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5ummit · 4 months

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AO3 Ship Stats: Year In Bad Data

You may have seen this AO3 Year In Review.

It hasn’t crossed my tumblr dash but it sure is circulating on twitter with 3.5M views, 10K likes, 17K retweets and counting. Normally this would be great! I love data and charts and comparisons!

Except this data is GARBAGE and belongs in the TRASH.

I first noticed something fishy when I realized that Steve/Bucky – the 5th largest ship on AO3 by total fic count – wasn’t on this Top 100 list anywhere. I know Marvel’s popularity has fallen in recent years, but not that much. Especially considering some of the other ships that made it on the list. You mean to tell me a femslash HP ship (Mary MacDonald/Lily Potter) in which one half of the pairing was so minor I had to look up her name because she was only mentioned once in a single flashback scene beat fandom juggernaut Stucky? I call bullshit.

Now obviously jumping to conclusions based on gut instinct alone is horrible practice... but it is a good place to start. So let’s look at the actual numbers and discover why this entire dataset sits on a throne of lies.

Here are the results of filtering the Steve/Bucky tag for all works created between Jan 1, 2023 and Dec 31, 2023:

Not only would that place Steve/Bucky at #23 on this list, if the other counts are correct (hint: they're not), it’s also well above the 1520-new-work cutoff of the #100 spot. So how the fuck is it not on the list? Let’s check out the author’s FAQ to see if there’s some important factor we’re missing.

The first thing you’ll probably notice in the FAQ is that the data is being scraped from publicly available works. That means anything privated and only accessible to logged-in users isn’t counted. This is Sin #1. Already the data is inaccurate because we’re not actually counting all of the published fics, but the bots needed to do data collection on this scale can't easily scrape privated fics so I kinda get it. We’ll roll with this for now and see if it at least makes the numbers make more sense:

Nope. Logging out only reduced the total by a couple hundred. Even if one were to choose the most restrictive possible definition of "new works" and filter out all crossovers and incomplete fics, Steve/Bucky would still have a yearly total of 2,305. Yet the list claims their total is somewhere below 1,500? What the fuck is going on here?

Let’s look at another ship for comparison. This time one that’s very recent and popular enough to make it on the list so we have an actual reference value for comparison: Nick/Charlie (Heartstopper). According to the list, this ship sits at #34 this year with a total of 2630 new works. But what’s AO3 say?

Off by a hundred or so but the values are much closer at least!

If we dig further into the FAQ though we discover Sin #2 (and the most egregious): the counting method. The yearly fic counts are NOT determined by filtering for a certain time period, they’re determined by simply taking a snapshot of the total number of fics in a ship tag at the end of the year and subtracting the previous end-of-year total. For example, if you check a ship tag on Jan 1, 2023 and it has 10,000 fics and check it again on Jan 1, 2024 and it now has 12,000 fics, the difference (2,000) would be the number of "new works" on this chart.

At first glance this subtraction method might seem like a perfectly valid way to count fics, and it’s certainly the easiest way, but it can and did have major consequences to the point of making the entire dataset functionally meaningless. Why? If any older works are deleted or privated, every single one of those will be subtracted from the current year fic count. And to make the problem even worse, beginning at the end of last year there was a big scare about AI scraping fics from AO3, which caused hundreds, if not thousands, of users to lock down their fics or delete them.

The magnitude of this fuck up may not be immediately obvious so let’s look at an example to see how this works in practice.

Say we have two ships. Ship A is more than a decade old with a large fanbase. Ship B is only a couple years old but gaining traction. On Jan 1, 2023, Ship A had a catalog of 50,000 fics and ship B had 5,000. Both ships have 3,000 new works published in 2023. However, 4% of the older works in each fandom were either privated or deleted during that same time (this percentage is was just chosen to make the math easy but it’s close to reality).

Ship A: 50,000 x 4% = 2,000 removed works Ship B: 5,000 x 4% = 200 removed works

Ship A: 3,000 - 2,000 = 1,000 "new" works Ship B: 3,000 - 200 = 2,800 "new" works

This gives Ship A a net gain of 1,000 and Ship B a net gain of 2,800 despite both fandoms producing the exact same number of new works that year. And neither one of these reported counts are the actual new works count (3,000). THIS explains the drastic difference in ranking between a ship like Steve/Bucky and Nick/Charlie.

How is this a useful measure of anything? You can't draw any conclusions about the current size and popularity of a fandom based on this data.

With this system, not only is the reported "new works" count incorrect, the older, larger fandom will always be punished and it’s count disproportionately reduced simply for the sin of being an older, larger fandom. This example doesn’t even take into account that people are going to be way more likely to delete an old fic they're no longer proud of in a fandom they no longer care about than a fic that was just written, so the deletion percentage for the older fandom should theoretically be even larger in comparison.

And if that wasn't bad enough, the author of this "study" KNEW the data was tainted and chose to present it as meaningful anyway. You will only find this if you click through to the FAQ and read about the author’s methodology, something 99.99% of people will NOT do (and even those who do may not understand the true significance of this problem):

The author may try to argue their post states that the tags "which had the greatest gain in total public fanworks” are shown on the chart, which makes it not a lie, but a error on the viewer’s part in not interpreting their data correctly. This is bullshit. Their chart CLEARLY titles the fic count column “New Works” which it explicitly is NOT, by their own admission! It should be titled “Net Gain in Works” or something similar.

Even if it were correctly titled though, the general public would not understand the difference, would interpret the numbers as new works anyway (because net gain is functionally meaningless as we've just discovered), and would base conclusions on their incorrect assumptions. There’s no getting around that… other than doing the counts correctly in the first place. This would be a much larger task but I strongly believe you shouldn’t take on a project like this if you can’t do it right.

To sum up, just because someone put a lot of work into gathering data and making a nice color-coded chart, doesn’t mean the data is GOOD or VALUABLE.

#ao3 #ao3 stats #psa #my words #fandom #I doubt anyone is even going to read this but I needed to get it out of my system and at least try to stop this from spreading #if you know me #you know I get Big Mad about misinformation #don't take anything at face value #do your own research

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poppyseedsphone · 2 years

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My older sister has had an OC named Bowl (a wooden bowl) for many years, he was one of her first object OCs.

Bowl was a bully. One day, and this is in more recent times, she’s had Bowl since like 2011, I told her, “you know I always thought it was pretty clever how you made your bully character a bowl. Like, you could’ve named him Bowly.”

And she just about collapsed in shame because I spent all these years thinking it was intentional and it… wasn’t. I thought she decided not to name him Bowly so that the reason he’s a bowl would be more of a hidden meaning, but no, she literally never made that connection ever.

#object ocs #object oc #osc #object shows #I CAN LITERALLY REMEMBER THINKING NOT THAT LONG AFTER HE WAS MADE ‘why isn’t he named Bowly’#ALL THESE YEARS. I CAME TO THE CONCLUSION IT WAS INTENTIONAL. IT WASNT.#it’s funny cuz even tho ‘jerk’ is a popular term in this fandom we rarely referred to him as such and went for ‘bully’ instead #not out of anything except thinking it suited him more. not sure why. I guess he did go out of his way to pick on people relentlessly

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ao3commentoftheday · 6 months

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Not really a question, but I wanted to tag onto all the asks people have been sending about getting traction for their fics.

I’ve been writing fanfic for 10+ years now and I know that’s not a lot, and when I first started I was god-awful… but guess what? I was really popular for some reason and I didn’t know why. I guess people enjoyed what I wrote because I clearly had so much fun doing it when I look back on it.

But through the years, my writing has changed and my fandoms have changed. I now write for fandoms that are barely active or have little content to begin with. My last fic has 5 kudos and 2 comments, with 129 hits. Posted two months ago. And I have to ask myself: does it matter what the stats are, when I write for myself?

Before, when I was younger, I loved the validation and attention. Honestly even now, who doesn’t love validation? It tells you you’re good. But what I’ve learned after all this time is that I am good on my own and I don’t need someone to tell me that. I love my writing.

But the most important thing is that I know what my writing means to me and its worth. After all this time, my writing has become my safe space, my comfort zone, the place I can escape to when I am hurt, overjoyed, angry or incredibly sad. My writing is mine and no one can take that away from me.

So at the end of the day, the value of my writing is worth far more than some numbers on ao3 or fanfiction. So I guess what I want to say is: even if 1 person or 100 people read it, your writing is good on its own. You should be proud, because writing is not easy and putting it out there for others to read isn’t easier. The worth of your writing is what you believe it is, not what anyone else says or what numbers say. Just my 2 cents. <3

well said ❤️❤️❤️

#asks and answers

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dannyricsmirrorball · 20 days

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obsessed • pg10 ੈ✩‧₊˚

ੈ✩‧₊˚ pairings || pierre gasly x girlfriend!reader

ੈ✩‧₊˚ genre || social media au

ੈ✩‧₊˚ summary || inspired by olivia rodrigo’s obsessed. reader is pierre’s new girlfriend who happens to be a pop-star who can’t shake off this obsession she has with his ex.

alt. y/n is obsessed with pierre's ex.

ੈ✩‧₊˚ warning || jealousy? reference to pierre & kika as exes, reader is kind of crazy

ੈ✩‧₊˚ a/n || psa. i love kika so no hate!!!

liked by pierregasly, charles_leclerc, and 109,082 others

yourusername kisses <3

tagged pierregasly

pierregasly mon amour ❤️

⤷ yourusername mon cœur ❤️

username18 awww i love them sm

username1 last photo is sawr cute

alexandrasaintmleux charles has a picture just like that

⤷ yourusername ofc he does 🙄

⤷ charles_leclerc ?!?

⤷ pierregasly don’t be embarrassed calamari 😉

username73 does she remind anyone else of kika?

⤷ username14 i agree! like her vibes are so similar and even the photos she takes w pierre remind me of kika and pierre

⤷ username36 yeah she’s an international popstar and kika is a glorified influencer… so similar liked by yourusername

⤷ username2 no need to hate on kika, she’s a really popular model but i agree they aren’t the same

⤷ username36 y/n liked my comment?! and then unliked 😭

gracieabrams cutie pie

liked by yourusername, username17, and 17,092 others

f1couxples missing our favourite couple 💔

tagged pierregasly, francisca.cgomes

username13 they were so perfect why did they have to break up?!

username64 he’s in a relationship!!! get over it, u don’t know these people!

username18 they’ve both moved on lol

username91 everybody moved on… i stayed here

username83 i’m deadddd not y/n accidentally liking 😭

⤷ username77 hahahah this isn’t even the first time like girl u are not beating the stalking pierre’s tags allegations

⤷ username35 i reckon she stalks kika’s tags actually 😭 there’s been times she’s liked kika fan acc posts by accident bahahahah

⤷ username9 she’s so feral,, pierre literally left kika for her and she’s still acting like this

⤷ username61 you’d think she was in love w HER and not pierre

liked by yourusername, lailahasanovic, and 135,864 others

francisca.cgomes last night 👄

username81 the prettiest girl in the world

username14 y/n lurking in the likes yet again 😭

⤷ username74 aren’t they friends tho?

⤷ username46 i mean pierre broke up w her for y/n so erm idk if kika would call her a friend

⤷ username71 you’d think they’re best friends from how often i see her on kika’s page

username17 pierre fumbled

⤷ username62 he fumbled a baddie for another more unhinged crazier baddie

liked by username72, username10, and 14,029 others

f1wagcentral kika talking about y/n on portuguese radio show some time ago - when her and pierre were still together (10/3/2023)

username61 nah her saying jealousy, jealousy is crazy

⤷ username3 why? i’m new to the fandom

⤷ username61 basically jealousy, jealousy is about kika - well allegedly but it’s really obvious

⤷ username3 oh i thought they were good friends when kika and pierre were together?

⤷ username61 well i mean yeah but everyone else could tell that she was in love w pierre (even kika)

username35 forever missing the friendship we could’ve had between these two

liked by username79, yourusername, and 21,029 others

f1wagcentral NEW! ex-wag kika talking about her ex boyfriend, pierre gasly’s current girlfriend, y/n y/l/n’s new album GUTS. (13/1/2024)

username14 kika is better than me bc if my ex left me for his girl best friend he told me not to worry about (that acted like my best friend and wrote songs about me) i would not be this nice

username61 classy girl

username91 i could not be kika bc her situation would ruin y/n’s music for me but like i could not imagine life without it 😭

username2 why are they still asking this poor girl questions abt her ex’s ex?

liked by luisinhaoliveira99, flavy.barla, and 183,761 others

yourusername loml

tagged pierregasly

username13 pinterest couple

username63 gagged bc isn’t this the same dress kika wore last week

⤷ username4 yes. yes it is. 😭

pierregasly ❤️

⤷ yourusername ❤️

username35 making me feel single in every way possible

charles_leclerc 3rd slide 🥵

⤷ alexandrasaintmleux 2nd slide 🥵

⤷ yourusername 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

⤷ pierregasly 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

liked by magui_corceiro, alexandrasaintmleux, and 98,747 others

francisca.cgomes reflexões

username81 the prettiest girl ever

alexandrasaintmleux 😍

magui_corceiro lindaaa 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

username46 out of this world

ben_thorne cool girl

carmenmmundt gorgeous ❤️

liked by pierregasly, alpinef1, and 150,738 others

yourusername play mirrors by justin timberlake

username18 she’s crazy

username84 no way she just blatantly copied kika 😭😭

⤷ username17 wow mirror selfies how original

⤷ username84 i mean u have to admit it can’t be a coincidence that she posted a post w all mirror selfies even mentioning it in the caption right after kiak did the same thing. but i can’t blame her after everyone keeps rubbing kika and pierre in her face still

pierregasly mon cœur ❤️

⤷ alex_albon mate she’s crazy

⤷ lilymhe but she’s free!

alexandrasaintmleux y/n 😭

⤷ yourusername alex 😛

charles_leclerc HAHAHAHHA

liked by alex_albon, lewishamilton, and 128,208 others

yourusername love ya london

tagged pierregasly, lewishamilton

username17 my parents frrrr

username83 not sir lewis 💀

lewishamilton 🤣

username91 almost forgot she was a singer bc we’ve been in a music DROUGHT

username73 THIS IS NOT A DRILL Y/N BACK IN THE STUDIO!! 🚨

sabrinacarpenter keen baby 💋👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

pierregasly love ya 😜

⤷ yourusername 😐

pierregasly belle ❤️

pierregasly my pretty gorgeous girlfriend

pierregasly mon amour 🙏

⤷ yourusername no. stop trying.

⤷ pierregasly but you let alex listen?!

⤷ alexandrasaintmleux i’m her wife ofc she let me listen

⤷ pierregasly dégagé

⤷ charles_leclerc stay mad

⤷ pierregasly NO HIM TOO???

⤷ alex_albon when u said alex hope u know that meant both…

⤷ lilymhe and me 😊

⤷ pierregasly wtf.

⤷ charles_leclerc mate i think it’s better for YOU not to listen

username17 omg what do we think the new music is about?! she didn’t let pierre listen but everyone else??? a love song?!

⤷ alex_albon you could call it that i guess…

liked by yourusername

liked by ben_thorne, yukitsunoda0511, and 201,829 others

yourusername 🔜

username81 i can’t wait any longerrrr

username2 album? ep? single?

⤷ yourusername single 💋💋

⤷ username2 we’ll take what we can get!!!

username62 the song HAS to be a love song she keeps using pics of pierre

⤷ username3 or she’s just that obsessed

⤷ alexandrasaintmleux @yourusername lol

⤷ yourusername lol.

⤷ charles_leclerc HAHHAAHHAHAH

⤷ username3 WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!

francisca.cgomes excited 💗!!!

⤷ yourusername 🤍

⤷ username7 y/n kika interaction in the good year of 2024 🙏

username17 eeee so excited

username65 finally a love song from our queen!

username80 awww can’t wait for a cutsie love song for pierre

alex_albon everyone in the comments is in for a nice surprise

⤷ yourusername 😭

liked by sabrinacarpenter, pierregasly, and 309,028 others

yourusername obsessed out now on all platforms (+mv) 💋

username71 AHHAHA NO FUCKING WAY

username9 that shit hittttt

francisca.cgomes can’t wait abt to give a listen 🩷

⤷ username81 oh- girl…

⤷ username7 the deleted comment 😭😭

alexandrasaintmleux my unhinged wife 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

charles_leclerc crazy woman

username4 her BLOOD TYPE?!

landonorris banger i reckon

username61 IS SHE GOOD IN BED? girl if u don’t stand tf upppp

username7 all this sleep lost over a french man

pierregasly mon dieu bebe😭

⤷ yourusername i love you 🥰

⤷ pierregasly i love you too…

username16 i get her tho i mean i would also be obsessed w my bf’s ex if she was kika mf gomes

⤷ username7 valid but like also shes y/n mf y/l/n

username81 everyone gagged but this is the same girl who wrote jealousy jealousy allegedly also abt kika 😭😭

⤷ username72 also i feel like her online behaviour very much supports this song…

username27 need someone to make a run down of the lyrics and the irl counterparts

⤷ f1couxples on it 🫡

liked by charles_leclerc, yourusername, and 1,082,747 others

pierregasly my crazy baby released a song about how crazy she is for me ❤️

tagged yourusername

yourusername crazy for u baby 🥹

⤷ pierregasly my gremlin

charles_leclerc you make her seem so sweet

username61 my guys is loving this

username84 i just know pierre secretly loves that she’s so feral about him

landonorris 🦶🦶?!? @yourusername

⤷ yourusername fuck off

username73 still need that lyric breakdown

⤷ f1couxples coming up

liked by username8, username74, and 20,0828 others

f1couxples BREAKDOWN of obsessed by y/n y/l/n

singer-songwriter, y/n y/l/n, the girlfriend of pierre gasly has released a song obsessed that many fans suspect is about the driver’s ex girlfriend - francisca gomes. for context, y/n and pierre are childhood best friends. during the time kika and pierre dated (2022-2023) fans observed y/n’s somewhat jealous behaviour which finally materialised when pierre left kika and after a matter of weeks was seen with his best friend.

here’s a breakdown of some of the lyrics! reminder this is all personal opinion and no hate to anyone involved!

If I told you how much I think about her

You'd think I was in love

And if you knew how much I looked at her pictures

You would think we're best friends

this in general just can be brought down to all the times y/n has been caught accidentally liking fan acc posts of kika or kika&pierre. stalking queen 🫡🫡

'Cause I know her star sign, I know her blood type

in the third picture we have a screenshot from an interview on a popular portuguese radio show. she talks about how y/n did her entire zodiac chart!

She's talented, she's good with kids

random but kika is known for her large family and often posts with her many little cousins and nieces/nephews - especially when she was with pierre (last slide)

She even speaks kindly about me, ha-huh

the third photo is a screenshot from interview kika did in barcelona- she praises y/n and gives many nice comments. there are various other instances where kika says kind words about y/n.

But every time you call my name, I think you mistake me for her

the 5th photo in the carousel is from the 2023 vegas gp, kika’s visibly upset facial expression and the physical distance between the couple is apparently due to a fight they had earlier in the paddock. bystanders and a small audio evidence clip suggest that pierre accidentally called kika ‘y/n’ during their argument - so really pierre actually mistook kika for y/n 😬

You both have moved on, you don't even talk

obviously pierre moved on very quickly with y/n (many believing he broke up with kika just to be with y/n) as well kika has been seen on dates since the break up. additonallu, although the pair still follow eachother and have stated they remain friends- kika and pierre have not liked any posts of the others and haven’t been seen interacting even when kika has visited the paddock.

Is she friends with your friends? Is she good in bed?

as seen in the fourth photo, kika was very good friends with pierre’s friends especially his trainer ben thorne and close friend ilies nadri. as well, all of pierre’s friends still follow kika including charles leclerc.

francisca.cgomes uploaded to their story

francisca.gomes uploaded to their story

yourusername uploaded to their story

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

first one in awhile! lmk what u think x

#formula 1 #pierre gasly x reader #pierre gasly #charles leclerc #f1 x reader #social media au #charles leclerc x reader #alexandra saint mleux #francisca cerqueira gomes #kika gomes #lando norris #lily muni he #formula 1 x reader #formula one

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themillsdaughter · 8 days

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a privilege I deprive myself of

Synopsis: you would rather chew glass than see Melissa yearn for something and not have it delivered to her. the thing, however, is that your life is a shitshow, and what was meant to be an act of kindness upends any effort you've made throughout the years to keep your feelings hidden.

or slightly insecure! Melissa and traumatized! reader in a Valentine's Day au inspired by this prompt.

Words: 3.9k

Warnings: Talks of body image.

Also, my first time dabbling in this fandom and character, so... Hope you like it!

This isn’t ideal.

Valentine's Day has never been your favorite. Truthfully, you think it’s only yet another excuse for Capitalism to suck some extra cash out of millions of pockets.

You’ve thought this your entire life, regardless of being in a relationship or not. The thing, however, is that you live in a capitalist society and escaping the emotional reliance on the holiday is damn near impossible. So, throughout the years, you’ve come to terms with at least doing something for partners on the day.

Well, that is, until you’d walked in your apartment one day and found your girlfriend straddling a woman you’d never seen before.

This year, you’re single, so the whole thing had just slipped into the background, a red and pink festival more than anything else, really.

“You’re not doing anything?” Janine had asked a few days before in the teachers' lounge, brow furrowed, pity shining in her eyes. Dear God. “You know, Galentine’s Day is really popular now.”

“Honey, I barely want to celebrate the day when I have someone. Why would I make a fuss now that I have an out?” You’d gone back to grading, trying your damnest not to roll your eyes.

“Well, Tariq used to be like that, too. Even though we were together. Sometimes he would forget and go on trips, and those times were pretty lonely… You know, with all the hearts and chocolate and candles and couples around. Not that that’s the case this year, you know. I’m with Maurice, and he’s super attentive.” Her uncomfortable fidgeting had made her chair squeak. As sweet as she is, she should really learn how to stop projecting. “Anyways, I just worry about you. I don’t want you to feel lonely.”

“I don’t.”

“She doesn’t.” Melissa had said, at the same time as you. Looking up from the papers, you’d shared a grin with her. “She has enough wondering thoughts to keep her company.”

Finally, you’d given into your urge and rolled your eyes.

So this really isn’t ideal.

“I think this one is too tight, though.” The voice coming from your phone said. You turned the heat from the stove down, placed a half-lid over the pan, and picked up the device from the counter. On the screen, you saw something that made you pull out a stool from your island and thank God that the woman on the other side of the line was too busy looking at herself in the mirror, brows furiously furrowed, to notice.

Melissa had her hair up in a messy bun, her old pair of glasses hanging in the middle of her nose, and a dark red dress on that stole the breath from your lungs.

The material was soft, with satin-like finish, puffy long sleeves, a square neckline that showed her cleavage to perfection and a skirt that hit her a few inches above her knees.

Nervously, her hands tried to smooth over the creases formed on the dress by her belly.

“Maybe I could wear some spanks” she sighed. “It’s too tight, right?” She turned back to where the phone was, asking you directly.

For a few seconds, you struggled to think of something other than ‘uh’ to say. Melissa is stunning and, in those moments, you wished you’d been braver back when you’d had the chance. Maybe, she’d be asking Barbara this, getting ready as a surprise for you, not for somebody else.

In a breath, you swallowed that feeling, locking it away with all the ones of its kind, somewhere deep, deep in your soul.

“Hun? It’s too tight, isn’t it? Who the fuck do I think I am trying on something like this.” She’d taken your silence as disapproval, and if she only knew you’d only want to see that off of her if you’d taken it out yourself…

“Shut up, will you?” You finally said. “It’s gorgeous, it looks awesome on you.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s the nicest one of the bunch.”

“I don’t know if I have spanks short enough for it, though. And I need something to get this under control.” She pushed her belly in again, and it enraged you.

“Anyone who doesn’t find that hot is not someone you should listen to.” You said, holding back the rant that always appeared on the tip of your tongue when she said shit like this.

Honestly, the struggle of straight men to like women is mind-boggling.

“You might just be too gay for this.” Melissa snorted, going into her drawer in search of the spanks.

“Well, fuck you very much.”

She barked out a laugh, and you let go of your phone to stir the food you were cooking, glad for a break from the glory of the woman you did not love like that.

Which is yet another reason why this isn’t ideal.

You don’t really care for Valentine's Day, but on the morning of the 14th, Melissa had seemed off. You tried touching on the subject while you two got coffee, as weak as Abbott’s brew always was, however, Gary walked in in all of his mustached glory and her attention immediately shifted to him.

He’s her boyfriend, it’s Valentine's Day, it was only logical.

She gave him hint after hint, pushed her shoulders a bit back, highlighting her breasts just slightly, cocked her hips some while leaning against the sink, licked her lips more than usual, everything to get an ounce of attention back. The absolute idiot fussed over the vending machine, mumbled a few words to her, eyes not even moving in her direction, before leaving with a “see ya later” tossed behind him.

The look that had taken over her face then had made your heart sink.

“He’s been like this all week.” She said during lunch break in your car. “Barbara thinks he might be planning something, says he’s not cheating, but I don’t know… I tried fooling myself with getting the perfect outfit, getting my hair and my nails done, but he hasn’t mentioned any plans, and he’s been so fucking distant, he doesn’t even seem like himself. And I really can’t handle another Joe situation.” Taking the last bite of the Shepard’s pie you’d brought her, she leaned her head against the rest.

To nearly everybody else here, she shows her angry, reactive, gray side. It’s easier for her, something that still makes her an outcast, but firmly protects her inner-self. But some magical, all-powerful, incredible being out there had made it so you were the one she chose to show her other side to, the one that is not always confident, not in her worth or her looks or her ability as a teacher.

The one that loves so intensely it scares her, and the one that has so many scars she spends half her time trying to heal them, or, at the very least, stop them from bleeding all over the place and being visible to the outside world.

“What do you think?” She said, bringing you back to the inside of your 2010s Honda. “You’ve always been better at these things.”

“Do I think he’s cheating on you?”

She nodded.

“Well, first of all, if he is, he is an absolute deepshit who doesn’t know how to count his blessing for you even giving him the time of day.”

You looked into her eyes while you said it, and she turned her head after, staring at the Tupperware in her hands. You thought you saw a blush creeping up on her cheeks.

“But I don’t think he is. Hey, maybe he’s just seen Valentine’s Day for what it is!” You nudged her arm with the back of your hand. “Maybe you’re the one who has to get on board.”

She relented a smile then, but it didn’t last.

“Mel, I think you’ll just have to ride this one out. Wait until the end of the day, so then you can actually have a conversation with him. If he really forgot or if there’s really something wrong, you’ll find out, but, honestly, me? I think he might just have some goofy-ass surprise planned.”

Melissa nodded while keeping her gaze out the window.

There’s a beat, then another, and you thought perhaps you’d convinced her, and she was only taking some time to absorb it.

“You know, you may not feel lonely with this kind of stuff, but…” She paused, voice tired, heart bearing all those tender scars, “I think I’m more like Janine than I’d thought.”

So, hm, this isn’t ideal.

You’d be damned if you let a man who didn’t realize the one in a million he had found ruin Melissa’s day.

Even if Valentine’s Day was traumatic for you, even if it was silly and forced and the world would be better off without it, Melissa was Melissa, and she deserved everything she wanted out of life. You’d thought Gary would see it, but if he didn’t, it’s up to you, even with all your emotional limitations.

So you wrote a little card. Nothing much, just made out of a fancier piece of purple paper you’d had lying around the classroom, with a heart-sticker you’d found at the bottom of your purse decorating the front page. Inside, the note wasn’t all that special, just enough for her to know she would never be alone. That you loved her. That she’d always have you, even if one day she didn’t have anyone else. That she’s your favorite, and if she wanted to, you’d take her out for dinner yourself.

As a friend, of course. Truly.

The fact she made your chest inflate and your pressure drop and a flock of butterflies run a full marathon in your stomach were not things that were included.

After sending the students home, saying goodbye to everyone else (Gregory and his Legos, Janine and her designer bag she knew nothing about, Ava and her many flings and Jacob and his slam poetry), you’d walked to the lounge, where you’d seen Barb and Mel walking towards only a few minutes earlier.

On the way there, you’d seen a bouquet of gerberas discarded on the hallway floor. You’d wondered if a poor kid had gotten broken up with on that day of all days, or if the bouquet held any card of its own. You’d picked it up, deciding to bring it to the compost pile later.

You hadn’t realized how it looked until it had been too late.

“Hey, Mel, I have something for…” You’d started, rounding the corner to enter the room.

“I love you too.” She’d said, looking into Gary’s eyes. In a split second, you’d registered there was something off about her voice, something lacking.

And now here you are, in this less than ideal situation.

All three look at you, standing in the doorway with a card and flowers, calling after another person’s girlfriend. Shit.

“What do you have for her?” Gary’s hand tightens on her waist just so.

So, yeah. Not fucking ideal.

“Hey, look at that. I uh…actually forgot the… ah… The book I was lending you.” You mumble. Spinning on your heels, you walk as fast as humanly possible without breaking into a sprint.

Stupid-ass, invented, asinine holiday.

******

You’re more than half-way through a bottle of Merlot when your doorbell rings.

“Fucking finally!” You shout, jumping from your couch, your belly clenching painfully. Opening up your front door, though, your shoulders drop. “You’re not Postmates.”

“No, I am not. You know what else I also am not? Enjoying this beautiful night with my husband.” Barbara floods you with words, walking past you into the living room.

“Why is that, exactly?” And maybe you’re starting to get drunk, because she seems furious with you, and you can’t remember the last time that ever happened.

“Because I cannot possibly enjoy what was supposed to be a romantic moment with Gerald when I get a desperate phone call from my best friend’s partner asking me if I know where she is.”

It’s too many words too fast, so you sit back down and blink hard, trying to focus.

“What are you talking about?”

“Gary called me. He doesn’t know where Melissa is.”

Melissa. Suddenly, the reason you’d started drinking comes back to you. Shit. Shit shit shit.

“Have you seen her?” Barbara seems to take pity on you, be it for your drunkenness or the way your face scrunches up at the name.

“Not since this afternoon, no. What happened?”

“Gary says she went after you, came back in a different mood. Then they got into an argument in the middle of dinner, because she didn’t seem to be enjoying it, which is strange considering she spent the day worrying he wouldn’t do anything special, as we both know.” She sits down on the futon in front of you. “He says she broke up with him right then and there, and left.”

What?

“What?”

“I don’t understand it either. What did you say to her in the hallway?”

“Nothing, I didn’t talk to her in the hallway, or at all.”

Barbara looks away, shaking her head with an incredulous smile on her lips.

“You two are… God forgive me, but infuriating.” She turns back, sighing. “Did she text you? I’ve called and called, but she hasn’t picked up. She’s not at her house, either.”

“I don’t know.” You pull your phone from the middle of the cushions. “It’s been on focus mode the whole night, I only got notifications for my food.”

“Can you try her? Maybe she’ll pick up if it’s you.”

“You’re starting to freak me out.”

“Yes, well, at least we’ll be on the same page.”

The line rings three times before going to voicemail. Then, there’s someone pressing your doorbell again. Your stomach aches.

Again, not Postmates.

“You’re an asshole!” It’s the first thing out of Melissa’s mouth. As the second person today pushes her way into your home, Barbara jumps up from her seat.

“You’re alive, you’re whole?” She turns Melissa over, taking advantage of the woman’s confusion at seeing her here. “Are you stupidly drunk?”

“Uh… No. Why…”

“Are you going to make any decisions that might land you in jail?”

“No.”

“Thank you, Jesus!” Barbara shouts, letting go of the redhead, lifting her hands in praise, and walking to the door. “Please, resolve your issues and let me have my steak in peace. I’ll call your boy-“ She looks Melissa over. “I’ll call Gary, let him know you’re okay. Goodbye. Also, you’re both on probation until further notice.”

She closes the door behind her with a bang, and the two of you are left alone, staring at each other.

Her make-up is smudged, as if she’d been crying, and that beautiful, beautiful red dress shines under the light. The vision worries you at the same time it sets the butterflies off.

Once more, with feeling: this is not ideal.

It feels like forever goes by, just like this, with neither of you moving or speaking or looking away.

Until she unclenches her fist, and you see your card, the one you’d lost on your rush to leave.

“You couldn’t have picked a better moment?” Melissa asks, placing the piece of paper on your entrance table. Her anger, so explosive moments ago, is low and dangerous now, simmering with the hurt in her eyes.

“Listen, I know how it looked-“

“Any other moment.” She keeps going, incapable of stopping now that she’s started. “Maybe one of the endless times when we sat on that fucking couch watching those boring movies you like. Or… Or maybe one of the nights when we spent hours pouring over project ideas or education strategies. Or really any other time before I made the decision to move on.”

Her heart is there, right in front of you, in the tears that drown the gorgeous green of her irises. Somehow, you feel like this is the cataclysm of thoughts and words and feelings you had both held back for years.

“What?” You mumble for the second time tonight.

“I found every excuse in the book to avoid this, to avoid looking for someone else. And some of it was true, really. Joe did a number on me, which you know – which is why that just hurt worse.” She points to the card, bent in half and slightly crumbled. “But most of it was crap, and I knew it was crap, but I convinced myself it wasn’t because you weren’t ready, but you are amazing, and maybe it was better to wait just a little longer to see if you ever got your shit together, if you ever got over what that ex of yours did. But you never, ever did.”

“Melissa, the flowers…”

“Yeah, gerberas, my favorites, I know. That was a nice touch. You probably knew he wouldn’t remember that detail.”

“No, Mel, I didn’t buy them.” You step forward, past the table, close enough to reach out and touch her arm, if you were brave enough. You never are.

“What, are you gonna tell me you grew them too?” She snorts, humorlessly. “You know, the worst part is that you encouraged me. You told me to go after him, to let him woo me. Even this morning! You told me to wait for him, just to pull this crap.”

She raises her hand, wipes her eyes, and Christ, what the hell have you done?

She breathes in, and it would be wondrous if it weren’t terrifying, how she puts her heart away, takes the part reserved just for you to see and hides it from view.

“I’ve been in love with you for longer than I know, and this whole time you’ve been leading me on, never really letting me go, no, but still pushing me away.”

In love you with you. In love you with you.

I’ve been in love with you for longer than I know.

It reverberates inside your brain as if an echo in a museum. In love with you.

The person who lights up your days without a fail, the woman who’s made every single potential partner pale in comparison, a staple in your life so important that the mere thought of risking something that could make you lose her had forced you to bury all warm and fuzzy feelings. That woman. This woman. Melissa. Your Melissa. In love with you.

You feel your past is too broken to believe her, but still the thought of her being this hurt is unacceptable.

“Mel, I didn’t write the card to steal you away.”

You risk it now, because you feel her slipping through your fingers, and not seeing her heart when she looks into your eyes makes you feel the loneliest you ever have. You risk reaching over, placing one hand on each of her upper arms. The fabric there is so soft it surprises you.

She flinches, but allows it.

“Just to keep me from giving up, right?”

“You know me better than that.” You try, throat tight. You damn sure hope she does. “I wrote it because you seemed really hurt, and just in case Gary messed up, I wanted you to know you at least had me. You’ll always have me.”

She shakes her head, eyes welling up again.

“What a great pal you are.” Melissa whispers.

“I found the fucking flowers on the floor, I was gonna take them to the trash.” You lose your patience for a split second, because maybe you were tactless, but this is a bit too far, even for such a stubborn woman.

She raises a brow.

“I’m not trying to cover my ass.”

“’You’re the person I think about the most’” She quotes the card. “Did you mean that?”

“Of course.” You say without a thought.

“As a friend?” She challenges.

No. Yes. Maybe. It’s on the tip of your tongue.

If you risk this next step, will you lose her eventually? Like you have every other woman you have loved like this? Will you lose yet another person, yet another soul you feel you can rest beside?

You let your hands travel down slightly.

“Mostly.” She breaks eye contact, frowning. “I cherish our friendship so much, Melissa. But part of me wanted to say more. To say things that weren’t purely platonic. I didn’t mean to steer you around.” You sigh. This is… a lot. “I want to see you happy, Mel. More than anything in the world, you deserve that. And I just felt like allowing myself to feel all those things for you would jeopardize that. You’re an explosive, hot-headed, weird, outlaw Italian with a great mind and a huge, huge heart, and you’re definitely too good for me.”

She shakes her head again, but looking at those amazing, gorgeous, breathtaking green orbs, you find a glimpse of that other side of hers, even if the tears are still there, hiding underneath the surface.

“Today, I only wanted to make sure you would be okay. And I’m sorry about the misunderstanding. I truly didn’t want to ruin that moment for you.” Finally, you reach her hands, and she holds yours back. You fit. “And I have only ever encouraged you to go out there because I really believe you deserve to have the fullest life you can possibly have, and that’s probably with someone… less damaged. Someone good and kind. Someone like Gary.”

Melissa mumbles to herself in Italian.

Forse sarebbe più facile.

“But I don’t love Gary.” She says simply, in English, relaxing into your touch, sending your blood pressure through the roof.

I’ve been in love with you for longer than I know.

“I know.” You say.

You had seen it in her eyes when she’d returned his declaration earlier, the emptiness, the masking, the guilt for lying. She wanted to love him so badly.

She’d looked at you back then and, for a split second, before the confusion and embarrassment that had followed, she’d seemed relieved, as if saying there’s the one who sees me. And something more.

Now, the something more is clearer.

“I know you’re scared.” She whispers again. “And you always, always try to protect me from these things. Never when I get myself mixed up with family business or get into fights…”

“Well, I trust your right hook for that.” You can’t help yourself. She snorts very, very softly, and maybe there’s hope yet.

“But you always try to keep me safe from this, even from you.” Melissa lets go of one your hands, placing a palm against your cheek. Oh, so that’s what it means to have a heart attack. “But I have never, ever, been afraid of your baggage, you jackass.” The spark of defiance that flashes through her expression pulls a smile from you.

If someone had asked you yesterday if this happening was something you thought possible, you’d have laugh them out of the room.

“I just wish you’d given me that god-damn card before I’d wasted this dress on somebody else and had broken a man’s heart for nothing.”

“Poor Gary,” you whisper.

“Yeah… Poor Gary.”

So, perhaps it’s not ideal, with the tears and heartache and being on Barb’s bad side, but she leans up on her tip toes, squeezing your hand, palm migrating down to hold your neck, and despite not being ideal, it does feel oddly right.

“I don’t give a fuck if you hate Valentine’s Day and you think this is corny. You better kiss me before I lose my nerve, or I swear to…”

For the first time in your adult life, you forgo your mind, trying something with risks that may far outweigh the good. With a tug, you pull her in, leaning down, breath catching in your throat when your lips connect, and you find you don’t give two shits about the risks.

Heaven.

Of course, your doorbell rings not five seconds later. Fucking Postmates.

#melissa schemmenti #melissa schemmenti x reader #abbott elementary fic #angst with a dab of humor (if you squint)#can anyone tell I am really into sarcasm as a form of comedy? ANYWAYS #themillsdaughter writes #‘hey shouldn’t you be trying to finish that wyp you started 3 years ago?’#yes yes i should but that’s not how the muse works apparently

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your3fundamentaltruths · 3 months

Text

"Penelope Isn't Owed Colin's Feelings"

Some parts of this fandom have a tendency to elide and otherwise get twisted the following regarding 2x08: (1) why many of those who are unhappy with Colin are unhappy with Colin and (2) why many of those who sympathize with Penelope sympathize with Penelope. And that's only more apparent in the reactions to the season 3 scene released on Valentine's Day.

It's not about thinking Penelope is owed Colin's feelings.

People are unhappy with Colin because of how he expressed that he wasn’t interested in Penelope – both because friends shouldn’t talk about their friends that way in general and because she’s in a more socially precarious position than he is and his seeming to think her less-than only makes her prospects worse. Even if Penelope didn't have feelings for him, it still would have been viewed unfavorably.

Some like to say the latter point about damaging Penelope's prospects isn’t a big deal because Penelope didn’t have prospects before 2x08 so she’s not losing anything when it’s actually a bigger deal for that very reason. Speaking like that about a Daphne/an Edwina/another popular, sought-after girl would be seen as sour grapes or otherwise not reflect badly on the girl, but saying something like that about a wallflower who has no dowry is just pushing her further down and increasing the likelihood that she’ll never have any prospects, particularly when Colin’s just been seen leading her out of a ballroom after being regularly spotted in her company. What’s wrong with her that, despite all that, the notion of courting her is not just unappealing but laughable? the rest of the ton will wonder. And Colin will recognize why this wasn’t great because he’s a fundamentally decent and sensitive person and will likely also recognize that Pen’s confidence is ground to dust at the beginning of the season. Neither of these things will sit right with him. Hence, the “confidence lessons.”

Yes, Colin’s not perfect and he's allowed to make mistakes. He's only human. But this mistake hits Pen (and the audience) harder because he's otherwise been good and kind. And because we know, even if she doesn't in that moment, that he will feel very badly about it because he's a good guy and will hate to have hurt her.

Penelope falls in love with Colin (even if not in the fully-fledged, "see all of you" way that they both will this season) because of the kind of friend he is to her, i.e., his kindness. The fact that she develops these feelings in the course of their friendship and that these feelings sometimes influence the ways she acts doesn't make her some kind of awful predator lying in wait who feels entitled to having her feelings returned as I've seen implied by some. This makes her someone in love with her friend, which is a necessary part of a friends-to-lovers story. Hope ≠ entitlement.

And people sympathize with Pen not because they think she can do no wrong or because they believe she is owed Colin’s feelings but because, even knowing that no one is owed anyone else’s feelings, they see her grappling with unrequited feelings in particularly painful ways. In season 1, they watched her have a front-row seat to the person she loves romancing someone else, mostly in her own home, up to an engagement and near-elopement. At the beginning of season 2, they watched her and Colin talk past each other in the "you do not count" scene in a way that hurt her, even if they know that was not Colin's intent, after the pair of them spent the off-season writing heartfelt letters. They watched her hopes build up all throughout the rest of season 2 until the very moment she overheard him (more on that shortly), even if, again, it would never have been Colin's intent to confuse her or lead her on. Colin and Pen are simply not on the same page.

So people have all this context coming into 2x08. But most of all, they understand how badly it would hurt to hear anyone you care about, let alone someone for whom you have feelings (and doubly so a dear friend for whom you have feelings) say something like that in that tone and laugh, let alone in your own home on the same night you've just lost your best friend.

Relatedly, let’s talk more about why the Featherington ball was a night of such high highs and low lows for Penelope. Up until that point in the season, Colin had shown her such care, including just a little while before and, while for him it is exclusively in the spirt of friendship, it's very much unintended mixed signals, i.e., more talking past one another. The ways Colin expresses his friendly affection for Pen are at odds with what was widely considered appropriate behavior in their time between a man and a woman who are neither related nor romantically involved. In fact, by the standards of Regency England, Colin is taking very significant liberties that are inappropriate between opposite-sex friends of marriageable age who have no intention of becoming more than friends (and even between those who are romantically interested in one another but still unmarried). For example, Portia would have been considered justified in demanding that they marry just after finding them alone together behind a closed door in 2x08 doing nothing else otherwise untoward – and likely would have, had she not been so shaken up by Colin figuring out the gemstone scheme. And, yes, Pen is not pushing back, is meeting him where he is, because she likes it and because she also values their friendship and wants it to mean more – but, in the context of their time, it’s even more understandable that she’d read more into it than someone now. And even someone now might read into some of the things Colin says and does and get confused and then hurt upon learning they're wrong and that their friend only has friendly feelings toward them, particularly in the way Penelope is forced to learn that she's wrong.

Does that mean Penelope's reaction in the new clip is the kindest or fairest? No. But she’s human and she’s hurting. She's a lonely nineteen-year-old girl really struggling to find her place in the world who heard her dear friend express his lack of interest in her in a really disdainful-sounding way inconsistent with both his immediate and long-term private treatment of her. That’s really jarring and she not unreasonably concluded that this happened because he finds her embarrassing. If you were her, might there not be a little voice in the back of your mind wondering whether this is even the first time he’s spoken about her that way when he thought she couldn’t hear him? Still, I expect she’ll also feel badly that she spoke to him the way she did, especially in the face of an earnest apology from Colin about what he said, or she wouldn’t accept the offer of the confidence lessons and it would take longer for them to get to where they are in the “remarkable shade of blue” scene in the second episode. Let's give her space to come to that place. Let's show her a smidge of grace instead of assuming the worst of her and anyone who sympathizes with her.

Lastly, some of the same people who are mad about what Pen said and how she said it in the Valentine's Day clip (1) complain about the way the fandom is too hard on Colin for not saying things exactly right and (2) spent months preemptively raking Pen over the coals for "ghosting" Colin, for holding "never dream of courting Penelope Featherington" over his head for ages, for publishing it in Whistledown to punish him rather than talk to him directly, etc. So let’s give her a little credit for ultimately saying it outright to him, even though it must have been mortifying to do so when she believes she embarrasses him. Did it feel nice to Colin not to receive any replies to his letters? Of course not. It wouldn't feel good for any of us. (Side note: I hate that his family seems to have mostly left him on read, too! Don't get me started on that.) But would you want to reply to someone whom you believe you embarrass and who you believe has been two-faced toward you (i.e., being kind and friendly in private and laughing at you in public)? But to her credit, when confronted, Penelope does say why she's upset.

And no, Penelope does not owe it to Colin to further mortify herself by explaining that her feelings for him made his words last season that much more hurtful. (I’ve seen people criticize her for that, too.) Not sharing every single thought and feeling that crosses her mind does not make her Bad – neither a bad friend nor a bad person. Again, have some empathy and be honest: is there any scenario in which you would you be eager to tell someone you had feelings for them after hearing them laugh at the thought of you being a serious prospect for them? If Penelope does at some point admit her own feelings (and the longevity of said feelings) before she hears a declaration of love from Colin as she does in the books, then she is brave as hell and hats off to her, but not doing so at this stage would not be some dereliction of any friendly duty to Colin, especially not if she forgives him for his words as we know she does.

Actually lastly: not forgetting something entirely doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven someone for it or are trying to punish them for it. It would not only not be Bad but also entirely understandable if Penelope had doubts when first confronted with a proposal from Colin later in the season, especially if it immediately follows the carriage scene. It would not be unreasonable for her to think this arises from a sense of gentlemanly obligation or lust or both, especially when she's familiar with his tendency to want to play the hero and when she has every reason to believe that his engagement to Marina came on the heels of a seduction. Grappling with understandable insecurities, including a fear that she might be inadvertently entrapping him, too, would ≠ Penelope trying to punish Colin for 2x08 or for not having feelings for her from the start if the show goes down that route.

#polin #colin bridgerton #penelope featherington #bridgerton #I love them and I wish people would just allow them BOTH their humanity #and not assume the worst of people for trying to do so

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