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This pull quote comes across as faint praise, no?
#books#literature#cold mountain#coldmountain#charles frazier#quote#book quotes#quotes#reading#funny#humor#history
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Ghosts of Fear Street, Fright Christmas | Review
Title: Ghosts of Fear Street #15 – Fright Christmas
Author: Stephen Roos (as by R.L. Stine)
Cover Artist: John Youssi
INTRODUCTION
The cover artwork got my hopes up. Never before has Silent Night looked so loud loud loud! Unfortunately the plot is less interesting. The ghostwriter must have organized a White Elephant Plot Exchange, because the entire story is lifted from A Christmas Carol. It’s safe to assume R.L. Stine forgot this book exists, too, because he penned his own adaptation of the Dickens classic in 2017 entitled Young Scrooge.
I was fully prepared to skip this book. Bah humbug. But last night I was visited by The Ghost Of Christmas Past. The spectre said unto me, “Fright Christmas had an audiobook adaptation in 1997 starring Kieran Culkin. This wasn’t the most successful Christmas project for the Culkins, but skipping it could be seen as an insult. If they have the power to put a star in Hollywood Boulevard for Macaulay, think about how easily they could put you in the ground!”
Well, I’ve had a sudden change of heart. Let’s give this book a chance! One last toast to has-been ghosts, the review will be soon.
STORY REVIEW
Kenny Frobisher is less of a “peace on earth” guy and more of a “piece of work” guy. When his sister visits Santa in the mall, Kenny spoils the occasion by calling it all fake. He even rips Mall Santa’s beard off! Maybe Kenny is banking on the resale value of coal. Anyways, Kenny wisely dips out after the beard stunt sparks a child riot. He sneaks into a secret control room, pushing past a big sign that says DANGER! KEEP OUT! So maybe Kenny is also banking on the resale value of Darwin Awards.
Kenny decides to flip some random switches, which was quality entertainment in a pre-internet America. This great plan backfires when Kenny locks himself in. Kenny fears that the ghostwriter is copying another story from the 1840s — until the door mysteriously creaks open. He emerges to discover an abandoned mall. He must have stayed past closing time. Or maybe he timetraveled to the early 2020s.
Santa rises from the shadows, but this fella ain’t holly-jolly. He looks ticked. Truly chilling. If that doesn’t scare you, have you considered SANTA is an anagram for SATAN? Truly chilling. Kenny yanks down on Santa’s beard, but this one doesn’t detach. Uh oh. Santa reprimands Kenny for his naughtiness and warns that the boy will be visited by three spirits. Kenny flees to Dalby’s Department Store, which is a cute bit of continuity, as this store is an important location in the main Fear Street series. Kenny decides it’s a super good time to nap on one of the luxury beds. Yes he’s trapped in a mall and haunted by ghosts, but it’s 8:59 (PM!!) and he’s sleepy, dagnabbit.
Kenny wakes up to the revving of a motorcycle. He meets an intimidating biker named Night Watchman. The guy claims he’s been watching Kenny all the time, but I guess “All Hours Watchman” doesn’t sound cool. This dude shows Kenny a flashback, a day when Kenny bullied some kid named “Tiny Timmy” in front of the whole school. Of course, Kenny enjoys revisiting this memory. To keep his grip on the situation, Night Watchman simply rams Kenny with his bike. Truly an underrated rhetorical strategy.
Eyes snapping open, Kenny finds himself back in the department store. The bed has been torn to shreds. He meets a wintery ghost named Ice Man. This fixes a huge problem in the original Dickens story: the total lack of wrestler-style character names. Ice Man whisks Kenny away to show him how the Frobishers are handling Christmas Eve without their son. Kenny’s sister seems pretty upset, but Mr. Frobisher offers helpful advice such as
“These things happen, honey.”
Think that sounds cold? Turns out, the family is only sad because their dog is lost. They haven’t even noticed Kenny is gone. I guess if you live on Fear Street, you develop an Oregon Trail mindset. Sometimes we have two kids, sometimes we have one kid, oh well what can you do.
Kenny is woken once more, this time by techno lights and crazy music, and he finds himself in an open grave. After all, you can’t spell GRAVE without RAVE. There’s also an unknown figure skulking around above him. Kenny pleas for help, but the figure turns out to be a hooded ghost. The spooky dude points a skeleton-finger at Kenny, and a hoard of ghost kids descend on our protagonist. Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Back in the mall again, an electrician shakes Kenny awake. The boy fell asleep in the control room. Feeling a sudden change of heart, he buys a gift for his sister. When Kenny gets home, the family dog has indeed gone missing, just like in his dream. Luckily, Tiny Timmy happened to catch the dog and returns it, upgrading him to Regular Timmy. But then Timmy reveals a spooky skeleton-finger, signifying that he was the mysterious ghost from Kenny’s dream. I made a visual aid to convey the terror.
THE VERDICT
If you’d like to create your own adaptation of A Christmas Carol, it might be beneficial to follow this simple set of rules: Don’t.
So concludes our third Biennial Holiday Special. Maybe by 2025, Elon Musk will buy this blog for billions of dollars and replace me with an AI. If you don’t want me replaced by a robot (or maybe you chuckled while reading this entry), feel free to leave a like or drop a message.
BEST QUOTE
“Sorry, Kenny,” Dad said softly. “We were reading A Christmas Carol. I know how you hate it.”
“Not anymore, Dad,” I said, […] “I love it! It’s one of my favorite stories now!”
Why? At what point was that experience anything other than traumatizing?
#books#horror#nostalgia#review#ghosts of fear street#fear street#goosebumps#stine#90s#christmas#holidays#xmas#ya books#yabooks#1990s#90s aesthetic#90s vibes#90s kids#spooky
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I’m reading Daniel James Brown’s Under a Flaming Sky. Fantastic book about firestorms. Yes those are as terrifying as they sound, but it also yields absurd anecdotes like this.
Like, WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE ‘SIMPLY JUMPED INTO HIS WELL’?! THIS MAN WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR 2 CHILDREN KJQEJGHUW
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The Nightmare Room #11, Scare School | Review
Title: The Nightmare Room 11 – Scare School
Author: R.L. Stine
Cover Artist: Tristan Elwell
INTRODUCTION
William George Crush conceived of a publicity stunt in 1896 where he would slam two uncrewed steam engines into each other. Something to the tune of forty-thousand people showed up to watch the spectacle. Three guesses which State this was in. When the boilers exploded at the moment of impact, two people were killed by flying shrapnel. Wikipedia generously describes the outcome as ‘unexpected.’
The spirit of Billy Crush is alive and well online. In fact, MrBeast slammed a train into a giant pit earlier this year, but his kill count remains at zero (for now). Crush’s disregard for human life is more embodied by pranksters like Kan-Hua Ren, who made headlines when he tricked a homeless man into eating toothpaste. Shockingly, he and Crush both skirted jailtime.
There’s undeniable horror to these anecdotes. Stunts and pranks become terrifying when they’re taken too far. Thankfully, this next story is strictly fiction, but it taps into the same horror. Today’s entry sees a young man tormented by a relentless prankster.
STORY REVIEW
Sam was expelled from his last school after a heated “shoving match.” He’s right up there with Dennis The Menace and Two Gun Crowley. His new school resembles a prison, but this is the only place that’ll accept him. Sam is shocked when he arrives and is confronted by a tiny green monster. Shovers can’t be choosers, Sam. The creature tags our protagonist and runs off. If it stayed a moment longer, it’d be in for the shoving of a lifetime.
Sam gets to class and asks some valid questions along the lines of Why was that hall monitor green? Everyone else wants to change the subject. At lunch, Sam is horrified to learn his potatoes are crawling with beetles. Kid, that isn’t the only beetly surprise this week. He’s shocked once more by a secret message etched into his meal tray. It says: “READ MY LETTER: WHO WILL DROP FIRST?”
This is shocking to Sam because how could a beetle have written this message if they don’t even have thumbs? A girl named Tonya explains that the message actually came from an evil imp who has decided to torment Sam. I made a joke about a literate beetle, and somehow the real explanation sounds less plausible. Eventually, Sam has another close encounter with the imp. It becomes a clothes encounter when the little dude steals Sam’s coat. Sam responds by shoving that imp so hard its tail pops off. Sam is now doomed to be pranked to death.
Things get wackier. Apparently, people will send live animals to Sam’s house because Sam’s dad used to work in a zoo. Nobody asks for permission, mind you. He just randomly recieves animals in the mail. And it’s important that they’re with him because ????. This is how Sam’s family accquires a rabbit. The rabbit is only in the story so Stine can do a fakeout where Sam finds bones and thinks the rabbit was killed, but the rabbit has actually been taken to the top of the school flagpole. And the rabbit is only at school in the first place because Sam’s dad demanded he bring it to school to show off. If Sam doesn’t show off this rabbit at school, that’d mean the poor thing was traumatized by FedEx for no good reason. But where did the bones come from? Who was bones?!
If you went back in time and tried to describe this story, they’d either form a religion around you or burn you at the stake. Imagine staring at a pilgrim and trying to explain any of this. “Imps can disguise themselves as human, but they choose names that reveal their true identity. The DROP FIRST message that Sam recieved was actually a clue to drop the first letter in their name. Tim Poster becomes Imposter! I forgot to mention there was a character named Tim Poster. Do you smell smoke? Why are my legs warm?”
Sam uncovers an imp infestation, meaning there are at least four villains. If you’ve seen Scream 6, it was a little like that. This revalation comes to a head the night of the band recital. In front of the whole school, four imps encircle our hero and dance around him. Not a regular dance. A menacing dance. Sam gains the upper hand when he turns the ordeal into a silly dance. The whole crowd assumes this is part of the show. They laugh hysterically. Since imps can’t stand to be the butt of a joke, they wither away.
The principal congratulates Sam on defeating the imps and asks if he can help the school with its troll problem. This is explained in one paragraph on the last page.
THE VERDICT
On a blog dedicated to weird books, this is the weirdest one I’ve reviewed in at least a couple years. I appreciate that aspect of it. Then again, I wonder how I’d react if I read the book while experiencing a headache. I’d probably throw it so hard against the wall it’d blow clean through and smack a pedestrian half-a-block away.
Have a happy Halloween!
BEST QUOTE
“It’s war,” I said. “Me against the imp.”
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The Nightmare Room #10, Full Moon Halloween | Review
Title: The Nightmare Room #10 – Full Moon Halloween
Author: R.L. Stine
Cover Artist: Tristan Elwell
INTRODUCTION
Around this time each year, Illinoisans dye the Chicago River green. I'm no ecologist, but I know drinking a Shamrock Shake reeks havoc on my organs. I can't imagine living in one.
For those of us above water, it's St. Patty's! You might assume Full Moon Halloween is a Halloween book. You might assume I failed to write my review in time for Halloween. You'd be wrong. This is a Saint Patrick's Day themed book. If you own a copy, DO NOT DOUBLE CHECK THAT CLAIM.
STORY REVIEW
The book starts by introducing four or five kids, a basketball-team-worth of generic children. You could imagine the Boston Celtics and it wouldn't make any difference. These lifelong friends are getting ready to celebrate the upcoming holiday. Hunting clovers, pinching strangers, getting punched because you pinched the wrong stranger, and you know the rest. Our lads and lasses are horrified when their science teacher invites them to a St. Patrick's Day party at his house. This would be considered weird behavior for anybody else, but "Mr. Moon" gets a pass because he set the bar high:
Ray said [...] "I'll bet you he's still in the lab, injecting weird things into bird eggs."
Tristan said [...] "I mean, I like the idea of putting strange things in eggs and then seeing what you get."
Stine knows kids.
Our heroes will be trapped by societal convention. Although, they might be able to sneak out early. With any luck, they'll still have ample time for step dancing and bobbing for corned beef. When the night comes, the kids try to forget about the day that brought them here. It doesn't help that the only people in attendance (aside from the protags) are Mr. Moon, his wife, and his son.
Things take a turn for the "genuinely creepy" when metal bars slam down over all the windows. It's a werewolf trap, and they've been caught. If you need me to spell it out, a grown man has just kidnapped multiple children and is hellbent on proving one of them is a secret monster. A man of pure reason, Mr. Moon employs the scientific method. Since he's already got his hypothesis (i.e. ONE OF THESE KIDS IS A WEREWOLF), it's time for some experiments.
PHASE 1. Have the kids dress up as werewolves to see if any of them look particularly werewolfish. Genius.
PHASE 2. Unleash a swarm of plogs. I think it's way funnier if I don't explain what "plogs" are.
PHASE 3. Feed the kids raw meat to gauge their reactions. This step might sound stupid, but in his defense it'd be pretty definitive proof should one of the kids shout "WOW THIS IS SO DELICIOUS!"
PHASE 4. Wolfsbane, which will poison a werewolf. I suppose it'll poison a child, too. Probably why it's #4.
Somehow, the results for his first three experiments are inconclusive. Wolfsbane seems to be the only option left, so the kids are forced to drink some. Epic prank! The wolfsbane is fake because ????, and the real PHASE 4 is simply waiting until midnight to see who turns into a werewolf. In a shocking twist, it's none other than Mr. and Mrs. Moon who transform into snarling beasts.
Epic prank! The Moons orchestrated a night of terror to delight the kids, which makes perfect sense because ????. The whole werewolf hunt was nothing more than a joke, and they threw on monster costumes for one final scare. No really. Cops eventually arrive to arrest the Moons. So far, it's the only part of this conclusion that makes sense. Turns out, Mr. Moon's son reported the kidnapping, and apparently kidnapping is a crime. That must be a new law.
An additional fold to this prank (and I swear I'm not making this up) was setting the clocks ahead a couple minutes. The kids' curfew was 11PM, so this doesn't benefit them at all. No, it only serves to tee up another twist. Two of the kids turn into werewolves. By complete accident, Mr. Moon nearly caught two monsters. The Moons have already been carted away, leaving the normal kids alone with two bloodthirsty beasts.
Only R.L. Stine, ladies and gentlemen.
THE VERDICT
This book was really good.
...If you love plot contrivances. Epic prank!
BEST QUOTE
"My cousin Benny is an animal," she said. "He's four years old, and he still bites."
Tristan reached into a cabinet for a bag of chocolate chip cookies. "Really? What do you do when he bites you?"
"I bite him back!" Rosa replied.
When I was a child, I knew a guy who (in dead seriousness) claimed he once bit his dog to assert dominence. This man owned a corgi.
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The Nightmare Room #9, Camp Nowhere | Review
Title: The Nightmare Room #9 – Camp Nowhere
Author: R.L. Stine
Cover Artist: Vince Natale
INTRODUCTION
30th US President Calvin Coolidge would stow pickles and munch on them around the White House. It’s been said that he was the first “President To Just Be Two Kids Stacked On Top Of Each Other” president. Everyone has their quirks. R.L. Stine’s quirk is writing good camp stories. Maybe we can set aside our doubts and let the nostalgia of summers-gone-by whisk us away. Go ahead. Set down your bags.
A summery breeze shoots past, warming the trees, carrying the sweet smell of sap along for the ride. Sounds of nature fill your head. Water laps at a lake’s edge, birds chitter away, a lonely bee bumbles along. A counselor jotted down your name when you arrived, but the ink hasn’t even dried yet. Camp. It’s a place for developing minds, new friendships, one or two “Ernest” films, and sometimes terror.* Hang on to your friendship bracelets, camper. The story is about to begin.
*Actual terror may vary.
STORY REVIEW
Everyone at Camp Hawkwood thinks Russel is a wimp. And they’re right. When he tries to disprove his wimpery it only makes things worse. He attempts to save a counselor’s dog, but (long story) he gets knocked off a cliff by snakes. Ouch, my scariest summercamp memory is when I ate gummy worms until I threw up.
All senior campers get an opportunity to canoe down Forbidden Falls. Adding to the terror, Counselor Ramos reveals that he won’t be able to canoe alongside the kids and will have to watch from the sidelines. It makes no difference to Russel. He already decided to be the bravest camper to traverse the Falls. This includes worrying himself so bad he gets nightmares.
When the big day comes, Forbidden Falls turns out to be a dud, not scary at all. Russel and his friends decide they’ll get revenge on Ramos for playing up the terror. They settle on a classic prank, the old “Make An Adult Think We’re Dead” routine.
The kids all flip their canoes to stage a wreck (hilarity!) and wait to see their counselor’s reaction. Things go haywire when the kids realize they’re lost. The entire area looks unfamiliar, and their footprints from earlier have vanished. Russel uses the footprints as a poetic metaphor for a higher power, but his peers are unreceptive.
Night falls. The kids hunker down as best they can. Russel and his friends Charlotte and Erin spot a light in the distance. Into the night with Charlotte Sometimes the group goes. They discover a place called Camp Evergreen. It’s odd for many reasons. The phones don’t work; the campers watch black and white movies; most disturbing, they don’t know who Michael Jordan is (that sneaker logo guy).
A camper named Drew warns Russel and his friends that they’re in grave danger. Unfortunately, “Drew the Schmoo” has an embarrassing nickname so he’s immediately discredited, especially as a political candidate. Russel begins to heed the warning once he discovers that the other campers have locked Drew in a shed, and making people angry is a universal sign of rightness. They don’t lock irrational people in sheds now do they?
The Hawkwood campers set Drew free and run until they’re caught by Camp Evergreen. The lead counselor explains that his camp is super cursed, and it does not get more sensitive to Native Americans beyond this point. Native spirits destroyed Camp Evergreen years ago for trespassing. These aren’t unreasonable destroyer spirits, though. They grant the campers two days a year to come back as ghosts so long as they’re respectful of the land and keep their existence a secret. The lead counselor tried to get three days a year, but Spirit Court disfavors mortal men.
Drew goes beserk and lights a cabin on fire. If the forrest burns, the ghosts will be destroyed and probably lose their deposit. Cooler heads prevail when Russel puts out the blaze. Promising to keep Camp Evergreen a secret, the living kids are allowed to leave. While sprinting into the woods, they discover the real (and terrifying) Forbidden Falls. I should clarify that “discover” is code for “fall headfirst into.”
Doom seems inevitable for the kids tumbling ungently down the stream until they’re lifted up by unseen hands. Up. Up into the air. A ghostly voice thanks Russel for stopping the fire, and the kids are set down at Camp Deusexmachina. Russel brags to every Hawkwood kid about how easy Forbidden Falls was.
THE VERDICT
Abrupt ending aside, this book executes its small(ish) concept well. It’s sensitive with the main character. Regrettably less sensitive with the mysticism. Credit where it’s due, Stine resisted his urge to name this book Camp Tipacanoe.
9th US President William Henry Harrison was nicknamed Old Tippecanoe. His presidency had an abrupt ending when he died after a month in office. Four years is a long time. Tasteless segue aside, I’ve been reviewing this series for nearly four years, and I’m only nine books in. I’m going through these numbers slower than Nevada goes through votes, which’d be topical if I wrote this back in November 2020. It’s not so dreary, though. Just keep going and see where it gets you. Harrison considered himself retired prior to his election, so being president for a month was a cherry on top.
BEST QUOTE(S)
“But what if it’s a UFO?” David asked. “What if aliens from another planet are secretly landing in the woods, and they zap anyone who disturbs them?”
“But they might have food!” Marty exclaimed.
“Yeah. Let’s check it out!” David said.
The camp spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
David shouted. “Remember what the counselors told us? About the snake caves?” [...]
“That’s just another camp legend,” Marty said.
Snake caves. Yet another thing made up by greeting card companies. Much like Boss’s Day or Saint Valentine.
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Ghosts of Fear Street, Parents from the 13th Dimension | Review
Title: Ghosts of Fear Street #27 – Parents from the 13th Dimension
Author: Katy Hall (as by R.L. Stine)
Cover Artist: Mark Garro
INTRODUCTION
Flipping a coin. Rolling a die. Drinking milk from the jug without doing a smell test. These are all games of chance. It was by pure chance that I decided to read this book, a simple whim, so this entry will be a quickie.
I was shocked by how Coraline-like this book was. I was even more shocked to realize this book predates Coraline by several years. Both books feature a young girl, unhappy with her current life, slipping into a seemingly perfect alternate world. Although (maybe the Pelosi lookalike on the cover tipped you off), Parents from the 13th Dimension takes a turn for the David Icke.
STORY REVIEW
Why does Sarah Watson think her life is horrible? Her brother is a geek. Her mother collects garbage. And (brace yourself for this last one) her father is a nurse. Sarah has daddy issues on par with Marge Simpson. She isn’t even charmed by his homemade clothing brand. Did I mention he’s a weaver?
Steve’s Weaves
Adorable. It goes to show that traditionally masculine hobbies (e.g. fishing, pumping iron, reading kid’s books, writing funny reviews online somewhat regularly) are totally optional.
Moping along Fear Street, Sarah finds a strange coin. One side has a queen, and the other side has a lizard. While you might assume it’s Australian, this tender comes from a different AU. When the coin is flipped and lands lizard-side-up, Sarah is whisked away to an alternate universe!
Weird at first, life in the 13th Dimension proves to be pretty cool. Sarah’s geeky brother is replaced by a confident new bro. Mr. and Mrs. Watson are replaced by conventional parents. The entire medical field is presumably replaced by something radical like skeet shooting. I’m spitballing here.
Sarah finally has everything she could ever want. She has a dog now. She even gets her own horse! Every girl’s dream! (We can add this book to the hallowed halls of Equine Media I’ve Needlessly Mentioned, seated alongside A Horse Called Wonder and Horse Sense and hopefully nothing else.) There is one peculiar detail about this world, though: Sarah is forbidden from entering one room in her home. According to Fake Dad, this room is under construction. Should Sarah accidentally step on a nail, it’d be very difficult to skeet shoot it out.
Feeling nostalgic, Sarah flips her coin and visits her original dimension. She learns that no time has passed, nobody missed her, and her father is still into weaving. Ultimately, she decides it’s okay to keep visiting the 13th Dimension. But even if weaving doesn’t exist in the alternate universe, an unmistakable sense of danger looms.
When she tries to investigate the locked room, Sarah is punished by Fake Dad, who takes her interdimensional coin away, trapping her in the 13th Dimension. Also, Fake Mom forces Sarah to eat huge amounts of food, alluding to an upcoming “feast.” Worst of all, no TV or skeet shooting for a week!
Sarah snaps. Using a paperclip, the girl picks her way into the mysterious room. She finds her coin, but she also finds 3 shriveled human-suits. Not to be confused with “suits for shriveled humans.” Although, the situation would be more fun if she stumbled into Jagger’s wardrobe. These empty suits would allow a creature to disguise itself as a person. (I swear, I’m not referencing Jagger.) About this time, Sarah realizes her sweet little parents are actually a couple of 8-foot-tall reptiles from the Protozoic Universe! This book turns into Fear and Loathing in the 13th Dimension when man-eating reptiles descend on Sarah.
If only Sarah hadn’t taken her real family for granted. If she hadn’t turned her nose up at her father’s interests, she could save herself now. Somehow. Maybe. I’m trying to connect this back to the moral. But no matter how I slice it, weaving seems like an objectively inferior form of self defense than skeet shooting. (Weaving around the monsters? Suddenly, that loom pun from earlier doesn't seem like such a stretch anymore, huh.)
The girl flips her magic coin at the last possible moment. She decides to take her new dog back to her original universe probably because the horse was too big to carry. She makes it home safe and sound, bringing “Sparky” along for the ride. In the end, she tries to rationalize what just happened, guessing that reptilians must enjoy playing with their food. She doesn’t even consider that scaring your food makes the meat go stringy.
Life goes back to normal, and Sarah learns a valuable lesson: spacetime is the scariest weave of all.
THE VERDICT
Not bad, but not much of anything. From the horror to the moral to the twist ending, it’s very mild.
You can tell Stine didn’t write this one. If he had, the dog would reveal a shocking lizard tongue right on the last page. And then Sarah’s whole family would turn into werwolves and eat the lizarddog or something I don’t know. Regardless, it could never achieve a scarier twist ending than Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ’72.
BEST QUOTE
This book introduced me to the phrase “dishwater blonde.” I amusingly misread this descriptor as “dishwasher blonde.” What a bizarre insult, I thought to myself. Excluding that one eggcorn, I was enamored by this tubular 90s lingo:
All I knew was that this dream world was one hundred percent cool!
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The Nightmare Kaboom
I’ve written the intro/outro for the next Nightmare Room review, but I’ve been struggling to write an equally good middle.
I intended to vanquish it in March. Now I’m hoping to nick it before the end of the Summer.
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Are You Afraid of the Dark?, The Tale of the Horrifying Hockey Team | Review
Title: Are You Afraid of the Dark? #23 – The Tale of the Horrifying Hockey Team
Author: K.S. Rodriguez
Cover Artist: Broeck Steadman
INTRODUCTION
If I had a nickel for every time I tried to review an Are You Afraid of the Dark? book, missed the deadline, and then delayed the review a full year, I would have two nickels. That isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice. At this point, it just wouldn't feel like the Holiday Season without it.
Spreading a review out over the course of a year isn't ideal. Apologies if I bungle any of the finer details, but I think I have the gist. It's about a hockey team. (Much like the Toronto Maple Leafs, for reference.) But it's an evil hockey team. (Much like the Philadelphia Flyers, for reference.)
STORY REVIEW
John is a sports nut, partaking in every athletic activity offered by his school. He's convinced that he will be the one to lead Hillville Middle School to sporting greatness! Basically, John is a flag-football fascist. Recently, the local pond has frozen over, which can only mean one thing. John and his men will be invading Russia soon. It's ice hockey season!
At the pond, John and his teammates are disappointed to learn that another team is already there. The members of this mystery team all spit and refuse to wear masks — which is a more topical commentary than I could ever hope to make. Like with most books of this caliber, there's quite a bit of running around in circles before the protagonist figures out what's up. (Six mysterious figures. Could it be two-thirds of the Supreme Court? Three-thirds of Wilco? Repeatus, etc.) According to John, they're garbed in old-timey clothing. The cover shows them with eerie green skin. You've likely already put together the twist. These must be the gentlemen printed on dollar bills.
The two teams agree to compete for ownership of the pond, and John's team subsequently wins. Everybody goes to their respective homes. (Except for maybe the ghoul team? Where do they go?) Readers get to meet John's younger brother, Marc. In a surprising twist for this genre, Marc isn't a brat. He's a sweet kid who looks up to John. Naturally, John sees this as a sign of weakness and resents his bro.
Brother John is sleeping when something wakes him up. A member of the Horrifying Hockey Team is standing outside his window! This creepy kid has grotesque scars across his face, and he threatens John. To consider this "overtime" would be a stretch, so John goes back to sleep.
The teams face off again the next day. My notes for this segment simply say: "PHANTOM PAINS." Brilliant. If memory serves, several of John's teammates fall victim to inexplicable pain. They postpone the finale until the next day. I guess these kids can't keep a deadline either.
Problems start cropping up, and the mystery team is presumably to blame. For example, John receives multiple threatening notes telling him to quit! (Maybe he's playing against Tonya Harding.) Also, while investigating the mystery team, one of John's teammates falls into a hole in the ground filled with maggots! In retrospect, the mystery team probably didn't cause this, and the kid was probably just being an idiot.
Eventually, John stumbles across a yearbook from 1949. Lo and behold, the old school hockey team looks identical to the mysterious team. Supposedly, this team was as bad at playing hockey as they were at not disappearing, because they (1) never won a game and (2) vanished without a trace. When it finally comes time for the big face-off, John throws the match. Right as the game ends, the ice begins cracking. Luckily, John's team makes it out unscathed, but they could have died had the game gone on a minute longer. After winning their first game and technically saving the lives of several athletes, the "horrifying" team disappears for good.
John goes home and starts making amends. He plays a videogame with his brother and even lets the youngster win for once. After all, you can't spell JABRONI without BRO. In the end, John learns a valuable lesson: competition will drown you in a big pond and make you a ghost.
THE VERDICT
Generally, this series seems to succeed in using simple morals and simple arcs to give each entry a sense a completeness, which is something that's absent in most Stine books.
My only serious complaint is that the story is stretched thin and probably would have worked better in a half-hour format. On the bright side, that means it's a lot closer to capturing the tone of the show than the previous book. Plus, the supernatural elements in this one actually connect to the plot! (Although, if a snowboarding bigfoot magically appeared in Chapter 9, I would not complain.)
I can't wait to write the next Annual Holiday Special in two years from now.
BEST QUOTE
John high-fived Kevin. "You are hot, man," he said triumphantly.
Talk about good sportsmanship!
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Rejected jokes from my review of "Shadow Girl"
When writing a review, I typically end up with twice as many gags as what I end up using. There were some jokes that I couldn't squeeze comfortably into my latest review, but I still think they're funny and worth sharing. (Make sure you read the main review first!)
Zingers:
Meanwhile, Selena notices some danger in town and decides to get involved. Selena’s suit gives her super-strength, allowing her to save a boy from a group of bat-wielding goons.
...She must've mistook them for the White Sox!
The kids find a cloak. There’s also a mask with cat-like eyeholes. [...] That night, Selena decides to confront Jada to ask if she’s
...been moonlighting as Sexy Cool Cat.
The book says Selena’s fate is to kill Jada.
...Maybe the Book of Fates is just having a bad mood swing.
Visual gags:
Selena summarized:
youtube
Jada summarized:
Selena & Jada summarized:
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The Nightmare Room #8, Shadow Girl | Review
Title: The Nightmare Room #8 – Shadow Girl
Author: R.L. Stine
Cover Artist: Tristan Elwell
INTRODUCTION
Today's book is all about heroes.
Fictitious ones. Not to be confused with real ones like doctors or nurses.
At least that means you won't have to read a review of Gray's Anatomy. Although, by the end of things, you may wish you'd done that instead. This story retroactively makes me regret being nice to the last book.
STORY REVIEW
Protagonist Selena Miles has been sent away for a month to live with her aunt, uncle, and detestable cousin, Jada. The following story takes place in Chicago, which is distinct from other Nightmare Room locations in that it has CRIME. The city's characterization is a bit glib, so I'll add in some slick Chicago references to pick up the slack.
One of Jada's friends is mugged, and this makes Selena angrier than Mrs. O'Leary's cow. Jada pontificates on how cool it would be to become a superhero and how awesome it would be if superheroes were real and also SUPERHERO SUPERHERO SUPERHERO. We can rule out "subtlety" from the list of powers Jada is hiding.
The school colors at Elmwood Middle School are red and blue, but Jada tricks Selena into wearing yellow and green on her first day. The entire school boos Selena, making her feel sad, almost as sad as the lyrics to "Casimir Pulaski Day." Things only get worse when Selena goes back to her aunt and uncle's house. She finds a note from her mother saying that the two will never meet again and that Selena's entire life is a lie. Seems like a perfectly reasonable time to freak, but Selena decides to wait things out because she's still hung up about accidentally dressing like a Green Bay Packer, I guess. Selena takes the alarming note to her aunt. No joke, Aunt Janet explains away the note by saying Selena's mother must have been "moody" when she wrote it. Seems like a helluva mood swing! Selena tries calling her mother about six times throughout the book. It'd make sense in real life, but it's pretty boring to read.
Meanwhile, all throughout this book, Jada has been sneaking out at night, presumably shadow girling around or something. Selena investigates and discovers that Jada has been using a secret room hidden behind a bookshelf. Since she doesn't have parents anymore, Selena is undoubtably preparing for a Narnia-type adventure. Before investigating further, Selena enlists the help of one of Jada's friends, Stan. (I would've expected Jada to be friends with Giant Steps or even Take Five, but it's nice to know she's friends with some hip-hop tracks.) The duo gains access to the secret room by pulling on a lever hidden amongst the books, proving that knowledge really is power. Even the book I'm reading right now is powerful. It can open doors when wedged like a doorstop.
The kids find a cloak. There's also a mask with cat-like eyeholes. Stan guesses that it might be a "burglar costume," severely misunderstanding what a cat burglar is. That night, Selena decides to confront Jada to ask if she's involved in any Eyes Wide Shut situations, but Jada is gone. Kidnapped, evidently. Jada calls Selena and tells our protagonist to don the secret suit and come to the rescue. In the most shocking twist yet, our protagonist takes to the Chicago streets in costume. Using Jada's instructions, Selena actually finds the location. That's pretty good for a child who put on a strange costume "because my cousin said so."
Now, this is where the plot begins to really turn into a supernova: (1) Jada wasn't actually kidnapped. (2) She's wearing her own supersuit. (3) She's the "Red Raven." (4) Aunt Janet has superpowers but is retired. (5) According to the Book of Fates, Selena's destiny is to become a superhero named Shadow Girl. (6) There is a "Book of Fates." (7) The book says Selena's fate is to kill Jada. What a coincidence! Apparently, the book I'm reading is trying to kill me, too. Suddenly, I realize the several chapters about phone calls weren't so bad.
Selena uses her newfound powers to fly away. Good thing Chicago isn't known for being too windy. The book never really explains why Jada is so excited to fight Selena and probably die. At least Selena acknowledges that fighting her cousin to the death might be an unnecessary danger. Meanwhile, Selena notices some danger in town and decides to get involved. Selena's suit gives her super-strength, allowing her to save a boy from a group of bat-wielding goons. It's just Chicago, y'all, where there's a nightly brawl! ...And all that jazz!
Jada (possibly sensing all that jazz) finds and confronts Selena. She accosts Selena for not showing more enthusiasm about their death battle. In fact, Jada feels jealous. Not about the whole "getting to live" thing. Jada is jealous that she doesn't get to be Shadow Girl. The two begin fighting. Selena rips off Jada's amulet, the source of her power, killing Red Raven. A character died?! Man, this is totally diff—
Oh but the death was just a metaphor.
"Red Raven" may be dead, but (much like the Sear's Tower) Jada changes her identity. Now, she gets to be Shadow Girl.
You feel cheated. I feel cheated. Selena doesn't feel cheated because she gets to go home! I can appreciate a character whose struggle is trying to escape a lame story. Unfortunately, when she arrives, she finds her mother's supersuit and realizes that her life won't be going back to normal.
THE VERDICT
Shriek Home Chicago probably would've been more palatable.
BEST QUOTE(S)
Violence makes me sick. But I wanted to run over there and punch her face until it was red and blue too!
Ah yes, I believe that's a Gandhi quote.
"It's your costume, Selena," Jada said. "It has always been here, waiting for you."
THIS IS MY SUIT! IT WAS MADE FOR ME! — Junji Stino.
He picked up the computer mouse. "Now, where do you think you attach this?"
The most complicated piece of computer hardware that Stine can name is the mouse.
I stepped into Mom’s room and hurried over to the bed. [...]
"You weren’t supposed to see that!" she cried. "I didn’t know you were coming home. I would have put it in its place."
My heart pounding, I picked it up. A red cape. A pair of silky red tights. A sparkly black mask with diamond-shaped eye holes.
"Mom? What is it?" I cried.
Mood swing! Mom's a stripper now.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
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The Nightmare Room #7, The Howler | Review
Title: The Nightmare Room #7 – The Howler
Author: R.L. Stine
Cover Artist: Vince Natale
INTRODUCTION
"A story of confines" or: "Apologies to the Bigfeet"
I first read The Howler about two months ago and've been dreading this review. Don’t get me wrong, though. The book isn’t bad. But apparently Stine decided to write a serious story. From the title, I was expecting something more Teen Wolf and less Lake Mungo. How does one then rectify this within the confines of a comedy blog?
That's what this blog is, right? A comedy blog? After all, I’m coming off the heels of my most comedically sound entry yet, The Tale of the Mogul Monster.
Structurally, that book overdelivered. (i.e. The protagonist has deep insecurities brought on by trauma; the plot forces him to overcome this trauma, bettering him as a person.) But a Jefferson Bible retooling of Mogul Monster could easily look like a Matt Christopher book. Meanwhile, the titular monster is totally superfluous at best. The book was clearly made within the confines of "ooky stories for kids," something I exaggerated towards the end of my review, post-ironically refusing to engage with a book that paired such mature themes with a snowboarding Bigfoot shaman.
Writing for a specific audience, under specific confines, is difficult for any author who's trying. But I suppose bending the rules and subverting expectations is an indispensable facet of art. Sometimes, it works out. Sometimes, it doesn't. At risk of sounding corny, such is the nature of the beast.
And on the topic of beasties, it's time to stop pontificating and get to the story.
The Story
Ian is the brother Spencer never had. Sure Spencer has an older brother, but that guy's a jerk. The opening few chapters are told in flashback, heavily foreshadowing Ian's demise. Meanwhile, Spencer's memories are all colored by a looming trauma and survivor's guilt.
Thinking about it now makes me feel really sad.
Ian, Spencer, and two others go ice skating on a lake. After being subjected to a game of keep-away, the ice gives out beneath Ian. The protagonist reaches out to save his friend, but their hands slip. Both boys end up falling below the ice, and Ian fatally drowns. Spencer's comments on the afterlife may be the closest R.L. Stine has come to making me cry since The Ghost Next Door:
Does he know that I tried? Does he know that I risked my life for him?
Does he forgive me for not pulling him out?
From this point on, the book starts to follow more typical Stine fare.
[✓] Unnecessarily cruel sibling: Nick.
[✓] Random annoying kid: Scott.
[✓] Best friend of opposite sex: Vanessa.
[✓] Mysterious shop: Little House of Spirits (ghost supplies; not liquor).
[ ] Werewolves: Surprisingly none.
Inevitably, time passes, and Spencer becomes worryingly obsessed with the idea of contacting a ghost. Ian's ghost. Spencer hoards ghost hunting equipment, but he always ends up buying gag gifts by mistake. What does he expect? But one day he finds a gadget that actually seems to work: the Howler. It can channel the voices of ghosts, many of which supposedly howl in pain. While there are plenty of ghostly fakeouts (i.e. Scott, then a cat, then Nick), Spencer successfully overhears the wail of a ghost crying for help. And since kids see ghosts sometimes, Spencer manages to catch a glimpse of a spirit moving around outside.
Someone decided this book "needed" more zany shenanigans, so Spencer pranks Scott using the Howler. Perfect revenge since Scott is always bragging about how haunted his house is. Exemplifying Stine's general moon logic, this prank somehow unleashes a flurry of ghosts from a nearby closet.
Still a better prank than a fake Bigfoot foot.
Suspiciously, the ghosts disappear, and Spencer returns home. Things seem to be going well when he stands up to his brother, but Spencer soon finds himself terrorized by specters. Evidently, he didn't beware of hitchhiking ghosts. When Spencer tries investigating, it backfires and culminates in evil spirits chasing him out to the frozen lake where the book started. Spencer is then confronted by the ghost of Ian, who's apparently been hanging around, trying to thank Spencer for risking his life.
Ian's ghost skates around the evil spirits at lightening speed, searing a hole in the ice, causing the evil ghosts to fall through and disappear. Don't even get me started with the wonky logic of ghosts falling. The book concludes with Nick demanding that Spencer fork over the Howler. Nick doesn't know how dangerous the item is, and Spencer doesn't fight back when he takes it. Sweet revenge.
The Verdict
The book seems to hinge on the motif of letting go. Ironically, Spencer's trauma is brought about when he accidentally slips and literally lets go. For most of the remaining book, Spencer is unable to let go of anything; he obsesses over Ian, pranks Scott, and bickers with Nick, none of which seems to positively impact his life. Ultimately, the twist ending reinforces the theme, as Nick's greed punishes itself, and Spencer doesn't need to do anything. Overanalyzing? Absolutely.
In the most shocking twist of all, this book shows something genuine. One could even say, "Man, this is totally different from the Goosebumps books." But like in a positive way.
Best quote
"Yes!" I lifted the phone—and punched in 911.
I pushed the emergency number, then pressed the phone to my ear and listened.
Silence for a second or two. And then…
"Hahahahahaha!" A high, shrill cackling laugh, tinny and distant-sounding.
...Flavor Flav?
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Are You Afraid of the Dark?, The Tale of the Mogul Monster | Review
Title: Are You Afraid of the Dark? #22 – The Tale of the Mogul Monster
Author: David Cody Weiss and Bobbi J.G. Weiss
Cover Artist: Broeck Steadman
INTRODUCTION
Direct your attention to the cover of this book. How could you go wrong with peak-nineties artwork like that? We must be dealing with Mitchell Goosen levels of cool, right?
No. This book is one big Mitchell Goose-egg. And I'm not joking when I say: Mogul Monster almost killed this blog when I tried to review it last year.
I don't even think most people are aware that Are You Afraid of the Dark? had a book series. It would seem there's a good reason for that.
STORY REVIEW
The prose in this book is horrible. Bordering on unreadable. Snowbordering.
Everything was black on white. No, that wasn't right. Everything was white but there was no light to see by.
Those are the first sentences of the first chapter.
Neon chaos exploded the blackness when gravity finally caught him.
Still not even past the first page of this story.
Dmitri Flintoff has been a trust fund kid since his parents died, and he likes using his wealth to take himself and his friends snowboarding. This leads to Dmitri and his butler squabbling about trust management for multiple pages. You see, this book conflates trust funds with literally anything a child would find interesting. We're dealing with a book that belongs in the hallowed halls of Children's Media Based Around Trusts, seated alongside Horse Sense and probably nothing else.
Dmitri idolizes Brushy Kelly, a "famous" snowboarder who went missing on Mount Tempest. If only Kelly were still alive but no way could that happen because he must be dead because everyone says so.
Dmitri visits a museum near Mount Tempest where he is scared by a stationary Bigfoot statue. For some inexplicable reason, this causes him to remember how lonely he secretly feels. When his friends laugh at him for being scared by a statue, he worries they've somehow discovered his secret. A topic handled with all the elegance of an avalanche. Dmitri then presses a button and listens to the history of Bigfoot, which goes on for one-and-a-half pages. No dialogue. Just italicized text pontificating about Bigfoot. For one-and-a-half pages. By this point, I was fully convinced I'd accidentally started reading The Tale of the So Dull Monster.
The friends go "shredding." The book spends 200 words describing what a mogul is. A firm hump of snow. Here I was thinking the real Mogul Monster was greed. Since this book goes ninety pages without a single monster, I assumed there must be a metaphor or allegory or some other attempt at lampshading our disappointment. The Tale of the Mogul Monster at the End of This Book.
The descriptions of snowboarding feel like waterboarding, and the fourth chapter is a Johnny Tsunami of a dose. Dmitri's friends scare him with a fake Bigfoot foot, but Dmitri scares them by threatening to make them pay for their own dinners. The Tale of the Dutch Monster. Chapter five involves Dmitri and his friends gearing up to conquer Tempest Ridge, the toughest slope on the mountain. This chapter also includes an entire paragraph describing a fictitious brand of helicopter. Seventy-three words. I counted them because I'm so interested.
Despite its very really truly impressive specs, the helicopter doesn't take the boys all the way up the mountain. They have to hike through a forbidden area. Midway through, Dmitri decides the weather conditions aren't quite right, so they start to head back. ಠ_ಠ The group gets knocked a ways down the mountain by an avalanche. And somehow it's still boring. One of the friends, Jake, leaves without hesitation, a meta-allusion to what the audience wants to do by this point in the book. Dmitri is stranded with one friend, Rahm, who has an injured left arhm.
The boys fall into a cave, and they're surprised to find stone tools and Brushy Kelly's signature board. It's almost as if Kelly is still alive but that can't be right because he's dead because everyone says so. Jake returns to see the accident, a meta-allusion to me. Jake becomes very indignant when Dmitri won't tell him which way the road is because Jake wants to abandon Dmitri. So Jake teaches Dmitri a lesson by abandoning him. You follow?
That night, Dmitri escapes the cave, hoping to bring back help for Rahm and probably also figure out where the shadows on the cave wall come from. While traversing the mountain, Dmitri finds Brushy Kelly, who has been pulling an Elvis and hiding from the public. Color me surprised! Although, the famous snowboarder is very hairy. One might even say bushy. If only I could think of a pun to go here.
Now prepare yourself. Brushy Kelly calls on his Sasquatch friend to save Rahm. Apparently, Sasquatches are real, and they can communicate using "hand jive."
Hand jive. Not sign language. Hand jive.
The Squatch makes a magical potion and uses it to heal Rahm. This is something that happens in the book. It's like experiencing the Dyatlov Pass incident. Kelly teaches Dmitri how to love himself, and I don't care one bit because I'm far too distracted by previous events. The chapter ends with Dmitri snowboarding alongside Sasquatch. If this book had just been chapter nine, it might've been a beautiful thing. The book blithers for another two chapters, but who cares.
GLOSSARY OF VERY HIP LINGO
The following is some of the advanced shredder lingo from this book along with definitions. Only rad kids allowed beyond this point:
Rad shredder: Good snowboarder.
Board rats: A slur against rad shredders.
"He gave me jive:" "He talked back."
"Lame ski bums:" "How do you do, fellow kids?"
A stupe: Stupid.
Knuckle-grabber: Is this a typo?
Jungle cammies in mottled tans and greens: What?
Hand jive: Hand jive.
THE VERDICT
Seasonal Affective Disappointment
BEST QUOTE
Chalk up another prejudice against snowboarders, Dmitri thought.
Shredders, rise up!
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Thoroughbred #1, A Horse Called Wonder | Review?
INTRODUCTION
Hello, friends.
The Colt of Neighstalgia is back with another horse-book review because that's what this blog has always been about don't you remember?
I'm surprised it's taken me this long to get to Thoroughbred. After all, the series belongs in the hallowed halls of fine equanimous literature alongside Black Beauty and Detective Pony. So it’s high time I buck up and jump this hurdle. Too many puns? Ah chute. I'll try to cut down on yokes.
THE STORY
There once was a girl from Kentucky
But her fam'ly farm wasn't so lucky
It happened real' quick
The horses got sick
Now the whole situation is sucky
Ashleigh's family is forced to take up work in Townsend Acres due to unforeseeable hardships. Little brother Rory is too young to understand the problem, and older sister Caroline has lost her happy glow. The family works for Clay Townsend now. And he's a cold man. And his son is a jerk. Named Brad.
Thankfully, Ash meets a few nice people. Trainer April is nice. Peer Linda is nice. Holly the pregnant horse is... Not a person but nice nonetheless. Although, Ashleigh has a tough time adjusting to a new horse. She's still lamenting the rise, fall, and auctioning off of her previous horsey, Stardust.
Ash takes up grooming Holly, and the mare eventually gives birth to a runty foal. Ash seems to dig this pony and unofficially names it Wonder. While Ashleigh refuses to abandon the filly, the Townsends aren't so caring. Brad shares a bit of juicy gossip with Ash: Wonder will probably be put up for auction since she's so small. Ash tries to ignore this, but nothing can stop the schmooze.
For a time, Wonder gets sick. Luckily, Ashleigh receives help from Charlie, a shunty old man who used to be a head trainer. Meanwhile, Ashleigh begins training on A Horse Called Dominator, a thoroughbred with an inexplicably intense name. Ashleigh dreams of some day riding Wonder as a jockey. Brad seems to think the pair would have a better chance auditioning as the Fourth Dorksman of the Apocalypse.
School starts up again, and Ash has A Report Card Blunder. Now her parents won't let her spend time with Wonder until she can get a C+ in math.
Things start heating up by December. Metaphorically, since this isn't Australia. Mr. Townsend says that whether or not Wonder goes to auction will be decided in a month. Rather than actually getting a C+ in math, Ash just asks her parents to lift the training embargo. They cave. No surprises here. Ashleigh commits to walking Wonder ever day but contracts A Hoarse Cold Thereunder.
When all hope seems lost, Linda and Ashleigh's mother take up training Wonder. The horse becomes fit as a fiddle by the time Townsend comes to judge. Townsend Acts in Ashleigh's favor, saying the horse can stay another year.
THE VERDICT
What am I supposed to do now? Review the quality of writing in a horse-book?
This blog entry has been... Weird. I have no clue why I chose this book. And I don't think I'll do any more in the series. I just need to shake things up. If you have any opinions of this post, let me know.
Will I review The Howler anytime soon? That's a horse of a different color...
BEST QUOTE
She's still a runt. You know, my father's not even giving her an official name yet. When the registration papers are filed, she'll be 'Filly—Townsend Pride/Townsend Holly.'
Catchy.
#horses#ponies#books#comedy#thoroughbred#do the tags even matter?#review#paz major#the ghost of nostalgia
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Oh wow, I thought you'd never return lol. Which is good, I was excited when I remembered the next one would be They Call Me Creature. That's one of the highlights of the series for me just for being more ambitious and somewhat complicated, with a fair bit going on in the story. And being surprisingly depressing, at least for one of these books. And that slightly depressing aura will linger on in the next two books, because I guess Stine was in a bad mood for awhile.
Hehe, I feel like I’m not even allowed to “retire” until I get a few classics under my belt. Eventually, I’ll write a review I’m completely happy with. Then, who knows. I may just keel over and die on the spot.
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The Nightmare Room #6, They Call Me Creature | Review
Title: The Nightmare Room #6 – They Call Me Creature
Author: R.L. Stine
Cover Artist: Vince Natale
Introduction
From my previous review:
Speaking of bittersweet, my fondness for this book deprives me of an excuse to postpone reviews for the series.
That was about six months ago. The saddest part is, I don't even have a good excuse for leaving. Maybe I lost morale after blowing the deadline on a (now dead) holiday-special. Maybe I tried to write a couple of reviews, but ended up shelving them. Maybe I was simply disappointed with the quality of my own writing and wanted to take a break.
Or maybe I took a six month break in honor of this being the sixth book in the series! Totally intentional.
I don't know how many more reviews I have in me. All I know is that I got my wisdom teeth pulled a few days ago, and the unending pain has put me in a susceptible-enough headspace to warrant returning to this series.
Story review
Laura's dad lives in a dream, and—even though she think he's the best—he seems so far from everything. One day, Laura is tending to an injured crow. Her father, much like Mike Love, is unconcerned with the crow cries. This is especially odd because he's supposed to be a veterinarian. After helping the crow, Laura and her friend Ellen prepare to head out into The Woods.
Ellen reminds me of a delicate, graceful doe.
If she’s a doe, I’m a fox.
The Fox.
And her own pond she was headed to quick. You see, Laura is working on a science project involving the fLaura and the fauna around Luker Pond, a small body of water within the local woods. Sadly, the duo's escapade is interrupted by a typhoon of birds erupting from the woods. Laura's dad sprints out to his secret shed/laboratory, and the birds fly away, nothing suspicious here. The girls leave, this time accompanied by Laura's pet dog. While walking, the canine quickly uncovers a beastly finger in a pile of leaves.
Ellen, remembering a tennis game she promised to play in, decides to skedaddle. Soon thereafter, Laura bumps into her crush, Joe. Laura want's to invite the boy to a party for Ellen's birthday, but the two children are swarmed by an armada of bats. After having his face bloodied by the creatures, Joe gets skittish and slinks off. Laura—far too unfazed by the severed finger that her dog found in the woods—goes home and starts making dinner. The book spends multiple lines describing the process of gutting a chicken, but it doesn't bother to mention Laura washing her hands after holding a severed finger that her dog found in the woods.
Noticing her father still hasn't returned, Finger Girl ventures out to his inconspicuous lab/shack. (Lab Shack, baby!) She opens the door and witnesses her father sticking a small, pink, squealing creature with a hypodermic needle. Laura's father yells at her. The girl leaves in total shock, wondering, "Why did he yell at me like that?" (This child has a very strange barometer for what is and is not weird.)
After a painfully awkward dinner, Finger Girl and Needle Man bond over a game of familial Scrabble. When Laura tries to pry for answers, her father threatens to send her away to live with her mother. Laura is only allowed to stay once she promises to stop asking questions about her father's research, never go near the shed, and alternate the dinner music because her father is tired of Lawrence Welk.
"Promise," I said.
But there was no way I was keeping that promise!
Laura will make an excellent politician, someday.
The book spends a tedious amount of time setting up threads and having the protagonist go in circles. I'll do us both a favor and just bullet-point the strange phenomena:
Ghostly lights in woods.
Laura visits the animal hospital and learns her father was let go.
Laura is almost attacked by her own dog, but Joe saves her.
Men in woods with rifles, hinting they caught something.
Punctual blues.
Things really hit the fan when our protagonist finds a piglet-like creature in the woods, and it glomps onto her throat and starts leaching her blood. Laura's father saves her and takes her to a doctor, but he keeps trying to convince the girl that it was merely a chipmunk or maybe just a malicious gust of wind. Next, Laura's father announces that he'll be sending her away soon. While lamenting this decision, Laura hears a wail outside. Her dog is being attacked! The following text is the actual wording used to describe the dog's leg:
The fur had been ripped away. Chunks of flesh had been torn off. Blood flowed onto the grass. I could see veins pulsing in the chewed-up mess, and a white bone poked out.
I'm sure that when Stine wrote this dialogue, he thought to himself, "Man, this is totally different from the Goosebumps books... The teens are gonna love this!" In actuality, no.
The dog is taken to a hospital, and Laura goes home. Joe stops by, and Laura finally invites him to the party for Ellen. Joe agrees to attend but leaves hurriedly. Laura decides she'll secretly follow Joe to find out where he lives (and maybe root through his closet or something if she has extra time). Instead, she ends up lost in the woods. Laura sees strange lights—which turn out to be headlights. Her father is driving around in a truck, and he demands that Laura ride back with him. More strange phenomena ensues:
Laura finds dead deer in woods, suspects her father was involved. (Elon Musk laughs.)
Ellen's party happens. Joe shows up for, like, a minute. Laura doesn't get to see him because she's busy looking at a dead deer.
The former employer of Laura's father, a woman named Dr. Carpenter, says he had been experimenting with genetics and fired for suspicious activity.
Loud howls from woods. Laura explores.
Finds large truck in woods. Sees pig-like monster trapped in trailer. Possibly man-pig hybrid. (Al Gore laughs.)
Sadly, the men with rifles from earlier see Laura and give chase. In order to escape, our protagonist hides inside of a dead deer. Our protagonist hides inside of a dead deer. Is this a fever dream?
I grabbed a flap of the deer’s skin. I tugged it up. It felt heavy and wet in my hands. [...]
I pulled the skin flap up as far as it would go.
And I climbed inside the deer.
Laura overhears the goons talking to her father and figures they're in cahoots. She makes a slick getaway, pun intended. I half expected our protagonist to immediately go home and make some more chicken, but she doesn't get the chance. She bumps into Joe. Apparently, he doesn't care that she's (presumably) covered in deer remains. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he's a man-pig-monster in a wig!
Yup, that's the big twist. The love interest was secretly a pig-man. Joe Bob Piggs. Cattle in the Woods. Boy is a pig-man. / Girl in a carcass. / Goo goo g'joob. This book has broken me.
Joe begins expositing. He was the one scaring all the animals. He's a monster that needs to feed. Laura seeks out Dr. Carpenter at the animal hospital where her father used to work. There, our protagonist discovers a plethora of animal hybrids in cages. Dr. Carpenter returns and says she wants to experiment on Laura. Joe appears and helps detain the girl. Turns out, Dr. Carpenter had been the one trying to create hybrids, and Laura's father had been trying to stop the program, looking for cures. Thankfully, Laura's dad bursts in and starts destroying stuff. Dr. Carpenter gets electrocuted by her own equipment before, ultimately, running off with Joe.
Despite the fact that there might be a wild pig-man terrorizing the nearby woods, it's decided that Laura doesn't have to move away. Everything seems totally normal... Up until, one night, Laura sees something fluttering by her window. The creature is a hybrid... A mix between a bat and Dr. Carpenter...
The Verdict
This book is almost the polar opposite of the first five books in the series. Rather than having a book filled with rinse-and-repeat storytelling, this one bombards the reader with an endless stream of weird occurrences that make very little sense—until the end. If I had to compliment They Call Me Creature, I'd say it's ambitious. But the story just seemed to drag on forever. Plus, the multiple descriptions of animal gore were tasteless and largely unnecessary. Worst of all, we never get to find out if Laura's dog heals up.
Speaking of abandoned threads, this blog's update schedule. I don't plan on ditching this blog any time soon, but I'm officially abandoning my schedule. I'll post whenever I muster up the energy to make something that I can be satisfied with.
Best Quote
The phone rang. I jerked my hand out of the chicken and tried to wipe the guts off on a dish towel.
Then I picked up the phone.
Take me down to the salmonella city.
#The Nightmare Room#Goosebumps#Nostalgia#Horror#Books#Stine#Literature#Review#PazReviews#The Ghost of Nostalgia
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The Nightmare Room #5, Dear Diary, I'm Dead | Review
Title: The Nightmare Room #5 – Dear Diary, I'm Dead
Author: R.L. Stine
Cover Artist: Vince Natale
Introduction
Dear diary,
I hate you on a conceptual level... You pocket-sized confessional, you. It's nothing personal. It's just that, why would I want a book of my darkest secrets?
Sadly, I don't have much of a choice in this matter. I have to write in you. I have a schedule to upkeep. What's that? Who's going to enforce the schedule? Well... Uh...
I'm getting sidetracked. I'm already a day late with this review. Thankfully, I found this old diary. Now I have a place to write. And that's good, because I have a lot to write about. In my last review, I made a declaration. If Dear Diary, I'm Dead ends up being exactly like the previous three books in the series, I would have to take a break from The Nightmare Room. (It's a true “will he, won't he” story for the ages.) It's time to get down to business... And by that I mean reading an R.L. Stine book...
Story review
Alex Smith's English teacher offers extra-credit to any student who keeps a daily diary and turns it in at the end of the year. (Hardly seems worth it.) He even takes up a bet with Tessa, a girl who Alex thinks is snooty; Alex bets the girl $100 that his diary will be more interesting.
Alex gets home, and his mother surprises him with a new desk. Every boy's dream. The desk isn't even new. When Alex peaks inside a drawer, he finds a diary. Without really questioning how impossibly convenient the situation is, he begins writing. He starts by describing himself and people he knows. He begrudgingly describes Tessa as cute. Uh-oh. You know what this means, right? Alex sees that there actually is some writing in the diary. The entry is in his handwriting, and it details a surprise test he will receive the following day. Alex doesn't understand how such a message appeared, but he studies nonetheless. The next day, Alex ends up being the only kid to do well on the surprise test.
Some time passes, and Tessa asks to join Alex's band. Uh-oh. You know what this means, right? You see, Alex is in a band comprised of three guitarists—and only three guitarists. “I play guitar. We all play guitar.” Alex says he'll have to talk to the other guys in the band first.
At some point in the night, our protagonist dreams that his diary is updated to feature the word, “DEAD.” Upon waking in the morning, Alex begins to worry about evil-dream-diaries and their potential impact on his life. (Paz begins to worry that Stine missed his chance to name-drop the title.) Our hero checks up on his magic diary. A new entry suggests that—if Alex let's Tessa into his band—her uncle will give the group a spot to practice. He can even hook them up with a gig. Soon, Tessa calls Alex. Again, she inquires about getting in the band. Without consulting his friends, Alex Lennon lets Tessa into the band. Shortly therafter, Tessa invites Alex over to her house, but he says no. (It's a true “will he, won't he” story for the ages.) Our boy has studying to do! Tessa informs Alex that their test will probably be canceled because their teacher is sick... But Alex's journal tells him otherwise. Our lowtagonist decides that he's perfectly okay with not letting Tessa in on his secret—ensuring her failure.
Oh, but Alex learns that his journal was updated, and it now says he'll get hit by a car. Instant karma!
The next day, Tessa flunks her test. Plus, she turns out to be a terrible singer. And Alex is pretty disappointed about the latter of these two things. Our hero walks home alone. A kid named Billy declares that his cat has run away, and Alex decides to help. Billy won't be a hero or a fool with his life... But Alex has no reservations about being a fool, so he jumps out into the road. (I guess he's more of a doer than a thinker.) Luckily, he saves the cat. Unluckily, he's hit by a car. Semi-luckily, it didn't hit him very hard. Alex's parents take him to a doctor, but he spends the entire time thinking about what the diary will say next. When he eventually reinspects the diary, it features a long message...
But what is Tessa going to think when she hears the crazy thing I did after school?
Uh-oh.
You should have heard the screams. Everyone was in a total panic.
Uhohuhohuhohuhohuhoh.
I don’t even remember climbing up onto the roof of the school building. [...] I flapped my arms like a bird and jumped off the roof.
Oh. Uh.
The next day at school, everyone is outside for a youth sporting event. Unexpectedly, Billy's cap gets swept up onto the school's roof by a malicious gust of wind. After seeing how upset the boy is, Alex tells Billy to keep his pretty head low and offers to rescue the cap. Our hero goes up some stairs and nabs the hat, but is ultimately knocked off the roof by a malicious gust of wind. I guess they're everywhere this time of year. Thankfully, he's saved by a teacher—who conveniently has the strength and agility to catch a tween falling from the sky.
Tessa goes to Alex's house and admits that she's been oogling—err, I mean observing—Alex. She asks to look into his diary, but Alex becomes defensive. He accuses her of spying, but Tessa says that she's concerned about him. She even hints that she thinks of him as a friend. But our slowtagonist hesitates to call her a friend, and deprives her of her meager joy. Worse still, the diary predicts Alex will wind up driving a school bus the next day. Alex (likely recalling the movie Speed) decides that he isn't cut out to be a bus driver, and he will do everything in his power to not get behind the wheel.
Woopsy-daisy. Alex hijacks a bus full of kids. It was hardly his fault. He was practically in a trance. He doesn't even have an excuse to tell the cops. Later in the day, Tessa steals the diary from Alex. She begins bogarting the book's clairvoyance, so Alex steals it back the next day. When he finds it, the book has been updated with the word, “DEAD.” Because Tessa stole the book, Alex reasons that she'll be the one in danger. Our hero commits to saving Tessa, but he doesn't know how. Like I said, he's a doer. Not much of a thinker.
A storm rages outside, but Alex tracks down Tessa, who's preparing to practice her singing a bit. Alex suspects that the lighting outside might strike the house, causing Tessa to be electrocuted if she's holding any wires. Alex grabs Tessa's mic, allowing himself to be zapped by a bolt of lightning.
Here lies Alex A. Doer
Not much of a thinker.
I'm just kidding. Not about the lighting, though. That hits him.
Suddenly, Alex is in his room. His mother is presenting his new desk. He finds a diary inside, and it tells him about a surprise test that he will have the following day. He wonders how it can know the future—as if it's already happened.
What's going on?
In this segment, I'll attempt to decipher the ending... Just to get it all out, what's in my head.
One thing we know for sure: Alex is in a time warp. I've heard some people say he may have been dreaming, but no; when he opens his eyes in the last chapter, he's standing up, not lying down.
It's never made clear why Alex jumps back in time. Perhaps he died, and he's now doomed to forever repeat his last few days. Man, this is totally different from the Goosebumps books. Although, that theory doesn't explain the diary. He wouldn't have died if the diary had never existed, right? Maybe—because the diary's prediction didn't come true—Alex unintentionally “broke the fabric of truth and reality!”
By this point, I'm sure I've put more thought the twist than the author. I haven't been this confused since Donnie Darko.
The verdict
Okay, okay, this book isn't perfect. The plot arc almost falls into the category of, “bad things continue to happen.” Although, unlike the previous three Nightmare Room books, this one does a better job of balancing good and bad events. Plus, the characters aren't painfully boring and/or horribly unlikable. The Alex-Tessa subplot gave the story the semblance of a foundation; their arc followed a very clear progression, allowing the rest of the story to feel like it's moving forward. Sure, the subplot is sappy, but—like an intoxicating palm wine—it'll get you hooked.
The ending is esoteric and botched. Which is sad, because it's the only thing preventing me from loving the book. I suppose the narrator's ultimate sacrifice is bittersweet. It certainly completes his arc with Tessa.
Speaking of bittersweet, my fondness for this book deprives me of an excuse to postpone reviews for the series. Maybe it's an almost-Christmas miracle.
This review diary entry has gone on long enough. Happy holidays. Try not to get knocked over by any malicious gusts of wind.
Best quote
“You should go on a diet if you’re going to jump off buildings.”
#Stine#The Nightmare Room#Goosebumps#Nostalgia#Horror#Books#Literature#Review#PazReviews#The Ghost of Nostalgia
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