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frasermints · 4 months

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im going to say this as gently as i can but it probably won't be very because i don't have the energy to elaborate as fully as i need to and this cannot continue to take up space in my head. this is coming from the perspective of someone living in the US partaking in the US (mental) healthcare system

the internet's fascination with (incorrect) self diagnosis (re: if you move your hips to the side when walking around a desk you're autistic!) paired with an aging traumatized population and skewed resource distribution has done a lot more damage to the greater mental health scene in the last four years than i think any of us want to admit

if you have been diagnosed with something between now and march 13, 2020 - ESPECIALLY if it was before march of 2022 - you need to get reevaluated from scratch in person (if you are able to) by someone that will develop an actual relationship with you. not by a telehealth ghost psychiatric service and joint pharmacy that will throw adderall or zoloft at you for $15 a month (!!!)

trauma acts like 90% of the mental health issues 15-35 year olds are posting about. PTSD presents with nearly every symptom known to man. treating it improperly will kill you. i'm really really tired of listening to people on tiktok give mental health advice that's being parroted by actual LCSWs and LMHCs/CCMHCs and PMNHPs when it's just... flat out incorrect at best and actually life threatening and dangerous at worst.

is there a very real issue with supply and demand of controlled substances in this country? yes. is there a very real issue with accessibility of therapeutic and diagnostic appointment setting for disabled clients? yes. the answer to both of these is not creating ghost pharmacies and practices that do not follow up with patients and commonly commit patient abandonment. it is much more involved than that and it cannot be solved through services like hims and hers and donefirst and helloklarity and fucking onlinepsychiatrists dot com are you serious

i understand that the mental health space in this country is difficult and dangerous and hostile to navigate. especially in a small town it is inhospitable for marginalized people. you are preaching to the choir when you're saying that to someone like me. but i'm just very frustrated when people immediately turn to "just get your drugs online, obviously your problem is X"

there is no obviously in mental health. there is NEVER an obviously in mental health. i hallucinate. i hear voices. i see things. i have manic and psychotic episodes. i experience intense waves of suicidal ideation and depression. i dissociate, often. i have impulse spending issues. i have problems with obsessive thoughts and compulsive movements. i have severe offset sleep issues. i have anger issues. i have attention issues. i have some pretty insane intrusive thoughts. do you want to know my current diagnosis?

ptsd (and technically adult gender dysphoria, but.)

i have had a laundry list of others come and go. bipolar 2, MDD, GAD, schizoaffective disorder, insomnia, BPD, OCD, ADHD, autism, intermittent psychosis - just to name a few.

four psychiatrists and 12 years to get to the root of the problem. 60+ years of experience could not give me a straight answer. i really don't want to be that asshole but i don't think some googling and perusing social media and one (1) visit with someone that's not intimately aware of you and your history is going to make safe and calculated decisions wrt your health.

establishing a relationship with one person (after doing some shopping!! look around!! get a sense of the vibes!!) is so so so necessary.

as always - this does not apply to the people it... does not apply to. if you cannot afford appointments, don't have insurance, etc. this is primarily targeting the people that have simply decided that using these services is more convenient than calling someone - even though it is available to, and within reach for, them.

we cannot improve a fundamentally broken system by continuing to break it. it frustrates me that that's what we're doing. making and buying teslas won't save the planet, seeing a therapist from betterhelp will not fix your childhood trauma.

#my post #i'm 100% gonna delete this in 5 minutes i'm just upset

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eivor-wolfkissed · 9 days

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Was in a small discord group a long time ago that talked about the importance of deconstructing ableism every damn day, only for them to turn around and shun me, their only autistic member, for my traits. While treating me, again the only autistic member, like a kid when I am an adult. They had obvious problems with me, but never communicated them, just played social games, and eventually quietly kicked me out when I picked up on this and stopped going to this space as often. Again there was zero communication, just an invisible expectation of a standard I wasn't even aware of that I had to conform to. Allistic people you realize you can like, actually talk to us and communicate needs with us like every other adult does? Or do you just refuse to because you're intimidated by autistic people, or see us as inherently incapable of having unpleasant conversations?

Your ableism activism doesn't mean SHIT to me if this is how you interact with and treat autistic people, its picking and choosing what kinds of disabled people you support and I think that's fucking shitty and disgusting. The shunning is whatever, I've dealt with this my whole life as someone with AUDHD. It's a hurt I'm very used to. But treating an autistic adult like a dumb kid, infantalizing an autistic adult, and eventually giving them the cold shoulder over autistic traits, all while claiming to fight ableism... that's being ableist against autistic people and turns this into the most two faced behavior when you claim to fight ableism. And that's what annoys me the most and is the reason why I'm making this post- it's the two faced behavior I cannot stand- pretending to care about disabled people while shunning the person with both a developmental and a cognitive disability (autism and ADHD).

This experience was lowkey the last straw for me even trying to be a part of any discord server whatsoever. Discord servers are toxic and nobody gives each other the grace that most people give when interacting face to face.

I don't talk about being autistic on this blog very often. It's just extra annoying and hurtful when ableism activists turn around and act like ableist pricks to you over specifically autistic traits that you cannot hide.

If you're autistic even in spaces that claim to be friendly to us... you just can't always trust that. Allistic people need to actually take a hard look at themselves and do the uncomfortable work of examining how they treat autistic adults. I've been in very, very few adult friend circles who actually accommodated me and didn't treat me differently because of my AUDHD.

#actually autistic #also what is it with allistic people just straight up refusing to communicate with autistic people when we do something they don't like?#im not going to bite your head off... im going to appreciate that you are communicating YOUR needs to me like an adult should #instead of playing this social guessing game #audhd problems

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polyghostfacehours · 2 years

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OMG CONGRATS ON 3K

YOU'RE THE ONLY CREATOR IVE EVER HAD A FUNNY CONVO WITH AND YOU'RE ONE OF THE FIRST ONES I EVER FOLLOWED! LOVE YOUR CONTENT!

Also for the little event thing, here's a little description of myself!

Physical: Just today I dyed my hair a bright neon green. It looks like a highlighter. My hair is also only 2-3 inches long since I shaved it all a few months ago. I'm a bit chubby. I have a heavier bottom side than top. I have resting bitch face. When going out, I tend to wear fishnets, platform boots, a skirt, and some slasher themed top.

Mental(?): I'm autistic with ADHD, I also have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. However I tend to think of myself as a fun person to hang out with.

Anything else: I like to get 🍃 and my favorite drink is the Arizona fruit punch drink. My favorite animal is a kangaroo. I have daddy AND mommy Issues(call me double trouble LMAO). One of my friends has always said I'm the funniest person they've ever hung out with (like, thanks omg you got my feet swingin n shit). I'm nonbinary and pansexual. I'm also hypersexual. I like any music besides anything religious and most of country.

That's all!

PS: I would like to add, I've always thought I'd be good friends with them, but I tend to say a lot of 'your mom' jokes, so sorry Mr. Mommy Issues Billy LMAO

ASDFGHJKL YOU FLATTER ME FUCK. THANK YOU JUICE FOR THE KIND WORDS.

So, romantically, I feel you match a loooot with Stu!

- You're fun to hang out with? Good. You don't have to be as hyperactive or talkative as him, BUT in a serious relationship Stu does want a partner who's time he actually desires. Since it's more than just sex there. As a matter of fact, this is the key to him wanting a more serious relationship in the first place. ALL of his serious relationship (which haven't been many, most were casual), started by becoming close friends first.

- Oh no. Oh no no no I can see Stu getting addicted to Arizona Fruit Punch. Like once you introduce him he will never turn back. Regardless of what happens in the future, you will always be a part of him bc you'll always be the mf that introduced him to his now fave drink 😭.

- Hypersexual? You are literally speaking Stu's language. Billy is very horny too, but only for specific people. Stu on the other hand. Yo, I hope you like threesomes bc you two will be two hypersexual bi/pan disasters. Sweeping the whole ass nation.

- Stu has a lot of music opinions BUT he also has a very broad and wide range of music he likes. If you enjoy party songs or pop music you and him will absolutely vibe. But he also adores RnB and Hip-Hop as well. P much the only music genre Stu doesn't like is...heavy metal. Like I legit see him and Billy fighting over the aux/ what mixtape to use. Luckily you wont have that problem.

#3k follower event #relationship event

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ashintheairlikesnow · 4 years

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hi ash! i know you said before that you're not autistic you just did a lot of research to depict chris realistically- do you have any advice for finding resources on writing disabled characters that isn't like... horribly abelist? im writing someone with an intellectual disability from head trauma and who is nonverbal, and i want to get it right but everything online seems very autism-speaks-y. im autistic and semiverbal but i dont have an id and i want to be realistic and respectful.

I cannot speak with any expertise or sense of speaking from enough experience to be taken as an expert here, and defer as always to those with lived experience with intellectual disability!

But I will give a few more general tips for what to do when looking to write a character with a neurological makeup that doesn’t match your own, as far as what has worked for me with Chris:

1. The story should never be ABOUT their lived experience if you do not also have it. Chris’s story is not about autism, or being autistic. I would never presume to try and write a story like that because, whatever my intentions, I don’t have that knowledge that comes from living it. I would at BEST be taking the experiences of others, their voices. At worst, I would be someone standing with a megaphone shouting over those who deserve to be heard.

Making the disability what the plot revolves around is... generally just not going to be a good idea, in any sense. It’s moments like this where I feel like it’s best to defer to the writers who have lived it, instead.

This is not to say “never write someone different than yourself”, because... I don’t think that’s at all good advice. I think that way lies stunted writers who never push themselves. But it does mean “do not center the story on this thing if you have not experienced it and don’t have that knowledge and understanding”.

2. At the same time, don’t try to be coy or dance around or hide the disability behind purple prose or refuse to acknowledge its reality. Trying to make a disability sound cute, or talk around it instead of speaking it out loud, can be minimizing or shaming in ways that I think it’s easy to miss, if you don’t live with that disability yourself! To me, this touches on one of my hugest pet peeves - characters who are written as having a particular neurodivergence in media, or shown on tv, but they never expressly admit to it or name it.

I know I hesitated with Chris, more because I didn’t feel comfortable giving him a diagnosis until I understood autism better myself, and I do regret how long it took me to embrace that reality about him. I just thought it better to err on the side of researching before I embraced. But I do feel some guilt about waiting so long when I had readers who were identifying so heavily with him, and I kind of knew, but just didn’t feel comfortable owning it yet.

3. On a related note - disabilities in a story that become melodramatic tragedy or turn the disabled character into a ‘redemption story’ for an abled character. This is so, so prevalent in common media and pop culture and once you recognize it for what it is, it’s so hard to not see it in so many places. Think of how many movies, novels, etc contain a disabled character who exists to teach abled people some virtuous lesson about living life to the fullest or ‘what it really means to be human’ blah blah blah blah blah. Don’t do that. Please. (I mean, I kind of feel like you definitely won’t, but I’m just speaking very generally here). If you find the story going in a direction in which abled people learn something from the disabled person, please think very carefully and critically as to why the story is heading in that direction.

Language alone can also be a problem here - think about the difference between openly describing a character moving around their life with a wheelchair vs. calling them “wheelchair-bound” or “reliant on a cane”, when the cane or wheelchair may actually represent freedom to that person - an aid they need, yes, but one that allows them to live with far more agency than they might have had otherwise.

To describe them, especially from their own POV, as “wheelchair-bound”, may ring false to disabled people who understand that the wheelchair isn’t a cage, but a tool that allows that individual person to feel less caged by being able to more freely leave home.

(This varies person to person, just providing an example)

4. Educate. Research. And don’t just do so by asking people with disabilities to tell you their stories. I often express gratitude to the autistic readers, those with ADHD, etc who spoke up about Chris, talked about their own experiences, identified with him, found him very resonating for aspects of their own lives.

These stories, this information, this sharing of their lives was given freely to me, and I’m fucking amazed and grateful for how welcomed Chris was, and how willing readers were to share about themselves when talking about him.

Their willingness to speak about these things is something I treasure. But I absolutely would never believe that a single person owed me the story of their life to make sure I got Chris right. That was my responsibility, you know? I try to keep in mind the concept of ‘emotional labor’. Asking a disabled person to be your resource is asking them to give, and give, and give of themself. They may want to give you that kind of labor, they may not. But I definitely wouldn’t ask it of anyone without understanding it was something they were happy or felt comfortable giving.

Research, on the other hand, is essential. You mentioned things being “autism speaks-y” when trying to research on your own, and oh god, do I feel you. It sucks that autism speaks is the first thing to pop up when trying to research the lives of autistic people - and in my research, I was lucky to already know AS sucks and write them off and anyone who heavily referenced them as not helpful. I can see how someone might not know that, though, and stumble on them and believe they were a helpful resource for writing autism when they... well. Nope.

Try to think about the express disability you are writing for this person, and why, and then go research! I looked up “books on autism recommended by autistic people”, and found some invaluable books, yes, but also papers published online, websites, etc! Each of them vetted and looked over and recommended by autistic people, so I knew I was getting information that came from people with those experiences and that understanding. A good example - I picked up a book on the history of diagnosis and treatment of autism in the United States, mentioned it here, and @redwingedwhump recommended a book called Neurotribes... which turned out to be immensely more helpful, spot-on, and provided some really excellent foundational information I wouldn’t have found in the first book at all.

There’s a lot of information out there on Traumatic Brain Injuries and their lasting effects on individuals who receive them, so I would start there. What you’re describing sounds like a TBI with lasting effects! So I would start your research there, and also look up being nonverbal separately, as well as combining the two. Make sure you’re not just looking at the top links - often paid ads or problematic organizations that are able to pay more for better exposure - but also scanning for blogs, nonprofits, lived-experiences stories, too.

I found a lot of information on the second or even third page of results i would never have seen if I only stuck to the first. Remember the algorithm on search engines is usually showing you what other people are clicking on, not necessarily the best source.

5. This is one you the asker already know, but I want to include it for general reasons: do not ‘dumb down’ the thought processes of a nonverbal or semi-verbal person. I see this in fiction surprisingly often, and I think it’s this sense we have as abled people (’we’ just meaning I’m including myself) that being verbal is required to have a highly complex thought process, and it’s... it’s just fucking not. Speech and though are related but not completely wound around each other, and the ability to verbalize is not the same as the ability to think.

Like I said, I know you know this, asker, but it’s something I see in fiction/media and it drives me up the wall. So I wanted to include it.

6. For the love of God, do not use medical terminology unless you actually know what you’re doing/talking about. Many disabled people or those with serious medical conditions become what amounts to experts on their own diagnoses, because they have to. They have to be experts to receive the care they should be able to rely on. If you constantly fuck up terminology - trust me - it will be noticed, and it will take people out of the story or hurt their ability to suspend disbelief while reading.

There are ways to do medical scenes/conversations with doctors that avoid falling into this problem! I would just be very very careful to heavily research before using any complex terminology.

7. This disabled person does not exist to evoke pity. They are a human - nuanced and multi-layered - living their life, and their story should always, always reflect that. I don’t really have anything else to add to that.

I would love to hear further advice from anyone with anything else to add.

#writing advice #writing

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the-amalgam-house · 3 years

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I've been thinking about spirituality a whole lot these last couple years. I was raised in a Christian household (no denomination) and rather recently walked away from that religion. It'd been something I had been thinking about doing for several years prior to actually finally and officially allowing myself to say. But I still am a spiritual person by nature, I just don't now exactly where I belong.

I don't completely begrudge my past in Christianity, there were still plenty of good things about my experiences there. But there were plenty of bad ones as well, bad things that speak even louder than the good. Notably, it was the suppression of my identity as trans and gay that took the biggest toll. Even with all kinds of evidence that these things are NOT actually stated as sins in the Bible, Christians only listen to what they want to hear. But the fact that you can't argue with or question the religion, the idea that any entity ruling through fear could somehow be benevolent, the idea that any slip up without deep self deprecating apology and conforming could send you to Punishment Forever And Ever and that god still be labeled as "loving"... none of it ever made sense to me. I was pressured into believing that any little misstep would end up with my soul being treated to unimaginable horrible pain for the rest of the existence of time and the universe.

Imagine what that does when you realize you're transgender, when you realize you're gay, when you pray and pray and pray for god to make you "normal" and it never happens (because you are exactly who you're supposed to be), when you have mental problems but therapy, psychology, etc is seen as evil. When your special interests (cause it turns out you're autistic on top of your adhd!) deal with things considered occult or witchcraft or magic and all of those are evil and of the devil and if you participate you go to Super Hell.

I like tarot and tessera. I like the energies of crystals and other stones. I like coffins and skulls and animism and Judaism and Greek and Nordic gods. I like the simplicities and complexities of romantic partners being more than just two people. Polyam groups working as villages to support and uplift each other. I like not thinking I'm a horrible person for my intrusive thoughts (cause remember, God can just hear all your personal thoughts without consent or anything after all), and I love that I'm getting more control over that idea that I can still be okay even when I think terrible horrifying things.

I like these things that make me truly happy, and I hate how Christianity made me miserable. Of course I would find at least a little solace in pieces of it, an oasis in the oppressive desert that gave any relief. I liked "worship" because I was allowed to sing without people telling me to shut up. I often went through church specifically because lunch was always served after, and I really like food (plus growing up poor meant sometimes we didn't have enough food at home). I liked the meditative prayer times the church would set up outside of sundays because we got to lie down in the chairs with very chill vibes music and for a few hours no one could get on my adhd ass about being lazy just for relaxing and taking a nap.

I liked socializing after church, getting to talk with my mom in a setting she feels comfortable. I liked getting away from a home full of screaming and drinking and punching walls. I liked when I could run the projector cause that meant I could stay seated when I really didn't feel like standing.

But the homophobia with all the pray the gay away, the "god doesn't make mistakes" transphobia when I never called myself a mistake to begin with. The antisemitism of it being a "Jews for Jesus" church, the colonization of bringing native practices into a colonizer religion. The cult-like chants of pledging allegiance to the Israeli flag...I left before they started doing that.

I just want to find a spirituality that actually feels fulfilling. I know Christianity works for my mom, and maybe for my dad (tho he was largely not an active participant his whole life), and for some of my friends and maybe my brother. And that's very cool if they can actually feel fulfilled in that religion, but I can't. I like a lot of the rituals (prayer before meals, sometimes praying in general, community gathering, etc) and will likely continue those rituals throughout my life. But. I also want to find my own rituals, practices, somethings or sometimes beyond to speak to. I'm trying to tell myself that even if there were good things there, everything has it's time and everything comes to an end and that God would never be mad at me for trying to find my spirituality elsewhere and would just be happy that I'm trying to find my way to love and spiritual fulfillment.

Even if someone is abusive, often we still miss them when they're gone. I do miss parts of Christianity, but I know that in this moment that part of my life is behind me and I need to move on.

#toby talk #religion #alcohol mention #abuse mention

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babaleshy · 3 years

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Something I May Need to Stop Doing...

I'll be venting in this post, but this is about the desire to move out of a desperate want for change right now even though such a move is not meant to be.

On occasion, I go onto zillow's website and check out houses around Pittsburgh out of curiosity just to see what houses are going for what price in what kind of condition. I've noticed something incredibly enticing: there are some houses going for under $100,000 and are technically livable. It's just got flaking/chipping paint, may need new rugs, and other general clean-ups. The only "major" thing I wanna do to any of these houses falling under this criteria is the fact that I feel more comfortable with a tin roof.

These houses that I find are within city limits, most of these houses I've shown an interest in are close to sidewalks. This means if I were to move into one of these houses, then I'd have a chance to properly commute!

Ah, but why exactly am I making this post? What is it that I'm venting about? And what did I mean earlier when I said "not meant to be?"

Back in 2014 (autumn, specifically), my husband and I had to move out of our apartment in downtown Pittsburgh to my parents' farm in Ohio. Two reasons made us do this: one was the skyrocketing rent prices when HUD sold our building, causing rent to go from $539/mo to $720/mo. My husband worked at a casino, and was making $10/hr, so when rent prices went up like mad, we really began to struggle to survive. The other thing was bedbugs. The building manager laughed at our discomfort and said, "What do you expect me to do about it? Where would everyone go for the building to be treated?" Like, you're a shit manager if you haven't come up with those contingency plans.

Paying $720/mo for a bedbug-infested apartment (bedbugs are fucking hard to get rid of) and living in a constant state of itchy breakout made us decide it was time to move in with my parents. Because we literally could not afford to live anywhere else, and our student loan debt fucked up our credit scores, so we couldn't even get a house (and we were looking for one at the time!).

We used to think living on this farm was temporary until reality set in, that there is absolutely no possible way for us to make it on our own now. My husband has ADHD and anxiety and is still struggling to practice to get his driver's license (it's hard when my dad is a major source of my husband's stress; my dad's an asshole and gets worse by the year), and I'm Autistic, so I can't hold down a regular job, and nothing else is hiring.

In terms of getting a job for me at all, either I'd have to go to school for my special interest for the job (ecology, entomology, and/or paleontology) or I'd rather work in a library.

Welp, college is far too expensive for me to pay out of pocket, and my already existing student loan debt is barring me from getting any sort of financial aid to go back to school at all. As far as the library is concerned? Remember when I said my husband is currently struggling to practice for his license? (He doesn't get much practice because my dad is a stressful asshole that makes my husband have a horrible headache and anxiety after he drives). We have 2 vehicles, one my mom uses to get to work, and the other my dad uses to take my husband to work as well as do errands in like grocery shopping and shit like that.

I can't get a ride.

Can't ride a bicycle, either. It's definitely not safe (I live in America, if you couldn't tell). My parents' farm is deep within one of the back roads with one of the properties on this road being an oil rig. The oil workers drive like assholes, not caring what animal they hit, speeding through here. There are dirtbikes and four-wheelers that speed through here, too. There's no room for 2 vehicles to pass one another, and nothing but pure fucking hill the moment you step off the side of the road. I literally cannot bike here.

But let's pretend I got onto one of the main roads on either end of our road. It's even worse! And STILL no room for bicyclists! This goes for fucking miles until you reach a residential area! Except for a nearby little village-town that has the closest library branch. It's the village my husband grew up in, but there's a lot of sketchy turns, corners, and again, no room for bicycles. This includes main roads.

With all this in mind, I actually considered the possibility of moving to that village, because the village itself is actually safe enough to bike ride in. The problem is: I'm not guaranteed to get a job at the library at all. I tried getting a job as a library clerk at the Carnegie Library in Pittsburgh, got interviewed and everything, and didn't get the job for whatever reason. In fact, I'm not guaranteed a job at all at any library branch, regardless of the neighborhood. So moving to such an area depending on the chance of being hired there is not worth it.

Such a village is actually rather unfriendly, and that goes for a lot of communities here on this side of Ohio. You'd think this was one of the southern states from its people and what flags they fly.

So why not Pittsburgh? Why not move there if we could?

Well, I thought about it. It has all the perks I could expect such as public transportation, somewhat safer bicycling areas to commute to school and work, and more importantly: THINGS TO DO.

Living in the middle of nowhere blows when you want to, on your own without relying on someone to drive you, go and do something, such as buying fabric or art supplies for future projects, or going to the library, or anything, really! Yeah, I do want to garden, but I don't have the means to do that on a damn farm (long, frustrating story that made me stop believing my parents' promises).

Not to mention, I still have friends in Pittsburgh, If I wanna see them, they don't have to drive an hour and 45 minutes (and that's if they have a car) to visit. I got 2 friends here in the area, and they're busy with their work's demanding schedules. When we do hang out, Cards Against Humanity, Uno, and D&D can only do so much until it gets old and boring and you wanna do something else that isn't hanging out at a dead mall. There is truly nothing to do here. Pittsburgh has the museums, libraries, parks, and far more interesting establishments to lurk in.

So again: why not Pittsburgh?

Because that city has changed and is still changing compared to when I was last there. My regular watering hole (The Beehive) is no more. There are neighborhoods being gentrified (meaning I'm not guaranteed to keep my home even if I pay it off). Businesses are closing, meaning people will be losing their jobs, and some of the other places hiring (like libraries) are not guaranteed to hire me, especially when I haven't had a job since 2010.

There's also my cat to consider; she gets stressed at the sound of a lawn-mower (I don't blame her). She wouldn't be able to handle the sounds of the city. Unless we found a place not too close to downtown, such a move is a no-go.

I've daydreamed about living in Pittsburgh again. I'm homesick for Pittsburgh. I've realized only recently that that city was my home. Not this farm, not even the house I grew up in. I felt like a person who didn't have to rely on people for rides and such. It's the only place where I've truly lived on my own and enjoyed it.

I've actually considered moving out of this country and found that even more impossible. No matter which country you pick, no matter what language you learn, not only do you have to pay for your things to be shipped, for your plane ticket for a one-way trip, or whatever you need to become a citizen there, you still have to pay at least $2,000 to revoke your American citizenship or else you will be forced to pay American taxes despite never setting foot on American soil ever again.

Thanks to capitalism, America has made it fucking impossible for the average person to leave for good. If you are born here, you are financially enslaved here unless you're wealthy enough to leave.

So... What's the plan?

Well, for now: not much. The pandemic has set plans back a bit, but my parents have a lien on the house thanks to my private student loans my mom was bullied and forced into co-signing for. She... I guess?... is almost done paying them off? I don't know. My parents don't like communicating need-to-know info with me and then get mad when I don't absorb it through osmosis. Once the lien is taken off the house, mom wants to move north to be near her sister, and she said she'll try finding a farm for sale near Kent State so it'll be an easier commute (be it by bicycle or by car). My intention is to enroll there to be able to get a job as an ecologist (focus in entomology, specializing in arachnology) with a minor in paleontology.

Once I've gotten that all taken care of (as well as my husband going back to school for what he wants), we move to the pacific northwest, mainly just north of Seattle somewhere.

I hate Ohio. I hate running into people I've gone to school with that I try to avoid (more like I see them, but they don't recognize me? At least I hope not?). I hate this place so much. I hate this climate, being near people I don't want just randomly showing the fuck up. And what's the use of living near family when they don't want to bother visiting you? I hate hearing my mom tell me so-and-so that I obviously want nothing to do with told her to tell me they said hi. I'm tired of fearing I'll run into someone that abused me in the past because now they're back in the fucking area again apparently.

I've got my fingers crossed that something is gonna give and college to some level (community college?) will be free for residents or something. It'll give me a chance to go back to school for something close to what I wanna do so I can maybe get a job? Completing something at a community college would at least make it easier for me to get enrolled at a university.

My husband and I picked Seattle (or close to Seattle) for its climate. It's (usually) not blistering hot every goddamn year, and it's not horribly cold thanks to the mountain range (I'm quite cold-intolerant). We both enjoy overcast weather and rain. We'd rather take our chances with volcanoes than earthquakes or hurricanes in areas where these things are guaranteed to happen yet nobody ruling these areas wants to invest in infrastructure that helps stand a chance against them. Seattle also has a nice combination of city and wilderness side-by-side. Not much of that with Pittsburgh.

If I was forced to only move to Pittsburgh and no other city, I wouldn't mind, especially since I'm more familiar with Pittsburgh than I am with anything in my current local area (because I had to travel on foot instead of relying on a car to get to places!). Fuck, my mom wouldn't even let me do anything by myself out of the yard when we lived in the village I grew up in because she was a paranoid fuck and by the time I JUST STARTED gaining independence for having a bike and bicycling to the post office everyday, we moved to this farm.

Oh, this isn't a roof over my head I should be thankful for. My parents got screwed. Our water is full of iron and calcium that no filter can fix, so we constantly have plumbing problems, the post and internet connections are questionable at best, we get ant infestations from 2 species EVERY YEAR, all for a farm my mom wanted for horses she always wanted and eventually got but has little next to no energy to spend the time she wants with them and she refuses to admit her age has a lot to do with it on top of her working so she sits in the living room on THREE DIFFERENT DEVICES sucking up bandwidth to religiously watch every fucking livestream of a country singer she likes (and complains if she's missing it for any reason!), scroll through Facebook, and play a fucking shitty app game!

Our internet out here? The physical equipment is outdated (copper wires instead of fiber-optic cables) because the fucking company doesn't wanna spend the money to upgrade it.

So instead, we're stuck here, with my husband losing his sanity bit by bit by the day at his shitty retail job (every other available job offering would be worse in this area) and I sit here and hope that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I could start gardening soon.

I miss Pittsburgh. I really do. But despite all of its benefits it would give me and my husband if we moved back, I don't think it will happen.

In the off-chance that we don't move north, that my dad's assholery intensifies and he decides to remain here (he has to legally agree to sell this house in order for my mom to move north; dad's reasons keep fucking changing), Pittsburgh is a nice back-up plan. Pitt University actually has the major I'd want to go back to school for, as well as what my husband wants to go back to school for, and we'd already be familiar with the city and what to expect of it. However, we're aiming higher, and hoping to move to the pacific northwest, instead.

But I think to avoid losing my sanity, I should stop daydreaming about a future that may never be.

Fingers crossed!

#rant #ramble #vent #I wanna move so bad but can't

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amorremanet · 7 years

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wait so why do you have a problem with "A/B shippers feeling like you're judging them" if the ship you're talking about is keith and shiro aka an underage teenager with an adult???

First off, full disclosure: I could see Keith having a crush on Shiro, but ultimately, I see the whole thing as loving and very intensely devoted on both sides, but still ultimately familial or platonic. I can also see Lance and Keith having crushes on each other, I agree that they have a fun dynamic, and I could see them maybe working out as a romantic couple, but… eh, they’re just not my favorite VLD ship.

I’m also in favor of things like tagging, trigger/content warnings, trying to be more responsible and aware of ourselves as content-creators, and so on — but part of this means that you also have to be okay with the fact that people are going to make things that you don’t like, personally, and may even be triggered by or find abhorrent because people are not always going to be at the same place on the learning curve, people won’t always have the same opinions about what does or doesn’t constitute something, “hurtful” or offensive, and different people get different things out of the same fanworks

(e.g., most people apparently feel heartwarmed and happy when reading domestic fic about their OTPS, and that’s fine…… but for the most part, those fics do nothing for me, at best, and at worst, make me feel like there is just something wrong with me because I understand why other people want that life, but I don’t see myself ever having anything like that, and then I end up feeling like maybe I should just not even bother trying to go be part of LGBTQ spaces — not just in fandom but any and all LGBTQ spaces — because I’m probably ruining everything for everyone else).

There’s value in being open to critically discussing these things, and it’s true that tags/warnings are not always functional (e.g., a lot of people in the past have written non-con fic and tagged it as dub-con, or just not tagged it at all, because of how rape culture has made it so they don’t understand that some situations are not as consensual as they might think) — but this goes all ways. Everyone needs to be self-reflective and open to critical discussion, not just people who ship certain things or like certain tropes. Everyone needs to recognize that they are capable of doing things that hurt other people, and everyone needs to acknowledge that we are all deeply flawed beings and not always right, no matter how much we feel like we might be.

And part of that self-reflection/self-awareness needs to be accepting a degree of personal responsibility, recognizing that not everyone who likes a ship that you don’t is being irresponsible about it, being aware of things that might trigger you and staying away from them (which is never going to be a perfect system, because things like the, “Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings” option are vague, tags are imperfect, blacklisting shit doesn’t always work, etc. — but that doesn’t mean that anyone on any side is right while anyone else is wrong; it means that the situation is more complicated than most of us on all sides want to make it, and that nobody is helping anyone by throwing out ad hominem attacks, reductionistic arguments, and worse)

and (this is going to be a BIG point for me in here, and if it seems like I’m harping on it kind of a lot, that’s because I am) not harassing or suicide-baiting people because they ship a thing that you personally dislike or (gasp, shock, horrors) wrote a fanfic about it.

With the preamble out of the way, now it’s time for the really fun part (which will ideally be all that I have to say on the subject because, as you’ll see in here, this touches on a lot of personal shit for me that I’m much happier NOT shoving my face in all over again)

If you don’t agree with my take on things when I’m done, that’s fine. We don’t have to agree as long as we can respect each other while disagreeing — but you know what would be the best for my mental health, in terms of talking about anything, Voltron-wise? Dealing with these arguments as little as possible because I would rather not relapse into active suicidal ideation again.

Want to talk Voltron with me? Cool. All I ask is that you ask me about, for instance, my dumb college AU headcanons — which have, among other things, Hunk/Keith/Lance, Matt/Shiro, Allura/Shay, a lot of Keith & Shiro brother feels, Pidge being 15 and usually some degree of Done with everybody, and Lotor the preening douchebag fratbro — or my “#someone please help takashi shirogane” tag, or how Keith is autistic as Hell and Lance and Hunk have ADHD, not about the latest round of fans being complete assholes to each other.

Anyway, anon is speaking in reference to this post that I made while I was barely awake last night.

cw for discussion of abuse, harassment, suicide-baiting, and suicidal ideation underneath the read more.

1. Those ages are not actually canon.

Yes, they are a fair interpretation of canon, but until they are actually said in the show itself, they’re not fully fledged canon and you can’t expect everyone in the fandom to agree on them OR to know what you’re talking about when you treat them as if they’re canon

Also, not everyone keeps up with every single panel, every single interview, every single thing that TPTB say or post on social media, etc., and no one should ever *NEED* to keep up with absolutely every single piece of anything that is even remotely related to the thing they like in order to be part of the fandom — especially not when statements made by TPTB are often vague and/or self-contradictory, as statements made by TPTB often are (not specifically VLD’s TPTB, but TPTB for every fandom I have ever been in, even when there was just one creator, like JKR)

Like, if you understand that someone isn’t, “less of a fan” of Marvel or DC just because they haven’t read absolutely every story even remotely involving their faves, can’t tell you everything about the weird period where Wolverine’s backstory involved him being not a mutant in the usual sense but an actual facts wolverine who had been turned into a humanoid shape by “genetic engineering” magic, like [the movies, the Teen Titans cartoon or Young Justice or X-Men: Evolution, or whatever] more than the comics, and so on

—then you should damn well understand that someone is not, “less of a fan” for not keeping up on absolutely every single thing that TPTB say in any context ever, and that someone isn’t “wrong” or a “lesser fan” coming to an interpretation of the characters’ respective ages based solely on the show because that is the only thing they watch related to the fandom

Speaking of JKR, though: frankly, I see this age thing as being a very similar situation to how JKR “confirmed” that Dumbledore is gay…… in a special thing at Carnegie Hall, a few months after DH first came out (she made those statements in October 2007. I was a freshman in college, and everyone in the grindeldore comm on LJ absolutely lost our shit over it).

Sure, it spread like wildfire, but a ton of people at the time decided that it didn’t count as canon because it wasn’t in the books (so they were allowed to keep acting like Dumbledore/McGonagall had been canon when it hadn’t been), and someone who is just reading the books without knowing about that interview would not necessarily know that Dumbledore is gay (which is entirely why JKR does not get Good Ally Cookies™ for just going, “lol he’s gay” only after all the books had been published and she’d inked all the future movie deals)

Likewise: someone who only watches the show would have no way of knowing all of the things that have been said or not about the characters’ ages (I am literally only vaguely aware of it because of having friends on all sides of the debate and hearing about different parts of everything from them)

Until the ages that some people assign to Shiro and Keith (and everyone else, besides) are actual facts, in the show canon, treating them as if they are isn’t fair or accurate, and you can’t hold people accountable for it when it’s not in the show and the extra-canonical statements don’t actually agree with each other

and 2. (way more importantly) Because I have seen the receipts on people harassing, suicide-baiting, abusing, etc. people over shipping Keith/Shiro romantically, and aside from the fact that the ages people are using to justify said behavior are not hard-facts, full truth canon, I don’t believe that it is ever right or acceptable to tell other human beings to kill themselves, that they deserve to die, or similar just because they have a different read on canon and/or like a different ship than you do.

Don’t tell me that nobody does that, because I’ve seen the receipts about how they very much have.

To be fair, I have also seen receipts about bad behavior from the Keith/Shiro shippers and I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen.

I’m saying that I’ve seen a lot more of it from the people bashing the Keith/Shiro shippers and I understand why Keith/Shiro shippers might feel uncomfortable or judged or like I’m going to attack them just because I love the Keith and Shiro relationship as much as they do, I just don’t ship it romantically.

I’m also not saying that there aren’t good points on all sides… but all sides ALSO have a lot of points that are, frankly, full of shit.

Don’t tell me that it’s only a vocal minority who does this, because that might be true (in my experience, it almost certainly is), but until the silent majority stands up and tells said “vocal minority” that suicide-baiting people is not okay, then the relative sizes of their contingents does not fucking matter — because the people doing the suicide-baiting are still allowed to continue doing it.

Look. On one hand, I am sensitive to this, because I have personally been harassed, cyberstalked, suicide-baited, and worse in other fandoms — all because I didn’t ship one thing, I did ship others, and I tried to go, “Hey, the way that you guys are treating other fans isn’t cool and you really shouldn’t do that” when some fans treated others like shit for not liking their OTP and wanting to have some kind of space in the fandom where they could like their faves and ship their ships without every single thing being turned into S//terek some other ship

Maybe it’s just me? But as someone who has found themself needing to get put on new anxiety meds and a higher dose of their antidepressants because of people on the Internet refusing to give me peace and telling me to kill myself (or similar) over not shipping their ship and saying that they shouldn’t harass other fans — and then still found myself, at one point, counting out my anxiety meds to figure out if I could overdose on what I had, and only realized how bad this was because my head was too muddled to do the fucking math?

Yeah, you could say that I have a bias in favor of, “Don’t fucking suicide-bait people” and can understand why the behavior of some people who bash Keith/Shiro might make the people who ship it romantically feel like they’d be in danger of bashing or personal attacks from me just because I don’t personally read their relationship as one that is or could be romantic

On the other hand: I’m sensitive to this because I have also done a lot of shit that I’m not proud of while trying to go, “Hey, guys, this pattern or this behavior in the fandom is pretty racist, ableist, misogynistic, abusive, or whatever, otherwise gross; it’s not cool and we should stop enabling it.”

I understand where a lot of the intensity comes from, on the parts of the people who believe that they’re trying to make their fandoms of choice into better and/or safer spaces, more accessible to more people and more fun for more people — and in theory, I support the move to make fandoms safer…… but I can’t support a practice of doing this that repeats so many of the same mistakes that have hurt people before, have hurt me personally before, and/or that I personally did that hurt other people before.

Also? Because I have been there, done that, and gotten approximately twenty-seven t-shirts, I know how easy it is to lose sight of what you think you are doing, how easy it is to lose perspective on what you’re doing, and how easy it is to start doing shit that actively hurts people (and not to any constructive end), while you are nominally trying not to hurt people

So, I’m not unsympathetic to the people who’ve been bashing Keith/Shiro shippers and I don’t think that most of them are bad people — but I still know, from having been on both sides of this, that what I have seen of a lot of their behavior is doing more harm than good (and fun fact, it was the biggest reason why I didn’t watch VLD at all until my goddaughters [who are 12 and 14] watched it, fell in love, and I wanted to know what they were talking about)

TL;DR: I’m concerned about the feelings and comfort of Keith/Shiro shippers, and not making them feel uncomfortable or like they are going to be attacked if I want to venture out into their fan-spaces, because I understand that they have been targeted and hurt before, in ways that I consider to be completely unacceptable because I’ve hurt people in the same ways before and been hurt by similar behaviors

—and if you can understand that someone might not feel comfortable being friends with someone because they romantically ship a couple that you interpret as being an adult and a teenager, despite the fact that this IS NOT hard-facts canon? then you should damn well understand why someone might not feel entirely safe or comfortable being friends with someone who doesn’t romo-ship their OTP, when not romo-shipping their OTP tends to be directly correlated to shit like stalking, harassment, abusive anon comments, and fucking suicide-baiting

—and I really cannot stress enough how much the suicide-baiting point shits me, okay.

Like, I have dealt with suicidal ideation and attempts since I was eight years old. I hate and am deeply ashamed of the fact that I have ever made other people feel as low as I have when I’ve wanted to die. I still struggle a LOT with blaming myself for, “letting other people [online and offline] make me feel like that,” despite knowing that I shouldn’t blame myself and despite the fact that I have told other people NOT to blame themselves for this kind of thing before.

If I’m an irredeemably terrible person for feeling like nobody ever deserves to be suicide-baited over what they ship or don’t ship, and that, even if they don’t tag as responsibly as they could, they deserve to be treated with the bare minimum of interpersonal decency and not attacked until such point as they start actively attacking someone else in the same ways that everyone who sends harassment, suicide-baiting, etc. has done and continues to do?

—then fine, I guess I’ll be an irredeemably terrible person.

I’d rather need to have difficult discussions, try to have them in the most constructive way possible for as many people as possible, accept a flawed system in the hopes of making it better, accept that (unfortunately) there is no such thing as a perfectly safe space for everyone and that trying to make any given space safer is always going to be an incredibly difficult task that involves some degree of compromise and some kind of Choices by all involved, and try my best to treat people with empathy, compassion, and understanding

It’s not an easy solution, it’s not always a particularly comforting way to approach things, and in my experience, it will demand a LOT from anyone who wants to go this route

But I’ve made people feel terrible over things that were not nearly as “pure” or ideologically righteous or important as I thought they were, and I have been suicide-baited more than enough for one lifetime (I’ve been suicide-baited by my own mother more than enough for one lifetime, never mind having it happen in fandom spaces too), and I hope that you’ll understand if I have no desire to go back to either of those places — especially not the one where I make people feel like shit, and especially when I’m trying to be a better person and not do things like that to people

This is rambling and repetitive and has really stopped being a TL;DR summary

I’m sorry, I stand by what I’ve said but I haven’t gotten more than 5 hours of sleep a night in the past three days and it’s doing a number on my attention span

I’m done talking now

Here’s a picture of my family’s dog as a reward for making it this far (unless you’ve decided to flame me while reading, in which case this is still a picture of our dog but it’s not a reward for you, I just can’t stop you from looking at it)

(okay, I couldn’t pick just one picture of our dog, so here she is being lazy and dressed as a lobster for Halloween, respectively)

#tangentially since i brought it up: happy 10th birthday to harry potter & the deathly hallows #but in all seriousness: i would appreciate it if this is all that i need to say on this subject #there's a reason why i generally don't talk about this shit in public anymore #and the reason is that i don't like being in a suicidal headspace #so i'm taking personal responsibility and trying to stop doing things that put me there #like for instance engaging with debates where people have been suicide baited #when man i just want to have sad headcanons & know how i'm supposed to tag them #so that i don't end up unwittingly hurting someone else (and preferably do not get suicide-baited again but in a new fandom)#ask box tag #opinions for ts #wank for ts #fandom shenanigans #mine: fandom blah blah blah #kassie hush #kassie watches netflix voltron #suicide baiting cw #suicidal ideation cw #Anonymous

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