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#you are a lawyer he is a hamster
sleepy-bebby · 9 months
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You are a lawyer and he is a hamster
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soulrph · 10 months
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chaotic unhinged lines from 2022-2023 (prompt edition).
basically in 2021 i made a list of prompts inspired by lines in tiktok videos and instagram reels that made me laugh so hard i cried! and now i have returned with another list! these may provide an alarmingly clear image of what my sense of humor is (aka broken) but i figure a little levity is always a good thing! more prompts are forthcoming, but in the mean time: bon appetit!
knowledge has always chased you, but you've always been faster.
no... no, that was mango apathy juice. from the farmer's market.
of all these people, you are the one i understand the least. i want to get to know you better, but like, not that much better.
i-i will CHEW YOUR MEAT!! WHAT are you doing?!
ooooh god, no, you wouldn't be long getting frostbit!
you are evil. like a hobbit.
WHY MUST YOU FAIL ME SO OFTEN?!?!!?
i have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
AHEM!! fill my cup.
may god ignore you like you ignored my greetings.
i will avenge you mister van gogh.
call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder. here's fifteen dollars.
you're not in love. you may think you are, you dumb fuck, but you're not.
go ahead and put the ranch away.
sadly, "hopefully" doth butter no parsnips.
forget school, i want to be an italian sandwich.
you shouldn't skip work, you are a lawyer and he is a hamster.
you can stop roleplaying now. you're free.
her coupon game was so fucking raw.
i'm sorry guys... he's making a salad.
you could get a straight guy here if you learned to make a good pasta. i'll teach you how to make a risotto that'll get you married and out of my basement.
hey, do you want me to get together a plate of roast beef and hide it in our room so we can have night meats?
it's not the most ethical thing in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
no, children, you're wrong. once upon a time, there was a piece of wood.
and i'm not saying she deserved it, but i am saying that god's timing is always riiiiight.
hydrate or die-drate, ya DICK!
why did the monkey fall out of the tree? because it was DEAD.
new york city is a fictional place written up by someone with a sinister mind and a knack for comedy.
this is grindr my guy.
wait, i didn't finish teaching you the difference between human and wolf anatomy.
it's time to tell your grandmother that she was wrong. do not be afraid.
vanilla vodka... you fucking child.
without ash to rise from, a phoenix would just be a bird getting up.
you are fucking alive. do what you want.
why are you cradling me like a baby, friend? this isn't how guys of my generation hang out.
i hope a hedgehog shits in your cereal, you difficult person.
you know, i am not as mean as i would like to be. and i think people should appreciate that more.
see, i am not a kangaroo.
well, i'd like to help, but... you see... not as much as i'd like not to.
rest in peace you fucking onion fairy.
when god sings with all his creations, will a turtle not be part of the choir?
i fight for a seat in heaven, every. single. day.
map maker? can you find me somewhere on the map where this big man thinks he's the king?
you bald-headed demon...
so... there are 24 million pigs in australia... and 24 million people... so if you ever feel lonely, there's like, a pig out there that's sort of your cosmic twin.
remember, alcohol is god's apology for making us self-aware.
i'm straight!! stop CONFUSING me!!!!!
you guys want something to eat? because... i know we'll die if we don't eat.
he is a BIBLICALLY gorgeous man. i wanna feed him grapes. i wanna fan him with the frond of a date palm from the forests of Lebanon. i wanna find the alabaster vial of perfume oil that one woman broke for jesus and comb it through his hair. like... he's stressing me OUT.
i'm not sad! i'm freaking HUNGRY!
maybe, if we wait a little bit longer, a fuck will fall into my hand, and i can give it to you.
it's not my fault you thought you lived in this IKEA.
let's leave my mother out of this.
jason may kill people but he's not bad enough to kick a dog.
i run for LUMP!
oh no, i'm all out of caring, baby!
you don't think it mcbe that way... but it mcdo.
what is this enticing bowl of white?
serious question, do his nipples sparkle?
what in the reese's peanut butter fuck is going on here?
if your parents don't buy it, stop loving them!
i just hope you know just how much you've decreased productivity today.
that was poetry at its FINEST.
and if you let that motherfucker shenan ONCE, you best believe they're gonna shenanIGAN!
may god bless the dinosaur that died to make the fossil fuel that was treated to become petrol in the car that took her mom to the hospital to give birth to her.
that's modern milk for ya. what a time to be alive.
you have attachment issues. please fix it.
remember when people had secrets? we should bring that back.
the moon landing was an elaborate marriage proposal.
i don't like the cobra chicken.
i didn't know eggs were this expensive? it's time to lay my own, i fear.
so you're saying the reason i don't have a girlfriend is because i'm not a big enough threat yet.
god gave him a top lip, that's why he's so powerful.
it's a common mistake, but frankenstein was actually the author.
i finally got a pocket-sized diary!!! also i don't get the concept of life.
if a beautiful woman disagrees with me, i will immediately change my view. i've no principles.
how did you all end up married to such boiled potatoes?
if so much as one tear drops from their eye... i will slap you back into your mum.
you are ringing a phone that does not like to be rung.
look how Dr. doofenschmirtz had a fucked up childhood but didn't project his trauma onto his teenage daughter. he projected it onto a platypus.
it is mathematically impossible for you to get a wedgie.
i'm breaking up with you. i love you, it's just... i don't think you could protect me from a mummy.
if you can't do fractions....... you will fucking die.
that's right; in the year 1791, all of our bottoms were killed in a Big Bottom Massacre.
people always assume i'm mean. like CAN you BELIEVE THAT CRAP?! like WHAT would make you think i'm MEAN?! I'M THE NICEST PERSON ON THE PLANET!
the chocolate milk is strikingly overpriced and at the same time very easy to steal; another of god's little tests.
someone's gotta tell the waiter that i ordered mashed 'taters and it sure as shit ain't gonna be me.
if i had a week i couldn't list all the reasons that wouldn't work.
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pillowspace · 8 months
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Celestial Sundown AU
A FNAF/DCA gods AU | You are a peasant living in the middle of the woods, Sun is the god of day you brought back home with you, and Moon is the god of night tucked away in the Celestial Realm.
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celestial sundown au <- all CSD-related posts (archive ver)
csd art tag <- posts containing my art (archive ver)
csd saved posts <- fanart and other appreciated posts (archive ver)
csd au variant <- talk of non-canon AUs (archive ver)
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Please stay SFW in my presence. Do not relate my AU to any real life religions, joking or otherwise. Do not make AIs of my AU. Do not make god designs of canon FNAF characters without first asking for my permission.
I am completely fine with both fan-writing and fanart. Sending theories is fine, however I will likely only upload the lawyer hamster image in response. Due to the genderless nature of nearly all the characters, you are free to refer to them in any gendered manner you'd like.
Thank you!
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Terms & language
Mortals - beings of the Mortal Realm that can age and die. This is humans and animals
Celestials - any living being of the Celestial Realm
Spirits - Celestial beings that are typically dependant and serve little status by default. They usually exist in large quantities, of their own minimal motivations, or in servitude
Demi gods - beings of both Celestial and Mortal biology, regardless of percentage. Some demi gods have a major purpose, while some do not. They may have a mortal heart or a light core
Middle god (mid god) - Celestial beings created for a major purpose. They can still bleed and die from extreme injury, but cannot age. Their form cannot change at will, and their hearts are light cores. This makes up a majority of the Celestial Realm's population. Sun, Moon, Eclipse, Sunna, and Meno are all mid gods
Higher gods - the highest Celestial beings that create gods and spirits. They cannot bleed or be physically injured, as they do not have a physical body. Any form they take is an illusion, and most relatability expressed is ingenuine
Life core - an orb of light that serves as a mid god's or demi god's heart
Realm travel object - an object that allows a person to travel between the Mortal Realm and the Celestial Realm, often but not strictly worn as an accessory. Most mid gods have one, some demi gods may have one, spirits typically do not, and higher gods can realm travel without the use of an object
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Characters
(Information may be found in the links)
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⛅ Sun | god of the day + guardian of children
bonus blush/blood/ray info
any pronouns, but commonly he/him | 7'5" | middle god | also referred to as: Day | realm travel object: forehead pendant AKA crown | threat level: friendly, but capable of violence if extremely deserved | dangerously hot body temperature, but can temporarily cool down to a safely warm temperature at will | bonus fact: especially enjoys receiving offerings that can be regifted to children
🌟 Moon | god of the night + guardian of children
bonus blush/blood info
any pronouns, but commonly he/him | wings and sleeve ribbons are optional | 7'5" | middle god | also referred to as: Night | realm travel object: broken unusable forehead pendant AKA crown | threat level: intentionally intimidating, but only truly murderous towards those who harm the vulnerable | safely cold body temperature, but is averse to touching non-trusted adults | bonus fact: banished from the Mortal Realm
🌱 Y/N | mortal peasant
bonus past info | child design
they/them by default | 5'5" by default | mortal | also referred to as: Daylight (from Sun); nearly any Alice in Wonderland related nickname (positive, from Moon); Alice (derogatory, from Moon); pet (from Eclipse) | threat level: friendly, and would rather flee over fight if it's not necessary | bonus fact: spent a year wandering alone from ages 12-13 in search of their aunt's home
👁 Eclipse | fusion of Sunna and Meno
lower layer
any pronouns, though I will note that he/they has been used the most frequently | red eyes outside of the rays are optional | middle god | 12' | realm travel object: none | threat level: dangerous, but won't kill without genuine reason | average body temperature | bonus fact: desperately lonely and constantly in pain due to the abnormal nature of their body
☀️ Sunna | god of the sun
bonus mouth ref | bonus blush/blood info | branching AU where Meno died
any pronouns, no preference | sleeve ribbon is very optional | middle god | also referred to as: The Little Sun, Sun, dear (from Meno) | realm travel object: Meno's moon ring on left hand | threat level: highly dangerous. Sunna can easily kill even if undeserved, but can also be calmed down | dangerously hot body temperature, but can cool down to a just barely safe hot temperature | Sunna no longer exists and is now Eclipse | bonus fact: enjoys and is energized by the feeling of outside sources of light on their skin, and has an extremely strong will. When Meno is to die, they have the responsibility to take over both the sun and the moon
🌕 Meno | god of the moon
bonus blush/blood info
any pronouns, no preference | middle god | also referred to as: The Little Moon, Moon, love (by Sunna) | realm travel object: Sunna's sun ring on left hand | threat level: friendly if someone is on their best behaviour, dangerous if otherwise. Gives warnings before harming someone | safe but semi-discomforting cold body temperature that can drop into dangerously freezing at will | Meno no longer exists and is now Eclipse | bonus fact: collects many items but especially books, and likes to garden. Due to being improperly created, everyone knew that they were to die someday
Other characters that have been mentioned so far. Characters that have already been mentioned in the fanfic are bolded, characters that aren't canon to FNAF are italicized, and characters with art have an asterisk *
* Vanny / Vanessa - ?
The Dollmaker - ?
The Tinkerer / Emileus - ?
Michael - demi god of ?
Baby / Elizabeth - doll-contained spirit of mischief
CC - deceased mortal
Marionette / Charlie - mid god of ?
Lefty - old mid god serving Emileus's kingdom as a jailer and Charlie's bodyguard
Gregory - mortal
Glamrock Freddy - mid god of ?
Funtime Foxy - mid god of entertainment. Owns the Celestial theatre that Moon used to act for
Rockstar Chica - mid god working as a bodyguard at the theatre
Reader's aunt - deceased mortal
Reader's adopted mother and father - deceased mortals
Manaaki - one of Sun's prior deceased favourites. Romantic
* Epa - one of Sun's deceased prior favourite mortals. Familial
* Frieda - one of Sun's deceased prior favourite mortals. Queerplatonic
And others someday. Almost all Five Nights at Freddy's game characters exist in this AU
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Arcs
Arc 1 = Sun without his crown
Arc 2 = Sun with his crown
Arc 3 = Celestial Realm
Arc 4 = ...uh oh
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Chapter posts
Arc 1 -
1. The Flip of a Page words: 8,224
2. Who Are You? words: 11,997
3. A Much Kinder Gold words: 8,423
4. Dear Night, the Daylight words: 17,212
5. A Flicker of a Thought (Part 1) words: 14,399
6. A Flicker of a Thought (Part 2) words: 10,440
7. A Total Loss of Equilibrium words: 13,110
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The first concept post. May contain spoilers to anyone coming from the fic:
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belle--ofthebrawl · 9 days
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Belle you keep teasing us with the hell on wheels au and I am here to beg most politely for some tiny crumbs. What is this treat you have cooking up for us in your big big brain????
Well...the explanation is very long but basically Augh Motorcycle Helmets Big Sexy.
So it's just Vibes at this point but grew into something more, especially after @miasmaghoul posted about mechanic Cirrus fucking Swiss. I adopted that immediately into what is now known as the Hell On Wheels Au, the barebones of which have been rattling around in my brain for about a year but exploded with thoughts quite recently.
The Ghouls are a Satanist Biker Gang that fully leans into the aesthetic, party at bars and get into fights but during the daytime? They rev their motorcycles and stand in court rooms as kids testify against their abusers. They work in partnership with local community support groups, have domestic violence flyers up in bathrooms, even have their own local version of an Angel Shot called a Devil Shot where one will pick you up from the bar if you've been roofied and takes you to the hospital while another hunts down the lowlife who did it and gives them a little talking to. Violence isn't usually involved since they have a reputation but they're fond of saying they never forget a face. Interpret that how you will.
This all evolved from a Vibes Based Daydream I had where Dew's bike broke down so he had to be Ifrit's backpack. And when they pull up at a red light, Ifrit's old chapter leader Alpha is there and he tells Dew "Killswitch him, it'll be payback for (something completely fucking made up)" EXCEPT when Dew hops off and turns the key to shut down the bike, the light turns green and Ifrit hollers something at Dew before popping a wheelie and racing away, leaving Dew to sweat nervously in the fish bowl distortion of his own reflection in the helmet glaring down at him.
"Get on." Alpha says gruffly and Dew seriously contemplates running before Alpha revs his bike again and growls "you run and you're fucking out." Because their whole thing is facing consequences, right?? So Dew's his passenger princess and Alpha takes him out of town on a backroad to a tall grassy knoll where Dew thinks he's going to be buried and parks his bike.
He meets the bookkeeper, a hulking retired boxer known in his glory days as Omega and they chat as Alpha looms threateningly in the background.
Notes: Swiss and Ifrit ride 1000cc sports bikes whereas I'm going for a more classical, solid build for Alpha. Or a chopper. Can't decide.
"This is all I have." I said to Miasma, but it proved to be a lie as my brain is forever a hamster running desperately on a wheel.
Swiss harasses the corrupt police force (defroque is the sheriff's son??) with Ifrit and Sunny, they do a lot of night rides with no plates and lead them in goose chases after triggering speed traps. Drop a gear and disappear, baby.
Aether does a lot of charity stuff and mostly works with local food banks to be a one man Meal on Wheels (ok...yup. get it out) for elderly and disabled folks. He dreams of owning a food truck with his buddy Mountain but right now he's happy to show up to court with a saddlebag of whatever he thinks that little tyke might appreciate or need.
Mountain is the son of a local cafe owner Terra, who was quite the hell raiser in her heyday but now is content to enjoy her retirement with her partners, Ivy (agoraphobic landscaper) and Pebble (weed dealer). He has a sidecar he brings Rain and Zephyr to work in. Rain's got a fruity little scarf.
Aeon as the new kid in town working two jobs to afford a bike of his own, Imperator as a lawyer/ex pinup model because learning is expensive. Copia is her assistant/son determined to make his mother proud but also can't help but wonder why exactly she chose to work in this distant town and what her relationship is to that decrepit old man sitting in the park, feeding the birds from his wheelchair and seems to know an odd amount of detail about a certain tricycle, hidden away in the depths of the shed. Copia doesn't like talking to him. Nihil knows too much and yet, can't remember anything at all.
Aurora is someone who prefers to pedal around town on her old mountain bike, vlogging her downright dangerous escapades that make seasoned motorcyclists sweat (motocross? BMX? She just likes her old bike. She does delivery for local restaurants and is a living legend in delivery times. Aeon's also into free running/parkour/skateboarding and they have a friendly...? competition over completion times.
Cirrus restores cars as a hobby and is a mechanic with Cumulus, who specializes in paint jobs on top handling the books and stock. Swiss loves it when she fucks him Amazon style on her prize restoration car (model make and year TBD) and he tells her about this little delivery biker who popped a forward wheelie on the other side of a red light, did something complicated that involved walking on her front wheel and stepping on the pedals before setting the bike frame easily back down and pedalling calmly past Swiss. Cirrus knows her of course, but Swiss hasn't earned that knowledge yet. Or his orgasm.
Sunny works in the shop too as an apprentice.
Cumulus likes to flirt with Mist, who owns the local dirt track. "As much as anyone can own a dirt field." Mist says. She's a water-skier, wheels aren't her preferred mode of speed.
The Emeritus family crossed over from Italy sometime in the last couple centuries. Ask anyone and they'll tell you where the real power in the city lies, with the unholy Trinity of the three offspring. But here, see, that's on the down low, see? One of them has to be Papa Emeritus, that enigmatic and rarely seen figure, who takes care of people who put their faith in him and that's more than the local priest ever does. Funny how that church building gets fancier and fancier every year while Mrs. Abernathy down the street can't even afford her medical bills. You know they're holding a fundraiser to build a heated hallway from the rectory to the church because Defroque slipped and fell on the ice last winter and now he's whining about needing a safe path to the building?
Be a real shame if something happened to all that money. Can you imagine Father Jim slipping every Sunday? Not that he's stable any other day of the week, mind you. I get the feeling, those prayers retreats of his....Mmm. but that's just gossip.
Ah well. You know, this is a quiet little town when all those bikers aren't revving their engines. But there's stories to be found in it, if you're willing to wait and be patient. Good things, and all that.
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regseekings · 4 months
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I feel like "you are a lawyer and he is a hamster" is something Eoin would pull out when he sees Paddy getting a bit tetchy.
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drhu0806 · 6 months
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Oh here's a fun game: rate the BG3 companions (and your player character too if you so choose) on what you think their spice tolerance/spice threshold are (in my case, I interpret spice tolerance as how well you react to the heat whereas spice threshold is how hot one can go before they feel something or start reacting poorly)
My thoughts:
Lae'zel: very high tolerance, mid to low threshold. The latter is very debatable because I don't know what githyanki eat wherever they are. I'm just going off the assumption that maybe they don't devote a lot of time to cultivating spices and herbs, though I think githyanki would be up for spice challenges. Overall grade is very high on the scale in spite of relatively low threshold because my girl is a tough son of a bitch and she can sweat almost anything out no problem
Shadowheart: high tolerance, mid to low threshold. Again, I don't know what Sharrans eat generally so threshold is arguable. Could it be used as a torture implement? Sure. But I like to imagine people who eat spicy food like to enjoy life and have some fun, which Sharrans... don't seem to have. Overall grade: below Lae'zel, but in the same general bin
Astarion: THE LOWEST ON THIS LIST. LOW TOLERANCE, LOW THRESHOLD. WE DON'T EVEN NEED TO DISCUSS THIS. NEXT QUESTION.
Gale: low tolerance, mid to low threshold. Man doesn't even like eating vegetables. How the fuck can he handle a habenero? He edges out above Astarion but is that really an accomplishment? EDIT: I have been notified that in the romance he talks about liking spicy food--along with a very funny comment involving spice and his mother--so I am upgrading him to high average on the scale, with high tolerance, mid threshold. Congrats Gale you are so damn lucky to have a lawyer as your fan
Wyll: mid to high tolerance, mid to low threshold. He's tough to judge; I'm willing to put him in the same bin as Shadowheart at his highest. Again, I don't know what he regularly ate growing up; he was a Duke's son so he probably had access to more diverse foods than the average citizen, but do the nobility regularly eat spice? Who can say? In the end I would put him solidly in the middle ranking, but this can change.
Karlach: HIGHEST ON THE LIST. Very high tolerance, high threshold. Would probably be one of those people who would eat two Carolina Reapers in that challenge for the lulz. Do I think she would still feel it? Yeah. But would she take it like a champ? Absolutely.
Halsin: high tolerance, mid to low threshold. This one's tough, the threshold especially, very arguable. But I want to believe in him because the man is 350+ years old, he's been around, he's seen some shit, probably eaten a lot of different kinds of stuff in his travels. I believe he could absolutely sweat it out at the very least. Middle of the pack.
Minthara: high tolerance, high threshold. I'm gonna be real, I've never recruited her so these are all off of general impressions but I mean come on. I would put her second only to Karlach.
Jaheira: mid tolerance, mid threshold. I feel like in BG1 and 2 she probably would have had a higher ranking, but she is older now and I know from personal experience sometimes you get to an age where you just can't eat the same kind of stuff you did when you were younger. Middle of the pack again, I'd put her with Wyll.
Minsc: I have no idea. Mid to high tolerance, mid to low threshold? I definitely think he could sweat it out well but who knows how hot the hamster man can go? I'm gonna put him in average because I'm just HMMMM???
My Tav, Kainé: high tolerance, high threshold, because I am incapable of making a character anything else I guess. Not as high on the ranking as Karlach and Minthara, but probably around Lae'zel's place because spicy food was just a staple growing up for her. She'd probably shed tears if she had a Caroline Reaper or ghost pepper but she would absolutely still go for it if she had to to prove a point.
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ask-the-tf2-mercs · 10 months
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*The buffy man falls from the workshop's window. He is in very bad shape*
Hi Mr Conhager. I am a lawyer. I have something concerning you and Mr Ludwig. Huh... please do not inform him immediately.
I'm hiding from that Heavy guy...
Also why do you have so many hamsters ?
Engineer: Don't ask.
Engineer: But I really don't like it when people storm int'a my workshop here without knockin'. Just not polite. I'm also busy tryin' to figure out somewhere for all these hamsters to go that ain't here, so I dunno who you are or what you're sellin' but I ain't interested.
Engineer: Y'probably also wanna run. [gestures to all the sentries aimed at him] It's either them, or Heavy. 'Cause I already called him down here when I heard you climbin' up the walls. Spy warned us someone was lurkin' around already.
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What would the ROs think of a very soft, cuddly MC who's very affectionate with them, think soft cuddles, cheek kisses, hand holding, arm in arm walking, feeding each other occasionally, etc? (For both games and in relationship with MC!) I love both your games and the ROs! You're a brilliant writer and I always look forward to your stories and the ask reactions you post.💞💞
Thank you for the kind words. 🥰
Insert Rich Family Name:
The bodyguard would enjoy every second of it as they love MC with all their soul. Having a cuddly and lovey-dovey MC as partner is a good match for the bodyguard. I can picture them going on a walk together, enjoying a quiet Saturday at home, and just pampering each other.
The Detective is not used to that level of sweetness. But they would enjoy it because it would be something new in the relationship for them. They would get grumpy about some of the little annoying stuff that MC does, but I'm sure that MC will manage to turn them into a teddy bear.
The lawyer would have no issue with a sweet lovey-dovey MC, as long as they do their quota of traveling to Paris, MC can be as cutesie and sweet as they want.
Bob/Vera might find a sweet MC too... sweet lol. Bob/Vera are fast-paced when it comes to relationships. They will say vulgar words, they will spank MC or ask to be spanked, they will take pleasure in making a sweet MC blush or flustered. Yes, so a sweet MC might be attractive to them at first, but when the relationship becomes monotone, MC needs to be ready to pick up the pace and if MC can't do that, Bob/Vera will not stay.
The Midnight Saga:
Lan/Lanie is themself very sweet so tother with a sweet lovey-dovey MC they will be in relationship heaven. They love all those things that are mentioned in the ask, all that is missing a playing video games together.
Mack would not love it-love it, but he would like it because it's a big change from that previous toxic relationship he had with Lex. Mack is at this stage where he is ready for some quiet time and just enjoying life, so a sweet MC who is lovey-dovey might be just the right thing for him.
Ashley would use a sweet MC like a best friend. It would be someone she goes shopping with, having spa days with, cozy up on the sofa watching her favorite movies, having MC go fetch her coffee, and all the little things that she would want her best friend to do. Basically, she would be in a relationship with her best friend and she would love it.
Zhan would be completely annoyed with a sweet lovey-dovey MC. I'm afraid that Zhan would change MC into a pet like a hamster just so Zhan can have a quiet time. And once they feel lonely(if they ever feel lonely) they would transform MC back into human form.
Kar would love a sweet lovey-dovey MC. I feel like such an MC would help Kar open up more and get out of their shell. They often take care of everyone else around the and forget about taking care of themself, so a sweet MC would remind them that they also need some self-care and self-love.
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sabraeal · 1 year
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Oh god, how could I forget? *slams hands on table* OBI AND SHIRAYUKI COME OUT TO EACH OTHER, WFB EDITION
[Read on AO3]
There's a surreality that clings to the corners of her night, a certain strangeness that fuzzes the edges like one of Kiki's filters. If Shirayuki's truthful with herself-- which she tries to be-- the whole weekend has been like this, like her body has been wrapped in bubble-wrap, a buffer between her and Tanbarun to keep it from hurting her again. And then for one moment, cheap beer had sloshed against her finger and she thought, I can handle this, it won't beat me, I won't flinch thinking of home forever.
Hard to believe that was only a few hours ago, when now the only thing keeping her upright is the door at her back. That once again, Raj has muted her world. Not on purpose, not like last time; oh no, it's his honesty that wounds, and she can't hate him for it, but she can't forgive either, and he--
Ah, well, maybe Obi has a point. Some things, he's said, his sharp smile strained from holding it so wide, belong right where they're buried.
Her legs don't tremble as she stands, but the ground's so unsteady beneath her feet it makes no difference. Her world pitches with every step across the vintage hardwood, a struggle to stay upright until her world tips at it edges, landing her flat on the mattress. A nice one, firmer and more supportive than the one back in her dorm, even if she had spent thirty dollars layering enough toppers on it to make as nice as a hotel. It would be easy to slip into sleep now, to let this day be drowned out by dreams with a better narrative structure than real life.
But she can't. Not when her mind is racing still, running through Raj's confession like a hamster on a wheel, churning it over and over until she's unmoored. Her body may physically remain in this room, but she no longer sees the crown molding around the ceiling or french doors to the balcony-- instead she witnesses a night three months behind her, every detail blown to life-size.
Hey, Red. His eyes were glazed, she remembers that. From drinking, she'd thought; just a brother three sheets to the wind, press-ganged into one last delivery that kept him from the keg. Raj said he wanted you to have this.
The man doesn't even blink at his lie, just holds out the cup the way anyone would; two lives destroyed with as much ease as hands touch. Doesn't bother to stay either, the way a real villain would, ready to gloat over his dastardly plans. No, evil occurs without even a flinch, unremarkable in its ordinariness. That she believed it all is a simple mistake, one that anyone could have fallen for--
But Obi hadn't. He took one look at that man and called him a shark, laughed at how no one had seen it when blood chummed in his wake. And if he could, then why, why hadn't she?
If she'd only known, then it wouldn't have been Raj in Kino's exposé, and it wouldn't have been Shenezard lawyers that sat across the table from her, explaining to her in terrifying detail the penalties for slander and libel. No, they would be sitting beside her, coaching her through her testimony, making sure that she knew just where to twist the knife. Anything to make sure the campus-- and their investors-- knew that they were washing their hands of this criminal, the frat severing ties with the brother whose actions threatened their charter. It wouldn't have been easy, but she could have stayed, and she--
She never would have met Zen. Or Kiki, or Mitsuhide. Not even Obi, unless there was a dean as dedicated to meddling with Shenezards as much as Wisterias. Shirayuki would still be in her grief single, struggling to get out of bed as her single friend rode her trauma to a post-graduate position.
Her thoughts race, one what-if chasing another, a glut of almosts poised to flood her with second guesses, castigating her for not thinking so clearly, so perfectly in the moment--
It’s-- it’s too much.
This is hardly the first time she’s flirted with a panic attack, but to have one here, pressed in by the walls of the house where it all happened--
Shirayuki gets up. Fresh air. That’s what she needs. A change of scenery. A possibility of escape. Sure, she’s on the second floor, but that’s never stopped her before. Her legs won’t tremble, but her hands do as they reach out for her cardigan, the wool snagging on her nails before she manages to wrangle it around her shoulders.
The night is bracing when she steps into it, not windy, but cold, the air carrying more winter than she expects. They’d left snow behind in Clarines, but Tanbarun’s only been brisk, cushioned by the Sound to the south. Sea effect, that’s what it’s called.
“So.” She jumps, and oh, there’s Obi right there, lounging on his own balcony, blanket framing his grin. “Did catharsis live up to the hype or whatever?”
“Oh.” Had it really only been this morning when she stood in the library, preaching to him about narrative closure? When she’d called this whole thing the return of the hero? “I don’t think-- I mean, I wasn’t--”
“Hold up, Doc.” His blanket slumps to his shoulders, hands flying up between them. “You don’t need to tell me shit. Just...you’re feeling better, right?”
“I...” am about to have a panic attack, she nearly says, but even as she lines up the words to be dismissed-- he doesn’t need to be worrying about her, not over something like this-- she finds they’re not longer true. “...I am. Or at least I will be. Just...need a few minutes I think.”
He shrugs. “Take ‘em. I’m not going anywhere.”
For once, she believes it. “I’m sorry. I should have told you about...all this. What happened here before--”
“Hey, hey.” The blanket unfurls as he stands, caught only by a quick clasp of his hand. “This whole thing was your secret to keep. You didn’t owe me anything.”
“But you walked into all this blind.” She sighs, breath misting into the night. “If I’d told you...”
“I’d be here anyway. Would I like to have known?” He scrapes out a laugh, jostling her elbow on the rail. “Yeah, sure. But it wouldn’t have changed anything? Nah.”
“R-really?” She blinks, the cold stinging her eyes. “But why...?”
“Because you asked, didn’t you?” There’s a sharpness to his smile, but that edge is pointed inward, pressing just hard enough draw blood. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Doc, but people don’t tend to expect a lot from me. No one but...”
You. He doesn’t say it, but it rings in the air between them, warming it more than any breeze.
“If you want to let me in on the backstory next time, I won’t stop you though.” His eyes glitter gold in the moonlight, like lights in a distant window. “Beats wondering why you jumped every time you heard a door slam in this place.”
“O-oh!” It hadn’t even crossed her mind that anyone would notice, let alone-- “S-sorry. To make you worry. What did you think--?”
“Doc, I’m gonna be real.” His chin slants down, eyes fixing on her from their corners. “I tried real hard not to think anything at all.”
Shirayuki blinks. “Even though...?”
His shoulders don’t so much shrug as fence him in, pickets right up by his ears. “I’ve seen some stuff. I just had to hope that none of it happened to you.”
He can’t want her to pry, but Obi talks about himself so little, and his past even less; she can’t help but murmur, “Stuff?”
His breath plumes over the rail, spinning and spiraling, each second of his sigh eddying into the next. “Let’s just put it this way: if it’s been me in your shoes tonight, I would have had to think a lot harder before I did the right thing. Would have gotten there eventually, but...”
This time he does shrug, too innocent for his implication. “Kino may not exactly be nice, but that doesn’t mean she deserves to be--”
“No one deserves that.” There’s not much Obi’s serious about, but he is for this, no hint of humor clinging to his mouth or hiding behind his eyes. “Preaching to the choir. But some people need a taste of their own medicine, and I’m not above letting them take a sip.”
“Obi.”
“So to speak, of course.” One hand lazily lifts from the rail, matching the hook of his smirk. “I’m not as good a person as you, Doc.”
“I don’t know about that,” she huffs, folding her cardigan tighter over her chest. “You just don’t know her like I do. When we were in high school...”
We were friends. That’s what she wants to say, at least, but it sits sour on her tongue, aging as well as milk. They’d been on the same team, sure, but when it’d come to those sleepovers, all the seniors gossiping behind their hands--
Obi’s smile softens. “Taking off some real vintage rose-colored glasses?”
“Ah, no.” She shakes her head. “More like...seeing past an old crush.”
“Oh.” It’s strange to be so close to a smile like his as it collapses, like watching one of Oma’s souffles deflate from Opa taking them out too soon . “Huh. I...hm.”
It takes a moment for her head to catch up with her mouth, to realize what she’s said, and-- “Ah, I mean...you knew that right? That I...?”
“Haah, well--” he scrubs sheepishly at his scruff, the bristle of his hair sticking up every which way-- “Kino did day something like that, but I wasn’t sure if I...er...should take that with a grain of salt...”
“She knew?” Her voice splits to shrill before she can catch its frantic fray. “I mean, I just-- that doesn’t matter. I thought you would already know, since Kiki...?”
“Yes.” His nod is almost formally stiff, the kind waiters have at the restaurants Zen takes them to. “I did. But thinking Princess is hot is just good taste. I wasn’t sure if you-- if that was a thing, or if you were--?”
“It is.” She can’t see herself, but she feels her cheeks burning, impulse plowing her forward as her courage starts to wear thin. “I am. I mean, I like both. Guys and girls. Always have.”
“Oh.” Stream streams from his lips, his fingers clutches just as pale around the rail. “You just came right out and said it, huh? That’s...good. Ah, I mean...it’s cool?”
His shoulder make a stiff horizon above his back, spine so straight it makes her own ache.
“Is that going to be okay?” It’s strange how soft she speaks, how tentative the tiptoes around her real question. “It’s not going to change anything for you?”
His head snaps up, eyes wild as they meet hers. “What? No-- what? Of course not. It’s just-- fuck, I’m really making a mess out this, huh?-- I’m not just to talking about it. This.”
Obi makes some gesture between them, a waggle of fingers that’s both confident and a call for help, and she-- she blinks. “I wasn’t trying to hide it, if that’s what you were thinking. I just...it never seemed special or anything until other people found out in high school, so I don’t really think about saying anything. If it makes you uncomfortable--”
“No, it’s not--” he gasps, frustrated more flushed than she’s ever seen him-- “I-- Me too.”
Shirayuki stares. “You like girls?”
“No!” His eyes widen. “No, wait, yeah. Obviously. Girls are hot. It’s just-- guys are good too. I mean, hot. For me. Personally.” His fingers pinch at his shoulder. “Ugh, this sounded better in my head.”
“Oh.” Her mouth pulls wide, so much it aches, but in the best way. “You mean you’re bisexual?”
“No! Wait.” His knuckles blanch bone-white where they grip the railing between them. “I mean yes. Bisexual, yeah.”
“Yes?”
“Can you just--” he puts his back to her, waving weakly over his shoulder-- “give me a minute?”
“I...” Shirayuki’s not quite sure what’s going on, but it’s-- it’s good. She knows that much. The sort of good that makes her feel as big as Mitsuhide, like she could wrap them around the world twice over and give it a squeeze. “Yes. Sure?”
“It’s just...” The tension slumps out of his shoulders, leaving a quivering mound of Obi leaning against the balustrade. “I don’t think I’ve ever said that out loud. No where anyone could hear, at least.” He huffs, mist disappearing before it can waft above his shoulders. “It’s weird.”
“But you said it.” She should give him his privacy, let him be unperceived, and yet-- yet she just grins at his back. There’s a warmth in her chest, one her smile can’t control, only hold at bay. “And you said it to me.”
“Don’t read into that!” he yelps, clambering to face her. “It’s not like I meant to-- that you-- ugh, it just never seemed...”
“Welcome?” she offers, threading her hands between his on the rail.
He sighs, too close for steam. “Relevant. But here we are, I guess.”
“Yeah.” She can’t suppress her giggle. “Here we are. Two bi--”
“Cut it out,” he groans, but he can’t hide his laugh beneath it, no matter how much he tries. “It’s fine, I guess. At least now I know I never really had a chance with you.”
She blinks up at him. “What?”
“Well you know...” His grin is far too sly for comfort. “Since you have a thing for blonds.”
“Huh?” Her jaw drops, distorting the sound. “I-- I don’t! I’ve never had any physical preferences whatsoever.”
“Oh, so you don’t know about it.” His grin spreads wider, like a cookie that should have spent more time in the fridge before she let it run wild at 350. “Princess? Chief? This Kino chick? You’re telling me they don’t all have one thing in common?”
It’s with a terrible certainty that she remembers: Pavo’s blond too. A detail she’ll take to her grave now. “Looks don’t matter to me.”
“That’s not what the data says, Doc.” Obi lets loose a whistle that puts every hair up on end. “Bossman better keep you away from the Big Cheese, huh? Who knows what you’ll do.”
She snatches her hands back from the rail. “Keep my hands to myself, clearly.”
“Sure, sure.” He leans back, hips settling against his own balustrade, near where she hunches on hers. The stars are bright above them, the way they only get when it’s cold, like little chips of diamond in velvet. “Bet you’re wishing he was here, huh?”
“Izana?”
“Nah, nah. Funny that’s where your head went though.” His shoulder nudges hers, and she allows herself a glower, as a treat. “I meant Zen. Boyfriends are probably better for this whole trauma thing, instead of...whatever I’m suppose to be.”
She leans back, watching him. “That wasn’t what I was thinking.”
“That’s because you’re too nice,” he tells her, grin not sitting quite right on his lips. “I bet he misses you, you know? We’ve only been here a few days, but it feels like forever. I think I might even miss him snapping at me.”
Shirayuki blinks, the last puzzle piece slipping into place. Guys are good too, for me, Obi had said, just moments ago, and now here he is, conjuring Zen between them. It’s sweet, really. “He’s probably missing us just as much.”
Obi rolls his head across his shoulders to hand-deliver his glare. “Doc, this is where you’re supposed to say you miss him.”
“Oh?” She wasn’t aware there was a script for sharing crushes. “Am I? I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, while you gaze all wistfully up at the stars.” He juts a hand in their direction. “It’s a whole thing with star-crossed lovers.”
Her brow furrows. “We’re not lovers. And if we were, I certainly wouldn’t want to be star-crossed.”
“Well, you’re close enough on both counts. Anyway.” He levers himself up from the rail. “I should get to bed. You too, Doc. All good little scientists need their eight hours.”
“It’s seven to eight, depending on the length of your sleep cycle.” She looks back to meet his amused expression. “But, er, thanks. I will. Goodnight, Obi.”
He hesitates, one hand wrapped around the jamb. “Night, Doc.”
And just like that, he’s gone; just her and a hundred thousand flaming light glinting over her head. Shirayuki takes in a deep breath, letting the chill prickle at her lungs.
“We can do this,” she murmurs, fingers cold when she curls them into her palms. “I mean, what else could go wrong?”
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nothingunrealistic · 8 months
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review roundup: billions 7x03 “winston dick energy”
place your bets on how far i’ll get into this post before my commentary shifts into all-caps!
New York Times: ‘Billions’ Season 7, Episode 3 Recap: Confidence Games
Which would be fine if Chuck were operating in a vacuum. Instead, he has an office full of lawyers champing at the bit for the opportunity to unleash their full skills on unsuspecting white-collar criminals everywhere — the kinds of cases that turned their freshly reinstated boss into a beloved man of the people. His reticence in choosing his opening salvo frustrates everyone: his right-hand man, Ira; his father, Charles Sr. (Jeffrey DeMunn); his button man, Karl; and the Southern District’s bold up-and-comer Amanda Torre (Hannah Hodson).
or, as i described it to milo in the heat of liveblogging: all of those characters (and wendy!) call chuck a wuss.
Then along comes Winston (Will Roland). A twerpy quant who’s been a core part of the Taylor Mason team for some time, largely in spite of himself, Winston quits the firm and immediately — like, within eight hours — goes into business for himself.
can’t say i expected anything better than this. correction: a core part of the taylor mason team for some time, largely in spite of taylor forgetting he’s alive, let alone that he and his work are valuable, until he quits and starts trying to make money that won’t go to them.
Acting on advice from Wendy (you can see why Dr. Mayer is concerned, no?), Wags storms into Winston’s apartment, where an attempted come-to-Jesus meeting with Taylor and Philip is already underway, and all but attacks the guy.
thanks for pointing out wendy’s role in that, at least.
Unless he comes back to Prince Cap, software in tow, as a sort of indentured servant, Wags will see to it personally that Winston’s reputation and finances are left about as intact as ancient Carthage.
“comes back to prince cap” is interesting phrasing, considering the odds are against us ever seeing him in the prince cap office again.
Watching a good episode of “Billions,” which this undoubtedly is,
not in my house it isn’t!
is like watching someone expertly play a puzzle game — solving a Rubik’s cube, say, or beating a level of “Tetris.” You gaze in admiration as skilled hands slide pieces and panels from one place to the next until everything lines up exactly where it should. Chuck’s friends and enemies inadvertently guide him to the correct course of action. Wendy’s petulance puts her on the path toward a major breakthrough. Winston’s defection provides Wags with the fresh kill he requires.
“the people around chuck help him make the right choice. wendy’s character flaws help her make the right choice. winston is thrown to wags for him to tear apart like a side of beef. these are all comparable and equally indicative of good writing.”
Notably absent from this episode, barring a pointed glance or pained look here and there: Taylor, Wendy and Wags’s quest to stop their boss’s rise to power.
you could have ended that sentence at “taylor” and it would still be accurate.
Perhaps, chastened by Axe’s rejection last week, they’ve taken his “if you can’t beat him, join him” advice to heart, at least temporarily.
if you can’t beat him, beat the guy he wants to sue with hammers!
Before Wags takes charge of the operation, there’s some concern in the Prince Cap inner circle about destroying Winston publicly. Mike is running for president, after all, and America is a very pro-labor environment these days.
really makes you wonder why the last commentary anyone offers on winston is “spread this tale [of his humiliation] far and wide to anyone who will listen.” ?????
Vulture: Billions Recap: Hamster Wheel
It’s pretty hard to beat “Winston Dick Energy,”
haha hard to beat dick energy
Case in point, the best storyline of “Winston Dick Energy” is Wags’s orchestrated humiliation of Winston, his highly inappropriate brand name, and his risk-management software.
😒😒😒😒😒
Classic Billions sabotage and I loved every minute of it, but I don’t see how or if this plot device will affect Mike Prince’s presidential campaign.
on the one hand, it could set up a revenge plot for winston that negatively affects prince and his campaign. on the other hand, it could just be the result of the writers wanting to kick winston around for more than thirty seconds before writing him out and/or give wags someone to destroy, with no payoff intended ever.
On that note, the Wendy storyline this week is relatively straightforward: Ben Kim lets it slip that everyone at Prince Capital is cheating on Dr. Wendy Rhoades with Holland Taylor’s Dr. Eleanor Mayer — and that Mayer is the bee’s knees.
everyone except winston, of course!
And I have to suspect that someone is pulling the strings behind Mayer … (Axe? Prince?)
what??? why would you assume either of them is pulling her strings at this point? (especially axe — there’s no way he bothered to plant a therapist for taylor to consult and then recommend to their coworkers more than six months ago. he was busy war profiteering and not giving a fuck about the united states.)
The next morning, Wags hijacks Winston’s big pitch meeting right before the COOs show up. In front of Kate Sacker, Taylor, and Philip, Wags stages a twisted version of This Is Your Life (an old TV show enjoyed by members of the Greatest Generation), though Winston only has himself to blame for his pathetic internet search history — and his hacktivism.
oh my god! literal victim blaming! i should have put *that* on my season 7 bingo card!
And it’s not like MPC’s deal is that shabby: If Winston cooperates, he can come back and run the software himself.
first of all, he’s not going to come back to mpc in any meaningful sense. second of all, winston’s whole goal was to not have to work for mpc (or anyone else) ever again. being dragged back onto the hamster wheel — even if he isn’t physically in the cage — against his will is, in fact, a shabby deal!
What does work is a late-night intervention at Grant’s Tomb with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. (Ah, Billions — they do this because they can.) 
rarely has billions been more aptly and concisely described.
I do like how Billions deliberately avoids any mention of the name “Trump”: Senior’s story only needed the words “Bedminster golf club,” and “his first wife,” to get the point across.
ironically, i didn’t understand that joke at all until first reading this portion of this recap. my bad for not remembering the significance of bedminster golf club, clearly.
Fan Fun with Damian Lewis (Damianista): Billions on Showtime, Season 7 Episode 3: Winston Dick Energy
The first Axe-less episode in the final season has three storylines that are light-hearted compared to those in the first two.
oh, yeah, for sure. so glad we could take our minds off the looming threat of a fascist presidential candidate by watching half a dozen people (some of whom are ostensibly opposed to said presidential candidate) work together to stalk, assault, and blackmail their autistic former coworker because their ringleader desperately wants to RETVRN to the good old days when he could treat anyone he wanted like that. how lighthearted!
Even Rian, who seems to be the only one that will be missing Winston, finds it weird that she will miss her colleague, but then he was the only one that looked at her the same way after they were forced to move to the main floor which Rian calls “Princident.” Haha.
Talking about Rian, I wonder whether Prince put her name on the list he submitted to Bradford in the last episode…  but he is now in his office, I find him not attending Winston’s party a bit rude, talking to Bradford about his SuperPAC FEC disclosure that he will share with Chuck.
that is NOT what “princident” refers to, and you should realize that given that you referred to rian’s tryst with prince — the actual meaning of “princident” — in your very next thought.
It turns out WDE is an AI-based risk management software that can give a considerable bump to returns – exactly what Bradford asked Prince to do in their first meeting.
gee whiz! sounds like winston and his work are pretty valuable and prince et al should have tried harder to keep him around!
Wags follows Taylor and Philip, without asking for permission, to Winston’s apartment and adds  his “scaring him out of hiding” to carrots (“head of risk management”) and sticks (“a potential lawsuit”) Taylor and Philip use to have Winston surrender the code.
sure used the carrots & sticks analogy myself to describe everyone’s approach to winston this episode. pretty shortsighted of taylor to not realize that offering him another job at mpc would be a pathetic carrot. if he wanted to run his software for you, he’d have stayed and showed it to you, not left and sold it on his own.
I said it before and I will say it again. I do not get why Kate is still on Prince’s side. Is it really the future prospects she has when Prince is in the White House?
that, and the money, and the greater freedom she has when not under chuck’s thumb. she always saw her work at the sdny (and later, the nyag) as a launching pad for her future ambitions, not a calling in itself. that work was holding her back instead, so she left.
I do not buy it since Kate has always been very cautious in every step she has taken. So I cannot wrap my head around her staying with him even after she has found out about his untaxed billions in crypto! Could it be that she is a double agent of sorts?!?!
i highly doubt that she is a double agent at this juncture. (and she stayed with chuck for a long time even knowing he’d engaged in illegal conduct.)
Entertainment Weekly: Billions recap: Chuck and Prince's old rivalry re-emerges
[…]
you guessed it: no mention of taylor at all! normally i’d be mad, but in this case it seems quite appropriate.
The whole plot is wonderful, from Winston's epically tedious and uncaring "going away" party, to the scene where Wags lets loose on him at his apartment, planting a bug that eventually allows Wags and the team to track who Winston plans on pitching and ruin his chances.
wonderful! who wouldn’t be having tons of fun watching everyone’s collective boot stamp on one guy’s face forever!
Still, this is the best episode of the season so far because it does have quite a few entertaining scenes, and a lot of focus on character motivations.
sean and kyle have both expressed this opinion. we may as well be living in different worlds.
Fan Fun with Damian Lewis (Gingersnap): The Unbeatable, Unstoppable, Unparalleled MVPs from Billions Season 7 Episode 3 ‘Winston Dick Energy’
Gingersnap
Overall Episode MVP: Dr. Eleanor Mayer. What a rich character. Small but mighty! It’s that very allure why you don’t see her coming.
Wendy accuses her of rustling up her cattle (patients) but Dr. Mayer counters they weren’t noticeably branded until she dug deeper and found their burns. Ouch!
i took note of that line as well! the exact phrasing:
WENDY: You rustle someone’s cattle, they’re gonna come looking. Was it the welcoming literary patter that helped you snare my patients? DR. MAYER: I didn’t see your brand on them. At first. After talking to them, the burns became more visible.
get her ass, eleanor!
The Scandoval Award – And the winner is….Rian…for giving us a new portmanteau by combining Prince + incident into “Princident” to describe their *ahem* tryst.
at least someone at ffwdl realized what that referred to.
Food for Thought:
Hey Ben Kim, you can’t drink alcohol and take Wellbutrin. Next time lay off the Heineken at farewell parties. Tuk’s on Adderall and Ben’s on Wellbutrin. Is Dr. Eleanor Mayer an over-medicater???
i sure looked up whether or not it’s safe to mix wellbutrin and alcohol myself after this episode. (answer: it’s not advisable, since wellbutrin can reduce your alcohol tolerance, and both of them make seizures more likely. but you might be able to have small amounts of alcohol without it being a problem.) but you’re not supposed to mix mdma and alcohol, either, and somehow prince and rian managed just fine doing that in 6x10. (also, ben hadn’t taken his wellbutrin that day, which was why he approached wendy about it.)
without Getting Into the ethics of psychiatry and psychiatric medication, because i’m not qualified to talk about that: i don’t think “this psychiatrist has at least two patients who are each taking at least one medication” is really grounds to go “is this psychiatrist an over-medicator???” (also, we don’t even know if tuk’s adderall was prescribed or not.)
Lady Trader
[…]
The Most Loyal: When every other Prince Capper has cheated on Wendy with Mayer, Wags makes sure Wendy knows she will always be his “Dr. Mojo”. This is why you want Wags in the trenches with you!
well, wags is probably also the only prince capper that wendy would never screw over for her own benefit, so that’s no surprise.
The “Tell Me You Wrote Your Pitch Presentation with AI, Without Telling Me You Wrote Your Pitch Presentation with AI” Award: Winston. As someone who has read and had to write pitches, that description slide was as Auric Goldfinger once said “words you may have overheard which cannot possibly have any significance to you or your organization”. It said nothing at all. You disappoint me Mr. Winston!
here’s the full text of his pitch, for anyone who wants to judge it by this standard. as for my take on it, well…
Tumblr media Tumblr media
The Tired Old Trope Award: “hold the rich and powerful criminality accountable”,  trading and earning is an “addiction”, blah, blah, blahdy blah. We get it, the writers hate wealthy people, but I don’t see them doing what they do for free!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. oh, lady trader. you’re never going to figure out who that sign is for, are you?
The “Do Your Research” Award”: Wendy would not have been able to give Ben Kim his prescription for Wellbutrin with a prescription pad – beginning on March 16, 2017 all prescriptions in NYS must be electronic.  Also, Philip states that Winston’s risk management software is using ASI for risk mitigation. However ASI doesn’t exist yet. If I’m going to give credit when the writers get it right, well I got to call them when they flub too.
fair enough.
TheTailThatWagsTheDog
[…]
Biggest Absence – Dave?  No Dave?  Is she out of the picture now that Chuck has his own authority back? I still don’t buy Chuck getting the SDNY position back so easily. Who was occupying that spot before, and what happened to them? Too convenient for me.
i wondered about that as well. her absence in this episode and sacker’s in 7x02, despite both of them being series regulars, is a little concerning. as for chuck’s sdny spot, his quick return frankly was overly convenient, but billions is like that sometimes. and it’s possible that it was occupied by an acting / interim us attorney who wouldn’t have been around indefinitely anyway.
And now my update on the analogies/cultural references …
Worst Analogy Moment – Kate Sacker bringing up Phil Mickelson to Prince. This is exactly the kind of nonsensical reference that they have introduced ad nauseum over the past couple of seasons. It’s there because they want it there, not because it makes any sense. It feels totally out of character for someone like Sacker to bring up a person like Mickelson, and Prince’s response is so obvious.  Their writing can be so clever – they have proven this time and time again – and yet they too often fall back on these tired clichés. I wish they would stop.
Most Encouraging Analogy Moment – I did not hear one analogy out of Dr. Mayer.  Maybe she’s too old to do them? I don’t know – but it was wonderfully refreshing.  I hope she stays clean.
the references have always been there because the writers want them there. they’re entertaining themselves first and foremost.
the first line out of dr. mayer’s mouth was a quote from a room of one’s own, by virginia woolf, and wendy pointed this out twice within the next thirty seconds. did you not notice, or does this not count because it wasn’t in the form of an analogy?
Ending on a Good Note – I love the “three-dimensional game of chess” Chuck is now playing with Prince. That is the fun stuff. I do not know how this is all going to play out, but I am definitely invested – and that is what I want in my shows – keep me aching for more. So more of this intrigue, just less culture please!
highly entertained by someone asking for a tv show to have “less culture please!”
Fan Fun with Damian Lewis (Lady Trader): “From the Trader’s Desk”: Crisis of Confidence?
I was asked why MPC is claiming ownership of Winston’s software. If he developed it how does MPC have the rights to it? Well, the type of risk management software Winston is trying to sell would most certainly take months (if not years) to develop, code, back test, and debug. Which means there is no way he could have developed it overnight. If what Taylor says is correct, (that Winston used data to test his software using MPC trader transactions) then that also would make it property of MPC. By using data and equipment owned by MPC, legally Winston doesn’t own it. Could a court possibly rule that he co-owns it? Yes. Also, most funds would have a clause written in his contract that he would not be able to market any type of software for a stated period (usually 6-9 months). His best course of action would have been to offer it to MPC first to either buy him out or lease the program. If they passed, he then could have tried to get permission from MPC to market it to other firms. Just another example of unnecessary greed killing a golden goose.
lengthy, yes, but this is a helpful clarification on the (il)legality of winston selling his risk management software on his own. until the last sentence, which i’m guessing is referring to winston’s greed rather than mpc’s greed. can you perhaps think of any other reasons why winston would have wanted to sell his software on his own rather than via mpc? perhaps something he said outright, such as “i’m done working for other people”? take your time! i’m here all week!
It was good to see Wags, Wendy and Chuck get their belief in themselves back, all in different ways.
can’t say i agree!
Winston agrees let MPC license a watered-down version of the software to other firms, and Winston is a Prince Capper again, as Taylor will let him run it.
again, winston is not A Prince Capper Again in any meaningful sense, and it wouldn’t automatically be a good thing if he were!
Out of the three characters who are having confidence issues this week, Wendy would be the last person I would think would have any issues. It was very surprising to me to see her going on this journey, and she has always been the glue that held everything and everyone together.
skill issue.
I could understand why maybe Taylor would see someone else (Wendy did burn her pretty good with Taylor’s Dad back in S4E7) but the rest of the gang is shocking. They all see her as just a performance coach who only cares about results, and not a therapist they can talk to about anything. Wendy is wounded by their words.
have you seen the way wendy’s treated ben and tuk and rian in the past? it’s not at all surprising that they’d go to another therapist. and sacker and philip haven’t known wendy long enough to have any reason to trust her, especially after reading the draft of her book. the only one i’m at all surprised by is dollar bill.
But Mayer doesn’t think they do the same thing. And this is where Mayer loses me. She basically says that Wendy’s just a dealer keeping her addicted patients “on the hamster wheel”. What complete and utter bullshit. It can’t be that these people like what they do? It can’t be that they enjoy the feeling of being alive doing what they are good at?
THAT IS THE POINT. THAT’S THE QUESTION BEING ASKED. wendy and dr. mayer have different opinions about the reasons that the prince cappers do what they do! are you always this affronted when someone suggests that maybe working at a hedge fund isn’t the greatest job in the world? hell, have you registered any of the misery that these characters have experienced as a direct or indirect result of the work they do?
This doctor wants Wendy to free her patients, but I ask from what? You can want to improve yourself (and go see Mayer) but at the same time enjoy what you do and want to be the best at it (and see Wendy). I don’t see it as an either/or situation.
i put years of hard work into getting my capitalism degree at capitalism college & now everyones like “oh capitalisms bad”,“its ineffective” fuck off
I’m just afraid this “doctor” is going to mess with Wendy’s head. And a sharp and focused Wendy is what’s needed for Axe later in the season.
what’s needed *for axe*??? do you think she exists just to serve him??? in this of all seasons???
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45percenterthen · 1 year
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you are a lawyer and he is a hamster <- tweets i can’t stop thinking about. pleasing sentence to say. you are a lawyer and he is a hamster btw
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pillowspace · 9 months
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Can I say I love Moon God outfit so much? It's something I'll wear I have to admit.
I love your story so much! Is Moon worried Sun hasn't come to visit him? Who attacked Sun?
Aw thank you so much!
Moon is indeed very worried, he could even tell Sun was unconscious. As for that final question, my lawyer had advised me not to comment on the matter. Said lawyer is a hamster running on a wheel in a hamster business suit
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courtofmatchups · 6 months
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hey!! i saw your posts and I was like oml these are so cool so tysm if you do end up replying to this one<33
im 5’6, my pronouns are she/her, and im pansexual! I’m an INFP, I prefer to keep to myself, and usually dont initiate any unnecessary conversation with anybody but those im already close to. I do enjoy social settings with my friends quite a lot, but I need a break in between for some alone time otherwise I feel unfulfilled. I adore literature and art more than anything else, and I often write fanfiction, poetry, and anything that piques my interest. I love all forms of art, and I often visit art galleries with my sister, and half my room is dedicated to my art supplies. I love small cozy houses, and I love animals. If it were practical enough, id work in animal care. My favourite animal has to be cats though. Ive been told im very good at arguing and making my points, and when I was younger I considered being a lawyer. I sometimes have trouble with social confrontation, though when it comes to topics im passionate about, im very adamant in my opinions. I’m a very empathetic person, and I often find it very easy to put myself in another’s shoes and understand their viewpoint, even if I hate what they believe. I’ve been told my advice is often useful to my friends, however im not great at providing comfort, more at understanding somebodies’ situation and providing solutions. I find true crime interesting, and I enjoy playing horror games, though i cant deal with gore as I have a condition which causes me to pass out at sometimes the very implication of gore💀 I’m also an art major! (Tysm if you reply to this but dont at all feel forced <3)
It seems to me you've captured the heart of...
The Clement Prince
Aquia Avari!
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Hear me out! Your interests overlap with a lot of his. He's quite artistic himself, so he would love to support your hobbies also. He'd even like to draw some things for you too. Hell, he'd even know the best places on the Isle of Colde to check out art
He understands you needing to recharge after prolonged periods of time, so when he notices you becoming anxious or tired after being in a crowd for too long, he'd get you someplace quieter and calmer
Aquia would admire your passion about the things you feel strongly about. And your articulacy?? He is simultaneously intimidated and enamoured by you
Your empathy and kindness is something he admires also. He likes that you have a solution-based approach to solving your friends' problems, but he'll have to tell you if he'd rather have a shoulder to cry on rather than a solution when he's upset
Your enjoyment of true crime might take him aback at first, but I think he'd tell you about some true crime cases he learned about (if someone has a face as cute as this, there's a 30% chance they're into true crime or had an interest in true crime at one point). You don't have to worry too much about hearing about too much gore, he'll give you a warning ahead of time.
You love animals too? That's great! Because he loves animals too. If you ever get a cat, try to get one that doesn't like the taste of hamsters (Mel finna be ate otherwise)
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wayne-loxley · 1 year
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starter for @oliverlahnam
location ;; greystone complex ~ 5am
Wayne Loxley is a man who owns three phones, two of which are burners used for business. They tend to never ring, simply because those who are given the number know that Wayne doesn't enjoy playing with his (“precious”) time.
However, when they do ring, it always excites Wayne. Well, it usually does until he noticed who was calling and what they were talking about. Now he was just, meh. The excitement from seconds before quickly fading and became nothing by the time Wayne arrived at the Greystone Complex, the second most affordable housing in Roswell, New Mexico. While Wayne has nothing against the complex or the housing price, he didn’t want to particularly be here. Especially if he could be at home, drinking and watching movies.
Oh well, he’ll suck it up.
"The things I do.” Wayne mumbled, shaking his head as he removed a small item from his blazer. He fumbled it in his palms for a bit before he eventually pulled out the dingy sticks of metal. It’s been a hot minute since he picked a lock yet— skills like that don’t just disappear forever. Instead they become something as familiar and comfortable like the back of your hand. “C’mon—”
The words of personal encouragement fall dead, his hands becoming still with it… The moment the metal hit the cheap doorknob, the door squeaked to a small open. It caused a second of fear to pour over the lawyer, leaving him to stand and think about what to do next. He knows the police aren't quite active here, nonetheless existing, so there's no use in calling. And it’d be too much of a risk to wait to see if anyone comes out or goes in…
'Dammit.ʼ Wayne shakes his head, making up the dumb decision and acting upon it; entering the complex, that is. It’s definitely something incriminating, especially if a neighbor happens to appear and catch Wayne – a stranger to them – entering someone's home.
Frowning at the crying hinges, Wayne manages his way into the home. The smell of takeout smacking his nose as he used the bottom of his shoe to close the door. It’s not the smartest choice but it’s the best if he wants to avoid letting a possible burglar escape.
After a couple of seconds, Wayne ‘equipped’ himself with a frying pan – using a handkerchief to hold it – before stepping further into the place. Luckily, it was quite bare. The furniture was small, hard to hide behind and easy to see around. There were things laying around but a quick flick of his shoe showed there was nothing. All that was left in the living room was a 'pile of clothes,' in the far right corner…
Taking a deep breath, Wayne lifts the pan over his head, sticking out his left leg to allow his shoe to nest under the pile.
“Alright—” He bounces on his right leg.
“One…”
“…”
“—twothree!” The clothes fly, Wayne blindly strikes. “dammit.” He winced, letting out a curse with it as he drops the frying pan… There was a stool, holding the clothes. The surface mixed with the force of the frying pan made an aggressive vibration which didn’t work well with his hand. The tingling making the fingers ache faintly as Wayne rubs the center of his palm…
At least it wasn’t Oliver.
As Wayne was about to retrieve his weapon, the feeling of something hitting his leg caused him to slightly jump… It wasn’t until the thing squirmed off that he proceeded what it was.
A hamster, in a ball.
“You can’t be serious.” He mumbled, watching as the little creature scurried around. There was a faint mention of a hamster in a conversation forever ago but, Wayne never got the honor of meeting it. Not like he favors the little, rodents, much… “Alright, your serious.”
Wayne sighs, defeat withering over his sore shoulders. He wasn’t sure if he was embarrassed or just plain out disappointed. He couldn’t even explain his emotions at this moment, too overwhelmed and focused on watching the pet ram its little car against a door, the bedroom door. It was open but seemed to be stuck on something— to be honest, Oliver probably walked into the thing and broke it. That's just the luck he has.
With an excruciating breath, Wayne approached the bedroom, carefully bashing his shoulder into the door to force it open. It was darkness that welcomed him, along with the shape of a body cuddled under a heavy blanket.
—Now Wayne really regrets answering the call.
“Okay,” He huffed, shaking his shoulders to get everything going again. “Time to get up, asshat.” He then rips the blanket off Oliver, ignoring the new half-asleep sounds of protest. The drapes of the room flew open shortly after, the sun smacking Oliver straight in the face and filling the room with the much-needed light.
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musashi · 1 year
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You know that post about the lawyer dad losing the hamster and being so apologetic and saying he's not gonna go go work? Is that Phoenix Wright behaviour?????? I like to imagine it is every time it crosses my dash I'm like Phoenix calls Franziska to ask for advice its like 3am in Germany because he doesn't want Maya to know (I KNOW TRUCY EXISTS BUT MY BRAIN GOES MAYA GETS A HAMSTER: THE SECRET GAME HAH) so Fran cancels her court appearances for the week and goes to Japaniforna to help look for the hamster,, They're worsties in law your honour:)
im p sure its in my phoenix wright behaviour tag! honestly it is also miles edgeworth behaviour. and manfred von karma behaviour but i MIGHT just be saying that because every time i see that post i think about my dad irl and how this actually happened at my house once
i think its the intersection of 1. being a lawyer and 2. just fucking loving your daughter so much. so it applies to many of them
the franziska take is way funnier actually though. DO NOT CALL INTO WORK YOU FOOL HE IS A HAMSTER AND YOU ARE A LAWYER! "its for maya" "goddamnit. fuck. shit."
god. fran would. phoenix would. its all too real.
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