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spaceskam · 2 years

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you said you loved me (or were you just being kind?)

ao3

Nothing lasts forever.

Zheng Zeshou's chest had never felt so tight in his life. No amount of crying, no amount of screaming, no amount of anything was helping it. He felt like was dying, suffocating on his own misery. Self-inflicted misery, no less.

His entire life, he knew every romance ended in tragedy. You either breakup or one of you dies. There were no other options and he had never wanted any of it. He knew his father wanted him to marry and have kids and do all these things that sounded like he wanted his only son to be miserable and alone in the end. It was easier, preferred even, to just stay next to Fu Ligong and tease him until the end of time.

But then Fu Ligong had convinced him that something more wouldn't be bad. That he could have all his deeply repressed desires about his best friend without repercussion. It didn't have to be a bad thing. It didn't have to be something to ignore and stuff down. Fu Ligong was safe, permanent, forever. Fu Ligong hadn't left his side for well over a decade and he had no intention to go anywhere–especially if they were together. Because that together meant Fu Ligong wasn't hurting and Zheng Zeshou definitely didn't want him hurting when there was something he could. Not only could, but wanted. He just had to get past his own hesitation.

But that was a lie. Forever was a lie, no matter the form, and things weren't the same. He was alone and he was hurting, worse than he even thought was possible.

He'd seen people hurting over breakups so many times, but he had a new appreciation for their strength because this was awful and miserable and suffocating and he still didn't know why or what he did.

Breathing was a hard task, harder when Fu Ligong gave him a curt smile and nod when he walked into work and harder when he walked past him to a desk that still had a picture of the two of them celebrating finally finishing law school. Because they were friends. Best of friends. Friends who knew intimate the way each other's mouth tasted and the way the kissed. Best friends who knew how the other slept and their shampoo brand and the way they liked their eggs in the morning. Best friends who had cuddled half naked with and knew how it felt to have a good morning hard-on pressed against his thigh without embarrassment.

Best fucking friends.

"Hey, you okay?" Jiahao asked, patting him on the shoulder. Zheng Zeshou gasped in a breath a little too hard as he was shook back into reality and he felt a tear roll down his cheek. He quickly wiped it away, but Jiahao's concern seemed to deepen. "You don't look alright…"

"I'm fine," he said. It was probably the biggest lie he'd spoken in his entire life.

He lost his best friend and the person he loved. His mother was dead and could never redeem herself. His dad would never look at him the same; he would never look at his dad the same. And he would be a good son, a good lawyer, a good brother because maybe there was a reason why he should've just done what was expected of him rather than what felt good.

Fu Ligong felt good.

"I'll be back," Zheng Zeshou said, pushing himself up and making a bee-line for the bathroom.

He leaned against the sink, squeezing until his knuckles turned right. Every time he'd ever felt bad before in his life, anytime he needed someone, he had Fu Ligong. Every time he was sad, he could just show up at his door and he wouldn't be turned away. He was never turned away. And now he wasn't an option.

Maybe he should've invested more time into making other friends.

"Zeshou?" Zheng Zeshou held his breath, hoping that if he didn't move, Fu Ligong wouldn't see him. "Are you alright?"

It was almost funny that he was asking that. Nothing about his life was alright. And he still couldn't really pinpoint what he did wrong other than just be. Love and be loved and have opinions on the matter, right? That was his atrocity and this was his punishment, and if it wasn't, why wouldn't anyone tell him?

"I want to be alone," Zheng Zeshou said after it became clear Fu Ligong wasn't leaving. He didn't seem to have that hesitation when he was bringing back his things or when he tore his heart out. Even now, his thoughts were nothing but we're breaking up and your mom passed and thank you for making this choice.

"I don't know if you should be," Fu Ligong said as the bathroom door closed.

"Since when?" Zheng Zeshou asked, "You've never felt that way before."

"Zheng Zeshou–"

"Please leave," he said, "I'm trying to respect you, but if you don't leave, I can't promise I'm going to."

There was silence, a long stretch of time, and Fu Ligong never left.

"Leave it to you to choose right now to be stubborn," Zheng Zeshou said. He just wanted to be alone to wallow and ache and struggle to breathe properly.

"Have you slept?" Fu Ligong said with far too much audacity. Zheng Zeshou actually laughed this time, lifting his head and looking at his supposed best friend in the mirror. The one who lied to him about forever.

"Are you serious right now? I said leave me alone," he said, "I don't want to be alone with you."

And again, silence, but he never left. Just that little look of pity on his face.

"Why are you doing this to me?" he asked, too tired to yell or scream or make a scene.

"Zheng Zeshou," Fu Ligong said, but he didn't find any words after that. He kept that pitiful look and clenched and unclenched his fists over and over before wiping his palms on his pants.

Zheng Zeshou took a shaky breath as his eyes filled with tears again, his bottom lip quivering. He felt like a child. Stupid, reckless, emotional.

"I'm still your friend. I'm still here for you," Fu Ligong said. Why didn't he know that that made it hurt worse?

"Why are you doing this to me?" Zheng Zeshou asked again, his voice cracking, "Please just go."

Zheng Zeshou knew Fu Ligong better than anyone in the entire world. He knew what time he got up in the morning and when he went to bed. He knew his favorite drink and his favorite food. He knew the way his eyes lit up when he gave him flowers. He knew the way the nape of his neck smelled when he was sweaty. He knew the way he breathed and what few things on the planet made him laugh and what his skin felt like when they kissed. So why didn't he know what the hell he was thinking now?

"Fine," Zheng Zeshou said, turning to face him completely. It was hard and tears were already starting to fall, but if his supposed best friend was planning on torturing him he might as well get something out of it. "If you won't leave, tell me why. You haven't given me a reason. What did I do that made you change your mind?"

Fu Ligong took a shaky breath of his own and his eyes seem to drift away from Zheng Zeshou. He was nervous.

"Sometimes… people fall out of love."

"Bullshit!" he scoffed, "Because I would've noticed that! If you fell out of love with me, I would–I would've seen or felt it because I know how it feels to be loved by you. I know it. And you're a fucking liar."

Fu Ligong's eyes were cloudy now too and part of Zheng Zeshou felt immensely guilty for being the cause. But another, darker part thought it was good. Maybe could feel an ounce of how Zheng Zeshou's entire life had upended overnight.

"I just think it's for the best. I know it hurts now, but you'll move on," Fu Ligong said. It was meant to be reassuring, but Zheng Zeshou wasn't sure which one of them it was for.

"What about me and my entire dating history says that I will?" Zheng Zeshou said. Fu Ligong looked away again, blinking rapidly. "I wish you would just tell me. Because all I can think is that you just woke up and saw that I'm not enough."

"No."

"And that's fine, but tell me! Just be honest with me. I've done nothing to earn dishonesty."

Zheng Zeshou watched his chest heave with each breath, watching him clench his jaw and watched him blink away tears. It was all even more frustrating. It would be easier, maybe, if Fu Ligong was cold and callous and he could convince himself that he didn't care. It would be easier than feeling lied to.

"I want you to be happy," Fu Ligong said, slow and soft, "I don't want you to lose your family, especially not because of me."

The bathroom was quiet enough he could hear a pin drop.

"You're my family too."

Fu Ligong held his composure for all of five more seconds before he ran his hands through his hair and turned his back to him completely. Zheng Zhou watched his shoulders shake with each shaky breath that accompanied his near silent crying. He hated seeing him cry; he hated that it got to this in the first place.

He was just glad he cared at all.

"I talked to your dad and he just wants the best for you. I don't want to put a strain on your relationship more than there already is, especially since your mom just died and I just–think we should not be doing this at work," he said.

Last week, last year, last decade, Zheng Zeshou would've laughed and pinched his cheek and wrapped him in a hug. He would've suggested they go watch a movie together or grab a drink and he would stay glued to his side until he smiled again. He would've done so much because he loved him so much.

"I'm almost 30 years old," Zheng Zeshou said, "I don't need you or my father making decisions for me. I'm grown."

"I know."

"I don't know how something like my father's opinions could possibly be so convincing," he said, swallowing down the multitude of feelings that were choking him, "Maybe you really did fall out of love with me after all."

Zheng Zeshou didn't bother with washing his face off or hiding the fact that he had been crying or that, when he got home, he'd probably cry some more. Instead, he went to his boss' office and requested a couple of days off to deal with his mother's passing. He decided he would use that time to figure out if he wanted to keep this job at all.

He left after that, making his way home and feeling more pathetic with each step. He couldn't stop thinking about Fu Ligong–truly, that wasn't new–and what his father could've possibly said to make him do this. Despite everything, he knew Fu Ligong had loved him. He had felt it and had cherished it and had smothered himself in it. It didn't make sense.

Nothing ever made sense anymore.

Zheng Zeshou arrived home, shed his clothes, and laid on his bed without bothering for a shower. His body ached and his head was throbbing, paired with sore eyes and a stuffy nose. He breathed in and out slowly. It was the only way he could make it happen at all.

He loved his father and he loved his sister and he loved Fu Ligong–that was his family unit and had been for over a decade. His father had never had any sort of ill feelings towards Fu Ligong until he found out about them, but still. Zheng Zeshou dealt with the initial hard part. The confession and the arguing and the defending. Why would Fu Ligong go behind his back and listen and choose something different?

Before he even knew it, there was a knock on his door and it was suddenly dark outside. He didn't remember falling asleep, but he clearly had and tried not to feel too disoriented about that. He still felt heavy and off-kilter and couldn't give a time if asked and yet he still managed to make it to the door and opened it without checking for who it was before then.

So seeing Fu Ligong's face there, still dressed in his suit of the day, was genuinely a lot more shocking than Zheng Zeshou would like to admit.

"I'm sorry," Fu Ligong said, "I'm sorry. I'll say it until I stop breathing. I'm sorry, Zheng Zeshou."

"Okay," he whispered, "What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing. I just need you to know I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you," he insisted.

Zheng Zeshou kept staring, his eyes focused on the little crease between Fu Ligong's eyebrows. It always came when he was upset or concerned. He never got the opportunity to kiss it away.

"I'm not like you. I've never… I've never been able to be bold and forward. The only times I have are when you encouraged me or pulled me along. My entire life has been defined by you, by us, and the choices you've helped me make or made for me even if you didn't realize that's what you were doing. And I thought that for once I needed to do the same for you. I needed to stop being selfish. But I'm sorry, Zheng Zeshou, that I was wrong and maybe a little more selfish.”

“When you confessed to me, that was bold and forward. I didn’t push you to do that,” Zheng Zeshou said because that was the only thing he could say.

“You’re right,” Fu Ligong said, nodding with that strong-willed look, “There’s one thing I can convince myself to be bold about then, and it’s always you. So, please, can I be bold for you one last time? And then I’ll leave you alone and if you want to never see me again, I will.”

Maybe Zheng Zeshou should’ve put on pants before he opened the door. Suddenly standing here in nothing but his boxers and undershirt seemed like it wasn’t appropriate for this conversation. Still, he nodded his head.

Fu Ligong stepped into the doorway, staring at him with unbridled determination.

“I love you, Zheng Zeshou. I have loved you since the day I first laid eyes on you, from the first time you said my name. I have spent every day of my life falling in love with you over and over again. There is nothing on this planet that could stop me from loving you. I don’t know who I am without loving you, that is a part of me too deep to get rid of. I will love you every day no matter what. And I am so sorry that I thought the solution was to pretend I didn’t. Any reason I can give you won’t matter, because I lied and I hurt you. So just know that I am sorry and that I love you more than anything.”

This was probably the longest Fu Ligong had ever spoken consecutively with very little input from Zheng Zeshou himself. It felt sincere and like he was putting in the effort. Even though it didn’t fix everything and it still didn’t completely heal the ache in his chest, the next breath he took came a little easier.

“Nothing lasts forever, Fu Ligong,” Zheng Zeshou said anyway.

“No,” Fu Ligong said, shaking his head with so much conviction it was hard to believe that this was the same boy who avoided eye contact for the first six months of their friendship, “No, the way I feel about you is forever. No matter what happens, I love you. And that feeling maybe has changed over time, but it’s only gotten stronger. You are my family. I’m in love with you. I love you. I love you.”

“Are you drunk because you’re talking a lot,” Zheng Zeshou said. Each breath was easier than the last. His chest didn’t stop aching, but every ache was easier when Fu Ligong stared at him. It always had been. He wasn’t sure why it took him so long to realize he loved him.

“No, I just love you, Zheng Zeshou,” Fu Ligong said with a breath. And maybe he had been struggling to breathe too. “Alright. I’ll go now.”

“Fu Ligong,” Zheng Zeshou said the moment he took a step back. Fu Ligong looked up at him, open and unexpecting. It was annoying how easy it was to love him. “Can you come lay with me?”

“Lay with you?” he repeated. Zheng Zeshou nodded.

“I haven’t slept well. I want to talk more after I sleep,” he said, “And maybe go talk to my dad tomorrow, too.”

Fu Ligong didn’t hesitate to nod and he stepped inside completely. Zheng Zeshou led the way towards his bedroom, still halfway in a haze. He still wasn’t sure what he wanted to do next or what Fu Ligong wanted to do next. He wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was at all. All he knew was that he really liked hearing Fu Ligong be so honest. He wasn’t a very good liar for a lawyer.

He climbed into bed and watched Fu Ligong who watched him back, waiting for his cue to make a move. He’d gotten rid of his suit jacket and his belt, but the rest of his clothes stayed on. Zheng Zeshou didn’t have it in him to suggest he take off more. So, instead, he patted the bed beside him and let his eyes fall closed as Fu Ligong climbed in.

“Can you be honest with me from now on?” Zheng Zeshou asked softly.

“Yes, I promise,” Fu Ligong said. He was quiet for a moment before he added, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

Things were far from fixed and he didn’t actually know when he wouldn’t be scared that the rug would be ripped out from under him, but he did know that Fu Ligong could be very kind and convincing.

And maybe they could find a way to be okay.

#Plus and Minus #plus & minus #plus and minus fic #zheng zeshou #fu ligong #my fic #here you go to the 2 people that'll read this lmao #i needed to get this out of my brain

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heretherebedork · 2 years

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I do appreciate the boys in drag. They're pretty adorable.

And the crowning glory

#plus & minus #zheng zeshou #fu ligong #bl drama #bl series #正負之間 #twdrama #plus and minus #taiwan drama #taiwanese bl #crossdressing #quite cute boys #taiwan bl #taiwanese drama #zheng zeshou x fu ligong #asian lgbtq dramas #asianlgbtqdramas #zheng ze shou #fu li gong

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hup123hup123slapslap · 2 years

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I’m mad about people’s takes again so here’s a rant about my boy Fu Ligong

FOLKS

Fu Ligong pines for over a decade and is never given an indication that the feelings were mutual prior to his confession, even after they start dating

Zheng Zeshou doesn’t believe in love until Ligong changes their relationship. A relationship that Zeshou is clearly desperate to keep.

Zeshou as a whole is reckless and he jumps headfirst into their relationship in an equally impulsive way. (half of the audience was questioning his 180 too ffs)

Ligong is desperate to make sure Zeshou is happy and stomping down his own feelings to make that happen comes naturally at this point.

Zeshou is new to their relationship, is newly open to the idea of love at all, is still openly skeptical of long term relationships and their ability to work out, and, once again, is known to jump into things without fully thinking about them

Therefore, Ligong thinks Zeshou will be just fine with going back to being friends, because losing Ligong was his biggest fear. And not only does his familial situation become less complicated, presumably he can now breathe a sigh of relief now that the idea of breaking up or divorcing isn’t circling around in his head. Their relationship can go back to being solid and simple like it was before Ligong complicated it.

Zeshou would never agree to break up because of his father, but Zeshou is also stubborn when it comes to his father. Ligong would likely feel doubt if he were to admit the reason he wanted to break up. Zeshou would absolutely double down on their relationship and refuse to break up, but how much of that is Zeshou being stubborn and scared?

Yeah Fu Ligong was wrong. But he didn’t just pull his decision out of thin air. He knows Zheng Zeshou better than anyone, and while I don’t necessarily think he doubted Zeshou’s feelings, he doubted where they came from, how intense they were, and how long they could last. Being the only one in love, and the only one suffering, is so familiar to him that he naturally wanted to go back to that. And he genuinely thought he could.

Like I genuinely would argue that the breakup wasn’t useless and just for drama. The two did need to meet in the middle on where they stood. Ligong is the one who screwed up, yes, but neither one would feel like they were on completely solid ground until they had this proof.

Zeshou needed to realize that getting your heart broken doesn’t stop your feelings, and as a result, he let go of the crushing fear of being left behind because things change. He’s not stuck in a pattern of trying to keep things the same or trying to be utterly perfect so that everything keeps moving smoothly with Ligong. Notice how he’s open about talking about his doubts over the marriage? I don’t think he’d be so eager to propose or communicate his doubts outside of hypotheticals if things had stayed like they were.

And Ligong needed to realize that Zeshou wasn’t just jumping into their relationship because of fear and a natural inclination to go all out. Zeshou loves him on purpose. Because he wants to.

#plus and minus #plus & minus #fu ligong #zheng zeshou #the ace whiner #i hate the breaking up because you care trope but like for once it felt justified #but also i'm biased because i clocked my boy fu ligong as autistic and it was an incredibly autistic move #let's just go back to how things were easy peasy right? right? why am i not right? why are you crying?#fu ligong did something wrong but he had good reasoning and is autistic i rest my case

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theoryofarson · 2 years

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no bc i dont think you understand

#IM OBSESSED #how many times have i rewatched this scene #of fu ligong hold himb boyfie #9 million probably #they <3<3 #plus & minus #zheng zeshou #fu ligong #fu li gong x zheng ze shou #taiwanese drama #taiwanese bl #fanart #mine #theoryofarson.art

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wanderlust-in-my-soul · 2 years

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An activity to put you at ease.

#plus and minus #plus & minus #zheng zeshou x fu ligong #taiwanese bl #taiwanese drama #perfect last episode #love the looks they gave each other #myedit

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mymycorrhizae · 2 years

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THE DIVORCE LAWYERS GETTING MARRIED!!!!!

#plus and minus #zheng zeshou x fu ligong #plusandminusedit #plus & minus #THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I WANTED IT TO END #RIP TO EVERYONE WHO DOESNT LIKE THIS SHOW YOURE WRONG #mjtag

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25shadesoffebruary · 2 years

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"Although we can not be lovers, we can still be best friends." "Your friendship is bullshit."

#plus and minus #plus & minus #Taiwanese bl #asian lgbtq dramas #asianlgbtqdramas #bl drama #bl series #zheng zeshou x fu ligong #plusandminusedit #this is late like a week late sigh #25shadesedit

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oswlld · 2 years

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⪢ Cutie Pie (2022) ⪢ Kieta Hatsukoi (2021) ⪢ Blueming (2022) ⪢ Plus and Minus (2022) — autobiography of red, a.c.

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elevatormusic · 2 years

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you know? i’ve pretty much expected everything to happen in plus and minus like it did. except for the dads. i really thought they were gonna pull a stereotypical lawyer dad being against them dating and restaurant dad being the supportive one. was not expecting them to pull a reverse on us like that but am very much here for it. also glad that they made zeshou’s dad accept it on his own without anyone have to convince him

#plus and minus #plus & minus #fu ligong #zheng zeshou

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i-got-the-feels · 2 years

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Favorite Cinematography Scenes in Episode 8, Plus and Minus, 2022

#plus and minus #plus minus #zheng zeshou x fu ligong #asian lgbtq dramas #max lin #shi cheng hao #taiwanese bl #lgbtq edit #igtf edits #my gifs #igtf ne aisa queue kiya #igtf edits: plus and minus

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icouldhyperfixatehim · 5 months

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gave plus and minus a whirl bc i remembered people talking about it on the dash at one point but gang. i'm at episode 11 and this show still has no idea what it's about. the best friends to lovers yearning should've hit me right where i'm weak but it's so weirdly unconvincing since they got together and the third act drama is so hollow. idk if something is massively going over my head or what, but also why can neither of these men EVER hit a ball when they go to the batting cages?? it's like an analogous point about the show - all swings, all misses argh

#plus and minus #i'm so confused by what this show is trying to be and it seems like it also shares my confusion #zheng zeshou is a complete stunner and i love to look at him but it's just not enough #i've toed and froed on dropping this over and over and just keep giving it one more eps chance and somehow i'm two from the end lmao #sure i'll wrap it up. maybe the ending makes it make sense at least?#liomsa

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spaceskam · 2 years

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these arms were made for holding you

Summary: Fu Ligong and Zheng Zeshou take a bath together and talk about a case that’s hitting a bit too close to home.

Tags: emotional hurt/comfort, post-canon

ao3

Fu Ligong was in love.

This wasn't revolutionary news or anything, but he was and sometimes it was too much to process. His chest felt tight and it was hard to take a deep breath. It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling to be completely overwhelmed by the rush of emotion, especially not since Zeshou reciprocated to such a degree. His whole life, all the years he'd loved him and kept it to himself, he never imagined that he would be loved so fiercely right back. To the point it was like whiplash, honestly.

There was no small amount of guilt in his system when Fu Ligong thought of how lightly he'd taken that love, how he thought it would be easy for Zeshou to go back to the way they were. He'd thought it was too much too fast to be real or‒as selfish as it was‒a hardship for anyone but himself. However, with each passing day and each kiss and each late night conversation, Fu Ligong thought that maybe Zheng Zeshou had loved him just as long and just didn't quite have the words for it.

The thought made it hard to breathe all on its own.

"I love you," Fu Ligong whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of Zeshou's head. His long body was all folded up so they could fit in the bath together, his head resting on Fu Ligong’s chest and his eyes closed peacefully. His lips were parted and his breathing was even and Fu Ligong wasn't sure if he was awake or not. It didn't matter. He was warm and comfortable and Fu Ligong had no intention to disturb him until the water got cold or his palms pruned.

Zheng Zeshou's current client was, unfortunately, not an easy one. The husband had come in claiming he needed a divorce because his wife had run off with another man and taken most of their life's savings. Clean cut reason for divorce. But by their second meeting, he'd come in with two small children and a baby on his hip and he'd broken down during their talk. He didn't want a divorce, he didn't care about the money, he just wanted her to come home. He wanted to know what he did wrong, he wanted to know why. Fu Ligong had taken it upon himself to take the kids out of the room and had spent a solid couple hours babysitting while Zheng Zeshou dealt with a man falling apart. And he handled it well. They went for a drink after, but it was clear that the whole thing was hitting too close to home.

So Fu Ligong had coaxed him to put it away for the evening and to take a bath with him. They had never really done anything like this before, still learning each other's bodies when they were bare. Sexual situations were one thing, scarily intimate on its own, but this somehow felt even more. And as much as that was terrifying, it felt good. Safe. Right.

"Mm," Zheng Zeshou mumbled in response. Fu Ligong smiled and kissed his face again with a little more pressure, enough to make him breathe in deep and hum.

Fu Ligong dragged his fingers over his chest, aimless with his actions as he moved from one mole to another. He just wanted to touch. Zheng Zeshou was fit and chiseled, but it was nice in the little moments when he was well fed and not trying to show off. He was just relaxed, his body well kempt and lived in.

"Fu Ligong," Zeshou murmured. Fu Ligong pressed his nose into his damp hair.

"Zheng Zeshou."

"Fu Ligong," he said again, shifting a bit to stretch his legs out. They hung over the ledge of the tub and shook a bit as he stretched, his arms reaching up and around Ligong's head in a stretch as well. It was impossible not to smile. "Fu Ligong, do you think Li Furen is going to try to get joint custody of the kids?"

Fu Ligong kissed the crown of his head with a sad little smile, stroking the length of his torso. He knew the answer was most likely no, at least for the time being. He didn't know every little detail about the Li family's situation, but he knew Li Furen probably left for a reason. Maybe she might come back one day when she was ready and had healed, but for now it didn't seem plausible.

But, of course, that didn't sound very hopeful.

"I don't know," Fu Ligong said. Zheng Zeshou dropped his feet back in the bath.

"I feel bad for Li Xiansheng," Zheng Zeshou said, "He's so lost without her. I think she managed most of their finances, too. He stays home with the kids and does some tailoring for extra money. But that's not enough to raise three kids, is it?"

"No," Fu Ligong said, "It isn't."

"He's been hiding it for a while, that she left. Trying to pretend all things were good and that she would come back, but I think it's becoming real to him now that he's running out of money. He's scared, Fu Ligong," Zheng Zeshou said, sighing as he shifted and tried to nuzzle himself a little more into Fu Ligong. Fu Ligong moved up to wrap his arms around his chest, giving him a small squeeze.

"I know. It's something he just needs to work through, the first step is finding his footing with their assets which you’re helping with. But there’s only so much you can help with, you know that, right?” Fu Ligong whispered, nose pressed into his hair. Zeshou nodded, but the pout on his lips was still there.

“I wish I could do more.”

Fu Ligong nodded, loosening his grip just to slide his hands down to Zeshou’s so he could lock their fingers together.

“Tell me if you need my help with anything, I know this is a lot. I can even take over if you need me too,” Fu Ligong offered. Zeshou shook his head.

“No, I need to do this.”

They sat in silence for a few moments more, nothing but shared company and warm touches. Fu Ligong kissed his shoulder, kissed his head, held him tightly. He knew he was hurting and he unfortunately knew there wasn’t much he could do other than be here. Last time he was hurt, he wasn’t there. He could be here this time.

“A-Gong,” Zeshou whispered after a moment. Fu Ligong hummed in acknowledgement. “Do you think, if things were different, if I wasn’t so angry, my mom would’ve come back before?”

Fu Ligong froze, swallowing. That wasn’t an easy question to answer and he definitely didn’t want to stay silent for too long.

“Zeshou, I don’t think you need to think of it that way. Nothing you could’ve done would change what she did. It’s not the responsibility of a child to cater to their parent,” he said softly, reaching up to push Zeshou’s hair back and tilting his head back along with it. Their eyes met, serious and unbreakable. “I think she loved you, but I also think she had reasons for why she made the choices she did. You have every reason to be angry, just as she had every right to leave if she felt she couldn’t stay. She wasn’t happy, maybe her staying would’ve been worse for everyone. It’s nothing we can ever know and so you can’t feel guilty about that. There is nothing you could’ve changed.”

“Fu Ligong, I think you said something wise in there somewhere,” he said. Fu Ligong smiled and kissed his forehead.

“I just want you to know that it isn’t your fault. Just like with the Li family, none of those children are at fault.”

“They’ll think they are though,” Zheng Zeshou told him, “I know how it feels. They’ll think they are. They’ll blame themselves, they’ll blame Li Xiansheng, they’ll hate her. Nothing good comes from it.”

“Maybe not,” Fu Ligong said, “But they’ll be okay.”

“And if they’re not?”

“Don’t think that way. They will be. You are, aren’t you?”

Zheng Zeshou’s lips formed a pout again. “Ask me tomorrow.”

Fu Ligong huffed a laugh and craned over him to press a kiss to his lips. It was short lived and tasted of his dinner, but he didn’t mind. He held onto Zheng Zeshou, holding him as securely as his body would allow. He knew that there was a possibility those kids wouldn’t be okay. A possibility that Li Xiansheng wouldn’t be either. It wasn’t anything Fu Ligong could assure or promise. All he could do was be here with his person and hope that they found their person as well.

Fu Ligong noticed the pin-prick bumps on Zeshou’s skin before he noticed himself that the water was cold, but that was probably a much better encouragement to get him out of the bath than his own discomfort anyway. He tapped Zheng Zeshou’s arm and urged him to sit up, smiling as he whined through the movements. Fu Ligong wrapped him in a towel and they both dried off, moving quickly as they shivered under the cold air on damp skin.

Eventually, they ended up in bed‒their bed, their room, their home‒and Zheng Zeshou immediately cuddled up to him with his head on his chest. Fu Ligong ran his fingers through his hair, holding him close.

“A-Gong,” Zheng Zeshou murmured into his neck, “My Xiao Gong.”

“Yes?” Fu Ligong answered, smiling into his hair because he could. Because that was safe and promising. Because this was home. Because this was his person and he was never going to let go, no matter what happened. Because they were going to be okay.

“I love you,” he said. Simple, like breathing.

And Fu Ligong breathed easy with him.

“I love you too.”

#plus and minus #plus & minus #plus and minus fic #zheng zeshou #fu ligong #my fic

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heretherebedork · 2 years

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We start the episode with Li Gong making up his mind, a white rose in his hands. White roses symbolize purity, innocence... new beginnings and everlasting love. This is Li Gong's choice. He's giving up on their love, trying to return to innocence, trying to create a new beginning so Ze Shou can make his father proud. But Ze Shou is just so happy in their relationship, so full of joy and love, that he never imagines this is what might be happening.

And then Ze Shou somehow has to process this, the crash, going from his highest joy, the moment of pure happiness to... this. To pain. The baseball rolling away behind, leaving him alone, leaving him lost and confused and scared and hurt. Ze Shou has been holding himself together with Li Gong's love and to have it suddenly stripped away, to lose everything in a moment... he falls apart.

Ze Shou literally begging Li Gong for anything, anything at all, any reason, any explanation and realizing that there isn't one. Realizing that there's nothing but 'I stopped loving you' and that he can't do anything about that and he shatters, he shatters into a million pieces.

And then he gets the call saying his mother passed. He gets the call and he has to process both the break up and the final loss of his mothers and the loss of everything in an instant. Ze Shou has gone from celebrating his relationship and the love he had and the support system he'd found to standing alone, cracked open, a million pieces of his heart barely holding together.

This is the moment that the shattering finishes. This is when Ze Shou realizes that his life will never be the dream he lived for so little time ever again. He sees all the gifts, all the moments they've shared, all the little signs of love packed into a box for him to take away and Li Gong doesn't ask how he is. Li Gong doesn't comfort him. Li Gong asks him why he isn't with his dad and sister and Li Gong leaves all the little pieces of love he gave him and then leaves him alone.

Ze Shou has nothing. And Li Gong might have said they could be brothers and he'd still be there for him but he didn't listen. He didn't pause. He didn't comfort him or speak to him or offer him reassurance. He left him behind with a box of broken promises and broken love and a broken heart.

And this moment. When he turns to his father and his sister and his family and smiles for them. He never tells them he broke up. He never tells them he's brokenherted. He doesn't ask them to be his support or to help him or to comfort him. He turns to them and he offer his support. He's not asking anymore. He's not seeking any more. He's given up on that. He's accepted that the love he sought and fought so hard for was gone. That it's gone. That he no longer has that love or that support or that friendship or that trust. And now he has nothing.

He lost what he found, he lost his whole world, and he's accepted that as best he can. He's lost everything but he still has to keep going. He has to keep moving. So he smiles for his father, he smiles for his sister, he puts away his pain and his shattered heart and he looks for a path forward.

The worst part is that he truly believe that Li Gong no longer loves him. That Li Gong has made this choice because their love didn't last, because he wasn't what he truly wanted, because he wasn't good enough. Because he could never be good enough for that perfect test score, for that that perfect love, for that chance to be supported and loved.

And that's the real agony. That Ze Shou believes all of it. And it breaks him into a million pieces. No wonder he's choosing to resign, choosing to leave, choosing to take his own space and make his own space. What else can he do?

(Also, the way Li Gong talks about Ze Shou and the break up definitely leans into Nikita thinking that Ze Shou broke up with him and that's why she makes her move, I think. She wants a chance with him, she's been in love for a long time as well, and she doesn't have any idea what really happened.)

Ze Shou breaks down alone this time. But Li Gong is drinking with Nikita, he's out with people, he's seeking out the people around him for blind dates because he knows that what he did was wrong and he knows that he made this choice and he's trying to make a choice to make up for it...

But Ze Shou didn't make any choices. Ze Shou had this forced on him, pushed on him, forced to be alone and to be heartbroken and to ache with the pain of loss.

Li Gong is moving on with his life by making choices and Ze Shou is moving on with his life because he doesn't have a choice.

And then we come to the final moments...

To the moment that Ze Shou makes the ultimate choice that has been lingering on the edges, the choice that he has to make to save himself...

Ze Shou sees Nikita hugging Li Gong, sees him moving on and Ze Shou knows that he can't stay where he is. He can't watch him move on, he can't be there as he finds new love and a new future and new happiness without him.

So he's going to leave.

What else do you do when you support system is shattered, when you lose the one person that was holding you together and realize that you don't have anything left if you're just friends, just brothers, because that's not what you want? Ze Shou isn't going to force Li Gong, he isn't going to pine away after him the way Li Gong did for him. He's going to pick up the pieces of his heart and he's going to do something.

This episode was just so immensely painful watching Ze Shou fall apart and watching Li Gong so deeply immersed in making this choice for him that he didn't see how bad it really was.

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