#theres barely room as it is
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I have this vague feeling that I'm gonna lose my job this week so even though I have a bunch of money I'm just sitting on it because I'm not gonna buy a fancy cat feeder or stuff to redo our kitchen backsplash if that might mean we don't have enough to eat in a couple of weeks. The projects can wait.
(But at the same time I feel like speaking it is going to make it real if it wasn't before, so I'm only writing it here. Anxiety begone!!)
#shut up cait#everything is temporary nothing is real#this place can suck my ass if they think theyre gonna take any of my extra brain space#theres barely room as it is
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i was finally able to have the house to myself for a bit today... brought all my dirty dishes out of my room and was able to tidy up a little bit without feeling weird
#by tidy up i mean put my dirty clothes into a hamper and my clean clothes onto the floor so i can reclaim my bed#i dont know why i feel so stressed taking dirty dishes out of my room with other ppl around#im self conscious. i think because my mom would get mad if she saw me doing it#and that leads to bad eating (not being able to eat) etc.#i took rlly poor care of myself this week.... but it felt like it just didnt slow down#i was barely able to feed myself cause there was just no time for grocery shopping#and i STILL need to grade tomorrow#bc thr fucking. kids. are so stupid. using chatgpt and making my head hurt#i cant wait to grocery shop tomorrow#i might try and get up early for it so theres no one around but we'll see#me saying 'i cant wait to grocery shop' u know its bad when i HATE grocery shopping#but this evening was wonderful... after a field trip day that was good for me (got sun on my face) i came home and washed my hair#and got cozy and played stardew valley and balatro#i'll do laundry tomorrow... grade... grocery shop... try and just relax#anyway ur still here. gives u a thanks 4 reading sticker
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#nico rosberg#lewis hamilton#brocedes#f1#im sorry mr rosberg you know of the 6 different times Lewis hamilton has had a 1st lap crash#are u crazy sir#you dont think lewis isnt lying in his bed at night trying to sleep but he cant#because hes remembering the times nico and him used to lie in the bed for their shared hotel room shirtless and in boxers#trading secrets whilst munching on kellogs frosties#web weaving#they ruin me#they are my roman empire#the whole idea of just THEM drives me crazy because how?#how did this shakesperean tragedy just happen like right in front of our eyes on the tv#tf#the way lewis barely talks about nico but could muster up anecdotes about THEM as their friendship was going up in burning embers#at his worst he was able to say it#but now that time has healed that wound he cannot#the way nico couldn't compliment lewis then because his ego was too big and now he never stops#time has not healed that wound theres a faint scar that smt catches lewis' eyes and hes right back there again#only for a moment tho#he never lets his brain linger for too long#nico finds lewis on everything#the color red and nico is back hugging lewis with his vodafone red overalls
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Trying to organize all my crafting supplies with a single rubbermaid bin and a handful of tote bags and also it all has to fit in like 4 sq feet on the floor of my closet bc I am not allowed To Take Up Space except my bedroom is already really small and my closet half sized as it is and so it's just
#the duality of fran#i love organizing this is just hell#bc i cannot create an effective storage system under these situations#let alone a visually PLEASING SYSTEM#did i fuckin mention.#got home from my catsitting staycation#there is now a stationary bike in the room outside my bedroom#but when i wanted to set up a weight lifting bench there??? not allowed#when i wanted to set up a crafting area??? it was a maybe#For fucks sake yall#i cant even just have a folding table permanently set up in the basement#for crafting#like. HELLO???? HELLO????? CAN I EXIST??? BLEASE???#it is very hard to have hobbies without being able to take up any space permanently#textile crafting is not something that is. uh. easily portable#when youre all organized and set up by material and colour and supply type#ONE (1) TABLE#i cant use my room bc there is no floor space it is literally a bed a bookshelf and my desk#and theres barely room to walk#and that's WITH my books all double stacked#and having installed extra floating shelves for storage#There is literally. no space#ngl i am kinda genuinely upset about this
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I've mentioned this detail before but there's that stupid line in the movie when Bella goes to the Quileute reserve, sees Jacob there, & she's like "are you stalking me?". He lives there you stupid bitch
#Bella will go to the rez & be surprised that theres Indians there#but a dude shes barely talked to shows up in her room in the middle of the night repeatedly & shes like 'how romantic!'#twilight anger on main
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scott appreciation week (day 4) → i think it’s my fault
― Andrei Tarkovsky, Journal 1970-1986
#twedit#scottmccalledit#scottmccallweek#dont talk to me about the last gif i dont want to hear it#ive taken one art history class and the only redeeming thing about the last gif is that it kind of looks like a painting almost#with like the faded gauziness and how the tarp almost looks like brushstrokes#I TOOK ONE ART HISTORY CLASS PLEASE DONT BULLY ME ABOUT THIS#and i do think it adds to the effect. like its over. theres no fighting it. hes a saint.#the rest are in focus and vibrant and the last one is kind of blurred out. okay maybe i like it now.#anyway its really about how scott doesnt get to be a kid and so rarely are the adults in his life adults#and its not necessarily their faults. like. very many of them are also human.#deaton steps up for him a lot and melissa does her best and imo only ever really fails bc of poor writing choices#and by s6 when chris is trying to be his stepdad i think he's stepped up in a big way too#but. like. melissa raised a good kid. and shes a good mom. but life still happens and no one really talks abt how scott was parentified too#like. you gave a kid with a fixer complex supwerpowers. he is obviously going to feel the need to be a superhero#he barely got to be a kid before that and he certainly doesn't get to now which we see as early as season 1#when he leaves his friends and girflriend in a room to hide in a room to go fight a monster#he doesnt get to hide. he doesnt get to not fight. by formality he's saying that he has to protect everyone#in fury matt shoots him in front of his mom and makes him leave her and threatens to kill her and he still cant help but show him sympathy#during his Tragic Backstory. like. scott wouldve saved matt if he couldve. i bet he thinks about matt honestly.#WAIT FUCK#FLASHING GIF TW#for the fourth andddddd seventh one#maybe the third one? im not sure but its him breaking thru the mountain ash its all glowy#anyway#scott doesnt get to be a kid and by s5 they forget that he's even a person#and by s6 they try to assert that as a positive#every villain makes him kinder but only because he doesn't have an alternative. it changes him. it can't not change him.#he can't be the same after. so it's kinder or crueler but crueler was never an option.#theyve made him into a saint by robbing him of his personhood
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I am once again missing people so much that my heart aches
#its been like 2-3 years since ive seen them and i still cant get over seeing pictures of them with their friends and im just#not there...#even pictures from the times we lived together. i just wasnt there#i wasnt there for them at all. i was living life like a ghost#i barely left my room#i could never go with them to concerts or restaurants or anything because they knew id get overwhelmed because of my autism and chronic pain#so i just... never got invited anywhere. that still happens now#makes my life feels so painfully empty sometimes#theres so much i want to do. so much i wanted to do#none of the people i miss are dead so why does it still hurt so much? i could talk to them again if i wanted#... but i really can't. i really can't#it wont be the same. we'll still never reconnect. it hurts so much my heart physically aches#i wonder if they ever think about me
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I would like to take a moment to showcase this giant fucking snorlax my neighbor passed down to me
Pov: you are tap, you get home from rehearsal, open the door to your room, and are greeted by this fucking creature
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i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane
(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)
#i feel so isolated from everything bc i’m not in school rn but all my friends are and 90% of the ones who are in state go to the same school#so they’re all in the same town and here i am 45 minutes away#i never get invited to anything bc 1) my friends all tend to make plans really last minute#and 2) if we want to go out and drink - which we usually do bc that’s the stage of life we’re in rn - i’d have to stay the night with#someone bc i absolutely cannot afford a 45 minute uber home and most of my friends don’t like staying over / having people stay over#so i have basically no social life and it’s only gotten worse in the past couple months since i got laid off from my main job#not only did i love that job but i loved my coworkers and work was pretty much the only time i left the house and interacted with people#and without that job i can’t even do the little solo things i used to do to cheer myself up like go see a movie#or even just go for a long drive bc i’m broke (as in i have $17 in cash to my name and am like $1000 in debt rn)#so all i do is rot in bed all day and apply for jobs that i’m overqualified for yet still don’t get hired#i barely even leave my room bc i avoid my family which just makes me feel guilty bc i love my family#but they get on my nerves so easily and most of the conversations i have with my mom end in her lecturing me about something and me crying#and on top of everything it’s just straight up embarrassing to be unemployed and completely directionless about college and living at home#logically i know i’m still very young and it’s common to live at home when you’re 20 but literally none of my friends do#i had a couple friends who lived at home for the first 2 years after high school and went to community college but by now they’ve moved out#and they’re all at universities and either graduating this year or next year meanwhile the earliest i could possibly graduate is in 2 years#i should be finishing my junior year rn but i’ve only completed my freshman year#i hated the school i was at and planned on transferring sophomore year but long story short that didn’t work out#even longer story short i ended up doing a semester each at 2 different community colleges and failed all my classes both times#and took 2 semesters off so now i’m a full 2 years behind and even though my freshman year was miserable#i’m starting to wish i stayed at that school anyway bc at least i would be at a university and accomplishing something#plus theres a huge difference between staying at home for a couple years after high school then moving out later#vs living on your own right away then having to move back home after you’ve already experienced having your own space#and on top of everything i have an older sister who’s a literal genius and graduated last year#and a younger sister who just finished her freshman year at the school i hated but she loves it and got perfect grades and made friends#so they’re both thriving and here i am living with my mom and my 13 year old brother and just completely failing at everything#i’m just so miserable and obviously moving out again and going back to school wouldn’t magically fix everything#but at least i would feel like my life was going somewhere and i wasn’t getting left behind by everyone i know#i just have no idea how to move forward and i feel like ever since high school not a single thing has gone the way i wanted it to#vent
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ok im feeling very lonely rn.....
#my sisters have been with my mom all day since sunday :(((#i have barely been able to talk to her at all#and it is rough hearing how they watch movies and eat together and just talk#while im alone in my room#idk....#and they just keep being around her constantly so theres never any chance for me to just hang out w her#i dont have anyone else to talk to so im just feeling very very very lonely#im so sick of being alone
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The way Yoon most likely never had a friend around his age until Gilyoung and Hwapyung makes me want to rip my hair out
#boosaot#Kdrama#The Guest#The Guest ocn#Choi Yoon#Kang Gilyoung#Yoon Hwapyung#in the orphanage he stayed in his room all day and barely talked like…ever#and he was bullied in school#like theres no chance this dude had friends#im going to gnaw my fingers off because of this man#this trio means the universe to me#its likely that all 3 of them never made time for friends but least likely to have them is Yoon
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for a long while when I'd visit my relatives on the chesapeake for a brief respite from the hells of home life, there was an odd beat-up little cardboard box sitting amid the plastic-cased ds games in the gamestop I'd always visit (rarely to actually get anything)
finally, one time before the journey back to hell, i actually had a scattering of bills in my pocket. after looking around at the shelves of shovelware (i didnt have enough for any of the proper titles like mario or pokemon), i finally decided to bring the story to a close and give the ragged little box a home
it was Sola-to-Robo, one of the rarest ds games ever published, possibly the most technically advanced engine ever devised on the system, and among the most unique and emotional experiences I'd ever encountered in a video game (which is saying something considering I'd already all but lost emotion by that point)
i barely remember it anymore, but for the time it became my favorite standalone game of all time (although it technically is part of a series, succeeding the PS1's equally obscure Tail Concerto)
I still dream of returning to it and seeing just how well it holds up from a more experienced point of view
the one thing i do remember is that it had and still has by far the most beautiful and powerful opening song of any game ive ever encountered, which is saying something considering the hundreds out there! it's up there with Atelier Meruru's Cadena
also the fact that when you beat the game, after the credits it goes "chapter 2" and there's an entire sequel within the game. altogether both parts are probably not longer than any other rpg, but on the original ds where full 3d action rpgs were resource intensive and typically limited in scope, it was mindblowing
also it apparently had like undefeatable copy-protection and to this day still requires a modified rom to emulate or even run on original hardware without a card?
anyways.... remarkable game. i was shocked to find that it's one of the most sought after titles on the system. in rarities ive personally enountered it's second probably only to Retro Game Challenge, which I encountered at regular price once in the late 2010s but didnt have the money for at the time... that's my "one that got away"
#for me it's also up there with klonoa and a handful of old sonic titles for having anthro designs that are actually great instead of weird#i always start thinking anthro designs are just a lost cause but then i remember like solatorobo and redwall and beatrix potter and am like#“no theres tons of room for animal folk in art it's just that modern 'furryism' is usually so soulless and based on corporate mascot styles#anyways..... my short recollection of a remarkable game#hotel dusk and last window are very rare too but theyre so obscure their prices aren't actually that high#tingle's rosy rupeeland wasnt expensive either back in the day but i bet it's gone way up now. wish i got it back then#mario 3-on-3 is another one that's insanely rare but absolutely no one remembers or cares about it lmao#i found it at a gamestop in ass-nowhere shenandoah in 2020 long after the stores were supposed to have done away with their ds collections#anyways..... original ds is a favorite system of mine... not actually for nostalgia reasons (i barely experience any anymore)#but for the sheer variety and uniqueness of titles to be discovered on it... maybe the most of any platform ever#and the fact that many of them had SSS-tier stylistic direction#ive yet to find another title that even comes close to the blue-skies beauty of bomberman land ds#OG ds was definitely a blue-skies system
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a couple of youtubers i subscribe to have been playing minecraft recently, either in a "ive never played mc but ill give it a shot" or a "i havent played minecraft since horses were added" way, and watching them has really made me realize how much ive just been min-maxing minecraft lately. like ive been doing some fun stuff, but its mostly extremely large projects that take hours of farming that isnt really fun for me. watching other people just play the game slowly and have fun inspired me to try and go back to experiencing the game that way, and it is so much more fun than what i've been doing.
does anyone else play minecraft in a 'i maximized my space for efficiency and then blanked on what else to do' style or am i just playing the game wrong
#i built a house in a new area thousands of blocks away from my original spawn#and actually took the time to make it pretty instead of just being like 'ah theres enough room for a bed and some functional blocks'#i think ive solved my problem of being bored in minecraft after beating it and its that i only ever do big time consuming projects or#the absolute bare minimum to maximize efficiency#and never try to just. be like oh let me build a little thing for decoration with random blocks. hehe#simon says
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.
#literally how are you supposed to get anywhere in this fucking world#three years out from graduating uni w tens of thousands in debt and after some attempts at other jobs im still making the same hourly rate#as i was right when i graduated#i will never be able to afford a better apartment#i will never get a better job. ive been through so many already#this is the best and easiest ive had and even then its 40 hours a week of bullshit#cant get another job even w all my exp i never hear back from anywhere#whats the point? whats the point????#I'll never pay my loans off I'll never be able to live in more than a shitty crammed room that i can barely walk around in#never own a pet never go anywhere unless my dad fucking pays for it#never have any privacy or space for myself ever again#never going to retire never going to be anyone worth knowing anything about#whats the point whats the point whats the point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! theres no way out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#rant#whatever
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Behold. My new fav image of Bernie Wolfe.
#no i do not accept critism#This is the face of an introvert at a party when they realise theres a dog in the corner of the room#Jemma redgrave#Bernie wolfe#berena#I'm doing a thing with green at the moment. Bare with
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SHARE COLLEGE AU
HBDJVBDJFH ok. ok.
the basic premise is that like. any character that could be hced as indigenous. is hced as indigenous . and then u take everyone and plop them in 1999 in a college setting with some added bg for each of the characters and motivations and stuff yk
i will admit it is ww centric as its written from his vague pov (third person limited omniscient) but i digress. hes in november trying to get a degree asap so he can fulfill an ultimatum proposed by chapel so he can get livio out of the system and fuck off back to the reservation he grew up on (for context ww is crow+seminole and livio is crow) but he shows up to the college and his roommate is this . scene guy. enter legato our favorite french canadian (besides hornfreak love u hornfreak) who becomes begrudging besties. sort of . with ww
he recommends him a coffee shop and ww goes there before going shopping for shit he needs and thus we get one of our big hubs of the au: threes a crowd! a number of characters work there including brad, luida, zazie (navajo) and of course. vash (mixed white + kanien'keha:ka) he meets him and doesnt really like . register him much beyond it bc hes got bigger fish to fry :sob:
and obv ive planned a lot more (36 chapters for part one. augh) including but not limited to: ww struggling through his coursework (majoring in social work) and being aided by one of his teachers (roberto. love u king u may be tristamp only but u have bewitched me) (hes also ojibwe. love him), ww joining up with a mentor club and accidentally befriending two journalism majors (meryl and milly!!!! inuk and seneca respectively) (also specifically meryl is a photojournalism major!), ww continually running into this one pipsqueak around town who gives him attitude (zazie <3), and also dealing with whatever situationship legato is in (i could not resist making him and nai messy as fuck)
theres also obv other characters that r in there that im still trying to sew in in a way that makes sense: elendira (journalism professor, russian + sami), rollo (mexican + southern paiute, havent entirely decided on his major though so sorry king), hornfreak (a part of the school band. fascinating man. at one point he holds a halloween party) and a bunch of others i havent gotten to yet :sob:
theres a lotttt going on in this au ill be honest but also objectively it is very slice of life . but heres a list of stuff i have planned
vash and nai as lacrosse players. vash invites ww out to games and is really silly abt it
for a not insignificant amount of time ww learns about legatos situationship and bc legato never mentions names he thinks vash has a secret insane ass thing going on with legato . it isnt until chapter 11 (allegedly) that he finds out vash has a twin brother and goes back to legato like . hey. is it vash and legatos like ew what?
milly and meryl are enraptured by roberto working at the school bc he did a lot of journalism work that inspired them to join the field. silly shenanigans ensue
on the topic of milly and meryl they are so fascinating to me. they originally met in the mentor club and hit it off immediately based on their similar (but different) familial issues and the horrors
vash and ww plan out a bunch of movie nights including: scream, 10 things i hate abt you and smoke signals
chapel drama followed immediately by ill-timed vash and ww argument
while ignoring vash ww gets a nokia <3 love loses
at the halloween party milly accidentally walks in on them in a compromising position (nothing was happening) and awkward bs ensues where vash comes around and it like its ok theyre chill and Not Gay but it wouldnt change anything if they Were Gay but They Arent so its Fine
livio and ww apartmentsitting for vash and nai while theyre off visiting family during the holidays :D
nye party where vash and ww almost kiss and thus ends part 1 . LOVE LOSES
also i should list what everyones majoring in that i didnt mention but this is already long enough good lord
all this to say. i am insane god bless
some small cuts from the draft so far beneath the cut bc i couldnt resist
none of those are in order but its ok <3
#like i said. extremely self indulgent but its ok <3#love and light#ive written around 12k for it so far but ive barely scratched the surface dear lord#asks#my writing#theres also so many small things that im wanting to incorporate into it like#for example#im wanting to showcase livio finding independence and figuring stuff out for himself while also stressing chosen family and the importance#of support#bc at the start bc of how livio is treated by hopeland at large + chapel (not miss melanie shes normal)#hes dealing w a lot of like. learned helplessness and frustration abt it all bc hes being treated with kid gloves 24/7 bc he has did right#and on top of that everyone avoids him and all hes really got is miss melanie. ww. some of the attendants at the church he gets sent off#to spend his time at#so hes like. painfully isolated even at 18 bc chapel treats him like a charity case and keeps him there 'out of the goodness of his heart'#so over the course of the au i want to explore livio finding his voice and figuring shit out and maybe. maybe even having a full blown#argument w ww where he lashes out bc hes frustrated that everyone is making decisions for him right#i just oaughughagknsgbgsf#THERES SO MUCH I WANT TO EXPLORE IN THE AUUUUU#SO MUCH#rubs my gay little hands together#ALSO FAIR WARNING#im researching a lotttt for this au bc obv . u have to research shit#even like 'dorm room prep' like what the fuck is that long ass laundry list#insane
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