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dontjudgemeimawriter · 3 years

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20 Questions

Tagged by @sleepy-night-child

1. why did you choose your URL?

It’s off of the joke that you should never judge a writer’s browsing history, but to be fair it’s also you can’t judge a writer for anything because hey it’s for a story!

2. any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

Yep! This is a side blog. My main is @magicmoon65.

Two blogs that I co-manage are @yourbookcouldbegayer which is a LGBTQ writing advice blog and @dateasapphicwho which has nothing to do with writing and is a wlw suggestion blog.

My other interests have some sideblogs, though considerably less active, including @how-to-be-okay which is a self-care blog, @thewaywethinkiscool which is a psychology nerd studyblr, @hdc2tog which is a craft/crochet blog, and finally, @rainbowpointyhat which is a witchcraft blog.

3. how long have you been on Tumblr?

Ummm maybe 7 years?

4. do you have a queue tag?

Nope and I don’t know what those are for, even as a tumblr veteran. I queue things sometimes but don’t tag it.

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

this blog I started because... tbh I think I wanted a place to share writing posts, then I wanted to share my writing, then I lost confidence in that, then I get more into writeblr.

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

The one rn I chose way bac when I started this and it’s just a writer meme type thing (If you can’t see it it says Writer’s Block: When your imaginary friends refuse to talk to you). But I’ve been considering changing it, maybe to that planet picrew I did.

7. why did you choose your header?

*Checks my header* ummm writing aesthetic pic I hadn’t used? haha should prob change that too. But I also don’t want to change the whole blog design now that people actually look at it.

8. what's your post with the most notes?

original post? A Last Line tag of Terran falling asleep. Kinda a nice one so I can see why.

9. how many mutuals?

Please tell me how to find out your mutuals? Especially considering this is a sideblog and a lot of people follow form their main? Yeah I have no idea.

10. how many followers?

126

11. how many following?

Okay well keep in mind this is non writeblr-specific and I’ve been on here for 7 years......2,960

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

Almost definitely. Would not have any way to find it again, and probably not on this blog anyway. I can guarantee no one saw it.

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

Wayyyy too much. Tumblr is my default.

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

Oh absolutely. Let me tell about one of them though:

This was through the dateasapphicwho sideblog. There was this racist blog that kept reblogging our posts, and because we were a sideblog it was really hard to block them. The blog wasn’t openly racist it was just like “white positivity” and that shit. So I tried to message the blog and be like “hey these posts aren’t for you, we don’t appreciate your message how about you take them down” and she replied that once we made the posts others were free to reblog and add their own commentary to them. So while I was waiting for a good chance to deal with her I went “okay fine then, let me use your claim against you” and reblogged a bunch of her “positivity” posts with pics of WOC -- ex. there was a post saying how cute girls with freckles are and I reblogged and went “hell yeah they are” with a bunch of pics of WOC with freckles. I did get to block her and but before that she did back off sooooo I think I won?

15. how do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

I don’t like them. It makes me about 20% less likely to reblog the post. With a few exceptions, and I still will, butttt I don’t like.

16. do you like tag games?

Yes!!!! Please tag me in things I love them

17. do you like ask games?

Yep! I’ve reblogged a few ask games but I don’t get as much out of them, I’d love if I got asks more. It’s okay though.

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

I have no idea how to answer this question. I’m of the opinion that tumblr is not a place to get famous and if you’re “tumblr-famous” I‘m suspicious.

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

Nope

20. tags?

Ummmmm I don’t really know who to tag here but if you’re up for it feel free to say I tagged you!

#20 questions #tag game #about me

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justinstolemybike · 5 years

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sigh. season 3. here we are.

i watched the first five episodes and... i felt so uncomfortable. it was bad. not all bad but... pretty bad. so bad, that it wasn’t enjoyable for me and i didn’t care to watch it all the way through, so i read other spoilers and i am not sure if i will watch the final season. but with it being said that i did not watch the whole thing, this can’t be a full review. so, here comes my first glance. spoilers obviously.

instead of weaknesses and highlights, lets just say likes and dislikes. likes first.

LIKES

- tyler’s storyline. last season, i was skeptical of how they would handle his rape and emotions about it, but i am relieved they gave his character proper care and devin druid did a magnificent job. my only gripe is that i wish they had him do something other than boxing to channel his anger. like, i understand why he would be learning self defense but i would like to see him do something less violent??

- jessica’s reclaiming of her body. at first the whole intro to the sex toys was weird but it actually was really touching (no pun intended) to see jessica begin to love her body and love sex again after what she’s been through. also, female masturbation is so underrated. nice to see it encouraged. know your bodies, ladies.

- the classic jensen tour. i’m surprised they still allow him to do the tours. like, none of the exchange students from the last time reported him? oh.

- chloe and the abortion. as a character, i don’t care for chloe, i’m sorry. she’s not a character to me, just a plot device. also, she gets no cookies for lying for bryce in the trials (i know abusers and victims have a twisted dynamic and that’s why that happened but nah chief) but i do like how they showed that some pro-life clinics will mask as abortion clinics and manipulate women into coming and trying to get them to keep their babies. totally real and fucked up.

- bryce was held socially accountable (kind of) and i think that makes an interesting point about rape culture. in the real world, jail doesn’t scare men in power because they can buy their way out. they don’t care about women and what they feel, obviously. what’ll really fuck sexual assaulters up is when they have no friends and no one likes them. that’s what they (kind of) showed with bryce this season. and he died which, yes fucking rad awesome wow.

- i know that justin also had a kind of darker storyline (with seth, i think? you can tell me if i’m wrong but don’t be rude) but he was a lot of the comic relief it appears and brandon flynn was great at it.

- alex and jessica broke up. hallelujah.

- justin is a abuse survivor. makes sense with his background.

- monty died too AND went to jail. cool amazing beautiful.

- tony is still ferociously loyal and apparently there was a scene where clay and tony said they loved each other. rise clony. rise up from the ashes.

- “i write fanfiction” - clay jensen.

DISLIKES

-ani. ani, ani, ani. i can understand why people find her annoying and she was probably the biggest reason i was uncomfortable watching but i didn’t hate her. she just... didn’t make sense. the things she did,the things she said, how she was involved and everyone just takes to her and loves her immediately, no questions asked, no buildup necessary... none of it felt natural or believable. a new girl comes in and it’s just a coincidence that clay gives her a tour and she decides to go up to jessica and says shes amazing and lives in bryce’s house and connects herself to the house of horrors that is the tape club (which was so dumb on the tape club’s part by the way, as she could have snitched and destroyed them all) instead of just finishing out her high school career in peace considering she moves around a lot and she starts college in a year and half and probably won’t talk to any of them after that. no, she’d rather potentially go to jail for a bunch of fucking strangers and criminals and rapists. sure, okay.

and for someone who just fucking got there to basically insert themselves in the traumas of these kids and make things worse in some respects and do some fucking shitty things (not listening or caring when she heard about bryce being a GODDAMN RAPIST, accusing jessica of SLEEPING WITH HER RAPIST, accusing clay of being the killer, yelling about chloe’s pregnancy in the street, the list probably gets longer) and think they’re allowed to pass judgment when THEY JUST FUCKING GOT THERE. LIKE, WHY IS SHE SO INVESTED? WHAT DOG DOES SHE HAVE IN THIS FIGHT? DOESN’T SHE NEED TO STUDY OR SOMETHING? WHY IS THIS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING ELSE SHE HAS GOING ON IN HER LIFE?

now, i get what the show was trying to do here. they wanted another, fresh perspective/narrator and i guess a love interest for clay (a wayyyy too convenient love interest, ‘she loves robots and drawing and not minding her business too! swoon!). but they could’ve had both of those things without adding someone to the payroll. honestly, i don’t think they needed a narrator at all but if they really wanted one, they could’ve added an ACTUAL ADULT detective, with no biases so they can be completely reliable to the audience and their investment would be justified. for love interest, yall already know how much i love and miss sheri. she could check clay without sounding patronizing and had chemistry with him and actual nice, romantic history. she could have been his second cop and they could have reconnected and become a couple and... we could’ve had it all, rolling in the deeeppp.

it’s like with ani, the show wanted to kill two birds with one stone but they missed them both and i think the backlash on her character says it all. i’d just like to remind everyone to give the actress who plays ani respect and courtesy because it’s not her fault.

- was it just me, or does it seem like the tape club has learned nothing from what they went through? they’re still keeping secrets and trying to hide shit and keep it all inside and i’m like..... but.... this behavior is what got ya’ll fucked up in the first place? and i totally understand it’s about protection and whatever but.... it also feels like an excuse to not be held accountable for wrong doing. like, alex killed bryce. although he had all the reasons to do it and i’m glad he’s dead, he killed someone fam. that’s not okay. and his dad is wrapped up and it’s just... i just... i dont know. then, there was the whole “let’s not tell on tyler so he doesn’t go to jail” thing and i have mixed feelings about that. i think they should’ve turned him in and got clay’s mom to rep him for rehabilitation and therapy instead of a jail sentence. they’re hiding the guns and trying to trust tyler and luckily that worked, but how long? what if someone fucks with him again and it’s too much for them to help him with?

- speaking of help, clay needs it. oh my god, does that boy need it. they were so focused on getting tyler professional help but, clay’s out here putting guns to his head and having night terrors. he needs therapy more than anyone. honestly, what i would have liked to see, wayyy back in s2, is as soon as justin saw that, he wouldve went to clay’s parents and got him back on his meds and seeing a counselor. he’s been through so much trauma and guilt and he’s tired of his own fucking hero complex. it’s enough man.

- they tried to have their cake and eat it too when it came to clay stopping tyler from shooting up the school. they tried to be like, clay shouldn’t have done that but oh, he was so brave and what a great guy he is for doing that. no, that doesn’t work. clay should not have confronted tyler in that situation. period.

- zach was disappointing because i agreed wholeheartedly when he said that they should have called the cops but... he didn’t. he was blaming them for letting tyler go free but he was too. damn, zach.

- it’s like they give clay a new lackey every season and.... ok, i guess.

- i also thought it was kind of weird that after everything they’ve been through, they still walk on eggshells with each other? like i guess because now we’re dealing with murder but... i would think they would trust and care for each other a lot more than to accuse each other and spy and interrogate and not just simply ask... like... this season made me not understand the tape club’s relationship. like are they friends? allies? allies trying to be friends? friends out of necessity? do they know?

- bryce does not deserve to be humanized. that’s all.

- monty does not deserve to be humanized. that’s all. also, it’s so disappointingly predictable that he’s closeted.

- the new characters (ani, caleb, chloe, winston, cyrus ) i still don’t care about. plot devices, all.

i may edit and retract some things, should i decide to watch all the way but i’m tired.

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alwaysupatnight · 4 years

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Okay, doing @yossariandawn‘s questions because they were so good I didn’t wanna miss out. :P

1. Set two fictional couples you love on a double date, and tell me how would that play out? One word answers are acceptable if you prefer. Hmm... Well, I always wanted to do a crossover fic of fdtd and twd because I shipped both sethkate and bethyl. I could totally see Kate and Beth being best buds right away because they’re so similar and are pretty close in age. I wasn’t ever sure Seth and Daryl would get along too well because Daryl is a little standoffish with people he doesn’t know. :P Seth would not be having any fun and would probably make an idiot of himself, but what else is new. The double date might devolve into a fistfight between the two lbr. XD

2. Do you like candles? If so, what’s your favorite candle scent? I had this mocha coffee scented candle with coffee beans glued to the bottom half that I LOVE. I don’t remember where I bought it but I’ve been wanting to get more like it for almost 2 decades. lol I’ve never burned it. I also had this mango pineapple scented candle I got from bath and body works that I LOVED. It smelled so good!! But I don’t typically burn my candles. If I buy any, they pretty much just decorate my bookshelves. :P

3. What’s the perfect fic you’ve been craving that wish someone else would write already? I wish someone could see inside my brain and write the Fireman Seth au of my dreams. lol I just don’t know what to do with it myself tbh. Alternatively, my culebra seth fic. XD I’m just terrified I’m gonna screw it up by trying to give it a plot and it’s already getting out of hand as it is. lmfao but I promise I am trying!!

4. If you could have an 15 minute conversation with any fictional character, who would you choose? I would pick Beth Greene.

5. Above question continued, what would you talk about? I would demand to know WHERE HER BODY IS. And then I would discuss with her why she’s not actually dead.

6. What’s one weird thing you loved as a child? I was OBSESSED with the movie Con Air (starring Nicolas Cage). XD idk why?? I think it was because I really loved that final scene where he reunites with his wife and gets to meet his kid for the first time while Trisha Yearwood’s version of “How Do I Live” plays in the background. lol

7. Any songs that make you always think of a character? I honestly have wayyyy too many!! :P

Cinnamon Girl & Get Free // Lana Del Rey makes me think of Kate Fuller... those are just her songs okay!?!

Hey Brother // Avicii always makes me think of the Greene sisters from twd because of this gifset [here]

Echo // Jason Walker never fails to make me think of Bethyl because of this fan vid [here]

Never Give Up // Sia & All My Tears // Emmylou Harris always remind me of Beth Greene because of these gifsets *I* made lol [here] & [here]

And of course Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby // Cigarettes After Sex always makes me think of Seth Gecko/sethkate!! My fave gifset of mine y’all!! [here]

8. How well can you swim, and do you enjoy swimming? I was never gonna make the swim team but I wasn’t too terrible at it. lol Now I just float mostly. :P

9. Recommend me a new show, movie, or song! Narcos!! I’m definitely dragging you into the Pedro fan club!! :P Come fangirl over Javi with me!! lol Alternatively Cobra Kai (now on Netflix)!! It’s so good!! idk if you’ve seen it?? I can’t wait for s3!! Unfortunately it won’t be coming out until NEXT YEAR. dying about it. Or if you’ve seen that or are uninterested, I definitely recommend Upload on Amazon Prime!! Such an amazing show!!

10. What’s your favorite food that you make? I’ve been making a lot of chili and cornbread this year lol It’s pretty much the only thing I can cook decently but it’s pretty amazing ngl. I’m a better baker tbh and I loooove chocolate chip banana bread with walnuts!! I’ve perfected my recipe and it’s one of my fave things to make now!!

11. Draft the perfect Zombie Apocalypse Survival Team, 5 characters from any show or movie. I can only pick FIVE?! Ugh okay. lol

Leon Kennedy: Are video game characters acceptable?? lol Well, he’s in a few movies too. :P Leon is my zombie apocalypse bf okay. Plus he’s an agent and has experienced this shit multiple times lol

Beth Greene: HAVE YOU SEEN HOW THIS GIRL MAKES HEADSHOTS?! ACTUAL ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE PRINCESS!!

Daryl Dixon: Because he is the ultimate zombie fighter

Kate Fuller: the girl is FEARLESS. I mean, she wields crossbows and chainsaws against Mexican Dracula. Get her some body armor and she’d be unstoppable.

Karen Page: I read a zombie au Kastle fanfic a while back where she became the leader of a community. Every army needs a leader, right? Plus, she’s pretty badass with a gun!!

Not adding questions or tagging anyone cause this was just for fun. :P

#tagged

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vickyhugo · 4 years

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okay so i thought long and hard about this and discussed it with multiple people in length and came to the conclusion, that there is one valid answer.

first of all, ask yourself what you want out of your quarantine house. do you want to have a good time? do you want to have good conversations? do you want to fuck? how much annoyance can you take?

my answer is this: i want to fuck as much as possible while also having a good fight. i can busy myself for most of the time but i need some human contact and i’m also super horny atm because testo can be that bitch. i’m also an aries and i need a good fight every once in a while.

so. we can eliminate most houses as valid options pretty quickly. house 1 has a few iconic authors and i’m sure oscar wilde would be a good fuck, but brecht wrote die dreigroschenoper which i am still angry about as it sends me right back to school and weird adaptations of seeräuber jenny. is brecht an icon for letting jenny rejoice over watching men die? yes, but he is also annoying and probably super full of himself and that’s just too much for me to take.

house 3 has arguably amazing authors, would ayn rand not be there. as much as i’d like to see maya angelou take ayn rand out, the combination of plath’s and kafka’s depressed energy and shirley jackson’s mystery shit would be too exhausting. i want to have a good time not bummed out by the three of them while also being intimidated by maya angelou. i’d probably turn out to be the ayn rand of the house and i really don’t want to live long enough to see myself become the villain.

house 4 offers some interesting interactions because hubbard and pym would totally clash while stein, mccullers and baldwin would probably get along great and offer amazing gay energy (don’t @ me, mcculler’s best friends were tennessee williams and truman capote and that’s....... gay). at the same time i feel like i would fade in comparison to the others tho and wouldn’t get to experience stein’s top notch strap game (also i’m pretty sure our top energies wouldn’t vibe).

house 5 is an interesting option. dickinson would probably never be seen so we can leave her out. audre lorde is a great argument to choose this house as she probably is the warmest person to be quarantined with. also it offers the opportunity to tell ts eliot about cats (2019). nevertheless, we have nabokov who i heard was pretty much an asshole, and garcía marquez, who arguably is a great author but has been ruined for me because i read all of john green’s books when i was a teenager and associate garcía marquez with my cringy teenage years now. would probably be irrationally pissed at garcía marquez and start a fight the first day which would leave me with too many enemies.

house 6. i would fight james joyce and ernest hemingway every day, and i’m sure zora neal hurston and dorothy parker would gladly help me. i’m also sure that although i’d fight hemingway he’d still find the jokes i’d make about finnegan’s wake hilarious. at the same time, i’d probably drink wayyyy too much because these dudes just can’t reel it in, and i’d end up fighting mailer because he killed his wife and i’m way too much of a gentleman to leave that unpunished. after a few days of intense fighting and alienating half of the people in the house, i’d probably end up in bed with definitely dorothy parker and probably zora neale hurston, but would be too exhausted to properly enjoy it.

so let’s return to house 2. we have two incredibly annoying (but easy to dominate) men, fitzgerald and carniege. and we have a trifecta of powerhouse women. this house has it all. someone to let out all your frustration on who is easily to offend when you remind him that zelda was never truly interested. someone who offers self-improvement advice and would probably give you free therapy in order to be liked, only to be shut down by woolf when he becomes too annoying. the ultimate fuck-for-clout, everyone’s favourite problematic fave, virginia woolf. jane austen who i could finally introduce to the pleasures of queer sex (it’s what she deserves and needs). we might even have a little hate-fuck after i tell her i love her stories but can’t stand her writing. susan sontag vibing in her analytic and pretentious way. theorizing about covid-19 and its metaphors. the thing is, both jane austen and virginia woolf talked about the importance of having your own space so you’d still have time for yourself (especially if you tell carniege you’re meditating or something idk). fitzgerald would just cry after like 1.5 days but might come out at night and crawl into your bed, craving some sort of intimacy and validation 20 years of marriage and even longer of a homoerotic friendship with hemingway couldn’t give him, being happy to get pegged by you. susan sontag knows how to party like fitzgerald and how to contemplate death like woolf. jane austen knows how to long and yearn for tenderness which is coincidentally one of woolf’s strengths, too. the erotic tension would be off the charts. the chemistry, once the hierarchies are established (w carniege and fitzgerald at the bottom), would be incredible. the house offers endless opportunities of deep talk, orgies and parties. it offers a space for you to take care of yourself in every sense of the way. it is clearly the only valid choice.

thank you and goodnight.

#i should be reading mbembe rn and my thesis isn't gonna write itself #literature #quarantine #thank u nele i'll credit u for saying u'd fuck virginia woolf for clout it's valid af

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frankensteindotpdf · 5 years

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TGWDLM and Love

Okayyyy so I was supposed to write an assignment on how a romantic movie expresses love and I asked my prof if I could write about tgwdlm instead and he said yes?? Bless him so anyway I made wayyyy too many notes for a 500-600 word assignment lmao so I felt like i might as well post em here… this is a compilation of every time Paul and Emma interact pretty much lol its hella long (im not kidding it’s like 7 pages rip) so under the cut :)

finally done, @isaidsinggoddammit!!

Sidenote: There’s very mixed capitalization as my brain flipped between tumblr mode and assignment mode so excuse that lmao)

Coffee Shop Part 1

Tips well to impress her

Listens to her vent-she already feels comfy enough to rant to him or, alternatively, she’s just a really open person (but shhh she has to trust him to some extent)

Insults others he doesnt know too well but he knows she doesnt like, again to impress

Tries to act indifferent towards everyone else (and tough)

Almost says smth romantic (“Some things are worth it”) but backtracks when she looks confused

In this scene, he tries to act cool but is clearly super nervous. One thing I really like is how he never acts too cool for her, like a lotta people do. He’s genuinely interested in what she has to say and never pretends otherwise, and also never pretends to be interested to get her to like him. I just really love how good he is at listening

Cup of Roasted Coffee/ Cup of Poisoned Coffee

When he panics he goes to Beanies to get a coffee and relax (wake up)

He turns to Emma (subconsciously?) for comfort

Freaks out when she sings (for good reason)

Emma remembers him (“Paul, right?... You’re the guy who doesn’t like musicals”)

Doesnt seem to notice how weird he’s acting

Continues to vent

He pulls her away from the counter to explain what’s going on

Paul finds it important to tell her-she’s the first person he admits it to

Him venting to her like she does to him? Trying to connect in a similar way? Im reading too much into that

He holds her there while explaining, she has to find an excuse to pull away

She thinks he’s crazy-keeps glancing at him during the song (he looks terrified)

Seems concerned for him

He switches between nervously staring at her and anxiously staring into the void (mood)

She turns to him at the “end” of the song and comes near him in the middle

She runs to paul when they start singing

They grab each other

He tells her to run, pushes her forward and shifts so he’s between her and the aliens

This scene is reeeally creepy from Emma’s perspective like oh my gosh can you imagine a man yelling at you (not at you but at your singing but still) and pulling you away from your work and then holding you still when you try to leave??? Anxiety to the max poor babe but also i get paul’s side can you imagine seeing the whole apocalypse beginning and it’s so weird no one would believe you if you tried to tell them? Poor bb. There’s also a lot of things that come up later: the ways he holds emma in this scene is the same way he holds her later one, later it’s to comfort her but this time it’s more to calm himself… he also pulls her to a better spot like he does later on

Trash Bin Scene

He leads her away-he knows the neighbourhood better

Tries learning about her (you like film?) (cmon paul bad timing)

(at trash) hold hands, she grabs his shirt while panicking

He holds her firmly by the shoulders to calm & comfort (parallels Cuppa)

Emma instinctively grabs Paul’s arm when Bill pops out

“Emma stays with us”-stands up to ted even though he looks pretty scared of him

(sidenote-what did ted do to Paul? The poor boy looks straight up terrified the first time he shows up)

Emma looks real confused about “latte hottay” but she never brings it up

“Paul!” when he runs to Charlotte-gestures at Paul near end of song

Paul tends to comfort people by grabbing their shoulders/putting a hand on their back (Emma of course but also Charlotte and Bill- has a looser hold on them than Emma)

Here they’re already starting to react to danger by reaching for each other and it’s v cute also bless paul i just really like how he calms people down he’s so good and pure

Hidgens’ Fortress Part 1

They trust Emma enough to go to Hidgens’ place (not like they had many other options)

Men™ typically trusted for “strong” stuff-Ted and Bill cuff Sam

Paul stands up for Bill-such a protective boy (could also be doing it to look cool for Emma but tbh it doesnt seem like it ill bring this up again later)

Paul listens intently to Emma’s venting

He smiles, nods, asks qs and repeats phrases she says

Its obvious he genuinely cares

Emma’s v comfy with him-they have an easy chem when Paul relaxes

Emma progressively shares deeper shit as she becomes more comfortable around paul

Paul makes jokes to lighten the mood, but not in a disrespectful way

Seems more nervous when bringing topics to himself

She listens just as politely as he does

“Whoa thats like your origin story...so I guess I’m the supervillain” “I dont think of you like that at all, Emma.” Cutest, Softest smiles on both of them my heART “Listen, Paul”-she was about to confess her love dammit charlotte

I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: Paul is such a good listener. I dont know why i find this so cute but their convos are so perfect like he asks qs so he knows exactly what she’s talking about (“what’s a coatimundi?” “Oh, did she smoke a lot of pot?”) and he repeats back phrases she says which shows that he’s genuinely listening like...so many characters (and people irl, lets be real) just pretend to listen to get what they want but he cares so much about what she has to say i just cant stop talking about it it’s so cute also how he seems so comfortable when she’s talking and then starts showing sign of nervousness again when the convo turns to him? Pure mood

Join Us And Die

Both jump behind chair when Charlotte and Sam show up

Emma clings to Paul’s arm + hides behind him

She steps out “charlotte?”

Paul pulls her back when sam approaches

Paul puts himself between Emma and Sam

Emma puts her back to Paul and grabs his arm

Paul pulls Emma away by her arm (“What’s wrong with her shirt?”)

Emma’s caught up in the gore, Paul is relatively level-headed

He keeps an arm around her

Emma steps away from paul to yell at Sam +Char (“He has a daughter!!”)

Instinctively reaches for Paul when Char gets shot (and later looks back at paul a couple of times when shook at prof hidgens)

Alright they do this whenever aliens show up so imma just talk about it here: this part was in my assignment so 1 lets hope it doesnt get flagged as plagiarism and 2 i could rant about this all day.

Basically Paul fulfills the traditional masculine role as protector and leader. Whenever smth dangerous shows up, he has one hand on her (on her shoulder, arm or the small of her back)-both reassuring them that someone else is there and making it easier for him to move her-which he does lots. He pulls her behind him or pushes her forward (away from the infected), leading her to where he thinks is safest. He always puts himself between her and the aliens, leading her to a safer spot. Emma tends to get distracted (emotional female stereotype) and paul is the one to move them both to safety (strong stoic man stereotype). To be fair, he is a lot bigger than emma and would probs have an easier time in a fight (tho i dont doubt that emma would be v i c i o u s) Emma tend to cling to Paul’s arm when she gets scared (which is really cute)

Hidgens’ Fortress Part 2

Emma adds to Paul’s plan- taps on his arm to move him

Paul steps back in front of her- i always found this weird, he totally blocks her from the conversation like why

She steps back out to roast ted

Paul looks at Emma when Ted @s him-now here’s where I could see him standing up for Bill to impress emma again. It’s not the only reason, but i do think it’s a contributing factor (and probably was before too cuz lets be real, when your crush is around you gotta act tough) of course he wants to protect his bff but he’s super anxious around ted so wanting to look brave for emma gives him that extra push he needs. Alternatively, he looks at Emma as a way to calm himself down before saying smth scary (which is adorable)

Emma wants to help but is called back to help with the lab

This is another thing i find super interesting-wouldnt more people around make it more likely he gets stopped? Did he want an audience (more than just ted) cuz i guess that’s understandable but in that case why didnt he wait a little longer to see if they came back? Idk it just seemed weird to me (also the whole “nooo female cant go out where it’s dangerous” even though it’s more like “oh emma’s the only one i know here can she not leave” wait actually that’s probably it lmao he just didnt wanna be alone with ted ok relatable nvm )

“Hey, Paul?” grabs arms (paul reciprocates) she’s real nervous for him leaving-relates to how much he hates musicals

I find that really cute cuz it’s showing once again how much they listen to each other and idk i just really like that about them

Grabs his face and pulls him close-he pulls her hands down to look her in the eyes to tell her he’ll stay safe

He doesn’t kiss her-super interesting! She pulled him close like that (which coulda been a sign to kiss her) and this was a pretty emotionally charged moment which a kiss would have fit - Paul hates kisses hc?

Not Your Seed + General (technically, just a little note)

Paul holds Emma tight with 2 hands, but keeps 1 hand free when holding others (ie bill and charlotte)

Only tells General about Emma, not Ted or the Prof (tho to be fair, he hates ted and barely knows the prof but it’s interesting how he doesnt even say he has “friends”, just Emma)

America Is Great Again

Paul saves emma and Ted

“Should I take this chair?” asks paul to lead

Emma holds Paul’s arm when they run

She tries to pry “Greg”’s arm off Paul + tries to get Ted to help-not strong enough

“Thank you Emma”-she freed him/killed Greg? I wanna know what happened (i tweeted @ jon, lauren and nick asking, so far jon just liked it we’ll see if anyone answers)

Runs behind Emma + pushes her forward “run, emma, run!”-Emma grabs for Paul, he steps in front

He pulls her through Robert+Corey and turns her around

She pulls him away from the General-paul usually does the pulling to safety

Paul doesnt notice when Emma is grabbed by Ted (lmao i get that he’s a little busy but it still seems odd)

She struggles with 1, 3 are on Paul (not a sexist thing, she’s tiny and also Paul is the main character and the aliens know it plus they gotta do that cool lift thing)

Emma grabs gun + shoots the General, grabbing Paul-”Paul! The helicopter! Cmon!”

Usually Paul does that stuff, but emma takes the protective role more in the 2nd half of this song

Basically we have the classic paul protecting emma stuff but now also the emma protecting paul which is good and fresh and i love...the way she tries to protect paul is different than how he protects her. She yells more frantically, and also is more of trying to lead him whereas paul yells to get her attention and physically moves her himself

Helicopter Scene

He helps her onto the heli, back to his usual protective self

Keeps one hand on the back of her seat the whole time (aww he’s stabilizing himself physically cuz the copter’s shaky and emotionally cuz he’s closer to Emma)

“Emma, seatbelts” he reaches up to help her into her seat-he kicks the gun to save them

“Emma? Emma?” immediate response is to call out to her-that boy was literally awake less than a second before worrying about her i love him

Runs to her when he sees her

“”This is what seatbelts are for” in this scene he seems really like...over it? Idk if anyone else got that he just seemed really intent on destroying the meteor instead of anything to do with Emma… before saving their lives was priority but also spending time with her, here he nods like he’s trying to rush her and does not seem excited to kiss her (again, Paul hates kisses? ok that was a rant that got ahead of my notes but just-) this scene is weird to me like maybe he’s trying to rush to stop the meteor so they can be together after and like not die idk anymore

He reaches out for her, jumping away when she cries out in pain

The rest of the scene he has his hands hovering a few inches away from her, very protective but also very scared of hurting her

Emma comes up with the solution, Paul has to do it cuz she’s hurt (weak gal, strong man, injured person knows secret to survival and tells strong boi how to do it tropes)

“Hey, Paul?” slides over to him-he gingerly supports her back (scared to hurt her)

He shushes her to calm her while talking cuz she’s in pain- ok, maybe its less about “gotta get out of here” and more about “she’s hurt really badly and needs help asap, i gotta destroy that meteor so i can get help” ok that makes sense im dumb lmao

Emma is first to ask out + kiss me? + pulling him in by his tie- breakin stereotype of man making first move

Then the little “..okay..” after she asks him to kiss her...maybe he wanted it to be romantic aww he wanted them to have a real cute first kiss and this wasnt what he had planned (or he just doesn’t like kisses cuz like he looks so uncomfortable there’s gotta be a reason”

He doesnt wanna kiss her cuz of the blood (weak) and is happy to leave-this part is what throws me off most he just like runs on outta there with no hesitation but he loves her?? I dont get it

Dont really need a rant here cuz i did a lotta ranting in the points… excuse my little journey of discovery there lmao I was just confused at first cuz at face value he seems really different, super hell bent on getting out of there whereas in every other scene he pays way more attention to Emma. I suppose it’s because he knows he has to destroy the meteor asap so he can get her help, i just didnt catch that. His motivations seemed very different in this scene to me and i couldnt figure out why

Theory time

Now here’s the fun part-i saw a theory somewhere that Paul can only get infected because he has a true goal now, he really wants to end up with Emma. In What Do You Want, Paul? Mr. Davidson is trying to find out what he wants to use it as motivation to make him more susceptible to the virus/make him sing a song, but since Paul doesn’t want anything clearcut he cant be infected. Now, since Paul wants Emma, he has a goal and smth to fight for but also smth to sing about. The very reason he’ trying to save the world becomes the reason he fails.

HOWEVER. His goal could just as easily be saving the world cuz he literally doesnt bring emma up once? Like i get he’s preoccupied but idk if he’s about to die i feel like he’d at least mention her (unless he’s hoping they think she died and wont go looking for her if he fails) idk their romance is adorable until the scene before this and then these 2 scenes make it feel really off for me

Okay now onto the most fun scene >:) -since there’s so many details i separated them into actions and lyrics

Inevitable (Actions)

“Are you sure there weren’t any other survivors?” :(

“PEIP would like to see it become smth more” because she’s the love interest and they’re supposed to end up together ahhh it’s the alien talking

She grabs his arms to look him in the eyes then pulls him in for a hug (the cutest)

She’s v reluctant to believe it at first “Paul?” She’s still smiling for the first line

Slowly she starts to let herself see what’s happening “Paul, you’re scaring me”

She knows he’s infected but she’s trying her hardest to believe he could be playing a cruel joke

He has power over her physically- holds her where he wants her while they’re dancing

He dances with her at first, gestures to her to move closer, talks to her, moves towards dancing at her instead of with

He blocks her exit, pulls her to where he wants her and ignores her for part

This is where you can really tell he’s different. Paul would never ignore Emma, and he straight up ignores her to sing and dance

He points at her and then goes back to ignoring her

Emma starts sobbing and really trying to run

Emma is dragged to the center of the stage sobbing because she cant do anything

He drops character in credits, waving and smiling to the audience; she doesnt

He’s got physical power over her (strength) but also cuz he’s backed by all the aliens who can move her where she’s supposed to go

Inevitable (lyrics)

“Emma, I’m sorry, you lost.” couldnt kill aliens

“Lost your way” didnt want to join them

“I made it” ‘This is the life that I chose” “I’m still the man you trust” “what if the only choice is you had to sing to survive” “Put words to the lyrics and you’re playing the game now” -maybe he’s faking it (i also heard someone mention the fact that he sings in his natural voice and not the higher one he used for the Alien Brain in Let It Out which is a good catch) (also someone else brought up the fact that he was mostly singing reprises, maybe because he couldnt think up his own tune/entirely original lyrics?)

“It’s inevitable for us”-because she’s the love interest, it’s was inevitable that they’d wind up together

“Show me those jazz hands” He’s trying to convince her to join of her own free will

“or i might be inclined to plant my seed” but is willing to do it by force if she wont

This song is super interesting because of the parallels-he holds her the same way he did in previous songs, pulls and pushes her across the stage like before, but this time it’s turned against her. What was once meant as protection is now being used to force her to join the dance I talked more about this in my assignment but i dont wanna get too close to what i wrote before because it could get flagged for plagiarism and i do not want that so imma reblog this post alter and add my assignment for more info (if yall want anyway)

The lyrics could hint at Paul faking it, and it definitely appears that way (especially with the face he makes at “Im still the man you trust) but i think the part in the middle where he just kind of breaks off to dance really kills that idea for me. Even if he was trying to trick the aliens, he could have kept closer to Emma like he does every other time they’re in danger, and the fact that he straight up ignores her and lets the aliens move her around like that is just not in his character so apologies but i believe our man is gone

Also, regarding the theories that Emma is infected because of the beginning; I could see that happening, but in that case, why didnt she break character at the end? I have absolutely zero idea how/if the intro song fits into the story but idk i feel like she should’ve acted like the rest of them if she really was infected but on the other hand i really like the heartbreaking theory that they’re all infected and Paul just has to keep reliving the story of how he failed again and again for all eternity like ouch? But also? Its great in a painful way??

Um yeah so that’s that for my ranting (my 3 pages of notes became 7 pages with the rants included so sorry about that i just had so much to sayyyy

TLDR: paul and emma are cute thanks for coming to my ted talk

#tgwdlm #the guy who didn't like musicals #starkid #team starkid #analysis #my poor friends have to deal with this 24/7 #i tried to channel it all into this lmao #um yeah i never analyze stuff so im sure smth is off #also im v v dumb so i probably missed obvious things #but yeah #its soooo long im so sorry #also spoilers....obviously??

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prettylilparker · 6 years

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Soph’s 200 Celebration

(ignore my sappiness if you want and skip down to the CELEBRATION)

you guys have no idea how utterly grateful i am for each and every single one of you like every single follower i have, i’ve looked at your blogs and smiled to myself at the idea of you (yeah u bitch) liking my posts and my writing?? like wow it’s insane to think that ppl actually like my shit.

i’ve only been here for a month and i’ve only gotten an overwhelming amount of love and support from this whole fandom and i’ve met some beautiful, sweet, caring people that i’m so glad i’ve been blessed enough to get to interact with them. i can’t believe i’d get this many followers (ik i’m still a small blog but it’s never been abt the numbers anyway) within only a damn month?!?! i’m speechless like who would wanna follow this annoying ass rat? but always let me get to the good stuff!!

SOPH’S 200 CELEBRATION (saturday, december 2nd @ 7pm est and sunday, december 3rd all day)

SEND ME ASKS LOVES (u can send them now!!!) about....

BLURBS OR HEADCANONS

send me an idea with someone from the sm:hoco characters (peter, mj, ned, flash, and liz r included!!), the sm:hoco cast (zendaya, jacob, laura, and tony), the holland bros and haz (tom, sam, harry, and haz), and even stranger things characters or cast!!

these can be platonic or romantic!! just specify if it’s platonic or else i’ll just assume it’s romantic

MOODBOARDS

send me a character!! and an idea for a moodboard and if u want it in a specific color ex. “peter parker study date, warm brown tones” (if colors get out of hand i’ll just choose black and white lmfao)

these can be personal or not!! (if personal, send me a pic of yourself in my messages or give me a brief description of your appearance so i can choose pics that kinda look like u or don’t and i’ll just make it basic ((((: )

SHIPS

i’ll give you a ship and a cute lil head canon of ur relationship/ a quick blurb of something between y’all! send a description of urself aka physical and some personal qualities/traits ex. “i’m straight, i have long brown hair and brown eyes and i’m 5′2″ tall, i love dogs and i’m the mom friend in my group bc i’m super caring”

specify whether it’s for the holland bros and haz, the sm:hoco cast, the sm:hoco characters, or even ur own people for me to decide btwn ex.”can i have a ship with either haz, jacob, or aunt may”

the more specific u r abt yourself the more i can write abt cute relationship stuff you guys do!! so say ur interests, ideal dates, etc!!

I’LL TALK ABT MY CRUSHES OR U CAN TALK ABT URS!!

self explanatory; send me an ask saying “talk abt ur crush(s)” “u have more than 1 crush? ur a hoe” (i have 3 atm cuz im indeed a hoe)

OR send me stuff abt urs and we’ll fawn over their cuteness or i can add on a story abt my own crush!!

RECOMMEND ME SONGS OR BOOKS OR MOVIES!!

all of u have amazing tastes so i’d really like some recommendations bc i love reading and watching and listening to stuff so yea boi just send me an ask

TALK ABT UR DAY!!

how was ur day love? i hope good, if not then rant to me!!

ASK ME RANDOM QUESTIONS

“what’s ur fav tea? what’s ur fav color? do u like gossip girl? what’s ur fav book? movie? what tv shows have you watched all the way through? which shows did u watch (but not all the seasons)?”

yes i will answer every single one i get!! i promise no matter how weird!!

DON’T LET THIS FLOP I’M SO EXCITED lmfao all my mutuals undercut that i love and hope can maybe join in my lil celebration and signal boost?? <3 (lol sorry if u don't wanna see this and i’m being hella annoying, just ignore bc ik a lot of u r wayyyy bigger blogs than me and i’m hella grateful u goddesses think i’m not complete trash)

@arachnid-kid @hufflepuffholland @tomsh0lland @ttholland @bittersweetholland @iamnesta @tbholland @petesparkes @stormyparker @heartbreakerholland @spee-iderman @cutehollands @tomsaloha @ohparkers @purelyparker @ur-not-tom-holland-tho @tom-holla @cuteparkers @nedslaptop @spideyparkerfilms @parkerbenpeter @httpsamholland @tohollandback @venusparker @heavenlytom @screamholland @five-foot-two-joanne @game-of-spidey-imagines @phobicpeter @snetersnarker @tomhollandxreader @buckylicious @parkersbabe @honeynutholland @dearcindymoon @zendmylife @hollandbaby @pillow223 (wow that’s longer than i thought it would be) once again, sorry if i’m being annoying by tagging u and completely feel free to ignore u goddesses

#soph's 200 celebration #blacklist that tag if u don't wanna see it on ur dash :)#sm:hc #sm:hoco #peter parker #tom holland #harrison osterfield #sam holland #harry holland #jacob batalon #ned leeds #laura harrier #liz allen #zendaya #mj #michelle jones #wow this took forever

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loveforamethyst · 7 years

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1, 8, 9 and 39 for the talk about thing :D

Yessss thank youuuu1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.I was really hoping someone would ask me about this!!!So lemme tell you bout 'Logan' (while doing my best not to spoil anything)JustWowI was completely enthralled, the tone resonated with a part of me that I didn't even knew I had. I'm such a kid for anything hero related, and this delivered with so so much more than I could ever expect. The Wolverine has always been a favourite of mine, I just think he's such an infinitely interesting character, and my expectations for Logan were blown out the water. The lines that were said, and those left unsaid (if that makes sense) had me in tears, either from laughing or crying. Like, there's that ONE SCENE, where Logan is speechless, like actually struggling to even form words and gives up and my heart fucking shattered into even tinier pieces (that movie breaks your heart, then continues to break it) Then there's that ONE line from Laura that's both sassy and brutal and like wow, a lot of stuff Xavier said too was super powerful. Just, there wasn't a wasted word in the movie.I have so much to say about Logan, it's a masterpiece and it was all I could think about for like two weeks, so I saw it a second time and I'm dam sure I'm gonna see it a third time at some point soon. It did something to my heart that I can't quite explain. There are no more guns in the valley :)8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.How sweeetttttMost of my proudest moments come from acting, like I can't really pinpoint any one experience. Just when people tell me that thy connected with something I said or did, it just makes me feel so accomplished because it means as an actor that I'm doing something right. Like I moved one of my drama teachers to tears this one time which was just so sweet! and another time I had performed in this competition, afterwards an audience member came up to me and said how they loved it because of how it reminded them of how their brother is, and like that means so much to me, how a character I created is able to connect with people in ways I can't ever imagine. It's what inspires me to keep actingggWHAT A LOVELY LIL TOPICCCC9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.I guess I've never put much thought into thisss, so super short answer but I guess I don't have any? Which isn't to say I don't like my body, I do quite like this mess I've mounded myself intoooo, I just kinda like the full package and haven't put much thought into individual featuresss :P39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.Gonna be somewhat creative with thisAhemDear younger meeeeHere some shit older you wants you to hear1. You like Pokemon, don't try and repress that silly. Just because it's targeted at children, who cares? it makes you so happy and trying to run away from that because you're supposed to be a 'grown up' now... ain't gonna work buddy. it makes you happy, that's important, being happy is all you can ever strive to be in life.2. People believe in you 3. Decorate your room! Colours are wonderful and that green wallpaper ain't doing you good buddy, hang up that (almost) full body poster of that wrestler, surprisingly your parents don't ever bring it up! Besides, by time you put that one up, you've already had like 50 others up they're used to it by then.4. I believe in you5. Write, write for the sake of writing, write the silly ideas and the way too complicated ones, just write because it's freeing, write because I like your writing, and so do others. 6. Everything you do impacts someone, and if you can't think of who it's impacting, then it's impacting you, be kind in any situation, to others and yourself. You don't ever regret being nice. 7. Thank you for believing in me8. I'm trying9. Hold on to your dreams kid, I can't be like the heroes you're watching on tv but that won't stop me from trying10. We're in this together, for the long haul, lets grow and make mistakes and go through heartbreaks. Let's meet amazing people (like @lostandfoundsouls ) and let's learn and help and let's live and let's dream, because we can.OKAYI THINK WE'RE DONE HERETHANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME TYPE WAYYYY TOO MUCH ABOUT THIS ALL 💜

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blaurascon-kzk · 5 years

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KZK Discord Digest 6 - Week of Jan 18 - Jan 24

BLAU NOTES:

We had a snafu with the second database earlier this week. Kat tried to manually alter an entry and it got submitted before he was done writing, thereby accidentally overwriting all purchase logs in that DB with garbage entries. IT IS NOW FIXED. We had a quick response from our host and they got it rolled back. Vendors were taken offline for a few hours while they worked. We had to manually re-enter some entries that got lost during the rollback, so if you get a redelivery from that timeframe that says ADMIN SEND, that’s probably why! If you made a purchase on that database (Stone Pillar / Direwolf) between Jan 17 and Jan 21 2019 and you can’t get a redelivery please contact Sylver Bu. This did not affect our primary database. I put up a crystal in the mainstore near the Direwolf vendors that gives info for how to get creator files for em. This does not directly sell you the devkit or anything like that, and is meant more for folks who do not use Discord or follow group notices. Got friends lookin for that stuff, point em to that.

The deadline for getting the Direwolf Devkit Preorder discount has ended. Also, neat news! If you made a Direwolf purchase before or on January 20th, you qualify for the preorder bonuses!

Our plans for the first half of 2019 or so (no dates set in stone unless mentioned): 1. Direwolf v1.01 update. The preorder bonuses (Direwolf plushy av & rezzable objects; two exclusive skins) will likely ship around the same time as the update rolls out. 2. Elemental Kirins Round 3: Ragnarok, Nova, Aeterna, Teknika (Destruction, Creation, Time, Technology respectively). 3. KAT - Con Crunch for TFF. Aiming for a spot in the Artist Alley. 4. KAT - Moving cross country. Will likely be limited availability for about a month. Likely happening in April. 5. New server & database setup. Aiming to launch late February / early March at the absolute earliest. This’ll allow us to combine our vendors & have a more robust back-end to prevent any more potential database weirdness. Bit more info below. (Kat already spoke to someone at Caspervend about their system. They don’t support the way our vendors are set up & the sheer number of items we sell.)

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Jan 18

Blau Last Friday at 7:50 AM @everyone forgot to mention here, but I put up a lil crystal in Okarthel by the Dire vendors that you can click and get links/info for the PSDs/Devkit stuff. I'll update it as links change / new stuff comes out. So if you have any friendos wondering where to get resources to make stuff, point em that way :smile:

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Jan 19

Blau Last Saturday at 8:39 AM @everyone Morning! Smol clarification, you don't buy the devkit from the crystal, you still have to contact Kat / Sylver Bu. The crystal just pops out that information. More for folks who don't pay attention to Discord or Group Notices. :3

Kat Last Saturday at 6:17 PM @everyone Attention artists, new and veteran. I know a great many of you preach by Gimp, or paint tool sai, or clip studio paint, which are all great programs, but, something I learned very recently is that you can get Adobe Photoshop CC for just 11$ USD a MONTH. No, this isn't an ad, but I know for many of you the cost of Adobe's subscriptions are often too much. Thanks to a helpful tipster on twitter, if you go into adobe's website and sign up for/switch your plan to the 'Creative Cloud Photography' plan, it includes Photoshop CC for only ~11$ a month. again, not telling people to ditch their free software, but this info is useful for those looking to get their hands on Photoshop. Please don't take it the wrong way.

KatLast Saturday at 6:32 PM @everyone To Clarify (as I have a bad habit of using the wrong words), I recommended PS strictly for 3D applications--If you're a budding 3D artist, or want to get into doing texturing for 3D models, most software is configured out the gate to work with PS, making for better streamlining. Not to mention native support for PSD and PSB(obviously) means you don't have to worry about files not opening in other software (as sometimes happens). PS is by no means a true 'art' program, in the vein of krita, sai or medibang, ect, so for art, stick with the freeware. but for 3D, i can't recommend PS enough. its 3D feature takes some getting used to, but can really help you quickly block out markings and ideas, all with the support of Photoshop's

@everyone Please stop advocating piracy. Seriously. its not funny. KZK is not the place to promote breaking the law. I don't know how many times I have to say this. Fun fact, kzk almost got shut down because I was a stupid fuck like 10 years ago and built everything using a cracked copy of zbrush. I got busted and their lawyers hit me with a nasty cease and desist. So I saved up, bought a legitimate key and play nice like a responsible business owner. Kat's lesson for the day, do with it what you will.

Blau Last Saturday at 6:43 PM @everyone Subject jump, but, tomorrow is the devkit/fatpack discount deadline. Can grab the Fatpack & Devkit combo for 9kL$, or if you already have a Fatpack, just get the Devkit by covering the difference for 3kL$. After tomorrow the offer expires! (Folks who have worked on contacting Kat prior to the deadline - sorry if we missed ya! As long as we hear from you before the deadline we'll honor the discount)

Kat Last Saturday at 10:57 PM @everyone So.. Some uh. bad news. We'll call it that, in favor of 'Oh shit I might've just fucked up real bad'. Novice mistake, but I basically nuked our second database. And the real kicker? Apparently when flame and I set up the second database back in 2015, something went sideways with the backup automation. We have no backups of either database at this point. As of right now, my only hope is that my host will see my support ticket ASAP, and rollback my server to the 18th, to before I fucked it all to hell. This means I will be losing ALL SALES DATA for the 19th, 20th, and 21st. But that's preferable to losing 3 and a half to four years of sales data. This is the BEST possible outcome, The worst being that its completely and totally gone. Please wish me luck. I'm trying not to freak out right now. I really am. and please, for all you code monkies out there, please keep any 'humorous' anecdotes to yourselves. I already feel like a piece of shit for literally putting the database down like Old Yeller. However if you have any ideas that might help us recover the lost data, I'm all ears. Thanks.

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Jan 20

Kat Last Sunday at 12:48 AM @everyone Got a quick response back from my host, and its looking like I'll only be losing purchase data for the 19th. I can manually restore that data once the database is restored (assuming they succeed.

Blau Last Sunday at 8:44 PM @everyone Heyo! Our host is working on getting things fixed. Until they give us the all clear we're pulling ALL kzk vendors down to prevent them from trying to update and breaking things over. We'll send notices/announce when it's all done! Thanks so much for your patience :heart:

Kat Last Sunday at 9:19 PM @everyone Good news everyone! Our host was able to successfully roll our second database back to an image of the 17th. So this means we're missing effectively 3 days of transactions, BUT between Second Life and the server's emailed receipts, I can manually rebuild those missing chunks. Now, that said, we're already hard at work backing up the system, and discussing plans to update the system to avoid this again. And for those of you suggesting caspervend--I already looked into them. The owner told me himself that his system can't do what I need it to. THank you for your patience. I'll bring the vendors back on in a few hours.

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Jan 21

Kat Last Monday at 3:40 PM @everyone So it'll take me a fair bit to finish combing through emails, local chat logs (as I get an inworld message from the server for each sale), and cross referencing them against offline emails received to avoid any duplicate purchases, but I should be able to manually restore most if not all missing purchases. I say most because there's at least a couple hundred entries effected by the data loss, so a couple are bound to slip through the cracks. Once the seas settle, i'm sure well come across the missing entries and restore those over time.

Now, on to the topic of avoiding this in the future: A brief overview of our systems: We have 2 vendors because we have 2 databases. Naverous 1, when flame wrote it wayyyy back in 2009 (in fact the system officially turns 10 years old in a day or two, I think.), it wasn't built to last as long as it has. We'd expected to be able to put together a worthwhile successor far sooner but life got in the way. This scare was the final nail in the coffin and we've already discussed internally plans to completely overhaul the system. All new vendors, new server, new database, the idea being that ALL avatars we sell will be in ONE vendor (With the exception of the one-off stuff like we've already got inworld). Once done, the old databases will be called 'Legacy'. The crystals for those will remain active, but all new purchases will be relegated to a new database with better redundancy to avoid data loss and better memory to handle the large quantity of items we sell. We'll keep you up to date on that, thank you.

Kat Last Monday at 3:48 PM @everyone Apologies for the notice spam lately, but lots to say: Current plans: First up, Direwolf 1.01 update. Fixes, improved resources for user customization, the 2 freeby skins, and the direwolf plush preorder bonus. once that's done, I'll get the last 4 Kirins done: Ragnarok, nova, Aeterna and Teknika. And then I go into con crunch for tff, prepping everything I'll be selling there, assuming we get lucky and get a table in the artist alley lottery. Then, i'll be moving cross country. that'll probably take up a month or so of my time, between packing, moving, and unpacking. after that, I can start talking new stuff, By then it'll be may, so I'm looking at what I want to do for the summer. I'm heavily leaning toward something awesome, but it depends on whether or not I can get it done in a timely fashion (Lesson learned from the direwolf). the new server won't be available til late feb, early march at the EARLIEST, but we're giving that plenty of time under the hood so eveyrthing works correctly. Thanks.

______

Jan 24

Kat Today at 1:34 PM @everyone So, in this, the year 2019, our lord and savior Tetsuya Nomura has finally blessed us with a new Kingdom Hearts game. It launches today in Japan, so we'll no doubt start to see more posts regarding plot and spoilers on the web. I've already had a huge issue with youtube putting leaked footage in my recommended videos. I shouldn't have to say this, and while it isn't KZK centric or even important to the operation of the business as a whole, its something I'm very passionate about--Whether its KH3 or any other game, movie, or title that people are VERY excited for, DO. NOT. POST. SPOILERS. I will personally hunt down anyone who posts even minor spoilers and introduce them to the ground, and in the words of Android 17, Your relationship will be intimate. I know myself and MANY people who grew up with KH are super super stoked about 3 and getting it spoiled would seriously ruin the day. :heart:

#kzk-dd #kzk

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pronetopronoia · 5 years

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OH MY FUCKING GOD IT’S BLACK FRIDAY!!!!

If you haven’t been at the mall all night giving people black eyes for standing between you and this season’s most killer deals YOU. AIN’T. SHIT!

No, but seriously, be safe today. No game bundle plus a FREE $40 gift card to Olive Garden is worth spilling a peppermint latte on your lap in the car because I am telling you people, traffic will be a nightmare today!

I’m writing this blog post from the safety of my apartment as I am in no way participating in Black Friday this year because:

1. I’m cold.

2. I’m tired.

3. I don’t have a pair of boxing gloves.

In all seriousness, here in the Midwest people are fairly polite. With the exception of WalMart there most likely won’t be any actual fights, and the weather hasn’t been too bad so the local emergency rooms shouldn’t be too overrun treating the people who camped out in front of Best Buy for 36 hours for frostbite.

I’m writing this for any of my gal pals who might be standing in a long line waiting to redeem coupons who are looking at their phones right now.

Specifically my single ladies.

Can I get a hello!?

Sisters, I feel you this time of year! I’ve actually only seen one engagement announcement and one ex welcoming their first child so my sobbing has been minimal. I mean I don’t even want kids but I’m still going to cry, it’s my god-given right as a single girl at Christmas to rapidly alternate between eating chocolate, looking at Instagram pictures of warm climates, and fucking sobbing for no reason, OK?!

Anyway, let’s talk about boys because I talked to a really funny young lady yesterday and got some tips that I’m not going to be able to actually implement into my own life but it was still really cool to hear.

We were talking about guys being assholes, which they have been known to be like. And she was telling me some of the ways in which she deals with that which are quite different than my methods.

She does not take shit from any of them and will not hesitate to fuck. a dude. up! Which, just being a fly on the wall for one of these encounters, would be amazing. She told me that if a guy won’t leave her alone at a bar she will publicly proclaim to everyone at the bar that someone’s drunk asshole has wandered and they need to come retrieve him. LOL! *embarassing!*

She told me she is not oppposed to basically murder when a guy does that thing when they come up to you and tell you to smile.

I mean that is pretty annoying.

I like to just smile and bat my eyes and politely ask that maybe they should give me a reason to smile and then as soon as they start talking just kind of wander off, lol. I mean unless he’s really hot or funny and then I guess I am just singlehandedly perpetuating the problem. Sorry!

I really love men though. I have definitely dealt with some not-so-nice ones, some situations WAYYYY not the best, but people’s true nature usually reveals itself depending on how they treat you or other people around them so I just kind of try to notice all that and then fucking repel and/or run if something seems too horrifying.

Running really is my favorite thing. Both for excercise and dealing with terrible people.

I understand people have emotions and it’s not possible for everyone to just be so zen and nice that heart rate becomes a question but I think that would be so cool. I need to really work on accepting that as not being reality though so I’m not this perpetual weird zombie just floating around from one social situation to the next simply vanishing into thin air whenever things get remotely uncomfortable.

Sometimes I need to definitely chill out more though. I’ve had some sexual harassment in the workplace occcurrances and terrifying roommate situations happen in the past which just has yet to be a positive experience, so some days I am way too hyper-sensitive.

The other night a friend of mine jokingly was saying something about grabbing my ass or something at the bar and I just straight up blacked out from terror and went home for the night.

Bitch you need to fucking get yourself in to see a therapist or something, ohhhh kayyyyy?

Although, someone else, this really cool guy actually, told me so nicely that my hair smelled good and I honestly don’t give a shit if they were making fun of me and my hair was like the worst to them, but I’m going to think positively and that single compliment alone will seriously carry me through the next six months from thinking I’m a worthless garbage person.

It’s the little things goddamnit!

“Excuse me but you’re in your late thirties and you just literally typed ‘let’s talk about boys’ and referred to someone as ‘this really cool guy’... are you being serious, orrrrrrrr????”

I am being, like, 73% serious.

Here’s the deal, we just had an election cycle and some very smart young woman were able to attain some leadership roles and the fucking garbage they have put up with so far, in seriously such a short amount of time, is unreal to me. Those bitches are handling things like champions too but it just seems so unnecessary.

Why does America need to be a country of stupid assholes? WHY???? And then when we make a little progress the new folks stepping the fuck up to try and change things get shit on????

I don’t even know what my point is at this point I guess.

Basically, this holiday season (and going into 2019), TRY to see things from others’ perspective. TRY to be just a little kinder to people. TRY not to take any shit from people, not necessarily by responding with violence, but definitely do not give any of your time to someone who isn’t respectful of your time or who you are as a person.

Have an amazing rest of the day! I hope there’s enough deals for everyone, and if there’s not, tomorrow is Small Business Saturday which is the day you should be spending the majority of your holiday shopping dollars anyway if you happen to care about your local economy and blah, blah, blah 😁. (Please check out Paradisiac Publishing on Facebook for a post on how to purchase titles tomorrow!) #shoplocal #butidefinitelylovethatblackfridaydrama

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nadiafayrosemelham-blog · 6 years

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I’d like to say I’m generally a lucky person. Nothing too misfortunate has ever happened during my 23 years of existence, I try to stay an honest and good human as much as possible, I don’t tempt the devil too often, and I’m a big believer in karma. What goes around comes around right? I’m basically a Buddhist.

Let me just go back to the first sentence of the last paragraph there, where I’ve written ‘I’m generally a lucky person’, and finish this sentence with, in Cambodia I was NOT a lucky person! My Buddhist belief is slightly wavering as I sit on my plane that can’t leave Cambodia quick enough, and think to myself… surely I’ve don’t nothing TOO dramatic to deserve THAT?

At the same time, I’ve recently adapted a new life motto thanks to one of my favourite people in life, the inspirational Lisa Wiltshire. It started out a few months back as ‘live a life worth writing a novel about’ and currently stands a little closer to ‘live a life worth writing a series about’. So on the other shoe (not currently wearing shoes because who keeps their shoes on during a flight), I also believe everything happens for a reason! Very firm firm believer in that one, not questioning this motto at all!

So let me tell you about my memorable trip to Cambodia. I’ll also point out that I’ve used the word memorable, because memorable is a word you use when it wasn’t great, and it wasn’t shit, but you just won’t ever forget it!

It started very innocently with my time in Siem Reap. I took a visit to the Angkor Wat Temples which are absolutely amazing, and wandered around the night market in the evenings. It was drama free and very chilled. I think the starting point in my series of unfortunate events begins with my night bus from Siem Reap to Sihanoukeville, where I was then due to board a ferry to the picturesque island of Koh Rong.

The night bus was a weird hotel bus where you literally share a single bed with a stranger (word of warning you could NEVER travel SEA if you are overweight.. sorry to crush any hopes and dreams but there are just too many tight spaces to deal with and it ain’t gonna happen). I was lucky enough to be put next to a nice young Canadian gal and we both pretty much slept the whole way. At one point I woke up to the bus driver changing the front tyre (NOTE: I think this could be where the series of unfortunate events begins). Not sure how long we were there for but obviously a while as the bus arrived late and I managed to miss my ferry to the island.

I headed to the Buva Sea Ferry office to get on board the next, and seeing as Asia is just organised chaos anyway, I chicken scratched the ferry time off my ticket so I didn’t have to pay more. I had already mentally blamed the receptionist from the hostel for this if anyone was to question my ticket. Soon enough I was on the list for the 11am ferry and was waiting eagerly by the pier. By 12.30 a substitute ferry finally rolled in to take us to the island, as apparently seas were too rough for our small speed ferry.

Sitting front and centre in the ferry, I was dreaming of the white sandy beaches I would soon be lounging upon. As I gazed ahead into the blue sea, I could see waves the size of Africa, which were soon met with the sound of the motor cutting. One giant wave came over the front of the boat and under the front doors into the cabin. Straight after the first wave, a second GIANT wave came rolling over the front of the boat, in through the windows, and absolutely SOAKED the front two rows including lil’ old me. Just to clarify I’m talking a tsunami style wave, and a whole ocean of water inside the boat.

Now has anyone ever told you to make sure you keep all your valuables close to you when travelling? Of course they have, it is absolutely drilled in to you by anyone who cares, and yes of course I had all of my valuables with me including my new MacBook Air and my IPhone 6. I quickly headed straight to the back of the boat where I pulled out my laptop and phone. Water pouring out of both, I wiped them down with a cloth of some sort but my hopes had pretty much been washed away with that wave.

After arriving to the island I managed to buy 2 kilos of rice off an elderly woman for $2, based on the promise that I would eventually return it to her to use for her cooking. Needless to say I was not eating at her restaurant during my stay in Koh Rong. I briefly attempted to save the electronics but the laptop was 100% fried, and the phone only half touch responsive. I held out hope that I could get the phone fixed when I eventually landed in Phnom Penh.

On the ferry, I met a few other girls who were also headed to a secluded hostel on the island called ‘Suns of Beaches’ which was apparently so super chill that you had to take a long tail boat to get there. After climbing off the ferry slightly defeated by the rough ride, we soon found out that there were no boats running to this part of the island due once again to the rough waters. So now I’ve got a fried laptop, a phone that barely works, I’m feeling like a broken woman from the rough ferry ride, AND I can’t get to my hostel (which I’m secretly happy about because I don’t want to look at another boat). I was the first to cut my losses, and soon enough we all decided to check into a hostel in the central area of the island.

We went out for a few drinks to soothe our souls, and eventually headed to bed in our dorm room. I buddied up with a lovely German girl, who I will here on refer to as Germany, not in a racist way, but just because I like that name (her real name was Mirjam). She would be my new partner in crime over the coming days. The first hour of attempted sleep in my dorm bed involved itching, rolling around, applying insect repellant, and giving up on the cause. The following hours of my night involved finding a late night restaurant to sit at and make use of their wifi (on Germany’s iPad that she had so kindly let me borrow because remember my electronics hate me). By the time morning came around I had lodged my travel insurance claim, googled fancy hotels to stay in, had finished my book, and managed to photograph the sunrise! Maybe things weren’t so bad after all!

That day Germany and I enjoyed the gorgeous beaches, and found a double room next door that was clean and perfect for $10 a night. On our 3rd day Miriam convinced me to hike to Suns of Beaches (the hostel we were meant to be staying at), which was about an hours walk from the main village. The first 45 minutes were so beautiful that I wouldn’t even call it a hike. We were just wandering along the beach bare feet with huge backpacks on our back.

In the last what should have been 15 minutes however, things took a turn for the worst. We came to the final section of the hike where you walk through a trail in the jungle. Part way in the trail split in two, and as we stood there wondering which way to go, Miriam said left and I said right. Left we went, as I’d decided I didn’t always need to be right (excuse the pun)! The path started to look super dodgy and I questioned the decision endlessly as we pressed forward under Germany’s lead. After climbing over fallen trees and manoeuvring over boulders we came to a second path, which also split both left and right. Once again Germany chose left, and I chose right. Germany pulled out her frozen map and convinced me once again that left was the way – don’t trust a German with a broken map.

As we wandered down the dry path, about half an hour later we sighted a wooden hut in the distance. That must be it we shouted for joy! But as we neared closer it was actually just a locals house surrounded by chickens, stray dogs, week old garbage and with an entire family perched up on the front verandah. We tried to ask for directions but needless to say, we were soo far out of the tourist zone that their English was definitely not permitting. We stood there for about 10 minutes while a pre-teen boy gave us false hope, staring into his phone in a manner that turned out to be aimless. ‘Maps’ I said pointing to his phone, hoping he would pull up a google map and show us where we were, but that would have been wayyyy too good to be true. He just shrugged his child sized shoulders and gazed up at us with lost eyes.

At this point I took charge as I looked around with no sign of anything marine. ‘We’re going back to the second fork in the path and headed right’. Miriam hesitantly followed me back along the long path we had wandered, and we continued to the right. Did I already point out that we’re in Cambodian heat carrying our entire life on our back? Well we were… but soon enough we came to the waters edge, and simultaneously to a sign that read ‘SUNS OF BEACHES’. Thank the bloody lord for that!

Stumbling up to the hostel check-in area, we told the young Scottish chap we were there to check in and stated our names. Miriam had been emailing them on our behalf during my unplanned technology cleanse, and she had informed them know we would be arriving. Good ole Scotland sat perched up behind the counter and exclaimed ‘I’ve got one bed for Miriam, and no beds for Nadia.’ Ohhh.. perfect! So you’ve got no beds then? ‘Nope, no beds tonight. But your welcome to sleep in a hammock for free. Or go head to toe with Miriam!’ Oh wonderful, the curse of Cambodia continues.

That night we went swimming with the bioluminescent plankton once the sun had set, and watched the water light up around us as we splashed about. What a gorgeous sight it was, and one of the reasons I was determined to go to the island. Once bed time arrived we ended up settling for the head to toe option, and arranged ourselves on the bottom bunk. At about 4am I awoke feeling pretty ‘shitty’ if ya know what I mean, and vomited my life away. Each hour I awoke to visit the bathroom, then resumed head to toe positioning. Of course I had managed to pick up a bug or gastro or whatever it wanted to call itself as it slowly consumed me from the inside.

When morning came I took the first long tail boat back to the main village area, where I would stay a final night back in the double room to sort myself out before the traumatic ferry ride back to the mainland. That morning I’d put on fresh clothes in an attempt to make myself feel wonderful, and tried to convince myself I would make it through the long tail trip without pooping my pants. After heading down to the boat, I soon discovered it was anchored 30m out to sea, and we had to wade over to it with our bags above our head. By this point I really would not have been phased if I dropped my entire bag in the ocean. In fact I probably would have just left it there if I had. But nevertheless I made it to the boat with my fresh clothes soaked and my belly hating life, and my bag made it too.

Soon the boat took off and I realised that once again, I was actually sitting at the front of the boat. Wonderful! I warned the lad next to me that sitting there was probably a terrible mistake as I was currently a series of unfortunate events, and he laughed it off with a slightly scared look left on his face once he realised how serious I was.

I made it back to the main village, and again waded through the breast deep water with my bags above my head. I checked back into the double room and came across the pals I’d made a few days ago, ready to entertain them with my stories. Andrew (aka. England) got a real kick out of my misfortune, and showed me a little sympathy by allowing me the share his laptop and indulge in a movie for some entertainment in my sick state. He fetched me water and noodles, and kept me entertained with his dodgy English humour. Did I mention that on this afternoon I also managed to disable my phone by tapping excessively at the screen to work and entering the pin incorrectly one too many times? So my phone now says ‘connect to iTunes’, but I can’t do that because my computer is fried isn’t it! So the comforting thought of still having the contents of my phone is now shattered as I realise I will have to factory reset the phone after fixing the screen. WHAT-IS-TECHNOLOGY?

The next day I sat at the dodgiest pier of the four on the island with my stomach feeling just as dodgy. England had come along to send me off, and we joked about how the tiny boat that looked like it held two people at the end of the pier would be my boat. Safe to say that god damn boat was indeed my Buva Sea Ferry. On board I climbed, or rather leaped as the boat bounced around everywhere, and stood there trying to calculate which seat would be best to sit in, in the case of another rogue wave.

The boat took off and I can 100% say it was the most outrageous experience yet. It would be no exaggeration to say that I would pay a lot of money at Sydney Harbour to experience that same boat ride. The only difference is that I would receive a life jacket and a seat belt, and the boat would be labelled ‘The JetSpinner’. I sat there gripping at the handles tighter then mum used to grip the car handles when I was a learner driver, and thinking to myself, it’s been a nice life! I think I made eye contact with every single person on that boat, just to check if they were filled with the same fears as I was. My previous dramatic ferry ride had taught me that when the motor cuts, it is NOT a good sign, and by the time I could sight land in the distance I think the motor had cut about 16 times and we had become proper airborne at least 5 of those times. There were 2 vomits, 12 shaken passengers, and 24 wobbly knees onboard.

I sat at the cafe I was due to be collected from, and recovered from the experience whilst mentally preparing for my bus ride ahead. As pickup time came close I confirmed with a few too many waitstaff that I would definitely be getting collected from that cafe. A feeling in my belly told me things were not improving, and I asked one final person about the pickup, who responded ‘Oh, the driver has already been and collected everyone!’ Of course he bloody has! With a few minutes to spare, I hopped on the back of a motorbike and headed for the bus departure point, where a phone call had been made to ask the driver to wait for me. Finally I was on the bus, and NOTHING ELSE COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG.

I made it to Phnom Penh, where I continued to suffer gastro from my Koh Rong visit. I took my phone to the night market where it was fixed within 15 minutes, and then managed to lock myself out of every bank account and email account I own by entering incorrect passwords. Touch recognition on iPhones is a blessing and a curse, as if I would remember the 9 million different passwords I’ve got for each account.

To be fair apart from the above, Phnom Penh was mostly drama free – and I was soon headed to the airport to take my flight to Indonesia and leave this cursed land of Cambodia! Very conscious of how my luck had been panning out, I decided to leave for the airport excessively early. I sat, waiting for the check in counter to open, and when it did, I jumped in the line. After about a 40 minute wait to the front (and after feeling very content in the line about my luck improving), I was faced by a Cambodian man. He asked for my departure flight details from Indonesia and I informed him I was yet to book a flight, but was only staying a week or so. The kind sir proceeded to tell me that he was unable to check me in for the flight until I had a departure flight FROM Indonesia. So let me just clarify this for you quickly… I’m due to fly Cambodia to Indonesia, with a layover in Malaysia, and this dude cares about my DEPARTURE flight from INDONESIA?…. Excuse me, but why on God’s earth do YOU Cambooodia, care when or as a matter of fact, IF I ever leave Indonesia?

I’ve learnt mostly by observation that you will get absolutely nowhere by arguing or back and forth-ing with anyone in Asia, so I accepted defeat and stepped to the side in order to book my flight leaving Indonesia. I had one hour to book the flight which seemed easy enough, but of course with Nadia’s lucky this wasn’t the case. I could feel myself floating further and further up shit creek with a dodgy airport wifi connection and a ticking clock staring me in the face. Time passed and the check-in line slowly disappeared. I literally had 4 minutes left to check in, and I looked at the Cambodian man with the saddest puppy dog eyes you’ve ever seen in your life, thinking to myself he is for sure a dad or an uncle or at least has a bloody soul! He took a look at my eyes slowly filling with tears from the past two weeks, and said ‘Well, you did TRY to book a flight so I’ll check you in. But just make sure you book a departure flight before you get to Indonesia or you might have trouble.’ I thanked him one too many times not really knowing what the hell for, and sprinted to my gate to get on that god damn plane.

I was pretty much the last person to board, and I could see my row up ahead with two people filling the seats next to mine. In front, row 25 sat entirely empty from A through C, and I said to myself “Fuck it!” I sat in that row all by myself and spread out across the three seats absolutely stoking the blazing fire that was my fate whilst the wheels smoothly lifted off the tarmac. I could practically feel the Cambodian curse being lifted as we ascended further into the air, and I could finally rest easy.

Summary of unfortunate events:

Bus arrived late to Sihanoukeville and missed my ferry

Managed to board a later ferry involving tsunami waves, wet bums, and fried electronics

Couldn’t get to secluded island hostel due to rough seas

Bed at substitute hostel filled with biting bugs = sleepless night

Got lost in the Cambodian jungle with no ocean in sight in attempt to find original hostel

Caught a gastro bug after swimming with the plankton in the lush Koh Rong water

Bounced around for an hour on return ferry ride to mainland as surrounding passengers chucked up and winced around me

Missed pick up to deliver me to my bus to Phnom Penh

Just about missed my flight out of Cambodia due to weird Cambodian airport regulations that I still don’t understand

(Hold tight for my next post, to see if the Cambodian curse really had been lifted, or if it was just the altitude playing havoc on my senses.)

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hellotherepaul · 7 years

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so im going to meet Nadya Okamoto tomorrow, the founder of Camions of Care, a major nonprofit that works on getting free pads and tampons to people and breaking the stigma over menstruation

I wish it was under better circumstances, it’s cause the PSU chapter of Camions of Care is like the best in the state but we’re leaving cause of all this corporate rebranding bullshit and stuff, as well as them struggling with gender inclusivity

It’s super cool though, like she’s made national headlines, and now she goes to Harvard and works like 6 jobs and runs a national nonprofit. (She’s like 8 months older than me too)

But like? I have such an issue with imposter syndrome and out of the board for our shootoff nonprofit, the Portland Menstrual Society, I definitely have the least amount of experience with nonprofits and community outreach and shit, and I’m also the youngest one on the board

I’m just like the autistic with bad social skills that tries to absorb as much information as possible and sound like they know what they’re talking about? I’m on the board as the “liaison to the Queer Resource Center” and like the unofficial artist cause like everyone is management and social work and gender studies majors but like, I’m only the liaison cause I spend a lot of time in the queer resource center? And I have a sneaking suspicion its also cause I’m a menstruator who uses they/them pronouns

And like it’s so cool that I get to be a part of this, but the only people close to my age on the board are like a dude that literally won a 6000 dollar scholarship for queer activism, a girl actively involved in Portland Resistance who’s majoring in social work, and a girl who has connections and can write grants

Other people at board meetings are like “oh yeah I know the leader of PDX pride, she’s amazing, you guys should talk” and “Ok so I’m going to go talk to these people about hosting a workshop” and “oh yeah so I was at this event this other group that I do the paperwork for ran and we did this stuff” and im like i cant even get my teacher to sign a paper so my transcript wont be super fucked up in the future but you’re writing grants and talking to important people, and being like real activists

I’m just like “i can do art” but now they want a logo and i can do art but my graphic design experience is limited but i dont know what else i can do like i cant do anything thats like lots of legality and paperwork and shit cause i literally cannot understand any of it, it goes over my head, and i cant do phone calls, and and

and i dont come up with amazing ideas or anything

im just there cause im friends with the person in charge, i spend wayyyy too much of my life in the queer resource center, and im not a cis girl.

ALSO my one peer? like person my age? Yeah he’s part of the group that left me last term and gave me a lot of extra trauma and made my trust issues worse

And he keeps talking about wanting to get his friends involved, like this one person especially who’s his best friend who REALLY FUCKED ME UP like just hearing the name is triggering to me

and then people turn to me and are like “Sage, you have friends who could help us too, right?” and im just like “i have a total of 6 friends in this entire state, and 2 live in the suburbs and one lives an hour drive from here cause this dude’s squad fucked me up real good and left me and now im alone and pathetic and my trust issues have gotten a lot worse”

And now I’m going to be meeting this girl who’s like my age but at Harvard, working 6 jobs, and running a nonprofit first off like hella intimidating I have a hard time flying home alone and not having a breakdown shes running a massive nonprofit group

and also I’m going to be talking to this like psuedo celebrity about inclusivity?? Like I feel like I need to pass pretty damn well tomorrow which is fucking stressful like “hi you are like this unattainable thing that i cant ever be cause executive dysfunction and depression and autism and shit but im trans and saying things like “girls who bleed together stay together” and shit its really harmful and shit and you’re way cooler than i could ever be and have been on bustle and shit but we’re leaving you cause of these things and hi im an 18 year old disabled trans kid that doesnt like your branding

#shit i didnt know i needed to vent until i started typing #so #cool stuff about shit i get to do on the top #under the cut its a shit ton of angst and insecurities and shit #youve been warned

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