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hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

Honestly as far as the dog reactivity goes? pausing to work on her general confidence skills, her habits of/ability to control her vocalizations even if she is feeling big things, and just letting her brain grow out a little seems to be helping a lot. She very clearly wants to work more than she wants to yell, and it's just a matter of practicing impulse control and focus until we get there. (Also, pocket sized pouches of peanut butter, which can be offered for Look At That and licky time on the go, are a next level innovation idea one of my mentors had, and it is so handy for reactivity work.)

I really got to train her to grab something and hold it for me on cue, and ideally to pass me things: if she's holding something in her mouth, she can't yell, and my joints hurt when I bend over too far anyway so it would be genuinely convenient to have. besides if it's a frequently rewarded cue we practice all the time anyway then it's got more positive valence and will therefore be more salient and rewarding in a pinch, she clearly finds being useful almost as rewarding as getting paid.

i am not a smart man but i am a happy one, lookee what i found in the charity shop for £60:

shes so preeeeeettyyyyy. look at that gold scrollwork and fancy faceplate! if my v quick research is correct, she is a 201K3 from 1937!

and came with a little iron box of other feet AND her original instructions:

(with the book i have identified the quilting foot, 3? hemming feet (the 3 front ones?), an adjustable hemmer, a ruffler, and ~the tuckmaker~. as well as some misc extra bits i will figure out later

just checked it and while it definitely needs a careful clean and some fiddling with the tension, she is definitely functional! even her little light works!!

my grandma would be very proud that i remembered how to thread it with zero hesitation (if not this exact model, i was taught to sew on one very very similar)

however. i am not a smart man bc this lovely thing weighs a bulky 30lbs and the charity shop is a mile away. i found a trolley midway home and stole it for a little while but still. oooooft

Sol I gotta ask, when you read japanese, are you at the level where you can read it casually, or does understanding it still take effort? Because even though I've got the basic gist of my second language down, I still would struggle with picking up a novel and consuming it, actively translating the text in my brain takes so much extra effort than skimming words in english 🥲

If it's baby level I can read it just fine haha but longer stuff is impossible without Yomitan because there are just so... many..... kanji......... Picking up a physical novel or newspaper and being able to understand 100% of it is still beyond my skill level, but I am probably at least to a point where I could give like a vague summary of what's happening.

I'm not sure how many kanji I have memorized exactly... When I started the Begin translation a few years back I probably knew maybe 200 (what was I doing translating books at just 200 kanji?!?) and I'd be surprised if I knew less than 800 now, which is nearly a third of the recommended number needed to fully understand a newspaper (~2200). That's just kanji though, my actual vocabulary is a lot higher than that lol

I'd love to take an actual Japanese class some day... Self study has gotten me REALLY far but, like you, there are a lot of times where I have to translate it into English before it clicks with my brain, and I think I would be a lot more efficient at translating in general too if I had more professional studying. Maybe some day!!

Moving back home as usual oscillates wildly between appreciating the familiarity and structure and thinking “oh god I need to move out” every third hour.

.

I do not (!!) need another handicraft hobby right now but man. this drop spindle is calling my name

My work schedule was different this week and it has had my cat in a tizzy and she ended up falling asleep on me

my villain origin story is my mall closing barnes and noble for the summer for renovations NOW where am i supposed to write my 9k word old man yuri slowburns

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hate that i have to come out. i hate that!!! i hate that if i want to experience a modicum of gender peace for these upcoming two years i have to tell my new teachers that im nonbinary and would like to use [this name] even though none of my official papers have it on them, and probably wont, cuz its not A Name that i can confidently believe will pass the naming convention.. laws... of this country. I HATE THAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO PLEAD MY CASE AND EXPLAIN MYSELF. im trying to construct this message that i’ve got no idea will even be read or noted just to have it in my student record somewhere that “hey im SOOOO sorry but if its not a problem to you i would love to feel like a human person even on a name-basis during my studies and im MORE than fine to be otherwise (mis)gendered as long as its not a problem to YOUUUUU also i know that my legal name is literally on show in every school email and profile so whatever i say here matters none cause everyone will only see that clearly gendered name and not give a flying fuck about this “”nickname”” im trying to get going since its not my LEEEGAAALL name but thats also so fine with me if i could Just get the clear to sign my emails and whatsapp messages with my preferred name thankyouuu :)” 

sorry im always complaining here it gets ANNOYING. im mostly trying to get my own brain straight about this matter. uhggh BUT ITS SO AWKWARD TO WRITE THAT MESSAGE. i dont want to explain myself but i also dont! want! to make a scene!!!! im so pissed off at myself for not opening my DAMN MOUTH when the group-wide introductions happened this week. shoulda just bit the bullet and said ive got [this] name in official papers but would prefer to be called särmä. literally could feel the nerve escaping my body when it came to my turn. fucking hell

(EDIT ive calmed down. i didnt send the message fuck this noise, im just gonna hope that i’ll get it out face to face this next week [biting through glass])

genuinely wonder how many more people would give gashu the hiyori treatment if only he were a bit more conventionally attractive. you know?

im an EXTROVERT why am i REHEARSING how to INTRODUCE MYSELF at this event ive been looking forward to for DAYS

other early buffy bi-coding includes: both her heart & spirit being initially coded as gay/bisexual (the writers weren’t sure which till tara came into the picture, & according to a semi-recent article, of which label pretty much until willow came out) & were intended as such, as the writers always knew one of them was going to come out.