company I'm working for has some cashflow problems, and apparently, a total of £1,333.40 caused them to be shocked.  As a result, they are scrutinising every dollar/pound/rupee and because they're aren't fully sure of the work I do, they can't yet justfiy paying me.  I didn't know my invoices had not been approved until after payday when I rather angrily chased it up with the CFO, who dropped the bombshell. Apparently the CFO and my supervisor (who seems to genuinely like me and has vouched for me) have been talking for a few weeks, and are still talking, but neither of them thought to contact me, even though I've been trying to reach out to them in regards to feedback to what I have done and in an attempt to catch up.  Heck, during the week of one of the invoices, I was actually AT their office working alongside them and showing them what I was working on, and I even found a bug in their system and came up with a fix 10 minutes later.  Apparently my supervisor hasn't been paid either.  I guess this is a risk with start-ups.  There's no saying when I'll get paid, and how much. So why am I in trouble? I'm now over £250 beyond my overdraft limit because of the bills and taxes that come out of my account every month.  I don't have savings or a nest egg yet.  I've been mostly living off boiled pasta for the past week (I have a large bag of the stuff, but it's starting to run out).  I'm going to start incurring massive bank charges, and I can't travel anywhere or buy more food.  If I had been paid as expected, my plan was to get my oven fixed at long last (the heating element shorted out) so I can use it again.  I still have the stovetop thankfully. I am trying to find funds, but it’s not proving easy.  It’s amazing how one weak link can cause one’s world to come crashing down.

Exile

I need to come clean with everybody as to my current relationship with my immediate family.  I have disowned and exiled myself from my parents.

Okay, to begin... My sister is understandably wary of me because of some inexcusable things I did to her while we were children and the fact we don't really have that many common interests.  She is loyal to my parents too and has been used as a go-between by my parents before.  Unfortunately actually trying to build a relationship with my sister and brother-in-law hasn't been too successful.  My niece gets scared of me, probably because of the beard and her general unfamiliarity with me, but mother (not my sister) also gatekeeps me so I can't help out... it's not a matter of not needing to... I want to help so I can learn, as well as the principle of unconditional love.  That aside, every idea I've had has been shot down by my mother or is twisted in a such a way that it is impossible to fulfil, and the gatekeeping will stop the rest.  Cases in point... I had the idea to build a model traffic light for when she turns 3, using some knowledge of electronics and woodworking - normal children don't like traffic lights, according to her, which was also an indirect stab at me, since I loved the things at 3, but now it's a source of ridicule for her.  She said she would want a doll instead, betraying her heteronormative views by assuming such a thing even before any strong interests or orientation could possibly cement themselves.  I could teach her chess... only if she shows interest... well, my sister and mother don't own chess sets, so how will she ever show interest?  Mother suggested I could teach her piano... she threw the piano out - my paternal grandmother’s piano I might add - because 'it was taking up space'... well, she herself was never able to play it.  To get back on point though... how could I ever teach her in that case, especially as I have no means to practise myself?  Since my sister and I don't have a relationship, I've given up hope of ever having a relationship with my niece by extension.

Now for my parents.  In December 2021, while venturing to my niece's 1st birthday party, I was in a bad mood because I was fed up of my mother's fakery and shallowness, and while walking up a stairwell, I commented about mother dressing above her class while my father was behind me (I really don't know why I actually said that to be honest, and it was certainly extremely rude).  In response, my father actually spanked me.  My reaction was one of violation and helplessness, because I immediately knew there were no witnesses (mother had her back to us, and later verification confirmed she would stand by my father) and no legal recourse.  That and my father is better than me in every way possible... physical strength, killer instinct, legal knowledge and general charisma to draw people to his side.  Due to a bad set of circumstances, I was unable to leave because I had left my house keys at mother's house and my debit card was lost (and cancelled) and, due to being Christmas, a replacement would not come for a while.  What it meant is that I couldn't return to my flat, my mother's house or catch a bus, which meant walking 8 miles in the rain, with it getting dark in an hour, and having to stand and wait outside anyway.  So I just hid in a different room and refused to participate.  My father initially tried to gaslight me in what really happened, and then justify his actions.  Ultimately it confirmed I was still a child in his eyes, and now I know I cannot trust him walking behind me because his first action is to physically and, in some people's eyes, sexually assault me.  I did tell one of my cousins later that he sexually assaulted me (since I felt so violated, I called it that) and she told me that I can't say things like that and will not support me.  After clarification about the actual actions, she said she would have beaten up her father if he did that... well, your father is not my father and I don't fancy my chances against my father even with martial arts training, because he himself is martial arts trained, is a former rugby player, runs triathlons and it would just look mindless assault and hence turn the legal situation against me.  On top of that, he is the de facto patriarch of the family, so people are naturally loyal to him.  And what am I but the autistic black sheep?  I have not forgiven my father for his action, and I refuse to.  And I refuse to be anywhere near him even to the point of refusing to go to family gatherings because of his history of micromanaging me, occasionally publicly humiliating me when I 'embarrass' him and otherwise me always being in his shadow and expected to uphold his expected image of me.  So, the only logical solution is to completely disown myself from the family and become a pariah and find my own path.

Now for my mother.  My relationship has always been shaky with her due to her mocking if not outright hostility towards my interests and moral code, as well as her just using me for the skills I do have, like being a designated driver or fixing her computer for free.  She is also self-righteous to a dangerous degree.  She claims she wasn't raised a racist and follows feminism, but some of the things she says reveals that she is entitled, privileged and dangerously racist and heteronormative.  For example, with the incidents of police brutality in the USA, she just said "if they had listened to the police, none of this would have happened", and she doesn't understand how "White Lives Matter" is racist and wrong, is against "Black Lives Matter" and instead follows "All Lives Matter".  For the heteronormative things, see above with my niece.  When she is not any of those, I sense she tries to score brownie points with me by gossiping about me or telling people about my problems because she feels 'they have a right to know'.  For the brownie points, I was dating someone who was genderfluid at one point, and given some of the comments dad had said later (suggesting I bring a partner, when I've been a forever bachelor) implies that mother blabbed to him when I told her that I was seeing someone.  Mother doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut, like she complained to her friends about the choice of name for my niece even before I knew (I overheard) and before she was even born.  Not to mention, mother told me about my sister's pregnancy before my sister could tell me herself.  How?  "Has she spoken to you yet?" "No, why?" "Then you haven't heard the good news." "What, she's pregnant? "YES! How did you know?" "What else would it be?" (admittedly I pulled a bit of a "You just told me" trick on her, but she completely opened herself up to it).

But what led me to disown my mother?  During August, she and I went to the Lake District for hiking and camping.  The upcoming family gathering with my father's side of the family was really eating at me because I really did not want to be in the same room as my father.  Eventually I broke down and confessed my fears to mother.  We found a solution and I felt better off for it, but she later used it against me.  When I had a meltdown after getting sprayed by a standing tap, she simply told me that I could have chosen not to react like that, because so what? It's only water.  And my outburst is unacceptable in a family camp and she had been up since 6am (I don't know why she brought that up... maybe to show she was suffering more than me?).  As a result, I left.  I packed what I could (most of it was locked in her car and I had no access), so I took what I could and ran away... I caught a bus and then a train back to Brighton.  Thankfully, having learnt my lesson from December, I kept my keys and debit card on me at all times.  When mother arrived home a day afterwards, after briefly asking if I was okay, she tore into me again, especially not letting go of my father smacking me, and she also mentioned the fact I had assaulted her back in 2013 and she had gotten over it and not called the police.  I told her that she should have done and I was fully expecting to get arrested that night.  As for my father?  Well, according to her, I still hadn't apologised for 'making him hit me'.  Well, after hearing that, there was no way I was going to apologise.  I was done.  I knew right there and then I would have to disown my mother too.  So I packed what I could and left.  Also, because I was so sick of her gossiping and using my achievements or whatever as bragging rights, I took my graduation picture off her wall.  She told me to put it back because it was hers and she paid for it, and I refused and simply said I was going to destroy it.  And left.  I later gave back her bag and also gave her my copy of her house key... broken in two.  However, i had forgotten her drink holder that was still attached to my rucksack... a small fabric thing about the size of a wallet when it was all folded up.  She used my sister to get that back from me, and I used the opportunity to get my sleeping bag and tent from her house as a trade... I also stated that it was to be complete, untampered, undamaged and unmodified in case she had the idea of cutting it out of spite.  And after I picked them up without ever facing her, I was gone from her life.  I sort of regret not getting the Lego out of the loft (I can see her throwing it away or maybe giving it to my niece because it was taking up space in 'her' loft), since I would have liked to play with that, but I can see her refusing because it's 'inappropriate', and it's a loss I can live with.

When it comes to her shallowness, she always falls back to things belonging to her or the fact she paid for something or how much it costs her.  Leaving a light on for more than a few seconds gets me a reprimand, as is leaving a fingerprint on the light switch because everything must be ultra-clean.  Of course, if I ever turn it on her (like when I called her out for leaving the bathroom light on), it's never her fault, because she'll be coming back in a few minutes and it will take more energy turning it off then on again.  Granted, my absent-mindedness is the bane of their existence, and I curse myself for it.  Hearing "why can't you do X like everybody else?" only further destroys my sense of self worth because my answer of "because I'm not everybody else" is not acceptable.  I've also learnt that she doesn't actually value my opinion.  Besides my interests being something I must shut up about unless it suits her needs (i.e. teasing me to her boyfriend or using me in place of a professionally paid service).  The previous year, she got stuck on Swirral Edge on Helvellyn (a mountain in the Lake District).  I told her she could do it and tried to guide her towards footholds (I had done this the previous day when she got stuck on another mountain), but she refused and said she was going the long way, even though it would add several miles to our journey and require a bus ride back to the car.  However, as soon as a COMPLETE STRANGER (another hiker) suggested the same things and started to guide her, she succeeded easily.

At one point in the recent past (before everything went wrong), I did try to find common ground and offer to play a board game with her (something my sworn sister Mitch suggested).  She refused, saying that I always win, even when I suggested backgammon, a game neither of us are particularly good at, but she would rather play Ludo with my niece instead, someone who is far too young to play yet.  I don't want to call her a coward because that's what I am, but that was another incident that affected me and my opinion of her.

I know I'm not the good guy in this, and anyone will point out how much my parents have sacrificed for me, especially due to my condition that makes me struggle to fit into society.  I know I am selfish and don't think about other people, and sometimes I simply don't know how to.  I'm not a person who you want to be friends with.  But it has reached a point where I'm expected to destroy my individuality and suppress my sense of self for the sake of social expectations and upholding the status quo.  I can't ever hope to change society or people who use the excuse that they are set in their ways due to their age, so all I can do is exile myself and live in a way that may ultimately be self-destructive, but at least true to myself.  But what makes me truly the villain?  I am well aware that I am the last person to carry the Moreton family name, and it will die with me.  If and when I get married, I'm taking my partner's name.  Finally, to cement my exile, I am also discarding my name.  I am no longer Gareth.  I am now Kit.  And no, I'm not taking it from Ratchet and Clank 5... "Kit" was my fursona long before the game was devised.  Moreton will be discarded once I find a better surname.

I am a coward, yes, but at least I can now live and die by my own terms, plus avoiding conflict, even if it means exile, is better than constantly facing it.  And honestly?  I feel so much better for it.  I know I go against every written principle, but I hate my mother and I refuse to forgive my father, and I'm growing to hate him too.  Why?  Because forgiving him will condone and enable his actions, and hatred is the only thing I have that's stronger than his anger that he was used to make me cower and submit to him in the past.  If it comes to that again where his anger takes over, since it's always his way or the highway (something my mother admits to and indirectly supports), my hatred will be enough to stop me succumbing to fear.

I am no longer my parents' child.  I am no longer John Gareth Moreton.  Now there is only Kit.  I will live by my own terms, probably die alone and be buried a pauper's grave and my memory lost to the sands of time.  And I am content with that.  One might ask "what's the point?", given that we're born, we live, we die and we're forgotten, and most people cannot hope to leave their mark on the world, for better or for worse, but the meaning of life is to live, not survive.  So live.  If it harm none, do what thou wilt.  Live your life, so long as you don't trample over others.

Live.

Emergency Proofreading Commissions

So I'm in a pickle... I've actually exceeded my overdraft limit due to, of all things, bank charges!  I literally cannot withdraw any money or buy anything and the bank charges will continue to increase as long as I'm beyond the limit.  I do have a contract job, but I'm not due to be paid until the end of next week.  Therefore, for that time, I am opening up emergency proofreading commissions.  I am happy to take on fiction and non-fiction work. My terms and conditions are as follows: - Price is £3 / €4 / $4 per 500 words, rounded to the nearest 500. - Minimum word count of 2,000 words (if the article contains fewer than 2,000 words, then it will be treated as if it had 2,000 words). - I request half payment at the beginning and the final half upon completion. - Articles that are 3,000 words or shorter I will attempt to complete within 48 hours. Single-page documents I will attempt to complete within the same day. Note that longer articles may take longer to complete than shorter ones, so try to be patient if you have something big. - If the proofreading of a story is requested, breaking it into individual chapters to be proofread is preferred, since it allows for a faster turnaround of completed work. - Please specify if you are working in Commonwealth (British) English or American English. - All payments should be made through PayPal at [email protected] (this is also the e-mail I use for correspondence). - An invoice will be provided upon job completion and receipt of payment as future proof (an e-mail address to send your copy is required).

Unsafe Spaces

So it seems that what I thought was a safe place to be myself actually wasn't.  My little side, my inner child, whatever it's called, is not socially acceptable.  It's apparently creepy, not funny, not cute and I'm not a child, I'm an adult, and essentially I'm told it's not my true self, just essentially boiling down to a reaction to my parents not loving me enough.  I don't even know how to take that last part... even if it might be true, it just feels insulting.

My emotional sensitivity is an issue too, and I rely on the Internet as a poor substitute for real-life relationships because I don't have the social skills or extraversion to venture into the city to find large groups, which would just cause me to panic and run a mile since I prefer much smaller groups or 1:1 interaction.

And yet even if my quirks were unacceptable, I much rather keep them and become a pariah than appease the social status quo.  True, it might cement my loneliness and isolation, and even if it is believed that it is not my true self, right now it is, and frankly I'm tired of constantly suppressing myself and putting on a façade to uphold some image for the benefit of others.

I am a little, a furry, an otherkin possibly, and I don't care that I'm a 36-year-old man in the eyes of society - I am not a ‘real man’ and I never will be.  If I'm creepy as a result, so be it.

Rediscovery

I did something tonight that I haven’t done in a long time... I drove out into nature, and walked skyclad (nude) through the grass.  I had some fear of being judged and seen, but the former quickly dissipated.  It was so cleansing to be natural once again and, in a sense, get into the mindset of my character Âlfar.

Granted I did it under the cover of darkness for safety reasons, after recent events, I needed this.  I need to get in touch with my animal side once again and be the person I need to be.

I was expecting a clear night, given the current heatwave in the UK, but had low cloud and light fog instead (although the Moon was still visible).  The slight moisture in the air was a very nice feeling though and an interesting contrast to the dry grass between my toes.

Illusion of Helplessness and Control

Today marks a major new chapter in my life, and much of it is my fault.  During the hiking holiday in the Lake District, I had a bit of a "last straw that broke the camel's back" meltdown when I got sprayed by a tap (faucet) while trying to fill up my water bottle.  When mother came out of the bathroom, she recalled that "my face was like thunder" and she asked what happened, and when I said I got splashed, showing my cold and soaking wet trousers, she essentially said "so what? There's no need to react to it", and also started laughing when she began to help untwist my shoudler strap, since the drink holder had gotten tangled around it.  I melted down, threw the water bottle onto the grass and collapsed onto my knees and wished I could be more human.  Mother was more concerned about me vandalising her property (the water bottle) and then went on to say that she had been up since 6:30 am that morning, and I screamed "I DON'T GIVE A F***" before she could finish.

After she went off for the walk on her own, I knew I had to address my fight or flight instincts - I felt trapped and helpless because I was entirely dependent on my mother and in a place with too many people around.  So I immediately started researching the nearest train station and which bus to get to get there, since it was almost certainly in a different town.  Once I found it, I went and dismantled my tent.  I quickly discovered though that a lot of stuff, like my rucksack of drawing and writing items and the bags for my tent poles etc. were locked in mother's car and she took the keys with her, so I had to leave them behind.  I left the dismantled tent as neatly as possible inside mother's tent, and just took the carryall of clothes and my hiking rucksack with whatever I could fit.  Then I made the long, arduous walk to the bus station that took about 45 minutes, and then a bit longer to wait for the correct bus.  However, once I was on board, I made my way to the train station, where I bought a ticket all the way back to Brighton, which I later learnt was 360 miles away.  The final bus ride back to my mother's house, since that was where my car was located, and it was at the tail end of Gay Pride in Brighton - unfortunately my mood soured because I had to endure a loud conversation between a couple of women on the seats behind me talking about good sexual chemistry with a 6'4" guy with a six-pack, but how she found him incredibly boring because he was an engineer.  This depressed me somewhat because even a boring engineer gets good sex whereas I know so little about social skills, along with my own physical and psychological problems that prevent me from penetrating... makes me feel terribly incompetent and sound like an incel.

I spent the night at mother's house since it was closing in on midnight, and the glorious silence and solitude was wonderful.  Even the stars were out.  Though an empty house and a quiet neighbourhood are a lot more luxurious than camping, the ability to be alone while also having control of my immediate destiny (the car) helped me find something that resembled inner peace.  It wasn't to last though.

Come the next day, I started taking some things back to my flat in small shifts.  I was taking a break at mother's house when she arrived home.  After confirming the details of how I got back and that I was okay, the grilling began, initially beginning with how what I did was unacceptable and that actions have consequences because I can't just throw stuff and shout in a family camp.  She reiterated that I don't have to react to getting splashed and I just felt helpless and invalidated, so I just continued with packing my stuff, albeit with more vigour.  However, the conversation took a turn for the worse when she brought up how I always talk about the incident in December, and that while I apologised for ruining my niece's birthday party, I haven't apologised for being rude to her and 'causing dad to hit me'.  I made it quite clear that I refuse to forgive Lloyd and also refusing to apologise to her, especially as I feel she's enabling and justifying his temper and abuse.  She then went on to remind me that I actually caused bodily harm to her once in 2013, and that she doesn't go around telling people that she was assaulted and calling the police (I haven't forgiven myself for what I did).  I told her she should have done, and I was fully expecting them to turn up on my doorstep at the time.  At this point I had made a silent decision... I was not safe with either of my parents, and they were potentially not safe with me, so I would hve to exile myself from my mother as well as my father.  After I had packed what I could find in the car, including some books and my chess set, I took down my graduation picture and a large picture of the BHASVIC (sixth form college) students where I was hidden, as one of the the last items. since I didn't want to be her son any more and I certainly did not want her to use my accomplishments as a source of bragging.  Of course, mother noticed and demanded I bring back the item that she bought with her money - I told her it didn't belong to her, and that I was going to destroy them, and walked out the house and drove off (at the moment they're just sitting on my floor and I'm debating if I should actually destroy them).

On the way back to my flat, mother contacted me asking me to bring back her bag of dirty clothes that I had taken by mistake, as well as her carryall that I had been using to transport my own clothes.  Before I did so, I had to make it symbolic that I was breaking my ties with her, and to do so, I took my copy of her front door key, wedged it in a desk drawer, and smashed the handle off with a clawhammer.  When returning to her house with her bag of laundry, she actually setting out to my place when she said I had her rucksack too, which I've confirmed I don't - she turned around when she saw my car though.  After I gave her the items on the kerbside, including a USB charge cable I had borrowed as well as the two pieces of the broken key, I drove off, but not before she started banging on my window, probably because she had found the key.  That was the last I saw of her - she turned around and walked back to her house as soon as I drove off rather than try to wave after me.  My only regrets is that I had left my camping equipment behind that I might have to consider a lost cause, and I may have left my favourite hat at her place too unless it's fallen into a footwell in the car.

I pulled over a couple of streets away and sent one final message before blocking her... "My name is not Gareth; I will no longer respond to that title".  To break away from the family, I have to discard my old identity too.  I will take one final lesson from mother to heart... she always pushed me to make a new self... "the new you", even though it was to her standards and enforced on me.  Well, as of now, J. Gareth Moreton is dead.  Right now I am just Kit... the surname I'll have to figure out later for legal purposes.

I am more than aware that I am in the wrong with a lot of this, and I have become Chaotic Neutral.  Actions have consequences, and I am now in self-imposed exile.  My life and my path must be my own now.  Self-made people are a myth, and I will likely die in poverty and as an unknown, but I am at peace with that, and I would much rather die poor and free than in my family's debt.  I don't feel afraid any more.  I no longer have to adhere to their image and upper middle class standards.  I have a lot of major character flaws to work on, but there is one thing I feel now that I've broken away... free.