feeling like a princess

Rating all* the Hellfire Gala 2023 Outfits in my Correct Opinion

*At least, all that I can find, because Marvel decided fuck making that easy in a little book or a single post like last year.

(Long post alert!)

Iceman, I love most of this look. The accented orange is perfect for the mostly blue look, and I love that he has a matching earring for his cuff-links. Such a nice touch! But those rubber boots, man... those rubber boots ruin it for me. 8/10

Fisk is giving off some Doctor Doom vibes with this outfit. I love the regalness of it, especially the golden leaves behind the ear. 9/10

??? I'm not sure who this is, but their outfit looks like they're going to a Halloween party rather than a gala. 3/10

Emma, oh my god, YES. Almost always delivering, and this is definitely one of those cases! 10/10

Xavier... I hate to say it, but I genuinely love this look. He's bringing major space man vibes, and it's super elegant at the same time. 9/10

Bishop doesn't even get points for effort. He got a red suit then slapped some belts on it. Boring as fuck. 1/10

I was about to write another "???" because I had no idea who this was, until it occurred to me that I think this is supposed to be Scarlet Witch? Except she is super duper whitewashed, so I did not even recognize her. Auto-failure regardless of the look. 0/10

Proteus looks moderately snazzy, but out of the Five is the least interesting in my opinion. 3/10

Egg has a cool coat, but those balls around his neck are way too big and awkward. 4/10

Hope looks a little like a fairy princess here, and I like that! 7/10

Tempus looks like she's going to a prom more than a gala, and I don't know what's going on with that giant shoulder piece. Did Cable lend it to her or something? 4/10

Elixir, my golden boy, is embracing the shiny and I love it! 9/10

Exodus seems to be trying out a new costume rather than a gala look, but in terms of style, it's fine. 5/10

Vision's outfit is as boring as he is. 1/10

Miles, holy shit. Miles should be giving lessons to everyone else on how to actually make a suit look unique! Bishop, take notes. 9/10

Old Laura looks like she's dressed for a gothic funeral more than a gala, but at least that's to her style rather than some crazy OOC look. So, points for that. 5/10

T'Challa... I. Am. Swooning. I know he's not a king right now but damn does he ever look like it in this outfit. The beautiful patterns and complimentary colours, holy shit. 10/10

Synch has certainly done way better in the past. It's just a plain black suit without a shirt, for fuck sake. 2/10

Captain Marvel looks like she's a marching bad, lol. The stars in the hair are a nice touch, though. 3/10

Jean's look is, I know, divisive. I've seen some people say they adore this design, and some people say they hate it. I'm personally on the fence. I think it would be better without the stupid helmet, that's for sure. And I think it looks a little too much like an Emma Frost design, if you were to just colour it white. 5/10

Fantomex? Where the fuck have you been? Anyway, he literally just looks like he always looks but with some sunglasses lmfao. 0/10

Dylan looks like a moody teen as ever, lol. I do like the black and white though. 6/10

Black Cat... Like I said, I like black and white together, but this is giving me too much Cruella de Vil vibes. 4/10

Mary Jane just picked up an evening gown off the rack I guess. 2/10

Firestar, I think? Not actually positive if it's her. Anyway, the sleeves are a bit too much for me, but I love the fiery frills on the cape. 5/10

Thor looks so ugly here lmfao I'm sorry but I hate this look. It's way too clunky. 0/10

At first I thought this was Kwannon, but then I remembered seeing panels and I believe it's Kitty/Kate. Anyway, I like the lace-up boots and I like the frills. 7/10

Hellcat looks like she's took some inspiration from a wrestler's pre-fight look, and I like that. It's simplistic but just enough stylish to pass. 6/10

Nova, going with a tits out look as well I see. I like the feathered shoulder pads, and I like the skirt. 6/10

Moon Knight, oh my god, I have a strong feeling it was Steven who pulled the strings to get a gala look, because there's no fucking way Marc or Jake would be caught dead there. Anyway, this is exactly the type of vibe I would expect from MK, maybe even a bit more playful than that with the mesh part of the top. And I really like it up until the strange boots. He and Iceman must've compared notes or something. Still, 8/10

Psylocke - now THIS is Kwannon for sure! I like the classical ninja meets evening gown look, and I like that she's sexy but not to the point of being objectified, which is a refreshing change for how artists often treat her. 8/10

Destiny and Mystique I will rate together because the score is the same: A what the fuck level of 0/10.

Forge looks fucking awesome, especially compared to last year. I love the fringe and the scarf and the jewellery and the cane... it's a complete look that gives me great vibes. 8/10

Cyclops, come on, man. You can do better than this, can't you? He looks like Mister Sinister dressed him or something. 1/10

Cuckoos look like they stepped off the set of Tron: Legacy. Or a Daft Punk concert. Not complaining to be clear, this look fucks. 10/10

I was made aware yesterday that I might be Valedictorian. I have really bad anxiety, especially speaking in public. My school knows this. I haven't told my parents yet but I know they will get contacted eventually if I am going to be Valedictorian. I told them that I didn't want to be and they just gave me a look. Surely I can't be force to do it lol. On top of that my prom is in 2 weeks, the weekend after Easter. I still haven't found a dress. I got to go after school and go shopping around again. All the prom dresses that I have seen isn't my style and they seem way to old for me to wear. They are like something you would see on a red carpet. Like these days prom dresses are low cut, slit up the side and completely bare back. Which is fine if that's your style but my ass ain't going to be dancing and have something come popping out lmfao. I might have to look into used bridemaid dresses and than redoing them myself. I am looking for that more late 90s style long prom dress that's either silk or velvet or both with spaghetti straps. They have some online but they are not guaranteed to be here in time.

Congrats anon!

Also relax, it's almost over and they usually have someone help you with your speech :D

I graduated in top 10%

survey #134

Who owns the computer you are on? Me.

What is your first childhood memory? I'm pretty sure it's watching my brother slide down our playset slide into the flood of Hurricane Floyd lmao, I woulda been close to four. That one single day I was at daycare also comes to mind; don't feel like telling it again cuz I did very recently in one of these. I can't remember exactly how old I was, though.

Ever been in love? Twice.

Are you in love now? Yes.

Look left: What do you see? The closet, and my purse and camera bag hanging from each handle.

Look right: What do you see? The window.

Can you say the alphabet backwards? No, I've never been able to. I have to think too hard.

Ever had a long-distance relationship? One, yeah.

Ever had an online relationship? ^ same one. Granted, we visited each other a few times, but still.

Would you ever do it/do it again? I very highly doubt it.

What do you hear right now? I have "Ausländer" by Rammstein on.

Do you like scary movies? Yes.

Ever gotten a prank phone call? Not that I remember.

What was the last thing you had to drink? The strawberry-flavored carbonated water I basically live off of.

Who is the most annoying person you know? My sister's fucking husband, of the people I personally know. I don't wish anyone to go through a divorce, I seriously don't, but god I wish Ashley wasn't with him, for MANY reasons.

If you were one of Snow White’s seven dwarfs, which one would you be? Uh, just by Googling them (I don't remember the detailed parts of their characters), probably Sleepy lmao

How much sleep did you get last night? Idk, but more than the night before, thankfully. I was in a terrible mood and laid down early, so I know that helped getting me to go to sleep.

Have you ever kissed the same gender? Yes.

Do you get aroused by anything unusual? Not anything absolutely off the wall but like more "normal"/established less common things if you get me lmao

How/when did you have your first orgasm? As embarrassing as this story is it's also funny as fuck to me but basically this came very close to happening Once aND I WAS SO ALARMED BY/PANICKING OVER HOW MY BODY FELT THAT WE STOPPED LMAOOOOOOOOOOO waiting for it to go away was the worst

In what places other than a bedroom have you had sex? Literal sex, zero, but adjacent things, like the couch and as a teenager on the floor, good fucking luck getting my knees to do that shit now lmfao

When was the last time you were angry, and why? Last night, I'm being so fucking bad about not eating and I was paying for it til I finally had a sandwich because I'd developed a bad headache and was extremely weak.

Are you a romantic? I think I am, been told so.

Would you ever own a poodle? Would I rescue one, possibly, but I wouldn't seek that breed out deliberately.

What’s your best friend’s favorite color? Teal.

What color was your senior prom dress? Black.

Who’s your favourite voice actor? What’s the best thing they’ve been in? I don't have a strong opinion here, but holy shit I DO love Christopher Judge, especially as Kratos in the last two God of War games, like holy shit that voice belongs to a prehistoric-sized bear.

Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? If you’re an introvert, do you feel like you live in a world built for extroverts? Introvert, and to answer the second question, absolutely yes. I firmly believe success and financial stability generally favors them.

Is there anything (a hobby, for example) that’s guaranteed to always make you feel better when you’ve had a bad day? Not completely without fail, no.

If you have pets, do you snuggle with them when you’re having a bad time? Does it make you feel better? No. Roman, surprisingly, doesn't like being held; he kinda freaks out when he knows his ability to move is limited.

What did you get the last time you went out for fast food? Taco Bell.

How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had in 2014? I was only with Jason in '14.

What would you tell to your eighth grade self? girl you're 100% Not straight and fuck any religion that tells you loving somebody is wrong

Can you curse around your parents? Mom's not a fan of hearing me say "fuck," but it still happens. I do try to say it less around her, though. Dad doesn't give a shit.

What does your mom say about the pictures on your Tumblr? screaming over this question bc it's just a thirst trap of German men around + literally her age hELP I'd take a shotgun blast to the shin before I let her see my Tumblr lmfao

What was the last thing you and your parents argued about? I haven't argued with my dad in many years, I have zero idea what our last argument was. I can't remember what Mom and I last fought about either.

Would you tattoo someone’s name on your body? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Do you believe “Once a cheater, always a cheater?” No; people should be allowed to learn, grow, and change. Does that mean you have to forgive a cheater, no, because I wouldn't either, but don't just assume because someone's done it once that they're 100% gonna do it again.

Think back to the last person you kissed. How many times have you cried in their arms? Quite a few.

What’s an interesting fact about you that not many people know? I guess that I'm a carrier of inactive MRSA, that's not something that's almost ever relevant to a conversation.

If you had the chance to move to a completely different state/country, would you? No, I'm not leaving my family or Girt, and even if he came, I'm not pulling him away from what's left of his family.

Do you currently feel any sadness? I'm super thankfully fine this morning, can't say the same for last night at all. I did start my period overnight however and it's VERY normal for me to have a hellish day before starting so it is reassuring to know there was a reliable reason why I was so bad last night.

Do you ever feel like people use you? No, it's not like I have much to offer people.

Can you sleep with your eyes open? I've never been told I do this.

Last kiss, when and who: Last Saturday, with Girt.

Northernmost state you’ve been to: New York.

Turning 21 was (will be): I was in the psych hospital on my 21st birthday lol, it's a sad memory. There is some sweetness in it though, with how much everyone tried to make it a good day for me. I wound up with a slice of cake and cried when everyone sang happy birthday at dinner, crying now a bit remembering it.

Think you’ll live to be 100? Absolutely not.

What does the shirt you are wearing look like? It's just a gray tank top.

Which YouTuber do you feel like you could be friends with easily? Emzotic is one. She's primarily a pet channel and animal educator with one HELL of an abuse trauma recovery story and is just a FANFUCKINGTASTIC person with so much light in her, I adore her. Honestly need to get back into watching her actual videos more, I mostly just know what's going on with her through Instagram.

Do you think you will dye your hair when you start going gray? I plan on always dyeing my hair, when I can afford it. I just really, really love colorful hair.

Who is that last good musician or band you discovered? Uh, maybe Ghost?

What color was the house you grew up in? It was red brick with an I'm pretty sure white wooden porch.

Say something in a foreign language? Uhhhh ich heiẞe Brittany, eine 27-jährige Frau, und iche lebe im North Carolina von der(?) USA.

What is something you enjoy learning about? Meerkats and really just animals + nature as a whole, as well as the ^ language because WOW I'm RUSTY Y'ALL and I just think learning a foreign language is really fucking cool and fun, it's like learning a secret code lmfao

What is a weather type that you like that not many others do? Snow. We don't really get dangerous amounts of snow here, ever, so I know that plays a big role in me loving it, but still, it's so pretty!!

How important is music in your life? VERY

Do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (i.e. Abortion being wrong/right, meat-eating being wrong/right)? ONLY if these opinions are attacking/invalidating/dictating people. Because then it's not just an opinion: you're hurting and in MANY cases restraining the rights of others. THEN I'm mad.

If you like to take pictures, what is your motivation? With nature, it's mostly to show others just how fucking gorgeous and worthy of protection it is. If I'm taking pictures of people, it's definitely to try to capture that memory as accurately as I can so when I or others look back at it, they can basically experience it again.

What are some weird things about you? Definitely how I eat breakfast biscuits lol (I take it apart and eat each thing individually), I don't like watching TV by myself (and even with other people I often don't enjoy it), I have super fucking dry eyebrows (like, skin flakes off), people regularly pick fun at how picky I am with food and things I can't stand, I hate being on the beach (unless I'm in the water), I love a lot of animals people don't and/or are scared of, I've never been drunk (which I absolutely don't consider to be a bad thing, but c'mon, that's not something you really see in 27-year-olds), my hair mindboggles professional hairdressers with how it reacts to attempts to color it, and apparently I have 20/20 vision in my left eye but my right is astonishingly severe in vision. Oh, speaking of eyes, apparently I have pretty large pupils too, like there have been a number of times at the eye doctor where they didn't even need to dilate them because they're often already large enough.

Who do you know personally that has a nice singing voice? Girt.

Would you ever wear snake-skin pants, or other animal clothing? Absolutely, positively not.

Do you like to have your own space? Are you independent? Yes, but no, I am extremely dependent probably to the point of disorder and I hate it.

If you met your favorite musician, what would you ask him/her? oh fuck idk

Do you think video games cause people to become violent? lol no, this is so fucking dumb

What was the last word you learned? Huh I actually can't remember, but it was recent.

u kno what i think im gonna fashion a last minute Danknerys Tokegaryen costume lmfao

Survey #321

i’m exploring the deepest recesses of tumblr to unearth super old surveys, so you can expect an onslaught of ‘em.

When someone is tailgating you, do you drive faster or slower? I drive the same speed, even though it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. What place outside of your own home do you spend the most time at? My sister's place. Have you ever been snorkeling? No. Do most of your relatives live in the same state/province as you? No; only my parents and immediate sisters live here. Have you ever participated in a medical study? No. Is there a food you hate that everyone else seems to like? Especially where I live, fried chicken. It's disgusting. Have you ever had to evacuate from a natural disaster? No. Do you have any family members who are cancer survivors? Numerous, actually. Do you have any licenses other than your driver's license? I don't even have a driver's license, never mind anything else. What job does you significant other have? I’m single. When you were in elementary school, what was a typical afternoon like once you got home from school? I did my homework right away; well, after having a snack. After that, I was most likely on the computer playing Neopets or Webkinz, or something on the PlayStation. Is your favorite movie part of a series? Yes. Have you ever played in a water puddle? Sure, as a kid. I loved that. Have you ever played in a mud puddle? I don't think so. Have you ever kissed someone (outside) in the rain? Yes. He did it purely to be romantic, lol. Have you ever lost control of your car in the rain? No, thank fuck. Have you ever had to attend summer school? No. Have you ever experienced a summer where the temperature exceeded 120'F/49'C? Yikes, no, not that high. The highest we usually get is below 110. Do you live in a hot or cold (normally) climate? Hot. It sucks. Has your community ever had a “smog alert”? No. Have you ever raked leaves, and then played in them? Oh, absolutely as a kid. Dad would rake a pile just for us kids. Have they ever cancelled school because it was too hot? At least once, yes. Have you ever had to shovel snow? No. Have you ever experienced “cat’s breath”, where the wind was so powerful it took your breath away, literally? Yep, especially when I visited Sara and we went on a walk. It was fucking outrageous. Safe to say I didn't last long on that walk. Has your/or have you been in a car that was stuck in a snowstorm? No. What does your MySpace profile look like? I haven't seen it since that site was still "a thing." I do remember, however, that it was COVERED in meerkats, haha. Pictures, facts, etc. And my page song was "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Beddingfield lmao. Do you like living in the country or city better? Country, 100%. I'm not a city gal by any means. Do you have a big backyard? No, it's very small. Not used to that at all. What is your favorite Adam Sandler movie? I don't know, he's in too many to choose lmao. What was the last thing that surprised you? Apparently a rocket crashed today after launch. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown. Have you ever visited your state’s capitol building? No. I... didn't even know those existed lmao I feel dumb. Who was the last person that said something that warmed your heart? I'm not sure, but I'm quite certain my niece or nephew would be involved there, haha. What is your favorite park? I don't have one. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Do you believe anyone is asexual? ???????????? Yes???????????? Were you abused? No. Have you ever missed a deadline? Yeah. Can you tell Mary-Kate and Ashley apart in pictures? I haven't seen them in an eternity, idk. Describe your fondest memory: I don't really want to... but I'll entertain the question. It's hard to choose, and they just about all include Jason. I think what I hold closest though was our dance to "Stairway to Heaven" after prom in the headlights of his car in my front yard. It's something that physically hurts to remember. What song makes you cry every time you hear it? Let's set aside my "trigger songs" for this. "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade does it very easily. How often do you break your promises? I almost never do. I don't bullshit around with promises. I've only ever broken ones I'd forgotten I'd made, if my memory serves me right. How long do you take in the shower, on average? Not even 10 minutes. Do you have your MySpace/Facebook profile set to a "friends only" setting? Yes. Did your last kiss mean anything? Why or why not? Of course it did. I care very, very deeply for her. Are your summers usually boring and relaxing, or busy and interesting? "Summers are hot and miserable." <<<< mood Tell me a crazy thing you did as a child. I don't really think I did anything "crazy" as a child, just weird. Like pretending to be a father penguin arranging rocks to mock a nest. I was fuckin weird. How many best friends do you have? One. When you’re upset, who do you wanna talk to the most? Either Sara, Mom, or nobody. Opinion on Daughtry? They're nice. "No Surprise" is positively beautiful. Do you like country music? Noooooo. What’s been the most awkward situation you've been in? Okay, possible TMI. Basically, Jason's parents arrived home way, way earlier than they were supposed to and my panicky ass couldn't find my clothes quickly, and when I finally did, I had to dress as quickly as possible in his tiny-ass closet while he distracted his mom and dad lmfao. I'ma just say it was a very close call to me melting into a mortified puddle. I look back on it and laugh now, but the absolute, throbbing fear I felt was NOT funny back then lmfao. Don’t you love that feeling when you look at someone and you just melt? <3 That is genuinely one of the best feelings in the entire world. Do you prefer male or female singers? I have no preference. So what are you planning for this summer? Nothing, really... Who knows where the Covid situation will be then. What’s a good book? In general for absolutely anyone, Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. It is a book about pacifism that is so very deep and emotional. For women, I highly recommend The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. As a woman myself, the concept of the book is terrifying, to be reduced to reproduction machines without rights, so it's something you can really feel as a female. It's a book that definitely makes you want to fight for women's rights. Is it awkward for you when your parents talk to you about boys etc… No. I'm a grown woman. Now if she asked about my sex life (if I had one), I'd feel a bit weird, but not very. Do you like it when guys play with your hair? Yeah. Ever cried when you had to say goodbye to someone? Well of course. Over multiple people. Have your parents ever hated one of your boyfriends/girlfriends? No. Have you ever dreamt of someone you barely know? Indeed. Do you have a blood donor’s card? Yep. Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? I had to before surgery. Has anyone seen you naked in the last week? No. What kind of doctor did you go to the last time you went? It was via phone, but I talked with my psychiatrist a few days ago. Does your ex still think about you? I'm sure Sara and Girt do, as they're my good friends, but idk if either think of me romantically. I would hope Jason at least remembers me with some degree of care in his heart... As for Juan, Aaron, and Tyler, idk if they do and I don't really care. What has been bothering you a lot lately? My weight. Are you trustworthy? I think so, yes. Did your parents teach that white lies were ok? Yeah, but it definitely depends on the situation. Which literary character would you dress up as, if you had to choose one? Speaking of The Handmaid's Tale, for Halloween one year, I really, really want to take some cool photos of me dressed as a handmaid with a (obviously fake) blood splatter over my stomach. What (or who) is the best thing that ever happened to you? Being born with the mom I have, probably. I have no idea. None. Of where I'd be without her. Do you miss college? Sigh, sometimes... but I'm not going back. No chance. Dropping out three times due to my mental state hints at a clear pattern. Have you ever called a teacher “mom”? Yeah, accidentally. Except with my physical science teacher in HS that eventually became my "other mom" and most recently our landlord, even. I call her "Mama" sometimes. What was the name of your first imaginary friend? It was a wolf whose name I don't remember. What color was your nursery when you were a baby? No clue. What is your favorite arcade game? I desperately wanna go to a location that has Silent Hill: The Arcade. :/ That's on my bucket list. It's very rare. Are you allergic to grass? No. Do you remember to water plants? I don’t have any plants to water. What is your favorite fall drink? I don't drink any "fall" drinks. Favorite winter drink? Hot chocolate! Favorite spring drink? There are "spring" drinks? Favorite summer drink? Gimme a nice, cold margarita. Name three creative people you know. Sara, Tez, and Mini are some of the most creative people I've ever written with. Name 3 YouTubers you aspire to be like. Mark in like a million different ways, I look up greatly to Jeffree Star's work ethic (say what you will about him personally, but holy shit does mama WORK), and Emzotic for her incredible growth after trauma that's left her more confident than ever, and she's amazing with animals and just a darling overall. Does anyone know who your current crush is? Yeah, I'm pretty open about it. Have you ever been scammed? Not successfully, no. Which song describes your life? I relate to "Get Up" by Mother Mother a lot at this point in my life. If someone dislikes you, what is most likely to be the reason? Probably because I open up so slowly/am very secretive of myself when someone might be trying to get close. People have also criticized my laziness. Where did you meet the last person you swapped numbers with? YouTube. At least I think Tez was the last person I gave my number to. Who was the last person to add you as a friend on Facebook? Hunter, my neighbor growing up. Who was the last person that asked if you were okay? My therapist. I had to leave group due to severe abdominal cramping. It was just my period, but he just wanted to check. What was the last thing you bought from a vending machine? Probably a soda back when I was still in school. Has anyone given you butterflies recently? Actually yeah; I had a memory of Sara that caused 'em to revisit me. What was the name of the first person you ever had a crush on? Why did you like them? I'm going to exclude my puppy-dog crush (Dylan) and talk about my first "real" crush, Sebastian. I liked him because we had very similar interests, he was really friendly, nice, and funny, and he clearly trusted me a lot because he actually confided in me regarding the relationship he was in that was struggling and causing him a lot of pain. I thought he was attractive, too. Ngl, I wonder sometimes where we could have gone if he hadn't been dating the girl, because I'm 90% sure he was into me, too. In current times, he very recently got engaged! Super happy for him. Which parent do you identify with the most? My ma. What do you think you cook or bake the best? Scrambled eggs, I guess. That's just about all I CAN make, haha. My family likes 'em. I always use American cheese, salt, pepper, and a bit of hot sauce. What embarrasses you the most in front of other people? Admitting I RP. If you had to choose one thing you were most passionate about, what would it be and why? Of actually important things, gay rights. If we're talkin' passionate about anything, then the answer's meerkats, duh. Who are you most envious of—real or fictional—and why? A rival photographer that lives here. I absolutely hate admitting that, but yeah, I'm extremely envious of her. She gets way more traffic than I do by a long shot, even though I, from a completely modest and honest standpoint, genuinely think I do better work than her. It's just frustrating. All about who you know in this business. How old is the most expired item in your fridge? Supposedly our milk expired on the 1st, but it smells just fine? And mind you, I am very cautious with expiration dates, and I've found milk typically starts to smell bad a few days earlier than the date to me. This jug is an outlier. What are your favorite style of underwear? I'm a fat old lady that likes high-waisted underwear. What’s the saddest song you’ve ever heard? Maybe "The Ballad of Dwight Fry" by Alice Cooper. I could name tons, though. How about the sweetest song? Maybe "Easy to Love You" by Theory of a Deadman. Another song I struggle to listen to because it was one of mine and Jason's "songs." Do you know how to play dominoes? No. Are you proud of what you’re doing with your heart and time right now? Not in the least. Why or why not? I'm just wasting time. Doing nothing with true meaning, and I seem unable to get over this low point I'm in. How many bones have you broken? One. Well, I was told "fractured," but apparently that's the same thing as broken? Have you ever won anything? Big or small? Yeah, multiple things. What food will you absolutely not, under any circumstances, eat? Animals like cats or dogs. Pets, basically. I would feel WAY too weird. Has anything/anyone every saved your life before? Yes. What is one thing you’re embarrassed to admit you want to try? If I'm embarrassed by it, why would I share it with whoever reads these? What is the most important memory you have and why? When I decided it was truly time to move on from Jason. Why that's my most important is obvious: it changed my mindset and life in general. Is there something you wish you had said sorry for but never did? God, I hope Jason read my apology email I last sent him. I finally accepted I did wrong, too, and I want to know that he knows that. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My youngest niece's first birthday was mid-February. What’s a musical instrument you think sounds really beautiful? The violin. Do you play that instrument? I wish I could. Do you have a favorite type of pasta? (like a shape of noodles, not dish) Just spaghetti noodles, ig. How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Once. Who sent the last e-mail you got? My PHP therapist sent me the Zoom link to our group session. Do you have a favorite shape? Out of basic ones, circles. What’s the last song you bought/downloaded? I don't recall. Probably something by 3TEETH. Have you ever been on a trapeze? Hell nah. Do you buy chocolate after Valentine’s Day when it goes on sale? No. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? I met a poet at the psych hospital once. I also have an old friend who had something published in a magazine, I think. Do you own a polaroid camera? No, but I'd love to to take more ~aesthetic~ photographs sometimes. What is something you think is underrated? Snakes! :( They're not scary or gross, nor do they in any way deserve to be killed. I wish the worth of snakes was seen much more clearly. They are spectacular, intriguing animals. Around what temperature do you consider it to be too hot outside? Once it hits like 65*F, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. In what ways do you expect your life to be different one year from now? I hope beyond hope that I have a job I enjoy. And that I'm driving again. What’s a hobby you used to have, but don’t anymore? I used to loooove video editing, but I've lost all motivation for it. Do you have any exercise equipment in your home? Somewhere we have this one stretchy thing that I have no idea what it's called, then there are two sets of small weights somewhere. Where is the farthest north you’ve traveled to? New York. Farthest south? Florida. East? Well, ya can't go more east in NC unless you want to drive into the ocean... lol. West? Illinois. If you have/want children, will you raise them similar to the way you were raised? If I had kids, I would in some ways, but in a lot of other ways, no. Do you have any unusual decorations in your home? Nothing strange, no. What is the highest level math class you’ve completed? I don't know. Not very high. Do you have an ebook reader? (iPad, Kindle, etc.) No. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? 2017, ig. What is the last random act of kindness you did? I guess you could consider a loving text to Sara a random act of kindness?

just because im insane, i will rate all the sitting pictures for the promotional pictures

--

10000000/10, this couldn’t have been better. this shirt is dangerous, the stare into the camera, the way that he’s sitting back. he’s confident, he’s hot, i would fucking melt like putty in his hands.

9/10. peeta looks like he’s about to give me hella sass for saying something about his futuristic shoes. his entire pose is LIT though, i love him holding onto the arm of the chair, and then the lean to the side. confident, a little intimidating, he’s got top energy for sure

4/10 HAHA. dude looks like he’s nervous to ask me out to prom lmfao. the skin-tight spandex doesn’t help out very much either--is that a zipper???? for what?? to show off your leg hair? boy, bye

2/10, i don’t feel intimidated or challenged. it’s no surprise that katniss left him behind. i wouldn’t get him drunk because he looks like he’d get political with me. he also looks like a party crasher

7/10 because he looks respectful. looks like he’d drink tea with a shit ton of sugar cause he’s a pussy. haymitch would ask my dad permission to marry me before proposing. however, the leg cross says that he is a dad that just watched his daughter come home late. he’s just waiting for her bad boy boyfriend to leave before he rips her a new one

6/10 because he refuses to even look in the direction of the camera. his outfit says alt boy on tiktok but his shoes say 2008 white girl ugg boots. and the fact that he gets a whole fancy chair? boy thinks he’s special and i dont like it. cinna isnt my favorite character on a good day

4/10. if caesar didn’t give off gay energy before, he does now. im not surprised that he sits like this. he looks like he’ll be passive aggressive if i put my feet on his coffee table. the all-gold look doesn’t look bad until you see his purple hair. whoever coordinates his outfits should be fired for clashing purple and gold

8/10 he looks offended. the jacket and gloves were totally unnecessary. he looks like he’s trying to show as little skin as possible. he doesn’t even give off Big Villain Vibes. he gives off ‘im at a strip club and im uncomfy’ vibes. the ankle cross really draws out the fact that he’s like 70 years old

100/10!! she looks like she’s about to behead me. i LOVE the hair and the dress so much! and her lack of care with the rose, bitch just drop it already, or set the whole studio on fire. i’ll support you either way. the glare, her legs being crossed, the rose pointing down, amazing performance !

8/10. she looks like a lalaloopsy doll bc of her makeup. but the outfit is pretty good (not the gloves, though, wtf is up????) the hair and the dress actually compliment each other. her chin is up, the way that her legs are slanted--better than cinna!! i would invite her if i were picking out wedding dresses

9/10 because i hate this fucking wedding dress. yes, it makes a statement but the mockingjay dress wouldve been cooler. she’s the rebel here, so she’s not allowed to sit in the chair. she looks like she would fake her death to see who’s a real friend and who’s not. honestly, if anyone should’ve been given a fancy chair, it’s her but whatever

Countdown

Back at it again with a fic that nobody asked for lmfao. Can you believe it’s already been like a year since I made this blog? Fucking wild. Anyways, here’s a new year's fic with our main boy Merriell because I am incapable of writing for anyone else it seems #whoops.

Summary: Set kind of in modern times I guess. Reader and Mer go to a New Year’s party in which an ex is there and it just kind of escalates to fucking in a linen closet. 

Pairing: Merriell Shelton / Reader (femme)

Warnings: Oh god where do I start, filthy dirty talk, possessiveness on both parts, maybe a bit of jealousy, oral sex (male receiving), fingers, semi-public sex, lemme know if there’s something else I should put here

Words: 2540 

Tags: @r-ahh-mi @sherlollydramoine @txml @xmxisxforxmaybe @moon-stars-soul let me know if you wanna be added to my tag list or if I missed you!

~

The New Years party we’re at isn’t particularly fancy, one of Merriell’s old friends from high school. It’s almost a reunion, only far less formal. People are dressed up but most of the party-goers are acting more like it’s the night of their senior prom. There’s beer pong set up on the dining room table, some sort of suck and blow card game being played in the living room and loud drunken conversations are taking place around us. I stand in the kitchen, conversing with some girls I know vaguely from over the years of attending parties like this, making polite conversation. I usually don’t care for small talk, it’s hard to care about why someone you barely know had stopped drinking or how they managed to get insurance payments so low, but the amount of alcohol in my system makes it easier to pretend. 

“You must be something special” One of the girls directs at me, I don’t remember her name but I know she and Mer had a brief fling in high school, years ago, “I remember Shelton in high school, no one thought he’d ever settle down. What’s your secret?” It sounds so condescending coming from her. A stereotypical suburban trophy wife. Married a Chad or a Brad right out of high school just to say they were high school sweethearts when in reality they could barely stand each other, cheated on each other every other night.  Probably prom queen and he’s probably football quarterback. She’s never had to work for anything in her life. She’s always pissed me off. And right now there’s just enough alcohol in my system for me to clap back at her. 

Almost as if he sensed my annoyance, Merriell’s suddenly by my side, arm looping around my waist to settle a hand possessively on my hip to hold me back, “Hiya Darlin’,” he greets, kissing my temple lovingly. “Everythin’ alright?” 

“Yeah,” I answer, smiling up at him, “we were just talking about you actually.” He raises his eyebrows, his eyes crinkling in amusement as he hums in response, “About how I managed to wrangle you away from the bachelor life.”

He chuckles, hand squeezing my waist, “Baby, you know you didn’t have to wrangle me away from nothin’, I knew the second I laid eyes on ya that I’d follow ya to the ends of the world.” 

The suburban wife coos, but one look at her face shows barely masked jealousy and I can’t help but feel smug. Just to piss her off a little more, I drag his head down to meet my lips, kissing his just on the side of too dirty for a public place. It’s quick though, and when we pull away he looks at me with a mixture of amazement, amusement and lust.

“C’mon,” I say pulling him towards to door to the living room, “I need a new drink.” 

I don’t. But I want to get away from the group of wives before I do something that’ll ruin the night. He follows me, hot on my tail, out of the kitchen, both hands on my hips now. He takes control, leading me to a hallway off the main room, turning me in his grasp to let me rest against the wall. 

“Love it when you get all territorial like that.” He smirks down at me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I feign innocence, wrapping my arms around his neck but refusing to meet his gaze.

He doesn’t let me keep my head turned for long, using his nose against mine to turn my head to his and capture my lips in another kiss. He keeps kissing me, each one a tad more urgent than the next and I know where this is going. 

“Merriell,” I warn against his lips, “You best turn the heat down, you remember what happened last time.”

He pulls away slightly, huffing in annoyance but smirking as the memory catches up with him. We’d been invited to a Halloween party. And of course, Merriell insisted that I wear the sluttiest costume he could find. Needless to say, he didn’t make it until we got home. He’d gotten himself all worked up and had to take me to the nearest bathroom. Bent me over the sink and fucked the near daylights out of me. It wouldn’t have been a problem; if he had remembered to lock the door. 

He hums, “I remember that bein’ kind of exciting’.” He says lowly, rubbing his nose against mine. 

“No,” I say sternly.

He pouts, whines while his hands rub up and down my back and down to grab my ass, “Bet I could persuade you.”

I raise my eyebrows at him, “Persuade?” I smirk, “Using your big boy words, I see.”

He growls playfully against my neck, nipping and sucking at the skin there, “Shut up,” he plays, moving his hot mouth further up my neck to my jawline, up further to my ear where he sucks my earlobe into his mouth. My mouth drops on a pleasured sigh, running my hands up his arms and squeezing ever so slightly. I have to bite my lip on a whine when he blows cool air on the spit left on my ear. 

“C’mon baby,” he mumbles, breath hot against the side of my face, “I know you wanna.” 

I huff, annoyed that he knows me so well, that he knows how to work my body into such a frenzy when he’s barely touched me. He glances down the hallway briefly before move one of his hands around to the front of my jeans. He rubs lightly at the front of my jeans, my hips responding by pressing against the friction. He chuckles darkly, moving his hand up to the top of my jeans and dipping his fingers in past the waistline of my underwear, just teasing. My breath hitches in anticipation.

“We can’t,” I try one last time at feigning innocence, despite my entire body betraying my true desires, “the countdown starts soon.” 

That only rips a low moan from Merriell’s throat and prompts him to catch my lips in a dirty kiss, sucking on my tongue slowly, “Wanna fuck you into next year.” I can hear the smirk in his voice and I curse under my breath, knowing full well he has me wrapped around his finger.

He laughs delightfully, knowing he’s won, and drags me to the nearest room. This time, it’s not a bathroom, but a sizeable linen closet. There’s enough room for us, but it’s tight and I have a feeling we’re about to get real hot and sweaty. 

He wastes no time, crowding me against the back wall and all but devouring my lips. His hands are everywhere. Sliding up my neck and into my hair, back down my body, along the length of my spine, down to grab my ass and then grabbing one thigh, bringing it up to his hips so he can effectively grind against me. I gasp into his mouth at the feeling of his erection against my clothed heat.

“Can you believe,” he breathes, biting my bottom lip, “that the first thing imma feel going into the new year is your hot pussy around me.” 

I choke on a moan, dragging him back down for another kiss that’s just as filthy as his words. He gets to work on my pants, fumbling with the button a bit before finally pulling them down my legs. I kick one leg free to hoist my thigh up to his hip again. We just need enough nudity for easy access. His hand dips down into my panties, fingers finding their way to my clit to rub slow, teasing circles.

He groans, “already so wet for me, cher.” his lips quirk up into a smirk, “wonder if it’s just as wet down...” he trails off, removing his hand from my panties so he can tug them to the side a sink a single finger into me. He shudders on a moan, “fuckin’ hell baby.” 

He adds another finger and my breathing begins to pick up as he slides them in and out of my now soaking core. My hands are tangled in his hair, keeping his eyes locked on mine. He crooks his fingers, pressing against my g-spot and my head rolls back on a breathy moan, eyes slipping shut for a moment. When I open them again he’s smirking at me, fingers still moving languidly inside of me. 

“Fuck me,” I whisper. His eyebrows shoot up but he makes no move to change his course of action. I whine, rolling my hips against his hand, “fuck me.” I beg, “Need to feel you.” My hand moves to the front of his jeans, where he’s hard and throbbing through the rough material. I scratch my nails against him, watching the shiver that wracks his body, watching his mouth drop ever so slightly on a silent moan, “Need to feel this.” I take a breath before adding, “Deep inside me.”

And then he’s near scrambling, barely getting his belt unbuckled before shoving his pants and briefs to the ground. Before he can do much else though, I sink to the ground, overwhelmed with the need to take him into my mouth. 

There is truly not much better than watching his come apart in my mouth. I love watching the way his mouth drops open and his eyebrows furrow when I take him as deep as I can. His hand comes to rest at the crown of my head, just guiding my movements ever so slightly. His forearm of his free arm braces himself against the wall, hand clenched around nothing, hips rocking ever so slightly. 

“Such a talented little mouth ya got there,” he breathes, always unable to keep his words to himself, “Always so hot and wet for me. Could stay here all night.” at my answering moan, he smirks through the shudder that wracks his body, “Yeah? Ya like that? Wanna stay on your knees for me? Taking my cock in ya mouth like the perfect little cocksucker you are? Huh?” 

I feel my pussy clench around nothing, his words never fail to wound me up. I drag my nails down his thighs, grab his bare ass and pull him further towards me, pass my gag reflex so he can feel my throat work around him. He growls, pulling out and dragging me back up. He claims my mouth, tongue making its way past my lips to chase the taste of himself. 

“Gotta fuck you,” he says breathlessly. 

I whine, nodding enthusiastically as he grips both my thighs and hoists me up the wall, “fuck me.” I say desperately, wrapping an arm around his neck. The feeling of the head of his cock tease my opening has me going crazy, “Merriel, please.” 

I swear, I see stars as he finally sinks into me, stretching and filling me in all the right ways. My head rolls back, thunking against the wall with a pleasurable sigh. 

“Yeah,” He sighs, cranking his neck up to kiss me, “Feels so fuckin’ good.”

I wrap my legs around his waist as best I can in this position, wanting to feel him deeper. He starts to move, at first just rocking steadily in and out before starting to properly thrust. It’s a steady pace, but he reaches so deep that I can’t help but bury my head in the crook of his neck, trying to stay quiet. The noises of the party just outside the door blur, not even the footsteps of people making their way to and from the bathroom can tear me away from the feeling of him hitting all the right spots. 

I can’t help that sound that’s ripped out of me when he thrusts particularly hard, the head of his cock dragging against a pleasurable spot on my front wall. He laughs breathlessly, “Gotta be quiet baby,” he teases, hitting that same spot again just to watch me bite my lip and dig my nails into his arm, “Don’t want anyone walking in on us this time, do we?” 

It always blows my mind how he’s able to talk during this, his speech steady but bouncing with every hard thrust of his hips. 

“Or maybe,” he smirks, “You want people to find us? Especially all those girls who wanted me. Want them to see that it’s only you who gets me.”

Knowing there are girls at this party that had wanted him, no matter how many years ago, sends a pang of possessiveness through me. My hand flies to his jaw, tilting his head so I can stare into his eyes, “You’re mine.” I near growl.

He laughs, or tries to through a moan at least, “All yours baby,” he agrees, “But you’re mine too, don’t forget that.” His thrusts slow for a moment, teasing thrusts from the tip of his dick all the way down until skin meets skin.

“Such a nice pussy, who’s it belong to?” he asks, and we’re so close. Chest to chest, nose to nose, breathing in each other's breaths and moans. 

“You,” I answer, “It’s yours, Mer, all yours.” 

I feel myself getting closer as he speeds up again, taking one look at his face and I can tell he is too. His eyes are shut, eyebrows pulled down into a look a concentration and his mouth is open, letting out a series of soft sighs and moans. 

Someone from outside the door yells, their voice barely carrying past the sounds of skin on skin and continuous moans, “30 seconds ‘till New Years!” 

Merriell fixes me with a gaze of determination, “Ya close baby?” 

I nod, working my hips back against his thrusts desperately as I feel myself climb towards relief, “Yes,” I breath, kissing him sloppily.

His noises are turning desperate, like he’s holding on barely by a thread, “So fucking close..” he whines, head dropping to my chest where he sucks a mark into the exposed skin. 

15....14....13....12....11

“Look at me,” I beg, wanting to watch him come apart. 

He meets my gaze, our noses brushing together as we pant hotly into each other's mouth.

10....9....8....7....6

“Oh god,” he groans, “Baby, I’m gonna...” 

The sensations are adding up, his pelvis brushing against my clit with each pleasurable thrust. 

...5....

“Are you gonna...?” he asks, 

I nod.

....4....

“Yes,” I whimper, “God, Merriell.” 

....3....2....

“Oh fuck,” he growls, teeth latching onto my shoulder hard, and my nails dig into his bicep.

....1....

Relief crashes over us simultaneously. I can’t stop the moan that leaves my lips as I cum around him, clenching tightly, feeling him throb and twitch and fill me with his own. The party outside rages but we’re too caught up in our own euphoria to notice it. 

Merriell’s thrusts turn shallow as he rides out our orgasms, capturing my lips in a sloppy kiss, muffling our moans and whimpers. We breathe heavily against each other as we come down, hips twitching with aftershocks. 

His eyes flutter open and he looks at me with a sated and satisfied smile. 

“Happy New Year.” 

I never thought I’ll be writing something like this, specifically the part of exposing myself in front of the people who follow me + the ones who don’t but still are checking up all the time. These pictures take me back to summer 2017. The worst year of my entire life. You couldn’t tell of course because I made sure no one wouldn’t be capable of noticing these kind of things. I posted positive, happy and silly things and I “became the best version of me” lmao. Now I can finally admit that was some huge ass bullshit and I’m mad no one said a thing. A few months before those photos were taken, I started to battle with my super toxic new old friend Anorexia, followed by her cousin Bulimia. I could remember having a goal: To be as skinny as possible. To look as good as I could ever look on a family trip to the beach (now that I think about it, it’s like, come on, it’s your family they don’t give a shit). Also, before that, I had my high school prom and you can guess what my new eating disorder did for me. Did you guessed? Yes, it made me bought a smaller freaking expensive dress! So that I could have a motivation to lost all the freaking weight I hated. I remember being asked by the lady in charge of the dress store “Don’t you want the L size? I think you could feel more comfortable” And my whole face started to burn. I felt awful. But I remained calm, laughed and said “I’m about to go on a diet. I’ll loose all this weight” and she ofc had to be this supportive “buy all my shit” kind of person. So she suggested me to get the S size. But around that time I was dumb, but like not that dumb after all because I knew that, there was no way in hell I could fit into that shit, even if I stopped eating for like a whole month. So I decided to get the M one. And yes, maybe M is kinda considered a fat girl size, but this dress was made of lace. fucking lace. Which means, it was tight and getting the M was sort of a big deal. That day I paid for my own dress (because my parents had no idea about my future plans) and went home all happy and excited because I finally had a goal to achieve: To fit in that dress, because I couldn’t afford to throw all my money away. So at this moment I’d like to state that I have a mild pill addiction (nothing serious, but sometimes they still appeal to me as candies or some shit) and it appeared around this time because this girl had an eye opening moment when she found out about...*drum rolls* LOSING WEIGHT PILLS. It was a whole thing. I was shocked. Like, I could lose weight by taking this lil pill? Everyone said “yes” forgetting that ofc It’s not that easy. So I started to take them daily, even surpassing the recommended dose. I began to let those pills solve my whole eating problems. I started dieting but sometimes I had these huge cravings (I could also say I’m kind of a compulsive eater?) anyways, I wanted to eat junk food, but I couldn’t do it. My whole brain was like “No honey” and then we started to have a battle and when I won that battle, I decided to choose the losing weight pills as my ally. So, in resume, I ate a lot of shit and then I’d let the pills do it’s job. And what job I’m talking about? Diarrhea LMFAO. I mean, I had to get used to be shitting my pants every single time because everything I ate ended up in the freaking toilet in a very gross way. The thing is, I learned to live with this awful thing. I made it look like something normal. But the truth is, it wasn’t normal and I could have gotten a serious disease by doing that. But as always, that wasn’t enough. And when I realized the pills process was kinda slow I decided to cut most of the foods I considered “bad”. I ate once a day, drank tons of water and detox tea; courtesy of my mom. Because, now that I realize all this stuff, I didn’t started all of this by myself. I let my mom help me develop it. She has always talked about losing weight methods, pills, creams, all the things that would help you lose weight, my mama knew. So I always had this fear of my mom targeting my fatness. I had the fear that she would be disappointed because of the weight I had after all the advice she gave to me and my sisters. I mean, she always had something to say about this losing weight thing, How could I be fat? She literally was giving me options to not be fat anymore. So to her, at first was kinda normal that I decided to go to sleep to avoid eating. I would literally had a small plastic bag with some granola for breakfast and water. Then I would eat tuna with lettuce and lemon and more water and then I’d have more tuna for dinner. And when I felt hungry as hell? I went to sleep. It helped me a lot to be a sick person at it’s fullest. But hey, I def started to lose weight. With all the things I cut and the pills I was this close to achieve my goal. I decided to join my mom on her gym routine and people there started to compliment me about how skinny I started to look. I was living the dream!! I started to push myself way harder on the gym (I also almost fainted like 2-3 times a week) but Hey, I needed to get toned! Being skinny wasn’t enough. So I started to realize I could get myself to look better. And guess who helped me achieve my skeleton look? My dearest friend, index finger. We had our first meeting one time at the bathroom. That time I didn’t thought I’d be capable of doing something like that. I was scared of the result. But somehow we managed to forget that rocky start and the first time I vomited I was like “woah so this is how it feels. My god, can’t believe I’ve missed this my whole life” and it was so easy. I didn’t even need to cut foods. I could eat whatever I wanted! And then It would be gone for good! And all I had to do was push my finger deep in my throat. So fucking easy. And that’s how I finally achieved my goal, by playing the girl from the exorcist movie in my bathroom every day after every meal. I should’ve been happy, but my ED said “nope” and I had a whole breakdown and missed my prom. I went trough a lot of changes, decided to cut and dye my hair and tried to become a whole new person while stile carrying my oldest two versions (The one before the ED, and the one who had the ED) and I felt like I became an actress in this movie called “how long could you keep it cool until you become crazy”. Around that time, I weighted like 43...42 kg. I was way under my weight. My legs were tiny and I loved them. I loved to feel my ribs, my hip bones. I loved to see how my clothes looked bigger on me. I even sent some of my clothes to be fixed so that they would be smaller and fit me and yet, they didn’t because I was too small now. And I loved it. No one said a thing. My family was like “Oh now you’re skinny? It must be from the gym” My mom was thrilled. She never said it, but I could tell by the way she looked at me when I asked her if she could send my clothes to her friend because they didn’t fit me anymore. She even started to buy me clothes on smaller sizes and we even joked about how now I would have to buy on the kid’s section because I was so small and I couldn’t be prouder. I took photos with the clothes that looked bigger on me. I had to have proof that I was tiny! I was having a moment. And people started to notice that I became tiny but never asked how I got to be ‘that’ tiny. So, they never asked. I never answered. Until now lol. So the family trip to the beach happened and there I ate all the things I couldn’t while achieving my goal, because what the hell I was already skinny, I could eat whatever I wanted. And I ate, and ate and yet, I looked good on the bikini photos. I MEAN, for the first time in years I bought a TWO PIECES swimsuit. I had a great time there, it felt like a culmination in my life. I took cute pictures in front of the beach house, my cousin complimented be about looking skinny and pretty and yeah, happy ever after. Back at home, the struggle wasn’t over. I started to eat normally again but always fearing about my weight. I was perfect. I couldn’t lose that. So it begins the journey of “eating and regretting and then vomiting and then regretting it and then sending everything to hell and eating once again” and that went on repeat ALL DAY. To summarize, this isn’t exactly a story with a happy ending. It got to a point where I realized “WTF DUDE. YOU’LL DIE FROM THIS” and I stopped doing all that shit. Even my parents noticed the whole thing before I could send it back to hell. Tbh I was kinda expecting them to be mad or anything but they were like “we could hear you vomiting” and that’s all. Um, so you heard? Uh, sorry? My mom was more worried about how the toilet looked after I threw up on it. She said the stains were awful. So, I’d like to say sorry to my mom for staining her toilet while dealing with all my shit. My bad mom. 

Now, I’d like to state that it’s been three years since that happened and my family and I still haven’t spoke about it. I had to seek help somewhere else. And you know, I’m not stating that my parents are the ones to blame. No, I was 17. I was totally aware of how awful having a ED was and yet I decided to participate. However, I totally believe they should have said something. I mean, it took a very short time for me to lose more than 30 kg and I slept all day. Wasn’t that weird for them? Maybe. But my parent’s weren’t exactly raised to be aware of people’s emotions. My parents were raised to be emotionless. They rarely show emotions and that’s something regular at home. So, if they ever felt worried they never expressed it because they didn’t knew how. And that’s normal, At least to me. 

Moving forward to 2020, I’m 21. I’m an ED survivor (hate the word but you know, I didn’t died so I guess I kinda survived?) and I’m still in recovery and def not fully healed. That’s why I said this didn’t exactly had a happy ending. Because when you have an ED you can’t just put it away and make it disappear from your life. Nope, it’s not that easy and if someone says it is. They’re big liars. People talk about how difficult is to recover and gain weight without having these awful thoughts but they never tell you how your relationship with food changes forever. Or maybe they do, but it’s very rare tbh. Now, 3 years after having an ED I can say I still have it in me. Every time I eat something, I can’t help to feel guilty. To have the urge to vomit everything or the amount of times I say in my head “You need to cut food again” I get a losing weight goal every month. And I have the same feelings and thoughts I used to have 3 years ago. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t feel proud. I get the feeling I’m not having my best moment. And it sucks, you know? Because it’s tiring. Having your mind working 24/7 on the food you just ate and you could have replaced it with something healthier. And not being able to stop it. It also doesn’t help the fact that my mom is still obsessed with losing weight. She still has this habit of checking what I eat and making this “I don’t approve it” face. A month ago, I kinda had a relapse. I started to cut foods and then I was like “Hey, remember those pills? They still exist, you know?” But, I had no money. I couldn’t go outside to get them (bc quarantine, yikes) and I had no idea which ones would help me this time. So...I asked the expert; my mom. I’d like to state again I’m not blaming her. Anyways, I told her I felt fat and awful (she never said “you’re not fat” bc I have to admit, I am, at the moment) and asked her for her advice on losing weight stuff. She quickly recommended some popular diet pills she once listened a woman recommend in the radio. She even told me about a deal they had! Which included 3 bottles, all of them with 60 pills. Bro, I was in paradise at that moment. 180 pills plus having the opportunity to lose weight? WHAT A FUCKING DEAL My mom was thrilled, she even got the deal for herself (and both suffered from the same consequences, that my mom tried to cover up by saying that “it was the body’s reaction” and that we were detoxing our bodies” but I decided to cut that bullshit and stopped taking them bc I had awful results (and also, I wasn’t exactly losing weight which was the whole goal) 

Today, June 2nd. I reflected about this whole thing. I am proud I never went to the bottom and to the hospital. But I’m not proud on the fact that I still haven’t recovered. Not even a bit. I mean, yeah, now I have double thoughts before doing something my ED tells me to do, but I still have the urge of being skinny. I still compare my body and feel like that is the only thing I could offer. Most stories shared this day, are successful ones. Most have this cute ending with them still being skinny but now, reflecting on life and talking about healthy weight gain. But not all stories are like those ones. There’s people still struggling. Like me, I haven’t even recovered but yet, I’m sharing this shit. Because that’s the reality behind having a daughter, sister, friend, with an ED. 

We would never openly say “I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER” but it’s always in the little details. It’s in the way they read the menu and search for the healthy options and the calories, the way they express about their bodies, the way they constantly say how much they need to go to the gym. It’s in the way they look at food whenever you offer them, like if they could calculate how many days would it take for that food to get stuck in their body, specifically in the abdomen area. It’s there, but not many people gets to see it. It’s a matter of paying attention. And no, we do not want attention all the time, we do not want you to save us. It’s not about that. It’s about being aware that we are struggling and that we might need your support at least once. 

Personally, I do not want to be saved. I just want to cope with it. I want to be able to eat healthy without falling again into these crap. I want to be able to look back and say “I fucking did it”. If I’m totally honest, the thought of losing weight will always be here with me. I’ll always have this little voice telling me “You could be smaller, you know? “You could stop your dad from saying that you’d be perfect to play football again because you could tackle everyone with that body” “You could be as tiny as your sister” “You could show your ballet teacher that you do not look like a ball anymore” “You could make your mom proud because you have taken her advice” “You could fit in that shirt and those pants again” and the most important one “You could have it all” because sadly, in this world, skinny means successful. And while I still try to achieve being that successful, the ED thoughts won’t go away, not at all. And I’m being honest. Terribly honest. But at least, I’m not lying and saying I’ll do better. Because, I’ll be better, just not today and maybe not even in two years from now. But I’ll be one day. 

This story was shared to commemorate the World Eating Disorders Action Day (June 2nd) to spread awareness about what ED really mean and what they actually look like in real life. 

7.09🎄🌟

Comments on the Call The Midwife Christmas special! *proceed with caution* 

Here we gooo

aw Lucille hey

That’s a cute baby 😭

You right Jenny Lee, if only I had a damn map of life lmao

SPACE ELVES LMAO

Reggie!!! My harrrt

That paint probably is pure lead sjskks

Vi’s hair is rough

LMAO who is this old woman she is annoying already

go home shelgah is the new go home roger (if you know you know!! Lol from the show Sister, Sister)

ROCKIN AROUNDDDD THE CHRISTMAS TREEE

new car in this bitchhh

shealgh’s yellow scarf and coat is cute af

AW TEDDY

TRIXIE MY QUEEN!! SHSJKS SHE HAS RETURNED THE SHOW CAN GO ON

!!! THAT WILL BE ME IN 12 DAYS ARRIVING IN LONDON !!!!

the babs pic :(

their tree tho😍

Sister MJ annoyed to have to walk is a big mood

“our work is here” wow this is sad already

Phyllis already knows there’s something sus going on

“They gonna see everything you got” LMFAO LUCILLE

THE QUEEN OF POPLAR IS HOME

wow just kidding 😂😂

omg the Asian babies are so adorable

but what is up grandma from Balto

NOTHING TO DECLARE BUT MY ANNOYANCE LMFAO OK ME AGAIN AT THE UK CUSTOMS

mama bear phyllis😭😭

sister MJ is like listen I’m the sweets and candy queen here back up

HERE SHE IS

BEATRIX IS HOME💖💖

PUCCI?! HONEY GOT SHMONEYYY

omfg my heart MAMA PHYLLIS BATHING THEM

babs sweater omg 😢 I’m crying already

Phyllis omg stop Fuck my heart

PATSY AND DELIA IN SCOTLAND

GARBO OMG LIKE GRETA GARBO she was famous and famously gay I see what they did there najsksk amazing

SISTER MJ FAKING AGAIN LMAOO??

oh shit morphine maybe not faking then lol that can f*ck u up 😂

Fred our pure ridiculous angel

Omg stop sister MJ 😭😭 when she dies it’s over man

Didn’t think the mother house would be by the beach/sea

My mom just made a funny ass remark but  it’s kinda mean I shant say

OH SHIT SHES GONNA CRASH

who is that woman tho?

LMAO sister Mildred is like sister E I’m kinda vibing with it 😂 but if she comes for Phyllis then I will have a problem

Sister J just SNAPPED 💀 she is not leaving poplar and that’s that !!

Omg this kid looks like my little cousin

My gal is already back at work!! grinding all day let’s get this bread

Ok I feel their annoyance but it’s true hospitals have a lot of upsides

like number one there are doctors there lmao

oh no😭😭 why is the kid left alone? that’s not fair 😭

YOU’D GO UP LIKE A BOMB FIRE SJSKKS VI IS RIGHT

Aw the little angels (lowkey reminds me of the best Christmas pageant ever LMAO again if u know, u know)

Trix’s coat!! A damn look

A damn BELL?? holy sh*t this convent is like a prison

sorry @ God but I would never

Fred wants to gather the orphans gifts omfg he is SOFT <3

Aw Mother Jesu (but also I don’t know what I imagined her as but this lady isn’t it)

Sister J will not go bc we would riot

*throws to ground* I felt that

APPALLING MUSIC LMAO SHELAGH IT’S CALLED HAVING TASTE

it’s prob the stones I bet

Lucille looks so CUTE love the fit

Lucille and sister MJ together is always a sweet moment

The Turner’s new car is fire I love the color

Shelagh’s pink scarf is cute too, she got the whole rainbow. She has to make up for all the lost years of not being able to dress lol

ok but I have to say the three shades  of pink is bothering me, looking like a Scottish pepto bottle (or peppa pig😂)

AW FETUS SHELAGH/SISTER B

📢📢📢 just bc she wants it doesn’t mean it’s right 📢📢📢

Another Mavis wow can they stop recycling names already Lmaoo sheesh it’s not that hard

throw a Gabby in the mix, or matter of fact cast me (imagine LMAO)

This is so sad omg, the little girl watching the others be adopted I can’t 😭😭

Ok sister winnie we see u with some vocals!

Oh shit TB yikess

“Sometimes love is not enough” ouch that shit ‘hurted’ :(

Oo k trixie 😍 we see u

sweetie was in Paris Yass as she should (but lol love how they ignore the fact she left bc she relapsed)

PHOTOGRAPHIC NEGATIVE LMFAO VALERIE STOP

trixie running in her dress and stockings I can’t lmaoo but we love a fashionable midwife but imagine how gross her feet will be through those sheer nylons

not at all relevant but I remember tipsy-ly walking around the Brooklyn bridge barefoot after my hs prom and my feet looked like charcoal after 💀💀😂

SHE’S PUSHING STANDING UP???

My sister in law is cringing bc she’s currently 7 months pregnant and is imagining giving birth outside on the street

the Beverly sisters with rubber gloves 😂

Well that dress is ruined trixie 😂

How do they make those umbilical cords look so real?

the Barbara name tag😭

“It’s only a dress...” character growth ok, Beatrix has grown up 😢

I keep saying but I really can’t if shelagh adopts May

What is up with this pregnant lady who spooks like a dear?? (My sister in law said that lol)

no way she remembers something from 2 years old

SHELAGH IN BLUE SLACKS?? YES A LOOK  OK

Glad she finally is in pants tho lol, serving Laura Petrie looks

📢📢Everyone has a story.. 📢📢

My mom just said she wants those vintage tree icicles 😂

It’s been real sister W but bye bye

LMAO WAIT SHE SNAPPED

I remember reading that she was leaving so I’m not surprised

“I feel called to stay here and I don’t care who’s calling me” OK SIS !!! 📢 TELL EM

“Is your knocked elastic gone?”LMFAO aka don’t get your panties in a twistttt

A donkey I’m weakkkk

Patrick gave him Tim’s tree aww

LMAO Tim is pissed

This damn donkey lmaoo this is funny

ofc he likes candy😂

Shelagh and Sister J delivering a baby! This is pure

They said clever girl so take a shot

Another boy today!

LMFAO FRED AND REGGIE SCHEMING

It’ll be crazy fr if shelagh takes this little girl home, she’s already got two kids she doesn’t watch 😂

I’m triggered when I watch elections, takes me back to that horrible day in 2016..

Shelagh and sister J on the beach <3

BURGUNDY SLACKS YAS SHELAGH shawty got 2 pairssss

SECRET CIGS LMFAO OMG I LOVE THISSSS

Patrick can mind his damn business ok

They’re bonding over smoking and I love IT

THE INTENSE ASS MUSIC

IM NERVOUS WTF

SISTER JULIENNE CRYING OMG MY HEARR

SISTER MILDRED TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM THANK U LORDT

BEATRIX SERVING 60s DREAM LOOKS 😍 why doesn’t my hair look like that?

I’m also lowkey sad at the lack of Phyllis in this ep

ANGELA SPOKE HOLY SHIT IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

THEY FOUND BILLY OMFG ANOTHER CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

“You come home with me” BYE MY EYES ARE SWEATING

Trixie looks so damn good & her hug with sister Winnie was cute

the Turner’s are now that family in “in takes two” who they say collected kids 😂😂

This is so cute but I can’t believe it!! And then their were 5 Turner’s!

Neal as one of the 3 kings I am a mess

Vanessa Redgrave PLS chill I can’t I’m shedding caucasian tears 😭😭

LUCILLE HAS A BOYFRIEND??

OMG NO SHE BROUGHT THE CHURCH 🥰🥰🥰

Val is also serving a look!

STOP NOW IM CRYING FR FR

HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SINGGGGGG

I LOVE THE CHOIR UGHH

EVEN PHYLLIS SINGING <3

“we share the shift from darkness into light..” 😭😭❤️❤️ UGH MY HEART

That was so good I can’t wait to be able to watch season 8 in real time next month in LONDON!!

most of the ladies that come into the pilates studio are 45+ but there’s this one chic that comes in that looks my age, she’s the type that switches between “husband” and “boyfriend” when talking about her s/o, before class I over heard her talking to one of the 45+ year old members about her little sister picking out a prom dress “She’s only a sophomore so I told her she doesn’t need to go ALL out until NEXT year, that’s the prom that really matters. And of course then there’s SENIOR prom” ~ anyway can’t relate lmfao

.:BTS in PROM:.

Miyu note: Well, I was now full of energy ready to work again on my computer for entire days when this suddenly came out while speaking with Leen so yeah c: Thanks Leen for always being there to hear my strange ideas, tho maybe our prom was quite strange for me I enjoyed that we could at least take a pic <3 and I’m ready to continue clinging onto you for another 4 years so ya better be ready gurrrrl! (Miyu being emo now, don’t mind her, ily Leen <33333 u know it all ya mah best friend :’D)

Gifs aren’t mine! Also this is all just fiction and I wanted to make these funny, so please chill xd

Jungkook

Don't come near him, he'll flinch

Didn't want to come in the first place

Did so cuz u and his mom begged him and well-

"Too many girls in dresses" jungshook

jk jk well... maybe not, deal with him

Probably searching with his eyes for you the entire night but- too many ppl help this boi-

Prob the one who stays in the bathroom till his family says: let's go

Taehyung

The one that joins the dance floor when his old jam comes out

"Jagi JAGI LET'S daaAANCEEEEE!!!!!!"

Is never in his seat, always walking around

Made new friends of lower years in the bathroom really boi

Be careful around him or else you'll fall down because he accidentally step in your dress

Jimin

"Hello theeeeere-"

Tries to act smooth and gives you compliments all over

Honestly he'll get shy after doing so but whatevs

Compliment him please he's a sucker for that

Prob would get a lil emotional cuz he's graduating and he ain't going to see some of his friends again

Tries to interact with all his friends as much as he can

Namjoon

"I'm... Really graduating rn?"

Is Namshook

I mean ofc he knew he wasn't going to fail any signature and yeah but he still can't believe how time went by so quickly

Tried to take a marshmallow and ended up breaking the chocolate fountain (no one noticed it anyway)

Would probably be shy to dance but if you beg he won't be able to say no to you tbh

Needs a picture of you, you look so gorgeous he could die right there istg

Becomes very emotional at 4 a.m in the party when everyone's drunk and he's talking about other universes and the what ifs

Hoseok

He was screaming all the way to the prom

yelled in the middle of the speech to encourage his classmate

Hands on your waist cuz: "You look too beautiful, it's dangerous for my hearteu" (ok, so you better let go so u won't suffer-) "no"

Wants so badly to give you kisses all over your face but knows your make-up would get ruined so just pouts internally

Dances on the dancefloor, the hallways, the table, the bathroom, the first floor, the second floor, outside, with you, with your parents, with his classmates, with your friends, with his friends, with the teachers, with the other parents, with the lower years kids, with the floor, with the dog, with jesus christ, with god- (u understand now lol)

Is all smiley but after the party when he reaches his house cries his heart out cuz: MY FRIENDS NOOOOO- too lateu hobi

Yoongi

"Are they seriously going to make us come up on stage to take our damn papers-"

Is done with everything since the day started lol

Only came because of his friends and he wanted to see you so well

Sits with his friends the entire party with a neutral face

He ain't bored but he ain't enjoying idk how to explain that? lol

Jokes aside would probably get very real and tell good words to all the people he cares for -y'all will cry with him istg-

Secretly took tons of pictures of the party -and ofc of you ;)-

Cringes when he sees the video the teacher made with old pictures of y'all

Jin

Prom? Wth is dat, this is Jin's birthday party boi-

lmfao or that's what it seems like xD

All over the food, you can fight me on that. 

He probably noticed Nam broke the chocolate fountain but he ain't telling anyone -Namjin anyone-

"Ah, of course, we're the best looking couple in this party Y/N"

Dad jokes all the way for real, he went up on stage only to tell one I'm-

Ain't caring for anything, he's going to the dancefloor with you if you want 

Probably goes to the bathroom often to check if his suit still looks good

Selfies are a must gurl!

Screamed when an old selfie came in the video the teachers made -he's going to sue-

Admin Miyu (with the help of my forever best friend Eileeeen <3)

Entry 11. Sundays.

Posted and wrote this on the 9th of April, 2019. Look I started dating the entries because I guess that makes shit easier to read. If you noticed, or not, I have continued to post images and entries during my ‘break’. Despite having to wake up at 6 am almost every day, end-March to April has been really good for me so far. I’m absolutely loving the weather, spring vibes and how shit is slowly unpacking for me. I feel like I haven’t wasted a day so far. Every day I’ve done something productive or something that made me happy or something that would help me continue to develop myself. For instance, I went through old photoshoots I did and edited pictures, hung out with friends, looked and felt good everyday (by putting on some makeup and dressing up again), discovered new music, watched old movies, indulged myself in my astrology natal chart but also re-read old conversations and reflected on past-me. Anyways, my favourite day so far was last Sunday. It was a perfect day and even more perfect Sunday. I could sleep in, went to work and had a lovely shift. Then I went for smoothies and ate a sandwich with one of my best friends and we sat in the sun which was so so so lovely and the smoothies and food was so fucking good, I’m definitely gonna go there more often. We hung-out till the late afternoon and had a really good conversation -- in my opinion. I kinda forgot how educated I actually am, like in terms of politics and history, and it was very nice to like ‘apply’ what I learned. I realized that I definitely need to pick those topics up again, it makes me feel more fulfilled as a person, if that makes any sense.  Then, I had to go home to get ready because I was gonna hang out with ***, for some reason I felt very nervous as I cycled towards his. When I arrived at his, he kinda surprised me and wanted to take me to kardinge to like walk through nature and you know chill there. At first it was a bit weird because his ex-girlfriend or whatever called because there was some drama with her boyfriend using her phone to text *** about stuff -- I would instantaneously break up with my s.o. if they did that with me. Anyways, he told her that he was seeing someone else now and that he was with that person atm as he smiled at me -- cute. I think we walked around for like 2 hours and our conversations ranged from the dumbest shit to more in-depth convos. I’m always like amazed how there are these few people in my life who I can non-stop talk to. Like literally non-stop. But to continue, he kept grabbing my hand to hold and stuff and I would pull away cuz I’m stupid. I noticed that as we walked past people they would smile at us for some reason. We “”hiked”” up this hill and climbed this watchtower thingy which was obviously not made for people his height lmfao. At the top, we made out and jokingly contemplated having sex -- which would have been actually not too bad of an idea if it weren’t for all the little kids playing below us hahahahahahaha. He kept trying to break my cool by trying to turn me on -- lol I have hickeys all over my neck because of that.  After that, we went back to his place and went on his balcony for a bit and drank prosecco. As he grabbed my hand to hold, homeboy noticed after for fucking ever how tiny my hands are. Apparently having hands the size of a child is ‘cute’. Anyways then we liked chilled in our undies having good conversation. He kept rubbing his hands all over me and kept giving me these cute lil pecks over my body and on my forehead and cheeks, rubbing his fingers through my hair and shit -- he did this a lot during our walk as well -- and I remember thinking that we shouldn’t be kissing this much and he shouldn’t be this affectionate towards someone who is, at the end of the day, only his fuck buddy. He was also never this affectionate with me before. Maybe I’m jus overthinking shit -- I tend to do that a lot ;) -- but then again I have never experienced this much and type of affection with people who I was with before lol -- then again, I could also have a shitty taste in the people I date el oh el.  Obviously, we did the whole shabam. AND DEAR MOTHERFUCKING GOD IT WAS SO FUCKING PASSIONATE AND ROUGH AT THE SAME TIME SO CRAZY GOOD I- I CANT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT but yEA. May I note how it’s so fucking hot when you keep eye contact with someone as you guys are having sex, big oooooooooof. As I run through the memory I can mainly remember his like ‘face actions’ as my guts were being pounded out lmfao. Afterwards, we again kissed a lot and I remember this specific look he had on his face every time he would hover over me to lean in and kiss me. Pillow talk involved more kissing than usual and convo was good as usual. We went up to his roof to look at the stars and shit. Then we had sex again -- inside obviously, or maybe that isn’t so obvious lmfao. After that we ate cuz it was fucking late and watched Narcos before I slept in his arms as we always do. Besides the sex part, I really like the fact that I always can use him as a big ass pillow and lie half on him or that we spoon, basically that we always cuddle and sleep together -- I always wonder how his arm doesn’t numb out. Well. That was the end of a post that may seem like one big romanticization. Idk I always pick up on small details and changes in peoples behaviour and I can sense people’s moods and all that shit pretty well. And yea, I do overthink, I know that. Anyways, by writing out like I’m doing right now, I hope I can retain my cool and try to put the experience in the box of me not trying to overthink about it as I also believe that he probably doesn’t think too much of it and probably doesn’t care about me in that way anyways. In that way I hope to prevent me starting to like him again. I don’t trust him, not at all. I’m hella cautious; I definitely won’t let my feelings get hurt by him once again. I mean I’m fully prepared for him to try and hit on someone else during prom, as he basically did after my exam -- when he talked about that night he didn’t directly spoke about *that* specific thingy but it kinda felt like he was trying to justify *it* by putting such a big emphasis on how wasted he was and how it was a boys night or whateva. Besides that, I want things to stay chill with no pressure and part of me is still emotionally with someone else because that feels -- and is imo -- super unfinished. However, this day did open up a view of *** I didn’t have before. He made himself more ‘human’ if that makes any sense. I also realize that he (un)intentionally(????) puts up this asshole stigma whilst he actually is quite a sweetheart and good friend and shit. Naja. That was that, and on to the next good day (:

Survey #326

“life by life  /  waste to waste  /  i'm the harbinger: the master of decay”

When you get married what do you think you’ll put most of your focus and money into? Do you mean like, for the wedding? Probably the venue. Or possibly the photographer. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? No. What’s something you complain about frequently? My legs. Are you afraid of falling in love? Very. Are you close to any of your aunts/uncles? Not very. Do you hate it when people smoke around you? Very much so. Do you own anything that is special edition? Yeah, things like DVDs. Do you have any funky bookmarks? I have this one meerkat bookmark where the image moves when you tilt it. Did you ever watch Pokemon? Hell yeah I did. Are there more females or males in your family? Females. Does anyone in your family snore loudly? My mom does due to having gerd. Dad did too when I actually lived with him. I wouldn't know nowadays. Do you own a camera tripod? Yes. Did you ever believe in mermaids? No. Have you ever purchased alcohol? Yes. Any essential quirks/interests/other you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? Similar interests, like being a metal fan and gamer especially, as well as a serious animal lover for sure. Any romantic gestures you really like? Okay if someone did that little bow thing while reaching out for my hand to dance, I'd melt, lol. I also appreciate love interests holding open doors, SHOWING INTEREST IN HOW I FCKN FEEL, asking permission before doing anything in sexual exploration, stuff like that. Any sexual fantasies? Are you daring enough to share one? Yep, not sharing those lmfao. Have you ever been in love? Twice. What is your favorite/least favorite word? My favorite is "serendipity/serendipitous," and my least favorite is "retarded." Have you ever been skinny dipping? No. If I actually had a body I was confident in, I probably would in privacy tho at night lmao. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Oh yeah. What is your favorite thing to do? Probably RPing with my favorite OCs when I'm in a really creative mood and during a great scene. Did you go to your senior prom? Yeah, I did. Prom's honestly pretty damn overrated, but I did it and his senior prom anyway. It's the picking out a beautiful dress and taking pictures that I loved. What did you do after graduation? I don't remember. We probably went out to eat or something. Favorite home cooked meal growing up? Spaghetti. What item most embarrasses you to purchase? Nothing, really. Do you give cards to people for holidays or events? No. Name the coolest thing about one of your grandparents. Uhhhhh idk. Name two things you put whipped cream on? I hate the texture of whipped cream. Do you ever eat peanut butter straight from the jar? Sometimes if I want a snack but am trying to be healthy-ish, I'll eat just a scoop. What was the last pill you took for? Pain. Do you prefer your clothes loose or close fitting? Loose, 100%. Favorite thing you’ve ever painted? Meerkats grooming. I did it in high school on a large piece of burlap. Are there any songs that remind you of your mother? "Take It Like a Woman" by Alice Cooper, for one. How did your elementary school teachers describe you? Very smart, sweet, friendly, and nice. Game you were best at in PE/gym? Pf, none. Obsession from childhood? Dinosaurs and Pokemon. Best way for someone to bond with you? Let's talk about deep stuff regarding the world or about how awesome animals are. Top 5 favorite Vines? Oh boy. There are just way too many. I'll try to name a few: 1.) the "I can't find my berries" saga guy; 2.) *in drive-thru, asked what he would like to order* "I wanna FUCKIN DIE"; 2.) "i cOUldA DROPpeD my CroISSAnt"; 3.) "it's Wednesday, m'dudes"; 4.) "a d a m"; 5.) "I WON'T HESITATE, BITCH." God, I miss Vine. What is the first meme you remember seeing? Holy cow, I have no idea. Sci-fi, fantasy, or superheroes? Fantasy. Favorite tradition? Dressing up for Halloween, even though I don't do it anymore... Talent you’re proud of having? Writing. Favorite website from your childhood? Webkinz was unbeatable. I was obsessed. Any good luck charms? I don't believe in those. Favorite potato food? French fries. Tell me the color of your eyes, without using the name of a color: Uhhhh a cloudy sky right before rain? Ever been through a goth phase? Goth is my fucking AESTHETIC. I wish I could afford a truly gothic wardrobe, because you bet your sweet ass it's all I'd wear out. Can you remember your first phone? If so, what kind was it? I think so? It was a Blueberry, I believe. Who is your favourite character from Alice in Wonderland? Obviously the Cheshire cat. What is your favorite type of YouTube video to watch? Lately, it's been tarantula and snake channels/pet YouTubers. I still think my overall favorites are let's plays, but right now it's just stepping back a bit. What’s the next project you are excited to start? I have this pretty cool drawing I wanna do of a morbid meerkat doing a big toothy smile, doing a peace sign (but his fingers are syringes) with a crown blinking over his head. Inspired by the "Professional Griefers" lyric of "lab rat king." I just really wanna make it perfect and am procrastinating in fear of failing... Have you ever experienced a miracle? I don't think I believe in miracles. What are your top three names you like for a daughter? Alessandra, Justine, and Chloe, to name a few. Which did you like better: high school or college? High school, at least in most ways. What is the theme of your bedroom? It doesn't have a theme. My interests just kinda threw up everywhere, haha. Have you ever lived in a dorm? No. Were you raised religious? Yes. Do you do your own taxes, or do you hire a professional? I don't have to do taxes yet. What was the very first thing you ever saved up to buy with your own money? Venus was the first big thing, I think. Describe your favorite Christmas ornament: I don't know what that would be, honestly. We have so very many. What jobs did your parents have when you were growing up? Dad's always been a mailman, and he also had a second job as a carpenter for a while. Mom worked with special needs children at my elementary school as a teacher assistant. She also worked at the hospital at one point, doing some computer work. I don't remember her actual position. Are you taller than your mom? We're the same height. Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex? Sure, that's not a big deal to me. Last reason you went to the ER? For myself, a suicide attempt/overdose. What was the last word document you typed? This survey, actually, so I could save progress as I combine them. What’s something you don’t think people take seriously enough? Global warming. Have you ever dated someone who had a child from a previous relationship? No. Is there any drama currently going on with your family? No. What was the last fruit or vegetable you chopped/sliced up? An apple. I wanted apple slices with peanut butter. What is your favorite Hostess/Little Debbie snack? Holy SHIT that is impossible. Maybe the devil cakes, but I really don't know. I love most of them. Do you/your family buy loaf from the bakery or bagged on the shelf? Bagged. White, wheat or other? Mom buys white bread, but my favorite is pumpernickel. What was the last non-fiction book you’ve read? (Not a school textbook!): I ain't got a clue. I don't really read non-fiction. What color are your headphones/earbuds? These are blue. Would you be embarrassed to find out you snored loudly in public? Yep. Thankfully, I don't snore. Do you feel guilty about killing bugs? Yep. How do you feel about coconut? Not a fan. ^ Ever cracked one open? Ha, I've always wanted to. Who did you last worry about and why? My mom. She's getting a CT scan ASAP due to chronic headaches and stomach pain, so I'm worried her cancer might be re-emerging. When was the last time you ate/drank something gross just to be polite? I don't know; I struggle to do this. If I don't like something, my face shows it. I can't help it. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? Never. Do you have any framed black & white photos in your home? Who are they of? No. What’s the most expensive thing your car needed to get done? N/A If you had a thousand dollars to spend on a pricey brand you like but can’t really afford (until now of course), which ONE brand would you chose? I don't know. Real talk, I find most luxury brands to sell pretty ugly stuff... Do you like candy canes? Yeah. Do you still talk to any of your old teachers? Yes; one is my landlord. What color was the dress you wore to your senior prom? It was black. Ever go to another school’s prom? No. Do you like burning candles or incense? I love incense. Do you ever venture into the woods? What do you normally do in there? When I used to live in the woods, I did every now and then to take pictures. Does your significant other ever make you mix CDs? Single, but that would be so romantic. /swoons How did you dress your freshman year of high school? I was this emo/metalhead/goth creature. What is the best present you have ever received? My dog Teddy. <3 What is the best present you have ever given? I put the most effort into a scrapbook thing of well over a hundred reasons I loved my then-boyfriend Jason. Even though we're done, I honestly hope he still has it, just to remember. What is the best surprise you have ever had? Sara's parents paying for a flight up there to be with Sara for her birthday. Have you ever been robbed? No, thankfully. Ever kiss someone on the first date? No. Ever sleep with someone on the first date? Definitely a nope. Ever give someone a wrong phone number on purpose? No. What’s the strangest thing you have ever witnessed firsthand? I have no idea. It's... very morbid, but possibly dogs twitching after being euthanized. Seeing Teddy do it was such a strange, painful experience. Like there was still life in there... even though I know it was just his nerves doing their final hoorah and he was already dead. Ever seen a psychiatric ward? I've been in a mental hospital five or six times, so I'm uncomfortably familiar with them. What is the last thing you did that you didn’t want to do? Group therapy. I'm really burning out on it. Thankfully, I don't have it on the weekends. What is the last thing you convinced someone else to do? I dunno. If you could live in a different time, would you? When? Nah. Do you prefer to sleep alone or with someone else? Sleeping alone is more comfortably physically, but I usually prefer sleeping with a partner because there's this amazing feeling of safety, love, and companionship. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. Do you prefer cold air and blankets, or warm air and no blankets? Cold air and blankets by ten miles. I can't sleep if I'm even remotely hot. How often do you dust? Sigh, not as much as I need to. What is the most "extreme" activity you have ever done? I haven't done very much that fits that description... so idk. Dr. Pepper or root beer? Dr. Pepper. I hate root beer. Last room you cleaned? Mine. Last thing you did that made you feel like an adult? Checked into the doctor's office by myself, haha... Talk about sad. What’s your favorite picture of your mom? Dad? It's not my business to actually share those pictures, but I can describe them. I fucking ADORE this candid photograph I took of my mom laughing; I will forever cherish it. It's morbid to think about, but it's absolutely a picture I'll frame of her once she's passed away. I don't have many pictures of Dad, but I do really like this picture we took together at Red Lobster once. Are you subscribed to anything (Magazines, monthly boxes, streaming sites, etc.)? Mom pays an Adobe Creative Cloud photography bundle subscription for me, but that's it. Last TV show series you finished? Fullmetal Alchemist with Sara. It was a rewatch for me, but she'd never seen it. What’s something exciting that’s happened to one of your friends recently? A childhood friend got engaged a few days back. Do you have any board games? If so, where do you keep them? We have a few somewhere. What were the last things you glued together? I don’t recall. What are your friends’ pets’ names? I'll just use Sara here since she's my best friend. She has two family dogs, Buster and Beesly, a cat named Winter, four ball pythons named Martha, Crowley, Little Dot, and Jane Marie, and Doris, a bearded dragon that I personally adore most. :') What all did you do today? I played World of Warcraft early this morning, but not for very long. I've been in a phase of being very uninterested in it lately. I've mostly just done surveys... lots of surveys. I'm just in the mood to. I've also been listening to music and watching John Wolfe play Amnesia: Rebirth periodically. If you live in a house, how many floors does it have? If you live in an apartment building, how many units does it have? It's just one floor. Would you like to live in a world with mythical creatures, even if they turned out to be evil or dangerous? Honestly... I probably would, haha. Are you scared of heights? Yes. When was the last time you lost something of great sentimental value? Did you ever end up finding it again? Never, I think and hope. What food do you find to be the most filling? Is this something you eat a lot of? Eggs or oatmeal. Not really. What do you think of people who purposefully train their dogs to fight or to be aggressive? They're fucking garbage human beings. If you suffer/have suffered with acne, do you squeeze your spots or do your best to just leave them be? Ugh, I was so bad (and still am if something pops up) about picking at it. Does your father have any hobbies? What are they? Sure. He loves sports, fishing, idk if he still plays video games, fantasy football... and I can't forget playing with his grandkids. It's hard for me to know all of them when I don't live with him and see him rarely. What did the last face mask you wore look like? It was just a white cotton one. Is there a specific song that you always request at parties? What is it? I don't go to parties. Would you rather read poetry or write poetry? Write it. Have you ever had any really infected injuries? I've had infected piercings as well as a badly infected pilonidal cyst. Is there any band out there that you like every song by them? No. Are you popular on any websites? No. What was the last song you listened to? Aaaaand now I'm hooked on "NIHIL" by 3TEETH. Are you currently texting anyone right now? No. When was the last time you played jump rope? Yikes, probably not since I was a kid. I used to love it. Who was the last person you offended? I dunno. What’s the earliest you’ve ever had to wake up for work? Not early. Do you know anyone who has changed their first name? I know trans people who have, yes. Do you know anyone who has been on life support and survived? No. At least, I don't believe so. Do your parents have a strong relationship together? They're divorced, and Mom at least can't stand him. Dad doesn't really care. Do you ever feel like you’re sharing too much about yourself online? Oh, I absolutely used to. I still might, idk. I've tried to reel it back some. How many windows are in the room you’re in? Eight, but they're just small, vertical rectangles stacked together, so it's not as revealing as it sounds. What was the last necklace you wore? My spiked choker, I think, for pictures. Or maybe the one I have with a bunch of big silver skulls. Do you think there are more dimensions than what we’re able to perceive? I don't think so, no. Does anyone in your family have schizophrenia? My half-sister on Dad's side that I've never met. Have you ever been in an abandoned house? A shack, yeah. Do you like art? I positively adore it. I could NOT imagine life without it. How about theatre? I don't care for it. Have you ever made breakfast for someone? Yes, for Sara. Do you talk to your crush? If you have one. Yeah, she's my best fren. If yes, what do you usually talk about? Nowadays I ask her almost daily how she's doing in regards to her progress of recovering from both serious physical and mental stressors. I try to always be an available ear if she ever wants to vent. Would you rather read or watch a video about something? Watch a video. In what ways have you fulfilled some of the hopes and dreams you had as a teenager? I've fulfilled none of those. What’s one stressful thing you’ve been trying to deal with lately? How have you been dealing with it? Inexplicable, chronic boredom/serious anhedonia. I've just... put up with it. I get pleasure out of essentially nothing most days, and it sucks big time. I just try to distract myself and force myself to do things I usually love, though I've been bad about actually succeeding in making me do said stuff... Is there a regional chain of store/restaurant/etc. in your area that you feel very loyal to? MOTHERFUCKIN BOJANGLE'S, BITCH. You think YOU have good fries somewhere? Oh hunny, sit down. Oftentimes, people warn us against getting tattoos or body modifications or dying our hair unnatural colors because we could be judged poorly for them. But has a more “alternative” look ever worked out in your favor? Well, I like myself better with my piercings and tattoos, and that's all that really matters to me. Do you have any daily routine/habit of that you’re really proud of keeping up? No. .-. Pick one of the following activities to do in a forest (assume you would be equally good at each one of these): Foraging for mushrooms, identifying trees, searching for specific types of bugs, trying to build something out of fallen branches and logs. Searching for bugs w/ my camera!!! But that all sounds fun. What’s the hardest class you’ve ever taken? My most recent math course that I failed horribly.

All 100 for the ask thing!

Get to Know Me

1. What is you middle name?

i don’t have one

2. How old are you?

17

3. When is your birthday?

November 16

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Scorpio

5. What is your favorite color?

blues or pastel colors

6. What’s your lucky number?

idk?

7. Do you have any pets?

yep i have a hamster

8. Where are you from?

Israel

9. How tall are you?

5′4? 5′5?

10. What shoe size are you?

7 or 7 in a half in women’s American size ??

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

9?

12. What was your last dream about?

the last one i can remember was me being stressed and i was screaming at people and crying… like what fun

13. What talents do you have?

??? id k

14. Are you psychic in any way?

probs not?

15. Favorite song?

rn its take what you want by one ok rock

16. Favorite movie?

um doukyuusei obvi

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

anyone that can deal with my annoying self cause im needy and crave affection ;’ ))))) 

18. Do you want children?

can i have like a cat or a dog?

19. Do you want a church wedding?

no lmao

20. Are you religious?

not really

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yeah

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

not really

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

idk not really

24. Baths or showers?

depends on my mood but mainly showers

25. What color socks are you wearing?

im not wearing any

26. Have you ever been famous?

no?

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

idk 

28. What type of music do you like?

anything tbh like at this point idc

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

yep

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one and my deku body pillow

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

like one leg up and one down and blanket covering my head

32. How big is your house?

big ish?

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

i dont usually have any but when i do it like a granola bar or fruits maybe

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

not a real one?

35. Have you ever tried archery?

no

36. Favorite clean word?

??? 

37. Favorite swear word?

all of them are gr8

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

2 days

39. Do you have any scars?

yeah

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

??? idk

41. Are you a good liar?

NO LMAO 

42. Are you a good judge of character?

what does this mean?

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

russian, hebrew, and anything else idk

44. Do you have a strong accent?

depends i can fall back into it when im tired or when i spend too much time around fam

45. What is your favorite accent?

i dont have any im like anything is cool

46. What is your personality type?

bad ;’ )))))

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

my prom dress??

48. Can you curl your tongue?

yeah? ish

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

right

51. Are you scared of spiders?

veR Y

52. Favorite food?

i have no idea

53. Favorite foreign food?

samosas are my shit

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

both

55. Most used phrased?

“LMFAO”

56. Most used word?

shooken or blessed

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

depends

58. Do you have much of an ego?

no i hate myself

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

both

60. Do you talk to yourself?

sometimes

61. Do you sing to yourself?

not really

62. Are you a good singer?

i dont think i am but people say im alright

63. Biggest Fear?

death or being alone

64. Are you a gossip?

idk

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

shrugs i dk 

66. Do you like long or short hair?

short but long is lit too

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

probs not (how did i pass gov wth)

68. Favorite school subject?

choir always

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

both, depends on where i am and when 

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no?

71. What makes you nervous?

everything LMAOOO

72. Are you scared of the dark?

yeP

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

sometimes

74. Are you ticklish?

yeah please dont tickle me i will attacc

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

??? no?

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

no? idk

77. Have you ever drank underage?

lmao all the time (shout out to them russian parents that let me B’ ))))) )

78. Have you ever done drugs?

no

79. Who was your first real crush?

idk tbh

80. How many piercings do you have?

4

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

yeyeyeyeye

82. How fast can you type?

sometimes

83. How fast can you run?

not too fast but depends on how hard i try

84. What color is your hair?

orange bleach blonde and brown

85. What color are your eyes?

light brown

86. What are you allergic to?

nothing that i know of

87. Do you keep a journal?

no?

88. What do your parents do?

my mom is a nurse and my dad is an engineer and a project manager at philips

89. Do you like your age?

idk kinda

90. What makes you angry?

donald trump :’ ) but many other things too idk

91. Do you like your own name?

not my birth name

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

i always look at baby names but i dont want kids

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

NO

94. What are you strengths?

idk

95. What are your weaknesses?

im negetive, im weak, im scared of everything, many more

96. How did you get your name?

my mom picked my birth name cause she liked it but i chose my name cause u take out 2 letters and its my name

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

i have no idea

98. Do you have any scars?

yes this was already asked?

99. Color of your bedspread?

floral

100. Color of your room?

pink

48

Remote button survey

54 questions

[Pause: Currently]

What style is your hair in?

It’s frizzy and kinda all over the place. My bangs are pushed to the side, out of my face.

What’re you wearing? Pajama pants and a sweater

What’s the weather like outside? -1 and it’s cloudy

What time is it? 2:08am

What’re you sitting on? Kitchen chair

Who, if anyone, is in the room with you? No one. I’m all alone :’(

What’s on your mind? I have to be up early tomorrow.. and Ahric

What make-up, if any, are you wearing? No makeup currently

What month is it? March.

[Fast Forward: Future]

What career do you want? I want to work as a concept artist for video games Either that or I want my own little art business

What age do you think you’ll get married by? Oh god uhhh I’m kinda wanting to be married before I hit 25 I guess ahaha

What about having kids? No thank you

What age do you plan on moving out? Hopefully before the end of this year so... 20-21.

Can you see yourself moving away from here and if so, to where? Somewhere down south. Preferably Vancouver but even Kelowna would be okay with me.

Do you think you’ll marry your current significant other? Hmm.. I’m not sure! We haven’t been dating too long yet. Wishful thinking though haha.

Do you know what the weather is supposed to be like for the rest of the week? It’s supposed to start getting warmer but it’s gonna be rainy and cloudy ;A;

What tattoos and/or piercings do you want in the future? I want a sleeve, honestly. I have a few other random tattoos picked out.  For piercings.. I want a tongue piercing and maybe a few dermal piercings since I think they’re nice.. 

Do you want any cosmetic surgery sometime down the line, if you had money for it? Yeeeesssssssssssss. I want more pronounced cheekbones and fuller lips...

In ten years, how old will you be and where do you see yourself? I’ll be 30 and hopefully living happily with my SO and working at a job I enjoy.

[Rewind: Past]

When’s the last time you took a shower? Like... 2 hours ago

What was the last text message you sent? “Gooodnight.. <3″

What did you do yesterday? I spent the day at Ahric’s place.. I got high with him and his friends, watched him play video games for a bit, and we cuddled a lot.

How old were you when you first started dating? 20 lmfao

When was the last time you saw your best friend? Idk.. February 3rd I think

What was your first word? I have no idea

What’s your earliest memory? The first time I went outside in the snow..

Do you remember what you were doing twelve hours ago? I was at work

Three years ago, did you dress the same way you do now? Slightly. I prefer to wear dresses now.

How old were you when your first younger sibling was born, assuming you’re not the youngest or an only child? I was 5.

[Eject: Stuff You Wish Didn’t Happen]

How did your first serious breakup go? I have not had one

TW// Have you ever had an eating disorder? I have. Still kind of do... 

TW// Have you ever cut yourself? Yes. Twice.. I can usually stop myself from doing it so it’s never been a big issue... 

TW// Have you ever thought about or attempted suicide? I’ve thought about it plenty. Been very close to attempting.

What was the last thing you cried about? Feeling like I don’t matter too much to Ahric..

What’s one thing that’s stressing you out like crazy right now? Nothing really for once lol.

Have you ever had a horrible teacher and/or boss? I sure have

The first time you dumped someone, was it hard? I’ve never dumped anyone so...

[Record: Awesomeness That Deserves to be Recorded on Video Forever]

When was the last time you laughed really hard and what was it about? Ahric was tickling me >:c

What was the last funny movie you saw? The Lego Batman Movie

The last time you ate something really delicious, what was it? The burger from McDonalds I got today was damn good

The last time you got your paycheck, how much was it and were you satisfied with it? It was like... $280 and no, I wasn’t. 

How exactly did you and your best friend meet? School

What was the last compliment you received? Ahric told me I was cute yesterdaayyyy

What’s one thing you wish you could relive just for one day? Oh god... either prom or dry grad. 

[Play: From This Moment On]

Now that you’re done, what will you do? I prob gonna go to bed soon...

What’s on your agenda for today? Maybe more surveys... And sleep. Then I’m gonna wake up and go for lunch and maybe see Ahric later.

What’s your next meal going to be? Lunch

Will you change your clothes later in the day? When I wake up

Who do you plan on seeing today? My grandpa for sure. 

Are you going to take another survey afterwards? Yaaas

Is the weather supposed to stay this way all day or will it change? It’s supposed to get wamer

Do you have any chores you need to do? Nah

Do you have work later in the day? Nope

What about any homework to do? Nooo