i think the reason that i find the tragedy of the prequels so compelling is that anakin is such a good tragic hero. he's shown to be an intelligent man with a mature understanding of the world, who made catastrophic choices on purpose because they were easier and more personally satisfying to him. when fans deny him that agency, i believe they misunderstand the story in important ways. one can say that he was manipulated and deceived, one can diagnose him with every mental illness in the DSM (and people in my notes often do), but one cannot say that he wasn't fast to toss aside his moral values to lash out and to get what he wanted.

the fact of the narrative is that anakin knew better, and he chose the easy option (with full knowledge that it was 'wrong'), because he refused to accept core limitations of reality, namely the inevitability of death. he thought that having special powers meant the rules didn't apply to him and those he loved, and that's how he ended up killing kids and serving as a fascist enforcer for decades. one can contort themselves into knots to try to excuse that, and there were indeed many contextual forces that gave him so much power in the first place, but there is no real excuse for what he chose to do with that power.

without anakin being that kind of moral agent, there is no tragedy. tragedy in an aristotelean sense is a narrative designed to elicit feelings of pity and fear, because we the audience know that we too are doomed to suffer and all too readily make easy, bad choices to avoid pain. none of us want to accept that some parts of life include losing, and require sacrifice. anakin's greed was his undoing, as it is all to often our own. refusing to accept that the tragedy of the prequels, explaining away and excusing the fall of the hero, means protecting ourselves from accepting the painful truth that we are just like him, and can and do make the same kind of mistakes.

850.

1. What kinds of genres of music do you listen to? >> It’d be easier to name the genres I don’t listen to...

2. Are there any types of music that you don’t listen to at all? >> ...which would be bluegrass, polka, uh... noise... K-pop... yeah, that’s all I got right now. Honestly, K-pop is probably only here because I just haven’t gone to check out any songs, not because I actively don’t like the genre.

3. Do you own any band tees? >> Yeah, most of my t-shirts are band shirts.

4. Name some of your favorite male solo artists. >> Eddie Vedder, David Bowie, Steve Vai, Orville Peck, Sam Cooke.

5. Name some of your favorite female solo artists. >> Elle King, Sia, Beyoncé, Anita Baker, Céline Dion.

6. Name some of your favorite boy-bands. >> Okay, so are we talking boy bands, like Backstreet Boys and One Direction, or just bands with dudes in them? Because I don’t really listen to boy bands anymore (aside from songs that I remember from childhood), so.

7. Name some of your favorite all-girl bands. >> Hmm... I’m not sure I listen to any all-female bands. There’s some female-fronted bands in my library, but the rest of the members are dudes.

8. Name some of your favorite bands/groups in general. >> Oof. Here’s five: Zeal & Ardor, Coheed & Cambria, Pearl Jam, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Volbeat.

9. Do you sing in the shower? >> Sometimes, if a song I know the lyrics to is playing. I listen to music every time I shower, it helps distract my hell brain.

10. Do you sing along with the radio in the car? >> I don’t sing along in the car because Sparrow has a thing about people singing.

11. Do you listen to music while you are cooking, filling out surveys, or cleaning the house? >> Sometimes I listen to music while taking surveys, but I don’t do it often because I find it too distracting. I do listen to music while cleaning, or taking walks, or doing any other task that mostly involves my body more than my brain.

12. What’s the name of the song that you’re listening to right now, if any? What’s the name of the band/singer? >> I’m not listening to music.

13. What kinds of music do your parents listen to? Do you think that their music taste differs greatly? Whose music taste is better, in your opinion? >> I grew up listening to soul, R&B, gospel, that sort of thing. I still listen to that stuff because I enjoy it.

14. Do you ever listen to music without any words? >> Sure.

15. Are there any famous musicians that you’ve met? Are there any that you would like to meet? >> Yeah, I’ve met uhh... Avenged Sevenfold, Coheed & Cambria, and Sevendust multiple times, as well as Halestorm, Steve Vai, three-quarters of Volbeat (lead singer wasn’t feeling great so he left the venue early)... yeah, I think that’s it. I used to be really into that kind of thing, but I’m largely over it now; I actually think it would be cool to see Sparrow meet Hozier, because she’s not had that experience.

16. What was the first concert you’ve been to, if any? How about the last/most recent? Which, out of all of the concerts you’ve attended, was the best? >> First concert was Avenged Sevenfold and Coheed & Cambria (co-headliner tour), in Asbury Park, New Jersey, in April 2006. The last concert I went to was Hozier here in Grand Rapids, last year sometime. I think it was last year. :x My time sense is all fucked up. Anyway, I’ve been to way too many concerts to start naming one as the best one ever, that’s crazy. Most of the shows I’ve been to were awesome as fuck (there were a couple ehhhh... ones, and then there was one I was way too high to enjoy lmao, but usually I have a great time).

17. Do you have a favorite movie soundtrack? What is it? >> I have a favourite movie soundtrack composer, actually, and that’s Clint Mansell. Everything he does is just... AAAAAAAAA for me. I can always tell when he’s done a score because I can just feel the music in my bones, and then I look at the credits and I’m like “OH OF COURSE IT WAS YOU.”

18. Would you want to be a band groupie? Why or why not? >> I had a phase way back when where I was obsessed with groupie culture (from like the late sixties through the eighties) and if you’d asked me then, I’d have said yes. I’ve wised up by now and I definitely would not want that.

19. What is a band/singer you would like to see but haven’t gotten a chance to yet? >> Yeah, there’s a lot of bands and singers like that. But I’d have to be really picky nowadays about who I went to see, because I just can’t deal with most concert environments as well as I used to anymore.

20. Do you care more about the beat of the music you listen to, or the lyrics? >> I mean, when it comes to the first listen, it’s going to be the melody that catches me. If that doesn’t happen, then I’m not even going to bother looking at the lyrics, so...

21. Does anyone in one of your favorite bands play an unusual instrument? >> I listen to some prog bands, so there’s definitely some unusual instruments happening in at least some songs.

22. What are some of the songs that you listen to the most frequently? >> I don’t know, probably Master Boot Record and Zeal & Ardor tracks. I’m a bit obsessed right now.

23. Could you make a playlist of songs that describes your life? What kinds of playlists do you have made? >> I don’t think so. I’ve definitely tried in the past, but when you really start thinking about the vast array of experiences and feelings that make up a life, it becomes fuckin impossible.

24. Do you remember listening to music on CDs and cassettes, not just on the internet? >> Yeah. Definitely don’t miss it, gotta say.

25. What kind of music device do you use in order to listen to music? (iPod, MP3 Player, etc.) >> I use my phone or computer, with Spotify.

26. Is there anyone in your family who is a musician? >> ---

27. Would you ever consider a career in music? >> No. I love music, but as a consumer.

28. What is a song that would describe your current mood? Who is it by? >> I’m not really in any kind of mood. If you know a song about being vaguely tired, then that’s it.

29. Are there any musicians of the past that you really admire? >> Well, sure...

30. Do you listen to Top 40 type music? >> I don’t even know what’s on the Top 40, so... maybe? Probably not, though, I haven’t really gotten into any mainstream-popular artists recently that I can think of.

31. What musical instrument would you like to learn how to play? Have you ever played an instrument before/taken lessons? What was it? >> I don’t really care to learn any instruments. It’s not something I feel passionate about, not like how I feel about listening to music. I’ve taken bass guitar lessons before, in like... 2008 or so? IDK. Years are fake.

32. Do you enjoy watching musicals on DVD or sitting through them as plays? Which method do you prefer, and which is your favorite? >> I would love to watch musicals live, but I definitely cannot afford it. I’m fine watching recordings of them (or movie adaptations, in some cases). My favourite stage musical is Phantom of the Opera (I say “stage musical” because I also have a favourite movie musical, and that’s Repo! the Genetic Opera).

33. What was the worst concert you’ve ever attended before, and what made it the worst? >> Taste of Chaos at Nassau Coliseum. It was the worst because arena shows are just the worst, period. I was right up in front (my friends and I camped out overnight) and I just got repeatedly slammed against the barricade and crowd-surfers landed on my head multiple times, et cetera. I’m surprised I didn’t leave with actual injuries (was wondering if I was gonna need a neck brace by the end), but I did feel pretty damn shitty the next day.

34. Have you ever crowd-surfed during a show or been a part of a mosh pit? >> Nope.

35. Have you ever gotten into an altercation with a drunken concert fan before? What happened? >> Nah, everyone I’ve met at shows have been pretty cool, if not downright awesome. That’s one thing I always loved about going to concerts, I seemed to make new friends every time.

36. Have you ever dated someone who was a musician? >> No, but I’ve fucked a few.

37. What are some of your favorite music videos to watch? >> Oh, man, it’s getting late and while I could go ham on this question, I don’t have the time right now lol. I’ll just say that I love nineties-era music videos, and some from the aughts as well. I feel like those were the best years for music videos, but that might just be nostalgia (and the fact that I haven’t really seen as many videos from the 2010s). As far as recent artists are concerned, I think Orville Peck makes really evocative and moody (not necessarily moody like pensive or depressive. mood-y. mood-evoking) videos that I appreciate.

38. Have you ever made a lyric video on YouTube? >> No.

39. Have you ever recorded a cover song and posted it? What kind of feedback did you receive? >> No.

40. Is there an album cover design that you really admire? >> I’ve seen so many excellent album covers, I couldn’t even begin to address this.

41. What are some of the most overplayed songs right now, in your opinion? >> I wouldn’t know, I don’t listen to radio or anything.

42. Do you watch music awards shows on television? >> No.

43. Have you ever competed in any sort of singing contest before? >> No.

44. Have you ever tried to start your own band before? >> No.

45. What’s the name of a band/singer that you recently have discovered? >> Dreamcar (yet another Davey Havok side project, because he just can’t be tamed, apparently).

46. What are some annoying/weird/funny songs that have gotten stuck in your head before? >> Barbara Ann gets stuck in my head all the time, but that’s okay because it’s fun and I love it.

47. Are there any songs that actually make you cry? What are they, and who are they by? >> There are many songs that make me cry. We ain’t got time for a list like that.

48. Do you listen to any music in another language? >> Sure. Off the top of my head, I can think of fave songs in German, Swedish, Japanese, Indian, and Italian. [a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]

8/8/20

oh no.

i’ve had another dream where a man tries to kiss me despite having a partner. what is my subconscious trying to say?

last time it was br*d from b/a (but in the dream I was also Claire? I think.)

this time I was at a climbing gym (it smelled and vaguely looked like the old Y I used to go to for gymnastics...yellow lighting, pinesol scent, echo-y) and we were climbing for the first time in forever. alex was in the dream. anyway, we came upon a group and it turned out to be the bould/ering b/obat boys just goofing around with some locals. they were helping out and teaching as well. 

anyway, alex got in on it cause it was vert and i nervously wandered away to find an overhand or an easier slab, and to get away from people who might watch me climb. 

so then the evening is coming to a close and i make my way to the set the boys were teaching alex and locals. it was a red v2, lol. no one is around. i touch it, and suddenly jake (from bb) comes up behind me and encourages me to try it out. i do. he’s a very nice and patient coach cause i keep placing my feet wrong (my issue irl), but i correct myself quickly and it’s actually a really easy problem. i jump down and jake claps, kindly excited for me, and then...

...this is where my memory gets fuzzy, but basically all I remember is *snap* he’s into me and I know it, and i’m obviously into him, and he goes to kiss, but i turn away like, no, no, you have di who is on the other side of this wall. and he’s like, we’re poly. and i tell him i have to hear that from her first. he agrees and we walk off. the end. 

lmao.

and then still in ~dream state~ i’m like, damn another dream where someone almost cheats with me? what does that mean? 

that’s a rhetorical question, ofc, because even a ninny like me can tell that’s a can of worms i don’t want to open without a licensed professional on call. 

p.s. i am back to hating **** and no i will not elaborate.

p.p.s. i said i’d elaborate about jdemps looking like my dad if you lose your glasses, get lemon in your eye, and you squint, but i don’t think i will--mostly cause i want to forget i even i had that notion. 

p.p.p.s. i think a lot of people look alike when they don’t now that i think about it. i’m that one person that sees a someone’s new wedding photos on facebook or whatever, and my first thought maybe 75% of the time is...wow, they look like siblings. 

no lie. 

i’d post some examples but i won’t invade people’s privacy like that or embarrass them when i am proven RIGHT and they DO look like they married their sibling. it truly creeps me out, but i think i’ve read that people are attracted to faces that look like theirs? 

i mean:

which is a quote from an article called:

anyway, i know i’m very in love with long faces/jaws because my own long face. i hate how it’s becoming more crooked though. trying to embrace, but i’m like 🥴. literally. if i were a man i could pull it off a la rya/n gos/ling, but as a woman...🥴. 

--

what else...

started a new job. like a very serious job with a good (enough) salary and it’s sort of in my field. i don’t want to say what it is and i will continue to keep it vague even if i write a blog post to rant--mainly because of legal reasons and staying ethical, or whatever. plus, i feel like i’m in enemy territory and i don’t know how i’ll stomach some of the choices i’ll have to make. 

ugh.

i’m getting very nervous. but i’m excited about how it’ll test my skills in a lot of areas and i think it’s a great opportunity to learn and grow. originally i put a 3 year goal on this job (out by the time i’m about 30 and go to grad school), but i might drop that to 1.5 years, lmao. depend on if i like it. i just...can’t give myself to things i’m not 100% about, ya know. 

it’s why i left sp/okane. 

i really liked it and last summer was such a lovely time with L and N being in my life and climbing and just hanging with M and the fam, but times were going to start changin’, and i didn’t feel tethered to that place anymore. i felt like i had learned and earned my growth. 

i also felt like i had things to do and fix with my family here in san an, but i’ve come to figure out that while i may love them...i can’t “fix” the things that i thought i could. overall, the greatest surprise is the love and warmth i feel for my dad that i haven’t felt in years, and just the ease i feel when i’m around him. 

for YEARS i felt on edge when i was in a room with him--for reasons i didn’t even know!!! all i knew was that he hurt my mom and broke my family...but honestly, the whole story is probably kinder to his side of things because my mom...god love her, but she’s. she’s...prideful and stubborn, i guess is one way to put it. which is why our relationship is not the same and why she keeps hurting me with her words and perception of me.  

the kids are teens now and...with that comes all the moody new qualities of teens, lol, so they’re not as keen to hang out with their weird auntie anymore, but i’ve discovered new love for hanging out with my big sis, and i love that for us. 

anyway, back to this new job. yeah. i just can’t fathom sticking to something i’m not all about--which might be unhealthy, lmao. at some point i’m going to have to “settle” into something. a job. a relationship. a city. maybe? or maybe not. maybe i can continue to flutter around and get what i want to get out of things and move on. i dunno. i just dunno. 

tbh, i’m done with san an. i thought i’d stay at least until the kids are out of high school, teach resource, and figure out what path i wanted to go down for grad school in the meantime, but this job was me grasping at this life here. like, i love living my brother, but he’s only here for another year. i’ll probably find a place with alex next year (that was an option this year and we looked for a bit) and i love getting to have her as a best friend. i love having lilz close by (even if i haven’t seen her in months!). 

but, nothing feels right, and i knew that when i started getting serious about this job and knowing this is a multi-year commitment, and again, this is an invaluable experience for all the different avenues i debate between (career wise) and it’s a step in the right direction...especially with schools down and i can’t go back to subbing until i find the campus/open position i like. there’s no guarantee with the pandemic. that being said, if a vaccine is quickly available and schools open up safely and things go back to normal...maybe i’d switch back...but tbh, i don’t think it looks good moving around so much.

this year (job wise) looks terrible on paper because i didn’t spend more than three months at any job, lol--though to be fair, i was committing myself to subbing before the pandemic hit. went on spring break though...and we never came back. 

i’m not trying to talk myself out of committing to this job and what it entails (despite...again...it being an utterly sober position) but this is just what i feel. 

it’s funny to see half my peers settle down with a career and marriage and babies, but i also love that i see plenty of people more on my side of the scale, and mostly i see people in between. i get the vibe that we’re, as a whole, more accepting of alternative lifestyles and crossing social barriers and being friends with people outside of our own norms. like, it’s not sad that some people don’t want kids! 

(actually, i’ve been thinking about that the older i get and i get really lonely thinking about how it’s kind of a small island to be one the people who don’t want bio kids, but *do* want to foster and adopt children--and it’s not a medical reason. it makes me lean toward wanting to find a female partner vs a man because i read and hear so much toxic shit from men about wanting their kids to come from their own seed, lmao. and i just don’t relate to child-free folks. i want kids! i just don’t want to birth them! like, at all! lol. i remember alex saying how every time she sleeps with a man, she imagines what their hypothetical baby would look like, and i just could not relate. i mean, i’ve only had 3 partners, but not once did that ever come up in my thoughts...except to think, if i get pregnant, i’m abor/ting.) 

i’d also be cool running a foster home for dogs (any kind! medically recovering, disabled, senior!). it’s what i dreamed about as a kid (lol on a ranch in seattle after retiring from the wnba). 

anyway, lil cup of joe has worm butt again :/ tapeworms so he’s going to get some meds on monday and get updated on shots as well. i love him so much. i cry thinking about him leaving me, but he’s a small dog so he probably has like 17 more years in him and THAT makes me cry because i’ll be in my 40s and he’ll be an old man and still my sweetest bean. 

--

oh

no

i’m putting in the comparison photos:

i said if you squint!!! rub a lil salt in your eye and then you will See what i mean. 

A Witchy Get to Know Me!🌙

1. Are you a religious witch? Which religion? Yes actually! I am a “Christian Witch” I guess. I’m aware, it’s frowned upon but I’m really enjoying witchcraft so ya'know..I kinda don’t care.
2. What is your preferred herb? I really like working with lemon grass, and rosemary!
3. What is your preferred gem? I use Garnet a lot (it’s my birth stone), but preferred would probably be Amethyst or Rose Quartz. 
4. Do you do divination? Which kind? Yep, I love divination. I work with tarot and I’m currently trying to learn pendulum soooooo, more updates on that!
5. Favorite Tarot card? Sun or Lovers!
6. To Curse or not to Curse? I don’t do curses myself but, I support any Witch who chooses to do them. So, pro-curse in most situations.
7. Do you have a familiar? Yes! I do have a familiar that I met while astral projecting. But I don’t consider him a servant, more of a “Spirit Guide”.
8. Favorite candle color? Purple or yellow, really any spring tone color. (Probably because we are really close to Ostara right now lol, so I might be a little biased)
9. Favorite rune? I don’t really have one!
10. Do you celebrate the solstices, full moons, etc? I live with a family against witchcraft so, most of my practice is secretive and Im a broom closeted witch. So I do what I can to celebrate which is normally at my friends house (person in coven). But this year I do plan on having a special Ostara Altar and ritual. 
11. Do you wear a pentacle? No, again I’m a “Closeted witch”.
12. Do you have a broom? No not currently. In the future I would love to get one for energy direction in my altar, maybe a small one for my travel altar?
13. Do you have a pendulum? Working on finding/making a better one but for now I’m using a necklace :).
14. Do you have an athame? Nope.
15. How often do you meditate? I usually try to meditate before rituals and spells. I don’t really have a schedule for meditating (I’m REALLY bad at keeping schedules). BUT I try to at least once a day.
16. Do you do yoga? Not since 5th grade.
17. Whats your favorite herbal tea? I like lemon, peach, and mint tea. But I really don’t like hot tea for some reason, I mostly go iced.
18. Do you support manipulation magic? I have very vague knowledge on this topic so no real opinion but I’ll get back when I know more.
19. How many altars do you have? I have one altar almost finished (just need a real athame, offering plate, chalice, and ritual cloth). My altar is taken down and put up often because of my family finding out and it’s not very complex. Right now I’m working on a travel altar for spring break, and also to do outside rituals when it gets nice.
20. Do you do magic outside often? No, because when I do it it’s at like 3 am in my room.
21. Can you read palms, or tea leaves? Currently I read palms, but would really love to learn to read tea leaves.
22. Would you ever open your own metaphysical shop? Possibly, when I’m older but I don’t really see it happening. 
23. Is your third eye open? I’m white, and multiple posts have said this is cultural appropriation and that’s not what I’m striving to do with my witch journey. So no.
24. Do you like Astrology? Whats your sign? I read tumblr posts for fun, but I’ve never gotten seriously deep into astrology. I’m and Aquarius, so I’ve always felt connected to wind and air but other than that I don’t do much in Astrology.
25. Favorite flower? Or Tree? Forget me Nots, and Willow trees.
26. Do you have an animal guide? Since I’ve been a kid, I’ve always considered a butterfly to be following me around and giving me guidance so, yeah. 
27. Whats your favorite kind of magic? I really enjoy crystal and nature aimed magick.
28. What time do you feel most like a witch? I always feel like a witch? But I guess I feel more “in tune” during the late hours of the night.
29. Are you out of the broom closet? Out of the broom closet to my friends, (two in my coven one not) and, my friends mom. Not at all to my family though. 
30. Are you a hereditary witch? Or self discovered? I am a hereditary witch!! It’s been a long line of ancestors, but most prominently my aunt. There are many connections which is how I found my coven. This is a LONG story which if I ever have the motivation to make, I will.
31. Are you in a coven? Or solitary? Coven
32. Do you want to be in a coven? How big? I love being in a coven, and it’s pretty small only 3 people which is really fine for me. I feel way more connected and chose to stay in a smaller group. Also we formed it together so..no initiation yay!!
33. When did you become a witch? I started practicing my craft around 3 months ago when I found my aunts BOS and found out about her craft. I’ve been interested in it since I was very young though.
34. Do you make your own spells? I’ve been working on my own spells which I really like and feel like they make my craft more personal.
35. Do you make your own sigils? Yes.
36. Why did you choose this path? I Have always been curious about magick and my aunts craft. For a while I’ve had a MAJOR itch to learn and begin my craft. I’ve always been raised in a christian home and I wanted to break free kinda and do my own thing.
37. Whats your favorite element? Water.
38. Do you do any misc. magic? Right now when I don’t have time to look up a spell or anything I’ll do my own made up rituals but nothing out of the ordinary.
39. Magic or things you will never do? Can’t think of anything! I’m open to anything as of right now.
40. Strangest way a spell backfired? The first spell I ever tried to do with my coven, was a snowday spell. We delved in with very, very little research. In the center of all of our altars we had a bowl of water which acted as a portal, and we didn’t know this so we didn’t close it with salt…this actually invited a new demon spirit into the home we are currently trying to cleanse.