Some old doodles I did of shance :))

Finding the Way (The Mandalorian)

(Cara Dune & Din Djarin.  After the events of The Rescue, Din Djarin could use a friend.  Cara Dune doesn’t know what it means to be a Mandalorian, but some things are universal.  Friendship, angst, alcohol, religious questioning.  ~2400 words.)

***

She found Din Djarin alone, after the Jedi left with the child.

Cara wasn’t sure exactly when he’d slipped away from the bridge; there’d been a lot happening.  Bo-Katan and Kosca had been deep in conversation about their next destination, Fennec was pinging Boba to set up a rendezvous, and she’d busied herself with gagging the unconscious Moff and stowing him away in a corner with extra restraints.  The bastard had a lot to answer for.

In all that, though, she hadn’t wanted to look at the Mandalorian without his helmet.  It had felt too private, too close, to watch his goodbye with the kid.  Once the Jedi left, it seemed he’d taken advantage of her inattention.  

Without a ship, though, he hadn’t gone far.  He’d only been missing for fifteen minutes or so when she realized and started searching for him on the security console.  She gave a hasty request for the others to watch the Moff -- not as if Bo-Katan would let him try anything else -- and took the lift downstairs.  

She found him the next floor down from the bridge, inside the officers’ mess.  The half-opened door was scored with blaster fire; likely Din’s work when the doors wouldn’t open for him.  She peered in through the half-opened door, glancing away when she saw his mussed brown hair, a glimpse of his face.  She still wasn’t used to it, and still wasn’t sure if it was okay for her to see him like this.

“It’s me,” she called, rapping on the door with her knuckles.  Surprising a Mandalorian was a surefire way to an early grave.  “Can I come in?”

His voice sounded strange without the mechanical filter.  Human.  Almost small.  “Do what you want.”

That was encouraging, at least.  He wasn’t kicking her out entirely.  

She entered the room, rolling her eyes at Imperial waste.  Real wood paneling lined the walls, and instead of the spartan standard issue bench tables in the rank-and-file’s mess, individual tables with sleek surfaces and cushioned chairs dotted the room.  Gideon himself must have taken meals here.  

Din sat at the bar at the back of the room.  There was a half-drunk cup of liquor beside him, his helmet resting next to it, its visor turned away from him. 

“So… you okay?” Cara hazarded, taking the seat beside him.  It looked like he’d made a decent dent in a slim bottle of aged Corellian whiskey. Only the best for the officers, of course.  This stuff went for big credits in the Core, enough so that she’d never tasted it herself.

“I’m fine.”  He didn’t look at her.  He just stared straight ahead at the wall, brown eyes fixed on nothing in particular.  From the corner of her eye she could see the color of his face seemed off, red and blotchy in places.  Hell.  He’d been crying.

Her stomach twisted.  “Look… I’m sorry about the kid.  I know that had to be hard.”

He was silent for a moment.  When he spoke again, his voice was strained.  “Grogu.”

“Sorry?”

“I found another Jedi a few weeks back.  She said she couldn’t train him, but she was able to talk to him, mind to mind.  He told her about his life before I found him.  His name is Grogu.”

“Huh.  Grogu.” She chuckled.  “It’s cute.  Suits him.”

A slight dip of his head, angled toward her.  He was very still.  She could see a muscle in his cheek twitching. 

Blast.  She was no good at this crap.  She fished around for something to say, something that could help.  Maybe she could get him to talk; listening might be easier.  “You’re sure you’re fine?  Because you don’t look fine.” 

“I needed to help him find a Jedi,” Din said hoarsely.  “I did what I was tasked to do.  This is the W—“

But he cut himself off, turning his face away from her. His whole head moved to the side to shift his gaze, remnants of long years wearing a helmet.  Every martial style had its tells, and she could see the differences between the ways Bo-Katan and Koska moved, and how the man beside her moved and battled.  He was different from them, in fundamental ways, but she wasn’t sure why they could remove their helmets and he couldn’t.  Until he did.

Cara shook her head.  Think of something helpful.  You can do this.  “He’s gonna be okay, you know,” she said suddenly.  “I know who that was.  We droppers heard rumors during the war that a powerful Jedi took out the Emperor on Endor.  It has to be him.  Skywalker.  What other Jedi would fly in here in an X-Wing?”

“Good,” said Din.  He still wouldn’t look at her.  “So the Imps will never take him again.”

“I’d like to see them try.  I never knew a Jedi could do that,” said Cara.  She’d heard stories, of course, but stories were one thing.  Proof was another.  “I’m just glad he was on our side.”

Din turned back to facing forward, jaw tensed.  He nodded, a tight gesture that somehow seemed too broad for him.  Without the helmet, it was disconcerting to see emotions popping up on his face, vanishing as quickly as they came -- sorrow, pain, shame.  It almost would have been funny if it wasn’t so hard to look at.  Live your life in a helmet, guess you never have to learn to control your face.

She took a guess at the emotion that flicked past, marked in the set of his eyes, the downturned lines at his mouth.  “I’m sure you’ll see him again.”

“Maybe,” he said, and his gloved hands clenched on the table surface.  He reached out and took a drink.

“I didn’t know you drank,” she said.

“I don’t.”  His throat worked as he swallowed and drained the glass.

Oh.  “Right.”  

She reached out and took the bottle from him, pulling back a long slug on it.  It burned, clean and fierce, but it was strong stuff.  No wonder it sold for the price it did; she was surprised he wasn’t slurring already.  “Be careful with this stuff, then.  It’s not for lightweights.”

“I’ll be fine,” he said, then lapsed again into quiet.

Like talking to a durasteel wall, she thought.  “Look, I wanted to make sure you were okay.  That was rough up there.  I just -- if you want to talk about it, or something, I can listen.”  She leaned back in her chair, taking another drink of whiskey.  It seared.  “That’s all I’m trying to say.”

He turned toward her, canting his whole head instead of just moving his eyes.  There it was again, the tell that he’d lived in his helmet for a long, long time.  He took a deep breath, but he still couldn’t make eye contact with her.

“I know he has to do this.  I can’t teach him, not the way he needs.  I have -- I had to let him go,” he said.  The words sounded well-practiced, like he’d said them many times before.  

“I know,” she said.  “I’m so sorry.”  She tried a small smile, though her eyes watered suddenly.  “He -- Grogu -- he was crazy about you, you know?”

A slight shrug, shoulders scarcely moving.

“Well, he was.  Looked up to you like anything.  You guys have a bond.” 

“I did what I could for him,” said Din, closing his eyes.  “I hope it’s enough.”

“It is,” said Cara fiercely.  “You loved him, man.  No kid could ask for more than that.”

He was silent, and when he opened his eyes again, she could see that they were damp.

She swallowed, took another drink, unsure of what to say.  The quiet filled the space around them, a weighty, crushing thing.

Eventually she forced herself to speak again, casting around for something to say.  “So….  They’re making arrangements upstairs.  We’ll be rendezvousing with Fett soon, but you’re always welcome on Nevarro, too. Greef was heartbroken when I told him the Imps had the kid again, so I know he’d want to help you now.  Have you thought about where you want to go?”

“I don’t know.”  He turned away again, shoulders squaring beneath his armor.

“Well, if you don’t want to stay planetside for a while, it sounds like those other Mandalorians want your help. Honestly, if anyone could take back Mandalore, I’d put even credits on them. And on you.  Dank farrik, you even have that sword now.”

“I don’t want it,” he bit out.

“Yeah, I heard.  But you have it.  May as well use it, right?  Why give up a tactical advantage?” asked Cara.   “Sounds like it belongs in the hands of a Mandalorian anyway.”

“All the more reason for me not to wield it,” said Din, and there was something sour, something wrong, in the way his face twisted.

She stared at him, raising her eyebrows.  “What?  Wait. Are you saying —“

“I broke the Creed.  I showed my face,” he said, his voice cracking.  “I had a choice, and this is what I chose.  I am no longer worthy of my beskar.”

Cara tried wrapping her mind around it, remembered dragging him in from the battlefield, his blood hot and slick on her hand, the panic in his voice when she tried to remove his helmet to save his life.  “You chose to show your face to your child who needed you.  You did the right thing for you both.”  It didn’t make sense to her.  “I thought your people wanted to help foundlings.  Well, you helped him!”

“It is forbidden,” he forced out.

“You’re still a Mandalorian—”

Anger, grief, pain, rapid-fire flashes in his eyes and face, every muscle tensing for battle.  “You have never sworn the Creed.  You know nothing about it!”  

She bristled, fighting the urge to say something harsh, or worse, throw a punch at him to knock the sense back into him.  Beside her he was breathing harder, chest visibly rising and falling rapidly.  She bit her lip.  

“Okay, okay, maybe I don’t know what it’s like to be a Mandalorian,” Cara admitted sharply, lifting her hands to calm him.  “But I do know what it’s like to turn away from something you spent your whole life believing.  Alderaan had no army, remember?”

He breathed a little slower.  The flush of red in his face receded.  “You never told me why you became a soldier.  I assumed, after what happened --”

Her mouth twisted.  “Close, but not exactly.  I started seeing what my people couldn’t, before it happened.  The Empire was rising and people were dying.  Diplomacy stopped working a long time ago.  When I told my family I had to fight, even if that meant killing, they turned their backs on me.”

“They were blind,” said Din.  “The Imps weren’t going to stop expanding with peaceful protest.”

“Maybe,” she said.  This was the hard part.  The part that had taken her years to understand, that she was still trying to figure out.  “I think now… we wanted the same thing.  We just saw different paths to peace.  They thought pacifism was the way.  I saw the Empire killing people, terrorizing them, and that wasn’t peace.  I had to fight for peace to even begin to exist.”  She wiped her cheek, fingertips brushing over the tattooed Tear.  “So I was offworld, trying to become a new recruit, when the Empire showed Alderaan what they thought about peaceful resistance.”

“I’m sorry.”

She gave him a tight, painful smile.  “But the thing is, Mando, I’m still Alderaanian.  No one can take that away from me but me.  Not the Empire, not my family, not the royal house of Alderaan.  Even if my family didn’t understand why I did what I did, I knew I was fighting to bring peace.  That’s what makes me Alderaanian.”  No matter what.

He gazed at the beskar helmet, shining beneath the overhead lights.  Its black visor was an empty void, disconnected from its bearer.

She let out a bark of a laugh, blinking away tears.  “I don’t know, man.  It’s your life.  Your Way.  But if your Way won’t let you show your face to your own kid when he needs you, maybe some of those rules should change.  If you still feel like a Mandalorian, I think that’s what makes you one, and not what anybody else says.”

He closed his eyes, hanging his head slightly.  He shifted in his seat with a small clink, one armored arm now resting against his helmet.  “I don’t know what I am now.”

Cara took another drink from the bottle, finishing the last of the whiskey.  “We’ve got two women up there who’d kill you in a heartbeat if you said they weren’t Mandalorian, and they show their faces clear as day.”  She shrugged.  “Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to talk to them about some of this stuff.  You could put it together with the old Way and make something new, something that feels right.  But for what it’s worth, Mando… you’ll always be a Mandalorian in my eyes.”  She clapped a hand over his shoulder, the beskar cool beneath her palm.

“It’s not --”  He struggled, mouth thinning, before he let out a long breath.  “That’s very kind,” he said slowly. He turned his head to look at her at last, searching her face.  He looked strangely vulnerable like this, far more so than he had dying in the dust of Nevarro. 

She nodded, attempting to smile, her mouth not quite getting there.  “Well, it’s true.”  

His face shifted into uncertainty.  “Perhaps the Way of the Mandalore is not… the only way to be a Mandalorian.”  He looked down at his helmet and swallowed.  “I’ll speak with the others, at least.”

“It’ll take time,” Cara said softly.  “You don’t have to figure it out right away.  Just… maybe hang on to your armor for a while, that’s all.”

He was quiet.  “Thank you.  Truly.”

“Sure,” Cara said, nudging him with her shoulder and giving him a quick smile.  “Any time.  After all, what are friends for?”    She leaned over the counter, pulling down another bottle of Corellian whiskey and grabbing an empty glass.  “What do you say to a toast?”

A dry chuckle.  “Sure.  You’ll have to tell me if I’m doing it right.  I’ve never done this before.”

“I think you’ll get the idea.”  She poured them each a glass, and raised hers high until it caught the light.  “To Grogu.”

The edges of his mouth turned up, just slightly.  Just enough.  He raised his glass to clink to hers, his brown eyes bright, his voice warm.  “To Grogu.”  

The whiskey burned in her throat, clean and pure.  To finding the Way.

If you liked Dragon Age Masterlist

If you’re anything like me, you’re into niche market, high fantasy, single player RPGs, preferably with a historical setting and romance options. So if you’re looking for a new game, here I am with some suggestions!

Sorted by studio:

Bethesda:

Oblivion (2006)

“In the shadow of evil, a hero will rise from the ashes of a fallen empire. The gates have been opened, and the battle has begun. Only one thing can save the world from Mehrunes Dagon and the demonic hordes of Oblivion. The true heir of the Septim line must be found and restored to the Imperial throne. The fate of the world rests in the hands of one. Find him, and shut the jaws of Oblivion.”

The Elder Scrolls series were my gateway into RPGs and hold a special place in my heart. Oblivion features a wide open world, immersive combat, and the ability to customize race, class, and gender.

Skyrim (2011)

“The Empire of Tamriel is on the edge. The High King of Skyrim has been murdered. Alliances form as claims to the throne are made. In the midst of this conflict, a far more dangerous, ancient evil is awakened. Dragons, long lost to the passages of the Elder Scrolls, have returned to Tamriel. The future of Skyrim, even the Empire itself, hangs in the balance as they wait for the prophesized Dragonborn to come; a hero born with the power of The Voice, and the only one who can stand amongst the dragons.”

I have sunk so many hours into this game and still have not experienced all there is to experience. Just like Oblivion, Skyrim offers the ability to customize your character and find a play style that suits you. A huge open world offers tons of opportunity for exploration and questing. You could play this game many, many hours and not even touch the main quest if you wanted to.

BioWare:

Mass Effect Legendary Edition (2021)

Just do it. Just fucking do it I’m still sobbing I’ve never had a game wreck me in this way. I might possibly like it more than Dragon Age which feels sacrilegious to say but it was so good. You follow Commander Shepard (customizable) for three whole games and the choices have serious consequences. Also, romance. Truthfully this might be the most well written storyline I’ve ever seen in a video game. Also, same studio as Dragon Age.

CD Projekt:

The Witcher III: Wild Hunt (2015)

I’ll let the website description speak for itself, but Witcher III was good enough that I didn’t mind being forced to play as a man (those who know me know that I exclusively prefer to play women and often dislike games where I can’t do so)! The characters that make up this story are captivating and suck you into their world, leaving you with some tough choices to make. Also, bonus points for romance! (Yen is one of my all time favorite characters, Triss never stood a chance for me. Sorry Triss fans 😂)

Larian:

Divinity Original Sin 2 (2017)

“The Divine is dead. The Void approaches. And the powers lying dormant within you are soon to awaken. Choose your role in a BAFTA-winning story, and explore a world that reacts to who you are, and the choices you make. With five races to choose from, and an adventure playable solo or as a party of up to four, lay waste to an oppressive order in a world afraid of magic. Become the God the world so desperately needs.”

Full disclosure, I have not finished playing this one yet and will update when I do, but what I’ve played so far has been great! A classic, turn-based RPG that allows you a wide range of character customization. I find this game incredibly satisfying to be a rogue (my preferred class) because it lets me live my dream of throwing knives at people. Also, romance!

Baldur’s Gate III beta (2020)

“An ancient evil has returned to Baldur's Gate, intent on devouring it from the inside out. The fate of Faerûn lies in your hands. Alone, you may resist. But together, you can overcome. Gather your party.”

Fair warning, as of my most recent update to this post (March 30th, 2021) this game is still in a beta phase, which means it is NOT complete and has aspects that are missing, glitchy, or subject to change. With that being said, I’m so obsessed. It’s so, so good already and is only getting better. Another wide open world to explore with a group of companions with strong and sometimes clashing personalities, choices are abundant in this game and will affect how your party members think of you. This game so far gives me the feeling that choices are complicated and aren’t always easy to tell which is morally right, which I personally love. Also, I can be a sarcastic ass with a good heart, which is always fun. Astarion basically owns me now, but if you can resist him there are plentiful other romance choices as well! Customization is already a wider range than I’ve seen in most RPGs and they haven’t even finished the character creator yet, which has me SO excited for the finished product. Also - good hair?!??!! I love it!

Lionhead:

Fable III (2010)

“Lead a revolution to take control of Albion, fight alongside your people, and experience love and loss while preparing to defend the kingdom against a looming threat. Your choices as ruler will lead to consequences felt across the entire land.”

I’ll be honest, this one isn’t my favorite on the list, but was good enough to still make it! This game allows you to choose between playing as the prince or the princess on a quest to save your kingdom from itself, and then a greater threat as well. The game takes place in a kingdom loosely modeled after industrial England, and what did score it some major points were (SPOILER WARNING - skip the purple if you don’t want to know!) that the last act of the game lets you play as the monarch, where you are forced to make some tough decisions in order to save your kingdom. It is very easy to back yourself into a corner, pinch pennies in order to fund the army and save the kingdom, but make your citizens hate you because of it. You’re gonna have to be very, very careful, which is something I did really enjoy about this game. (I’ve heard Fable II was better, and that’s also on my list to try, will update in the future!)

Nintendo:

Fire Emblem Three Houses (2019)

“War is coming to the continent of Fódlan. Here, order is maintained by the Church of Seiros, which hosts the prestigious Officer’s Academy within its headquarters. You are invited to teach one of its three mighty houses, each comprised of students brimming with personality and represented by a royal from one of three territories. As their professor, you must lead your students in their academic lives and in turn-based, tactical RPG battles wrought with strategic, new twists to overcome. Which house, and which path, will you choose?”

Currently playing this one and I’m so addicted! This one is slightly outside of my usual taste but it has made me interested in playing more games like it. The player controls Byleth (you can rename them if you wish), who becomes a professor of combat and battle tactics despite their young age at a monastery and finds themself in charge of a house of students. Battles are tactics and strategy based and classes are highly customizable. I sunk like 30 hours into this game in the last three days. I won’t say more about the plot to avoid spoilers, but it’s been a ton of fun and also has slow burn romance

Spiders:

Greedfall (2019)

This game destroyed my soul in the best way and when I finished it I immediately started a new game to play it again. You play as Lady or Lord De Sardet, Legate of the Congregation of Merchants and effectively the right hand of your cousin, who has been appointed governor of your new colony on the island. While I enjoy the combat in this game, which allows you the choice between one handed, two handed, magic, and pistols or rifles (save that ammo for when you really need it!), this game focuses heavily on diplomacy and relations. Be careful what information you give to whom and how you treat every decision. The enemies you make early on might be people you need on your side later. I also love that choices aren’t always clearly right or wrong, and often are more complicated than they first appear. Even the best intentions can sometimes go awry.

Ubisoft:

Assassin’s Creed, Syndicate (2015)

“London, 1868. In the heart of the Industrial Revolution, lead your underworld organization and grow your influence to fight those who exploit the less privileged in the name of progress”

Another one that I’ll admit, I haven’t finished, and is definitely the odd one out on the list because it’s set in Victorian England, but I was having fun with what I had played so far before Greedfall distracted me. In this game, you alternate between controlling twins Jacob and Evie Frye as you explore and liberate London while meeting famous historical figures and running a gang on the side.

Assassin’s Creed, Origins (2017)

“Ancient Egypt, a land of majesty and intrigue, is disappearing in a ruthless fight for power. Unveil dark secrets and forgotten myths as you go back to the one founding moment: The Origins of the Assassin’s Brotherhood.”

In the spirit of honesty, I haven’t started this one yet, but I am so confident that I’m gonna love it when I do that it’s here anyway. I’ve purchased it, and will get to it soon, I swear! In the meantime, I wanted to put it here because I’m confident some of you will enjoy it. Will come back with a review once I know more.

Assassin’s Creed, Odyssey (2018)

“Write your own epic odyssey and become a legendary Spartan hero in Assassin’s Creed® Odyssey, an inspiring adventure where you must forge your destiny and define your own path in a world on the brink of tearing itself apart. Influence how history unfolds as you experience a rich and ever-changing world shaped by your decisions.”

Y’all this game owned my soul for a while. I’ve sunk so many hours into it. You have a choice to play as either Kassandra or Alexios and navigate the wonders of Ancient Greece. The world is stunning, the choices are important, and this game took a big step for the assassins creed series in becoming a true RPG. I can’t recommend this one enough, you should absolutely go for it!

Assassin’s Creed, Valhalla (2020)

“Become Eivor, a legendary Viking warrior. Explore England's Dark Ages as you raid your enemies, grow your settlement, and build your political power in the quest to earn a place among the gods in Valhalla.”

This game is brand new, hot off the press, and has already been a massive hit. I have only JUST started playing it and am about an hour in, but so far so good! It’s here on my recommendations list because of its wild popularity and because I’ve already enjoyed other games in this series, so I feel confident that some of my fellow dragon age fans will enjoy it. Will update again once I get further in.

Other games on my To Be Played list (otherwise known as things I don’t want to recommend because I know almost nothing about them but will update here after I know more)

-Pillars of Eternity 1 and 2

-Horizon Zero Dawn

-Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag

-Fable 1 and 2

-Kingdoms of Amalur

-Breath of the Wild

-Crimson Desert (not out yet but I’m intrigued)

Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind (1984)

Prayers and Salutations Cult Members! I am your mysterious minister Reverend Chainsaw and this is another nights revival service at the Cult Film Tent Revival. I bring you a special word tonight. Tonight's word is about a person who roamed the earth, in a time where people were backward and warlike. A leader emerged into a kingdom full of eschatological expectation. This leader came preaching peace, and was killed for the sins of the world, but was resurrected. In that resurrection a new hope was brought to the planet, and true healing through the power of love in the face of violence is made possible. I am talking of course about Princess Nausicaa from the Valley of the Wind.

The Message

Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind is the film that put studio Ghibli and Hayoa Miyazaki on the map. No animated feature this grandiose and epic had been achieved by 1984, as much as Disney may beg to differ. The tale may be simple, and it may feel super 80s to us today, but Nausicaa is a masterpiece, and the fact that Howl's Moving Castle is brought up alongside Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away more often than Nausicaa is a farce and a tragedy.

The film takes place on a fantastic planet that seems to have suffered the ravages of an apocalyptic war. A war that involved gigantic warriors with powers so devastating they about made the entire planet inhospitable if not uninhabitable; save for a few areas. The fall out of this ancient war has left the earth in a state of repair, where the natural processes of a planet healing has creating giant toxic jungles.

Beyond these jungles lie two imperialistic factions, they seem almost to be city-states but it's not terribly clear. The Kingdom of Tolmekia, a militaristic proto-fascist society of almost Spartan sensibilities. Tolmekia is governed by the ambitious and cynical Princess Kushana, But I like to call her Furiosa. Just like Furiosa, Kushana is physically missing parts of herself, a visual metaphor for her metaphysical lacking and the parts of her humanity she has cut away. Kushana's world view is one of fear, a fear that can only be quelled by waging a genocidal campaign against her enemies.

Speaking of enemies, the Athens to Tolmekias Sparta would be the Pejite Kingdom. The Pejites might like to view themselves as simply responding to Tolmekian aggression, but the narrative of the film, and the story told quite visibly on the body of Kushana, is quite different. The Pejites are just as bloodthirsty if not more palettable in their approach, but like the Tolmekians, they believe only their own lives have any value. And thus, in this theatre of war, a Giant Warrior from the ages before is unearthed by the Pejite Kingdom, Stolen by the Tolmekians, before the forces of nature themselves, seem to conspire to drop the Giant Warriors "egg" right into the Valley of the Wind.

The Valley of the Wind is populated like the world of Avatar the Last Airbender, that is mostly of children and the elderly. The people of the Valley have been able to remain untouched by the ravages of war and the toxic jungles of the damaged world primarily due to geographic luck that's explained in minor exposition in the film. They are ruled by a King, and they are all deeply enamored by their beloved Princess Nausicaa.

Nausicaa is a gentle soul. She is kind to animals, she is empathetic, unreasonably patient, and bears pain and grief inflicted on her out of cruelty with a saintly understanding. She really is a thinly veiled Christ figure, scratch that. There is no veil. But she's also my favorite Christ figure. She does not preach a message, as much as she tries to save everyone from their own short sighted goals. She is not perfect, she does lash out and do some fantasy sword fight murder, but she regrets her actions so deeply that it seems to have played a part in motivating her to become even more compassionate and patient with the evils of the world.

Nausicaa discovers yet another plot by the Pejites, who are afraid of the possibility of the Tolmekians awakening the Giant Warrior, to use animal cruelty to enrage a group of almost invincible giant insects known as the Ohm. By luring the Ohm into the Valley of the Wind where the Tolmekians have become an occupying force, they hope to completely wipe out everything that threatens them. The Tolmekians DO awaken the Giant Warrior and pure pandemonium ensues. Nausicaa manages to save the Baby Ohm and calm the rage of the bloodthirsty Ohm swarm, and to defeat the warlike tendencies of both the Pejites and the Tolmekians. All the while fulfilling a prophecy fortold about a messianic savior figure called the Man in Blue.

Now that you have heard the Gospel of Nausicaa, please stand to receive The Benediction.

Best Character: Half a Person

Now that I've spent the better part of this review gushing about our Lord and savior Nausicaa. I have to admit, she's at times a bit too perfect, a bit too saccharin. Even her flaw, or her one weakness and her failing to be perfect, just adds to the perfection. I can't even say she never makes mistakes cuz she made one, and that's infuriating. It's even more infuriating that I still think she's a great character. Normally this kind of thing really kills a hero. Most Chosen Ones are the most boring and least likeable characters in their narratives. I don't know how Nausicaa avoids this trap, but she does. I'll have to do some meditating on that.

However, just like in your typical Chosen One fantasy narrative, the hero is a lot less fun than the villain. I'm going to say the best character in Nausicaa is Kushana. I want to be like Nausicaa, but I don't understand her. She's almost alien, even though we learn all about her. Kushana is mysterious, secretive, and enigmatic, yet I understand her. She barely has an arc, she doesn't really change. She's cold and cynical to the bone, but I don't need to see much of her situation to completely understand why she is the way she is. I usually hate totalitarian bad guys, but Kushana I like. Sue Me.

Also fun fact, did you that Nausicaa means 'Sinker of Ships'. That's kinda fun.

Best Scene: Spoiled for Choice

I'm going to be lazy and say take your pick. There is really not a bad seen in this movie. If the action isn't going, then there's intriguing dialogue. If there's no dialogue then you may be about to get hit with a forceful burst of whimsy. There's horror, there's swordfights and aerial dogfights. The only thing in Nausicaa I don't like to see, is the bloody tortured Ohm Baby. It's like a god damned Sarah Mclachlan commercial.

Best Creature: Foxy Shazam!

The Ohm are so simplistic yet so detailed. The number of eyes is alien, but the way they are used is expertly expressive. Who'd think you could get me to love what basically amounts to a silverfish with the intensity that I love a kitten. How did Miyazaki pull an Okja with a creature that should be haunting our dreams? I don't know.

And what about the Giant Warrior! If you are an Evangelion fan then you probably already know that Hideaki Anno designed and animated the melting goopy biomechanical beast. Surely a sight that would make both H.R. Giger and Clive Barker giddy with excitement. Just the image of the silhouettes marching amidst the desolation of the old world is burned into my brain.

So which of these is the best creature from Ghibli's first outing? It's fucking Teto. It was always gonna be Teto you idiot. Just look at Teto, he's adorable. He's too cute to exist. I'm so alone. I need a pet.

Best Character Design: Tolmekian Regalia

I originally included this category to talk some about Kushana, however, at that time I also thought I was going to say Nausicaa was the best character. I thought hard about deleting it, but I think it's a different category and you can't accuse me of playing favorites because my favorite character is clearly Teto. Just to keep it simple. It's the two costume shift from full military regalia in white and gold, to the one metal arm, warrior princess get up. It's a great costume and a great look. Get on this shit cosplay nerds. It's great for Cons in Canada, you have to think about layers, and you can't keep going as Mr. Plow. It's lazy.

Best Excuse to Talk About Patrick Stewart's Character: Lord Yupa

I just realized that I was about to write this whole review without talking about Lord Yupa. Lord Yupa is a sword saint and all around badass I think a lot of entertainment, especially in the west is lacking bad ass old men. Lord Yupa particularly shines in the early half of the film as a warrior and as a wise council to Nausicaa. If she's Jesus then Yupa is John the Baptist. He is also voiced by the elegant and eloquent Patrick Stewart. He also comes with 2 chocobos!

Worst Character: For Whom Asbel Tolls

This might also be the worst actor category as well. Actual Cannibal (haha meme) and actual monster (haha real life) Shia Labeouf doesn't so much act in the role as he read the lines and it was recorded. The good news it doesn't effect the film too much because Asbel is completely forgettable. He is a catalyst to some of the action, but besides that I don't really care for him.

Worst Aspect: To Be Fair ...

It would be unfair to completely ignore anything negative about Nausicaa. I have already mentioned in many places that there are some pretty corny, or pretty predictable tropes to this movie. But what I can't capture in words is exactly why it feels fresh when it's done in this movie. I suppose that's what makes it good. It's just so good that it's weak points are lifted up by it's strengths. Some people may bored of Nausicaa's unyielding goodness, or that she very rarely chooses to take action as much as she chases and pleads with her surroundings, but I mean, she does pay for that eventually. It's a fantasy story and it hits a lot of timeless themes that have been hit in stories for as long as human beings have been telling stories. Some people may feel that it doesn't do enough to stand out.

Summary

I have defined the S tier for myself as "near perfect and personal favorite" films. I like to think that Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind is near perfect. Some may say that it looks like it might just be a personal favorite. In the case of Nausicaa, I'm having a very hard time telling the difference. I think it would be overly simple to claim that Nausicaa is just an ancient archetypal heroes journey with an 80s anime coat of paint. I think it's doing quite a few new and interesting things with that formula, those things are just playing out all around that narrative as opposed to being at it's center. For a first full length outing by the studio, you can really see Miyazaki's heart and the values he holds close to. I'll repeat myself so that we are completely clear on the matter. I think Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind is a near perfect movie.

Overall Grade: S

Arrow 7x16 FULL ON FREAK OUT:

So I think people either loved or hated 7x16, depending on whether or not we are into the Flash Forwards or not. I LOVED IT. And honestly I DON'T KNOW HOW I AM SUPPOSED TO CONTINUE TO LIVE AFTER THAT OPENING.

I don’t have coherent thoughts yet, so here’s just a list of things that murdered me I loved:

WHEN WE SEE IN THE REFLECTION THAT HE LAYS HIS HEAD AGAINST HERS.

"I love you so much." / "I love you so much. I'll love you even more after this baby's out of me." AND HIS SMILE AT FELICITY BEING FELICITY.

AND THE WAY HE KISSES HER HEAD, FOR SOOO LONG! (3x09 parallels my heart!)

AND THE HANDS! THE HANDS! I KNEW ABOUT THE HANDS YET I WAS STILL NOT PREPARED!!

AND THEN THEIR FACES WHEN THEY SEE MIA OH GOD!!!!!!!!!

lots more freakout under the cut!

Meanwhile, NYSSA YAAYYYY (and Katrina Law with prego belly lol)

and yes, obviously this poses a bunch of questions about what happened to Thea and Roy, but I believe (since Roy is clearly a part of the story they’re telling here) that that will be addressed

AND JUST can we please appreciate this that NO MATTER WHAT Felicity had Nyssa by her side all these years!? Like, maybe not living next door, but Nyssa definitely was a regular presence and just WOW. How awesome for both of them. 💗😭💗😭

And CAN WE PLEASE HAVE FELICITY WITH THAT QUASI-2x08 HAIRSTYLE IN THE PRESENT PLEASE!?!? I LOVE IT! I want to see more of it in season 7!!!

I think a lot of people aren’t liking Mia’s attitude? I want to be clear that I LOVE HER!. I do agree that Mia's tantrum at Felicity was a little fast...and super overblown, but whatever. There’s more to the story than we’re seeing. She’s clearly felt isolated her whole life and probably felt a little betrayed by her mom’s secret. We’ll probably find out more about their relationship, but even if we don’t, whatever. It’s a means to an end and I choose to just go with it.

(oh and btw confirmation that Felicity isn’t dead. Big duh. Better confirmation: SHE IS WEARING HER WEDDING RING. 🙌🙌🙌)

The fact that Felicity financed William’s startup is both

not surprising, like we were expecting something like that all along, but also

MURDERING ME WITH FEELS because like he thought she abandoned him 😭 and that he was alone 😭 and that she didn’t care 😭 and like 😭😭😭😭

AND THEN MIA SAYS "Guess she might have been watching over you, after all” and honestly WTF HOW DARE!?!?!?!?!

AND THE FACT THAT WILLIAM HUGS HER AND FORGIVES HER AND CHOOSES TO FIGHT WITH HER IS JUST 😭 And they are really going with this redemption theme in all directions and UGHHHHH it’s not FAIR

OKAY SO I’m going to put a pin in this: "For once in your life, mom, put your family first." because

I DO NOT LIKE THAT. 

"Being a hero means choosing other people's safety above your own." I DO NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.

I DO NOT LIKE WHAT IT SUGGESTS

and I DO NOT LIKE THE LACK OF GROWTH BECAUSE

MOST DEFINITELY THAT IS NOT WHAT BEING A HERO MEANS

I OBJECT

and I think there’s more to it that than, and I know we’ll see it soon, and in short

WAIT AND HOPE 😒

HOWEVER: "Being a hero is my purpose" is FUCKING EVERYTHING THANK YOU, EVERYONE ELSE SIT DOWN

Felicity Smoak is a hero without a mask

a badass since always

a beacon of hope

the heart and soul of Arrow

and this has always been true. Having her say it is just 🙌

Mia saying "What the frack!" YASS! and “I need some air.” just 💗💗💗

Felicity introducing Mia to the riff raff was 100% badass: "This is Mia. These are mine and Oliver's impeccable genetics." just the perfect blend of sass, wit, pride (in her daughter), and (I think) pride in her and Oliver 😍 Could not have been more perfect.

FELICITY IN THE FIELD WITH THE TEAM, WITH HER CHILDREN!? Just go ahead and murder me some more, okay??? 😭 And Felicity in the green mask. And all three of them being so fucking badass. And such a good team. 

“Overwatch. No one’s called me Overwatch in a very long time.” 😩😭😩😭

also William handing Felicity down the stairs is such an Oliver move and OH GOD MY EMOTIONS!

WHAT A FAMILY! The Queen (Smoak-Clayton) Clan IN THE FIELD 😱😱😱 CAN YOU IMAGINE WHEN (yes, when) WE FINALLY GET OLIVER TO COMPLETE THE LINE-UP!?!? I WILL DIE.

And finally, I just need a very big moment of appreciation for when Felicity says: "There's always another way."

BECAUSE I CANNOT HELP IT I AM A SUCKER FOR RECURRING THEMES AND THAT ONE IS MY FAVORITE

Felicity as the one who showed Oliver that there’s another way, and then her way became his way, and that hope, that optimism, IT IS AN ESSENTIAL PART OF THEM 😩😩😩

HERE IS THE LINK (go to it and “like” it because @clarissa-adelefairchild makes the absolute best Olicity clips and we should show our appreciation) and at 1:48 she says “There is another way” and then at 2:18 she says THE THING 😭💗😭💗

also bonus, William and Felicity being awesome partners!! 😭 and Mia’’s line: “Oh good, now there are two of you” 😂

And then the final scene with Mia and Felicity.....................YALL. I CANNOT SPEAK OF IT. Just 😭😭😭😭😭😭

So anyway, to wrap up, my very loose, not-thoroughly-vetted spec for the rest of the flash forwards this season (contains spec and spoilers):

I do not believe Oliver is dead, at all. The way they speak of him in 7x16 (in the present tense, without any “reverence” that you would reserve for a fallen hero, etc.) only make me more certain of this.

furthermore, I don’t think there’s much of a mystery as far as Oliver is concerned in the future. I think it’s only a mystery to the audience. Again, no one seems particularly concerned about him in the future.

this leads me to believe that he’s alive, but that people have made “mental peace” with his status. I think this means he’s thought to be either a) EVIL or b) CRAZY and that he might be believed to be locked up or in some other way neutralized.

but I also believe that that’s UNTRUE and only what Oliver and Felicity want people to believe; I think they’re working on something together, whether taking down Galaxy One or something even bigger.

BTW I still think most of this episode tracks with this spec.

my main question being that, if Galaxy One and the Ninth Circle are basically the same, then it wouldn’t make sense for Felicity to have said that “this is not about Oliver.” So...questions remain. We’ll definitely find out sooner rather than later.

So coming up with have the Canaries episode, where we’ll possibly wrap up Black Siren’s storyline...which would explain her absence in the future.

and everyone wants to know WHERE IS JOHN DIGGLE: well, I predict John’s upcoming episode (Spartan - is it 7x19? I think?) is when we’ll finally see him in the future, I think. Bit clearly he has something to do with the anti-Argus group, and clearly that will stem directly from the 7x19 storyline that will deal with John/Lyla/Argus/Ben Turner/baby Connor/John’s dad?? 

and everyone also wants to know WHERE IS THEA: and I think we’ll definitely get answers to that as well, when we dig further in to Roy’s storyline.

I AM SO EXCITED FOR WHERE THIS IS GOING, YALL. I still have my fears. I still have many lingering questions. BUT I HAVE FAITH IN THE PLAN! 

YEEEEEEEEEEESH THIS WAS LONG. gonna tag a few who might care?

@ixxmcmxciv @lucyyh @msbeccieboo @faegal04 @dmichellewrites @tangled23works @babblingblondegenius @jules85 @it-was-a-red-heeler @blondeeoneexox 

Things We Learnt From the First Wave of EW Coverage

1. Luke believed Ben Solo was the chosen one

“[Luke] made a huge mistake in thinking that his nephew was the chosen one, so he invested everything he had in Kylo, much like Obi-Wan did with my character,” Hamill says. “And he is betrayed, with tragic consequences. Luke feels responsible for that. That’s the primary obstacle he has to rejoining the world and his place in the Jedi hierarchy, you know? It’s that guilt, that feeling that it’s his fault, that he didn’t detect the darkness in him until it was too late.”

LOL, what a mess.

2. Luke gives Rey a chilly reception - and forces her to confront her sense of abandonment afresh

Luke definitely does not give Rey the warm welcome he received when he went in search of Alec Guinness’ Ben Kenobi in 1977’s original Star Wars. She is warned. She is given an explanation. Nevertheless …“She’s so hopeful to everything,” Ridley says. “And obviously there’s a hint of, ‘What the hell?’”

This rejection hits Rey’s abandonment issues. Hard.

Luke’s brush-off makes Rey miss the gruff warmth of Han Solo, Ridley says, giving us a peek inside the head of her character: “’Oh my God, this other man that I lost within a couple days was somewhat of a father figure. Now he’s gone, and instead I’m with this grumpy guy on an island who doesn’t want me here.’” 

But Ridley says Rey is also placing huge expectations on Luke. She arrives on the island of Ahch-To, site of a primitive Jedi temple, not to become a hero herself, but to shove Skywalker back into the fight. “I don’t think one girl, who he doesn’t know, turning up with a lightsaber is gonna make him go, ‘Oh, s—, yeah, of course I’ll get back into the action,’” Ridley says.

Poor bb Rey.

3. Kylo is fascinated by Rey 

As we know, the young scavenger was ditched as a child on the hardscrabble junkyard world of Jakku by unknown parents and left for years to survive on her own. But lately, she has gotten accustomed to making fast friends, like BB-8, Finn, Chewbacca, and General Leia Organa. Even the murderous Kylo Ren became fascinated by her strength and resilience after kidnapping her.

No shit.

4.  Ahch-To is home to a quasi-nunnery populated by vaguely amphibious caretakers - and they merely tolerate Luke Skywalker’s presence 

“They’re kind of these sort of fish-bird type aliens who live on the island,” Johnson says. “They’ve been there for thousands of years, and they essentially keep up the structures on the island. They’re all female, and I wanted them to feel like a remote sort of little nunnery,” Johnson says. “Neal Scanlan’s crew designed them, and costume designer Michael Kaplan made these working clothes that also reflected sort of a nun-like, spartan sort of existence.”They can communicate with Luke through what Johnson describes as “a blubbery sort of Scottish fish talk” but they’re not thrilled to have him hanging around. Johnson says they “tolerate” his presence.

Please let this be Black Narcissus with extra aliens.

5. We’ll learn more about Snoke’s nature and goals - but don’t expect his lifestory

Johnson says The Last Jedi will reveal more about Snoke and his goals, but his history will remain somewhat murky. “Similar to Rey’s parentage, Snoke is here to serve a function in the story. And a story is not a Wikipedia page,” the filmmaker says. “For example, in the original trilogy, we didn’t know anything about the Emperor except what Luke knew about him, that he’s the evil guy behind Vader. Then in the prequels, you knew everything about Palpatine because his rise to power was the story.” In The Last Jedi, Johnson says, “we’ll learn exactly as much about Snoke as we need to.”

Hahahaha at all the emptiness of the inane Snoke speculation.

6. Snoke is no puppet on a string 

Will we see Snoke performed as a real-life puppet? “No, it’s entirely a mo-cap performance,” Johnson says. “[Creature designer] Neal Scanlan built a maquette that we had on set for lighting reference and to give the actors a sense of what it was going to feel like. And then we scanned that and [Industrial Light & Magic] used that in their renderings, but Snoke will be an entirely CG creation.”

Don’t take anything for granted - least of all spoiler reports!

7. Finn starts out desperate to leave the fight and find Rey 

“It got really real for him,” Boyega tells EW. “And he just wants to get away and not be involved. His intention in the first place was to go to the Outer Rim. He was always brought back [in The Force Awakens,], but this is his chance to get away and perhaps find Rey and go off together. He’s trying to do that at first.”

I have a funny feeling of deja-vu!

8. Rose is a true nobody

“Poe Dameron is super cool. Finn’s super cool. Even though [Rose] is good at what she does, she’s not known,” Tran says. “She’s not cool. She’s this nobody, this background player, which is what makes her interesting. She’s not the best. She’s not royalty. She’s someone who is just like everyone else.”

Rose is a gearhead, a grease monkey, a behind-the-scenes jack-of-all-trades, while her sister Paige (played by Veronica Ngo) is the dynamic one — a Resistance gunner who fights on the front lines alongside Resistance luminaries like Poe Dameron, Oscar Isaac’s X-wing ace.

Rose - nobody or not - sounds pretty awesome, imho.

9. Rose and Finn drive each other forward - but people can struggle to live up to others’ expectations

Rose is starstruck by Finn: “He appreciates the adoration for a second, but when he meets her, Finn is trying to escape the whole war. He’s trying to leave,” Boyega says. “And she comes in and basically gives him a depiction of himself that wasn’t necessarily true.” But he likes the impression Rose has, the vision she has of him. A good guy. A brave guy. Seeing himself through her eyes gives the ex-Stormtrooper something to live up to. “It’s now an opportunity for him to be the best he can be. He has to make a decision, and Rose is there to help him make that choice.”

It shouldn’t be a spoiler to reveal that, yes, she helps Finn stay in the fight, although the urge to get out is still burning inside him.

Also… living up to Rose’s high expectations is not a task anyone can truly fulfill.

Colour me intrigued...

Is this part 7? Will I ever stop writing?

Into the fire. Etc.

"Arcade!"

He's honestly not sure he's ever seen Julie look so pleased, and it makes him glad and melancholic at once, to think he's saying goodbye to this stage of his life. "It's me, yes. Long story, but obviously I survived-"

She's not the hugging type and he isn't either, so they draw to an awkward halt staring at each other. Arcade tucks his hands in his pockets, feeling sheepish.

"And, uh, we need to talk. A lot happened out there. Some of which is relevant to the Followers."

"All the time you want," Julie says; and considering her hectic schedule, that's saying quite a lot.

They retreat into her spartan office, ancient timbers creaking around them, where they can have tea and not be overheard. He fills her in quickly and efficiently, leaving out the more incriminating details- but the main points, about their small nucleus fleeing the Mojave for whatever they'll find in DC. Farther west than the Followers have ever been.

"Not that I'm necessarily the correct person to start a new chapter, but I know how overstretched we are already here, and we have next to no idea what we'll confront there regardless. So call it reconnaissance. I'll take meticulous notes, obviously. And if there's any way of staying in touch...well, that's up to the Brotherhood really, but I'll do my best."

"Good plans all. You'll need a new coat," Julie says.

"I admit it would be nice, but you'll never find one in my size in time."

She shakes her head, opens a locked cabinet.

"I ordered this from the Boneyard the day they took you. Not because I knew- but because I hoped."

It's perfect. Crisp and pristine, the right size, reassuringly deep pockets as ever. He slips it over his fatigues with a sense of warm relief.

"Julie, you're a blessing."

"And you're better than you give yourself credit for. Wear it in good health. You'll do us proud."

For a moment, he finds himself regretting the chain of events that has him tearing off into the blue, instead of amicably carrying on here with his indifferent research and emergency medicine.

Then he remembers that if it wasn't for that, it would have been Julie dragged to the Legion camp, Julie at the Sierra Madre, the hive of the Old Mormon Fort undoubtedly thrown into chaos without its meticulous queen; and all the self-doubt in the world can't make him second guess this particular accomplishment. Whatever happens to him next, he's already made a difference here.

He lets her get back to her multifarious crises, doesn't hurry his walk back home. Familiar faces offering congratulations or surprise, new refugees looking around with tired disbelief. The familiar herbal scent of his own tent-

"Emily?"

"Uh, hello? I'm not really a medical doctor, sorry-"

He can't help the edge of sarcasm trickling into his voice. "Arcade Gannon. You know, the stimpak researcher? Prior occupant of this tent?"

"Oh, sweet rads- sorry! Really sorry. I am so completely face blind," Emily confesses, nervously adjusting her glasses. "Julie moved me in here when you, uh..."

"Was kidnapped by the Legion, yes. I got over it, clearly, but where did you put my belongings?"

"Oh," Emily says, obviously relieved. "The footlocker behind the cot there.

More or less what he expected. The sourdough is indeed gone, but his plasma defender and caps are untouched, and no moisture has contaminated the seed packets he stored to restart work elsewhere if need be. He spares a moment of gratitude towards Judah for drilling that particular precaution into him.

Not much else to weigh him down. That's Enclave training too.

"If they ever bother you too much," Arcade says, and pauses. "Just close the flap and tie it shut from the inside. If they want you enough to get in regardless, it's probably important."

Emily cracks her ready smile, but only for a moment. "You're not coming back, I take it? Leaving me in possession of the good chair and your herb garden?"

"I seem to have got entangled in a four way poly relationship with a Great Khan, a First Recon, and a Vault Dweller, and I just can't stay on here now my personal life's become so complicated."

She howls until he actually starts to worry for her, clutching the table as she gasps for air. "You're hilarious. Keep well, Arcade, I'm going to miss your jokes."

It seems to be an ongoing constant in his life that perfectly straightforward statements of fact never get taken seriously.

Considering his background, maybe that's for the better.

*****

"You want to see the Strip one more time, Carla?"

"I would," she admits, giving Cow a final pat as she's led off- the Followers will pasture Brahmin for a small fee plus milking rights. "Westside shuffle, anyone?"

She means the hike down to McCarran. Takes a while, but the monorail isn't like anything you've ever seen. There's soldiers who spend a whole leave just riding back and forth on it, and count it time well spent.

"Yeah, sounds good. We can drop by First Recon, catch up while we're at it." Wouldn't feel right leaving without one more check-in.

"Hate to break it to you, but these aren't the good old days," Manny says. "There's a new gang out there called the Fiends, and they're giving both the militia and the NCR a run for their money. There's not even a safe way to get in these days."

"Shame," Carla says unhappily. "I suppose we could skip it."

"On the other hand," Manny says. "I know a guy."

He's staring me down as he says it, not Carla, and I know why. There's always been a line drawn between us, between him and his past, and that didn't matter when we were serving. Wouldn't matter if we were staying in Novac.

But we're turned loose now, and it's not just about the fake passport or whatever he'll suggest- it's how far I agree he can go. Snipers don't play clean, that's not how we operate. But Manny knows more dirty tricks than I do.

If I even thought I might go back, I'd stop him; but it's already too late. "Whatever doesn't get Carla shot at sounds best."

"I hooked up a guy called Dixon with our suppliers," Manny says. "Anyone in town can get us in, he's our man."

"Okay then."

Carla's eyes widen; but this time, she keeps her thoughts to herself.

*****

He's really gonna let me do this, huh.

You have to understand, Boone and I go way back, turning up at the Mojave Outpost for the same recruitment drive. Two Brahmin steaks and a hundred caps as a sign-up bonus. Some of my friends joined for that and ran off the same day, and some of them were shot at Bitter Springs.

Me, I knew I couldn't do that, not until someone figured out what I'd done to my head. And I could see the kid sitting across from me, empty-handed and crammed into jeans a size too small, couldn't afford to wash out either.

Did wonders for his ass, though. Not that I got around to mentioning that for a while.

Point is, though, he never had a chance to blow off a little steam, learn who buys and sells, drink Nuka laced with Jet or try out a whore. First it was the service, then it was Carla, and when she vanished he was too much of a mess for anything but the guard routine.

So this, here? Cutting me loose to stack the deck? Not the old Boone. Looks like I finally got through to that kid.

Doesn't feel as good as I figured it would.

Damn it.

Carla's little squeal when we walk on the Strip, though, that makes it worth it.

*****

You're home.

Well, you are and you aren't. Music's right, the neon glimmer is brighter than ever; but you can't stay. None of you have the kind of caps it costs to live here, it's just as simple as that.

You can dream, though.

One night, to catch up with Sarah and surprise your vendor contract with the last batch of commissions you'll ever do for him, half payment on delivery as agreed. One night to eat Brahmin Wellington at the Ultra-Luxe, with Manny ordering pre-war wine and Boone glaring at anyone who second-guesses his sunglasses. One night, to take in the terrible show at the Tops and wander out again, buy snack cakes from the vendor and imagine a world where it was always like this, everywhere.

One night to have a honeymoon suite at the Ultra-Luxe and fall asleep in a tangle of limbs and contentment, stretched across a ridiculous, sloshing water bed.

One night for everything, because who knows if you'll see it again?

Games I’m excited about for 2018

Spider-man (PS4 exclusive): This list is in no way ranked. That being said this is my most anticipated game of 2018. I have been waiting for a Spider-man game to grab me since Spider-man 2. When I was at E3 the gameplay looked really promising and showed that the developers knew what made the good games good. From what I can see they even were able to pull some of the things that made the bad games good a la “Web of Shadows”. I’m not going to say much else for fear of this whole post turning into a Spider-man rant. Don’t let me down Insomniac. Do not.

Dragon Ball FighterZ: This game looks SHIT HOT and I’m excited to have a fighter I really want to get into from this generation. Smooth seamless combat at breakneck speeds and so much source material it was probably daunting. DBZ is special to me and many people like me, the guys at Arc Systems have their work cut out for them and I’m excited. My fighting games thus far have been Soul Calibur 3, MvC 2, and the little I dabbled in Injustice 2 ....yeah as you can see fighting games aren’t my thing. This, however, this is gonna be something I commit to. Come January 28th these hands will be on sale, come and get it

Days Gone (PS4 exclusive): 28 Days Later-esque pandemic centered in a rich yet frightening wilderness with survival mechanics? Single Player based?Yes please and thank you I will be having all of it. The gameplay looks great and just as importantly, the story seems engaging. Yes, it’s the same Last of Us scenario we’ve encountered time and time again in both games and movies. This time I think that may have been taken into account. There’s a somber yet rooted tone that though again has been done before, really seems to hold up even in the brief cutscenes available online. Am I worried that the developers have really only accomplished the Syphon Filter series (dating myself here which is a scary thought), two PS Vita Uncharted games, one unremarkable Resistance game, and Bubsy 3D in ‘96.... NOPE fuck it cause it’s almost promised to be free of micro-transactions and actually be an enjoyable and enthralling experience.

Monster Hunter World: The beta was fun, combat felt a little empty at times but once it gets going there is no stopping this game. Something about hunting a Slug Fish creature in a swamp, turning a corner only to see some unholy being vaguely reminiscent of a T Rex fused with an Armadillo. At that point I realized that we may be the monster hunters but holy shitfuck we better come correct. Really really really deep equipment and tools settings. Your main weapon is just the beginning with perks, buffs both passive and active, as well as a few other key tools also being at your disposal. I got a buddy to join me and the two of us dragged each other through that ordeal but it was hard because it was new, I was still having a good time. I’m excited to see what Capcom brings to their first console rendition in 11 years for a franchise that is as highly acclaimed as this one. 

Far Cry 5: This is a series that has always done an amazing job at the whole “Hunter v Hunted” aesthetic. I always feel so powerful and dangerous when I play Far Cry and 3 was a huge step in the right direction. 4 had a lot of things that I enjoyed, the gunplay, vehicles, and characters were really good. It did, however, fall a little short story-wise as well as some worn game mechanics with this being the fourth in the series. I did not get to play FC5 at E3 because that line was absurd. That being said, from the gameplay available on Youtube and various interviews it does seem that Ubisoft is aware of the potential stale twinge Far Cry has developed over the years. I’m looking forward to cutting down zealot cultists in the open Montana landscapes. March 27.

Anthem: This game is important, after the fuck-shit-stack that was Battlefront 2 and the cacophony of backlash that came with it; EA have to get this right. This loot box based online shooter, the “Destiny-killer” it’s being called. How does one kill what is already dead? Fuck if I know but I am interested IF they can do it right. That being said, my hopes aren’t high, but this game will be a barometer. This will show whether EA is willing to bend at all on their plans for monetization. They know a BF2 scenario is totally on the table now, and if they misstep, there will be more backlash. Either way, we win, either we get a good game or EA get put on another stake to burn.

Vampyr: From the developer that brought us Life is Strange and Remember Me comes a new game set in London 1918 during the Spanish Flu pandemic. We will play a vampire (sigh prime journalism over here folks) in town with a set number of NPCs and each death will have consequences for both you and the city. Semi-open world with an RPG and combat focus, I’m so down and I really hope this game can do new things. Q2 (Jan., Feb., Mar.) 2018

Soul Calibur 6: My fighting game is back and this is going to be a weird year for me with not one but two fighting games that will find my focus this year. Mitsurugi, Sophitia, and around 20+ are back to beat the everloving snot out of each other. I’m excited because this is supposedly a “reboot” of the franchise which means a lot of the original characters will be back (Nightmare, Maxi, Ivy, Taki, Kilik, etc). Things like armor breaking are both interesting and worrisome. I suspect Taki, Ivy, and the other unreasonably busty women of the series will be left awfully vulnerable sans armor by the mid/end of a battle. Regardless, this revamp maybe what the fighting franchise needs to enter the ring against the big boys of this generation. 

Death Stranding: DEATH MOTHER FUCKING STRANDVXIRJORWTMDNGHF  Let me tell you something, Kojima is going to save us all. I’m serious he is going to take all our hands and walk us into the sunlight of gaming where there are no microtransactions, the singleplayer is an epic odyssey, the multiplayer is fun but unnecessary, and the gaming experience is not only unique but has a lasting impression on every gamer brave enough to hold a controller. This game is going to test us, change us, and maybe most importantly: make people rethink the way games are made/designed. The third person sci-fi nightmare adventure will be here before we know it and great Scott am I ready to dive in. 

Red Dead Redemption 2: Had you asked me about RDD2 and it’s hypothetical production about 3 years ago; I would’ve said something along the lines of  “Fuck yes yippie kai yay mfs where mah horse at”. After Take-Two (parent company of 2k and Rockstar) came out and essentially supported EA’s usage of loot boxes. The CEO stated that “Recurrent consumer spending was the way of the future,” which is concerning to say the very least. I’m worried my West World sim is gonna turn into well...something more like West World. “Oh what’s that want a new hat? 5 bucks. New horse? 10 doll hairs plz. New gun? 15 smackers and the skin off your respective genitalia. Thank you come again.” My once resounding and honestly strange response is definitely more tepid and cautious. GTAV is lending itself quite nicely to the ways of the microtransaction and I can just see little buckets of gold nuggets or some dumb shit like that hinging in front of me or at the local shop. If so may there be backlash, and lots of it. 

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Greedfall: Developed by Spiders, a team with an... interesting track record in gaming (Sherlock Holmes v Jack the Ripper, Bound by Flame, and Technomancer [yikes]). On paper, this game sounds like it might be worth a damn and this is the most publicity any of their games have gotten so that does peak my interest. That and the publisher is Focus Home Interactive, makers of games like Divinity 2 and The Surge as well as my highly anticipated Call of Cthulhu and Vampyr. Who knows, this team up might just work. An open world RPG with online mechanics sounds fun.

God of War: I have never played a God of War game all the way through. With this being my first PlayStation that does make sense. That being said, I’m very excited to sit down and try my hand at this rebooted series. Given the reputation and clear influence a game like GoW has had, it does lead my expectations up rather than down. Santa Monica is developing, Ready at Dawn for some reason isn’t but it’s good to see the original team getting another crack at the Spartan. This time Greco-Roman gods are put aside for a more Nordic feel. The chain blades replaced with a hefty ax as well as a few other tools from what I’ve read/heard. Another interesting single player experience for those turned off by multiplayer and microtransactions. Not to say it won't have them just look at Shadow of War. It does, however, make it considerably less likely.

BioMutant: Traverse an open and changing world as an also everchanging bio-genetic mutant. Supposedly going to have big rpg mechanics involving the fact that your character’s schtick is evolving and changing. Brought to you by THQ Nordic the people that brought us the highs of the Darksiders series, Painkiller: Hell and Damnation, and Red Faction (2001). As well as some lows like the recently imploded Elex, Alan Wake, and the classic Spynx and the Cursed Mummy. I really don’t know what to make of this resume let alone what to expect. I am however excited for something new in the third person adventure genre. 

Me rambling about Season 10

 I literally think I like Season 10 as much as I like stepping on an upside down plug barefoot. Okay, so maybe not that bad, probably just as much as I like stepping on a few Lego’s barefoot on the odd occasion. But yeah, Season 10 was pretty much like one of my least favourite seasons. I liked the first 8 episodes, and then after the mid season ‘cliffhangers’ it all just went downhill even more lol. (Season 10 spoilers undercut for people who aren’t up to date)

Don’t get me wrong, I did like some things about it, I loved that Tim and Casey got back together – I love them as a couple. I loved Caleb and Amy’s friendship throughout (even though he was in like 4 episodes) – I thought that was quite sweet. Of course.

I loved Mitch, my babe, just being there in episodes 1-17 ((which ever episodes he was in) I am basically making myself think that episode 18 did not happen because I literally think that was the worst episode known to man).

I loved Lou and Mitch’s relationship as always. I was really happy Lou and Peter got a divorce (not because I wanted her with Mitch) but because this happens in every day life – so having them get back together after two years would have been terrible.  I really enjoyed how Julia got more lines and was involved in storylines more, she was adorable and managed to lighten up the episodes she was in (although where the hell was Katie in 1017/18 we’ll never know lol).

 I loved Jack getting his Hall of Fame award, and them bringing back Will Vernon. I also adored how we got to see an actual relative of Lisa’s AND SHE WENT OUT THE HOUSE NUMEROUS TIMES IN SEASON 10!!!!!! WHATTT!? Let’s face it, Jisa are the saving grace of Heartland, k?

I just wished Lisa had been in more, Like seriously where was she all season? They barely even mentioned her when she wasn’t there – if at all! LIKE WHY ON EARTH WAS SHE NOT THERE FOR JACK’S POSSIBLE DAUGHTER? Like seriously? I actually think that was a really poor episode too, it just didn’t feel ‘right’ – kind of boring to be honest. I think if more people had been involved, it would have been so much better.  (Side note: I AM SO GLAD JESSICA STEEN IS ON SET MORE NOW LIKE SHE HAS BEEN MENTIONED IN ALL THREE BLOCKS FOR SEASON 11 WTAF!? – once again, Jisa are the saving grace of Heartland.)

As much as I liked Mallory and Jake coming back, I felt like her getting married was beyond a joke. Like that whole “marriage” thing is just like… Why does this show have to make out that you need to be married, or in a relationship in order to be happy? Seriously? Even Georgie is between boys and I wouldn’t be surprised if she has more on the go in season 11. Like as much as I ship some of these characters I don’t see why there is a need for people to be “together” to be happy all the time. Also wasn’t keen on Caleb and Cass’ marriage – like we haven’t really seen them as a couple so it’s hard to accept lol.

Two storylines that bothered me more than I’d care to admit were Mitch’s PTSD and Adam’s Diabetes. The show could have made so much more out of these conditions and really gone into some depths and detail about it. But no. It was mentioned, and then not really done anything about. Yes I am aware we have known about Adam’s Diabetes since 918 but when the “issue” came up in S10, it wasn’t delt with at all right and wasn’t even spoken about properly. Like legit I don’t think I have ever been so annoyed with storylines looking into disabilities and mental health as much as I have been with this show (even looking into S8 when Lou was ‘worried’ about Katie’s development). Imho I honestly think this show could do a lot more to be supportive of disabilities and mental health issues. Like Mitch, held a gun for the first time since Afghan – froze – talked to Jack for a bit and bang. All near enough forgotten… like really?

Also I love how the Mid Season Finale there was a car accident and no one was hurt or really affected. Georgie’s parents died in a car crash. Amy nearly died in the same car crash that killed her mum AND SPARTAN WAS IN A HORSE BOX BEHIND THEM AND HE GOT OUT THE TRAILER AND JUST TROTTED OFF WITH TIM ON HIS BACK LIKE NO BIG DEAL. Like yeah Georgie was a bit wobbly the next episode about the crash – but it was fixed with her and Amy having a 2-minute chat saying “yeah, I think about it too” – wow she really is the miracle girl cos she cured Georgie there and then! Like seriously, you would have thought there would be some trauma after it happened…

Amy’s pregnancy. Wow. It was literally just stupid (not even timeline wise). Like the fact she got pregnant in S9 was just annoying as well because of the whole “Yeah lets enjoy being married first” talk in 914. Those two must’ve really enjoyed being married that much they forgot to use protection, cos hello, 4 episodes later “Lol ur gonna be a dad” and Ty’s like “ooo yay” – REALLY?! But yeah, she had a scare in 1005 (I think, not rewatched) and didn’t tell her fam, or TY – WHAT REALLY? THEN IN 1009/1010 which was just terrible – she was like in lots of pain AND DIDN’T PUT HER BABY FIRST AND DIDN’T GO TO THE HOSPITAL – that is the most stupidest decision I have ever seen “amy” do – and kissing/lying about the prince is in the running here! THEN SHE LAUGHED IT OFF TO HER HUSBAND LIKE NOTHING REALLY HAPPENED!

I really enjoyed Ty going over to Mongolia for a bit, because I really enjoyed the new storyline. But it dragged on for 12 episodes. I’d have been okay with like 8 max. Even if he had to come home early because he missed Amy, or because he was worried – yep that’s fine. But 12 episodes just dragged. THEN they decide to get him ill? And he has a tick? SERIOUSLY? Like as much as I loved that episode I thought it was a little rushed – Ty and his ‘regrets’ and him ‘talking to brad that he’s gonna be a good father’ – sweet – but rushed. We also didn’t see anything about the poachers… like honestly why do that? Why even bring up the poachers if nothings going to be done/resolved?

 Ty was home for what, a day? Then Amy went into labour… *sighs* which meant we didn’t get to see Caleb and Cass’ wedding – which was another terrible story in itself and seemed to only be there as a catalyst to get Amy into Labour… Typicallllllll… AND THEN SHE HAD A HOME BIRTH – turned out she had talked it through thoroughly with the docs– I’d have probably been more okay with it if we actually got to see some of these conversations!? AND THEN AND ONLY THEN DID THEY HAVE A GIRL. I really wanted them to have a boy, it would have opened up so many more new storylines – why couldn’t there be a miracle boy? Like Why did it have to be a girl and her horse? Why not a boy and his horse? Ugh I cant even talk more about this storyline it annoys me too much.  

Basically, Season 10 started off good but turned out awful. Officially on #TeamNoExpectations and I am not expecting grate stuff (apart from Jisa our saving grace) in Season 11. I went into Season 10 with a lot of hope about some stories but after that season, I’m not even getting my hopes up. I really hope Season 11 is better than Season 10, one storyline I’m really not looking forward to is anything baby. I am so glad we are skipping six months! Still no homes are up. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still really love the show – but I love everything apart from Season 10… and I really love the actors – I will continue watching the show for them because of the hard work they put in – they obviously can’t help the storylines etc so as much as I don’t like certain characters/storylines I will always appreciate everything the cast and film crew do. I really had to write all this down and now I have I have realised how much I did not like Season 10 haha - I thought I enjoyed it more than I have done!

ALY & AJ - TAKE ME [6.54] Poptimist high school reunion...

Tara Hillegeist: I wish I could say I enjoyed E•MO•TION; I found it flat and unengaging as a whole experience, but I'm really digging this new b-side from those sessions anyway, now that I've got some time and distance and it's not attached to a whole album -- wait, why are you giving me that look? [7]

Joshua Copperman: Considering Aly and AJ are totally different people than they were a decade ago, it's better to treat this as a new artist than as a Potential Comeback Song. Verdict: in a vacuum, it's a lot of fun! I'll even admit that it's a better Carly Rae Jepsen song than "Cut To The Feeling," if not quite to the level of something transcendent like "Your Type." To be fair, the production on "Take Me", by Mike Elizondo, is much more complicated than much of E•MO•TION, which is both a great thing (love the random drum fills that pop up everywhere) and sometimes unnecessary (that whole delayed-beat gimmick gets very repetitive). The lyrics are a lot of fun, but moments like the distorted "first you gotta ask me out" at the bridge are needlessly edgy for what's mostly a casual bop.  [7]

Katie Gill: "But Katie," you say, "this is just a generic electropop jam that's yet another retread of 1980s synthpop! Every electropop group out there thinks that they should use this 1980s synthpop aesthetic!" To which I say, yes, you're right, this is treading water and not bringing anything new to the table, but I'm a sucker for this nonsense, at least it's a well-crafted retread, and I've had "Potential Breakup Song" stuck in my head since 2008 so WHO GIVES A DAMN, new Aly & AJ, let's all celebrate. [7]

Alfred Soto: The point at which rattling synth-pop curdles from pastiche to parody, some might say. Yet "Take Me" is to Carly Rae Jepsen (or Tegan and Sara) what "The Glow of Love" was to Chic. Once again, I credit the charisma of the performers. So they almost get away with it. [6]

Will Adams: There's no chorus. There's no chorus! Just a sinkhole of windswept '80s lite rock that, no matter how explosive it is here, has reached a saturation point amongst so many bubbling under pop acts. St. Lucia's "Dancing On Glass" managed the beat-late drop better, MUNA injected the modern flourishes better, and Carly Rae Jepsen conveyed the emotion better. [4]

David Sheffieck: Not only is this better than a reunion song from a mid-range Radio Disney contributor has any right to be, it's an easy qualifier as one of the best of the ongoing, apparently-inexhaustible '80s (or "'80s") trend. Aly & AJ's synths may be a bit familiar, but if the opening chords start them at a deficit then the Tears for Fears chime of the guitar and stadium-filling echo on the snare are inspired enough to make up for it. And the lyric would manage if they didn't: it's a demand, a plea, an unsuppressed urge that erupts into the over-driven, staccato shriek of the song's hook. That hook is unique, and uniquely arresting; I'll happily sit through another year of MOR synthpop for a bit like the pseudo-Clearmountain Pauses surrounding it. They're vertiginous moments, as if the song needs to regain its balance before pushing forward, pulsing and distorted and sparklingly irresistible. [10]

Claire Biddles: Love it as I do, this warm '80s synth template has been filled by so many acts in the past year that it takes real charisma, or a banging chorus, or preferably both, to keep me interested. "Take Me" doesn't have either, and the screeching, try-hard vocals of Aly and/or AJ are at odds with their chill surroundings: a juxtaposition that's grating rather than subversive. [3]

Nortey Dowuona: Wandering synth pads over limp drums and a suddenly sliding bass slipping through the ghostly parts of a decently written song about going out with someone cool. [5]

Katherine St Asaph: Closest thing to a new Sky Ferreira single it looks like we're going to get. [6]

Ashley John: "It seems to me that our three basic needs, for food and security and love, are so mixed and mingled and entwined that we cannot straightly think of one without the others. So it happens that when I write of hunger, I am really writing about love and the hunger for it, and warmth and the love of it and the hunger for it ... and then the warmth and richness and fine reality of hunger satisfied ... and it is all one." (The Art of Eating by M. F. K. Fisher.) "I know that you would want it/ If I could sink my teeth into you" ("Take Me" by Aly & AJ.) [7]

Stephen Eisermann: Aly & AJ won me over so many years ago with their iconic "Potential Breakup Song," so I came in ready to enjoy this. Thankfully, these two didn't disappoint. The interesting structure of the song -- one that relies primarily on the sisters' delivery and the music to sell the story of a woman's internal monologue during a far too long "talking phase" -- tries its best to carry the song all the way to excellence, but the lack of any concrete details do make it difficult to fully immerse in the song's universe. Still, their delivery is cold enough to fell their hurt and see the resentment on the horizon; a beautiful, heartbreaking picture is painted, however blurry, and sometimes filling in the details with pieces from your memory is  more cathartic anyway.  [7]

Alex Clifton: As one of maybe thirty people who have obsessively checked Aly & AJ's Wikipedia page for the past, err, nine years to see when they were ever going to release a new album -- yeah, we got the gorgeous, haunted "Hothouse", but that never led to an official LP -- I was ecstatic to hear that they'd be returning this fall. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up unnecessarily, but it turns out I needn't have worried at all. "Take Me" is fully engrossing. I can't focus on anything else as I listen to it. Aly & AJ have taken a page out of Carly Rae Jepsen's 80s-inspired E•MO•TION songbook rather than Taylor Swift's glossed-over pop, which pays off tremendously. The verses are lyrically Spartan, but as soon as AJ yells "WHEN YOU GONNA TAKE ME OUT?" I'm caught up in the moment, shot with the same desperation. Like Jepsen before them, the girls cut right to the feeling and leave me needing more. [8]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: Is there anything quite like the process of courtship? No, not with a person, but with a song. When I first heard "Take Me," its chorus genuinely surprised me -- the constantly shifting synthesizers and dramatic drum fills were technicolor lights flashing before my eyes, compounding on the shock I had already felt from the go-for-broke "WHEN YOU GONNA TAKE ME OUT!" It was a good first impression to say the least, so I decided to investigate further. In an effort to fully understand what the song had to offer, I spent numerous hours listening, dancing, and singing along to it in various settings. I've become less obsessed recently, primarily listening to it during my work commute. Those listens have become crucial, though, and it's only now that I've begun to really appreciate it. If there's anything I've learned from my time spent with perfume, it's that I need to be willing to submit myself to art, to let it become a part of my identity beyond a mere signpost of personal taste. And as such, listening to "Take Me" has become an essential part of my morning ritual. And the joy that overflows from "Take Me"'s coquettish vocals and lyrics have shaped how I (want to) act throughout the day. Last Friday, I was standing near the back of my classroom and inadvertently started singing the first lines of "Take Me" while doing a little dance. One of my students looked up and said, "What are you doing Mr. Kim?" "Oh you know," I chuckled, "I'm just in a really good mood." [8]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

Ranking of the Assassin’s Creed main games

A personal ranking of the main story games of the Assassin’s Creed series. I will be putting ten eleven twelve spots, as there are ten eleven twelve games (one being released soon), and I will just leave the spots open and move them around as I play the games. Please note that I strive to get 100% synchronization so any optional stuff that isn’t necessary does affect my opinion.

Updated: 12/25/2020

Warning: There is spoilers, cursing and opinions below.

12 - Assassin’s Creed: Unity - This game took the longest for me to complete. Literal years to finish. I can’t even remember when I started playing this game (I’m guessing somewhere around late 2017 or early 2018, since I finished III in 2017 and finished Rogue not too long after that) but I had about 70% already done when I picked it back up these last couple weeks and powered through it as much as possible. What really ruined the game experience was the co op missions. I’m shite at the games, so I’m not going to actually try to play with other people. Soloing each of those three times to get all the armor was a nightmare. I’d much rather play the first game again because at least its shorter than this one. The controls are a bit buggy and because the free run system changed, I definitely had a hard time adjusting to it. I didn’t have many opinions about the clothes and weapons, and I never even took much of a look at the color options. Overall game time: I actually don’t know. It doesn’t record the time in game like it has in previous games, but it records it through the Ubisoft site, and mine didn’t sync up I guess. I’m assuming it has a similar game time at Black Flag, so maybe around 60-70 hours? It’s hard to tell because I’ve been playing it off and on for like 2-ish years with loooong breaks in between.

11 - Assassin’s Creed - Fuck this game and its monotonous game play. Fuck its collectibles and not being able to ride horses ANYWHERE. Couldn’t ride my horse in the open fuckin fields or I’d get chased by guards. God dammit I hate this game so much. I hated it so much, I had to take a year break halfway through the game. I hated it that much. Altair is the blandest character in this series and yet they don’t let go of him until Revelations. Even then, there’s still some stuff about him in later games. Altair was a boring character and I didn’t want to hear about him after this game. Overall game time: I don’t fucking know because I can’t find where it would be listed but this game sucks anyway so fuck it. Who cares?

10 - Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey - (This is gonna be long, sorry not sorry.) I played as Kassandra! This game is just a complete monster all on it’s own. I actually made a bullet point list about the things to mention here and I haven’t done that for any of the other games. Major talking points about this game. It’s just too big. The map is too big; there are too many weird, small locations to visit; there are too many tiny fetch quests, too many kill quests. I miss when there was a map with like, maybe 20-40 extra places to visit and some side quests. Most of this game is filler, if you’re trying to 100%. And because the world is just so large, the fast travel points don’t actually help. I could have a quest point that is a minimum of 500m from any kind of fast travel point. That’s not really any help. Along with the large map, some exploratory areas are just too big. The forts are a regularly occurring type of location in the game. These tend to be huge with something like 20-40 bad guys in them. Every time I happened to come upon these, I would groan, save, and then slug through it. Of course, when you have that many baddies, you think it should be easy. But no, it’s just another tedious task because instant assassination is no more! If you happen to do enough damage or the baddie is a low enough level, you can instant assassinate. But if they’re an elite or brute, you’re out of luck. Another major downer for people is the general rpg-like feel of this game. Origins, I think anyway, handled the rpg element much better than Odyssey. Origins gave you an established character, Bayek, and you did not get to change his character in any way. You play as Bayek. Odyssey, however, gives you dialogue and moral choices. They try to give you a half established character and then you take over from there. So you can either try to make decisions you think would align with Kassandra/Alexios, or you can make decisions on your usual play through of an rpg. This was definitely a bad way to handle this game. I think it would’ve been much better if they had given us little to no dialogue/moral choices. Like, for example, for one of the Tales from Greece DLC quests, you help find Barnabas’ daughter. You try to convince her to leave her mother’s farm to join you on your ship with Barnabas. She declines, which is reasonable as she wants to care for her family farm. Weeelllll, with out any kind of input from me, Kassandra burns down the farm and tries to play it off as helping the daughter in the end. I was horrified that the game just did that for me without at least giving me the choice. And these aren’t the only kind of choices that suck. The romance options! They are all basically one time flings that you seduce with a few flirty sentences (what is this, the Sims?) and then they most likely will join your ship. Now it was amusing at first to bang anyone who would let me, but then it got a bit frustrating. Why couldn’t I have a solid relationship? I just wanted to pick someone and date them the whole time and have cute scenes together. Why are they so many women romance options and little men options? I mean, I am a straight woman, but I will romance who I want in games because fuck it, am I right? And the one male romance option I did genuinely enjoy was a bit of a let down, cause it was between two brothers. See, I helped two brothers and I noticed a could romance them both. Now, dummy me I guess, romanced them both and then hoped maybe a little menage a trois would happen. Nooooooo, I couldn’t have both at once, and because I had slept with both of them before at separate times, I couldn’t even get to choose one later! Let me have the threesome cowards. You put statues with dicks everywhere and let me sleep with almost anyone. Give me the threesome. Also, about romancing anyone, did you know you can romance the leader of the big bad at the end of the game?? I sure didn’t until I got to that point. I did it for the shits and giggles but really what reasoning is there behind it? She’s someone who you previously trusted and was previously betrayed by. You never show ANY romantic interest in her before the very end of the game. Like it doesn’t make any sense for them to smooch. Talking about the cult, why are they sooo boring? Except for the few that are integral to the main story line, all the side cult member are boring looking and don’t have interesting reasons for being in the cult. The Order members from Origins were 100x more interesting. They had reasons for being part of The Order. They had interesting character designs. I just wish the cult members had been more like the members in Origins. Uh let’s see more points to hate on the game. I have no idea if this was a problem for other people, but fairly often, characters dialogue would overlap. It didn’t bother me much, as around 100 hrs I started skimming and skipping dialogue. I know this was definitely a problem for others: my game kept freezing and crashing. Comparing my last save time and my time on the Uplay site, I lost about 2 hrs and 20-ish minutes from freezing and crashing. The armor is this game is either subpar or down right ugly. I liked the armor upgrade system in Origins because the armor naturally fit with Bayek and his setting. Where as Kassandra could be running around in Athens wearing Spartan armor because the was made me the most powerful at the time. Now, I realized super late into the game that you could basically change the outlook of your armor to look like any piece you had looted to that point. But, like, why even have the ugly armor to begin with? Ships are a thing. Almost like Black Flag ships, but not quite as good. I’m not sure why they didn’t just recycle the ship system from Black Flag, but they didn’t. The ships feel so much slower and clunkier, and the upgrades start feeling like they do nothing when you get into the higher ones. And in certain parts of the sea, it’s crawling with pirates that aggro you almost immediately. I just wanted to get to that island that was like 1000m away, but I guess I have to battle some pirate ships now. And to finish off for the main game: Layla sucks major ass and I hate her as the modern day protagonist. So, my parents happened to have bought the seasons pass version of Odyssey when they got it for me for Christmas, so that means I got the play some AC DLC for the first time ever! Wooooooo.... yeah I wish this wasn’t the first game I played the DLC for. I’m gonna talk about the Fate of Atlantis DLC first. I didn’t really enjoy this DLC. It starts off with a disturbing scene of Alexios/Kassandra/Deimos torturing a man for information. It made me uncomfortable. I can handle most stuff that make people squeamish, but this one got me, boys. Elysium, which is basically heaven, is very pretty realm and pleases my aesthetic. But, the Isu guards there drain my adrenaline and I am a very heavy user the the adrenaline. About the prettiness of Elysium, Odyssey can be very beautiful. I never did take pictures in Origins, but I did once for funsies in Odyssey, and then I just kept taking more when I thought the scenery was pretty enough. I am pretty proud of some of the photos I took. It’s not much, but one of my pictures got 27 likes! Now back to the Isu! I absolutely adore that fact that all the Isu are taller than Kassandra. Most often, Kassndra is taller than everyone, excepting elites and brutes. But all the Isu were taller than Kassandra and that made me want to fuck them. Ubisoft, stop being cowards and let me fuck the gods, especially Hades because he gives me big MCU Loki vibes and I wanted that, so bad. To get away from fucking Isu gods, Ros, a dog later to be revealed as Cerberus, is Persephone’s dog that wanders around Elysium and I was always delighted to find him hanging out somewhere. I’m pretty sure I even took  a “selfie” with him, as much as you can take a selfie in this game. Persephone gave me a real hard moral choice that I did not enjoy making. She made me choose between my grandfather, or a spy I previously helped infiltrate her own army. I did not like making any choice at all. If I could have, I would’ve just booked it and never looked back. I don’t really have much to say about the Underworld. It’s hell. I wanted to fuck Hades bad. That’s about it. I don’t have much to say about Atlantis either exCEPT HOLY SHIT THE FINAL BOSS IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE I WAS FREAKING OUT THE WHOLE TIME HOLY SHIT. Ahem- anyway the boss was scary and I was having a mental crisis trying to beat it without actually dying in real life from fright. Fate of Atlantis DLC done, woohoo! I don’t have much thought for The Hidden Blade DLC. It was short and sweet. I didn’t mind getting locked into a straight romance and having a child. I’m a straight woman and if a game gives me the choice to marry, have a child, and still be an adventurer, I’m gonna do it. Finished basically all of it in a day and that finished off the whole game. Boy was it a relief to finally beat everything. Overall game time: 133 hours and 45 minutes to beat the main game with one part of The Hidden Blade DLC done, and 167 hours and 55 minutes to beat the DLC, excluding the one part from The Hidden Blade DLC. Now if you count all the time I lost from crashing, it’s 170 hours and 16 minutes.

9 - Assassin’s Creed: Revelations - By this point, I’ve played three of the games in a row and I was very tired of playing Ezio. It doesn’t help that this game is basically II and Brotherhood but with smaller features added. Also, the colors you could dye your clothes SUCKED. Overall game time: 22 hours and 25 minutes. It felt longer than that and I was surprised to see this was the shortest time so far. Thank god though because I did not like this game.

8

7 - Assassin’s Creed III - Writing this as the credits role. So, heads up, I’ve played this game before so I knew some things that were going to happen, but I forgot most of the game. I’ve read that a lot of people hate this game and I can see why, especially if it’s the first game you play of this series. The game changes quite a bit from the previous games. It has a new free run system, the running is a little more fluid, new weapons, new side missions, etc. I’m giving III a huge bonus for changing the old system in the hopes of something better... it’s not completely better, but better none the less. The downside to all these new things is that they are buggy as hell. The running can be amusing sometimes, but it is a horrible experience if you need to catch someone or stay within a certain distance. The side missions are also super buggy. Many times the icons do not appear on the map (and they tend to be in the areas that the viewpoints do not open up) and just seem not to work entirely right. Currently for one of the delivery requests, I have all the items and I can find the guy I need to turn them into, but can not talk to him for whatever reason. (If you know how to fix this, please tell me because every method I’ve tried hasn’t worked). This may be fixed after the credits, but I think I’m going to have to live with 99% synch and move on to Rogue. To bring up the viewpoint thing again, the viewpoints do not cover the whole map and you manually have to clear up parts of the map, which sucks. Thank god they didn’t do that again. Moving on from game play points, I’ve seen a lot of hate for Connor, which I personally don’t understand. I don’t love Connor, but I like his stoic character who showed moments of true kindness and sadness with friends and family. This review is getting to long now so I’ll just stop here and add more once I complete the game as much as I can. Also, fuck any of the naval stuff. Complete bullshit. Overall game time: First time (2013?) 41 hours and 55 minutes. Second time (2017) 38 hours and 33 minutes.

6 - Assassin’s Creed: Rogue - Well. It took me forever to finish this game, mostly because you can only play so much of the same game. So this game was nice. All of it’s little connections to III, IV and Unity is fun to see and connect the dots. Seeing Shay ultimately shaping what Unity will be was such a great thing to me. This game was such a breath of fresh air. I was sort of dreading having to do anything with ships since III is a disaster and IV had its mistakes, but I was pleasantly surprised. Except for a few ship related missions, you can almost completely avoid sailing. Of course I didn’t because I need to 100% this game. Still pissed I technically didn’t 100% III because of a god damn glitch. Naval related stuff overall was much easier than previous games, including the legendary battles. I took out the first three legendary ships in one try and took down the fourth one on my second try. I had actually planned to use a whole day to beat the legendary ships but I very happy I didn’t have to do that. The game itself is very short, with only six sequences that hold anywhere between two to five memories. That’s the shortest a game has ever been in this series. But they pad the game with millions of locations to explore and millions of collectibles to get. Even though over half of my time spent playing this game was getting collectibles, it was fun. One thing I really enjoyed was Shay’s outfits. This is the first game where I like almost all of the main character’s outfit options. I particularly enjoyed the arctic explorer outfit. I also really liked the Templar outfit you got after defeating the epic legendary ship. This was a good game and in the future, I could consider playing it again, along with II. Overall game time: 31 hours and 55 minutes.

5 - Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood - It wasn’t a super bad game, but it was basically II with some new things and now you’re only stuck in one place. Also guild challenges. Fuck those guild challenges. ALSO. There’s that mission where you get the apple and can lay waste to the guards in your way, but it uses your health to harm them... and the optional objective is don’t lose any health. Fuck you Ubisoft. Or the mission where you destroy Leonardo’s war machines. Those sucked. The only good thing about this game is the colors you can dye your clothes. Those. Those are good. Overall game time: 35 hours and 3 minutes.

4 - Assassin’s Creed: Origins - Took me about a month and a half to complete this game. It’s very different from the previous game titles and I can definitely see why some people wouldn’t like it. I went into it knowing it would be different and I genuinely enjoyed the game. Just as a heads up, I’ve only got 97% synchronization and I’m not totally sure what will get me to 100%. There’s no definitive list of what to do to 100% the game. I’ve read from some people that you need to do all the hippodrome races and arena fights, and I’ve read from others that you don’t. I’m not going to do the races because they’re garbage and not fun. I’ve finished one of the arena’s fights and I just don’t really want to do the other so I think I’m fine sitting at 97%. Now, this game is very different from previous games. Origins is more like an rpg, but not really. There is like, a bunch more exploration areas. Maybe somewhere between 150-300? I’m bad at estimating but it is a lot. There are side quests too. There wasn’t many side quests in previous games, but including the main quests with the side quests, I did a total of 129 quests. There is a lot of gameplay and exploration. Not much of a challenge, though. If you don’t select the auto-level enemies to your level, you reach a point where you’re about 5-10 levels above the area you’re in because all the landmarks and side quests give you xp. At that point, many enemies are 1-3 shots depending on your weapon loadout. There are a couple of locations early in the game that for some reason have higher level enemies than the area calls for. For example, in Alexandria, you should be around level 12-16. Enemies will be around that same level range. Except, there is one location in the middle of Alexandria that has about 5-6 enemies that are above level 20. Now, it’s easy enough to just come back later when you are also that level, but when I was exploring the area, I had no idea they’d be that level and immediately got killed because my weapons did nothing to them. So that wasn’t fun. The game has couple more “challenging” locations if you do them at the right level. Similar to Black Flag and Rogue, Origins has some legendary battles. This time it’s elephants. The are four different elephants, and one them is actually two, like the ship battles from Black Flag and Rogue. The first couple were a bit of a challenge for me because I wasn’t the cap level and I didn’t have a strategy figured out yet. I saved the double elephants for last because I thought they’d be super hard like the double ship battle from Black Flag. However, before I fought them, I reached the level cap, upgraded my best legendary weapons, had a strategy, and also got multiple level points in skills that would boost my bow and arrow and sword damage. The double elephants actually ended up being the easiest at that point. One thing, though, was around 40-ish hours in, my game randomly lost about 7-8 hours of progress. I lost about 3 large map areas of exploration, 6 levels and 10-20 quests. It made me pretty angry and it took me a few extra days to get back to where I was before lost the progress. Aaannyyywaaayy, enough about that. Bayek is a nice character to play as. He is a serious, dedicated, loving man who can have moments of humor. I loved his relationship with his wife Aya, and I was sad to see them mutually decide to break up at the end of the game. They clearly still cared for each other even after deciding that their paths were not going the same way. Sometimes I would have a very similar mind set as Bayek and it would be pretty funny when I would make a comment and then a couple moments later he’d say something along the same line. And, of course, it was interesting to see the origin stories of The Creed of the Assassin’s. I don’t know if I’ll ever actually play this game again but I enjoyed my experience with it. Overall game time: 82 hours and 22 minutes counting the extra time that I had to make up for lost progress and 75 hours not counting the hours I got from making up the lost progress.

3 - Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate - So it’s been about five months since I finished Unity, and I actually beat this game like maybe a week before updating this. I think it’s because the game didn’t have any credits for me? I don’t know why I didn’t have credits, but I just didn’t. Anyway, wow, what a breath of fresh air, after the nightmare that was Unity. This game takes some elements I wasn’t too fond of in the previous game and improves them greatly. The fighting style of wailing on enemies until you get upgrades to one shot is easier to handle. It also looks way more fun. Evie and Jacob just move so fast when they’re throwing punches and shooting people, it doesn’t feel like I’m taking all that long to kill the baddies. The associate quests were fun and simple, they didn’t require much thought or effort. The main game was also on the simpler side compared to previous installments of this game series. Jacob and Evie were fun characters, I never really got tired of them. The main sequence memories were mostly on the short side, so the game felt like it passed in no time. The only long part was getting all the collectibles, which is unavoidable to 100% the game. All the upgrades and weapon choices were fun to choose from, and it was always cool to get a new weapon that drastically did more damage. Having a gang that slowly got better as I upgraded them, and that would back me up in fights was also super fun. There really isn’t anything that should change from this game. If I changed something, it’d probably be the romance between Evie and Henry Green, also named Jayadeep Mir. It felt kind of forced, and really, romances are always boring in Assassin’s Creed. Anyway, fun game, might play again one day. Overall game time: 37 hours and 37 minutes.

2 - Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag - It’s been a couple years since I’ve played this game, so it’s very possible this will bounce around in my list as I play the later games, but I remember enjoying a good part of the game. It was nice to have some variety, especially in the form of PIRATES. Some of my favorite parts were sailing to no where specific and singing shanties with my crew in my suped-up ship. Which brings me to the bad parts of the game; the ship missions. Honestly hated any story/side mission that involved my ship, especially if I had to be sneaky. I’m in a giant ass ship trying to remain in this circle filled with other giant ass ships looking for me. So yeah, fuck that part of the game. But even though it’s been awhile, I remember enjoying this game. Overall game time: 66 hours and 50 minutes.

1 - Assassin’s Creed II - Thank the gods for this game. This is a good goddamn game. Ezio is a fresh breath of air after Altair and being in Italy is honestly great. Upgrading the villa he lives in is great. Leonardo is great. Venice and it’s carnival is great. Only thing that sucked was the Ezio didn’t kill the goddamn Spaniard and then has to chase after him and his offspring in the next game. All in all, my favorite game so far. Overall game time: 28 hours and 37 minutes.

So the game(s) I need to play:

Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla

My First Fox Hunt

Being invited to a formal fox hunt at a local hunt club was quite the honor for me.  I had been offered an invitation from Arlene, a long time Master of the Waterloo Hunt Club.  She was organizing a horse show I had attended at Waterloo and after chatting her up, I was floored that she invited me to be a guest at a fox hunt with her club.  I must have made an impression!  For years I had heard the stories my mother told of her hunt experiences in England.  I was always too young to join her at the time but I remember dreaming of riding through the fields and forest with others who kept the same pace.  For too long I would be duped into going along with another rider who claimed they wanted to trail ride only to return home with a scowl on my face and a sore ass from the trail ‘WALK’ that ensued.  I longed to ride with a pack of possible card carrying insane horsemen who would scoff at the mere thought of walking around on your horse for 3 hours.  No sir, I wanted to sail through the fields, jump natural water obstacles, hedges, walls and whatever the Field Master threw at me.  This was my expectation and I was not disappointed.  What I didn’t expect was how much I would enjoy the formality of it, the camaraderie and the thrill of the hunt itself.

I arrived early and I must have been excited because I was the first one there.  It was so nice to think that I might not have to rush today as I am habitually late for everything.  I could hear the hounds calling in the distance.  Their cries sounded sort of painful but I’m certain no one was beating them.  I can only image they felt the excitement as I did.  Arlene arrived and greeted me as if we were old friends.  I gave her my waiver and Capping fee and she let me know that I could ride in her group.  There were three groups foxhunting today.  The main group is comprised of the Master Huntsman, Field Master, Staff and the Field.  We would ride just behind that group in case I didn’t feel like my horse and I could keep up.  I guess we were considered the Middle Group.  There was another group organized for the Hill Toppers.  Hill Toppers are fox hunters taking an alternate route (usually on top a hill) to watch from a distance and follow along with the field but not ride in the thick of things.  This group usually covers less ground and is comprised of green riders, riders with green horses or simply less experienced fox hunters. In other words, people who like to trail ‘Walk’.  The Middle Group was right up my alley and Arlene said we’d most likely be right behind the “Big Guys” but could hang back if we wanted to.  As it turned out, this proved to be especially helpful as she could explain the terms that are used and etiquette whilst we were on the hunt.  All I could think was, “This is so frickin’ cool!”.

I unloaded my mount for the day.  Bugsy was a 16.0hh plain bay TB with the sweetest Doe eyes. He was a retired race horse whom my mother adopted from a rescue.  I had been conditioning him for the upcoming Eventing season and knew he was ready for this.  I gave him a nice groom and tacked him up.  As I was fastening the girth a whole brigade of people showed up with their red coats and their horses at the ready.  I looked at Bugsy’s eyes bugging out and whispered, “The red coats are coming, the red coats are coming, ha ha ha!” I couldn’t help myself.  It was then I realized I had better hurry up as I wasn’t even dressed yet.  As I buttoned my freshly dry cleaned hunt coat I started getting a bit giddy.  There’s something about wearing my formal attire that makes me feel so smart.  I pulled on my shinny black boots, put on my brain bucket, mounted up and warmed up my trusty steed.  At the Meet, Arlene introduced me to her friend Sally and informed me that the three of us would be in the Middle Group.  Fantastic!  I was then offered a glass of warm Sherry by a very dapper huntsman to start off the hunt.  FanFrickenTastic!  I’m liking this more and more every minute.

I was informed that we had 12 couple hounds. Hounds are counted in pairs (or couples) so after a little basic math I figure out its 24 hounds. The hounds were so excited and were crying at a deafening decibel.  Bugsy felt like a ticking time bomb and I’m expecting him to implode at any minute.  I kept talking, actually singing to him, “Don’t worry, about a thing.  Cause every little thing…is gonna be alright.”  I’m noticing that the majority of the Master Huntsmen may have voted during the Truman era.  I had a fleeting thought that this might not be as thrilling as I had hoped.  You would have had that thought too if you had seen a man who was so old he could fart dust, approach his horse with a cane.  Then said old man takes a considerable long time to mount a considerably patient horse.  I say fleeting thought because no sooner was his right stirrup on, that old man took off and left me in his fart dust.  I want to be that guy when I’m 130 years old.  A horn was sounded and away we went!   

Our group was right on the heels of the main group for the first 45 minutes.  We trotted through dense woods with narrow winding paths, hand galloped through field after field and jumped over obstacles single file.  There were jumps peppered all over the place with options around if you didn’t want to do it.       Arlene need only ask me once if I wanted to jump.  I was taking everything she did knowing that she knew the footing like the back of her hand. There were walls and gates and logs, OH MY!  It looked a bit like a steeple chase only not flat out.  Even though I knew Bugsy had super brakes, you never know if a misstep or spook will send you flying without your horse.  To be right on the cusp of losing control is something you can only get while galloping.  We got a breather or two when we had to cross the most scenic country roads.  It was like a postcard at times.  The air was damp but the sun was bright and warm.    The trees were naked and shined with the morning frost.  It was about 25 degrees and there was still snow in some places.  I don’t think you could have slapped the smile from my face.  Bugsy seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself too.  His ears were forward but twitching back and forth as if he was detailing his every step.  His stride was lofty, his back loose and he was as bold as a Spartan. 

Just as I was getting a stitch in my side, Arlene came to a walk to let the main group gain some ground.  She told me they would be casting the hounds soon since they hadn’t found a line yet and when we catch up to the hunt, we can’t talk.  I must have given her a look of mass confusion because she became very serious and proceeded to give me the 401 on foxhunting. Never pass the Field Master which I knew already.  My mom’s friend was asked to leave a hunt when she and her horse flew past the Field Master not once, but twice.  Talk about embarrassing.  A Line is the scent of a fox. To Cast is when the Huntsman take charge of the pack and help the hounds to find a line.  To be Away is when a fox is in the open and/or when the hounds are on a line.  When someone shouts, “WARE” it means caution.  WARE hound, WARE hole, WARE wire, etc.  If you hear “Hold Hard” you better stop whatever it is you’re doing.  A View is when a fox is spotted.  A Blank means failure to find a fox.  I hoped there wasn’t going to be a quiz later. 

We came down a hill to find everyone at a halt.  I believe they call that a Check.  The area was thick with trees and brush and most of the huntsmen were in a single file line winding through the area.  The air was thick with anxiety yet the horses were so well behaved. I didn’t know if this was an intentional rest stop or if the hounds were on to something.  The hounds were sniffing around in all directions and were remarkably quiet.  Was I going to see a fox?  I suddenly had a knot in my stomach with the idea of what would happen if the hounds did find a fox.  Up to this point I hadn’t put much thought into that.  Was this a drag hunt? A drag hunt is one where an artificial scent is laid and followed by the hounds. Or was this an old fashioned fox hunt that has been outlawed in Britain?  Why did I not ask that question before?   Am I going to witness pure carnage here?  I was torn with both giddy excitement for the ride I’ve had so far and sick with potential heartbreak for what I might participate in.  It’s like having a hippy as an action hero for the next Terminator movie.  Moo-Moo’s and Bazooka’s just don’t make sense and neither did my feelings at the time.  Before I could dwell on it any longer, everyone took off again. 

A chase was on.  The hounds were in full cry with the main group right behind them.  Our group of three were right in the mix of it all.  Since I didn’t know who was who I just decided to always stay behind a red coat.  As we cantered to the top of a hill I could look east and west to see the beauty of the countryside.  In the far distance was a group of riders coming through the valley.  It was the Hill Toppers and in the greatest of places to pick up the pace, they were walking.  "Man, am I glad I’m not a pussy" was the first thought that came to mind.  Coming through another wooded area I was hoping for a break.  We were almost 2 hours into the hunt and I was getting a little winded.  Bugsy was still holding strong and his previous jitters were gone.  He was in it for the long haul.  There was a stream to cross and a nice stone wall to take out of the woods.  Bugsy hesitated a bit at the stream so I decided to opt out of the jump that came shortly after.  He was being such a good boy and I didn’t want to push it.  Bugsy did a lovely Passage through the water and I wished I could get that movement out of him in the dressage ring.  Just then the old man with the cane sails by us in a perfect canter through the stream, takes two strides and jumps with the form of a true huntsman.  You’ve seen it in every hunt scene where the one jumping looks like he’s in a Lazy Boy.  My jaw dropped.  He wasn’t bouncing, he wasn’t left behind, he was simply in perfect harmony with his horse.  Who’s the pussy now?

During another check, the anxiety started to trickle back.  I hadn’t had a chance to ask if this was a drag or real foxhunt.  While the hounds were sniffing around, a couple of them started yelping in one area of the woods.  There were three or four hounds looking up in the trees and making a lot of noise.  You would have thought all of the hounds would have joined in but they weren’t.  These naughty hounds chased a raccoon up a tree and the other hounds knew better.  Arlene whispered that those hounds are going to be in trouble for that.  I wondered how do you train the hounds?  I’m sure there are older hounds that will guide the younger ones, but how do you reinforce good behavior and reprimand bad while on a horse?   I had so many questions but every time we had a breather, I wasn’t aloud to talk or I was too damn winded to get a word out.  Apparently we drew a blank and we were off again.  Thank you invisible dude in the sky!

We were 2 ½ hours into the hunt and things would be drawing to a close here soon.  The hunt usually goes for about 3 hours.  The three of us ladies were winding through the woods at a lovely trot about a minute behind the main group.  The hounds started crying and the pace picked up again.  We were now cantering through the woods, twisting and navigating hair pin turns.  We came to a sharp turn with a tree that had my name on it.  I remember thinking for a split second, “It might bend.” It was a 4 inch thick Maple on the edge of the trail right before a hard right turn.  There was another thought of pulling off a Jackie Chan and try to hang from the left side of my saddle.  Thoughts are so funny.  The reality was my right knee smacked into the tree, missing the horse entirely, at about 20 mph.  The shrilling yell I let out was heard by everyone in the main group, the hounds and the Hill Toppers behind us.  I didn’t come off my horse, I just went limp with pain.  My sweet Bugsy came to a stop without my help and let me catch my breath between tears.  I was dizzy and dry heaving a little.  Arlene had the look of a worried mom.  She got off to hold my horse while my knee pumped pain with every pulse of my heart.  I couldn’t continue with the pace.  I could only manage a walk with my right leg hanging.  I certainly wasn’t going to walk on foot.  Sally offered to ride back to the clubhouse with me so Arlene could continue.  Sally’s horse was an older mare and she was about done anyway.  We happened to be at a perfect fork in the trail where there was a shortcut home.  And so my hunt was over.

We were walking down a dirt road with a huge tree canopy when a soccer mom slowly drove by.  Two children had their faces pressed against the tinted minivan window with a look of awe.  I managed a smiled and waved at them and their faces broke into gigantic smiles.  That scene might forever be a fond childhood memory of theirs so I didn’t want to let on to how much pain I was in.  We arrived at the clubhouse within 10 minutes.  Sally waved two people over and asked them to take me in while she took care of Bugsy.  As I dismounted, two men caught me before I crumbled to the ground and wisked me away to the clubhouse.  They propped my leg up, took off my boots, got me ice, some food, wine and vicodin.  Within minutes I was in happy land and sinking into the couch.  I called my parents and the conversation went something like this.

“Hey Mom, I hit a fucking tree.  I’m fine now…they hooked me up!  No, Bugsy didn’t hit it, yeah he’s fine.  It was awesome!  They’re so nice here.  They gave me wine and happy pills.  Yeah I have ice on it but I can’t walk.  So look…I don’t think I should be riding home, I mean driving.  Can you and dad come get me?  Well, someone needs to drive the rig home.  Are you high too?”

Everyone was so generous and I was too high to be embarrassed about it.  I just made jokes about the tree bending visual and Jackie Chan.  I even got a smile from the old man with the cane.  They’ve all had the same encounter with trees that should bend and don’t but they were very impressed that I didn’t come off.  Sometime later Arlene arrived to check on me.  She told me that when I hit the tree it was so hard she could hear the smack.  Plus the sound I made when I hit tree was the most painful sounding scream she had ever heard.  I looked at my knee and it was twice the normal size.  She suggested that I get it looked at on the way home.  I was going to have fun convincing the doctor that I wasn’t drunk or high when it happened.  Arlene told me that she hoped this wouldn’t discourage me from doing it again.  She thought Bugsy was a fine horse and she really liked my riding style.  I was welcome back anytime.  That was so nice to hear.  In my haze, I finally remembered to ask, “Was that a drag hunt?” “No, it’s a real hunt”, Arlene said.  “Oh man…do the hounds kill the fox?” I slurred.  “No, no, they are trained to only view, they don’t kill the fox”, Arlene assured me.  “Oh Goody, I feel so much better now.  I would totally do this again.” I mumbled before slipping into a nice nap.

My parents showed up and I awoke to the same two men, who helped me before, offering to help me again.  I kept saying, “You guys are soooooo nice” like the drunk girl being hauled off after last call.  I thought they were cute at the time but I had pill goggles on so I may have been way off.  I said my goodbyes and proceeded to make my dad laugh on the way to the hospital.  He especially liked the old man with the cane story. My mom told me later that Arlene and Sally had groomed Bugsy, wrapped his legs and put all of my tack in my trailer.  Can you believe that?  Are they just being nice so I don’t sue?  Nope, I waived that right before the hunt.  Not that I would even consider that, I was only trying to make sense of it all.  These were true horsemen and horsewomen who care about each other.  Wouldn't you if you found people you enjoy riding with?

My first foxhunting experience was the most fun I’d had on horseback, ever!  Even though I tried to take down a tree with my knee, (it wasn’t broken by the way…just badly bruised) I had the time of my life.  That was the first tree that tried to take me out and hopefully it was the last.  The old man with the cane was the first time I’ve been humbled so quickly.  It was a day of firsts that I will never forget and I will always have a good story for the grandkids…in 130 years.

How obstacle course speed demon Hunter McIntyre gets (and stays) as jacked as possible

Hunter McIntyre doesn’t give a damn about your research-backed macronutrient ratios, or your categorical aversion to carbohydrates. And he certainly doesn’t share your fear that an extra pint of lager is gonna blur your six-pack. He stands as a living monument to how the road less traveled can pay big dividends for the physique-minded. He is—and, to some extent, always has been—a nonconformist whose fitness and fueling philosophies have catapulted him into the top echelon of all endurance athletes alive today, all while keeping his V-taper on point and his body fat at a very Olympia-like 6%.

[RELATED1]

McIntyre’s secret?

“I wake up every day and beat the crap out of myself,” he says.

Mud on McIntyre

One of the world’s most accomplished and active endurance athletes, 28-year-old McIntyre is best known for his prowess on the Obstacle Course Racing circuit, thanks in part to NBC’s televised broadcasts of Spartan races that brought mud, sweat, and spears into living rooms everywhere. From Spartan to Tough Mudder and everything in-between, McIntyre has shown himself to be highly adept at running, jumping, swimming, crawling, climbing, throwing, diving, scaling, pulling, pushing, and carrying things. You know…all the stuff the human body was built to do.

[PQ]

Yet, he still ends up looking like a guy who snuck in to the course. The physique antithesis to wispy runners, McIntyre doesn’t fit the endurance mold—physically, that is—and he knows it. In fact, he loves it.

“Endurance sports encourage being more of a slightly built man," he says. "I stand 6’2”, 215-lbs in the off-season, and I’m 190 in-season. I’m constantly fighting a battle of what training will keep me looking, feeling, and performing like a man. I train to win and train to look good, and that takes balance.”

[RELATED8]

After winning a race a few years back, he coined a phrase that surely drove the gel-swilling, shin-splint-afflicted masses insane: “Biceps win races”.

“I had just won a big race against a guy I’d been chasing for years,” he says. “I won it on the hoist and pummeled it. It was my biceps that got that thing up. When I got across the finish line I flexed this big, front double biceps pose and thought, ‘My biceps won that race.’”

Vanity used to be a full-time pursuit for McIntyre, who spent time as a male model before growing dismayed at how shady the industry can be.

“I grew up reading these magazines,” he recalls. “I used to take these cutouts of Greg Plitt from the magazines and use them as inspiration. I used to contact all the cover models and say, ‘What do you do? How do you do what you do?’ No one wanted to share their story, and I said f--k it. I get how some people don’t want to associate themselves with a certain kind of magazine or whatever. But I obsess over it. In a way, it got me where I am today.”

Competition addict

You might never share the same race space as McIntyre, but if you ever spoke to him you would know what it’s like to struggle to keep pace with him. Without taking a breath, McIntyre can go from talking about this morning’s workout to the contents of his 700g carbohydrate breakfast to his “side job” of coaching lacrosse at Pepperdine. He is three scoops of pre-workout, personified.

Not a minute is wasted in McIntyre’s training day. Here’s how he manages to get it done.

“My natural clock wakes me up around 5 or 6 in the morning. I try to wake up, eat, and get my first workout going between 7 and 9, then I go at it again at 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I always get in two two-hour workouts a day. If I add a third, it’s just wherever it falls. But I think you need to wake up and get moving. Time is always against you. The more people who are awake, the more people there are standing between you and what you want to get done.”

[RELATED2]

On the weekends, McIntyre tackles SealFit’s Kokoro, an elective, 50-hour gantlet of physical and mental strain in which nearly half of its participants wash out or get injured or both. He sees workouts as things to be “smashed” or “pummeled” or “crushed,” and aims to do just that each time he hits the iron or unracks his road bike.

In the weeks that followed this interview, he was slated to tackle five grueling races in six weeks, including the Spartan World Championships. He's particularly excited about a new event on the calendar, Tough Mudder X, which is touted as the world’s toughest mile: “1 mile. 10 obstacles. 10 workouts. $25,000.”

[RELATED3]

“I am the reigning champion from 2017, so in 2018 I'll have a huge target on my back,” he says. “It brings together huge cash prizes and great athletes from American Ninja Warrior, Olympians, high-level OCR athletes—it’s not an easy day.”

But every action has an equal and opposite reaction. And for McIntyre, that means an off-season during which his 12-workout weeks and competition-heavy calendar give way to an intentionally indulgent lifestyle.

[RELATED4]

“I have a very exciting off-season of drinking, traveling, and having a ball,” he says, joyfully. “Then I get to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas, then it’s back to focusing. I’m not trying to encourage anyone to be hooligans or anything, but it’s important for hard-training athletes to go off and have vacations and drink beer and eat ice cream sundaes. I do it for a few weeks, then I look at myself and say ‘Hunter, you’re disgusting’ and I get right back to it. I need that slingshot effect where I go really far, then whip it back. I need to be ashamed of myself at times.”

Maybe there's something to the McIntyre Method: train with purpose, eat with pleasure, play like you mean it. Leave the weakness, gimmicks, and excuses where they belong.

In the mud.

Eat, run, play: McIntyre's unconventional approach to sports nutrition

On calories: "I’m not trying to give the world cavities and diabetes, but if you’re training hard you need to be crushing calories. You can’t eat a bunch of red meat when you train like this, so I would save it for the end of the day."

On carb shaming: "On any given day, I’m taking down half to a full loaf of bread, a lot of honey, a lot of jam. I probably drink 50oz of juice a day. There’s probably 500-700g of carbs there."

[RELATED5]

On dessert: "I’m eating ice cream and all that stuff, and I’m around 6-7% body fat. I have to eat this kind of food. Here’s the reality: The world’s best marathoners are eating Twinkies. I was eating asparagus and sweet potato. So I changed it up and haven’t looked back."

On fats: "Fat's gotta be in your diet, too. I don’t do a bodybuilding diet. I’m high in everything. I take down about a jar of peanut butter a day. I try to eat coconut oil—I spread it on my toast. I eat a lot of ghee."

His secret weapon: "Goat’s milk. I’ll drink a liter of raw goat’s milk with dark chocolate and honey. Raw goat’s milk, if you’re trying to gain weight, that’s the ticket. It’s smoother than any milk you’ve ever tried. It’s delicious. It’s almost sweeter than regular milk, it’s just a different smell than regular milk. Before bed, I’ll take down a whole liter. I’ll look lean and mean the next morning, too."

[RELATED6]

Bottom line: "I’ll eat this way, I’ll look great, and I’m bending barbells. If you’re heavy-hitting, hard-working, and wanna make big gains, then this is for you. If the fire’s hot enough, it’ll burn anything."

McIntyre's sample upper-body workout

McIntyre uses a combined strength and conditioning approach on his upper-body weight-training days. All workouts should be “smashed,” taking an hour or less.

1. Front-Carry Sandbag Sprints Sets: 5 Reps: McIntyre will vary the length of his sprints but always goes for max speed. Rest: As long as necessary to ensure maximum recovery.

2A. Bench Press Sets: 3 Reps: 8 -superset with- 2B. Chinup Sets: 3 Reps: 8 McIntyre works up to max weight on each successive set, aiming to reach failure on the eighth rep.

3A. Double Kettlebell Clean Sets: 5 Reps: 10 - superset with - 3B. Double Kettlebell Row Sets: 5 Reps: 10 *** McIntyre uses the same weight for both exercises.

4A. Dumbbell Pullover Sets: 4 Reps: 15 -superset with- 4B. Dip Sets: 4 Reps: 15

5A. TRX Atomic Pushup Sets: 4 Reps:15 -superset with- 5B. Abs Roller Sets: 4 Reps:15 **** McIntyre incorporates isometric holds as desired on his abs roller sets.

[RELATED7]

Interviews

from Men's Fitness https://www.mensfitness.com/life/outdoor/how-obstacle-course-speed-demon-hunter-mcintyre-gets-and-stays-jacked-possible

How obstacle course speed demon Hunter McIntyre gets (and stays) as jacked as possible

Hunter McIntyre doesn’t give a damn about your research-backed macronutrient ratios, or your categorical aversion to carbohydrates. And he certainly doesn’t share your fear that an extra pint of lager is gonna blur your six-pack. He stands as a living monument to how the road less traveled can pay big dividends for the physique-minded. He is—and, to some extent, always has been—a nonconformist whose fitness and fueling philosophies have catapulted him into the top echelon of all endurance athletes alive today, all while keeping his V-taper on point and his body fat at a very Olympia-like 6%.

[RELATED1]

McIntyre’s secret?

“I wake up every day and beat the crap out of myself,” he says.

Mud on McIntyre

One of the world’s most accomplished and active endurance athletes, 28-year-old McIntyre is best known for his prowess on the Obstacle Course Racing circuit, thanks in part to NBC’s televised broadcasts of Spartan races that brought mud, sweat, and spears into living rooms everywhere. From Spartan to Tough Mudder and everything in-between, McIntyre has shown himself to be highly adept at running, jumping, swimming, crawling, climbing, throwing, diving, scaling, pulling, pushing, and carrying things. You know…all the stuff the human body was built to do.

[PQ]

Yet, he still ends up looking like a guy who snuck in to the course. The physique antithesis to wispy runners, McIntyre doesn’t fit the endurance mold—physically, that is—and he knows it. In fact, he loves it.

“Endurance sports encourage being more of a slightly built man," he says. "I stand 6’2”, 215-lbs in the off-season, and I’m 190 in-season. I’m constantly fighting a battle of what training will keep me looking, feeling, and performing like a man. I train to win and train to look good, and that takes balance.”

[RELATED8]

After winning a race a few years back, he coined a phrase that surely drove the gel-swilling, shin-splint-afflicted masses insane: “Biceps win races”.

“I had just won a big race against a guy I’d been chasing for years,” he says. “I won it on the hoist and pummeled it. It was my biceps that got that thing up. When I got across the finish line I flexed this big, front double biceps pose and thought, ‘My biceps won that race.’”

Vanity used to be a full-time pursuit for McIntyre, who spent time as a male model before growing dismayed at how shady the industry can be.

“I grew up reading these magazines,” he recalls. “I used to take these cutouts of Greg Plitt from the magazines and use them as inspiration. I used to contact all the cover models and say, ‘What do you do? How do you do what you do?’ No one wanted to share their story, and I said f--k it. I get how some people don’t want to associate themselves with a certain kind of magazine or whatever. But I obsess over it. In a way, it got me where I am today.”

Competition addict

You might never share the same race space as McIntyre, but if you ever spoke to him you would know what it’s like to struggle to keep pace with him. Without taking a breath, McIntyre can go from talking about this morning’s workout to the contents of his 700g carbohydrate breakfast to his “side job” of coaching lacrosse at Pepperdine. He is three scoops of pre-workout, personified.

Not a minute is wasted in McIntyre’s training day. Here’s how he manages to get it done.

“My natural clock wakes me up around 5 or 6 in the morning. I try to wake up, eat, and get my first workout going between 7 and 9, then I go at it again at 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I always get in two two-hour workouts a day. If I add a third, it’s just wherever it falls. But I think you need to wake up and get moving. Time is always against you. The more people who are awake, the more people there are standing between you and what you want to get done.”

[RELATED2]

On the weekends, McIntyre tackles SealFit’s Kokoro, an elective, 50-hour gantlet of physical and mental strain in which nearly half of its participants wash out or get injured or both. He sees workouts as things to be “smashed” or “pummeled” or “crushed,” and aims to do just that each time he hits the iron or unracks his road bike.

In the weeks that followed this interview, he was slated to tackle five grueling races in six weeks, including the Spartan World Championships. He's particularly excited about a new event on the calendar, Tough Mudder X, which is touted as the world’s toughest mile: “1 mile. 10 obstacles. 10 workouts. $25,000.”

[RELATED3]

“I am the reigning champion from 2017, so in 2018 I'll have a huge target on my back,” he says. “It brings together huge cash prizes and great athletes from American Ninja Warrior, Olympians, high-level OCR athletes—it’s not an easy day.”

But every action has an equal and opposite reaction. And for McIntyre, that means an off-season during which his 12-workout weeks and competition-heavy calendar give way to an intentionally indulgent lifestyle.

[RELATED4]

“I have a very exciting off-season of drinking, traveling, and having a ball,” he says, joyfully. “Then I get to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas, then it’s back to focusing. I’m not trying to encourage anyone to be hooligans or anything, but it’s important for hard-training athletes to go off and have vacations and drink beer and eat ice cream sundaes. I do it for a few weeks, then I look at myself and say ‘Hunter, you’re disgusting’ and I get right back to it. I need that slingshot effect where I go really far, then whip it back. I need to be ashamed of myself at times.”

Maybe there's something to the McIntyre Method: train with purpose, eat with pleasure, play like you mean it. Leave the weakness, gimmicks, and excuses where they belong.

In the mud.

Eat, run, play: McIntyre's unconventional approach to sports nutrition

On calories: "I’m not trying to give the world cavities and diabetes, but if you’re training hard you need to be crushing calories. You can’t eat a bunch of red meat when you train like this, so I would save it for the end of the day."

On carb shaming: "On any given day, I’m taking down half to a full loaf of bread, a lot of honey, a lot of jam. I probably drink 50oz of juice a day. There’s probably 500-700g of carbs there."

[RELATED5]

On dessert: "I’m eating ice cream and all that stuff, and I’m around 6-7% body fat. I have to eat this kind of food. Here’s the reality: The world’s best marathoners are eating Twinkies. I was eating asparagus and sweet potato. So I changed it up and haven’t looked back."

On fats: "Fat's gotta be in your diet, too. I don’t do a bodybuilding diet. I’m high in everything. I take down about a jar of peanut butter a day. I try to eat coconut oil—I spread it on my toast. I eat a lot of ghee."

His secret weapon: "Goat’s milk. I’ll drink a liter of raw goat’s milk with dark chocolate and honey. Raw goat’s milk, if you’re trying to gain weight, that’s the ticket. It’s smoother than any milk you’ve ever tried. It’s delicious. It’s almost sweeter than regular milk, it’s just a different smell than regular milk. Before bed, I’ll take down a whole liter. I’ll look lean and mean the next morning, too."

[RELATED6]

Bottom line: "I’ll eat this way, I’ll look great, and I’m bending barbells. If you’re heavy-hitting, hard-working, and wanna make big gains, then this is for you. If the fire’s hot enough, it’ll burn anything."

McIntyre's sample upper-body workout

McIntyre uses a combined strength and conditioning approach on his upper-body weight-training days. All workouts should be “smashed,” taking an hour or less.

1. Front-Carry Sandbag Sprints Sets: 5 Reps: McIntyre will vary the length of his sprints but always goes for max speed. Rest: As long as necessary to ensure maximum recovery.

2A. Bench Press Sets: 3 Reps: 8 -superset with- 2B. Chinup Sets: 3 Reps: 8 McIntyre works up to max weight on each successive set, aiming to reach failure on the eighth rep.

3A. Double Kettlebell Clean Sets: 5 Reps: 10 - superset with - 3B. Double Kettlebell Row Sets: 5 Reps: 10 *** McIntyre uses the same weight for both exercises.

4A. Dumbbell Pullover Sets: 4 Reps: 15 -superset with- 4B. Dip Sets: 4 Reps: 15

5A. TRX Atomic Pushup Sets: 4 Reps:15 -superset with- 5B. Abs Roller Sets: 4 Reps:15 **** McIntyre incorporates isometric holds as desired on his abs roller sets.

[RELATED7]

Interviews

Article source here:Men’s Fitness