Crowley could always rely on his Big Scary Demon Eyes to threaten people

but there must have come a point in time as Crowley and Aziraphale grew closer together where the eyes didn't do it. Aziraphale just gazed back at him, so Crowley resorted to physical contact.

i imagine their next encounter after the Job minisode Crowley was like shit i'm going to have to do something more than that.

and so he starts grabbing Aziraphale's clothes and shoving him against walls and pulling him close to fluster intimidate him but it still doesn't work and Aziraphale just stares back at him like ｡⁠◕⁠‿⁠◕⁠｡ because he's smitten

and there came a point where Crowley realised he wasn't that bothered about intimidating the angel anymore - he was just using the situation as an opportunity to get closer.

an excuse to grab Aziraphale and hold him; eye to eye, noses touching, breathing in each other's air. they both knew that in different circumstances they could close that gap.

but no. Crowley plays his part as one of the bad guys thwarting his opponent. and on they go.

and then when he's sure he's going to lose him, he closes the gap between them as a final, desperate measure. to show Aziraphale, before it's too late, what exactly he's offering. What he's always been hinting at with every pull and shove.

but he's still one of the bad guys.

"I hope you told your brother how much you loved him, because you're probably never gonna see him again."

"..."

"Was that too dark?"

"YES!"

"Sorry."

i used to be good at art *punches a hole in the wall*

.

did Not realize how badly I’d spiraled and made myself feel like I’d ruined this class and just needed to accept I’d fail and wouldn’t graduate this semester until I went to the meeting I arranged to talk to the teacher abt if I had any chance of passing still and she like. outlined a different thing I should do for the final project which already feels more approachable n manageable And suggested I try to talk to the dean abt getting a medical extension. and like I left feeling actually hopeful. like Oh I can actually do this and she wants to help me do this.

it’s not just dream ppl r good and lovely 💚 /joke

where is the anon who likes my writing i need motivation to finish other kinktober stuff. also i did make edits/visuals for one of my fav fics for kinktober but i haven't gotten a reply from the author is okay with me sharing them... should i post them anyway (with credit ofc)?? i know on a03 theres a way to link works inspired by other works, should i just do that?? if i don't get a response should i not post them? this person is not really active on social media so idk exactly what to do............

where is shira why isn't she responding to me live texting writing an essay <//3

i dont understand i went through both the doctor tag and the emh tag and theres like barely any posts. i know hes not the biggest voyager fan favorite but i thought there'd be more??? reg has more posts in his tag then emh does!!! am i the only one alive who loves emh with my whole heart? im not complaining. more for me.

2023 Thoughts

I have a few personal resolutions this year that involve improving myself as a person, of course (making an attempt to get an ADHD diagnosis, get on T, therapy if possible, other misc), but my main goals for 2023 are centered around my relationship with my creativity. Namely:

1. Be creatively selfish: I posted very little new material in 2022 (and most of what I did post was old zine works) and tbh, it was...really nice. It felt good to not be beholden to my stats, and not as hung up on whether or not people liked my writing. It’s been a lot less lonely than I thought it would be, too? Focusing on developing relationships with people I want to know rather than people I “should” know has been such a joy (I’d shout everyone out but we’d be here all day).

In 2023, being creatively selfish looks like: 

deleting twitter from my phone so I don’t compare myself to others (I’ll still use it on desktop on occasion)

focusing on the writing I want to do (rather than what the trend is, or what’s popular at the time)

joining fewer events and focusing predominantly on Studio Void’s projects

being relentlessly curious about the specific areas I want to improve in (which include mastering different POVs, developing better plot, and tightening my prose) 

keeping more writing to myself/more of my process private, rather than sharing in places I know I won’t feel heard

knowing when a space just Isn’t The Vibe and not feeling bad about curating my spaces in a way that sparks joy (I’m tired! I don’t have the energy for fuckery!)

2. Draft The Ashen Earth: I’m itching to tell Kestra’s story and I’m so excited to finally sit down and draft a novel. I’ve been a writer ever since I was a small child and writing a novel has always been a goal of mine - now I have the skill and drive to achieve it. 

3. Submit to at least 5 original work publications: ...and don’t be too upset if I don’t get in. Rejection is a part of the submission cycle and doesn’t mean my writing is bad, it just means it wasn’t right for the publication at this time.

4. Break into the publishing industry: Be it the job I’m applying for today, as part of a lit mag team, or something else, one of my 2023 goals is to carve myself a space in an industry that is related to my passion (writing itself) but will hopefully not kill it.

not to be like. rude on main but warriors only get the first really survivable skill at 30………….

Mightve fucked smth up w my computer and now idk if I’ll be able to continue playing tgaa for a while

.

Have you seen the movie M*SH? I hope your answer is no. Don't ever subject yourself to it ♡

I wrote this shit fast, so pls excuse any typos I just needed to ramble and get this off my chest. And yes this meant complaining not only on IG but here too. This movie sucked! I almost posted this to my m*@*s*h blog but nooooo. I need you all to see how much I suffered through this film. Holy shit.

Chuck, how do you deal with people who are rude about you and your work? I write queer romance and I want to put my writing out there for people to read, but I'm a very sensitive person and I know it will be hard not to take insults personally and let them affect me. I don't want to let that stop me from expressing myself and sharing my art, but I'm scared!

very good question buckaroo. i am a good example of this as pretty much EVERYONE was rude about my work for many years calling it 'so bad its good' (it is just good) and 'terrible photoshop' (i think it has a great and instantly recognizable style) and 'intentionally stupid premises' (i dont think there is anything stupid about sex being fun and whimsical and playful). even these days the reaction of the VAST majority of buckaroos who discover chuck have this reaction AT FIRST, and then learn to appreciate the tingleverse in a more sincere way over time.

all that is to say BEING DOUBTED HAS WORKED OUT VERY WELL FOR ME. art that changes meaning over time can be very powerful, so if someones initial reaction to my trot is one thing and then it evolves into another thing, well that is just good art. while it can feel bad to get a bad review, i would say a bad review just means you have entered a realm of tension and change and discord and WE ARE TALKIN ABOUT ART BUD so that, in itself, is very exciting.

i think of what i do as 'punk writing', and a big part of that means pushing against preconceived sensibilities. not many other authors will proudly say 'there SHOULD be some spelling errors in my erotic shorts because i wrote it in a day and edited it once. that is the FEELING i want to create', but that is my way. by creating what is in my soul i KNOW i am going to bother some buckaroos and that is okay.

now i am NOT assuming you are also doing punk writing (that is okay of course we all have our own styles. what i am doing with tinglers is pretty rare), but it still stands to remember that there are 7.8 billion people on the planet of this dang timeline and some of them are bound to be bothered by your creations. that is not a problem, that is just part of baring your authentic self.

the other thing to remember is theres no REAL right or wrong in art. it can be analyzed in different ways and i tend to look at it in a way of comparing intention to result, but even THAT is not strictly correct. therefore any bad review of something you make is not actually BAD it is just someones information and feedback for you to take or leave. a one star review is just another opinion, it is no more right or wrong than your own opinion, and that is wonderful. it is freeing.

if i see a bad review of my own book, lets just say CAMP DAMASCUS for instance, i do not get upset because i know this: that reviewer is not wrong. camp damascus is five stars for me, but it is one star for someone else AND THAT IS OK. THAT IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. THAT IS GREAT ART. also MAYBE THEY KNOW BETTER THAN I DO. just because i wrote the book does not mean i am the authority on it, and the conversation and tension between those that enjoy something and those that despise it is a creative act. the audience engaging with your work is just your art emerging from its cocoon and saying 'here i am. lets see where i flutter off to now'

do not fear the river of this timeline sweeping away your creations and carrying them where it will. this is inevitable, but it is also beautiful and freeing. you cannot swim against it and that is okay bud, because YOU HAVE ALREADY WON. you have already created something and given a piece of yourself back to this timeline and that is a great honor and privilege. it is literally all there is

by creating ANYTHING you are proving love is real, and that is something to be proud of

I'm so overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed with the truth that i can't have any chance at healing while i live with my abuser

I'm overwhelmed thinking about if things went poorly in this country would having the government have me on a list of disabled people be something dangerous?

I'm overwhelmed thinking of the hundreds of dollars in care i spend and make, if I'm lucky, a fraction of that back in a week.

I'm overwhelmed that i felt so much better being away with good people for a weekend and then the minute i encountered a person at home my entire peace was shattered.

I'm overwhelmed that in adding back in more appointments to help with my pain my weekly workload is actually increasing my pain

I'm overwhelmed with so much that i can't even put it into words. and im dreading being around anyone. and i've been periodically at the verge of tears since getting home last night.

I'm so overwhelmed. and in so much pain mentally and physically i don't even know how to process it. i just want to cry.

genuinely – this weekend– my pain didn't go away. nothing of the sort. but it wasn't overwhelming. i was with friends. i was playing with a baby. a source of PURE joy. it was so good. so healing. so wonderful. and then i come home and everything is unimaginably worse than before i left.

you're at this level of feeling maxed out CONSTANTLY. i always feel at my limit, that i couldn't take any more. and then...there's more.

I'm overwhelmed seeing a picture of myself makes me want to starve myself again. any joy i felt now destroyed. any progress or positive feelings about myself absolutely destroyed. although even seeing a mirror at the wrong angle can do that. i think – hm maybe it's not so bad maybe I'm doing better! then i see myself and I'm worse than i realized.

i wonder how many other people with eating disorders end up having chronic illness that make exercise extremely difficult. even if i eat well i have no chance at staying in shape. and. that's if i completely restrict myself from enjoying "less healthy" foods. god help me because i want to eat anything other than what i absolutely need for survival. but then you feel guilt. and all i want to do is starve. or die. or both.

every time my mother buys a "treat" I'm convinced it's a form of sick control, that if i eat it I'll stay fat, never lose weight, and thus never have any freedom.

i have self-imposed restrictions that i don't do a large majority of the things i would "normally" do if i was skinny. the amount of effort and grief it takes for me to do the few activities and see the select numbers of friends i do see is completely overwhelming. but i know how much more pain it would be if i tried to live "freely." i already feel it when i see photos after good days. there are no good days for me. i try. but every good is overtaken by the bad. whether it's shame and self-hatred, or my body being overtired or pain flaring. i can't win. i'm constantly having to decide which type of pain can i handle? is the pain of staying at home more or less than the pain of going out? and i'm never really sure. and i know for a fact i'm currently overcommitted. it's too much.

but what do i do? stop my 1-2 day a week job? stop my acupuncture? stop my massages? (i JUST started them again, but the guilt of the cost might be too much for me to handle). stop my mandolin lessons? (that's the bright spot of my week. but the time to practice between lessons is extremely difficult.) stop seeing my friends? stop going for walks? shower less? do fewer chores? (our house has been turning into a pig sty without me cleaning).

and sure someone else usually does the dishes – which is a huge relief especially since it not only causes pain later, it causes excruciating pain while I'm doing it. and dad takes care of the lawn. but i mention to him that the way the garage door has been malfunctioning is frustrating and can we please fix it and he goes full asshole. how dare i ask him to fix another thing?? idk! we're using the garage door every day now since we can't park on the street overnight in the winter. it doesn't work well. but JUST because it still opens and closes he straight out refused to fix it. then said "why don't you fix it!" figuring out mechanical things is his specialty. but maybe he's scared of trying to fix it and making it worse. then needing to hire someone or buy a new unit. i can't wait for the day i need to get somewhere and the garage door won't open. i don't think i'm strong enough to open it manually also i don't actually know how.

idk. i'm so overwhelmed and everything seems insurmountable. i have no idea what to do. how to heal. how to find any peace.

and this doesn't even add the anguish of things happening in the world. that in and of it itself is overwhelming. i have no less than six separate "things" or "categories" of things that alone are overwhelming. yet I'm experiencing them all. how do i get any relief? especially when relief adds to my distress.

I've heard a couple people argue against radioapple because it's mainly just sexualizing the two. While that is true for most of it. That doesn't mean it has to be. Because listen:

What if, in the final battle, Lucifer is taking on an entire army of angels for the sake of his kingdom, his daughter, and his new friends. Alastor watches helplessly as Lucifer had ordered him to stand by, because even Alastor would surely be killed. He watches as Lucifer is cutting down angels, they're dropping like birds shot out of the sky. Even so, their numbers become overwhelming and difficult to manage. Alastor, realizing the danger Lucifer's in, for the first time, feels concern.

Lucifer finally starts taking damage, the angels swarming him. Alastor's feet move before his brain has time to process what he's doing. Inky, black tentacles launch him into the sky, back to back with Lucifer, he uses shadows as a shield to protect Lucifer from an angelic spear headed straight for his heart. Why is he protecting him?

Alastor, one of the most feared overlords, a serial killer and cannibal, narcissistic, psychopathic, heartless, evil... finally started caring about someone else more than himself. Respect, strength and fame means nothing in that moment. Just that the first person he's ever loved is safe.

What if Lucifer's light finally chases away Alastor's dark thoughts, tendencies, and insecurities? White light that burns away the shadows. Lucifer holding Alastor in his weakest moment. Reassuring him it's okay.

What if Lucifer is the one that takes Alastor down from his high horse and helps him through his inevitable breakdown? What if Lucifer helps him break his deal? Lucifer, fighting to save Alastor and telling him it's okay to not be at the top.

What if Alastor helps Lucifer out of his depression, teach him how to move on from what I'm suspecting was bad past relationships? They get over their dad rivalry and work together to protect and teach Charlie.

Their relationship doesn't need to be sex, it's just love and care, something I think they could both benefit from. I think Lucifer is autistic and speaking as an autistic person quite a few of us are somewhere on the ace spectrum, I really don't think asexual alastor would be any kind of issue for Lucifer.

(Edit)HAVING SAID ALL THAT I think radioapple might be better as just fan art and such because although I'm not aroace myself I can understand wanting the representation because it's true there doesn't seem to be much of it out there. If it were to become canon I think it's safe to say a lot of people would be upset.