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birbleafs · 4 years

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[fic] A Much Ado About (PSI)oulmates

Series: Saiki Kusuo no Ψ-nan || The Disastrous Life of Saiki K. Rating: T Genre: Humour, Breaking The Fourth Wall Character(s): Saiki Kusuo, Aiura Mikoto, Satou Hiroshi, Akechi Touma, Toritsuka Reita Warnings: None, save for canon-typical shenanigans Summary: Aiura decides to combine her divination abilities with Kusuo’s powers for a super special comedic segment on Affinity Levels. Fic can also be read on AO3 _______

Excerpt taken from clairvoyant Dame Mata-Mata’s advert for Amazing Psychic Services:

99.9% accurate affinity readings and guaranteed life-long happiness! Discover your twin flame with as little 10,000 yen per hour! Some would say it’s foolish to risk your future and wallet on such clandestine offerings, but we assure you, we are no worse than the underhanded brand marketing on children’s television series! Call 1800-TWINFLAMES -1234567 to book a reading today!!

***

Anyone who would believe such clandestine and shady offerings isn’t just a fool but a complete buffoon, Kusuo scoffs impassively at the flyer before him. This is definitely worse than the underhanded brand marketing on children’s TV shows.

“They’re a total noob at it, fer sure!” Aiura says, leaning in too close and posing next to Kusuo as she takes a wefie with her phone. “Like sure, the concept of twin flames and soulmates ain’t new, but to claim everyone has half a soul yearning to get jiggy with its other missing half for life-long bliss is like, a gross oversimplification.” I don’t really care to be honest, Kusuo deadpans. He stares sullenly at how Aiura’s arm is still wrapped around his; she offers him a cheeky grin and a peace sign, snapping yet another wefie before she finally slides away to the opposite seat. “Soulmates just have more natural affinity for each other,” Aiura says, batting her eyelashes at him coyly. “But just like with everything, it doesn’t mean you don’t need to put in any effort to make it work! Hey, speaking of which—the author has a super special birthday tradition where she writes and/or posts up a new story, so this fanfic can totally be about Affinity Meters, right?!” Don’t know what you’re going on about and still don’t actually care, Kusuo retorts, shoving a spoonful of coffee jelly into his mouth as he resolutely tries to enjoy his Sunday afternoon. But Aiura persists, easily breaking the fourth wall to elaborate further: “Just like how Kusuo can use the Affection Meter to quantify a person’s love for another, today we’ll combine Kusuo’s telepathy and my own divination abilities to measure soulmate compatibility via Affinity Levels! So, without further ado, let’s go, let’s goooo!” Aiura, no, Kusuo groans in quiet despair. “Miko-chan, YES!” Aiura whoops, fist-pumping the prologue away as the scene fades out. _______

Satou Hiroshi

Conventional. Moderate. Regular. Behold the quintessential stock background character, the pinnacle of normality—Satou Hiroshi. Standing at a height of 169.9 centimeters and weighing at precisely 61.0 kilograms—the exact national average of a healthy sixteen-year-old Japanese male—he is the gold standard, the epitome of normal. It’s a shame then that few recognize Satou-kun’s remarkable ordinariness, Kusuo muses, watching said background character ambling down the sidewalk with an approving smile. Nevertheless, perhaps that may be to my benefit. Surely our Affinity Levels must be pretty high; after all, we’re both normal and regular high-school teens who do not stand out much— “I don’t think using your powers to make yourself inconspicuous counts though,” Aiura says as she glances over Kusuo’s shoulder, puzzled at his fixation on someone so… well, boring. Kusuo isn’t even listening. We both have regular aspirations and hobbies, seeking only to live peaceful days! “Funnily, I now remember peeking at Normal-kun’s fortune for Hii-chan. And get this, his biggest dream is being on stage as a rock star! Like seriously, how typical can he get?” —So, taking into consideration all of the above, Kusuo presses on, undeterred by Aiura’s commentary, surely we would hit it off as friends with optimal affinity levels! “Uhm, Kusuo?” Aiura nudges him with her elbow, pointing at the meter hovering beside them. “Not to be a wet blanket and all, but the Affinity Meter started running again as you were waxing lyrical earlier, so now it’s showing that Normal-kun and your Affinity Levels are like, really just two stars at best.” She leans forward, squinting at the screen. “Simply because he thinks you’re okay but still a bit of a weirdo. Dayum, the nerve of this twerp!” Kusuo stares wordlessly at her for a beat, slack-jawed. A-Ahyuu…?

Affinity Level: ☆☆ _______

ii.

Akechi Touma

“It pains me to have to do this,” Aiura lets out a dramatic sigh. “But since Childhood Friends is a pretty popular trope in animanga, and therefore in fanfiction, I guess there’s no avoiding it.” Kusuo scowls, not liking where this is heading at all. It can totally be avoided. We can just avoid talking about it altogether. “Is that you, Kusuo-kun?” Akechi says as he suddenly appears at Kusuo’s side, curiosity in his eyes. “Oh, I see Aiura-san is here as well. I couldn’t help but notice how you two were standing and talking together so I thought I should come say hello, even though I was rather hesitant at first. I didn’t want to abruptly barge into your conversation, you see, as that would have been awfully rude, and I certainly don’t wish for you to think of me as rude, Kusuo-kun.” Yet here you are barging in anyway, blathering on incessantly like a runaway freight train, Kusuo remarks drily. “Well, I couldn’t help but overhear the mention of Affinity Levels,” Akeichi beams as he continues, unfazed by the jibe. “And I can’t say my curiosity isn’t the least bit piqued, even if I have little to no real interest or belief in the notion of soulmates. In fact, the existence of an actual soul remains debatable in scientific circles—” Exasperated, Aiura tries to interject. “Since you ain’t all that interested, mind if you just zip those lips for like five minutes? My hair’s gone all frizzy from the heat of your endless jabbering!” “However, these debates on the existence of the soul had also been instrumental to the understanding of the anatomy and physiology of the human body—” “Oh my God, please just stop yapping for ONE sec—!!” Aiura shrieks, tugging at her curls in frustration. She accidentally kicks the Affinity Meter to start running, and the lights blink and flash in a rapid blur before the meter gradually slows down to display four bright stars upon its screen. There’s a beat; the trio leans forward, staring at the meter in awkward silence. Kusuo’s brows are furrowed at the unexpected results; he shrugs it off as a fluke. Clearly there’s some technical issue with Affinity Meter (never mind that the meter works, in part, based on Aiura’s divination abilities, which have, to date, always been accurate). There’s just no way Akechi could ever beat Satou-kun on that scale, he’s too much of an abnormal— But Aiura is already moving forward, reaching out to grasp Akechi’s hand in a firm handshake. “Aiura-san? Is there something…?” She acknowledges Akechi’s curious gaze with a curt nod. “All right, I can’t deny it any longer. Not with that impressive detective aura of yours and with results like that on both Kusuo and my own Affinity Meter.” Oi, oi. Don’t start spouting weird nonsense now, Miss Abnormal! “All right, Akeinu! I hereby deem you a worthy rival in the fight to stand as Kusuo’s trusted sidekick!” “Oho! You’ve even given me a cutesy nickname as acknowledgment! I must say I’m quite flattered, Aiura-san.” How about I side-kick both of you out of my life right now? Kusuo sighs, mildly perturbed by this unexpected turn of events.

Affinity Level: ☆☆☆☆ _______

iii.

Toritsuka Reita

…… …… …… What, did you seriously think Toritsuka was getting a proper scene? He’s already way too pathetic. NEXT— “W-wait, did you just cut my scene?!” Toritsuka shrieks from the void like a headless chicken. “Don’t just write me off, Saiki-saaan!!” —Saiki exits stage left, pursuing normalcy. “And don’t just narrate yourself out!!”

Affinity Level: N.A. _______

iv. Aiura Mikoto

“At first glance, you might think we make for an odd couple,” Aiura says with a coquettish smile. “And how it seems absolutely cray that we could get along. Or like, that we don’t mesh just ‘cause our personalities clash way too much or somethin’.” She chuckles at the notion, running perfectly manicured nails through her luscious locks. “I mean, it’s obvs only those inexperienced with the inner workings of the heart would think that. Because opposites attract, y’know? It’s the push-pull dynamism between us that spices things up! Like two tango dancers stirring up a flame on the dance floor—it keeps things refreshing and exciting, but still comforting and familiar in the end, like sharing a nice, warm bath at the end of the day, or cuddling up together at the sofa, feeding each other spoons of dessert…” Aiura pauses, blushing when she catches sight of the Affinity Meter fluttering gently by her shoulder, at the line of stars glowing from the screen, a beacon of reassurance of their status as soulmates. She turns towards Kusuo, suddenly self-conscious as she tucks a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “Say, Kusuo… How about we head to that nice dessert buffet together and—” Only to realize she had been practically talking to thin air all this time. “H-Huh?! Aww, gimme a break! Where did you run off to this time, Kusuooo?!”

Affinity Level: ☆☆☆☆☆ _______ v.

Coffee Jelly

Good grief—finally some peace and quiet. Kusuo sighs as he leans back into the leather seat of his booth, in a nondescript cafe far away from his usual annoyances. He dips a spoon into his dessert bowl, lifting a dark sliver of coffee jelly to his mouth, and smiles in absolute contentment. There’s a soft whirr, and then a ping from somewhere below. He flicks a furtive gaze at the Affinity Meter hovering at the empty space beside him, curious despite himself. The endless line of glowing stars are probably a bit much, but he smiles anyway at the screen. Huh. I guess it works after all.

Affinity Level: ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

—End— _______ Notes:

It’s tradition for myself to spend my birthday writing and/or sharing a new fic (happy birthday to me!! lol). I also had this sitting in my draft for way too long and decided to kick myself to finish it. Apologies for any typoes/errors.

Comments and critique are always welcomed for my fics—I'd like to hear what you think, if you've enjoyed this! Thanks for reading :)

#saiki kusuo no psi nan #the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo #aiura mikoto #fanfic #psychickers #too lazy to tag all the characters here #but it's basically the pk psychickers + mr. normal-kun lol

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icedcappujaeno · 5 years

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03. Signal. | jjh. [ idol!au ]

warnings: none in particular.

word count: 1,547

“There’s something on your sandwich.”

Before you could even react, Soomin was already taking the sandwich off your hands, peeled the piece of paper away and gave it back to you. Your stomach growled for the 3rd time today and it was only 10A.M. - and the only meal that was in your stomach right now was the small cup of coffee your manager made for you before going to your respective schedules. Now, you’re inside the dressing room, taking a break for at least 10 minutes before your respective make-up artists and hairdresser do their works on your trio.

To say that you’re hungry was an understatement. Famished seemed to fit better with how badly you want to take a bite off the sandwich you’re holding right now. Though you try your best not to roll your eyes and grunt as it was deemed unfit for a lady-like idol like you, you still did. Voluntarily.

“Let me guess, it’s from Valentine’s boy again?” Mari giggled, taking a bite off her own sandwich as well. “I wish Chanyeol-sunbae would do the same for m-ouch!”

You glared and pinched your co-worker’s side before she could even end her statement. All the while she’s talking, you finished your share - all in hunger. Your female manager was glaring daggers at your direction but you heed no mind - what is etiquette and public figure when you’re dying of hunger in any moment?

Also, you did glare at your other manager, who was a male. It was him who went to the cafeteria and got your snacks, and apparently, he was an asset to all these stuff. He only shrugged and chuckled, so he was taking part in this - why was it so fun to tease you with Jaehyun?

“What did it say?” Mari cooed, leaving her seat beside yours to scoot beside Soomin.

“For the meantime, I hope this will do. But next time, I want to take you out on a romantic dinner for two. - JH”

Soomin and Mari looked at each other with knowing smiles on their lips.

“Gross!”

“But it’s still sweet Soomin! And it rhymes too!” Mari laughed, slapping Soomin’s thigh out of habit.

You only blew a raspberry, and your manager thanked all the heavens that your hair isn’t done yet as your hands ran through your hair in frustration - forehead lightly bumping the tabletop. You were sure it will leave a red mark - but whatever, your make-up artist would do something about it anyway.

“Why don’t you just tell it to him straight?” Soomin shrugged, picking one of the sliced apples from her plate. “It’s been months, I kinda feel pity for the guy.”

“He’s going to be enlisted next year!” Mari reminded. “At least give him a chance? I mean, he’s pretty cute-”

“Why don’t you date him then?” You jabbered and raised your head.

“Ah, Jaehyun’s not really my type. I told you, Chanyeol-su-”

“I get it,” your eyes rolled annoyingly. Although sometimes Mari’s crush over your seniors are cute, it gets overboard. But now you know she’s just teasing you. Everybody does.

“Break’s over, let’s get back to work,” your female manager said, cleaning up the left-overs at your table while the three of you go back to your respective places to get dolled up for music core.

“This came in the mail.”

A bouquet is thrown on your bed by your female manager while you were busy putting make-up on. You were glad she came in with notice because you were sure that your make-up will get ruined once she didn’t. Another thing you’re sure of was the sender of the said bouquet, and looking at your manager’s expression through the mirror, she wasn’t very happy about it.

“Message him to stop, please.” Though you weren’t pleading, rather than a command. You could only sigh and nodded, saying that you will and she left. You picked up your phone and took a deep breath before typing in his name on the recipient bar.

It only took you seconds before you received a reply.

You sighed. Pretty sure this is going to be a long conversation. You know he’s joking, but the topic isn’t going anywhere intellectual.

Finally.

You locked your phone and continued with your make-up. You were glad that you woke up earlier than expected, so you had a lot of time to prepare for an appearance at a music festival later at night. For a moment, you felt weird with Jaehyun’s final reply. It felt odd but you carried on, and just when you finished your brows, his message tone ringed and your phone lit up.

Ugh!

Jaehyun was at his peak.

A solo single coming out to the public in 2 days, which concludes fan signs on the following weeks during the promotion. Music shows and award show appearances. Another recording for collaboration for SMTOWN Station in the next month. Jaehyun did have time, but it was all cramped on his busy, idol, schedule.

All while the others are still in the military, Jaehyun and the remaining had to carry their group name, as well as keep the sales coming for the company. The idol industry isn’t just entertainment, after all. In the end, it was business -- the rest of those who still haven’t enlisted must carry on.

And because Jaehyun is going to be enlisted for the next year and a half - it was only necessary that the company utilize each member, especially Jaehyun. In this current generation, Jaehyun is a King - all with his god-like visuals and heaven-sent voice, it was sure that he’ll be stable until his enlistment.

But all that, King Jaehyun is lonely. Sure, his entire body and soul is dedicated to his work - it’s his life. But his heart was needing something - someone to fill its void. And he was pursuing that need, the need that was you.

“Have you heard?”

Soomin asked, looking directly at your eating figure. You were slurping on a cup of ramyeon as you watched The King of Masked Singer with your team: squished between you and your female manager was Mari while Soomin rests her head on your crossed legs.

“Heard what?” You replied, slurping on another set of noodles.

Soomin wiped her face in disgust while some of the ramyeon soup went on her face. “God, I wish our fans could see how much of a pig you are.”

“Whatever,” you replied.

“What were you going to say Soomin?” Mari asked, eyes still glued on the TV. It was very much expected of Mari not to forget rumors — but not choreo. You still love her anyway.

“Jaehyun was rushed to the hospital just this afternoon.”

You coughed, dropping some blessing onto Soomin’s face causing her to jump.

“Ya!”

Thankfully there was a nightstand beside the couch where you placed your ramyeon. You wiped your mouth from the droplets of spicy and salty ramyeon and immediately fished your phone from the side of the couch and dialed Jaehyun’s number.

The other line answered, Jaehyun’s voice resonating through.

“Yes hello? It’s rare for you to call,” you hear him chuckle.

“Are you okay sunbae?”

“What do you mean?”

Your brows raised with his question — confusion was written all over your face. Soomin shrugged and stood from where she sat, Mari and your manager following you. As soon as they had their backs on you, they giggled, making you miss the smug grins on their faces.

“Hello? Still there?” Jaehyun asked on the line.

“Yes, Soomin told me you were rushed to the hospital—“

“I’m perfectly fine,” he laughs. “I think you just missed me.”

You felt your cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Proven, you were stupid enough to fall for Soomin and Mari’s tricks. You were thankful that Jaehyun can’t see your face as you were sure that your face is as red as a tomato right now.

“I’m just worried…” with threaded words you replied.

“Sure you do,” and sure you were that he was being sarcastic.

“Sunbae…” You could only flop your butt back on the couch, palming your forehead of how much dumb you are.

“Well, I’m glad that my baby missed me, but break’s over and I have to head back to practice,” he chuckled.

“Alright,” you sighed. Yes, you heard the name he called you, but you were sure that if you mention it more, more teasings would come your way. You decided to pretend that you didn’t hear it. “Goodluck with practice, Jaehyun-sunbae.”

You hear the line go silent that you thought he ended it without you noticing, but when you looked at the screen, he was still on. You put your phone back beside your ear and hummed. “Sunbae, put the line down.”

“Why don’t you go first?” His tone was teasing—you could almost see the smugness written all over his features.

“Alright. Bye sunbae.”

With that, you pressed the red button on your phone and tossed it aside—The King of Masked Singer already on its ending cue.

On the other line, however, was Jaehyun lying on the hospital bed, IV inserted on his median cubital. His lips tugged into a smile as the call ended as your photo with him flashed on the screen.

“Hard to get, are we?”

the third fic for @jackbabewang and I’s drabble game! check out her work here!

#jaehyun fic #jaehyun drabble #jaehyun fluff #nct drabbles #nct imagines #jaehyun angst #nct jaehyun #jaehyun scenario #nct jaehyun scenario #jung jaehyun

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clockworkmoose · 5 years

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mmmmnnnnnyh personal work related fuckery

I function best when I can make repetitive schedules or plan for events far in advance. I’ve got agendas and notebooks and calendars and agendas and notebooks... to the point where if something is sprung on me and I’m not given enough time to properly draft a resolution to modify the plans, take it to the council, put the motion to a vote...

my snap response is to get really testy and panicky and I default to this thirty second breakdown of COOL! GREAT! WHY DON’T WE JUST CANCEL ALL THE PLANS!!! WIPE THE BOARD CLEAN! NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING! TIME IS A CONSTRUCT AND THE FUTURE IS CHAOS! I’M THRIVING!!!!!!! before I can wrestle myself back to “no, we can do this now, this other thing can be moved to tomorrow, it’s no problem, just pencil it in.”

And I know I do this and that it really stresses me out so I really try my best to, first, plan things out properly in advance so I know what’s upcoming and it’s not a surprise, and then, second, also be communicative with people about what events and plans might get tossed at me so that it’s not a total surprise when it’s tossed at me.

So I’m sitting here today, trying to make the schedule for the second half of March for my two employees and myself.

One of my employees has a full time (30+ hours) job, and is a part time student. Last semester, she worked Monday-Wednesday-Friday evenings after her classes, and then Saturdays (10 hours a week). And she liked this schedule, so for an entire semester the schedule was consistent for her, me, and my other part time employee.

This semester, in early January, she informed me she was going to have a late class on Tuesday and Thursday, and requests Wednesdays off. So the first two weeks of January pass with her working Monday-Friday-Saturday (8 hours), and then she comes to me and says she’d like her Saturdays off so she has a day for homework, and can she work Tuesday or Thursday instead of Monday and Friday so she has time for extracurriculars at school?

But here’s the thing. She is in class until 7:45, we close at 9 on Tuesday-Thursday. After driving, she would have a 1 hour shift, and I would have 10 hours. And with the way she arrives to her shift and then immediately launches into stories and she does not shut up even if you rudely tell her you need her to be quiet you’re literally on the phone with a customer and can’t listen to her jabbering on about writing a screenplay (that is already so good hollywood’s going to be salivating to turn it into a blockbuster) about a giant colonial era cotton plantation and also someone gets murdered while her brilliant centuries-ahead-of-her-time self insert that everyone calls “yum yum dog food” makes references to the modern year and takes over running the plantation, but there’s no slaves in this story because she doesn’t want to deal with writing about slavery as it would ““““““put a damper””””” on the story?????......... Rant-ception, sorry.

It takes me so long to tell her what needs doing that I would end up being there almost until 9 anyways trying to disengage from her and get out. And I do not want to. I tell her that’s not going to work. She understands, so she asks if instead I can schedule her only 2 days a week.

So for the next two weeks, I schedule her Friday-Saturday only, and I work a 9 hour day on Wednesdays so that my other part time employee isn’t working Sunday-Thursday every evening in a row. And then she comes back and says that 6 hours? Not enough paycheck. Can she also work Wednesdays? And Fridays?

So. 10 hours. Her original schedule. More than the 8 that was “too much.” I schedule her that for ONE week, anticipating it’s going to be “too much” and SURE ENOUGH yes it is. And she comes back to me asking if I can give her less hours again. Either week days or week ends, but not both. She is officially dubbed wishywashy.

At the same time, my other employee who has thus far not caused me any problems has requested Saturdays off (she has since she began working for me and it’s been fine) and maybe some weekday morning shifts instead of evening shifts so she can spend time with her girlfriend in the evenings. And so far this employee hasn’t caused me any stress or grief and although I don’t really want to work evenings either (I hired both of them for nights and weekends specifically!) I’ve already been working evenings to cover other employee’s too-many-hours-not-enough-hours wishywashyness, so sure, I can work on accommodating that.

So now I’m looking at the schedule for March I’m trying to make.

I’m obligated to work on Saturdays, that’s part of my position. And if I give wishywashy employee just weekends, that means I don’t get a day off during the week, I work 6 days straight, and my good employee has to work every single weekday, 4 out of five being evening shifts. And she loses her Sunday shift that she enjoys working. If I give wishywashy employee just week day shifts, she can only work Monday-Wednesday-Friday (which was “too much”), and good employee has to work Sundays, evenings on Tuesday-Thursday, and Saturdays which she would prefer not to work. And either way, this is ringing a little too much like punishing the employee who does a good job to reward the employee that does a bad job, and that doesn’t sit right with me. (Found out from last job the reason I never got the backup help I asked for was that I was too good at my job, and the lazy person who took over my position immediately got backup to make the job easier, so wtf! Uncool!)

So I’m sitting here stressing out over how I’m going to juggle the schedule to appease someone who just CAN’T be appeased and changes her mind every single week about what she wants... and I’m realizing I haven’t had a consistent weekly schedule at any point in January or February. I’ve had to work on what should have been days off and I’ve been working anywhere between 3 and 11 hour days, and right now, working 14 days in a row without a day off.

Which is explaining a lot???

I haven’t been able to properly plan out anything or anticipate my schedule and have just been in a general sense of anxiety for weeks now and did not realize just how much battery power it takes just to be stressed. I haven’t had the social energy to chat with or hang out with with anyone since the holidays because I’ve been dancing around what’s going to work for a part time employee so much I’ve completely neglected what’s going to work for me? I think I’ve logged into discord maybe five times? Haven’t drawn since December, haven’t done fantrolls or RP in as long, and pushed back three of our weekly dnd games just because I wasn’t feeling up to DMing or talking to friends? And was debating just straight up not going to our weekly trivia game because time is a construct and the future is chaos who even cares that trivia has been well established and consistent for almost 2 years, fuck the whole system!!!

And holy shit, now realizing the cause of my general withdrawing from everyone and everything that’s supposed to be stress RELIEVING is a huge relief in of itself? I still don’t have any sort of consistency going in to March, but at least now I know why I am struggling and failing and can properly attribute it to a cause rather than just feeling like I’ve fucked up somewhere and can’t function properly as a human being.

And for the second half of March, I’m going to start scheduling what’s best for me, and if wishywashy can’t handle her shifts, that’s going to be her problem to solve, not mine.

4 more weeks of this though.... fuck me for making the schedule in advance so my employees can plan their lives out in advance rather than throwing it up the day before the week begins lmao!!!!!!!

#moosemun #work blogging

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trendingnewsb · 6 years

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5 Superhero Movies That Are Only Worth It For One Scene

Bad superhero films are a treasure. Not only does one make you disappointed with Hollywood for creating a bad movie, but it also makes you doubly frustrated because they’re messing up something that you know is good in comic book form. However, we shouldn’t write off a bad superhero movie immediately. Upon closer examination, these terrible films can contain little glimpses of promise — little glimpses that make you say “This might be a secret masterpiece.” Or at least, “This doesn’t suck every poop.”

Batman & Robin — The Criminal Property Locker

In the annals of bad superhero films, Batman & Robin stands alone. It isn’t a “Well, maybe it’s not THAT bad” film like Superman Returns or Spider-Man 3. It isn’t a “I’ll forget the plot of this before I even leave the theater” film like X-Men: The Last Stand or Daredevil. It isn’t a “That’s a damn shame” film like Superman IV: The Quest For Peace or Robocop 2. And it isn’t a “If there is a God, they wouldn’t let this happen” film like Catwoman or Spawn. Instead, it’s a film that somehow gets both more amazingly terrible and more inexplicably enjoyable with time. I hate it and I love it in equal measure, and years after I’m dead, researchers will discover my skeleton clinging to a VHS copy of it, like Quasimodo and Esmeralda at the end of Hunchback Of Notre Dame.

But the movie does have one extremely cool split second. Now, there is a well-known Easter egg in Batman & Robin: When Bane and Poison Ivy are breaking Mr. Freeze out of Arkham Asylum, you get a glimpse of the “Criminal Property Locker.” And in the locker are the costumes of the Riddler and Two-Face from Batman Forever. That’s kind of neat — though since Two-Face died by falling into a spiky underwater pit, it does imply that some poor Arkham intern had to dry-clean and sew his fucking suit back together.

Warner Bros.

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5 Things You Can't Help But Wonder When Watching Movies

But the rest of the stuff in the room implies that when the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman wasn’t eviscerating clowns or neon terrorists, he was still pretty busy. Beside the Riddler’s suit is a doll, so at some point, was Val Kilmer punching the shit out of B-list villain Toyman? Or is that the work of the Dollmaker, a guy who made dolls out of his victims’ skin? Is that dude still in Arkham? It’s unlikely, considering that Michael Keaton’s Batman was one part hero and nine parts sadist, and probably attached a bomb to Dollmaker and peed on him a little bit before even learning his name. But still, the scene adds history to a series that seemed to be mostly about Batman sitting around in his office, waiting for crime to happen.

And then, on the right side, we see a pair of boxing gloves. So good luck, guy who was using those. I’m sure your career as Two-Punch Man was really hitting its peak just before Michael Keaton ripped your intestines out through your eye holes.

But the most interesting part is the big mechanical suit that we see, and on first glance, you’d probably assume that it’s Mr. Freeze’s suit, since that’s what Poison Ivy broke into the locker to get. But Mr. Freeze’s suit looks nothing like that. So either Mr. Freeze has been fighting Batman and Robin for so long that he’s had to upgrade his technology in order to keep his chilly ass un-kicked, or it belongs to another mech-suited villain. The pyromaniac Firefly, maybe? That would be so awesome, and now I’m so pissed that I never got to see Val Kilmer stare expressionless around a bug man with a flamethrower. What were you even good for if you couldn’t give us that, the ’90s?

Judge Dredd — The Angel Gang

Judge Dredd came out in 1995, when we were still trying to figure out whether superhero movies were going to be a thing. Sure, Superman and Batman had been pretty successful, but was there hope for anyone else? The answer to that was “Not yet,” as proven by the lackluster Judge Dredd, which featured Sylvester Stallone. I know that we’re all currently pretty high on Stallone after Creed, but between Rocky IV and Rocky Balboa, he was having a rough time being in any movie that someone could honestly call good. At his best, he was in films like Demolition Man — or as my dad would call it, Daniel, we need to talk.

Judge Dredd has sweet set design, but other than that, it’s a lot of Stallone and Armand Assante shouting at side characters who are too useless to be given their own shouting dialogue. The only time it really perks up is when Stallone and his little buddy Rob Schneider get captured in the wastelands by the Angel Gang. The Angel Gang are cannibals, and their role in the movie almost feels like Judge Dredd DLC. But during the gang’s brief vacation in your eyeballs, Judge Dredd ceases to be a humdrum exploration into the beauty of shoulder pads, and starts feeling special.

There are plenty of movies wherein superheroes fight random gangs. There are just as many superhero movies where the hero is forced to fight a guy who could’ve been a hero, but instead went evil. But there are very few superhero films in which the hero has to tangle with the cast of The Hills Have Eyes. The Angel Gang is a bunch of wild cards. They don’t want to build a city-sinking torpedo or open up a portal to release an ancient evil whatever; they just want to snack on you a little bit. They won’t say any clever lines or reveal any master plans. At most, they’ll maybe give you a recipe for you, medium-rare.

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Sadly, their stay is brief, because Stallone soon escapes and jams an electrical wire into the head of most monosyllabic among them. Of course, the mutant does get to say, “You killed my Pa,” so it’s not a total waste.

Blade: Trinity — The Human Farm

Throughout the Blade series, characters are constantly mentioning the fact that the vampire universe is bigger than you know. Sure, you think we live in a world of humans and puppy dogs and hit singles from Evanescence, but underneath it all, there’s a society of vampires. And when that society decides to rule the world, Blade will … take them out pretty easily, actually. For a race that’s apparently thiiiiis close to dominating the world, they sure seem to be divided into easily spin-kicked pockets.

Blade: Trinity is the worst Blade film. The best thing about Blade and Blade 2 is that they feel inventive and fresh. You’re getting things from them that you wouldn’t get from a Spider-Man or X-Men film — namely, Wesley Snipes cursing and reducing screeching henchmen to ashes. It’s why they’re two of my favorite superhero films. On the other hand, Blade: Trinity features boring-ass Dracula and his something or another quest to vaguely rule the world. After years of tackling rave mutants and goth Nosferatus, Blade’s final fight is with a bad Witcher cosplayer.

Luckily, we do get one scene that feels like it came out of the earlier films. Blade finds a human farm, where a bunch of comatose people are vacuum-sealed into big Ziploc bags and used as a constant source of vampire food. It’s super creepy, and when Blade gets told that they’re all brain-dead, he shuts the whole thing down with barely a second thought or a quietly growled “motherfucker.”

New Line Cinema

It also gives the movie (and the series) a sense of grand scale that it had been lacking. Oh, THIS is what the vampires were hyping up when they were jabbering on about their big vampire plans. Well, I apologize for not paying more attention, emo ghouls. My bad. My bad.

X-Men: Apocalypse — Wolverine’s Introduction

Before Logan, we only got tastes of Wolverine’s full potential as a fighter. One taste was in X2, when he has to defend Xavier’s School for Kool Kidz and Cyclops from William Stryker’s men. But the best pre-Logan scene of Wolverine grinding his way through bad guys in order to level up for the final boss was in X-Men: Apocalypse. Wolverine appears for only a few minutes in this movie, and he looks like an absolute monster.

Imagine you’re a security guard for some mutant research project. You don’t really worry about those mutants escaping, because why would you? They’re usually sedated and subdued, and if they did start waking up, there’s a whole room full of guys with heavy firearms who would blow them away. Then one day, you’re eatin’ a microwavable chicken pot pie and thinking about your novel when you hear “Weapon X is loose.” You know, the most dangerous experiment in a whole building full of dangerous experiments. Will the gun they’ve given you work against someone with adamantium claws and, if the rumors you heard are true, healing powers? Maybe.

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That’s the feeling you get during the scene in which Wolverine escapes: pure, pee-your-pants, “Oh my god, I was not properly trained for this” terror. Sure, Logan has a lot of scenes where he cuts his way through dudes, but that movie frames it as action, while this turns Wolverine into a slasher villain. It doesn’t hurt that the scene ends with a splash of blood coming from offscreen, which is slasher movie code for “Daaaammmnnn.”

The rest of the movie is pretty subpar. The X-Men’s most powerful villain, Apocalypse, is handled so poorly that you just wish Magneto could be the main bad guy for the fourth time. But I guess it’s to be expected that the best part of an X-Men film would include Hugh Jackman. Oh, Hugh. Was it something I said? Please come back.

Batman v. Superman — The Warehouse Fight

Batman v. Superman didn’t give us a lot of what I would call “iconic” Batman moments. At one point, he does ask Superman, “Do you bleed?” and that’s pretty cool. But then Superman flies off because he has more important things to do than to lightly argue with some billionaire manchild, leaving Batman just standing there. So what does Batman do? He says, “You will,” and TOTALLY WINS THAT CONVERSATION. You sure got him, dude helplessly standing in the wreckage of his super car. I’m sure the shower argument that you had by yourself later was full of similar zingers. “DO YOU BLEED? WELL, I BET YOU DO. AND THEN I’D FUCKING PUNCH HIM LIKE THIS, AND SUPERMAN WOULD BE ALL LIKE, ‘NO, PLEASE, STOP, BATMAN. I BET YOUR PENIS DOESN’T EVEN SLIGHTLY CURVE TO THE LEFT.’ AND I’D BE ALL LIKE BAM. POW. SHUT UP.”

On a more positive note, Batman v. Superman does have one awesome scene: the warehouse fight. Now, before I get into why this part is so great, I do have to say that a lot of it has to do with the critically acclaimed Batman: Arkham games, which make every other Batman fight scene in every other medium look like a slap fight among friends. In the Arkham games, you can sneak up behind a dude, choke him out, zip up to a gargoyle, fly over and drop-kick a man’s torso off his body, zip back up to another gargoyle, tie a guy up to said gargoyle, throw a smoke pellet, hit a thug with an electric shock gun, choke out another dude, and then run up to the last dude as he fills you with bullets and hope that your body armor holds up for long enough so that Batman can someday wear the man’s skull as a shoe.

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That’s the kind of thing that we got in the Batman v. Superman warehouse scene, during which Batman goes back and forth, rearranging an entire gang’s internal organs using everything in his disposal. Here are a few highlights:

– A guy comes into the room brandishing a grenade, so Batman kicks a guy he already has hanging from the ceiling into the grenade man.

– Batman Rock Bottoms a dude into the floor — a technique most assuredly taught to him by Ra’s al Ghul when Batman trained with all of those ninjas. “You must learn to conquer your fear, Bruce,” I remember Ra’s saying in Batman Begins. “CONQUER IT WITH THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW.”

– Batman uses his grappling hook gun thing to sling a box into a guy, and the guy gets hit so hard that he flies into a wall and the back of his goddamn head apparently comes off.

There are a lot of people who have a problem with Batman committing murder, but since my favorite superhero film is Batman Returns, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. At the very least, it gave us a chance to experience an Arkham City level on the big screen, narrated entirely by Ben Affleck’s grunts.

Daniel has a Twitter. Go to it. Enjoy yourself. Kick your boots off and stay for a while.

Live long enough to see yourself become the villain with your own Batman Utility Belt!

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almostentirelylost-blog · 7 years

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Austria, In All Her Glory

Vienna pt. 1: Hello, Nikki

Well, getting into Vienna was easy enough. It's a bit of a stretch (four hours), but that gave me plenty of time to really get over that headache I had. Arrived and left the airport into downtown, busy, business hub Vienna. The scenery at first was absolutely not idfferent from any large American city. So I guess the conclusion there is that they could do work on first impressions. The train station wasn't why I was there though, so I found myself a map, and started walking to the hostel I was staying at. Reviews were all over the board, I had no idea what to look for in location, but the price was good. Very good. Turns out I got extremely lucky on that front. After about a half-hour of walking I found the place, a big wooden door in an ancient building, which led into a beautiful, quaint little hostel/bnb thing.

They really did very well with it, if any of you should ever end up in Vienna I would highly recommend the Hotel Pension-Museum. Right in the middle of the Museumsquariat, for all of you that enjoy seeing old things and exploring old places.

So, got settled in, got in contact with a close friend of mine that happened to be visiting Vienna at the same time, and then started wandering around. Wandering around is quickly becoming a custom of mine in new cities. Before I do anything else, I'll just get myself nice and lost. There's no better way to get to know your way around a place than by doing this. By the time my friend was ready, I had to take an uber to find him, and we immediately left (with his older sister as our guide) heading into a gorgeous, vibrantly colorful central park to find a little biergarten. She (friend's sister) said this was the best place to get all the authentic Austrian cuisine.

Found a table under a tree, got a beer, and ordered the classic Wiener Schnitzel. There are some of my readers that may not know, Vienna is Wien in German, so Wiener is literally " Vienna resident, or Viennese(?). Think about that next time you call someone a wiener. The schnitzel was stupid good, by the way, and immediately put me into a near food-coma state that I've been finding myself in altogether too frequently this trip. But, beer always helps with that, or so I tell myself. So we had another round and went on our merry way.

Vienna pt. II: The Night Life Next stop was one of the hippest spots for youth and students to go to in Vienna. Located in another one of the old town parks with a sprawling, lounge-like patio. Despite the fact that it was a weekday, there was a DJ and the place was jam packed. We managed to find ourselves a nice couch on the patio and ordered cocktails, while watching the intensely serious DJ do his thing. I suppose I didn't know what to expect of the nightlife in Vienna, but I also don't think that was what I would have imagined. I guess I expected more lasers and fog machines, that sort of thing, but it really was a classy, maybe even borderline upper scale lounge and cocktail bar.

Something to be noted about craft-cocktails in Vienna; they seem to always be very, very sweet. Would recommend letting the ice melt a while before consumption.

After that we went to another lounge, this time on a roof, where I got to take a bunch of pictures of Vienna at night. Oh and learned another interesting fact; in alt-stadt (old town) no buildings are allowed to be taller than the churches. Of which there are three major ones, which are all stunningly beautiful. An opulent testament to the wealth and power of one of the worst organizations that has happened to this planet. Very pretty though, and very old. That's the end of that first day and night in Vienna.

Vienna pt III: The Next Day

The next day I met up with my friend and his girlfriend and went to breakfast at what was apparently one of the oldest cafes and also the general meeting place for Vienna's wealthy, political, and business population. I was promptly informed that I had to get a Melange. A Melange, as I learned is a Viennese specialty, and maybe you coffee nerds can tell me the difference, but I thought it tasted like coffee with milk in it. I guess there's a bunch of milk foam on the surface. But coffee is always good, so no complaints. I'm regretting now that I didn't spend more time at Landtmann's to explore their pastries, because the selection was fabulous. Glass racks inside the cafe showcasing dozens of slices of different kinds of cakes, tarts, pies, and other such delicious treats.

After a hearty breakfast of fresh-baked rolls, meats, cheeses, jellies/jams, and an apfel strudel, we decided to part ways. I wanted to see museums and churches and all the cool stuff. They wanted to go shopping. I didn't get to do as many museums/palace visits as I wanted because I immediately got completely lost and ended up in this insane little bazaar/market area. Imagine, if you will, a perfectly stereotypical European folksmarket. That, except that without fail it was authentic and not intended for tourists. All these wonderful smells and sights and the crazy jabber of that singular Viennese dialect made for a fantastic afternoon, even if I didn't see as much of what I had planned on seeing. After more meandering, I eventually found my way back to a familiar part, and got in touch with that pal o' mine. The idea was that we would go the Hotel Sacher and get ourselves a Melange and a couple slices of Sacher torte, which is world-renowned for it's excellence. I have to say, cake doesn't get much better than that. Rich dark chocolate, layered with raspberry and coated in a heavy chocolate/marzipan glaze of sorts. That slice went very quickly, and buying another was a bit too expensive for my taste. So we made dinner plans (spoilers, they got cancelled) and then went back to our own adventures. I went back to the room to change and shower for this metal bar I had heard tell of.

Vienna pt IV: Amananth's Place

It was everything promised. Dark, brooding atmosphere, good beers, and metalheads. I spent the rest of my evening there, talking about metal and shows and video games. Because not all nerds are metalheads, but all metalheads are nerds. Yeah this is a short section, but there's not too much to tell. I'll post the picture (ha, if I ever post any of the few hundred pictures I have) that defined that visit.

Salzburg pt I: Underwhelmed The next stop was Salzburg. A place I had heard a great deal about, but didn't originally plan on visiting. Friendo and his girlfriendo were taking the same train for part of the way, so got to spend a little more time with them before they got off. Upon getting into Salzburg, my first thought was " this is it? " after all that beautiful countryside with the picturesque little homes and farms. The sweeping, cold mountain ranges, and dense forests... I guess I expected a bit more of an old-world city at first. This is also why you never go off of first impressions.

Salzburg is named such because it straddles a river that used to be a major highway for salt barges, built because of the salt mines nearby and also because the mountains offer a commanding view of the surrounding countryside. The city's officials and royalty became extraordinarily rich by taxing these salt barges, and naturally the city developed more and more, a castle was built... well less of a castle and more of a fortress. So, after having learned these facts, I found the Salzburg I was looking for. It's all right against the river (the name is escaping me at the moment) and also built right up against this fortress-mountain. I mean sheer cliff walls overlooking a cobblestone paved neighborhood with winding, dark alleyways and all sorts of mazelike offshoots filled with the most bizarre beergardens and cafes. I could have (and did) spent hours just wandering these streets. At night they were even better. Dusky old alleyways and imposing cathedrals, with old Austrians hanging outside of the entryways to their favorite pubs.

Really a fun place. Sadly it is rather commercialized, and during the daytime the tourists were almost unbearable. Also I understand full well that I'm a tourist, but I don't like the crowds very much and don't like listening to Americans while I'm trying to enjoy an Augustiner-Brau and a plate loaded with roast chicken and potatoes. It loses some of the charm, you know? My original plan was to spend a day in Salzburg and then make my out to one of the surrounding towns, maybe see some of the countryside there... but public transportation for that sort of thing was lacking and I couldn't justify 200 euros for a day trip just to see a lake. That's okay though, I'll get my fill of countryside, I'm not worried about that.

Salzburg pt. II: The Metal

An ongoing theme for me has been finding metal bars in every city I visit. Salzburg was no exception, and I can happily say that Heavy Rotation is thus far a favorite. For you Colorado readers, they played Proponent for Sentience by Allegeaon. For you non-Colorado metalheads, Allegeaon is a Denver based band that plays a ruthless brand of ear melting prog-death metal, and you should listen to them. Also shame on you for not knowing them already.

Anwyays, on my way to said metal bar, I got totally lost again and ended up taking this absurdly steep, ancient looking stairway up the side of a mountain (shortcuts). That led to a phenomenal view of the entire city, and a little Fransiscan monastary. I figured after that climb, I should have a beer, and where better to get beer than at a monastary on top of a mountain. Turns out that not only were they not the sort of monks that brew beer, but also not the sort of monks that appreciate people taking videos of them singing hymns. I got kicked out, and made my way back down the mountain, found my bar, and also found that beer I wanted.

The bar itself was dark, smoky, and filled with raucous metalheads. Met some great people, drank some great beers, and was introduced to a local liqueuer called Zirben, which was too delicious to be real. That stuff is dangerous, watch out for it. Decided to walk back to my Airbnb from there, which was... different. That's a story that isn't for this blog though, and is rather sad.

Salzburg pt. III: The Airbnb I don't know much about Airbnb, I've stayed at a grand total of two so far. This one is my favorite so far, but to be fair, the other one I stayed at was that crazy Czech place that felt like a Soviet remnant. The host was an amicable Salzburg native named Mike, and if you should ever visit, you should stay with him. He is extraordinarily knowledgeable about the city, the sights, and has an exquisite taste in restaurants. His personality is something extraordinary too. I only booked one night, but after the first night he offered me a second night at a heavily discounted rate, stating that I should really have the opportunity to see more. So I took him up on that and stayed two nights in that pretty little city.

This part is a little out of context, and not following the timeline very well, as the previous events happened over the course of two days. Anyways, this part is just a little bump and thank you to Mike for his wonderful hospitality and comfortable little home, I would recommend him to anyone visiting.

#austria #vienna #schnitzel #salzburg #travel #europe #airbnb #mountains #monastary #beer #metal #metalbars #mightbetired

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trendingnewsb · 6 years

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5 Superhero Movies That Are Only Worth It For One Scene

Batman & Robin — The Criminal Property Locker

Warner Bros.