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tnyj · 3 years

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Chapters of my life and career.

This post is a documentation of my life. From birth until current day.

I was born on November 17th, 2004 at 10:20 AM, at 52 centimetres long and weighing 1 pound and 14 ounces. I was born at 25 weeks, 15 weeks premature.

The funny thing is that, because I am a male, I could have died as a stillborn, because of my prematurity. My birth also kick-started a chapter of my life that is still ongoing, but that wasn’t named until my 14th year of life.

I went from hospital to hospital for the first half a year of my life.

I had suffered 12 respiratory arrests because the nurses were trying to get me onto CPAP, but my lungs kept failing after a few hours of being on it, so I was put on ventilator again and again. Because of this, I have a lip deformity on the right corner of my mouth. Also because of this, my windpipe itself became twisted and deformed, ironically.

On March 21st, 2005, I had the first major operation in my life, which was the Tracheostomy Operation, which was a tube in my throat to help me breathe. (I went on to have it until 2014, but that will be touched upon later.)

Then whilst, I was Guys Hospital, in London, I contracted MRSA because a nurse inadequately washed her hands, and was contaminated with the bug. The infection would go on to spread to my skin and blood, and that would have also killed me, if it wasn’t the extra special care given to me via the staff that worked there.

Then I went to another hospital.

Then another. This time, on April 26th, 2005, being the same hospital I was born in: Maidstone Hospital.

This was my final stay at Maidstone Hospital, where I grew bigger and stronger.

Then, on May 1st, 2005, I visited my mum’s parents to meet them and other members of my family. My Grammy (Mum’s mum’s mum), had a dog named Tina. I was scared of Tina, because I have never seen a dog at that point in time, because I was in hospital for most of my life back then, and also because when compared to my size at the time, I was smaller than it, even though the dog itself was small.

Because of this, I had a fear of dogs ever since until 2012.

On May 3rd, 2005, I was finally sent home, at five months old.

In 2007 I started walking for the first time, at the age of 2, because all I had was leg muscle therapy to help support my own bodyweight standing up.

I didn’t start talking with my vocal chords until 2008, because they were frozen and literally stuck together, and I had several operations to separate them.

I spoke via Sign Language until my vocal chords were finally separated.

In 2010 was another major operation, a partial tracheal resection, where they took a small portion of my deformed windpipe (caused by the constant ventilation tubes being shoved into my throat so I literally don’t die), and replaced it with a bit of my rib cartilage.

I tested positive for MRSA until 2010, as well.

Then, from 2012 until 2014, 2018 and 2020, I had several operations where they would laser away at my deformed windpipe, and several operations where they would just put a camera down my throat to check on my airways.

In 2014, was the most life changing moment since the initial tracheostomy operation: I had the tracheostomy out for an extended period of time, for the first time in my entire life.

Then, a year later, I suffered my most recent respiratory arrest in my life, in December 2015, caused because of combined effect of the premeds (medicine you take before you have the anaesthetic) and the anaesthetic itself, which caused a severe reaction and could have killed me. I had to have the tracheostomy back for 3 days.

Then when 2016 started, the hole where the tracheostomy resided healed shut, ironically when the doctors said that it isn’t supposed to. In February, I went swimming properly for the first time in 5 years. It was genuinely fun.

Then, nearly 2 years after this, I was due yet another major operation, this one also life-changing, where I could have the tracheostomy for the rest of my life or not have it ever again. Those outcomes were out of my control, and entirely up to the surgeons and doctors.

This operation was a full tracheal resection.

They severed most of my deformed windpipe, then pulled the rest of my windpipe that was intact up and then sewed it in place.

I was put into a medically induced coma, and then put into the ICU, post-operation. Then, when I returned to school in early/mid February, I was highly focused on education, getting into GCSE Mathematics (advanced math.), ran 800m without stopping (I have bad asthma), and began self-regulating more (because I sometimes take myself out of lessons if I am really frustrated). Because of this, I achieved what I consider the best achievement in my entire school life: The Personal Progress Award. (KEEP IN MIND: I go to a special needs school, because I am mentally disabled.)

2018 was also my tenth year at this special needs school, coincidentally.

Then, 2019 rolled around, and with modern context and hindsight, is the worst year of my school and personal life.

Starting off, was mediocre, at best. It wasn’t until late 2019 that things really went to shit, because of a then unrealised tendency to fuck myself over, because of the lack of forethought, especially when I let myself be consumed by emotions. In late 2019, I had my first relationship. I felt very happy at first, but then I was deluded by love, in the sense that I let myself be taken advantage of emotionally and psychologically and being abused because of such. Especially with her having another relationship beind my back at the same exact time as her being together with me (two-timing). Looking back now it is easier to realise that it was a very shitty relationship, but I was only 15 and I didn’t know better, at all. After me and my ex broke up, I was clearly depressed as shit, because it was my very first relationship.

Then the post-breakup bullying started, where my ex would make fun of me and mock me without reason. I let the pain, anger, sadness and hate build up within me, until I snapped after putting up with it for weeks and weeks.

She mocked me for how clingy I was, and at that point I was just done with that bullshit, so I punched her face. My fist hit her glasses, then they broke and cut her face open, which I didn’t expect, due to how angry I felt.

I was lucky not to have the police called on me.

That was incident was also when I completely lost childhood innocence, as well.

Then, 2020 came along, and changed modern human history. With CoViD-19 coming along and causing a massive pandemic that is still fucking ongoing.

On April 1st, I started using an audio editing software for my music career, which was new at the time, because all I had was a website DAW.

Then on April 23rd, 2020 I had my last MLB operation in recent memory. Which was operation 33.

In June 2020, I pioneered and experimented with a Hypertone Technique that I would later call ‘Breaking’. It involves copying and pasting nothing into an Ultrasound Tone (Ultratone), which breaks the tone into segments, making a small wall of the Broken Tone, then copying that wall, cutting the unedited (unbroken) tone, then pasting the wall of the Broken Tone, until it is significantly bigger, then speeding that up. The difference between this and most methods is that Breaking is an infinite cycle that can be repeated for eternity.

In that same month, I reached ee+121 BPM.

Later on, in August 2020, I reached ee+388 BPM, because I discovered three new forms of Breaking: Micro-Breaking, Nano-Breaking and Pico-Breaking.

Then, in December 2020, I discovered another three forms of Breaking: Femto-Breaking, Yocto-Breaking and Zepto-Breaking. In late December 2020, I started a 202 track album, titled ‘Reality Has No Meaning’ in response to the UK going into a second lockdown, due to variants of CoViD-19 hitting the country.

I completed RHNM in late January 2021.

Then, in February, I revived my BPMs reaching ee+500 on February 13th, 2021, ee+666 on February 17th, 2021 and starting my final major Hypertone album, and major album in general that has 100+ tracks: Towards E+1000 Digits. Which started on February 17th, 2021 and ended with the ee+1000 BPM track, on February 25th, 2021. I also reached ee+1001 the same day. marking an end to Breaking’s publicity.

In April 2021, I became insanely bitter, hateful and cynical, because I realised that I no longer had childhood innocence. This bitterness lasted until June and July. When I suddenly became apathetic to everything. I didn’t feel emotion for as long as I used to, circa 2018 and 2019. I still felt emotion, but very rarely.

In June I became pessimistic more severely than before, for some reason.

In late July, I became way more stylised, with the creation of more Soundcloud accounts to house very distinct styles of my music. The most personal of these is an alias named FFTSD, which is an acronym for ‘Falling For The Same Delusions’

Which expressed apathy, and also gave personal and self-reflective anecdotes in the descriptions of it’s tracks with a more expressive title.

This is all I have to offer about my life for now.

The Audacity Era is sort of Reminiscent of Hospital Hell for me, because it never ends. It’s on and off, constantly. (I mean this in the sense of my motivation to make music constantly being on and off).

This is everything about my life, online and offline.

Thank you for reading this essay/thesis or whatever, have a great day!

- TNYJ

#essay #self #explanation #real life #true #true stuff #true story #personal #my life #life

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