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chronicowboy · 1 year

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Eddie gets the call at 9:03 am, and hangs up on Bobby before he can even finish saying awake.

The drive to the hospital is a blur of green lights and bright morning sun.

He doesn't remember parking anymore than he remembers the pulling the ambulance's handbrake a full week ago.

He doesn't remember the half-walk, half-jog up to Buck's room anymore than he remembers the distant whisper of pain that had hit him when he'd been thrown off the truck.

He does remember the catatonic fear that had swallowed him whole, the screams that had torn his throat to shreds and still echo in his mind during moments of quiet that would usually be filled by Buck's random facts, the desperation that had possessed him as he tried to haul 200 pounds of dead weight up by a length of red cord with nothing more than some slick metal rungs for footing.

He remembers the agonising stretch of time - too much time - between lowering Buck to Bobby and flying down the ladder, the way his whole body had seized up in terror when he saw Chim performing CPR, the white-knuckled drive to the hospital wondering if he'd be the reason Buck died every time he had to press on the brake pedal, he remembers pushing Chim away and shocking Buck's heart back into rhythm.

Most of all he remembers telling Christopher what had happened. He'd barely been keeping it together ever since Bobby had pulled him into a hug, the only reason he hadn't let it go was because he needed to tell Chris and he wasn't sure he'd be able to if he let the reality set in. It didn't matter in the end. Watching Christopher's face crumple was enough to send him off the deep end.

Its a miracle he's still going.

Which is when he freezes in the middle of a busy hospital hallway.

He's thirty yards away from the door that leads to Buck's room, thirty yards away from a now awake Buck, thirty yards way from a Buck he was begging to wake up just yesterday.

But he can't move.

Something inside of him plants his feet to the floor and roots him there in the steady flow of nurses and doctors.

Its the same thing that tore the screams from his chest, the same thing that got him up to Buck on the ladder, the same thing that got the ambulance to the hospital.

Its the same thing that had him accepting Buck's offer to drive him to pick Christopher up after an earthquake, the same thing that had him calling up his attorney when he was still shivering, the same thing that made him meet Buck's eyes when he announced his transfer from the 118.

If he's really honest with himself, its the same thing that had him squaring up to Buck's challenging eyes in the dim lights of the loft kitchen, the same thing that had him reaching for Buck when his life was leaking out of his shoulder, the same thing that's had him scared to push anything with Buck for the past few months for feeling like he's always one step away from falling off the edge of something.

Its that same, utterly unknowable, wholly confusing thing that seems to be tied to Buck.

Its that thing that has him practicing one of Frank's breathing techniques as he sinks into a nearby chair.

Maybe he's a coward.

Maybe he's terrified of what he'll find.

Maybe he's tired of pretending that a relieved hey, Buck from the hospital doorway is all he wants to say.

All he knows is that every member of the 118 rushes right past him at some point.

Bobby's already in there.

Maddie comes next, flying past him, harried but smiling. Chimney's close behind with Jee-Yun propped on his hip.

Hen arrives about ten minutes later, already sniffling.

Athena is the last one to arrive, still in her uniform, and also the only one to see him. She sits down in the seat next to his with little fanfare, her only outward reaction the quick glance she shoots down the hallway.

"How is he?" she asks gently. Eddie only shrugs. Athena hums like she'd known the answer before she'd asked. "Poor boy is probably overwhelmed by his crazy family, smart of you to not add to that." Eddie scoffs. "You know, when Bobby stayed in that tunnel, all the tests that came after it, I made him promise to tell me the moment he got any news. I didn't care if I was in the middle of a covert operation, he was to call me up and blow my cover. But when the big call came, I'd had a night shift, so I was still in bed. I realised what was happening when the voices got closer, but when Bobby opened the door, I pretended to be asleep." He startles as Athena's hand finds his, but he tightens his grip on her fingers. "Call me selfish, but I was terrified. I knew he'd need me to be strong in that moment, but I didn't feel strong. And I hated myself for it the second he closed the bedroom door. But, I guess, fear for the people we love makes us irrational. It makes us angry and spiteful and, above all, it makes us brave. Because everything worth loving is worth all the terror in the world."

Athena pats his hand before standing and disappearing into Buck's room.

Eddie stays a coward.

Buck is worth all the goddamn fear in the universe, Eddie's just not brave enough to face up to what that means.

He's not sure how long he sits there, but its long enough to watch Athena return to the remainder of her shift. Long enough to watch Chim pass him by with a sleeping toddler cuddled against his chest and a confused look at Eddie. Long enough for Hen to pass him telling Karen that she'll pick Denny up from school because she's going that way anyway. Long enough for Bobby to hesitate in front of him before reappearing with two cups of shitty black coffee. Long enough for Maddie to come to a stop in front of them.

"Eddie," she breathes, slightly shaky but still smiling, "I was wondering where you were."

"I'm sorry, I-" He bites his lip to keep the pained noise locked in his throat. Its the first thing he's said since he dropped Chris off at school. "I couldn't-"

"I know." Maddie's eyes are warm and understanding, her expression a little too knowing.

"Is he-"

"He's fine. Asleep again," she sighs. "But the doctors said that he'll be very in and out of it for the next couple of days, so its nothing to worry about. He's just lethargic and achy, but he's already desperate to get home."

"Of course, he is," Bobby chuckles fondly. "You heard him asking about Christopher, of course he wants to go home."

Eddie squeezes his eyes shut against the dizzying sweep of something that rocks him to his core. He's not sure what provokes the reaction exactly, can't parse whether its the fact that Buck woke up and asked for his son, or the implication that Buck's home is with Eddie and Chris.

"I was actually coming to find you," Maddie directs this at Bobby, but her eyes stay on Eddie. "I have to go save Howie from his dad. I didn't want to leave him to wake up alone."

"I actually have to meet with the chief in half an hour, debrief him on the Buck situation."

Two pairs of eyes land on him.

"Would you," Eddie clears his throat, "would you pick Chris up after your meeting? Bring him here?"

"He's with Carla?" Bobby asks. Eddie nods. "Of course."

Eddie gets up before he can change his mind and marches down to Buck's door like a man on a mission. He hesitates at the threshold, hand hovering over the door knob, before pushing inside.

His breath catches.

For the past week, surrounded by all the machines, an array of tubes coming out of his body, blankets tucked up to his chin, Buck has looked terrifying. Too pale, too still, too troubled to pretend he was just sleeping. Eddie had no idea how Chris managed it. But, now, there's colour back in his cheeks, his curls messy on the pillow, face twitching in his sleep. He looks young and content and peaceful. He looks how he does when he's crashing on the Diaz couch.

Eddie collapses into the chair by Buck's bedside and reaches for his hand with a choked, little sob. He reaches up to brush a stray curl off of Buck's forehead when suddenly two stunningly blue eyes slowly crack open.

"Hey," Buck slurs, eyes fluttering shut once again.

"Hey, cowboy," Eddie whispers. Buck huffs a breathy laugh.

"S'rry, tried to stay awake for you." Buck leans into the featherlight touch of Eddie's fingertips on his skin, and Eddie is brave. He cups Buck's cheek.

"Sorry I took so long, but I'm here now."

"You're here." Buck smiles gently, already halfway back to sleep.

"Get some rest, Chris will be by later."

"I'll wake up when he gets here."

"I know you will."

#sami rambles #just wanted eddie to get his moment alone with buck so here #yes im writing these little ficlets to avoid uni assignments what about it #911 spoilers #911 show #911 fox #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie #buck x eddie #911 spec #911 fic #buddie fic #buck x eddie fic #911 spec fic #buddie fanfic

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