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adasnotesfromthefield · 7 years

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Healing is Productive

I hate being sick. I’m not talking about, like, flu sick (though that is awful and I hate that, too, but that is different from what I am talking about). I hate being chronically ill, the kind of sickness where there is no end in sight, just good and bad days. More than I hate being sick, though, I hate being sick in a society that has taught me that: 1) I must always be productive; and 2) productivity has a very narrow definition that does not include prioritizing or taking care of yourself.

So today, as I was laying in bed, writhing in pain as I tried to find a comfortable position to try to fall asleep while my head was throbbing, my eyes ached, and the contents of my stomach threatened to come up, I decided I was going to make today “count.” I thought about all the things I was supposed to do today, all the things I could be doing instead of laying in bed, “doing nothing,” and I forced myself to run a (quick) errand outside, as well as to clean my kitchen.

Forcing myself to do these two things had some consequences: 1) the sun from being outside (even if for less than 10 minutes) sent my head back into a pounding, throbbing, sore catastrophe; 2) I re-injured my wrist (an old injury I never got checked out...whoops) while scrubbing the stove, and; 3) I ended up back in bed, with pain literally tingling from my head to my fingertips and toes, for hours before being able to get up again.

And, somewhere during this series of unfortunate events, I thought back on a post I wrote in undergrad about what it means to be productive, and how that very narrow definition of productivity needs to be expanded to make room for self care (you can read that post here). And I wish I had remembered that before I forced myself to do things I was not capable of doing in the name of being “productive.”

In all honesty, “productivity” is such bullshit. The ableism that underlies the notion that each and every human being must, in some way, “contribute” to society in a visible and/or palpable way is so strong and so hidden, it’s really dangerous. It leads us (both chronically ill and not chronically ill people) to overwork ourselves and not prioritize our own health/well-being.

It’s also a fallacy that, when you’re laying in bed, sick as a dog and not answering emails and/or going to work and/or cleaning, you’re “doing nothing.” When I had jaw surgery almost two years ago, I spent 30 days with my mouth wired shut. In those 30 days, I could count on two hands the number of times I “did something” and/or left my apartment. That recovery process drained me, though - I am talking, I was sleeping easily 12-16 hours a day for the first three weeks and was still so exhausted. I didn’t understand how I could be so tired when I was doing so little.

It was during that time that I realized how much work it takes to heal. Your mind and body work so hard to heal themselves from whatever is going on - recovery from a surgery, the flu, whatever it is. That shit takes work. And it’s all invisible work and we don’t see the immediate results of that; it’s not like that feeling when you’re out all day and it’s really hot and sunny and you’re super dehydrated and you get home and down an entire bottle of water and then your body almost immediately feels this, like, flood of relief, and you’re more alert and your throat doesn’t feel so dry anymore and you can think more clearly.

This kind of healing is different; it is gradual and internal and not so visible to the naked eye. It requires that we trust ourselves and our bodies and minds to know what’s best for them (a really hard thing to do when you’re disabled/chronically ill, but an important thing to work on), and it also requires that we fight back against societal notions of what it means to be “productive.” We have to be okay with not seeing the results of our healing immediately. In a culture of instant gratification, that can be really, really, hard, but it’s so important for us to recognize how hard our bodies and minds are working to get us back to where we need to be.

This gets harder when you’re chronically ill/disabled, because healing in that instance doesn’t have the same meaning as healing when it’s just the flu or even a surgery recovery. There is, in theory, a “light at the end of the tunnel” in those latter instances. You can say, I’ll be out of commission for the next few days/weeks, but I’ll be back at full swing soon thereafter. When you’re chronically ill, that doesn’t happen. Lots of times, you don’t get to know if/when you’ll ever be “back at full swing,” which makes giving yourself time and space to heal that much harder. You live with this mentality of, Well, I’m never gonna be at full speed, so I’m just gonna power through this because it’s not as bad as it could be. The line between “well enough to function,” and “need to dedicate time and space to heal,” is really, really blurred and often quite dynamic. But it’s also important that we work to figure that out, because we deserve all the time and space we need to heal in whatever ways we can. Just because we may need more time/space than our non-chronically ill/disabled peers, doesn’t mean our need and desire to heal is any less valid.

So yeah, healing is productive, and hard. And I wish I had been more productive today in that sense than in the sense of feeling like I have to actively “do things” in order to make my time “count.” But here I am, at the end of a draining, migraine-filled day, writing a blog post in my very dark room, wondering why my laptop screen won’t get any dimmer, and I am making it my goal to work on healing. Writing this post (which has taken so long bc of frequent breaks bc screens are hard for migraines) is part of that healing for me, as I am able to put into words all my feelings of frustration and anger that I have felt today.

Thank you for reading (whether you have read this whole thing or just parts). To all my chronically ill/disabled friends: I wish you less pain, and I wish you more comfort and/or healing.

Love,

Ada

#healing #productivity #ableism #chronic illness #disability #migraines #pain

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funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

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'RuPaul's Drag Race' under fire for 'bipolar joke'

New Post has been published on https://funnythingshere.xyz/rupauls-drag-race-under-fire-for-bipolar-joke/

'RuPaul's Drag Race' under fire for 'bipolar joke'

RuPaul’s Drag Race has come under fire after its host made a “joke” about bipolar disorder.

The long-running show sees RuPaul and a panel of judges put competing drag queens through a series of challenges until one is crowned the winner.

In the latest episode, contestants were asked to design their “evil twin” personas. Announcing the challenging, RuPaul said: “It’s time to split… personalities! I wanna see some civil disobedience. So double down – all aboard the bipolar express!”

The Queens served the yin to their yang in this week’s Evil Twins maxi challenge! 😇/😈

Sign in and snatch up FULL EPISODES of Evil Twins!#DragRace 👉https://t.co/vaKw74Zs3T#Untucked 👉 https://t.co/KCYbSpd6E7 pic.twitter.com/O4y6TnqSLe

— RuPaul’s Drag Race (@RuPaulsDragRace) June 8, 2018

Fans took to Twitter to express their feelings about the line. “If you didn’t take issue with @RuPaul using references to bipolar and dissociative identity disorder to introduce the evil twin challenge, then maybe you should reconsider your relationship with mental health stigma!” wrote one.

If you didn’t take issue with @RuPaul using references to bipolar and dissociative identity disorder to introduce the evil twin challenge, then maybe you should reconsider your relationship with mental health stigma!

Bye.

Vanjie.

Bye.#DragRace

— Joseph John Sanchez III (@JJS_III) June 8, 2018

Another added: “I’m a big fan of @RuPaulsDragRace. I also have bipolar. It’s not actually super funny. So maybe @RuPaul can toss bipolar jokes, and all other mental disability jokes, into the same dustbin as ‘shemail’.”

I’m a big fan of @RuPaulsDragRace. I also have bipolar. It not actually super funny. So maybe @RuPaul can toss bipolar jokes, and all other mental disability jokes, into the same dustbin as ‘shemail’. #MentalHealth #bipolar #neuroqueer #DragRace #ableism

— John Blatzheim (@johnbltz) June 8, 2018

they’re both normalising misusing the word bipolar and it’s fucked bc so many people watch this shitshow and take what these fuckers say as gospel so now we have idiots defending their use bc ~it’s an adjective too~ and ~it’s just a joke!!~

— kat 🤡 18 (@kaatherrinne1) June 8, 2018

also the fact that it was in conjunction with split personality jokes makes a rly unnecessary connection………

— kat 🤡 18 (@kaatherrinne1) June 8, 2018

Also fuck #DragRace tonight. Seriously, trying to do a good and evil thing and then calling it “bipolar” is not only fucking wrong but it’s outright dangerous to how people are perceived with it. This is supposed to be my happy place show not this and it can go fuck itself.

— Kim Void (@aproclivity) June 8, 2018

“The problem w rupaul saying ‘bipolar express’ is that this casual use of bipolar as an adjective/joke will make others think that it’s okay for them to grossly misuse the word too, same as when miz cracker said it in meet the queens,” wrote another. “Also the fact that it was in conjunction with split personality jokes makes a rly unnecessary connection……”

RuPaul has not responded to criticisms for the comment. Earlier this year, he had to apologise for comments made about transgender drag artists after facing another backlash. In an interview, the LGBT icon had said he “probably [would] not” accept transgender artists on the show.

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