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thisisarcanereverie · 1 year

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When the World Went to Shit (Chapter 4)

Joel Miller x FEM! Reader

A/N: this is a SPOILER WARNING, this contains spoliers from the third episode (and more to come). This is a day late, watched episode 5 last night for the first time and I needed a moment oh my god. I was barely ready to write about episode 3, now I have to look forward to episode 5. I am already in tears over it.

WARNINGS: Canon level of violence, swears, reader is ready to fight a goddamn child, Joel is sad, talks of grief, PTSD, brief mentions of gore, Eventual Smut, pining (on both ends), grumpy idiots in love, reader is in her late 30's to early to mid 40's. Major character deaths. DISCLAIMER NO CHARACTERS/GIFS/PICS USED ARE MINE.

Summary: 20 years later after the world went to shit you, Joel, and Tess have to take 14 year old Ellie to the Firefly base outside of Boston QZ. What was supposed to be a simple plan turned into something much more complicated.

Prev. Chapter

Moving on was often easier said than done.

You don’t know how long you walked before finally resting. However, once you did your very bones felt like cement bricks weighing you down. You weren’t as young as you were before everything went to shit, you’ve lost too much to have that kind of energy anyways.

Tess.

There were times during the walk where you almost turned to look for Tess only to remind yourself of the fiery inferno that you had just left behind. You looked at Joel, who sat next to the bank of the stream alone in front of you. He was silent, which didn’t surprise you. He didn’t talk for days after Sarah died, he didn’t eat, he hardly slept, he would only look ahead like he was now. But you looked behind you to see Joel's coat draped over Ellie, it practically engulfed her small frame. You hoped she didn’t blame herself, it wasn’t her fault and you knew that.

You blamed yourself though, you should’ve said something sooner. You shouldn’t have had her tackle the clicker, you should’ve just shot it, this was all your fault.

You look up and blink away the tears that were forming, no, this was not the time for this. You loved Tess, but you all knew what you were getting into and what the risks were leaving the QZ. You just hoped she found peace, in those final moments and now. You hoped she was somewhere quiet and with her son.

You decided to busy yourself, you grabbed the empty water bottles with the intention of filling them up by the stream. You knelt down on the damp stones, near where the water brushes and began examining it. You thanked the stars that your uncles taught you how to look for clean water. You grabbed some of the cool water, checking for any cloudiness or suspicious debris, once that checked out you moved on to step two and smelled it checking for any unnatural odor, the only thing you smelled was the pine from the trees and the crispness of the air. You proceeded to unscrew the water bottles and fill them up, you tried to busy your mind with your surroundings as you did. Trying not to think about Tess, or Joel, or Ellie, or everyone else that you lost. Your mind took in the scent of the pine and the crispness of the air despite the clear skies. Winter was going to come early, you could tell.

After you had finished filling everyone's cantines you started back only to pause by a tree. It faced the stream and its branches filtered the light of the sun. You stayed there a moment and picked at the bark, it was soft enough to etch in. You set down the containers and grabbed the knife you always kept with you and etched Tess’s name into the bark. Deep enough for it to remain for a long time. People don’t have graves anymore, at least, not the typical ones with stones, so you hoped that the tree would suffice. Tess’s body might not be under that tree, but her name was. And maybe that was all that mattered.

You took in a deep breath, taking in one last look at her name before grabbing the water bottles and walking back where Ellie and Joel were. They didn’t need to know about the tree, and if you knew Joel as well as you think you did, you were sure that he had already made a grave for Tess himself.

You gave Ellie her container, she said a silent thank you as she grabbed it, you nodded at her before going to give Joel his. He accepted it wordlessly, grunting instead.

“So,” you start as you take a sip of the cool water before putting the cantine in your bag, “where are we taking her?”

“Bill and Franks,” Joel doesn’t look at you as he answers, “they’ll take care of her there.”

You couldn’t argue with that, you were meaning to visit them soon anyways. Bill was overdue for a checkup and you wanted to see how Frank’s condition was progressing. There was no cure for it, even before the outbreak, but maybe it had slowed.

But that was unlikely.

“It should only be a four, maybe three hour walk from here.” You gave a generalized guess as you leaned against the tree across from Joel who still wouldn’t look at you.

“It’ll be five,” Joel corrected, “we’re going to stay here for another ten minutes before we start walking again. If everything works out right we’ll be at Bill and Franks before nightfall.” you nod as you sit on the base of the tree as you wait, listening to the sound of birds as you take the piece of ration jerky that Joel offers you with a small thanks. Munching on the dry, flavorless piece of meat before handing the rest to Ellie.

“I’ve never been in the woods before,” Ellie says, breaking the silence, “more bugs than I thought there would be.”

You hum in acknowledgement while Joel says silent, you lean your head against the bark of the tree but you don’t dare close your eyes. You watch the light filter through the branches instead. An uncomfortable silence follows briefly before it’s broken once again.

“Look I’ve been thinking abou-”

“I don’t want your sorries,” Joel interrupted, grabbing his bag and swinging around his shoulders.

“I wasn’t gonna say I’m sorry,” Ellie says with an edge to her voice, her gaze at Joel unwavering, “I was gonna say that I’ve been thinking about what happened. Nobody made you guys or Tess take me, Nobody made you go along with this plan. You needed a truck battery or whatever and you made a choice.” Joel stood silently as Ellie continued, “So don’t blame me for something that isn’t my fault.”

When she talked like that it was hard to remember that Ellie was a 14 year old girl. When you were 14 years old you were going through a horse phase and dreamt of those men you would see on your mom’s soap operas. That was an entire lifetime ago, in a world that was a little kinder than the one you were living in now, a little more forgiving. Ellie had never known such a world, she’s had to fight every single day she’s been in it and that panged you deep in your soul, in a place that only time could hurt.

“None of it was your fault.” You said and Ellie turned to you, “We all knew what the risks were.” you got up from where you sat, some joints popping in the process, you turned to look at Joel, his eyes looked at you for a second before turning to the girl, you did the same thing, you walked over to her and gave her a hand, “the only thing we can do now is move on.” Ellie waited before accepting your hand, careful not to dirty Joel’s jacket as she stood. The words you say hang in the air as Ellie reaches the hand holding the jacket out to Joel, who accepts it wordlessly. The tension from earlier dissipates as you all begin walking towards the abandoned station.

Along the way Ellie would point out a certain tree or pick up a small trinket whether that would be a feather or a really cool looking rock. You engaged her some, answering some of her questions, taking a break over the bridge to just throw random junk you found in the water with her, just to watch it ripple. Even Joel would engage her, answering a few questions here and there, telling her a few survival things. But he didn’t say much other than that, you knew he was just distancing himself, not growing attached which was the smart thing to do and if you were smart you would do the same thing.

But you didn’t always do the smart thing.

Once you reached a clear trail you followed it a-ways, careful to keep a hand steady on your handgun and checking for any odd things. Like a random ribbon tied to a branch, or fresh tire marks. Anything that might indicate other people, you weren’t so much worried for clickers as you were about raiders and looters.

“So,” Ellie began as she walked a hand on the strap of her bag, “have you guys gone this way a lot?” you and Joel both nodded, “no infected?”

“Not often,” Joel assured, “no.”

“Then what are you looking out for?”

“People.” Joel answered, You saw Ellie pick up the pace so that her steps matched his. You could tell Ellie liked Joel, despite his gruff and otherwise pretty intimidating personality.

“Are Bill and Frank nice?” Ellie asks, her head turning to Joel.

“Frank is.”

Frank was nice, you didn’t get to meet him until you accompanied Joel the next time he went there to give that wire to Bill, but he treated you like an old friend. You even made it a point to try to grab art supplies while you were out to give him, usually it was new brushes or supplies to make canvases. Bill on the other hand reminded you of Joel. Gruff and intimidating on the outside, but you get past the harder exterior is just a man who's lost a lot, and is willing to do anything for the people he cares about.

Sometimes you wonder if you even made it on that small list to Joel.

“How’d you get that scar on your head?” You’ve come to understand in the limited time you’ve had with her that Ellie was naturally curious and asked a lot of questions. You look at Joel a moment, examining his features. He was attractive, not by post-outbreak standards but before then. You remember seeing him for the first time in years the night of the outbreak, when his hair was still dark and his tanned skin still retained some youthful glow. But even as cruel times have been, the grays in his hair and stubble made him look more distinguished in a way, his skin the lines that indicated his age were small and suited him along with the scars. You don’t know if you could say that for yourself, but at least you were getting older you reasoned. That meant that you were still alive.

You looked at that particular scar and remembered fixing it up. It needed stitches but you were low on supplies, so you used superglue instead. That was something you learned to do when you were around ten, you had cut open your leg pretty bad and it needed stitches. But money was tight and medical insurance was a luxury many couldn’t afford, so your mom superglued it instead. It was painful but pain can sometimes give way to learning valuable things, even when it doesn’t seem like it at the time.

“I was the one to patch that up I think,” you commented walking side by side on the road with Ellie and Joel, “used the last of that superglue tube on it.” You resist the urge to trace the scar with your fingers, Joel wasn’t a touchy person and you couldn’t blame him.

“You super glued it?” Ellie asked quizzically.

“Yeah,” you confirmed, “I learned that trick from my mom.” You saw one of her eyebrows lift as her face contorted to an even more puzzled look.

“Wasn’t there like, actual hospitals when you grew up? Like doctors and nurses and medicine and all the stuff a hospital has?”

“Yeah,” You sighed, “but we couldn’t afford medical insurance, and without insurance the hospital bill would’ve cost us a small fortune that we didn’t have.” You see her face get even more confused, which you couldn’t blame her. One of the small blessings that came with the outbreak was that medical insurance was extinct, so if you managed to find a doctor and got treated, it wouldn’t come at the cost of a kidney or half a lung.

“Well that sounds stupid,” Ellie states before turning back to Joel, “anyways, did you get it by falling down stairs or something embarrassing like that? Please tell me it was something embarrassing!”

“I didn’t fall down any stairs,” Joel answered shortly, clearly not wanting to elaborate.

“Okay, so what then?” She persisted. You could hear Joel sigh in defeat as he gave an answer

“Someone shot at me and they missed,” Joel brushed off.

“See that’s cool!” Ellie exclaimed, it wasn’t so cool then. You were there that night, it left a few scars on you too. You remember him not looking afraid, even as you patched him up. But you remember his hands trembling though, he tried to hide it but then again he never could hide much from you. “You shoot back?”

“Yeah”

“You get him?”

“No I missed too,” Joel says, “that happens more than you think.”

“Cause you suck at shooting or just in general?” You couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped you. That was something Bill would say, has said before actually. You see Joel turn his head to you with a deadpan glare as you pretend to clear your throat, poorly covering up the previous sound. He rolled his eyes before returning his glare to the brunette beside him.

“I’m not even going to respond to that.” Joel said, returning his gaze to the road ahead.

“Isn’t saying that responding?”

You smile as Joel gives her the side eye before quickening his pace, you decide to hang back with Ellie instead of catching up with Joel. You walk in silence for a few steps, pretending not to notice Ellie’s gaze on the gun in your hand.

“So,” Ellie drawls, “since it’s just the three of us-”

“In your dreams,” You don’t even look at her but you just know she’s rolling her eyes.

You walk a little further until you walk around the fallen telephone line and see the familiar faded sign that reads “Cumberland Farms”. It had seen better days, with its ivy-covered walls and boarded windows, but it was safe and it held supplies that Joel, Tess, and you had stored up over the years. Even Tommy stored things here from time to time. Though, you guess, Tommy already grabbed whatever he had left behind.

“Hang back a minute,” Joel instructed, “gotta grab some stuff I stashed.”

“Stashed?” Ellie questioned looking at the rundown building apprehensively, “why do you have stuff stashed here?”

“You ask a lot of goddamn questions,” Joel pointed out.

“Yes I do.”

You and Ellie followed Joel through the door. Anything that was worth anything had already been cleaned out, now what remains was mostly bare walls and empty shelves and one lone arcade machine that had long since been out of order.

“To answer your question,” You started as Joel took a quick survey around the place, “we stash things on routes in case we find ourselves low on ammo or gear.”

“Which we currently are.” Joel added as he lowered his gun to walk towards the stash. However he didn’t get more than two steps in before you heard Ellie take in a breath.

“No Way!” She exclaimed as she made her way to the old arcade game turning her head to you guys for a moment, excitement in her eyes, “you guys ever play this?”

“Not really, no” You answered, watching how she fiddled with the joysticks and buttons.

“I had a friend who knew all about this game-” As Ellie continued to play with the controls despite nothing happening and talked about the game, you noticed Joel moving things out of the way searching for the stash.

“You ok there Joel?” You asked.

“Peachy,” Joel lied, “just looking for the stash.”

“You do know where the stash is right?” You asked skeptically, watching as he continued his search.

“It’s here,” Joel confirmed a low groan escaping him, “I just forgot where I put it.”

“Why isn’t it over where it usually is?”

“Because I moved it.” Joel stated as he continued to search

“Why did you move it?”

“Cause I did ok?” Joel responded, pausing his search to turn to you, his hands resting on his hips with his one leg out and that crinkle in between his brows that he gets when he’s frustrated and oh god FOCUS!

“That doesn’t explain why-”

“Look I know it’s here, I just-”

“You guys sound like an old married couple.” Ellie remarked, at some point she stopped talking nonstop about the arcade game and turned her attention to you two, who were bickering back and forth.

“We’re not a couple!” You exclaimed

“We’re not old!” Joel said.

You and Joel looked at each other for a moment, both saying different things at the same time, before returning your mutual glares at the small teenager in front of you, whose hands were held up in surrender.

“I only said you sound like an old married couple, not that you were.” Ellie then walked away from the arcade game she had been fixated on earlier. “I’m just gonna take a look around and see if there’s anything good.” but before she disappeared behind a door that led to a worn down break room. She turned back to look at Joel.

“Anything bad in here?”

“Just you.” he replied as he refused to look at you. Ellie scoffs a silent ‘ah, getting funnier” before finally disappearing behind the broken down doorway.

An awkward silence fills the space between you and Joel for a moment before he continues zeroing in on where he put the spare supplies. You take advantage of his avoiding gaze to look at him, to study how his shoulders moved with his breathing and one peppered curl hung in front of his forehead, you watched as the small streams of light bled through cracks of the boards and caught him in it. You stayed like that a second before you began to move as well.

“I’m gonna go keep and eye on-”

“You go do that.”

As you walked towards the door you heard something rattle only for a silent ‘fuck’ escape his lips. You walk in on her kneeling to the ground, finding a trap door you discovered your first time here a couple years ago.

“It’s been picked over already,” you said as you walked to stand by her, there had been a few cans and a box of tampons, which you quickly made sure to put in your pack. There also had been a clicker, but it had been trapped, an easy kill. A merciful kill.

“Still,” Ellie said standing up and brushing the dust and dirt off her knees, “would’ve been interesting to see what was down there.”

“Trust me,” you said, “nothing interesting.” for a moment you thank god that Ellie wasn’t going to mention what had transpired back the-

“So what’s going on between you and Joel?”

Thanks rescinded.

“What do you mean?” You ask obliviously, hoping she would get the hint of you not wanting to talk about it. Only to see her eyes roll, goddamn this girl does that a lot, and letting out a soft scoff.

“Yeah ok.” She says as she casually kicks some of the trash and debris, “denial is a river in Mississippi, and you are clearly swimming in it.” You furrow your brows as you grow slightly concerned over what FEDRA considered education.

“It’s actually a river in Egypt.” You corrected, crossing your arms, “and besides it’s not denial…and it’s also not your business.”

“I’m just saying,” Ellie says, looking at you, “I didn’t hear him deny you two being a couple.” You watched as she made fake kissy faces, clearly trying to invoke a reaction out of you, a rise maybe. You let out a long sigh, she technically wasn’t wrong. But Joel doesn’t look at you that way, the only time you saw him looking at someone in that way was Tess; and now Tess is gone and the pain of that loss was still fresh. An open, bleeding wound, one you couldn’t fix with a tube of superglue or a bandage. And even if it wasn’t, Joel would never look at you that way so why hope?

“And what about you?” You questioned.

“What about me?”

“About that ‘friend’ of yours you were talking about back there,” one eyebrow raised as you saw a slight flush on her cheeks, “the one who knew all about that game back there.”

“She’s just a friend,” Ellie quickly says before a somber tone enters her eyes which turns to the floor below, “was just a friend.” You regret bringing it up. You saw how dramatically her body language changed, how she played with the loose string on her long sleeve, and she herself leaned against the wall.

“I’m sorry,” you say, not knowing what else to do, “I’m sure she was pretty cool.”

“Yeah,” Ellie confirms, brushing some flyaways from her face, “she was.” She turned her eyes to you, a nervous expression rested on her face, like she was contemplating asking something before she went ahead and asked anyway. “Have you ever lost someone?”

“I’ve lost plenty,” you said.

“Have you ever lost someone you liked?” Ellie asked, “someone you loved.”

You knew what she meant by that, by someone you loved.

“Yeah,” you said, “I have.”

“Who?”

“My husband,” you admitted, “he died a year or two before the outbreak.”

“How did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Move on.”

Those two words hung there between you, you tried to think about him at least once a day. Sometimes you would go a day or two and he didn’t cross your mind but then something would happen or you would see something that reminded you of him and there he would be. His face had long since blurred to you but you still remember small things, like his smile or the way he smelled. But time did funny things, he died before things went to shit and for that you were oddly thankful. He was a kind soul, and you would’ve hated to see what this world would’ve turned him into.

“I don’t think you ever really do,” you admit, “but time has a funny way of doing things. I can’t remember his face but I remember that I loved him and that he was kind. Maybe that’s enough.” you confided, “Let time do its thing, it’s gonna hurt in the beginning, but some odd years down the line it’ll hurt less and less until one day you’ll think of them and smile. Knowing that while you can’t remember some things, you do remember what was important.”

You pretended not to notice her wiping the corners of her eyes with her sleeve, but you returned the sad smile she gave you with one of her own.

“Thanks,” Ellie said, “and for what it’s worth, I’m sorry about your loss.”

“Thank you.” there was silence between you, it wasn’t uncomfortable or strained. It was peaceful, one of understanding. However it didn’t last long, you must have been too quiet for too long since you heard Joel’s voice call out.

“Doc?” Joel called, “Ellie?”

“C’mon kiddo,” you say as you both move from your respective places and head towards Joel.

“You’re not gonna talk about this with Joel or anything right?” Ellie asked, still picking at the end of her sleeve.

“No,” You assure her, “besides girl talk stays between us girls alright?” you gave her a mischievous wink as you saw her smile and let out a small laugh.

“Yeah,” she sighed, “girl talk.”

Joel was there at the door as you both exited the break room, seemingly tense.

“At ease Joel it’s just us,” you said, the previous awkwardness disappearing between you two.

“You were quiet,” Joel says, “you’re almost never quiet.”

“I’m plenty quiet.”

“You are,” Joel says before turning to the brunette beside you, “her on the other hand.” You laughed as Ellie gave him a half hearted ha ha before her attention turned to the opened container in the first aisle.

“See you found it.”

“Told you it was here.”

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes as you walked towards the supplies to reload on ammo and a few other things. There wasn’t much, but it was better that way. There were a few different places that you stored supplies along the usual routes, so your supplies were scattered but at least that means that if someone were to stumble upon the stash. You would take less of a hit than say if you put all the supplies in one place and someone just so happened to stumble upon everything and take it.

“Did you reload?” You asked as you put your gun in your back pocket, newly reloaded.

“Yeah,” Joel confirmed as he closed the box and settled it back in its place under the floor.. You had to admit, this was a better hiding place for it than behind the fake wall where it was previously. Not that you would actually admit this out loud to him.

“What are you doing?” Ellie asks as she sees Joel lower the large gun that was previously strapped to him in the ground with it.

“There’s not much ammo out there for this kind of gun,” Joel explained, “makes it mostly useless.”

“Well,” Ellie drawled, you already knew where this was going, “if you’re not-”

“In your dreams kiddo.” You said before she could any further before finally placing the fake floor board above the box and gun. You heard her huff but paid no mind to it as you made sure it was sealed. After that you and the rest of the group grabbed your bags and left.

Not knowing if you would ever see this place again.

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