*walks up to the mic*

Mha brain rot

The crowd boos as I walk away, tripping on my way down the stairs

A Second Chance Chapter V (Titan!Erwin Eruri fic)

Half-arsed summary: Events from chapter 84 had Erwin been given the serum. Soft and obsessive Levi, Erwin struggles with guilt from those he sent to die for a selfish dream, and everything with Zeke-Marley will be far different under Erwin’s leadership. Erwin will be the one to save the world. Read the whole thing here.

X

Several weeks passed, and the Survey Corps set their sights on clearing up the rest of the titans inside Wall Maria, as well as progress on Erwin’s experimentation and Eren’s memories.

Unlike before, Erwin spent a lot of his time alone. Normally, he’d spend his time with Levi, Hange as well. When he worked on paperwork, Levi would usually be there, even if silently, just keeping him company.

But after Shiganshina, Erwin wanted to be left alone.

Levi thought Erwin was angry, that he saw Levi as a failure and disappointment, but the truth was that Erwin was trying to find himself.

He was trying to recollect memories, see what Bertolt saw. Know what he knew. Unlike before, he tried to actually get some sleep, because he thought it’d be the best way to meet Bertolt again. The coated man in the dreams he couldn’t remember, he knew it was him. But he didn’t see him again. He couldn’t dream.

Everything was just hard for Erwin.

He was overwhelmed, even though the Survey Corps had done nothing but progress. They earned the people’s love and warmth, while the other military branches’ respect and admiration.

Yet something felt amiss.

What is it that he gained that day…?

He reached the basement and proved his father right. He felt he redeemed himself some for being a stupid child that got the father he adored killed.

But he still didn’t feel whole.

Sometimes, his hands felt dirty. When he lingered too much on his feelings of emptiness, he’d look at his feet and see a pile of corpses. And the very first corpse he stood on was Mike, who always stared at him with his brows slightly creased.

Like he were questioning him.

So, what did he gain…?

Knowledge?

Progress for humanity?

At the expense of what?

How were they supposed to fight not one enemy, but the entire world? What was it that he, a man that was exhausted and broken, could do?

If only, if only he could remember something.

But what did that matter? Did Bertolt have any information that was more useful than anything Grisha and Kruger gave them?

Or more useful than Eren’s predecessors?

He took a sharp inhale and stood from his desk. He went over to his bookshelf and grabbed one of the old books he borrowed from Historia’s library.

He sat on his bed, and made himself comfortable as he spread the several journals on the bed, and rested the book on his legs brought to his chest.

“The Fundamentals of the Brain,” it was called.

He grabbed one of the journals, pages yellow from its antiquity.

There were detailed drawings of the brain and the lobes of the cerebral cortex. He alternated between speed-reading the journal and book. He focused on the notes on the hippocampus—the part responsible for memory function.

He grabbed a quill and his own brand-new journal.

He stared at the blank page, lost in thought.

The paths Kruger mentioned… they could almost be defined as a channel of transportation. It links all Eldians, and the central point is the Coordinate. The brain possesses something similar. The axons in the brain serve as a wire that connects neurons from location to location. It’s responsible for transmitting information over a long distance. A neural pathway, so to speak. This pathway maybe could be seen as the Coordinate in the brain. Every Eldian is connected to the Coordinate, so, perhaps we could be seen as axons. If the memories are passed on from shifter to shifter through these paths…

“Hm…” he muttered. “Let’s see,” he now spoke out loud, leaning back on the pillows and looking at the ceiling. “If memories are stored as patterns, and those patterns encode information of an event, maybe a stimulus could cause those memory networks to be activated. But how do you stimulate a brain to remember?”

His head shot to strong knocks on the door.

He stood and headed to it, and opened it. It was late, who wanted to bother him?

He found Levi and Hange.

“… Oh? What are you two doing here?”

“Were you just talking to yourself?” Hange said.

“You heard?” his brows rose.

“You’re just like Eren now!” she jested. “I thought he was weird, talking to himself and all, but you’re the same! Maybe it’s a titan shifter thing. You guys are so weird!”

She grinned and laughed, but she was evidently hiding the sadness in her.

“Why are you here?” Erwin asked.

Her eye saddened. “Because we’re worried about you…” she admitted.

He took a good look at them, and was surprised when his eyes found Levi. The dark circles under his eyes were terrible, and his normally handsome face was plagued with an unspoken emotion Erwin couldn’t decipher.

Sadness? Resignation? What was it?

He frowned in surprise.

“… Have you been losing weight?”

Levi didn’t say anything.

“What do you need?” he asked them.

“We’re just worried, Erwin…” Hange frowned. “About you. We want to know what’s going through that mind of yours.”

“I’m fine,” Erwin said.

“What are you doing?” Hange asked, getting on her tippy toes and looking over Erwin inside his office, catching a glimpse of his book filled bed.

“Reading,” he said.

“Erwin…” Hange frowned, “why won’t you talk to us?”

“What do you mean? I am—“

“Whenever we’re done experimenting or working, you disappear without a trace. You were never like this before. We don’t talk, share tea or do anything together at all. Why…? Why has everything changed so much?”

Because he hates me… Levi thought.

Erwin sighed, and they were surprised by the visible saddening of his eyes and his sudden sincerity.

“I’ve wanted to be alone,” he admitted. “I have much to think about. I don’t need any distractions, but don’t take that the wrong way.”

“Isn’t there anything we can do to help?” Hange asked.

Erwin looked down in contemplation. He glimpsed at the books, then at them.

“Three heads are better than one,” she smiled sadly.

“… Yes,” his eyes softened. “How foolish have I been?”

He fully opened the door and paved way for them to enter. Hange did immediately, but Levi hesitated.

“Levi?” Erwin called.

Levi looked up at him, brows furrowed and eyes sad—and his expression was pitiful to look at. It was childish and pleading, like he were asking Erwin if he was truly allowed to go in, if he was truly welcome.

“What are you waiting for?” Erwin smiled at him for the first time in weeks, and it made everything inside Levi tighten. “You don’t intend to stay there all night, do you?”

Levi silently walked through the door, and stood in the middle of the office, doing nothing.

Erwin walked past him to the bedroom and plopped on the bed. He sat, scurrying back as Hange went over with a chair to sit next to him. After several calls, Levi did the same. He sat next to Hange at the right bedside so they both could be face-to-face with Erwin.

Erwin explained what he was trying to do. Hange nodded intently, and Levi gazed at Erwin with the most pitiful eyes he had ever seen. He tried to ignore it, but it brewed something terrible inside Erwin.

What was wrong with Levi?

“That’s brilliant,” Hange referred to the way Erwin illustrated paths with the human brain. “The brain does behave like a sponge,” she said. “When you ate Bertolt, you said you dreamt about his titan form crying. If what Rod Reiss said is true, and we have no reason to believe otherwise, then a titan shifter never truly dies. Their memories are absorbed by the current holder, certain conditions simply need to happen in order for those memories to surface.”

“But the issue is how,” Erwin sighed. “I don’t know how. After all, I’m trying to stimulate my brain for someone else’s memories, not my own.”

“Hm…” Hange pondered, skimming through the journals.

“Maybe you should cut open my skull and probe my brain,” Erwin smiled.

Hange’s mouth opened. She stared at Erwin, and he and Levi could tell she was contemplating the idea.

“He was just kidding!” Levi yelled, frowning at her.

They were taken aback, since it was the first thing he had said, and he looked panicked.

“I know, I know,” she smiled apologetically. “Buuuuuuuuut—“

“But nothing!” Levi reproached.

“Okay, okay,” she put her hands up.

Erwin laughed, and her eyes darted between him and Levi. She spoke to Erwin, changing the subject to lighten the mood, but she couldn’t stifle the sadness inside her.  

Levi was quiet and never said anything about it, but she wasn’t dumb.

She easily noticed the changes in him and Erwin since their last meeting where they discussed what happened in Shiganshina.

The difference is, she could tell Erwin was distant, but Levi…

It’s like Levi had fallen into a deep depression, and she wasn’t sure if it was because of his failure in killing the Beast Titan, or somehow because of Erwin.

She just wanted everything to be fine.

They lost so much during the Battle of Shiganshina. Mike wasn’t with them, she had lost Moblit; the three of them were all they had. And now that Erwin’s time was ticking, she didn’t want anything to get in the way of their friendship.

She abruptly stood up, and they both looked at her.

“Let’s go out!” she smiled. “Tomorrow’s Friday. Let’s go out to the interior! Let’s have a few drinks, let’s go to a cabaret—let’s have some fun! We have earned it!”

“But, Hange—“

“But what?” Hange said. “Are we here just to work? Were we put on this Earth to drown in work every waking hour, and think about the pain we feel during the little time we have to take a breather?”

“Let’s go out!” she repeated. “Let’s get drinks, let’s eat some meat, let’s attend a fun show and just get drunk!”

Levi was too depressed to say anything, or to even contemplate her words.

“You know what,” Erwin closed the book with a thump, “you’re right.”

They looked at him in surprise.

“I can’t remember the last time I relaxed,” he said. “Can you?”

She shook her head.

“And I’m sure Levi is the same,” Erwin said when Levi said nothing. “Let’s enjoy ourselves. I’ll make the carriage arrangements tomorrow morning.”

“Yes!” Hange brought her fist up then down in victory. “Then it’s settled,” she sat back down and wrapped an arm around Levi. “We’re going to have fun and eat,” she emphasised, but Levi didn’t know why. It took him a few seconds to understand, and he looked away when he did.

Erwin frowned at Levi’s utter lack of enthusiasm. His pitiful expression was starting to get to him.

“But for now,” he said, standing up, “I’m going to think for a little longer, then sleep. You two get some, as well.”

“Okay,” Hange smiled, complying, and Levi followed. She bid Erwin goodbye, waiting for Levi, but she quickly left instead when Erwin tugged him back to prevent him from leaving.

Levi looked up at him with those pitiful, hopeless eyes.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” is all he responded.

Erwin frowned, not knowing what to tell him or what to ask him. Why was he so thin?

The Survey Corps had better food than ever now. So, why?

He held both his shoulders and shot him a comforting smile, to Levi’s surprise. “Get some good sleep,” he said. “We’re going to have some well-deserved fun tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it.”

Levi frowned, and it shocked Erwin further when his words had the opposite effect he intended.

He looked even worse, even more distraught.

“… Okay,” is all Levi said.

He turned and left, hands in pockets and tired eyes on the floor.

“Levi?”

He turned to look.

“Goodnight,” Erwin smiled.

Levi frowned even more. He said nothing and left, to Erwin’s utter confusion.

This was the last part of the chapter. Read its entirety here. I do suggest you start from chapter I, though.

TAFAKKUR: Part 18

Your Nervous System: Part 1

Finally, I have come to say goodbye to you. As you probably know, there is a saying “Leave the best till last.” I am the greatest of all the organs and systems that have described themselves to you so far. I am an integrative system that forms a chain between every organ in your body. Just as your veins are spread out to carry nutrients and oxygen to every part of your body, I also embrace your entire system like a network, without leaving the tiniest space; I am informed of everything that goes on inside your body. Even if a tiny insect settles on your arm, you sense it immediately. I make you aware of a tiny drop of sweat on your body. I induce pain in suitable measures to inform you of any illnesses in your inner organs. In fact, I not only inform you, I also warn you to seek help.

However, it is hard for me to describe myself. When you hear the words “nervous system,” what comes to mind is a cluster of cells called neurons. But this is a great mass of cells, and we should always remember that we are referring to the most complex matter in all of creation. The very important main nervous systems, which are very close to one another, are the huge masses positioned beneath the skull, the extensions of my system and secondary nervous system; this latter is spread out through various regions of the body. It would take up too much of your time to describe each region and branch of my system individually to you each month, but in this way I could prove what a perfect and incredible duty each of them performs within your body. However, I will try to explain the subject briefly to avoid boring you. Nevertheless, please forgive me if I ramble on too much; we are describing the most excellent organ created by God so it is inevitable that there will be some complicated matters that need clarification.

Instead of allowing each of my sections to describe themselves to you individually, I will speak on their behalf as the “brain.” It may be easier for you to understand the system if we divide it into two. One of them is me and the nervous system which I lead; we can briefly describe this as the thalamus, hypothalamus, cerebellum, the medulla, and the spine. The other part is the peripheral nervous system, which emerges from the central nervous system and is distributed, rather like fiber optic telephone cables, throughout the entire body. In addition to me, the brain, and my two large cerebral hemispheres, there is another smaller section, which is known as the brain stem. The brain and its cerebral hemispheres and the sections of the brain stem which are protected beneath the skull (the cerebellum, medulla, thalamus, and hypothalamus) are very important. The spinal cord, which is also a part of the central nervous system, however is not in the skull, but positioned within the vertebrae that constitute the spine. Due to its connection with the central nervous system, any damage to the spinal cord can endanger life.

Although damage to regions of the body where the nerves are distributed from the central nervous system may cause paralysis, or functional disorder for the specific organ, such an incident is not life threatening.

If you recall, when the heart and circulation system described themselves they boasted – indeed the veins also seemed to brag a bit when they stated that they measured 75,000 miles (long enough to go around the world almost three times). But the nerves are approximately 477,000 miles, long enough to stretch from the earth to the moon, and back again… the nerves which are distributed throughout the various parts of your body measure 250,000 miles, and the total length of the central nervous system is 228,000 miles. Almost 200,000 signals pass through just one cell at a time, which means that every moment thousands of signals pass through millions of my cells all throughout your body, and flow from the central nervous system to the whole body and then back to the central nervous system. There are about 30 billion cells in my system. 10 billion of these cells are in the cortex, 10 billion in the cerebellum, and the remainder forms the structure of the nerves and other sections. As a comparison, a fly’s brain contains 100 thousand cells, and a rat’s brain has 10 million cells. The total number of connections and contact points (synapses) that my 30 billion cells use to send and receive signals is 100 trillion. The number of combinations that these connections can establish to send signals to one another is greater than the number of atoms in the universe. At the beginning of a thinking process, the number of cells activated is between 10 and 100 million, and according to the depth and intensity of the activity, these figures can increase to astounding numbers. Every second 4 billion signals are exchanged between the left and right hemispheres. When you were an embryo, just a few weeks old, I consisted of 92% water. When you were first born, the ratio of water was 90%. And when you were fully developed, the water ratio remains at 77%.Can you imagine, a heap of mass consisting of 77% water, the remainder made up of various element. Our Lord, the bearer of eternal power places me in you, in the head of the most honorable creation, and with me you form civilizations; you invent and discover. And even more important, with my mediation you have the ability to contemplate and reach your Creator. What we are learning about here is how with me you are able to recognize the wisdom of the entire universe. The electric signals of the various sense organs, such as the eyes, ears, nose, tongue and skin, all of which have previously described themselves, are transmitted by the receptive cells on various wavelengths; these are then conveyed to you in the form of sight, noise, smell and taste. In fact I am inducing you to write these words at this very moment. The evaluation of everything you do passes through me, but you are not even aware of it. When you walk, eat, talk, speak or sleep, the information I receive from every part of your body is reviewed and responded to in a suitable manner. Could a single nucleus of a single one of my cells possibly position itself alone?

Falcon of Detroit (DBH Connor Fanfiction) Chapter One

A/n: Welcome to my Connor x OC story! I hope some of you are looking forward to this story! It'll either be a train wreck or an adventure. Love you all!!!

••••••••••••••••

~Phoebe's POV~

"So..." I fiddle with a pen, tapping it on my desk. "Would you rather eat shit or kiss Gavin on the cheek?"

Hank snorted with laughter. "Definitely eat shit. I'd enjoy it way more than kissing that prick."

"Same here," I concur. From the corner of my eye, I saw Gavin walking this way. "Speak of the devil and he shall appear."

Hank spotted Gavin, as well, and huffed in annoyance. "Great..."

Officer Reed stopped in front of my desk, placing his hands on the edge and leaning forward. "You think you're so damn special, don't ya?"

"Hello to you, too, asshat. And no, I don't think I'm special," I retort. "What do you want?"

"You were assigned to the new rogue case. Captain's sending you to the crime scene in a couple of hours."

"Why the hell am I hearing it from you and not Captain Fowler, huh?"

"I'm just the damn messenger," Gavin spat. "How should I know?" He smacked his hands on my desk before shuffling away into the break room.

"I think this is the only case that I've ever wanted to shoot the messenger more than the sender."

"I'll help hide the body," Hank snickered.

I got up from my desk and headed towards Jeffrey's office. I let myself in and sit down. He pinches the bridge of his nose with a sigh. "Sorry about sending Gavin after you. I was busy with a call from CyberLife."

"Oh, any gossip?" I eagerly ask, moving to the edge of my seat.

"No. It's not something for your ears to hear. Here's the case file." Jeffrey handed me a rather empty manila folder. I flipped through it and noticed it only had a couple of witness reports and a handful of bloody photos. "You're our best detective, Phoebe. I want you on this case. I know you'll find this damn murderous machine and stop it."

"So, I guess I better head to..." I examine the witness report. "Glendale Drive. Maybe I can figure out what these victims have in common and work from there."

"Phoebe, you don't have to leave right away."

"No, I need to find more evidence and not waste precious time. Who knows when this rogue will kill again. I'll report anything I find when I return."

"Make sure to bring your pistol. I know you have a tendency to leave it behind," Jeffrey said.

"I will, I will. I'll see you later, Sir."

Heading back to my desk, I grab my badge and gun. Hank eyed my every move as I readied myself to leave the station. "Where you off to, Phee?"

"Glendale Drive. A slew of murders has residences shaking in their boots. The body count has reached ten and we don't want that number increasing anymore. The worse part: none of the bodies are identifiable. Their faces are all burned off, along with their fingertips."

"Jesus, these rogues are turning more dangerous by the day. Not even the deviants have resulted to cold-blooded murder," Hank comments. "Be careful out there. Wish I could go with you."

"I'll be fine, Dad," I tease.

"Just sayin'."

I smile and tuck the file under my arm. "I'll be back in a few hours. Don't you dare go drinking without me."

The older man scoffs. "No promises."

I shook my head and left the station. I drove to my destination and pulled into a parking spot. I read over the file once more before exiting the car. A few officers were already here, but only a few of them were able to examine the scene while the others held back bystanders.

"Detective Falcon, you're here. I wasn't expecting you for another couple of hours," Officer Shultz said as he spotted me.

"I wanted to check the scene out as soon as possible. Have you found any more evidence?"

"No. With you here, I know we'll find some."

He guided me down the alley and to the dumpster. The smell of rotting flesh and blood tainted the air as we drew closer. Since I was used to the smell, I checked the dumpster closer. Three dead bodies were piled inside with their faces in disarray. Officer Shultz gave me a pair of gloves and I checked the dead bodies' fingers. "Damn, burned off. I do smell hydrochloric acid, though. The rogue must've used it to burn their victims' faces and fingers to make them unidentifiable."

I jumped off the dumpster and sighed. Officer Shultz handed me pictures of the inside of their mouths. "We can't even get dental records because the rogue even poured the acid in their mouths."

"We know these bodies are all male. What about the other seven victims?"

"All male, Detective."

"So, this android is killing males. If we knew who they were, we could also get an age-range or any other connection. Sadly, we can't."

"Excuse me," an unfamiliar voice interrupts my thinking and I jump two feet in the air.

I turn in my heels, hand placed over my racing heart. "Jesus!"

"I'm sorry to have frightened you. My name is Connor. I'm the android sent by CyberLife to aid you in your cases, Detective Falcon."

I tilted my head in confusion. "I'm sorry. I think my hearing is failing me. What did you say?" The machine repeated himself and I knew I had heard him correctly. "Are you, like, some new model?"

"I'm an RK800 prototype."

"Let me guess, you're a detective android?" Connor nods and I clapped my hands tightened. "Great! I hope we can get along. I could use some help with this cursed case."

"What do we know?" The android questioned. I filled him in just as Officer Shultz did for me. I took him over to the bodies so he could scan them. "They were killed before the acid was used. There's damage to the cerebral cortex in all three victims. Blunt-force trauma was the cause of death."

"At least we know they weren't alive when the acid was poured into their mouths," I mumble beside Connor. "That would've been a horrible way to go."

When I saw the android stick his finger in the blood on one of the victims, I raised a brow in confusion. When he wiped the substance on his tongue, I open and closed my mouth like a fish out of water. "What was that?"

"I analyzed the blood. I can check samples in real-time."

"That's... so cool! Disgusting, but cool."

"James Landers. Time of death: one thirty-one a.m."

I froze when I heard him say a name. "When you analyzed the blood, you also got his name?"

"Yes."

I quickly ran to my car, pulled out the file, and wrote down the name. I dashed back to Connor with a pen in-hand. "Can you test the other two victims' blood?"

Connor nods and does as I asked. We learned the other two victims were Francis Rivera and Jacob Turner. Both of them died roughly at the same time James did. "That means the rogue is kidnapping multiple men at once and killing them one after another."

Officer Shultz returned and I gave him the names of the men. He returned to his cruiser and checked to see if the men had anything in common. I waited for him and chatted with the new RK800. "So, CyberLife created a detective android. Gotta say, you're impressive. I just hope you don't take my job from me, Connor."

"I am simply your partner, Detective Falcon."

"You can call me Phoebe or Phee for short. If you're to become my new partner, I'd rather we stick to first names. I mean, it's not like you have a last name or anything like that."

"Also, I will be helping Lieutenant Anderson."

"Oh, so that means we're the three amigos!" Connor was lost at the reference and I wasn't shocked at all. "Um, three musketeers?" No response. "I give up."

Officer Shultz returns and hands me a piece of paper. "Here's what these men had in common."

I took the piece of paper and thanked him. Reading over the short list, my eyes narrowed when I saw the name of a gang. "Salvation? I thought this gang was disbanded years ago."

"The gang was reestablished a few months ago under a man named Harvey Benjamin. Their goal is to cease the creation of androids," Connor replies.

"And the rogue believes they'll accomplish their goal. A gang can't be arrested if they haven't done anything to break the law. It's taking their annihilation into its own hands. We've gotta find out where Harvey is and warm him. I'm sure he'll be the android's next target."

"I'll check the database for his address," Officer Shultz states.

I hit myself in the head with the manila folder and groan. Connor eyed me with a questioning gaze at my actions. "Are you alright, Detective Falcon?"

"I just hope we're able to save this man. We don't need another body. And didn't I tell you to call me by my name or nickname?"

"Sorry, Detective."

"Ah!"

"Apologies, Phoebe."

"There ya go!"

After our chat, we received the address from Officer Shultz and left to pay Harvey a visit. Connor hopped in my car without question and I sped off. It was silent in the car until we pulled up in front of Harvey's house. I made sure my pistol was in its hostler before getting out of the car. Connor followed after me and we headed to the front door.

I knocked on the door and prayed someone would answer. The door opened moments later and I showed the man my badge. "Harvey Benjamin, my name's Phoebe Falcon. I'm a detective and this is Connor, my partner. We're here to take you to the station."

"Why? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, Sir. We believe you're the next target of a rogue android. He's killed ten of your gang members in the past week."

"But, I—"

"Sir, we don't have time to explain everything," Connor said, cutting off the older man. "Please, come with us." Harvey nods and we leave his house without incident.

Back at the station, a few guards take Harvey off our hands and I head to my desk with the android in tow. Hank was nowhere to be seen and I saw it was almost seven o'clock. "What a day. With Harvey safely at the station, the rogue won't be able to target him unless it's a complete idiot and will do anything to kill him. Let me report to the Captain. I'll be right back, Connor."

-An Hour Later-

I exit Jeffrey's office and heave a sigh, dragging my feet all the way back to my desk. "Geez, that report took forever..." At my desk, I saw Connor was examining the picture I had of my mom and dad. He was frowning and I was curious as to why. "Connor, what's wrong?"

"Your father died of cancer when you were five and your mother passed away from a heart attack on your eighteenth birthday."

"You got all that from a picture?"

"I scanned the photo and I was able to find their death records."

"Impressive. What else can you do?" I ask, changing the subject to get away from my deceased parents. Connor shared all of his functions with me and I was amazed. He was, indeed, Cyberlife's most advanced android yet.

"Phoebe?" Connor called my name.

I blinked a few times and realized I was staring at him. "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to stare. It's just... you're amazing and I get to work with you. Not sure Hank will be so happy to be working with an android, though. Speaking of the old geezer, I promised we would go drinking tonight. Guess we better start searching the bars. He loves too many of them for me to narrow it down to a single one. Ready to go, Connor?"

The android nods. "Yes."

Plan: Avoid McCoy

(Bones x Reader) (Leonard McCoy x Reader)

Summary: takes place after Star Trek Into Darkness just before Beyond. In prev story “McCoy’s Dilemna” Reader is Christopher Pike’s daughter and they had been dating. This starts with them having been broken up for about 3 years, being back on the Enterprise again after Admiral Pike’s death.

Ths is for you @nervousmemzie hope you like it 

Word count: 3,301 (yowza)

***

“Lieutenant Commander Pike may I have a word please” Jim asked you into his office.

“Yes sir” you nodded and followed him in. He motioned for you to sit in one of the chairs in front of his desk and he sat in the other, facing you.

He put on his friendly Jim face, so you took a deep breath and exhaled knowing this meant he was going to get personal. “I just wanted to check in with you to see how you are doing?” he asked.

“With all due respect Captain, I know you didn’t call me in here to ask me how I’m doing. I’d appreciate if you just cut the crap and tell me why you really wanted to talk to me” you sat back in the chair with a huff.

“Eloquent as ever I see” he smiled. “Jim we’ve been friends for years so don’t beat around the bush with me ok.”

Shaking his head “I just need... want to make sure it won’t be weird or uncomfortable for you” he sat back in his chair.

“Well damn man, don’t you think that is something you should’ve made sure to find out before we left on this godforsaken 5-year mission!” you joked and he laughed. “Look, I wouldn’t have taken the assignment and I don’t think you would have allowed me to be assigned if we both had any apprehensions about it” you added.

“This is true” he replied. “I just wanted to make sure you’re still doing ok, I guess. We both took your father’s death pretty hard and I know you took a lot of bereavement time afterward. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t jumping back into anything too soon” his smile faltered but he wasn’t being completely honest.

“I’ve told you before Jim, I’ve been ok for over a year now” you tilted your head and squinted your eyes, “Are you sure this isn’t perhaps about something, or someone else. Maybe Doctor McCoy?” you shot.

“The thought had crossed my mind. You guys just broke it off so quickly and it has been a couple years and as far as I know you two haven’t even spoken since” he replied looking concerned.

Looking down at the floor, not being able to make eye contact you asked quietly “Has he talked to you about me at all since then.”

“No not really. I mean there was a couple times right after the breakup but no he hasn’t” he rubbed the back of his neck not sure if you were going to be ok or blow up.

“Oh ok, well no I think I’ll be perfectly fine. I mean we are both the same rank so it’s not like either could boss the other around and hey how often is he on the bridge anyway right.” You rambled quickly. “Are we done”

“I feel like I’ve just hit a wasp’s nest Y/N” he looked worried.

“Why on earth would you feel like that? I’ve just got some things I need to do and not that looking at you isn’t just a delight JT, but seriously, I have work” you sassed.

He cringed at the name JT, but he also knew you never used it around other people. It was something you had started calling him years ago when your father, then Captain Christopher Pike, had taken Jim under his wing after his mother asked for help with you as a teenager. You and he were like brother and sister so of course the first time you called him that and he demanded you not ever call him that, it became his nickname.

“Ok, but if you need to talk PJ you let me know” he ruffled your hair as he stood. You smacked his hand away “It’s not the same, I actually like my nickname” you stuck your tongue out at him. He called you PJ to stand for Pike Jr. since he always tried to get your goat by telling you your dad always wanted a son but instead he got you and that was the reason he liked Jim so much. The two of you often got into fights because of it. Typical brother sister conversation.

Once you left the captain’s office you advised the Lieutenant working with you that you were going to take the rest of the day and left for your quarters. You were able to quell any tears from forming, but once the door shut behind you in your room, you fell on your bed and let it all out, sobbing for hours. It wasn’t the reminder of your father or his death that got you sad. It wasn’t the reminder of your ended relationship with Leonard that bothered you. It was that he didn’t even talk about you afterward.

--

It wasn’t even a week after your conversation with Jim that you started seeing Leonard in the corridors, or passing by an intersecting hall just as you happen to look up. He would come into the lounge to eat or drink with Jim, Scotty, or Sulu and you would immediately clear your plate and take your leave. If he was in a room first and you walked in, you excused yourself claiming to have forgotten something in your room and you left.

The few times he came to the bridge to talk to Jim you simply ignored the fact that he was in the room, or turned your chair to look at a different console facing away from him. This went on for about 3  weeks before the dreaded message came across your PADD. Your annual check-up was scheduled for 2 days from now with none other than Doctor McCoy.

“Excuse me Commander Spock, do you happen to know when the Captain will be back?” you asked.

“The Captain did not leave instruction on when he shall return Lieutenant Commander Pike. Is there any way I may be of service?” he replied.

“Would you be so kind as to change my checkup to Doctor M’Benga, or anyone else perhaps?” you asked as you handed him your PADD.

“I see you are scheduled with Doctor McCoy Lt. Comm. He is highly trained and more than qualified to perform a routine checkup is he not?” he asked obliviously.

“Of course he is, it’s just that I would really appreciate it if you could make this one little change for me” smiling big as if he would understand your implication.

“I cannot simply make a change without proper justification Lt. Comm. Is there something improper the doctor has done? Do I need to file a report?” he lifted his head and stood straighter than he already does.

“No no no, it’s nothing like that? Nevermind sir, It’s fine. Thank you” you smiled and grabbed back your PADD. Ugh if I tell Jim then he’ll think I have a problem and I don’t really. I just don’t want to avoid McCoy. Forever. That isn’t too much to ask for right. Well shit.

--

You stood there looking at yourself in the mirror for the 5th time this morning. Trying to persuade yourself that this is fine. This is going to be just fine. These checkups only take a few minutes and so you’ll just answer when he asks a question and you don’t even have to look him in the eye. Yeah that’s what you’ll do. You’ll look at the wall or the floor. You can do this. You can do this. Then why do you feel like you want to throw up….again. Ok, let’s just go get this over with.

You made your way to Medbay and told Christine you were here for your checkup. She smiled and walked you to Biobed 3. You grabbed her arm before she turned and left “Hey, why can’t the nurses do checkups? Why does it have to be Doctor McCoy?” you asked quietly.

“Um, we do checkups. Doctor McCoy scheduled this appointment. I thought you had asked for him, that’s why I didn’t think anything of it when I saw he was doing a routine checkup” she smiled and walked back to her desk. Well shit.

Just then his office door opened and he walked out. He was looking down at his PADD so he hadn’t seen you yet. You hadn’t seen him in 3 years so you weren’t sure what you expected to see. You thought that maybe with the incidents of dealing with Khan and almost losing Kirk and all that maybe he would look a little worse for wear. You had hoped maybe he had gained a ton of weight and slouched and stopped shaving and looked like a sloppy hobo, but he didn’t. He still looked ruggedly handsome with that damn furrow in his brow when he was concentrating. His hair was a little shorter and you liked it. His hands still looked strong and steady and you noticed it looked like his thighs were looking a little more toned than before. Hmmm, NO no no, just look at the floor Y/N!

“Good day Lt Comm Pike. How are you feeling today?” he asked as he finally walked over to you.

“Fine.”

“How have you been?”

“Fine.”

“So you’re not going to talk to me at all then?”

“I am talking to you” you tried not to sound snotty. You thought if you could just keep focus on this one small spot on the floor then you will hold your resolve.

“Oh I see. Speaking technically, then yes you are talking to me. I swear Spock is rubbing off on more and more people around here”

“Hmff” you scoffed.

“What’s that for?” he stood right in front of you. Damn it he was blocking my sight of the spot.

Look at his shoes, yes, just look at his shoes. “Oh sorry, nothing” you quickly tried to brush off your smartass response that you did not want to say or it will start a conversation you are not ready to have.

“Y/N why won’t you look at me?” he sulked.

Damn a direct question. I said I’d answer those. But I said that to myself so it doesn’t count. But I have to say something. Think think think.

You looked him straight in the face “Congratulations doctor on completing the first cerebral-cortex/brain-tissue graft. That’s a great accomplishment.” Throw him off topic, that’ll do it.

He sighed “Thank you.” He picked up his tricorder and scanned you. “Any pain, illnesses, or other concerns lately?” he asked in Doctor mode.

“Nope” you focused ahead of you at a spot on the wall.

“I’ve noticed you have been avoiding me around the ship” he returned to the damn topic of us.

“Hmm”

“Hmm that’s all you’re going to say. Hmm” he raised his voice.

You were tempted to blow up on him, but you were also determined to let it go so you simply replied “Mmhmm.”

“Good god woman I haven’t seen you in 3 years and you’re going play games and ignore me!”

Stone faced you looked him in the eye “Do not raise your voice at me Doctor McCoy.”

“How can you be like this? How can you have nothing to say to me?”

Oh no he didn’t! “I’m sorry what! How can I not have anything to say to YOU! Are you out of your southern fried mind!” you were the one yelling now.

“Yes, may I remind you that you broke up with me so why you are ignoring me like I did something wrong is beyond me!” he had that stupid wide eyed look he gets when he doesn’t understand something. And boy he does not understand today.

“I did not break up with you Leonard! My father just died and I said I needed some time to think and cope with things and you are the one who never came back. In fact you even started dating that Nancy chick after a few months anyway like the 2 years we were together meant nothing to you. So you know what, you take your tricorder and shove it up your ass McCoy!” you slapped the tricorder out of his hand and stormed out of the Medbay.

Christine and another nurse were whispering at the desk when you ran out with Leonard hot on your trail.

“Wait a minute here. You told me you didn’t want to see me anymore and never told me what was going on. You never let me try to talk to you or comfort you so what was I supposed to do, break down your door?” he yelled following you down the corridors.

“Jesus man you don’t know anything do you” you scoffed again. “I said and I quote ‘I don’t want to see anyone right now’ because I was grieving. That didn’t mean leave me alone forever. It meant like gimme a few days or maybe bring me some comfort food later or anything except tuck tail and run” you exclaimed whilst waving your arms in awe of his stupidity.

“Oh I’m sorry, did I miss the seminar on ‘do the opposite of what a woman tells you to do’ because I think I woulda remembered that one.”

“Oh my god Leonard, sometimes you can be so daft. I mean you didn’t even talk about me after we “broke up” so it’s not like you wanted to try anyway”

“What are you talking about!” he held his hands out in front of his face still keeping pace with you.

“Jim told me you didn’t even talk about me after. Like who does that? Someone who doesn’t care, that’s who” you pointed a finger at him stopping in front of your quarters.

“Woman I didn’t talk to Jim because he has the emotional intelligence of a cucumber. I wasn’t dating Nancy, I was seeing her as a patient. She was a therapist and I was seeing her about you. About us.” He motioned from you to him.

“Well what kind therapist doesn’t suggest you go help your grieving girlfriend?” You crossed your arms.

“Well that was what I was wondering too and I found out later that she was telling me to stay away from you and give you space because she wanted to make a pass at me. As soon as I figured it out I ran to your place to see you but you moved.” He looked dawn at his hands.

“You’re a grown ass man Leonard, you couldn’t figure out that you should’ve come see me sooner?”

“Well hun you remember I get divorced for not listening to what she said, so I figured I was going to do what you said. See how well that did me” he frowned and rubbed his hand over his face.

“You’re an idiot”

“I know”

You turned and went into your quarters. Turning to look at him “Bye Leonard” and you shut the door.

A few moments later your door chirped so you walked back and opened it to find Leonard leaning his hands against either side of the door with his head tilted down slightly. Looking at you scandalously “You still need your checkup Lt. Comm. Pike”

“Would you still like to give me my checkup Doctor McCoy?” you said taking a few steps back.

“Yes I very much do” he grinned and walked in.

Once the door shut behind him, “First let’s check those tonsils” as he closed the gap and cupped your face in his hands and he kissed you furiously. You giggled and wrapped your arms around his waist.

Walking backward you pulled at the hem of his shirt. He stopped kissing you and let you pull it off him. God you were right, he was more toned than before. He must have been working out. Whatever it was, you likey.

“Let me check your pulse” as he kissed your neck. “And now for the lungs” he pulled your shirt off and threw it to the ground and looked at your breasts for a moment. “Yup them are healthy lungs” he grabbed them and squeezed as you laughed. He kissed the skin above the bra line then tugged at the bra to pull your left breast out of the cup and tongue the nipple.

You reached around and unhooked your bra as he slipped his right hand down into your panties. ”I’m just going to take your temperature Lt. Comm.” He smirked. You moaned as he slowly slid a finger between your folds and stroked your clit. You pulled him back to the bed and laid down on the bed. He laid down next to you continuing to pepper your breasts with licks and nibbles. He slid a finger into your wet core eliciting an excited moan. Soon he moved his thumb to your clit and added a second finger inside you curling them to your delight.

“Oh Leonard, I’m almost there baby”

“That’s right baby, cum for me” in that low gravelly voice you didn’t stand a chance at lasting longer. You bucked your hips as your release hit like a ton of bricks.

“That’s so good baby. You feel so good” he praised as he licked his fingers. You took his fingers and sucked on them after. “Ooh such a naughty girl”.

“Leonard”

“Mmhmm”

“Shut up and fuck me” you pulled him in for a hard kiss.

“Yes ma’am” He stood up and pulled down his pants and underwear as you pulled off your soaking panties.

He didn’t even try to be gentle and at this point you needed him so badly that you didn’t want him to be soft with you. He slipped in between your legs and inserted his cock to the hilt. He let out a low growl as you hissed at the pleasurable pain of it. He pulled almost all the way out and rammed himself into you again and again. The only sounds in the room were bodies slapping together and loud moans. He lifted one leg up and wrapped it around his waist to get himself an even deeper penetration.

“Oh my god, yes” you squeezed his biceps.

He pumped faster and harder and you felt the coil in your stomach tighten faster. And suddenly you were moaning out his name and he thrust a few more times before he released himself inside you. Panting heavily he slowly pulled out and laid down beside you. Both of your chests heaving, trying to calm down after the amazing orgasms.

He turned towards you and kissed you softly “I missed you so much”

“I missed you to Leonard” you rubbed the back of your hand down his cheek.

“You know I’m not sure I got a good reading. I might just have to take your temperature again” he shot you a toothy grin. You laughed “Oh my god you’re still a dork” and leaned in to kiss him again.

You heard your comm chirp “Kirk to Pike” and groaned as you leaned over and picked it up off your bedside table.

“Pike here sir”

“I just heard that you and Bones were fighting and yelling causing a commotion through the ship. You want to explain what part of everything will be fine did that fall under?” he commanded.

“I’m so sorry Jim. It’s fine now really” you tried to reassure him when Leonard reached over you and grabbed the comm.

“Look Jim she feels really broken up about that so she’s going to need to stay on bed rest for the rest of the day. Doctor’s orders. But don’t worry, I’ll give her a good once over to make sure she’s fit for duty tomorrow”

Jim heard you laughing in the background, shook his head smiling and shut his comm.

****

@imamotherfuckingstar-lord @nervousmemsie

#star trek# chris pine #kirk #jim kirk #spock #mccoy #bones #karl urban

7 Insane Ways Music Affects The Body (According to Science)

By Anthony Jurado

The world is chock full of ear hurt that some people willingly refer to as music. The Jonas Brothers, Lady Gaga, Conway Twitty; they all produce high quality records and 8-tracks for our enjoyment whether we like it or not. But music--even terrible music--has a stunning amount of power over our bodies. For instance science says music can... 7 Repair Brain Damage Slapping neuroscience right across the face, music is able to take stroke, lesion or other brain-damaged patients who have lost the partial ability to see or speak and return it to them. The Kenny Rogers Effect--not named because it deals with gorging yourself on chicken or replacing your old, grandfatherly face with a shiny new rubber one--takes patients with visual neglect, the inability to recognize half of what they see, and lightens the effects of the damage. Patients who only shave half their face or grab for the right boob at a strip club can now put that dollar bill in the left or right side of her thong. The Gambler never stops being awesome. Patients with left-side brain damage who can no longer speak can find they are able to sing words, often without trouble or training. After that, it's just a matter of time before they're able to speak simple sentences with practice. That may not sound like much, but if you've ever tried to order a side of fries with left-hand only charades you'll understand what a blessing this can be. How Does it Work? Melodic intonation therapy, or singing until you can talk, takes advantage of the fact that language functions are located in the left brain, but music lives over on the right side of the brain. So, when that asshole stroke robs you of your ability to speak, you can train your brain to move those functions to the other side by associating music with language. This essentially rewires a lifetime of growth and an entire history of evolution into meaninglessness interpretations of random head noises from a guy who hasn't shaved his beard since the 70s. Listening to actual non-terrible music has an additional effect, since pleasurable music releases dopamine that simply makes certain parts of your brain function better (particularly if they were damaged before). Dopamine is your brain's natural crack In a nutshell, music gives your brain a massage and fills it with happy chemicals, turning you from a one-eyed mute into an Island in the Stream. 6 Kick an Addiction As it turns out, performing music can be relaxing and can create a distraction from withdrawal symptoms; songwriting can help patients confront impulse control and self-deception and allows an output for negative emotions; hence the entire songbook of Raffi. It has even been found that listening to music can help aid the detox stage of recovery from drug addiction, and if applied frequently could cut down on the number of pain-killers patients need. Indeed, it turns out GWAR may be just as helpful as Percocet. How Does it Work? Music directly affects chemicals called neurotransmitters which relay information in our head. Drugs work in a similar way, except they make your brain lazy and convince it to stop making its own chemicals, because why do work when sweet China White is there to making everything all better? But when you stop taking drugs, your brain isn't making enough chemicals and it doesn't know why because it relies on those drugs to get enough, so your body fails to function correctly and you turn into Joaquin Phoenix. Introducing music can increase levels of some chemicals associated with heavy addictions, like dopamine and norepinephrine, but significantly cuts back on suzziness and the willingness to give blowjobs for your next fix. In addition, certain music lowers things like heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension, etc., that make you feel like killing everybody around you. Apparently the fact that half of the world's rock stars still wind up dead from overdoses despite music's addiction-breaking qualities is a testament to just how much those guys fucking love doing drugs. 5 Boost Your Immune System It may come as no surprise to all the Cracked readers who are also neuroscientists that music helps boost your immune system. For the rest of you, word is that intangible plinking noises can create a noticeable increase in recovery from a wide range of conditions, including heart disease, lung ailments and even the common cold. While the field of study is still young compared to fancy "real medicine" like "pharmaceuticals" and "penis phrenology" it turns out that sometimes all you need to overcome your horribly debilitating illness is AC/DC. How Does it Work? Music, like Jurassic Park's raptors, doesn't just attack from one side. That shit brings out a multi-pronged assault. To start, music reduces stress by reducing cortisol levels, a chemical in your brain that causes you to feel stress in the first place. Jazz, bluegrass and soft rock have been found to be especially effective at reducing stress and increasing health because of their similar musical qualities (that quality being that you don't listen to any of them). If you're wondering if your favorite music is helping your health, a good question to ask is, "Does this music make me want to riot?" If you answered yes, it's not an optimal medicine. Likewise, if your favorite musician's last name is Cyrus you're probably dooming yourself to a life of erectile dysfunction and diabetes. In addition to simply lowering stress levels, music also raises immune markers in your system, creating more antibodies to fight disease. Ironically, listening to Amy Winehouse could make you immune to all the potential diseases you'd be exposed to if you met Amy Winehouse. This effect is compounding: Over time, the body can learn to recognize certain types of music (particularly choir or classical music) as immune boosting, continuing the improvement of the immune system. As an added bonus, if you listen to choir music on a regular basis you're almost guaranteed to be immune to STDs as the odds of you ever having sex are quite slim. 4 Prevent Seizures Good news: If you're not one of those 150 suckers who get seizures from music, you may be one of the luckier ones who benefit from decreased seizure activity as a result of listening to music. This effect has even been observed in coma patients. Bet you feel better about being in a coma now. It's been shown that music by Mozart played on the piano reduces seizure-causing activity in the brain within five minutes of exposure, with many cases showing immediate results in what scientists should called Seizure Wolfgang-banging. Experimentation with other forms of music has been minimal, but for some reason there appears to be a connection between our brains and piano music. How Does it Work? It's theorized that "the superorganization of the cerebral cortex . . . may resonate with the superior architecture of Mozart's music" which is a sciencey way of saying that probably Mozart gets all up in your brain in ways the Hamburger Helper jingle only wishes it could. Really though, this is another one of those medical shrug moments, as scientists really haven't figured it out yet. Kind of unfulfilling, isn't it? "Mozart music hits a certain part of... There's a connection between the structure and a brain's... You see, with brain music... Oh fuck you, it just works OK?" 3 Return Lost Memories If you want music to help you but refuse to stop smoking pot, perhaps you can at least remember where you put your car keys. Or, more applicably, if you have Alzheimer's it could help you remember pieces of your past. Medical practitioners have found that music shows the potential to unearth memories associated with music for patients, even ones in late stages of dementia. So if you had your first kiss to the dulcet tones of Jefferson Starship, their terrible, terrible music could bring that memory right back for you. How Does it Work? Listening to music engages many areas of the brain in both hemispheres, which is why it can create brain activity other methods, like conversation, can't. Another area it engages is the hippocampus, which would be a hilarious name for a school for aquatic mammals but in reality is the less impressive region of the brain which handles long-term memory storage. When you listen to music you know, feelings associated with the song are returned by the hippocampus. Sometimes the memories even manage to come along with the relevant feelings, so hopefully no music was playing the first time anyone ever kicked you in the junk. Even if memories aren't recovered, emotions and attitudes are, allowing people who can't even remember who they are from day to day or why they loathe the FOX network so much to at least laugh and sing along with off key hopefuls on American Idol. 2 Increase Spatial Reasoning If only there were some way to make yourself seem smarter without working. Oh, wait, there is. Mozart music, especially piano music, can raise your spatial reasoning the equivalent of nine IQ points. And that's an average, meaning there are people who get even more of a boost from it. That's over half a standard deviation or the difference between being Leonardo DiCaprio in What's Eating Gilbert Grape or Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. Sure, you're not winning a Nobel Prize either way, but it's still a noticeable difference. How Does it Work? There are a lot of theories, but some claim that Mozart's music focuses the listener more, like how if you're in the midst of your sixth hour of questing in World of Warcraft you can still rain holy hell down on Hogger as long as you're listening to Ace of Spades. Others say it increases activity in crucial regions of the brain and a few industrious types say "who cares why it works, how can we make money off of this?" 1 Cure Parkinson's At this point, you may be asking, "Sure, music can fix my brain, but can it fix my body?" which would indicate you expect entirely too much from iTunes. No amount of power ballads is going to cure your heartburn or trim a few pounds off anyone's overly-gelatinous ass. However, if you have Parkinson's disease, it just might be able to help. Victims of Parkinson's suffer from muscle spasms, locking muscles, balance problems and sketchy scientists with kick ass time machines. As it turns out, applying music can instantly resolve the physical issues of Parkinson's in many victims. Take Rande Gedaliah, who was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 2003 and found she had muscle spasms, balance problems and difficulty walking. The disease eventually led to a serious fall in the shower. Things were looking pretty grim until one day she found out she could listen to music and suddenly be able to move with ease, the type of music determining the speed she walks at. We Are the Champions let her walk a slow clip and Born in the USA made her move faster still. Anything by Nickelback sent her spiraling into a rage. Ancient warriors listened to their Nickelback equivalent, thrashing and scraping bones on rocks, to produce a similar effect before combat. How Does it Work? When you're locked in your room, listening to your old N'Sync CDs, have you ever noticed your foot tapping on its own? That's not just because you have terrible taste in music. It's because the portions of the brain which deal with rhythm and movement are so automated that it requires no conscious attention to move to a beat. It's like your brain going behind your back to get things done because it knows it can't rely on you to bust an appropriate move when you hear "Bye Bye Bye." This movement isn't handled by the same process as walking up the stairs or hilariously farting with your armpit. Suddenly, patients with bradykinesia--an inability to initiate movement--can move instantly as their brain interprets the music and sends movement signals to their legs, essentially tricking their bodies into moving. We'll say that again for you: Music can trick your broken, unresponsive body into obedience. Think about it: How many times have you thrown your hands in the air? When that happened, did you just not care? Science says that's because you had no control. Music also helps other Parkinson's-related issues, including loss of balance and spasms. It's also been found that playing music creates an improvement in people with the disease, and drum circles are being used as treatment in music therapy groups, presumably because drums are cheaper than fancy-ass medical equipment, anyway.

http://www.cracked.com/article_18405_7-insane-ways-music-affects-body-according-to-science.html

Migraine Triggers and Helpful Treatments Dr. Mercola By Dr. Mercola Migraines affect an estimated 38 million Americans.1 They can strike both young and old, but a majority of sufferers are women, and/or between the ages of 35 and 55.2 Worldwide, as many as 1 billion people are affected,3 making migraine the third most prevalent illness in the world. Yet, despite its prevalence, researchers still struggle to understand exactly how and why migraines occur. Adding to the complexity, there are several different types of migraines, including:4,5 ✓ Cluster ✓ Chronic ✓ Episodic ✓ Basilar ✓ Hemiplegic ✓ Retinal ✓ Abdominal ✓ Optical ✓ With aura ✓ Without aura ✓ Status migrainous ✓ Transformed ✓ Menstrual ✓ Vestibular What Sets Migraine Apart From Other Headaches? Migraine attacks are typically recurring, of moderate to severe intensity, many times occurring only on one side of your head. Along with throbbing, piercing or "burning" pain, other common symptoms include nausea, visual disturbances, dizziness, numbness in your extremities or face, and extreme sensitivity to light, sound, smell and touch.6 An attack may last from a couple of hours to as long as three days, often requiring bed rest in complete darkness and silence. Generally speaking, migraine is thought to be a disorder of your central nervous system, most likely originating in your brain stem.7 While most brain regions do not register or transmit pain signals, the trigeminal nerve network does. Pain is relayed through the trigeminal network to an area in your brain stem called the trigeminal nucleus. From there, it is conveyed to the sensory cortex in your brain that is involved in awareness of pain and other senses. However, what initially activates your trigeminal nerve to set off your migraine is still under debate. One hypothesis is that a wave of neurotransmitters racing across your cortex can directly stimulate your trigeminal nerve, setting off a chain reaction that ends in the transmitting of pain signals. In all likelihood, there are several mechanisms at play. We know, for example, that migraine is more common in women than men, and this has been linked to hormonal influences. What Does a Migraine Feel Like? A migraine is more than just a bad headache.8 In a recent Greatist article, migraine sufferers were asked to describe their pain. Here are some of their answers:9 • "My head feels like it's in a vise." Triggers often include stress,10 weather changes, physical exertion, lack of sleep and/or eating the wrong foods. Artificial sweeteners11 such as aspartame are also known to commonly trigger migraine. Doctors suggest keeping a food diary to track the emergence of symptoms to pin down certain food triggers. You could do the same for weather and stress if you believe such factors may play a role. • It's "like when a light fixture starts to go out." This patient is describing the effects of ocular migraine, the onset of which often starts with flickering or flashing light phenomena, or zigzagging lines in the peripheral vision, which can eventually take over the entire field of vision. These visual disturbances are referred to as an "aura." Other common auras include blind spots, blurry, wavy or kaleidoscope vision. Auras can also involve other senses. For example, you may experience paresthesia (tingling or numbness), aphasia (trouble speaking), auditory hallucinations or smelling something that isn't there. Approximately one-quarter of all migraines are accompanied by aura, which is thought to be caused by a chemical or electrical wave in the brain region that processes sensory signals.12 • "It's like I've been staring at the sun." Oftentimes, the entire head, from the neck up, can feel overworked, "battered and bruised," or like your brain has been pounded with a hammer. Post-symptoms can also include a stiff neck for up to a day after the headache ends. • "Like I'm on a ship during a storm." Nausea and a feeling of being in motion is also common. Some Migraines May Indicate a More Serious Blood Vessel Problem One long-held theory was that a migraine is caused by vascular changes in your brain, from initial blood vessel constriction and a drop in blood flow, followed by dilation and stretching of blood vessels, which activates pain-signaling neurons. Newer studies have negated this theory, however, as researchers determined migraines are not actually preceded by constriction and decrease in blood flow, but rather by a blood flow increase of nearly 300 percent. Despite that, circulation appears normal, or even slightly reduced, once the attack is in full swing. The question remains: Why? One small observational study13 found that migraineurs tend to have a different blood vessel structure in their brains compared to those who do not get migraines. Using magnetic resonance angiography, the researchers examined the structure of blood vessels and the changes in cerebral blood flow, focusing on a system of arteries that deliver blood to the brain called "circle of Willis." They found that an incomplete circle of Willis was significantly more common in those who get migraines, with or without aura, compared to the control group (73 percent and 67 percent versus 51 percent, respectively). As a result, compared to those with a complete circle of Willis, those with an incomplete circle had greater asymmetry in hemispheric cerebral blood flow. According to one of the authors of the study, Dr. John Detre, a professor of neurology and radiology:14 "Abnormalities in both the circle of Willis and blood flow were most prominent in the back of the brain, where the visual cortex is located. This may help explain why the most common migraine auras consist of visual symptoms such as seeing distortions, spots or wavy lines." Interestingly, recent research15 suggests some migraines — primarily migraines without aura — may even be caused by a tear in your neck artery (arterial dissection), which raises your risk of stroke. Compared to people who had migraine with aura, those without aura were 1.7 times more likely to have an arterial tear. Arterial dissection and stroke was also more likely in men and those under the age of 39. Overall, your probability of having this problem is very low, but it may be worth getting it checked out if you fall into a high-risk category. Nutrient Deficiencies Linked to Migraine Download Interview Transcript Nutritional deficiencies can contribute to or cause a number of different health problems, including migraines. In the video above, "America's pharmacist" Suzy Cohen discusses drug-free solutions for migraine and headache relief, including nutritional supplements. Nutrients of particular importance here are vitamin D,16 magnesium, Coenzyme Q10 (CoQ10) and riboflavin (vitamin B2), and deficiencies in one or more of these is quite common. In a migraine study17 involving more than 7,400 children, teens and young adults, 16 to 51 percent of participants had below average levels of vitamins depending on the vitamin tested.18 Those suffering from chronic migraines were overall more likely to have CoQ10 and riboflavin deficiency compared to those with episodic migraines. Unfortunately, many of the patients in this study were prescribed preventive therapy and too few were given supplements alone for the researchers to determine if supplementation was enough to actually prevent migraines.19 However, other research suggests they can. For example, research using vitamin D supplementation demonstrated a reduction in C-reactive protein (CRP) and a statistically significant reduction in headache frequency.20 Another more recent study by Finnish researchers found that men with the lowest vitamin D levels were twice more likely to suffer frequent headaches than those with the highest levels. Overall, the lower the men's blood level of vitamin D, the more frequent their headaches. Those with a vitamin D blood level of 15.3 nanograms per milliliter (ng/mL) or lower typically had one or more headaches per week, while those with a level of 11.6 ng/mL or lower reported up to seven headaches per week. Ideally, your vitamin D level should be in the 40 to 60 ng/mL range, so both of these groups were severely deficient. As reported by Deming Headlight:21 "The researchers theorized that vitamin D has anti-inflammatory properties that prevent swelling in the sensory neurons and the microglial cells in the brain and is essential for proper brain function. In the study information, they also note that previous studies show vitamin D prevents musculoskeletal pain, a major cause of tension headaches." According to research presented at the 50th Annual Meeting of the American Headache Society22 in 2010, nearly 42 percent of patients with chronic migraine were deficient in vitamin D. The study also showed that the longer you suffered from chronic migraines, the more likely you are to be vitamin D deficient. Magnesium Is Empirically Recommended for All Migraine Sufferers Magnesium — which can affect both serotonin receptor function and the production and use of neurotransmitters — has also been shown to play an important role in the prevention and treatment of migraines, and migraine sufferers are more likely to suffer from magnesium deficiency than non-migraineurs.23 Researchers theorize that migraine sufferers may develop magnesium deficiency from a variety of reasons, including poor absorption, renal wasting, increased excretion due to stress or low nutritional intake. Since magnesium administration is both easy and safe, researchers have noted that empiric treatment with a magnesium supplement is justified for all migraine sufferers.24 As a prophylactic, be prepared to boost your magnesium intake for at least three months to experience results, ideally in combination with CoQ10. In many cases, receiving a high dose of magnesium can also abort an attack in progress. The most effective way to administer magnesium for migraine would be to get an intravenous (IV) infusion. I used to regularly administer magnesium IVs for those with acute migraines and it seemed to work for most patients to abort the headache. Barring that option, magnesium threonate may be your best option for an oral supplement. It has superior absorbability compared to other forms of magnesium, and since its ability to cross the blood-brain barrier makes it more likely to have a beneficial effect on your brain. B Vitamins Are Also Important Besides CoQ10, magnesium and vitamin D, other vitamin deficiencies linked to migraines include riboflavin (B2), B6, B12 and folic acid. One 2009 study25 evaluated the effect of 2 mg of folic acid, 25 mg vitamin B6 and 400 micrograms (mcg) of vitamin B12 in 52 patients diagnosed with migraine with aura. Compared to the placebo group, those receiving these supplements experienced a 50 percent reduction in migraine disability over a six-month period. Previous studies26 have also reported that high doses of riboflavin can help prevent migraine attacks. For example, in one study patients who received 400 mg of riboflavin per day experienced a 50 percent reduction in migraine frequency after three months. Are You Eating Plenty of These Foods? Although supplements are convenient, it's important you get as many nutrients from your diet as possible, as your body can metabolize and absorb vitamins and minerals from your diet more effectively and efficiently than from most supplements. In addition to adding foods rich in magnesium, riboflavin and CoQ10 to your daily diet, look for organic, grass fed products to reduce your exposure to toxins and additional stressors. As for vitamin D, sensible sun exposure is your best bet. If you opt for a vitamin D3 supplement, be sure to increase your vitamin K2 and magnesium as well. • Foods Rich in Magnesium27 • Dark leafy greens • Nuts and seeds • Wild Alaskan salmon • Avocado • Bananas • Yogurt made from organic and/or grass fed milk with no added sugars • Foods Rich in Riboflavin28 • Spinach • Beet greens • Tempeh • Crimini Mushrooms • Pastured eggs • Asparagus • Almonds • Foods Rich in CoQ1029 • Grass fed beef • Herring • Organic pastured chicken • Sesame seeds • Broccoli • Cauliflower Are Migraines a Mitochondrial Problem? The fact that nutritional deficiencies worsen migraine and supplementation can ease it lends support to the theory that migraines are a mitochondrial disorder.30 Ubiquinol — the reduced form of CoQ10 — plays a vital role in ATP production, which is the basic fuel for your mitochondria. Your body does produce ubiquinol naturally; in fact it is the predominant form in most healthy cells, tissues and organs. However, with rampant pollution and poor diet, mitochondrial dysfunction has become increasingly common, warranting supplementation with either ubiquinol or CoQ10. One study published in the journal Neurology31 found that CoQ10 was superior to a placebo in preventing migraines and reducing severity. Of the patients who received 100 milligrams (mg) of CoQ10 three times a day, 50 percent reported significantly reduced frequency of headaches compared to only 14 percent of those who took the placebo. Other research has shown that ubiquinol is far more effective than CoQ10 due to its superior bioavailability, so while it costs more, it may provide you with better results. That said, while ubiquinol may be beneficial, for long-term migraine relief you really need to address your diet in a more comprehensive manner. One of the most effective strategies to optimize your mitochondrial function is nutritional ketosis and, indeed, a ketogenic diet may be quite beneficial if you struggle with migraines. As explained by the Migraine Relief Center:32 "The links between diet and migraine are well established. Most migraineurs recognize certain foods that either trigger an attack or make an episode worse … The ketogenic diet, while not new, has been found to have a beneficial effect for some migraine patients, and research into how this diet works provides interesting links to migraine causes that may encourage sufferers to experiment … Ketones are produced when the body burns fat for energy instead of carbohydrates (glucose). A ketogenic diet is very low in carbohydrates … Anti-seizure medications originally intended for those with epilepsy are often prescribed to migraine sufferers. These medications typically block glutamate (a neurotransmitter), high concentrations of which are often found in both migraine and epilepsy patients. As ketones block high concentrations of glutamate, a ketogenic diet can have a beneficial effect for migraine sufferers." This is another reason to consider picking up a copy of "Fat for Fuel" that teaches you in great detail how to shift your body to burn fat as your primary fuel and generate ketones, which improve mitochondrial function just like CoQ10. But there are many other biohacks to improve this as well, including exercise, cold thermogenesis, infrared light and optimally cycling your eating between feast and fasting modes. Keeping your mitochondria functioning at their highest level will not only prevent migraines but also cancer, heart disease and neurodegenerative diseases like Alzheimer's, ALS and Parkinson's. Migraine Prevention 101: Avoid Triggers Migraine medications only work about half of the time in 50 percent of those taking them. They can also cause severe side effects, including medication overuse headache, which often occurs when you take too much or use it too frequently. Worse yet, if you take tryptamine-based drugs (which bind to serotonin receptors to constrict your cranial blood vessels) but your pain is not due to engorged blood vessels, then constricting them can potentially do harm. Serious cardiovascular events, including heart attack and stroke, are in fact side effects of these types of drugs. Your best bet, really, is to try to pin down the root causes of your migraine rather than rely on medication each time one strikes. Your first step would be to avoid any potential triggers. While there are many (and what triggers a migraine for one might not trigger it in another), the following are some of the most common. Keeping a journal where you record and track suspected triggers can help you determine any correlations: ✓ Food and drink, especially wheat and gluten, dairy, cane sugar, yeast, corn, citrus, eggs, artificial preservatives or chemical additives, cured or processed meats, alcohol (especially red wine and beer), aspartame, caffeine and MSG.33,34 ✓ Allergies, including food allergies35 and food sensitivities and chemical sensitivities. Research published in the journal Lancet back in 197936 showed migraineurs with food antigen immunoreactivity experienced profound relief when put on an elimination diet. Another randomized, double-blind, cross-over study published in 201037 found that a six-week-long diet restriction produced a statistically significant reduction in migraines in those diagnosed with migraine without aura. If you suspect you might have a food allergy, I suggest doing a diet elimination challenge to see if your symptoms improve. Keep in mind that depending on your typical migraine frequency, you may need to avoid the suspected food for a few weeks in order to evaluate whether it had an effect or not. To confirm the results, reintroduce the food or drink on an empty stomach. If the suspected food is the culprit, you will generally be able to feel the symptoms return within an hour, although migraines can sometimes have a longer lag time than, say, bloating or drowsiness. ✓ Hormones: Some women experience migraines before or during their periods, during pregnancy or during menopause. Others may get migraines from hormonal medications like birth control pills or hormone replacement therapy. ✓ External stimuli: Bright lights, fluorescent lights, loud noises and strong smells (even pleasant ones) can trigger and/or exacerbate a migraine. Blue light in particular can be problematic. Many digital devices and LED light sources emit mostly blue light. Research has found that this light increases your migraine pain and activates your trigeminal nerve, associated with the pain of migraines.38 Meanwhile, green light may help ease migraine pain and photosensitivity.39 ✓ Changes in sleeping cycle, either missing sleep and oversleeping. ✓ Stress/Post-stress. Any kind of emotional trauma can trigger a migraine, even after the stress has passed. ✓ Dehydration and/or hunger. Skipping meals or fasting are also common triggers. ✓ Physical exertion: Extremely intense exercise, or even sex, has been known to bring on migraines. ✓ Weather changes, and/or changes in altitude. Acupuncture and Chiropractic May Be Helpful Adjuncts to Migraine Treatment While I believe cleaning up your diet (avoiding food triggers and allergic ingredients, and going ketogenic, which I explain in great detail in my new book, "Fat for Fuel") and avoiding other triggers listed above, acupuncture may be a helpful adjunct therapy. Recent research found getting regular acupuncture treatments helped reduce the frequency and severity of migraine attacks in those suffering from migraine without aura.40,41,42 In all, 249 adult migraineurs who reported two to eight migraine attacks per month were included in the study. They were randomly assigned to receive either 20 real acupuncture treatments or 20 sham treatments over four months. Among those receiving the real treatment, migraine frequency declined by about three episodes per month, while the sham group had two attacks less per month. According to the authors, "Acupuncture should be considered as one option for migraine prophylaxis in light of our findings." It's interesting to note that even sham treatment had a significant response. Indeed, previous research has shown the placebo effect can be a potent tool in the prevention and treatment of migraines and other types of pain. As noted by neurologist Dr. Amy Gelfand, while the placebo response is troublesome for researchers, it can be a very beneficial effect for patients, especially when the treatment is otherwise safe, be it acupuncture or sugar pills.43 Chiropractic adjustments have also helped many patients, but not all chiropractors are skilled with the techniques to address migraine, so before you schedule an appointment it is important to confirm that your chiropractor has significant experience in helping people treat their migraines.

The inner workings of a twisted mind.

March 17, 1988. The inner workings of a twisted mind. Have you ever looked at an insane person and wondered, “What goes on inside their mind? What makes them tick?” Well, I could answer that. I myself, may not be insane, but I have questioned my sanity before, what with the recent events and all. Think of it like this, their are two types of dogs, feral, and domesticated. Domesticated dogs are innocent, cute and cuddly, and so is the sane person’s mind. Most people have their dark fantasies, their bad thoughts, but it’s just human nature to be curious of the bad aspects of life. Then, there’s the feral dog, wild, crazy, aggressive, and unpredictable. Sound familiar? These, are the characteristics of your typical insane asylum patients. Inside their minds, is the perverseness of humanity, it’s darkness, and it’s chaotic nature. One might even say, that the true insane people are those that are called sane. Hehe… How does insanity start? Well, that’s a well known fact. Any number of traumatic events can chip away at a man’s sanity… abuse, mental, physical, emotional, and even sexual can chip away at one’s sanity. Tragedy, rather it be the death of one’s pet, a loved one, or even just watching someone die can chip away at one’s sanity. Serving the military on the front lines is often the worst, as it taxes the mind, and chips away at one’s empathy and their sanity, often leading to contracting PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. Events like these can be treated with help, but what happens when that help doesn’t come? Things progress, and the mind becomes twisted, and dark. The mind reverts to a near feral state, it’s amygdala becomes less active, their emotions are cast aside, and they begin to become emotionless, and lose their empathy. The brain’s cerebral cortex also becomes effected, as their ability to make good decisions is impaired, and they begin to do stupid things. The thought process isn’t quite impaired, but it is often changed. Some become much more fanatical, and more careful with their actions. An insane person is often the most hardest to catch when they become serial killers, as their thought process is often too complex to predict. You may be wondering how I know all of this… well, let’s just say, that I live be with these same people I have spoken about today. I was wrongly accused of being insane, they thought I killed my wife, and my kid, but it really wasn’t me. They found my fingerprints on the weapon, but I swear, I’m not crazy. I was framed. From: Clause.

March 23, 1988 The day it all began. I thought that today would be a good day to write about what happened that fateful day. I drove home from work, I was an accountant for some major business. Life droned on there, but, there was always that silver lining. The silver lining, of course, was my wife, and daughter. My wife, Mary, was a kind, and caring woman. She was always there for me, and she gave me Sarah, the joy in my life. Sarah was an average eight year old, but she was just as kind as Mary was. I came home that day, the thought of dinner fresh on my mind. I walked in the room, “Honey! I’m ho- oh god…” there, on the floor, was my wife and daughter, their throats slit. I ran to them, and held them, their blood getting on my arms and body. I cried, and then I saw their assailant. It was a man in a large, black trench coat, one that seemed to meld into his body, seemingly looking like he painted himself with black ink, his entire face was covered by a massive fedora. His trench coat was coated in blood, and he held the bloody knife in his gloved hand. He threw the knife to the ground, and ran, his trench coat billowing behind him. I was going to run after him, so I picked up the knife, and went to run to the door, but then a cop busted the door down. “Stop right there! Your under arrest, drop the knife, and come peacefully!” I tried to talk to him, but he shot me with his taser, and I fell down, unconscious before I even hit the floor. I woke up in a jail cell, and was promptly greeted by a short, fat man in a suit and tie, with a badge attached to it. “Well, good morning sleepy beauty.” I tried to stand up, and heard the clicking of chains, I was hand cuffed to the table. I looked around, and the room’s walls were padded, I wasn’t in an interrogation room, I was in a padded cell in an insanity ward. “What’s….. what’s going on?!” He glared at me, then thrusted a file at me, gesturing for me to open it. I did, and there were pictures of my wife and my daughter, my stomach wrenched, and I gagged back my vomit. “Why? Why aren’t you going after the guy who did this? You’re just fucking with me instead!” I sat there, breathing heavily, and he just looked at me, impassively. “We have the killer, and he’s locked up in a looney bin, with me. D'you get it? Your the killer. Your fingerprints were found on the knife, and their blood was on you. If that ain’t incriminating, then I don’t know what is.” I was, to say the least, pissed off. “What if- what if I just told you who I found? Huh? Will you believe me then?!” His eyebrow raised, and he grabbed his notepad. “Tell me what he looked like. His eyes, his hair, his facial features. The whole nine yards.” I looked down, “He wore a pitch black trench coat, a black Fedora, and black pants. His fedora was large enough to obscure his features. That’s all I saw, I’m sorry I can’t be of more help… but please. I didn’t kill Mary and Sarah… there the only reason I haven’t gone crazy yet, I would never hurt them. When that cop arrived, I was trying to chase after the trench coat man, but the cop wouldn’t listen to me when I-” he slammed the table, his face flushed with anger, “You threatened to kill that officer! You were speaking gibberish! What makes you think that I’d believe you, ya psychopath?” I sat down, and decided to shut up. “Look, kid. I get it, you came home, your family was dead, and ya snapped, that’s enough to screw anybody up. So, ya snapped, didn’t see the killer, and made up this, trench coat wearing man, who obviously doesn’t exist. We’ll keep ya here, safe and sound, just in case he or she returns to get ya.” I nodded, but in the back of my mind, something was wrong. I knew he didn’t believe me, and I knew I was going to be blamed. And here I’ve been ever since, it’s been almost three months since then, and I’ve learned how blend in, they have me take these, pills…. but I refuse to take them, because another thing I learned is how to hide my pills behind my tongue, could someone insane do that? In a week, i’m going to escape from this place, and find the trench coated man, and make him pay! I’m not crazy! I swear, I’m just… well, it seems that my times up once again, if I succeed in killing this trench coated man, then people Will hear about it in the newspaper, if not, then they won’t, and maybe…. maybe I am crazy. From: Clause

March 30, 1988 My final day in hell. This is it, my final day in this wretched place. I have nothing to say, so I’ll just tell how the last week was. When I got out of the faculty room to get a new pen, I ran back to my room, and thanked my friend for causing the distraction I needed. The days after were spent being a good little mental patient, being on my best behavior, and even eating their slop, which I’m looking forward to being rid of. Then, there’s what I’m going to do next. Nothing, because I’ll be dead too. I plan on ending my life, I refuse to live in this world without my wife and child, and deal with whatever heinous punishment awaits me for not only escaping this damned place, but also murdering someone. They’ll probably send me back, or put me in a maximum security facility, in a straight jacket. But I won’t do it, and I refuse to spend one minute more than I need to in this hell-hole or any other. I plan on escaping by causing one, final, distraction, and steal the keys, then get to the roof, which I placed a rope up there I made with bed sheets, I pray to god they hold, and rappel my way down. Then, I’ll go to my old house, grab my pocket knife, and find him, I know he’s looking for me, waiting! I know your out there, you bastard… Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it! They just came into my room, held me down, and injected me! Now, I know I’m not crazy. My mind is addled, I can’t fucking think, and to make matters worse, they saw my pen. I’m now reduced to writing with a blunt pencil I found and keep in my underwear as a back up, they pushed me down onto my paper, so luckily they didn’t see it, so I should still be able to escape. I’m going to wait until tonight, and I’m going to record the audio of my encounter with this bastard, then the whole world will know, that I’M NOT CRAZY!!!!! AND I NEVER WAS!!!

March 31, 1988 Poor fool. Oh, how the foolish can fail. That poor man thought he found me, but the medicine he took addled his brain, thought he saw me, but he instead saw a vagrant wearing an old muddy trench coat, he then slit his throat, and his own. If he had just gone a little further, he would have found me, and he would have had his chance at revenge, though he would have failed. Who am I? I am the trench coat man, as that’s what he calls me, so I will take that mantel. I am not a monster, I am not a demon, nor am I ghost. I am just a man, a man with a twisted mind. I revel in the pain of others, and I will revel in the next person’s pain, and the cycle will begin anew. More pain, more death, and more suicide, all for my pleasure.