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spectraspecs-writes · 2 years

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Alderaan - Chapter 119

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 118. Chapter 120.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

Zhar looks like he knows something’s changed. Like he can tell somehow that I touched the mask. He doesn’t ask me about it. He just gives me that cryptic smile of his.

He isn’t in the room for long before he says, “I think you’re ready.” Ready for what? He opens the training room door and says to someone outside, “Would you show her in, please?” Show who in?

A flash of blue. A full body hug. Mission. “Oh my gods, Rena!” she exclaims, “Zhar told me you were working on that lightning thing! That’s so cool! I’m so excited!”

“I think he has a bit more confidence in me than I deserve,” I say.

“Whether you are being humble or anxious,” Zhar says, “my faith in you is totally earned. While you have not mastered the ability, I believe you have complete control over it. Mastery will come with experience.”

“You haven’t even had me do anything yet today, how do you know I’ve got it?”

“Well, duh, Rena,” Mission says, “He’s a Jedi, you guys just know stuff like that.”

Zhar nods. “While lacking in the finer points, Mission, your assessment is more or less correct.” (She does a little fist pump in victory.) “It will be up to us to prove to Rena what you and I already know.”

“Wait, what?” How is Mission going to prove anything?

She’s eager. “What should I do?”

“Stand by that computer terminal if you would, please,” he says. Mission nods and stands there. That’s the place Master Zhar usually stands when he wants me to shock --

Oh.

Uh-uh, no way, not going to happen, I am not going to risk electrocuting Mission, she is just a kid and she can’t defend herself if I get it wrong.

“Rena has been working on a way to utilize her ability without accidentally hurting anyone,” Zhar tells her, “To produce a current of electricity so precise that it only damages machinery such as computer terminals and droids, but is barely perceptible to life forms.”

“Wow!” Mission exclaims, “Is that even possible? That’s so cool! How do you do that?”

Mission looks at me to explain, but Zhar speaks again. “It’s an ability that requires great emotional control to master, as well as focus and confidence in one’s abilities.” He looks at me. Like he knows about last night and the mask. I am 90% certain he knows somehow.

And he’s right. I know what I need to do, I just have to do it. But firing lightning at Master Zhar and firing it at Mission are two different things.

I hear Marina’s voice, almost like it’s coming out of the mask. “How is it so different?” she says, “It’s still you doing it. I know you can do it, Rena. So you know it, too.” God it’s confusing having three people in my head who are all me.

“Rena can totally do that!” Mission says, “Emotional control, focus, confidence -- she can do all of that!”

“Yes, she can,” Zhar says, still looking at me. Then he looks at Mission and says, “Would you like to be on the receiving end?”

Her face lights up. “No way! I get to be struck by lightning and not get hurt? Awesome!” She’s incredible. Not even thinking for a moment that I would hurt her. It’s unfathomable to her.

Master Zhar stands close to her. Ready to step in if something happens, just in case. It’s okay, it’s okay, deep breaths, Rena. I ready myself. Feel the spark between my fingers. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. I won’t hurt her if I’m confident I won’t hurt her. Trust yourself. I reach my arm out. Mission braces herself but she still has a massive grin on her face. The electricity ripples through my arm. I won’t hurt her. I won’t hurt her. The lightning shoots from my fingers and hits Mission. She looks okay. Then she laughs a little. “Whoa,” she says, “This feels so weird! Like when your foot’s asleep, but it’s my whole body! This is so cool!”

Zhar smiles and nods at me, and I lower my arm. “Well done, Rena,” he says, “You have conquered your fear.”

Mission looks at him, then back at me. “No way,” she says, “Rena, were you afraid of hurting me?”

I’m so relieved my bones feel like jelly. “Afraid of hurting anybody, but yeah, of course I don’t want to hurt you.” I don’t like feeling emotionally vulnerable right now. “I mean, Carth and Canderous are probably already mad at me, I don’t think I could take it if you were, too.”

“No way, Canderous isn’t mad at you!” she says, sounding certain, “And if Carth can’t deal with this without pouting or yelling at you then that’s his problem!” Now I wish I had her confidence. “Come on - we have to show the others!”

“Not quite yet,” Master Zhar interjects, “There is still one more thing Rena must attempt before she is ready to move on. She has not yet tried this power on its intended target - machines.”

“Okay, well, that’s easy!” she says, “There’s gotta be a droid around here somewhere we can destroy!” We? “This room is full of droids! Maybe one of them!”

Zhar smiles again - he likes Mission already, I can tell. “I took the liberty of having a droid moved here this morning, a cleaning droid that is ready to be retired.” He did that this morning? Before I even came in? How did he know? He pushes a few controls on the computer terminal, and a droid comes whirring slowly forth from behind me. Usually cleaning droids are capable of self-control - they follow a pre-programmed route at certain times of day and have an internal map if they get redirected elsewhere. This little guy must have lost those capabilities due to age or something; no wonder he’s being retired.

I feel bad about just zapping him like he’s worthless, so I lay my hand on the chassis. There's a small whirring, not just from a cooling fan, he’s still active in there. I can’t communicate with him through the Force, but a droid can’t make his way in the world without speech processors. “How you doing, little guy?” His beeps and whistles are scratchy and frazzled, but I can still make out what he’s trying to say. His battery pack can still sustain him for his daily route, but his navigational sensors are beyond repair, can’t be replaced. He’s too old for any parts to be compatible. Could I Frankenstein something? Yeah. But he’s seen his time and his servos are shocky. He’s ready to be retired. I get the sense his usual engineer talks to him this way, too. He understands what’s happening and he’s ready to help. ‘That’s good to hear,” I say. I stand back up and take another breath, feeling the sparks between my fingers again. This is a kindness. Raise my arm. The lightning flies and hits the droid. The lights on his head unit flash wildly as the excess power flows through them. When I hear a pop, I lower my arm. The job is done.

I’m speechless. I did it. I didn’t even think about charge, but I know it was the same. I could feel it in my veins. This is such a relief, I can control this, I won’t hurt anybody. All I can do is breathe. Mission turns to me, clearly excited, but her face changes when she sees mine. “Hey, you okay, Rena?”

Where do I even begin? Yes, I’m okay. I’m the best I’ve been in a week. There is literally no way I can overstate how much of a load off my mind this is -- It’s hard to believe this happened only two months ago, but Bastila said Force abilities don’t go away. It was stupid of me to hope the lightning would, could, be different. And to think, I almost stayed on the ship, hoping and wishing it would fade away on its own. But now… no one gets hurt. I take a deep breath and nod, finally saying, “Yeah. I’m amazing.”

Mission grabs my hand. “Come on! We have to go show the others!” I spare a look at Master Zhar, who nods, indicating that I can go, and I let Mission pull me back to the ship.

Juhani is there, just outside, carrying two bags into the Hawk. “Hi, Juhani!” Mission greets her, but then she stops. Something broke her excitement? “Hey,” she says, a hint of an objection, “That’s my stuff - are we not staying at the enclave anymore?”

“I know as much as you do,” Juhani says with a shrug, “Jolee informed me this morning that we would be leaving for Manaan later today.”

Mission shrugs now. “I guess he must have talked to Master Zhar.” Which would be a fine explanation, except I can’t even believe Zhar knew I’d be ready. Mission’s excitement rises back up. “Come on! You gotta see Rena’s cool trick!”

I smile. “It’s not a trick,” I say, “It’s a Force power.”

“Yeah, but it’s still a cool trick!” God, I love her. She steps onto the loading ramp and pulls me into the ship. “Big Z! Canderous! Rena’s here! You gotta come see this!”

Carth, even though he wasn’t called, comes into the swoop bay anyway, sort of holding back behind the others. Keeping his distance. Canderous pushes his way past him, standing in the corner. He’s distant in his own way - an emotional distance. He’s fairly easy to read. The only thing that’s kept him from leaving without us is the fact that he couldn’t get a ship, and he couldn’t get into the cockpit to take this one. Juhani is trying to close herself off. I won’t push my way in. Jolee is just as he was before - a crotchety old man on the surface. “Well, don’t leave us in suspense,” he says, “What do you have to show us?”

“Rena can hit me with lightning and it doesn’t hurt!” Carth and Canderous both straighten. Carth’s face is uncertain - he doesn’t trust it. (Big surprise there.) Canderous is more incredulous - like he can’t see the point in firing harmless electricity from your fingertips. Mission crossed the swoop bay, standing opposite me. “Come on, Rena! Hit me!” I take a deep breath, just like before. Raise my arm and watch the sparks fly from my fingertips. I hold it for about ten seconds as the others watch in awe, then lower my arm. They’re all dumbstruck.

Carth is the first to speak. “That… didn’t hurt at all?”

“Nope! Isn’t that so cool?”

Canderous gives a little scoff. “What’s the point of it if it doesn’t do any damage?” Just like I thought he was thinking.

“It does damage, just not to sentients,” I say, “It damages electronics - droids, computers, stuff like that.” I shrug a little. There’s a bit of tension in the room, like they’re waiting for me to say something that sounds like me. So I do. “I don’t need the Force to attack someone, that’s what my hands are for.” The tension lifts, but Canderous still isn’t himself. And I don’t think he will be himself for a while. I understand. I’m not myself, either. I can sound like I am, but I’m not. The only difference is, he’ll probably feel better when we get Bastila back. But me? I’m not so sure.

But. I need to get off my ass. Carth said Jolee was in charge, so I look at him. “How soon can we get underway?”

But it’s Carth who answers. Given that he’s the pilot, I’m not entirely surprised, but I’d be lying if I said I expected it. “Jolee’s had us getting ready since this morning. We’ll be ready to take off in a few hours.”

“Sounds good,” I say, “The sooner we get there, the sooner we can find the Star Map, the sooner we can stop Malak.”

“And find Bastila,” Canderous says.

“Then let’s get moving,” Jolee says, and everybody walks off in different directions. But Jolee and I stay. He catches me looking at him. “Got something on your mind, do you?”

“How did you know?” He gives a look like he’s about to ask what I mean. “Don’t look at me like that,” I say, stopping him before he can, “You know exactly what I’m talking about. You and Master Zhar both knew I was ready before I even said anything. How did you know?”

He grins warmly at me. “Do you really have to ask?” he says, “It’s the Force, lass. What were you expecting?” I don’t say anything. Jolee takes a deep breath. “I’d better go have a word with the dockmaster, let them know we’ll be departing.”

“Good idea.” I’d go tell Master Zhar, but I suspect he already knows. And if I say anything, he might try to give me the mask. I’m not ready for that. Besides, it’s better off here. Safer. It’s a powerful thing - who knows whether or not it will call out and alert someone to our presence?

I can’t ignore the fact that I’m nervous. I’ve never felt nervous like this for the other Star Maps. I go into the engine room - at least there’s something I know, something I can throw myself into to distract myself. The engines have been offline for a few days, after all, they need to be checked over. T3 is in the engine room, too. And Carth. Which is uncomfortable. We acknowledge each other. No reason to make it harder for both of us. Although seeing him doesn’t help my nerves. I’m already resigned to it, letting him go, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. How do you adapt and live with someone hating you? I squat down to get closer to the engine and try my best to ignore him.

“It should be a little less than a day until we get to Manaan.” he says, breaking the silence.

A perfectly normal thing to say. “Cool,” I say neutrally, trying to focus on the engine.

He pauses like he’s got something to say, but in the end he must decide against it, because he leaves without another word.

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revan-escence · 5 years

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To be honest, he was right.

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I’ve submitted the last of my essays (all that’s left to do is my Master’s dissertation), so to celebrate, here’s a quick bit of art I did in an hour!

#art #Darth Revan #Revan Mood #kotor #kotor1 #knights of the old republic #fanart #star wars #sw #vrook lamar #dorak #zhar lestin #zhar #jedi #dantooine jedi #jedi council #vrook #revan

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tarrevizsla · 3 years

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Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (2003)

You cannot hide from what you once were, Revan! Recognize that you were once the Dark Lord - and know that I have taken your place!

#my gifs #kotor #knights of the old republic #revan #darth revan #bastila shan #zhar lestin #carth onasi #yes i had to throw in that it was made in 2003 #because otherwise. the quality of these gifs

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babineni · 4 years

Conversation

The Exile: Is there anyone you like? What about... Nomi Sunrider?

Kreia: She doesn't have the range.

The Exile: Lonna Vash?

Kreia: She doesn't have the range.

The Exile: Zhar Lestin?

Kreia: She doesn't have the range.

The Exile:...Arren Kae?

Kreia: She doesn't have the range. I'm sorry, Arren, I love her to bits but she doesn't have the range.

The Exile:...but that's you.

Kreia: I don't care, I don't have the range.

#kotor 2 #kreia

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ladyrevanhalin · 5 years

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TWISTED MORALITY (PART III OF “ONLY LIGHT CAN CAST SHADOW”), CHAPTER ONE: A NEW MISSION OF THE JEDI

Read on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16538378/chapters/39939015

Bastila Shan paced nervously outside of the medical bay of the Jedi Enclave on Dantooine. Much rode on the outcome of the patient within its walls. The situation had been discussed with Coruscant and the High Council there. All parties had determined that the procedure must be done in the strictest of secrecy. The Republic could not discover what they were doing, nor could any within the Order outside of the Council Members and those who had been involved directly in the event. Bastila had been one of the latter.

The success of the operation depended largely upon its secrecy. It was for this reason that the patient had been brought to Dantooine rather than Coruscant. On Coruscant, there were too many eyes. People would begin to question. Somebody would be bound to find out. Even here the risk existed, but it was far less great.

The procedure was a risky one even when removing the factor of everything that was at stake if it should fail. The process would take at least a month total, possibly longer before completion, and it was important for Bastila to remain there while it happened. After all, her relationship to the patient was one of the things they needed to be mindful of while operating. For the moment, the patient was still unconscious. She could sense that much.

The moral grounds regarding the procedure itself were questionable. The potential existed to completely destroy the patient should it go wrong. While this may have been a preferable outcome to those who were not allowed to know of its occurrence, it was not the one that they hoped for. It was why they needed to ensure the patient lived, even if it meant the extended length of time it would take. The fate of the Republic and of the galaxy depended upon it.

Every so often, they would call Bastila into the room to allow her to visit and to test the results so far. They needed her to ensure that the most important information regarding the patient in question remained intact.

Suddenly Bastila felt a sharp disturbance in the Force. The patient was stirring. Bastila could sense a whirlwind of emotions flow from them. Fear, confusion, pain, betrayal… but mostly fear. Bastila found this somewhat difficult to comprehend. Fear was the last thing she would have expected given the patient’s reputation. And yet, such a primal, almost animalistic instinct had taken over. They were afraid.

A sharp scream of agony came from within the medical bay, and Bastila was forced to brace herself against the wall, clutching the side of her head as she braced herself against the patient’s suffering. It was so much that it was overwhelming. She’d never felt anything so strongly in the Force before in her entire life… and yet this was only a taste of what was surely yet to come were the operation successful.

As suddenly as it had started, the disturbance stopped. The patient had been sedated again and was once more unconscious. Bastila panted, catching her breath. She wasn’t certain that she was ready to take on this mission, but she didn’t have any choice in the matter. After all, she was the only one who could accept it under the given circumstances. While it was unintentional at the time, she’d bound herself to the fate of the human who laid on the operation table now. It was because of this that the Council was willing to even attempt the operation at all. Otherwise, the more likely situation would have been stasis.

It was unclear to Bastila, however, whether the procedure they now attempted was any more merciful than letting the patient live out the rest of their days and die within a stasis pod. The longer the procedure lasted, the more questions she found herself asking… questions which she regretted having. The Council was far wiser and more experienced than her. What authority did she have to even consider questioning their judgement? Even so, it troubled her, so much so that she felt she needed to address them regarding the patient. After all, it was her own future which was in question here as well…

><><><><><

The Council Chamber in the Dantooine Enclave was far different than the High Council Chamber located in the Temple on Coruscant. It was far smaller and less grandiose. Where Coruscant’s Council Chamber stood gleaming in white, Dantooine’s was more earthen. Grays and browns made up the floor and the walls, and a great Blba tree grew inside, stretching its branches over the Chamber Seats. A circular skylight was in the center of the ceiling allowing the natural light of Dantooine’s sun to shine inside. Directly adjacent to the Council Chamber was the Padawan training room, so the Council could easily watch over the developing Jedi’s progress.

Padawan Bastila Shan entered the Chamber approaching the four Jedi Masters within who comprised the Dantooine Council: Master Vrook Lamar (who also sat on the High Council and served as Dantooine’s liaison on Coruscant), Master Vandar Tokare, Master Zhar Lestin, and Master Dorak (the chronicler of the Enclave). Two months of the procedure had already passed and Bastila had begun to worry about the patient. The thoughts she could sense from the patient had grown more vague, distant… and it was this she wished to speak to them about.

“Troubled you are, Padawan Bastila,” Master Vandar commented as she approached. “A question you have for the Council?”

“Yes, Masters,” Bastila said, kneeling before them. “I am concerned about the operations regarding the prisoner. I can sense that their consciousness is… failing.”

“We must ensure any possible threat from the prisoner is dead, Padawan Bastila,” Master Vrook replied to her. “You know better than anyone the risks we all face if too much remains of what once was…”

“Yes, but how much longer must this go on? I can feel the patient’s suffering…”

“You are not the only one with reservations,” spoke the Twi’lek, Master Zhar, “however, we all agree that there is no alternative in this. This is our only hope of being able to stop the war… You’ve done a great thing, Padawan Bastila Shan. Without you, there would only be death… But you have given them a second chance. If the Republic knew that they lived, do you think they would have offered so much?”

“Consider this, Padawan Bastila,” Master Dorak began, “You have not only saved their life, but also countless others if this operation should succeed. You need not pity their fate. This is for the better.”

“Besides,” Master Vrook interjected, “This one was always quite stubborn and resilient. I don’t think you need to worry as to whether their physical body will survive or not. It is because of this resilience that the procedure has taken so long. We’ve asked that extra… precautions be made.”

“What sort of precautions?” Bastila asked. “Is the procedure itself not enough?”

“A severance to the Force may be necessary,” Master Dorak explained. “It’s a severe punishment that hasn’t been used since Ulic Qel-Droma, but… the Council has agreed that it is for the better. The patient’s command of the Force is not necessity in order for the rest of the mission to work. That is why we need you, Miss Shan. You are to be the vessel of the Force necessary to filter the information we need to save the Republic.”

“As it was stated before,” said Master Vrook, “we cannot risk any part of what the patient once was to remain alive other than the information we need. They are too much of a risk not only to the Jedi Order but to the entire galaxy.”

“Go, Padawan Bastila,” Master Vandar said to her. “Unnecessary your worry is. Vital it is now that you focus on preparing for your mission. The time is almost at hand.”

><><><><><

After three months, the process had been completed. Bastila was asked to enter the medical bay where the patient was being held one last time. As she entered, several of the Jedi specialists involved were clearing the room of any evidence of the procedure having taken place. The head specialist, a Mirialan by the name of Tiva Koq, greeted her.

“Padawan Bastila,” Tiva said, greeting the other female in a polite bowing gesture. “I trust you are here to see the final results of the patient?”

“I am, Bastila said, nodding and stepping forward toward the operation table. The patient was unconscious. It seemed as though they had been given heavy sedatives to avoid coming to too soon. If that happened, then they would need to begin a portion of the process over again. Bastila looked down at the woman laying on the operation table. She seemed so normal. So peaceful. There wasn’t a trace left of the one she had faced aboard the Vindicator.

“Here,” the Mirialan said, handing Bastila a datapad. “We’ve programmed the patient with a new identity. We’ve chosen to keep parallels to the patient’s original background wherever safely possible. The mind is better able to grasp and to retain the new memories when there is less conflict with the ones that were extracted. We’ve gone ahead and put together service records for the patient also, so they might accompany you in your mission without question from the Republic fleet.”

Bastila Shan scrolled through the information regarding the records of the patient’s new identity.

NAME: GWENEVERE DAKAAL

SPECIES IDENTIFIER: HUMAN FEMALE

AGE: 34 YEARS, CORUSCANTI STANDARD

PLANET OF ORIGIN: DERALIA, DERALIA SYSTEM, TAMMUZ SECTOR, GRID T-15

LANGUAGES: GALACTIC BASIC, DERALIAN, BINARY, BOCCE, DOSH, SELKATH, CATHARESE, BOTHESE, DURESE, GAMORRESE, HUTTESE, JAWAESE, KALEESH, MANDO’A, CORELLISI, RODESE, SNIVVIAN, TOGRUTI, TWI’LEKI, ABYSSIN, AQUALISH, FALLEEN, GALACTIC SIGN LANGUAGE, KEL DOR, CORUSCANTI, QUARRENESE, SAVRIP, SOCORRAN, MIRALUKESE, SMUGGLER CANT, STEREB, SHYRIIWOOK, HIGH SITH…

“So many?” Bastila said frowning and looking up from the datapad.

“Yes,” the Mirialan. “The patient appears to have had quite a love for languages and was rather adept at them, no doubt partially due to her command of the Force. We were able to keep nearly all of the language-dominant areas of the cerebral cortex intact. There were some languages the patient understands that we were unable to identify even within our database, so they have been left off of the records accordingly. No doubt it will come in handy convincing the fleet of her recruitment and transfer, yes?”

“I suppose,” Bastila said. The list went on with at least a hundred different alien languages, but she’d stopped reading when she had reached ‘High Sith.’ “I think it would be better to leave this one off of the record.”

The Mirialan glanced at the datapad to see where Bastila had been indicating. “Ah yes,” Tiva Koq said. “I could see where that might prove problematic… It must have been overlooked when the file was created. We’ll delete it at once.”

“Good,” Bastila said, continuing past the languages as reading through the rest of the patient’s created service records.

BLOOD RELATIONS:

HERCARL DAKAAL, FATHER, DECEASED

VIVISHEA LUKLEE-DAKAAL, MOTHER, DECEASED

BLOOD TYPE: HUMAN, O POSITIVE

DESIGNATION: SPECIAL INTELLIGENCE AND CODE BREAKING

RELATED BACKGROUND: RECRUIT HAS PAST EXPERIENCE AS SMUGGLER WORKING THE CORRELLIAN RUN. BASIC KNOWLEDGE OF STEALTH, COMPUTERS, SECURITY AND DEMOLITIONS. BASIC PILOTING SKILLS. RECRUIT UNDERSTANDS A LARGE NUMBER OF ALIEN LANGUAGES. SUGGESTED DESIGNATION CODE BREAKING AND DEVELOPMENT BASED ON EXISTING SKILLS.

Bastila handed the datapad back to the Mirialan and looked at the patient again. The time and severance from the Force had lifted all traces of the minor Dark Side degradation she had shown previously. The color had returned to her previously death-pale flesh and Bastila could not help but to notice a series of scars running down the side of her body. Bastila frowned and turned back to the specialist.

“Old injuries,” the Mirialan assured her. “Not caused by our operations, but they do not match those described on her records from the previous war either. We’re not certain where they came from. But rest assured, we have inserted appropriate memories to explain them. Gwenevere Dakaal is a fully fleshed Republic citizen. I’ll admit, the primary behavioral core was quite difficult to reprogram, and so we were forced to leave many fundamental personality traits… but without the corresponding memories and without command of the Force, it should be of little to no threat.”

“And what if something should go wrong and the one from before should try to break through? I was informed that certain information from the previous mind would be retained for the sake of my own mission. Would these latent memories be enough to elicit such a response?”

“We have ensured that the latent memory can only be accessed while the patient is in a state of REM sleep. The memories will appear as no more than dreams to the patient, but the link between the two of you should allow you to view them simultaneously to the patient experiencing them. You can go ahead and test if you would like…”

The Mirialan then showed Bastila a small brassy cube with an intricate design, radiating a faint blueish light from within. It was a holocron. “We’ve recorded the full entirety of what we were able to recover here in case something should go wrong. The designation we’ve assigned the patient should keep them away from combat, but this is a war, Miss Shan. Accidents happen. We needed to be certain there could be a backup of the information should the patient be lost for whatever reason. The holocron of the patient’s full memories and personality is being sent to the Coruscanti archives for safe-keeping.”

“If there is holocron recording, then why do we not simply access it directly rather than using the subject?”

“We did consider the possibility. However, the personality within the holocron has proven to be quite rebellious and uncooperative. Beyond that, within the memories it is technically possible that there are certain portions which may only be accessed by the subject herself. All things considered, using the patient directly was decided to be the more ideal means of access.”

Bastila Shan looked back down at the patient and gently pressed her fingers to the woman’s temples before closing her eyes. Hazy images appeared. Herself, the Vindicator, a battle… Bastila opened her eyes and looked at the woman’s face. Some memories certainly remained. She only hoped that the ones that would bring an end to the Sith reign of terror were among them.

“We should leave as soon as possible,” Bastila said to the specialist. “We’ll need to be certain she remains sedated until we’re able to meet with the Republic fleet around Alderaan and introduce her into the crew. From there we’ll start along the Hydian Way Hyperspace Route and begin passing through the planets Revan and Malak visited starting from the Mandalorian Wars. There has to be something there that can give us a clue to what happened and how to stop it…”

“I’ll ensure that personnel remain with the patient until the integration had been made in case additional sedatives need to be administered. May the Force be with you, Padawan Bastila Shan. With any luck, this experiment will mean an end to the war.”

><><><><><

Gwen Dakaal took a sip of Caffa as she went through the proposed cipher against the intercepted message on-screen. She’d wished it would’ve been something stronger, but alcoholic beverages weren’t permitted onboard. Just one more of those stupid fleet laws she cursed under her breath at least twice a week. She leaned back in her seat as far as she could stretching before cracking her knuckles and checking the cipher again.

The code was in a combination of languages: binary with Mando’a and Old Coruscanti… They knew there was a fourth language as well, and traces of a fifth. The more used seemed to Gwen like Old Deralian. It seemed odd for it to appear in the context of Sith Code—after all, hardly anyone even on Deralia spoke the thing! The only reason she recognized it herself was because her parents had made her study it while she was a kid. Her father had been quite the history buff and thought planetary history and culture was an important subject for his daughter to learn. Whoever created the code must have had some sort of Deralian ties…

The other unknown language did seem familiar, but she couldn’t place it… She’s picked up fragments of so many during her smuggling days that sometimes they got mixed up in her head. Was that Togruti, or was it Savrip? After a while they all started to sound the same…

She groaned and rubbed her temples. As much as she wanted to see an end to the Sith attacks, she had to admit that signing up to join the Republic fleet hadn’t cracked up to be all that she had imagined… no pun intended. She’d hoped there would have been a bit more action and excitement… Technically speaking, it was a good thing that the Endar Spire hadn’t been caught in any battles since she’d come aboard, but is was damn sure boring.

She’d thought being in fleet would be more like those action flicks on the holovids, but so far it had turned out to be mostly paperwork. When they had checked into her background experience, the person recruiting had some bright idea she’d fit best in the cipher department…. Which seemed interesting at first until she realized that it was mostly hours upon hours of staring at screens of intercepted Sith messages searching for fragments of anything that might prove useful counterintelligence…

Her shift never seemed to end soon enough. When it was over, she grabbed her cup and made her way to the mess hall, disposing of it in a receptacle along the way. She wondered what she should attempt this time. Fleet food hadn’t sat well with her stomach, but she was also getting sick of ration bars. She’d not had any stomach problems in the past, but ever since coming aboard, she’d had the same issue. She wasn’t sure if it was the foot itself, or some sort of motion sickness. She was more inclined, however, to think it was the food.

She took a tray of something that looked like a stew with meat and vegetables in it, hoping she would fare better than she had with the bantha burger last time, which had made her violently ill. In a worst-case scenario, she had more ration bars stored in the footlocker by her bunk.

Gwen toked around for an empty seat in the mess hall and found one among a few of the fighter pilots. “Mind if I sit here?” she asked.

“Not at all,” the pilot said. “Haven’t seen you around before… you new?”

“Transferred onboard at Alderaan last week,” she said as she took a seat. “Name’s Gwen. Gwen Dakaal”

“Sergio Padawe. Good to meet you, Gwen. I didn’t think we were expecting any new transfers… What department are you in?”

“Cipher,” she said. “Picked up a lot of languages in my previous line of work. Guess the higher-ups thought it would put me in a good position for code-breaking. I assume you’re all pilots from the uniforms?”

“You’d assume correctly,” Sergio said. He began working his way around the table, indicating each of the pilots there. “This is Tony, Ben, Jane, Ricky, Thom, Jim, Terra, Bonnie, Tim, and Oliver.” A few of them muttered a hello or gestured before returning to their meals.

“Carth is the other fleet pilot, but he never hangs out with the rest of us lately. Caught up in business with those Jedi since they came onboard…So how are you liking the Spire so far?” he asked her.

“Well, to be completely honest, it’s a lot less exciting than I’d imagined it to be… especially in Cipher. I know it’s important work and all… but I was kind of hoping for a bit more action.”

“Hey, don’t go cursing the times between combat. Front lines are a dangerous place. This is a war, not a picnic. Oftentimes less action is a good thing…”

“Yeah, maybe…” she said, blowing on a spoonful of stew before popping it into her mouth. “What do you guys do around here for fun?”

“Well, some of us meet up with some of the ground soldiers for Paazak on Taungsdays. You’re welcome to come join if you play.”

“Can’t say I do, but I might come watch. Maybe one of you would be willing to teach me.”

“The more the merrier. We’ll expect to see you next time then. On that note, we should probably head out. It’s about time for inspections. We’ll see you around then. It was nice meeting you, Gwen.”

“Nice meeting you guys too!”

><><><><><

Carth Onasi followed along with the small company of Jedi onboard the Endar Spire. At their lead was Jedi Bastila Shan. Shan had become a rather recognized figure since the recent months of the war. She had a rare gift among the Jedi known as ‘Battle Meditation,’ which, from what he understood, worked as a way to inspire allies and cause fear and doubt in one’s enemies. The ability had come in very useful for the Republic in battle, but what Jedi Bastila Shan was most famous for was the recent incident involving Revan and Malak, the two Jedi who had turned on the Republic and initiated this new war.

It was due to her Battle Meditation that, three months prior, she had led a strike team of Jedi aboard the Vindicator, the flagship of Darth Revan, the leader of the Sith. During the strike, Darth Malak, Revan’s apprentice, had turned on his Master and Revan met his end in the duel with Bastila. Thus, Miss Shan was best known as the Jedi who killed Darth Revan.

Recently, the crew of the Endar Spire had been assigned to escort Miss Shan on a special mission from the Jedi Council. Little detail was given to the Republic military personnel about the mission’s details. Carth knew that they would be roughly plotting a course along some of the battles during the Mandalorian Wars, though he wasn’t completely certain why. The Jedi refused any specifics on the matter. He had been requested to act as a sort of ‘guide’ to the mission since he’d fought in many of the battles they wished to retrace along the Outer Rim. Even so, he was just as much in the dark about most of the goings on as the rest of the crew was.

They had requested many things when they came aboard… a quiet chamber for meditation, specifics about the route to be taken between the points of interest, the transfer into the crew of a new Cipher in the intelligence department… While Carth respected authority and knew how to take orders, working with the Jedi was beginning to be a bit of a pain. He only hoped it was worth the trouble for the Republic fleet.

“I want a full report on the battle history at each planet,” Bastila Shan said as they walked. “I’ve been told you served much in the earlier parts of the Mandalorian Wars and that consequentially you would be the best option in serving as guide on our mission.”

“I served in a lot of the early battles, yeah, but the planets on your list don’t match up with all of them. Fleet never had an opportunity to react to Flashpoint…” He glanced down at list of places in the datapad. Flashpoint, Suurja, Serocco… What was this, some kind of a tour? The Republic was at war, and it wasn’t his job to be playing tour guide to a bunch of Jedi on some sort of hush hush mission from the Jedi Council. He looked back up at the Jedi. “Cathar?”

“Yes,” Bastila said plainly. “Mister Onasi, you were not recommended to me for the purpose of questioning my authority. Rest assured, the Jedi Council believes that this mission could bring the end to the war that we have all been looking for. You need only to trust in their wisdom and their judgement on the matter.”

The Jedi had been a key factor in the Republic’s victory in the Mandalorian Wars, but the Jedi then had acted very differently than the Jedi now. While he never saw much of them personally, once those Jedi had officially entered alongside the Republic, they had been very directly involved, participating on the battle field and employing knowledge of tactics in positioning troops. They didn’t involve soldiers in secret Jedi Missions that seemed to have no direct connection to the effort. While the Jedi Bastila who was leading this group had an ability that might help them win a few battles, she was young, and her lack of experience made him question her ability to command troops. “There are good men and women onboard risking their lives for this mission. I hope that the Council’s wisdom takes that into consideration too,” Carth muttered to himself.

#knights of the old republic #Revan #revan carth #Female Revan #revan malak #revan x malak #revalek #Revanasi #KOTOR #kotoredit #star wars #star wars the old republic #fanfic #femrevanlives #female revan and carth

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nianthis22 · 3 years

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Chapters: 3/5 Fandom: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games), Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Comic), Star Wars Legends - All Media Types Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Carth Onasi & Female Revan Characters: Female Revan (Star Wars), Alek | Darth Malak, Carth Onasi, Saul Karath, Meetra Surik, Vandar Tokare, Zhar Lestin, Original Jedi Character(s), Mandalore the Ultimate, Canderous Ordo, Bastila Shan Additional Tags: Siblings, Alternate Universe - Siblings, Alternate Universe, Unrequited Love Series: Part 2 of The Mnenosyne Summary:

The story of Revan’s fall up to the beginning of the events of the game the Knights of the Old Republic, featuring a Female Revan. Ashla Meriwether’s journey to the Outer Rim to fight against the Mandalorians, and begins her descent into darkness. Moments of AU featuring a meeting between Ashla and Carth Onasi before her fall and taking the name of Revan.

Prequel / companion piece of the Mnenosyne.

Rated M because of violence/fighting

#the old republic #darth revan #revan #female revan #malak #darth malak #kotor #read on ao3

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thatwitchrevan · 6 years

Text

Mical tried to ignore the muttered swearing - he wanted to finish this reading before his free time was up and he was required to return to his dormitory. But the quiet, frustrated chatter didn’t cease, and just as he was beginning to feel frustrated himself another, calmer voice joined in with the first.

“Revan, you have got to calm down. The library staff is not going to be happy if you keep disturbing the peace.”

“Fuck the peace, Vrook is gonna have my head if I don’t finish this on time. I promised him.”

Mical sat up slightly, looking in the direction of the voices. Their source was obscured by the library shelves in between him and the main area of tables, but he was tempted to abandon his reading after all and seek them out. He knew of only one ‘Revan’ at the Enclave, and his curiosity would not allow him to ignore a chance to see her. She was so often on missions these days, and never came to observe the younglings. She apparently had no intention of taking an apprentice, which had greatly disappointed some of Mical’s peers.

“If you explained to him that you overextended yourself, I’m sure he’d give you more time.”

“Yeah, right. Master Vrook is always looking for a way to take me down. And then Arianna will tell me I should’ve used my time better, and Master Kae will just smirk at me like a smug old bat. I’d rather crash and burn than admit defeat at this point.”

Mical sat up further, listening with interest. One of the more curious things about Revanna Lin was the number of master who were invested in her training. She’d officially been apprenticed with Master Arianna Lien until knighthood (“A good enough master,” according Master Vandar), but it was Vrook Lamar who had brought her to the academy and watched over her, Zhar Lestin who had guided her on the path of a Jedi Guardian, and Master Arren Kae who fed her mind with philosophy and, according to some, discontent. All of this Mical knew simply from listening. The masters seemed always to be talking about Revan.

The conversation turned back to irritated muttering, so Mical stood and headed towards the speakers. He poked his head around the shelves he’d been sitting between, saw the two young knights a few tables down. One had dark skin and coily brown hair, and wore a frustrated expression. The other was Revan - pale, with black hair pinned behind her head, a serious and determined scowl aimed at the datapads in front of her.

Mical approached timidly, conscious of how small, how young he was. Still just a youngling, and this legend to be didn’t want a padawan; fair enough, and she wasn’t the master he wanted, either, but it meant she had no use for him, might have no reason to entertain his interest. He approached anyway.

Mical had no idea what to say, but before he could come up with something Revan had gotten frustrated again and slammed her hand lightly on the table. “Dammit!” she said, not even quietly this time. Her companion looked angry, but this late at night there was no one here but them, Mical, and the staff, none of whom were near enough to comment.

Revan sighed and then looked up at the intruder, her striking, light eyes piercing him. “Yes?”

Mical faltered, then bowed hurriedly. “Sorry, ma’am. Knight Lin. I just-”

“Revan is fine,” the knight interrupted.

Mical frowned, but of confusion rather than irritation. “Pardon?”

“No ‘miss’ or ‘ma’am’ or anything. You can call me Revan. And that’s Selena.” Revan gestured to her friend across the table, who reconstructed her irritated look into a warm smile for Mical. “And you are?”

Mical’s small hands shook. He so rarely spoke to the knights. And while only one was of particular interest to him, he was in admiration and fear of them all. “I - um, Mical. I’m Mical.”

Revan nodded. Her expression was bored, but not unkind. She relaxed in her chair with her arm resting on the pile of holobooks and regarded him. “So. Do you need something, Mical?”

“Uh..not exactly, Mi- Revan. I just. Wanted to speak to you. Uh, see if you need any help, maybe.”

He hadn’t intended to offer any assistance, and probably couldn’t, but he could think of no other excuse for speaking to her. And she did not seem the type to indulge the curiosity of young hopefuls.

She arched an eyebrow at him. “I’m doing a research project for Master Vrook. It’s to do with highly theoretical concepts on the Force. I’m not sure a youngling can help.”

Mical tried not to fidget his hands. Why had he done this? Talking to people was hard, especially adults. “I could try. I spend a lot of time in the library.”

Revan laughed, the sound soft and musical. “Clearly. Come here then, Mical.”

Mical hesitated a moment before walking toward her. There was something about her...she was just as strange as she was charming. He looked uncertainty at her companion, who shrugged as if to say she didn’t understand either.

Revan was looking down at him now, with how close he stood to her chair. In a few years, he’d be nearly as tall as her, but for now he was so small. “You’re Meetra’s hopeful, aren’t you? She’s told me about you.”

Warmth spread from the center of Mical’s chest. He’d wanted to be Surik’s apprentice for a time now, but he’d never imagined she might want him, too. And to talk about him to her friends, when his training would still be a couple years away! He found himself smiling. “What did she say?” he heard himself ask, and this time both Jedi laughed.

“She said if she decides to be a teacher, she wants you,” Selena told him, smiling. “She said if any of us take you from her, she’ll never speak to us again.”

“She doesn’t have to tell me,” Revan sighed. “No matter how much Vrook and Arianna nag, I’m not getting an apprentice anytime soon.”

“Oh but Revan, you’d make such a good teacher.”

“Please, I’m just glad I could help Alek get knighted. A kid is too much for me.” Revan picked up one of the datapads and showed it to Mical. “Alright kid, so here’s the thing. I’m supposed to be researching all these topics, and I’ve got most of them already. I uh, also spend a lot of time here. But it’s this last one I’m having trouble with. The only sources I can find on it aren’t in-depth enough.”

Bless Ashla, Mical recognized the term. “I have an idea,” he squeaked, and then rushed off to one of the shelves nearby. He returned with a heavy, older datapad and set it on the desk. “I think I read something about it in here. Check the contents table.”

Revan powered on the datapad and did as he said, and after a moment she made a soft noise of affirmation. “Yes, there’s a whole chapter here.” She opened the chapter and scanned it. “This is perfect, Mical. Thank you.”

She looked sideways at him and smiled. “You really study hard, don’t you.”

Mical nodded, perhaps a bit quickly. He flushed a little from embarrassment, but Revan didn’t seem annoyed. “Yes, ma- Revan. I love to read.”

“Good. That’s how I got where I am. Keep it up, and soon you’ll be a wise and well-read padawan.”

Mical beamed, a wave of hope washing over him, but there was still a tinge of cold anxiety underneath it. After all, no one had expressed any explicit interest in him to him, or to any of his teachers.

Revan frowned as if she could sense it. Maybe she could. “Don’t worry, Mical. You’re going to be a great Jedi. I promise.”

Revan closed the door to Meetra’s dorm a little more harshly than was necessary and turned a light frown on her friend.

Meetra was apparently just out of the shower, her short hair damp, and was sitting on her bed in her nightclothes. She looked up from cleaning the hilt as her lightsaber as Revan approached, brow raised as she waited for Revan to speak.

“You need to have a talk with your padawan.” There was an edge of frustration in her voice, a chill to her blue eyes.

Meetra’s expression became confused. “I have no padawan.”

Revan shook her head - she had no patience for Meetra today, it seemed. “You know who I mean. That little boy that practically worships you? The one we’ve all sworn off for you, once you decide to pay attention to him? I spoke to him today, and he had no idea you were intending to claim him.”

Meetra looked down at her lightsaber and sighed deeply. “I haven’t spoken to him because I did not wish to raise his hopes. I haven’t decided if and when I intend to train an apprentice.”

“Meetra, this is one of the brightest kids of his generation, and he’s being completely overlooked. I felt how anxious he was for you to choose him. And if you don’t, and he gets stuck with someone like Vrook? They’ll crush him, Meetra. All that creativity, all that spirit, all that hope could be ruined if the wrong person trains him.”

Meetra met her eyes with something that was almost a glare. “Why don’t you train him, then?”

Revan was not impressed. She stepped closer, her eyes genuinely angry now. “Do you think I have anything near the temperament to train some ten year old? I’d fuck him up! Which is exactly my point, Meetra; he doesn’t need just anyone. He needs you.”

Meetra looked at her weapon again, and consequently her hands. She finished polishing the lightsaber with the rag and set both aside on the bed next to her. “And what about the war? What if I leave before he’s ready to start training? Before I’m ready?”

Revan shook her head. “I don’t know Meetra. But you can’t just leave him hanging. He’s...he’s meant to be with you, Meetra. Can’t you tell?”

Meetra shrugged. “I don’t know what’s so special about me.”

Revan sighed and sat down next to her, on the opposite side of where her saber rested. “Then you’re not paying enough attention. Look, just go talk to him. Tell him you’re interested in training him, give the poor kid some hope. And don’t be afraid to get attached to him. It’s going to work out. I know it is.”

She looked at her friend. “Every time I think about how much time was wasted on Alek...I don’t want to see another kid go through that. He needs you. Maybe you need him and you just don’t know it yet. And the Council isn’t sending us to war anytime soon, so. You might as well start planning for the future.”

Meetra met her eye. “What about you?”

Revan shook her head. “Only future I’m worried about is getting this project back to Vrook so he doesn’t lecture my head off.” She patted Meetra’s leg and stood. “See you, Surik. Go talk to your padawan.”

Meetra almost backed out five times, but she managed to make herself wait outside Master Vandar’s class until the students started filing out. She caught sight of Mical and barely a second later he caught sight of her. The smile that split his face did the same to her heart - she’d forgotten how small he was, how much he adored her.

She waited until he came to stand in front of her. “Mical. Do you have a minute? I’d like to speak with you.”

Mical nodded eagerly, so she led him to the courtyard. She sat on one of the benches and he sat beside her, and then she realised she had no idea how to do this.

When she was eleven, she certainly thought twenty one was a mature age. Now, she wasn’t so sure. She didn’t feel like much of an adult, even compared to him. “Mical,” she started. She looked over and realized he was watching her, hanging on her every word. Force. “I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you sooner.”

His eyes shined at her, hope and worry fighting each other in his mind. Force.

“Ever since I met you, Mical, I’ve thought you were special. I believe my friends told you I had some interest in training you. And that’s true.” Hope was getting a leg up, but fear was smart enough to sense a ‘but’. “I’m still young, though, Mical, and you’re two years from being of age to train as an apprentice.”

Mical nodded, probably fighting to keep his expression neutral. Younglings always struggled with controlling their emotions - Meetra certainly had. “I understand.”

Meetra smiled, trying to be reassuring. “This isn’t a ‘no’, Mical. It’s merely that I don’t want to make any promises to you that I can’t keep. You’re special, and I would love to train you. But I can’t see the future even one step ahead of me.”

She fought down the lump forming in her throat. Chaos, yet harmony. The war may be raging terribly, but she had a place here. Maybe this was where she was meant to be, regardless of what happened. It’s where she wanted to be.

It was dangerous, to allow herself to imagine it. Training Mical, spending years with him and watching him grow, working with her friends and their padawans, going on relief missions and then coming home to calm, beautiful Dantooine. But the suffering outside their little, serene world was getting worse, and whatever the Council said she knew someone needed to intervene. What if she had to be that someone?

But Mical’s hope was wavering, and it killed her. Meetra sighed and touched his soft, bright hair. “Mical. My friend, please don’t be sad. I may not be able to see the future, but I believe in you. Even if I’m not here when your time comes, you’ll find your way. And as much as I can, I’ll be there for you.” Maybe if she couldn’t train him, she could come home after the war, while he was still an apprentice, and help him the way Zhar and Kae had helped Revan. If not a master, maybe she could be his mentor.

If she came home.

Mical nodded, and his storm of emotions moved her so much that she pulled the boy into a loose hug. He stilled from surprise, then wrapped his arms around her as she rested her hand on his back. “Remember, Mical, that your strength doesn’t come from other people. It comes from you. I may not be here to teach you, but you already have everything it takes to be a great Jedi. Just follow your heart, and trust in the Force. And trust in your own strength. It will not fail you.”

“I know you,” she said again, and this time she wasn’t planning to back down. Maybe he could tell.

He sighed, smiling patiently on the end of it, like he’d known he’d eventually have to explain himself. “My name is Mical. Perhaps that helps?”

Meetra frowned, her expression changing as she went through several different levels of confusion. She could see him holding back a laugh at the sight. “Mical? My Mical? From the Enclave?”

He nodded. “It’s been, well. A long time.”

She blinked. Her expression and thoughts were foggy, her brain still catching up. “You can say that again. Force, Mical.” She looked him over, as if only just now seeing him. He’d been frozen in her memory as a scrawny youngling with too-wide eyes. “You’re...grown up.”

He did laugh now, just a small chuckle escaping his resolve to be serious. “That does tend to happen, as time passes.”

Meetra grinned, slowly, the expression growing from her bewildered frown. “I suppose so. I’m not as young as I used to be, either.” She hesitated, then leaned forward, hugging him with enough hesitance that he could step back if he wanted. He didn’t. He held her to his chest with a fierceness she never would’ve expected from him.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” she told him. “I meant to be. I would have much rather trained you than do anything that I did. I wanted to train you, Mical, I just-”

“Shh.” His hand gently rubbed her back. “It’s nothing to apologize for. You were needed elsewhere. And I found my way, just like you promised.” He released her as she pulled back to disengage, smiling softly at her. “I’m very happy you survived, and I’m happy to follow you now, wherever you’ll go.”

Meetra shook her head, slightly. She still didn’t feel worthy of that responsibility, that trust. Didn’t feel equal to it, after everything that had happened.

But Force, if the galaxy was giving her a second chance with Mical, she was damn well going to take it.

#alright here's the whole thing cause i have no self control #i'm not tagging it bc i literally just wrote it #also the first part with padawan!mical is probably going to be in warrior's birth #and the second part with grown!mical is probably going to be in my k2 playthrough fic #griffin writes

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spectraspecs-writes · 2 years

Text

Alderaan - Chapter 117

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 116. Chapter 118.

A/N - yeah it's been three months, what are you going to do about it?

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

I try to hide the electrical burn on my neck. Controlling my fear while I’m awake is one thing. Trying to control it while I’m asleep is another. I can’t tell if they’re nightmares or memories, but either way I can’t make them stop. And when the lightning wakes me up, I can’t say I’m not relieved. Although I wish it didn’t hurt. I could heal the burn, either myself or have someone else do it, but I don’t want to. It’s a reminder that I need to do better.

But like I said the burn is on my neck, and it’s not exactly easy to hide. My hair has never been particularly cooperative, to my memory. Either Master Zhar hasn’t noticed, or he just hasn’t said anything. We’re at least doing something I’m good at - combat. I can focus on this. And Zhar isn’t holding back. It’s a good feeling.

His vibroblade locks with mine. He pushes down, hard. Then, “You’ve been having nightmares.”

Trying to distract me? Unsettle me? No idea. “So?” I drop out of the lock and dive under him. He pivots and meets my sword before I can strike. “I’ve never had an easy night in my life. It’s nothing new.”

“But the lightning is.” Dude, you could have just asked if I was okay. You didn’t have to judge my sleeping habits.He makes a broad swing. I duck away from it. “You are having difficulty controlling your fears at night.”

“At this point it’s either get shocked or don’t sleep - which one would you pick?”

He steps back, lowers his sword. The signal to stop. I lower mine. “There are options beyond those two,” he says, wiping his face.

“Yeah - manage the fear while I’m sleeping,” I say, catching my breath, “But lucid dreaming is a skill I don’t exactly have time to learn.”

“There are solutions beyond that, as well,” he says, handing me some water.

I scoff. “What do you suggest, a night light?” The problem is a bit bigger than that. I take a drink.

“No.” I didn’t think so. “Tell me, Rena, why have you opted to sleep here in the enclave?”

This isn’t you changing the subject - you’re connecting the two. Which is bullshit, I had nightmares on the Hawk, too. “A lot of reasons,” I say, “Which one are you asking for?”

He gives a small smile. “I’m sure you’re aware Bastila was reporting on your progress?”

“I had a hunch,” I say, “I knew I wasn’t reporting when we found Star Maps, so somebody must have, it made sense for it to be Bastila. And then with this revelation, I’m sure she was also seeing if I’d remember anything.”

“All wise assumptions.” I better not tell Carth. The idea that anyone was spying on us, no matter their intentions, would not sit well. “One of the things Bastila mentioned was the degree to which Commander Onasi put you at ease.”

Carth? Seriously? “You think Carth could stop the nightmares.” Are you for real?

“Or perhaps reduce their severity.”

Yeah, I don’t think so. “Well, you might want to update your records, because Carth might be leaving the ship after I blasted him, and I’m prepared to let him go.”

Is that confusion? On a Jedi Master’s face? “You… want him to leave?”

“No,” I say honestly, “But if he wants to… I won’t stop him.” I lean against the wall, start to take another drink. “Probably for the best, anyway,” I say softly, “Attachments.” I can feel a comment swirling around his head, so I stop him. “And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t comment on my personal relationships, thanks,” I say, “Thanks for the gesture, but I’ve got it handled.”

He gives a sort of nod that means “if you insist.” Yes, I do insist. If I think too much about it, I’m going to freak out, so thanks but no thanks. Back to business, please. “You seem to be having a better day today than you were yesterday,” he says, “Your thoughts and feelings are much better controlled.”

“I think I’m just going to have good days and bad days for the rest of my life,” I say, “Days when I’m normal and days when I’m not. Days when I can get up and do shit, days when that mask is just a piece of metal, days where I can think for twenty seconds without dwelling on Revan… and days when I can’t.” I have no idea what makes today better than yesterday. If it’s being here instead of the ship, if it’s the fact that I’m learning how to control the lightning, if it’s the dueling practice - I don’t know. Could be something completely beyond my control. But I can’t afford to spend the time I’d need to figure it out. I just have to muscle it down, and work on bad days. Can’t stop Malak by wallowing in depression. “I want to try to summon the lightning, build up some confidence. Once I can get it on command, then I can work on the voltage.”

Master Zhar nods - thankfully he knows I’m not eager to electrocute him, just taking baby steps - and puts his vibroblade away. I take a moment to tie my hair up tighter, since there’s no point in trying to hide the burn anymore. Take a few deep breaths. He’ll tell me how to start if I ask, but I want to see if I can figure it out myself. Chemistry was never my strong suit, but I learned enough to know that molecules can have an electrical charge, either positive, negative, or neutral, and electrons moving is what causes electricity. Focus small. Tiny, feel for the charge. Okay. I’ve got… something. Okay, Rena, just try to shift the charge…

Yowch! Good God. There was an audible clap the moment I tried to do it, it stung my fingers. “You’re trying an analytical approach,” Master Zhar says, “A fine idea, but ultimately flawed.”

“I figured that was the right way to go,” I say, “If the goal is to control my emotions, then --”

“Control them, yes, not silence them,” he corrects, “Force Lightning itself is an ability rooted in the Dark Side. Your emotions are critical, to create as well as control the lightning.”

I sigh. “Boy, when you guys say ‘there is no emotion, there is peace,’ you’re just fudging, aren’t you?”

He laughs a little. One day I’ll manage to get a full belly laugh out of this guy. “I can understand how it could seem that way.” Yeah, you don’t need to humor me. He comes closer and stands beside me. “A Dark Jedi will power his lightning using anger or hatred. He seeks to hurt and succeeds. But a charge can be generated through other emotions as well. Joy, sadness, boredom… I’d imagine hunger would work as well.”

Hu -- You -- “You’re joking, aren’t you?”

He smiles. “You aren’t the only one with a sense of humor.” Apparently not!

“So what emotion do you recommend I try?”

“That, I will leave up to you,” he says. Probably aware that he’s being unhelpful. He goes back to the opposite side of the training room, ready to take the lightning into his hand. Okay, deep breath, Rena.

What happened when I hit Canderous and Carth? Canderous had me agitated, he wanted me to reopen the link with Bastila after she closed me out so deliberately, plus I didn’t want to feel that pain again. He and Carth were arguing, and I hated it. Carth sounded like he’d lost me. Meaning he’d lost the person he loved. And that hurt. During all that my hands were sparking, but I didn’t lose control of it until… Until Canderous grabbed my arm. Why did that do it? I could probably beat Canderous hand to hand if I had to, plus he wouldn’t hurt me. I trust him. I know him well enough to know what he’d do. But in that moment, what was I thinking?

I hold up my hand to Master Zhar. Wait a moment, please. I sit down. I need to meditate on that exact moment. What was I thinking about? Focus, Rena, what was your goal?

… I wanted to defend myself.

No… not “wanted.” I needed to defend myself.

I can feel a dark morsel in my head. Not loud. It’s just simmering. But when I think about that moment, the moment Canderous grabbed my arm, it grows. It’s angry. Ever so gently, I probe the dark morsel. The place where Revan lives. I play the moment over. “Get your KRIFFING hands off me, Mando!” And then the lightning flew out of my hands.

I… I can understand Revan’s grudge against the Mandalorians. She fought them in the war, after all. Probably felt a lot of ripples in the Force, a lot of deaths at their hands. And Canderous was in the war, too. But I don’t hate him. And he doesn’t hate me.

“When I shot lightning at my friends, I was trying to defend myself,” I say out loud, “And I think I was trying to do the same when I fired it at you. I was afraid of being hurt.” Zhar nods. “But I’m capable of defending myself without being afraid, or without being angry. I trust my muscles to know what to do. I’m confident in my ability to keep myself safe.”

“Trust and confidence would be a fine place to start,” Zhar says, “But beware of pride and overconfidence.”

I scoff. “Believe me, there’s no chance of overconfidence with this.” I stand back up and ready myself. Zhar does the same. Deep breaths. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. Trust and confidence. I feel a small spark. That’s it, you’ve got this.

You can’t hurt him.

The spark grows. The bolts vibrate back through my veins. I reach my arm forward, and a jagged bolt comes out from my palm. It flies for Master Zhar, who catches it in his own hand. One, two, three seconds, and I relax my arm. The bolt stops. Master Zhar lets the charge dissipate, and smiles at me. “Well done, Rena,” he says, “You’re one step closer.”

Yeah. Good. “What was the charge on that like? Would that have hurt you if you hadn’t caught it?” I need to know. Before I get so excited I shock everything in sight.

“Wise of you to make that consideration,” he says, “Yes, the power behind that would have hurt someone unable to catch the attack. Because it was an attack, and that was how you meant it.”

“No, I didn’t want to attack you, I --”

“Recall your train of thought,” he interrupts, “Confidence, yes, but it was confidence in keeping yourself safe. Confidence in your power, confidence in your strength. In order to reduce the charge so the attack affects only machinery, you will have to approach it from a different angle. Confidence in something else, perhaps. Another skill.”

Or trust. It was confidence and trust. Because what skills do I really have, for sure? Fighting and droids. Revan wasn’t an ecologist. And my skill with languages is a Force thing. If I lean on my droid skills, I think I’d get distracted. So the thing to lean on is trust. And while I trust myself now, there’s no telling whether I will tomorrow. Or whether the dark morsel that is Revan will be so much more than a morsel. I have to trust something else. Search within myself to find something else to trust, someone else. Of course the perfect person is… but if he leaves… Best not. Even if he stays on the ship, that doesn’t mean anything for us, it just means he wants to stop Malak.

I trust the others, though. Mission, Zaalbar, Canderous, Juhani, Jolee, my droids. I trust my friends. Okay. Let’s give this another try. Focus. Visualize them in your head. Picture your friends. I trust them. I trust them. I try to play their voices in my head. Mission’s is the clearest: “Come on, Rena! You got this! I can’t wait to see it, it’s gonna be so cool!” Canderous is silent, but relaxed. Jolee tries to pretend he doesn’t expect anything, but he looks at me with a father’s pride. Juhani looks nervous for me. T3 quivers with anticipation. HK… actually, HK wants me to electrocute Master Zhar, so I think I have to disappoint him.

Just as before, the spark sputters between my fingers. Master Zhar sees and braces himself. Okay. Ready. I reach my arm out, and a jagged bolt comes out just like before. Master Zhar doesn’t move to catch it. He sure trusts me awfully fast.

His face is calm when the bolt hits him. Then a small grimace. Oh, no. Am I --? He grunts. Oh, God, tell me I’m not -- ! I lower my arm, before it gets any worse. “I lost it, didn’t I?”

He rubs his shoulder. “For a moment, yes,” he says, “For a first attempt, you started well, but something slipped away.”

And I wish I knew what it was. “Do not be hard on yourself,” Master Zhar reassures me, “You have achieved in a few hours what has taken others weeks or months. I am confident you will master this in short order.”

“I’m not, though,” I say, “I’m flexing muscles I’m not used to flexing. And I can do it today - what about tomorrow? Or the day after?” I sit down on the floor.

Master Zhar sighs and sits across from me. I think he’s looking for some way to reassure me. Some wisdom he can pass on. I can tell he’s got something he wants to say, but he’s still mulling it over. Until finally, “When Revan came to us as a youngling, she displayed a remarkable skill for foresight.” Now I see why he was mulling - trying to assess if it was safe to mention Revan. “While most, if not all, Jedi possess a sense about future events, Revan’s were often specific, and offered insights on events that would occur months or even years in the future. Once she was able to refine this ability, she made frequent use of it, especially during the Mandalorian Wars.”

So? “What’s your point? I don’t get those kinds of visions.” And… I wonder why not.

“The most important thing to understand with foresight is which events can be changed, and which ones cannot. Perhaps they are too large a scale - for example, a planetary assault; perhaps they are natural occurrences that cannot be affected by the actions of sentients - for example, a natural disaster.” Okay, makes sense. “It’s important to distinguish between the two, because as I told you, it does not do to dwell on things we cannot change.” I nod again. “Your abilities on any given day - whether each day will be good or not - are beyond your control. Tomorrow will happen as it will. Focus on your abilities today, and do the same tomorrow.”

“I’m not sure if I can just let shit go like that,” I start to say.

“You must,” he urges, “Or your mind will forever be cluttered by things you can’t change.”

That’s another thing to work on, then. For now, though, I need to figure out what went wrong. Why I lost focus. I take a deep breath. Close my eyes. Meditate.

I miss my best friend.

#star wars #knights of the old republic #kotor #fiction #autistic artist #specs writes stuff #kotor fic #rena visz #oc #fem!revan #ls!revan #zhar lestin #alderaan #chapter 117

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spectraspecs-writes · 2 years

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Alderaan - Chapter 115

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 114. Chapter 116.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma @strangepostmiracle thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

Master Zhar walks with me to a padded training room. A room that can take the lightning. In case the worst happens. “Before the attack on Dantooine,” he says, startling me as he breaks the silence, “we had already begun evacuating Jedi here to Alderaan. We knew it was only a matter of time before Malak laid siege to our enclave, and so we began preparations shortly after you left. By the time Malak began his attack, there were only a handful of Jedi left on the planet, myself included. I and a number of Jedi Knights elected to remain behind to ensure the last of the evacuees made it safely off-world.”

“None of the others wanted to stay and help?”

“We each took on different roles to ensure the evacuation went smoothly,” he says, “The choice to stay was mine, not one the rest of the Council forced on me.” I guess he knew what I was thinking. I’m not surprised the other Masters weren’t staying. But I hadn’t figured they’d leave Master Zhar to bear the brunt of the assault. “A handful of Jedi that returned from the Mandalorian Wars were piloting the evacuation shuttles and defending Dantooine against Malak’s orbital assault, while myself and the others remained to load the remaining shuttles and defend against any Dark Jedi that landed.”

“Dantooine was still attacked, though, you didn’t win.”

“We never intended to win. Our goal was to distract Malak and his forces long enough to evacuate the enclave. And thanks to our efforts, all of the shuttles made it safely off-world. Unfortunately, however, we were not able to evacuate everyone. Many of the Knights who stayed were unable to make it to the hangar in time.”

“You got away.” Saved your own skin, I see.

“To my shame, I did.” Shame? “Malak’s forces were greater than we anticipated. His concentrated attacks turned the enclave to ruins in a matter of hours. As we made our way to the last shuttle, several Knights were caught in the rubble and could not escape. I made the difficult decision to continue escorting the rest to safety.”

“Why ‘shame’?” I ask, “And why are you telling me this?”

“Death is merely one’s energy returning to the Force. Many of the lost Knights were Jedi I trained myself, and so we have a bond, not entirely unlike the bond you share with Bastila. But although I have meditated extensively since the attack, I have not felt them become one with the Force.”

“So they’re still alive?”

“I doubt it.”

The short and casual nature of the response surprises me. He doesn’t have a yes or no answer to this? Death is a binary state - you’re either alive or you’re not. “Am I missing something here?” I ask. And “I doubt it”? I’m so used to the masters telling me way more than is actually necessary, and being fairly certain about everything they say. The last thing I ever expected to hear from any of them is “I doubt it.”

“I fear Malak may be twisting their energy for his own nefarious purposes. Harvesting their life, preventing them from returning to the Force and using that energy for himself. To what end, I do not know.”

“But it’s one of those things where you hate to be right,” I say. He nods, opening the training room. It’s full of machines and half-busted droids. “I sort of get what this has to do with me, given that I’m going to end up stopping Malak. But what does it have to do with the lightning? Am I supposed to… what? Kill them for good? Even a mercy killing seems… I don’t want to use this on a person.”

“No,” he says, “If I am correct, there’s nothing more that can be done to their bodies. If I am correct, then all that stands in the way of their return to the Force is a machine. That, Padawan, is where you come in.”

“So I’m…” Gotta make sure I understand this. “… I’m going to use the lightning on… droids. Computers, stuff like that.”

“Your affinity for droids is a trait that you share with Revan,” he says, “I believe this is an ability that will come naturally to you.”

“How can the Force work on droids?” Like, I’ve used the Force on droids before, but I would push them or use the terrain against them. There was a middle man, so to speak. “The Force flows through all life, I get that, but droids aren’t alive, by definition.”

“Let’s start small, then.” Small. Okay. “I’m sure you’ve noticed the droids and terminals throughout the room. Choose one. It does not matter which.”

Okay. I shrug and pick out a small cleaning droid. I didn’t think to bring my toolkit, I didn’t think I’d need it. “Diagnose it, as best as you can,” Zhar says, pulling off his overtunic and sitting beside me.

“I don’t have my toolkit.”

“I understand. Please, just diagnose the problem.”

Okay then. Brushes are fine, optical sensors look good. Joints are a bit rusted. Some scarring around the power pack. “Looks like this guy got left out in the rain,” I say, “Water probably got in the power pack, zapped him. Replace the pack, oil the joints, retune the motivator, he’ll be right as… well, rain.”

He smiles a little at the pun. It was unintentional, but I’ll own it. “Why does water affect droids in this way?”

I shrug. “It’s not just droids, it’s anything electrical.”

“Why?” he asks again, “Surely you know.”

“On a basic level,” I say, scratching my neck, “There’s something to do with the polarity of the molecule, affecting the charge, and something to do with chemical reactions, and something about dissolved minerals.” I rub my head a bit. “If you want more detail, I’d have to read up on it. Chemistry has never been my strong suit.” As far as I know, anyway.

“So the water affects the flow of electricity.” Pretty much. “And the disrupted flow changes the current that flows through the machine.” Basically. “Rena, tell me, have you been hit by Force Lightning before?”

“Yeah,” I say. The memory of the pain ripples through me. “It takes the wind out of me, that’s for sure. And when it hits… I always feel stiff, like everything in me becomes rigid.”

He nods. “Our bodies, much like droids, are controlled by a complex series of weak electrical charges. These charges affect everything from our nerves to our muscles. Force Lightning introduces a very strong charge, and disrupts the flow of our bodies’ own electrical charges. And we react much the same way a droid does.”

Wait, whoa. “You’re telling me life is just electricity?”

“For our purposes, yes,” he says, “Like most things, life cannot be explained in such simple terms.”

Okay. Let’s just… let this sit for a moment. Process this. “So you’d just have me use the lightning on droids. But what happens if I hit a person? It would still hurt the same, still affect the electrical currents the same.”

He stands, and I follow his lead. “This is where focus, control, and discipline come into play. You focus on your target, control your feelings, and then, and only then, direct the current. Do you trust me, Rena?”

I-- “No.” It comes faster than I expect, but it’s also the truth. I don’t trust him, or any of the Council. I used to. But that was last week. I had my suspicions of them, sure, but I trusted that despite their secrets they wouldn’t lead me astray. They wouldn’t harm me or put me in unnecessary danger. But I don’t know about today. No. I don’t trust him.

He nods in understanding. “Fair enough. Do you trust, then, that I will not harm you?”

That, I’ll accept. Because hurting me now would be stupid. The Council needs me to accomplish its ends, which it so obviously cares more about than the means. I nod. Master Zhar takes a few steps back and closes his eyes, breathing deeply. He holds out his hand, and his red Twi’lek fingers take on a blue glow. The lightning. No. Bastard! I can’t move in time, and the glow hits me. I flinch, trying to brace myself against it, but… It doesn’t hurt. My muscles relax. In fact… it tickles. It’s not lightning. But it is! He lowers his hand, and it stops. “Were you hurt at all?”

“No.” I wasn’t. “How did you do that?”

“That is precisely what you will learn.” He indicates a functioning terminal near the door. “Confirm for me that terminal is functioning.”

Uh, okay. I step over to the terminal, press a button to activate it. Yeah, works just fine. I nod at Master Zhar. He takes another breath, raises his hand. The glow appears again. First, he focuses it on me. Feels just the same. Then, he angles his hand towards the terminal. It sputters and smokes the second the shock hits it, and the once functioning terminal is not as dead as that cleaning droid. He lowers his hand again, and the lightning stops. It was the same shock. The same shock that tickled me fried this terminal. But how? It’s just a weak charge! “How are you doing that?” I ask again.

“Just as I told you, focus, control, and discipline.” That sounds too easy. I can control my emotions, but I can’t do that. I can’t stop the lightning, or even start it, on command. “Surely you understand the importance of control, Lord Revan.”

What did he just say? Did he just--? “Or have your once-keen senses dulled in the months after your capture?” What the hell is this? “But perhaps you have never been in control. After all, you could not even keep your own apprentice in line.” Every word drips with pure acid. How dare you? How dare you do this to me? Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to do this? “Or perhaps you are choosing the easy route again, Revan. Just as I suspected.”

“Why are you saying all this? I thought you wanted to help me.” I reach where my lightsabers should be, but I didn’t bring those either. I didn’t expect to be attacked.

“Perhaps you are beyond help,” he fires, with words that cut, “Perhaps the Council was wrong to spare your life, Revan. A kath hound cannot change his colors.” Shut up. Shut up. Level head, Rena, don’t lose your composure. But I hate him. I hate him! “You are no different now than you were before. It is only a matter of time before you betray us again. Before you betray the Republic. Forcing your friends to either follow you or perish.” No. No! I hate you! “I almost wonder who will and won’t follow. The Mandalorian, the hermit, the Wookiee, the Republic pilot…”

No. No! No!

In an instant the lightning flies from my fingers at Zhar, but he takes it all into his hand. “How could you say any of that?!” I scream at him, “I would never betray my friends! Who the hell do you think you are? I’m not like Revan!”

He waits. Lets the lightning disappear from his hands, dissolving into nothing. Waits for me to calm down. But I won’t. I won’t. “You need to let go of your fear, Rena,” he says softly, in that infuriatingly calm voice, “Remember, there is no emotion, there is peace.”

Peace? Peace? I am so goddamned sick of peace! “I’M NOT AT PEACE!” I shout, “Everyone expects me to just get over this and get back to work, but none of you have to deal with this! None of you know what it’s like to have a goddamned Sith Lord living in your head, seeing memories that aren’t your own, not even knowing who you are anymore or what you’re even capable of! None of you know what it’s like to have a few words ruin your entire life! None of you have to cope with that!”

He sits on the ground again. Meditating. Meditating? Say something! How can you just sit there? “Peace, Rena.” Goddamn it! You and your goddamn peace! Peace is a lie! “Do you not even realize how easily your passions were manipulated? How easily I controlled your fear, your anger, to provoke a response you could not control? And I am your ally.” Allies don’t do that! “Imagine how quickly you could have been overpowered by an enemy. You must learn to control your emotions. Your anger is proof of that. If you cannot control your emotions, you will hurt your friends. And you will find the lure of the Dark Side to be even stronger.” No. No, I can’t let that happen. “Even your fear of losing control could lead you further down the dark path. Here you are safe to release your power - you cannot hurt me - but it is important you learn control before you leave here.”

He only provoked me to help me. Pretty perverted thing to do, honestly. But I understand. Because I couldn’t control my response. I take a deep breath and sit down in front of him. Just breathe. Just breathe. “How do we start?” I ask, trying to speak softly.

He nods. “Your focus is impeccable.” That’s a surprise to hear. “... when it needs to be.” There it is. “During saber training and battle practice, your focus was always remarkably sharp. That will serve you well here, and there is little I could do to improve it.” Okay. “I am aware of your objections to the first part of the Jedi Code. And as it bears relevance here, that is where we shall begin. Emotions.” Emotions. Okay. “Do you remember your interpretation of the Code before you left Dantooine? Your analysis touched upon a key point.”

I take a moment to remember. Zhar had asked me the Jedi stance on love, solely by the text of the Code. “I said that the Code wasn’t telling us not to feel, but simply to be aware of our feelings. To approach things rationally, not just emotionally.”

“Correct,” he says with a nod, “Our feelings can cloud our judgement and lead us astray. One of the most dangerous feelings is fear.”

“Fear can be useful, though.”

“True. Fear keeps us from risking our lives needlessly, from throwing ourselves into dangerous situations. But fear can also spiral out of control. Over time, fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering.

“You are afraid of Revan.”

He just stops. Doesn’t say anything else. The shortness is surprising, but he’s not wrong. After a moment in the silence, he stands and walks over to a chest on the wall near the door. He opens it and pulls out an object concealed in a shroud. Then he sits back down, slowly unwrapping the shroud. “I’m sure you recognize this.”

No.

No, that’s the mask.

That’s… Revan’s mask.

The slit where the eyes would be feels like it gazes into my heart, paralyzing me. I can’t move, even though I desperately want to get away. I don’t want any part of this. Stop. Stop it, I don’t want to see that. I don’t want to be anywhere near that. “Do you want to touch it?” Zhar asks.

“No,” I say quickly, “Put it away, please.”

“There is no need to fear it,” he says, “It is your mask.”

No it’s not. No, that’s Revan’s. It’s not mine, it’s Revan’s. But I’m… No, I’m not. I’m not. I am. But I’m not. “You cannot change who you were, Rena. This mask is simply that: a mask. For many years it was a part of your identity. But the only power it has is the power you give it. The mask cannot hurt you.”

“I can’t do this.”

“You can’t do it yet,” he emphasizes, and then he wraps the mask back in the shroud and takes it back to the footlocker. “And you will not today. But soon you will be able to look at the mask and control your fear. You must accept that you are Revan, but Revan does not need to define you.” Deep breaths. Deep breaths. You don’t have to do it today. “Your fear of your former self has become wrapped and tangled in anger. Anger at Malak for attacking you. Anger at Bastila for lying to you. Anger at myself and the Council for deceiving you. And of course, anger at yourself for being who you are.

“We should not have deceived you. But it does not do to dwell on things we cannot change. In all honesty, I was angry at the other masters for their decision. As I said, I believe we should have told you. But my anger would neither change their minds, nor would it help you. You are Revan. But it does not do to dwell on things we cannot change.

“And you hate us. Don’t you?” I don’t say anything. “Your hatred radiates off you like heat from a star. And one does not need to be a Jedi to feel your hatred. That is why your friends have kept themselves at arm’s length.”

“How do you know that?”

He doesn’t answer the question. “You hate the Council for our lies. And you hate yourself for the harm you caused as Revan. The anger and hatred you feel towards yourself is leading to your own suffering.”

“I have to make it right,” I say quickly. Not even aware I said it at first. “I have to make things right.”

“I understand,” he says, “It is only natural to regret the harm done. But tell me, how does your suffering alleviate the suffering of others? You can seek to repair the damage, but you cannot retroactively prevent it. Your own pain cannot prevent or alleviate the pain of another. You must let go of your anger and your hatred. Control your fear, and you can control the lightning.”

Control my fear, control the lightning. But -- “That seems too simple.”

“If it were simple, you would not need my help.” Well, that’s true, I guess. “But you are correct in that controlling your fear is only the first step. It is, however, the most important. Once you can summon Force Lightning at will, then we can turn our attention to its intensity.” I have to assume he knows what he’s doing. After all, if he can do it he can teach it. “Sit and meditate with me. Meditate on your fear. Acknowledge your emotions.” I’ve been acknowledging them, I thought. Or maybe not. I don’t really know. “Time is of the essence. We should begin.” Right. The sooner we start, the sooner we finish, the sooner the war ends. The sooner all this can stop.

#knights of the old republic #star wars #kotor #fiction #autistic artist #specs writes stuff #kotor fic #rena visz #oc #fem!revan #ls!revan #zhar lestin #alderaan #chapter 115

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spectraspecs-writes · 2 years

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Alderaan - Chapter 113

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 112. Chapter 114.

A/N: not only has my left wrist been hurting off and on for weeks, I also got my covid booster in my left arm yesterday. That has made typing and, well, pretty much every task with my left hand fun to say the least. But I finally have the motivation to type so I'm just coping.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma @strangepostmiracle thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

Rena's really having a hard time with all this. It really doesn't matter who she used to be, you know? It matters who she is now. And Rena is a really good person. She's always so nice to people unless they're mean to her. I don't even know how Carth can think she's changed! She's the same person we've always known.

We've been giving her space for now, though. Jolee said there should always be someone near her just in case, and I tried to be there yesterday, but I couldn't stay awake. I ended up sleeping in the other quarters where the guys usually are, and I guess it's a good thing I did. When I went in there this morning to check on Rena, my bunk was broken right in half. Canderous said it happened because Rena blasted him and Carth with lightning by accident. I didn't even know she could do that! I kinda wish I had seen it, you know? I've never really seen Force Lightning. I guess it's kinda scary, though, because Carth doesn't even wanna be in the room with her. I don't blame him or nothin', but also… I don't know. I guess I'm a little confused why he was even in the room with her after the Leviathan. He was so mad the last couple days, like he was blaming Rena for something she had no control over.

But like, if he's scared of the lightning now, I get it. I think it would be cool, but Rena doesn't want anyone around, she doesn't want to hurt anyone else. So Jolee asked the Jedi if Juhani and me can stay in the Enclave until Rena feels better, and they said okay.

I didn't really see much of the enclave on Dantooine. Like I was there, and Big Z and I got food from the cafeteria, but there really wasn't a lot to do since I'm not a Jedi. But on Dantooine the enclave was really the only place around that wasn't a farm or somebody's house. The enclave on Alderaan is in the middle of a city so there's a lot going on. There's little stores and restaurants and stuff. It reminds me of Taris a little, except the people here are so much nicer. The Jedi are a little stuck up, but I can deal with that.

They put me and Juhani in one room by ourselves, instead of in a room with the Jedi in training. She seems kinda uncomfortable, I guess. Like, she doesn't even take a minute to get comfortable. She just sets down her stuff and leaves. I know we won't be staying here for a long time, but I like to get familiar with a room, you know? I guess it's just habit, finding all the exits and stuff. I know I don't need to do that here, but it's a hard habit to break.

I'm just looking out the window when I hear a knock at the door. Another Twi'lek? Cool. I almost thought I'd be the only on here. I mean, I haven't met a lot of Jedi, but all the ones I have seen are human, you know? And I know he's a Jedi because he's wearing a lightsaber. "If you're looking for Juhani, she left a little while ago," I tell him.

"Thank you," he says, "but I wasn't. My name is Zhar Lestin. I am one of the masters on the Jedi Council."

"I'm Mission, nice to meet you." Hang on a sec. I know that name. I think. "Were you one of the Jedi on Dantooine?"

He has a soft smile. "Yes, I'm sure Rena mentioned me," he says, "I was one of the masters who trained her."

Right! I remember now! "Yours is the only name she mentioned, I guess she likes you a lot."

"I'm glad to hear it," he says, "I came to see if you were settling in all right. When Jolee informed us you and Juhani would be staying here, and why, I thought it would be wise to check in on you."

"Oh, thanks!" I say, "I'm doing okay. I don't know about Juhani, though. Can… can I tell you something private?"

"Certainly," he says with a small shrug.

"Promise you won't tell anyone?"

"I promise."

"I think…” I say softly, "I think Juhani has a bit of a crush on Rena." Juhani wouldn't like it that I know. And she wouldn't like me talking about it either. "So I think she's having a hard time with this whole Revan thing."

"I see," he says simply, still with his soft smile, "And how do you feel about it?"

"Me? I don't think it really matters. She's not Revan anymore, she's Rena. It doesn't really matter who she used to be."

He nods. "That is very wise of you," he says, "The self is a fluid concept. Who we are in the here and now is the best metric of our identity." Uh… okay, sure. He means that I'm right, though, right?

"I don't think Rena believes that, though," I say, "She's taking it really bad. But she's a good person. You guys know that, right?" It's really important that they know that. She's not any different because of this. it doesn't matter who she used to be, she's Rena now. I saw yesterday when Carth called her Revan, she hated it. Like, it really hurt her. When he was all like "none of us can trust you," she agreed with it, she believed it. But she's still the same person now.

Master Zhar smiles again. "I can see you care for her a great deal," he says, "I believe you, Mission. I know she's still a good person. That is precisely what I want her to see."

"I don't know if she wants to listen to you guys," I say, "but good luck. Really." Taking a break is nice and all, but it would be even better if Rena could actually enjoy it. She's the one going out every time to find the Star Map. She's the one who really needs a break, but she's so caught up in this whole thing that she can't take it. Master Zhar nods, and he leaves. I hope he can help Rena. She needs it.

----

The last place I want to be right now is the Jedi Enclave. I didn't particularly enjoy being there on Dantooine. The Jedi were polite enough on the surface, I suppose, but they also had this unmistakable air about them. Like they were judging me, at least a little. Would a little humility kill them? And it’s not any different here. In fact, it actually feels a little worse. I doubt anyone knows everything that happened on the Leviathan, but they at least know about Bastila. And they;ve probably connected the destruction of Dantooine to us. They don’t blame us, but they know we’re connected. And I don’t think it’s just the Jedi from Dantooine who feel that way either. This enclave was here before the enclave on Dantooine relocated here. The Jedi who were already here now have to contend with the Jedi from Dantooine. And they’re not happy about it. They hide it well enough around other Jedi, but it’s clear as a bell to me. It’s clear the Jedi don’t want me here, and I’m more than happy to oblige that.

Alderaan is a planet of artisans and politicians. It’s a peaceful planet, and one of the founding members of the Republic. It’s almost untouched by war. Any scars it may bear are thousands of years old, and it’ll probably be several thousand more before it gets any new ones. I almost feel out of place here. I’ve been at war for the past… nearly ten years. Even now, the past several months haven’t exactly been a vacation. We’re not in active combat all the time, but I’ve always got to be on my toes, especially around Jedi. Blaster fire could break out at any moment, from nearly any side. The only time you’re safe is on the Hawk. Or… you were until yesterday.

I still can’t believe it. I can’t believe Rena shot lightning at me. She’s used the Force on me before, but never to hurt me. It’s never hurt. And she asked, both times, before using it, which is more than anyone else would have done. She never learned Force Lightning as long as I’ve known her, but Revan probably knew it, and she’s Revan now so she has to know. I have to assume she meant to hurt me, but that’s not the person I know. Or…. knew. This is all confusing.

I sit down at a table outside a restaurant. When a server comes by I order some caff, but I don’t really want it. I just… need to think. Maybe I should go back to the fleet. Yes, stopping Malak is the most important thing, and this is the most effective way to do that. But I don’t think I can stay and deal with this. I should hate her. There are so many reasons to hate her. Telos, for starters. Revan wasn’t personally responsible for the destruction of Telos, but Malak was on the end of her leash. So she was responsible for Morgana’s death, for the Sith getting their hands on Dustil. Revan betrayed the Republic, and took a lot of good people with her. And that’s just what I know about. Any one of the Jedi here could probably list more crimes Revan committed just off the top of their head! I should hate her. I- I should. I do. I do hate her.

Out of nowhere a shadow comes over me. “Commander Onasi, would it be alright if I joined you?” Zhar. One of the Jedi Masters, the one who trained Rena.

I can’t help but be angry on her behalf, as well as my own. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I say coldly.

He nods. “I do not wish to impose, but I felt it would be prudent to speak with you.”

Speak with me? I scoff. “I got the impression the Jedi Council wanted nothing to do with me. I’ve been just as much a part of this mission as Rena and Bastila, but every time you called them in, you sent me away like I was insignificant. If it wasn’t for me, Rena would have died on the Endar Spire, I could have taken that last escape pod for myself and saved my own skin.”

“But you never would have,” he says without a moment of hesitation, “You are a decorated soldier, and you would never leave someone behind. You are already so overwhelmed with trauma and guilt that sacrificing anyone would be unthinkable.”

And here we go again. “Look, I don’t need to be analyzed, thanks. And I certainly don’t need some Jedi telling me how I feel. I really think it would be best if you leave.”

He sighs and nods again. “I sincerely apologize. It was not my intention to antagonize you. I simply care for Rena’s well-being, and I felt that, as our interests aligned in that respect, you were the one I should speak to. But I will not force myself on you.”

“Hang on,” I say, before he can step away, “What do you mean ‘our interests align’? Why do you think I care about her more than the others?”

“Perhaps that would be wise to discuss as well. May I?” He asks to sit again. Sure. I need to hear this. “As I’m sure you’re aware, Bastila was aware of Rena’s true identity from the beginning.” I nod. “To that end… we were concerned that, should Revan’s memories resurface, her behavior would change for the worse, although we did not know how it might change. Bastila was regularly contacting us, reporting Rena’s actions.” So? I mean, yeah, that’s bad that Bastila was basically spying on us, but that doesn’t answer my question. Zhar looks a bit uncomfortable. “To be as delicate as possible…” he says hesitantly, “… Bastila informed us that you and Rena are… quite close.”

Oh, for the love of --! “How ‘close’ did she say we were?”

He still looks uncomfortable. “Her last transmission was three days ago, the day before Malak captured her.”

And we’d just slept together the night before. Great. Fantastic. Rena said she’d have her objections to it but I doubt she knew how right she was. “Please understand, Bastila was doing as we ordered. I know that doesn’t make it right--”

“You’re damn right it doesn’t.”

“-- but I hope it’s at least somewhat of a comfort that she had no malicious intent. In fact, she spoke quite highly of you.”

I scoff again. “You could have fooled me.”

Zhar shakes his head. “I can’t speak for her reasons, but it is not Bastila I wish to speak of.”

“No, you came here to talk about Rena,” I say quickly, “What makes you think I want to hear anything the Council has to say?”

“I have not come on behalf of the Council.” Oh? This ought to be good. “The other members of the Council did not take the time to know Rena as I did, and thus I believe their understanding of the situation is incomplete. The others are content to simply let Rena come to terms with her identity on her own. I could not convince them that was the wrong course of action, but neither could I accept their judgment on the situation.” Their judgement. They just want to leave her, leave all of us, in the dark. The blind leading the blind. Rena’s not coping. She’s not coming to terms with this on her own. “I knew this transition would be difficult. I wished to help.”

Well… okay, at least he’s being halfway decent. It’s damned insensitive of the rest of the Council to just abandon her like this. Like they only care about her if she’s advancing their goals. The fact that she’s dying inside doesn’t matter to them at all. And the fact that at least one of them cares about her now is good. He wants to help her through this and she needs it. But the fact remains that they all made the decision to hide it from her and the rest of us in the first place. In fact, I get the impression that they never would have said anything if they didn’t have to. If Malak hadn't said anything, they would have kept their secret forever. “She’s not interested in anything you have to say, either,” I say, making no effort to hide how angry I am, “She’s not interested in hearing from any of us, but she definitely doesn’t want anyone from the Council around.”

Zhar nods. “I was afraid of that,” he says, “I’m sure she feels it’s for the best to isolate herself, but in fact it will only make matters worse. Alone with only her thoughts, who knows what could surface? Rage, hatred, thoughts of revenge - her troubled thoughts and emotions are precisely the soil the Dark Side needs to sprout and flourish.”

No. It wouldn’t. She wouldn’t. Would she? I don’t know. She’s not the Rena I know anymore, is she? I don’t know her, I don’t know who she is now. She might fall. There’s darkness in her, I know there is. I’ve seen it. “I understand she may not accept my help,” he says, “but I am certain she will accept yours. It is crucial that you remind her not of who she was, but who she has become. When you see her rage, when you see something of Revan in her, remind her of what she has learned. Remind her of the Jedi Code. There is no emotion, there is peace.”

I can’t help but laugh. That is without a doubt the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Not only will that not calm Rena down, it would probably make things worse. Reminding her of the Jedi Code? All that would do is remind her of everything she’s been through, remind her that she had to have her mind erased in order to be redeemed, remind her of all the lies she’s been fed. “If I’d said that last night, she probably would have conjured more lightning than she already had. Are you trying to kill me?”

“Lightning?” he repeats. Was-- was that the only word of that you caught? Did you miss everything else I said? “What do you mean?”

I shrug a little. “She got upset, fired lightning at me that sent me across the room, it hurt like hell, and reciting the Jedi Code would have only made it worse. I’m not eager for that.”

“Please, could you describe it for me?”

No, I can’t believe you don’t know what it looks like. “It’s the same damn Force Lightning all the Dark Jedi use, I know you know what it is!”

Good, now he looks appropriately horrified. “It is already worse than I feared. I must speak with her at once.” He stands up.

“I already told you, she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, least of all you or anyone else from the Council,” I say, “If you want to get yourself shocked, be my guest, but I don’t want to see her join the Dark Side anymore than you do, and --”

“That is precisely what I am trying to prevent,” he interrupts, “Thank you, Commander Onasi. You may have saved her.”

----

I hear a knock at the door. Which tells me it’s not one of the others trying to make peace with me. I know - I would feel it if it was one of them first, before they gathered the nerve to open the door. Feel their own conflicted feelings about all this. Am I really Rena, their friend, their ally, anymore? Or has Revan tainted everything? I don’t even see how it’s a question. Revan has ruined everything. And then, once they’ve gathered the courage to look me in the eye, then they open the door. But even then they can’t yet bring themselves to be in the same room, so they just stand there in the doorway at first. Carth hasn’t even done that since yesterday - he’s been keeping himself just outside the door. Like he’s keeping guard, making sure I don’t leave in the dead of night and betray the Republic again. Even he’s not out there now, though. Like he’s given up on me.

But this is not one of the others. I can’t feel anything. Well, I can't feel any of them. I do feel someone, I just don’t know who. But they’re waiting. Waiting for me to say something. I don’t want to see anyone. Certainly not some stranger from Alderaan. “Leave me alone,” I say.

The door opens. Of course they didn’t listen. “I think you have been alone enough, Padawan.” Wait, Master Zhar? I turn a little to look. There in the door. One of the people who did this to me. “I only wish we were seeing each other under better circumstances.”

“You didn’t have to come,” I say, “In fact, you shouldn’t have.” I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to see any of them. I’m angry. And I can’t stop myself from being angry. I don’t want to do anything else I’ll regret.

“You’re mistaken,” he says, “I had to come. The other masters would rather I leave well enough alone. But they did not work with you as closely as I did. Beyond a few passing, cursory encounters, they never got a chance to know you, Rena.” Who is there to know? Rena doesn’t exist, she never did. “They knew Revan, but you are not Revan.”

No. No. Don’t lie. “Don’t lie to me,” I say, turning over, sitting up, “Don’t lie to me now that I know the truth. I remember, I saw myself. I am Revan. That’s the whole point of all of this! Malak may have jostled the memories free, but they were always there. Guiding my every decision, leading me to every Star Map. You couldn’t hide it forever.”

“No,” he agrees calmly, “I only wish you could have learned under better circumstances. Perhaps then, under our guidance, you could have come to terms with your identity. Perhaps in time you could have come to understand why the Council came to the decision it did.”

“Don’t act like you’re separate from them - you’re on the damn Council!” I’m not stupid! “You were right there with them when they decided to do this to me! You’ve lied to me enough!”

He’s still so calm. So infuriatingly calm. “Your feelings are certainly valid,” he says, like I needed validation, “but your understanding is incomplete. The Council may act as a unit, but our decisions are not reached free of conflict. I did not wish to hide your identity from you on Dantooine. As you were training, I came to learn much about your character. I believed that we should tell you of your former life before we sent you away. Stopping Malak was not more important than your understanding and your well-being. They disagreed, and overruled me.”

“You could have gone against them, told me anyway. You didn’t have to keep me in the dark.”

“Do you truly think that would have been wise?” he says, “The Council was already facing a war on one side. To have a conflict within as well as without would have clouded our vision, making it easier for Malak to advance. And what of your own focus? Before you became aware of your identity, your focus was singular. You were to locate the Star Maps, find the Star Forge, and stop Malak. And in less than two weeks, you were more than halfway done with that task. This revelation has only divided your focus. Had I gone against the will of the Council at that time, you would have received no time to recover or come to terms with the truth. You would have been second-guessing your every move, just as you are now.”

I don’t say anything. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to look at him anymore. Master Zhar sighs. “But I did not come here to argue with you, Rena,” he says, “I came to help you.”

“I don’t want your help,” I say. I can feel the lightning crackling between my fingers. I cover up my hands, trying to muffle the sound.

“I understand,” he says, “but it’s clear you do need it. Your friends have told me what is happening to you. And even though they don’t understand the Force as you or I do, they are still deeply concerned for you. Force Lightning is a dangerous ability. Even more so if you don’t know how to control it.”

“I don’t want to control it!” I say firmly, “Don’t you get it? I don’t want this power, I just want it to go away.” I clench myself tightly. Trying to get it to stop. “I will never use Force Lightning. I will never hurt anyone like that.”

“Unfortunately, you already have.” Carth and Canderous. “Thankfully, your friends are none the worse for wear, but the longer this ability goes unchecked, the greater the consequences will be when it is finally unleashed. This ability has manifested itself now because you are afraid, and it will continue to feed on you for as long as you let it. I can teach you to harness it, to control it, but it will never go away.” No. They’ve lied to me before, who’s to say he’s not lying to me now? I can do this on my own. “I will not force you to accept my help, but it is still available should you change your mind.”

“Get off my ship,” I say, my voice shaking beyond my control.

“As you wish,” he says simply. Maddeningly calm. He stands and leaves. I don’t need their help. I don’t want their help. I’ve already been on the receiving end of it, and look at the effects! It’s their “help” that got me into this mess. I can do this on my own.

#knights of the old republic #star wars #fiction #autistic artist #kotor #specs writes stuff #kotor fic #rena visz #oc #fem!revan #mission vao #carth onasi #zhar lestin #alderaan #chapter 113

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