#there’s a difference between acceptance and glorfiying | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shiningstarr15 · 1 year

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‼️warning: the post I’m about to make has heavy topics pertaining to mental illness and disability. Please view at your own discretion‼️

I want to come on here to talk about something that I don’t feel gets talked about enough. And that is mainly thanks to social media that has advocated to the understanding of mental illness and disability to the point that it is immensely glorified. And while I would rather choose the lesser of the two evils than deal with the ableism and discrimination, I think it needs to be addressed on why glorifying it is also very problematic.

As you know by now, I am on the autism spectrum, and with this came a slew of other mental health conditions that I have suffered from for a long time such as anxiety and depression. One thing I would never want to do is beg for pity. I am still a functioning human being and do not wish to be treated as a charity case. However, I think it is important to showcase the darker side of being diagnosed with such a condition as Autism.

What you see, you may see awkward social interaction, you may see unusual movements of my arms and legs and even my whole body(stimming), you may see high emotional sensitivity, you may see aversion to loud sounds, and so forth. And these are things that, in of itself, are not inherently bad. Yes I am prone to accidental inappropriate social interaction, but there is ways of accommodating and advocating for it while still holding me accountable. Gentle approaches and positive reinforcement go such a long way. And the more people learn and accept that, the better quality of life you make for me and my community.

What you don’t see, is the struggles that come with it.

Being autistic comes with many many processing issues. Auditory, sensory, information, visual, cognitive, etc. And like the disorder itself, they all live on a spectrum and affect us all differently. One of these things that we struggle with due to this processing issue, and the one we usually get the most abuse from, is personal hygiene.

I took a shower tonight, which is something I struggle with due to the task of having to wash myself, having sensory issues such as too strong of smelling soap and the water temperature not being right, but also the transition from being wet to cold is something I hate. I hate drying myself and the water from my hair dripping down my back. I don’t like water on my face. The entire thing is an absolute hellscape.

But it needs to be done, so I got in. And I noticed that my hair felt heavier than usual. After shampoo and conditioner, I ran my fingers through my insanely thick and long locks. And.. it got stuck.

With conditioner, it was stuck.

That is how bad the tangles were. As a result of having not brushed it for weeks. Yes, weeks.

Over the course of the shower, I pulled out probably a dozen knots, all around this size..

I’m tender headed, brushing my hair hurts my neck and my arms. So I wear hats to cover it, it also helps as an impromptu noise buffer so it’s a win win in the moment. However, it just adds on to the ever growing tangles and become more and more prominent until I actually do something about it.

This is something in it of itself, I’ve grown used to.

But as I ran through the tangles, yanking out knot after knot, the hair piled in the drain.

When I looked down and saw the result, I couldn’t believe how much hair was caught in the absolute rats nest that had accumulated for weeks.

And I cried.

I still have plentiful hair, but I didn’t want to lose that much. I hadn’t even realized it had gotten so bad. As I got out I immediately noticed the lightness on my head and panicked, thinking I may have a bald spot (I don’t) bc so much was gone now..

I may be used to it, but I hate it still. Every time. But it happens over and over again, bc I hate brushing my hair.

This.. this is the true dark reality of living with Autism.

I love my hair, and me not liking to brush it does not mean I don’t care. It is a physically daunting task, it fucking HURTS, and it sucks bc I KNOW it’s not supposed to!

Everyday I wake up, the lights are too bright and I can hear every sound like a siren. It takes excess energy just to get out of bed, even more to change clothes, and if I am lucky, even more to brush my hair. I have 30 min to decide before I get to work what my support needs are today bc they change DAILY. Some days I have enormous amounts of anxiety, some days I have sensory overstimulation, some days I feel literally touch starved, some days I can’t find the right words to say, or barely want to say anything. I have to figure out what I need, what will get me through the day, what will allow me to survive. And even now, I am struggling to find my place in the workforce due to the lack of resources and currently on the verge of autistic burnout that I’m desperately trying to avoid.

Every time I brush my hair, there are knots. And when I brush my teeth, there is blood in the sink.

This is my reality.

I am imploring you to PLEASE consider these things when you say things about how hating autism is “internalized ableism” or glorify it to the point that it becomes a trend that everyone wants to have bc it’s “cool.” I do NOT like being autistic. It has caused me immense heartache, trauma, struggle, and being in constant survival mode. It FUCKING SUCKS.

I have accepted that I am autistic. But I do not enjoy it. It is still, in its own right, a DISABILITY. It is not something to be glorified and praised. It is not something that is “trendy” and something you WANT to have.

Wanting answers is one thing, I understand that. That’s how I got my diagnosis. But I am begging and pleading, DO NOT ASK FOR IT. If you have it, learn to accept what is and learn what you need to do in order to live your best quality of life. It is not something to be taken as a joke, it is not a “gift” and it is not a trend.

It is a disability. It is a disorder. A brain disorder. A processing disorder. And it fucking sucks.

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