Yes, please.

The boy i like pressed his back against my arm the other day while trying to hold open an elevator that he didn’t realize i was already holding open and I was so startled that I physically couldn’t tell him I already had it and it felt like my brain melted onto the carpet.

So, yes, that’s what it’s like to be touch-starved.

The boy i like pressed his back against my arm the other day while trying to hold open an elevator that he didn't realize i was already holding open and I was so startled that I physically couldn't tell him I already had it and it felt like my brain melted onto the carpet.

So, yes, that's what it's like to be touch-starved.

Several Months Later

Hey y'all

It's been... 4ish months or so and i am logging in today for the first time in at least 3 months.

I'm definitely happy with my choice to detransition. I feel like the year spent on T and living masculine really helped me to embrace my real feelings about gender and expression re: myself. Since stopping T, I've been happier than i was on T and than i was before T. It's difficult to really express, but i guess it's most evident in my new lack of hecks given about body image and how people see me when I'm out. I don't care whether strangers call me sir or ma'am then they need my attention in stores or at events. I don't care about whether it's been too long since I've shaved my legs (frankly i just don't bother unless I'm feeling SUPER up for it for a particular outfit). I don't care whether my shoulders are too broad for certain cuts of dresses and shirts or my stomach is flat enough to be flattered by crop tops. I used to be very particular when shopping and, even if i liked the look of something, wouldn't buy it if it had, say, cap sleeves or a halter neckline, because i didn't feel like i could pull them off. I mean, the fashion media will tell you differently, but i feel like "pulling it off" is 60% confidence that you look bomb and 40% getting the right fit and coordinating the rest of the outfit, which is a newly acquired viewpoint for me.

I dont know how much physically has changed since detransitioning. I did finally have a period again after three months, but it was just normal terrible and not the super terrible murder period i assumed it would be after going so long without one. I think maybe the extra hair on my stomach, shoulders, and arms is thinning out, but its hard to tell because i see it everyday. Uhhh my mom reads this, so I'll also say in the vaguest possible terms that i am pretty sure ive also noticed a bit of a... reduction?? elsewhere?? In any case, it doesn't hurt as much when i talk anymore. What an annoyance that i am glad to maybe not have to deal with anymore. Oh! And now my hair is way thicker and wavy for some reason, despite having perfectly straight hair my entire life? Not sure what that's about.

Anywayyyyy, life is good!

One month

It has been about that long since I stopped T and canceled surgery, so here's an update.

Still happy with that decision

Have spent probably too much money on fem clothes, but nearly all were from various goodwills in town, so at least an excellent value for the cost

Seem to be getting the first stages of pms cramps today and yesterday, which is not great, but does mean my body is trying to fix itself, which IS positive

My new doctor says everything's fine, except for possibly elevated blood pressure, and said I might want to get a new pain prescription in case my fibro pain comes back

My court date for name change is my birthday, very funny to me as I did not choose it

And now I must prepare for hurricane Michael, projected to hit the Florida panhandle on Wednesday as a category 3 hurricane. Can't escape to Shreveport this time, though, since Alex moved. Rip.

Well, I canceled my surgery.

I didn't take my shot this week (possibly ill advised, as no physicians were consulted) and am therefore officially in the detox process.

 I ... Un-came out? To my mom, most supportive aunt, favorite brother, my best friend in each state I've lived in since high school, my roommate, my boss, and my therapist. Everyone is very supportive, nobody has said anything that includes "phase" or "told you so" re: either hormones or surgery.

 I'm kind of just riding out a high right now. I think it's just all the pent up fem energy from the past year.

 I bought two of those lacy racerback bras with no real cups or underwires the other day because I don't own any bras and I also don't have the same chest size as I used to, but I've loved these since they came into fashion and I was always bummed I no longer wore bras. Now I have two! And I look cute as hell!!

 I just went to the best goodwill in town for clothes and bought two pairs of "girl" pants (one maroonish jegging, one pink gap khakis), two super awesome pairs of dress shoes (black lace-up flats, purple lace-up ankle boots), a big slouchy open sweater, a button up that's entirely lace except for blue satin sleeve cuffs and chest pockets(!!!), and like seven really cute fall-appropriate dresses and Y'ALL I AM LIVING!!!

I love everything UGH

 I've also noticed I no longer have the same hang ups about clothes that I used to before hormones. I'm not averse to pink or worried about whether my shoulders can pull off those shirts and dresses with no sleeves where the fabric all comes down from the collar. The answer is yes! I can pull them off if they're the right size, my man!

 Oh god, I knew I missed the easiness of putting on a dress and going, but I didn't realize how much until I was in the dressing room looking at myself in them. Aaaaaaaaaa

 I'm gonna go buy nice smelling bath soaps and pamper the heck outta myself, oh yes.

Interesting! I hadn't actively considered this for myself, but it may be true in my experience, as well. I will try to note how I feel in the next few days and see what effects my presentation and responses.

I've found that being gender neutral/the slightest hint of gender fluid makes it very difficult to pin down what determines my presentation and headspace in any given moment. Today, in contrast, is the first full day since I decided to detransition and cancel my upcoming surgery, and I just felt such a sense of relief and calm to have made that choice. That relief spurred a real desire to be cute as hell, so I put on a sports bra for the first time in a year (gym aside), some super soft old navy shirts from pre-T, and my more feminizing glasses and went out with my roommate to buy some of those lacy racerback bras that are in now, since I don't have any real bras anymore. It's such a rush! Strangers have automatically pegged me as male for at least 6 months now, but today the first shop worker who spoke to us said, "do y'all ladies need any help?" and I felt so pleased that I could present as female so easily after all this time and all the changes from T.

I don't think every day will be a particularly feminine day now, but every time an employee at the several stores I visited called me ma'am, it was like getting video game power-ups, haha, and I was just loving it.

Gender can be relational

Because it’s a social construct, gender can be about how you interact with others in the world.

But does anyone find themselves feeling considerably less uncomfortable regarding gender dysporia and pronouns depending on who is addressing you?

For instabxe, when a super masc cis dude calls me she it really pisses me off, but a woman calling me she is less alienating. And if the person is queer or gnc, I love it.

I feel like my sexuality works in this way too. When I’m with another woman I feel safe and less conscerned about how I fuck. If anything I feel sad about my body and the way I have changed it. But when I’m with cis gay men my dysphoria is baaaad.

Thank you for this. I believe I'm starting to come to terms with the idea that I may not have made the right choice in transitioning and I am very concerned about the ramifications re: everyone jumping down my throat about it. Even now, while searching the detransition tag to find out what it might be like when I stop hormones and readjust, the majority of what I'm seeing is unsettling, hard opinions that do nothing to help me understand this confusion and disorientation. I am very aware of the possibility that the trans group I am a member of in my city will likely not react positively to the news and I will lose those friends. I'm not looking forward to it, but I think it is a necessary consequence for my own happiness. I also assume I will be told that any given person "knew it was a phase" or words to that effect, which both invalidates my experience and does nothing to benefit anyone in any way. Most posts I see in this tag from detransitioned women have some mention of their development into radical feminists and I just personally do not want to be a part of that movement (which in my experience can be just as cultish as the online trans community), and was beginning to become concerned that my detransitioning without simultaneous radicalization would lead me to be even more subject to invalidation and spiteful comments. This post does give me hope, though. Thank you, again.

I’m frustrated with the idea that people only claim the label “detransitioned” in order to fuck with trans people. Most detransitioned women I know put their time and energy into helping other detransitioned women, not going after trans people. Going after trans people isn’t going to help us get the resources we need. We’re not out to recruit. We talk about our experiences because detransitioning is often a hard lonely process and reading about the stories of other detransitioned women can be such a relief. We create online communities and organize real-life gatherings so we can talk to each other and get support.

I write and make videos primarily for other detransitioned women and women struggling with dysphoria. I’ve had a real hard time as a detransitioned woman but I know that it doesn’t have to be this way. I want to make it easier for other women.  

Being detransitioned doesn’t mean being anti-trans or against transition. It’s not a political position or statement of belief, we don’t all think alike or hold the same opinions. Detransitioning is an experience some women go through and we get to talk about it. We get to talk about what it was like for us to understand ourselves as trans people, what brought us to transition, what transitioning was like, how we came to detransition, what detransitioning is like, how we manage dysphoria these days and so on. Again, we talk about this largely for the benefit of other detransitioned and dysphoric women. Because hearing each others’ stories is healing.

And we get to talk about how transitioning fucked our lives up or caused problems, if that happens to be part of our stories. We get to talk about any health problems we have as a result of hormones or surgery. We get to talk about what we lost from transitioning, what we grieve. We get to talk about problems we see with the current trans health system or how transitioning is administered. If we were hurt from being part of the trans or queer community, we get to talk about that too. This isn’t an anti-trans plot. It’s talking about suffering we’ve lived through and how we’ve managed to cope and survive. It’s talking about problems we’ve faced and what we think people should do to fix those problems. We get to name what hurt us, be openly critical and seek out solutions.

If a trans person or anyone else says something ignorant or harmful about detransitioned women, then I might speak out if I think doing so will lead to positive change. And trans people say some ignorant shit about us sometimes. Some of them really seem to relish trying to pick our stories apart and proving that we’re not real. When trans people mistreat us you bet we’ll speak out. But we also speak out when radical feminists and conservative Christians do fucked up shit to us too. Detransitioned women don’t take any shit from anyone! Generally, we criticize and resist people who threaten our well-being no matter who they are. So we have trans people calling us “terfs” and radical feminists saying we’re still caught up in the “trans cult”.

I’m working to make life better for detransitioned women and sometimes that means criticizing trans people and sometimes it means criticizing radical feminists or gender-critical parents. But a lot of the time it means creating work that’s specifically intended for other detransitioned women, work that reflects our experiences or shares information about how to cope with the unique hardships we face. I consider that my main work and consider the criticism I engage in a way of clearing space so that detransitioned women will have more room to act and have less weighing us down. Getting bullshit out of our way so we can get on with creating our own lives.

What a relief to find another post that mentions what I wrote about in my last update. It's a very unsettling and damaging problem to develop this disconnect between myself now and myself before and, while I wish neither of us had to contend with it, I am immensely grateful to know that I am not alone in this. If it's alright, I think I'll print out your post and bring it in to my therapist when I see her next week to talk about my considering detransitioning. It's not really her area of expertise and I think some evidence of other people's similar experiences will help us make the right choices for me.

there’s certain conversations trans people mainly only have among themselves in fear their words will be used against them and their politics, but I’ve noticed they’ve become increasingly more common and increasingly easier to stumble upon.

it’s people seeking validation after they accidentally called themselves the “wrong pronouns” in their head. it’s trans men on T complaining about pelvic pain that their doctors cannot explain. it’s trans women talking about the disadvantages of vaginoplasty they didn’t know about before getting surgery. it’s people on hormones talking about how hard it’s been for them to adjust to the way they feel emotions now–trans women’s depression being harder to manage on estrogen, trans men feeling like their emotions are harder to access.

these statements are always, inevitably prefaced with a disclaimer: this is my own personal experience and does not reflect that of all trans people! and this does not mean I’m not trans or that I’m not dysphoric!

this is true. but the emphasis placed on these disclaimers obscures the reality of how often these things may occur and makes it hard for people to think of ways to resolve them. when I first learned I could take testosterone, I immediately thought I would die taking T shots. it never occurred to me I would one day stop T until I ran out of it one day, didn’t immediately have the money for more, and was too depressed to make the arrangements necessary to refill my prescription for over a month. it was not until after that month had gone by that I started to reconsider whether taking T for the rest of my life was something I wanted to do.

but it’s not just physical transition.

what prompted me to write this was reading someone say the person they were before transitioning feels foreign to them. this is a sentiment I’ve heard echoed by a lot of trans people in different words. they feel a disconnect to their old selves, they lack a great number of memories of their lives prior to transition, they have a very hard time seeing themselves as the same person they were before realizing they were trans, they cannot recognize themselves as themselves in pictures before transition.

I tried very hard to fight this when I identified as trans, and it’s why I was always very uncomfortable with “deadnaming” as a concept even if I never told other trans people not to use it. but no matter how much I fought it, reidentifying as a woman has made me realize how much distance I did end up putting between myself as a trans man and my past as a girl. it was hard to feel like one of the “good” trans guys who accepted his male privilege if I remembered my childhood and my female socialization as my own. it was hard to dismiss the possibility of internalized misogyny and lesbophobia if I acknowledged I’d moved through the world as a girl for so long. it was hard to connect to my past when there were so many people from it I no longer talked to and thought I would never talk to again.

I know it sounds like I’m pushing for all trans people to detransition, but I’m not. but I share a lot of life experiences with trans people, and their pain is something I felt acutely and am still recovering from. I just wish more dysphoric people could be honest with ourselves and our lives regardless of what we choose to do to our bodies. I truly think it’s the only way to try to avoid feeling like the first years of our lives are a void, a series of events that happened to somebody else.

humans are embodied beings, and we’ll always live our lives through our bodies. disembodying our pasts to fit our current mental reality only harms us.

Wish You Were Here

I keep trying to collect my thoughts to put together that reflective post I intended to write on my anniversary, but I’m finding it difficult to construct clear points, even just for myself.

Yesterday, it occurred to me that many of the issues I’m struggling with boil down to a very frustrating truth: I miss myself.

It’s frustrating because I am currently me, as I always am and have been, so how can I miss myself? But that’s what’s happening. At my core, I’m the same person. It’s a big theme in trans discourse and the Big Conversations with friends and family when coming out - being trans doesn’t make you a different person than they thought you were, it just makes you a more genuine version of yourself. And that is true. However, what I’m finding out is that, in a more existential way, I have unintentionally separated myself into two distinct Selves in my own head.

Let me give the most direct example, as this is what made me realize that missing myself was what was actually happening. When I think about old stories and memories from my life, I see those things as events that happened to me, both then and as I am currently. However, when I tell an old story to someone who didn’t know me then, I find that the story does not convey the same message.

Plainly put, consider that a memory from my wedding day is just that - an anecdote from a comically terrible day - and anyone who was at my wedding will chuckle at the embarrassing antics of my in-laws (my brother-in-law fainting, my mother-in-law burning her mustache off trying to wax it and yelling at my much fairer-skinned bridesmaids for not having foundation she could use to cover the burn, my father-in-law just straight up not showing up like the dirtbag he is) and the ridiculous weather (107 in Kansas in September, really??) and the stupid amount of pie and chairs versus the number of people who bothered to actually attend (about 1/2 of those who rsvp’ed) and everything else. However, if I tell those same stories to someone who met me after I came out, they focus on different elements (i.e. “wait, you had a wedding dress?”) or I have to preface by saying “by the way, I’m trans and this was before.”

In that sense, the difference between my two identities manifests itself. It’s incredibly frustrating. That shit wedding happened to me. That’s my story. But, at the same time, I have to modify or add information to share it with people now. It comes across like I’m telling stories about another person, even though I’m not, and it makes me incredibly irritated and, honestly, it hurts to feel like I’ve lost that.

Autumn went through so much, both good and bad, and I am nothing without her struggles, sacrifices, and accomplishments. I earned those battle scars and accolades with my hard word, perseverance, intelligence, and determination. That girl is not some lost twin, she’s me.

I don’t look back at old pictures and see them as someone else’s pictures, but that’s what they look like when I share them. I have a picture framed in my room of myself and my cat in matching sailor shirts that my mom gave me for a birthday a few years ago. It used to be in my living room and I know a dozen or so of my friends have seen it at parties, several of whom did not know me pre-transition, and instead of seeing it and being amused at how unimpressed Maxwell is, they are distracted by the image of me in short shorts, with a clearly unbound chest and long hair, very much looking like the 20 year old girl I was. The reaction is more an effort to reconcile that image with what I look like now, how they know me.

The solution, I guess, is to not show those pictures or share those stories, or to leave out some information to make them neutral, but I’m not willing to lock up 25 years of life to avoid uncomfortable feelings on my part or theirs. Unfortunately, that decision results in this weird, distressing conundrum.

I am fortunate in that most of the people I associate with did know me when I came out, so they are not necessarily surprised by the stories where I have a different name or am married to a man or am distinctly female in some way.

I think it may be easier to handle this sort of dissociation for trans people who are hard-leaning in one direction or the other. If you are distinctly masculine or feminine, or experience severe dysphoria, and you start transitioning, I imagine it is an intense relief to look in the mirror and see yourself as the gender you always knew you were. Perhaps you are more willing, in that case, to lock those stories up in a mental box and have no desire to look at old photos. Maybe it is actually cathartic to see yourself as two distinct people. But.. that just isn’t the case for me.

I am - and have always been completely honest about being - essentially gender neutral. I am neutral on most things, really. I’m neutral on gender, sex, romantic attraction - pretty much anything the lgbt community is concerned with. That’s why I generally identify as queer - all other labels tend to indicate some leaning I do not feel. Transitioning was a logical choice for me, after several years of consideration, because it seemed that being consistently presented in the feminine was wearing on me. I do find that I prefer being referred to with masculine indicators (handsome over pretty, sir over ma’am), but not so strongly as to be angry, anxious, or hurt when someone gets it “wrong,” unless it is repetitive and consistent. I also do have localized chest dysphoria, and always believed that I needed chest surgery (which has not changed). I do not see transitioning as a mistake, but it did come with a consequence I had not accounted for in this feeling of loss.

I think the hard thing about missing “her” is that its much the same as missing someone who has died; you can’t go reconcile and be friends again or call and apologize for just losing touch. That person is gone. She was my best friend, my foundation, my conscience, and its like one day I woke up and she was gone. Like I arbitrarily decided I didn’t need her anymore and moved on. But that’s NOT TRUE. She’s not gone! She’s me! She’s my essence, my heart! But I can’t get to her and the rational knowledge that we are one single person does not assuage the empty feeling in my chest. It is confusing and frustrating and really, painfully lonely.

Its my (1st) birthday!!

Today is the anniversary of my very first testosterone shot! I am a little bit under the weather (hrt does not cure fibromyalgia, unfortunately), so in lieu of a long reflective post (which is absolutely forthcoming - y'all know I never shut up when I start going off on here), please accept these photos of my current celebratory activities and company.

Pizza, mead, tiny Spiderman (a gift from the roommate), and my beautiful one-handed potato king Maxwell.

Also, I'm introducing my roommate to Infinity War because I want to cry?? Maybe?? More to follow.

My official one year anniversary of hrt is the 24th, but, as I'm unlikely to be photographed in naught but my britches on that day, I thought I may as well post these as a more whole-body progression display. I think y'all can only see the first photo, though, even tho the insta post has 4/5 photos (@janet50314 I will email them to you if you've forgotten how to use instagram again). More to follow on the 24th!

Actually I'm adding this one bc it's got Mary in it and also for some reason my eyes went blue/gray and I'm trippin about it.

Lobster Lord forever

Beach day with Thing 1 & Thing 2. Amazingly, you cant see my tattoos in any of these. Not pictured: ocean barf (nudibranch), the stingray in the tide that flapped too close for comfort twice, hermit crab colonies in dried oak stumps. #nearlyredtide #steveirwinneverforget #lobsterboi #badtranshealthchoices #soonnomorebinders (at Carrabelle Beach, Florida) https://www.instagram.com/p/BmsAMmbn-9qu31TZ5oDe2A1agPekmXz6QYLKrE0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=lq0p5w6msirr

Beach day with Thing 1 & Thing 2. Amazingly, you cant see my tattoos in any of these. Not pictured: ocean barf (nudibranch), the stingray in the tide that flapped too close for comfort twice, hermit crab colonies in dried oak stumps. #nearlyredtide #steveirwinneverforget #lobsterboi #badtranshealthchoices #soonnomorebinders (at Carrabelle Beach, Florida) https://www.instagram.com/p/BmsAMmbn-9qu31TZ5oDe2A1agPekmXz6QYLKrE0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=lq0p5w6msirr

Interesting! I did not know this and will try to remember it for October. @friends pls remind me if I hit the crash and need the reminder!

One thing they don’t tell you about top surgery:

You’re gonna have a hormone crash, and it’s gonna be weird, and for the first couple days you’re gonna feel weird and bad emotionally and maybe feel like you made a mistake.

Yeah, that’s actually normal. Your breasts produce hormones and trigger hormone production elsewhere, and removing them induces something like a mild form of postpartum depression.

IT WILL PASS.

For the first few days I couldn’t even glance at my chest without feeling horrible, like I’d done something egregious. A few days later and I’m fine and thrilled, just as I thought I would be. The hormone crash is real, it’s okay, and don’t freak out about it too much. It will pass. You’ve done the right thing and you know it.

Hormones are just weird and evil.

Ya boy has an interview tomorrow for the first level of my dream job and I'm trying not to overstress, but the current day-long fibromyalgia flare in my knees indicates that I am failing at that SO if any of you sweet beans want to send a little bardic inspiration my way, that would be stellar.

I'm going over a ton of material to prep for the interview, so I won't necessarily be responding right away if y'all do drop a line, but I'll hear it and appreciate you :D and of course thank you when I take a break (and in advance! Pls help).

I changed my handle (again)!

Ollivander-holyfield ==> whenharrymetollie

Mostly, I'm impressed and surprised that I have enough non-irl friend mutuals to warrant this post.

I liked the old one, but I thought of this on my drive from the professors' house to the Tree and it made my chuckle like the old man I am, so here it is.

I've never actually seen the movie, but it is meant as an homage to my moth names (as I will now refer to them, and as opposed to my caterpillar name, a term I am using in place of "deadname") which shorten to Harry and Ollie.

[Fun fact: Harry is not actually a nickname, but was originally used as the spoken form of the name Henry in 18th c. (maybe earlier) England, thus the King Henrys were all called Harry colloquially and idk that's some tight history shit to me.]

Yaaaaay

I may not have @junktownknights luck, but I found my first four leaf clover today! #buonafortuna (at Tallahassee, Florida)

It occurs to me that I haven't shared a photo in a while, partly because I haven't been taking them every month anymore and partly because my mom just came to visit, but here you go. This is from earlier today, right after work.

[Today is roughly 10.75 months on T.]

I think I look pretty good considering I just worked 10.5 hours. Apparently my go-to look is 50% stepdad and 50% substitute teacher.

---

This second one is from Saturday and makes me look 12, but it has my leading lady, Queen Jojo, in it and what little you can see of my hair is not a hot mess.

The last photo is from a few days ago and includes a poor quality rendering of my beard and also Maxwell telling me secrets.

I'm not sure this is a useful representation of my transition progress, but I'm smiling in 2/3 of them and I've been feelin cute lately and I like showing off my sweet animal friends.