like logically i know wildfires happen anyway like theyre a natural thing but isnt there something apocalyptic about wildfires becoming SO common and SO destructive to where the past few years ive regularly experienced wildfire smoke here on long island, a place that doesnt naturally experience many wildfires, and the only reason we’re being hit with this smoke is because it has traveled hundreds of miles from across the country. And every year theres record heat waves and people dying. And every year theres record strong storms and hurricanes. And every year tornadoes are suddenly becoming more common outside tornado alley. just what is going on anymore man i just feel this vague sense of dread and doom all the time

Can you do 2 from the soul mate list with Josh Anderson please? He seems like a guy who has a never ending inner thoughts

au #2. you can hear your soulmate in your head... and god is he annoying

word count: 1.1k pairing: Josh anderson x reader

The voice inside of your head had been there for years, constantly chirping around in the background, dropping its input when it believed it was relevant, constantly chatting away, whether it was meant to be to itself or to you, who knows. It took a few years for the voice to really be able to articulate itself, remaining as just background noise inside your head for so many years before.

As the owner of the voice grew older, so did its prominence inside of your head. It was easy to put a name to the voice, Josh, as he called himself so often, constantly berating himself for things that made no sense to you.

Could’ve hit him harder, should’ve skated faster, do you even know how to hit the net? God, what a shit pass. Who even is this kid? I’m going to rip this guy’s head off soon.

The thoughts weren’t always violent, but it was a daily occurrence, usually an hour or two of insane thoughts that pushed you to wonder whether the owner of the voice was entirely sane.

You knew the stories, had heard it from all your friends, every soulmate pair was found differently. Some had matching marks, some were able to escape in each other’s dreams, and some were able to hear each other’s thoughts.

It didn’t take you long to realize you and your soulmate fit the latter of all the options. Josh’s thoughts inside of your head slowly began coming through more and more throughout the years, probably around the same time that yours start floating through his brain more and more.

Josh was… if you were to try and put it into words, Josh was something else. He obviously didn’t talk aloud to himself much, as everything he wanted to say was a passing thought that found itself swirling through your own brain.

The first day you met him, you were able to pinpoint the voice almost immediately. It wasn’t that it was an easily distinctive voice, similar to so many other men, but when you hear his thoughts on a daily basis, constantly swimming through your mind and annoying you, it was easy to pinpoint.

“You know, for the fact you complain that I think so much, you’re just as bad. Oh, should I buy this pink towel? Or this blue towel? Oh, but that lamp is so cute, maybe I should buy it instead. You’re the worst. I love you, but you’re the worst.”

It was something he said to you constantly, every time you mentioned that maybe he should think… a little less, or at least try to guard his thoughts from swimming into your brain.

The worst was when he realized he could cater his thoughts specifically so that you’d be able to hear what he chose. It was like he was constantly going out of his way to be the most annoying person he could be, even when he was thousands of kilometres away.

I swear to God if this motherfucker comes near me one more time, I’m going to enjoy taking the fucking penalty when I slash him in his ugly face.

Big Rig? Didn’t know Oleksiak played for the fuckin’ Bolts, news to me. Stupid fuck, two Stanley Cups my ass.

No fucking way! That was a goal? No fucking way. This kid.

Josh was always extra active during games, his thoughts, and the voice inside of your head going a mile per second, constantly chatting away to himself as he made split-second decisions. It was something that surprised you so much when you finally met Josh, because the personality he showed on the outside was not even close to the personality you constantly heard shouting through your head.

He was chatty, lively, and rarely shut up inside of your head, but yet, he was quiet, a bit more reserved in person.

Guys may see me cry if I don’t sink this puck.

Y/N do you hear me? I’m thinkin’ ‘bout you right now. When I get home can we go to a café? I wanna try this new coffee Eddy told me about, it’s like… frothy and shit.

Why are you ignoring me?

Are you asleep?

Sometimes your thoughts wake me up when I’m sleeping. Not all the time. Are you ignoring me? Do you hate me? Is that it? Our souls are connected you can’t hate me.

You’re the worst. I know you’re awake, you’re thinking about the coffee I was just talking about.

You visibly groaned as the sounds continued through your head, Josh’s voice rampaging through your thoughts, distracting you from the screen in front of you, the conference call a mere distraction to the sound of his voice. He always did this, ignored your thoughts in favour of his own, not paying attention to the fact you were just as busy, if not more, than he was.

Joshua, I’m in the middle of a work call. Please stop driving me nuts on purpose.

You hate me, it’s fine. I get it. I’ll just go to the café with Eddy.

Hearing the joking tone in his voice, you tried to tune him out and focus on the sound of your coworkers talking through the call. This was one of the things people with your soulmate abilities failed to mention, once the both of you were able to realize you could cater specific thoughts to the other, it was no holds bar. Josh always had an amazing time doing everything in his power to drive you nuts.

Not realizing how much time had passed, you heard the office door open, Josh pressing himself against the doorframe as he grinned at you. Turning your camera off, you swivelled your chair around, so you were staring directly at him.

“Oh, look who’s happy to see me for once,” rolling your eyes at his words, he moved forward so he could bend down and press a kiss to the corner of your lip as he eyed the computer screen in front of you in disdain.

“You were ignoring me for this? It’s a Saturday morning, babe.”

“Josh, you genuinely think so much. Even on Monday mornings, it’s like you never shut up. Does your brain ever stop? Like, how are your inner thoughts more annoying than you are?”

Pouting at you, Josh crossed his arms over his chest and mumbled incoherently, forgetting the fact that you could hear the words almost crystal clear in your head.

Sorry that I love talking to you.

Rolling your eyes again, you stood up and moved his arms away from his chest, pushing yourself against his body and wrapping your arms around his back.

“I love talking to you too, baby. But sometimes… you just gotta tone down the inner thoughts. Can’t focus on anything when I have your voice in my head.”

“Perfect, I’ll talk more then. Should be the focus of all your attention anyways.”

note: i truly never thought about it... but josh really does seem like the type of guy who just has the most annoying inner monologue. i hope this fit your request. thank you for sending one in!! <3

THE DEGENERATE’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL TV WATCH ‘EM UPS 2021: WEEK TWO, A MUDDLED AND MAUDLIN WEEK OF MAYHEM IN HONOR OF THOSE WE LOST

RTARL would like to extend our warmest holiday wishes to those who celebrate and, even if you don’t, happy 9/11. Now who’s ready for some FOOTBALL!!!!?!?!

So after two weeks of games that combine to count as only one official week even though some teams have already played twice we have only one real question answered: is Alabama still good? Yes, they are. Everything else is still liquefying vapor.

I am assuming everybody is waiting with baited breath for an RTARLsman but I don’t have anything yet. I guess the not-Master Teague RBs on Ohio State are the frontrunners for now. Or that one guy from that one team who was good. You know who I mean.

Saturday, September 11

Matchup    Time (ET)     TV/Mobile

Illinois at Virginia   11:00am   ACCN

Jeff George won Citrus Bowl MVP for the Illini against the Hoos in his last game as a student athlete before becoming the #1 overall pick in the 1990 NFL Draft. Based on this history it is safe to presume that whoever the QB is for Illinois today will be the #1 pick in 2022.

VMI at Kent State   11:30am   ESPN3

I’m not sure on this but maybe this game is cancelled.

WKU at Army    11:30am   CBSSN

Army is favored by 6. I bet this game is boring.

Norfolk State at Wake Forest    12:00pm   ACCNX

I don’t see a line listed but whatever it is bet against Wake covering.

Indiana State at Northwestern     12:00pm    BTN

This game is an act of terrorism.

Alabama State at 25 Auburn     12:00pm    SECN

Real body bag season starts today, huh?

Youngstown State at Michigan State  12:00pm   BTN

The Michigan State running back is the guy I was trying to think of earlier! He’s pretty good. Not good enough to make me watch this but I will check on his stats every so often.

Tulsa at Oklahoma State   12:00pm   FS1

I bet Mike Gundy has some really salient thoughts on the 20th anniversary of 9/11 and I can’t wait to hear them.

South Carolina at East Carolina   12:00pm      ESPN2

South Carolina is a two point favorite against an East Carolina team that is, per my understanding, not exactly good. So I can only extrapolate that South Carolina is likewise not good.

Pitt at Tennessee  12:00pm   ESPN

Look, I’m not going to pretend this is good television but if Pitt rocks their classic yellow helmets and Tennessee wears non-alternates the colors on the screen will at least be pleasing. The thought of the actual football involved hurts my brain but it’s interesting that the points have gone from a consensus pick ‘em to Pitt -3 over the course of the week. Does Tennessee have any players that are good enough that by missing the game they could impact the gambling that much? Or are people just squaring themselves with the fact the the Vols are really and truly a ruined burnt out hole of a football program? Pound the latter.

12 Oregon at 3 Ohio State  12:00pm   FOX

Losing Kayvon Thibideaux certainly isn’t going to help Oregon but he’s not usually on the field as a run stopper anyway and if Ohio State learned anything last week it’s that they can just run until they feel like throwing a pass. Oregon actually has some legit talent on the d-line besides Thibideaux but the Ducks are gonna be hard-pressed to keep things within two scores here.

Miami (Ohio) at Minnesota   12:00pm   ESPN

If Oregon can’t make a game of it in Columbus look out because this time block is an absolute wasteland. There is scant reason to turn the TV on for the early schedule other than gambling purposes.

Kennesaw State at Georgia Tech   12:00pm    RSN/ESPN3

Georgia Tech probably should have closed up shop after Paul Johnson retired. Either that or just absolutely slathered the football program in dollars. The Yellow Jackets being unable to land any big time recruits while playing in Atlanta is a real mindfuck. They aren’t a AA program playing dress up in a “power” conference they’ve got actual history. I don’t mean to give the impression I want them to be good but I don’t understand how they can be such fodder for so long.

13 Florida at USF    1:00pm    ABC

Remember that year when USF was the best program in the state? Wild stuff. Weird, wild stuff. I know the deal with UF is that they don’t go out of state for contract games but it’s actually kind of surprising they even bothered to keep this trip to Tampa on the schedule. Like the area recruits would probably be happier to go see a game at The Swamp than to kick around their hometown for a pile of shit like this.

Wyoming at NIU    1:30pm   ESPN+

I’m not gonna open the ESPN app for this but if it was on ESPN2 I’d probably check in on it during commercials. Aesthetically pleasing trash with an upside for actual entertainment.

Middle Tennessee at 19 Virginia Tech    2:00pm   ACCNX

Virginia Tech’s home crowd scene was the normie story of last week’s games. People that don’t watch college football were either aghast or frantically waving their blue lives matter flags in response. Us in this space just ate the shame and forgot it happened by the time Saturday’s games kicked off. My theory is that VPI is not actually any good but UNC’s 2020 season was a well-timed fluke and the last hurrah of Mack Brown’s storied coaching career. The Hokies are at home, though, and MTSU is almost certainly not on the same athletic level as the Turkey Gobblers so I’d probably take the home team -20 if I were so inclined to wager on this particular game that is being broadcast on the ACC’s new pornography channel.

Rutgers at Syracuse    2:00pm    ACCN

Holy fuck does this game suck. Reuniting former Big East, uh, rivals (??? does Rutgers have any natural enemies?) in a cross-conference classic betwixt the B1G and the ACC.

Duquesne at Ohio   2:00pm   ESPN3

I don’t think I need to explain to you all the national title implications riding on this game.

Toledo at 8 Notre Dame    2:30pm     Peacock

Just remember that if you subscribe to Peacock you are at the very least tacitly supporting Notre Dame. If for some reason you’re watching this please report back on how many of those defensive pick plays Notre Dame runs. They were doing that shit constantly against Florida State last week and it drove me nuts. I think the idea is that you are so flagrantly illegal so often that the refs grow numb to it and just don’t call it at all.

Robert Morris at Central Michigan     3:00pm    ESPN3

Not to be outdone by the early games, the 3 o’clock set is equally terrible.

Purdue at UConn    3:00pm    CBSSN

I bet Edsall still gets bonuses for stupid shit even now that he’s retired or whatever the official designation was for him no longer coaching.

Boston College at UMass    3:30pm    FloFootball/NESN+

I don’t know what FloFootball is but I know it isn’t anything to do with the state of Florida.

Ball State at 11 Penn State    3:30pm    FS1

It surprises me to see Penn State as only -22.5 favorites. That seems very kind to Ball State. Hopefully I’m wrong and the Ball State Lettermans take it to the Sanduskys.

Murray State at 7 Cincinnati    3:30pm    ESPN+

Practice week continues.

Temple at Akron    3:30pm    ESPN+

Pound the under.

Georgia Southern at Florida Atlantic   3:30pm   Stadium

There is really nothing going on this week.

Air Force at Navy   3:30pm   CBS

Middies vs. Fly Boys in the first leg of the Commander’s Cup on the twentieth anniversary of 9/11. I can’t imagine the amount of emotional manipulation that’s going to make its way onto this broadcast. Normally I watch these games but I don’t think I can do it this year.

UAB at 2 Georgia    3:30pm    ESPN2

Georgia may well be absurdly talented on the defensive side of the ball but I’d be surprised to see them make it through the regular season with fewer than two losses.

5 Texas A&M at Colorado     3:30pm     FOX

This is only interesting if the Aggies spring a leak.

California at TCU    3:30pm    ESPNU

Things most certainly are not looking up.

Buffalo at Nebraska    3:30pm    BTN

Nebraska is in an interesting position because if they buck the odds and end up being good after we’ve all been so ready to see a National Championship-winning coach get fired that would be funny but if they end up being really bad it’s even funnier. Go Bulls!

Mercer at 1 Alabama    4:00pm   SECN

I’ll cry a little if Saban pulls the starters in the first half and the Tide beats Mercer by less than they beat Miami.

South Alabama at Bowling Green   4:00pm    ESPN+

10 Iowa at 9 Iowa State    4:30pmABC

This is not the kind of top 10 matchup I can just sit idly by and let it happen. Your silence is complicity in this monstrous display of modernity.

SC State at 6 Clemson    5:00pm      ACCN

Clemson dropped all the way to #6 and they’ll hang around the top of the polls because they don’t have the toughest conference schedule in the world but my confidence in them is not high right now. I think the new QB is just a guy. He’s talented as hell but I don’t see him being great.

Illinois State at Western Michigan     5:00pm   ESPN3

This is either MACtion or MACtion adjacent and I have only one word for this midwestern trash: abhorrent.

LIU at West Virginia   5:00pm    ESPN+

LIU plays football?

Lamar at UTSA      6:00pm    ESPN3

Downside: You’re watching one of the least important games of the year. Upside: You’re really not missing anything.

Portland State at Washington State    6:00pm    P12N

Washington State was a perfect spot for the stupid pirate fuckhead and his leaving has ruined the program and, eventually, his reputation. Not relevant to this game necessarily but this game isn’t relevant to anything else, either.

Gardner-Webb at Charlotte   6:00pm    ESPN3

Oh, yeah, feel the excitement.

Bethune-Cookman at UCF   6:30pm   ESPN+

Go Cats.

NC Central at Marshall    6:30pm    ESPN+

The hits keep coming.

Houston at Rice   6:30pm    CBSSN

I’ve always had a soft spot for Holgo and for Houston football but somehow I really don’t like seeing him coach the Cougs. This is SWC magic but with no magic. UNLESS! Houston can put up 100. I don’t think they even have the guys to do it but this is Rice we’re talking about here.

Nicholls at Louisiana    7:00pm    ESPN3

Keep the energy up.

North Texas at SMU   7:00pm   ESPN+

I bet is MS621 were still alive he’d be at this game giving Spencer’s boys hell. Sadly he died doing what he loved, curing his COVID by eating ivermectin paste out of a horse’s butt. R.I.P., friend. Neigh to you wherever you are.

Southeastern La. at Louisiana Tech   7:00pm    ESPN3

Even the low tier stuff is geared up for annihilation. This is a bodybag week for all time.

Memphis at Arkansas State    7:00pm    ESPN+

Memphis getting less than a touchdown against Arkansas State seems like easy money but I have no real concept of either of these teams just yet. Maybe the end is nigh for the Tigers glory years? I sure hope not but it’s possible.

NC State at Mississippi State    7:00pm     ESPN2

This game should be as fun as a parents funeral.

Southern Illinois at Kansas State   7:00pm      ESPN+

Over the past week I experienced derision for referring the the guys in purple and silver as “Kansas State” instead of “K State” and that stung because it always surprises me that anybody cares about them enough to have a strong opinion about them.

Stephen F. Austin at Texas Tech    7:00pm    ESPN+

Shrugs

15 Texas at Arkansas    7:00pm   ESPN

Let’s see if Texas is ready to run with the big boys of the SEC! Arkansas is given a decent shot to win this game and that makes the “15″ next to Texas appear extremely suspect in my eyes.

Texas Southern at Baylor    7:00pm   ESPN+

This week Texas Southern is the people’s champion.

Texas State at FIU   7:00pm    ESPN+

Oh, Butch, why have you done this to yourself?

Western Carolina at 4 Oklahoma      7:00pm     PPV

All the Westen Carolina fans are buying this PPV to see their guys score 40.

New Mexico State at New Mexico    7:00pm     Stadium

I looked up the historic rivalry last year to figure out why it was played early in the season instead of at the end but I’ve forgotten and don’t feel the need to look it up again. I figured out how to watch Stadium on my TV but I also forgot that and don’t feel the need to look it up again.

Appalachian State at 22 Miami (FL)  7:00pm   ESPNU

My gut tells me Miami is probably legitimately about the 14th best team in the country but I still would never advise you to bet actual money on the Hurricanes. Are they 9 points better than App State? Easily. They should win by 20+. Are they liable to fuck around and lose or scrape out a win in the final seconds? Absolutely. Let’s fuckin’ go.

Morgan State at Tulane    7:00pm    ESPN+

A lot of people learned to love the Green Wave last week but it’s hard to keep that going with their schedule. Don’t forget them later in the year when the CBSSN glow is really shining.

Liberty at Troy   7:00pm   ESPN+

Liberty -4 is maybe my surest advice of the week. If Malik Willis is as good as his press the fake school should have this game on ice early.

Eastern Michigan at 18 Wisconsin   7:00pm    FS1

I find Wisconsin’s losing effort against Penn State last week to be a personal affront against me and all of nature.

Eastern Kentucky at Louisville    7:00pm   ACCNX

I think this game being broadcast at night on ACCNX means they’re playing naked.

Grambling State at Southern Miss    7:00pm    ESPN3

This is the kind of game that belongs on an app.

Hampton at Old Dominion    7:00pm    ESPN3

This is the kind of game that belongs on a well-worn high school football field.

Austin Peay at 20 Mississippi   7:30pm     ESPN+/SECN+

This is a pretty big OOC game for an SEC team.

Georgia State at 24 North Carolina    7:30pm    RSN/ESPN3

One of several GSUs, I think this is the one I most hope emerges victorious this week.

Idaho at Indiana   7:30pm    BTN

Wait, wasn’t Indiana like #10 last week? What the hell happened to them? No, don’t tell me. Seriously, don’t.

Missouri at Kentucky     7:30pm    SECN

When the SEC hits 24 teams the “S!E!C!” chants are gonna seem really stupid.

Howard at Maryland    7:30pm    BTN

There’s no official line for this game but I hope the Bison can pull off the upset in this classic local rivalry game.

Jacksonville State at Florida State    8:00pm   ACCN

Still shaking my head at FSU icing their own kicker. Jesus, Norvell. Get your shit together.

McNeese at LSU     8:00pm      ESPN+/SECN+

LOLSU was my lock of the week last week if you’re considering taking gambling advice from me.

Washington at Michigan    8:00pm    ABC

UDub lost to a 1-AA team last week and now they have to go on the road and beat Michigan. Which seems inevitable, to be honest.

Cal Poly at Fresno State    10:00pm    CW59

The murder rate will continue to increase as the day progresses. I always kind of like it when a local broadcast shows up on the sheet. So pretty much none of us have legal access to this game. It makes it more special.

San Diego State at Arizona    10:00pm    P12N

Pac-12 Network is similar to CW59 in that almost nobody in the country has legal access to their broadcasts. If you’ve read enough of these posts you are aware that SDSU is my weird very deep backup team. I don’t have a reason to align myself with the school or program, I just tend to enjoy watching their games.

Vanderbilt at Colorado State     10:00pm    CBSSN

This is an abomination.

21 Utah at BYU     10:15pm    ESPN

This is a lowkey fun rivalry. I’m pretty sure I write the same thing every year but it’s still true. Go Utes.

Stanford at 14 USC     10:30pm    FOX

I think USC could win a national championship and I’d still be baffled that Clay Helton is their coach. Of course, they won’t win a national championship as long as Clay Helton is their coach but they apparently won’t ever get embarrassing enough to fire him, either.

Idaho State at Nevada    10:30pm    Stadium

This is the lowpoint of the week’s schedule and you have to stay up late to watch it on a network that only exists as an app or as part of a hidden unlockable download-only level of cable subscription. This is the beauty of the college game.

UNLV at 23 Arizona State    10:30pm   ESPN2

Herm Edwards figured out the trick to looking good in the Pac-12 without having a particularly great team and I can’t make up my mind if I’m rooting for him to keep sliding on that rail or to fall off it. I think I’ve come around to rooting for him but it’s a very dynamic and fluid situation.

Hawaii at Oregon State   11:00pm    FS1

Hawaii gets to play at their normal time for a game against the bottom of the barrel of the Pac-12 but they’re an 11-point underdog. If you’re ever going to take Hawaii, this is the stars lining up for you to do it. It’s still a big “if” but I’m saying there’s a chance.

I am not normally one to throw a whole lot of personal stuff around on my blog, but I feel the need to rant. 

Some big-name grocery stores are paying hazard pay to their employees. $2/hr bonus for having to deal with the customers panic-buying all the eggs, meat, toilet paper, and pasta sauce (but not pasta? What’s all the sauce for???), restocking as much as they can, and dealing with the likelihood of catching COVID-19 just because they have to show up for work because it’s an essential business that can’t close.

That’s great! Now that the employees have to be there, of course, because I’m sure they’d all rather be home, but that their companies are acknowledging that they are what’s keeping the store afloat and are compensating them better for it. Even if it is a temporary boost in pay until the pandemic is over, I’m sure it will not go unnoticed by the team members.

Now. Having said that...

I think I’ve mentioned once before that I work at Walgreens. (If not, it’s no big secret *shrug*). Like any other grocery store and pharmacy, we are an essential retailer that can’t just close down in the face of a serious pandemic. We know the store has to stay open. We don’t expect it to close. Ever. I mean, we’re the only store in town open on Christmas all day. The world can end twice over and we’ll still be selling cigarettes and printing photo orders.

Some of what’s happened to other stores (read: grocery) has happened with us. My store in particular is out of toilet paper and paper towels, milk, eggs, sanitizer, etc. All those nice things that the panicking hoarders bought everyone out of within two weeks or so, they’re gone. They’ve been gone. And it’s near impossible to get it back in stock.

We’ve had customers give us shit because we don’t have any paper goods, cleaning supplies, disinfectant, masks, gloves, rubbing alcohol, heck - even the Tylenol is all gone. You know how much OTC pain medicine we keep on the shelves year-round? TONS. And it’s wiped clean. Even the generic Tylenol is out. It’s nuts. 

“Why are you still out of everything!? Don’t you guys receive trucks anymore?”

“When are you getting “[name that product]” in?”

“WHY DON’T YOU EVER HAVE TOILET PAPER?”

Okay, truth be told, we have been getting paper goods back in stock. By the third hour it’s been restocked to the floor, it’s gone again, and that’s with setting a harsh limit per customer. We’ll get maybe two bottles of hand sanitizer in a week. Clorox or Lysol wipes and disinfectant spray? Forget it.

The Tylenol is a recent addition to the “whoop, it’s gone!” club. We’ll probably restock just fine on it, but it might take a week or so. ...Or maybe it won’t. Who knows.

I can see exactly what comes in on each truck before it arrives. But I can’t tell the customers that in fear they’ll storm the truck or something before we’ve finished unloading it. 

“Our truck comes later this week. We can’t guarantee what’s going to be on it.”

Which is true, because essentially every distribution center is out of all the things people want. 

And because we are also a pharmacy, where the sick come to get the medicine to feel better, we are constantly in the line of fire for picking up whatever illness our customers drag through the front door. Doesn’t have to be COVID-19. People don’t know how to stay the fuck home when they’re ill.

You would think that all the Karens and the Susans who bought all the hand soap, sanitizer and face masks would have better sick etiquette, but nooo, they’re the ones not covering their mouth and nose and spreading their germs all over everyone and everything.

And don’t even get me started on how dirty money is.

So, being such a large and well-respected(?) retail pharmacy, what has Walgreens done for our employees in these troubling times of uncertainty and unease for their team members?

1. 2 weeks of paid sick pay but only if you’ve been confirmed to have COVID-19. And since testing is so readily available (HA), if you have flu-symptoms and choose to stay home and self-isolate, you can! But it comes out of either your PTO, or goes unpaid. 

And if your child is home because no school and you have no one to watch them? It’s fine to stay home, but you won’t get paid unless you pull PTO. If you have it.

2. Social distancing markers! There are tape lines on the floor for the checkout and pharmacy lines. Except that when you need the pharmacist for a consult and you’re at the window, or standing at the pharmacy/front checkout counter, it is impossible to stand 6ft away. What, am I supposed to let the customer throw the money at me? Am I supposed to ring out their purchases and fling the bag back at them? Let me tell you a secret: it doesn’t work.

3. Discouraged wearing of gloves and masks at the front register. Okay, I see the point behind these. Not that anyone has masks to wear, mind you, but they don’t prevent the catching of COVID-19. And wearing gloves just keeps the dirt and germs on the gloves, and keeps you from frequently washing your hands, which is what everyone recommends you doing anyhow. But...realistically. The checkout cashier doesn’t have the ability after every 2 transactions to go wash their hands. And sanitizer is really only so effective. Either way, it’s not stopping whoever wants to wear gloves from wearing them, so we have gloves up front to use. 

4. Sent care packages to help us clean, and reduced store hours. My store was open 8am-10pm. Now it’s 9am-9pm. That hour in each direction really doesn’t do a whole lot of difference. The idea is to clean, disinfect everything, and restock in the new time window that the store is now closed. Which is fine. But we don’t have anything to restock, our stockroom is BARE. And those care packages for the store to use? A case of toilet paper that I could have ordered myself when ordering supplies, a 6-pack of paper towels, two tubs of Clorox wipes, a box of 30 gloves. Oh yes, this will last a long time... We’ve also been given the go-ahead to expense any product off the shelf that we need to keep the store disinfected. 

...Expense what!? THE SHELVES ARE EMPTY.

---

To give my company some credit, they are very good at keeping us updated with what’s going on. There are usually message posts every/every other day, and I honestly do feel like they are trying to do well in a situation that is trying for just about everyone. 

Many team members have spoken up in comment forums with concerns, and they are doing what they can to address them.

Now, having said that....

(Remember that first paragraph about hazard pay? I know it was like a year ago up there at the top of the post)

Today, 3/22/20, Walgreens announced that they are giving their store and distribution team members a one-time bonus to show their appreciation for us. 

We, the team members ringing out all of our customers purchases while they cough and sneeze uncovered in our general direction, the pharmacy technicians and pharmacists dealing with angry and impatient patients because the lines are long and everyone’s trying to get early refills on their medications, on top of the usual crowd in for their regular pickup or just trying to drop off a new script. We the team members having to placate the customers by walking into an empty stockroom, look at the empty shelving for 10 seconds so we can then walk back out and assure them that “no, we really are out of face masks and rubbing alcohol”. 

We hourly team members fighting the fight on the front lines and praying to whoever we believe in that we don’t contract COVID-19 from anyone and everyone, will get a one-time bonus of $300 for full-timers, and $150 for part-time, at the end of APRIL.

Are. You. Serious?

I realize that it is better than them shrugging their shoulders and doing absolutely nothing. For many people, I’m sure it’ll be welcome. I can definitely use the $300, considering I lost all my hours at my second job and am going to probably be short in the upcoming months. 

But, as this is a bonus, it’ll probably be taxed to hell. I’ll probably really see only half of it. And when you break it down, it’s like a $.53 raise, for four weeks. But you have to wait four weeks to get it. 

We are just as vital as the grocery store down the street. The fact that Walgreens think that this will placate its worried employee-base is completely out of touch. But then again, the people making these decisions are probably doing so from the comfort of home and not in the stores super busy with customers standing on top of each other, and us while they grab the last can of soup and box of vinyl gloves available. 

For us fighting to keep everyone else happy and healthy, this is a slap in the face and a punch to the gut. 

If I am going to work every day, risking my health and the health of my family just so everyone else can pick up their essentials...and non-essentials, I should be compensated for it. Without us in the stores, no one is getting their good sad stare at the toilet paper aisle, ranting over the lack of Tylenol, or waiting in line for that flu shot they should have gotten at least 5-6 months ago.

Not to mention...you know...getting their medication. That’s important too.

It’s time Walgreens gave us the hazard pay we deserve. And conveniently enough, several days ago, someone started a petition in hopes that might happen.

So if you’ve made it to the end of my rant, and want to try and help out a frustrated shift manager, or any of the other thousands of store and DC employees who must feel extremely slighted right now, feel free to click and sign. There are already 45,000+ signatures. Every bit helps.

And if not? Maybe signal boost this post. It might wander onto the blog of another Walgreens employee just as frustrated as I am. Who knows.

Thanks for reading,  Michelle the disgruntled employee 

Hi. I love your page 🤍 Can you please tell me how does it work to get married in Korea? Thanks Sending lots of love to you, and be safe 🥰

Hii! Thank you!

In what way? Like how do you get married or how it's like being married to someone Korean? I assume it's the ..former(??) First one.

Getting married in Korea has it's difficulties and also parts that are much more simple than in America. I think this is gonna be long so bear with me.

(It is long..sorry!!)

So let's start with a disclaimer. This is just from my experience and those around me, plus what you sometimes see on TV. The very basic generalized idea of how it works.

First, your date then you decide to get married. Like it's really like that, your date then at some point in whatever way you and your partner communicate you decide to get married, together as a couple; by this I mean no surprise proposals or whatever. Then you and your partner and both of your parents meet for the first time for a dinner where you tell them your plans, but this part is kinda fuzzy for me, what I've heard is that the old school traditional way is that you don't meet each other's Parents until this point but IDK how true that is now, I know I met T's parents (even his extended family) very fast even by American standards and T's friend who is engaged has met his GF's parents a few times here and there over the years but nothing official (as in going to family weddings together or spending holidays together something T and I did a lot) but anyway, and then as it happens in dramas some parents might be against it (but also Idk how true it is now if they have so much say in who you marry or not but given how much they have to do and pay for it, I feel like it's still true)

Then..you propose. In Korea, people don't actually propose until you officially know you're getting married. T "proposed" to me a week before we registered our marriage, and another of his friends who is already legally married to his wife will propose to her soon. point is you won't get proposed to until you guys already agreed on getting married. When I explained that in America it's usually a surprise and that is when you say yes or no they were kinda shocked haha

After this comes marriage registration and ceremony. The order in which you do this is up to you really, some people do the ceremony first and some people do the ceremony 3 years later like us haha. For the registration process it's fairly simple you get the required documents I can't remember what they are but yeah, go to the ..ward office ?? ( that's what google translate told me) give the papers, sign them and bara bim bara boom(apparently its bada bing bada boom 🙃) you married !!

Now the ceremony is the hard part. Multiple people have told me "Korean wedding ceremonies are a business" and boy they really are, it's a weird give and take of money between family members and most of it is for your parents and in-laws.

So first, The most important thing you have to do is set the venue, there are tons of wedding venues all over Seoul you just gotta choose one, set the date chose the available time (oh, here weddings are always around noon or early afternoon and last probably less than two hours cause you gotta be out before the next wedding) now if you have the venue you basically have everything else American/Colombian brides stress about: decorations for the ceremony?? You just deal with what the venue has that season (there are multiple halls per venue so the hall you choose does have a specific style though) bouquet?? You just chose from the options they give you. Entrance songs? Also, choose from the list. Dress? If you want the venue can also rent some pretty dresses for you. Studio? If you want you can also choose from a few studios the venue has partnerships with. Makeup & hair? If you want you can also do it at the venue. (All these "if you want" things have an extra cost though but not much more if you did it independently) reception?? Pshhh what's a reception?? In Korea you do the ceremony, take some pictures, people eat at the venue's buffet while you do some traditional ceremony with just the family elders, afterward you greet the guests and leave. So yes, in Korea if you have the venue you do take care of most of the things brides back home worry about a lot. T and I have been over this wedding since before we even did anything for it so we just fucken did everything with the venue haha

Once you get the venue then you pick put the dress and do the photoshoot and whatnot, but that is not the hard part. Now you go around the family elders (especially your father-in-law's family) and tell them the news, then traditionally the bride has to give each of her father-in-law's siblings 1million krw (little less than a 1000 dollars??) But worry not! On the day of the ceremony you get half of it back (don't ask me why not even T gets it) obviously my family being in Colombia where the Peso is like 4 times less than the Won can not afford that, so my FIL helped us out. Another part which is apparently traditional is that your in-laws buy you jewelry (in addition to the rings) I got two pairs of earrings and a necklace with two pendants and that's cause I was basically forced ( don't feel that comfortable getting expensive stuff) and then there's this other tradition where the bride's friends barricade the bride in her house and the groom's friends have to coax her to come out with gifts by the groom, we didn't do that -it's actually not that common anymore- but t did get me a bag, remember that one post about the man feeling like he has to buy expensive shit for his partner? Yeh, we actually went yesterday and when we came home as we were going to sleep he said that he felt very good that he finally got me something expensive.

After you go around the family elders asking them to come (i couldn't go cause I had the flu) you do the invitations. Now when booking the venue you give an estimate of around how many people but its usually always around 200, why? Cause guest lists don't exist!!! "Only family and friends/close ones" is not a thing that is used here. T has to invite his whole station, I have to invite everyone at my work, he has to invite everyone in his badminton club and his parents get to invite whoever the fuck they want because this is about them, not you. My MIL's badminton club is all going, people, my FIL works with we have never seen in our lives and random people my MIL knows from her bar, not to mention that you don't get to say "no plus ones" or "no children" just know random people are also gonna show up haha but that's not even the issue either, it's giving the invitations. That's a whole other protocol that fucks me up, it's not like in the u.s were you just casually give people the invitations like "hey, go to my wedding, k, byeee" nope, you gotta invite people to dinner or at the minimum buy them some coffee and shit..iiif your close, if not Idk man I have no one to invite that I'm not close too but T has to invite like captains and superiors and the poor man is stressing the fuck out. To the people you're not that close to (or have to suck up to...there's a lot of sucking up in Korea from what I've learned), a simple online invitation will be enough haha

Now after the invitations, there are a few other details you gotta arrange like who's going to Mc the ceremony (one of T's friends) the picture table (it's a table with pictures of you two but you gotta pay for those too) who's going to receive the money envelopes, it's usually: a person from the brides family gets the money from the bride's guests and a person from the grooms family gets it from his gets but since my guests are less than 20 and I have no family here, who cares. Then who's going to catch the bouquet, apparently here you just don't throw it at a group of women but you have to ask someone specifically, I asked my coworker. And who's going to sing the congratulatory songs (축하) one of T's friends will sing "아로하" by Jo Jung-suk and my coworkers will perform AOA's heart attack. Oh, the venue also has a photographer, and on the day before the ceremony the bride is always in a little room sitting on a small couch while guests take pictures with her and the groom is greeting guests haha oh oh! The moms wear hanboks throughout the ceremony and the aunts too.

Then you have to get the hanboks for the traditional ceremony. You can rent those but the lady convinced us to let her make ours from scratch although you can still give them back to them to rent them but the lady and my MIL convinced us to buy them. The traditional ceremony 폐백 pyebaek, Idk how it really is because I've never seen one but I've been told you are in traditional Korean clothes, do some things like serving tea, bounce some ..some ...nuts? Circle thingies on a cloth, feed the family elders, and do an on-the-floor bow for each and every one of them while they hand you money and give you marriage advice. Then you go out and greet the guests while they eat and you starve (that's what everyone says) and you leave for your honeymoon. We can't go on an actual honeymoon cause of my work and Corona but we'll spend the weekend somewhere nice.

And...

that's all I think. I don't know if I'm missing anything its 3 am Haha

Anyway, i hope this was at least fin to read haha thank you!! You stay safe too!♡

eat shit thief but lets not forget,

suck my left nut if your ass ain’t gonna understand the following;

- Some Clans are actually okay and extremely supportive to their members and are still functional despite the low active member count per day.

- Some people actually genuinely want to have a good time on WA.

- You don’t know someone’s home situation. Be mindful, be respectful to those who have bad situations. Whether it be they have a iphone 5 thats cracked and thats the only way they can get online or they have cash out the fucking wazoo.

- Respect Mod. They’re doing this for us, to let us at least have a voice without the leadership team ripping us a new one for stating an opinion. Mod has a life too. They have problems and we need to respect the fact that they’re also a college student. Shit’s rough. (Love u mod ur the best please take care of yourself💛🌻)

- The Soulchaser drama was unfair. Those who say Soul cannot have emotions and vent to friends outside of WA (which shouldn’t have an effect on Soul, they vented on discord in a private group chat.) Soul was demoted because the Leadership Team didn’t want a conscious and actual mature person who wanted to protect and care for the Community like former LT members such as Phoenixaly and Nashira. Soul was demoted around the time me and Phoe had a conversation about her breaking her pinky toe on her suitcase. Which was in Feburary of 2019. Soul didn’t recieve demotion until months later.

- The Mel situation was unfair as well. As someone who personally has experiened s*uicide attempts, gone through a bad homelife and a few other things. Getting banned when Apri manipulated Mel into thinking it was a “safe SupportClan Enviornment” was extremely unprofessional and pretty damn disgusting of Apri. And mind you, SupportClan members AREN’T TO ASSIST SUICIDAL INDIVIDUALS ANYMORE, this was instated nearly a year ago by Nashira and Bright, the SC Leads. Apri initiated a convo with Mel, a person Mel found to be a friend or a safe person to talk to. A trusted individual. Apri shouldn’t have talked with Mel like she did, she shouldn’t have initiated a convo. If she was concerned with Mel, she shouldn’t told them right off the bat that “Hey, please cut the inapropriate themes on your profile out. I cannot help you but, please find a friend or call the helpline if you feel this way.” Instead of fucking banning Mel. Which was UNCALLED FOR.

- Its okay to have opinions. Its okay to be open about your opinions and to people. But know the people around you. Know their limits and how far you can talk to them without them getting uncomfortable. How you do this is ask about triggers in dms, specifically ones that make someone uncomfortable and doesn’t break guidelines or Clan chat rules if you’re in one.

- Respect your artists, writers and content creators. They do it for free y’know. Most survive on that cash until theyre 16/17/18+. Please be mindful most artists follow this system; Paypal > Points > Coins.

- Please also be careful about currencies. 1 penny conversions

3/4 of a penny is 1 da point. Da points can be turned into cash over a course of two weeks now.

1/4 of a penny is 1 amino coin. It is basically a fucking dustbunny. Don’t pay your artists in coins (unless they want coins) yet you have enough to pay in points or cash.

- Reporting people is okay to do on WA. Memorizing some Guidelines and looking and teaching yourself the punishments and loopholes of the Guidelines is okay. But watch your mouth, watch your actions. Things can be incredibly stressful if you say the wrong thing. Take it from me, someone who was unfairly banned for not understanding a sex joke and just heard it on a podcast and thought it meant being forgetful.

- Don’t be scared of staying organized or jumping into a public chat. Be yourself, don’t put on some fake mask because its cool. Be yourself. Doesn’t matter what Clan position, doesn’t matter what titles or how many followers you have. Just be yourself and treat people how you’d wanna be treated. Ironic and cheesy to say yes, but its a pretty good lesson for how Toxic WA has gotten.

I was a WA user of nearly 3 years. At this point, I know about anything about everything you can think about. Drama, old times, etc. these are just some tips for you guys. I saved the most important for the last;

Remember your real life duties. Care for your health and wellness. Your wellness is all states of the human being. Keep them balanced. Put your HEALTH AND WELLNESS OVER SOCIAL MEDIA. Make sure you shower, eat, hydrate, take your meds and overall don’t be scared to take a long Hiatus. Spend time with family and friends and just delete Amino for a while.

You all have a good day. Mod, thanks for sticking with me through this long ass lesson book. I’ll probably do more if you’ll put up with my dumb dumb ass being rambly. 🌻💛

I have wandered into your tumblr and I want to know absolutely everything about your ideas for Earth 3 Impetus and Motion. EVERYTHING. Possibly the least relevant part of that is the family line, as Earth 3 often has really skewed versions of the characters. Would the first Johnny Quick even have a speedster grandson when he was killed and his blood used to power his successors?

Oh, cool ask! Thank you!

😄 I’m very happy to talk about this but I’m afraid you may be disappointed, because I’m Doing It Wrong. I’ve been working off and on on a bespoke Earth-3 for the past…several years. Production has slowed but not stopped. It’s up to over 300,000 words on AO3 at this point.

The issue that set me off was that tendency to skew; I didn’t like it. I found that, most of the times DC had built into Earth-3 before rebooting again, there were two countervailing currents leading writing decisions. On the one hand to make things As Wrong As Possible compared to the main timeline, and on the other to just make them…arbitrarily different.

Lois Lane is Superwoman, evil counterpart of Wonder Woman, for some reason, woop-de-do; this fits under both categories.

This process worked neither according to the ‘timeline that diverged into a Bad Timeline at some point in the distant past but somehow contains versions of the same people in the same place’ premise of the original Star Trek ‘Mirror, Mirror’ episode, nor does it work according to any direct cosmic principle of inversion, although some of the early versions claimed to.

(See: Mirror Christopher Columbus discovered Europe and then later Evil George Washington conquered England for the American Empire, what even guys. 😩)

Also Earth-3 so transparently existed almost every time it was reinvented as a place to get villains from, and to look bad in comparison to the main timeline, without any attention to making it work internally, which I thought was a damn waste of a cool concept. ‘A damn waste of a cool concept’ drives a lot of fanwork lol.

So for my world, I had the slightly conflicting goals of working as close to that amorphous thing ‘canon’ as possible, and of making the setting stand on its own, as a superhero setting, with internal causality and more or less the usual sort of hero-versus-villain logic. So I inverted the alignments of only superheroes and supervillains, and kept as much as possible of their backstories intact.

This means my stuff doesn’t map onto any canon Earth-3, especially not the one from Forever Evil because that came out after I’d already gotten all the big things pinned down. 😅 Some people get upset about this and come yell at me about how i.e. Owlman is Thomas Wayne Junior. But since I always saw that particular concept as a huge cop-out from looking at how few alterations it takes to turn Bruce Wayne into a spectacular villain, I was like ‘nuts to that’ from the start.

If you’re cool with my relationship with canon, on we go.

-&-

So, Impetus and Motion! I don’t remember what I said on that one post where I remember blathering about it, so forgive me if I repeat myself. ^^

Lineage is the same as canon, technically. I’ll go over it; if you don’t care just skip ahead to the next subsection. 😄

Mirror Barry Allen, the Dash, got his villain name for his signature kill technique of grabbing someone, hyperaccelerating them, and then letting go at the right moment that they get dashed against something immovable and go splat. He dashes people against things.

(His eventual sidekick, Blaze, got his for liking to make things combust by accelerating their molecules. The combination makes them sound like a pair of racehorses, which they did not intend and are very annoyed by when it’s pointed out.)

The Dash is pretty scary, especially because most of the ways he abuses his speed for profit are so low-key nobody even notices (i.e. screwing with the stock market) and he doesn’t need to be a supervillain. He just likes it.

His public villain profile is relatively low for the level of danger he poses, tho, because his town is infested with really dumb superheroes who beat him embarrassingly often, when he actually turns up to fight or is successfully ambushed. And with the occasional exception the scale of his crimes is fairly small compared to i.e. Ultraman.

Keeping him imprisoned is ridiculously difficult, tho. He can’t be completely depowered (because the Speed Force is external to him and all the power dampeners that are used assume they’re trying to shut off something generated internally) and he’s really smart, so it took years of battles to keep him long enough to transfer into a proper cell even, and longer to get an unblurred look at his face.

His secret identity survived so long that Barry Allen was there to comfort Iris West after she was targeted by the Dash on several occasions, and they were married by the time he got ultimately unmasked.

She left him after that and moved back to the future, which she was still from because that’s hilarious, but he eventually tracked her down and promised to reform if she’d take him back. This obviously fell apart eventually, but not until after the twins were born.

I haven’t mapped out the mirror Thawne line. I assume the Thawnes with healing powers who inadvertently adopted Barry’s twin were much nicer in this timeline but idk if he ever became Cobalt Blue or what. I hope he lived to old age. Apparently there have been multiple Cobalts Blue? Idk idc, Flash continuity what even are you.

Everyone thought Eobard Thawne was nuts, but he actually did go back in time and stop the Dash from destroying the world with nukes in a fit of rage, his historical analysis, method of giving himself speed powers, and time machine were all successful. He may additionally suffer from some degree of psychosis, but he wasn’t wrong. (His little brother still exists in this universe because good!Eobard wasn’t the type to manipulate time to erase inconvenient family members. He also doesn’t have the title Professor because he never got tenure, so he just goes by Zoom.)

-&-

Bart is still Don and Meloni’s kid. Frankly I don’t understand those two in the normal timeline, so it’s hard to construct their mirror versions in any depth or even decide whether they should get mirrored. (Probably not tbh.) But I don’t exactly need to, because the resulting Bart is very much the same and thus doesn’t really know them. He was still born with his weird speed glitch that caused him to be raised in a simulation, and eventually time-traveled to un-glitch him.

The difference is that he’s not a nice kid. He’s a two year old who looks twelve and has received all his socialization from reasonably good AI in a world that was not real. Where nothing had consequences. Where nobody was real.

He’s very frightening, is Impetus. Impetuous, wildly powerful, selfish–oddly sweet, occasionally, in the ‘gay and innocent and heartless’ way of Peter Pan, but probably even more likely than Peter to knife someone. He’s so delighted the first time he eats actual ice cream, as opposed to a simulated version, but the ice cream stand is now on fire.

Mirror Bart isn’t so much cruel or even un-empathetic as solipsistic. He’s arrested in the state of an intellectually advanced toddler playing, what’s that game called, the one where the objective seems to be getting in car chases a lot? When was the last time they made a new one, I feel like I haven’t heard it mentioned in ages, it’s a dead franchise isn’t it I’m old. Grand Theft Auto! That’s it. He doesn’t just not understand that danger is real, the way Impulse started out. People aren’t.

Impetus is easily bored and surrounded by NPCs. It gets ugly, sometimes.

He also time-travels a lot more frequently than normal Bart, because he doesn’t really get attached so he doesn’t try to maintain a normal life of any kind, so he pops up all over the timestream.

Jason Blood hated him personally long before Bart had any idea who he was; they have a villain rivalry plagued by causality issues and closed time loops that is alternately epic and stupid as fuck.

And then there’s Thad. Thad’s had a less awful time than he did in canon, I think–President Thawne is not technically a supervillain so he’s probably about the same as in the original timeline, but even assuming Meloni and Don are still out of the picture (probably it’s Barry’s fault in this dimension?) raising a kid as a ‘defense mechanism against a supervillain’ calls for less extreme brainwashing fuckery than raising one to hunt down a superhero.

So he probably behaved a bit more like a reasonable grandparent, simply because the context incentivized him to emphasize concepts like duty and loyalty more, and hatred less. He might even have been able to go public with Thad’s existence, depending on the spin he came up with. Among other factors.

But it was still a depressing, isolated, dehumanizing way to grow up, and it went on a long time, because as per canon Thad has the opposite problem from Bart in terms of how he passes through time. Motion is a 40-year-old man with a 12 year old’s body and approximate life experience.

Thad was already So Tired when he finally got out into the world on his own, and once he encountered Impetus he learned pretty quickly to both pity and fear him.

Even when Thad tries to avoid Bart and just have a life, Bart always crashes back into his existence again, and in the meantime he feels guilty. Because even if he could completely shake off having been raised to see countering Impetus as his whole reason for existence, he’d still feel a lot of personal responsibility to try, because he has the ability to stand up to him in a way almost no one else does, and he knows Bart’s out there resulting in casualties.

Due to all the time travel involved, even having just defeated Impetus doesn’t mean he’s not still out there at an accessible point in the timestream, needing to be stopped.

Impetus results in Motion the way Inertia resists Impulse. They’re very much locked into an action-and-reaction framework that does not even a little bit help with Thad’s clone identity issues.

Except for how the amount of time Thad spends saving people from Bart has slowly created a fairly large body of people over the course of history who know them as distinct entities, and like Thad a lot better. 

Good feels good. ^^ It’s not necessarily the case that this happens, obviously, but with their alignment swap they also ultimately exchanged who’s defined by isolation. It takes Bart a long, long time to even understand that he’s lonely.

Mismatched Making Preview 3

Last one ya’ll get for this chapter and LEMME FUCKIN TELL YOU I’M OVER HERE DYING AT HOW CUTE THESE KIDS ARE! WRITING FLUFFY MOMENTS BETWEEN THESE TWO IS SO FUCKING EASY I THINK I MIGHT JUST OVERDOSE ON ADORABLE OVER HERE BLESSSSSSS

***

“Wait, so let me see if I can get this all straight,” Pacifica interjected, holding her hands up. “So your great uncle actually has a twin brother who was trapped in another dimension for the past 30 years. And the whole time, your uncle was trying to bring that brother back by huge portal thing that was secretly under the Mystery Shack the entire time but no one knew about it?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Dipper nodded. 

“And the Gems factor into all this… how?”

“They sort of… don’t for a pretty long time. Like I said before, they lost their memories about all of this thanks to their leader, Rose, erasing them after they were all possessed by…” Dipper trailed off, his expression darkening at the mere thought of the dream demon. “Y-you know what? N-never mind that for right now.”

“Oh, thank goodness,” Pacifica sighed, relieved. “I feel like my brain’s about to burst from everything you’ve been telling me. Your life is like some crazy movie or huge story written by a psychopath or something. Seriously, how do you deal with all these massive bombshell shakeups all the time?”

“Eh, you learn to just deal with them as they come,” Dipper shrugged, hopping up onto a nearby log to take a seat. Pacifica joined him, glad for the much needed break from their ongoing hike, though even so, she watched in curious confusion as Dipper pulled a snack out of his bag that she was entirely unfamiliar with. 

“What’s that?” she asked, intrigued by the oddly shaped sandwich. 

“Oh, it’s peanut butter and jelly,” Dipper grinned, offering half to her. “Mabel packed it for me before we left and for some reason she cut it into a heart shape and said it was ‘for luck’, whatever that means. Anyway, you can have some if you’re hungry.”

Pacifica didn’t immediately accept his offer, instead looking over the half-heart sandwich with a furrowed brow of confusion. “You said this is a… peanut--who and… what, exactly?”

“What, you’ve never had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before?” Dipper asked with an incredulous chuckle before meeting the heiress’s dumbfounded expression once more. “Oh my gosh, you’re serious, aren’t you?”

“Is this some sort of… poor person snack?” Pacifica wondered, holding the sandwich up to get a better look at it. “N-not that being poor is a bad thing! Its just… I-I’m not really allowed to anything that hasn’t cost over at least $100 per tiny gourmet plate portion, so… yeah…”

“Are you kidding?” Dipper asked in apt disbelief. “Your parents don’t even let you eat what you want?”

“Heh, welcome to the super ‘glamorous’ world of a Northwest,” the heiress laughed somewhat bitterly.

“Well, here’s your official welcome into the super average world of a Pines,” Dipper countered, placing his half of the sandwich into her open hand with a playful grin. “And unlike most of your high class gourmet meals, this one’s completely free.”

Pacifica tried her best to suppress the sudden blush that filled her cheeks as she accepted his offering, though all the same, she was still a bit hesitant to try the sandwich for herself. Until, of course, she ventured her first bite of the sandwich. “Mm! This is sooo good!” she exclaimed, her eyes alight with newfound discovery. She disregarded all the proper manners she had been taught in favor of voicing her overwhelming excitement over such a simple treat. “The bread’s so soft and it’s all so creamy, but then there’s like… little nuts in it too? I love that!”

“That’s the power of chunky peanut butter,” Dipper chuckled, warmly amused by the heiress’s elation as she scarfed down another bite. 

“And this fruity taste? What is that?”

“Strawberry jam. So technically, it’s more of a peanut butter and jam sandwich, but eh same difference.”

“Whatever it is, it’s amazing!” Pacifica grinned as she finished off the other half. “And you just eat stuff like that all the time?!”

“Eh, maybe not all the time, but PB&J is a longtime favorite for me and Mabel for a reason,” Dipper said, still laughing, especially as he noticed the small smudge of jam marring the heiress’s cheek. “Oh, hey, you got a little something on your cheek there.”

“Huh?” Pacifica reached up, rubbing just shy of the jam that she missed it entirely. 

“Here, let me,” Dipper slipped his vest off, not really having anything else but the corner of it to wipe the heiress’ face clean. He stopped short as soon as he did however, suddenly caught off guard by exactly what he was doing, and exactly how close their faces happened to be as he did. In the briefest, most breathless of moments, he caught sight of her eyes, wide and wondering as they practically sparkled in the low light coming in through the trees above. Eyes that were staring at nothing else in the world at that moment... other than him. “I-I… s-sorry,” he quickly recanted, backing off as he hastily threw his vest back on and slipped off the log to stand. “W-we should probably get going.”

“O-oh…” Pacifica frowned somewhat, slowly, almost sadly returning to reality as she did the same. “Yeah, you’re right… Um… thanks, by the way, for the… what was it called again? Sandy Witch?”

“Sandwich,” Dipper corrected with a smirk. “And you’re welcome. I’ll be sure to bring you another one when we hang out again tomorrow.”

“T-tomorrow…” Pacifica repeated, her former smile returning in full force upon hearing this. “Yeah, tomorrow. I can hardly wait…”

a o t d !!!

no more than 1 release per artist to keep it interesting. selection and ranking is arbitrary and would prob be wildly different if i did this tomorrow. also i only went down to #42 cause everything after that didn’t feel like real aotd status - at least as far as the specific relationships i built over the past 10 yrs with the music i was listening to

#1 laurel halo quarantine

nobody did machine-body dialectic like laurel halo in 2012. i loved everything else from her this decade too but every time i listened to Carcass it made me leave my body physically. absolutely unreal album art too

https://laurelhalo.bandcamp.com/track/carcass-2

#2 e+e the light that you gave me to see you

2012 was a good year. pop/ambient/noise/radio-dj-tag sound collage ascended to spiritual intensity. makes you feel like a child experiencing awe. also fire-gut used to have probably my favorite music video ever but i think it’s gone now

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-p-SSuwW9cw

#3 ilovemakonnen 5

not to be confused with Drink More Water 5, this one’s from 2010 during his mostly-forgotten diy outsider-pop phase. off-key singing and amateur beats and the sheer absolute joy of making cool songs. all 5 are perfect

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORKpg_-z0Mk

#4 macintosh plus floral shoppe

would’ve made top 10 on album art alone. music, aesthetics, and cultural impact are inseparable here but going back to the album reminded me just how engaging its 2010s-updated chopped-and-screwed sound is, musically not just conceptually

https://vektroid.bandcamp.com/track/420

#5 jason lescalleet this is what i do 17

hard to pick a favorite from jason lescalleet’s semi-monthly document of his electroacoustic / field recording / tape loop practice but i’ve cried to multiple tracks on tiwid 17 so it gets the nod. couldn’t find any of them online so here’s something else of his

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t33x8OOm68E

#6 barrio sur बड़ा शोक (heart break)

dedekind cut guy’s weird one-off side project ended up being my favorite thing to come out of the last few years’ obsession w cowboy/western/country music/aesthetics. pure mystery

https://soundcloud.com/user-366783613/redemption-7inch

#7 cities aviv come to life

i think maybe people thought cities aviv was just another no-flow pseudo-”conscious rap” type rapper in 2014 but actually this album is nuts. hyper-energetic vaporwave rap? what if death grips were happy? idk

https://citiesaviv.bandcamp.com/track/url-irl-2

#8 beach boys the smile sessions

this cool fresh 1960s rock myth arrived fully formed and way more fun than the other ones. brian wilson’s concepts and songwriting got so unwieldy we had to wait 50 years to hear the sessions. i don’t care about conversations about his genius or whatever these songs kick ass

https://oldmasterpainter.bandcamp.com/track/surfs-up

#9 mindspring memories & intl. debris international memories

did this really only come out in 2017? i feel like i’ve been listening to it since i was born. tangential lateral kind of wormhole out of vaporwave into two meditative spiritual infinite-feeling loops that perfectly complement each other

https://noproblematapes.bandcamp.com/track/sad-horizons

#10 nyege nyege tapes sounds of sisso

absolutely obnoxiously insanely high energy high pitch high bpm dance music. i can’t believe this isn’t what people mean when they say future bass. set me down the path of historical and contemporary non-”global north” ideas about dance/rhythm/bass which i’m still on

https://nyegenyegetapes.bandcamp.com/track/mshamba-video-mster

#11 blithe field face always toward the sun

the most gorgeous implementation of the sorta-ambient guitar-looping vignette aesthetic. is this a real trope or did i listen to this album so much i convinced myself it was a thing? for me this is the sound of what its like to feel completely content with life and at ease in the moment

https://blithefield.bandcamp.com/track/zen-den

#12 anohni hopelessness

listening to this album and singing along while driving my car made me feel absolutely disgusting. unbelievable hooks, grossly hi fi sound design, and overblown drama add up to imo a scary effective type of explicitly political or ‘protest’ music

https://anohni.bandcamp.com/track/drone-bomb-me

#13 21 savage, offset, & metro boomin without warning

why is these 3 pop stars’ vaguely halloween-themed one-off collab my favorite trap album? 21 savage, offset, and metro boomin were all wildly corny in different ways but everything was perfectly balanced. i hope metro boomin makes like one seriously ambient album next decade

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWv-bR_X-VM&list=PLC1uUM4twa8i6zsD_Sn1LRUq4vhl_PLCx&index=11&t=0s

#14 laura les big summer jams 2018

‘crying in the club’ type bangers with no fear of ugliness and no fear of beauty and no fear of wildly unfashionable tropes like skrillex-y dubstep and guitar solos. so much input from other trans/queer artists it felt like a big t4t party

https://osno1.bandcamp.com/track/the-river-feat-scum-yung-skrrt-and-99jakes

#15 triad god nxb

the other triad god tape from 7 years later is just as good. what was this man doing in the intervening time? i just imagine him riding london public transit while it rains or something. i love knowing that most of his cantonese spoken-word/rap parts are insults and jokes rather than like, melancholy observations

https://soundcloud.com/hipposintanks/triad-god-remand

#16 dj koze knock knock

what if pop music sounded like this? somehow every song on here is wildly danceable, wildly sing-alongable, and also wildly detail-oriented. feels like a transmission from an alternate present where things are okay

https://djkoze.bandcamp.com/track/club-der-ewigkeiten

#17  ocora world of traditional music

box set of “world music” recordings from the label that french electronic composer pierre schaeffer started in the 1950s as a project to teach people in rural west africa how to dj. ethnography can be a fucked up idea but afaik ocora is one of the good ones and if you can sorta try to disengage from the tropes/cliches that get imposed on it, the music is phenomenal. hard to find a track specific to this box set but here’s another from the label

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJm8rn6gW5I

#18 oneohtrix point never replica

opn feels like an artist i’ve ‘grown out of’ i guess but samples never felt more alive or more dead than they did on replica. set a template for the kind of melancholy ‘soundscape’-y vibe that i spent years trying to find more of after

https://oneohtrixpointnever1.bandcamp.com/track/power-of-persuasion

#19 rihanna anti

the most perfect imaginable pop album. i keep trying to move it higher up. i almost put club chai vol 1 on this list purely cause of the Woo remix but then i remembered the original is better

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dDCUKElEwk

#20 colleen a flame my love a frequency

colleen’s ultra deadpan singing and wriggly rhythmic synth put me in a trance. everything sounded dry as hell even though it was covered in reverb. i think maybe some people were put off by the corny song names and lyrics

https://colleencolleen.bandcamp.com/track/separating

#21 dj paypal drake edits

back when drake seemed like a sorta-shitty dude rather than seriously creepy, dj paypal used the power of footwork to expose both the melancholy-ambient modality and the serious-bass-music modality latent in his voice and beats

https://mallmusicinc.com/track/brand-new

#22 huerco s. for those of you who have never (and also those who have)

not really as ambient as it first seems imo, but rather like a really intense focus on what we mean when we describe things as ‘static’ or ‘dynamic’. i know it’s corny but i wanna say these tracks are fully both and fully neither

https://brianleeds.bandcamp.com/track/promises-of-fertility

#23 girls rituals reddishness

for a track so deliberately shitty-sounding I Know had no right to be so fucking danceable. persona and production synthesized into the only ‘singer-songwriter’ music i could really get into

https://temporaryenjoyment.bandcamp.com/track/i-know

#24 chromatics kill for love

fakeass 80s retro melancholia digitized and pushed so far past pastiche it turned into pure slime. the phone call in There’s A Light Out On The Horizon came straight from the void

https://soundcloud.com/johnnyjewel/chromatics-kill-for-love-album

#25 actress ghettoville

the only genuinely post-apocalyptic music. specifically the postapocalypse in wall-e but if there was no wall-e to clean it up

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcCPdfUFq6k

#26 playboi carti die lit

every beat on this album was reducible to a 4-second loop that perpetually demanded its own repetition and playboi carti somehow knew exactly what to do with them

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2pjiKmhlAI

#27 charli xcx vroom vroom

the charli xcx that came after this was fun, but there was black hole levels of power compacted into when she said vroom vroom on Vroom Vroom

https://soundcloud.com/vroomvroomrecordings/charli-xcx-vroom-vroom

#28 pacific breeze: japanese city pop, aor & boogie 1976-1986

it’s kind of amazing to think that this compilation only exists because vaporwave aesthetics made ‘japanese grocery-store kitsch from the 80s’ a marketable thing in the us. anyway every single one of these is an absolute bop

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jl91bvEKj20

#29 young thug barter 6

i can’t get enough of listening to young thug’s voice. i’ve seen his rhythmic-melodic-textural sensibility described as virtuosic and i don’t know really if that term means anything but it feels right to me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg9ZxQKSDuw

#30 magic eye babylon

smeared dreamy lo-fi guitar music w wistful buried melodies pushed to an extreme. every song sounded the same and i wish there was more than the one cassette

https://magiceye.bandcamp.com/track/flame

#31 tirzah devotion

you could say this was ‘stripped down’ r&b but i think more accurately what separated it was that every sound stood exactly and only for itself

https://tirzah.bandcamp.com/track/basic-need

#32 mount eerie clear moon

it’s amazing how well mount eerie navigated the move from a lo-fi sound/mode/affect to a hi-fi sound/mode/affect. clear moon wasn’t his first attempt but it was the one that most embodied the feeling of the new possilibities that had been opened up

https://pwelverumandsun.bandcamp.com/track/through-the-trees-pt-2

#33 kelela aquaphoria

this mix was such a good idea it immediately seemed shocking nobody else had tried afaik. and kelela executed it so well you forgot the tracks already existed in other contexts

https://soundcloud.com/kelelam/aquaphoria

#34 james ferraro skid row

not sure what it means that the only james ferraro i really love is also the one i think of as the least abstract/conceptual. his recited lyrics had a rare spoken-word-poetic power

https://breakworldrecords.bandcamp.com/track/to-live-and-die-in-la

#35 salyu x salyu s(o)un(d)beams

absolutely unbounded sense of joy and creativity and possibility hovering between bangers-lite and ‘soundscape’-y electronic manipulation

https://soundcloud.com/snouu/salyu-x-salyu-s-o-un-d-beams

#36 dj rashad just a taste vol 1

double cup got all the press but it was so smoothed-over it could never have done something as absurdly beautiful as Ghost or even Go Crazy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZuHPAbte9U

#37 yves tumor serpent music

i’m sorta put off by the high-gloss sheen of music like this but serpent music somehow had the right combination of total cohesion and a ridiculous density of impactful moments

https://soundcloud.com/pan_hq/yves-tumor-the-feeling-when-you-walk-away-pan-73?in=pan_hq/sets/yves-tumor-serpent-music-pan

#38 maral mahur club

lo-fi beat collage elevated to something that could actually genuinely be called world music

https://astralplanerecordings.bandcamp.com/track/avesta-khani-reggaeton

#39 lucki ecks watch my back

did not expect this super low-stakes sadboy trap to end up on this list but i love his min-effort flow and somehow every beat is exactly the vibe even when the tracks aren’t volume balanced

https://soundcloud.com/boob7/leave-wit-you-prod-plu2o-nash-clams-casino?in=boob7/sets/watch-my-back

#40 arca stretch 2

not sure why i get more out of arca’s nonsense broken-beat non-rap than any of her later projects

https://unonyc.bandcamp.com/track/tapped-in

#41 klein only

a new way to do fucked up noise w pop leanings. ‘audacitycore’

https://klein1997.bandcamp.com/track/pretty-black-2

#42 city arcadia

another mysterious transmission, this time w lots of harp

https://soundcloud.com/halcyon-veil/city-arcadia

Day 6 - The Drive Home

Today was the last day of tour. I wake up in the morning feeling guilty because I have a groggy memory of waking up around 8 to go to the bathroom, Paul was waiting to go, but when the person came out I just fronted him (a word I just now remember from elementary school, cut in line, but southern), used the bathroom and went back to bed. Rude. I am wiping the cold from my eye, taking in the undecorated walls of the apartment, and Jeremy comes from down the hall and says ‘Did you get the memo? Louisville cancelled. Tour’s over.” I said ‘fuck’ and processed it. I feel sad for Jeremy and John and Kabir because I know they wanted to play this last show in Kentucky. It’s not that I didn’t, but also for the last three months and for especially the last month I have been feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety about this tour, about feeling out-of-control, about being away from loved ones at home, about being available to show up for people in my life, about completing regular routines of hygiene and spirituality and task completion that make me feel boring and comfortable, both. Touring stirs up dredges of the tea leaves that I had let settle into a fine filmy sediment at the bottom of me. I manufactured a jello mold two years ago and poured myself into it: regular 9-5 in the legal field as a means and precursor to law school, then diligent study for 3 years, then a professional career, abandoning the party life, abandoning trespassing in abandoned buildings, abondoning the luxury of resentment and unproductive time, trying to cool and firm into something reliable, serviceable, dependable, available, a resource people could draw from for once, rather than a leech or slug. And when I go on tour I take that jello mold out of the fridge and it holds its shape but also it warms and the longer I’m out the more liquidy it gets and sloshes over the sides and so forth. So I’m ambivalent because I like what I have to offer to this band, I like the physical process of drumming and expressing myself in the context of music and being a member of a band, but also I feel like I’ve kind of chilled enough and it’s time to settle down. And I’m at a way different point in my life than the other guys in the band it seems like, for the most part. So anyways all this to contextualize the fact that the news of tour ending even earlier than early honestly makes me feel relieved, if not happy, and so then I work to temper that boosted mood for the sake of grim decorum befitting a tour taken before its time. 

All our stuff is locked in the venue from last night and we learn we won’t be able to pick it up until 1pm and so we have about 4 hours to kill in the apartment. Phillip puts on a pot of coffee that will turn out to be some of the wateriest on record, but still, a super kind gesture, and then he also puts on The Wire on HBO Go and we just settle in on the couch and watch for awhile. Some of the scenes are familiar, there’s something seductive about this show, and it brings me back to the precise moment of Summer of 2013 right before I moved to Philadelphia right after I got evicted from the squat/music venue I had been living in that winter and spring, I watched all episodes of The Wire on DVD on Matt Martin’s couch at 3 Pomroy and felt deeply depressed. It ranks up there with when I watched all released episodes of The Office in bed in the winter of 2009 after my girlfriend broke up with me, in terms of memorably devestating life phases offset by the amniotic fluid of full-series of TV. So we watch The Wire and I find myself not too inclined to sit and watch and I want to write so I sit at my laptop on the table nearby and write an email to a female (sorry) but I actually do and its purpose is to make her smile and bring some levity and play and purple prose to a moment in her life that, from how she tells it to me, is just so heavy, nightmares and waking horror and a future that feels like it hangs by a thread. so I’m glad to spend time showing up for her in this small way rather than watching The Wire, and also I write yesterday’s blog post, another activity that feels sort of like a pittance but also like: doing-writing is something I have been putting off, in phases and seasons, for my entire adult life, because to me nothing ever matters enough to write about, or if it does my perspective is deficient, or my research inadequate, or my skill incommensurate with the subject matter, or it won’t properly reflect my feelings, or any number of self-sabotaging excuses to not do this thing I so love doing, and love sharing. So for me, writing this blog is a very meaningful and special act of reclamation of a personal mode of expression that constitutes a break in my winter’s depression and what feels like a new phase of happiness, of believing-i-have-a-future, of feeling more authoratative and qualified to know and describe my own experience in a lifetime marred and dampened by dissociation, oblivion, amnesia, and fugue. So it feels like nourishment to get some paragraphs done and to move slow through my days, get them onto the page.

The Wire grows tiresome at some point and Jeremy fires up the PS4 and then the PS3 looking for games but none are multiplayer and so eventually he settles on Skyrim and starts from a new file. Me personally I love watching let’s plays and this is as good as TV. There was a moment last tour when we were in this strange small town in Connecticut called Torrington (the town all touring bands are required to go to, we also joked), in this town Jeremy was describing the sort of surrealness he experienced there and he said he felt like the townspeople in Torrington were like NPCs in a FPS RPG like Skyrim wherein you would go up to people and press A to talk, say ‘What news?” and that I thought was really funny then, I like his sense of humor. Really Kabir and Jeremy and Royal represent this sort of humor that is to me equal parts razor wit, cleverness, timing, accents, absurdity, and broad conceptual placticity, all for the most part very clean too, never or at least rarely blue (you’re gonna inevitably make a D’s nuts joke and that’s just that). And during happy times I am so grateful to be nearby this humor and during less happy times I get self conscious about how great their humor is and how I sometimes feel like I don’t measure up. But that feeling doesn’t weigh for long. Skyrim is fun to watch, it kills some time, we all take turns trying to kill wolves with swords before Jeremy finally does it, there’s a dragon, we loot corpses, discuss Bloodborne and Dark Souls and comparable games. A lot of the main media activity in this group is discussing how a given media relates to another media, Kabir and Jeremy and John know it seems like everything between the three of them when it comes to record labels, band narratives, artist’s hometowns, etc. So we play Skyrim for awhile, and then eventually it’s time to go to the venue and we drive back to The Salty Nut, load in all our gear, do a final sweep, and say our goodbyes and thankyous to Phillip. We return to the Bandido place one last time for one last round of free local Taco Bell which we absolutely scarf and are very vocally grateful to the people for giving it to us for free again, it’s clear they really put effort into being hospitable to touring bands here, at least through Phillip. His band, Thomas Function, was signed on Fat Possum Records, which also had bigger indie acts like Jay Reatard (who Phillip tells a story about him demanding $50,000 in cash for a show fee to feed his coke and heroin habit, Reatard died at age 29 from cocaine toxicity with alcohol also), The Black Keys, Andrew Bird, Wavves and Soccer Mommy, but which Kabir postulates has most of its success due to having signed octogenarian southern blues legends like R.L. Burnside and King Ernest and raking in royalties from what Kabir speculates is due to poor management of the estates of these dead leagends who each had more than a dozen children. It’s truly fascinating for me to hear how deep and complex the analysis of music these guys have is. When I feel insecure, which is often, I tend to veneer these sorts of expertises and shibboleths among music-heads as snobby, elitist, exclusionary, petty and asinine. But I think most of that comes from a fear that I lack the insight, cognitive absorbency, and passionate research skills to collate and catalog data about artists in the way these people do, the way my bandmates do. I feel inspired to take time to dig deeper into the musicans I love, to make them real to me, to get a sense of their story, their lived experience, for the sake of corroding the mediation between us somewhat, or at least polishing the media membrane. 

I volunteer to drive for the first half of what will end up being about a 10-hour drive back from Huntsville to Chapel Hill. We go to a Whole Foods in Huntsville upon Kabir’s insistence where I purchase a nootropic snakeoil energy affair in beverage form, Kabir gets hot coffee and a La Colombe Draft can of latte, Jeremy gets a kombucha made from yerba mate (“best of both worlds” he says), John black coffee as per, and Kabir also buys a slice of Tres Leches cake in a clear plastic to-go clamshell: “they can take away my tour, but they can’t take away my tres leches.” Later he’s eating it in the van and he accidentally spills some on himself and he says “shit…spilled some on myself. oh good, it was only one leche” which to me is so funny and perfect humor and just like kind of a paragon of the kind of joke I so treasure from this friend group. Another is when Jeremy and Kabir are recalling a favorite running joke from two tours ago, wherein they were in Philly, home to the famous Schuykill River (pronounced skoo-kill, at least when i lived there, at least around the non-indigenous people i knew), and while there they would affect this blaring Brooklyn accent, deployed heavily on this trip as well for basically any purpose, but back then they would say “UGH MY SKOYKL IS KILLING ME” like Schuykill was lombago or sciatica and also would say “YEAH LET ME GET A KWATA POUND OF SKOYKL ON RYE” like it was a deli meat, and they laughed and laughed. Also they liked doing rhyming jokes like last night there was a chair nearby the combo amp Tired Frontier was going to use for their set and Kabir goes ‘amp on the chair, tone everywhere’ and then I say ‘amp on the ground, makes a bad sound’ and then I tell Jeremy later how Kabir would put me in good spirits whenever I was describing to someone how my LSAT score is very competitive but my checkered past makes the acceptance process a little less than straightforward, and Kabir would see I was getting kinda down and anxious, and he would say ‘You gotta break the law before you make the law,’ and we all laugh and I love that, the function of humor as balm, salve. I want to wield my humor like that.

The drive back is fine, some sprinkles, nothing major, clear traffic for the most part, I feel like I have a good command of the van, keep it around 75 for most of the trip, feel smoth and confident switching lanes, passing, etc. We do another two NYT Wednesday classic crosswords together, Kabir is getting probably 40% of the clues, me maybe 30% Jeremy and John the other 30%, Kabir will just to YEAHHHHHHHH after getting a clue and I start doing that too after Jeremy says “X down, ‘on the table’ 15 letters,” and I say UPFORDISCUSSION after only a couple seconds and it fits and is correct and I feel like a damn genius and we’re all laughing and kind of praising each other half-jokingly for being strong beautiful geniuses who also we know songs. This is a great passtime and the drive flies by and before I know it we’re in Western NC just outside of Asheville and we make a stop to refuel the tank and get dinner. We decide on a Waffle House across the street, not wanting to venture too deep into Asheville for something healthier and better because of the time and money it would likely eat up, Kabir says that FEMA uses the closing of Waffle Houses as a bellweather to indicate the severity of a given natural disaster. We go inside, the waitress says ‘ya’ll aren’t from around here are you?’ in a way that I take to be hostile and I suggest that to the guys and they seem like maybe slightly offput but not very much and we decide not to abort and I later feel foolish because I think I am doing this thing where I become excessively vigilant or sensitive to a perceived slight to a friend who is brown for the putative purpose of interceding on their behalf against racism but what’s actually happening is if someone was racist to them they could just stand up for themselves and make their own call regarding their own comfort or lack thereof and I would do better to act less motivated by white guilt when avoidable. That passes, it’s fine, we eat hash browns and waffles and eggs and grits and toast and cover everything in tobasco and tip well and get back on the road, John takes over for the final stretch. 

I return a call from Marty and catch him up about tour being cancelled and we discuss our fears and hysteria and cancellations and reaction and so forth. Marty remarks that he is a gravedigger during the plague, which is the best possible job to have. It’s not a joke because he actually drives a backhoe working for a cemetary and digs actual graves, super weird and eminently punk/goth and kind of a curiosity but really perfect for the lead singer of one of the South’s premiere punk bands, especially after his being fired from the swish cafe he worked at in Richmond before that. I love Marty and catching up and it feels good to hear his voice. After I get off the phone it sort of becomes campfire spooky story time in the van with everyone proffering their take on the panic, market failure, the likelihood of Capitalism as a superstructure to require perpetual growth even at the peril or death of its working class, the superior response to covid that South Korea and Norway seem to have mounted, a lot of fear of financial insecurity. Eventually this digresses to talk of touring, and the guys discuss all manner of various routes throught the South, Midwest, Northeast, plains states, PNW, Mexico City, Jeremy says ‘I can get us a show in Colombia’ which he can, Argentina or Venezuela through a mutual friend, then Europe so long as the label foots the bill for the plane ticket, then Japan, setting up camp on Honshu would make it easy to hit TOkyo, Kyoto, Osaka and Nagoya no problem, except where exactly are people playing shows? there’s gotta be somewhere all these Japanese Noise and Hardcore bands are getting gigs, and then from there of course it’s not hard to get to Australia, John knows a band there, and they go all around the world and this is stressing me out a little bit, only because I wonder about how much they think I would be involved or want to go on such a theoretical tour, and the answer is I don’t 100% know. Part of me wants to say this is my last tour, lean all the way in to law school and leave behind this chapter. Part of me feels like it’s better not to make a hard and fast statement like that because what if the economy collapses and for some reason school is a no-go but being in the band becomes the most plausible source of income or something. I get anxious and psych myself out and quiet down and feel foolish and wish to be home. I fantasize about my future life of stability, but I second guess myself because I just don’t know for sure how my life will be, and want to be careful to work toward the goals I think will be the most fulfilling, self-actualizing, spiritually nourishing, healthy for me; I also want to not forsake the friendships and bonds I’ve forged in these weird intimate moments in the van with the guys. I have the wherewithal to know that nobody is requiring me to make a decision right this second, and that as time passes it’s likely that the best course of action will be revealed one way or another if I can keep from panicking. So I watch videos of the 2019 Classic Tetris World Championships on my phone, eat two candy bars, watch videos of a streamer named Wumbotize play the latest Tetris game, Tetris Effect (2018, PS4, PC), and am pleasantly awed by how crazily far the skill curve of that game has shot up. I have some time ahead of me that is completely free, which is so nice. Before I know it I’m back home in my clean apartment which is tidy like a tetris field at the beginning of a new game and I get into my bed and lay down flat and if my bed is the well than the line of me clears and the well is clean, smooth, primed, for whatever falls tomorrow. 

Your Moment of Zen: The Gourmet Academy’s Semi-Quotable 2020 Quotedown Quotetacular

The following blog entry are intended only for mature audiences. Reader discretion is strongly advised. Although it goes without saying about three quotes in, this is neither an incendiary nor defamatory tribute to the year past, although if someone were to put together such a “tribute”, I’d completely understand. Thank you. And enjoy the show. Because you helped make it.  Ladies and gentlemen and non-binary conforming life forms across seven star systems... the Gourmet Academy’s World Famous Get Down Like a Hound Party ‘til You Puke Semi-Quotable 2020 Quotedown Quotetacular begins in five... ... four... ... three... ... two... NOW. === “This video is dedicated to touching.” -Harry Styles “Welcome to America's last public gathering.” -Jenna Riedi, the host of Geek Bowl XIV “Daniel’s New Year’s Resolutions 1) say something so brilliant, so irrefutably mind-bogglingly wowful that it makes the Quote Wall 2) organize the basement.” -Daniel “Didn’t you used to be Bill Simmons?” -Greg channeling Justin Lollie “Something new? Shouldn’t be trying it but I’m d-e-d today.” -Carl “This could devolve into something amazing.” -Jeremy “Good feeling: a Patriots loss. Better feeling: a Patriots loss in the playoffs. Best feeling: a Patriots loss in the playoffs in Foxboro.” -Travis “You are the master of the swerve.” -Klaussie “There once was a man from Nantucket.” -Ethan “Neighbor and I both have our windows open, and I refuse to do one more thing tonight until I figure out which episode of “Cheers” she’s watching.” -Adam Nedeff “Is there anyway we can CGI Matt Lauer out and replace him with Christopher Plummer?” -Greg on Matt Lauer on SNL “What’s the favorite network of the 2017 Houston Astros? BUZZR!” -Klauss “Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, Lost her virginity to Tom Jones.” -Sara “That’s not unusual.” -Megan “Oh look, goats! (Whiff) Oh god, goats.” -Q “The Whiteface on the Joker poster is a pretty good representation on the Academy Award nominees this year.” -Gordon “If you spend your life with a paper bag over your head, do you also need to wear a mask?” -Kevin, on the Unknown Comic "He Gay - He Christmas in Macy's Window Gay" - Mercedeze - The Circle. “Spock is gonna slap your ass.” -Greg on Zach Quinto in “The Slap” “Smeargle!” -C “I’m at the Battle of Atlanta, usually I’M the one on fire.” -Greg as Time Traveling Rip Taylor “Sexual Game Show Chocolate.” -Cyndi’s nickname for Chico “He has exact change! What was I supposed to say.. No?!” -Q “WLTI has been brought to by the Tom Brady Laundry Service - when you need stuff to be washed and blown....you know where to go.” -JB “It’s like shitting in my hand and clapping.” -Q “Let’s do that GOAT.” -C “Does Q know you’re into bestiality?” -Chris • the subject: Jeopardy! The Greatest of All Time “In 2020 I’d like to set more things on fire.” -Megan “Tonight, William Shakespeare, Henry VIII, the sun god Ra, Archimedes, Rip Taylor, and Rudolph Valentino on the Loooooooove TARDIS.” -Greg as Ernie Anderson (hat tips to Mike & Chico). “Christmas Day: Email notifying me I don't need to come to the courthouse on Monday. Monday: Phone message notifying me not to come to the courthouse on Tuesday. Tuesday: Phone message notifying me not to come to the courthouse on Wednesday. Wednesday: Phone message notifying me not to come to the courthouse, period, because my week of service includes two holidays. For anyone who's never been called in for jury duty during a pandemic, I highly recommend the experience.” -Adam “This version of 2020 has a virus in it. Can I get it reinstalled?” -Catherine “Take care of y’all chicken.” -Marshawn Lynch“ No link, because (EXPLETIVE DELETED) that (EXPLETIVE DELETED).” -Joe “There’s the Wendy’s.” -C “Where where where where where?” -Q “There there there there there.” -C “The Houston Astros scandal has spilled into the world of game shows...evidence has surfaced that “Jeopardy!” contestants had wired buzzers at their podiums.” -Adam Nedeff “ "Having an English Accent in America is like having a 12" dick” -David, a contestant on Too Hot To Handle. “We are all Disney... and Disney is all of us.” -Kevin “Here comes this Donny Osmond-looking motherfucker.” -C “The coronavirus is the least dirty thing I’ve had in my hand. There’s not enough hand sanitizer in the world. That’s why I drink vodka.” -Michael "That bird just straight up moonwalked and died!" -Neumann “You think Jimmy Kimmel would buy the Walgreens brand?” -Q “I don’t make Jimmy Kimmel money!” -C “President Trump sent me a letter. I respond with fire.” -Kyle “Sense AND Sensibility? In this economy?!” -Liz “He committed the ultimate sin. He insulted the WWE in his promotion!” -Cyndi “Today was draggin’. It was very draggy. It was an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. It was so draggin’ that Wink Martindale encourages me to avoid it. I was watching Dragon Ball Z in the cockpit of the Dragonzord while playing Double Dragon with Don “The Dragon” Wilson and listening to Sisqo’s Unleash The Dragon. Somebody better call Emilia Clarke, because, uh.... dragon .... joke.” -C “Name a people that animals breed.” -Bressler “Put your Facebook balls away, Karen. It’s unbecoming.” -Cindy “Pizza is yes.” -Drago, Animal Crossing New Horizons “Prahstitute.” -Klauss • the password was “hookah” “It was a one-eyed one-horned flying purple Power Ranger.” -Gordon “I'm gonna start painting people yellow and send their asses to Springfield because I'm seeing a LOT of Simps, SON!” -Katie “Bill Belichick took the box on the display floor and got a couple of plush dolphins...would’ve had a new car behind curtain #2.” -Carl “Twenty-one seasons of winners and not one of those faces looked like mine. So when I walked through those doors, I had that desire, that determination to be that very first face to give hope to those behind me who have the desire to come in here and play this game. Not seeing a face that looks like mine is very discouraging, it’s hurtful and it does make me feel like maybe it’s impossible. But I’m wrong about that because it’s definitively possible. We can do it. It just hasn’t been done yet… I want to acknowledge every African American who has walked through those doors with the same desire to be that face that I have. I see you, I salute you and I appreciate you. You came in here, you knew the odds were against you, you knew it was going to be an uphill battle and you still fought and you fought like hell. For that, I love you, I admire you and I acknowledge you all today.” -Da’vonne, Big Brother “Waldo should find himself. I don’t have that kind of time.” -@FunnyOrDie “What we wanted was Cam Newton. What we got was Wayne Newton.” -Gordon, right before everyone broke out into “Danke Schön” “You can go ahead and put "Nuh-uh! Don't eat Jesus, you monster!" on the list of things I didn't think I'd have to yell today.” -Wingo “Not only is he a chicken magnate, he’s also a chick... magnet. Amirite?” -Klauss“ Please excuse me if I don't participate in the Dolly Parton Challenge, but I'd rather my wife didn't know that I have a Tinder account.” -Prof. O “The table has had enough of your shit.” -Brian “If you work hard enough I’m sure someday you’ll reach the top of the intelligence bell curve.” -Jess’ insult “Any squirrel can find a nut once. Let’s see you do it again.” -Q “This is the kind of chaotic horniness I’m here for.” -Megan “Behold the power of the fat guy touchdown.” -Cyndi “It’s the kind of peppermint candy that can give me natural 20s.” -Jenni “The wonders.... of weed.” -Mary “Metallic testicles.” -Jimmy Kimmel “Well, it's 65° again today. I ran 3.5 miles yesterday so I chose to walk 4 today. If next year it is not 65° on this day in February, I'm quitting Ohio.” -Wingo “I see the Incelabteilung spent a productive weekend.” -Rick Wilson “You know why the RTF head writer is now hosting? Because he's now eligible to join the Actors Guild, which means he'll have potential work when 1. RTF goes down in flames, 2. The WGA agreement goes down in flames. 3.A combination of 1. 2. and RTF keeps trying to convince us that King Kong should be worth 1,250 points per ticket.” -Gordon “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” -Jessica “Of course any team could have had 14 players test positive for COVID three games into the season, but the fact that it’s an entire roster of Florida Man is just so obvious.” -Arianna “Anna Roisman is very much in love with her butt.” -C Phleb: Are you following me? Q: As if you’re cool enough to have a stalker. As IF you’re cool enough for that stalker to be me. “I’ve seen enough.” -JD “Okay Dave Wasserman.” -C -subject: NLCS “Curse your sudden but inevitable colonization!” -Blue from episode 2 of the Overly Sarcastic Podcast “I haven't watched the Super Bowl halftime show, but from the online conversation today it is clear that people do not know just how many layers of costumage it takes to look "naked" onstage. #Showbiz” -Shannon “Adolf Titler and Areola Braun.” -Kim “I don't follow sports at all, but "And then Florida screwed it up for everyone" is the least surprising thing I could have seen in the news.” -Adam “If you think 2020 has been wild so far, wait until the dragons are released in the finale!” -Bruce Q: “I need a lighter.” Clerk: “Which one?” Q: “I don’t care. As long as it produces fire.” “Today we say a not fond farewell to Adobe Flash....we will NOT miss you very much." -Carl “It’s ridicarus. It’s so ridiculous, it flies in the face of normality until it melts on the wings of its own ridiculousness.” -C “I’d like to be proven wrong 99 times out of 100,000.” -Cyndi “The wenches of Watson.” -G’s nickname for the Chasers “Paula Deen. I don’t give a toss about the woman’s politics. But there’s one thing that we both agree on. MORE BUTTER!” -Q “Do you think you could be my Korean food mule?” -Jenni, to Chico re: Korean restaurants  “This is what I told you about Travis. You’ve got to stop eating buffalo wings before you go to bed this is going to keep happening!” -Brian “The NFL Draft Takes way too long. If I wanted to watch 32 picks in 3 hours, I’d watch Jameis Winston play.” -TyFo “I think I’d win this easily.” -Greg, on “Too Hot To Handle.” “Hit me daddy, I’ve been bad.” -Q “I haven’t been bad, but hit me anyway.” -C “I hope a million Dodger babies are made tonight and their mamas name them all MOOKIE.” -Arianna “That’s tackier than a Louis Vuitton purse from downtown LA.” -Kimberly “Defense wins championships, but offense sells soap.” -Nikki “It’s like there’s nothing good on Netflix anymore.” -Alex Alvarez (Marcel Ruiz) on the Pop premiere of One Day at a Time “Let’s see what this bitch can do.” -C

“Man we have now been quarantined for 60 full days. Stuck inside with nothing but our families and our devices, filled with fear and anxiety. And we still don’t want to watch Quibi.” - Mike Shields (@digitalshields) “I love Peanut Butter. I love Africa.” - Bill Walton "So in the last 3 days Tom Brady has violated social distancing guidelines and broken into somebody's house. The media laughs it off. It pays to be white." - Barry McCockiner “BREAKING: I have decided to follow @James_Holzhauer on Twitter, since he’s been following me on Jeopardy all week.” - Ken Jennings “I was debating who had a worse night in Vegas — Mike Bloomberg or Deontay Wilder. I thought it was Wilder but it wasn’t. He didn’t have to show up a week later and get his ass kicked all over again. #DemDebate2020” - Jelani Cobb “What in the name of God’s ass is on Linda Dano’s head?” - Quisla “My 13 year-old self with my hero in Nov '83, Boston, MA. According to local legend Mr. (Tom) Baker toured the  sites at Lexington, and then Concord, site of the “shot heard round the world;" he strode up to the first American he saw and said “Sorry about all that you know!”” - @petervintonjr​ “At long last, our 4-year national nightmare is over & @SteveKornacki can finally get some sleep.” - Mark Hamill “I think I just saw The Greatest American Hero be a complete and utter perv.” - Chico “Not gonna lie. I kinda wished they'd filmed the Chicago production of Hamilton so I could see Wayne Brady kill Lin-Manuel instead of Leslie.” - @RealLordDalek “Thanks Jon, when we come back Denise is gonna go for $30,000 and I want to find out, really, if you take half of my ass and you put it on my bald head, if it’s going to create new hair. We’ll find out about that after this. ……. more after this.” - Mike Francesa’s evil Earth 47 Half Brother Louie Francesa played by Klaussie before the MG-HSH Super Match “Rebooting The Santa Clause where instead of Tim Allen killing Santa Claus and becoming Santa Claus, Santa Claus kills Tim Allen and becomes Tim Allen” - Bridger Winegar “Ted Cruz is in another Twitter war with Mark Cuban. As a coach I was always looking for mismatches. If I could ever find a mismatch as great as Cuban over Cruz the game would be easy.” - Stan Van Gundy “Just turned on the XFL.Kicker missed a field goal and they immediately interviewed him on the sideline asking what happened haha. That’s tough.” - JJ Watt “Jeffrey Toobin gave a whole new meaning to the word “laptop.” - Gerard Mulligan “No matter how gloom things things get, there's always the future, even the United States of America used to have a future. They tried to us Americans the sky’s the limit, so we destroyed the sky. Where’s your limit now? Oh! burning with toxic poison? Suck that limit!” - Xavier: Renegade Angel “Everything good espn ever did was copied from the George Michael Sports Machine.” - @[email protected] “How is the @WWE not calling this #Wrestlemania36 In Your House?!?!” - Marty DeRosa “When people complain about "cancel culture," they very often mean: I want to live in a world in which there are abundant social and economic rewards for saying and doing certain (but not all!) controversial things, and no social and economic penalties for those same things.” - David Frum “Herb Abrams left this world doing what he loved. Cocaine and hookers." - Brian Blair “Rats.. and I was looking forward to the empty arena NBA Team Challenge Series.” - Lollie “Wow breaking: Jay Glazer is reporting that cleatus the FOX NFL robot has been arressted for double murder outside a Houston strip club. Details to come” - PFTCommenter “Michael Moore is the Michael Avenatti of Anthony Scaramuccis.” - @blackbeltbirder “Will you accept this ass?” -Jason “The Bears are two tight ends away from a firefighter calendar.” -Cyndi “Come on, Quis. Plating is 5 points.” -C “They say you should spend three months income on your wife’s engagement ring. I spent June July and August from the summer that I turned 13… But in my defense it was a wet summer and I mowed a lotta grass, that should count for something.” -Brian (ladies....) “You can’t fuck with Ed Lover.” -Greg “You thought that it was bad now? Wait 25 years. Today's children are tomorrow's leaders; and they will have been have been homeschooled by day drinkers. Let that sink in.” -Q “Doo wah didn’t didn’t, dumb didn’t do.” -Ian “So we were talking about why cereal was invented.” -C “Y’all stop showing me The Needle. I have a visceral reaction to The Needle.” -Anne “Five dollars on a Daily Double? What are you doing, buying a sandwich?” -Q “Sometimes I wonder... what made you think that style of facial hair works for you?” -Mary Jane “Everyone’s a critic.” -C after someone closed the blood bank door after blowing his nose “You raise your kids, you will spoil your grandchildren. You spoil your kids, you will raise your grandchildren.” -Nikki “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” -Joe’s son “Ctrl-F, am I right?” -Klauss “Mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm...” -Kim “I’ve been around enough mothers to know what THAT means.” -C “This is now the 5th straight night I've heard one man complain about another man's holes and balls. No one needs sloppy disorganized holes or balls. #pause.” -Gordon “You know... We grew up watching Kamen Rider & Super Sentai wanting to be masked heroes. Pretty sure this isn’t what I had in mind.” -D “Some of y’all have not been chased around the house by your sibling with a knife and it shows.” -Jenna “At least it wasn't real maple syrup. Based on the bottle and consistency it appears to be maple-flavoured sugar liquid spread.” -Dane, on Gritty drinking breakfast syrup “And who decides Lacey Chabert should be the voice of love? She was hardly the voice of Meg Griffin!” -C “That is one UGLY ASS FISH!” -Cat "CBD infused deep dish pizza now available at White Sox games." -Carl “Gordon Pepper You're a psychotic Macaulay Culkin? I fear and respect you.” -Dom “Now I don’t even have to leave my home to not watch a movie.” -Kevin, on HBOMax “Fuck your widgets.” -Klauss “I told Galileo to stop working on his telescope. He’s not fooling anyone!” -Greg as Time Traveling Rip Taylor “Chris Wallace failed so badly that Mike Wallace also failed, and he’s been dead eight years.” -Kevin “Yay for fat shaming.” -Amberlee “Philip Rivers: Miami Dolphin?” -Carl “I don’t have enough black leggings for this shit.” -Shannon “You ever have shrunken beef?” -G “Phrasing.” -Aaron “You put the brain in Vibranium.” -Matt Richards “Several flaws in his argument, most notably that while he is correct that the meat in boneless chicken wings doesn’t come from the wings, neither does it come from the “tender”. And chicken nuggets aren’t made from a chicken’s... um... nuggets. That said, it is Nebraska, and this is what happens in that God forsaken state when they cancel football.” -Kevin “I never got spanked. We were very good kids growing up. Dad threatened us a different way. He reminded us as he was a famous person if we screwed up we would see it on page 6 of the ny post.” -G “God’s perfect idiot.” -Ryan Reynolds “You can’t clean house with a filthy mop.” -Kevin "Four." -Course Manager Joe translating Sir Goph to the crowd at Holey Moley. “May (Tim Tebow’s) marriage last longer than Million Dollar Mile.” -C “They were so offended, they weren’t.” -G “Meanwhile I can't choose a fuck fish...” -Kimberly “I have questions.” -Bressler “Do not insult the good name of Bowzer, damn it!” -Greg “Hiya Barbie! No Ken. He’s sold separately and I’m cutting unnecessary spending.” -Eden as Barbie “I’ll be at the bench if you need me. Please don’t need me.” -C as David Tennant as Scrooge McDuck “Fayetteville gonna Fayetteville.” -Jordan “Why you gotta go make good employees angry? You think another decent phleb is just gonna pop out of nowhere like a State Farm agent? ... 🎵 Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there! 🎵 POOF!” -C “I like my men like I like my commuter car: silent.” -Robin “The fact that I had to put "Real Email -- Not Wingo SPAM" in an email subject line tells you a lot about how I comport myself with my colleagues.” -Wingo “Savage Question Song! Y’all fucking FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP! YOU GOT IT WRONG! YOU ARE DUMB! No, I’m kidding, you’re not dumb. You fucked up, it happens. That’s life.” -Matt Richards “You know, bucatini. It’s like spaghetti... with goals.” -C “Love like you’re Jesus Christ. Wash your hands like you’re Pontius Pilate.” -Brian “Show me on the tackling dummy where the illegal touching happened.” -Nikki “Get cable. Discover Disney Junior. Muppet Babies. Weird. So weird. #NotMyMuppetBabies.” -Paul  “Take the swabs. Leave the cannoli.” -C “Facetyfacetyfacetyfaaaaaaaace!” -Nikki “If you win, you may smoke it. WHEN you lose, you must eat it. I don’t make the rules.” -Erskine “The internet discovers that Wendy Williams is a terrible person once a week.” -Adam “¡Carajo! Errbahurr!” -me, upon looking at a full parking lot “In these increasingly uncertain times, I want to be absolutely clear on something. I never *don't* want pizza. It is never a bad or inappropriate time for pizza. I will never, in any way, be displeased by receiving pizza. And, at no time in my life, will I ever say "no, that's fine, personally I don't want any pizza." I hope I have made myself clear.” -Brian “That’s a terrifying prospect. Goddamnit, I’m in.” -Kimberly “My dream from December 2020 involved a previous neighbor and his two-mouthed dog. Not two-headed, but two mouthed. Imagine a Doberman crossed with a Big Mac.” -Evil Travis “Sounds like SOMEONE is jealous of the awesome sex her witch friends are having, just saying. #StellaImmanuelOnlyDoesMissionary” -Shannon “Why does Ken Jennings get applause for his use of a buzzer during championship rounds but the Astros are vilified? That’s Double Jeopardy in more ways than one!” -Jess “That's Roman's new move...the Bowel Movement" -JB After Roman tips Corbin over in the potty during Royal Rumble “Smoke my weed.” -Kyle “Tomorrow on Personal Injury Court: "You destroyed my vagina!" Me: "Continue."” -Klauss “Vernon Valley/Action Park on line one.” -Gordon’s one-line review of “Cannonball” “There’s no substitute for good old fashioned know-how.” -Prof. O “So a coworker says she’s pro-gun, pro-God, pro-LEO, pro-Trump, pro-life and that all lives matter. I say to her, quoting Colin Firth, ‘I’m a Catholic whore who is currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.’ See? I can flex for rubes on social media, too.” -C “Boy. Smoke really let himself go.” -Caleb “SUPER MATCH on tonight’s MGHSH: ______ LOVER $1000: Red Hot $500: Lousy $250: Latin.... I’ve been called all these things. At the same time.” -C “BREAKING: Massachusetts Lottery names Tom Brady its spokesman for its new lotto game -- Pick 6.” -Doug “If music be the food of love, then umami is the food of food!” -Heather “We already have artificial intelligence in the announcers booth… His name is Joe Buck.” -Brian “I don’t have the time or the crayons to show you how you did that wrong.” -Q “Okay so about Herve Villechaize’s dick.” -Klauss “Sharon after two Proseccos is the funniest motherfucker alive.” -Matt Richards “There’s tired, and then there’s Disney tired. He’s worn out!” -Terrie “Who the fuck is Mickey Rooney?” -Greg’s older brother when he was 8 “Remember, exercise causes endorphins. Endorphins make you happy....” -Michael “And happy people don’t kill their husbands.” -everyone  “Peace, love, dope! Now get the hell out of my house!” -Evil Travis “My sister is being disgusted!” -Shannon’s sister “I already have my picks to replace Condfederacy monuments/statues and other members of the slave trade/colonialism. 1. Spock 2, Any Pokemon 3. Columbo (Specifically for Christopher Columbus) 4. The lead singer of GWAR 5. Dolly Parton” -Dane “Having said that, KEEP STAYING INSIDE. Let’s put this in easy terms: did you ever have a teacher say “If you’re good the entire week, we’ll watch a movie in class on Friday”? And when you made it to Thursday, everybody kind of had an eye on the dipshit in the class who was probably going to screw it up for everybody? Okay, right now, as far as COVID goes, it’s Thursday. Keep an eye on Adam. Or...I mean, whatever the kid’s name was in your class.” -Adam “I'm at the level of drunk where everything is HILARIOUS and I'm very pleased with myself... now I’m having a second drink and wearing this VERY NECESSARY hat.” -Arianna “May your 2020 be like ABC’s, shaky at first, but getting stronger.” -BB “A bunch of Goofuses and nary a Gallant.” -Ian “Hard and Stormy - the next pornhub film from Michael Avenatti.” -JB after Chico tried mistakenly to say “Dark and stormy” “With a name like Joe Exotic, expect more fingers than teeth.” -Chico re: Tiger King “I’d rather offend someone by showing up, by trying to understand and trying to care, than offend someone by not showing up, by refusing to understand and for appearing indifferent.” -Christina “If you feel the need to throw shade from behind an anonymous Twitter account... Don’t. Say it to my face or don’t say it at all. Don’t waste my time. It’s 2020. We’re not on here wasting people’s time. Stop it.” -Anne “His shake brings nobody to the yard.” -Jess re: HQreeper “Did Bill Cullen do Blockheads?” -Q “OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!” -C "I do normally have energy, but I did just win the Space Jam, so..." -Neumann “So watching the NFL Playoff game and my first thought is that I wonder how the Houston Astros were able to show the Texans how to steal all of the KC Chiefs' signals from their playbook.” -Gordon “Does anybody here have a dollar?” -C “No but I have a chicken!” -Q “You know what borders on insanity? Canada and Mexico.” -Chelsea’s friend Cathie “A 1 followed by 100 zeroes is known as a Googol. A 1 followed by 1,000 zeroes is known as the number of e-mails you will receive from 1-800-FLOWERS in the week leading up to Valentine's Day if you've ever bought even one bouquet in your life.” -Adam “I think I hate everything and everybody, so I’m going to get drunk on beer that’s been brewed in an old sheep carcass and then I’m going to stick my tiny penis in a dead dog I found in a ditch to make hate-babies or something because I am actually more stupid than mud.” -Alucard, impersonating Trevor Belmont, Castlevania “10/10 for entertainment and entry level gaming abilities. Gratuitous gore and endless ammunition. You will literally cry from laughing. Especially if you're as good at being bad at it as I am.” -Becca “I’m trying to eat better. After work today I’m going to have myself a nice salad. That’s right a nice Caprese salad with tomatoes and mozzarella cheese, and croutons… Well OK one crouton… One very large round crouton. Pizza. I’m going to order a pizza.” -Brian “Coming to theaters in January 2021: 2Jeopardy 2 GOAT.” -Evil Travis “You overthought it!” -Michael “You know me, Michael. Overthinking is kinda my thing.” -C “I had a baby.... in my king cake.” -Kathryn “hear me out: a cross between a heating pad AND a weighted blanket. *become* the hot pocket.” -Chelsea “Guessing both Foxes (New Fox & Disney) are catching onto the reality that Seth (MacFarlane) only has one idea, which he keeps trotting out in different disguises.” -Kevin “How’s your Wednesday?” -Wingo “Oh you know, places to go, people to see, lives to save, asses to cover. You know, a Wednesday!” -C “That’s why I don’t hold grudges, because I can’t remember shit.” -Joey “Brainvision has been brought to you by the Fire Me Please Sporting Division Showdown! Who will win? The Cleveland Browns? The Houston Astros? The NJ Devils? The NY KNicks? It will be fun to find out! That's the Fire Me Please Sporting Division SHowdown!” -Gordon  "I have sent a dick pic. I didnt mean to do it. Mom, I'm sorry.” -contestant on The Circle “You can make excuses or you can make game moves. Pick one!” -C “He who hesitates is sacked.” -Nikki on Tua “Merry Crimbo!... I mean, Merry Chrysler!... I mean...” -Statboy “Welcome to this edition of “Faith in Humanity”, brought to yo by Bleagh. 🤮” -Gordon “Ass trumps feet, count it.” -VRM “On the Season Finale of St. Patswhere, Chief Surgeon Brady suddenly realizes that time has caught up to him and can't accurately perform like he as done in years past. Director of Medicine Belichick talks to his staff and is irate that instead of researching Vrabel-Tannehillitis, they brought him documents on Bunglaria. He punishes them by making them work on back cases and organizing them by bacteria count. In the operating room, time is not on the side of the staff as the patient is also suffering from Henry Syndrome where he rushed for 182 yards and a touchdown. To further accentuate the problems, Belichick finds out that Vrabel-Tennehillitis eats up the time left in the patient, despite his efforts to make time stand still. With time running out, Brady tries to push through his decline and makes a dangerous surgical operation. Sadly, the operation would turn to be fatal for the patient as Brady slips and cuts through vital organs and the scalpal is intercepted by the heart. The patient dies on the table and leaving both Brady and Belichick wondering if they still have what it takes in this new era of medicine. Will our dynamic duo return? find out next season...on St. Patswhere.” -Cyndi “That looks nothing like Tom Villard.” -Mike, anytime someone mentions Chris “Captain America” Evans as “America’s ass” “Okay, no no no no stop halt quit it cease desist. I will sign off on an Anglicized live-action remake of Ranma 1/2 before I approve of this.” -me reacting to a Fresh Prince reboot “Welcome to the Absolutely Fucking Crazy Championship game! With your analysts Tom Brady and Lamar Jackson. Tom: “Hey Lamar, how come we’re not playing in this game?” Lamar: “Cause we suck, man!” • Carl “Politicians are temporary. Wu-Tang is forever.” -@PressedNC “Coffee is not meaningless. Coffee is everything.” -LiyaZee “in the grand scheme of things, aren't we ALL between a sex store and a crematorium?” -Chelsea “You can cancel the show. You can not. Cancel. The culture.” -Chico “Go be bitter elsewhere.” -Hannah “Happy holidays ... and you’re welcome.” -Wayne Brady.... after telling us he’s not wearing underwear. === May our collective 2021 not suck as much as this year did. Seriously, I tried to burn my calendar and it wouldn’t burn.  Anyway, here’s to 2021... Come together, just think of tomorrow. 

December 20, 2020 - Burnaby, BC

Normally around this time I would be in Newfoundland with my parents and family doing all sorts of stuff. However this being 2020 that isn’t the case. Instead of staying in the basement of my parents house in Bay Roberts both me and my girlfriend have spent the weekend at the Hilton that is only a 15 minute walk from the please we live in.

A staycation mainly for my girlfriend but in some ways for me too. I know how much my girlfriend hates where we live and I can’t blame her I have carried a deep seeded dislike for where I have lived for some time too but I have always sort of buried it in my subconscious because I felt like this was only temporary or it was just something I could deal with for now even though every year the house was just seemingly getting in worse and worse condition, never getting better. However as something int he house would seemingly get worse that would always bring up my dislike for the house. Not counting one of my room mates whom has lived there before even my current landlord and seemingly thinks it is his house. Both me and my girlfriend share a deep seeding hatred for the man child which we know is returned from him. With that said I am not wasting thoughts and words on that piece of shit.

We are checking out in 4 hours and I can’t help but be depressed, we were only stayed here for 3 nights but I can’t help but already miss what it feels like to actually live somewhere decent.

A clean floor that isn’t sinking, comfortable bed, room to move around, furniture one could lay or lounge on that wasn’t your bed, no mould, no room mates and a clean and functional bathroom all to ourselves. It is probably my white male privilege but I remember a time where I had all of these things and I miss them dearly. With that said I know I have it ok where so many others either don't even have a warm and soft place to sleep in, even less room and so on. I know I am just being a whiny white male brat but it is what it is I am over privileged.

This makes me miss living in my bachelor apartment even more than ever. Its funny yet irritating at the same time; I moved out of that apartment apartment around 2012 because the rent was just way too high for me to afford. Mind you I was making less than half the amount I am making now. I wish I had the job I have now back then because even if they jumped the rent up 20 bucks every year it would still be less than the rent I pay right now. My girlfriend would be able to have baths anytime she wants, we would have privacy, we may not have quite as much room but enough room and we may have to pay through the nose for internet and laundry (though I would push to wash and dry our clothes inside our apartment versus paying 2.50 per shot in their machines) but we would at least have our privacy and feel we are living in a decent place.

While I miss being with my parents the most this time of the year being able to live in a decent place is also something I miss about being in Newfoundland right now as well, something I always take for granted right up until I leave back for Vancouver. Having my own basement/place where I can just lay on on the couch and watch movies, play video games, hang with friends and family. Instead I stay in place where there is one room with just enough room to walk in and out of where we can sleep and when not that watch TV and let the laundry dry, then there is the other room where either of us can sleep but also work on tasks or just work in general. We share a third of the fridge with two other people with barely enough room for ourselves, even buying a mini fridge is not enough for us. We have to be mindful of when we are using the kitchen and bathroom because god forbid we are using it while jack off man child wants to use it because he will do nothing but pout and give stink eyes when we are using it. Fuck I hate that bastard.

I know I have said it before but these exemplifies the reasons as to why I need to move out of this city sooner rather than later, unless rent suddenly nose dives into reasonable levels again which is extremely doubtful there is no scenario I can see where I can afford to live here and live in a place of privacy and higher luxury than the mould dish we live in unless there were two incomes paying for it. Only way I could really live here on my own and with a semblance of luxury and privacy at this point is if I was paid 30 bucks an hour and that is not happening anytime soon. It shouldn’t have to be like this, nearly anywhere else outside of BC, Toronto and Halifax my income is a living wage for me to be able to afford live and still have a comfortable life. Here nearly impossible, one of my friends keeps telling me to move out and just deal with he high rent but I don't think she understands, I can’t blame her. I know she sort of understands but she is willing to pay more even if it is outrageous just to have privacy and luxury while me I have always been more concerned with he long game at least from the financial side of things.

I have talked about all of this way too much and I am sick of talking about it as well but at the end of the day it is nearly all I think about. 2021 has to be about figuring out how to get out of Vancouver. Where I thought I could go anywhere it is becoming abundantly clear that I only really have one option in a place to go and that is Newfoundland though I would like to go to Alberta, Edmonton in particular.

Can’t help but feel I am taking so much for granted and not being thankful for what I do have. At least I have a roof over my head I can afford, at least I have a well paying job in a work place that is not toxic, I live in a country with stable healthcare in a province that isn’t full of right wing nuts, I have a girlfriend who loves me who I know cares for me. All things considered even though I could not travel this year or see my family this year this year wasn’t all that bad.

2020 for the most part has just been a different challenge for me but filled with many challenges. The first being kept in Newfoundland for an extra week which looking back now was a blessing in disguise given that I won’t be able to see my parents at all this year.

The next challenge was dealing with Vancouver’s “snowmageddon” which is a joke because the snow the city got would be nothing compared to other parts of Canada but since it is Vancouver and it’s inability and refusal to deal with it it is a big problem to deal with.

What followed that was the obvious pandemic where within the first two weeks of March we went form living life as though everything was normal even though we knew a pandemic was looming outside our boarders to full on lock down for a month and a half where it was looked down upon to leave your house even with a mask on.

My travel plans were Ottawa, Portland, Fort McMurray, Australia, Quebec City and of course Newfoundland but instead it became none of it. Any and all money spent was on records and knick knacks inside the house as we just decided to stay at home most if not all of the time.

During this time my drinking has gone up to levels that I feel are getting out of control nd my mental health has taken a hit because the one thing that relieves my mental health issues is something I can do. I feel like I haven’t been able to do much to relieve myself of my stress. But it is what it is.

2021 remains a cloud to me, I know there is a vaccine but I doubt any travel will occur during this time or anything really. With that said the main goal of 2021 is simply to find a way out of Vancouver and back to Newfoundland, it is as simple as that. 2021 will have its own challenges but ones I have faced before. If anything it will provide me with a true test to see if the new mental health supports I built in my subconscious really do work or if they don’t.

COVID has been a challenge for all of us and  have no right to complain but this is my blog and I will complain here all I can do right now is just be thankful of what I have and just try to make the most of it. Just like being in this hotel, I only have 3 more hours left in it before we have to go back to the shit hole. May as well make the most of it.

Happy holidays everyone, stay safe, shazbot nanu nanu.

per @leaderofthebadguys‘ suggestion, i decided to join the bandwagon and make a nathan playlist!

it was definitely a challenge to pick all different artists (i also tried to avoid picking songs a bunch of people know already...there’s some halsey/21p songs i decided against including for that reason. not that i don’t love those artists...anyway) 

while i did pick some of these for the musical sound, i’m a lyrics person at heart. so if you’re interested lyrical/character analysis, all of that is under the cut.  

some of them are (sort of) love songs or imply past relationships or whatever, but i didn’t have any particular ship in mind when i put this together. so go nuts! :D

tracklist and playlist can be found HERE 

1. my alcoholic friends - dresden dolls. alcoholism and bad decisions. god damn it, nathan. 

I'll be on my best behavior Taking shots for mother nature Once my fist is in the cupboard Love is never falling over

2. why do you only call me when you’re high? - arctic monkeys: okay, most of you probably already remember this song from a few years back. but i couldn’t resist. a good vortex club song, or hurt/comfort, or...anything you want :) 

Now it's three in the morning And I'm trying to change your mind Left you multiple missed calls And to my message you reply Why'd you only call me when you're high?

3. daddy issues - the neighborhood: i feel like this one speaks for itself, so i’ll refrain from stating the obvious. aside from the blatant thematic choices, i also really like the party-esque vibe the song has musically. definitely sounds like a song you could hear through the walls while you’re crying in the bathroom at some bar. 

Take you like a drug I taste you on my tongue You ask me what I'm thinking about I'll tell you that I'm thinking about Whatever you're thinking about

4. cry for judas - the mountain goats: this is absolutely one of my favorite all-time nathan songs. all about anger, impulsivity, and being used. the whole song is amazing, but this is the couplet that really kills me: 

Sad and angry, can't learn how to behave Still won't know how in the darkness of the grave

5. every night my teeth are falling out - the antlers. it’s about a dysfunctional relationship...apparently i’m fond of this motif. but it’s also about alcoholism and depression, so whatever. i get a vortex club vibe to this song too. 

One bad night I'll hold the glass until the glass can hold me down And one bad night I'll spill and spilling 'till my feet begin to drown And one bad night I'll hear you calling me to help you not pass out

6. overdone - ludo. the chorus is about falling and love and feeling badly about it (”i am in love again”) but what i really appreciate about this song for nathan is the depressive, psychotic quality of the lyrics. 

I'm a snake in the grass Watch your feet, let me pass I'm tight and afraid I can't eat, I can't change

very much how i interpret his thoughts/behaviors during downswings. not so much for the mania we see in the game, but definitely on his off days. 

also these lyrics are fucking heartbreaking if you interpret them literally: 

But I'm bad, bred to suffer In the dark, in this room I'll explode, I'll escape Get me out, make it soon

:’(

7. superstar - sonic youth. i picked this one mostly for the sound--very gloomy and angsty--and i’ll fully admit that this one is weaker lyrically, since it’s about falling in love with a musician. the chorus is what gets me, since it portrays an intense fear of abandonment: 

Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby You said you'd be coming back this way again baby

whoever you ship him with, this is a pretty sad song. apparently i’m not a fluffy person, lol. 

8. people II: the reckoning - ajj: this one’s not for the faint of heart (although if you’re a nathan fan you probably don’t care). give the lyrics a glance before you listen if you’re someone who gets upset by themes about human nature/atrocities/etc. 

And your bipolar illness, it comes and it goes Your parasympathetic nervous system reacts And you're in fight or flight You're in fight or flight You're in fight or flight mode 

9. wolf at the door - radiohead: i really imagine this as the song that would play right before nathan dies in episode four (which of course we don’t see but... if we got to.) i really like the song for its themes about mental illness: 

Let me back, let me back I promise to be good Don't look in the mirror At the face you don't recognize Help me call the doctor Put me inside

10. trouble - cage the elephant: i literally can imagine this song playing over the “save the bay” ending (or at least in a universe where nathan was prominently featured, LMAO.) this is another song that can probably work for most nathan ships - who do you think he was doing it all for? also:

You know what they say, yeah The wicked get no rest

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if you read all this holy shit, congrats, you get a gold star. let me know what you think, even if you disagree with me! i had fun making this and honestly, if you haven’t made a nathan playlist yet you definitely should. it’s very cathartic!

Nightshade/ Hyakka Hyakurou Review (Spoilers!)

So I did something I should not have done while playing this game. I started it with Gekkamaru’s route. Some suggestions I saw for route order said it doesn’t matter who I start with as each route is spoilery in its own way. BUT THEN everyone on Reddit was like save him for last and I was already halfway through his route so I thought- fuck it -and played it anyways.

So yeah don’t be like me and save him for last or second to last.

Route Order I played: Gekkamaru>Hanzo>Chojiro>Goemon>Kuroyuki

Route Order I would Suggest: Hanzo> Goemon>Chojiro> Gekkamaru>Kuroyuki  (You can put Goemon last if you want to balance out the angst and leave the game with happy thoughts)

Level of Tears: Gekkamaru>Chojiro>Kuroyuki=Hanzo=Goemon ( I only cried during gekka and chojiro which I will explain during my spoiler filled character review)

Gameplay: It’s a typical visual novel where you get to make choices once or twice per chapter and sometimes none at all. Each route is 11-13 chapters long.  This game is unique in that you will see Enju’s sprite interacting with everyone on the screen. 

There is also moving background with leaves falling, screen shaking and so on. The game has great animation during action scenes for a visual novel. There are two endings good and bad, depending on how high you raise your affection with a guy will result on the ending you get. Bad ends also come with CGs so if you’re a completionist you need to play them. Also completing both ends unlock bonus scenes under memoirs which I have not read yet.

Music: Really good. The opening and ending songs are not included in the OST pack by the way so if you just want those you might need to head to itunes to get it.

Voice acting: So so good! Hanzo <3 This is one of those games when I wished our protagonist lady Enju was voiced as well. All the side characters’ voice actors were also top notch.

Gameplay time: 38 hours for me.

Story: There are two different plots. Depending on the character the plot will change which will result in how the murdered king will look. It is not a censoring issue it was done on purpose. There are a bunch of plot points that you will come across and they will get answered as you play the routes. When I was done with the game all the questions I had were answered and that is not the case with a lot of games so props to RED and D3P.

CGs: The art is obviously great as it is the same artist that also did Norn9. However, there are CGs that I felt were useless and “filler” where some plot points I think deserved a CG and we got a totally random pointless one instead of a more romantic scene. Also, not all characters get kiss CGs like WTF?! It happens in the story but no CG for the actual scene like why?

Side Characters: Kyara and Ennosuke are the OTP of this game. I ship them so hard. And the little girl is so cute and precious (although her whiny crying/wailing scenes can get a bit annoying at times so I would have to fast forward to avoid the sound). Also Lord Ie—was such a waste of a potential route. He has the same seiyuu as my baby Ukyo and he is literally the only member of the five elders with a character design so like why is he not a route?????

Now on to the bachelors:

Hanzo: He is the best boy imho. I loved his route the most not only because he is hot and has an amazing seiyuu but because it has the best character development. Enju grows as a ninja and as an individual as she trains to be a badass through her own free will. She also learns to appreciate her life and fight for it instead of choosing to sacrifice herself whenever there is a conflict. Hanzo also grows as a human being. He is a ninja who only knows the shinobi way and would not do anything against his master’s orders and does not see the fellow ninjas he works with as nothing but collateral damage if they were to die. He learns to connect with people emotionally and that there is more to life than killing people. His good ending is great while his bad ending is cheesy af but he is still my favorite. 

The only thing that bothered me about him was his age (and that wouldn’t have bothered me since it’s a historical show BUT he was friends/acquaintances with her mother and she even trusted him enough to whisk her away from her shitty life when she was pregnant with Enju… like what?) He is also the greatest shinobi ever.

Chojiro: I only cried during 2 routes and he was one of them. I did not enjoy his route as much because one: they are cousins so like incest why? (at least they are not siblings I guess??) second: they spend the route mostly apart as the story goes back and forth between what they are doing. I mean plot wise it’s good I guess but romance wise it’s like nope. The route still had its cute moments. CHojiro, like Hanzo, also goes through the whole shinobi life vs emotions dilemma but he is a harder nut to crack I feel like. The part where everyone died also sucked ass. But they all died back to back so I cried once during this route. 

(also the only character who gets a childhood ver. cg)

His bad ending was also better than his good ending. His character design and seiyuu is great tho. Also, he is the 2nd greatest shinobi.

Goemon: I called all the plot twists in his route except for the part where it was revealed that he was the leader of those ninjas with the red devil masks. I was like how many secret identities does he have??? He is the resident flirty guy who is also a great shinobi (he was trained with Hanzo and chojiro when they were kids and part of the same clan). His route is one of those good ones where no one dies and they all live happily ever after at the end. 

I called the plot twist when the kid they find on the road ended up being a shinobi of the purple masked guys so it wasn’t that big of an impact. I also called it when he was lying to Enju saying all these horrible things and “killing” everyone because they emphasized on him being able to trick people and being amazing with drugs, poisons, and antidotes so I knew it was a cop out. His bad ending really sucks though because that’s when Enju believes him being a traitor and basically gets herself killed. All that planning and plotting ends up being for nothing and kinda gave me Game of Thrones vibes.

Gekkamaru: He is the cutest babe. He is the overprotective bodyguard of Enju. He has a lot of cute moments but also a lot of tragic ones. I cried the most during this route.

 First, he murders his BFF Ennosuke for Enju’s sake. When it happened I was so surprised because he was the first route I played and didn’t think they would actually kill characters. Since all the characters died at different chapters I ended up spending the 2nd half of the game bawling my eyes out. He is overprotective but generally knows to control himself when Enju is like chill bro I’m a shinobi, too. He sees nothing but blood thought if she is in actual danger which is later on explained as this curse put on him by Enju’s mom. It is really sad and kinda makes you question if he really loves her or if it was part of the curse but he says he does really love her when the curse breaks so I’ll believe him!

Kuroyuki: The resident tsundere. His route made me really uncomfortable because of all the lies he told and how he manipulated Enju and made her completely dependent on him. It is such an unhealthy relationship I really enjoyed it when Kyara and Gekkamaru said it as it is and tried to get her to see the reality. (I posted some screencaps of those scenes) Of course when we learn about his past and what he went through the past eight years you would end up feeling bad for him but still like what the fuck bro you didn’t have to brainwash her with your weird powers gosh. 

His story and Gekkamaru’s reveal the most about the plot (each route reveals a key point but the brothers reveal the most so save them for last)

Overrall: I really enjoyed the game and would rate it a solid 4/5. If you like historical romance with plot and voice acting I would definitely suggest it.

FRENCH GIRLS: WHAT, WHERE & HOW THEY EAT TO KEEP IT SLIM & TRIM

This post needs no introduction. You guy shave met Ingrid so many times, as you know our story. & if you don’t…

I found her on a friend of a friend of a cousin’s sister’s page or something when I was deep in an Instagram stalk like 4 years ago. I liked her feed immediately ( if you want to see, go DEEP into her Instagram ). She was super open with sharing recipes, skinny hacks, & diet tips. As Ingrid would say, she “wasn’t stingy” with her tips. I liked the vibe.

So I followed her on Instagram, silently watching her skinny recipes from afar for years.

HERE’S HOW CRAZY LIFE IS GUYS: I was in Monaco AND SAW HER AT THE HOTEL WE WERE HAVING LUNCH AT. I whispered to Michael that “THAT was THAT girl I followed on Instagram!” Michael looked at me like I was fucking crazy. But first things first, I had to see what she was eating…from a distance. LIKE MOVE MICHAEL- YOU’RE BLOCKING MY VIEW. Creepy? Come on, we’ve all been there. I wanted to see the whole thing. Like what was she eating to get those abs? Was she having protein? What kind?

Anyway, I wanted to see her in action- I love her philosophy of substituting & modifying foods. It’s something I’ve been about FOREVER. Her lifestyle is just inspiring.

But back to what she was eating.

You can bet your ass it was greens to start, some protein, fiber, & a glass of wine!

I didn’t say hi because I didn’t want to interrupt ( wait, let’s be honest here. What would I say? Hi, I’m Lauryn & I have followed you online all the way from California for the last few years…& eer, I happened to run into you in France? Oh, and can you cook me your skinny Spanish rice? I’m available for dinner ). So I didn’t say hi.

But I did DM her on IG. & we became friends. Now I train with her & do THE METHOD®, cook her recipes, & we met with our husbands in Monaco & Morocco. She’s become such a good friend & is constantly providing so much value on her channels which we love.

I’ve been so impressed with how she has taken an idea then launched her Simply Gangster Chic inulin, adjusted it from consumer feedback, & brought in other products. Products like her rose oil, amber rocks, & cookbook.

I cook with inulin all the time. In fact, yesterday I made skinny pancakes with it & it creates this thick consistency, almost like you’re cooking with flour, but it’s actually artichoke fiber so it makes your gut feel great.

If you don’t know what inulin is you have to check it out.

“Inulin is a nutrient which cannot be digested or absorbed in the body, meaning it is classed as a fibre. It is also one of the best known sources, as it boasts almost 90g of fibre per 100g! Inulin can also be obtained through foods such as asparagus, onions, garlic, artichokes, chicoree root, acacia and sweet potatoes. This vegan-friendly nutrient has received masses of attention recently from both the scientific community and media outlets due to its versatility, qualities. It has gained so much recognizance from doctors & health practitioners, such as Dr. Stephen Gundry, Dr. Axe , Dr. Hyman and many more.” source

You guys know I put this in my coffee every day. If you want to know more about it stalk the morning ritual here.

With out further ado, welcome back Ingrid de la Mare Kenny, the badass behind Simply Gangster Chic & THE METHOD®. In this post you can expect Ingrid’s tips on mindful indulgences, how to chill at lunch like a chic French girl, & how to add inulin into your life.

♡♡♡

So, I am part French, but when it comes to eating I’m 100% French for sure, and that’s by choice. Why? Because when I moved from NYC to Monaco, I realized these French people have their shit together, and by their shit I mean they have figured out that CORTISOL levels are everything, especially when it comes to keeping it low while consuming their 3 meals a day. And so, it’s as much what they eat as how they eat that makes the French waistline enviable to fast-paced, diet conscious Americans.

Here is a break-down of what 3 days of eating is like for oh so French moi! I purposely chose Thursday, Friday and Saturday, to help make the distinction between week-days (workdays) and week-ends.

THURSDAY 

I start my day with an early workout with my client Ella, so that’s the perfect day to elect as an Intermittent Fast 8pm-1pm (16 hours) — you can read how I intermittent fast right here on TSC.

I prepare my Simply Inulin Metabolic Boosting Coffee (Here is a video of how to prepare it)– Having simply inulin coffee doesn’t break your fast if you make sure that your plant-based milk is free of gums and only contains 3 ingredients: nuts, water & salt — it’s really important, to realize that plant-based milk can and will not only disrupt your fast with obscure ingredients like xantham gum or lecithin (a chemical word for modified soy), but it will also most probably cause gut inflammation.  

I will slowly sip on my coffee, pre-workout and possibly finish it or have another post-workout.

But what happens if I wake up hungry?  Surprise, surprise! I EAT, I am French so whatever my ghrelin hormone wants I am going to give to her. Why? Because your ghrelin hormone needs to be satisfied, short of doing so you will raise your cortisol levels and cause insulin resistance (aka Stubborn Fat Deposits in and around the midsection). But enough with the science.

I will attempt to satisfy my hunger first with a bowl of berries (they are high in fiber and very satiating) and often that will do the trick. If it doesn’t work I will have my French Chocolate Chip Cookies made with tahini & Simply Inulin (ps: Dr. Gundry said that inulin is the solution to avoid weight gain, terrible digestion and prevents the bad bacteria from taking over your waistline). It’s rich in fatty acids which balances the hormones, high in fiber with the inulin (and that cancels out some of the carbs too) and it’s a gut health aid because it contains potato starch (instead of flour). Potato starch is a resistant starch that arrives in the colon intact, good bacteria feeds on it, producing beneficial short-chain fatty acids. Resistant starch carries many benefits: it strengthens the gut, burns fat, and protects against colon cancer, diabetes, and heart disease. 

Anyway… keep in mind I’m having a simple cookie today because it was meant to be an intermittent fasting day and I got hungry. The cookie for sure will keep me going until lunch at 1 pm.

♡ 1pm – Lunch

Where? Away from my desk and from my work place. Usually a pleasant (outdoorsy if weather permits) setting and during the work-week a less noisy environment.

How Long? In France, lunch breaks can last up to 2 hours. My lunch is usually 1h or 1h 15 mins and that is non-negotiable. I purposely do not schedule any appointments or meetings during my lunch window (it’s not difficult to do so because everything is closed, except restaurants and everyone is sitting  having lunch).

How? Never ever on the go. Never ever in plastic bowls, plates or utensils. No such thing as walking and eating at the same time in France. And no such thing as eating out of plastic. If I take-away, I will transfer my food to a china plate. NON-NEGOTIABLE (definitely avoiding endocrine-disrupters).

What? Unlike Americans (according to an array of French waiters in Paris and the South of France) who are indecisive about what to eat, and will study the menu from top to bottom for a while, and debate on what to eat, I, as the very French person that I am, know exactly what I like to eat, and what I need to be eating. It will catch my eye immediately on the menu.

Starter – L’entrée: I start with an artichoke salad, with arugula and shaved parmesan. And I will have 2 bites of the bread soaked in olive oil while I wait for my order.

If I am not working out that afternoon with a client and I’m just going to the office or meetings, I’ll have a glass of white wine. A glass of white wine halfway filled is not going to get me buzzed.  

Main Course – Le Plat de Resistance: What more food? Yes! Salad is not a meal in France. And it often comes served in a dessert size plate as an appetite opener. We don’t feed on salad and frankly if I wanted to chew on salad all day every day I’d be a fucking cow.

So my main will be: A veal escalope in a light lemon sauce (it’s really an Italian dish I love that is in every restaurant in Monaco) and it’s always the size of my hand. I am not a fucking accountant and I don’t bring a scale or calculate the gram amount of my protein either. I usually have it with a side of seasonal veggies. What veggies? The French don’t just pre-determine, because they will only serve you what is of the season, they don’t modify vegetables genetically to occur and grow during their off-season. So at the moment, it’s often cauliflower, peas (and yes we ain’t afraid of peas they aren’t your American sweet peas) and asparagus. They never serve just one veggie, because variety is KEY to rub your leptin (satiation hormone) the right way. If there is one or 2 potatoes luring around in that plate I will happily have it and I will not have any qualms about it. Whoever is scared of potatoes doesn’t know how to live the life of a normal human being.  

Dessert: I often skip it. Instead I will ask for an espresso Longo and add a dash of inulin to it, and have the one bite-sized dark Italian chocolate cube they serve it with to satisfy that sweet tooth.

♡ Snack

It is not unusual for me to not have a snack. SNACKING is very disruptive to a healthy appetite according to French culture. As a matter of fact, the snack “le gouter” is something typically reserved for children after school. The French (myself included) pride themselves on honoring the 3 meals of the day as very ceremonial, satisfying and sufficing events in the day.

If I ever get hungry, it is usual an indication that I did not have the right dietary intake of nutritious food that I should have had.

♡ Dinner

First of all, I cook at least 5 nights a week for my family. The table is set with china, pretty cutlery, candles and some light music in the background.

We have dinner around 8 pm, and we all sit together and start engaging with conversation before we even grab our forks and knives to eat.

A typical Thursday night dinner in my house will be:

Main Course: Veal Kefta Meatballs made with my Moroccan Spice “Simply The Best” Ras El Hanout. It contains 30 pungent spices, and spices are life when it comes to gut-health. It Improves the efficiency of your digestive system. Spices have been used throughout history as digestive stimulants. In recent times, studies have shown that many spices stimulate the liver, resulting in it secreting bile that has a higher percentage of bile acids. The result: it makes your food more satisfying, satiating, and most importantly so delicious with a prep time under 20 mins.

I serve them (everyone gets the amount that covers the size of their hands) with my String Beans á l’étouffée (it’s very important and so beneficial to cook the veggies for about 4 minutes covered – not boiled and not carbonized-sauteed either- to keep the vibrancy of the vegetables intact, as the visual and texture are 60% of the neuro-signals of satiation sent to your leptin hormone. While not overcooking vegetables also keeps the nutrients and notably the fiber intact.  

At dinner time, the salad is typically served after the main course, not before, to not ruin one’s appetite, and disrespect the cook by doing so. But most importantly because the French believe consuming the salad after the main facilitates digestion, and absorption of minerals in the salad. It is also said to aid sleep when consumed after the main course.

Salad: Lately we have been obsessed with Mache salad, with a light tahini, Argan Oil (from Morocco) and lemon dressing, with a handful of pine nuts. This insures a mandatory intake of fatty acids so crucial to hormonal balance, and natural weight control and weight-loss. I (like most French people) believe 2 tbs of cold-pressed 1st quality olive oil or Argan oil per day aids with gut-health and overall weight control. No French person ever got fat from the liters of olive oil they are known to consume weekly.

Dessert: In the evening I need dessert… that is usually when my sweet tooth rages so I satisfy it by taking my health in my own hands. Every few days I prepare what we have now renamed “sex-bombs” (one of my clients’ husband compared them to the climaxing effect of good sex) – They are a 10 min preparation Praline Buttercup-like small bite with tahini, potato starch, fiber syrup, praline chunks and Simply Inulin to UP the fiber and lower the net carbs, covered in Simply Inulin melted 70% dark chocolate. One suffices, as it is the exact amount of bites you need to apply my CHIC BITE RULE (3 bites: 1 to say BONJOUR, 2 to ENJOY it, 3 to say AU REVOIR )

FRIDAY 

♡ Breakfast

I will intermittent fast again, as I often have a morning work-out scheduled on Fridays (btw working out on an empty stomach is key to make sure I burn fat for fuel and dig into my reserves). So I’ll have my Simply Inulin Coffee.

♡ Lunch

Same set up and scenario as the day before—

Appetizer: I’ll have a French string bean salad with a light French vinaigrette dressing and tomato cubes.

I will probably skip the wine for lunch today- There is that French je ne said quoi about intuitive moderation.

Main Course: A filet of sol meunière (it’s a light French sauce with lemon and a dot of butter), served with seasonal veggies and a tiny bowl of potato purée or a bit of Ebly (buckwheat rice substitute often served in nice restaurants)

Dessert: Depending on how I feel I may have a café gourmand, which is an espresso served with the restaurant’s best desserts served in tiny bites. Chic Bite Rule makes it totally worth it and has no impact on the waistline.

♡ Dinner

Main Course: Strips of chicken, grilled shawarma style (with my Simply the Best Spice), with my homemade hummus (as a dip), and a side of my Mediterranean – Israeli salad (Tomatoes – I always remove the skin, cucumber, olives, red onions, lots of lemon juice and some olive oil, and mint ) – I may serve some french-fry like sweet potatoes grilled in the oven with a dash of olive oil and garlic powder (we usually have 2-3 pieces each to satisfy the itch).

Salad: My ASPARAGUS SEXY SALAD, with my French truffle vinaigrette, and seasoned with mixed seeds and herbs.

Dessert: I also always have some of my Simply Inulin Truffle balls dipped in matcha, pistachio or cocoa powder (prep is similar to the praline buttercups). 

SATURDAY

 Yay to the freaking week-end !

♡ Breakfast

I never ever intermittent fast on week-ends as breakfast is a privileged time with my kids, where we get to hang out in the kitchen and prepare fun food, and have a lengthy breakfast and chats.

I’ll make my Simply Inulin Pain Perdu aka French Toast Brioche (it’s gluten free, flour free and low carb and it’s a food with health benefits).

And I’ll have my Homemade Simply Kefir COCONUT lactose-free PROBIOTIC yogurt (which I prepare myself from our Simply Kefir Grains and ferment at home). It has 18 to 58 billion live probiotic populations, it’s amazing for the gut, and if the scientific saying that WEIGHT LOSS is in the gut is true, then this is definitely the secret weapon. It’s delicious, and because of its probiotic properties, it satiates me faster than a commercial yogurt.

I will often prepare some eggs on the side with Simply Inulin in them for added fiber. And have literally a bit of everything (the size of the palm of my hands)

Of course I will wash it all down with my Simply Inulin coffee because I crave it every morning from the second I wake up.

♡ Lunch 

Usually it will be a bit later, like 2pm. We will go to the sea port and have a salade niçoise (and no I wont remove the eggs), and share a bruschetta (it’s a sort of Italian bread with fresh tomatoes and melted mozzarella cheese). It’s the week-end; I have no problems consuming bread when I feel like it, especially when I have time to digest it, but it’s all in moderation so sharing is key.

I may have a frozen yogurt, or just skip dessert.

♡ Snack

NO SNACK AT ALL –But if it’s a rainy Saturday afternoon and I’m at home watching a movie, I’ll sit and meticulously pit some dates and fill them with a pecan nut and eat my little date/pecan sandwich (2-3 are more than enough and it’s healthy. Yes dates are healthy and so are pecans).

♡ Dinner

Usually on Saturday nights we go out to dinner. That means I will have access to some of my favorite foods.

Appetizer: I will have a shared plate of lobster pasta (and in the restaurant the pasta is fresh here in the south of France, which makes all the difference in digestion). We usually ask for 2 salad-sized plates and we share. It’s best as an appetizer, as it is a great way of not relying on a non-nutritious food to satiate my hunger. Instead I satisfy my craving and feel happy.

Main Course: (The Plat de Resistance)- The source of nutrition part of the meal and the most important.

I’ll have grilled Camerones (big shrimps) with garlic and parsley, served with petites legumes (young veggies, little peppers, little zucchini flowers) and a Sauce Diablo (which is a classic French compound sauce made from a demi-glacé flavored with shallots, white wine, vinegar, fine herbs, English dry mustard or French Dijon mustard, black pepper and cayenne pepper and garnished with parsley). 

♡ Dessert

I’ll have a French pastry (usually I share with Gil, and I’m completely satisfied following my CHIC BITE RULE), lemon meringue or a praline pastry called Paris-Brest. Unless we are at La Petite Maison in Nice (where we took Lauryn and Michael to lunch when they came to visit us), in which case I’ll share the white chocolate mousse and wild strawberries (if in season).

Now, it does seem like I do eat well right? And I don’t count calories… that’s because I’m completely unscathed at the thought of eating REAL FOOD. Sweet potatoes and olive oil don’t scare me. I view them as food with benefits and I eat them with intuitive moderation and without any guilt. Taking the stress out of eating real food, is the well-known French-nonchalance … aka low cortisol levels, aka better digestion and less inclination to create stressful hormonal issues that cause insulin resistance and midsection weight gain for the most disciplined dieter and salad-only eater.  

Taking your time to eat, minding your environment (noises, soothing lighting, pleasant company), paying attention to your posture, keeping forearms on the table, holding both fork and knife at all times during the process, and taking moments to enjoy the company and conversation with your table mates, can take inches of your waist. It’s a FACT otherwise known as the French paradox.

♡♡♡

Once again, THANK YOU Ingrid for coming on the blog!

If you guys want to know more about Ingrid you have to check out her episode on the Him & Her Podcast. She really gets into the nitty gritty of her life, & let me tell you, it’s TRÈS INTERÉSSANT. She talks prison, divorce, hardships, & how she came out on the other side.

If you want to read Ingrid’s other guests posts, I got you covered:

Check out all of Ingrid’s other posts on TSC:

♡ Wet & Dry Muscles

♡ 10 French Wellness Tips

♡ Skinny Rice, Fiber & Why Scales Lie

SHOP THE POST

Source: https://www.theskinnyconfidential.com/what-where-how-french-girls-eat/

FRENCH GIRLS: WHAT, WHERE & HOW THEY EAT TO KEEP IT SLIM & TRIM

This post needs no introduction. You guy shave met Ingrid so many times, as you know our story. & if you don’t…

I found her on a friend of a friend of a cousin’s sister’s page or something when I was deep in an Instagram stalk like 4 years ago. I liked her feed immediately ( if you want to see, go DEEP into her Instagram ). She was super open with sharing recipes, skinny hacks, & diet tips. As Ingrid would say, she “wasn’t stingy” with her tips. I liked the vibe.

So I followed her on Instagram, silently watching her skinny recipes from afar for years.

HERE’S HOW CRAZY LIFE IS GUYS: I was in Monaco AND SAW HER AT THE HOTEL WE WERE HAVING LUNCH AT. I whispered to Michael that “THAT was THAT girl I followed on Instagram!” Michael looked at me like I was fucking crazy. But first things first, I had to see what she was eating…from a distance. LIKE MOVE MICHAEL- YOU’RE BLOCKING MY VIEW. Creepy? Come on, we’ve all been there. I wanted to see the whole thing. Like what was she eating to get those abs? Was she having protein? What kind?

Anyway, I wanted to see her in action- I love her philosophy of substituting & modifying foods. It’s something I’ve been about FOREVER. Her lifestyle is just inspiring.

But back to what she was eating.

You can bet your ass it was greens to start, some protein, fiber, & a glass of wine!

I didn’t say hi because I didn’t want to interrupt ( wait, let’s be honest here. What would I say? Hi, I’m Lauryn & I have followed you online all the way from California for the last few years…& eer, I happened to run into you in France? Oh, and can you cook me your skinny Spanish rice? I’m available for dinner ). So I didn’t say hi.

But I did DM her on IG. & we became friends. Now I train with her & do THE METHOD®, cook her recipes, & we met with our husbands in Monaco & Morocco. She’s become such a good friend & is constantly providing so much value on her channels which we love.

I’ve been so impressed with how she has taken an idea then launched her Simply Gangster Chic inulin, adjusted it from consumer feedback, & brought in other products. Products like her rose oil, amber rocks, & cookbook.

I cook with inulin all the time. In fact, yesterday I made skinny pancakes with it & it creates this thick consistency, almost like you’re cooking with flour, but it’s actually artichoke fiber so it makes your gut feel great.

If you don’t know what inulin is you have to check it out.

“Inulin is a nutrient which cannot be digested or absorbed in the body, meaning it is classed as a fibre. It is also one of the best known sources, as it boasts almost 90g of fibre per 100g! Inulin can also be obtained through foods such as asparagus, onions, garlic, artichokes, chicoree root, acacia and sweet potatoes. This vegan-friendly nutrient has received masses of attention recently from both the scientific community and media outlets due to its versatility, qualities. It has gained so much recognizance from doctors & health practitioners, such as Dr. Stephen Gundry, Dr. Axe , Dr. Hyman and many more.” source

You guys know I put this in my coffee every day. If you want to know more about it stalk the morning ritual here.

With out further ado, welcome back Ingrid de la Mare Kenny, the badass behind Simply Gangster Chic & THE METHOD®. In this post you can expect Ingrid’s tips on mindful indulgences, how to chill at lunch like a chic French girl, & how to add inulin into your life.

♡♡♡

So, I am part French, but when it comes to eating I’m 100% French for sure, and that’s by choice. Why? Because when I moved from NYC to Monaco, I realized these French people have their shit together, and by their shit I mean they have figured out that CORTISOL levels are everything, especially when it comes to keeping it low while consuming their 3 meals a day. And so, it’s as much what they eat as how they eat that makes the French waistline enviable to fast-paced, diet conscious Americans.

Here is a break-down of what 3 days of eating is like for oh so French moi! I purposely chose Thursday, Friday and Saturday, to help make the distinction between week-days (workdays) and week-ends.

THURSDAY 

I start my day with an early workout with my client Ella, so that’s the perfect day to elect as an Intermittent Fast 8pm-1pm (16 hours) — you can read how I intermittent fast right here on TSC.

I prepare my Simply Inulin Metabolic Boosting Coffee (Here is a video of how to prepare it)– Having simply inulin coffee doesn’t break your fast if you make sure that your plant-based milk is free of gums and only contains 3 ingredients: nuts, water & salt — it’s really important, to realize that plant-based milk can and will not only disrupt your fast with obscure ingredients like xantham gum or lecithin (a chemical word for modified soy), but it will also most probably cause gut inflammation.  

I will slowly sip on my coffee, pre-workout and possibly finish it or have another post-workout.

But what happens if I wake up hungry?  Surprise, surprise! I EAT, I am French so whatever my ghrelin hormone wants I am going to give to her. Why? Because your ghrelin hormone needs to be satisfied, short of doing so you will raise your cortisol levels and cause insulin resistance (aka Stubborn Fat Deposits in and around the midsection). But enough with the science.

I will attempt to satisfy my hunger first with a bowl of berries (they are high in fiber and very satiating) and often that will do the trick. If it doesn’t work I will have my French Chocolate Chip Cookies made with tahini & Simply Inulin (ps: Dr. Gundry said that inulin is the solution to avoid weight gain, terrible digestion and prevents the bad bacteria from taking over your waistline). It’s rich in fatty acids which balances the hormones, high in fiber with the inulin (and that cancels out some of the carbs too) and it’s a gut health aid because it contains potato starch (instead of flour). Potato starch is a resistant starch that arrives in the colon intact, good bacteria feeds on it, producing beneficial short-chain fatty acids. Resistant starch carries many benefits: it strengthens the gut, burns fat, and protects against colon cancer, diabetes, and heart disease. 

Anyway… keep in mind I’m having a simple cookie today because it was meant to be an intermittent fasting day and I got hungry. The cookie for sure will keep me going until lunch at 1 pm.

♡ 1pm – Lunch

Where? Away from my desk and from my work place. Usually a pleasant (outdoorsy if weather permits) setting and during the work-week a less noisy environment.

How Long? In France, lunch breaks can last up to 2 hours. My lunch is usually 1h or 1h 15 mins and that is non-negotiable. I purposely do not schedule any appointments or meetings during my lunch window (it’s not difficult to do so because everything is closed, except restaurants and everyone is sitting  having lunch).

How? Never ever on the go. Never ever in plastic bowls, plates or utensils. No such thing as walking and eating at the same time in France. And no such thing as eating out of plastic. If I take-away, I will transfer my food to a china plate. NON-NEGOTIABLE (definitely avoiding endocrine-disrupters).

What? Unlike Americans (according to an array of French waiters in Paris and the South of France) who are indecisive about what to eat, and will study the menu from top to bottom for a while, and debate on what to eat, I, as the very French person that I am, know exactly what I like to eat, and what I need to be eating. It will catch my eye immediately on the menu.

Starter – L’entrée: I start with an artichoke salad, with arugula and shaved parmesan. And I will have 2 bites of the bread soaked in olive oil while I wait for my order.

If I am not working out that afternoon with a client and I’m just going to the office or meetings, I’ll have a glass of white wine. A glass of white wine halfway filled is not going to get me buzzed.  

Main Course – Le Plat de Resistance: What more food? Yes! Salad is not a meal in France. And it often comes served in a dessert size plate as an appetite opener. We don’t feed on salad and frankly if I wanted to chew on salad all day every day I’d be a fucking cow.

So my main will be: A veal escalope in a light lemon sauce (it’s really an Italian dish I love that is in every restaurant in Monaco) and it’s always the size of my hand. I am not a fucking accountant and I don’t bring a scale or calculate the gram amount of my protein either. I usually have it with a side of seasonal veggies. What veggies? The French don’t just pre-determine, because they will only serve you what is of the season, they don’t modify vegetables genetically to occur and grow during their off-season. So at the moment, it’s often cauliflower, peas (and yes we ain’t afraid of peas they aren’t your American sweet peas) and asparagus. They never serve just one veggie, because variety is KEY to rub your leptin (satiation hormone) the right way. If there is one or 2 potatoes luring around in that plate I will happily have it and I will not have any qualms about it. Whoever is scared of potatoes doesn’t know how to live the life of a normal human being.  

Dessert: I often skip it. Instead I will ask for an espresso Longo and add a dash of inulin to it, and have the one bite-sized dark Italian chocolate cube they serve it with to satisfy that sweet tooth.

♡ Snack

It is not unusual for me to not have a snack. SNACKING is very disruptive to a healthy appetite according to French culture. As a matter of fact, the snack “le gouter” is something typically reserved for children after school. The French (myself included) pride themselves on honoring the 3 meals of the day as very ceremonial, satisfying and sufficing events in the day.

If I ever get hungry, it is usual an indication that I did not have the right dietary intake of nutritious food that I should have had.

♡ Dinner

First of all, I cook at least 5 nights a week for my family. The table is set with china, pretty cutlery, candles and some light music in the background.

We have dinner around 8 pm, and we all sit together and start engaging with conversation before we even grab our forks and knives to eat.

A typical Thursday night dinner in my house will be:

Main Course: Veal Kefta Meatballs made with my Moroccan Spice “Simply The Best” Ras El Hanout. It contains 30 pungent spices, and spices are life when it comes to gut-health. It Improves the efficiency of your digestive system. Spices have been used throughout history as digestive stimulants. In recent times, studies have shown that many spices stimulate the liver, resulting in it secreting bile that has a higher percentage of bile acids. The result: it makes your food more satisfying, satiating, and most importantly so delicious with a prep time under 20 mins.

I serve them (everyone gets the amount that covers the size of their hands) with my String Beans á l’étouffée (it’s very important and so beneficial to cook the veggies for about 4 minutes covered – not boiled and not carbonized-sauteed either- to keep the vibrancy of the vegetables intact, as the visual and texture are 60% of the neuro-signals of satiation sent to your leptin hormone. While not overcooking vegetables also keeps the nutrients and notably the fiber intact.  

At dinner time, the salad is typically served after the main course, not before, to not ruin one’s appetite, and disrespect the cook by doing so. But most importantly because the French believe consuming the salad after the main facilitates digestion, and absorption of minerals in the salad. It is also said to aid sleep when consumed after the main course.

Salad: Lately we have been obsessed with Mache salad, with a light tahini, Argan Oil (from Morocco) and lemon dressing, with a handful of pine nuts. This insures a mandatory intake of fatty acids so crucial to hormonal balance, and natural weight control and weight-loss. I (like most French people) believe 2 tbs of cold-pressed 1st quality olive oil or Argan oil per day aids with gut-health and overall weight control. No French person ever got fat from the liters of olive oil they are known to consume weekly.

Dessert: In the evening I need dessert… that is usually when my sweet tooth rages so I satisfy it by taking my health in my own hands. Every few days I prepare what we have now renamed “sex-bombs” (one of my clients’ husband compared them to the climaxing effect of good sex) – They are a 10 min preparation Praline Buttercup-like small bite with tahini, potato starch, fiber syrup, praline chunks and Simply Inulin to UP the fiber and lower the net carbs, covered in Simply Inulin melted 70% dark chocolate. One suffices, as it is the exact amount of bites you need to apply my CHIC BITE RULE (3 bites: 1 to say BONJOUR, 2 to ENJOY it, 3 to say AU REVOIR )

FRIDAY 

♡ Breakfast

I will intermittent fast again, as I often have a morning work-out scheduled on Fridays (btw working out on an empty stomach is key to make sure I burn fat for fuel and dig into my reserves). So I’ll have my Simply Inulin Coffee.

♡ Lunch

Same set up and scenario as the day before—

Appetizer: I’ll have a French string bean salad with a light French vinaigrette dressing and tomato cubes.

I will probably skip the wine for lunch today- There is that French je ne said quoi about intuitive moderation.

Main Course: A filet of sol meunière (it’s a light French sauce with lemon and a dot of butter), served with seasonal veggies and a tiny bowl of potato purée or a bit of Ebly (buckwheat rice substitute often served in nice restaurants)

Dessert: Depending on how I feel I may have a café gourmand, which is an espresso served with the restaurant’s best desserts served in tiny bites. Chic Bite Rule makes it totally worth it and has no impact on the waistline.

♡ Dinner

Main Course: Strips of chicken, grilled shawarma style (with my Simply the Best Spice), with my homemade hummus (as a dip), and a side of my Mediterranean – Israeli salad (Tomatoes – I always remove the skin, cucumber, olives, red onions, lots of lemon juice and some olive oil, and mint ) – I may serve some french-fry like sweet potatoes grilled in the oven with a dash of olive oil and garlic powder (we usually have 2-3 pieces each to satisfy the itch).

Salad: My ASPARAGUS SEXY SALAD, with my French truffle vinaigrette, and seasoned with mixed seeds and herbs.

Dessert: I also always have some of my Simply Inulin Truffle balls dipped in matcha, pistachio or cocoa powder (prep is similar to the praline buttercups). 

SATURDAY

 Yay to the freaking week-end !

♡ Breakfast

I never ever intermittent fast on week-ends as breakfast is a privileged time with my kids, where we get to hang out in the kitchen and prepare fun food, and have a lengthy breakfast and chats.

I’ll make my Simply Inulin Pain Perdu aka French Toast Brioche (it’s gluten free, flour free and low carb and it’s a food with health benefits).

And I’ll have my Homemade Simply Kefir COCONUT lactose-free PROBIOTIC yogurt (which I prepare myself from our Simply Kefir Grains and ferment at home). It has 18 to 58 billion live probiotic populations, it’s amazing for the gut, and if the scientific saying that WEIGHT LOSS is in the gut is true, then this is definitely the secret weapon. It’s delicious, and because of its probiotic properties, it satiates me faster than a commercial yogurt.

I will often prepare some eggs on the side with Simply Inulin in them for added fiber. And have literally a bit of everything (the size of the palm of my hands)

Of course I will wash it all down with my Simply Inulin coffee because I crave it every morning from the second I wake up.

♡ Lunch 

Usually it will be a bit later, like 2pm. We will go to the sea port and have a salade niçoise (and no I wont remove the eggs), and share a bruschetta (it’s a sort of Italian bread with fresh tomatoes and melted mozzarella cheese). It’s the week-end; I have no problems consuming bread when I feel like it, especially when I have time to digest it, but it’s all in moderation so sharing is key.

I may have a frozen yogurt, or just skip dessert.

♡ Snack

NO SNACK AT ALL –But if it’s a rainy Saturday afternoon and I’m at home watching a movie, I’ll sit and meticulously pit some dates and fill them with a pecan nut and eat my little date/pecan sandwich (2-3 are more than enough and it’s healthy. Yes dates are healthy and so are pecans).

♡ Dinner

Usually on Saturday nights we go out to dinner. That means I will have access to some of my favorite foods.

Appetizer: I will have a shared plate of lobster pasta (and in the restaurant the pasta is fresh here in the south of France, which makes all the difference in digestion). We usually ask for 2 salad-sized plates and we share. It’s best as an appetizer, as it is a great way of not relying on a non-nutritious food to satiate my hunger. Instead I satisfy my craving and feel happy.

Main Course: (The Plat de Resistance)- The source of nutrition part of the meal and the most important.

I’ll have grilled Camerones (big shrimps) with garlic and parsley, served with petites legumes (young veggies, little peppers, little zucchini flowers) and a Sauce Diablo (which is a classic French compound sauce made from a demi-glacé flavored with shallots, white wine, vinegar, fine herbs, English dry mustard or French Dijon mustard, black pepper and cayenne pepper and garnished with parsley). 

♡ Dessert

I’ll have a French pastry (usually I share with Gil, and I’m completely satisfied following my CHIC BITE RULE), lemon meringue or a praline pastry called Paris-Brest. Unless we are at La Petite Maison in Nice (where we took Lauryn and Michael to lunch when they came to visit us), in which case I’ll share the white chocolate mousse and wild strawberries (if in season).

Now, it does seem like I do eat well right? And I don’t count calories… that’s because I’m completely unscathed at the thought of eating REAL FOOD. Sweet potatoes and olive oil don’t scare me. I view them as food with benefits and I eat them with intuitive moderation and without any guilt. Taking the stress out of eating real food, is the well-known French-nonchalance … aka low cortisol levels, aka better digestion and less inclination to create stressful hormonal issues that cause insulin resistance and midsection weight gain for the most disciplined dieter and salad-only eater.  

Taking your time to eat, minding your environment (noises, soothing lighting, pleasant company), paying attention to your posture, keeping forearms on the table, holding both fork and knife at all times during the process, and taking moments to enjoy the company and conversation with your table mates, can take inches of your waist. It’s a FACT otherwise known as the French paradox.

♡♡♡

Once again, THANK YOU Ingrid for coming on the blog!

If you guys want to know more about Ingrid you have to check out her episode on the Him & Her Podcast. She really gets into the nitty gritty of her life, & let me tell you, it’s TRÈS INTERÉSSANT. She talks prison, divorce, hardships, & how she came out on the other side.

If you want to read Ingrid’s other guests posts, I got you covered:

Check out all of Ingrid’s other posts on TSC:

♡ Wet & Dry Muscles

♡ 10 French Wellness Tips

♡ Skinny Rice, Fiber & Why Scales Lie

SHOP THE POST

Source: https://www.theskinnyconfidential.com/what-where-how-french-girls-eat/