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antigonies · 6 years

Text

Summer highlights

I haven't found the right words for a while, but I especially don’t know how to do justice to this summer. Everything seems to have happened. But if I don't actually force myself to write something down now, I never will.

It all started still in Paris, with C and J inexplicably ignoring me whenever I mentioned planning a trip. And then the uncertainty of whether or not I would be hired to work in England again, something I had been looking forward to all year round, but I somehow decided that I would not get hung up on it, and believe that whatever happened was meant to happen.

The second day after flying home, C picks me up for lunch. Her hair is so short you can somewhat see her scalp, but she looks as lively and happy as usual. Meeting B at the restaurant, 10 minutes later, C tells us that she has been diagnosed with lymphoma. She did not tell us before because we live abroad and wanted us to see that she was ok. I manage to not cry then. But B reveals that the reason she was home early this year is that she woke up one day not remembering anything, covered in bruises; according to her roommates, she came home crying and screaming hysterically. She thinks she may have been drugged but none of us dare to talk about what we all are thinking. Heartbreak upon heartbreak. Holding my friends' hands, hugging them, crying on the lunch table. 'We are too young to live through this, aren't we?', except no one actually says it, knowledge that tragedy has been happening to us already and will continue to happen. I want to never be away from them again. (I remember having written something about C back in January, something about how "I would not want to live in a world were she doesn't exist". Did I know, somehow? Does love do this to you, worrying always so much that you breathe your fears into life? I have long suspected that dreams, sometimes, are small windows into the future.)

Everything blurry after, hours of just sitting in J's car listening to him talk about the first boy he's ever really liked; going to a pride event (in honor of Garcia Lorca, my heart) with him and C; driving lessons, endlessly, my anxiety getting the best of me. Stopping a class just to call C to check if she needs help with her birthday party.

I'm clingier than most nights. C, tired of hugging me, points at this friend of hers, L, and says, half-jokingly: "He can cuddle with you". Fast forward an hour later and I'm grabbing him and kissing him in the dark of C’s front porch, clumsy and a little desperate. This may have nothing to you with you. I don’t even need to see you again, to be honest.

C and I dress up and surprise J at his graduation. He spots us in the crowd and just shouts "¡Cabronas!", which we take to mean, "I love you with all my heart". Taking cute pictures of C and her ex, because the love is still there, albeit a bit changed; everything transformed into something else.

Is this guy seriously texting me? Are we making conversation now? At first, I'm just being polite, but very quickly I'm laughing wholeheartedly at his jokes and sending him pictures of my favourite artwork at this exhibition from which C, B and I almost got kicked out because we were laughing too hard. Cheap food and two huge pints of cheap drinks later, all three of us are spilling secrets we never thought we'd share. Mocktails after because C is not supposed to drink, talking about everything we have survived in turning from girls into women, all the traumas we've fought and will keep fighting. You never know when one of the best nights of your life can happen. This is one of them.

The best nights of my life just keep piling onto each other, like the time C and I go to see 'Love Simon' and have only fries for dinner (just like when we were thirteen), then singing our hearts out to Cristina Aguilera, thinking "this is the happiest I've been in months, maybe years, and also, I love you so, so much".

Purposely forgetting France, but also everyone I love there. Finding out that it is impossible to be present everywhere and for everyone. That perhaps you'll always be missing somewhere.

Telling my parents about J's new boyfriend and half-accidentally coming out as bi to them in the same breath. Getting just a surprised comment and then the insinuation that I'm just doing it to be like my friends. Being too scared, or too tired, or too indifferent to tell them my story, so there we are, after a brief moment of silence, at the sushi restaurant, middle table, arguing way too loud over something 'completely unrelated' that has obviously everything to do with It. Still feeling lighter after, somehow, not having to constantly look over my shoulder.

Talking to L about whether of not he should come out to his parents, too, him telling me about this boy he likes in his hometown, me telling him about how this girl keeps ghosting me. This is what my parents were scared of, I guess. This freedom. And this is just the midsummer. The only poems I care about are about the sun.

Sending C flowers after her last chemotherapy session, thinking the worst has passed already. She keeps getting weaker, though, her smile still on, but needing days of sleep. We've all become used to planning our weeks around her good days, that is, always after Wednesdays. When she starts coughing too much, though, she is admitted at the hospital, the same week we were all supposed to go partying again. The little room inside the patient area where her bed is smells of antimicrobial gel even, with the mask on.

When she tells me not to come visit the next day, my heart feels so heavy in my chest that I must find a way to distract myself from all this. Texting a former friend I am just getting back into contact with after two years since our falling out. "Hey, are you going to the fair? I really need to go out". Oh, L is coming too. Only half-flirting, we share whatever drink he was having and I ask him about his crush; the reply makes me laugh because it may have been more than I bargained for. Of course, an hour later, we're making out at the Cuban bar after I just put lipstick on his ex. We didn't know how to dance when the night started, but we're getting better now, or more oblivious. He asks me to take him to the city center somewhere, just the two of us. I show him the best view of the city, we get breakfast together, I tell him about how the character I relate to the most is Sabina from The Unbearable Lightness of Being, because she always wants to flee, always looking for something somewhere else. He doesn't understand why I ask the things I'm asking, why I talk about loving my friends so much but seem to hate romance. I really don't know, man, I have a doctor's appointment. Straight from the party, I fix my smeared mascara and sit patiently in the waiting room for her to tell me about my blood. Unable to sleep, then, I think I'm experiencing my first hangover. The second night, the other guy in the group points out he's the only one there who hasn't had anything with L, so of course we all chant for them to kiss. Everyone is and is not tired. I don’t go home when he does because I want to keep dancing. No one knows where this is coming from. Not even me. I just want to forget myself a bit, I think.

I seriously don't know which day it is, at this point, or what happened before or after. J's birthday, with very inappropriate presents that we wanted to give him so badly. I keep re-writing C's poem but my handwriting is never pretty enough, never the perfect gift. I have, somehow, not argued with my parents in almost a month. I say I feel like a different person, and C acquiesces. My friends in France wonder where I am, what I have been doing.

I go online while half-asleep one night and seem to read that Marta (@tosfumarewords) is leaving tumblr, something with which I cannot deal at that point and I hope I just misread, trying to go back to sleep. Wondering how I can be so sad over losing someone I have never met in real life, but frankly I am too depressed about it to log on again and find out if it's really happening, and why.

Everyone is going back to studying, so I am alone more. I don't want to be alone. I also don't want to think about it. J takes me up to the mountain to go stargazing. I don't think I could be more in love with the night sky, or with the moment we cuddle in the backseat of his car, telling him about how I don't want to die anymore, although maybe I would not have chosen to be born, not yet anyway. The clouds have come by now but it doesn't matter. We softly hum to the radio on our way down.

At my grandparent's village, the familiar routine of getting to know old friends again and being too afraid to ask about the war-full past marks the beginning of the end of the summer.

I've started to reread the bad literature of my teenage years over which C and I first bonded over. She is too busy to go out now, back into the hustle. I talk to B about relationships, how they seem to be in a language that is foreign and distant to me. She asks me to let her and her friend sleep at my house in Paris in November, and of course, everyone is welcome to come. The same day, L tells me he is getting tickets to come visit the city. I guess everything happens at once.

This, the first time I write anything new in months, and now it's five pages long, three hours later. I apparently don't know how to do anything in moderation. Getting ready for new farewells, again, and already, things that seemed to be over come back. Reunions on the horizon. Nothing ever leaves completely. Everything transformed into something else. Even summer, time, even me.

#just a very rough stream of consciousness for those of you who wondered where i'vebeen #tbd #don't reblog #about me #personal #alcohol tw #food tw #cancer tw #abuse tw

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twistedstorm · 7 years

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All of the questions for the most recent ask meme you reblogged. The one you said in the tags you really liked.

Oh your god I love you dear anon for sending this!

Here we go:

1. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called? Sassy, Champ, sissy, princess, sweetie pie, sarwhale, about a million others because most of my family uses nicknames for me. In real life I mostly go by Sarah or Seth but as you know on here I go by Zeta and prefer Ze or ZZ to anything else and honestly if it wasn’t for the fact that almost nobody in my real life would call me ZZ or Zeta I would go by those names in real life too probably.

2. What books on your shelf are begging to be read? The entire Infernal Devices series, Styxx, Mark of Athena, Born of Fire, Magnus Chase, about a hundred more…

3. How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like? I doodle constantly. My doodles vary from little stick figure comics to weird shapes to just various lines filling up empty spaces and weird hearts and coffins and skulls and eyes…a lot of eyes….I really like eyes…oh and a tiny demon smiley face thing that I’ve been drawing forever.

4. What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive? Well if I’m being honest I read, watch movies, imagine elaborate dream scenarios, or masturbate. Any combination of those four usually puts me to sleep. If none of those work I get up and get dressed and eat because there’s no point in trying after all that.

5. How many days could you last in solitary confinement? How would you do it? Probably about four, if I had my ipod I could last at least seven. I’d just daydream or write and listen to music and dance and talk to myself or my characters in my head until I got bored, it’d be the boredom that drove me crazy honestly.

6. Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away? I’m a sentimental pack rat so I save everything from movie tickets to pressed flowers to paper wristbands to gift tags. I have most of my old birthday/Christmas cards from after I turned 10 just in random places all over my room.

7. Who is the biggest pack rat you know? Me, my grandma is a close second though.

8. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost? I don’t go to parties much but the few I’ve been to I always arrive with a friend and then stick to them like glue for the rest of the night or hiding in a corner texting someone about how I wanna go home…or if I’m drinking I end up dancing and befriending people by accident because drunk/tipsy me is funny and sometimes flirty (as long as a I keep my clothes on I’m happy though)

9. What is your strongest sense? If you had to give one up, which would it be? Probably hearing or smell I’d say. I actually have really sensitive ears and can hear insanely high frequencies (like dog whistles) and I can pick up tiny little bits of smells for a long time (especially when I’m really hormonal, hormones make it so much worse. Seriously if it’s shark week I can smell everything and I will end you if you smell like something awful and you stand near me) although I’m allergic to body sprays and perfume and anything like that which really sucks….Anyway if I had to lose a sense….I can’t pick one….sorry but the idea of losing one really messes with my head so I’m not gonna think about it..

10. How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror? Lots….I used to do it to pint out my flaws to myself but now it’s usually because I think I look good and I like to see it to remind myself that I’m gorgeous just the way I am

11. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child? That there was a tiny leprechaun in the vent in my bathroom ceiling….That’s the weirdest thing I can think of right now but there was probably weirder ones honestly….wait I know! I believed I was a straight monogamous cis girl for a really long time as a kid! That’s pretty weird for me seeing as how none of those things were right at all!

12. What is one guilty pleasure you enjoy too much to give up? Boyband/Cheesy pop music and the Twilight movies/books, I love them and I will always love them no matter how awful and stupid they are.

13. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know? I dunno….my mom’s pretty good about that stuff….but so are most of my friends….yeah I can’t pick so my mom and my friends all tie for it

14. How often do you read the newspaper? Which paper? Which sections? Never

15. Which animals scare you most? Why? Geese or flying insects or Goliath birdeater tarantulas or tiny spiders because every time I see any of these I am convinced that I am going to die and it will be because of them.

16. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on? Both but avoidance is slightly more likely as I am afraid of conflict to the very core of my being and am bad at facing it unless I’m facing it for someone else’s sake.

17. What was the most recent compliment you’ve received and savoured? I dunno….one of my best friends told me he missed hanging out with me and that made me almost cry because I’m a big fucking nerd so there’s that one…I could think of more but I’mma just say that one for now

18. What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will? I’m still hoping for pyro or hydro kinesis or shapeshifting….or the ability to have a backbone and talk about my feelings like a properly functioning human

19. Are you a creature of habit? Explain. Yes, I like my routines and I get really weird without them and will probably do them until I die

20. Are you high maintenance? Explain. I genuinely dunno, like maybe? Maybe not? I dunno

21. When was the last time you really pushed yourself to your physical limits? When I walked for nearly three hours out of boredom and my calves hurt so bad that I could barely stand anymore like four days ago

22. Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why? I have a small group of carefully chosen friends and many acquaintances but I prefer my small friend group because I like small groups and my friends are my favorite people on earth so I justreally love being with them.

23. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others? Both probably, like yeah I could probably take over the world alone but I’d be bored and lonely and it’d be so much easier and so much more fun with my nerds beside me

24. What’s a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone? I share my weird experiences with everyone honestly so I can’t really think of anything…I guess I could go with the thing where sometimes the air from my fan in my room will hit my hears wrong and it always sounds like a creepy voice saying my name and it terrifies me so much that I sleep with a blanket over my ears so I don’t have to ever deal with it again.

25. What do you think about more than anything else? Right now it’s love/relationships/friendships. Specific to two people actually. I think about the possibilities for me and those two people and our relationships with each other and others and how everything is gonna work out and what I can do to help everything work out well and if we’re gonna be happy one day. Oh and how happy we’ll be if it works out the way I’m hoping because even my tarot cards say that it’s gonna be good :)

26. What’s something that amazes you? How much me and my life has changed in just the last year and how much more it;s gonna change in the coming times

27. Do you prefer that people shoot straight with you or temper their words? Why? I’d rather people shoot straight with me, I can handle painful truth but I cannot deal with lies or sugar coating. Just say you’ve got to say and we’ll deal with it after.

28. Where’s your favourite place to take an out-of-town guest? I have never had an out of town guest so I don’t know

29. What’s one thing you’d rather pay someone to do than do yourself? Why? My laundry, I hate it. It’s tedious and boring and I loathe doing it.

30. Do you have a catchphrase? I have a few actually: “So that happened” “I’ll eviscerate you with a shrimp fork” “Go fuck a cactus/ Get fucked by a cactus” “I’m not drunk enough for this” “In other news/On an unrelated note/wanna hear something weird” “I am a child” “The last living thing inside of me just died” “He can’t help you now” in response to anyone who says Jesus Christ and “I only have three feelings: Hungry, horny, and angry” are some of my favorites.

31. What’s your reaction towards people who are outspoken about their beliefs? What conditions cause you to dislike or, conversely, enjoy talking with them? I’m outspoken so I think it’s good as long as you know the difference between stating your opinion and being a bigoted or judgmental asshat who says shitting awful things and claims that it’s fine because you’re just “stating your opinion”. I do enjoy talking about different points of view though as long as the person I’m talking to is respectful of my beliefs (because I will make damn sure to be respectful of theirs) so we can have a civil and interesting conversation.

32. How and where do you prefer to study? Never and nowhere, I’m really bad a studying so I just don’t (or rather didn’t because I’m not in school anymore)

33. What position do you sleep in? On my back or either side, usually all three at some point during the night

34. What’s your all-time favourite town or city? Why? My own, so Calgary. Mostly because I grew up here and have never really been too many other places long enough to get attached

35. What are the top three qualities that draw you to someone new? Sense of humor, love of similar or the same fandoms (excellent way to make friends), talking to me first cause I’m a pansy.

36. How has your birth order/characteristics of siblings affected you? I’m the youngest of two, it’s mostly just made me want to beat my brother up but I feel like lots of people feel that way so I guess other than being called a “baby sister” and sometimes being treated like a total incompetent dumbass or pansyass crybaby for being younger it’s pretty much a whatever thing

37. If you could eliminate one weakness or limitation in your life, what would it be? I’d stop running away from my feelings and really say what was on my mind to a few certain people….also I’d have shapeshifting because it would totally help so much

38. If you could restore one broken relationship, which would it be? Me and my dad or me and my mom or me and my brother or me and my sister, take your pick, they’re all fucked up in one way or another, some worse than others

39. If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to? Zeta, without a doubt

40. Do you believe ignorance is bliss? Why or why not? In a way yes and in a way no. Personally I would rather know and understand thing sin my life than not know but I also have days where I wish I could be a dumbass five year old again and not know how fucked up this world is so I could be totally worry free and happy for another five minutes

41. What do you consider unforgivable? A few things, cheating on me or heavily lying to me are pretty high up there for me or saying awful shit about me to other people to try and fuck me over is pretty bad too (also things like rape and hate crime obviously but I wanted to focus more on my own personal unforgivable stuff) and there’s more but I wanna be positive.

42. Have you forgiven yourself for past personal failures? Why or why not? I’ve been working on it, it’s been hard and it’s gonna continue to be hard but I’m getting there slowly. I kinda figure if I can work on forgiving others I should be able to forgive myself too

43. How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologize? I wish I could say nearly impossible but I’m kind of a pushover and I sometimes forgive too easily when I shouldn’t…Hell half the time I’ll just make up some excuse for the person in my head and pretend that they apologized instead of waiting for them to apologize because I know they won’t

44.Do you hold any convictions that you would be willing to die for? Sure, I don;t feel like listing them but there are a few

45. To what extent do you trust people? Explain. Either too much or not at all and it’s almost never the right choice for the right person (sometimes I get lucky and I end up with amazing friends in my life whom I trust with all of me and whom I would kill and die for)

46. In what area of your life are you immature? Most of them honestly. Like I’m a dumbass kid in the body of a tiny adult but I’m smart and I’m aware of what I know and what I don’t know and I like to learn new things and new views on life and I’m capable of defending my opinions on things and debating intelligently and being a reasonable adult but I’m also a dumbass kid who likes playing on swings and playing grounders and jumping in puddles so you take your own conclusions from this.

47. What was the best news you ever received? I dunno….hearing anyone say that care about me/like me/love me/are thinking about me is collectively the best news cause I crave that validation and affection

48. How difficult is it for you to be honest, even when your words may be hurtful or unpopular? It can be difficult but I’m always striving to be an honest person which means I’m going to tell people the truth but I understand the difference between the truth and being an asshole to someone so while I won’t sugarcoat my words I will phrase them in such a way that I’m not needlessly hurting someone

49. When did you immediately click with someone you just met? Why? What was the long term result? Conversely, are you close with anyone now that you really disliked at first? Most of my best friends. I met one of them first day of grade 10 in drama and that was it, we were friends and we’re still friends now (fuck I fell in love with him in fact because we clicked so well). Sometimes it just happens and when it does I usually try my hardest to keep the person around me because I think if we clicked then we were meant to be in each others lives one way or another.

50. When do you find yourself singing? Always, I sing everywhere and anywhere for no reason. I just love to sing and I hate keeping it in.

Thank you again lovely anon for sending this in! This was super fun and I loved answering all these questions so much!

Feel free to send me in more asks! Ask meme related or otherwise!

~ZZ

#ZZ answers stuff

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