#you know how deluded you have to be to ME
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"These fatal fantasies giving way to labored breath— Taking all of me. We've already done it in my head. If it's make-believe, why does it feel like a vow we'll both uphold somehow?"
Author's Note: Reader is 19. Gojo is three years older.
You know how you have people you call aunt and uncle but you aren't actually related to them? And they're just really good friends with your parents? That's what Satoru's parents were to you. Your mothers were close since they were children and they both pursued modelling as they grew older. While your mom eventually retired from the game and chose a more quiet life with a kind lawyer for a husband, your Aunt Arisu became a famous supermodel and married into a family of old money— the Gojos.
And though your mom got married much earlier since she retired from modelling first, your Aunt Arisu got pregnant right off the bat after her wedding. She was a spoiled little thing, too, always calling for your mom and not so much her husband when her cravings and hormones reared their ugly heads. She often chided your mom to give her child a playmate, but not too late. She hoped to have a pretty daughter so they could wear fancy matching clothes.
Aunt Arisu's son Satoru was three years old when you were born. And while he wasn't the daughter she pined for, she loved him so, so much because he was just as pretty as she always hoped for. He was present when you were born, locked in his mother's arms as she held him out to take a peek at you.
...The story never gets old. Your mother and Aunt Arisu would always be laughing as they got drunk on their sweet wine every two weeks or so, and your family's kitchen was still a mess after hosting dinner for the Gojos again. Your fathers were drinking whiskey and smoking their expensive cigars on the front porch, talking about current affairs and stocks if you knew. And Satoru...
Well...
He was always welcome in your room. He always brought his own toys to play with and sometimes played with yours, too. Satoru was like the older brother you never had, and he was always so sweet to you... That is until you turned sixteen and suddenly, he was way too good for you to hang out with.
You didn't see much of him in the last three years, but you always knew where he was— on the cover of your favourite teen magazine, that soda commercial on TV, fronting promotional material for high-end clothing and expensive mobile phones on social media... All of that made sense. He's the son of modelling royalty, after all. Your childhood friend was the nation's sweetheart now and you're probably just a girl in his boyhood memories.
You didn't bother showing yourself downstairs when the Gojos arrived for your usual dinner date. You couldn't stomach seeing Satoru sitting across from you at the table, his silvery hair and feathery lashes framing his blue, blue eyes, his slender fingers curling around the wine glass that was usually just your mother's and her best friend's... His eyes twinkling in mischief as he calls your name with that voice of his, both so sweet and so sultry...
Why did he push you away back then when he was the one to embrace you first?
That embrace was etched so in your head since you were sixteen, and it was something you always remembered whenever you saw his posts on Instagram, whenever your mother watched his commercials on TV, whenever you've been struggling at high school... And whenever you were alone in your room in your bed— the walls the only thing that could hear you and your thoughts, possibly— as you dove deeper into your inane imagination.
"Toru..."
He wanted you just as much.
...So much that you were crying to yourself, too, thinking of how stupid you were to believe your Aunt Arisu's silly little joke that you were born for her lonely little son to have someone—
The soft knock on your bedroom door was enough to snap you out of your deluded solo flight. You jumped out of your bed without a second thought about how flushed you looked. "I'll be there in a second, mom... Just... a sec!"
Perhaps you should have thought about it first.
"Hey there. Are you... feeling okay?"
Gojo Satoru. As though he stepped right out of your fantasies mere moments ago.
"Uh..."
He wedged his foot on your door as you tried to shut him out in panic. What the hell was he doing here? "Wait a moment. I've been meaning to talk to you about something."
And what could he possibly want to talk about now?
When you turned sixteen, Satoru's father sat him down for a conversation. He was told that you weren't just some girl anymore. That you weren't children anymore and that he needed to be more careful around you. Because you were growing into a woman— And because of that, there were certain things you couldn't do together anymore.
"What are you saying, dear? If Toru likes her, then I'm all for it. That girl is my best friend's daughter and a fine young lady! I wouldn't want anyone else for my boy!"
...And it bothered him. A lot. Because it meant he couldn't hold you anymore. And when he did so once out of habit— because your laughter delighted him so much— he pushed you away so hard that you held back tears. He didn't know what came over him back then, but he stopped coming over to your room afterwards.
Satoru couldn't handle the way you avoided his gaze whenever he was around for your family's shared dinner. He realised you must have been finally done with him tonight when you didn't bother showing up at all even though you were just upstairs in your room.
"...ask Toru to call her downstairs! I haven't seen that girl for quite some time now! Has she been..."
"...with university lately. There's this boy, too. Her classmate, I think..."
The older women's conversation faded in his head the moment your mother mentioned a boy— a classmate— and just how close the two of you have grown while you were in university. Good grief. He couldn't handle it. He couldn't.
You were supposed to be his.
He made his way to your room upstairs, his footsteps as soft and quiet as a cat's, and he was ready to talk to you. About everything. About why the last three years were torment for him. About why his father was right to remind him that you weren't children anymore because children wouldn't think the way he did. About why you shouldn't go out with that guy from your uni—
Satoru heard them. The faintest of whimpers from your bedroom. And if he was right in his head, he seemed to have heard his name, too.
He wasn't going to let go of this.
You opened the door with your face still flushed and your clothes all rumpled and you nearly shut him out if didn't think fast enough. You let go of the door and allowed him inside your room, the sound of the locks unheard because of the rush of blood in your ears.
He's going to take what's his. Without so much of an effort, too, by the way you willingly walked into his arms the moment he opened them to receive you.
#songsofadelaidewrites💛#mari's prompts 🎠#jujutsu kaisen#jjk au#jjk x reader#gojo satoru#gojo satoru x reader#gojo satoru x y/n#gojo satoru x you#i wrote this while listening to ttpd#guilty as sin?#starry divider by @/cafekitsune
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To you, My Lady
fandom: hsr
pairing: gallagher/FEM!reader
warnings: SPOILERS FOR 2.2 AND WRITTEN BEFORE 2.3
a/n: this may be the weirdest and most far-fetched I've ever written in terms of character interpretation, but I just needed to get something out of my system after playing 2.2, I cried like a little bitch
“You’re a History Fictionologist.”
Gallagher doesn’t respond. He should’ve known. You’ve always been too perceptive, no matter how much you mask yourself as a mess.
He doesn’t turn around. He doesn’t have to; he knows the crease in your eyebrows, the raging hurt that is locked behind your frowning lips, tears prickling from the corners of your eyes. He has memorized it by heart, when he had broken your heart on several occasions.
He warned you. He had shut you down when you presented him with a bouquet of flowers, he left you to pack up your date meal on more times he can count, and barked out a condescending laugh every time you show him something you created.
And yet, you stayed. You tried to make this one-sided relationship work, and Gallagher doesn’t understand why. He also doesn’t understand why he didn’t straight-up push you away.
“Finally worked that brain of yours?” he snorts, “‘Bout time.”
Gallagher- he is merely a creation born from another pair of hands. He is a toy, a pawn, with a singular ambition; to make sure The Order never crafts their perfect world, a predetermined disaster.
Perhaps he is the creator. Perhaps he is the creation. He is a branch of the History Fictionologist.
A lie ceases to exist when the truth comes to light. His death is gradual, but he feels the instantaneous switch. The soft pull of the abyss, gently taking a part of carefully-mended facade. It won’t be so kind when the final hour comes. He’s sure you know, too.
This is expected, though. He has a meeting with Sunday later, and he will take him to Dreamflux Reef. There, he will bid the people he barely knew goodbye, and he will leave a single hound to watch over the old man.
He will have played his part.
Why did he delude you into thinking you two had a future together?
“Well.” You are clearly trying to hold back tears. The pathetic display wants to make him laugh. He doesn’t. He still doesn’t turn around. “This is it, then?”
Gallagher polished a glass. “There was never ‘this’, hun.”
“But I’ve seen the way you look at me.” you insist, “You aren’t as emotionally detached as you think you are.”
He pours in High Stakes, and plays around with the drink in the glass. “I didn’t think you were this dumb, love. You deluded yourself into thinkin’ we were something more. We’re not. To me, you’re as important as a passerby in this dreamscape.”
“Then why did you stay?” Your voice cracks. “Why didn’t you push me away?”
He drops in a dash of classic SoulGlad. “Hm. Maybe because you looked too pathetic. I dunno. I don’t feel much of anything.”
“And why are you leaving now?”
You sounded far too heartbroken, beyond the stricken looks you give him on a daily basis.
“‘Cuz you realized my identity. In a day or two, my form will be destroyed. I’ll continue exploring the cosmos in another body.” He squeezes in a Hanu sticker. It looks adorable. It reminds him of the smile you gave him the first day you met.
He still doesn’t turn around. “Darling, you have to realize you’ve been loving a dead man. I don’t know what it is about police officers and bartenders that make you hot’n bothered, but don’t run into another one.”
As he mixes his drink, there is only silence. He half-expects you to leave in a huff, but he knows better. You have never left in the long time you’ve known each other.
“... Then, if all my romantic gestures meant nothing to you,” you say, tenderly and still brimming with a love that annoys him, “Can I get one more kiss?”
“On the cheek.” He says coldly, putting down the drink on the counter. “And only because I’m basically dying.”
He closes his eyes as you turn him around. He hears a quiet hum, still sad and carrying grief, before he feels a soft brush of lips on his cheek. His hands cling to your waist, before they let go.
“Thank you.” you say, “And I’m sorry.”
He opens his eyes. Your smile is fragile and hopeless, but it carries a tinge of warmth, one that makes him close them again, because if he stares longer, something in his carefully-crafted heart may actually want to stay in this dingy apartment.
Will you go chase another man, when all is said and done? Will you marry him? Will he protect you and treasure you? Will he leave you, just as he did?
“Sure.” he answers, sliding the drink into your hands as he backs away.
He opens the apartment door, and doesn’t spare another glance. If he does, he may actually fear.
Before he leaves completely, he stops. “To you,” he murmurs, knowing you will hold onto his every word, “With this glass of ‘Farewell, My Lovely’.”
Leave. Don’t be delusional. Leave.
Hm. Perhaps he was the one deluding himself.
“To unfinished business.”
He shuts the door, and basks in the soft artificial moonlight.
He hears you wail.
He can only hope this is what Mikhail would have wanted.
#hsr gallagher x reader#gallagher x you#hsr gallagher#hsr x reader#hsr#hsr spoilers#honkai star rail#hsr 2.2
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I'm taking a sabbatical (I've embarrassed myself once again)
#icons#random#methinks#instant regret#regretting my life choices#hungover#but at what cost#drunk confidence is just regular confidence for men#you know how deluded you have to be to ME#carmy makes sprite#carmy berzatto#i need to go listen to old people music i feel something other than the impending doom that is tomorrow's consequences
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said this to a friend before so apologies for being tacky by repeating myself but consider the doctor's discomfort with being placed in Man as a category as less of a refusal of gender than a refusal of adulthood
because thats what it is, right? the doctor's always been vaguely not-a-man in the same way and maybe sometimes in the same breath as they are vaguely not-a-human and also purposefully childish
Man and Woman are adult categories. you get to be in them by performing gender the right way, but also by being mature. and when youre in them you get a certain amount of respect for being Man or Woman, the respect of doing gender right PLUS being an adult right. degendering and infantilisation and dehumanisation often happen like, together, right?
i think the doctor's refusal of being put in a category of Man is about that maturity thing a lot more than it is about gender. i think the doctor has actual thoughts and feelings about adulthood, or maturity, or Whatever, about Being A Child and Being A Not-Child and Being Not A Child and Not Being A Child. i think they have ACTUAL opinions on that whereas they havent given gender more than a sideways glance. i think it makes a lot more sense and is a lot more true to the text to interpret their statements about manhood through that lense than anything to do with gender
theyre a lot more of a posterboy for children's rights than a posterboy for nonbinariness and i like them way better that way too. if they met a nonbinary person they'd not be surprised or confused it'd not be a deal to them but also i dont believe they'd relate it to themselves at all. when they meet children they do relate, they do place themselves in the same spot, they are on the children's side.
#i dont know why this is so agressive apparently i had some Feelings abt this fhkghjg that i finally managed to articulate#the genderness of the doctor has been frustrating me on some level for like years#like at the same time im like okay yeah obvs trans sort of inherently but also at the samet ime no theyre not????#like YES they are. i think Renegade is doing trans the gallifreyan way#it's going your own way. it's choosing your own like caste. it's picking your own name#becoming a renegade IS the gallifreyan or A gallifreyan way of transing yourself i do believe that#but also. the doctor isnt trans in a human way at all#and like every statement hteyve made about gender you have to be like. deluding yourself at least a little to take it to be abt gender#in my opinion#like ive done. enough times. sure. it's fun to play with interpretations#but also it deosnt feel honest#it doesnt feel honest to take anything the doctor at least from 9-13 has said about gender to be about. gender#it really isnt most if not all of the time!#an di think THIS is why#and theres also like the... the doctor's concept of maturity and growing up (ive got old meta where i say it's about#dont do genocide = growing up to the doctor and i still stand behind that)#and also all this is then interesting with 13 bc i said to the same friend yesterday (sorry ymae) that 13 is kinda like an anti-coming of#age story to me. but im not putting that in the post bc thats like. reaching i think a little#in the way that im not reaching about this child stuff#but it's interesting how it interacts with 13. this seeming transness that isnt abt transness/gender#bc she transed her gender but she DIDNT. her story was about something entirely else#anyway#if i manage to articulate that in a good way i'll add it to the post for now it's this#theta sigma#also wish i had quotes at the ready abt Man and War and Children but i dont#gotta rewatch#smth smth doctors daugther beast below twice upon a time the doctor dances etc#eaters of ligth also
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A bit of a weird question, but just to get some feedback
Is it "normal" to get the urge to scream in frustration after a stressful day (example: lunch with extended family that lasted too many hours, with screaming children and arguing relatives, suffering from heat)? As in, actually doing it once you're home and in peace because you couldn't hold it anymore and you are feeling almost nauseous?
Or is it something more associated with neurodivergency of some kind?
#please don't judge me lol#my mother reproached me for this#'you have to learn how to control yourself your reactions aren't normal'#but my mother has a very narrow view of what counts as normal so i don't trust her#i have some doubts but i might just be deluding myself because i don't know how people work lol
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one of the most horrifyingly existential things about kingdom hearts to me is the fact that nobody leaves anything behind when they die
#yes i know keyblades are left behind and belongings and etc etc#but also like. have we ever seen a dead body in kingdom hearts that was legit AND permanent#that didn't just fade into sparkles or darkness or whatever#and by that logic#have we ever been able to confirm a death that nobody actually witnessed themselves?#technically there could have always been a chance that every death nobody was sure of just...didnt actually happen#but also there's always a chance that every death that wasn't certain was in fact a death#and that ambiguity is weirdly terrifying to me#how can anyone know if you're okay if nothing would be left behind when you weren't?#if you want to hope against hope when one person claims to have killed another#all you have to do is claim that the proof is wrong#that the belongings are stolen or that there's no evidence the other person is dead#and you have successfully deluded yourself in a way that can't easily be disproved afaik#it's just kinda scary to me man#kingdom hearts
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just interesting how the “hellcheer is ‘problematic’ because [something about ages]” people never seem to talk about karen and billy
#fandom wank#just making shit up to delude themselves it’s so wild to me actually#like that is a thing that happened but not in eddie and chrissys case#they’re what like 2 years apart if that#be so so so serious with me right now#karen wheeler is right there#they just have to find a problem#because [checks notes] chrissy bad heIlcheer bad st*ddie good#??#like genuinely would love to know how it feels to be that not self aware#‘grooming is bad’ ‘adults shouldn’t be with minors’ but they won’t talk about when a whole 17 year old got preyed on by a mother of three#like ok !!#that’s how you know none of them actually give a fuck#transparent as hell
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As the pendulum is swinging back to “stop shaming people for leaving likes”, I am going to go on record to say I don’t like like because they’re a purely “number go up” metric that most people do not treat with the kind of thoughtful affection people who talk about leaving “little kisses for the people they follow” treat them as. I feel this exact same way about kudos in that mindless interaction from a potential audience is a real “good for you” kind of situation that simply does fuck all for me.
And before someone can call this grind culture brainrot, I also feel this way about reblogs without commentary. Good for you. I'm glad I was a good dancing monkey, enough for you to go “hey [people following me], lookadis guy”, even if you’re not gonna actually tell me that. We can talk about our choices for engaging with things and people on this site all we want, but intent isn’t magic, and I’m gonna reserve the right to complain about how that treatment feels regardless.
#van stuff#Anyway you as an individual are allowed to use this site however you want obviously#I'm just asserting that my memory is longer than six months#The reason people STARTED complaining about this was because people were saying shit like 'why are your likes hidden'#and treating 'liking' as the 'passive sharing' that reblogging without commentary used to be#Tumblr has historically had GARBAGE passive boosting options as the 'For You' tab is a fresh invention that barely fucking works#and new users were actively deluding themselves into thinking likes *were* engagement and demanding people show their likes to others#to make the user experience of this site more like the sites they came from#and most people who have been on this site for long enough know that any post with a huge note count#is gonna have a significant amount of threads calling it Fucking Stupid#and people adding likes to that post based on the commentary#Like... many of us actively have 'don't reblog shitty posts no matter how insightful the comments are' policies#BECAUSE boosting the notes of a shitty post is Bad For Discourse#me? a bitter former LJ user who never got over not having comments? Yes.#Am I AWARE that expecting the kind of interaction I enjoy is completely pointless? Also yes#but I'm still just not gonna say nothing as the pendulum swings back to hit me in ther face y'know?#EVENTUALLY it will have to come to a stop -- I just don't want it to come to a stop on 'less conversation happening continually'#also I need to remind myself to go tell wip that I want threaded comments on Tumblr#even Tiktok has them. They would be an incredible boon
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day 874392857 of ??? where i am so fucking tired of this house and the people inside it that killing myself is looking better and better each day :/
#reze stfu#god i honestly. idk what to say#my parents aren't bad in terms of it. they're pretty good as far as parents go#but like. imso fucking tired of being expected to act and talk a certain way. yes. i am your first child#that is exactly the reason i am so fucked up!! because you didnt know how to deal with children when you had me an i was basically a...#idk. an experiment or wtv#I WISH THEY COULD UNDERSTAND THAT !!#i know there is something wrong with me. because i've been told that. to my face. repeatedly#and people wonder why my self esteem is so low :/#maybe if you didnt amke me question my fucking existance i wouldnt be this way. you ever thought of that??#just two more years . i gotta hanf on for two more years. thats all. thats all. and them im our im out of this house#maybe ill like them better when i dont see tjem everyday#god i love being deathly terrified of my own parents. sometimes i dont even think i love them. i think im just so scared of them#that ive deluded myself into thinking that i love them and theyd never do anything to hurt me#despite KNOWING that isnt true#and its worse when my sisters have to deal with the fallout like. im used to being the buffer. i can deal with that. but please please#please dont expect me to parent. dont expect me to take your place. side eyes my father#WHY am i the most responsible person in that house???#you expect me to trust you ??? after you left 2 10 year olds alone in a playground in the hot sun for 3 hours with no food no water no money#no way back home??? and you fucking forgot about them???? and i had to remind you????????#i dont know. maybe im just lashing out. maybe im just tired of being the fuckup#its hard to be proud of yourself when you end up being told that there is something about you that is not right in the head ykwim?#ugh im sorry for ranting i just. idek what set me off and now i have nail marks in my arm and my skin is raw again#and my eyes are bloodshot. so i guess. ill be crying myself to sleep again. yay#that is if i even GET to sleep. i just wasted 20 mins i couldve used to be working having a mental breakdown. fun fun#tw suicide#tw vent
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kinda want to watch the last of us but I'm such an "original media FIRST" type of person and I've wanted to play the games for years so it feels wrong but also I'm clearly suffering from delusions bc I KNOW I'm not about to come into contact with a playstation anytime soon???????
#“I should play the games first” bitch HOW#also don't tell me “you could just watch a gameplay” I KNOW THAT#I know that and I respect the people who watch gameplays instead of playing games#you guys are still real fans of your favorite games I fully respect you. but I love actually PLAYING the game#so I don't often watch gameplay bc I don't want to have it spoiled on the off chance I do get to play the game#yes I do frequently delude myself into thinking I might get to play a game I know I won't be getting#tlou
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big write up on how my rhaegar is my own interpretation (and how behind i am on westerosi literature) coming soon to a dash near you.
#ooc. this week on kat valentine's hannibal.#[they’re just extremely personal to me and they make my heart warm and I’ve loved them since… god.#since the first time I read about them in got through dany’s words. I just went ‘I love them’ and never let go. I think I probably connect#heavily to the feeling like your life is based around sorrow and little more. and you’re struggling to find joy but sorrow is what you#-know-. so you can’t grasp a sense of joy or purpose in your true self. because you don’t have one. rhae? their true self is so fragmented#by prophecies and by shortcomings and failures and all the deaths put right on -their birth-.#they put all that on themselves for a sense of ego or self importance they just… didn’t have.#basically: rhaegar has deluded themselves into a lot but they’re also very tenacious about some as genuine beliefs.#but it’s… a study in how a sense of inadequacy can bring about unhealthy habits and obsessions. and how those things can overtake you.#the lyanna relationship is complicated and one i have to define but I think I would prefer#if it was just open and any lyannas who would like to write with me? I’m down to follow your lead. this goes for anyone close to rhae#really. the thing about them is it’s been admitted 100000 times they’re an ideal and hardly a person (and we never knew them IN LIFE)#so my characterization of rhae definitely leans on that display as asoiaf put it forth in the varied opinions on rhae.#they’re a big mixup of me and asoiaf and quite frankly a study in what it is to be burdened by tragedy from moment one and how that affects#an upbringing. how expectations do. I love them. I give my heart for rhae.]
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ok well just let me type this out to get it out of my head. senior year was seriously ass. and now thats its over..; im in this weird in between right now of classes having ended but so much senior stuff is still coming up. and i feel like a complete and utter failure. not academically. academically, i got my aice diploma junior year, went to college full time as a hs senior, got into my dream school and the top school in florida, and had straight A's every year. yeah, it sounds good all typed out, but i cant help but feel that the struggle for all that was worthless. because somehow, i still failed. i hardly have any real friends. many of my friendships crumbled this year. i have severe social anxiety. i feel like everyone else in my class is so social and has such strong bonds with so many people, and i dont have that. i dont know how to interact normally. making friends is simply a skill i never really developed. and a lot of the blame for that falls on how i was raised. i went to a tiny private catholic school for 11 years. the same 30 people in my grade (15 per class as we were divided into two, because 30 was considered a large class) for ELEVEN YEARS. it truly does something to the psyche. and only a handful of my peers werent assholes. then, i started hs during covid. it was frustrating in terms of making friends, because there was such a heavy expectation to branch out and do that, but we also weren't really supposed to be near each other? and going from a school with maybe 230 people to one with 1,500 was not an easy transition. i didnt know how to really socialize! and i feel like ive never been able to change the effect all that had on me. then being labeled "quiet" and "shy" makes you never wanna open your mouth ever again. i was in three clubs, and it made no difference. seeing everyone else with their large friend groups makes me feel so insecure and shitty. and fucking THEATER KIDS should not be making ME feel insecure like what the actual fuck?? anyways. i feel like ive cried more in this in between time than all year, and i wasnt particularly doing well all year either. it just sucks. im so so sad over the what ifs. i have to grieve the person i couldve been and the life i couldve had. its not fucking fair. on top of that, the school im going to is the one my parents, grandparents, and many of my other family members went to. my older sister didnt get in, when they really wanted her to go. i worked so hard to get in because i had some stupid notion that i could "win" and finally they could love me as much as they love her. yet, they dont even seem happy about it. they act like they dont care at all. like everything they have to do regarding college stuff is just a burden to them. like, great. i wasted my whole life,, i couldn't make friends, i couldn't make my parents like me, nor the rest of my family. everyone just views me as some shy loser freak.
at least i didnt peak in high school, right?
#and i cant even truly delude myself that college will be better because ill just face the same fucking problems#and i have no passion for what to study#so what hope is there for my future when i have no passion for school/work and no strong bonds/connections to anyone? i should seriously#just kms.#if u read all that ur a real one#but i doubt anyone will#but it doesnt matter; it wont change anything#i just needed to get it out#its been driving me insane#something happened and it felt like all of these struggles personified#do you know how cruel that is?#class of 2024#graduation#honestly i wish i had slacked off in class if it meant i had genuine friends
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Getting hit with the Normalcy(tm) switch with FFXIV and not caring about it anymore means all the drama on Twitter has me grabbing popcorn instead of groaning and hoping my game doesn't break after every petty plugin dev dispute
#I'm watching the newest dev creep with great interest#their INTRODUCTION TO THE SCENE#THEIR FIRST IMPRESSION#was them making a ''public statement'' threatning Asgard and Chirp about how they have dirt on them and will share it#they even got to Ani#and I don't even like Ani for the record I hate their attitude#but this fucker was talking to Ani in DMs like a damn supervillain and said Ani has a ''deluded mind'' for rightfully lashing out#after they contradict their novel DM about wanting to spread peace and talking about Ani's divorce with Yuki fanning flames#and followed the delusion insult with ''I didn't even know Yuki existed until you made that tweet'' and reduced the divorce to drama#which contradicts a lot of what they said in the novel DM about wantig to spread peace and what they know about Ani and Yuki#anyway I am the MJ popcorn GIF right now watching this go down and wondering how this game consumed me for so many years#what a way to promote your peaceful view my friend! Threatening that you have dirt and talking like an articulate supervillain!
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Sometimes I feel like my mom and sis really don't know just how much I take upon myself for them and they are definitely not good at returning the favor
#I know it probably happen the other way around too#But SIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHHH#Yes yes I ruined you're fun but I was trying to not have a meltdown back then do you mind ?#vent in the tags btw#Also it's not like I asked that big of a favor seriously#“Oh it's your fault for not bringing your headphones”#First headphones are not miracle worker especially with how loud everything was#And I'm sure you would have the same reaction if I asked you to quiet the music instead of changing it#Second I never needed them before ?? They help but it never got to the point of them being a need ???#Like I have no idea where the idea that it had came from#You may be deluding yourself here tbh#Stop trying to say that my sis and I are both responsible Mom#There was no way I could have predicted this would get this bad#Also even if headphones would have made the situation bearable enough for me#To just go 'oh yeah no need to make a fuss let's just endure this'#I WOULD HAVE STILL BEEN FUCKING MISERABLE#I get that you wanted to enjoy yourself#But I would have liked to enjoy myself too you know instead of swallowing in my frustrations#Actually fuck this shit I'm realizing that I've letting other have their way#without voicing my dislike of them so much#That people are starting to not only step over boundaries#But also get upset when I finally tell them that they need to stop#And of course this lead to a whole bunch of misunderstanding#Because I made them think there was no problem in the first place#FUCK#I need to speak up more#But I know it's going to be hard#Because well there is a reason I rather shut myself up before#Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurg I hate it here#*Heavy Sigh*
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Actually fuck my therapist for saying ‘but is your delusion actually true though?’ because of all the unhelpful things to ask someone who’s grip on reality is already tenuous…
#and now I’m obsessing over what’s true and what’s not which like come on man#this is the delusion about being in love with/attracted to this guy#which I’m not because I am not attracted to men and the idea of kissing or fucking him either makes me laugh or want to throw up so I think#I can safely say I’m not attracted to him#it’s just the delusion ties into my erotomania in general which is crappy because it feels more real#I do like the feeling of the delusion though#like when I’m really fully out of touch with reality and caught up in it it’s quite a lovely feeling#like a really easy all encompassing love#which is why it’s also easy to believe it’s true#but for the aforementioned reasons it is not true#and with my therapist saying that kind of shit I was like dude actually come on. like why would you say that?#if someone has identified that something is a symptom of psychosis; even if You think it’s actually true how would you know better than me?#and why would you say something that would make my grip on reality even less secure when you know I just came out of an episode?#why would you ever say ‘but have you considered you are actually deluding yourself still?’ to someone who’s psychotic?? that’s evil.#anyway clearly I’m more mad about this than I thought but turns out people setting off your psychosis freaks a person out!#anne speaks#yes it happening like two or three times is a coincidence and also makes me freaked out it’s true but why would you feed that fear?#and just to clarify I am not romantically attracted or platonically attracted to him because I suppose that would be attraction too.#he’s kinda funny and I don’t mind playing cards with him at the euchre club (where we met and where I see him and the delusion is sparked)#but he’s a homophobic and transphobic redneck capitalist#so not really my type let’s just say that#I suppose I didn’t know that when the delusion started. but I do know it now and if it was a real crush it would’ve died a terrible death#once I knew that#anyway. I need to get out of the brain loop of obsessing over it or it’ll become like ocd#thanks again; therapist! love this for me
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I need my dad to stop talking to me fr all he does is make me feel like shit, do smth I did not ask him to do, and then get on my damn nerves like it costs 0 dollars to not do any of those things mind your own business!!!
#he thinks he is being helpful but he is just so not like honest to god im already in my everything and everyone is pissing me off era#and hes so close to pissing me off like was it not enough to make me cry in the middle of the day last week??? was the hint that maybe you#should leave me alone not strong enough??? and do not get me started on his petty little comments about cooking and housework now that my#moms not here.... sorry i think youre a grown man who can make his own food. im making food for me you can make food for you#like damn i get why my mom snaps!#anyway jokes on him bc i actually used to like talking to him and he has actively made me not even want to be in the same room as him over#the past few years so 👍 i have 0 interest in talking to him about anything bc he thinks hes being helpful but he doesnt understand how i#think and so he actually just makes me feel worse and/or makes me mad#and the comments he makes like you Literally just do not know me oh my god 😭 i dont want whatever the fuck youve envisioned for me i am not#the person youve deluded yourself into thinking i am and IM FINE WITH THAT so why cant you be
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