#where he said his ideal gf was someone he could protect | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mothwithapencil · 4 months

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your street fighter art has brought me much joy...thank you ^_^ i wasnt too familiar w vega b4hand but. he's got me in his claws now... i'm seeing the vision....i would like to hear more of what u've concocted for his siblinghood w cammy if you would like 2 share! what the dynamic could be like when cammy was still a doll under shadaloo, vs when she started fighting bison, etcetc. the silly the serious how things change over the years >:0 apologies if this is a tall order

(Also. mike tyson cartoon balrog knocked me back. What are the odds that he, too, has a van with "BI GUY" on the license plate)

I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE A VEGAHEAD NOW.... He got me in his claws as soon as I saw him... The vega army grows stronger...

His siblinghood with Cammy (and also Decapre) is so very special to me. You can check out this post first for some stuff I said about them that I'll extrapolate on here. RAMBLE TIME.

Vega and Cammy are very similar and share several traits and I think a lot of it has to do with him having to train and take care of her and the other Dolls. It makes me so very insane that Vega is generally portrayed as this cold and uncaring murder guy who only loves himself, and yet...

Please look at these dialogues from Alpha 3. HE CARES ABOUT HER SO MUCH. IT HURTS. There's so much here. He wants her to be safe. He cares about the girl he took care of so much that he calls M. BISON A COWARD. Bison could kill Vega by looking at him and yet he stands up to him for the sake of someone else's safety. I rambled about their relationship and his feelings towards her more in a text to my gf I'm too lazy to rewrite:

Btw yes I am making a drawing about the braids. They hold so much symbolism TO ME. The braids he did for her... One of the few remaining things connecting them.... It means a lot to him, and you can see how much it means to him in A Shadow Falls:

While she's passed out he just stops to pick up one of her braids and his eyes immediately soften. And then he leaves without really doing anything because he sees that Cammy wants to protect Decapre, who she knows is her sister. He doesn't try to kill Cammy or anyone she loves. Every time he fights her he just sees her as a worthy foe (in the Alpha 3 dialogue up there he later changes his mind about Cammy not being a good opponent as he rescues her from the Shadaloo base). And later in A Shadow Falls when Cammy and Decapre are fighting the other Dolls, he goes against Shadaloo's ideals and frees the Dolls from the Psycho Power controlling them. At the end of the story he throws away his mask. Vega is not heartless... He has kindness and compassion... He has sweetie powers.... He just doesn't want you to know that because he hasn't been allowed to have emotions for so long... He's just stuck working for people he hates. Every time Bison isn't a direct threat to him he just goes back to Bullfighting. He doesn't care about those guys at all and the only thing truly keeping him is probably the fact Bison or another Shadaloo member would show up at his home and kill him if he quit. I think he wishes he could have the same freedom Cammy has... He's proud of her for breaking the cycle of being used as a tool by Bison and wishes he could be afforded the same luxury...

They all even pose the same way... There's a couple pieces of art where theyre posing this way and they share some similar moves too.... The parallels... They compel me....

I don't know if Cammy will ever piece together that Vega is her weird questionably evil possibly clone-related big brother. Decapre is much more similar to him visually and maybe that will tip her off. But for now all of her past growing up in House of Bison is known only to Vega and the fleeting memories kill him every day. He may feel particularly closer to Cammy but he stills shows care and compassion for Decapre too. He loves his sisters so very much and thus....

SOMETIMES A FAMILY IS WHATEVER THIS IS ↓↓↓ ‼️‼️

ITS SO HARD BEING A SINGLE MOM WHEN YOURE AN ASSASSIN FOR SHADALOO AND ALSO A GROWN MAN💯💯

(Also, for the last portion of that ask: I do think Balrog has a "BI GUY" vanity plate. Beef IS Gross, Unethical, and Yucky. That IS what he reads when he sees it. He DOES look at the bi men checking him out and say "we like to put the same thing in our mouth!" Its true. I saw it happen. Lmfao)

#asks #sorry this is so long they make me sick (affectionate)#street fighter #vega street fighter #cammy white #decapre #decapre street fighter

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jobean12-blog · 4 years

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Chase Collins x reader where she works at a day care and chase tags along one day(he’s not very fond of kids). When he kisses her and puts his hands on her ass the kids lose their shit, a lil boy asks reader to be his gf (chase is a jealous lil shit but she loves him). When he sees how good she is with them he eases up and ends the day not hating kids. Maybe a kids older brother hits on reader and all chase does is stand and tower over the guy and hes gone + chase just turns the reader on SM

A Change of Heart

Pairings: Chase Collins x reader

Word Count: 1,086

Summary: Chase comes with you to work and it turns out to be a fun day!

Author’s Note: This was fun to write! I like a sweet and protective Chase! Thank you for the request and your patience, I hope you enjoy it :)

Warnings: fluff, cursing, Chase being adorable, kids being cute

“Chase hurry up or I’m going to be late to work,” you yell down the hallway, coat on and bags in hand. You head toward the door, frustration building toward your boyfriend as you continue to wait. Finally, you hear him stomping down the hallway, smirk on his face as he grabs his coat and says cheerfully, “all ready to meet these little punks, babe.”

You don’t bother with a reply and just roll your eyes at him, still surprised he wanted to come to work with you, considering he isn’t overly fond of children. A room of fifteen 4-year-olds didn’t seem like the ideal way for him to spend his day, then again, it might be good for him.

You make it to work on time, show Chase around the classroom and explain the daily routines. He seems to be at ease while you get some things done before the children arrive. You’re by your desk, taking care of some paperwork as he slides up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and nuzzling into your neck.

“Chase,” you warn, as he moves your hair away to place light kisses to your neck. He lets out a chuckle but doesn’t pull away, “worried someone will catch us, sweetheart,” he whispers into your neck and you turn in his arms to land a quick kiss to his lips.

He chases your lips but before he can make contact the screeching sound of children fill the hallway and he stiffens, “what the fuck is that,” he asks, eyes wide with horror. “Ooo yay, they’re here!” you say excitedly as you unwrap yourself from his arms.

You stand by the doorway and wave as the children line up, all of them yelling, “good morning miss y/n!!” Chase watches as you smile and say hi to each child, calling them by name and engaging them in small conversations. He can’t help but smile.

You usher the children in, and they fall right into their morning routine, hanging up coats and backpacks and sitting on their assigned spots. The first one to spot Chase is a little girl who rushes up to him in excitement, “are you our guest reader today?” she asks, voice as tiny as she is. At first Chase freezes up, unsure what to say to this tiny creature, but thankfully you swoop in and send her back to her spot explaining he is a friend that is visiting for the day.

Chase lets out an audible breath and you turn and give him a crooked smile, loving how uncomfortable he is. He takes a seat behind your desk and busies himself on his phone but every so often you catch him staring at you, a small smile playing on his lips.

Once it’s time for play the students disperse to the activity of their choice and Chase saunters over, pulling you into him and giving you a kiss while squeezing your ass. You yelp in protest but it’s too late and one of the little boys, Steven, already saw the whole thing. He starts telling all the kids that Chase touched your butt and he isn’t allowed to do that! The other kids start running up to you asking if you’re going to put him in time out or call his mom and you can’t help doubling over with laughter.

You look over at Chase, his jaw clenched but eyes filled with mirth as he tries not to laugh at the children’s comments. You finally settle them all down for lunch, the sounds of muffled talk and laughter filling the room as they munch on their food.

“Miss y/n?” Steven says, raising his hand with a mouth full of food. “Yes, Steven,” you reply giving him the ‘don’t talk with your mouth full’ look. “Can I be your boyfriend like Mr. Chase? I love to give you hugs,” he chirps, smile wide.

Your smile lights up your whole face as you look from Steven to Chase and let out a hearty, “yes, of course you can!” with a giggle. Chase finds himself smiling and laughing right along and you notice his shoulders are relaxed and his whole mood is lighter. The rest of the day goes smoothly, and you really enjoy watching Chase interact with the kids.

As you escort the children into the hallway to be picked up by their family members, you watch as Steven runs over to his much older brother and starts telling him about the day and what you said. You can’t help but smile before turning to the other students and greeting their parents and siblings.

You sense Chase tense up next to you and look his way to see why, noticing his eyes are a little darker than usual and his jaw is set in a hard line. You follow his line of sight and see Steven approaching with his older brother. “Tony, this is miss y/n!” he says brightly. “Please to meet you miss y/n,” Tony says, giving you his best smile. “I heard Steven scored himself a girlfriend today.”

You shake your head, waving your hand in a fun but dismissive motion, “well, he is quite the charmer, you know,” you reply, ruffling Steven’s hair. “That he is, that he is,” Tony says, continuing, “actually, I was hoping maybe I could take you out, since you know, I’m a little closer to your age group,” his tone flirty.

Before you can respond, Chase is pressed up against your back and glaring him down, “actually Tony, the only guy that gets to take her out is me, since you know, I’m her boyfriend,” he grounds out through gritted teeth.

Your eyes go wide as you watch Tony gulp and back up, “ok, of course, I should have known, my apologies guys,” he croaks out, looking down at Steven, “time to go buddy,” and pulls him down the hallway and out the door.

Chase snakes his arm around your waist and turns you around, your hands planted firmly on his chest, “I think I may have to come to work with you every day from now on,” he teases, pressing into you. “I have a better idea, why don’t you take me home and show me who I belong to, Chase…” His eyes turn an inky black for a split second before the beautiful blue is starting down at you once more, “you’re right, that is a much better idea, sweetheart, much better,” he whispers, grabbing your hand.

@annavega333 @book-dragon-13 @chuuulip @cchellacat @eurynome827 @hiddles-rose @jewels2876 @loricameback @lollypop-lam @lancetuckershairgel @marvelgirl7 @marvelous-meggi @marvelandotherfandomimagines @jhangelface0523 @randomfandompenguin @sallycanwait68 @sebastiansloserclub

#chase collins x reader #chase collins x reader fluff #chase collins #the covenant #sebastian stan #chase collins fluff

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snowtimeisbesttime · 3 years

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Thoughts and questions (remix) on Friendsim Volume 11.

Lynera:

-Lynera joins the ranks of trolls who have Zero Social Skills for one reason or another. She really could use some friends, doesn’t she ever interact with the other jades?? // ...she does. the real question is if anyone involved remotely likes such interactions... :(

-Lynera’s in the same caverns as Bronya, but we don’t know anything about the others yet. (though apparently Wanshi might appear in next friendsim??? that’d be the Best Thing Ever)

-There’s probably more than one breeding cavern, unless every single jadeblood on Alternia is down with the nursery. Or perhaps the Mother Grub’s Cavern has a bunch of exits, with their corresponding jadeblood teams.

-Lynera is down with the nursery, however, and wants to protect it- even if it’s just for Bronya’s sake and because she’d be brutally culled if anyone with bad intentions found out. We don’t know her feelings on actually rebelling, though; as of now she’d probably join if Bronya did. She might have interacted more with other trolls and formed an opinion of her own by Act 2… // it would seem she can't stand like 2/3 of the remaining jades, so. if Daraya or Lanque dropped the topic she'd probably reject it outright, if Wanshi did it she'd attempt to discourage her (but more like Don't Do That You'll Get Murdered than That's A Stupid Fucking Idea And So Are You), and if Bronya did it she'd be at her side in a heartbeat.

-please tell me that was Not the skull of the Dolorosa on the floor in Lynera’s study cave……

-I hope the list of names mentioned in her Troll Call isn’t. A list of potential friends of Bronya??? because she’s definitely willing to kill for her… // that's the only Troll Call bulletpoint of hers that was changed, to “endless devotion”. Less actively unnerving, more emphasis on her crush on Bronya.

-The whole “learning about jadeblood life” might imply not all jadebloods go to space? If they don’t, this would mean Bronya loved Elwurd enough to leave behind the caverns and her nursery…. If they do have to go to space regardless, it might have meant rainbow drinker stuff. // it sure would be swell to find out what that was about...

-Also, Lynera doesn’t seem to know Bronya and Elwurd aren’t a thing anymore?

-Looks like my interpretation of Lynera (rule-stickler, gay) from the comic contest was mostly correct! Now all she needs is the friend group and the implied loving girlfriend. // And by “implied” I meant “exists but we haven't seen her”, as we've only seen two (2) Significant Seadweller Characters (trizza and to a lesser extent cridea). If lynera doesnt have a mermaid gf though... what's with the purple accents? Are jades allowed to go fancier than other castes, or?

Mallek:

-Likewise, Mallek joins the ranks of trolls who Really Don’t Want to go to space. He says he’s got half a sweep left on Alternia, but later he says he may have months or even perigrees… we really could use an alternian calendar.

-Okay his piercings are Cool Technological Stuff and that’s the coolest thing ever. They’re probably a mix of fashion, function and probably an ace up his sleeve of sorts; at least one’s a wifi hotspot. // I'm not sure if he needs a computer to tap into whatever things his piercings can do, or if they're connected to his brain or something and he can just do whatever whenever, but if it's the second one that's another VERY good reason not to let the empire know about his hacking skills... also according to his new Troll Call bulletpoints he lost a piercing??? he had 13 and now has 12??? i hope it just went under the couch instead of being ripped out of him or something. The other bulletpoints double down on his leet hacker skills and his leeter cooking skills, though his sweet kicks were sadly taken away from the spotlight by this.

-Mallek isn’t currently part of the rebellion, but I think he might join if he feels it’s the best option. He’s aware that Alternia Sucks at least, and his hive does get attacked by drones in his bad end (and it may have happened in his good end too, only we couldn’t hear it because we were underground*). It really depends on whether the rebellion is offering a better way to live for everyone… if Tyzias is behind it (and she has an entire anti-government movement now, apparently) it will, but we can’t be sure yet. If not because of shared ideals, he might join because of similar goals… but again, we know jack shit. // *I remember a post that said that the reason Mallek's hive doesn't get drone'd in his good end is the MC yeeted his phone into the water, so it couldn't be traced...

-Or Dammek can drop by like he probably did with Chixie and the two of them instantly bond over their hives being a Mess. // alternate reason: someone tells him how dammek was doing communications before (through an explicitly unsecured program called rebelgram, with no more precautions against potential snooping than codenames) and he's so aghast he's immediately compelled to join

-Mallek wants to control the entire drone network, and therefore the empire itself (to get out of having to go to space). Very ambitious, and very interesting… hope we get to see more of this in later friendsims/Act 2. (he’s overlooked something, though- even if he controls Alternia, the Condesce has Glb'golyb. We don’t know if Trizza has the same bond with her as Feferi.) // and even if Trizza didn't have any sway over Glubglub, the Condesce sure as hell wouldn't have been happy that some random cerulean punk took over her drones...

-I feel Diemen is living in the bush from Konyyl’s route… but at least he’s alive and hopefully doing okay!

-Ceruleans are midbloods confirmed.

-Nufren kinda feels like a one-note character (she’s literally called New Friend), but she did get a speech bubble and a quirk while Treyaf, the other troll Mallek hired to kidnap us, didn’t. At least he got his DVD’s.

-Snek lusus. Now that I think about it, we don’t know anything about jadeblood lusii… // i was going to say that jadeblood lusii probably are other jadebloods, but we know Lynera's only been in the caverns for like 2 sweeps and a half, so she HAD to have a lusus before... where is it now?

#hiveswap #friendsim #lynera skalbi #mallek adalov #long post #thoughts and questions #t&q remix

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bergarass · 5 years

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all the valentine’s day asks!! i genuinely want to know 💌

ily mir

blush: what could someone do this valentine’s to make you feel special?

1) tell me to add more romantic songs to the playlist i made them *pointedly looks at said person* you KNOW who you are; 2) also if they fuckin CONFESSED to how they felt, i’m LOOKING at you, you cancer moon scorpio sun headass lookin boi

love hearts: where were you when you met your crush?

@ home during winter break and i saw him on my friend’s sc and was like, “yo uhhhh who is this his hair’s cute” and my friend saw through my bluff and sent me his sc LOL and we’ve been talking ever since.. jan 4? fun fact we’re both have the red hearts next to each other’s names bc we’ve been sc best friends for more than 2 weeks so !!!!

100th date: would you prefer to stay in or go out this valentine’s?

homeboy is on the other coast so it’s not like i can spend v day with him BUT if money wasn’t an issue,,,, you bet your ass i’m flying to ny to wish him a happy valentine’s day

roses: do you like picnic dates?

it sure would BE NICE!!!!!! *bangs pots and pans outside his dorm window* if soMEONE TOOK ME ON ONE!!!

rest will be under the cut

first kiss: what’s the best way to be kissed?

i would want my face to be cradled and my hip to be grabbed, and if they were to push me gently against the wall and pin me there i wouldn’t mind (^:

first date: describe your ideal first date.

i wear something cute and a lil flirty, a lil sexy for them, we get some boba and popcorn chicken and visit a botanical garden. we end the day with a night walk on the beach and maybe i snuggle up next to them pretending to be cold and we… uhm… k*** 🙈🙈

preference: sexuality? what’s your ‘type’?

bi, and i’m really into the idea of… frat bro types who have hearts of gold, which is very very idealistic but a girl can dream! other than that, i’m drawn to certain things: i like really strong hands on guys, esp if they look like they’ve done some work (does that make sense?), crooked smiles get me FUCKED up, and from a young age i’ve been fascinated by long hair and i rlly like it when ppl swish it around (also,,,,, curvy gals get me sprung). ALSO THEY GAIN HELLA POINTS IF THEIR HUMOR’S A LIL NASTY N RISQUE LIKE MINE

hand holding: do you like pda?

i’ve never been a participant bc i’ve never in a sitch where i can practice it LMAO but i stop at kissing in public. holding hands and being a clingy, cutesy gf is def on my list, but i’m not gna be frenching my boo at the beach u feel

family: how important is your family’s approval of your s.o.?

fairly important, but ultimately i trust my own gut. i generally would hold my friends’ judgement more bc they’d be more in tune to my feelings and know more abt the person if they hung out with them with me

doves: what’s the most romantic thing someone’s done for you?

i’d say my prom date proposing to me with an hp-themed promposal! (he played the hp theme song on the piano + poster that said “i know you’re a ravenclaw but would you want to slytherin to prom with me?”)

candy: favourite thing to eat on a date?

…my crush’s cooking since he is going to culinary school LOL (so like a home date ehe), but in general, ummm probs food that’s fun and fresh, like dessert or light dishes (or ?? dim sum bc that shit SMACKS)

giggle: what’s more important in an s.o.: intelligence or humour?

these q’s jshfjkdhsf ofc both are important, but i love laughing, so having a sense of humor is a plus, but i also love it when ppl i love wax rhapsodic abt things that they love and r knowledgable abt!!! ultimately, a balance of both

lace: who looks best in your favourite colour?

like in general? lupita nyong’o looks bangin in orange

cupid: have you ever been set up? have you ever set anyone else up? how did it go?

nope! and nope! i feel scared trying to set ppl up, esp if someone wants me to hook them up with one of my friends and ik it might not even work

lovebirds: at what point in a relationship would you make it ‘public’?

i think it’s sth that you feel, like, you know that things are serious when you and the person are like.. possessive? that’s not the right term, but what i mean is when you feel like this is the person you want to commit to and the feeling’s mutual enough that you both are comfortable to announce it, after you know that the relationship is a stable one

love knots: would you like to forget the person you shared your first kiss with?

TECHNICALLY i’ve already had my first kiss, but i don’t rlly count it since i was like 4 LOL. but i don’t wna forget luke, i think it was just a sweet thing that happened when you’re both youngins and innocent, ykno?

promise ring: who do you see yourself being with in two years?

….. jl. in 2 yrs if i actually am not with him i’d be pretty surprised

aphrodite: how important are looks?

it definitely plays a role, but it’s not everything. all i care is that they’re beautiful to ME

angel: do you like ‘bad boys’ or sweethearts more?

can i cheat and say both, bc j looked like a fuckboi the first time i saw him on my friend’s sc, but after talking to him for so long, my friend was right in insisting that j’s inherently a sweet, caring, and protective guy albeit being a lil headass

so he fits my type almost to a tee: bro-ey at times, but is loving and sweet

harp: have you ever written a poem for a crush?

YEP!! never delivered it though bc i wasn’t trying to die

red: where will you be spending february 14th?

probs in my bed with my other roomies as we fuckin simp our hearts out

love notes: who was your last valentine? where are they now?

never had one!

flowers: what’s the best romantic gift to give someone?

something home- or hand-made, just something from the heart; something as simple as an earnest letter means so much to me

but tbh i would just MELT if they got me lingerie, like a REALLY good set that i’ve been pining over for months and then one day... boom on the bed in a cute box all tied up omfg i’d just weep

st. valentine: what are your hopes for love this year?

romantic: i’m not quite looking for a relationship, but i think what i’m trying to get at is a sense of commitment. trust and security is what i’m hoping to gain from interacting more with j

platonic: that i love and am open to giving and receiving more love from my friends

familial: same; i want to reassure my mom and brother of how much i love and cherish them

#bun and games #mir

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muertaheux · 4 years

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Post J call (19/05) [diary sub.]

4 days of no sleep has meant unblocking+subsequently spending a lot of time thinking about or talking to J the past couple days. but damage done & now that I know that this man has stopped doing all the things he was supposed to do continue doing once we were completely over; ensuring that he does those things again feels like my responsibility!!

-SO! An attempt at digesting some of the most jarring things he said since instantaneous reflection/clarity was impossible !! -

“when you first wanted to end things there was no doubt that you’d be coming back out here”

like there’s a pandemic and i have no reason i need to go back to the bay as it’s alll online now ??

“see I’m not even in LA!! I chose not to be for you!!”

We’ve had no contact for months and I had no idea he still mainly lived in Oakland?? So that cannot be put on me?? ALSO literally one of the last things I had said to him was about how at least now he can live in LA & something to the effect of how he should try + actually enjoy the lifestyle now?? LA bitches always made me feel a way & a lot of the LA guys he worked with or just at different events were just a lot???

“How can you act like this is the way its supposed to be with us?? If you just decided that there’s not even a chance anymore than that’s fucked up that you gave me false hope”

WHAT THE FUCK. It’s certainly not healthy to entertain possibility of reconciliation, for plenty of reasons but especially as he’s not risen to the occasion of doing what he needs to do! I didnt leave him high and dry as he has the blueprints, tools, and resources now. Literally last night he was texting acknowledging how we’re both not “whole” and it seemed he got that we must be separate but I guess not?? I didn’t give him false hope???

Damn like I was still balancing my own academic + professional + personal obligations and mental health ?? I will do basically anything for someone I love and as his gf ended up taking on quite a bit . But I was 21/22 w. a rigorous course+research load,demanding job, & my own traumas & mental illness to manage??? I loved tf out of him but I am too young & too shaky myself for the dynamic we had to have been sustainable?? I don’t regret putting him onto therapy+psychiatry & the business/financial resources/techniques but being his buffer for the industry stuff in LA was exhausting & fucked w me. I hate almost everything about LA& I get that he’s more introverted than me + has wild imposter syndrome but he was the one who had a right to be there I’m not even remotely connected to that field and again I despise most of the LA bitches- I’m in my early 20’s obviously I would still have wild self esteem issues etc?? I would literally be crying for a good portion of the drive or flight down there almost every time after the first one. But as he would literally run every single business decision or interaction by me & even once the money started coming + he had validation regarding his skill set, for awhile he still would be second guessing the creative aspect of it; and he only really trusts & is out of his shell completely with his Oakland friends, people in LA/anyone he works with he views strictly as clients/collaborators - he wouldn’t go to anything he needed to in LA if I wouldn’t come with him. Okkk yes he was ode loyal/ attentive to me as well as supportive + invested in my stuff & we really protected/looked out for one another in different ways, so it’s not that he was undeserving.. I just can’t be or do everything for someone!!! I also would not even have chance of being close to happy if I stayed in states now that I am completely disillusioned with medicine ??

“That’s insane that you’ve been able to move on like this that’s so fucking ode [my name redacted]. I bet you were fucking other people when were together”

What. the . fuck. I WAS NOTHING BUT LOYAL WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER AND UNLESS I WAS IN CLASSES OR WORKING WE WERE TOGETHER!! I actually have never spent so much time with one person (and didn’t even mind it) before or after him. He knows I never cheated on him smfh he hurled this same accusation back in the winter after I started hooking up with someone again. So I don’t really get why he’s even acting like this is brand new information because the inciting incident for me to cut him off completely a few months ago was how he was handling me hooking up with someone. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to tbh??

Also if it wasn’t for pandemic or if he was IN LA as a single man, I’m sure he would’ve ended up with at least someone ?? Yeah he’s not a hookup kinda guy but if he was taking the same drgz but Im not there than Im sure he’d have plenty of bodies, he’s objectively gorgeous to the point that people are wild confused by his personality & mannerisms.

ALSO we’ve been broken up technically since the fall!! I’ve hooked up with TWO people, which is my prerogative?? I could hookup with a ton of people and it would still be well within my rights as in no way are he and I together ?? It doesn’t mean I don’t care or love him at all but it’s literally mid- May?? I get that he’s mainly upset that the person I most recently was with is the guy from Feb. What I didn’t count on or realize was that I had given J enough info that combined with his naturally sharp memory he’d piece together that the Feb/recent guy is the last person I was in love with before the relationship w J. Once he figured that out he was pressing for more info but I never give out names from situations anyways & I actually had to aggressively ask him if he enjoyed being hurt or something because there’s no reason he needs to fixate on this ??

“this is so fucked up youre not gonna give us a chance to say goodbye for real?? you promised me that it wouldn’t be the last time we saw each other , was this your plan all along ? i can’t believe i really thought you were gonna come back . i’m so fucking stupid. when i heard about schools, even graduations, going online i convinced myself that you still had to come back here or that you’d find a reason. what the fuck rachel! what am i supposed to do?”

Ok he started off yelling (for him) there but once it was just crying i got that his abandonment issues are triggered & that’s definitely valid but he can’t guilt me into coming out to Oakland & based off the past couple days he is not in a place that I can trust myself around. We’d definitely end up fucking & probably doing drgz & there would be no closure we’d just have intense /cinematic experiences that will make separation that much harder AGAIN. We can bring out the best in one another but we also bring out the absolute worst!! We can’t forget the truly fucking horrible parts of our relationship and how out of control it was. Love is not enough!!! The way we loved one another was all consuming & that doesn’t work when there’s soooo much individual healing+ growth that needs to happen.

of course i still love him as well , but i can’t even remind him of that as it’ll then be “so you’ll come back?” fuck like people can love people and know not to be with them!! if i was in a better place maybe i’d think about it; but i’m so far from where I need to be. ofc I miss a lot about him and the relationship but it’s more detrimental than it is beneficial!! it’s not like he didn’t have his grievances too he just doesn’t keep them in perspective in this type of situation . like yeah we coexisted extraordinarily well & never had little arguments over dumb shit/ needed a break from one another; but when we would fight it would be a massive aggressive blowout. ok great we didn’t find one another annoying but also we were respectively v fucking triggered by some deep rooted behavior (i.e our respective parents +trust issues, ptsd and psychosis manifested completely differently; bc of our constant proximity to one another - my BP was on full display multiple times; i accepted he was set on carrying but it was ultimately more like stockpiling ; we both at times did reckless things which made us obsess over the other’s safety [mine mainly in mixed or manic states] ; different attitudes/approaches to drgz) . the codependency was in some lights eventually p unhealthy , especially as eventually down the road itd be impossible to accommodate that degree of attachment to one another!!

ok in some way it’s romantic or w/e that we literally couldn’t be w/o one another at night but also we made it way harder on ourselves when we’d focus on making sure we could be with the other at their obligation instead of our respective responsibilities(i.e me always in LA with him, he ended up coming overseas 3x (EU&Middle East) when I was there for work/conference( for countries he wouldn’t be able to get into he waited at w/e neighboring one would be safe for him), based his UK work trip around my exams schedule so he could bring me, brought me to PFW, etc. ) even considering taking space at any point was never a real conversation.. we were genuinely best friends but just bounced back from w/e dysfunctional argument we had vs solving it and we’re both mad paranoid people & we need someone to physically be there to feel reassured;on the surface and in actuality in some ways the dynamic was ideal- (regardless tho having someone be your primary safety is hardly fail-safe ).

Both of us are insomniacs & deal w night terrors; but from v. early on we figured out how to handle these things in each other to the point that both of us stopped our respective nighttime vices & could sleep naturally; in the case of night terrors the other person would soothe them back. His overwhelming need to protect found a match with my overwhelming longing for safety even before we knew a ton about one another&the respective back stories. Because of Chantel Miller’s assault case that had gone viral(re:the SU Swimmer case) years before, J was convince su at night was dangerous & always picked me up+ put pepper spray canister in my bag literally a week after we first met. When he learned my history/some of the traumas (mainly nyc r**** & parts i shared re:tr********* abroad) etc he was especially ode about my overall safety. (Tbf he has seen a lot in his life but he mistook my taking risks at times as being completely oblivious when most of the times it was because I had assessed the situation and compared to other experiences and I knew I could handle it; ofc for some of the episodic instances it was way more precarious of a situation. )When it was clear that it wasn’t just some over controlling maneuver, it was just easier to try and listen to him about which areas and times to avoid tbh& spared the details of my ~pickups~. He didn’t need protection in the same way; besides the support/‘protection’ for LA/industry stuff, he needed emotional support/validation, reassurance, and to be nurtured & encouraged.

#mheuxarchives

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chikotos · 7 years

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speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot.

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore.

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

#personal #animal abuse/#self harm/#other stuff probably i guess #nya #its long uhh full disclosure i sjt wanted to feel like i was talkin 2 someone nyall can ignore this

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