#they could even bring up generation me
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nightbringer lesson 14 FUCKED ME UP in several ways but primarily I've spent the last 48 hours making myself sad over the solomon backstory we got. specifically I have, for no reason, latched onto that one chapter in the Kids event where baby solomon cried because he felt so guilty over being responsible for that spell. and that just feels a touch more depressing in context
#nightbringer spoilers#obey me on side#went back and unlocked the event again because i could not get this out of my brain i know it's probably not that deep#but it is that deep TO ME. okay#baby solomon has been on my brain since thirteen told that story so that's probably why it's sticking in my brain so hard but whatever#in case anyone was wondering the other things to make me sad are:#he has such a deeply excessive amount of lights in his room in purgatory hall there are SEVERAL chandeliers and lamps#there's a good handful in his room in cocytus hall too (his horror dg showed it) if a more normal amount#but that with the 'dim and gloomy' detail. ☹️#i've also always thought that solomon's loneliness wasn't all about the immortal angst but like.#having it confirmed that he's had reason to be lonely since he was a child- before he was old enough to know he was using magic-#totally crushed me girl why can't I be wrong#had emotions about lesson 14 in general but solomon backstory steals the show every time for me so i haven't gotten around to the rest#i'm enjoying the nightbringer story so much (not talking about the game design. that's a different thing entirely) but man#the pacing is WILD it feels like every lesson could be a whole lesson block at the least. it's giving me a lot of room to speculate#which I always love! but i do wish they would slow down a little and expand on some of these concepts they're bringing up#because the basic idea of the game alone is REALLY INTRIGUING and it'd be a shame if they raced back to the present imo#what was i even talking about. sorry my brain fast forwards as soon as i get into the tags there is not one sequitur to be seen#so curious about solomon's friend now too. like my guess is it's going to be lilith (and hopefully not in a popular fan theory kind of way)#because it's more than a little suspicious that they expanded on lilith's views on humans the way they did#in a way that SO PERFECTLY lines up with the expansion on solomon's views on humans#WHICH I HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT YET BY THE WAY BUT LIKE. HE IS SO RIGHT AND REAL FOR THAT#it's beyond stressful to me that I think solomon is completely justified in his views and being completely reasonable about it#but that it would also mean war between the worlds presumably while the brothers are still recovering from THEIRS#you cannot give me that choice man. not even sure that the human world would be ABLE to win that fight if we're being real#solomon's 72 pacts are a lot yes but he's still only one guy who is NOT on good terms with the sorcerer's society#and mc is powerful but so so inexperienced. and that's IF they choose to side with the human world which#really i don't think the canon mc is likely to do. but anyway i guess solomon's friend could also be adam maybe?#that could be wishful thinking because i like adam though. even if his hair SUUUCKS#deeply offended by everyone thinking solomon got the fucked up hair when all signs point to adam be NICE TO HIM he's ugly already
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Archive 81 tv show made Melody Pendras straight we cannot trust podcasts in the hands of mainstream media !!!!!!!
#archive 81#I have mixed feelings about it and as soon as they introduced Gal Pal Annabelle to replace Actual Girlfriend Alexa it should have been a#red flag#conceptually I really liked what they did to flesh out the first season#but they took it in a completely different direction by the end and at that point it’s not even the same thing anymore 🙄#like you can’t even pick up anything from the original’s season 2 because they reconstructed the narrative so much#idk man its not like they’re going to make any more of it anyways but I still felt the need to come on here and bitch#honestly main stream adaptations of podcasts scare me like I revel in exposure for things I like but ultimately so much gets lost in#translation#like archive 81 podcast is weird and nonsensical at times and Tape Recorder Man’s adventures in the Upside Down just don’t translate to a#general audience ? so they gotta bring in reasons for it to make sense like satanism and witches and demons#when that was sooooooo not the point of the original#like seeing how much they had to adjust to appeal to an outside audience makes me almost glad the wtnv tv show didn’t get green lit#can you imagine ???? how the fuck would they get five headed dragon Hiram McDaniel on my actual television ????#standing next to a Cecil Palmer with a canon appearance no less#like adaptations are cool and they CAN work sometimes but if you’re going to have to break and bend the world in order to make it to the#point where it’s a new thing entirely#ESPECIALLY since we live in a world where audio drama is not respected as a creative medium#at that point I’m just like leave it alone it’s fine on it’s own#anyways archive 81 is an interesting experiment into what live action podcast adaptations COULD look like but you can pry lesbian Melody#Pendras from my cold dead hands and that makes the adaptation automatically inferior imo#I guess she could be bi but when you remove Canon Girlfriend and instead make her kiss a man ? not likely#I am just talking to hear myself talk now goodbye#max rambles in the tags
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even tumblrs own twitter account is aiding the mission of scaring away the absolute normie FREAKS
there are multiple replies with similar sentiments to this one
#twitter migration#for the record i dont mind people from twitter coming over here in general#i myself was a pretty avid twitter for quote some time#until the space i occipied that was mostly free of what is considered classic twitter behaviour was equally corrupted#and pointless discourse and arguments became impossible to find#and i was forced to leave pretty much entirely because it got to a point where merely opening the app became mentally draining#i still have fond memories of my early time on there where everyone i came across was kind and there wasnt arguments everywhere you turned#so because of that i dont mind twitter users coming here in general#so long as they dont bring with them the awful twitter culture that made me and many others have to leave that platform for our well being#im not afraid of the influx of people fron there. im afraid of what they may bring with them#and i do think the being insufferable with a the destialgate and glup shitti and everything (when its not even insufferable at all imo)#i do think it helps weed out some of the people who could bring those negative things to this platform#any of them who come here anyways though if they try and start anything as if its twitter#i do hope that we all remember to treat them the same as corporations#no kpp or anything#just straight up no attention#they cannot be allowed to survive the ecosystem here and the best way to do that i think is to block them and move on#not a lick of attention#i totally fucked up an earlier tag really badly#pointless discourse and arguments became impossible to AVOID not find...#i truly domt know how i managed to fuck that so bad
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saw a video about 2 player ttrpgs and one of them was like "this one's about a pretend marriage" and i was like oh? and i looked it up on itch (eyes on the prize, fyi) and it's 50% as of right now and i was like OH? and i bought it immediately & ive read most of it and i am a big fan. and i KNOW that i have friends who would have fun playing it (it's a 2 player or 4 player game; the 4 player variant has 2 fake couples) but asking them is going to be so cringe. yeah we're gonna make up people and pretend to be them and then pretend to pretend to get married and the characters when they start their pretending they're gonna be like "oh we don't have any romantic feelings towards each other this is strictly plot" but then (get this) they will start to develop real feelings for each other. and we're gonna act it out together and pretend to be them but don't worry! we have no romantic feelings towards one another. this is strictly plot. when WE (irl) pretend to be in love it's actually platonic, unlike the people who we are pretending to be to each other. so do you have like 2-5 hours you wanna dedicate to that next week
and the worst part is that's 100% what i want. like i have roleplayed romance before with friends it is literally not a big deal because the whole point of roleplay is that the character ISN'T you. but with a fake relationship the crushing weight of dramatic irony hovers behind me
#i do want to play it though it seems fun. i actually think it would be more fun to do the 4 player variant#just bc like. to me fake dating is all about the audience. the way you act alone vs in public#it's about the drama. the show. having other people to bounce of off in rp i think benefits that#eh. im overthinking it i'll get over myself & bring it up. i at least wanna talk about it to people even if we don't intend to play it#i also kinda think you could use the game as more of a writing prompt than a roleplaying game if you wanted?#like. ideally you're still have 2 or 4 people who have a character they mainly control#and you'd like. co-write a story by hashing out responses to each card (which is the main game mechanic) & writing it down#but you would lose some of the imo more like... silly (affectionate) parts of the game?#because some of it is really about the improvisational aspect of both ttrpgs and the fake dating trope#but i still think it would be really fun. and i have done a lot of text-based roleplay before#so i am biased towards it just in general.#i also think you could probs play with 3 players with slight bending of the rules and in and out of game acceptance of polya relationships#esp because the setting is like. vaguely period piece fantasy nobility. you go to fancy parties and shit#i feel like those people had very complicated love lives i think a throuple would be fine#also We Are Playing Pretend#good idea generator#unrelated but did wtf when did they update the post editor the tags are so ugly LOL
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Apparently there's another scene where Eggman tries get to Tails by mentioning Sonic; to downplay the fox, to which Tails brings up their showdown from SA1.
(Haven't quite seen all the cutscenes; the in-game ones, but someone has uploaded all the Eggman cutscenes from the update. Included him talking to Tails and the others separately. If you're interested.)
Thank you so much! I probably will check them out eventually!
Ah yeah, the Station Square thing. How embarrassing it must be for Tails to not have done anything of note for the next 20 years. Poor kid. No wonder he feels useless/s
#I guess you could say it's Tails's low view of himself that makes him downplay his other achievements#and I guess I'll take it. because what other choice do I have. but#station square thing doesn't even fit with the 'things only I can do' theme#like you could have brought up him kicking Eggman's ass in sa2#because yeah maybe others could have done it too but could they have done it in a MECH?#but this is just an example#station square is obviously brought up because this is the only achievement tails earned in the eyes of the general fandom#I'm really not impressed with any of the tails overworld scenes I've seen so far#and I feel so bad criticizing them because I'm probably overreacting and I don't want to bring anyone down#but this is just how I feel#maybe I just haven't been eating well in the past couple of weeks and it makes me irritable idk#tails#sonic#sonic the hedgehog#project.txt#tails the fox#miles tails prower#sonic frontiers spoilers#sonic frontiers#project.ask
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"Rick is the better scientist!" "actually, Reagan is the better scientist because-!!" shut up shut up shut up we all know the best fictional scientist is ALPHYS from UNDERTALE
#jeremy hater moment#hate hate HATE looking up reagan on anything and seeing her compared to rick like leave my girl alone !!!#STOP BASHING HER!!!#istg anytime i see rick and reagan in the same post i'll think ''god help me''. this is making me hate r&m fans so bad#where was i. oh yeah#in comparison to both of these characters i personally think alphys comes out on top both in a better written and better story arc stance#like don't get me wrong!! i love reagan!! but alphys will always be first in my heart#alphys is an amazing example of the ''good person who's done bad things and has to live with themselves'' character archetype-#what with the amalgamates and locking them away and hiring mettaton to stage stuff for the human just so alphys could be apart of it all-#and her arc about forgiving herself and finally giving the families closure and bringing their relatives back home and confessing-#what she had done and just. overall- everything about her story and her time interacting with frisk and undyne and everyone-#it's amazing how toby fox created this- this AMAZING little dino gal and wrote her with so much love and. just. AH!!!#alphys is. an amazing character. and i wouldn't have had her story go any other way.#(also if any of the details here are inaccurate please be nice 😭 i haven't replayed undertale in fuck knows how long)#like i said i think she comes out on top for any fictional (mad?) scientist in any media tbh. she's so sillay ♡#(sorry to reagan. even if i love her character and overall just. her in general i'm giving alphys this one. she's the og 💥‼)#one last thing: outside of everything i've mentioned alphys is just SUCH a charming character overall !#alphys appreciation club 4eva *peace sign*#(also i think reagan and alphys should meet and become friends right... neow!!)#(should i tag rick and reagan??? i'll tag em for organizational purposes)#reagan ridley#rick sanchez#tw rick and morty#<- for blacklist#inside job netflix#im not tagging r&m LOL#alphys undertale#undertale#dr alphys#this is ok to reblog by the way
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WARNING FOR ANIMAL DEATH/MUTILATION IN THE TAGS
I think I’ve figured out why it’s the stuff with my cats that gets me the most viscerally upset when it comes to my roommate and I think I need to tell him why that is… we had a talk and he apologized for a lot of stuff but I just feel like I need to explain why I react so intensely to him hating my cats/wanting me to get rid of them
#like there’s the obvious things I’ve said before that ANY pet owner would feel the same about obvious#but like. okay I love cats. I’ve loved cats my WHOLE life#not just cats but animals in general#animals were baby’s first special interest#and I grew up on a farm and I had usually at least 8 pets at a time growing up#that I got money for by doing odd jobs and you know as a child you can spend all your money on your hobbies#and I love animals so I had pets#specifically I always had at least 3-4 cars#*cats#my mom’s first husband hated cats… fucking DESPISED them#and he talked about hating them/getting rid of them all the time#and. well. when I ever did anything to really piss him off#(which you know as a nine year old could be something as simple as breathing too loudly or some shit)#he would kill them#that man killed probably like 20 cats#cuz even after I was old enough to process ‘don’t get more cats bad things will happen to them’#my mom would bring home cats cuz she ALSO loved and wanted cats#even when I would beg her not to because I knew they were going to die#she never cared because in that moment she wanted cats#and obviously this was awful and damaging#and now that I live on my own with my two cats who are my BABIES that I love and cherish#my roommate talking about hating them and wanting them gone….#yeah it’s uh. um. hitting some really specific nerves#obviously I do not think he would EVER EVER do something like that#because you know. he’s not an insane control freak who hates me and animals#it’s still hitting those nerves#and yeah I think I need to tell him that for us to start coming to an understanding#like i get you don’t LOVE my cats you don’t have to#but you can’t talk that way about them… or I’m going to get VERY upset and defensive#kaz rambles
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second hater post of the day: I am glad that not everybody has experienced abuse at the hands of their parents, but sometimes these people say honestly really unbelievably stupid (insensitive or just plain baffling) things because they are so disconnected from the experiences of abuse survivors/victims
#I cannot give an example because this applies to several things we've seen in the past couple weeks#but my god. god i fucking wish i was you. i wish i had a brain that could come up with the shitty thing u just said so confidently#I dunno lmao this is very much just the hater in me but sometimes it feels like rubbing it in our faces or bragging the way they say things#not any one specific person. just. generally. a type of person with a certain set of experiences so far outside our own#I know I'm being unreasonable btw LMAO I simply wish I could avoid seeing people talk about how great their parents are#and how supportive they are and how much their parents love them and actively care for them even into their adult years#and what a good relationship they have w their parents#it makes me fucking pissed off and I KNOW that's unreasonable lol I know I'm being a fucking asshole abt this#Juno doesn't feel the same way btw lol they somehow feel happy to see other ppl have good relationships w their parents#I cannot bring myself to be happy for those people though lmfao I'm not wired that way#good for you but god I fucking wish I didn't have to see other people live the life we desperately wish for and will never have#fucking wish we didn't have to live with the reality of having parents who fucked our whole life and brain up from the time of our infancy#chase on the mic#abuse tw
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ac rogue is so perfectly everything i would want from a franchise like assassins creed and it SUCKS because to play it i need to swallow my pride and download the ubisoft launcher and its horrible
#ramblings#not only is it 'ok the cartoonishly evil villains are actually people too did you know that'#BUT ITS DELIBERATELY SET. IN THE ERA WITH MY AC BLORBO???#they said 'oh you wanted more haytham ok here you go' and slapped me in the face with the character dynamic that has haunted me#for approximately 5 - 6 years at this point#i was 14 when i first found ac & im turning 20 in 2 months and here i am playing rogue again because it speaks to me#(i missed haytham)#the combination of 'what was done to me as a kid was so fucked' and 'but i wouldnt change the position i have now even if i could'#ac3 changed my brain chemistry just i. general#like 3 & rogue#most of my blorbos become mainstays in my brain but few actually inhabit the part im generally aware of#like yeah if someone brings up. idk. ignis ffxv. i will gladly join in the conversation#but i dont generally think about him out of nowhere#THIS FUCKING GUY. KEEPS POPPING BACK UP EVERY TWO YEARS AT LEAST.#UNWARRANTED#i hate ubisoft i cant believe they made one of my top 3 favorite characters of all time its devastating
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I know I should just block (and not OPEN) tags and posts ab '24 but my brain is stupid and likes to be informed even if it makes me worse
#marquilla#im not even joking when i say this next election makes me wanna kms so bad. im fucking terrified and i feel like we already know what's#gonna happen. not bc people arent voting or organizing i mean bc of how far the right has gotten and how angry they are that a#dem won so theyre gonna show up in droves and it's like god i wish we could idk have some safegaurds in place??? like oh idk you#incite an insurrection you Can't run for president?? but also that wouldnt fully stop shit bc florida has its own neo nazi running and#theres more behind him in the wings. but like idk man i just get so fucking suicidal thinking ab the future#and my drs. are like well then dont look at the news??? 'i sure dont' mkay thats great (not) but um i CAN'T not watch bc i need to#be informed i need to know. and they're like well then stop worrying ab it til election day?? LIKE THAT HELPS#so i just dont bring it up. and i just spiral and have breakdowns in the shower and think ab making a will and shit yknow normal stuff#bc this is fine! just dont engage! stop worrying it's like a year away! it MIGHT get better! idk Join in your community then??#like yes yes thats a start but with what fucking energy when im bedbound most of the time im not working and that doesnt stop these fascist#s like me helping the community garden would be good for the community and probably my mental health in general BUT that doesnt deal with#the actual fear that makes me wanna Kermit#like it really fucking feels like all i can do is pray and hope god somehow intervenes (rapture anyone?) and that things do go well and#that the outright outspoken nzis don't win but like I really just wanna die man#i know the outcome more than likely will not directly affect my life bc im white. cis passing. and can go back in the closet regretfully#but like that doesnt reassure me any bc i have friends and loved ones and generally just give a shit ab other people and how this WILL#affect them directly and that terrifies me. it really feels like we cant ever have a moment to just exist yknow??#idk man i just wanna die bc im so scared haha how fun (: how normal (: this is fine. everything is fine.
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why are you, as a man, bringing up a man thats not related to the conversation that youve only seen twice since he dissappeared for 4 years. why are you bringing him up? to angrily ramble about him? when hes not even in the conversation? when hes barely related to the topic? is it cause hes on your mind? huh?
#i just finnished bsd season 2<2<3<3<3<3#gonna be watching bad apple next but thats tomorrow after i finnish some more school work#but like chuuya man. come on. why do you keep bringing up dazai#at least twice hes done so and like. no one has batted an eye#ane san and mori acted like this is normal-#so either chuuya just generally rambles about dazai#or chuuya used to rave about him all the time and now that dazais back technically hes back at the complaining#has dazai just been on your mind chuuya?#on the other hand thats sorta sad to me dazai hasent really talked about or brought up chuuya at all#even when could have been appropriate mabey idk idk mannnn#dumb ass gays#also why do minors keep getting paired up with older guys????#like why dose atsushi have to treat kyouka in gentle manly way? like. why dose that need to be specified kunikida?#at least theres no direct stuff(exept mori but. hes evil bad guy that we hate so i guess is ok? idk idk ick)#but yeeee having so much fun with bsdd will hopefully finally have comic out soon- and then will make more stuff for it i think#like more bsd stuff in general#i have an idea for an au that would work so good with an animatic but you guys would have to trust me
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Why did my brain randomly dump story lore on me. Do you really want me to make a sad one piece ripoff
#it was basically about this girl who had a little brother and her dad dies in the future and she used a memory she had to manipulate time#or something#to talk to her dad but she was too nervous she started shaking the boat a lot and the enemies came on#her dad was a slow fighter because he was confident about being the strongest#he got killed before he could use a syringe or something and then the enemy kills him#the girl knew the enemy was coming and they only got a split second longer#the enemy didn't want to kill the kids despite the enemies pets wanting to eat them#and left them to die on the ship#they sailed away i guess and went to this world and met a baby who was obsessed with them#and the baby grew up like idk three years. and kept trying to hangout with them#and they are like 'i lost my brother and father once i won't do it again'#basically the ''''one piece'''' is a journey of bringing her dad back#which was just me venting about how i miss my dad a lot#the baby became named Cadence Persistent of the Sea and went back home to see the MCs parents#and Cadence owns a dinosaur my childhood fav BTW#the girl MC is about 30 but she's stuck in her brain or something and she's a kid so her brother doesn't die#bc he does die like the dad but for some reason the enemy didn't kill him too#even tho she was canonically 31 in my dream i might change it bc she generally acts childish#(she IS her child self so i could twist this to be her also '''' regressing '''' back into it)#i would 100% try to put my faith in here somehow. Cadence becomes a nun and her Dinosaur is still her best friend and she's a boss that#never marries#who knew it was that easy to pump out lore i got a huge chunk of it after sleeping this is awesome
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Forever wondering what happened to Brad. He should still be alive somewhere in that TVA building
the interviews conducted on s2 have largely implied that the story of the TVA is over. so like, that would indicate that brad’s story is over, unless they bring him back to live out the zaniac role. which i don’t really see happening? i’m not keeping up with the MCU like i used to- loki was really it for me, and how much i pay attention to in the future will be based on what they do with loki and sylvie (not that i am particularly interested in their offerings if they continue to be the quality of s2) BUT the point i’m trying to get at is: even within their future projects i’m not seeing a space where brad fits beyond a quick cameo or punchline and decidedly not a full-fledged story.
we can put him in the “characters marvel abandoned too soon” shelter with dox so he can go about and continue whatever it is they do together- we shall never know. feel free to send in others that have been orphaned by the narrative over the last decade so we can collect spare change on their behalf.
#juni answers#what was the point of introducing his character and hiring a relatively well-known actor to play it#so he could be mean to our heroes? like that’s something an extra could do right?#his arc goes nowhere after ep3#makes me wonder if in that first draft of episode 5 that was allegedly scrapped by marvel there was resolution#just very very odd#Listen I love a good side character but they tend to serve a narrative purpose and leave#Not get introduced as time traveling movie stars with a weird thing with a general (whom he betrays)#Then never addressed again#Why bring those details in if they were never to be answered?#You’ll have to keep me updated on what happens moving forward and if he shows up again!!!#i’m sure a Brad stan will share with the world whichever other media he rolls up in#Side note Brad Stan’s y’all were done a disservice and i’m sorry#he wasn’t for me but even i am up Brad truthing#Can’t imagine what it’s like in your shoes
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I feel like my crown just shifted up oh my god
#i have a cleaning thursday before work so like i can tell someone#but also why did i do that i schedualed it super early like im already regreting it#considering itll be the day after valentines which means my shift ends at 9/9:30#and ill have to be there at my dentist by 7:30am#its whatever i just need to finish my dental work at the office then get my wisdom tooh pulled and ill be done w my teeth health wise#and then its onto the allergy shots which reminds me i have to reschedual my appt w my ent hoepfully its not anything too crazy far out#but i wanna talk w him and be like hey these shits are expensive what are my options or do u wanna be a homie and update my diagnosis#so they can get covered by my insurance cause i think if i can breath at like even 80% capacity my life would immensly change#and i was reading abt how like major chronic allergies lead to inflamation and my drs were concered abt that n i know i need to lose weight#but not being able to breath thru my nose hinders that to a degree#but like severe allergies are horrible for inflamation and like fucks up ur body and its like no wonder i feel horrible all the time#and itll prolly massively improve my sleep which also helps you#and i gotta go see my thyroid dr whos on the opposite end of town and wont answer the fucking phone to schedule and appt#cause i have to do that to renew my prescription and frankly i wish my primary dr could take care of that or get a new thyroid dr in general#but shes on maternity leave so ill have to wait for that#my dentist is also on maternity leave so ill have to see a diff one#i also ghosted my cardiologist but he literally called and was like ur fine the tests we ran showed ur in good health#but u should be more in shape and i didnt want another lecure abt being fat so i didnt go but i prolly should tho my results#prolly arent relavent anymore#and ive attemped ive done my bike workout a bit but its also been winter and i cannot bring myself to do anything besides rot in bed#most of the time and if i am going out its like to the movies or events where i just stand around and talk to people very low effort#i also have to email that lady abt my cetificate i still havent gotten abd the haircut place who charved me twice and write that damn review#that ive forgotten so many times
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mission failed we’ll get em next time 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#i literally can’t quit omg i feel so fucking bad. it wasn’t so bad this time but also HE LITERALLY FORCED ME TO COME OUT LKKE GIRL HELLO????#he cornered me and asked me if redacted had to do w my s*duality and i was like ummmmm. yeah 🫣 and he was like now why didn’t you say that t#the first time 🤨 and i was like …………. 😳. AND THEN i asked him why he asked me that and he said he’s been waiting for the right moment to get#it out of me and he always suspected it LIKE HELLO I THINK THAT IS POSSIBLY WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE I WANTED TO DIEEEEEE#and i lied right to his face abt stuff w my mom and also the redacted situation bc i always feel in trouble whenever i talk abt them w him#and also he asked how things were w my mom and i told him and he was like that’s great but how are things with YOU and yoir mom 🤨. UGHHHHH#and i can’t leave bc his supervisor is gravely ill and they haven’t talked abt doing inter generational therapy w me yet which is what they#want to do <- hasn’t looked it up yet and doesn’t know what it receals about me. and he also is like yet agai. trying to get me to separate#myself from data expunged AND ITS LIKE OMGGGG NOTHING IS HAPPENING WHY DO I HAVE TO THROW AWAY A GOOD THING THAT IS WORKING FOR ME JUST FOR#THE SAKE OF CONFORMING TO SOME STUOID MENTAL HEALJT STANDARD. so yeah ummmmm idk what to dooooo i know im not getting the best possible care#and this whole thing has been a cluster fuck but he validated my reaction to something for the first time like EVER today and he has plans a#and what if they work. and like omg if i drop it on him he’ll be so hurt and surprised like it will really come out of nowhere and i don’t w#want to look like even more of a fool to him than iam. but he says i can’t withhold stuff bc it’s doing me a disservice and we need to see t#the fullness of who i am to get to the root and solve problems and stuff but it’s like uhmmmm… but you don’t make me feel safe for reacting#the way i do or wanting things to work out in a way you disagree with so how can i bring out all the parts of me if you don’t make me feel a#safe and unjudged for doing so like. lol. the thought of leaving him makes me feel so guilty and stupid bc it s like why are you throwing aw#away sliding scale therapy that could turn out to be really useful and running away when ppl tell you things abt yourself you don’t like to#admit and force you to look at your hard ugly truths. but also the thought of working w him until july after already having had 16 weeks of#this literaly makes me fucking insane so idk what to do and finding a new counselor would be so hard and i don’t have time or money. UGHHHH!#purrs#delete later#like how am i gonna walk out on him when we just spent all this time talking abt how this new technique will bring me into a new season. AUG
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Important life lesson I've learned recently: Never fall in love with an anarchist.
#leon bitches#I'm dying#yesterday i slept for three hours before the horror of what's happening kicked in and insomnia kept me from sleep#fucking went and ran like four miles just to drive the thoughts of him out of my brain#didn't work#but before that i had a complete mental breakdown like i haven't in so so long#like. unable to get off the floor. unable to stop hysterical crying. unable to stop shaking.#it was pretty bad#and it's no wonder i didn't sleep. how could i when the only thing I've hoped for for years - my only goal - is distancing himself from me?#and i know I'm making generalizations but anarchists all have shit going on in their heads dude#like. my take on anarchy (as an anarchist) is that everyone should be kind even when we don't beed to be#and we need to do shit to save the planet even if it's kinda extreme#radical kindness kinda route. but without some government entity forcing it. it's just how we should be.#but his type is very overthrow the government kill the politicians force the world to get better#and i agree with bits of that. mostly because it would be faster than waiting for people to wake up and choose kindness.#but he is legitimately about doing shit that can accelerate that change#one of the earliest conversations i had with him he was saying he voted for trump in the hopes he'd collapse the country#that way we can bring on the Mad Max Times which he said are step one for rebuilding a better world#and i think that might be when i fell in love with him#because here's this self-stated conservative hillbilly yet he's as much of a punk as i am#because - as much as i want change to happen without too much death - I've always said the mad max times will have to happen#and he used the exact term I've always used: Mad Max Times#and then we stood around and talked about the best ways to kill politicians and change the world#and he laughed at me for thinking humanity isn't too far gone to be nice#said even in the Star Trek universe there had to be violence before utopia#but i said expecting people to have any shred of decency left is the only way i can cope with the world#and he said that's kinda punk of me. and i maybe got kinda lightheaded thinking how perfect he was.#but he's also literally insane. incredibly unhinged man.#purposefully puts himself into conflict with others in the hopes of getting to kick the shit out of some arrogant dickhead#and i think that's just how anarchic people are. we're all a little fucked in the head. no shade.
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