i hope i die first.
not because i hate my life or i have grown tired of living or i do not see any meaning to my existence anymore, no.
i hope i die first because i cannot bear the thought that if you do, i'd have to live without you. and i don't want that nor will my heart even survive knowing that the reason it beats no longer breathes.
death is lullaby compared to the storm, the chaos, the emptiness, the torment, the anger, and the agony of breathing knowing full well every inhale-exhale has no meaning. because i'd hope that i'm only dreaming of a nightmare but i'd wake up and see the other side of our bed bare.
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Watch "Everlast - What it's Like (Official Music Video)" on YouTube
Lyrics: 👇
"What It's Like"
We've all seen a man at the liquor store beggin' for your change
The hair on his face is dirty, dreadlocked and full of mange
He asks a man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes
"Get a job, you fuckin' slob" is all he replies
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues
Then you really might know what it's like
Then you really might know what it's like
Then you really might know what it's like
Then you really might know what it's like
Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom who said he was in love
He said, "Don't worry about a thing, baby doll, I'm the man you've been dreamin' of"
But three months later he say he won't date her or return her calls
And she swear, "God damn if I find that man I'm cuttin' off his balls"
And then she heads for the clinic and she gets some static walkin' through the door
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner, and they call her a whore
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose
Then you really might know what it's like
Then you really might know what it's like
Then you really might know what it's like
Then you really might know what it's like
I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between
I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
Smoked the finest green
I stroked the fattest dimes
At least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart
You know where it ends
Yo, it usually depends
On where you start
I knew this kid named Max
He used to get fat stacks
Out on the corner with drugs
He liked to hang out late
He liked to get shit faced
And keep the pace with thugs
Until late one night
There was a big gun fight
Max lost his head
He pulled out his Chrome .45
Talked some shit
And wound up dead
And now his wife and his kids
Are caught in the midst
Of all of this pain
You know it comes that way
At least that's what they say
When you play the game
God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to lose
Then you really might know what it's like
Then you really might know what it's like
Then you really might know what it's like
To have to lose...
Personal Note: 👇
I was labeled disabled in 2015, lost damn near everything and was homeless for nearly a year and a half. During that time my battle with the "dark knight of the soul" began. I did have a vehicle so that helped. Trust me... Just be kind, you don't know where their journey is taking them. Help if you can, don't judge. 🤔
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Autism itself isn't so bad. At least, my experience of it isn't. I'm professionally diagnosed, meaning that I have shown enough social traits and other traits consistent with autism to be declared an individual who is autistic.
For me, the worst part of the condition is sensory processing disorder. You actually don't need SPD to get an autism diagnosis, but it is one of the primary criteria that is considered.
I had a terrible day at work due to sensory issues. As if often the case for me. In hindsight, seeing a movie early in the day before heading to work, an already sensory intensive experience, was probably not the best idea for my needs.
It started once I took the ride on the van from the movies to work. Music was playing. Loudly. It was giving me a headache and making me feel sick to my stomach. Even my noise cancelling earplugs weren't helping very much.
I could have asked the driver to turn the music down. I should have. But speaking up is hard for me specifically. I have learned to deal with my lack of social skills by being overly polite and compliant. It's harder to cross social boundaries if you overcompensate and don't even go anywhere near the borderlines.
So I was already in a state of overstimulation by the time I got to work. I sat in the break room for a while, hoping that sitting in a relatively quiet (or at least quieter) and less active space and getting something to eat would give me some relief.
By the time I clocked in and got to my register, I was already dreading the 5 hours that lay ahead of me. Customers are noisy and having to work and deal with overstimulation at the same time is agony - it just makes it all the more painful and unpleasant.
I've had experiences in the past where the overstimulation has been so bad that I become extremely irritable and occasionally it's led me to even shed tears while waiting on customers - I just needed it to stop for even just five minutes so I could get a better handle on myself. In some way it's a way that I silently beg for the people around me to stop, stop, please stop, even just for 30 seconds, this is too much. Not that it works, but I also don't know how else to handle it.
For some autistic people, it goes beyond that: meltdowns. Emotional outbursts that may involve screaming, crying, lashing out. It's not that they are demanding things go their way, but rather the world is so overwhelming at that moment. It's more of a plea than anything else.
I don't believe I've had full on meltdowns since childhood. However: rarely, if things do not let up, I will instead partially "shut down". It becomes harder to speak and I even lose some motor capabilities. Basically my brain is going into survival mode at that point and shutting down any processes that it deems unnecessary to get through the situation.
In conclusion, I don't think I would do well working in a larger grocery store with higher customer traffic. The one I work at is the smallest in the district.
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So I just saw a post by a random personal blog that said “don’t follow me if we never even had a conversation before” and?????? Not to be rude but literally what the fuck??????????
I’ve had people (non-pornbots) try to strike conversation out of nowhere in my DMs recently, and now I’m wondering if they were doing that because they wanted to follow me and thought they needed to interact first. I feel compelled to say, just in case, that it’s totally okay to follow this blog (or my side blog, for that matter) even if we’ve never talked before.
Also, I’m legit confused. Is this how follow culture works right now? It was worded like it’s common sense but is that really a thing?
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