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sirbizlow · 7 years

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Monologue Jokes #52

Collection of jokes I’ve written over the past two months on ComedyWire, Pitch, and Twitter.

Each day of this presidency is more destructive than the last. I'm waiting for Johnny Knoxville to pull off his Trump mask to reveal this was all part of Jackass 4.

A southeast Texas alligator sanctuary is on alert as floodwaters threaten to unleash hundreds of gators. If I learned anything from Disney, we all be safe as long as we listen for the tick tock of a clock and don't kill any lost boys.1

Scientists say climate change will likely kill off the human race within a generation. But if we all put enough effort into it, we can end this thing a lot sooner.

SAMPLE ONION HEADLINE: Religious Cult Leader Turns Out to Not Be An All Around Good Guy

SAMPLE ONION HEADLINE: Guam Features New Tourism Site: Nuclear Wasteland Amusement Park!

A couple caught having sex in parking lot was also busted for identity theft. It was tough when both realized the other was not the person they thought they were.

A new study shows that bald men are more confident, attractive, and dominant than guys with hair. This study completed by VERY HONEST bald men.

Rex Tillerson urges the public remain calm on North Korea, saying there is no imminent threat. In response, Trump tweeted, "Tillerson best not make any more disagreements with me or he'll be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen!"

Scientists in Japan invented ice-cream that doesn't melt. It's called cold pudding.

Trump is reportedly ‘acting sharper in meetings’ to impress John Kelly, the new Chief of Staff. He looked suspiciously like John Kelly but that might have just been the odd new mustache the President had.

It’s reported that 125 miles of coastline could add $4 billion and 35,000 jobs to Saudi Arabia’s economy. This news helped support Republican's latest platform - Global Warming IS GOOD for the economy.

Farmers in Texas found a calf that looks like rocker Gene Simmons. And according to the farmer, the calf's got quite the tongue too.

A South Texas school district approved policy including paddling as punishment. Everything is bigger in Texas, including traumatic childhood memories.

It’s been reported that Trump and Putin had another, undisclosed conversation at G20. But couples should really keep pillow talk between themselves.

This week, the President announced he will be looking to reduce the size of government, likely due to the lack of available Nazis to fill existing positions.

A southeast Texas alligator sanctuary is on alert as floodwaters threaten to unleash hundreds of gators. Even worse, as standard Texans, the gators obtained their licenses to carry.

Scientists say climate change will likely kill off the human race within a generation. Unless we all have guns to protect ourselves.

Elon Musk calls on the government to ban the use of killer robots. He demands that he be the only one. The only killer robot.

Taco Bell’s new breakfast taco has a fried egg for the taco shell. The perfect breakfast after a night of drinking that led to you falling asleep outside a Taco Bell.

A female bodybuilder keeps getting mistaken for Jennifer Lopez. But no, that does not make her boyfriend Ben Affleck and her boyfriend needs to stop trying to make that joke.

A pot company bought a ghost town to turn it into a pot-tourism destination. Once all the potheads are there, there'll be the same amount as activity.

Trump is reportedly ‘acting sharper in meetings’ to impress John Kelly, the new Chief of Staff. And he had a fashionable ear piece in the whole meeting, raising his fingers to it every now and then.

In a recent article, the New York Post declared "Boobs Trendy Again!" This is the first headline released under the Post's newest Chief Editor, Rickie Lewis, a 12 year old boy from Long Island.

In his current trial, O.J. Simpson claimed "I would Never Pull A Weapon On Anybody.” And everyone in the courtroom, including OJ, shared a great laugh.

Chris Christie caught a foul ball at a Mets game, and got booed by entire stadium. It's the last time Christie tries to have a snack at Shea Stadium.

BBC published the pay of its top stars, revealing a gender pay gap. Stars! They're just like us!

A mother in the midwest is livid after her son was covered in poop while playing in the McDonalds playpen. She added "I brought my son to McDonald's not to play in crap, but to eat it!"

After being elusive about his support for Trumpcare, John McCain voted down the bill in the Senate this week. Proving once again that McCain is your absentee father who keeps getting you to love him again with over-the-top extravagant presents.

Anthony Scaramucci, Trump’s latest Communications Director and native Long Islander, was fired this week. To be fair, The Mooch's tenure of nearly 11 days lasted longer than most Long Island relationships.

James Comey was fired by President Trump this week. When James Comey turns up dead, floating in the Hudson,well, then we got a movie.

At a recent Press Briefing, Sarah Sanders read a letter from a 10-year-old boy who was offering to help around the White House. Kids often offer to help out around the house when they see adults fucking everything up.

I don't care about any rules except Ja Rule!

There's been more class in the McGregor/Mayweather fight build-up than in the entire Trump presidency.

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