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xxx-cat-xxx · 5 years

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New Beginning

While recovering from the injuries sustained during Civil War, Tony becomes addicted to morphine. In typical Stark fashion, he decides to quit cold turkey and deal with the withdrawal symptoms on his own. Fortunately, Bruce won’t let that happen.

As requested, here is the tumblr version! This is an AU in which Bruce returns to earth after Civil War. Pepper and Tony still haven’t made up, but everything else is roughly the same.

TW for mentions of drug abuse. Angst and Whump and lots and lots of Hurt/Comfort in the second half. Thanks to @whumphoarder and @sallyidss for beta reading.

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The front doors of the compound open with a bit of a squeak. It leaves Bruce to wonder whether no one has realised, or whether the two remaining permanent inhabitants simply don’t care enough to fix it.

“Welcome, Dr. Banner,” FRIDAY greets him.

Bruce startles a bit at the sudden voice. He’s visited the compound quite a few times during the three months since his return to earth, but it’s easy enough to forget the existence of AIs when his own shabby apartment still doesn’t have a working WiFi connection.

“Hello, FRIDAY,” he replies. “Uhm, who all is home?”

Initiating a conversation with the AI makes him nearly as uncomfortable as initiating one with an actual human being, but it would take the better part of an hour to check all the rooms of the compound, and he’s not keen on experiencing the despondent feeling he would get upon seeing most of them empty.

“Only Boss. Colonel Rhodes left for Florida for his long-term treatment and is not expected to return before next week. Boss arrived home from his weekly meeting with Peter Parker at noon and has been in the upstairs bar ever since.”

“Could you let him know that I’m here? He should have gotten my message, we, uhm, had plans.”

“Of course, Dr. Banner.”

Bruce is looking forward to “doing crazy science” (Tony’s words) with his friend. Most of his time nowadays is spent alternating between attending yoga classes, seeing a therapist, and trying to establish a routine for himself. Returning to a planet where a year has passed for everyone else, just to find that his only friends had not only split up, but done so in a violent way, wasn’t exactly helpful for getting resettled on earth.

Bruce sets down his backpack in his own room. He has never gotten a chance to use it, but he is touched by its existence, by the fact that Tony, while planning the compound, seems to have been so sure he’d return one day. He changes into a comfortable sweater and grabs a lab coat. Now it’s onto science.

“FRIDAY, is Tony already in the lab?” he questions.

“I am afraid Boss is busy and won’t be able to join you for the experiment,” she reports.

“What?” Bruce looks up in confusion.

“I said that Boss is busy and-”

“No, I got you, FRIDAY, just…”

This is weird. Tony has been looking forward to this nearly as much as Bruce, as he was the one who first suggested measuring the half-life of the alien element that Bruce accidently brought with him from Sakaar.

“Uhm, he’s still in the bar?” Bruce asks tentatively.

“Yes, Dr. Banner.”

Bruce waits for an elaboration, but none is forthcoming. He really misses JARVIS. The old AI would always find a way to let him know what was going on, even if Tony had instructed him otherwise.

Bruce makes his way to the upstairs bar, getting lost only once along the way in the huge building. He finds Tony sitting slumped over at the counter, head resting on his folded arms. There is no drink next to him, no tablet in his hand, no rock music playing.

“Tony?”

The engineer turns his head a little when Bruce sits down on the stool next to him, but the hood of his sweatshirt is keeping his face in the shadows.

“I, uhm, hi,” Bruce begins. When no reply comes, he continues. “We were going to check our theories about the Sakaarium’s rate of decay, you remember?”

“I’m busy,” Tony mumbles into his sleeve.

“You don’t look busy...”

Tony doesn’t respond.

“You were with the kid this morning, right?” Bruce tries to change the topic.

“Yeah,” Tony answers in a brisk voice. “What do you want, Bruce?”

“I - I thought we were going to take the measurements?”

“I told you, I’m busy. Told FRIDAY, actually. There was no need for you to come up here.”

“Okay, what’s going on?” Bruce asks, slightly exasperated.

“You can just send me the data later. Easier that way.” Tony’s tone is almost hostile now.

Bruce tries very hard not to let his self-confidence slip away, but it’s futile. Maybe he overestimated the importance of their work to Tony. Their friendship has been a bit tense lately, with Bruce rationally knowing that the other man doesn’t blame him for going away, but still not being able to not feel guilty for his absence during Tony’s fallout with Steve.

“Okay, then I’ll just - go and do the experiment on my own.” He tries to keep his tone neutral while getting down from the stool.

“Bruce.” Tony’s voice is quiet, unlike him. He lifts his head and finally Bruce can get a look at his face. Exhaustion is written all over his features. He looks sad, sort of lonely, but also distinctly ill. His eyes are red, his nose is running, and his normally tanned skin tone is now an unhealthy grey.

Bruce frowns. “Are you sick?”

Tony scoffs like he’s about to give a snarky comment, but then he seems to think better of it. “Morphine withdrawal, to be precise,” he admits with a sigh.

Bruce blinks at him. “You - what?”

“Yeah, funny isn’t it? And people always thought the alcohol would be the drug that kills me…” He lets out a bitter laugh.

“Tony, this…How did this happen?” Bruce immediately feels guilt bubble up inside him. How did he not notice? The Hulk stirs in the back of his mind and Bruce takes a deep breath to calm himself down.

“I’ve gotten in a little too deep since… since I came back,” Tony replies hesitantly. “Had, ehm, couple of bad injuries. My sternum was cracked, and I needed shoulder surgery, among other things. And then… guess it was just convenient. Drowning out the pain.”

He doesn’t say what kind of pain he is talking about, but Bruce has an idea that it’s more than just the aftereffects of the injuries.

“You...You didn’t tell anyone.” It’s a statement, not an accusation. Bruce has been carrying secrets around with him for so long that he would never judge anyone else for doing the same.

Tony shrugs. “I told you now, didn’t I? Can’t see you walking around with this sad puppy face of yours. Plus, I hate lying.” He squints and starts massaging the bridge of his nose. “Sorry about the experiment. You can go ahead without me. Give me a few days and I’ll look at the data afterwards.”

“Tony, you could easily afford the best detox in the world. There are people who specialise in this - they could work out a treatment plan, maybe give you methadone…you don’t have to do this cold turkey.”

“Not all problems can be solved with money.”

“But this might just be one where money can help.”

“I don’t want anyone else involved.”

Tony’s voice is a bit louder now, almost angry, but there is something else in it - shame, a feeling Bruce has always thought alien to Tony. But then, this is not partying, not sex, not drunk-crashing a new suit into the Hudson. There’s nothing glamorous about addiction.

“What about Rhodey?” he asks softly.

Tony just shakes his head, guilt creeping up in his eyes.

“Okay.” Bruce takes a deep breath. “Then I’ll stay with you.”

“Go do your experiment, Bruce”, Tony dismisses. “You’re not the type for this. Leave me alone.”

Translation: I don’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want to be a burden.

“No, I mean it. I can…” Bruce tries to think of a way that won’t have Tony refuse immediately. “I would feel better if I could at least take care of the medical side of things.” He hesitates a beat. “I won’t hover, I promise. I just don’t want you to do this alone.”

Another shrug. “You really don’t have to. Not gonna be pretty.” Brown eyes glance up at Bruce. They’re full of distrust, a slew of broken promises - and a flicker of hope.

“It’s okay,” Bruce assures.“I...I want to.”

Tony’s eyes hold his for a minute. Then, slowly, he nods.

Bruce doesn’t have to ask Tony why he agrees. He knows it’s not that Tony trusts him more than others; he doesn’t trust anyone, really. It’s not that Bruce is closer to Tony than Rhodey is. No, he agrees because he knows that Bruce isn’t a threat to him. It’s the same reason he once opened up about his PTSD. Because Bruce doesn’t judge, and Bruce would never use his knowledge against him.

“Okay, then.” Bruce takes a deep breath, mentally preparing a list of what he is going to need. He is not stupid, withdrawal isn’t a pony ride, and this isn’t going to be easy for either of them.

“Let’s go.” Tony gets up from the barstool, stumbling only a little.

Bruce frowns. “Where?”

“The experiment? We’ve waited for weeks to get these readings. Now that you’ve figured out what’s going on, might as well get some work done.”

“Tony, are you sure?”

“I figure I’ve got half a day until the worst of it starts, so let’s get to work.” He flashes a familiar grin at Bruce, who follows with a sigh.

“Care for a nap?” Bruce asks hopefully.

It’s four in the morning and they have been working non-stop for hours. Tony is trying hard not to let his discomfort show, but he’s sniffling constantly, a slightly haunted look in his eyes, and even his right hand is trembling now. Bruce has been trying his best to act normal too, making sure that Tony stays hydrated and eats something in between, and he’s attempted more than once to get his friend to sleep.

But the engineer just shakes his head, not even looking up from the tablet in which he is modelling the element’s other isotopes. “Go ahead, Brucie. I, uhm” - He rubs his dripping nose with the back of his hand - “distraction is good.”

The cravings must be worse than he’s letting on.

When Bruce keeps staring at him worriedly, Tony swivels his chair around and gives him a stern look. “Bruce, you promised not to hover. I hate hovering. Go to sleep.”

Bruce obeys, but he doesn’t want to leave Tony completely alone, so he stretches out on the couch. It’s the same one they used to have in the tower, judging by the very familiar scorch burn on the upholstery. The low hum of the laboratory equipment in the background and the sound of Tony tapping on this tablet are surprisingly soothing. Despite the lingering sense of worry and guilt, Bruce falls asleep quickly.

When he wakes up late next morning, Tony is still working.

“Hey, groundhog.” Tony wheels his chair around and rolls towards Bruce with a smirk.

Bruce sits up, groaning at the pain in his back that definitely didn’t approve of the idea of sleeping on the couch. He blinks the sleep out of his eyes and squints at Tony. “You didn’t...”

“Nah. I’m clean.” He looks worse, though. His brown eyes are slightly glassy, huge dark rings below them and a light flush to his cheeks.

“How are you feeling?” Bruce ventures.

Tony shrugs. “Been better, been worse.”

Bruce raises a hand to gauge his temperature, but Tony flinches away reflexively. That’s new - another souvenir from Siberia.

“Sorry.” Bruce drops his arm. “Are you running a temperature?”

“A little above a hundred,” Tony dismisses. There’s a sparkle in his eyes that could stem either from the fever or excitement. “Made a lot of progress on the Sakaarium while you were getting your beauty sleep. I’ll brew some coffee if you have a look at it.” He presses a tablet into Bruce’s hands.

Bruce sighs. “Tea, please.”

After studying the data (Tony wasn’t lying about making progress - Bruce doesn’t think anyone would be able to get this much done in a week even in full health), Bruce goes to take a shower and gather supplies that he has a feeling he is going to need later. By the time he’s done, it’s almost noon, so he cooks pasta for them - something easily digestible. Tony, now visibly less energetic than before, picks at the food with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.

“Do you want to lie down?” Bruce asks after he’s made Tony finish a small plate.

Tony shakes his head, trembling a little. He gets up gingerly, as if his whole body is hurting. “Let’s just...let’s get rid of it all.”

“The drugs, you mean?”

“No, Clint’s secret stash of Skittles. Of course the drugs.” It’s the first time he’s mentioned Clint since Bruce came back. It must have been an accident, because Bruce can see emotions swirling in Tony’s eyes just before he turns abruptly and walks out.

Bruce sighs. Tony has always been a notoriously hard person to talk to about personal topics, but since whatever happened in Siberia, it’s almost impossible to get anything out of him besides the constant stream of (increasingly cynical) sarcastic comments, the occasional remark about Peter Parker, and a never-ending flow of tech ideas. Bruce tried to carefully ask about the rest of the team a few times, but only got rapid topic shifts in reply. He still hasn’t worked up the courage to mention Pepper.

“Bruce?” Tony calls from the hallway.

“Coming…”

It takes longer than Bruce would have thought to get rid of all the pill bottles.

He knew that the compound was large, but he never thought about the sheer number of bathroom cabinets and kitchen shelves it contains. He doesn’t ask how Tony managed to get his hands on so many rations of morphine. He doesn’t ask why Tony felt the need to spread out his supply throughout all of the rooms. He tries not to think about Tony alone in the compound, wandering empty halls and sleeping off his highs in his former friends’ beds.

By evening, Tony is visibly shaking and ghostly pale except for the fever-flush of his cheeks. Bruce doubts they’ll be able to finish their task before his condition deteriorates.

“Just how many are there?” Bruce frowns, finding another pill bottle in a drawer in Sam’s old bedroom and throwing it into the garbage bag.

“Honestly? I don't know,” Tony replies from the medbay next door where he is bending over the medicine cabinet. “I reorder them every week, so they just kinda keep piling up. Funny, isn't it?” His tone is light, slightly ironic, but when Bruce catches a look at his face through the glass door, all he can read is pure self-loathing.

“Let’s take a break,” Bruce decides. He gets up stiffly and starts walking towards the common kitchen. “Tony?” he calls when the other man doesn’t follow.

“Just...coming.” Tony's voice sounds strained. The next moment, there is an audible thump and the sound of breaking glass. “Ow.”

Concerned, Bruce hurries into the room and finds Tony on his butt, a growing puddle of disinfection liquid soaking his pants. “What happened?”

“Nothing. Just wanted to, uh, sit down for a moment.” Tony’s face is sweaty and his eyes a little unfocused.

“Let me clean this up.” Bruce goes to grab a rag from the kitchen and returns to try to control the damage.

“Have you -” Tony cuts himself off, swallowing thickly. A hint of green has crept up his cheeks. He’s starting to tremble harder under his oversized sweatshirt.

“I think we should move to the bathroom,” Bruce states as calmly as he can.

“Yeah,” Tony says, swallowing again. “Agreed.”

It takes half an hour of shallow breathing and spitting into the toilet accompanied by less and less convincing jokes until Tony actually brings something up, but then he doesn't stop for a long time. Being a doctor, Bruce has ample experience seeing people vomit. Still, he can’t help but feel a little queasy himself when he watches Tony bring up everything he’s eaten over the past day before descending into dry retches.

“You ever had a hangover that makes you feel like your stomach is literally trying to evacuate your body?” Tony pants, slumping onto the toilet seat after another round of dry heaves. “Because that’s what this feels like.”

He discarded his t-shirt long ago and his whole upper body is shiny with sweat. Bruce can still see some of the fading bruises from the fight. Tony’s chest is a whole maze of scars, some still fresh from the operations he must have undergone after returning from Siberia.

“You know I don’t drink.” Bruce cringes when another heave wracks through Tony’s body.

“Yes, Brucie, atta boy - how could I forget?” he says upon surfacing.

Even through the worst of the nausea, Tony is keeping up something resembling small talk, but it’s getting harder and harder for him to hide the pain and fatigue on his face.

Bruce puts a wet cloth on the ground next to him and Tony takes it gratefully, wiping the sweat off his forehead and pressing his face into the coolness.

“Here.” Bruce offers a cup of water.

“Noooo,” Tony whines. “What’s the point?”

“You're dehydrating fast. And I was told it hurts less if there's something in your stomach.”

“Blatant lies.” Tony drinks, his face contorting into a grimace. “God.” He bends over the toilet bowl, waiting for the inevitable.

Bruce carefully lays a hand on his back, rubbing up and down and checking the fever. Tony is definitely running warmer now.

His breath hitches. Then the few sips of water he managed to swallow splash back into the bowl.

When Tony is done puking for the time being, Bruce suggests they shift to the bedroom, but Tony insists on moving back to the lab. He settles on the same couch Bruce slept on the previous night, listlessly moving holograms to and fro in the air above him. Bruce isn’t exactly sure what he’s working on, but he suspects that not much progress is being made. Still, as long as distraction seems to help, he chooses not to say anything.

After a while, Tony gets up again and shuffles towards the bathroom.

“You’re gonna be sick again?” Bruce asks.

Tony just shakes his head with a scrunched expression, then locks the door behind him. Bruce sighs, guessing what’s going on, and decides not to disturb. Instead, he gets up to brew a special mint and ginger tea with a lot of sugar that he puts into the fridge for later use.

Tony returns after a while, his mouth a tight line, and refuses the saltines and water Bruce pushes towards him. He’s looking worse than just hours ago, as if he’s been ill with the flu for weeks. He drops onto the couch, picks up the tablet, and holds it up in front of his face. Bruce suspects that he closed his eyes, since he isn’t even scrolling.

After a while, a holo screen next to Tony lights up. “You have a voice message from Peter Parker, Boss,” FRIDAY informs him. Bruce blinks in surprise. It’s late evening already. But then, teenagers are not exactly known for their regular sleep schedules.

The warm feeling he got upon realising that FRIDAY is programmed to directly pass on Peter’s messages vanishes when Tony tells the A.I. to ignore it.

“Are you sure?” Bruce asks before he can stop himself.

“I’ve got stuff to do.”

“But Tony, what if something happened?”

“His A.I. would have alerted me. This is nothing important.”

“Don’t you think -”

“Geez, Bruce, give it a rest. You’re not my PA, okay?”

“I’m sorry, I just -”

“I knew this was a bad idea. You shouldn’t be here.” Tony runs his shaking hands through his hair, looking more pathetic than actually angry. “I, I need a break. I need a shower.”

He pushes himself to his feet with visible difficulty and stomps off towards the bathroom.

Bruce shakes his head in confusion. Peter seems to be one of the few good things that have happened during the time Bruce was gone. The doctor mostly keeps to himself these days, but he has met Peter once or twice during their lab afternoons and was touched by how awkwardly paternal Tony acts around him. Ignoring his messages doesn’t fit into that schema at all.

The message on the screen is still blinking. Bruce’s curiosity, fueled by a little bit of defiance, gets the upper hand. “FRIDAY, can you play the message to me?”

“Yes, Dr. Banner. You have full security clearance for it.”

“Hey, uhm, Mr. Stark, it’s Peter,” the teenager’s high-pitched voice issues from the speakers. “I’m, uh...I just wanted to apologise again for yesterday in case, uh, in case I said anything wrong? I know that you’re busy and it was probably really dumb of me to ask you, I am so sorry, I should have thought about that before. It’s really just a stupid school thing, and, uhm, I really get it you don’t have time for that. I was just thinking because May said it’s a good idea… and because you seemed a bit...down lately, so I thought I’d invite you. Anyway, I just, I’m sorry if I upset you. Just, uh, I hope that we can meet next week in the lab? I got an idea for the suit upgrade that you suggested, so… Okay, that’s it, I guess. Good night, and, uh, sorry again.”

“Tony, what did you do?” Bruce exhales, sitting down heavily on the chair. He’s starting to get a pretty good idea of what’s going on. Another point added to the long list of things Tony Stark won’t talk about.

His thoughts are interrupted when he hears retching from the bathroom.

“Tony?” Bruce knocks hesitantly. He knows that the whole Internet has seen Tony Stark nude, and Tony probably doesn’t care, but Bruce is uncomfortable with the thought of walking in on him after showering.

The only reply is a non-committal noise. Bruce carefully opens the door, his chest going tight with worry when he sees Tony curled up on the bathroom floor next to the toilet, dressed only in a silk bathrobe, his forehead pressed against the base of the cold bowl. His hair is still damp from washing. All residual anger in Bruce is replaced with worry.

“Hey, Tony,” he says softly.

“Hey yourself,” Tony croaks.

“Let’s move you to the bed, okay?”

“Hurts,” Tony mumbles, not responding to the question. “‘s like my skin’s coming off.”

Bruce winces in sympathy. “You’re gonna be alright. Can you sit up?”

“‘m pathetic. You don’t - you really don’t have to - “

“It’s okay. I’m here, Tony, alright?” He crouches down and slowly puts his arms under Tony’s elbows to prop him up, feeling the heat coming off him in waves. He has a suspicion that part of the withdrawal is actually alcohol-related, which would explain the intensity of his symptoms. Tony flinches at the touch and starts to shiver violently.

“I-I’m gonna -” He gulps. Bruce guides him over the toilet bowl and holds him upright when he heaves, bringing up acidic smelling bile.

“You’ll be okay,” Bruce murmurs.

Tony huffs and pushes himself upright with visible effort. He rinses his mouth while steadying himself on the washbasin, then shuffles to the elevator that leads to the bedroom. Bruce follows with a trash can, the tea, and a sinking feeling in his gut.

Throughout the night, Tony gets steadily worse.

He doesn’t fall asleep, unable to get comfortable enough to rest. Instead, he tosses and turns on the bed, kicking the sheets off his sweaty body just to pull them up again minutes later when the chills wrack through him. The little bit of ginger tea Bruce manages to make him drink comes back up every time in painful bouts of vomiting. At some point, Bruce turns on the TV in the hope to provide some distraction, but Tony doesn’t seem able to focus.

When the night bleeds into morning, Tony is an anxious mess, going from incoherent rambling to sudden silence. His fever is still rising. He’s been calling for Pepper intermittently, regarding Bruce with large, confused eyes each time before remembering where he is.

Finally, in the late morning, he falls into a fitful sleep, more out of sheer exhaustion than anything else. Bruce leaves him alone for a few minutes for a hasty breakfast of cold, leftover pasta and a much-needed change of clothes. By the time he returns, Tony is mumbling in his sleep, his face lined with agony, small tremors running through him as his hands seem to clutch the bedsheets for dear life.

Bruce settles in the armchair next to the bed and reaches for Tony’s fingers, holding them tight, trying to provide what little comfort he can.

Bruce must have dozed off against his will, because what wakes him up in the late afternoon is the sound of Tony screaming. It’s neither an angry shout nor a quiet whimper. It’s low and guttural, reminding him more of a wounded animal than anything human. He’s witnessed many of Tony’s nightmares over the years they’ve shared a lab, with Tony falling asleep on the workbench after hours of trying to power through the exhaustion, just to wake up with a gasp and wetness in his eyes. But Bruce has never heard anything like this.

“Hey,” he soothes, his voice still hoarse from sleep. He squats next to the bed and lightly pats his friend’s elbow. “Tony, wake up.”

Tony's eyes open, his gaze panicked. His arms fly up to his head in a defensive posture, as if shielding himself from an attack.

“Tony? It’s okay, you’re okay. We're here, at the compound. You’re safe.”

Tony takes in the room, slowly seeming to recognise Bruce, and lets his hands drop down. He’s breathing heavily and far too fast. He clutches his chest, fingers digging into the scar tissue where the arc reactor used to be.

“You’re okay. You’re sick, but you’re safe.” It’s all Bruce can think of to provide reassurance.

“Gimme - minute,” Tony rasps, looking on the verge of a panic attack.

“Okay. I’ll get you some water.” He stands up to give Tony some privacy.

When he comes back, Tony’s eyes are half-closed and his breathing has calmed down, but that’s about all there is for good news. The fever, if anything, seems worse than before, and the shaking hasn’t let up.

Bruce reaches for his wrist and checks his pulse. It’s slightly irregular and a little too quick. Heart palpitations are normal for people going through withdrawal, but with Tony’s history of cardiac issues, Bruce can’t help but worry. He pinches Tony’s skin and frowns when the white doesn’t fade as quickly as it should. He hopes they won’t need an IV, but dehydration is starting to become problematic.

Bruce has to raise the cup to Tony's mouth in order to make him drink while the man follows him sluggishly with eyes that seem almost delirious. His face is slick with sweat. Bruce wets another washcloth and lays it over Tony’s forehead.

“Cold...”Tony flinches away, seemingly from something else than just the physical pain. His hand wanders to his chest again, and Bruce thinks he can make out some newer scars across the old ones. Tony slurs something and Bruce catches Steve’s name.

“Steve’s not here, alright? It’s just us, Tony. Please, have a bit more water...”

Tony shakes his head, his expression conveying fear, sadness, and guilt.

What happened in Siberia, Tony? Bruce thinks. What did Steve do to you? What did you do to each other?

“...Bruce?”

The doctor hears the voice while he’s busy cleaning out the trash can in the bathroom from the last vomiting episode, but if he hadn't known it was Tony, he wouldn’t have recognised it. It’s weak and scared and nothing about it seems to belong to Iron Man. Bruce quickly rinses the can and steps back into the room.

“Hey, I'm here,” he reassures, trying to keep the tiredness from his tone. Tony is much, much worse off, but two days with hardly any sleep are starting to take their toll on Bruce as well.

Tony is sitting on the edge of the bed, his whole body swaying, his eyes large and wet. “B-Big guy?”

“Yeah, it's me.”

“For a minute, I thought…” Tony stares at him, blinks, shakes his head and sways dangerously. “Never mind.”

Bruce is there in two large strides, sitting down next to the other man and offering his shoulder for support. “It's me. It's really me, I'm real, I promise. Okay?”

“Yeah.” Tony slumps into him, burying his face in his shoulder. First Bruce thinks that it's sweat that's soaking his shirt, or that Tony had thrown up on him. But then he hears the sobs, quiet and terrified.

“Oh, Tony.” Ordinarily Bruce is not a fan of physical contact, but he’s never had such a strong urge to hug someone as he does now. He pulls the other man to his chest, holding him, shielding him. “It's okay, you're gonna be okay.”

“'s not about me,” Tony whispers. “Every life I touch just falls apart.”

“That's not...that's not true, Tony. You did so much for me.”

I hadn't had a home in decades when you took me in. I hadn’t had anyone who knows what I am look at me without fear before I met you. He thinks of ways to vocalise the feeling, but Tony goes on, speaking so quietly that Bruce can hardly hear him. “I let the kid down.”

“What happened?” Bruce asks softly.

“He... He had a thing, a competition, from his college. Wan’ed me to come to Washin’ton this weekend. But I...he can’t know. So I, I snapped at him. Was...yesterday, maybe… I dunno. I felt like my father. I spent my whole life tryin’ to be someone else, just to find that ‘m no different. No different at all. And I don’t wanna…” he sobs, chokes. “And then… I had to stop, Bruce.”

And suddenly, Bruce understands. “You’re not your father. You are better, Tony. You’re doing your best.”

Tony weeps silently, Bruce holding him, until night bleeds into day.

“It hurts.” Tony is slumped over the trashcan after the latest fruitless attempt at keeping Bruce’s iced tea down. His eyes are bloodshot, his face haggard and his whole frame trembling. A trickle of bile falls into the receptacle. Bruce rubs his back, wishing he could find a way to ease the nausea, to take the pain away.

“I need-” Tony abruptly sits up straight, swaying as he does so.

“Tony, it’s alright. Everything’s okay. Just, lie down, okay?”

“No, you, you don’t understand, it hurts...I need my meds.”

“You don’t need anything. It will get better, you hear me? It will get better, I promise.”

And suddenly Tony is shouting. “You’re lying! Fucking get out! I don’t need you! I need - I need Pepper - I need a fucking painkiller!” His voice is hoarse from all the vomiting, and the shout is more of a croak than anything else, but it still hits Bruce unexpectedly.

Tony tries to get his feet under him. Bruce pushes him back down without thinking, realising his mistake a split-second too late.

There is no recognition in his eyes when Tony lashes out, barely missing the doctor. He is much too weak to do any real damage, but the Hulk is immediately alert, always ready to protect Bruce.

Bruce grits his teeth as he tries to force him back into his mind with sheer determination. This can’t happen, not now, not with Tony sick as a dog and unable to protect himself. Bruce sinks onto the bed, his knees feeling weak. All he can think is that Tony was right, that it was wrong to call Bruce, wrong to trust Bruce, because he is a monster after all.

He can feel the Hulk roaring in the back of his head, and then he’s hit with memories from a long time ago. His father, the row of bottles on the ground next to the armchair he would occupy on the days he didn’t go to work. Bruce in the hallway, and then the angry eyes turning on him, then the belt, the hands, the fear. His logical brain knows that it’s nonsense, that Tony is not drunk, that his father’s been dead for years, but the flashback is so strong that it takes his breath away for a few moments.

He slowly counts to ten in an effort to calm himself, keeping his eyes closed and listening to his own breaths pounding in his ears.

When he feels safe to open his eyes, Tony is sitting on the ground below him, looking on the verge of passing out.

“Okay.” Bruce forces himself into a calm tone despite the emotions churning in his stomach. “Can you stand up if I help you?”

“I need...it really hurts, Bruce. I need a pill.”

“You can’t have any drugs. That’s why we’re doing this, Tony, remember? Remember Peter?”

There's pain in his eyes, then his body flattens, the energy bleeding out. Tony sways on the spot until Bruce kneels down next to him, wraps an arm around his shoulders and pulls him into his chest.

“Sorry. I’m so sorry,” Tony mumbles.

“It's okay,” Bruce whispers, sadly. “It’s okay.”

He isn’t quite sure how he finds the strength, feeling dizzy himself from exhaustion and barely contained panic, but he manages to move Tony back to the bed. The other man isn’t unconscious, but he doesn’t seem very aware of his surroundings either. Bruce mechanically checks his temperature, blood pressure, and pulse, and finds all of them worrying.

He decides on an IV then, setting it up with calm hands despite his racing thoughts. It takes a while to find a good vein. Tony flinches a little when the needle pierces his skin, but otherwise doesn’t react.

Bruce sits down on the edge of the bed first, but then he shifts to the headrest and pulls his feet up on the mattress. He looks down at Tony, who has fallen into an unsettled sleep, looking ill, exhausted, and frighteningly old. There are traces of tears on his cheek. Bruce strokes them away, then moves his fingers up to Tony’s sweaty curls, smoothing them lightly, wishing he could give the man more comfort than that.

This time, Bruce wakes up from his own nightmare involving his father and the Hulk. He takes a moment to orient himself. He’s in Tony’s bed - must have fallen asleep in a sitting position and slowly slid down, judging from the pain in his neck.

Tony is asleep on the other side of the bed, curled into a fetal position. One of his hands is clutching Bruce’s shirt. He’s still pale as a ghost, the circles under his eyes so dark that they almost look like paint, but when Bruce reaches over to touch his forehead, he finds the fever has finally broken. He carefully uncurls Tony’s fingers and checks his pulse - a little weak, but thankfully regular.

After removing the IV, Bruce goes into the kitchen and starts to make tea for himself and a milkshake for Tony. He puts both drinks on a tray and returns to the bedroom, finding Tony awake and leaning heavily against the headrest, looking exhausted and thoughtful.

“Room service,” Bruce says in a sudden attempt to take over Tony’s role and lighten the mood.

“God, Bruce, you look terrible,” Tony observes, visibly guilty.

“You should see yourself,” Bruce comments. He sets the shake down on the bedside table.

“You didn't have to - we could have ordered -”

“It's okay. I wanted you to have something made with care on your first day.”

Tony takes the beverage with a frown. “What is it?”

“Vanilla milkshake. Easy to digest, and you need the energy.”

Tony takes a few sips, then, apparently realising how starved he is, finishes the glass. Bruce smiles and pours him another.

“That doesn’t work with my diet plan. Hope that FRIDAY approves of it.” He grins.

“Oh, I doubt she has any objections. You could use a few pounds, honestly.”

After four days of barely eating or drinking, Tony's cheek bones are more pronounced than ever, and his shirt traces the outline of his hollow stomach. But, looking back now, Bruce is sure that his clothes were hanging loosely even before the withdrawal.

“How’s the shake settling?” he asks, not keen on having to use the trash can again.

“Okay, I guess. I’m - Maybe I’m hungry? I’m not so sure anymore.”

“That’s good,” Bruce says with a measure of relief. “Maybe give it half an hour and then you can try some solid food? You can shower in the meantime, if you feel up to it.” He pauses before adding, “No offence, but you need it.”

Tony looks down at himself as if only now realising that he has a body. “Oh. Yeah.”

He unsteadily goes to take a shower while Bruce prepares a proper breakfast for both of them. Tony looks a little bit better by the time he steps into the kitchen, wearing athletic shorts and an old sweatshirt, his dark hair still wet. He all but inhales two cups of coffee and a slice of toast before leaning back in his chair, eyes half-closed.

“How are you feeling?” Bruce asks, putting more toast on a plate and setting it down in front of his friend.

“Sore. Shaky. But also almost human again,” Tony replies, opening one eye. “And like I might actually be able to sleep, and when I wake up, maybe I wouldn’t be weak as a kitten.”

“See, that’s a start.”

Tony squints at him, insecurity bleeding through his attitude. “I guess I owe you a thank you.”

“You don’t owe anything to anyone, Tony,” Bruce asserts.

The engineer snorts out a bitter laugh. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

Bruce sighs, wishing for the day when Tony will stop feeling like he is indebted to the whole world. He doesn’t know what it will take, and he’s afraid to think about it because something tells him that Tony won’t ever stop before he breaks.

“And I…” Tony looks down for a moment. “I want to say thank you. You didn’t have to do it, and...I don’t really remember much of the last three days, but I know it can’t have been easy for you either.”

Bruce softens. “It’s okay, Tony. I’m glad I was there with you.”

“I don’t know how to make good on that.”

“If you want to do something, then call Peter Parker.” Tony’s jaw goes rigid and Bruce adds, “Not right now. Eat. Sleep. Try to establish something like a routine. But do call him eventually. Don’t let this chance slip away.” He pauses. “I’m- I'm proud of you, Tony. And Peter will be, too.”

“He can’t know. Ever. I’m serious, Bruce.”

There’s no sense in trying to tell Tony that there is no shame in addiction. He already knows that, in theory at least, but the standards he holds himself to have always been superhumanly high.

“Fine,” Bruce sighs. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise. And you promise me that you’ll call the kid.”

There is something almost like insecurity in Tony’s eyes, something vulnerable, but he nods anyway. “Okay.”

Bruce weighs his thoughts and then decides to go a bit further.

“You...Your fever got pretty high, and you said some things. You mentioned Steve, and Siberia.” Tony sets up to speak, his expression defensive, and Bruce raises his hands. “Hear me out. I won’t force you to tell me anything about it. Ever. Just, you don’t have to keep it all inside. If you want to talk, I promise I won’t fall asleep this time. Consider it an offer.”

Tony looks at him, tired and a hundred years older than a few days ago, but there’s something like the hint of a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “Thank you,” he says earnestly. “I...Not now. But someday, maybe.”

And that’s all Bruce needs to hear for now.

Tony almost nods off at the table while checking his email, so Bruce firmly takes the device out of his hand and ushers him back to bed. His heart goes warm when he notices that Tony has created a reminder on his tablet to call Peter later that afternoon.

After making sure that Tony is sound asleep, Bruce heads off to his own bedroom, swaying slightly himself from tiredness. Sunlight is flooding the compound. It’s still empty, but a different empty than it was the day when he arrived. It doesn’t feel like an ending anymore, but rather like it could be the beginning of something new.

All my fics

Taglist: @toomuchtoread33

#tony stark #bruce banner #peter parker #science bros #withdrawal #tw drug abues #tw morphine #tw addiction #sick tony stark #sick tony #sickfic #whump #tony!whump #bruce banner is a good bro #tony stark has a heart #and cares a lot about peter

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igcttabe · 3 years

Text

“what’s got you riled up today?”

GIDEON’S HEART STARTED TO POUND SO HARD IT ACTUALLY HURT, he couldn’t even hide how erratic his heart beat had just gotten with the monitor screaming at them both in the hallway. “my dad’s not here!” no one was here, the nurses had left him to deal with an emergency and now his mind was starting to jump to all sorts of conclusions. had logan made up the emergency? WAS HE HERE TO FINISH HIM OFF? because gideon was practically like a sitting duck with a sign strapped to his chest saying easy pickings. he wasn’t sure he could get out of this bed, even if he wanted too. the nurse had his one wrist strapped down, they could lie, all of them could but he knew why -- they thought he’d done this to himself... that he was some stupid junkie who had asked for all of this. besides his legs was all kind of screwed up so he wasn’t walking, not any time soon. “what’s got me so riled up today? um, your fucking face, maybe? i hate you. I HATE YOU! and not even because of what you’ve done to me or even my dad BUT HOPE? she was the best fucking person and you killed her. she died in there alone and scared when she deserved better than you, better than me. BETTER THAN THAT! so why i am riled? because i hate you just as much as i fucking hate myself right now!” and it was what he’d been dying to confess to someone since he had woken up in that hospital room. he couldn’t burden his family with it but logan? it wasn’t like he gave a shit anyways. “HEAR TO KIDNAP ME AGAIN? WHAT?”

@bcssbitchs

#gideon ; convo #gideon ; logan #tw: cursing #tw: injuries #tw: drug abus #tw: death mention #tw: murder mention #oh gids :(

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thrillsxchills · 3 years

Text

{TW} Orion is obviously one of my more demented children and his whole life is a trigger warning, so please avoid reading this if your triggers contain the following -- depression, abandonment, hallucinations, drugs, violence, substances abuse, blood, abuse/mental & physical, bullying, self harm+un-alive thoughts, dissociating. (That’s a lot & i’m sorry but Orion has a HISTORY.)

Orion is my first and oldest baby I’ve had. He’s developed A LOT over the years, but for the new members I’m going to start all the way from the beginning so enjoy this looong ride. People like Z and Ali remember big bad old orion, that was something 😅

(tw; about death)Orion was an odd kid growing up, he had an usual obsession with death and creepy things. Cemetery's, bugs, and the supernatural. It was hard to make friends with other kids because of his unusual interests and the fact that his family was high class and his father wouldn’t let Orion associate himself with ‘poor people’.

(tw: family abuse) Orion hated and still hates his father with a passion. Nothing Orion ever did impressed his father. He rarely took interest in his one and only son. He only seemed to show up to physically abuse Orion over the smallest things. Orion’s only friend as a child was his mother, she was literally his saving grace.

{tw: abandonment/dissociating) Orion’s mother Cora is sweet and angelic like. However from his father's abuse she became numb and seemed to dissociate often. But Orion still took comfort in his mother's arms. Until one day his mother couldn’t take it anymore. While she wanted to take her son with her, she couldn’t. Orion’s dad’s family was the one with all the money. Cora had nothing to her name. If she took Orion he wouldn’t have a home or all the opportunities that money offered. So she left and it took everything she had left to do it.

(tw: abuse) Once Cora left the picture Orion’s fathers abuse only became worse. Taking out his wifes disappearance out on Orion. Screaming at the top of the lungs asking where Cora was. Orion didn’t know, he was just as clueless as his father but he didn’t believe him.

(tw: substance abuse) that’s when Orion started using drinking and smoking as a coping mechanism from a young age. He’d smoke any chance he got hiding the buds in his dresser drawer and his whiskey bottles in the boxes of his old shoes. It was his only escape from his shitty reality and his father.

(tw: reason for living) that all changed when Jakob Skellington came into the picture. They met at school and formed a quick lasting bond. Orion confided all his secrets and hobbies within Jakob and the boy never judged him. Orion finally found a best friend and a reason for staying alive at that point in time. Problem was their families had a long lasting feud over something stupid. So the two were banned from seeing each other. That didn’t stop them however. The two would sneak to each others house in the middle of the night or sneak off to hang out at Hallow Falls cemetery.

(tw: abandonment/bullying) however the friendship didn’t last long as intended. Because Jack was Orion’s only friend he became possessive over their relationship. Especially when Serena & Zeke entered the picture. They were getting to close to Jakob and Orion hated it. He began to loathe the two. So Orion did the only thing he knew how to do which is what he learned from his father. He began to bully Serena and Zeke to the point that Jack had to step in and defend Zeke and Serena. This felt like a betrayal to Orion. So Orion made an ultimatum. It was him or the two friends Jack barely knew. Jack chose them and Orion has held a resentment ever since. Quickly turning to the Teague's and using them to bully Zeke and Serena through them.

(tw: violence/blood/ suicidal thoughts) now entering his high school years Orion felt abandoned. He had no one but himself. Sure he had the Teagues but he felt that friendship was only extended because they did his bidding in exchange for things. Orion began skipping school more, starting fights for the hell of it. A couple of those fights he almost couldn’t walk away from him. Leaving his body beaten and bloodied in the back ally. Tiffani & Hallie nursed him back to health. But that didn’t stop him. He continued to get black out drunk and start fights. He wanted to feel something/and nothing all at the same time. He wanted to die.

(tw: substance abuse /hallucinations) Orion really thought he was going to die, he was drinking so much that he barely hanging onto his acceptance into Walt by a thread. His father kept bribing the school with money to keep him enrolled. He was known to students as the boogie man/feared by most people except a girl named Hallie. She tried to get him to be a better person. Which it didn’t happen all at once, it was slow. But once Orion realized all the people who had been hurt by his actions. his reality soon came crashing down. He began hearing things. like actual voices talking him. telling him that he was worthless, that he couldn’t be anything more than a monster. he could barely sleep without drinking himself to sleep. he even sought out a pastor to see if his soul was worth redeeming. Here is a self para about that time [SELF PARA HERE] Here is another self para about reuniting with his mother and standing up to his father. [READ HERE] read at viewers own discretion.!

(tw: trauma) It took time but he began to heal from his trauma. Does that mean he’s a better man now? Not exactly, but he knows how to control his temper and not to completely act on his impulsive anger issues that were handed down from his father. He’s not bad, but he’s not good either. He’s reunited with his mother and already forgiven her. He didn’t hesitate that was his mom after all. Him and his father only meet up if they have too after having their showdown a couple of years ago, which is how Orion prefers it anyway. Certain things still trigger Orion but for the most part he’s charming as hell but still intimidating as fuck. He only gets his hands dirty when he needs too.

OKAY! So that’s a lot and that’s the best I can summarize about my boys development over the last six years! Now for some light hearted head canons,yeah? I think I need therapy from writing all that.

(tw: smoking) you will never see Orion without a cigarette in his hand/mouth. from a young age smoking became a comfort. he doesn’t need it as much as he did back then but its more of a security thing now.

he has a lucky lighter he won from a bar fight. it’s a red zippo lighter in the shape of two pieces of dice. Snake eye’s to be exact.

because of his interest in bugs and reptiles he has a black snake tattoo the looks like its wrapped around his forearm. looks something like this [IMAGE HERE]

Older Orion has a small tattoo on each of his fingers representing his children. A bat for Axel, Nova is a star, Sage for Sage (but looks more like a flower), and the moon for Draco.

Orion enjoys being isolated/alone that’s when he feels most like himself. despite his background Orion does quite well in social situations. he adapts to new environments easily and can be quite charming if you’re on his good side.

Orion prefers the more expensive liquor since that's what he grew up with but his favorite and comfort drink is whiskey with ice.

When Orion is alone he enjoys reading/learning about new topics. He’s well educated but most people don’t experience that side of him.

he hates the holidays, for obvious reasons. doesn’t mind Halloween though.

he has a hate/love relationship with the Teague siblings. Logan annoys the hell outta of him, Beckham is stand-offish and Sadie is the only one he truly gets along with. But deep down their Orion’s only friends and he appreciates them. Will he tell them that? Not until hell freezes over.

Orion’s zodiac sign is Sagittarius

Orion doesn’t keep up with his casino daily- the assets yes, but the actual place no. However he does show up every once in awhile to cheat people out of their money. What can i say he’s a gamblin man.

.Spoken Word/Singing is Orion’s favorite music genre. he’ll go to the grave denying that but he relates to a lot of the bands like la dispute, hobo johnson, front porch step. But he enjoys most kind of music. His most recently played song is Self Care by Mac Miller. [LISTEN HERE]

Now when it comes to Sadie Teague things are different. She’s the only person that really challenges him. He admires her perseverance and her will to do things on her own. Their relationship is complicated. Friends? Friends with Benefits? But his feelings are starting to get intertwined, but how to express feelings he’s never felt before?

favorite color is red

Vitani also intrigues him/she’s not annoying like regular happy go lucky people. He enjoys her company, maybe he’ll ask if she needs a job at the casino.

#watask #im so sorry for all the tw but its well needed #so please don't read unless you're able too!#i care about yalls mental health first!#tw: depression #tw:blood #tw: abuse #tw: hallucinations #tw: drugs #tw: violence #tw: abu$e #tw: bullying #tw: self harm #tw: suicidial thoughts #tw: dissociating #tw: abandoment

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chronic-confessions · 6 years

Text

Confession #3,753

I took 10.95g of me mefenamic acid last night in the hope I'd overdose [my third attempt] and die, but I didn't and nobody knows. I feel so awful today and angry at my body's resilience that won't surrender like my mind has.

#chronic-confessions #chronic illness #chronic community #spoonie #spoon theory #tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicide mention #tw suicide attempt #tw overdose #tw drug abus #tw drug mentio

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aftgficrec · 2 years

Note

Hi !

I’m looking for very graphic fics of Neil killing and torturing Nathan if you can find any

Thank you !!

Neil kills Nathan here with varying degrees of violence and gore. Some fics don’t draw out Nathan’s death to the degree you want, but I think you will still find satisfaction. -A

Also see:

‘Die Free or Die a Failure’ and ‘Night is the Raven, Day is the Fox’ (on hiatus) here

‘what it takes to survive’ here

‘Neil Josten’s Vendetta,’ ‘You Don't Even Know Me (It's Only A Feeling),’ and ‘The Nameless Monster’ (also below) here

‘Shinigami’* and ‘Shake My Tomb’ here (*abandoned, see author’s note on chapter 3)

‘tokyo drifting’ here

‘Bad News From A Bad Friend’ here

‘lucid prayers’ here

‘The Real Folk Blues’ here

‘Sent to Drain’ here

‘Desperate and Broken (The Sound of a Fight)’ here

‘Iron and Ember’ here

Andrew kills Nathan:

‘Comeback’ here

‘Martyrs, Monsters, and Madness’ here (updated)

‘Andrew Joseph’ here

‘The Martyr Card’ here

‘It seems you've set it running free’ here

‘running with the wolves’ here

‘Armies’ here

Red Right Hand by hazey_sloths [Rated T (we say M), 11392 Words, Incomplete, Updated July 2019]

Nathaniel Wesninski has been trained to follow in his father's footsteps as the next Butcher of Baltimore. When leadership changes hands, Ichirou Moriyama orders a clean house and forces Nathaniel to help him. In the weeks that follow, it is discovered that Riko Moriyama's pet has run away to Palmetto State University.

When Nathaniel is sent to investiage what happened, he thinks he's just being sent to collect Kevin Day. He doesn't realize he'll have to deal with Kevin's guard dog.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: blood/gore, tw: torture, tw: murder, tw: canonical character death

Appendages by autisticandrewminyard [Rated M, 37496 Words, Complete, 2017]

Nathaniel Wesninski grapples with his life as the heir to a criminal empire, as the vice captain to the Edgar Allan Ravens, and as the person he wants to be seen as.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: blood/gore, tw: murder, tw: canonical character death, tw: drug use, tw: alcohol, tw: nonconsensual drug use, tw: implied/referenced abuse

Shrike by Leteel6 [Rated E, 13870 Words, Complete, 2021]

Neil never ends up going back to Baltimore. Instead, his father comes to Palmetto.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: dissociation, tw: gun violence, tw: knife violence, tw: blood/gore, tw: referenced animal torture, tw: murder, tw: corpse desecration, tw: canonical character death

The Nameless Monster by kanekicure [Rated M, 108199 Words, Complete, 2020]

Part 1 of the The Nameless series, part 2 here

Nathaniel Wesninski wants nothing more than to see his father dead and buried. But when his father promises him the title of The Butcher, Nathaniel quickly realizes that his destiny of following in his father's footsteps is closer than ever before.

So of course, when he gets forced to go undercover for the Baltimore police, he start's seeing what living could truly be.

tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: violence, tw: ptsd, tw: murder, tw: canonical character death

WIPs to watch

The Moriyama's Dog by JellyTits_Hoe [Rated E, 22655 Words, Incomplete, Updated August 2021]

Nathaniel can’t move a muscle and he doesn't even know if he would if he could. He’s in such a petrified state that he could barely even hear his father's words. All he can hear and feel is his heart beating in his chest. Lola giggles so loud Nathaniel knows she did it so he could hear her loud and clear. The screaming stopped a while ago. Nathaniel can’t really point out when. Perhaps it was when he started to go numb all over.

In which Nathaniel Wesninski never escaped and instead became Ichirou Moriyama's personal dog.

tw: dark, tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: blood/gore, tw: referenced gang rape, tw: graphic torture, tw: maiming, tw: murder, tw: gun violence, tw: trained killer dogs, tw: knife violence, tw: abuse, tw: child abuse, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: depression, tw: hallucinations, tw: homophobia, tw: drugs

Retribution by hausofcloud [Rated M, 11023 Words, Incomplete, Updated Jan 2022]

Exploring the "what if" after Mary's death. Instead of continuing on to Arizona, Nathaniel makes his way back to Stuart and in his grief, trains to exact his revenge on Nathan and his inner circle.

tw: graphic depiction of violence, tw: canonical character death, tw: nonconsensual drug use, tw: knife violence, tw: blood/gore, tw: murder, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

in consequence by sheskyripa [Not Rated, 3383 Words, Incomplete, Updated Jan 2021]

Part 2 of the in secret series, part 1 here

Ichirou gave Nathaniel a choice: become the new Butcher or continue play Exy. He chooses Exy, but for that, he has to eliminate his father.

Or Andrew and Nathaniel plan Nathan's death

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: internalized homophobia

Fractures by JayJFox [Rated M, 15902 Words, Incomplete, Updated May 2021]

Neil never planned to break Andrew's heart.

But Nathan Wesninski is alive and breathing down their necks, and Neil will do anything to keep Andrew safe from him even if it means pushing him away.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: blood, tw: abuse, tw: alcohol abuse, tw: urge to self harm

trivial questions about a triple murder (with answers) by Leocante [Rated T, 20690 Words, Incomplete, Updated Jan 2022]

Nathan Wesninsky was dead. And so was Lola Malcolm. Romero Malcolm. They were all dead, their bodies scattered over the floors tainted with blood, with the prospect of peace. Baltimore could start healing.

Nathan Wesninsky was dead, but his killer was smiling, and Andrew couldn't shake off the feeling that it wasn't the end of anything. The city thrived off crime, and the crime itself was so much bigger than a triple murder. So much more important in the bright white of the interrogation room.

The killer was smiling. Andrew sat into a chair across him.

Cameras stayed off.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: violence, tw: blood/gore, tw: murder, tw: homophobia

Art

butcher neil moodboard by @shiggyduster

Neil with knives art by @emry-stars-art

a butcher neil doodle art by @xeyoaa

Nathan moodboard by @murder-nerd-nina-blog

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professorchaos · 4 years

Note

relating to character trauma is huge to me, it was my first and only outlet for dealing with it. seeing it made worse in fanworks made it feel like what i related to wasnt enough. its kind of common in a lot of fandoms i enjoy, and finding a fic that related to my trauma and treated it like it was a serious pain always was a huge comfort. with this fandom in particular, even the SHOW doesnt super take it seriously, so it feels like people need to ramp it up in fiction. that kinda hurts to though

tw: child abuse

yeah it DOES hurt!

the style of the show’s humour makes the subject matter much more easy to digest, but sp does address abuse fairly consistently, and imo the way it is presented in the show is extremely relatable precisely because it’s rarely the actual focus. it’s interesting because... south park abuse is stereotypical and often outlandish or exaggerated, but it never feels like trauma porn. this is partly helped by the fact that the characters cartoonishly “spring back” from what they experience; it’s not just kenny who’s disturbingly and almost supernaturally resilient.

taking what’s present in the show, analysing it as though it’s serious- which it is- and examining what lasting consequences of these experiences might look like for the characters is therapeutic in a way that’s actually pretty unique to media which treats trauma with this type of flippant humour. it gives the fans room to interpret characters’ reactions to trauma as they like- even something like the popular fanon of butters having a scar through the eye which was hit with kenny’s shuriken is a fantastic example of fans defying the cartoon logic of south park’s world and projecting a consistent, digestible narrative onto it. it’s not something you really get to see outside of such bizarre (and long-running) show fandoms, which makes south park different to a lot of fandoms where characters do experience lasting repercussions or really any type of meaningful continuity at all (any ”continuity” in south park is just another comedic device, after all). there’s something about this which is incredibly appealing to trauma survivors, though i couldn’t tell you exactly what. that’d be a whole essay on its own.

so when people take the elements of south park which make it relatable and make them “worse”, it comes across as very different to people just addressing what’s there in canon seriously. for example, i often see people take tweek’s parents and make them physically or sexually abusive for the sake of angst. but why? tweek’s parents are awful. they drug him repeatedly, with meth of all things. so why do they need to be physically abusive as well? if someone relates to tweek and wants to project specific experiences onto him quietly on their own, there’s nothing wrong with doing so, but when publicly creating content about tweek’s abuse, there’s literally no reason to change the narrative of his trauma. it is bad enough. the same goes for randy, stuart and stephen’s emotional and physical abuse- do we really need to make fanworks where they are beating their children every day to the point where they come to school bloody, or sexually abusing them, when the canon is already there?

this inability to recognise canonical abuse as being “severe enough” for people to feel gratified by it also presents another issue: the moms. in particular, liane cartman. liane is an abusive mother and i’m sick to death of reading about how she deserves better than her son- she’s the reason he is like he is! if people want to see a sexually abusive parent so badly (as if strangers and other relatives aren’t “bad enough”, lol), liane is right there, treating her ten year old son like he’s her boyfriend and exposing him, whether intentionally or not, to a highly oversexualised environment while not properly contextualising any of it. and what about linda stotch? you might see people occasionally mention that she tried to kill butters, sure, but how about her emotional abuse, telling him he has a stupid face, making him wear a paper bag over his head? how about carol mccormick’s physical abuse towards her kids and husband? even in a case like with the tweaks, it’s aways presented by fanon like: “*mumbling* theydruggedtweek *shouting* AND THEN THEY BEAT HIM AND GOT HIM FORCIBLY INSTITUTIONALIZED” because i GUESS drugging and gaslighting isn’t recognized as abuse without that element of extreme, repeated, deliberate violence?

anyway- this became a tangent, and i’m sorry if it was in any way an upsetting or triggering response to receive. but i agree with you; it feels like an insult to see situations you relate to exaggerated and warped as if they aren’t “enough” to be upset about or traumatised by as they are, as if every story has to have a supreme evil villain and end in poetic tragedy or not end at all. for traumatised people, trauma is a fact of life, and we deserve stories which both reflect our experiences and emphasise our recovery.

#abuse tw #csa tw #addiction tw #rambles

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ruleofthieves · 6 years

Text

The Obama Years

3 days after his inauguration, he launches his first drone strikes. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/jan/23/drone-strike-victim-barack-obama

Even before he is inaugurated, he has Citibank privately vet his cabinet. https://wikileaks.org/podesta-emails/emailid/32870

Bailing out Wall Street but not the people whose homes were foreclosed upon. https://www.salon.com/2009/03/20/reich_3/

Expanded the "state secrets" doctrine. https://www.colorlines.com/articles/obamas-unprecedented-use-state-secrets-defend-religious-profiling

Maintained and continued Bush's rendition policy. https://www.salon.com/2009/02/09/state_secrets/

Escalates the war in Afghanistan. https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=120991044

Legitimized the coup in Honduras. https://www.commondreams.org/views/2016/03/15/us-role-honduras-coup-and-subsequent-violence

Lobbied to LOWER the minimum wage in Haiti to 30 cents an hour. https://www.thenation.com/article/wikileaks-haiti-let-them-live-3-day/

Started droning in Pakistan. https://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/04/world/asia/04drones.html?smid=tw-share

Coup in Ukraine (WATCH THE VIDEO WHERE HE ADMITS IT) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8_h4wNRb44

Makes Bush's tax cut permanent. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/12/16/AR2010121606200.html

Thought police brutality was "police acting stupidly." https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/barackobama/5902222/Cambridge-police-demand-apology-from-Barack-Obama-over-stupid-comments.html

Granted final immunity to torturers. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/aug/31/obama-justice-department-immunity-bush-cia-torturer

Ended Habeus Corpus. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/dear-americans-this-law-makes-it-possible-to-arrest_us_57c9b648e4b06c750dd9cd6f

Robert Gibbs says left-wing critics of Obama 'ought to be drug tested.' https://amp.theguardian.com/world/richard-adams-blog/2010/aug/10/robert-gibbs-crazy-liberal-critics-obama?__twitter_impression=true

NSA spying. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/jun/09/edward-snowden-nsa-whistleblower-surveillance

Unprecedented crackdown on whistle blowers. https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/mar/16/whistleblowers-double-standard-obama-david-petraeus-chelsea-manning

Eric Holder determined that some banks are "Too Big to Jail." https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/06/eric-holder-banks-too-big_n_2821741.html

The really bizarre gun-smuggling scheme. http://www.latimes.com/nation/atf-fast-furious-sg-storygallery.html?page=2

Obama signed the Executive Order banning Syrian and Iranian immigrants. https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/2012/04/23/executive-order-blocking-property-and-suspending-entry-united-states-cer

Obama repeatedly reauthorized militarizing the police. https://www.mintpressnews.com/white-house-moves-reauthorize-military-equipment-police/218714/

Deporting children to "send a message" to their parents. https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-immigration/u-s-says-deportation-of-honduran-children-a-warning-to-illegal-migrants-idUSKBN0FK29N20140715

Turning Libya from Africa's most prosperous nation, to the ISIS hellhole it is today. https://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/28/us/politics/hillary-clinton-libya.html?mtrref=www.google.com&gwh=F4AB919802C9539BCBFA63C9DF7C7DD6&gwt=pay

Drone strikes in Somalia. https://t.co/QM4D3Oj97Q

Obama: The first Nobel Peace Prize winner in history, to bomb another Nobel peace prize winner. https://www.reuters.com/article/us-afghanistan-attack-msf/obama-apologizes-for-kunduz-attack-msf-demands-independent-probe-idUSKCN0S10SX20151007

Why did he build a drone base in Niger? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2283346/Obama-builds-new-drone-base-West-Africa-combat-spread-Al-Qaeda.html

Why did he build a drone base in Cameroon? https://www.pri.org/stories/2016-03-01/can-us-new-drone-base-cameroon-help-fight-boko-haram

Why were we building a drone base in Seychelles? https://t.co/Hjq6ruLfT7

Why were we building a drone base in Chad? https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2014/11/you-might-not-know-where-chad-us-military-has-big-plans-it/

Djibouti? https://www.telesurtv.net/english/news/Secret-U.S.-Drone-Base-Rapidly-Expanding-in-Djibouti-20151021-0033.html

The U.S. Just Agreed to Give Israel $38 Billion in Military Aid --- because we’re just THAT charitable. http://fortune.com/2016/09/13/us-israel-military-aid/

Failed to reinstate Glass Steagall. http://thehill.com/policy/finance/248336-white-house-distances-itself-from-glass-steagall-push

Egypt... Syria... https://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/09/25/us/politics/arab-spring-proves-a-harsh-test-for-obamas-diplomatic-skill.html

His drone strike program that killed 90% innocent people. https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2015/oct/15/90-of-people-killed-by-us-drone-strikes-in-afghani/

Democrats skillfully manipulate the rules so they don't have to pass single payer. https://www.salon.com/2010/02/23/democrats_34/

Obama’s Final Arms-Export Tally More than Doubles Bush’s. https://www.defenseone.com/business/2016/11/obamas-final-arms-export-tally-more-doubles-bushs/133014/

Who was hurt most by Obamacare? http://thehill.com/policy/healthcare/227312-racial-gap-shrinking-under-obamacare-but-black-americans-remain-stuck

Right after Ferguson, was this Bill O Reilly or Obama? I can't tell. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2BBAfWucaE

The Haliburton loophole continued under Obama. http://www.gaslandthemovie.com/whats-fracking

The DOJ didn't hold the Red Cross accountable after this. https://www.propublica.org/article/how-the-red-cross-raised-half-a-billion-dollars-for-haiti-and-built-6-homes

Cuts to food stamps while bailing out the big banks. http://www.msnbc.com/msnbc/obama-signs-food-stamp-cut

Malaysia gets a free pass on Slavery for the TPP. https://theintercept.com/2015/07/27/blocked-trade-pact-failure-trafficking-malaysia-suddenly-gets-passing-grade/

Turning a blind eye to child soldiers and selling the militia weapons. https://theintercept.com/2016/06/09/hillary-clintons-state-department-gave-south-sudans-military-a-pass-for-its-child-soldiers/

Arms deals to Saudis. https://m.washingtontimes.com/news/2016/sep/11/obama-administrations-1-billion-arms-deal-aids-sau/

The crackdown on peaceful protesters from Occupy Wall Street. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/dec/29/fbi-coordinated-crackdown-occupy

The White House did order it. https://www.counterpunch.org/2012/05/14/did-the-white-house-direct-the-police-crackdown-on-occupy/

HAMP mortgage relief program was designed to "foam the runway" for the banks, not help underwater home owners. https://billmoyers.com/2015/02/14/needless-default/

After getting elected on a wave of anger at Wall Street; calling for a meeting of their CEO's and saying "My administration is the only thing between you and the pitchforks" --- How can I help? http://www.newsweek.com/why-cant-obama-bring-wall-street-justice-65009

Refueled Saudi aircraft in mid-air before they double-tapped a funeral. https://www.alternet.org/world/did-us-assist-sanaa-bombing

Cut funding to NASA, while we had plenty of money for bombs. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/cifamerica/2010/apr/15/obama-nasa-space-neil-armstrong

Bombed Syria until they ran out of bombs. https://www.cnn.com/2015/12/04/politics/air-force-20000-bombs-missiles-isis/index.html

Aided Mali government with their fight against the Traureg ethnicity. https://t.co/H2ac2ugWHF

Supported the*extremely* right wing faction in Ukraine. https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/2014/12/18/statement-president-ukraine-freedom-support-act

Expanded the Monsanto Doctrine. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/obama-signs-dark-act-to-invalidate-vermonts-landmark_us_57a644c7e4b0ccb023727b2d

Obama drones a wedding. http://www.newsweek.com/wedding-became-funeral-us-still-silent-one-year-deadly-yemen-drone-strike-291403

Infiltrating Standing Rock activists. https://theintercept.com/2017/12/11/standing-rock-dakota-access-pipeline-fbi-informant-red-fawn-fallis/

Expanded offshore drilling for oil and gas. https://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Politics/2010/0331/Obama-seeks-compromise-in-offshore-drilling-plan

Ignored child rape at Abu Ghraib. https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/5395830/Abu-Ghraib-abuse-photos-show-rape.html

Obama ignored surge of right-wing extremism that inspired Charleston killer. https://electronicintifada.net/blogs/rania-khalek/expert-obama-ignored-surge-rightwing-extremism-inspired-charleston-killer

Obama administration scraps child labor restrictions for farms. http://thehill.com/business-a-lobbying/224169-obama-administration-scraps-child-labor-rules-for-farms

Justice Department under Obama uses very racist precedent to deny Samoans citizenship (insular cases). https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/05/obama-administration-american-samoa-deny-citizenship/

Obama breaks promise to Iowa to break up big agra monopolies. https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/10/09/magazine/obama-administration-big-food-policy.html

Obama threatens the British that he will stop sharing intelligence with them if they release evidence of torture that they possess. This forces the high court to reverse itself, because now there are national security concerns. https://www.salon.com/2009/05/12/obama_101/

Why Is the Obama Administration Keeping Toddlers Behind Bars? https://www.thenation.com/article/why-is-the-obama-administration-keeping-toddlers-behind-bars/

Trump loses 1500 children and god knows how many are with human traffickers. Obama: more or less the same. https://mobile.nytimes.com/2016/01/29/us/politics/us-placed-immigrant-children-with-traffickers-report-says.html

Obama Administration Steps Back From Effort to End Federal Death Penalty. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/30/us/white-house-balks-on-ending-death-penalty.html

Obama says he'd be seen as moderate Republican in 1980s. http://thehill.com/policy/finance/272957-obama-says-his-economic-policies-so-mainstream-hed-be-seen-as-moderate-republican-in-1980s

Privately, Mr. Obama has described himself, at times, as essentially a Blue Dog Democrat. https://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/01/us/politics/01bai.html?_r=1&ref=politics

Why Obama Must Take Some Blame for Slavery in Libya. https://www.laprogressive.com/libyan-slavery/

Obama oversaw the rapid erosion of the Democratic Party’s political power in state legislatures, congressional districts and governor’s mansions. https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/barack-obama-won-the-white-house-but-democrats-lost-the-country/

All False statements involving Barack Obama. http://www.politifact.com/personalities/barack-obama/statements/byruling/false/

Recruits Perez to sink Ellison as DNC Chair ... aligning with wishes of largest Dem Party funder Israeli-American billionaire Haim Saban. https://theintercept.com/2017/02/24/key-question-about-dnc-race-why-did-white-house-recruit-perez-to-run-against-ellison/

Another instance where Obama denied clemency for Leonard Peltier an almost 80 year old American Indian activist sentenced to life in prison for a crime he didn't commit in the 1970s. It was found that the FBI fabricated evidence against him. https://www.democracynow.org/2017/1/18/breaking_leonard_peltier_denied_clemency_by

Barack Obama’s Shaky Legacy on Human Rights. http://foreignpolicy.com/2017/01/04/barack-obamas-shaky-legacy-on-human-rights/

“When the CIA actually rehires as a contractor someone who held a power-drill against the skull of a prisoner, you know that change from within this system is impossible.” https://theatln.tc/2LoOU3Q

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