#the floors took so much more effort than it sounds like. it was rly bad ok i had to clean up so much trash | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rumours-spiral · 4 years

Text

help is other people- catherine & anne.

any feedback is obviously appreciated! this is the longest thing i’ve ever written & i’m proud that i could actually finish a draft for once. i don’t know if catherine’s song was based off of janet jackson but this is a fanfic & i can do what i want so

(also yes i took the title from a good place episode but it was rly cute :( )

summary: catherine and anne aren’t good at asking for help. but they can notice.

word count: 2,744

warnings: panic attacks

---------------------------------------------------x---------------------------------------------------

Catherine often pretended she was emotionless.

She had emotions. She did.

She wasn’t the most emotional, mind- there was a reason why she had practically never cried in front of the others, why her song was a powerful, Janet Jackson (who she would later be informed was a ‘bad bitch’. Even though she didn’t care for the language, she appreciated it all the same) inspired anthem. There was a reason why she was the one the queens went to when they needed logical advice. And that was who she was. It was who she had been in her past life- pious, reserved, kind, not one for foolery. And it was who she still was, and she liked it.

Most of the time.

Upholding this stone persona (although usually effortless) could become tiring. Pretending that she didn’t sometimes stay up at night wondering what was so wrong with her that Henry was forced to create an entirely new religion to cast her away was hard. Acting confident and sure of herself in the show while she sung what at the end of the day was a glamorised version of the torture that was their marriage was sometimes impossible. But she did it all the same. Because she was Catherine of Aragon. Because she had to, almost as much as she did 500 years ago. Her friends depended on her, as did the show, as did her reputation even now. She couldn’t take a day off because she hadn’t slept, and she most certainly couldn’t break down in front of anyone but God. Because that’s how it was.

To recap, Catherine very much had emotions. She just wasn’t allowed to show them.

So, when she woke up from a nightmare of Henry’s dangerous eyes and disgrace squeezing her chest, she allowed herself a second of whimpering, desperate sobs, before she clamped a hand over her mouth. A glance to her alarm clock told her it was two in the morning, and she knew she wouldn’t receive any more rest. She forced shaking breaths through the tears, reprimanding herself for being so loud as she made herself calm down. It was something she had become scarily good at doing.

She turned her phone’s torch on, knowing it childish to be afraid of the dark but apprehensive to be in it all the same. After swinging her legs onto the floor, she toed on her slippers, standing with her phone in hand and taking her robe off of a hook. She turned the light off once the door was opened, being greeted with the fluorescent light emitting from the bathroom that they always kept on. It lit the hallway enough that she could pick her way down the stairs, and then she was quite shocked to see the kitchen lights already on. She paused, frowning when she heard no noise, but continued her descent while wiping dried tears from her face.

After rounding a corner, she saw Anne sitting at the table, a glass of soda beside her and her hands gripping her phone. Catherine couldn’t decipher the emotion on her face. She cleared her throat softly, and Anne flinched.

“Oh! Sorry, Catherine, I didn’t see you there.” Anne said through a chuckle, but the smile on her face looked forced. Catherine gave her one of her own in an attempt to calm both of them down, but Anne seemed to have been thinking the same thing, as her smile had slipped of her face at the sight of Catherine’s effort.

“No, I’m sorry. I hadn’t meant to scare you,” Catherine upheld the niceties, not being quite ready yet to pretend that they were both in the kitchen at 2AM with red eyes. Anne frowned deeper, her mouth opening to ask,

“Are you okay?” Aragon felt the smile on her face crack the tiniest bit, but she kept it there anyway. She moved to put the kettle on, turning her back to Anne and giving herself a moment’s reprieve, before glancing over her shoulder. “Yes. I just woke up because of a notification from my phone.”

The only notifications she got were from the other queens, and no one would be up this late. Anne’s frown deepened impossibly, but she blessedly allowed this poor excuse, giving Catherine a knowing look instead. Aragon turned her face back to where she was pulling a mug out of the cupboard, taking a second in addition wordlessly when she thought back to Anne’s puffy eyes.

“Are you alright, Anne? Would you like to talk about it?” Catherine already knew it was a nightmare, of course. She read Anne like a book, and the simile almost made Anne snort. She gave a dismissive hum instead, thanking the other woman softly when she sat a cup of chamomile tea before her. Catherine sat down across from her, apparently having pulled a bible from nowhere, and Anne did snort at this. She looked up from where she was flicking through the pages and gave a sort of smile. Anne’s amusement faded quicker than it came on, and she felt tears begin to prick at her eyes. She hadn’t brought herself to read a bible since she came back- it reminded her too much of her final days in the Tower, praying to a God that hadn’t deigned to bring her any peace. Of her last words, begging for his kind mercy.

“I pray for you,” Catherine said quietly, a sadness in her voice as she regarded the other’s tears. “I pray that you find true happiness. That you’re no longer haunted by a life long passed. That the Lord will bring upon you some type of reward for your suffering.” Boleyn sniffled, staring down at the table now. Her last words had also been her pleading with anyone that would listen to pray for her.

“I think of you as I read this book, and I hope you find the peace it brings me one day, in whatever form it may come in.”

Her tears dripped freely.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered at the small puddle of tears collecting on the cold surface.

“For what?”

“For ruining your life.”

Catherine sighed softly, placing her book on the table and reaching a hand out to hold Anne’s.

“You’re apologising for a life 500 years old. For actions that you have already apologised for, and that have already been forgiven,” she squeezed the pale hand in her grip, and it squeezed back.

“We’ve been granted a second chance. I would much rather spend it your friend and listen to your jokes and your songs than spend it your enemy, constantly grieving the friendship we had before it was eroded by jealousy and crowns.”

Anne was crying in full now, raising a hand to cover as much of her face as she could while gripping Aragon’s with the other.

“Don’t cover your face, bella- you have a right to be in pain.” With a warm hand, Catherine took hold of the wet one, connecting them and bringing them both down to rest on the table. She squeezed her hands again before letting go of one, standing quietly.

“Come.” Was all she said, and Anne felt more than obliged to follow. Catherine held the book under her folded arm, and held her tea with her free hand. She led them both to a single armchair, setting the objects down on the table next to it and pulling Anne down to sit half on top of her, half on the armrest. Anne hadn’t the heart to comment on this, quite preferring to settle into the warm, sturdy body beneath her, still crying softly despite her will. Their hands were disconnected and Catherine instead brought one to wrap around Boleyn’s shoulders and play with a long section of hair that had fallen out of the sleep-mussed bun. With the other she wiped the tears as she shushed Anne softly.

Once Anne had calmed, she breathed heavily, and asked (almost tentatively, a shocking adjective for her), “read to me?”

A small smile graced Catherine’s face, and she pulled the Bible towards them.

—

She noticed Anne’s quiet sounds of sleep about twenty minutes into reading aloud. She stopped talking, listening to her instead.

Catherine didn’t sleep for the rest of that night. She either read her Bible or pulled Anne closer to her. The brunette didn’t wake, even when the other queens had begun to come downstairs.

Jane came first, bustling about in the kitchen for a few moments before padding into the living room and pausing at the sight on the armchair in surprise. She smiled widely after a moment, and she whispered “Can I get you anything?” as she set a tray holding her breakfast on the couch. Catherine gave a gentle shake of her head, humming in thanks as she did. Jane (ever the mother) picked up a blanket she had knitted herself, and threw it over the pair wordlessly. Aragon just smiled in amusement as she enjoyed the serenity that apparently came with a warm, sleeping Anne Boleyn curled into top of her.

——————

By the time 7pm came around, Catherine was exhausted. She had barely dragged herself through the first show of the day, running on only a few hours sleep and her emotional state shaky at best. Anne noticed.

She came over to the sitting queen, speaking in a low voice even though no one else was in the dressing room. They looked at each other in the mirror.

“I’m not gonna ask if you’re okay,” the brunette began, and Catherine found herself grateful that she was being spared from the stiff politeness she herself had forced upon the two last night. “But I do want you to know that we have alternatives for a reason, and that I’m here if you need anything.” To the surprise of them both, she placed a gentle kiss on the crown of her head. Neither commented, and Anne returned to her seat just as Anna came into the room.

Catherine mulled the words over as she put finishing touches on her makeup. Anne was right, of course. To any other queen in this state, Catherine would have told them very plainly to take the night off- there was still time for an alternative to get in costume. But then she thought back to her reputation.

Her breathing quickened slightly and her chest began to squeeze at the sudden weight upon her shoulders, but she fought it back with deep breaths and listening in to the stupid conversation currently happening between Boleyn and Cleves. Not now. This wasn’t the time. She finished her makeup, and forced herself out of her chair upon the five minute warning.

Obviously, performing when feeling on the edge of passing out from a frankly concerning mixture of physical and emotional exhaustion isn’t a good idea. Catherine knew it. But she did it anyway, missing a few marks by just a second and hearing her voice waver too much while she sang “please tell me what you think I’ve done wrong”. Too many mistakes. Far too many. Anne noticed, of course. For someone with such a tempestuous attention span, she noticed everything. So anytime that she could, in any song that she could, she edged herself close to Catherine, giving her encouraging looks or smiles or pats, and it was about the only thing keeping back the tears.

Catherine was off the stage the second they had said their farewells to the audience, and she struggled to keep herself from running to the dressing room. She held herself well as she walked past the technicians, trying to smile convincingly as they gave her their congratulations. She wasn’t sure how well it worked. Anne followed closely behind and she stopped only to mutter a quick request to their dressing-roommate. She slipped into the room after Catherine, immediately shutting and locking the door. The other queen was well into hyperventilating, her previous efforts in stifling the panic only making this one come on all the more powerfully. She began tugging at the collar of her costume, whimpering as the heavy necklaces seemed to crush her throat. She supposed it was only just punishment for how badly she had failed the other queens.

Anne moved to her in a few short strides. “Can I touch you?” She asked firmly, squashing the tears threatening to well in her eyes at seeing Catherine like this. The woman in question gave a jerky nod, and Anne placed her hands on her shoulders, wanting to touch but not overwhelm her.

“Can I take your costume off?” Was her next question, and she wasted no time in undoing the clasps and zips at the confirmation she received. Catherine was still only heaving in gasping gulps of air and was trembling under her, and Anne sped up her movements when she heard sobs. She helped Catherine shrug the heavy material off, and she was left in an undershirt and her costume’s shorts.

“I’m s-sorry,” Catherine sobbed, and Anne just shushed her gently, pulling them both to the floor. Catherine slumped against the door, and Anne knelt before her. She stroked stray curls away from the wetness on her cheeks and her heart contorted painfully at the twist in Aragon’s face. Her fingers pulled pins from her hair before ultimately pulling the spiked headband off. “No, don’t think about that now.” She said softly, and she moved back slightly to take the gold studded heels off.

“No, I-I messed up so much and I-“ Anne only got one shoe loosened, but she moved back up to Catherine’s face and cupped her cheeks with both hands. “No,” she repeated firmly, “you did nothing wrong.” Catherine only whimpered, and her face met Anne’s shoulder when she brought the two together in a trembling embrace. She stroked her back, her arms, her hair, anything she could touch, as if it would calm her. But she was still crying and not breathing properly, and she shook so hard that the tremors moved Anne as well.

“Hurts,” Catherine whimpered softly again. She supposed she mainly meant the painful fist in her chest that was choking her heart, but she really could’ve meant anything. Anne hummed.

“I know. You’re okay.” Was Anne’s reply. She moved them so that she sat with her back against the door, her legs encasing the other, and she pulled Catherine into her. Catherine obliged, burying her head back into her neck. Anne allowed her a time of just crying, but the fact that the attack was lasting for so long was starting to worry her, and she needed to get her breathing normally. She rubbed her back again for a time and closed her eyes against the pain she felt hearing Aragon’s stifled sobs against her. She gave them both a minute, before tapping Catherine and moving them away from each other the tiniest bit.

“Can you try breathing for me?” Her hands how held her shoulders, and she made herself give a reassuring smile at Catherine’s indecisive and panicky pause. “Just try? It’s alright,” she whispered, and she led one of the other queen’s hands to her own ribs so that she could feel her deep breaths, leaving both hands there. “Just breathe with me.” Catherine only looked up at her with wide, wet eyes. Anne was reminded starkly of a lost child. She gave another smile, and breathed steadily.

Catherine replicated for a few breaths, before she grew tired of the shakiness of them, and whimpered softly in frustration while squeezing her eyes closed. Anne brought their foreheads together with her free hand. “It doesn’t have to be perfect. Just follow me.” She spoke softer than she perhaps ever had, and it was enough, as she felt Catherine’s regular exhales puff against her lips. They were shaky and of a smaller size than Anne would like, but she was breathing, and tears of relief welled in her eyes. “There we go!” she whispered with a smile when brown eyes opened to meet her own, and she thought it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. Aragon’s head fell back on Anne’s shoulder after a few more minutes of breathing together, and Anne hugged her.

“You did so well,” she muttered into the curls next to her face, and she hugged the woman tighter at the hitch she heard in her breath after the comment.

#six the musical #six the musical fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic #anne boleyn #catherine of aragon #anne x catherine #panic attack #hurt/comfort #aralyn

72 notes · View notes

angstmatsuscenarios · 5 years

Note

How about an Ichimatsu sickfic? I believe that’s within the limits of the rules. I dunno, maybe he tried to play it off as nothing, but stuff happens? I’ll just leave the rest to you. I rly like this blog and I’m excited to see the ask box open again!

Sickfic is not only welcome but also my forte, hehe. Here is some Ichi sickfic for you, hope you enjoy!

Warning for a brief mention of needles (drawing blood, very brief and non-graphic) under the cut:

At first Ichimatsu didn’t give much thought to the fatigue and sore throat he’d been suffering through all day--it had been annoying, but he figured it was probably just allergies, and had kept his face mask on the whole day. He’d felt lousy for the past couple of weeks, and figured it was nothing too bad.

By that night, though, he felt worse--he’d had no appetite at dinner, and it took nearly all of his energy to follow his brothers to the bathhouse. The soak in the hot water felt good to his aching muscles, but the walk home was excruciating, his legs trudging along slowly and his whole body shivering even though it wasn’t that cold out. When they finally got back home all he could do was crawl into the futon the second it was laid out and curl up in his spot, burying his face deep in the blankets.

“Does Ichimatsu seem okay to you?” he overheard Osomatsu ask the remaining brothers.

“He looks rather pale, and he’s shaking…” Karamatsu noted, a hint of concern in his voice. “Perhaps he’s fallen ill?”

“Then we should force him to sleep in the other room,” Todomatsu asserted. “What if he’s contagious?”

“Have some heart for once, Todomatsu,” Choromatsu admonished him. “He’s wearing a mask, and besides, when has splitting us up ever stopped us from catching each other’s colds anyway?”

“I’m sure he’ll be okay!” Jyushimatsu said with assurance. “But he looks tired, we should let him rest.”

“Fine...but if we’re all coughing and sneezing by the next morning, don’t blame me,” Todomatsu replied curtly.

Ichimatsu would’ve chimed in with a “shut up and die, Todomatsu” had his throat not hurt so badly. Instead he hunkered down deeper in bed and closed his eyes, willing himself to fall asleep and hoping he’d feel better in the morning.

-----------

Mhhh….I feel horrible….

It was the first thought to flicker in Ichimatsu’s mind as he sluggishly came to the next morning. He felt truly miserable, it had been a long time since he’d ever felt this sick...if he had before, now that he thought of it. He was dripping in sweat and wracked with chills all at once, his throat burned more painfully than it ever had before, and he was aware of a dull ache in his side. Not to mention, he was exhausted.

He sat up, slowly, but that brought on a wave of dizziness that made him feel like laying right back down again. His temples pulsated with an awful headache, and he brought his hands up to rub his bleary eyes and will some of the wooziness to go away. It didn’t.

Dammit….guess it wasn’t just allergies after all….

He groaned, reluctantly crawling out from under the futon. He was alone in the room--he assumed his brothers had gotten up to go eat breakfast and had left him to rest. The thought of food suddenly made him feel nauseous, but as much as he wanted to just go straight back to sleep he knew he at least needed to get medicine.

He stood slowly, the room swaying and his head spinning. He shuffled on wobbly legs into the hallway, pressing his hand against the wall for support. Every step was grueling, requiring so much effort it caused sweat to bead up on his forehead.

What...the hell...is wrong with me…?

He was close to the stairs, just a few more steps...he gingerly put one foot in front of the other, then again…

But suddenly his legs gave out on him, folding so that he hit the floor with a weak grunt. He leaned all his weight against the wall, unable to support himself, whimpering quietly as he rubbed the sore spot on his side.

Something’s wrong...this isn’t just the flu, is it…?

“Ichimatsu-niisan!”

Ichimatsu had been so zoned out he didn’t notice Jyushimatsu thundering up the stairs until he was by his side, kneeling next to him with a worried expression on his face.

“Are you okay? I heard a thud, did you fall?” Jyushimatsu asked, and although he wasn’t exactly shouting his voice was loud enough to Ichimatsu’s pounding head to make his ears ring.

“N-no...don’t feel good…” Ichimatsu managed to groan out a response, his throat stinging so badly it made his eyes water.

Jyushimatsu frowned. “You look awful...look at your neck, your glands are really swollen. And you’re super pale…”

Still rambling, Jyushimatsu helped Ichimatsu slowly back to his feet. Ichimatsu was just barely aware as his brother practically carried him back to the sextuplets’ room and tucked him back into bed. All the while he wore an anxious expression that was very unlike the sunny fifth son’s usual disposition.

“I’m gonna get Mom, okay?” Jyushimatsu said, lightly patting Ichimatsu’s head. “She’ll help you, she always knows what to do.”

Ichimatsu only managed a feeble moan in response, closing his eyes. He’d never been this miserable when sick before, and it scared him...even scarier was that he didn’t have the energy to be as scared as he probably should be. He could only hope his mother could help him, though he doubted he would be cured by her gentle touch and homemade soup.

What’s going on…?

----------

After hearing that Ichimatsu had nearly passed out, Matsuyo insisted on taking him to the doctor. He hated doctors, but he was so out-of-it that he simply put up with the poking and prodding and blood-taking without much fuss (that was a real sign of how sick he was--he didn’t put up a fight when he saw the needle, just turned his head in the other direction and kept his eyes shut tight when his blood was drawn).

Fortunately, it wasn’t long before they received a diagnosis...but unfortunately, it was more serious than anticipated. According to the doctor Ichimatsu had mononucleosis. That explained why he’d felt so run-down for the last few weeks, and also why the glands in his neck were so swollen. The doctor went on to explain that it was the reason Ichimatsu’s side hurt, too--his spleen was swollen, a fact that thoroughly freaked him out, though the doctor said as long as he was careful not to injure his spleen and cause it to rupture the swelling would most likely go down sooner rather than later (the word “rupture” only induced more panic).

There wasn’t much that could be done to treat mono, either--the most vital thing was rest. It could take weeks, even months, for someone to recover completely from mono, Ichimatsu discovered, and while it didn’t affect him too much since he had no job or school to worry about...the idea of being sick for so long was scary. He couldn’t imagine going more than a few days feeling this crappy, but weeks? Months?! Not to mention, it meant staying home and resting that whole time...he wasn’t much for leaving the house to begin with, but not be able to visit his cat friends in the alley, or join his brothers when they went to Chibita’s? He hated the thought of being excluded from all of that for who knew how long.

The doctor tried to be reassuring, insisting it was possible to have a speedier recovery as long as he took good care of himself, but all Ichimatsu felt was dread. It was awful news, he couldn’t even pretend there was a bright side to it.

When Ichimatsu got home from the doctor, he’d found his brothers had set up a temporary room for him in the spare room. It wasn’t just that his mono was potentially contagious, but they insisted it would be easier for him to recuperate if he had peace and quiet while he rested. He wanted to call bull on that last claim, but was so tired that he just crawled right into his futon in his “new” room and went right to sleep without protest.

Days passed by. It wasn’t long before Ichimatsu started to feel bored and lonely. He felt marginally better than he had the first couple of days, but he was still nowhere near well, and the thought was depressing to him that he’d have a long time of feeling this way.

He spent most of his time sleeping. He didn’t have the energy for much else. Sometimes his mother popped in to give him food (which he hardly ate—his throat hurt too much and his appetite was pretty much nonexistent), and other times one of his brothers would pay a quick visit (wearing a mask, not surprisingly). It was nice, but not the same as being with them like usual, and once they left he felt sad again.

Gradually, though, Jyushimatsu began spending more and more time with him. He’d sit at Ichimatsu’s bedside for hours, playing a game or reading a manga or sorting his baseball cards—activities he didn’t always possess much patience for, being as active as he was. He made light conversation with Ichimatsu, though kept it to a minimum, knowing Ichimatsu wasn’t much for talking. It was the quietest and most still Jyushimatsu had ever been.

Ichimatsu was grateful for the company, but he felt guilty as well. Surely this wasn’t what Jyushimatsu felt like doing—this had to be cutting into his baseball time, which he treasured. Ichimatsu didn’t want both of them to be trapped inside all the time, not when Jyushimatsu was well and could do whatever he wanted.

“Jyushi,” Ichimatsu spoke up one afternoon, his voice rusty. Jyushimatsu had been poring over a baseball book, but perked up at the sound of Ichimatsu’s voice. “You don’t have to stay with me all the time...you can go outside and play baseball or whatever you want. I feel bad if you’re staying in all the time because of me.”

Jyushimatsu offered a bright smile. “But, Ichimatsu-niisan, I am doing what I want!” he insisted, crawling closer to his brother. “It must suck being sick in bed for so long. I wouldn’t want to be alone all the time if it were me. Besides, I have my most fun when I’m with you—even if you can’t do much now, I like being with you. And baseball isn’t the same without you there, either.”

“Really…?” Ichimatsu wasn’t so sure about that. How much fun could he be?

“Really!” Jyushimatsu nodded enthusiastically. “You’re my best friend, I’ll always stay by your side! And it won’t be like this forever either, sooner or later you’ll recover and we can get right back to playing! So just keep your chin up, okay, Niisan?”

Ichimatsu blinked, just a little surprised...not to mention touched. Jyushimatsu really did just want to spend time with him, even if that time consisted of doing nothing more than hanging out in the same room together while he slept. Jyushimatsu really was his best friend, and even though he still felt terrible that realization made him feel just a little better.

“Thank you, Jyushi...I’ll try.”

“You’ll be back to yourself in no time!” Jyushimatsu enthused with a grin that made Ichimatsu believe it. “Anyway, why don’t I read to you from my book until you fall asleep?”

“I’d like that. Thanks.”

With that, Jyushimatsu settled down right beside Ichimatsu and started reading, angling the book so they could both see inside. Ichimatsu wasn’t particularly interested in baseball facts and stats, but it was comforting being read to, and Jyushimatsu’s surprisingly soft voice soon lulled him into sleep.

It would take time for him to get better, but with Jyushimatsu by his side, maybe the road to recovery wouldn’t be as awful as it seemed.

#osomatsu san #osomatsu san angst #ichimatsu #sickfic #sick character #mononucleosis

61 notes · View notes

lookwhatilost · 5 years

Text

i. i must’ve passed out unintentionally at some point. im not happy abt it. I didn’t take my makeup off yet. my teeth aren’t brushed. I do this a lot and I worry abt how damaged they must be getting, jst bc I’m stupid and drink too much. I dnt think I drink that much, I mean maybe in general, but not last night. I had, what? the flights at area two, the spiked seltzer and Moscow mule at cityside, the two beers when I got back to the apartment—wait, no, that actually is kind of a lot. im not sure when I got so desensitized. I check the clock—2AM—so i actually haven’t been knocked out for as long as I thought. two hours, probably. it could be worse. the cat is still awake and still being credulous with me. he’s warming up to me again, but it’s a little disheartening to redo this dance with him each time I see him. remember me, dammit. i remember you. I dnt think I’m being entirely fair to him, though. he’s a cat. i can’t rly apply my human understanding of anything to his behavior. either way, he’s waiting outside the bathroom for me when I go in to attend to my teeth and makeup. he follows me. he falls asleep next to me. i feel a little bit validated. part of me thinks being the kind of person that animals like effortlessly is the mark of some inherent goodness, but I know it’s illogical and this took effort. i want to jst believe there’s goodness here, and in my absence of any real examples, I’ll assign depth to something like this. sometimes it’s all you can do.

ii. the sun doesn’t have any business being up at five-something, but it is, and I dnt think there are shades in this room. well, I’m not sure, maybe there are, but I didn’t have the foresight to look for them or close them. llewyn has moved, he’s in his actual bed now, but he seems to have taken notice of the fact that I’m awake. I try to rest my eyes a little bit. i know i won’t be able to sleep with the sun in my eyes, but it’s restful anyway. I have a long day ahead of me and i want to ease into the morning. i think i drifted back off but I can’t tell. llewyn has moved again. it seems like he wants to cuddle now. impeccable timing, as always. ive heard ian’s alarm go off a few times in the other room but they’ve still not come out of it. i have to leave soon. i wanna actually physically say goodbye but I’m worried they’re avoiding me. the last time we had a goodbye moment, i kissed them on the cheek and that probably made them rly uncomfortable. I’m not even sure why I did that. i think they’re the only person im comfortable showing any kind of affection towards but that doesn’t make that action any less weird. especially given... i dnt want to think abt that shit anymore, actually. i can’t without feeling ashamed and very, very stupid. it’s not like that anymore, but i wonder how much has to happen and how much time has to elapse for something like that to not actually matter anymore. i wonder if it ever won’t. it’s probably not personal. not everything that affects me is abt me, sheesh.

iii. the iced coffee at cumberland farms tastes the same as the iced coffee everywhere else, but i can’t get it here often, and it’s very inexpensive. it can’t help but occur to me that 24 ounces of coffee is 7 calories, and the calorie counts are printed on the packages of the food I got—250 for the sandwich, 150 for the hash browns. i marinade on the thought for a little bit before deciding what to do with it. I eat my food and drink the coffee and try not to remember. I do anyway. I’m trying to think of different numbers. this is a pretty substantial takeaway breakfast for $3 and change. better than what i probably could have got at mcdonalds. the sandwich is kind of soggy but it’s not bad. the hash browns are better.

iv. five hours in the car fly by my nose and im back home, kind of. i think I’m still trying to figure out what “home” means. this place is familiar. it’s where i live. my roommate’s dirty dishes from yesterday morning are still in the sink. mail that the cat knocked off the counter on my way out is still sitting on the floor. 24 hours have passed since I was last here, but it looks like nothing has been touched. I may as well have just stepped out for a cigarette.

v. very rarely does anything change in a days time, but when enough of them pass, everything is suddenly different. i slept on this couch more times than I could count before i was even on the lease, like I’d known I’d someday live here and wanted to warm myself up to it. and I’ve lived here for a while now, going on 8 months to be exact, but it simultaneously feels much longer than that, and as though it hasn’t actually been that long. a lot has happened in that time, but mainly to evan. ive witnessed many things that he’s done but have branched out very little myself. i transferred at my job abt a year ago but im still doing the same work I’ve been doing since i was 19. i still have the same friends but i see increasingly less of them. i get into the same car and travel the same roads that take me the same places. i still drink jst as much.

vi. my body has changed a lot, but the things I’ve always hated abt it are still there and the changes have jst given me more to resent. i look in the mirror when I get out of the shower and it’s all the same. the face with the perpetually stupid, bovine look plastered on it, the same masculine jaw, broad shoulders, breasts that are too far apart, more noticeably so since they’ve gotten smaller, the laparoscopy scar on my navel, the clusters of freckles that are jst pigmented enough to make my skin look blotchy, the perpetually inflamed hair follicles on my thighs, the knobby knees, always covered in bruises, the leg that’s slightly shorter than the other. the counter in the bathroom is high enough that I can’t see my labia but I know they’re there. I want to go a day without debating whether to cut them off with the sharpest knife I can find. it’s not today. the weight loss did little to make me feel better abt the way it all looks—the size of my jaw and shoulders is more apparent now that they are less hidden, my eyes bug out, it’s hard to contort so that my ribs aren’t visible somewhere, my hipbones poke through my clothing. I dnt think I’ve ever looked so bad in my life. Im going to cover up.

vii. I look at the date on my phone and saw that it was the 24th and for some reason identified that this was the last time I’d see that number on a calendar before I turned 24 myself. It doesn’t seem to make sense that I’m that old now. I know it’s not old, too, but it doesn’t seem like that should be me. I still think I behave like a child in a lot of respects, and the thought conjures a memory of my old therapist insulting me, saying that I had the mental tendencies of a child in grammar school. when she told me this initially, I replied to her sarcastically: “well, shit. maybe I should see a therapist abt that” and she told me not to come back to her practice. I cried on the way home despite how cognizant I was of the absurdity of the situation. “grammar school”—who even calls it that? it stuck with me nonetheless. it’s hard to have a therapist fire you, even with the knowledge that the therapist in question was not very good, without wondering if you’re a basket case, if help will always be lost on you.

viii. my job isn’t the worst but the labor feels pointless and it rly intensifies my feelings that I’m fighting never ending monotony to wring out very little in the way of satisfaction. i think you rly have to love this job to do it as a career, or maybe you need to have a specific personality type that makes it easier to engage w. im not very good at socializing and i think im getting too old to keep making excuses for myself abt that. meg and ash are always nagging me to sell more but i dnt feel comfortable enough to make small talk w these people, let alone sell them stuff. i feel like i sound so stupid when I speak aloud. i use a lot of fillers in my speech and it’s rly hard to talk abt hair without sounding like a bullshitter. something is very insincere abt the language that’s involved. i know i know what im talking abt but I dnt know how to sound like i know what I’m talking abt, and it’s hard bc the latter is a lot more important.

ix. I can’t tell if people sincerely aren’t making sense today or if im foggy bc i kept waking up and going back to sleep. this guy keeps saying that the last woman who cut his hair used a 5 on the sides and a 9 on the top but she cut it all w scissors. that definitely doesn’t make sense. i dnt think they even make a 9. why would she be using clipper settings to describe a scissor cut? the top here is at least 3 times as long as the sides and back are. im not going—oh my god, i can’t deal w kids who scream during their haircuts—insane, right? stuff like this makes me rly doubt myself, too, like there are bigger gaps in my knowledge than—wow he rly jst is not tiring himself out w this screaming, huh—i feel there are. what if this actually is a coherent way to describe a haircut? maybe he rly is jst stupid, but I also think that when you write people off as “stupid” all the time, it reflects—god, why is his baby sister screaming now too? nothing is even fucking happening to her—worse on you than it does on them. it’s always the biggest idiots who are so self-satisfied to think that. but im not self-satisfied at all, im very insecure and it’s constantly apparent, but everyone is insecure abt a lot, and that doesn’t doesn’t equal intelligence. I wish I had a sounding board. and i rly wish that kid in Niya’s chair would stop crying.

x. everyone in the salon today seems like they’re in a bit of a weird mood, it’s not jst me for once. the phone is annoying me a lot more than usual today. i feel like it’s ringing every 20 minutes. niya is always very avoidant when it comes to taking haircuts, but meg is lagging today which is unusual. it was busy, too, but i keep getting shafted where tips are concerned. most of my regulars who were due to come in around this time came earlier this week, and usually they’re the ones who tip me the best. the radio station that’s on is very weird too, distractingly so—it’s gone from bowie, to panic at the disco, to nirvana, the police, florence and the machine, neil young, lord huron, rhcp, crowded house. it’s not intolerable, but i can’t seem to follow any sort of genre or time period theme and im paying more attention to figuring this out than i am what im supposed to be doing. it’s that point in the night where people generally stop coming in and I know I haven’t made very much. I’ve counted... $24. weird. are they playing “brick”? that’s a throwback.

xi. i remember my ex being rly into mystics despite not understanding them very well. i forget what he was doing w my natal chart, but he told me once that 24 would be a rly significant year for me. i asked him why and he said that’s all he could figure, there was nothing in the way of further details that he provided. i know I said something back to him abt hoping that id be married by 24—so stupid. granted, i would have been 18 or so at the time and 24 seemed very distant at the time. but that was 6 years at the time, now it’s less than 3 weeks. ive changed a lot, mentally at least, but my circumstances haven’t rly. maybe on superficial levels. yeah, i support myself financially and i have a job in a field i could realistically work in for the rest of my life if I wanted to do that. but im still jst as unsure abt what I want and what’s going to happen to me. i feel like I’m more “sought after” in a few ways, but my phone is jst as dry as it’s always been. i was hoping the move would have been good for me but im very scared abt doing it alone. and i might still do it, i jst dnt know what the timeline is going to look like and there’s no promise of me turning over a new leaf for real and finding my inspiration jst bc my scenery has changed. every time ive moved when I was younger, it jst dug me deeper into loneliness. but i was a child and it wasn’t my choice. but there’s no way for me to rationalize asking my actual lived experiences. maybe that’s the big thing that’ll happen to me at 24? or maybe instead of getting married, I’ll break a marriage up. i know that’s not going to get that far, you know, w kenny. i probably shouldn’t joke abt it, though.

xii. it looks like Evan is home from friday’s already and i rly dnt want to be around him right now. im still feeling rly hurt abt him pulling the plug on the massachusetts move without making any effort at all to sort his finances out or secure some additional income that wasn’t the precarious extra dollars he’s been getting from porn. he keeps sinking all of his money into bar tabs and impulse purchases and takeaway food. and his cars. i wish he would jst be honest w himself abt the cars already. he needs to sell the honda and be done w it before he has to replace the engine and drop another two grand on repairs. i dnt know why he never listens to me. im rly growing to dislike him, but we’re in this together whether i like it or not, and im not going to lead him astray when his financial problems are dragging me down w him. i think i am going to be a hypocrite and go out alone tonight. kenny’s bar is doing that bottle opening thing tonight, right? but i dnt rly want to be around kenny right now. but he might not be there. but i also get a weird satisfaction from being around him I’ll bet it’s going to be a madhouse there, too, and i rly hate crowded bars. but it’s something to do. maybe i will get lucky and someone will talk to me and we’ll have a decent conversation and I’ll never see them again after. why is that my ideal?

xiii. god, running out the last hour on the clock is always hell. no one ever seems to come in, so it feels like a huge waste of time, but when people do come in, i get very irritated. so I’m not sure what i actually want from my time here. i think im jst too fixated on how being stuck here until close almost every night is hurting my ability to expand myself socially. but what would i even be doing if i wasn’t here? i think i would jst be finding a way to waste time. id be sinking hours into doing nothing like I do all the time. i have a lot of time on my hands, in the grand scheme of things. i have literally no idea where it all goes. i drink a lot of it away bc i am generally too uninspired to participate in my hobbies, and i think that feeds the darkness bc they make me very happy. at least w cooking, yknow, i have to eat. i have an organic need to engage w that one. all else has been falling through the cracks, though. i dnt think ive picked my bass up in 3 weeks.

xiv. Kenny’s bar looks like it’s absolutely mobbed and I’d be upset if I went all the way out there only for me not to be able to sit down anywhere. it looks like Evan went back out. that works. i have beer at home. I’d be smarter to save the money anyway. i want to support kenny and the rest of the guys, even though I dnt have a lot of nice things to say abt him. his brewery is cool. it’s cool to have something with so much potential come out of your home town, even if i dnt entirely identify w that place as being my home town. but it’s better than saying that im from alabama, even though i feel like my childhood is more tethered to mobile. i think people would make weird assumptions abt me if I said that. people are rly unfair to what the south is actually like. i dnt know. but their growth has been nice to watch. seeing something you’ve supported since the beginning grow to the degree it has makes you feel pride even if it has nothing to do with you personally. and ive had so many good moments there, w ian, w my family, in general. i met justin there and im happy abt that, even though i dnt know what’s going on w justin. i dnt think justin knows what’s going on w justin.

xv. looking at my shelf of ian souvenirs is making me miss ian, even though we were jst together, even though we’re seeing one another again in 2 weeks. I wish I could engage w them in a more stable way. seeing them reminds me of being a teenager and breaking into the apartment i used to live in on governor’s island. and since the base went out of commission not long after we moved, i was the last person to live in that apartment. i went back into my first bedroom and the evidence that it used to belong to me was still apparent, but the floorboards had been warped and the wallpaper was very faded out. i felt weird being back, nostalgia and warmth pitted against the instinct that i wasn’t supposed to be there. i wasn’t supposed to see it—a rosy memory colliding w irrefutable proof of the passage of time. ive been very unfair to them, ian, in so many respects but it’s all very mixed and complicated. i look at this person, and i see so many years worth of history, but the familiar messy gold hair is framing a slightly different, slightly fuller face. they talk abt people i dnt know very well, stories set in a city ive spent very little time in. it’s disorienting. i feel like when im here alone, im always confronting their ghost, in places we used to go together, in things we used to talk abt doing but never did—a final hike on a trail that closed before we got the chance to go together, their name scratched in the wall of a dive bar, things they’d always point out on the side of the road, small pieces of their essence scattered across a place they are no longer a part of. i wonder what I did to deserve any preservation, too. i see this person who I truly am proud of, who i rly do think is going places, and that respect gets interpreted into feelings of inadequacy. that there’s no way someone like this can look at me and see anything other than an unstable failure. i dnt think any other person knows me more fully, for better or for worse. worse is dominant. i know it is. my intuition is always screaming at me that they hate me, that they left bc they wanted to get away from me. literally none of that makes sense. i know they dnt lie to spare my feelings, but i feel like they almost have to be. i wonder why i can’t trust that im cared for. i wonder why I can’t have an evaluation of another person that i dnt immediately relate back to myself.

xvi. it took two beers for me to realize that I haven’t eaten anything since i was in boston. i need to stop doing this shit, but im still getting my calories if im drinking them, right? i feel like it doesn’t make sense for recovery to be as difficult as it is, but my emotions have always interfered w my hunger cues, and my body is so accustomed to constantly being hungry that it’s not something i even notice that much anymore. I’ve been getting weird pins and needles feelings in what I’m assuming are my intestines as I’ve upped my intake and I’m afraid of them rupturing and me bleeding out internally when I’m home alone. such a pathetic way to die—having your own blood and bile and shit poison you. I doubt I’m on my deathbed, i think my system is jst on the slow path to returning to normal, but i wasn’t expecting physical symptoms aside from weight gain, which on its own, i could live w. my ednos was never as restrictive as it was until somewhat recently. my problem was generally concerned w binge eating and compensatory behavior, usually fasting or short periods of restriction or exercise. all punishment based. i can’t help but find it ridiculous that i ended up w an eating disorder despite never caring abt my weight. even when I was a high school freshman and overweight, i didn’t care. i think it’s because i dnt outwardly self harm anymore, and that self-destructive need has translated into other conduits. the scars this leaves are much more socially acceptable than what I was left w when I was younger and carved “dumb whore” into my thigh. i can’t believe i did something so stupid. im glad that finally isn’t visible anymore. i can’t believe that i’m almost 24 and still, to some extent, do shit like that.

xvii. i still have that vacation time that I took to look at apartments in massachusetts, and since that isn’t going to happen, i want to take a poorly planned solo vacation. i looked at places to stay in DC, in chicago, in nashville, but i left discouraged. nashville is too far, Chicago is too expensive, DC seems too dangerous. i think my perpetual anxiety prevents me from taking full advantage of my freedom. and I can be free. 24 hours ago, I was in Boston and I didn’t have to tell anyone I was doing that. I’ve navigated a strange place on my own. I lived to tell the tale, but I also wonder what the point is of stuff like this if I have no one to share it w. No one to reminisce w. it feels like a waste of money. almost nothing feels worth what I spend on it––time, money, calories, stop thinking abt calories.

xviii. i open another beer, basically on an empty stomach. i need to stop drinking like this, it’s not even negotiable anymore. i know this is a problem. i need to stop. i dnt know if I want to stop. i want to drown in bliss but I feel none. alcohol amplifies everything I feel, and when I’m feeling good, it’s generally very good, but when it’s bad, it gets very bad. i feel weird now so it’s amplifying the negatives. they do not need that. no, i dnt need that. i know this is an addiction. im scared, but not scared enough to do anything abt it.

xix. i still have Rebecca on social media despite everything. she’s moved, she’s no longer in my proximity, but i still have her on things even though I have no motivation to keep any sort of peace with her. I remember when things happened, when i was too drunk to stand up and she insisted on forcing herself on me anyway, after the fact she kept saying all this stuff to me abt how she wanted me to be her girlfriend and i jst sort of laid there and said nothing. i had nothing to say. i wasn’t processing what’s happened, i jst kept thinking “this is bad. that was bad” to myself. and then she never rly follows up, a small acknowledgment of culpability, maybe, but she’s moved in w some boyfriend now. it’s weird that people can do awful things to you and move on like nothing happened, and you have those moments stuck in your head, keeping you stunted, keeping you away from living uncorrupted, uninhibited, the way you should engage w it. i think of how demoralizing it is to have your perception shattered by a 30-something woman who still laughs at nyan cat shit. i think of how most discussions of sexual assault in the mainstream act as though only men are capable of it, as though it’s only ever happening in heterosexual contexts. i think of how everyone who bullied me in high school probably does not even remember it. i think it’s absurd to compare the two things but I dnt laugh.

xx. i want to talk to Justin but i have nothing to say. i dnt know what I should talk to him abt. i dnt know how you’re supposed to do this stuff. im comforted by the fact that, since he was w someone for 10 years, he’s rly out of the dating loop, and he have no idea what he’s doing either. but it’s a red flag, you know. I think we’re jst friendly. and I’m okay w that, I need friends. i want friends. i never see fati anymore these days. things w evan are polluted. ian is very far away. it occurred to me that i know very little abt him, aside from us getting along, but do we actually? how would I know? it’s not uncommon to have good conversations, for most people. but he knows more abt me than I do abt him. i dnt think i could name a single one of his interests if prompted. he probably couldn’t name one of mine that isn’t “drinking”. I’m not sure if I’m willfully ignorant of reality or if im jst assigning negativity to something without a lot of basis. i wonder why im incapable of living in the moment and not thinking too deeply abt what happens to me. i figured out what I’m doing w all the time on my hands.

xxi. everyone has been telling me lately that i should try to monetize my cooking and I dnt know if I believe them. i can’t imagine I’m as good at it as people say. i dnt trust it. im not even sure if it’s a passion, rly, i think my eating disorder has corrupted my relationship w food and i have to push harder to be interested in it normally, and this is how i cope. i might jst be on a kick. and if it actually is a passion, do i want to ruin it by making it into a living? i didn’t feel one way or the other abt hair when I went into it. it was a neutral activity. to grow to hate it is not a loss. i only care abt being good at it bc directly dealing w people makes my failures feel very personal when they happen. i know good food is something you can’t fake. i made ian spring rolls yesterday and they insisted I not watch them eat. i respected the request, but i needed to see the look on their face. I’m annoyed I didn’t. everything was eaten, I know they wouldn’t have done that if they hated them. but I only have my family to go off otherwise, and they would definitely lie to me. so i dnt know. i feel like support is untrustworthy. i know the people who won’t be honest w me, i dnt entirely trust praise from the people who I know who aren’t shy to say “it’s not my thing, I’m not crazy abt it”. i dnt know why i can’t accept that I’m good at anything.

xxii. there’s no reason for my scale to be out when i’m “trying” to “recover” but i will not put it away. i step on it anyway, and it looks like i’m 103lbs, fully clothed, stomach full of beer. i know it’s bad, but i get a weird amount of gratification from seeing it. it’s very hard to maintain a weight that low, so it feels like an accomplishment, even though it isn’t one. it’s been months since i had a period, and that adds to the sense of satisfaction. but it’s not good. obviously. it’s really getting in the way of me wanting to work out and actually improve my body. i’m fatigued. i’m foggy. i know the fact that i’m depriving myself is partially responsible for my terrible mood. i know i already had a heart problem, why on earth would i make that worse for myself? i’ve been having a few normal eating days, so i still won’t admit to myself that i’ve relapsed. i had a lava cake 5 days ago! there’s a quarter stick of butter in that! and an ounce of chocolate! i didn’t care, so obviously i’m doing something right. i know i’m not, entirely, but i’m staying positive. either that, or i’m extremely in denial. there’s still chocolate in the cabinet. no, of course i am not going to eat it.

xxiii. meg scheduled 6 people on tomorrow, so it looks like i’m not going to make any goddamn money again. my aunt is coming in, so i’ll get a little more from her, but the cash i take home there is so very inconsistent. i feel like the more money i save, the more i worry abt it, like i should have more by now. like i’m going to struggle forever. the stuff i’m buying now won’t matter in a few days, but that anxiety is always going to be over my head. i need a career change. i know that. i keep forgetting that pete gave me money for college, so my “i dnt want to be in debt” excuse is a lie. i keep telling people i’m considering going to college again but i know i never will bc i haven’t actually gotten any better at managing my time and being disciplined. i think i’m better at pretending i am, but i’m not. even if i seriously wanted to, i wouldn’t be motivated enough to actually take the steps required to re-enroll. it’s all too overwhelming. i feel like that feeling alone is a sign i’d fail.

xxiv. I’ve been saying this thing to myself a lot lately to self-soothe: “god’s in his heaven” and i dnt rly know what I mean by that. i dnt know if i believe in stuff like that, I dnt have any reason to believe that there’s any kind of order or force that presides over anything. is that what I’m talking abt? we’re all preoccupied w our own things, attending to our own futures, making our own peace to the best of our abilities? maybe? am i saying that we’ve all been abandoned, ignored? then why do I find it comforting? i dnt think my inner monologue makes a lot of sense, but i only ever talk to myself these days. maybe I’m talking abt myself in an idealized way, but I look back on the past 24 hours and see my good mood i woke up w descend, the 900 calories I’ve consumed today, the $24 I’ve made, the singular text thread I have w ian, the nothing I’ve done in the handful of hours I’ve been home, the three empty beer cans. i know i’m constantly in my own head, constantly picking myself apart, picking everything else apart. it accomplishes nothing. it’s useless self-flagellation. i’m constantly raking myself over the coals for shit that doesn’t matter, constantly agonizing over situations that aren’t actually that deep. i think that’s a way in which i lie to myself. i spend all day beating myself up over the inconsequential while never giving due attention to my actual flaws. even if i was, saying that i’m useless and stupid all the time still does nothing. it’s abt meaningful action, and i’m so bad at that, and i’m doing this exact thing again. i think i do it so i have something to point to, to say “i’m working on myself” when i’m jst being mean and self-righteous abt it. where has it gotten me? what do i want from it? do i think i can bully myself into change? do i rly think it will make me do anything other than resign to complacency? 24 hours, and a lot has happened, but i’ve still gotten nothing done. another will pass, and nothing will change. then enough days will pass, and i’ll notice everything is different, and i’ll still feel jst as stuck. i will be meaner to myself abt it. and that’s what i’ll do. over and over, until the end of time. Evan jst got home. he said something abt how sad i looked. he asked me what was wrong. i wish i had the guts to say any of it to anyone’s face, let alone his. it’s fine, it’s fine, i tell him, God’s in his heaven. whatever it is i actually mean by that.

#blog #literally do not feel obligated to read this. It is very VERY long #like my complete stream of consciousness from the past day #the stupid piece of shit bojack episode super extended directors cut #an essay in which i talk abt literally everything thats eating me and provide no solutions #the most disgustingly honest ive ever been on main #god's in his heaven

1 note · View note

astrofireworks · 7 years

Text

cha eunwoo | astro

An introduction to Astro, lights of our lives, for new Arohas!

(done with @rockoaroundthechristmastree, @rockytheastroid, @astrofireworks, @jinwoosmile, @ongbins and @jakganim)

masterlist

Born 30 March 1997

Gunpo child

How to recognise Eunwoo: look for a literal angel there you go there he is

Literally looks the same in all his eras bc he looks good with dark hair and fantagio Knows it

^ At time of writing anyway; he just came out with light brown hair for dream pt. 02′s jacket and everyone is fucKIN SHOOKT

Fuckin unreal smdh

Baby: light blue car

Visual 3/6

@jakganim (in a fic LOL but it was FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY PUNY LIL HEART) said once that Eunwoo’s as beautiful outside as he is on the inside and honestly i’ve never heard a sentence that describes eunwoo so perfectly

in short, a heart as radiant and beautiful as he appears????

Researches everything bc he’s a diligent and worried bub

Whatever shows he goes on???? He researches them

researched every single person going on law of the jungle and also researched what the climate was going to be like and how to build different things

researched the MCs he was going on with when he went on Happy Together 3 and got exposed they read his unfiltered notes out loud in detail he got so shy ajsdfhlaskjd

researched everyone in crime scene 3 because he didn’t want to make a fool of himself

got so nervous about variety show training programme bc they didn’t let him know who was going to be on the show with him so he couldn’t research them

puts so much effort into things what the fuck !

Real Name: Lee Dong Min

Nickname: Buttmin (Lee Dongmin: 이동민) where second letter 동 sounds similar to the second letter in butt (엉덩이) because he thought he had a big butt asjdhlfakjsd

he can spell his name with his butt thanks variety show training

Actor

Was MJ in The Best Hit/Hit the Top (and the members made jokes about it)

had a thing with the members where they’d call him Fake MJ

Starred in their webdrama To Be Continued as the “lead” but not really (cries forever)

Was part of a miniseries called “Replies that Make us Flutter” where they took send-in answers for topics and incorporated them into short drama episodes.

Bin starred in one with him as well. He tried to be a bad boy that hated Eunwoo. It was not convincing.

Won Male CF Star at the MTN Broadcast CF Festival

He’s currently in Revenge Note as the “leader” of Astro, it’s weird

#SmartBoi

goes to Sungkyungkwan uni, prestigious uni in SK

was also the top 3rd student in his school AND was student body president in middle school i’m truly weeping

Introduced on a few shows with the hashtag #차파고 (Cha-pha Go, a spin on Alpha Go) because he’s so damn diligent and detailed

Also went on 1 v 100 with bin and mj but he got into the finals/semi-finals WOW WE STAN BRAINS AND BEAUTY

Knows japanese and chinese and is nearly fluent in english bless his heart

Also speaks Chinese because his younger brother studies in China

DONGHWIIIIIIIIIIIII

Cute as fuck during new year’s when the rest of astro were in the fantz celebrating new year’s he went home to visit his brother bc he came back from china so he video called into vapp

I need to stop saying fantz someone shoot me i started ironically and now i can’t stop

Once upon a time was in the jungle with Yuri, apparently picked up aegyo there

Gets made fun of all the time by astro for the aegyo asjdfkhlskjd they make him sing the aegyo song literally every time

And they annoy him by singing it too

Always gets iconic lines / killing parts in songs

내꺼할래 !! (wanna be mine?)

같이 갈래? (let’s go together?)

Iconic line in polaris

Here’s a compilation you didn’t know you needed

Again made fun of by astro for doing the 같이 갈래

That one astro play where he’s just talking and then lil bitches sanha and jinjin pop up behind him and go 같이 갈래!!! and he just looks so done

The centre of all of Astro’s arm symbol formations

Makes sure that you know who he is (bc he’s cHa-A e-EUN Wu-UU *thumps chest*)

This ALSO gets mimicked by the other members, and poor boy tried to chug a soda and do this as well but ended up burping on camera as a result ;v;

Also the stiffest dancer my poor son

Got sent on some programme for idols who can’t dance it was Hilarious

But he also put so much effort into it i’m rly crying he made sure to get help from rocko in dancing the choreography right ;;;;

And he’s improved so much i’m !!!!!! so proud he puts in so much effort and he works so hard and he practices so much fuck i’m emo

Literally ??? is perfect whatever he says his bad sides are are actually good points smdh

Was asked once if there was anything he couldn’t do, to which he replied that he wasn’t good at relationships and the MC replied that wtf it just made him more attractive

farewell i am on the floor crying

oh right okay yes one bad side:

MINIONS

Smdh he loves them so much

The glasses he wore in the cicada video

that one video of them playing with the minion helicopter

that MINION HAT

160108 DDOCA when they’re playing with the minion blanket and jinjin opens it up and promptly looks horrified

What the hell is this

European Bagel: once said he was eating an ‘european bagel’ on ok!ready episode 1 if anyone knows what that means pls let us know

He gets anxious about being a burden to astro

Talked about it in Astro Project watch at your own risk I cried

Listen he does so much he juggles acting and photoshoots for CFs and astro promotions he’s constantly trying to improve himself he’s never a burden and if there's one member in all of astro i want to hug and just !! tell him he's okay and that everything will be okay and tell him that he’s perfect and that he’s enough and deserves love it’d be Eunwoo for me ;;;;;;;;

Also Eunwoo: (sits quietly) / 5stro: let’s fuck with him

was playing with the ducks when jinjin and sanha come up behind him and screamed lmao he nearly fell on his face

A compilation or two… or three of Eunwoo being bothered by the other members lolol

Once Jinjin had to pull a secret camera on him and tell him that Astro accidentally broke a camera and without hesitating he offered to pay the full 1.5k$ that camera was worth adsfjkasd what a pure gullible bean ;A;

ICONIC BASEBALL DDOCA THAT SLAYED ALL THE BINU STANS THERE EVER WERE i’m writing this from the grave

Cutest whine? He goes like aaAAa or something like that idk but he does it when he gets annoyed it’s the cutest thing ;;;;;

Literally the (^▽^) face

Mouth opens up into a really wide triangle, width depends on how embarrassed he gets

My favourite laugh in the entire universe

heck I’m so in love,,,

LOVES KIDS

during one ASC a baby came on and asked all of astro to go to their house to play for christmas eunwoo got out of his seat right away he was 1000% ready to run out of the studio and hop on that airplane

Actually a lil bitch lmao

“Haha u were going 2 sleep?? Nah stay up & watch me on vlive fam”

Makes fun of hyung line’s height i live for this

After arohas missed the “MJ” during the first fanchant he joked saying “why don’t y’all just come in on ‘jinjin’ instead?” #LetMJLive2k17 also #LetArohasLive2k17

Voice like moonlight

Need him singing??? Here

Titles his v-lives “차은우의 Just one 10 minutes” but they’re never 10 minutes they’re nearly an hour long

His voice is just really really soothing and comforting and if you ever need something to calm you down when you’re upset or if you need a background voice for when you’re studying here he is

Singing voice has improved so so so so so so much from Spring Up, his live singing shakes me to the core

Also sang opera in ASC so really hoo boy he’s improved so much I’m so !!! :’)

Literally can we pause and take a moment to appreciate his baby photos I looked like a rat when I was younger and here he is, snatching,

My favourite baby ever ajkdlhsfakjsdf i lovE

Did some modelling campaigns pre-debut

Shara Shara

I bet you needed all these pictures in your life

Cute lotion video :’)

Still king of CFs he recently did a baskin robbins one (with Yoo Seung Ho)

It’s pretty funny

He’s so cute what the heck

After the whole thing, he got addicted to ice cream; he mentioned in a vlive that at some point he could just eat sandwiches and ice cream the whole day

But fantagio also probably feeds all of astro ice cream for breakfast so really,

A Lafuma ad with Seolhyun (AOA)

A Polham ad with Doyeon (Weki Meki)

A Ceci spread with Doyeon too!!

A Lotte Water Park ad with Sejeong (Gugudan)

Won an award for best male CF smdh

Wears frickin glasses and makes everyone cry

That one DDOCA where it’s him preparing for a hit the top shooting I would like you to know that this is coming to you from the grave

Got scouted by a Fantagio recruiter when he was in middle school, then bugged into joining the fantz

He was the school president, in the top three of the entire school, wanted Seoul National University to become a judge bless his fuckin heart

Apparently rejected Fantagio the first couple times they asked, but gave in bless him thank god

Astro claimed pre-debut walking anywhere with him meant everyone doing double-takes

Re-enacted on ok!ready: sanha and mj talking in a coffeeshop then stopping and sTARING THE FUCK OUT OF EUNWOO LMAO

Literally blew up on male-dominated sites for being PRETTIER THAN THE FEMALE MCs AT SHOW!MUCORE

So pretty that Hello Venus thought he was prettier than them when starring in their video

Some weibo arohas describe him as the kind of handsome where “even if you’re already married, you’d still take a second glance at him if you passed by him on the street” ("那种虽然有老公了但是对路过的帅哥还是想多看两眼的感觉") I 10000% agree

weibo arohas also call him "车车" car car / cha cha i'm fuckinjasdfkjdf

In case you wanted a heart attack

Labelled a “Face Genius”, but wants to be acknowledged for more than his looks

“Someone who’s more reliable than anyone else and who always gives his all to the people he treasures, who’s very hard on himself and there are times where it gets too much but because of that, he’s someone who’s detailed and earnest.” (creds to @astrotranslations)

Dony on Weekly Idol called Rowoon (SF9) a face genius once but Rowoon politely deferred and said that title belonged to Cha Eunwoo :’)

Said once in an interview that he’d take whoever he likes out to dinner, give them a necklace then confess asdjfhlaskjd a true romantic bby

Also said that he was an “FM” boyfriend (field manual) asjdhflaksjd my heart is weak don’t attack me like this

You know what, Binu gets a section to themselves smdh

Just so you know, arohas didn’t come up with the name ‘Binu’, they came up with it (”Team Soap”) themselves

explained it by saying 빈 (Bin) + 우 (Woo) = 비누 (Soap)

Roommates!!

Picked each other in OK!Ready and have been living in the same room ever since

in the recent Night Night show they did Eunwoo said that if he could pick roommates again, he’d still pick Bin

Is apparently scentless to Bin

Smdh we all know what habituation is it’s bc he smells Eunwoo too much Eunwoo doesn’t have a specific smell anymore

Also together like 24/7 stuck to each other’s side if you’re looking for eunwoo ever just look for bin you’ll find him there

Bin claims Eunwoo is the most beautiful creature on earth tbh same

“Is he really human? How can someone that looks like him exist?”

Eunwoo thinks Bin is the most handsome too I love supportive friendships ;u;

IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN WAKE BIN UP AMAZING

Literally though sanha and jinjin posted a twitter video of them trying to wake bin up it doesn’t work it apparently only works when eunwoo gets him to wake up

Sleeps through sanha and jinjin prodding him but wakes up when eunwoo starts talking in a vlive

Bin said in the harper’s bazaar interview that he doesn’t wake up when the manager calls him to get up but his eyes naturally open when he hears Eunwoo sighing (creds to @astrotranslations)

Bin’s mom even sent in a concern to hello counsellor bc he wouldn’t stop sleeping and couldn’t wake up so really… eunwoo = magic?

Want more Binu? Here, here and here!

Friends with Mingyu from Seventeen

Mingyu called him once for advice on what to bring to the jungle since he too was going on law of the jungle

Said in Night Night that he gets cold really easily

Yet in OK!Ready (as pointed out by @jinwoostro) he stood outside waiting for Jinjin and Sanha to come even though he was freezing ;u;

A sweetheart!! Who cares so much !!!! for other members!!!!!!

Listen this boy works so hard and he does so much for a 20 year old: he models, he acts, he’s learning 3 other languages for Aroha, he handles university courses AND he still keeps up with astro’s promotions I’m really crying he’s worked so hard he deserves the world

Im rly fukcing criyng i gotta sotp i love this boy,

#astro #astro cha eunwoo #eunwoo #cha eunwoo #lee dongmin #astro eunwoo #dream team #it's here yall this took forever to do lm a o #we started this before the comeback ws announced i believe #heck i scrolled back we started this 7 Oct it's now 22 Nov #im laughing o god #vivi yells into the void

122 notes · View notes