whoever first thought to combine cowboys and cosmic horror was onto something that shit SLAPS

damn if I had a nickel for every time ive seen a character named John that was heavily associated with the symbolic theme of dead man's hand id have two nickels. which isnt a lot but its weird that it's happened twice

📚🗓️📣 for the music ask game :3

~🥀

🥰😚🌿

📚 A song or album I could write a term paper on is Pyramid by Jason Webley. This song makes me chew on the walls in a very existential way. I'm passionate to the nines about what I consider to be a defining pillar of humanity, that is storytelling. The relationship between the teller and the listener. The degrees of separation between them, and how those degrees can shape a story to something wondrous, or render it unrecognizable. When is a living story altered enough to be called false? To whom does such a condemnation even matter?

Storytelling as a collaboration, or transaction, willing or not. The ordeal of being known. The ordeal of being known wrong. Or right. Where is a legacy, between the truth of the dead and the name by which we call the dead? Someone who doesn't want to be remembered. Someone who doesn't care if it's fiction as long as they are remembered. Will it please me when someone lights a candle and says my name?

The versions of ourselves we loan out to others to be held, that bear our names but only fractions of what those names mean. The futility of wanting to be fully understood by another the way you understand yourself, and the futility of being upset by that.

The reasons we cry, remember me in your songs. The reasons we beg, forget all I ever was.

What is the devotion of a stranger worth to you? How might it feel, when that devotion is worth castles of gold to them, if they carry an idea of you that is no more or never was? What ownership do you have over that? What would you tear down to claim it? No pre-judgement should be inferred here. Some things ought to be torn down. But then Sometimes integrity is cruel.

The difference between a person and a character, in cases where there is any difference at all.

The urge to disappear rather than be looked through unseen. The inability of the living to stop reinventing the dead. The inability of the listener not to participate in the singing of the song.

I have said very little about any of these things, mostly asked questions. Those are the questions I would write about. :]

Oh also, the other answer to an album I would write an essay on is uh...the entire musical score of lotr as created by Howard Shore and others...with particular attention to the use of elvish and other languages and the meanings their translations add.....I'm so normal about that...I'm totally not thinking about the words hidden in all the mt doom scenes that make me want to claw my chest open....nope....

I thought that was a bit TOO obvious ;]

📅 A song that calls up a specific time and place for me is Blue Ocean Floor by Justin Timberlake. That song will always take me back to warming up in the dance room at school, the backs of my hands brushing the floor in a wide arc. The wideness of the light in the only tiny room we had, and the firework curls of my beloved dance teacher. 🥰

Tesselate by Alt-J shares a similar space also with a time in my life when looking at fanart on tumblr was the hilight of my day.

📣 A lyric that feels like it is specifically calling me out is from Frozen Pines by Lord Huron:

And it feels like I've been away for an era

But nothing has changed at all

And it feels like I've been with you, oh

But what did we do, and where have you gone?

Far and away from being all poetic and shit, Ouch. That's a little too real.

Lyra and Lupus?

Lyra - Give us a few songs that fit your project!

The faery wip is the oldest and has the most songs, so I'll just put a random selection off of those playlists!

Way Out There - Lord Huron

Iron - Woodkid

Krigsgaldr - Heilung

No Light, No Light - Florence + The Machine

Lyfjaberg - Wardruna

Lupus - Have you abandoned other WIPs? Tell us about some and why you abandoned them?

Oh I've abandoned too many WIPs to mention lol :') I've tried to do less of that now because I've realized it's a real problem for me as a creative person, but there's still a lot of corpses left in my wake and many more to come, no doubt.

I can't usually pinpoint why I lose interest. Before I used to think it was because I never had an outline, but nope, I've abandoned WIPs with full, completed outlines before lol. Outlines help, but aren't a cure, turns out.

I just ... get bored, I guess? I get used to an idea after rotating it in my mind for a while, then as soon as a new one pops out I just throw the old one away like a child getting a new toy. It sucks but what can ya do :') No seriously, what can I do?

As for a specific WIP, I think I still mourn the void wip more than any other one so far. Mainly because it's still not quite dead in my mind and I keep coming back to it mentally without doing anything :') Can't write it, but can't let it go either. Sucks out here!

music asks: 1, 4, 11, 25, 28, 30, 33, 42, 48, 49, 52, 57 (green for the colour) :3c

1. Are you an albums person or a singles person?

albums!!

4. Is there a song you love but don't like its music video?

I had to think about this a lot....i dont think anything comes to mind??

11. Favorite songwriter?

would saying p2 count...but also probably mitski<3

25. Is there a song you used to like but can’t listen to anymore because you associate it with someone you don’t like?

jfdsaklf there were some fob songs n a few others i didnt listen to for a while bc of someone but i liked them all too much to let one person ruin them for me

28.Have you ever made/got a mixtape as gift to/from a friend?

nope! though ive thought abt doing that, haha cuz i think its rly sweet

30. Songs you love to sing along to:

a lot... my current fav is red wine supernova but also, august by flipturn, kiss n tell by kesha, garden song - phoebe bridgers, 16 candles - fob, revolution 0 - boygenuis, under presser - queen.. jfkdal i'll sing along to anything

33. Your favorite artist from your city/state/country?

hmmm i know the founding member of lord huron is from michigan, so probably them<3 and sufjan stevens

42. Your favorite(s) “no skips” album(s):

folie of course...but also bury me at makeout creek, no burden, n cleopatra<3

48. Who’s an artist you think it’s criminally underrated and deserves more recognition?

indigo de souza comes to mind i also i think flyana boss make such fun music! i think theyre getting some more popularity which is great

49. Is there a cover you like more than the original version?

david bowie fans look away but i love patrick's cover of life on mars. and fob's cover of love will tear us apart......i like phoebe bridger's cover of it'll all work out, and the lumineer's cover of walls

52. Do you make playlists to be listened to in a specific order or in shuffle? Or both?

shuffle<3 ive only ever tried to make a playlist to listen to in a specific order once ksjsjis

57. [Send me a color and I'll tell you the first song it reminded me of.] green

fjdskalg ginasfs...a very blue and green song to me

oooh I, M, Q, T, W for the fanfic asks?

Thanks for asking! I rambled a little on some of these answers.

[Fanfic Ask Meme]

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

Not really? I’ve kinda given up on considering anything a guilty pleasure, and I have just decided to read or write whatever the fuck I want. I think it's working out for me pretty well so far, considering I'm having fun.

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

I don’t really have a lot on the back burner; I’m trying to spend my time working on the Five Years Later AU, Blue’s canon, and prompts. These are a few ideas that I would consider on the back burner:

Rooney’s Canon: This is for my Shepard from Mass Effect. It is going to happen, but I think I need to take an afternoon and just plan it all out. I have a few ideas here and there, but I would like something more concrete.

World Ender: This is a recent idea, but oh boy, this one is gonna go full-tilt horror. Essentially, Blue dies at the hands of the Seeds and is buried in a shallow grave. But Surprise! They came back from the dead, and something isn’t quite right with everyone’s favorite goofball. It's heavily inspired by Lord Huron's The World Ender.

Batman (2022) Longfic: I would love to write a longfic for Blue’s DC canon, but I just don’t have any specific ideas right now. I figure after I write a few prompts for them; I’ll figure it out. That’s how it usually happens anyway.

And all my original stuff.

Q: Do you have any discarded scenes/storylines/projects?

Essentially any fandom that isn’t Mass Effect, FC5, or DC. I’m just generally not really interested in those projects anymore, but I may revisit them at a later date. I have two Fallout oneshots, a Cyberpunk 2077 oneshot, and a The Outer Worlds oneshot that are unfinished at the moment.

I also have a few discarded scenes from the Werewolf fic. Originally, Blue wasn’t going to know the werewolf who was attacking Hope County, but I thought it would make it more interesting if they did. Also, the scene where Blue and Joseph are having tea in the Church, was originally a scene where Blue accidentally runs into Joseph and his siblings while in their wolf form. While adorable, I didn’t think it fit the fic well. Unfortunately, for y’all, you missed John getting knocked over by Blue’s wagging tail.

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

I wanna preface this with a 'Mutuals, none of this is about you.' As far as I know/remember, I don't think I've seen anyone do this.

I don’t know if this really counts as a trope, but I immediately nope out of a fic if a writer starts being weirdly fucking aggressive towards a character that is either (a) a potential rival love interest for their ship or (b) a character’s canon love interest. It is 20-fucking-22; you do not have to hate on that character. Also, there is a double layer of awfulness because the character is usually female, and some writers feel like they have to make that character an Evil Woman™. And not to be the pettiest fucking bitch alive, but the dude they’re fighting over isn’t worth it.

In general, I’m not a huge fan of when a writer demonizes another character unfairly, especially when the characters they’re writing about is equally shitty. I’m not saying the character shouldn’t be a bastard; I actively encourage that. Sometimes, a writer's biases show, and it can kinda ruin the fic. I find the FC5 fandom can be kinda egregious about this. For example, I find they can demonize Joseph a bit unfairly, but John, the man who fucking skins people, is a poor soft boy who must be protected. They’re both bastards; just let them be bastards.

W: Do you like more general prompts, or more specific ones?

I feel like I walk a fine line with this. If a prompt is too general or too specific, I think I struggle a little bit. I usually find I work best off of Dialogue prompts or action prompts. Most dialogue prompts are pretty general and I feel like I can work them in some way. Although, if someone sends me a prompt, I'm always willing to give it a try.

a (long) get to know me tag! tagged by @jaehyukkies

tagging: @alrightyaphroditie @blahblahblahcollapse @beomkai @polargyu @dongkwan

—what day is your birthday? may 6

—what's your favorite color? mauve and sage green

—what's your lucky number? 2 the only prime number that is even

—do you have any pets? a dog

—how tall are you? 5'5″ (165cm)

—how many pairs of shoes do you own? probably 20ish but I wear like 4 regularly

—favorite song? I’m terrible at choosing favorites but I listen to treasure’s come to me every day. I also love glass animals’ agnes and lord huron’s what do it mean

—favorite movie? again I’m bad at choosing faves, but my go to comfort movies are howl’s moving castle, clueless, and troll 2 (1990)

—what would be your ideal partner? dating is honestly not at all important to me, so this isn’t something I think about. the people I’ve dated in the past were pretty different from each other, but I think the main things they had in common are that they made me laugh and were more outgoing that I am.

—do you want children? no thank you! would much rather be the fun auntie.

—have you gotten in trouble with the law? nope

—bath or shower? shower

—what color socks are you wearing? I rarely wear socks. it’s just too hot where I live for most of the year (winter included)

—favourite type of music? pop, but especially alt, indie, and r&b influenced pop

—how many pillows do you sleep with? 3

—what position do you sleep in? all of them, but most often on my stomach. I usually try to sleep on my back though since it’s easier on my back and neck

—what you don’t like when you’re sleeping? I’m not too picky about sleeping conditions. as long as it’s not too hot then I’ll eventually be able to sleep. my anxiety makes it hard for me to fall asleep, but once I am asleep, it takes a hell of a lot to wake me up

—what do you have for breakfast? during the week, usually just oatmeal and coffee. on the weekends, I usually sleep until about 11, so I skip breakfast.

—have you ever tried archery? once at church camp

—favourite fruit? mangoes my beloved

—favourite swear word? fuck is so versatile so she’s usually my go to, though I curse a whole lot less now than I used to

—do you have any scars? a couple on my knees. I was a reckless outdoorsy child

—are you a good liar? not really. the guilt usually gets to me

—what’s your personality type? istj. phlegmatic. type 6.

—what’s your favourite type of girl? what does this mean???

—innie or outie? innie

—left- or right-handed? right

—favourite food? I can always eat chicken adobo and lumpia. these foods remind me of my grandma, who is just like my favorite person in my family.

—favourite foreign food? Japanese food!

—are you clean or messy? I’m pretty clean. I get a little obsessive about cleaning and tidying, which is kind of a family trait. I just feel better when everything is neat and easy to find.

—most used phrase? I say honestly and literally pretty regularly. if you’ve seen jo koy’s tagalog thursday about how filipinos say “what did you say,” I also make that sound a lot.

—how long does it take for you to get ready? on weekdays, I’m up and out the door in under 40 minutes.

—do you talk to yourself? all the time. it really helps me to slow down my train of thought

—do you sing to yourself? yes a lot.

—are you a good singer? decidedly average. my music training is in piano and percussion, so my sense of pitch is not super developed since I only ever had to tune timpani

—biggest fear? if we’re talking run of the mill fears, it’s sn*kes. I have about every version of it filtered on here because even still images of them give me panic attacks.

—are you a gossip? unfortunately I am nosy, so I love to know things, but I absolutely do not spread it.

—do you like long or short hair? the last time I cut my hair, it was a little above my shoulders, but I’m notorious for going a year or more between hair cuts, so I don’t really have a strong preference.

—favourite school subject? math, but specifically calculus.

—extrovert or introvert? very much an introvert, so it makes total sense that I chose a career that requires me to talk to a ton of strangers every day.

—what makes you nervous? most things, but I also have really bad car anxiety because I was in a roll over car accident.

—who was your first real crush? looking back now, it was my best friend from elementary through high school. she meant a whole lot to me, but I didn’t really understand it until we grew apart

—how many piercings do you have? technically, I have one in each ear, but I haven’t worn earrings since I was like 12. they just haven’t closed since my parents got them pierced when I was still a baby.

—how fast can you run? running is the absolute worst I refuse to run.

—what colour is your hair? dark dark brown, nearly black

—what colour are your eyes? brown

—what makes you angry? having to repeat myself multiple times after answering someone’s question. I can understand needing to hear something a few times, but at a certain point, it just makes me feel like people don’t care what I have to say.

—do you like your own name? I have the most common name for the year I was born, so no. I’ve been called “other Rachel” too many times.

—do you want a boy or a girl as a child? none for me please.

—what are your strengths? I’m extremely detailed oriented. once I decide to do something, I will do it thoroughly. I’m dependable, so if I agree to do something, I won’t back out of it. I also think I’m good at understanding other people’s actions or logic. I’m always trying to think of reasons why someone did what they did.

—what are your weaknesses? I have a bad habit of taking on more than my share of a project. I do it because I know I can handle the extra work and I want to make things easier for others, but I was once told that it comes off as me not trusting others (I’m getting better about this). I’m also not great at communicating my feelings and will keep everything bottled up as much as possible

—what’s the colour of your bedspread? gray

—colour(s) of your room? sage green walls, off white carpet, and like warm golden brown furniture. I also have an oversized green floral armchair

tag game! get to know me

I was tagged by @beca-mitchell. This was a fun one!

1. what is the color of your hairbrush? I won’t lie, it has an illustration of Anna from Frozen on it.

2. name a food you never eat. Seafood, I love it but no one else in my family does so I don’t have it much.

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? Too warm, unless I’m at work then it’s the opposite

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? Taking a shower.

5. what’s your favorite candy bar? Kit-kat bars

6. have you ever been to a professional sports game? Quite a few, a lot of Red Sox games, next on my list is a Celtics-Knicks game.

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? "Good night” - to my cat

8. what is your favorite ice cream? Cookies and cream or mint chocolate chip, depends on the day.

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? Water because I did not have enough today.

10. Do you like your wallet? It’s fine I guess, It’s lasted for years... maybe I should get a new one?

11. What was the last thing you ate? Ice cream!

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Nope, I did get shoes though.

13. what’s the last sporting event you watched? The Celtics Playoff series... ouch.

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Um... lots of salt and butter.

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? My sister... it was about my ice cream.

16. ever been camping? Yes, when I was little. I’d love to go again.

17. do you take vitamins? Yes! I work with small children.. gotta do what I can to stay healthy.

18. do you regularly attend a place of worship? Nope.

19. do you have a tan? I am pale. as. a. ghost.

20. do you prefer chinese or pizza? Chinese food 100%.

21. do you drink your soda through a straw? I don’t drink soda, and I don’t usually use straws unless it’s for iced coffee.

22. what color socks do you usually wear? White or black, sometimes some fun ones for work.

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? I don’t have a license but I am certain I would not. Cars terrify me.

24. what terrifies you? Cars. Clowns. Sleep walking/talking. Most people. And when little kids talk about ghosts.

25. look to your left, what do you see? The wall.

26. what chore do you hate most? Laundry :(

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? I’m not sure that anything specific comes to mind.

28. what’s your favorite soda? I pretty much stopped drinking soda in middle school but if I do have it, root beer or Dr. Pepper.

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Go in, we don’t really have drive throughs here.

30. what’s your favorite number? 1,423

31. who’s the last person you talked to? My cousin

32. favorite meat? Any kind of chicken

33. last song you listened to? Currently listening to Fool for Love by Lord Huron

34. last book you read? I’m currently re-reading The Turn of the Screw by Henry James because I hate myself

35. favorite day of the week? Saturday

36. can you say the alphabet backwards? Probably, it just might take me a while.

37. how do you like your coffee? It changes, right now it’s pumpkin cold brew with cream :)

38. favorite pair of shoes? I can’t pick, I love all of them equally - I am a sneaker hoarder.

39. time you normally get up? 5:00 AM

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunrise because I’m always awake to see it, it helps me start my day.

41. how many blankets on your bed? Just my weighted blanket

42. Describe your kitchen plates: They’re blue... I think.

43. describe your kitchen at the moment: As clean as it ever is for a week night.

44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? Downeast hard cider - it’s superior.

45. do you play cards? I have been groomed to play cards since I could talk. If you’ve ever met my family you get it. We don’t mess around when it comes to our game.

46. what color is your car? Don’t have one but I ride in my cousin’s a lot. It’s white.

47. Can you change a tire? lol no

48. your favorite state or province? Massachusetts, I know that sounds pretentious af but it’s home.

49. favorite job you’ve had? My nanny job - I miss it every single day.

Tagging: whoever wants to do this! 

2018 fic year in review

thank you so much for tagging me @homosociallyyours !! this was really fun (and also a bit hard haha) to do ^__^

1. number of stories (including drabbles) posted to ao3: 19 (6 100 word seasonal drabbles, and out of the rest 4 are under 1k and 2 are chaptered but one of those is still a WIP)

2. word count posted for the year: 142,383 which is def more than i’ve written in previous years but my initial goal for this year was 200k and then i lowered it to 150k and then decided i should focus less on word count and more on actually finishing the fics lmaooo

3. list of works posted this year in order of posting:

the tesco fic (although i didn’t make the tumblr post until recently)

three spring drabbles (100 words each)

begin again [timestamp] (my only snowbaz fic in 2018)

we’re swimming with the sharks until we drown

SPHERICAL

got me an appetite, now i can taste it

Take a Chance on Me

Getting Naked on Camera (NOT CLICKBAIT)

my favourite colour is you

louis tomlinson’s completely 100% foolproof guide to snagging the fit bloke next door (3 100 word drabbles)

no better place than right by your side

days gone by (WIP)

love the cronch

zero to sixty

where the love light gleams

4. fandoms i wrote for: mostly one direction and by that i mean i posted a timestamp for a carry on fic from 2017 and the rest was one direction lol

5. pairings: harry/louis, simon/baz (ONCE)

6. story with the most hits: Take a Chance on Me with 10975 hits :o

7. story with the most kudos: Take a Chance on Me with 426 kudos

8. story with the most comments: Take a Chance on Me with 52 comments threads

9. work i’m most proud of and why: well Take a Chance on Me was both my first time doing a big bang as well as the longest thing i’ve ever written (twice the length of the previous longest!) and i’m still completely in love with the art for it courtesy of @vulpixlou and i def don’t go back to stare at it ever nope 👀👀

10. work i’m least proud of and why: i mean i could nitpick the hell out of my stuff and i know there are certain bits i would write differently now but at the same time i created something with my brain that didn’t exist before and that’s just too cool not to be proud of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

11. a favorite excerpt of your writing:

this is from Take a Chance on Me (shocker) and i was having trouble thinking of my fave but then i was skimming through all of my fics and ngl i had forgotten about this bit but y’all i’ve been trying to work a Dramatic Airport Reunion into a fic FOR FUCKING EVER and i finally did it and i actually don’t hate it? (spoiler for the ending of Take a Chance on Me)

“See…” Louis starts. “See, there’s this guy. And, oh god, he’s an absolute twat. Wanna know what he did to me?” Harry nods faintly, and Louis, emboldened now, goes on. “So, I already knew who he was, right? I knew him, because he’d been in this god-awful boy band for years, and even if me bloody sisters hadn’t been so bloody in love with him, I’d still have known him, because he was just that famous.”

“I wasn’t that famous.”

“Don’t interrupt,” Louis chastises, and Harry mimics zipping his lips. “So this guy, I knew him, but he didn’t know me, but, fucking hell, I think someone forgot to tell him that, because there I was, minding my own business, when this kid just…” Louis giggles then, because the memory is just so ridiculous, “he just starts fucking singing to me, can you believe it?”

Harry shakes his head. “What a weirdo.”

“Right? The weirdest.”

“What happened next?”

“I fell in love with him.”

“What? That soon?”

“Of course not, Jesus, Harold. I’m not that pathetic. I waited the appropriate amount of time to fall in love, thank you very much.”

“Is that why you’re here, then?” Harry whispers. “Is it because you love him?”

“That’s part of it, yeah. I love him, and I love the way we just fit, and I adore his daughter, and our pets are friends now, and I think our sisters are best friends now, so they didn’t actually give me a choice, but do you want to know the biggest, most important reason?”

Harry nods quickly, so hard his chin bumps his chest, and Louis’ so fucking in love with him at that moment that these are the easiest words he’s ever said.

“I’m here,” he tells Harry, “because I was lying in my own bed, in my own house, surrounded by all my things, and all I wanted to do was go home.”

He’s yanked forward then, Harry’s fingers digging into his shoulders, and he barely feels the pain because it’s Harry, and everything’s good when it’s Harry. He’s babbling into Louis’ neck, and the only words he can make out are his name and “love you” and he shivers with the feeling.

Harry’s hair has grown out enough since the night Louis snuck in to see him that he can tangle his fingers in the strands. So he does, pulling Harry’s face away from his neck and pressing their lips together. Every kiss feels like an apology. Every kiss feels like home.

12. share or describe a favorite review you recieved: so this miiiiight be cheating but i received two comments on a fic i wrote in 2015 and it was kind of a surprise that something that old still held up and people still enjoy it? def made me feel better about my current writing and also anyone who quotes my fics back to me has earned my undying love and affection

13. a time when writing was really, really hard: i have adhd so p much always ahahaha

14. a scene or character you wrote that most surprised you: the entirety of “we’re swimming with the sharks until we drown” ngl because i struggled with the like… morally gray criminal-y elements? and portraying the two of them in such a different way while still staying in character which i like to think i nailed? hopefully lol

15. how did you grow as a writer this year? i don’t feel like a i have? but i’m also bias and hypercritical so maybe i did and just didn’t realize ahaha

16. how do you hope to grow next (this?) year: i want to enjoy writing again and i want to finish more fics and not let them rot in my docs because of self-doubt

who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer: okay so first @amandaisnotwriting is the real MVP as she bears the brunt of my whining/complaining/drama queen moments as well as the fact that she listens (some would argue is forced to :p) and reads over fic for a pairing she doesn’t ship for a fandom she doesn’t care about 😂😂😂

@rainbowbaz always makes time to look over my fics even when she’s crazy busy and is honestly amazing and saves my fics from americanisms ahahaha

and FINALLY we met p late in the year but but @livingatthelairport ‘s comment on “the tesco fic” helped me out of a writing slump and now she’s become my cheerleader (and friend 💜) and that’s make a huge difference in my attitude towards writing! it’s also easier to write a fic for a specific person than worry about the opinion of a crowd which is def something i’ve been missing in this fandom rip

also to everyone else who has read my fics, listened to me rant about them or just helped the process along in any way at all this is a GIANT thank you!!

18. anything from your real life show up in your writing this year? i mean i can’t think of anything off the top of my head but a lot of my inspo comes from the world around me so probably lol

19. any wisdom you can share with other writers: there’s nothing wrong with feeling jealous of other writers because i’m not a fan of hiding feelings just because they’re ugly as long as you don’t let it fester and turn into resentment or make you bitter. there are a lot of factors that go into a fic becoming “big” in a fandom but honestly most of it is just random chance so don’t beat yourself up because someone else’s success is not your failure and it’s nice to get recognition for your hard work but if you’re writing solely for the feedback then you’re writing for the wrong reason and that will lead to the resentment and bitterness mentioned earlier

also if you compliment someone you say you like their outfit but if you complement someone then you complete them

20. any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I’M GLAD YOU ASKED

these are all the things i didn’t start and/or finish in 2018 that WILL be completed this year

the cat fic

the doctor fic

the final three chapters of days gone by

penpal AU

Space. Florist.

teenage fanboys who are also best friends

baking blog fic

a short follow up to tacom

twitter drama fic

80’s/’high school’/secret admirer!AU

something based on yawning grave by lord huron

part three of the alien harry series

chocolate orange holiday fic

LA fic (wtwm)

70’s fic

monkey fic

i’m also planning to do the @larryabroad challenge again because i had so much fun with it last time :D

21. tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read:

p sure everyone has done this but if you haven’t then do it now! and also tagging @cosyblack k bc you’ve had a really good year even if i have beta bias 😂

this took waaay longer than i thought it would omg but it was nice to take a look back!!

1-102. You should have known I was gonna do this.

This friendship was a mistake.

1) what’s a song you depict with your childhood? any HSM song brings me back to my childhood & also oldies that my parents used to play in the house like stand by me by Ben E. King, unchained melody by the Righteous Brother,….

2) did you have a memorable childhood pet? I think every one of my pets is memorable. one that specificly comes to mind would have to be our Tervuren. We took him in because his owner didn’t take care of him and was planning on ditching him in the middle of the woods. the poor thing got treated like some kind of monster when he only asked for the bare minimum, to get treated with respect and basic kindness. I still remember how easily he trusted us. We were a family of 5 so to have 5 strangers around you all of a sudden and not get defensive and lash out especially after getting treated so badly by humans is one thing but to completely immediately trust us wow. He was such a gentle and sweet dog and it hurts my heart when I think about how he died. He had cancer. Fucking dogs man i know i say this about all dogs but he really was an angel. What a pure soul.

3) have you ever been drunk? yes

4) have you ever tried drugs? i’ve only eaten space cake and that’s it. but i don’t really have any desire to ever try hard drugs.

5) have you ever completely regretted what you’ve said? 99% of the time I regret what I say because I am dumb and say some real embarrassing shit

6) have you ever made someone cry? I hope not, unless they were happy tears!

7) has someone ever made you cry? most likely yeah i’m just very sensitive and take a lot of things to heart.

8) have you ever been in love? if so, describe the moment you knew it. i've never been in love9) which came first the chicken or the egg? The real question is where does a circle begin and where does it end?

10, 11) already answered

12.) have you ever been in love with someone you couldn’t love? read the answer to question 8

13) are you a good cook? i mean i’m not the worst but there’s always room for (a lot of) improvement.

14) already answered

15) what is the last movie you cried during? i can’t remember but hatchiko is a movie that can always make me cry.

16) what are songs you’ve cried to when you first heard them? (if any)

It’s such a long list so i’m going to narrow it down to a few: Skillet - Would It matter, DNA - Lia Maria Johnson, you don’t know - Katelyn Tarver, Adam’s song - Blink 182 , 24 floors - The Maine, Sleepless nights - Faber Drive, Just a little bit of your heart - Ariana Grande & I can’t make you love me/ nick of time - Bon Iver. That’s some real sad shit.

17) do you have a middle name? Nope18) have you been out of your country? yes, I’ve been to Italy, England, Turkey, The Netherlands and Germany & this summer i’m going to Spain.19) are you a chocolate fan or not? I am a huge slut for chocolate always20) how many people have you kissed? only one because I have no game21) already answered22) what is your dream car? don’t have a specific one in mind but a range rover looks nice. as long as my car is big enough to take all my dogs with me to the beach, i’m satisfied.23) what is your lucky/favorite number? don’t have one24) what is your favorite flower? i like water lilies a lot25) books or movies, why? Both. Depends. you can get lost in books and imagine the characters/scenery more and the words just stick with me more when i read them? But movies are also nice if a certain character gets played by a good actor and really brings it all to life.26) have you ever been on a blind date? I’d rather not get murdered on my first date. so to answer this question no.27) has one of your friends ever backstabbed you? yeah in my teenager years 28) have you ever backstabbed one of your friends? don’t really see the point in hurting a friend? If a friend betrays my trust i’ll cut them out of my life immediately and never speak a word to them again nor will i waste any more energy on them or be willing to listen to whatever bullshit excuse they want to try. I’m very loyal and loving but if someone takes advantage of that and betrays my trust then I have no problem with cutting them out of my life and continuining as if we were strangers all along. i can take a lot but i don’t fuck with fake people.29) what thing do you symbolize love with? many things really but that’s because i think love comes in many forms. friendship, hobbies, pets, lovers, family,…i think love is all around us really. a tiger playing with her cub, puppies play fighting a lil too rough with an older dog but the older dog allowing them because they still need to learn their boundaries, strangers pulling funny faces at babies or playing along with a game a kid made up, someone giving up their seat and so on. I think all of these acts symbolize love. Once you stop seeing love as this strictly romantic thing i think it’s easy to find it everywhere you look. no matter how small the gesture.30) do you have neat handwriting? It’s not too bad i think. 31) do you have a friend with benefits? nope32) do you want a friend with benefits? I don’t really think i’m cut out for that type of thing. I mean whenever someone holds the door for me i think about it for like days after so I really am not sure if I could trust myself with seeing it as only a friendship with benefits and nothing more.33.) if you could be anything in the world, what would you be? a siren, a wolf, a forest nymph, harry styles’ next gf haha34) have you ever been blackout drunk? yeah35) have you ever met someone famous? no :(36) how many concerts have you been to? uhh i think 13-ish37) which concerts have you been to? first ones were Justin Bieber (don’t judge), 1d, 5sos, ed sheeran, the script, dua lipa, harry styles, lord huron38) do you have a hidden talent? i can go trough 10 different emotions in the span time of an hour39) what do you do when you’re stressed? shut down, cry, get angry or all of the above.40) do you think money can buy love? money can buy things you love and that make you happy so i guess in that sense you can buy ‘happiness’ & ‘love’, but if we’re talking about real, true, genuine feelings then no that kinda love can’t be bought41) how old would you date? the oldest like 24 but for a sugar daddy i am always willing to make an exception42) have you ever done something illegal?  jaywalking is illegal but most of us have done it at some point so like nothing too illegal43) what is your biggest fear? for my loved ones? that they wil never get all the goodness in life that they truly deserve and that life will treat them like shit and inflict pain upon them that i’ll never be able to undo. for myself? i’m scared i’ll never truly feel like I belong and will never truly feel happy and that once I’m close to dying i’ll be faced with the fact I’ve wasted all my time.44) what is an unusual fear you have? having a doppelganger that’s a real piece of shit and people thinking it's me that has done all that nasty shit to them and me eventually being sentenced for it while the real demon is still out there...yea idk 

45) can you drive? no haha i really need to get my license46) do you believe in supernatural creatures? yes but i’m not sure to what extend but I do believe there are certain things living on this earth unbeknownst to us. 47) do you believe in karma? i think what goes around comes around. or so i truly hope.48) what is one quality you need in your partner? above all my partner needs to be kind. no matter what.49) do looks matter? i’m not going to be a hypocrite and say no because there does need to be a certain level of attraction but it’s not like looks are the most important thing about someone.50) does size matter? which size are we talking about here. but no idc if you truly love someone, you take them as they are. not a single cell in your body would even think about changing anything about them because they already are perfect just the way the are.51) who is the last person you forgave? myself for being so dumb52) what is your favorite ice cream flavor? strawberry and chocolate53) already answered 54) ever been on a plane? obviously55) ever been on a boat? yes56) is there anyone you’ve lost touch with that you wish you hadn’t? yea a highschool friend that i haven’t heard in years.57) are there any friendships you regret? yes, this one58) are there any friendships you wish you could make? yes @harrystyles if you ever wanna hang out hit me up. i am free almost always so we can hang out whenever you are free too. thanks my dude.59) have you ever stayed awake for 24 (+) hours? no60) have you ever walked outside after 12 am? yes61) have you ever seen a sunrise completely through? no but one day I will!62) are you scared of rollercoasters? yeah and i wish i wasn’t. but i always imagine some final destination type of shit when i’m on it so i tend to avoid rollercoasters and such. I’m a paranoid bitch.63) on a scale of 1-10 how stressed are you usually? 664) do you have any plans this weekend? yes 65) do you miss anyone right now? not really66) who do you wish you were talking to right now? the ghost of Christopher McCandless. I’d like to hear his stories and thoughts. he seemed like a very interesting individual.67) already anwered68) who is your favorite superhero? catwoman? idk i don’t really have a fave superhero69) are you dirty minded? me? an angel? of course not.70) what is your favorite song from every decade starting at the 80’s? this question should be illegal. how am i supposed to choose one? there are so many bops.71) how many kids, if any, do you want? at the moment i don’t want kids but if that ever changes 2 would be enough.72) who is your biggest OTP? don’t have one73) what is your favorite food? lasagna & pizza. other than that cake/chocolate/anything cookie or candy related. I have a sweet tooth okay 74) do you want to be married one day? idk I don’t really feel the need to get married but if someone is willing to marry my annoying ass then I’m grabbing that chance with both hands.

75) dogs or cats? both but unfortunately i’ve only owned dogs till now so i’m hoping that will change soon!                                                                   76) already answered77) have you ever seen a shooting star? nope78) if you had the opportunity to go to the moon, would you? No, unless the aliens are there too. then sign me the fuck up79) how many best friends do you have? 380) when was the last time you cried? 2 weeks ago81) have you ever laughed so hard you peed yourself? mind ur own bussiness82) have you ever made anyone laugh so hard they peed? yeah83) if you could travel any where in the world, where would you go? countryside of Ireland, Sweden or Northern Wilderness84) what are 3 words you would use to describe yourself? gentle, dreamer, stupid 85) do you consider yourself a loyal person? yes, very loyal until you give me a reason not to. but even then i won’t badmouth you i’ll just erase your whole existence from my memory.86) what is your favorite season and why? summer bc i need that vitamin D to beat the sad bitch in me. but also autumn because SWEATER WEATHER87) have you ever told anyone you loved them, and didn’t mean it? no, i don't easily say i love you to someone 88) do you know how to play any instruments? no :(89) already answered90) what are you allergic to? pineapple. i might have other allergies i’m unaware off.91) already answered92) if you could be any character from your favorite tv show would you, and if so, who would you be? I’d wanna be Daenerys Targaryen because I want to have dragon friends who will fly me anywhere I wanna go. also talk about an entrance when you arrive with your fucking dragon somewhere.93) if you could be best friends with any celebrity who would it be and why? harry styles, niall horan, BØRNS or Maggie rogers because they seem like fun people to be around that will just brighten your day by being in their company.94) are you outgoing? nope, unless you catch me in those rare energetic moods or if i’m drunk then I do shit even I don’t want to know about.95) have you ever wanted to kiss someone, but weren’t brave enough to? no96) are you a good flirt? probably not because i always say some weird shit and kill the mood haha97) have you ever been turned down, or have you ever turned anyone down? nope98) already answered99) are you superstitious? not really100) are you a good listener? i like to think so101) are you a good kisser? who knows102) would you kiss any of your friends? depends how much money is involved

Me Me Meme

Tagged by @missbeckywrites​.  Thank you <3

Rules: tag nine users you want to get to know better

How old are you?: Late twenties

Current job: Actor.  I work as a tutor as well, so if anyone ever needs Shakespeare help I got you.     

Dream job: Writer, I guess, but a hermitish one who never has to leave the house- or oooh being able to go to space with my entirely un-science-oriented skillset.  That’s the dream.    

What are you talented at?: Writing, memorization.

What is a big goal you are working towards, or have already achieved?: I have a couple of novel drafts that I’d like to edit and get published, but it’s not going well.  You know how books on writing always tell you to just plow through it and fix everything later?  I did that, but the fixing is... just not happening.  Whenever I so much as think about it, my brain just nopes out of there.  I’m working on getting some short stories published for now.    

What is your aesthetic?: Space, quills and calligraphy, ladies in suits.  

Do you collect anything?: No.  Unless never getting rid of anything counts as collecting. 

What is a topic you’re always up to talk about?: Fandom stuff, Shakespeare

What’s a pet peeve of yours?: People having the TV on when they aren’t watching anything specific- like just having it on as background noise, or channel surfing, or going to a station for like a minute right before putting a movie on.  For some reason it just... really grates on me.

Good advice to give?: Try to focus on the things you like and ignore the things you don’t, especially in fandom.  

Recommend three songs?: The Ghost on the Shore by Lord Huron, November by Gabrielle Aplin, Holes by Passenger.  These are just songs I heard on Pandora today that I really like though.  I’m bad at recommending music. 

Tagging: @deadsdemona, @embersofimagination, @hisreindeerjumper, @mang-o, @smarterandbolder, @the-little-random-me, @harryhartless, @froomage, @halt48

On a scale from 1 to kindergartner, how much of an imagination do you have? I listened to a somewhat scary podcast a lot during the school year last year and began to think paranormal things were happening to me. LAST YEAR. Your girl has a wild imagination.  Do you have a camera that takes film? Do you use it? I used to but I don’t really use them anymore. Film is expensive and difficult to get processed and I also suck at manually operating a camera.  How many places did you apply to, before someone ever called you back for a job? I have been employed at the same place for so long, I kind of forget what it is like to search for a job. I suppose when doing practicum/internship interviews over the past few years I have been offered a job after one interview both times. Lucky me. 

What is something you’ve always wanted to learn how to do? What’s stopping you? Speak another language! What is stopping me is that it is very difficult to learn and I picked a language that I have nearly zero exposure to here in Canada. But I am trying.  

Out of all of the shows, movies, and books you love, who is your OTP (one true pairing)? Hmmm Ron and Hermione.  Is there a show that every time you watch it, it always seems like the SAME rerun is on? Which show and which episode is it that haunts you? No but my Mom and I have a joke that whenever I am at her place, the Joe Kenda Homicide Hunter show comes on. I swear to god, it’s on 24/7 repeat sessions.  What are some modern (past 5 years) bands that you think will be in the Rock&Roll Hall of Fame in the next 25 years? Oh god... lmao. I am so not good at rock music.  Do those jokes about women belonging in the kitchen offend you? I think at this point it’s so... tired and sad that it honestly reflects more poorly n the person making the joke.  Which one of your bf/crush/etc’s exes do you hate the most? Why? This is a hilarious question and I am almost sad I don’t have an answer for it.  Have you ever written a FanFiction? Did people actually like it? I am fucking loling I could easily delete this question but I wonder if anyone ACTUALLY reads these so I’m going to admit that sometime in the last 7 years, I wrote a very popular piece of fan fiction and had like multiple chapter releases and everything. I won’t say what for.  Would you rather watch a movie about a dorky michael cera type, a prettyboy zac efron type, or the rough around the edges channing tatum type? Michael Cera is my number one celebrity crush.  Do you like slow, sleepy, acoustic indie music or does it bore you? That’s my fucking favourite.  Do you have your future career all planned out or are you a bit confused about what you want to do with your life? I am getting closer and closer.     Do you seem to attract a certain demographic of the opposite sex? What are they? Actually, no. But one thing in common is that people fall quickly and I don’t always return the feeling and it has led to many an awkward and sad conversation.  When you were in high school did you find the band and drama kids to be incredibly annoying?   Drama kids yes, holy shit. I honestly barely interacted with anyone in the band.  What is something superficial or nitpicky that a guy could do that would make him “undateable” to you? Smoke cigarettes.  Have you ever liked playing dollmakers or online dress-up games? Nah, I was more about Habbo Hotel.  What is the biggest difference in age you’ve ever had while dating someone? Errr it depends on what you consider dating but six years older.  At your school, did all the band kids join track? No lmfao I wish then we maybe would have actually had a coach and been able to train at Centennial.  Do you save the confetti you get from concerts? No! That’s such a cute idea! 

Would you tolerate hanging around with someone you didn’t like, if your friends liked them? Uhhhhhhhhh I guess so but I am really bad at pretending to like somebody if I don’t. 

Where’s your favourite place to hang out with friends? Someone’s place. Fuck the bar, it’s too expensive. 

Do you remember the first conversation you had with the person you like? Yessssish. I remember the night but I don’t remember the specific conversation. 

Do you make an effort to talk to all of your Facebook friends, or are there certain people that you talk to the most? Are you serious lmfao... all my Facebook friends... that is laughable 

When was the last time you had butterflies in your stomach? This morning. 

How is the last person that texted you? Getting drunk in Banff right now so I assume she’s doing fairly well. 

How many of your friends are in relationships? GOD it seems like EVERYONE. 

Who was the last person you talked to whose name started with the letter L? Uhh Lejaimen at work, 

Have you ever liked someone younger than you? Yes. 

Are you a secretive person? I want to say yes and I know anyone that reads this tumblr will be like, “lmao yeah right I know more about your life from this very public social media outlet than I know about most people I actually care about” but there is so much I leave out lmao CONSIDER THAT, PEOPLE. 

How many friends do you have on Facebook? I have no idea 

How many people follow you on Twitter? 300-some. Likely largely comprised of robots. 

What does the last email you received concern? Event confirmation for the training I attended today. 

How many people have you kissed in the last twelve months? Literally probably like 50....... sorry. 

Do you think it’s okay to like someone else if you’re in a relationship? It’s so difficult because I know myself and I am exceedingly jealous and I really feel like it’s not okay even though it happened to me in a very real way many years ago. It’s like a weird double standard. I think there are definitely mature ways to handle being attracted to other people while in a relationship and it takes a little bit of growing up / life experience to get there. 

How long have you liked the person you currently like? On and off since the fall of last year. 

Has a close friend ever hurt you? Yep. 

What’s the biggest age difference between you and someone you’ve liked or have dated? Six years. 

Have you ever developed feelings for someone you were friends with? Yes! Duh! 

What is it about yourself that you dislike the most? Probably the crippling anxiety that will literally just randomly rear it’s head and always manifests in a new way lmao I can never get on top of it. 

How would your friends describe you? They would probably say I am suuuuper weird. Impatient as fuck. Messy. Likes to party and that I work too much. 

How long are you prepared to wait to be with someone you want before you give up on them? You can’t really put an exact time on that. It all depends on the situation. If I really loved somebody I would wait but I wouldn’t hold back on new opportunities.  

Describe, in no less than three sentences, your current relationship status or situation. I have no idea if I am falling ridiculously hard for this person or if I am just lonely. I have been extremely confused and been sending the most mixed of signals out into the world. At the end of the day though I am very happy. 

What would you say is the stupidest thing you’ve EVER done? Get chlamydia from my ex-boyfriend lmfao 

What does your family think of the person you like? They don’t know about any of that. 

What are your plans for tomorrow evening? IT’S MY FIRST NIGHT CLOSING AS A MANAGER

Last person you talked on the computer with? Technically Maeghan. 

Do you think you will have the same best friend a year from now? I hope so but you never know. 

Was New Year’s enjoyable? Lmfao. No. 

Do you have siblings over the age of 21? Yes. 

Will this weekend be a good one? It already has been honestly. 

Will tomorrow be better than today? Today has been pretty damn good. 

What do you currently hear right now? The Yawning Grave by Lord Huron. OBSESSED. 

What was the last thing to go into your mouth? A sip of a Bud Light radler. 

What happened at 3:00pm today? I was leaving my place to drive down to Somerset. 

Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Uhhh we aren’t like CLOSE in the traditional way but I love her very much and when times get tough she always has my back. 

Are you a mean person? Honestly yes. 

Are you named after one of your parents or grandparents? Nope. 

Does anyone hate you? Oh yeah baby I got haters  

Do you think relationships are even worth it? Yes yes yes a million times yes. 

Relationships or one night stands? Literally keep asking myself this question in this current period of my life. 

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? Nah.

Do you miss anyone? I miss my brother. 

What is stressing you out most right now? Doing a good job in my new role at work. 

Are you waiting for a phone call? Nope. 

Have you ever been with someone while they were throwing up? See: Drinking with Ali in 2012. 

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your own bed? This couch I’m currently on. 

Could you handle being married to the last person you texted? LOLOL me and Harper would fucking kill each other 

Can you honestly say you’re okay right now? Yes :) 

Next time you will kiss someone? Soon. 

Have you told anybody you loved them today? Yes. 

When’s the last time you had grilled cheese? I ate it with my Dad one afternoon when I still lived at their place. With tomato soup. It was a DANK grilled cheese too, I put some fancy cheese on there with some prosciutto. 

Have you ever tripped someone? Not on purpose.

Do you have any scars? I have a looooot so many. Some I didn’t even notice but they were actually pointed out to me last night. 

Did you sleep alone last night? No. 

Yes. 

How old will you be in five months? 24. 

Something you do a lot? Drink coffeeeeeee. 

Do you like the rain? I love it.

Do you like sushi? HELL yeah. 

Have you ever had stitches? Nope but definitely needed ‘em for my knee. 

When was the last time you were tempted to do something you’d later regret? Every time I drink.

Are you in a relationship? If so, how long have you been? No.

Have you ever wanted to just run away and start over? Yes and that’s a telltale sign that things are going poorly because I do love my life and my friends here in Calgary very much. 

Does your mom like to burn candles? Oh yeah Sandy is all about the candles. 

How many hats does your dad own? LMAO what a strange question. 

Have you ever had your friends sleep over at your house? Uhh HELL YEAH I love having people stay over I fucking hate sleeping alone. 

Are you happier now than you were three months ago? What was three months ago - May? I was in Thailand three months ago. In Krabi. Not a care in the world. I am probably about the same level of happiness. 

Has any one said they love you in the last week? Yes. 

Have you ever liked someone who treated you like crap? We treated one another pretty shittily in different ways lmfao 

In the past week have you cried? Yes.

Do you get drunk every weekend? LOL like honestly yes 

Have you ever had a sleepover with a member of the opposite sex? Yes yes yes. 

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in the face? Monday at work.

Is there someone you want out of your life for good? They’re already gone. 

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them? Nope but I think being able to trust someone fully also takes a lot of work on part of yourself. 

Do you have freckles? NO I WANT THEM 

Ever kissed a Robert, Tyler, Ryan, Andrew or Michael? Uhhhh I actually do not believe I have kissed anyone with these names but there are certainly people out there I’ve kissed whose names I do not know. 

Have you ever asked a boy for advice? Yes.

What are you thinking of right now? That I need to wrap this up and change and do my makeup to go out. 

Have you ever slept in the same bed as the same sex? Yeah.

How many months until your birthday? Eight! 

Have you been outside longer than 30 mins today? Nope, it’s been raining. 

Are you looking for a boyfriend? Good question. 

Why do you feel the way you feel? That’s how my brain works.

How has the week been? It’s barely the start of Wednesday, but so far it’s just been hot and miserable and also California is literally on fire, so the air has been really smokey and bad all over. Thursday I have a stressful doctor appointment that I’m not looking forward to.

Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can’t? I kind of sort of mentioned things last night. 

Do you sleep with the TV on? Not usually but I can. 

Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? I know I’m in deep when I start to think about them when they are not around and I get that like deep sudden clenching feeling right in the middle of your chest. 

Have you ever been cheated on? I have no idea tbh. It probably depends what you’d consider cheating. 

Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I’ve been told yes but like whatever lmfao 

Has someone broken your heart? Yep. 

So, what if you married the last person you kissed? LOL.................. 

What was the last reason you wanted to cry? Work. 

Do you have a best friend to lean on? Yes <3 

11/27/17

11/27/17

Any way I guess I am supposed to talk about my feelings or some shit. No. Here are some things that you should know about me before you form any sort of image. Stupid shit mostly. First of all, if it wasn’t already completely obvious, I do not in any way want to do this writing thing. However, I am forcing myself to do it, so that something knows and feels the way I do. I don’t really know if I am supposed to aim this like I’m talking to myself or someone else. Purely for the sake of conversation and comfortability, I guess I will form this like I am talking to someone else. So anyway, I like poetry and stuff. I enjoy listening to the emotion that these talented people use in their voices when they are reciting their own written works of emotion. God that sounded gay. I guess im kind of emotional. When I feel emotion that is. A lot of the time I feel really numb, but then other days I feel a fleeting happiness. Mostly everytime I hang out with my friends CS, TF, and HK, I feel happiness but even then in the back of my mind Im still sinking. Also, way too early to tell, but I may be falling in love again for this girl named CH. Will update with more about that later. Anyway, back to the main course. Its not fair and fucking stupid. This shit doesn’t make sense at all. My life is fantastic and I have all the potential in the world. But this fucking guy. Hes always around and never leaves and usually he just pops up for a quick visit like a distant relative. But this time, he wants to move in. He wants to set up shop and has already started moving his luggage in, but I don’t want him or his shitty existence. He has already started cutting down my posters and wallpaper and I try to tape them back up using my star wars band aids. He talks to me all the time. When im alone it’s the loudest whisper in the world. When im with friends he screams at me, but I can usually drown him out using conversation and alcohol. Maybe I should start working out again. Ive heard that’s a great distraction. Anyway this fucking guy always wants my attention and he never ever wants to leave me alone. I hate him and I hate myself even more for allowing this pitiful excuse for a being into my life. I absolutely loath it. My cousin will and my brother C tried to have an intervention to get me to get that fucker to move out with the help of a “professional”. Fuck off. I still have trouble sleeping at night. He stays up with me though. I guess that is some form of company. Music is also as effective as a drug. I guess the only good thing about having this fucker around is that we like the same music. Right now, I’m listening to more calm, quiet music that I can relate to. So yeah sad music. As opposed to the loud guitarish sad music I normally frequent. I tried to introduce this guy to my friends CS, TF, and HK. I was absolutely waisted at the time, but I guess I still felt the need to introduce my new roommate. I say new like he hasn’t been around since 8th grade. I don’t believe they liked him very much. They told me he made them uncomfortable. So I thought that I couldn’t hang around them anymore because of how alike he and I are. So I had a quality evening alone with him and vodka. We tore down a couple more pieces of wallpaper but they made quite a mess and I ended up passing out. Anyway so that’s kind of where im at currently. He keeps telling me he wants us to go on a vacation together. I am really contemplating it tbh. He said I wouldn’t have any stress or worry or anything. He normally discusses this with me while he is eating my food early in the morning. He eats a lot and for some reason it makes me not want to eat at all. Plus if I don’t eat over my “calorie count” I can lose weight. HK told me that, he used to be a personal trainer or some shit. So I feel like right about now I need to give my roommate a name just for the sake of abandoning pronouns. We can call him D. Is not short for anything its just a letter. D is a fucking asshole. That being said, sadly now I feel like I cant live without him, or with him for that matter. I do not apologize for feeling this way about him or saying any of the shit I do. I do apologize for letting people in my life get attached to me. That is gonna be difficult when I go on vacation. Im sure I can find some excuse to use. I guess I should also mention im fresh off of a breakup with a girl I loved for nearly 3 years. That’s a story for another day. I don’t know how D will handle it when I tell him that I plan on going on a spring vacation with CH, HK, CS, N, and TF. All really good friends, but I don’t think they would get along with D. Maybe I can introduce them some time, Nope fuck that not doing that. Terrible idea. School. We are going to talk about school now. I used to be successful at school but now I feel as if im a failure. I cant focus or concentrate on nearly anything school related even though I know I need to. Im a junior in college at the University of Tennessee. Im an accounting major, and yes I know that’s a cringe. Most people find it boring but to be honest it really interests me. School is another hang out spot with D. He rides with myself and my brother C. Im the oldest sibling out of 3 total. Myself, C, and H. I have decided not to get too personal with the names in case anyone doesn’t want theirs out so initials and first letters only. School. So I guess talking about school leads me into talking about the future. I once had my future completely laid out and planned to the year. Now not so much. I thought I wanted a family at one point in time but I wouldn’t want to put them through the stressfilled burden of dealing with D and i. New topic. Last night a girl told me that I had a “very pretty soul”. I was so caught off guard by this. I disagreed with her but would not tell her why. Im scared if I mention d she wont want anything to do with me. D and I were having a rather loud conversation filled with tears and blood last night around 4 am. I won this round. I called my friend who intimately knows about D and who he is. She didn’t exactly help me out like she used to. She more preached “God” to me more than anything. I am not a religious person for many reasons we will come back to. Any way im going to go try to feel something for a bit. I will return or I will not we will see. –JNM

 Im back for now. My mind is empty and I feel like a useless piece of meat. –JNM

 Alright so I have decided to upload all of these entries onto a blog thing and that made me feel good so im adding it the the list of rules. I have to upload everything I write on here by the end of the day. So back to business. I am now chilling in the student union waiting for cooper to get out of class and my mind is completely empty. Im listening to some music CH recommended to me. Its by this guy named Lord Huron and he is pretty fricking good. Im normally not into this type of slow and happy music, but I guess a change is pretty nice. We are supposed to hang out tonight so im pretty excited about that. Honestly im kind of nervous because I want this to go a certain way but I don’t believe that’s what she wants. She just got out of a relationship too. We have talked about it and both agreed that neither of us want a relationship right now. I lied. We have so much in common and its absolutely fantastic. We agree on a lot of deep issues like aliens and coffee. She is one of the people who I text back immediately. I guess that could get kind of annoying to her. We haven’t really discussed anything deeply personal yet. I doubt we will for a while. Part of me really wants to take it slow with her and do it right, but that isn’t what she wants to do. We have plans to go eat pizza, play at an arcade, and then head back to my place to watch a movie. –JNM

 Alright I am home now. School went well despite the fact that it was boring as hell. CH is coming over and will be here very soon. I cleaned my room and this day has taken a turn for the best. Im happy now so hopefully that can be kept up. I also put up more posters in my room. Today will end up being a great day. So yeah. Nothing else is really on my mind at the moment. I listened to a lot of good music today. I put together a playlist on Spotify specifically off of songs that CH would like. This initials only thing is getting annoying as hell. Ah well its not that big of a deal. Well I will come back and update with anything that happens. –JNM

  Well. What can I say. It was a fantastic night. We watched 2 movies and talked about everything we could think of. Then we made out. I am happy and today turned out to be a great day. Now im going to try to fall asleep before D comes around and tries to ruin it. Goodnight!-JNM

 End Day

Questions, I guess

Rules: answer the questions and tag some blogs you’d like to get to know better

The lovely @theuniversaltheory tagged me (please check them out!).

Nickname(s): idk

Height: 5 ft 3

Time right now: 8:22 PM

Last thing I Googled: “flamingo noises”

Favorite music artist: Panic! At The Disco, some Fall Out Boy, Lord Huron, Of Monsters And Men, and any chill instrumental stuff/movie soundtracks

Song stuck in my head: “Flight of the Bumblebee” (I hate it so much)

Last movie I watched: “Back to the Future”

Last TV show I watched: “Stranger Things” (a really long time ago-- I prefer movies over shows)

What I’m wearing right now: Sweatpants and a crusty old tee

When I created this blog: Sometime last March

The kind of stuff I post: I reblog funny/important things, but I also like to mix in some positivity here and there

Do I have any other blogs: nope

Do I get asks regularly: not really..

Why did I choose my url: I honestly have no idea

Hogwarts house: Slytherin (my mom still doesn’t believe me-- she thinks I’m a Hufflepuff/Ravenclaw -_-)

Pokemon team: (I don’t play Pokemon Go)

Favorite color: All the colors, my friend

Average hours of sleep: On a typical school night, I go to bed at a time that would give me 7 hours if I slept the whole way through. Unfortunately, I wake up multiple times during the night, so I honestly can’t say.

Lucky number: I’m not sure about lucky, but my favorite numbers are 3 and 7.

Favorite characters: Basically everyone from “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them”, the Doctor (specifically 10), Gandalf, Lupin, and TOTORO (there’s probably more I can’t think of)

Number of blankets I sleep with: 2 (sheets included)

Dream job: Criminologist

Following: 101 rip

I tag...

@kitcat-stickz​  @satans-sweet-titty-milk  @echo-comet  @fetus-twink-howell​

@queenofphanandbands​

*PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS COMPLETELY OPTIONAL*