#this is like my first phandomgives
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This was done for @moonypml on twitter, winner of the @phandomgives creator raffle! A redrawing of m&g to nowadays looks in the outfits of her choosing. Thank you for having me! And thank you everyone for donating! See you next time in June ;)
#dnp art#phanart#dan howell#phil lester#dnp#phandomgives#m&g#I especially had fun painting the mushrooms:)#this is like my first phandomgives#so thank you for having me!#I have had a lot of fun:)#my art#my phanart
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finally completed my first @phandomgives prize and one of my most fave peeps @calvinahobbes just happened to be a winner! 🥰 they requested "catboys, sexy catboys, like dan's ~sexy wine photoshoot vibes" and this was born 🙏🏻 there's 2 more alt versions...if you know where to look 👀🔥😈
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~Phandom Gives Creator Raffle FAQ~
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How did you get so immediately involved in dnp community for example, moderating and organising events and helping out with charity things etc?
It may seem like an immediate thing, but it wasn’t.
Two tricks: notice the people that have ideas, and just put yourself in that circle (even if you just lurk for a while). There are niches in fandom that only want to talk about the content Dan and Phil make, but there are also niches teaming with creativity and a desire to use fandom to do something. Just make sure you’re hanging out where the people you want to be more like are. I find IDB to be that kind of place, though it certainly exists on tumblr, too!
Second trick: notice when someone else has a good idea and back them up on it. People need confidence to get anything off the ground, so I try to never be afraid to be the first person to tell someone else when what I think they’re proposing has a lot of merit. For example: IDB wasn’t my idea, though I was on the original team that started it, but I was all fucking in when someone else had the idea. PhandomGives wasn’t my idea, and neither was PhandomWatch (both of which started as ideas on IDB) but I made sure they knew I supported what they were doing and when it came to a point where PhandomWatch needed assistance I volunteered. I’ll also be helping a little more directly with PhandomGives, but you’ll find out more about that in a few weeks.
The same with the Phandom survey (which is happening again this year!) - I knew the original group of people that did it so I just joined in as people previously in charge cycled out of fandom. It’s really all about following people that have the same mindset of wanting to to create community.
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they grew up so nicely, didn’t they? | Phan
Summary: Cornelia doesn’t just get a boyfriend when she starts dating Martyn, she gets a whole second family too. Kath and Nigel welcome her with open arms and she becomes a pseudo older sister to Phil.
She is there watching from the sidelines as a boy bolts right into Phil’s heart and sets up camp. She gets to watch as Dan and Phil build careers and an internet community and all the trials and tribulations, as well as the pride and happiness, it brings along.
Tags: Outsider POV, reality, 2009-2020, families of choice, domestic fluff
Word count: 15.4k
Warnings: Mentions of Nigel's cancer and the worry about losing a parent, minor mentions of Dan's depression + one brief mention of Dan's suicide attempt
Thank you so much to Pam, @obv10usly, for bidding on me for the @phandomgives charity drive for Phil’s birthday. Sorry, it legitimately took 8 months to get it written and finished. You gave me the prompt "outsider pov" which I've never written before, but I loved how this turned out, so thank you!
Next thank you goes to my wonderful beta Ev, @insectbah, who as always came in and fixed up all the little rough bits. You can definitely thank them for the smooth and wonderful reading experience.
Read on AO3 or below
The first time that Cornelia met Phil Lester, she wasn’t sure who was more nervous out of the two of them. She would have thought that it should be her, being his older brother’s new girlfriend coming to visit the family, but she wasn’t so sure when she saw him.
He was tall, even taller than Martyn if she had to guess.
Even so, there was something about the awkward way he held himself, the long fringe he let fall into his eyes to hide them, and his nervous and polite chuckles that made Cornelia want to wrap him up in a blanket and just protect him.
The first visit to Martyn’s parents went off without a hitch. Kath and Nigel were wonderful parents and Cornelia couldn’t help but feel a bit of a yearning to discover a relationship like theirs. They’d found each other and stuck together.
As someone with divorced parents, it was like seeing into a picture-perfect family. She found out in time that they were more than that, of course, but she still maintained that there was something very special about the Lester clan.
She picked Martyn, and she didn’t actively pick his family, but she was more than happy to get them thrown in as well. Martyn was close with both his parents and his little brother and they often visited them.
Slowly but surely, Phil started to relax around her. She’d found out that he was a weird kid, even if kid might be a bit of an odd descriptor for someone past the age of 20. She stood by it. Phil had a childlike glee about him that resonated with her. She’d never wanted to grow up and be boring either, even if she had nine years on him. They got along splendidly.
She got on well with the rest of the family too. It got to the point where it wasn’t odd for her to be at Martyn’s family house without him. One particular day, early autumn of 2009, he had been caught up at work and they’d agreed to just meet up a couple hours later at his folks’ house.
She was more than happy to go there on her own, knowing Phil would probably be home. He’d moved back home after graduating university and when she’d seen him lately, he had that air of uncertainty around him. He was still looking for his place in the world, and she wouldn’t be one to hurry him along.
He’d find something. She had the utmost faith in that.
It filled her with a little glee that she could just stroll up to the door and walk in without knocking. Kath had chided her for always knocking, even when she came alone, because in her words she was family now . Cornelia had never felt so embraced by a boyfriend’s family before and it was a blessing now that she was living so far away from her own family.
She had happily accepted the Lesters as her second family and daily she found herself falling more and more in love with Martyn. He was a good guy and unlike anyone she’d ever met.
Phil was similar to his brother in that way, even if she felt nothing but big sisterly love for him. He didn’t even look up from his position on the sofa when she strolled into the living room. He only seemed to notice her when she plonked down next to him on the sofa. He had his phone in hand, fingers flying clumsily over the keys and he had seemed like he was lost to the world around him in favour of the device in his hand.
Or more likely whatever was on the other side.
Whoever.
“Texting anyone special?” Cornelia asked, moving a little as if to lean in, even if she had no intention of reading his screen without his permission. She just wanted to tease him a little, enjoying the feeling of acting like his big sister.
Phil’s reaction was more than enough of an answer. He yelped, pulling his phone back and out of range from her. It flew halfway across the room and Phil let out another noise, this time a pained one as he sprinted to get the phone, knocking his shin into the coffee table in his hurry. Once he got to the phone, he checked the screen, which was still turned on and open on his conversation. He pulled the phone protectively to his chest as if he could also cradle whomever made him have such a severe reaction. So instinctive, so protective.
Cornelia watched in amusement, the grin creeping higher and higher on her face.
When Phil finally looked up from his phone and met her eyes, he smiled nervously.
“No,” he answered hesitantly to the question that she had almost forgotten what she had asked in the spectacle.
She wasn’t entirely sure why he was lying to her. She knew that he had every right to do so; they had gotten close, but he was still entitled to his secrets. However, another part of her hoped that he at least knew she’d never judge him for anything.
“Oh, sorry, my mistake,” Cornelia said, letting the topic drop if it was one that Phil didn’t want to discuss.
Phil got off where he had kneeled on the floor and slowly walked back to sit down on the sofa. He rubbed his leg, the one he’d banged on the coffee table, but he didn’t even seem to mind it that much. His phone screen was dark now, but he still clutched it tightly in his hand.
“It’s…just a friend,” Phil said eventually, and his words surprised Cornelia. She hadn’t thought he wanted to speak of it, but now that she looked at him, she could tell that wasn’t the case.
He seemed a little torn, like he was scared to talk about it but excited at the same time. Cornelia could recognise that look in herself. She had been like that when she’d first met Martyn, starting to fall for his charms and friendly flirting before they’d even gone out on a date. She’d talked her friends’ ears off about him and they had happily let her.
Sometimes, you just needed someone to talk to.
“New friend?” she asked, as casually as she could.
There was something about Phil’s hesitance that made it seem like she might be broaching a sensitive topic. In the time she’d known Phil, he’d never had a girlfriend but she hadn’t thought that odd. He seemed like a sweet guy, if a little awkward particularly around new people.
Once they had been out to dinner with the whole family for Kath’s last birthday, and the waitress had definitely tried to subtly flirt with Phil. It had gone completely over his head but Cornelia had just thought that he was oblivious. Martyn hadn’t missed the opportunity to tease his little brother about it, but Phil had just gotten flustered and denied that it was happening.
“Yeah,” Phil said quietly. “We’ve been talking for a couple of months online.”
Cornelia nodded and tried to smile reassuringly. She wanted Phil to be able to talk to her.
“That’s cool. Online friends can really be a source of comfort,” she said, honestly. She had quite a few online friends from around the world, even if she didn’t talk to them all that often. It was nice to find someone who liked the same things that you did.
She suspected that it might be different for Phil who was on the internet much more than she ever had been. It had taken her a month of knowing Phil before she had even been told of his YouTube channel, and another month before she had gotten permission to watch his videos.
He had seemed really embarrassed when she’d asked, instantly dismissing them as silly, but she wouldn’t hear of that, not before she had even seen them. She would never classify something someone made, poured their creativity and energy into, as silly. Anyone who’d talked to Phil about his videos would see how much it made him light up with joy. Phil had gotten embarrassed when she’d told him so, but later he’d sent her a video link to his newest video and she took that as confirmation that it was okay.
His videos were funny. Creative. Entertaining and captivating. She didn’t watch all of them, but now and again she’d click onto his channel and see what he was up to, especially if she hadn’t seen him in a while. It felt like a nice little way to stay connected.
“Yeah, it’s really nice,” Phil said with a smile, a bit of the tension in his shoulders easing out. He looked like that sometimes, like he was just waiting for something to pull the rug out from under him.
Phil’s phone buzzed in his hand. Once. Twice. Thrice.
“You better get back to them,” Cornelia said, not even thinking much of her use of a gender-neutral pronoun. It was only natural when you didn’t know the gender of the person you were talking about.
Phil did seem to think about it.
“Him,” he corrected softly, looking up at Cornelia with his eyes a little wide and scared.
She wasn’t sure what to make of this, once more feeling like she might be veering into a territory that wasn’t hers to explore without permission.
“Him,” she echoed with a smile. Phil’s phone buzzed again. “Don’t keep him waiting then.”
Phil flipped over his phone and instantly there was a fond smile on his face. Cornelia had seen a lot of Phil smiles but this one was entirely new. It crept up on his face, one second after the other, deepening the creases of his smile. He looked adorable like that.
He looked smitten.
Cornelia purposely didn’t question it. This didn’t have to mean anything, even if Phil’s behaviour made it very obvious that it mattered in some way.
“He was worried that I’d died when I stopped replying,” Phil said, voice just as fond as his smile. He didn’t even look towards Cornelia as he spoke, more like he was saying it out loud to himself.
He started to text again, and if you didn’t know better, you’d have thought that none of the last ten minutes had happened. He was engrossed into the phone again, and Cornelia decided not to disturb him.
She couldn’t help casting glances his way, taking in how he seemed to brighten as he conversed with this new online friend. Cornelia didn’t care what they might be to each other; she was just very happy to see Phil smile like that.
Martyn arrived an hour later, and he seemed entirely oblivious to how Phil was buried in his phone, or how he quickly shovelled down dinner before excusing himself to run off and get back to the phone. Nigel seemed just as clueless, but Kath was a little more observant.
When Phil almost leapt away from the table after dinner, her eyes lingered where he’d vanished, a contemplative look in her eyes before she turned back towards Martyn and berated him about avoiding his vegetables, like he was a kid and not a full-blown adult.
He grumbled but ate the greens that he’d pushed to the side with a pout. Cornelia leaned over to peck his cheek and he seemed to cheer up a little.
Next time Cornelia saw Phil he was still on his phone a lot. She didn’t question it, but she was surprised when he pulled on her sleeve almost immediately after Martyn out to get them all snacks. They were all hanging out in Martyn’s flat, even though Phil had complained a little about third-wheeling their date.
“Yeah?” she asked.
“I see you smiling at me, you know,” Phil said, but there was no accusation in his voice. He sounded almost touched.
She might have been sending him a couple smiles, smiling because he was smiling at his phone again. She hadn’t expected to find herself a pseudo big sister past the age of 30 but she found that she liked it very much. She wanted all the nice things for Phil.
“I see you smiling at your phone, you know,” she said, teasing lightly in a way that she hoped was okay.
“It’s not the same thing,” Phil argued, wrinkling his nose.
“Isn’t it?” Cornelia asked and now she decided to push, ever so gently. “A friend smiling at something their friend is doing?”
It was an open question. Phil could bat it away without much hesitation. She wouldn’t pursue the line of questioning if he didn’t want her to, but she wanted him to know that it would be okay if he let her know what was really going on.
“It’s not the same,” Phil said, softly but confidently all the same.
“Oh?” Cornelia said, trying to prompt him.
He didn’t look uncomfortable. Just nervous. She could understand that but at the same time, she’d always been told that she was easy to talk to. She was someone that you could depend on. She was proud of that and she wanted Phil to be able to confide in her if he wanted to.
He seemed like he wanted to. He wanted someone to ask. He wanted someone to talk with about this.
“Dan is a friend,” Phil said and Cornelia filed away the boy’s name. She never would have been able to predict how much she’d end up using it. “But… it’s…”
Phil trailed off, twisting his hands in his lap and now he did look uncomfortable and that was the last thing that Cornelia wanted.
“Phil,” she said, and when he looked at her, she was momentarily startled by his eyes and the emotion in them. Fear. Worry. Affection. “Can I see a photo?”
They needed a distraction and this one seemed to do the trick. Phil let out a chuckle, moving his phone to scroll and scroll before he finally found one.
She had expected a posed or high-quality photo, like when she was younger and tried to ensure to her friends that yes, her crush was cute, it was just bad photos! She hadn’t expected to see a grainy photo of Phil’s laptop open on Skype showing an even more pixelated boy.
It wasn’t the clearest photo, but she could still tell that he looked young and he had a brown fringe that didn’t look dissimilar from Phil’s. Cornelia could tell why Phil had picked this photo though, image quality be damned. The boy, Dan, was smiling so wide, dimples in his cheeks, and even through the poor quality Cornelia could see the softness in his eyes and the warmth he almost seemed to radiate.
The implications of the photo hit Cornelia almost as hard as the photo itself. It was clear to see that it was Phil’s laptop, with the stickers near the screen, and she could also see the time in the corner – it had been in the middle of the night when they’d been talking. She felt her breath catch in her throat because her initial suspicion had been right.
This boy was special to Phil, no matter exactly how.
“He looks cute,” she said, carefully taking the phone from Phil.
He let her, but he didn’t look at ease. “Don’t scroll,” he warned her.
She put a hand to her chest and did her best offended fancy lady grunt. “As if I would ever!”
Phil smiled at that and let out a low chuckle. Cornelia didn’t scroll, but she did zoom in to get a better look at Dan’s face. She let her eyes take in his features before swiftly moving her eyes to Phil next to her.
They were sporting matching expressions. Dan in the photo presumably looking at Phil through the screen, and Phil now gazing at the photo of Dan.
“I’m glad you’ve found a friend, Phil,” Cornelia said, sincerely while her heart melted a little. “Have you ever met him in real life? Wait, is he even British?”
“He is…” Phil said and he sounded a little sad all of a sudden. “But he’s nearly across the country. Near Reading.”
“That’s what? 3, 4 hours by train? You know that’s not so far,” Cornelia reminded him gently. “You know, if you ever wanted to see him in person. Hang out.”
“He might not even want that,” Phil said, insecurity creeping into his voice.
Cornelia seriously doubted that with how much the two of them seemed to communicate, but she was cautious of overstepping.
“Just saying. You’ll never know if you don’t ask.”
It later turned out that he did ask. She might have been a little offended that she first saw it on Twitter, but she was too happy for him to actually be mad. It seemed the boy – with the online name @danisnotonfire – was popping up more and more in Phil’s tweets lately. Cornelia gathered that he had just started a YouTube channel as well, and she had given in and watched his first video. It was a bit of a mess, but a very adorable one.
She wondered if she’d ever get to meet the boy.
“Did you know that Phil has got a stranger from the internet over at the family house right now?” Martyn asked her one afternoon towards the end of October.
“Surely you’ve seen them tweet back and forth,” she just replied, turning the page of her book.
“I hadn’t thought more of it. What if he steals something? What if he smothers Phil in his sleep? Should we be allowing him to have sleepovers with strangers?” Martyn asked, and Cornelia had never really seen him in concerned big brother mode.
Mostly, he was just the fun and silly older brother who loved to tease Phil. That vibe seemed to work well for them, and she never doubted that they cared deeply about each other.
“They’ve been talking for months online,” Cornelia said, closing her book before giving Martyn a look. He stopped pacing in the living room as soon as her gaze settled on him. “Besides, Phil is an adult. He can handle himself.”
“What? Really?” he asked. “Months?”
She wanted to kiss him and his oblivious ass.
“Yes, that person he’s texting all the time?” she prompted.
“Oh, that was him? Dan, was his name?”
“Yes, it was. I very much doubt that he’s a serial killer or something; besides, he’s only eighteen. And Phil knows how to handle himself. You are aware that he’s got quite the following online, right?”
“That’s what I’m worried about,” Martyn said, running his hand through his hair. “The internet is full of strangers.”
“Strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet,” Cornelia countered.
“Until they turn around and stab you.”
“Phil’s not going to get stabbed, Martyn,” Cornelia said with a laugh bubbling up through her words.
“You say that, but you don’t know. That Dan could do anything to him.”
Turned out that Phil made it out alive. Or mostly alive. Cornelia saw him a couple of days after Dan went home and he looked all mopey and sad. He tried to hide it, but there was something about him.
He seemed almost lovesick. It was quite adorable.
“Did you have a good time?” she managed to ask him when none of the other Lesters were near.
She wasn’t actually sure of how much his parents knew about the whole thing.
Phil ducked his head, just a little bit. His fringe fell forward, almost like it could shield him.
“The best time,” he admitted and Cornelia noticed that his fair complexion did him no favours in hiding the blush creeping up his neck and settling on his cheeks.
She had so many words that she wanted to say to him, so many reassurances, but she was scared of saying the wrong thing. She reached out to pull him into a hug. Phil seemed a little startled, but as soon as he felt her arms around him, he melted into the hug and let himself be held.
She held on a little tightly hoping that she would be able to convey her love and support through touch instead.
“I’m so happy to hear that,” she said eventually when she found her voice, figuring that it was probably neutral enough not to set anything off.
She was the first one that pulled back from the hug, as always. She had learned that Phil would never let go of a hug first, just like Martyn. It was quite the sight to see the two of them when they did an actual full-blown embrace. Throw in Kath too, who seemed to be the person that had taught it to them, and you’d never get anywhere.
It wouldn’t be a bad death, wrapped up in a Lester hug.
“I’m seeing him on Halloween again,” Phil admittedly shyly as they parted and his blush deepened just a smidgen. Cornelia wanted to coo but she withheld herself.
She secretly started to wonder when she’d get to meet this boy. She couldn’t wait.
Turned out, she didn’t have to wait too long.
Only a couple of months after Phil met Dan in person, Cornelia met him too. It seemed the two of them hadn’t gone more than two weeks without seeing each other, either Dan coming up to the Lester house or the two of them meeting up in London. Cornelia was intrigued by the boy that seemed to have captured Phil’s heart.
It was odd seeing someone else fall in love so obviously, but it was something she treasured. She’d never known any of her friends to be as obvious about it as Phil Lester. He wore his heart on his sleeve and he was constantly smitten. It was like he was walking around on a cloud when he was due to see Dan or with him and then looking like he had a rain cloud above his head when the two of them had just said goodbye.
It was a late December afternoon with snow painting the ground outside when Cornelia finally got to meet the elusive Dan. It hadn’t been that long since he and Phil had been talking, in the grand scheme of things, or that long since they’d met in person, but it felt like a long time, even to her.
It was like the two of them had jumped in with both feet and Phil couldn’t really focus on much else other than his new “friend.” Cornelia had seen a couple of videos that they’d filmed together, including a silly Q&A video where they’d drawn cat whiskers on their faces while answering a myriad of obscure and adorable questions.
She might have rewatched it. Twice.
It wasn’t her fault. She’d been curious about Phil’s new boy, and then she had just been so enthralled by their dynamic. It was almost impossible to believe that they’d just met in person when they filmed that. They acted like they were old friends.
Old friends, but new crushes.
It was quite the image and it had only made Cornelia even more eager to meet Dan when the time came. She might even have dragged Martyn out early, to make sure she’d have more time to get to know him. She might also have slammed open the door with a little too much excitement, causing it to smack back against the wall.
“Welcome home, Corn!” Kath called from the kitchen and for a beat Cornelia just froze in the doorway. Martyn almost walked into her.
It was something so simple, but it reached right into her heart and touched it. Even more so with her family feeling so far away in Sweden at times, she had really found a second home here. It was somewhat due to Martyn and partly due to Phil and Nigel but most of all it was due to Kath. She’d accepted Cornelia as her “daughter-in-law” from the first moment that Martyn had brought her home, even when Cornelia had confessed that she wasn’t sure she’d ever want to get married.
“You okay, love?” Martyn asked, hand on her waist as he leaned into her space. There was a light laughter in his voice and so much fondness that it just captured her heart even more. She was momentarily distracted in the domesticity of it all but then she remembered the cause of her excitement.
“Where are Dan and Phil at?” she asked, almost shouting in the hope that it would reach Kath’s ears. She was in the process of taking off her coat when she stopped at Kath’s words.
“Two of them are out playing in the snow like children,” Kath said, and while her words could have been taken as something bad, her tone assured Cornelia that very much wasn’t the case. She would have been surprised if it was. All of the Lesters seemed very keen to embrace childlike glee. Kath sounded fond, like she always did when talking about her sons or Cornelia, or now…Dan.
Cornelia shrugged her coat on again and turned back towards the door.
Martyn looked at her with an amused smile.
“You’re going to chase them down?”
“Yes,” she said determinedly.
“Can’t wait for dinner?” he asked, but he sounded just as fond as his mother.
“Dan will already be under your big brother scrutiny then; we’ll ease them into it this way,” she assured him and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek.
“I’m not going to go all big brother on him,” Martyn said, rolling his eyes and then lowering his voice. “We don’t even know for sure if I’d need to. Phil hasn’t specified whether they’re dating.”
Cornelia wanted to both kiss him and shake him. She was happy that he was waiting for Phil’s confirmation, his actual words, but she’d seen too much of smitten Phil to not say that he was already falling head over heels for this lad.
“I’ll see you in a bit,” she said, and ran off with a smile on her face.
It didn’t take long to find them. Partly because they were in the back garden, and partly because they were laughing so loudly that the whole neighbourhood could have heard them. Cornelia hadn’t meant to sneak up on them, but she found that she slowed her footsteps as she came around the house all the same.
“ Phiiil !” an unfamiliar voice shrieked, so loud and piercing that Cornelia got the urge to cover her ears.
“You asked for it!” Phil’s voice called out, ringing with laughter.
Cornelia stopped as she came around the corner and saw them. Kath’s description of children playing in the snow seemed pretty spot on. Phil was trying to cling onto Dan’s hood, a half-formed snowball in his glove that he was trying to shove down Dan’s back.
Dan was half-heartedly trying to get away, complaining loudly but never actually pushing Phil back. Both of their cheeks and noses were red and their laughter bounced off the snow and collided in a beautiful symphony.
It was so domestic and soft that Cornelia was once again amazed these boys had only known each other for a few months and met in person a handful of times. They just seemed like they fit.
Phil finally lost his grip on Dan’s hood but the momentum pulled him forward, causing him to lose his balance. He would have fallen over in the snow – he was already slipping – but Dan had noticed and turned around, trying to stabilise Phil.
It was too late but Dan made a valiant effort, even if it ended with both of them falling to the ground with a low thud and a couple of groans.
Cornelia burst out laughing without meaning to. Two sets of eyes snapped to her, looking almost like they’d been caught doing something they shouldn’t, and it cut right into Cornelia’s heart. Did they feel like that? Were they both closeted? With an online following on top of that? One that seemed really interested in them. It might be a lot.
Cornelia wanted to reassure them that she’d never be anything but supportive, but she knew Martyn had made a good point before. Until they were actually told by the boys themselves, they were friends and not romantically involved. It wasn’t hers or anyone else’s right to call attention to assumptions she might make subconsciously while watching them.
Dan and Phil slowly got up, their cheeks redder now, and it couldn’t just be from the cold. They were clumsy even as they got up, long-limbed and slightly awkward in a way that reminded Cornelia of Bambi attempting to walk on ice. As they both stood up, she realised Dan was just as tall as Phil, or nearly anyway.
“Cornelia,” Phil called out, a little embarrassed.
“Sorry to laugh at your clumsiness, Phil, but you just make it so easy,” she said, smiling widely.
“Hey!”
“She’s right, you know,” Dan said, gently nudging Phil with his elbow.
She liked him already.
“I didn’t mean to sneak up on you either; I just followed the sound of joyous laughter,” she said sincerely as she walked up to the two of them. They both looked a little embarrassed. She extended a hand towards Dan. “I’m Cornelia, Martyn’s girlfriend.”
Dan took her hand, and she felt tiny compared to him.
“I know,” Dan said and then his eyes widened and he dropped her hand to wave his around wildly, “I j-just mean, that– well, Phil has…talked about you. I-I know of you. Nothing bad! Obviously, he wouldn’t–”
“Dan,” Phil said, so softly that Cornelia almost didn’t hear it. Dan clearly had because his head turned to face Phil, looking at him like he was a lifeline. “You’re rambling again.”
“Fuck,” Dan swore and then moved to cover his mouth while he looked at Cornelia.
She found that entirely too endearing. He was looking at her like she was a teacher who’d tell him off for swearing.
“Oh, I swear, kid. Don’t fucking worry about it, yeah?” she said, hoping to make him feel more at ease.
It helped a little. A little bit of the nervousness went away as a smile formed on his lips.
“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Cornelia said, sincerely, taking in the soft-looking boy in front of her. She could very much understand why Phil was smitten. He was even more adorable in real life than in photos.
“Finally?” Dan questioned, almost a little breathless.
“Phil talks about you a lot,” Cornelia said, even if it wasn’t quite so true. He hadn’t talked about Dan as much as he’d just constantly been distracted by Dan, always talking to him or clearly thinking about talking to him.
It had been very cute and Cornelia had loved every moment of it.
“I’m not that bad,” Phil tried to protest but it was a weak attempt. He didn’t put his heart into it. Cornelia suspected that might be because he’d already handed his heart over to the boy next to him.
“You are,” she said fondly before moving to wrap Phil up into a hug. He lowered himself slightly, as he always did to be able to fit his arms around her. He did it so effortlessly, so naturally, and she never felt like she was strained in the hug like when she hugged some of her other tall friends.
Phil just always made her feel comfortable.
“Miss you, Corn,” Phil said.
“Corn?” Dan huffed out amused, and Cornelia turned to see how he was looking at the both of them. There were lines around his eyes, and an amused smile on his lips as he just watched. There was a longing in his eyes as well, like a deep yearning, but he seemed to push it down before it made a home there.
“Corn-dog,” Phil said and tried to reach out to ruffle her curls, which she absolutely did not allow. She caught his hand, stopping his rude attack, and Phil just grinned and bit into his lips as she stopped him. He’d clearly been expecting that.
They had gotten to know each other quite well.
“Stop,” she threatened, but she was grinning broadly.
Dan chuckled beside them. “And to think I was so worried about meeting you,” Dan confessed, then looked a little surprised at his own candor.
“You were nervous to meet lil’ ol’ me?” Cornelia asked in genuine surprise.
Dan ducked his head, almost hiding in the collar of his coat, but Cornelia could still see the way his cheeks became fuller, rounding out as he smiled.
“Yeah,” he confessed, almost breathlessly, eyes looking at Phil. Cornelia saw Phil offer Dan a small nod out of the corner of her eyes. “I wanted to make a good impression, you know?”
Dan was too adorable. Cornelia was seriously considering whether it was possible to adopt an eighteen-year-old. She remembered that age for herself. It didn’t feel like that long ago that she had been in his shoes, standing in front of a world that seemed so big, full of possibilities but utterly terrifying.
“Well, you can rest assured that you’ve made an excellent impression. Anyone who can make dear Phil laugh like that gets approved in my book,” Cornelia said.
“Stop,” Phil whined, shoving her arm slightly before letting himself fall back into Dan’s side. He leaned in close, burying his face in Dan’s shoulders. Dan’s hands slowly came up to support Phil who leaned more and more of his weight on Dan.
Dan’s eyes flickered up to Cornelia for a second, radiating concern, but she smiled back at him. She tried to show her support in the corners of her smile. The concern seemed to vanish within seconds, and Dan adjusted his hands a little.
“We better get inside,” Cornelia said. “It smelled like your mum was almost done cooking.”
“Right,” Dan said and he instantly looked nervous again. “I guess it’s too much to hope that you left your boyfriend at home?”
Cornelia almost wanted to laugh. Dan sounded almost scared of Martyn and that was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. He was a dork and a gentle soul, and he’d never hurt a fly, even if he tried to give Dan some weird form of shovel talk.
“I told you my brother isn’t bad, Dan. He’ll like you, I promise,” Phil assured him, leaning further into Dan’s side. He was almost plastered against him but he didn’t seem to consider moving back one bit.
“Right,” Dan said, just as nervous as before.
“Martyn is really a good guy,” Cornelia confirmed. “But if he gives you any issue, he can take it up with me. I know how to straighten him right out, if he should need it. I’d never let him mess with Phil’s boy.”
She hadn’t meant to say that last part, or at least she hadn’t meant for it to include the nickname of sorts that she’d given Dan in her mind. It had fit well in her head, something that didn’t necessarily have to mean anything other than the fact that Dan and Phil were close.
Still, the two of them both looked a little taken aback and Phil finally pulled back from Dan’s side, even if he kept a hand on Dan’s arm.
“Phil’s boy?” Dan asked, part excitement, part nervousness.
“Err…” Phil said, looking everywhere but Dan. He moved his free hand into his pocket, twisting his hand back like he always did whenever he became awkward.
“You call me that?” Dan asked, raising an eyebrow at Phil. He sounded so vulnerable and so hopeful.
“No,” Phil said softly, and Cornelia was about to jump in and clarify that her brain to mouth filter had just malfunctioned, when Phil added something. “But I’d like to.”
Cornelia might have died from feels in that moment; she couldn’t even remember walking back into the house. They were just both so young and in love, and she suddenly understood why there were so many songs written about young and reckless love.
The kind of love that seemed like it just jumped out and people found their own puzzle pieces in someone else’s box.
Martyn did try to do a bit of the big brother shovel talk, but he and Cornelia didn’t want to imply anything to Kath or Nigel, so it was largely unsuccessful considering one of them was usually near. Dan was treated much like any friend of Phil’s would have been.
Kath seemed to watch them, the same way that Cornelia did, when they went off on a tangent, something about YouTube that mostly went over the heads of everyone else at the table. Cornelia didn’t understand what they were talking about, but they were off in their own little world, not even minding the table they were seated around.
When Phil realised, he apologised and Dan followed suit, but Cornelia was sure that no one actually minded.
She made sure to corner Phil before she left with Martyn that evening.
“I like him, Phil,” she said sincerely, in a hushed voice, wary of being overheard.
“Oi! You’re dating my brother, you know,” he said. It was a joke and a light-hearted one, but it was also a distraction tactic. She let herself fall into it, not wanting to push Phil if he wasn’t ready to talk about it.
“I can still appreciate a cute boy, even if I’m not single, Phil,” she teased right back, making her voice light and joking to make sure he knew that she wasn’t actually crushing on Dan like that.
She didn’t like him for herself. She liked him for Phil.
“What about you, Phil?”
“What?”
“You single?” she asked, voice very innocent despite what she was asking. Phil could continue the joking tone they’d talked in so far, or he could acknowledge the question for what she was really asking. She wouldn’t mind either way, but she felt the desire to ask after having watched him and Dan act so cute together all evening.
“I…” Phil said, hesitating.
“If it’s not my place, that’s okay, you know?” she said, reaching out to touch his arm and give him a supportive squeeze.
She was ready to step away from their quick hallway discussion, but Phil stopped her with a hand on her elbow. She looked up at him, trying to read his face.
“I’m…not single, no,” he said, ducking his head and worrying a little at his lip.
He looked so smitten and Cornelia’s heart ached.
“Okay,” she said, still smiling. “Then I’m happy for you.”
They left it at that, partly confirmed but still so much stuff left unspoken.
It became the norm for a while. Phil’s family kind of knew, just from context clues, but no one ever brought it up with him or Dan. Cornelia caught how Dan never once talked about his family, other than short and polite answers whenever Nigel or Kath asked about them.
It made her wonder if she and Dan were kindred souls, in need of an extra family to take care of them. If it was the case, they couldn’t have picked better than the Lester boys and their parents.
Cornelia didn’t get to talk to Dan about it until the snow melted, spring and summer passed, and it was autumn again. A special autumn for the two boys, with Phil getting a place of his own in Manchester and Dan starting university there.
She didn’t get to see the boys often, but whenever she did, she could tell that they just kept growing closer and closer and they kept building up their own database of in-jokes that went right over her head.
It was impossible not to notice how much happier Phil seemed with Dan nearby. There were fewer longing sighs and less staring at his phone. He seemed brighter in videos and on social media too. Cornelia was surprised when people started to follow her with either Dan or Phil as their icons. She got messages from random people asking about the two of them too. She chose to either ignore them or politely reply that she wasn’t going to divulge any private information.
Not that she really had much more than the people on the internet watching as the two boys made more and more videos together. It had gotten to the point where Cornelia couldn’t keep up with the videos due to their sheer volume.
But she knew that they were getting more and more popular and she couldn’t help but worry. It wasn’t the same as when Cornelia had auditioned on Idol , but she had still seen that weird people could come into your space without you giving them permission.
Martyn was a little torn about the whole thing too.
“The shirts, their merch I guess, is actually being bought by, like, a lot of people,” Martyn said, squinting at his screen.
Phil had asked Martyn to help look over it, just to make sure that everything was okay. He always said that Martyn was the business man out of them and Phil was just the one making silly and creative videos. He wanted to make sure he wasn’t being screwed over, and Dan wasn’t either.
“Oh?” Cornelia asked. The shirts had been cute, even if she wasn’t sure if she would ever buy one.
“Yes, like in quite impressive numbers for just two…creators? Like this could be a business, if it keeps up like that. They should sell the shirts themselves, instead of depending on companies like this.”
She walked over to peek over Martyn’s shoulder and she raised an eyebrow at the numbers. It was small, sure, but Martyn was right that relatively, it mattered. She knew that both Dan and Phil just kept gaining daily subscribers by now, and if the trend continued...
“Maybe you should make a company for them then,” she said, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek. “Help them out. Could be good.”
Martyn hummed thoughtfully, the way he always did when an idea was banging around in his brain about to find a corner to stick to and flourish. He didn’t look totally lost in it, brow pinched together.
“I worry about him, you know.”
“Phil?”
“Yeah, and I guess Dan too. They’re young, and it’s just…you can never take back something you put online, you know? If you put it out there, then it’s there forever. It can never be taken down,” he said seriously.
“Your mother taught you that?” Cornelia asked, feeling fond and warm at the thought of Kath sitting down Martyn and Phil and telling them that they needed to protect themselves on the internet.
“Yes, she did in fact,” Martyn said, puffing out his chest proudly as he often did when he talked about his family. “But I’m not sure whether I’m the only one who listened.”
Martyn switched from the numbers on his screen, typing “dan and phil” into the Google search bar. The image search at the top of the page showed a whole row of photos – perhaps stills from their videos together.
“Aw, that one is cute,” she said, pointing at one where they were squished into each other’s sides. When she met Phil, she felt like he was someone who didn’t like to get into people’s personal bubbles, at least when he was unfamiliar with them. Even with his brother, there was a bit of distance. She had never seen Phil act so close with anyone else as with Dan.
“Yeah, they’re cute and all but…what if something happens to them?” Martyn asked.
They were moving into a territory they hadn’t been in before. Phil hadn’t officially come out to any of them yet, even if he had stopped treating it like a secret a long time ago. Cornelia knew it was only a matter of time now based on their clear understood agreement, but speaking about it still felt a little odd. She proceeded with caution, even if she knew that Martyn would only bring it up out of brotherly concern.
“Because they’re boys, you mean?” she asked.
“Yeah, well, yeah, I guess. I just…there’s a lot of shitty people out in the world. It’s odd because I get tweets and stuff from people asking if they’re together and those people seem really excited and enthusiastic but it’s still invasive, you know? And there will be homophobes, so many homophobes. How am I supposed to protect Phil from that? When he’s out there being so obviously in love? I’m sure he already knows, but I just…I’m supposed to protect him. And he’s just out there being so damn loud .”
To prove his point, Martyn clicked on one image that showed itself to be a gif when it opened. Dan was messing around with something in his hands, eyes cast down and focused, but Phil was just watching Dan, eyes only focused on him. He looked a little breathless, a lot smitten, and very flustered. He looked at Dan like he was the only thing in his world.
“You think they’re in love?” Cornelia asked, looking at Phil’s expression being looped. There was a tiny smile tugging on the corner of his lips. She felt happy for him.
“I know my brother is,” Martyn said, fondness taking over his worried expression. “And Dan follows him around like an adoring puppy.”
Cornelia burst into giggles at the imagery of his statement. She wheezed and let herself fall into Martyn.
“I’m telling Phil you said that!” she said gleefully, quickly running off to grab her phone.
“Oh, no, you don’t!” Martyn said but he was slower getting up and removing his laptop from his lap.
Cornelia had always been a fast texter and she heard the swoosh sound of it sending before Martyn managed to grab the phone out of her hand.
He glared at her, with an expression clearly meant to be angry, but his mouth was shaking with the effort to keep himself from smiling. She loved when he was like that, trying so hard to act stern, but there were laugh lines already forming in the corner of his eyes.
“You’re not supposed to out me to Phil! You’re my girlfriend! You’re supposed to be on my side!” Martyn whined, and he huffed out an amused breath before shaking his head fondly.
“Frankly, I think that I should be on Dan’s side. He’s going to need an ally who knows how to deal with you Lester boys,” she said, and winked.
“Oh, you’re so dead,” Martyn said, and charged right at her.
Her hands might be fast, but her legs weren’t. Before she got more than a couple of steps, Martyn had his hands around her midriff and managed to toss her over his shoulder.
“Ha!” he announced triumphantly.
Cornelia’s abandoned phone buzzed on the sofa, but it wasn’t the only one. Before Martyn could protest, she dug her hand into his back pocket and fished his phone up to see the notification from Phil.
She started laughing so hard that it made her stomach ache as it bounced against Martyn’s shoulder. He put her down, so gentle and careful, before he tried to snatch his phone back.
“What did he say?” Martyn asked.
“He says that it’s not the only way that Dan acts like a puppy,” Cornelia said, sticking her tongue out and wrinkling her nose.
“Eww,” Martyn said. “I think. I’m not even sure what that means but I think I stand by my original statement. Maybe.”
His conflicted expression made Cornelia burst into giggles again and Martyn started to chase her around the living room again. It was one of the things that she loved about being with him; they both still knew how to have fun and laugh together, even at the silliest things.
It was always easier to be with someone who made you laugh.
She wasn’t really surprised when she found out that Dan and Phil also seemed to estimate the comfort and joy in a relationship by the laughter they shared. She didn’t speak to Phil that often, not with the physical distance between them, but she still grew fond of him with each passing year. She was there to help him move into his Manchester flat, and later she brought pizza over when he and Dan got their first place of their own.
There hadn’t been much moving there, because they had very few pieces of furniture. Still, it was important to mark the occasion of one’s homes. Some homes lasted you longer than others, but it was important to make it a safe and comfortable space for you while you were there. She brought a house plant house-warming gift, knowing Phil had always liked house plants even if he was more likely to kill it than anything else.
She might have pulled Dan aside and made him promise to water it, no matter how much Phil swore up and down that he would take good care of it.
The house plant died after six months, but Dan and Phil seemed closer than ever.
And more than anything, they laughed together. All the time. Cornelia saw it when she occasionally checked up on their videos to see how they were getting on with their online careers. They were laughing in almost every single video. Smiling most of the time. They always looked happy. Their numbers were also climbing, and she felt a swell of pride in her chest.
As a musician, she could recognise how tiring it was to build up something creative from nothing. Anything related to the arts or creative fields was a risky business, but Dan and Phil seemed to handle it well.
Still, Cornelia made sure to shoot off the occasional supportive message whenever she thought of the two of them. Dan hadn’t outright told her, but she had gathered enough to know that he wasn’t really close with his family and that they hadn’t been super supportive of him going down this path.
As such, she tried to compensate just a little. Be his extended family with Martyn. Someone who he could spend time with without fear of judgement. She knew how valued that was.
When Phil came out to them, it both was a big deal and it wasn’t. It was said in an off-hand comment one of the rare days where he hadn’t been attached to Dan’s hip. Just a throw-away comment that wasn’t dwelled on more than Martyn reaching over to squeeze his shoulder with a smile and Cornelia smiling and mouthing that she was proud of him. Phil had flushed all the same, and almost stuttered through his next sentence, but he looked lighter when they had parted that night.
Cornelia wanted more things to be like that for him.
She didn’t get her wish.
Not for Phil, not for Martyn, and not for any of the Lester family.
Nigel was diagnosed with cancer.
She felt shaken to her core. Actually knowing someone who would have to undergo treatment to try to combat cancer felt different from knowing that so many people got the aggressive disease. Nigel’s prognosis was good, but you could never be sure with such things. It could turn so quickly.
Martyn started to space out a lot. He got angry. Never at Cornelia, but at the world around him. The injustice of it. He carried worry in his heart and a weight on his shoulders. Cornelia tried to be a comfort to him, even if she also felt a little wobbly herself. It may not have been her own father, but she wasn’t ashamed to say that Nigel had started to feel like a second father.
Phil seemed even more caught up about it. He and Dan had just moved to London into their second home recently and they had gotten a deal with BBC Radio 1 themselves. It was big news. It was important. Kath and Nigel had been particularly proud of him and Dan landing a slot on the radio.
They had been supportive of Phil’s endeavours on the internet but to them, radio was something more tangible. It was something that they understood. Both sat down to listen every single week, like clockwork.
“Phil wants to move home,” Martyn said one day that he came back home.
Cornelia had been fiddling with a guitar, just plucking the strings rather than playing.
“What?”
“He wants to be closer to Dad. If…He wants to help…” Martyn said and while his voice sounded flat, very tired and a little hurt, he tossed his computer bag a little too heavily against the floor for him to be okay.
“He can’t,” Cornelia said, putting the guitar aside. “You know he can’t.”
“I know, just like I know I can’t go home either. It’s not…it’s not good. And Dad would hate it. It’s why I haven’t even suggested it. He would hate it if we came home in some attempt to take care of him, but I can’t really fault Phil. I want to be there too. If…” Martyn hesitated, voice sounding a little wet and strained. “If something were to happen…and it could…we just want as much time as possible with him. If his time is running out too fast.”
He wasn’t crying, not yet, but he would get there soon, even if Martyn had never really been a crier before this. He cried too often now, and Cornelia’s heart ached for him and his whole family.
“He’ll make it,” she said.
“You don’t–”
“He’s doing well,” she said, sternly. “We have to believe he’ll make it. Besides, Nigel is as stubborn as you and Phil. You can’t really think that he’ll give up a second before he has to. He’s got your spirit. And he would hate it if he thought he stopped you or Phil from going after what you want.”
“But how do I tell Phil that?” Martyn said, a little hopeless.
“You don’t,” Cornelia said. “We get Nigel to say it.”
She arranged for Dan and Phil to come up to Manchester just for a short visit and she made sure to time it so that both her and Martyn could be there too. Unfortunately, on the day, Martyn got called away for an urgent meeting and she ended up catching the train by herself.
She didn’t let it deter her.
As planned, she made it to the Lester family home before Dan and Phil.
She was sure she would have been a favourite “in-law” with ease if it hadn’t been for Dan as competition. Now she was pretty sure they equally shared that spot. Kath and Nigel both adored her and they welcomed her with open arms and even listened when she voiced her concerns that Phil would try to move back North to be closer to Nigel while he was ill.
Nigel, as she had expected, hadn’t been thrilled about the idea. He had insisted that he didn’t need any of his boys home, least of all Phil when leaving London could be detrimental to the career he had been trying to build. Nigel hadn’t gotten it when Phil had first started to make videos, but those days were long past. Even if he didn’t understand some of the specifics, he got the general idea of it.
Dan and Phil arrived an hour after Cornelia and just a couple hours later, Nigel asked Phil to accompany him on a walk. Phil had been fretting around his father ever since he had gotten home, acting stressed out and worried. He hadn’t even been sure it was a good idea for Nigel to go on a walk, or at least they should have more people with them in case something happened because Phil wasn’t sure what to do if a crisis situation happened.
Dan had almost volunteered to join them, but Cornelia had dug her trimmed nails into the flesh of his arm before he could open his mouth with the offer.
“You’re like a cat, you know?” Dan said and rubbed his arm. He was being a baby. He barely had any indents from her nails in his skin. She told him as such and slapped his shoulder for good measure.
Dan shook his head fondly and smiled.
She was happy that they have gotten to this point where they could just tease each other and it would be okay. Consensual banter, as Dan had once described it when Phil complained that he teased him too much. Cornelia had liked that expression, and she found herself repeating it to Martyn whenever he complained. Then he would curse his little brother. One time he’d even called Phil just to shriek at him while he had been pinned down under Cornelia who had sat firmly across his back when he’d been lying on his stomach on the couch.
“The two of them needed to talk alone,” Cornelia said, now nudging Dan softer.
“Oh,” Dan said knowingly. “Is this about the…moving situation?”
“Yeah.”
“Does he want Phil back home?” Dan asked, worriedly.
“What do you think?”
“Well, I don’t know,” Dan said, shifting from one foot to another. “I find it hard to think that anyone wouldn’t want Phil close by if given the opportunity.”
Cornelia let herself just gape at Dan for a moment, to let him reflect on what he had just said. He let out a soft chuckle, and looked a little embarrassed.
“Do you hear it?” she asked, teasingly. “When you’re spouting shitty stuff out of trashy romance novels?”
“Shut up,” Dan said, shoving Cornelia. “It’s just…I…Well, I don’t hear it, actually, half the time. It just…it’s just like that. With Phil. He’s the only one I’ve ever been like this with.”
“Shit, you do realise the stuff of you two meeting is a fairy tale only two steps away from a horrible stalker or murder situation, right?”
“Oh, I’m aware. My mother was livid when she learned I’d gone up to stay at an older boy’s house that I’d never met in person before,” Dan said, reminiscing about the early days that felt like yesterday. In fact, it had been years now, but he still had that lovestruck expression on his face.
“I’d have been livid too, if I hadn’t seen how smitten Phil had been back when the two of you were just messaging back and forth.”
“Phil?” Dan asked, surprised. “Smitten?”
“The smittenest.”
“That’s not a word.”
“I just made it up.”
“What a Shakespearean you are.”
Cornelia pointed a finger accusingly at him. “Oh, with a sentence like that you can’t call me pretentious, posh boy.”
“Oh, I would never,” Dan said, dramatically putting his hand over his heart like he was swearing an oath. “You’re one of my favourite people.”
Cornelia wasn’t sure what she had expected, but that certainly hadn’t been it. Sure, they had become friends through the years, good and close friends, but she had always felt like Dan was just a little bit on edge around her. Like he was still out to impress Phil’s family, even his extended one, even after years of being with Phil. It was quite endearing most of the time, but it had left just a little bit of distance.
Cornelia felt some of that distance disappear in that moment.
“You too,” she said, sincerely. “Even if you use words like Shakespearean.”
“Shut up,” Dan muttered, half-heartedly. “And thank you for this.”
“This?” she asked, pretending not to know. She wasn’t sure if Dan had seen through her meddling, or if he was speaking of something different.
“Looking out for Phil. Looking out for us. You’re always doing that.”
“Hey, you’re my boys too,” Cornelia said, wrapping Dan up in a hug. She had to pull on his shirt to actually make him bend down far enough for it to be a proper embrace. It didn’t last long, but it was a meaningful one.
The one she got from Phil later that evening lingered much longer and Phil only let go when he whispered out a final thank you.
Phil never moved back home. He stayed in London with Dan and tried to focus on keeping the wheels on his career turning.
Still, Cornelia, Martyn, Phil, and Dan all made sure to check up on Nigel as much as they could and there were more trips planned than usual.
And like a champ, Nigel pulled through.
All their households held a night of celebration when they got the news that he was in remission. Martyn broke down into happy tears, too many emotions flowing through him at the same time, and Cornelia held onto him for half of that night: the tight embrace right after the phone call, the many times she intertwined their fingers, and the small grounding touches.
She got a massive hug from both Dan and Phil next time they saw each other.
Things got back to more of a normal routine. At least partially. By now both Martyn and Cornelia were involved with IRL Merch that made merch for both Dan and Phil and they were taking on other clients. It wasn’t what Cornelia would have seen herself involved in, but it was an interesting challenge and she never stopped making music.
Dan and Phil just seemed to get more and more popular. It exploded further when they made a joint gaming channel that uploaded content much more often than on their individual channels.
It became something that Cornelia would just put on in the background when she was doing laundry, travelling on the tube, or chilling at home. She didn’t catch all of them, but there was a lazy Saturday of binging a few of them to catch up at times. Martyn teased her for it, even saying to Dan and Phil themselves that she was their biggest fan girl, but really, he often watched the videos when she put them on.
This was not quite the Dan and Phil that she had come to know, but it was something closer to what she was familiar with. Another layer shed between them and their audience. It only brought them more new viewers and thrust them into even more notoriety.
It was an odd kind of fame, where people in certain circles knew about them, and knew they were a big deal while most people would never have heard of them. Cornelia thought it actually suited the boys quite well, and it protected them a little from having too many eyes of the media or mainstream public on them, even if she also knew being famous on the internet could take quite a toll.
Cornelia had travelled along with the Lesters to their holidays in Florida before, but she was glad to see that she now had a non-Lester sparring partner in Dan who started to come along as well. It came in very handy when board game nights got a little too intense.
You had never seen true chaos until you had seen Nigel, Kath, Martyn, and Phil Lester play monopoly near midnight, slightly tipsy and jetlagged. Cornelia had barely restrained herself from recording when Martyn shout-argued when he landed on one of Phil’s properties for the third time. Nigel had just been chuckling in his seat and Kath had tried to mitigate but failed because she couldn’t go without laughing for a few seconds.
Dan had pressed into Cornelia’s side and posed a question, sounding somewhere between concerned and joking.
“Are they always like this?”
“Often.”
“Well, now at least I know where Phil gets it from.”
“Oh?”
“Let’s just say we had an incident with something tossed at someone’s head during monopoly,” Dan recalled fondly.
“Sounds like Phil might not have been alone in that one, then,” Cornelia said.
“Slander. You have no proof,” Dan said, giggling heartedly which only intensified when Phil flung himself over Dan and Cornelia’s laps to moan about Martyn being a meanie big brother.
They had somehow managed to salvage the monopoly game but Cornelia lost track of who even won. It hadn’t mattered. For how much the Lesters cared about games and winning, it only mattered in the moment and the winner was soon forgotten. In reality, it had always been more about playing the game and spending time together.
Normally when the six of them would go out and walk, Dan and Phil would easily fall in step next to each other and Cornelia reverted to walking next to Kath to let the boys with their long legs hit up the front. When she was just out with Martyn, Dan and Phil, she made it a little trend to photograph them from behind. Her three tall boys, walking tall and proud in front of her.
She was a little surprised to find Phil suddenly falling in step next to her, rather than sticking to Dan’s side like glue as he usually did.
“What’s up?”
“Can’t I just want to walk next to my beautiful sister-in-law?”
“Not married,” she pointed out and wiggled her ring finger.
“Well, you might never get married,” Phil complained. “And calling you my boyfriend’s girlfriend sounds lame. It should have a cooler name.”
“What about my beautiful friend Cornelia who is doing the world the favour of putting up with my dork of an older brother?” she joked and it really was all in jest.
She loved Martyn a lot or she would never have stuck by his side for so long. He had become her home, when she’d needed one the most. She knew she was lucky to have found him. She was lucky to still have him after all these years. It was something special to find someone you loved and to be loved in return. She’d known that she had needed to hold onto that tightly.
“That’s not a cute or little phrase,” Phil said. “Far from it. I don’t even think I would be able to repeat it back to you after just having heard it.”
Cornelia let out a snort. “Just Cornelia would do. Her Royal Highness if you want to be formal.”
“You’re not royalty,” Phil said, deadpan.
“I could be!” Cornelia argued, loudly and just for the fun of arguing. “I could be related to someone from the Swedish royalty. I bet you can’t even tell me whether the monarch of Sweden is a King or a Queen right now!”
Phil’s mouth dropped open and his eyebrows did a funny little dance that looked more like a nervous tick.
“Err… Queen?”
“Seriously! I was exaggerating for the dramatics! You really don’t know?” Cornelia asked, half laughing, because while she was surprised, she wasn’t mad. It was just funny.
“I thought there was another longest reigning Queen in one of the Nordic countries or something,” Phil said, weakly defending himself.
“That would be in Denmark, Phil. Not the same thing.”
“I know that!”
Cornelia burst out laughing again.
“Poor British boy, I will forgive you,” she said, pulling on his shoulder until he leaned down enough that she could press a kiss to his cheek.
Phil had a much softer smile on his face when she pulled away.
“You always do this,” he said fondly.
“What?”
“You make people feel at ease. You make it so easy to joke around and loosen up. You’re this really cool and slightly intimidating girl but you’re also just a sweetheart. We’re really lucky to know you,” Phil said, sincerity in his every word.
“We?” Cornelia asked, and pretended not to get a little choked up.
Why was she always so quick to emotions? Just a sincere word and she felt it with her whole body. She supposed it might be her empathy just deciding to work in overdrive around the Lester boys and Dan in particular. Maybe because they felt like her boys. In very different ways, obviously, but the fierce protectiveness she felt was similar for all of them.
“Me and Dan,” Phil clarified, in more of a whisper, even if the two of them had decidedly fallen behind on the walk and the other four people in their party were up ahead. Kath and Nigel walked hand in hand, and Martyn and Dan matched in perfect sync with their legs.
“Oh, well, I’m glad,” she said, willing her emotions to stay in control just a bit more. This shouldn’t be such a big deal, but it was because this was Martyn’s family but her family in a way too. A chosen family, brought together by circumstance but choosing to love each other sincerely.
“He was worried about this, these family holidays. He never really liked going on holiday with his own family. He found it hard and stressful and a lot of other awful things. It’s why it took me so long to convince him to come along. Well, and that we can’t ignore the implications of it.”
Phil said the last bit just as a matter of factly, and Cornelia was once more reminded that Dan and Phil had to consider stuff like this. They knew what it meant to live part of their lives in front of a camera. They had never shown everything; they would likely never show anyone but each other everything, but they gave a small bit of themselves. It was what made their content good. It was genuine, and it came with a bit of vulnerability.
Cornelia pulled Phil into a hug, even if she had to grab onto his shirt too until she could pull him into a proper embrace.
Dan and Phil only put themselves more under the spotlight when they embarked on their next big project. A book. A world tour to go along with it. Martyn and Cornelia got wrapped up in it too as two of their most trusted people, and Cornelia learned that it was a massive undertaking.
She also learned that a lot of people around the world didn’t understand the concept of “internet personalities” and they didn’t believe it would sell tickets. Once more, she was impressed with Martyn’s business savviness.
When he couldn’t manage something himself, he knew how to help find the right people. He became Dan and Phil’s right hand man in a lot of aspects. By sheer proximity, Cornelia got roped into everything too.
It wasn’t the music tour she might once have envisioned for herself, but it was a life on tour that she had always wanted to try out. It turned out that it was a lot of hard work, even when you only did work behind the scenes. How Dan and Phil managed to keep on top of making videos as well as doing everything that came with the tour would forever be a mystery to her.
She got to meet more of their fans than ever and she was surprised by how many of them knew her. She was most thankful for the ones that came up to talk to her about her music and told her how they really admired her in addition to Dan and Phil. It was a nice little bonus that she hadn’t expected to happen.
Tour life was draining but rewarding, and it showed in how brightly Dan and Phil smiled up on stage, but also how they tended to collapse and sleep like the dead whenever given a moment of pause. Every crew member had been carefully selected, and while they undoubtedly saw more than a little couple activity between Dan and Phil, none of what they saw ever made it past anyone’s lips. If it had, Cornelia would gladly have shown up and proven that you could throw a punch even if you were small of stature.
Somehow despite the fatigue, Dan in particular seemed to take to the tour life like a fish to water. By now, she knew he had been dealing with mental health issues, most notably his depression, and she wasn’t sure if it was the change in daily life or the strict schedule.
She asked Dan one night, when he had looked ready to just close his eyes and fall asleep standing up. He said it was mostly the sense of having a specific purpose. A set goal and the feeling of accomplishment after a day. No matter how hard it had been, he would have gone out there and made someone’s day by showing something he was proud of. Still, he also confessed that he couldn’t have done it without Phil. On the hard days, it was Phil who managed to pull him out of bed and keep him on his feet.
Phil, who got homesick and travelled with his pillow from back home because it carried the familiar scent to help calm him down. Phil also took to running up to Dan, Martyn, or Cornelia herself for spontaneous hugs when he needed just a bit of reassurance.
The first tour was a crazy experience.
But not quite as crazy as the fact that they did another tour just two years later.
This time it was different for many reasons. Not only was it another wonderful creative tour – Cornelia wasn’t sure how they had managed to pull two comprehensive tours out of their sleeves with so little time in-between – but it put more in the hands of the fans than ever. It was a gift to the fans, a sort of love letter, because both Dan and Phil knew they had managed to build a community of people. It had always been one of their favourite aspects: they brought people laughter and comfort, but they also brought people together.
Dan had often joked that he had helped very many lesbians get together considering girls didn’t used to like him much.
But Cornelia saw something different in both his and Phil’s eyes when they came back from their meet and greets.
“You won’t even believe the amount of pride flags we’ve signed!”
“They’re all struggling young adults! When did we all get so old?”
“They make such incredible art and say such wonderful heartfelt things!”
“It’s so different from numbers on a screen. They’re real tangible people and they all say that we’ve made their life a little better, even if it’s just a laugh on a bad day. How is that possible?”
Watching how they interacted with their audience and their audience responded was sweet to behold. Cornelia had always been a little wary of the mass of fans, remembering the early days of prying questions, but she had seen growth in the community. Dan and Phil weren’t the type to just offer up their love declamations unabashedly. Sharing their private life like that wouldn’t have been genuine, but they cared a lot about making the world just a tiny little bit of a better place for the people in it.
Cornelia thought it sufficed to say that they might have done a bit more than just a tiny little bit.
But something had been lying in wait, just ruminating and waiting for the right time. Cornelia had known about the boys’ sexualities for years, but she hadn’t been sure if they would ever come out publicly. It was a lot different than just being out to your family and close friends, and she knew that Dan wasn’t even out to his family yet. It had seemed an impossible step for him to take.
She was so happy that he at least had managed to find a family in Phil, Martyn, her, Kath, and Nigel. It would never be the same as his own family, but she was more than happy to be a bonus family.
She should have known that Dan Howell might procrastinate things for a very long time, but when he finally did them, he did so with a flourish like none other. Nearly an hour video essay detailing all of his life story related to his sexuality. So much stuff that she hadn’t known, and she wasn’t even sure if Phil knew most of it.
There was a pain in his eyes, but the weight seemed to lift off his shoulders as the video went on. When he mentioned his suicide attempt, Cornelia had to pause the video for a solid few minutes and just let the tears roll down her cheeks silently.
Dan was a dear friend, and he was part of her world through Martyn and Phil, so she couldn’t imagine what her life would have looked like if he hadn’t hung on. What Phil’s life would have looked like. It seemed impossible to even entertain the idea of anyone else beside Phil. The spot next to Phil seemed like it had always belonged to Dan.
She had just managed to recover from Dan’s video when she saw a couple supportive tweets from Phil, also coming out. It made her laugh, the type of laugh that went through her whole body and made it more difficult to think of anything. You could only laugh.
She loved both of them so much.
On a whim, she planned a stop by their flat a couple of days later and she barrelled into the hallway and wrapped herself around Dan as soon as he opened the door. She didn’t say anything, not sure if he’d want to hear anything more, as other people had undoubtedly reached out in person as well as what she’d seen on social media. She just held on tightly and tried to push all of her love and support into him through the touch.
She wanted to somehow communicate that she was so happy that he was still here and that she had gotten to see the man he grew into. She hadn’t known what to make of the nervous eighteen-year-old that Phil had been so smitten by. She had only known that he was dead serious about Phil.
She couldn’t have foreseen that one day he would make a video like that and how it would help so many people. When she finally pulled back, she looked up at his face and caught just a slight shine of wetness in the corners of his eyes. She had gotten to see him grow a lot in the past ten years, but he wasn’t done growing yet. She had yet to see an out Dan and she couldn’t wait.
Phil’s coming out video followed a couple of weeks later and she was more familiar with his story, even if she still fumed when he got to the part where he had been outed to almost everyone back home by an old friend. It had been before she knew Phil, but she still wanted to reach through time and space and give that young and anxious Phil a reassuring hug from someone who would become a bit like a big sister.
Cornelia called Phil right up and demanded that she could come over and give him a hug. Phil had laughed heartily and told her that he was out, but near her place and could stop by instead. He got a hug just like Dan. Just as tight and comforting. While she might not have been close to losing Phil in the same way, she was just as proud of him for coming out and for growing into the wonderfully creative man he was today.
Phil teased her that she really was a sappy big sister to the both of them, and she pinched his side even as the smile on her face grew instantly wide and happy.
Martyn teased her in much the same way later that same evening when she found herself scrolling through the thank you hashtags to Dan and Phil.
“You really are their biggest fan, you know,” he said as he walked past her, dropping a kiss to the crown of her head, right in her mess of curls.
She had teased Dan excessively that he was copying her hairstyle when he’d finally decided to burn those dreadful straighteners. Nothing had ever been straight about that boy and now his hair wasn’t either.
“And their honorary big sister,” she confirmed with a grin, sticking her tongue out at her boyfriend.
“Yes, that too,” he said, dumping himself next to her on the couch. “People still saying amazing things about my little brother?”
“You know, I think that might be why he’s called AmazingPhil.”
“Nah, he just thought that he needed a catchy channel name that wasn’t his full name and he also wanted to be at the top of people’s channel lists of who they were subscribed to,” Martyn said.
“What, really?”
“Maybe, like I know what went on in Phil’s head at 20. Frankly, I think it’s good I didn’t know,” Martyn said, leaning back to stretch out his back.
“You say that, but you love him so much and you love that you’re so close. Not all siblings are as close as the two of you.”
“In part because you and Phil keep planning double dates,” he teased.
“Well, someone has to do it when your boyfriends get swept up in other things. You and Dan would never go anywhere if it wasn’t for us, and we find kick-ass arrangements, thank you very much.”
“You do,” Martyn agreed softly, and yawned. It was late in the day, one of those cosy nights-in when both of them were a little tired but stubbornly refused to go to bed until it was a little later. They were not old yet, shut up.
“I’m always proud of my friends’ accomplishments,” Cornelia said, scrolling through her phone. It was true; she tried to be the first to congratulate someone when something good happened. “But it’s different with the two of them. A different scale. When you look online, they seem almost untouchable, only they’re just the dorks that we know and love. Dorks who have been through a lot, who are hard-working, smart, and creative, but still just our friends, our family.”
“I know. I was a little jealous of Phil in the beginning when he started to gain a lot of attention.”
“Big brother syndrome.”
“Shut up.”
“Well, it’s true. Even if Phil had always looked up to you with stars in his eyes. You’re perfect in his eyes, or at least you were growing up. I’ve heard the stories straight from the horse’s mouth, which would be Kath.”
“Well, that’s the little brother syndrome, I suppose. But what I was trying to say is that I’m just proud of him now. I’m just happy for him. He was never very vocal about it, but I knew he worried that his life was an unstable one. It was never tangible in front of him. I don’t know if he actually worried that he wouldn’t find what he wanted, but I did sometimes for him. And now, looking at him at 32 living with the love of his life and sitting firmly on a successful career and a well-established channel, I’m just proud and happy for him.”
“You should take back your earlier statement,” Cornelia said and leaned into Martyn’s side.
“What statement?”
“The one about me being their biggest fan. I think that title might go to you. I’ve even heard that you have thousands and thousands of their merch! Even the old stuff that isn’t sold anymore!”
“Because we run IRL Merch, you absolute menace,” Martyn said, laughter in his voice. Martyn always chased right after Cornelia’s teasing and she was happy that hadn’t changed in all the years that they had been together.
Because while she was happy for Dan and Phil, she was happy for herself and Martyn as well. It wasn’t the life she had pictured for herself growing up, but it was a good one, a better one, because she got to do something fun while still making music and she also got to live with the love of her life and have so many incredible people in her life.
It was true that her and Phil were usually the ones planning the double dates, but sometimes Martyn or Dan would spontaneously decide to arrange something and it usually came in the form of a surprise.
When Martyn asked if she had time next Saturday, she knew it was such a surprise instantly. Of course, she pestered him for the details but he didn’t relent, insisting that it should be a surprise. However, she did get it out of him that it was just a small thing and Phil had been involved in the process of arranging it.
She had always found it much easier to needle Phil. She knew all of his buttons and how to play the pseudo big sister card just right. When he didn’t relent either, she was suddenly worried that it would be a really big thing despite Martyn’s words.
Dan hadn’t known anything about it either and he was just as miffed as Cornelia about being kept in the dark. As such, the two of them joined forces on Saturday when the four of them all met up. Martyn and Phil both called them immature as they interlocked their arms and refused to walk with their partner, instead forcing the brothers to walk together.
It was all in good jest, and during the short walk from the tube stop to their designation, the little stunt dissolved quickly.
Cornelia was surprised when they came to a spot in front of a restaurant whose name sounded vaguely familiar.
“Wait, you managed to book a table here?” Dan asked, looking up at the sign again. “But wasn’t the wait like months?”
Martyn chuckled. “It was months ago when the two of you found out about a restaurant slash piano bar. Phil and I booked tickets back then to surprise the two of you.”
Now Cornelia realised why the name sounded familiar. It was Dan who had heard of it first: a swanky London restaurant that despite the status had classic English cooking and you could play a grand piano situated in the middle of the room. You had to take a piano test before you were allowed to play and she and Dan had snickered at how pretentious it was while secretly thinking it quite fun.
It had just been an offhanded moment on a journey home from another double date, and Cornelia had almost forgotten about it since the two of them had dropped the idea when they discovered that the waitlist was so long.
“Not only that,” Phil said. “We made sure both of you were cleared to play.”
“How did you do that?” Dan asked suspiciously.
“Sent in recordings of your playing, obviously,” Phil said with a cheeky smile.
“Phiiiil,” Dan said, pulling out Phil’s name as a complaint in a way that only he ever managed. Cornelia had always found it cute how he could sound both exasperated and fond at the same time while just saying a name.
But that was Dan and Phil for you.
“Shall we go in?” Martyn asked, opening the door for them.
Cornelia jabbed an elbow into his side for springing this surprise on her, but it was a gentle jab. In reality, she was touched. Sure, it was a small thing objectively. They did restaurant visits ever so often, but this was something that both Martyn and Phil had taken note of and made happen just to see her and Dan smile. It made it a bigger thing.
They made it through half their food, which was delicious, before a spot opened up on the piano. Dan seemed a little hesitant to go up and grab it, which you wouldn’t expect of someone who had performed in front of a crowd of hundreds of people for many nights while on tour.
Cornelia, however, had no reservations about performing, and she grabbed Dan’s hand and pulled him up. They said their names to the man with the list next to the piano and were allowed to step up.
She and Dan sat down next to each other on the piano bench.
“What do you want to play?” Dan asked, acting like a gentleman and letting Cornelia choose.
Over dinner, they had discussed a couple of songs that they could both play confidently, even if Dan always prefaced that he really wasn’t that good. It was bollocks. Dan wasn’t a piano prodigy or anything and he didn’t practice as much as he should have to advance levels, but he was more than a decent player. Cornelia always loved to hear him play because he played in a very Dan way, emphasising some keys more than others.
“Something familiar to you,” she said, hands already settling on the keys.
After the first few opening notes, Dan caught on and moved to play alongside her. The song from Interactive Introverts was indeed a soft and familiar tune that he had played on stage many times. Cornelia had learned it just a few months back during an afternoon of boredom that almost always sparked random creative endeavours.
Four hands playing the song instead of two made it seem slightly more grand, and she was happy to see that she and Dan played well together. Their hands danced across the keys, moving with practiced ease. No one was singing, not really, but Cornelia could hear Dan mumbling the lyrics under his breath all the same.
It was a good song. Dan and Phil should have been proud of it.
She was happy to bring it back up, even if it had been months and months since that tour ended. Like she had expected, Dan’s hands hadn’t forgotten how to play it. It was ingrained into his muscle memory in the best way.
Too quickly, they came to the end and pressed the final keys. As they stopped, Cornelia noticed that several other people applauded them, and Martyn, the loudmouth that he could be at times, even insisted on letting out a loud whistle.
Dan looked slightly embarrassed, but Cornelia just laughed it off and dragged Dan back to the table.
They just caught the tail end of Martyn and Phil’s conversation.
“It’s quite lucky that both of us found gorgeous curly haired piano players, isn’t it?” Martyn asked.
“Sure is,” Phil said and locked eyes with Dan as they came back to the table.
Later in the evening, when most other people had already left or were clearing out, Dan and Cornelia went back up to play the piano for another song. They were the last ones in the restaurant signed up to play and they were told they could play until closing in half an hour if they wanted.
They went through a couple more songs before Cornelia slipped off her seat.
“Where are you going?” Dan asked, over his shoulder, hands still on the keys.
“Just going to get something,” she said, even though she meant someone.
She went over to their table and took in the now almost entirely empty restaurant. She grabbed Phil by the sleeve, pulling him to his feet.
“Where am I going?” Phil asked, but he didn’t resist when Cornelia dragged him up to the little piano podium and plonked him down on his seat.
“Sitting you down next to your person,” Cornelia whispered in his ear, and then she skipped down and back to the table.
She heard Dan ask if Phil wanted to learn a couple of simple notes. Only a second later, slight clanging sounded on the keys that definitely wasn’t a song, but somehow it sounded lovely. Perhaps because Dan and Phil looked beautiful as they sat next to each other like that.
She could only see their backs, and now Dan leaned into Phil’s space to guide his hands, but even so Cornelia could see the love oozing out of them. They were wonderful people who had grown so much and she was very proud of them.
She leaned in next to Martyn, eyes not leaving Dan and Phil for even a moment.
“They grew up so nicely, didn’t they?” Cornelia asked Martyn, a proud smile on her face.
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Who donates the gift cards? They should get recognition. That person has my whole heart. I never win, but every birthday drive they’re there. I petition the person to come forward and get their due.
You should ask the people from @phandomgives or @phandomwatch. I know irl merch donates for the prizes but I think some things could potentially come from the organizers.
Psa: I'm not one of the organizers, i just never shut up so if people ask somethibg I might answer if i think i know the answer (which i probably shouldn't), so don't quote me on anything. 😂 I can bouch for the first sentence of this reply and that's all.
Shout out to the wonderful people organizing the drive and the streams. We stan responsible, creative and nice people who like to help and share. Also to everyone who donates, shares and joins the streams.
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PhandomGives Commissions! ❤️💙💛🖤
hey, fam! as i’m sure you’ve seen, the amazing people over at @phandomgives are giving creators the opportunity to offer commissioned works in exchange for donations to dan’s birthday drive, and i’m hopping on board too! i am offering 3 fics at first come first serve, at a minimum of £5 each!
how does this work? basically, if you’d like a fic written by me, all you have to do is donate £5 (or more!) to dan’s birthday drive, then email me at [email protected] or message me right here on tumblr with your receipt/proof of donation and whatever prompt you have that you’d like me to write!
i’ll write most things, for any age, however i will NOT write any smut/nsfw (including kinks), a/b/o dynamics, teacher/student, death, sad endings, sci-fi/fantasy worlds, illness, suicide, or any mental illness besides anxiety or depression.
if you’re new here or just aren’t familiar with my fics, you can find them all on my fic page HERE, or you can check out some of my most recent ones HERE, HERE, and HERE!
i’m offering these commissions on a first come, first serve basis, so if you’re one of the first three to contact me, then the fic is yours!
and if you’re interested, here is a list of all the other incredible creators offering their works as first come first serve!
if you have any questions, please direct them to @phandomgives, where they’ll be happy to help you! and if you have any questions for me, feel free to message me here or by email at [email protected]!
happy donating! and happy happy birthday to dan!! :D
#phan#phanfiction#phanfic#phandom gives#dan’s birthday drive#suicide mention tw#death mention tw#claire chatters
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The PhanCast - Episode 4: Collabs
Length: 01:38:17
Listen on SoundCloud | Listen on iTunes | Listen on Stitcher | RSS
Hosts:
Jane: @agingphangirl | Twitter | Ao3
Julia: @ineverhadmyinternetphase | Twitter | Ao3
Charlotte: @charlottekath | Twitter
Send us art | Send us an ask | Send us an email
In this episode we are all sleep deprived in our den talking about collaborating, Dan & Phil, and as usual many things off topic.
Show Notes under the cut
Questions from listeners
We answered some questions in our minisode, click here to listen to that one first
“Hey guys! I love that phancast! I love to re-listen to your videos while I’m at work to get through the day. I was wondering if you guys had any ideas or thoughts on what DnP will do in the future (youtube related). After watching dans live show about how he isn’t really concerned with videos and how he views himself as a creator and not a “youtuber” and what this means for them. I feel phil will go back to his usual but I am unsure what is going on haha there isn’t much “content” besides gaming”
As we answered something similar in the minisode, we talk about projects we’d like to see from D&P including a podcast, some other projects, and a tell-all book
“I can’t remember who said it but I bet you are so happy that II is on dvd!! I am excited for it to be a physical copy too!”
Jane was very happy about a DVD and has ordered too many copies.
Quick logistics question from us to you: If we uploaded these podcasts to YouTube, would that be something you’d be interested in? Is that a better way for you to listen or do the current hosting platforms work?
Previously on Dan and Phil
Things we talked about:
Dan’s merch for Young Minds
The Mukbang
The Driving Video
Spooky Week
We also got off-topic and discuss:
PJ’s Space Trip Tour
Driving lessons in the UK
Recent Live Shows
Fantastic Adventures - Dean & Bertie’s podcast
Kaleidotrope - The best queer rom com podcast ever!
and much much more
Monthly Topic: Collabs
Things we talked about:
Why we don’t think Dan and Phil appearing together is considered a ‘collab’ anymore
What makes a good collab? What are our favourites?
What are some collabs that don’t work in our opinion?
What makes a good spon/bad spon and our favourites?
What collabs would we like to see?
Our (and your) favourite fan-run collaborative projects
Links to things we mentioned:
Here is a link to a playlist with some of the collab videos we mentioned
@phandomficfests (word war chats are posted here too)
InDepthBants forum
@phandomgives @fandomtrumpshate
Phandom get out the vote giveaway
Updatedphan, phanoutfits, meetingphan
@phandombigbang @phandomreversebang
Honorary mention to @waveydnp @psychicmoth and @alittledizzy for making the printed version of A Match and a Fuse available to purchase.
To correct an error in this episode: The bead art Dan made is a pokemon (Jane is just old and didn’t recognise it) it’s a Rapidash, and in the sculpting video with Charlie they do make a unicorn!
Fanfiction
Julia: Warm fuzzies
Bacon and Aches - @thespianhowell
The pull (to you) - basicallymonsters
Don’t trust a song that’s flawless - @leblonde
Charlotte: Dan and Phil and ….babies?
Ellen - @watergator
Flaws of Biology - @scifiphan
you give me life - @manialester
Jane: Stuff I had to take off my faves list because we were only allowed 3
litany in which certain things are crossed out by nokomisfics, recklessfishes
Bare by basicallymonsters
Beside You I’m a Loaded Gun by ramonaspeaks
Also we mentioned A Waiting Game by @alittledizzy again because we can’t help ourselves.
Final section
We get off topic and perhaps invent a new segment of the podcast talking about Tom and Lance and their new baby!
What are we looking forward to?
Spoooooky week
II DVD release (but we’ll probably record before that)
AmazingPhil spooky week finale video
What is next month’s theme?
Fandom and traditions
See you next time!
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stray puppy appeal
rating: pg
word count: 2.5k
Summary: There's a stranger sleeping in Dan's bed, and he's not sure how to feel about it.
Notes: Written for @velvetnautilus for my thirty minute fics for charity fundraiser to benefit PhandomGives.
[read on ao3]
There's a stranger sleeping in Dan's bed, and he's not sure how to feel about it.
*
Most of the time people checking into the hotel during Dan's ten pm to four am shift aren't really looking for conversation. They're looking for a bed to sleep in or a bed to fuck in and either way they're not going to stand around making small talk with the guy behind the counter who is doing his level best to project a disinterest in any interaction outside the structure of doing his job. He finds reservations, activates key cards, and sends them on their way.
But Dan's got a sixth sense about people who are going to need something from him, and because he's the only one working the front desk during the graveyard shift he's got no way to avoid it.
That sense starts to tingle the minute the door opens and a man walks in wearing a very respectable suit and tie with a stain on the front and no luggage at all. The man looks around with a slightly wild expression that means he's either drunk or exhausted. If he's drunk, at least Dan can ring security.
"Can I help you, mate?" Dan asks. His voice carries across the small lobby.
The man looks at him like he's only just realized someone else was there. "I think my driver stole my wallet," he says. "And my mobile's dead, and the airline lost my luggage."
Okay. Not drunk. Damn. And it's so close to his shift ending.
"Do you have a reservation here?" Dan asks.
"I'm with the conference," Phil says.
"... conference?" Dan repeats.
There is no conference.
"Yeah," Phil says again. "The conference. We're supposed to have rooms booked out."
"There's no conference here," Dan says. "Are you sure you're at the right hotel?"
The man looks slightly queasy now. "No," he admits. "Is this the City Centre hotel?"
"... mate." Dan barely manages not to laugh. "No. It is not. You're about thirty minutes in the wrong direction."
The man rubs his forehead and lets out a very quiet, passionate. "Fuck."
*
It’s painful watching Phil sit in the straight back chair in the lobby. It’s not comfortable. Dan knows that, because he knows the furniture was chosen with the intent of keeping people from wanting to linger too long using the free lobby wifi.
He’s only got ten minutes left until shift change. He knows who comes in after him, and he knows Phil won’t be allowed to loiter without a reservation and looking as he does. He’ll be told politely but firmly to leave, and Dan has a vivid mental image of Phil Lester walking down the street helpless and lost and broke.
There’s a chance of rain, too.
Dan sighs. He had plans. Those plans involved going home, eating something horrible for him in front of the television, playing Guild Wars for a couple hours, then crashing until time for the routine to start again.
“Hey,” Dan says, voice cutting through the quiet of the small lobby. “If you need somewhere to crash for a few hours, you can come home with me.”
Phil looks startled. “I can’t do that.”
Dan shrugs. “Fine.” Thirty seconds later. “Not like I’m trying to rob you or anything, though. Doesn’t sound like the last guy left much anyway.”
Phil almost appears affronted, but the expression fades into something more miserable almost right away. “I’ve still got organs. You could harvest those.”
“If I were in the organ harvesting trade, you think I’d still be working this shit job?” Dan asks. “I could probably pay my rent on one good spleen. Unfortunately I’m chronically undermotivated, so your spleen is safe.”
“Good,” Phil says. “I’ve only got the one. I think. Do humans have two spleens?”
“Just one,” Dan says. He sounds confident even though he’s not sure. He’ll google it later.
“But I really can’t.” Phil has polite-voice on.
“Suit yourself.” Dan goes back to looking at his phone. Eight more minutes, and he’s free.
*
There are a lot of things Dan would list about himself under the column of personality flaws. He's sullen and quiet, anxious, prone to depressive spells, lacks the ability to follow through on commitments, and frequently isolates himself from the people in his life that care about him.
But he's not a bad person. So when his shift ends at four in the morning he looks at Phil and says, “Come on.” and leaves work with a stray following close on his heels.
Phil a consultant for an editing software firm, and he's clearly having a worse day than Dan is but that doesn’t stop him from being chatty.
"I'll just charge my phone for a bit," Phil promises. "Then I'll be able to ring someone and figure out money.”
Dan doesn't really have money to give him. All of his meager paycheck goes towards rent for an overpriced one bedroom flat in one of the shittier London neighborhoods.
"Figure it out tomorrow," Dan says, waving a hand. If nothing else he'll be a nice person and put Phil into a car.
"It's already tomorrow, isn't it?" Phil says. "I'm all messed up with times. I flew here from California."
"Yeah?" Dan asks. He’s knows he sounds disinterested, but he’s really just… tired. He’s always tired.
"I'm actually from Manchester. But they flew me out to California to train me on the software, and I'm supposed to present it at this conference. At least it doesn't start until tomorrow, right?" Phil laughs a tepid laugh. He seems aware that he's mostly talking to himself. "Right. Where are we going?"
Dan gives him an amused look. "Would you know even if I told you? It's only five more minutes."
Walking to and from work is the only exercise Dan gets most of the time. There are days when he'd probably skive off work altogether if not for how much he enjoys his early morning walks.
"Right," Phil says a third time. "Okay."
*
In the bright light of Dan's kitchen, Phil looks even worse for wear.
"When's the last time you slept?" Dan asks. He'd really just planned on making some coffee while Phil's phone charged enough to make do and then sending him on his way, but now safe within his own territory Dan feels a strange stirring to do something more.
It's not often he's the one that can help other people. It's not often he feels like he can offer something that makes a difference to someone else.
Phil shrugs. "I can't sleep on planes, and the flight was twelve hours. And the night before they took me out for dinner and kept buying me drinks and then I had to go back to the hotel room and pack..."
"So, it's been a while." Dan abandons the coffee idea and heads into his bedroom.
Phil follows after him, but stops in the doorway. "What-"
Dan looks over his shoulder. "You want something more comfortable to wear? Maybe a shower?"
Phil looks surprised. "You're not going to harvest my organs, are you?"
"No," Dan says. "Can't be bothered cleaning up after that kind of mess today. But you look like shit, mate."
Phil looks down. "I spilled coffee on myself at the airport. I thought that would end up being the worst part of my morning. Before the airline losing my luggage, and the car driver taking my wallet."
He's already rung his bank and credit card company to cancel the cards, taking care of that from the hotel phone behind the reception desk.
Dan tosses him a t-shirt and a pair of joggers. "The shampoo in my bathroom is for curly hair, but have at it."
"Thanks," Phil says, holding the bundle of clothes. Dan looks up again when he doesn't move. "Where's the bathroom?"
*
Phil's shower is fast. Dan's not sure if he's always quick at it, or if he's just uncomfortable in Dan's space. His hair is wet and falls limply over his forehead and somehow the five o'clock shadow on his face seems a touch darker.
"Thanks," he says. "I feel more human now."
"You don't look it," Dan says bluntly.
Phil shrugs. He's at his phone already. "I'm at forty percent now. If you need me to go..."
"Didn't say I did, did I?" Dan asks. "Are you sure you're even safe to go out there? Why don't you just, I don't know, have a nap."
Dan's tired himself now, or beginning to be. He usually falls asleep around sunrise and wakes late afternoon. But Phil looks ten times worse.
"I couldn't-" Phil starts to say. "I couldn't impose."
"Fine." Dan shrugs. "I'm still offering, though."
Phil looks back down at his phone. "I could just... ring someone. To get me."
"You know people in London?" Dan asks.
Phil shakes his head. "But I could call the convention organizers..."
"At-" He looks at the time. "Five seventeen in the morning."
Phil winces. "I guess not."
"Just sleep," Dan says. "I still won't harvest your organs."
Phil gives him a grateful look. "Thank you."
*
Dan's a nice guy, but also a bit of a creep sometimes.
He definitely watches Phil sleep. He stands in the doorway of his bedroom and stares, because now that the buzz of a weird new situation has faded a bit he's able to recognize that Phil is quite fit.
There haven't been any fit guys in Dan's bed in a while. No fit girls, either. No one at all, except Dan and his laptop and his left hand.
Not that he's thinking of having sex with a random businessman that wandered into his workplace. He's not that hard up. Sex isn't even the first thing on his mind most of the time. He's got too much other shit to get together.
Dan stares just a bit longer, then turns and walks away. He'll nap on the sofa for a while.
*
He doesn't really sleep, but awareness fades in and out in stretches of five and ten minutes at a time until the sun is beaming down too directly on his face. He squints and rubs a hand over his eyes. He's tired, bone deep weary, and there's a stranger in his bed.
He opens the fridge and there's not much there. He takes his lunch around two am most days, and doesn't eat again until late afternoon. There's a lot of takeaway in his life, a lot of freezer meals.
Can't feed a freezer meal to a stranger. His nana would drive all the way from Reading just to slap him for it.
He doesn't even know what Phil likes to eat. Is he vegetarian? Vegan? Gluten free? Does he watch his carbs?
Indecision is paralyzing, but Dan's hungry and he needs something to do. He orders a pizza, but he orders what he'd normally get for himself. It's not a date, he tells himself. No need to try all that hard.
*
Tall, dark, and handsome-if-you-like-that-type stumbles bleary eyed from the depths of Dan's sleep cave at half two.
"Oh my god," he says, sounding mildly horrified. "I can't believe I slept so long."
Dan's on his laptop. He barely glances up. "Must have needed it."
"My phone's charged," Phil says. "If you need me to go."
Dan ignores the comment and says, "There's pizza."
"Pizza?" Phil's interest is definitely piqued.
"You must be hungry, right?" Dan asks.
"Starved," Phil says. He opens the box. The pizza's gone cold by now but he doesn't seem to mind. He takes a bite and moans slightly. "This is amazing."
"It's Dominoes," Dan says, "But it's good to know that's where your taste level is at."
"Nothing wrong with a Dominoes," Phil says.
Dan does happen to agree.
Phil eats his pizza standing. Dan pretends to be doing work on his laptop, when in reality he's refreshing twitter and watching Phil out of the corner of his eye.
When Phil's done eating, he wipes his hands on his (Dan's) joggers and then walks back into the bedroom.
Dan has a sinking feeling in his gut, and he's not sure what put it there. All he knows is that this day stands out from every other day already, and he's reluctant to let that go.
But then there's Phil, this person Dan barely knows, with whom Dan has barely even had a real conversation, and he's walking out of Dan's bedroom dressed again and regret for that unknown reason blooms even brighter.
"Guess you'll be going then?" Dan asks.
He can tell his voice sounds clipped. Phil can too, apparently. "If that's alright? Or did you change your mind on the organ harvesting?"
"Still can't be bothered," Dan says, shutting the laptop. Phil's wearing his own trousers and a button up.
"I need to get to my hotel," Phil says. "And then ring the airport about my luggage, and have someone wire me some money."
Dan can see the discarded tie making an unsightly lump in his trouser pocket, and he's got his jacket over one shoulder. The coffee stain looks even worse in the light of day. He's got Dan's hoodie clutched in his other hand.
"You can take that if you want to."
Dan's not sure where the offer comes from. He likes that hoodie.
Phil looks down at it. "Really?" He asks. "We could... we could meet up. For me to give it back to you. And pay you back."
"Pay me back?" Dan asks.
"For the money I'm about to ask to borrow so I can get the tube to where I need to be." Phil says meekly.
"Oh," Dan says. "Yeah, right."
"But I want to make it up to you." Phil takes a breath and then looks at Dan almost imploringly. "Dinner? When's your night off work?"
"Don't worry about it," Dan says. He grabs his wallet and pulls out the only cash he has. He doesn't even count it. "You don't need to pay me back. If you want to return the hoodie, drop it by the hotel."
Phil looks down at where Dan's offering it out to him. He's frowning, and Dan's starting to wonder exactly what's wrong when Phil says, "What if I just want to take you out?"
"What?" Dan stares at him.
"You're - am I wrong?" Phil asks. "I just.. I saw your quilt. And the sticker on your mirror.”
The warm, heavy quilt his friend made him in the colors of a rainbow flag. The equality sticker. "Are you asking me out? Are you even gay?"
The moment feels like a step beyond surreal.
Phil lifts up his trouser leg. His socks have little rainbows on them. Phil shrugs. "A bit?"
"You're a bit gay, or you're a bit asking me out?"
"Both?" Phil says.
"Okay I get how you can be a bit gay, but - how do you just ask someone out a bit?" Dan asks.
Phil begins to look uncomfortable. "If you don't want to, that's fine. I'll have your hoodie sent-"
"I don't work Sunday night," Dan interrupts him.
"Sunday," Phil repeats, smiling. "Alright. I'll bring the hoodie then. And buy you dinner."
*
Sunday comes, and Sunday goes. Dinner turns into a drink after and then a slow stumble through Dan's doorway with hands and mouths exploring. Monday morning dawns bright and early.
There's a stranger in Dan's bed again, and this time he knows exactly how to feel about it.
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in the strangest locations
rating: pg
word count: 3k
Summary: Dan's first week on the job. (A prequel to Celebration.)
Notes: Written for @waveydnp for my thirty minute fics for charity fundraiser to benefit PhandomGives.
[read on ao3]
The basement office smells of stale air and weirdly sweet, like the smell of Dan's grandmother's car when he'd leave a bag of sweets open in the summertime and they'd all melt together into a sticky sugar lump.
"Hello?" Dan calls out. His heart is tap-tap-tapping fast in his chest, the queasy beat of anxiety he can't shake in situations like this. His whole life so far has been about pushing past and working around this feeling, trying not to let it defeat him. It's the voice in the back of his mind and the sweat underneath his collar and the butterflies in his stomach. He's wondering if maybe this is the wrong office after all, or maybe it's the right office but his new partner isn't around, or maybe he-
"Oh, hi! You must be Dan!" A person pops out from behind a closed doorway. He's wearing a suit but there's a stain on his tie and one leg of his pants are rucked up enough that Dan can see a bright green sock, definitely not bureau standard. "Howell, I mean. Dan Howell?"
"Yeah," Dan says, holding out a hand. "And you're Lester?"
"Call me Phil," his new partner says, and closes Dan's fingers in the grip of his own. "It's nice to finally meet you."
*
Phil Lester is also British.
Dan had known that going in. He'd read Lester's - Phil's - file and then done what any millennial worth his salt does, and googled the fuck out of him. He knows where he's from and that he's got dual citizenship and that he likes leaving sometimes scathing hotel reviews.
He knows that Phil's last partner requested a transfer away from him, but the part of the file that listed why had been redacted. He's intensely curious; was being stuck with someone fresh out of Quantico a punishment for Phil?
Or was it a test for Dan?
If it was, he's not really sure what it's mean to accomplish because he's known Phil Lester for all of a day and all he has to show for it is a full belly - Phil values his lunch break and also values company while he takes it - and a growing sense of admiration for a man who seems to have been given the total shit end of the stick in terms of bureau assignments and still seems happy as a fucking clam about it.
*
It only takes two days for reality to settle in, consequently the same amount of time it takes for them to be given their first assignment as partners.
"We got a case!" Phil seems elated. "And I think this one got sent down to us especially for you?"
He slides Dan a folder. Dan picks it up and flips through it. "Phishing? We're investigating... an email fraud scam?"
"Yep." Phil still looks far too delighted. Dan doesn't get it. "Pacific Northwest. Oregon, I think?"
"Yeah," Dan mutters a confirmation, still skimming the file. "I don't get it. Shouldn't this be easy to shut down? This looks like your average Nigerian prince bullshit."
Phil shakes his head. "Keep reading."
Dan can feel his own brow wrinkling in confusing the more he gets into the file. "What?" He mutters, then a few seconds later more loudly, "What?"
"Yep." Phil grins. "It's fun, isn't it?"
"I mean, not if you're one of the people getting ripped off, but... how are they doing this?" Dan flips back to the start to see if he missed anything. "How did manage to phish seventeen high ranking cyber crimes assigned agents?"
Phil shrugs. "That's what we're supposed to figure out."
*
"So why us?" Dan asks, clipping the buckle of the airplane seatbelt together.
They're in economy. He's not sure why he's disappointed. When Phil said they were flying out that evening he'd pictured in his head some kind of Mission Impossible scene where they donned full suits and strode into business class wearing their sunglasses.
Instead Phil's in jeans and a hoodie and Dan feels overdressed in the button up and the same trousers he wore to the office.
"Because we won't be targets," Phil says. "I've not had any cyber crimes cases, and you're brand new so no one's going to have heard of you. The last three agents they put on the case of this guy all had their security breached before they checked into the motel in Oregon. They think we'll be able to go undetected. We're not technically undercover. We're just - not... overcover? Either? So... you might want to dress a bit less..."
Phil seems to flounder for a word.
"No worries," Dan says, face going hot as he feels every bit of his comparative youth and inexperience. "I brought some stuff."
*
He didn't actually bring some stuff.
He sits on the edge of his motel bed, staring at a stain on the carpet.
("Not much of a budget of us, I'm afraid," Phil had said, standing in the lobby area. It's an open plan, two long flat buildings parallel with doors all facing open air.
Everything about it feels seedy and cheap. It's not even properly in town, it's on the fringes where things begin to look a bit worn down.)
He's not sure what the protocol is now. Phil said goodbye to him in the car park, but - what happens next?
It's only half six. Does he get dinner on his own?
Does he meet back up with Phil tomorrow?
Is he meant to be doing something with the case file?
Why hadn't he fucking asked?
He has the strange urge to ring his mum just to hear a familiar voice, but he refuses to be the person who needs his mum to tell him that it's alright on his first week of being an actual employed theoretically functional career adult.
He could go get some clothes so he doesn't look like an idiot when he and Phil meet back up. He's got the keys to the rental car - which Phil, for some reason, put entire trust and faith in Dan to drive even though Dan's only six months past being old enough to legally hire a car to begin with. But what if Phil looks outside and sees the car gone? Should he just take an Uber instead, or call for a taxi? But then what if Phil came to his room and Dan wasn't there but the car was? What if Phil saw him being picked up, or dropped back off? What if-
He stands and starts to pace around the room. His heart is hammering too fast and he's got that queasy-sweaty feeling that he gets when everything starts to become just a bit too much.
He jumps at the knock on his door. When he opens it, Phil's standing there - still in the same soft looking hoodie with his hair pushed back off his forehead and glasses on, and fuzzy pajama pants from the waist down. "I can't believe it but we forgot to exchange mobile numbers. Also, do you fancy a pizza?"
"Pizza?" Dan asks.
Phil's smile falters a bit. "Unless you just wanted to do dinner on your own. I just thought-"
"No, pizza's good," Dan quickly says. "We could... talk about the case, too?"
They hadn't on the plane, of course. Sensitive, classified material.
Dan assumes.
"Great!" Phil says, shooting Dan one of those bright smiles. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
*
Dan changes into his own pajamas quickly before Phil comes back.
He can't be sure, having never actually had a partner before, but he's fairly sure pajama pizza parties aren't standard operating protocol on assignments.
But then Phil is sat cross-legged on the full sized bed chewing on what appears to be half a slice of pizza he just shoved into his mouth in one bite. "Sorry," he says, looking sheepish when he sees Dan staring. "I was really hungry, and this pizza's good."
It is good, actually, and if Dan can just relax for five goddamn seconds he might enjoy it. Instead his body feels full of jittery energy still. He folds one foot underneath him while the other rests on the floor, foot tap-tap-tapping away.
Phil pulls out the case files after a few minutes. There's not that much to talk about; they're here to monitor the situation and close in on the suspect once the bureau can get a lock on him.
"They wanted you," Phil says again, sounding almost proud.
Dan's not sure why that makes him feel so nice. "Why?"
"Your computer background," Phil says. "You specialized in profiling hackers, didn't you?"
"I specialized in whatever meant I got to spend most of my time alone," Dan says.
It's a bit of unintentional honesty, but it makes Phil laugh so he doesn't think it's that bad.
"What about you?" Dan asks, taking a bold step forward into casual conversation territory. "What's your specialty?"
"Linguistics," Phil says. "But I don't do much with it. Translations sometimes, but I'm sort of... I get the cases no one else wants."
"Like what?" Dan asks, settling back against the headboard.
"I had to investigate a comedian last year," Phil says. "Because someone reported one of his stand up bits. I had to track him for six months."
"Was he funny?" Dan asks.
Phil shakes his head. "Dead boring. All his jobs were about like, sleeping with women and disappointing his mum and sport."
"Not a fan of sport?" Dan asks.
"Or disappointing my mum," Phil says. "She gave birth to me, why would I want to call her stupid in front of people? Also she's not stupid. She probably heard me say that, using her mum senses. I wouldn't call you stupid, mum.."
Dan laughs. "I don't think she can hear you, but I believe you."
He thinks about the third thing Phil said the comedian talked about, and how Phil hadn't mentioned that at all.
But Phil's probably into women. Most guys are into women. Dan's really got to learn how to stop trying to project non-straightness on every man that talks to him for more than three seconds.
Especially his new partner at this job that, if all goes well, he'll be at for a very long time.
*
The rain starts around midnight.
Phil's been gone for an hour, the pizza demolished and the case discussed and almost another hour of random conversation layered on top of and in between the two.
It was nice. Like - proper nice, in a way Dan hadn't expected.
Phil's funny, and kind, and talking to him already makes Dan feel less scared.
The rain can fuck off, though. It's pounding against the windows, only drowned out every few minutes by massive cracks of thunder.
He can't take his eyes off the silhouette of trees across the way when the lightning strikes to accompany it. Framed by tall trees and threatening clouds, it looks like the setting of a horror movie out.
He hates storms at night. He won't sleep much, he already knows. He keeps the light turned on and his laptop up, distracting himself with music until he can't focus anymore and then watching youtube videos of fluffy animals.
It's fine - it's working. He'll be exhausted the next day, but he lives half his life deprived of adequate sleep. Adrenaline will save the day. It's fine, he's fine.
And then the power goes out.
*
He's shivering in front of Phil's hotel room, soaking wet from the dash across the half-full parking lot.
He doesn't even know what he's going to say when Phil answers.
That he's a fucking child and he's afraid of the dark?
He should just pack his shit up right now, go back home and tell everyone he couldn't do it. None of them thought he'd really be able to anyway. Even his nana, his biggest supporter and fan, made sure to tell him at least twice a year that failure's not the end.
They won't be surprised that he couldn't even hack it a week.
He feels sick and scared and ridiculous but self preservation kicks in two seconds after he knocks. His stomach lurches and he takes a step back, then another, and starts to walk away. He wishes there were a corner to turn, some way to hide.
Phil catches him before he gets too far. "Dan?"
He sounds sleepy. Of course he was asleep. It's fucking one in the morning.
"Uh." Dan turns around. "The power's out."
"Oh - wow." Phil frowns and looks behind him. "You're right. I slept through it."
"Sorry," Dan mumbles. "I'll just-"
He waves a hand, but just as he starts to walk away again thunder crashes. It's chased by lightning only seconds later, shockingly close.
Dan shrieks and drops his phone. "Fuck. Fuck!"
Phil steps out into the rain and grabs Dan's phone for him. There's naked concern in his eyes. "Come inside."
*
Dan stands dripping in front of Phil's door until Phil comes over with a towel.
What a fucking mess. He's a fucking mess.
"Here," Phil says, handing him a bundle of dry clothes. "You can change in the toilet. I always bring extras, anyway."
Dan slinks into the toilet. Every bit of him is drenched, hair and shirt and pants and socks. He leaves them in a soggy pile on Phil's floor, only keeping his pants on. He can live with that level of dampness.
When he steps back out, he's got apologies on his tongue but Phil speaks for he even has the chance.
"It's awful out there." Phil peers out the window. "It's probably good you came over here. My phone's almost dead, I'd only just plugged it in before I slept. Here's yours, by the way. You've got a bit of a scratch in the corner but I tried to clean the mud off."
"Oh," Dan says. He'd forgotten he'd even dropped it. He takes it from Phil. "Thanks."
"Did you-" Phil starts to ask something, then stops. "Are you alright?"
His face looks so, so kind. It's almost enough to break Dan.
"I'm okay," Dan says, nodding more to himself than Phil. "It's just a lot."
"It is," Phil agrees. He sits down on the bed and pats the spot beside him. "Come on, have a seat. Keep me company until the power comes back.
Phil wants Dan to keep him company. Phil, who surely can see the state that Dan is in, who can surely see how much Dan is struggling, is asking Dan to keep him company.
There's not much in the world that he's got any faith in, but in that moment he suddenly finds he has faith that Phil Lester is not going to make him feel as awful as most of the people he suffered through his Academy years with always did.
*
Dan wakes up with an ache in his neck from sleeping half propped up against the pillow. He's cold - body on top of the blankets of Phil's bed, still wearing Phil's pajamas.
He looks over. Phil's properly in bed, having apparently gotten under the bedding some time after Dan fell asleep.
He can't remember how many hours they stayed up talking, but by the time Dan's body did wear itself out the storm had faded off into a light patter of rain and the sun was threatening to come out. They didn't even talk about anything important - their respective childhoods in England, Quantico stories, Phil's seemingly endless recollections of strange and esoteric cases that have been given to him. The last thing he recalls if Phil grilling him on what his mum's dog Colin is like.
Apparently Phil really, really likes dogs.
Dan gives him one more look then gingerly gets out of bed and walks into the bathroom, collects his wet clothes, and retreats back to his own motel room.
*
He gets another three hours of sleep in his own bed before Phil's knocking wakes him up.
He's prepared for some kind of awkwardness, but instead Phil's fully dressed and smiling brightly. "I hope you've enjoyed our fantastic stay in Oregon."
"What?" Dan's confused.
Phil just shrugs. "They got him. They want us back home today."
*
"I can't believe we didn't even have to do anything," Dan says.
Local police made the arrest, and higher ranking field agents descended to take him in. Now he and Phil are sat on a plane back to DC.
Dan's full of restless energy, but in a different way than before in the motel room. Now he's just sort of disappointed that this was his first real case and the actual case part was... non-existent. All that hype and nothing to show for it. He wants a refund on the amount of emotional energy he's spent anticipating this.
Phil shrugs. "Sometimes assignments are just like that. It's not really like it is on television. Sometimes the agent who saves the day is behind a computer on the other side of the country. Is that... what you wanted, though? Excitement and like, guns and stuff?"
"Not really," Dan admits. "The guns freak me out."
He's still wearing Phil's extra hoodie from the night before. It's cozy, and he firmly pushes away that faintly giddy feeling inside that comes with wearing the clothes of an attractive man that he is rapidly realizing he mind find himself liking quite a lot.
He also pushes away the memory of Phil asleep in bed beside him. He's probably straight, Dan thinks. He probably thinks Dan is straight too. He's only got room in his head for one crisis, and not being an embarrassment as a special agent has to take precedence right now.
Phil is giving him one of those pleasantly surprised looks. "Me too," he says. "I'm also really bad at them. I'm a horrible shot. My last partner - he requested off me. Thought I was, I believe the exact words were, a fucking weirdo who has no place in the bureau."
Dan looks at Phil. He can see right away that Phil's struggling a bit with what he's saying.
"Jesus," Dan says.
Phil shrugs a bit, just a lift of one shoulder. "I don't try to be, but I suppose maybe I am. So if you want... if it doesn't end up... working out. It's alright. You do have options, they won't - they wouldn't question it, I think, if you wanted to transfer away."
"No." The pang of emotion Dan feels is as solid as a punch. He meets Phil's gaze directly and says, with almost a note of defiance in his voice, "I think this is going to work out just fine."
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Title: comfort and quiet
Rating: G
Word Count: 913 words
Summary: The first time Phil has a migraine with Dan around.
Notes: Written for @notallgays, for my thirty minute fics for charity fundraiser to benefit PhandomGives.
[read on AO3]
There's a knocking somewhere distantly, but it sounds like a hammer right to Phil's skull. His stomach jolts and all he wants in the world is for the sound to disappear but the idea of moving or opening his eyes or calling out seems impossible.
He has no way of determining how much time passes, but eventually the knocking stops and is replaced by another series of sounds. The creak and thud of the door. Footsteps.
Then a voice calling out: "Phil?"
It's Dan's voice. Phil loves Dan's voice. He wants to hear Dan talk all the time, his angry rants and his passionate spirals about whatever topic interests him at the moment, his hopes and fears and giddy plans for the future.
Just - not right now. Right now Dan's voice is probably the worst thing Phil could imagine because it's closer than the knocking had been.
"Phil, you lazy dick." Dan plops down on the bed beside Phil, jostling the mattress.
Somehow Phil manages not to actually sick all over Dan, but it's a very close thing. He's saved only by the fact that Phil's body can't muster up the energy to even vomit right now.
"Stop," Phil rasps. His mind swims and for a second he wonders how Dan got in, but then he remembers that Dan lives in Manchester now and he'd given Dan a key just a week ago, the day Dan moved into his uni halls.
"Are you sick?" Dan asks, yanking his hands away. Almost immediately they're back on Phil though, backs of his fingers cool against Phil's forehead.
"Headache," Phil says. "Shh."
It really is just that. It's what he says when people asks. Just a headache, everyone gets them. Except sometimes Phil's are very, very bad and sometimes his headaches mean he's got to lie in bed for twelve hours with the lights off and sometimes when they're very, very, very bad he actually does end up sicking on the bed or himself then has to lay there in his own misery working up the energy to move.
He wants his mum. He always wants his mum when he's got a headache this bad. It hits him all at once, how much he wishes she were here. His throat feels hot and raw and he can hear Dan talking again, hear almost-panic in Dan's voice. "Phil? You're crying-"
"Mum," Phil whispers, not even realizing he's doing it. He can feel the tears hot down his face. It makes the throbbing in his skull worse.
*
When Phil wakes up he knows first that time has passed. His head still hurts and his body feels like he's been run over with a lorry multiple times, but it's the kind of hurt that means the worst has past.
The flat is completely silent. His light is off, and there's a glass of water half empty beside the bed, with the tablets he takes sometimes for his head out beside them. Did he do that himself? It wouldn't be the first time he had a spotty memory after a spell this bad.
He sits up shakily, bracing his arms on the mattress on either side of him. He needs the toilet and then probably to get something in his stomach and then he needs to sleep for another ten hours. He could probably do with a shower too, he feels caked in dried sweat, but that'll wait.
He's just working up to sitting up when he remembers Dan. Fuck, he thinks, he'll have to call Dan later and explain. It's not that Dan doesn't know he has them but somehow he's never managed to have one while Dan was around, so the extent of Dan's awareness has really just been that now and then Phil will go a few hours without answering his texts.
He's looking around to find his phone when he hears footsteps. He looks up and there's Dan, right in the doorway. "You're still here," Phil says, surprised.
"Of course," Dan says, like Phil's an idiot for even asking. "Are you doing okay? Your mum thought it might be a while longer..."
"You talked to my mum?" Phil asks.
"Yeah. You kept saying you wanted her and uh, you were kind of, crying?" Dan's voice rises at the end, like he feels awkward reminding Phil. "So I rang her. I was going to let you talk to her, but you were already asleep. She told me where you usually keep your pills and what I should do for you, though. Hopefully I did it right."
"You..." Phil looks at the water by the table. "Oh. Dan..."
Dan shifts his weight from foot to foot. He looks young, with his slightly too long hair and his teeth sunk into his bottom lip before he talks. "What else can I do? What do you need?"
"The toilet," Phil says, because really he needs it quite badly. "And then a cuddle, maybe."
Dan grins, dimple showing. "I can do that."
*
The sheets definitely smell like someone's been sweating for hours in them, but Dan doesn't complain. He just takes his normal spot tucked in closer to the wall and lets Phil curl up beside him.
"Hey," Phil says, voice slurring because he's already half asleep. "Don't you have lectures?"
"Nah," Dan says, sliding his fingers through Phil's hair. The touch doesn't hurt anymore, it just feels nice and soothing. "Got nowhere to be but here. Now go to sleep."
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Title: a crash and then
Rating: G
Word Count: 584 words
Summary: Dan breaks the coffee table.
Notes: Written for @dnovep, for my thirty minute fics for charity fundraiser to benefit PhandomGives.
[read on AO3]
"I'm fine," Dan says. He's still sat on the floor cradling his arm. He's not bleeding but there’s redness on his skin and he knows it'll probably be a fantastic bruise. "Phil. Chill the fuck out. I'm fine."
"You don't sound fine," Phil says.
"It's not a big deal, Phil! It just... happens sometimes," Dan says. "I just stood up too fast."
"You passed out!" Phil's voice turns into a shriek towards the end. "Look at the table! I think that's a big deal!"
"I'll buy a new fucking table," Dan snaps.
Phil goes quiet. "I don't care about the table."
Dan sighs. His ass hurts. His arm hurts. Looking at the broken table hurts. And worst of all, he's still got the same fucking headache that's been plaguing him all day. "I feel like shit."
"Do you need to... lie down?" Phil asks. "Should we call a taxi and go to A&E?"
"No hospital." Dan is shaking his head before Phil even stops talking. "Maybe a nap, though. And... a glass of water?"
Phil looks relieved to have something to do.
*
The table is gone.
It's dark out now. He must have slept for a few hours.
Dan stands in the doorway and looks at where it used to be. He feels better in a way, and worse in a different way, because the table is gone and he worried Phil and then he snapped at Phil when Phil was only trying to be nice.
"You're up," Phil says. He's behind the island, standing in front of the stove. He's wearing an apron with a smear of red already on it, and a matching one on his shirt sleeve. Dan doesn't even know why Phil wears the apron, it can never stand a chance against his ability to create mess.
"You're cooking," Dan says.
"Yeah. Hope you're fine with a bolognese. We didn't have much left but there was some pasta and a jar of sauce..." Phil shoves his hands into his pockets. He'll probably have tomato stains in his fucking trouser pockets now.
He's a mess. But so is Dan.
Dan sits down on the sofa. "It happened a few times when I was a teenager. It really is just a blood pressure thing. I felt a bit shit earlier but it's been so long since I last passed out that I forgot what it felt like beforehand."
"Well can you..." Phil stops talking and reaches behind him to untie the apron, leaving the pasta simmering in its sauce to walk over to Dan. "Can you not forget again, because that scared the crap out of me, Dan."
The quiet sincerity of Phil's voice just intensifies the knot in Dan's stomach. "I can try," Dan says. He looks over at Phil and suddenly hates the space between them. In a very tiny voice he says, "Cuddle?"
Phil breaks into a soft smile immediately, holding his arms open. Dan slumps against him, enjoying the way Phil's arms feel around him. He feels grounded for the first time in hours. "Are you hungry at all?" Phil asks.
"A bit," Dan says. "As long as you tell me you didn't make dinner because you thought I was too poorly to."
"I made dinner because I was hungry," Phil says, so matter of factly that Dan laughs and actually believes him. "Hey, you know what?"
"What?" Dan asks.
Phil kisses Dan's forehead, just at the temple. "I hated that coffee table anyway."
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Title: tomorrow brings new things
Rating: PG
Word Count: 961 words
Summary: It's October 19 and Phil doesn't know what he's doing.
Notes: Written for @butifyoujudgeafish, for my thirty minute fics for charity fundraiser to benefit PhandomGives.
[read on AO3]
Phil's been in this situation before.
He's been stood shoulder to shoulder with a boy he likes, a boy whose face he knows from the internet, whose laugh makes his skin tingle with promise when he hears it over a phone line from hours away.
But there's always been something else; some element to temper it, some sense that what he feels might be real but it might not be. It might be something that flourishes online but withers face to face, and he's grown to hate that feeling so much that he could hardly sleep the night before for dreading it.
It's the same feeling that's led him to almost cancel Dan's visit no less than three times - the knowledge that opportunity and risk go hand in hand and they've already passed a point of something more than friends - to the extent that if they met and felt no chemistry it would likely smother the friendship underneath it.
But there's none of that here, and that's what makes this situation different. He feels like he’s in freefall waiting for a snap of reality that hasn’t come yet. He’s beginning to think that it might not come at all.
That's what makes Dan different.
*
Phil's never felt this exhilarated by another person.
He has to keep looking over to make sure that Dan is real.
Of course Dan's real, though; he's real enough to have laughed at Phil when Phil spilled part of his coffee on the sofa and real enough to have helped him try and mop it up even while still laughing.
Dan is flesh and blood, slightly too loud and slightly too eager to seem confident and slightly too bold (in just the right way) with how he keeps staring at Phil's mouth and all of that feels... very, very real.
*
"We're going up there?" Dan says. His eyes are wide and he side steps around to get a better view of the massive, looming wheel.
"If you want," Phil says.
"Do you?" Dan reflects the question back on him.
Phil shrugs. "If you do."
There's a moment of stalemate and Dan rolls his eyes. "Well, then I guess we are."
*
They stand too close in the lift up to the skybar, even though there's no one else with them.
"You'll like it," Phil says. He's rambling. Babbling, even. He can't think straight right now, there are jumping beans in his head and his heart and his stomach. "It's a beautiful view."
"First the wheel, now this place..." Dan looks around. Even the lift is a bit fancy. Phil didn't plan this, he didn't plan for this to be a date, but the urge to show Dan nice things and impress him overrides. "You like pretty stuff, don't you?"
The words bubble up inside of Phil even as he knows how completely ridiculous it is. He ducks his head and bites down on the tip of his tongue before he says, "Guess so. I like you, after all."
"Fuck off." Dan punches him in the arm but he also grins ear to ear so Phil doesn't think it's all that bad.
*
"What are you thinking about?" Phil asks.
Dan jumps slightly, then looks sheepishly down.
They've almost finished their drinks. They'll go back home soon; back to Phil's big empty house. It's scary and exciting and Phil's not sure which of those feelings is winning.
It's just a friend he's having around, he tells himself. It's just a boy he met on the internet. Just a boy he gets on well with. Just - just a person that Phil looks at and feels more intensely for, more hopeful about, than maybe any other person he's met in his life.
He's very bad at talking himself down in moments like this.
Dan half-shrugs. "It's dumb."
“No it’s not,” Phil says. He doesn’t know what Dan was thinking - that’s why he asked, after all - but he is absolutely sure that it’s not dumb. He thinks every thought Dan has is fascinating, even while recognizing the silly kind of giddiness that leads him to believe so.
"This is just." Dan pauses, then finishes his drink in one smooth swallow before he looks at Phil. "This is just a really nice night. Things have been so weird and confusing and shit lately in my life, I forgot what having a good time felt like.'
Phil has the wild thought that he wants to give Dan every nice night that he can. The thought is much too much, much too soon.
"Ask me what I'm thinking about," Phil says.
"What are you thinking about?" Dan looks at him curiously.
Phil copies Dan, finishing his drink before he speaks. Maybe this bravery comes from the bottom of his glass, but if so he'll ride it out. "I want you to kiss me again."
Dan sucks in a breath. "Maybe it's your turn to kiss me."
"Okay," Phil says, and then he doesn't do anything, because they're sat in a swank bar surrounded by people. What he does do is reach across the table and take Dan's hand. "Let’s go back to mine, then."
“Oh my god,” Dan says under his breath. “Well, that’s a line.”
Phil’s face goes red. “Shut up. It is not.”
“It totally is,” Dan says. He pauses then adds, “But it worked.”
“Oh.” Phils face is definitely still red. His cheeks are hot. But now maybe for another reason, because he’s about to actually take Dan back to his house, where they’re going to stay, and they’re going to be alone-
And he has no idea what it means. He doesn’t know what’ll happen but the weird trapped-bird fluttering in his heart tells him that it’s going to mean something big.
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