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ironmandeficiency · 4 years

Text

who’s my commander

pairing: no pairing

word count: 3352

summary: you’re introducing anakin to your battalion and it turns into a nightmare of epic proportions (for him). everyone else seems to be enjoying themselves.

a/n: based on the finest pieces of comedy in history, abbot and costello’s “who’s on first”. the clones are all original & will soon give more information about them, don’t worry.

jones lands the laat/i on the surface of felucia and you’re already dreading the idea of leaving your men here. it has nothing to do with the man you’re entrusting them to and everything to do with the cursed reputation this planet has for its hostility. if you weren’t leaving your men behind you’d be glad to leave.

the doors opened unceremoniously and you were barely adjusted to the light when you saw members of the five-oh-first approaching you behind their general. “anakin, it’s been too long! how are you?”

he smiles and takes your hand in one of his. “i’ve been worse, my friend. now i’d like you to introduce me to your command team, since none of us have worked together before.”

rex, who was standing at anakin’s right, knew what was about to happen. many of the lavender-clad men of the 25th battalion were known for being jokers back in their cadet days and had a reputation for such all around the gar. nearly a third were banned from 79’s for their well-meaning antics and when they were around, everyone was guaranteed to have a good time (if they had a sense of humor, that is).

the names of their higher-ranking officers, however, were the best and longest-running prank any clone had ever seen. it started out as a way to piss off the longnecks but it soon evolved to a new, unforeseen method to screw with the seppies.

and now, it was going to mind fuck one of the best generals in the republic army.

“absolutely, but i will warn you, sometimes our men give themselves funny names.” it’s hard work to keep your voice from betraying the joke. you’ve done this song and dance often and it never stops being funny. this time, you hope one of your men are close enough to record this one. “names like crappemm, jort-“

“jort?”

“yes, and his batchmate ba.”

“i see.”

how was “jort” the one that stuck out?

anakin nods and you smile. He probably doesn’t believe the names you rattled off are actual men in your battalion but he’ll learn soon enough when your men begin to make sheep noises that you weren’t joking.

“anyway, who’s my commander, what’s my captain, and i don’t know is my sergeant.”

the dumbfounded look you’re given by your fellow general almost sends you into the force right then and there. “that’s... what i want to find out.”

“so listen then. who’s my commander, what’s my captain, and i don’t know is my sergeant.” you don’t need the force to see that anakin’s men are enjoying the confusion radiating from him, his second in command stepping out of anakin’s line of vision so he can bring a hand to his head in amused exasperation.

“are you their general?”

“yes.”

“have you been their general since the start of the war?”

“yes.”

“yet you don’t know their names?!”

“well i should.”

more men from both the twenty-fifth and the five-oh-first have gathered to witness the mind boggling conversation between their generals. over rex’s shoulder you see two five-oh-first troopers enthusiastically eating from a bag of air-combusted kernels popular on coruscant. now that you think about it, it’s been too long since you enjoyed the snack. you’d have to find some next time your men are on leave.

“so then who’s your commander?”

“yes.” he’s right but he just didn’t realize it yet. ‘this is going to be fun… if he doesn’t fight me before i leave.’

“i mean the man’s name.”

“who.”

“your commander?”

“who.”

“the trooper that is your second in command!”

“who.”

rex turns to the commander in question. he had found his way to rex’s side where the latter now stood slightly behind anakin, discretely staying out of his general’s peripherals. “does this ever get old?” rex had never seen the well-known introductions of jedi to the twenty-fifth in person and quickly decided that the holos he had seen didn’t do it justice.

“not really, since you never know what to expect from each general.” who pulls a holodisc from a pouch kept around his waist and turns it on, presenting it to the man beside him. it’s a picture of general windu, his face frozen in a stupefied daze of perplexion. “here’s our first moments with the 91st several months back. it was my favorite, but skywalker’s becoming a high contender for the best reaction in my book.”

rex removed his helmet and lightly thwacked who with it. “general skywalker’s a smart man, he’ll figure it out soon.”

general skywalker did not, in fact, figure it out soon.

“who is my commander!”

“i’m asking you who your commander is!” anakin was dumbfounded as to why you were asking him, a man who has never seen your troopers a day in his life, the name of your commander. he’d have to get kix to check you for a concussion before you left because this wasn’t normal.

you let out a good-natured sigh before continuing your explanation. at this point you could tell it was going to take anakin a little while to understand the concept of your men’s names and hoped that kit would be okay with you running a bit late for your rendezvous. “that’s the man’s name!”

“that’s who’s name?”

“yes.”

“well go ahead and tell me!”

“that’s it!”

“your commander’s who?”

“yes.”

lavender hurriedly shushed cornflower blue in mixed efforts to contain the laughter. if anakin noticed the commotion around him it wasn’t acknowledged, much to the relief of everyone privy to the scene playing out.

fives was most definitely recording his general making a fool of himself and intended to spread it like wildfire across the arc trooper communication channels. to fives’s distant left, a fellow arc trooper from your battalion was doing the same but in slightly better quality. see, because has been through this scenario plenty of times to know how to keep his footage from getting shaky. the five-oh-first arc trooper, however, had no such advantage, his hud shaking periodically from his chortling.

“look, all i’m trying to figure out is who responds when you’re calling for your commander!”

“yes!”

anakin fixes a glare on you and you returned it with more mirth than was probably warranted. the last time a fellow jedi had been so cross at this situation was back when you were working with master windu. the man had so little patience these days that if he still had hair, it’d have probably fallen out during your last encounter with him.

when because sends you the footage of this latest introduction, you’d have the perfect reason for your tardiness. you’d also be equipped with a way to make your former master smile and a bribe to convince kit to take you for a swim.

“look, general, all i’m trying to find out is what’s the name of your commander!”

“no, what’s the name of my captain!”

“i’m not asking who your captain is, i’m-“

“who’s my commander!”

“one trooper at a time!”

behind his helmet, fives is crying from holding his laughter, and it’d be a correct assumption that most of the five-oh-first is doing the same as well as some of the shinies of the twenty-fifth.

“don’t change my men around!”

“i’m not changing anyone!”

“take it easy there, anakin.”

anakin wouldn’t admit this to anyone, but he has no karking idea what kind of banthashit is going on here. “what’s the name of your commander?”

“no, what is my captain! i’ve said this already.”

“i’m not asking you who’s your captain!”

“who is my commander!”

“i don’t know!”

“he’s my sergeant, but we’re not talking about him right now.”

the sound of a helmet clattering to the ground draws your attention to where ba and jort are doing their best to silence a member of the five-oh-first with blue stripes on his face. the man in blue seems to be having a difficult time holding it together, judging by how he’s clutching his side and hunched, trying to fix his breathing.

anakin also turns toward the choking trooper and is worried when he sees hardcase almost on the ground. from what, anakin doesn’t know, but it doesn’t look good.

“he’s fine, generals! popping kernel just went down the wrong hole!” clever one, that jort was. always knew what to say at the right moment.

anakin, once he accepted that his man was okay, turned back toward you. if you weren’t so close to him you could fool yourself into thinking that his eye wasn’t twitching (it was).

“how did i bring up your sergeant?!”

“you mentioned his name, general.”

“if i mentioned your sergeant’s name, who did i say was your sergeant?”

you have to draw from the force to keep your expression neutral. maker, if you knew anakin would be this easily duped by your men, you would have requested to work with him much earlier into the war.

“he’s my commander.”

“what’s your commander?”

“what’s my captain.”

“i don’t know!”

“he’s my sergeant.”

“there i go, back to your sergeant!”

jesse’s hand snakes it’s way back into the bag of popping kernels kix held, the medic swatting at it blindly before moving the bag into the hand furthest from the cog-tatted man beside him. his eyes were glued to the scene in front of him, the general’s confusion making for wonderful entertainment. it made him forget for a moment that they were on felucia, also known as one of the worst hellholes a clone could be assigned to.

“all i’m trying to find out is who’s your sergeant?”

“why are you so insistent on making who my sergeant?” you can feel the force signatures of your men and at this moment, they’re so bright and happy it’s almost staggering.

“what am i making your sergeant?!”

“no, what is my captain, and who is my commander!”

“i don’t know!”

you remind skywalker the rank i don’t know holds with a quick shout of “sergeant!” and leave it there.

until anakin takes a deep breath to center himself, asking if you’ve got arc troopers.

“sure do.”

“give me their names.”

“why,-“ you try to give him the name of your arcs but he interrupts you before you can finish.

“i just thought i’d ask you!”

“well i just thought i’d answer you!”

anakin is losing his cool again and wonders to himself when you got so snarky. “then tell me who is your arc trooper-“

“who is my commander.”

“stop talking about your commander!”

if you weren’t such good friends with the jedi in front of you, it’d be safe to bet that you’d be sporting at least one black eye (if not a broken rib or two alongside it).

“give me an arc trooper’s name!” ‘now we’re getting somewhere!’ you think to yourself.

you answer him honestly, the same way you have been since you stepped off the laat/i. “why.”

“because!”

“oh, he’s an arc trooper too. how did you know?”

anakin sputters for a moment before quieting. he was trying to understand… whatever was going on. but so far, you weren’t giving him anything but a headache.

crappemm is approached by a member of the five-oh-first in arc gear. the man was surprisingly indistinct for a member of his battalion, no tattoos or facial hair to set him apart from the others. from what crappemm had seen and heard of the battalion he was set to work with on this hellhole, skywalker’s men were known for their out-of-this-box methods of setting themselves apart.

this one, however, seemed to keep things simple.

crappemm loves his crazy brothers, there was no doubt, but sometimes he can’t handle the constant noise and hubbub that chased his vod’e like flies chased honey. being around this one was refreshing, to say the least.

the arc trooper was amused by what was going on, but the difference between this one and the others was that he wasn’t letting his emotions take over. he kept his composure and was quiet, the only thing breaking the stoicism was a smirk and the occasional light shaking of his shoulders. crappemm was gonna stick around this one.

“please tell me this is really happening and i’m not hallucinating.” the lavender man was so caught up in enjoying the lack of cackling from beside him that he almost missed the words directed to him from the man in blue.

“well vod,” crappemm set a hand on the arc’s shoulder with a grin, “i’m happy to report that this is actually happening in real time.”

the arc sighed in relief. “thank you. i didn’t think i was capable of thinking of something this bloody crazy but it’s nice to be sure. the name’s echo.” echo extended a hand toward him and the other happily accepted it.

“crappemm.” they fall into an easy, comfortable silence as they enjoy the generals that were still going at it.

“look! you got a lieutenant?”

“sure.”

“the lieutenant’s name?”

“tomorrow.”

anakin was flabbergasted. he might as well ask one of your men for his name if you weren’t going to tell him. then again, what reason did you have to not tell him right then? “you’re not going to tell me today?”

“i’m telling you today.”

“then go ahead, tell me.”

“tomorrow.”

“what time?”

“what time what?” anakin was beginning to talk you into circles, which is something no one has ever been able to do the entire time you’ve played this game with your men. you weren’t supposed to be the one asking questions, that was his part in this!

“what time tomorrow are you going to tell me who your lieutenant is?”

ah, that’s what he meant. “now listen, who is not the lieutenant.”

your fellow general threw his arms up in frustration barely contained. “i’ll break your arm if you say who’s your commander one more time! i wanna know, what’s the lieutenant’s name?”

“what’s my captain’s name!”

“i don’t know!”

“sergeant!”

you can tell it’s getting harder for some of the men to not give in to the urge to shriek and guffaw and cackle and roll on the ground holding their sides. sithspit, it’s getting hard for you to keep a straight face through all of this.

nearby, commander who shakes his head at the captain of the five-oh-first. “i thought you said your general would get it, rex.” the tease was evident in his voice and it wouldn’t have taken a genius to know just how much he was taking pride in his jetti’s ability to fuck with “the hero with no fear” so profoundly.

rex shrugged noncommittally. “i thought he would’ve understood by now too, but i guess not.”

who chortled and patted rex’s shoulder almost in sympathy (a vod that didn’t know who as well as he did would have thought so, but not rex). he playfully pushed the hand away and refocused his attention to his general.

“so if i were going down the chain of command, the first one i’d give orders to would be who?”

“now that’s the first thing you’ve said right since i got here!” you don’t even acknowledge the fact he said this as a question because he was right! finally!

anakin didn’t seem to like your reply. that was made clear when he shouted, almost at the top of his lungs, “i don’t even know what i’m talking about!”

there were a few snorts of laughter from all sides and some of yours were smart enough to make some sort of noise to cover them up. if anakin caught on now, the whole thing would be screwed.

“all you gotta do is give the orders to the commander!”

“and who’s going to act on the orders?”

“naturally.” you think he’s starting to get it but you aren’t sure. he’s getting closer though, which is a relief as much as it is bringing an end to the prank.

“look! when i have to give a command, somebody’s gonna have to act on it! who carries out the order?!” wait a minute, never mind. he was still oblivious. if kit didn’t like this video he was going to have your ass for being late. you’ve gotta at least try to help the poor guy now that your ass is on the line (you’ve never had to do this before, usually whatever general gets too exasperated to keep it going as long as anakin has).

“naturally.”

“naturally?” he asks once again.

“naturally.” you confirm.

he ponders this for a moment before continuing, “so i should expect my order to be carried out by naturally.”

“no, you don’t! it gets done by who!”

“naturally.”

“that’s different.”

he was using naturally as a name instead of a state of being, a description, which is what you were trying to get through his head. however, it was having the opposite effect.

jort has never heard this particular turn of events and he was thinking that after today, there would be a shiny named naturally that would make his way into the affections of question company. he honestly couldn’t wait for the day and told ba and hardcase the same. they nodded and ba had thrown out the number designation of a shiny that had been weaseling his way into his good side as a good candidate for the name before returning their attention to the fiasco that was their generals.

“that’s what i said!”

“you’re not saying that!”

“i give the command to naturally!”

“you give the command to who!”

“naturally.”

“that’s it.”

“that’s what i said!”

how much longer was this going to last? kit said he needed you for something time-sensitive and you had to set time aside for the mishaps that you knew would always happen when you went to do important stuff. you were a magnet for weird shit happening and this conversation is a symbol of said weird shit.

with a deep breath, you continue. “listen. you ask me.��

anakin’s reply was quick and certain. where did he get the confidence to talk like he knew what he was talking about? probably an obi-wan thing. “i give the order to naturally.”

‘ugh, not this again!’ “no you don’t, you give it to who!”

“i give the order to who?”

“naturally.”

“same as you!” it’s not the same context but it seems that anakin is too busy trying to wrap his mind around this insanity to put the pieces together.

“okay,” anakin continues, “i give the order to who and whoever goes and passes the order to what! what sends it down to i don’t know, and i don’t know passed the information to tomorrow!! perfect flow of command!”

you nod, encouraging him to keep going.

“now let’s say i need some recon done before we make a plan of attack.” anakin’s trying to analyze the shitshow you threw in front of him as logically as he can with the budding headache. “i give an order to because! why? i don’t know, and i don’t kriffing care!”

that last bit was unexpected. “what’d you say?”

“i said, ‘i don’t kriffing care!’”

“oh, he’s our best sniper.”

anakin let out a yell of anger and bafflement you’d never heard from him before. you turned toward the laat/i waiting patiently for you to board and climbed in, sending a trickster’s smile to the men you were leaving behind.

your friend had clearly given up, his head almost dropping from his inability to comprehend whatever it was you were going on about. he’d figure out their names on his own since you weren’t going to be of any help.

while en route to where kit had wanted you to meet him, you received a holocomm from a mirthful general kenobi who could barely contain his laughter. he must have seen the holo of his former padawan you reasoned. he promised to not share it with other generals as long as you found another way to bring anakin down a couple pegs next time you saw him.

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