#which is honestly all that matters to me rn
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kumatani x reader scheduled for this evening. that’s right i actually finished and am posting a fic. who am i? 😂
#✮cat’s rants#i’m not really sure how i feel about it tho#it’s not my fave#but i at least had the motivation and productivity to finish it#which is honestly all that matters to me rn#i’m trying to get back to it 💪🏼
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Thanks to all of you guys it really does mean a lot to me 😭😭👉👈🎶🎶
#recently with the new years ask thing#i went thru my activity#and its not that there isnt any#but that all of the activity#is produced by 5 very specific people who are always there#liking and reblogging my silly stuff#which is honestly really nice cuz rn#im kind of tryna get a consistent flow in my things#and it makes me really happy to know that#theres actually people who enjoy what i do and take a liking to it#people who saw me and sticked with me#so yeah haha#thanks a lot to you guys it really does matter to me#:)#gerald's art corner#gerald's rambles
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idk what ramadan is gonna look like for me this year lol
#z.gen#i try to be more on my deen and i will do it this year#like hitting all of my prayers when i normally hit like 3/5 etc#no substances which fluctuates yearly since being calisober is what got me off other drugs but should be fine this yr#a lot of people wont listen to music either but i honestly dont listen to it much during the day regardless#having a very night time schedule is helpful during ramadan#i think im gonna try and focus on establishing all of my prayers#i dont really care to talk about my faith much cause its so genuinely no ones business#but i am muslim i just dont follow the practices of any of the four major sunni schools strongly for other reasons#im not shia either tho... looking#none of it matters rn cause i cant fast anyway LOL but its okay#its just like. kind of hard to celebrate islam with whats going on in palestine#like a lot of my fellow muslims get really obsessed w the aesthetics#but the month is about refraining from worldly desires and practing restraint and is generally anti consumerism#so its like. idk if i care for fun silly ramadan recipes. im gonna try to organize stuff with my mosque again inshallah
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Lord don’t let this be the day my egg is cracked
#i mean. it sort of already is#but still#having a crisis about my gender identity in the shower 🥰🥳🥳#from Jaime#Taylor’s MIA which is probably why I’m feeling it so intensely today#*sigh*#trans#nb#intersex#it’s hard to explain and maybe it doesn’t even matter and I’m just overthinking it#maybe I’m just blendy rn or it’s all in my head.#but basically…#our parents wanted a girl So Bad. and I won’t necessarily say they didn’t get one. they certainly got Something#a girl-thing. I’m definitely not a man#but I’m not a woman either. I’m a she exactly like how the ocean and the moon and dogs are#but if I were a ruler I’d be a King. not a Queen. and I’m definitely a Mx. and not a Ms./Mrs.#I’m not a he. they is okay but it doesn’t quite fit. same with she I guess.#don’t even get me started on body stuff. I’d like top surgery but I’m scared.#I know I don’t want bottom surgery though#i think for now I’m most comfortable as an ‘it’.#A girlthing. emphasis on thing. 💙#it’s been almost a year to the day since my hair started growing thicker and my period stopped unexplainably (it’s been a few years now—#…since it started doing that technically)#but honestly? I’m vibing with it!#should probably still see a doctor though
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some days you really just want to scream why is this so hard!!!!!! why is life so hard for me!!!!!!!!!!!!
#maybe it's bc i just started my period or maybe it's bc im on the verge of my next breakdown but im struggling!!!!!!!!!!#yesterday i realized it's been exactly 2 years since i moved into this living situation im still stuck in and it just hit me#as i was trying to fall asleep that like ok i just lost 2 more years of my life!! i accomplished absolutely nothing and#just ran in fucking circles going nowhere and literally have done Nothing#and not to make excuses but im only now realizing how badly covid fucked me like not covid covid but covid time#as in like jobs and having any sort of future like that was Exactly the time after i graduated that i needed to be doing shit and i couldnt#and yeah i know there are sooooo many people in similar situations bc of covid but god i just feel like such a failure which i am#but i just feel so helpless like i honestly do not know how to move forward#or what i even want out of life anymore if anything at all and yes ok so period plus 2 year anniversary plus my birthday next week so im#extremely on the edge rn#and anyway last night i was crying bc of the 2 year thing then u know how when u sometimes start crying about one thing#u start crying about just everything wrong in your life so yeah i did that and then suddenly it was about still living here#and still living in this state and still living with mentally abusive relatives and how much of a failure i am at my age and how my birthda#will make me feel like shit and how much i miss my dogs and how much i worry about my cat and how i cant ever lose her ever no matter what#like i simply will not go through another pet death i just wont. and then all roads lead to my biggest mistake and regret so my ex then#all that and how i literally cant change any of those things at all and how much i feel like a prisoner and i cant escape and anyway.#im just not doing well lately lmao
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#considering deleting my entire online presence and quiting everything. would do everyone good#i just wrote a vent post that broke me so badly i cant even post it honestly it. it just hurts#im thinking about a lot of stuff rn and i know its cause im under a lot of stress and expectations and im just#im not okay. im just not. for so so many reasons#i dont. i dont wanna hear how im wrong in saying that. i dont want anyone to lie to me#i just want someone to understand. i want to know everything will be okay no matter what#im just so tired of this. of feeling anything. its just the same fucking circle over and over again. i just want to be able to escape it#there are better days sure. but it always comes back down to this. and i cant escape it. and i dont know what to do#i dont know what i can do. what i should do apart from trying which ive been doing for so long it makes no difference#nothings fine. everythings fucked. me most of all and im just#im so tired of it. im so sorry#night is an absolute mess on main
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i don’t think I’m like actually allowed to be happy or that I even know how to be anymore
#whimsy whispers#this isn’t me asking for permission to be happy by the way#it doesn’t matter if everyone in the world told me I was allowed to be happy I wouldn’t believe them and it wouldn’t make me like able to#suddenly be happy either#idk this post hasn’t got a point#everything just feels bad and hopeless and sad and idk what to do anymore when existing sucks so much and I know I’m never going to be happy#I just feel like I’m being suffocated or drowning or something#rn is actually a better day because I feel fairly empty which is far preferred for being in tears#like I just don’t know what to do at this point I feel so unhappy and unloved and alone and there’s nothing I can do#I can’t just fix anything I can’t just be happy I can’t make myself be loved I can’t do anything#all I can do is let each day pass by either feeling like it’s the end of the world and wishing that it really were or feeling empty#there’s no relief#it’s not that i want to be like this but I can’t help it#I want to be happy and loved and surrounded by people who love me but as I am I’m unfit for love and I honestly haven’t felt genuinely loved#I’m so long and at this point all I’m doing is making those around me feel worse so isn’t it best if I just stop being in peoples lives#so that’s what I’m up to now#I’ll be unhappy regardless but at least other people will hopefully be happier without me being so sad around them all the time#I make myself tired so I can only imagine how tired everyone else is of me
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#aweks.txt#hate saying this bc it’s exactly what the hate anons from last night were aiming for but I do wanna die a lot rn FJSJFNSN#I always say if smth is justified fair enough and. no matter how ppl wanna keep saying that it wasn’t baseless. it really was#just because you can’t read doesn’t mean the rest of us relate to that too#i thought I was pretty clear but I’m not gna sit there and write out points about everything they said abt me while trying to give my#personal opinion on what I thought abt what they initially said#in their very first message they accused me of hating trans ppl and said ‘fuck you and her’ while going hard w the hate#then accused me of not being trans#then proceeded to weaponise their own identity bc I wasn’t playing into what they wanted me to act like#and I’ve been thinking abt it all night and I reached out to mutuals more educated than me to talk it out and such#people who are ACTUALLY from the communities the anons were claiming to be in#who said that it really was a huge witch hunt just for no reason#i get life is hard for everybody and it sucks but I can’t imagine hating myself so much that I go on anon to tell someone to fuck off and#then say that I’m glad I ruined their day#like that’s just. fucked up esp since you don’t know me#not to mention all the lies they told including that apparently they interact w me all the time which just isn’t true 😭 lol#anyways#all this to vent one final time and say that I’m gonna have anon off indefinitely#and just quietly work on my requests and my interactions with my mutuals :)#and just honestly to remind people that no matter how much you hate someone (in this instance me)#it doesn’t justify making things up about them or putting words in their mouths or generally making it your life mission to make their day#awful and then say you’re proud of it 😵💫 like I pity you. sincerely. i hope you find what you’re looking for in life and take a break from#the Internet bc you truly need it#everyone who was nice to me and dmed me I want to say thank you again and I really appreciate all your words
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so as the world caves in (matt maltese) IS a ranwan song and no i will not elaborate i don’t NEED to,
#buzz#*conspiracy theory meme*#erha#i finished reading the novel yesterday and honestly?? slay#cried so much tho lmao. reading fanfics rn to recover#it was so good but god it hurt So Bad kshshsjsjs. i don’t even have much to say i just. hooooo#that was so much wohdjsishwjwifhehsh#also in relation to the comment above call that Wanting To Literally Stay Together through Sickness Health and Also Th e Apocalypse bcs tha#coughs#erha spoilers#cryibg tho that was so good#i mean like they rly are just sticking together no matter what like call that Drama and also call that Love screaming crying throwing up#mmmph god that was so good tho. pain was top tied and the ending was sweet enough to the point in which it felt decently worth it all#still cried tho. also meimeng real? maybe. idk. i like that little trio. they’re dumb n cute and i cried over their past timeline vers’ end#bcs they deserved to rest so much but god it hurt god it rly did#also txj reveal at the end was kinda hilarious honestly j expected them to use an extra to cover it but like. nah i like this too#also no one told me that mr canonically calls him engong-gege in post canon?? y’all! or at least in like the first extra#adorable. they’re so weird and i love them. little menaces. also smj’s ending felt Incredibly Bittersweet but honestly. i can live w that#man tho. … man. i rly do hope that in the end. he like. legitimately did care abt the sisheng peak kids. like cwn Sure but i hope he at lea#at least kind of cared abt mr (just a little bit#and like esp xm…. like things were all messy and horrible but like. still. part of me can’t help but wish.#god tho. great read but i read through most of the Angst (tm) this week and i will take years to recover#so good tho. so good. will never not say that#it was weird sure. like it definitely got weird and this is Not referring to the copious amounts of violence. we know what i’m talking abt.#but it was good. it was good. cant recommend it to any of my friends for legal reasons but god.#ranwan#… this one is fr not rly but whatever!! it’s fine i was crying over them 90% of the time
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tommorow i'll find out if i was accepted into uni and god im freaking out
#i want it SO bad#i chose criminal biology#which is like.. my field of special interest (medicine and crime)#also the 'hazards' that my doctor has to sign a permission for honestly only got me more hyped#contact with blood? contact with contaminated water? direct contact with bodily fluids? autopsies? so cool#(this should probably turn me OFF the path i chose but. nah man let me be just a little bit fucked up)#i love hazard i love danger i love examining corpses(/hj)!!!#so this all sounds so cool. and only makes me more anxious about not being accepted#bc i want to SO badly#but now i just have to wait helplessly for their decision. and i won't be able to do anything ABOUT their decision.#i'm scared that maybe i'm not enough. not good enough. maybe there will be people so much better than me that even my ib diploma (only good#thing about me uni-wise) won't matter. what if everyone will be so much better and i'll be left in the dust waiting for next year to apply#again#i'm.. a bit of a wreck rn honestly. im scared.#ramble#personal#vent#sorry about the vent but compared to my usual stuff i think it's pretty light ✌️ since it's just generic uni talk
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leon theme i spent my early morning hours working on even tho i have to wake 6 am !!! 🫵🆒✨ (it is 10 minutes to 5 am)
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#actually will sleep soon but :P silly!#i like my theme a lot. i will still fix and add to it FOR REAL THIS TIME I PROMISE I SWEAR so yeah :3 <3#i think the pfp is a bit small. but idk. might make it bigger anyway.#re is So so so scary been going thru re chronologically finally (but like. thru watching. but w/o commentary.#bcs i'm so sorry horror games are the Only games i cannot play myself i get too scared ..... one day i will man up tho. but only for#bloodborne my bbg. hooray. pray for me.) !!!!!#also working on my writing sb :P sm i wna do this summer but it starts with Me taking care of myself which i shall... do more of..... asap.#funnily enough since for a bit now i've gotten back into playing vn/otome games. since i've been nagging my twin to get into some specific#games like Our Life and Touchstarved ahahaha i sucked her back into this hellhole ..... now against my former will i have installed that#love&deepspace game last wednesday morning. wow. and previously i got ikepri but my twin went the Whooole way getting ikepri#and getting back into ikevamp etc SORRY FOR EXPOSING YOU I LOVE YOU lol silly. it's actually so Funny honestly.#also wna get back into writing in general ^_^ will probably share more abt my ocs too!#& generally talk more w moots and friends on diff platforms... i wna manage my time Super well :3 <3 I Will. I Am. hashtag Mindset Matters.#world is crazy rn uh lots to say but all i will say for now is : Don't Forget About Palestine. they are still suffering. please do what you#can to support all the people who need that help and for the media to Still see them and not get totally distracted abt other stuff. !!!!!
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Havent been able to leave the house to go back to the gaming night hosted once a week with my program.... where they got genshin...... i wanna play fontaine..... and run around with my faves....
#last time i went i only managed to log in after a lot of struggle and then do weekly domains#and was catching up with my old home supporter who hosts it#since we hadnt met in five years due to me moving then moving back#anyway im banking on next week#holds thumbs and vibrates#sharan talks#i need to severely hurry with building that new pc#but got potential dental costs coming up due to like#i cant english rn but the thing thats supposed to pay the cost might not be egligble anymore#not insurance its specific to the disability law my care and support falls under#trying to find out if i can reapply but if not im gonna have to pay#which ill be able go but only cause ill have to take it from my pc savings#which would set me back a littke#oh well im pain free now though and that matters more#and my laptop can handle basic ffxiv and i got access to genshin even if not at hone#so its honestly going fine all things considered))#good way to break isolation too#as long as my body and sleep cooperates
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#look away everyone this is gonna be embarrassing#nothing new really same old shit that's been going on every day for almost 20 years with me but uhh#at this point i dont even wish i were fucking skinny (<-lying). id give anything to just go back to my lowest ed weight#which was by no means skinny. not even thin. but it was thinnER than now.#anyway. nothing makes you hate your own body quite like trying to buy clothes lol#being a huge hypocrite rn cause yes yes fuck fast fashion we know#but being able to go shopping for clothes with your friends to a mainstream brand shop and only feeling *a little* inferior in all aspects#but not ENTIRELY worthless as a woman and a human being in general. my god. it only happened once in my entire life#and i had so much fun that day. and i felt so good and happy and even a little attractive. we love internalised mysogyny <333#but i miss experiencing the first stirrings of this stupid ass shy little hope that i could actually be considered hot and pretty#for the first time in my fucking life. like hot and pretty RIGHT NOW. not in some undefined future of ✨...if you lost some weight✨#idk it just feels like it was all for nothing. i ruined every part of my life i fucked up my teeth and my skin and my hair and my metabolism#and my relationship with food. forever lol and it was for nothing because at the end of the day im basically back to the weight i started w/#its a goddamn joke. like yeah maybe im not losing fistfuls of hair on a daily basis anymore but id honestly rather just go fully bald#if i was allowed to keep the weight off#god i only hope i die in a way that will completely obliterate my body. it is kind of a comfort#no matter what - at least ill always have the train tracks i used to play on as a kid <33 one of my most beloved places in the world fr
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#thinking about finishing my 1d fics again and while with one super old wip i figured out how to write it sans heavy ot5 friendship dynamic#the two sequel fics for ‘swear i’ve known you since forever’ in ATSCO series…. oooh i fear i am Fucked#it’s not that i have beef with ot5 fic really it just feels weird for me personally to be writing it so#heavy handedly this many years on? and controversial take mayhaps but there are still plenty super involved ot5 fans out there putting out#mmm weird vibes? delusional even? not all of them ofc#but enough that i’ve seen especially on twitter and iii don’t want the association just bc i kept the dynamic in a fic i wrote lmao#(also i have some thoughts and opinions on things and people i did not have in the past too so! that doesn’t help)#i think for ATSCO i’m just gonna have to commit because i am Not rethinking a whole new plot for that series 4 years down the line#especially after i rewrote the whole plot like 5 times as well as the first fic in the series several more times as well…..#i’m not doing it again!! i’m not!! so if i DO finish either one of these fics specifically. please know if ot5 element stays in#moreso in ATSCO than the other one which has remained a secret 4 years on#know what i stand for and who i am… i know this matters to few but me but i’m putting it out there nonetheless#it’s still gonna be a hot minute before any fics get finished bc where my interests are rn and my focusing on art but! i stand by my word#and my fics are still intended to be completed!#(also sidenote i am. no longer replying to any update inquiries on here or ao3! i’ve already said why in the past that they#stress me out rather than encourage me so i’m gonna leave it at that! i honestly might even start to delete them from my inbox / comments#just because they get to me that bad like i literally avoid ao3 because of it so. yeah! pls don’t send me update inquiries <3)#alex talks
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I can't believe I'm being endeared to zo/suke as much as I am considering I generally dislike sasuke shipping as he tends to be used as nothing BUT a shipping vessel. but honestly an anti-government pirate/swordsman boyfriend would be so good for his whole deal in a vacume...
#like most of my sasuke ships are characters that either missing nin or... neji 'slave revolt' hyuuga#so a pirate honestly would work with his personal ideals which is what matters most to me#not to mention the similarities they have#both swordsmen. both like onigiri and hate sweet things. intoverted. loving. selfless. both gay. both my favoritest character ever#there's also conflict you could find here too. they both have an unhealthy obsession with becoming stronger for differing reasons#sasuke's as primarily a self-preservation matter as despite konoha's claims of safety he was constantly being targeted and attacked by his#abusive brother#and to an extent for the sake of protecting those he loves. this isn't shown as much however because he has#had to distance himself from them all because of itchi's 5 step lifeplan for him#zoro on the other hand similarly obsessed because of his need to be able to protect his crew#I feel sasuke would feed into zoro's protective instinct and zoro would feed into his competitive one#they could be so doomed yaoi when you think about it#like I get the vision now#my knee jerk negative reaction was a purely emotional one built from the sanctity of my lavender marriage w sasuke but I get it#psii.txt#nightblogging#<- being so literal rn it's 3am I have an exam Tommorow. all the clichés so I'm on here saying unhinged shit 😭#sorry sasuke
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If you believe the shit my abuser says about me and use that as your reason to not listen to trans men who are vocal about our issues then you dont care about trans rights. you make all of your moves based off of drama and a desire to keep the clique pristine.
#mood#if one person makes you lose alll sympathy for the marginalized identity they have then you never cared in the first place.#i honestly just think yall refuse to hand me any stmpathy for anything i go through bc then it means you have to consider actually#that maybe perhaps i am in fact telling the truth about my experiences. which ik is so incredibly hard for yall apathetic wastes to do#yall will hold so strongly to your black and white thinking and desire to not critically think to the point of dividing the community#and that tells me everything i need to know about how you function and how many fucks you actually give about liberating trans ppl#(which is none)#no no wait- you only give a fuck about liberating yourself specifically and only give af about doing it for your friends bc they let you do#whatever you want regardless of the consequences besides all the very very mean other trans people who ask you to actually#use your fucking brain and critically think sometimes.#like. the only reason you refuse to listen to my side is because you dont have faith in your own ability to hold on to what you believe in#once provided with different information. which is good in this case bc the info i provide is true to my experiences.#but if you're so weak and so bad at critical thought that you cant view ANY opinion that opposes your own without waning on that belief#that means you actually have to do more critical thinking and actually try to think for once instead of essentially lobotomizing yourself#in any of your thoughts bc dur nothing matters 🤪 even peoples rights 🤪🤪🤪#god. what a boring personality.#nihilism with a twist of selfishness#and a desire to only ever indulge and never actually idk. do shit. bc idk. you're so hopeless so its just easier to drink away the pain ig.#literally mindless self indulgence! and you dont care about anything! how fun and unique of you and totally subversive#bc if theres anything we need rn its the younger generations to become apathetic and stop trying to soak in the things that make them feel#good than to ever actually do anything else bc it hurts bc you've been traumatized so much that now youll do anything to avoid the pain#like i get it but its not an excuse.#not saying you cant indulge ever but thats all yall ever do and its tired. gonna eat half of the world for your own pleasure. SAD!#imagine being that sad and miserable.#and stop trying and to soak*#reminds me of my dad. which makes me feel so ick inside since thats literally what my abuser is like#ig its true what they say that ppl tend to get in relationships subconsciously w ppl who abuse them in similar ways to their parents#oh and my dad was such a careless self indulgent fuck that didnt care about sexually abusing people either. curious!#its almost like theres a certain level of mindless self indulgence that becomes purely self serving and not giving an inch of a fuck about#other people in any capacity because You Need To Feel Good To Numb The Pain and thats all that matters.
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