It's ya boi popping in from nowhere to post selfies and then probably disappear for months again, I hope you all are doin at least a little bit better than shitty

I’m writing when my schedule allows! Sorry I’m having to lump days together- but here’s 14 & 15. ☺️

Autism Acceptance Month

Day 14!

“Routine”

Good topic!!

We love routine & structure. Breaks from said routine should come with plenty advance warning, usually, because even if it’s an activity we love, if you spring it on us suddenly, we will likely be less than thrilled. (For example, one beautiful summer morning we approached my youngest and said “let’s go to King’s Dominion today!”...he was about 8. KD is one of his favorite places. But he had already started gaming and was *pissed* about the change of plans. I myself only have two scenarios where I take a sudden change in plans in stride: military/high stress situations, and if it’s my idea. Like if I go INTO a situation knowing things might change on a whim, like chaotic times or what to do on any given vacation day, I usually roll with it really well.) Some auties are better with this than others - remember, we’re all different - if you’ve been reading along since the beginning, you’ll remember I said we all sort of have a “mixing board”, and specific traits are at different levels in different people...and it also tends to ebb and flow as we age.

“Routine” also encompasses what we expect in our immediate environment, to me. I remember when I was a kid and my Momaw (grandmother who mostly raised me) changed her frames on her glasses from those black hornrims to more delicate frames, and the lenses were a different shape, too.

Oh. My. God. I hated it. I HATED it. To this day, I scowl when I think about it. It upset me so badly. She was my rock, my steady - and when her appearance changed, I had a very visceral reaction. I don’t remember if I was ever able to articulate what was wrong, but she must have figured it out, because from there on out when she changed her glasses, I was involved in picking new ones. (That made it SO much easier to accept.) On the same topic, my husband has kept his head shaved since well before I met him. He was still in the Marines when I met him (I had just gotten out 3 months prior), and the man I fell in love with had a shaved head and clean face. Since he’s gotten out, I get uncomfortable when he lets his hair get too long...I’ve gradually come to accept and even appreciate his goatee, but when the rest of his facial or head hair gets long between cuts, it makes me squirm. I am usually more distant when he’s all shaggy - it’s not that I think he looks bad, it’s just that it’s not my familiar guy. (Oh and it *is* a sensory issue. I hate the way facial hair feels when it touches my face - mustaches are particularly offensive.)

But back on “daily routine”....this intense love of the structure *again* comes in handy with the behaviorally challenged and traumatized dogs I work with. (Oh yeah - it came in handy raising two autie boys, too, obviously.) I’m hyperobservant of dogs’ behavior & realized early on that disruptions in routine caused upset or even chaos. Dogs who were not destructive became destructive. Dogs who were calm and measured became frantic. So even when *i* get more relaxed about routines, I am cognizant of the fact that it upsets *them*, and we make adjustments for that. Structure and routine are the bedrocks of working with a “broken” dog. Predictability is key until trust and confidence is gained.

Our love of routine and structure also comes in handy in the military. Of course there are times when a lot of unexpected shit happens, but like...you still have a *mission*, if that makes sense, so shit that happens while accomplishing that mission is whatever (again, same with dogs). Adapt and overcome.

But let’s talk just daily (civilian) life, right?

If I don’t set my alarm early enough to drink a good bit of coffee (slowly and undisturbed) and get used to the idea, for about an hour, that I’m awake and now must Person, it’s a bad day, ‘tater. I don’t care if I have to get up at 3 am to have that hour before work or travel, I NEED that hour. Sometimes I wonder how I made it through motherhood...(I guess once again, when it’s important enough, you just suck it up, buttercup). I also have my evening routines that are important, as did my kidlets, growing up.

Screwing with those routines usually means short tempers, hatred of everything around you, sometimes meltdowns, and just an all around bad time for everyone involved.

So if you have auties in your life, understand that they may *need* that nap during that *specific* time of day, meals should be in certain timeframes, and so on. We all have our little rituals, too, and when those are disrupted, we get disgruntled. We tend to resist changes...even introducing a new food dish or, say, not having spaghetti on Tuesdays when you usually have spaghetti on Tuesdays, your favorite mug not being available for use/lost/broken & now you have to use a different one, not getting to shower before work if that’s your usual, things like that can cause MASSIVE anxiety. I don’t know about other people’s Autie kids, but I know MINE handled routine disruption/change *so* much better when *involved* in the change. Like, sorry that it’s bedtime, but you have choices in what jammies you want to wear, what story you want read, and so on. I know I’m making a new thing for dinner tonight - how about you come help me make it? Stuff like that.

So...I’m ending this post rather abruptly awkwardly & I’m aware it’s a little redundant and scattered, but it was written over the course of 2 days because I’m busy with a dog and a stressed out teenager lately. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Sorry about that!

————————————-

Day 15!

“Everyone should know”...

I could probably keep adding to this post daily. Sigh.

Everyone should know even nonverbal autistics have something to say - you should read their blogs & find out. Everyone should know it offends and hurts us when you treat us as lesser somehow - especially if we know we’re smarter than you, to be frankly honest. Everyone should know autism is a *developmental* “disorder”, NOT an intellectual one - the weirdest, hand flapping, rocking, screeching, seeming mess of an Autie might be one of the most brilliant writers you’ve ever read - I’m dead serious. Everyone should know we all have a voice but sometimes do need some help finding it (and “voice” doesn’t mean just speaking.) Everyone should know talking about autism like it’s an “epidemic” that needs to be “eradicated” invalidates our very existence, and I don’t think I need to expound on what that must feel like, yes? Everyone should know that most (maybe all, idk) of us *would not change* the fact that we are autistic - we aren’t “suffering” with it, YOU are, apparently. We’re occasionally *frustrated* with our brains, but a whole lot more comfortable with how we are than a lot of neurotypicals seem to be. Everyone should know that if someone seems “mildly autistic” (which is what is said about me by people who don’t KNOW me 🙄), know that YOU experience my autism mildly - I don’t. We KNOW you don’t approve...we either hide (mask), or we flip you the big middle finger and say “too damn bad” - and both are usually true with autistic women. (Lots of us start off trying to fit in, but really run out of patience with it. I’ve noticed most of the boys don’t seem to give a flying shit about “fitting in” from jump street LOL...) Everyone should know a LARGE percentage of us are NOT heterosexual. Everyone should know neurodivergence has always been within the human species - it’s just we have more names for shit now, and it’s a little more more socially acceptable to be different, so there are more people “living out loud”, as it should be. Everyone should know that lots of delayed autistic kids grow up to be brilliant scientists and engineers and contribute massively to society - look at Einstein. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Everyone should know we’re human beings, and should be treated as such. xx

Yippee! It’s episode three!

@izzyisahufflepuff @firesidoni @yesharrypotterlover123blr

Transcript under cut:

Welcome to AWA. Today’s episode is going to be slightly different because Liz is ill so I’ll be handling your questions solo. Hopefully I’ll do okay.

izzyisahufflepuff said:

“I just saw your tips for toothbrushing, and though they're very helpful, can you offer some tips as to how I can stop forgetting to/coming up with excuses not to brush my teeth? please and thank you”

Now what I generally recommend is something like habitica or similar apps that sort of provide little incentives in a game like structure. Wouldn’t say gamify I hate that word an irrational amount. But that’s something that’s worked for me in the past. Or something like writing down a little schedule for yourself could work quite well. That’s about as much as I’ve got for that one really. Just try and establish a routine through an app or a more old fashioned method. But whatever you do, try to go a couple of days in a row of doing a thing and you should start to adjust hopefully.

Next Question: firesidoni says

“I generally have a terrible time making out what people are saying when there's much background noise - I have a hard time turning the noise into words. Is this (potentially) an autism thing, or just a me thing?”

It’s definitely not a you thing. That’s something where I’ll definitely have a problem hearing people if there’s a lot going on. I tend to withdraw and things like that ‘cause it can be hard to pick out one particular set of sounds and interpret them so you’re not alone there. As for dealing with it I don’t have an answer for you there, I just avoid those situations where I can.

yesharrypotterlover123blr said

“Hi I'm autistic. I try following blogs and debating people, but I wind up offending people accidently. I don't feel comfortable saying it's autism, because it might not be (as I'm very sheltered and privileged/rich/white), + it sounds like an excuse (regardless of the situation in question) but I'm sick of seeing privileged neurotypicals get the benefit of the doubt just for being tactful. Any advice?”

Ok, for not offending people I guess one thing that really helps is just well sometimes I’ll go “right I won’t discuss this issue” if it’s sort of an emotive topic. One thing that really can cause problems, I think this came up in a previous episode, is when you’re interested in an abstract debate on an issue. A lot of people can get this, neurotypicals as well. People like looking at issues in the abstract and going about it in a thought experiment sort of way when the person they’re trying to have the conversation with is saying “this happened to me, this is an experience I had”.

The question is: is this a person who’s talking about – if you look at someone’s blog and they’re talking about had or have on a regular or semi-regular basis. I might post, I don’t know, money’s really tight or something like that, or alternatively on familiar ground someone might talk about sensory issues. You wouldn’t want, I’m sure, lots of us post about that kind of thing but you wouldn’t want somebody replying to that saying let’s start a long proper debate about how you feel. So that’s sometimes how trying to debate people comes across I think.

Because sometimes the best response isn’t a debate. It’s not necessarily what you want, it seems you like debating, but what’s sometimes best is saying “that sucks” rather than saying “but does it happen like that” or “is your experience really valid”. That can just, I think, get in the way. That means you’re not going to get a good faith debate because you could maybe say on a particular issue I’m not sure that…

There’s a difference between disagreeing on a solution for a societal problem, which is fine it happens every day it’s perfectly healthy, and disagreeing that something is a problem in the first place. It’s quite possible and healthy to have a discussion about the former, “right you know, this is an issue how do we get past it” there aren’t always cut and dried answers to these questions.

The trick is at least start out saying “that sucks how can things get better” rather than “did this really happen, was this an issue, was that person…” I don’t know, running dry on examples but I think maybe do something like put up on your blog, I don’t know if you have already, something about “I like debating” and maybe post an invitation, put a post up on your blog or add a little line on your profile “I’m open for a proper theoretical debate, theoretical conversation”

I think there’s impassioned conversations about social justice and there’s debates about these things and there’s room for both, but you’ve got to set parameters for a debate. Like in schools and colleges debate clubs don’t just spring up. They’ve got to be formalised. You say we’ll set up here, go by these rules, and not make things too personal, that’s great that’s fine but a real problem lies when people take that kind of debate club mentality, that debate club ethos and expect it to apply in every situation.

It doesn’t sound like you’re falling into that trap you want to engage people in a respectful way, you’re trying to work out how to do that so kudos to you. The main thing is you’ve got to set the parameters. Say “this is a call for debate so get in my inbox, comment on my post and we can start that conversation”. I think that could happen. Might not be that successful but you’ve got a better shot with that because sometimes you might end up derailing a more personal subjective conversation about social justice and things like that with a demand for an entirely different kind of conversation.

It’s how, I think, things can get out of hand it’s two very different styles of discussing issues and I guess that’s what you’ve got to be really clear on. You can always say “sorry I was looking at it in an abstract kind of way, I wasn’t trying to minimise what you’re going through or the issue”. You can always say “sorry I’m looking at it a bit too abstract you guys carry on”, or alternatively try to look at it from the other person’s pov. How you’d feel if somebody tried to put an abstract spin on something personal to you. I’ve started rambling so that’s as much as I’ve got on that I think.

There is a long question on here. It’s a three parter and it sounds kind of thorny so I’m probably going to be spending the rest of the episode responding to this and working out what to say.

“Hello guys, I was wondering how you feel about polyamory. As a queer autistic boy in a big group of friends (including my partner) who are all allistic nb, queer, and polyamorous (no one’s dating each other, just friends), I feel very left out in a way, because my brain is incredibly hierarchical. I find that I can only have one (1!!!) best friend at a time, and I can only love ONE person (i.e my partner). How can I unlearn this hierarchal thinking? It feels absolutely impossible

but I hate feeling left out (a big source of anxiety for me). People often (my friends and partner included) seem to make polyamory seem like a more Moral alternative, and that monogamy, on the other hand is a Conscious Choice one has to be Determined to make? This feels alien and a bit upsetting to me. And even though my partner says that just because you love 1 person doesn't mean you love someone else more, you can love equally, but this concept I just cannot grasp.

It's as hard to me to understand, as it is for humans in general to imagine colours we've never seen. It's impossible. But I feel kinda guilty and immoral, as if I'm not as emotionally developed as them or something, and as if I'm "possessive" because I can't handle my partner dating someone else than me WHILE they're dating me? My partner isn't actively polyamorous when they’re with me ‘cause they know it'd upset me but still... I don’t wanna be the autie weirdo.. I don’t know what to do”

And breathe. Right, that sounds like a fraught sitch. Thing is I know lots of my friends who are poly and many of the things you’ve mentioned, and I think that frankly I’m sure Liz would back me up on this, acting all as if it’s a better choice is just daft. It’s plain daft is what it is. Looking at alternative forms of relationships to monogamy is really interesting. It works really well for some people but not for others. Some people have, you can have vastly different levels of comfort, different thresholds for jealousy without being a controlling person, without being a bad or insecure person. It’s okay that you feel that there’s one person you want to be with and you don’t want to date anyone else or have your partner date anyone else.

It’s fine. And that could be the way you feel for the rest of your life or you could change your mind, but whatever feels right in that relationship is the right call. There’s no higher or better form of a relationship and anybody who says otherwise is leading you astray I think. I think that there’s a good chance with a lot of people who wouldn’t be comfortable being polyamorous and going for it anyway I feel like there’s, if you feel you’d get possessive, then simply trying to switch to a different form of relationship wouldn’t make it go away, it might just manifest in a different way. It doesn’t sound like you’re being a bad or possessive person at all.

Lots of people have a small amount of people they’re close to in friendship and romance. Lots of people have one partner and one best friend. That’s a really common thing and sometimes people can be a bit elitist about it and a bit, “oh I’m doing a different thing I’m standing out”. It could be that they’re not trying to say the form of their relationship is an inherently moral choice, might just be it’s the right thing for them. There’s a point halfway through about talking about monogamy as a conscious choice. They’re both conscious choices. Choosing to remain with one person choosing to be with multiple people, that’s a conscious choice. But choosing something that’s different to the mainstream isn’t necessarily a better thing nor a worse thing. The only way to make that kind of decision is based around your emotional well-being and your partner’s emotional well-being.

That’s the only thing that really matters there. Tis important to just do what makes you happy. There’s no more right or wrong answer than that. It sounds like you’re someone who’d be much more comfortable being monogamous. It sounds like you wouldn’t be happy with that, it would make you feel less happy in the relationship and even if you feel like you said to your partner “alright let’s try a different tac”, if you’re just doing that to make them happy and you’re uncomfortable with it, chances are they’d notice your discomfort and that would have a knock on effect.

I feel like if you think it’s a thing you can handle or go for, and would be genuinely interested in it then go for it, but going down that path because of what sounds like peer pressure is a really bad way to go I think. It’s got to be about what’s right for you what’s right for your partner and I don’t think it’s necessarily autism at the root of it. It may have something to do with it. But you don’t have to unlearn any thinking.

You don’t have to change. The thing is if it is down to disability then anybody expecting you to change a part of yourself change a part of your thinking is being really gross I think. That’s plain weird. Be yourself, there’s no better person to be. There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s nothing less moral about you. You’re trying to do what’s right for your emotional well-being. It doesn’t sound like you’re judging others, it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything negative towards anyone.

You keep on going the way you’re going. It might be a good idea to talk to your friends about how they may come across and how it feels like they’re pushing it as a superior thing. I guess a lot of people fall into monogamy by default but you’re someone who knows the options there, knows the choices they’ve got and you seem to know what makes you feel comfortable. There’s a point to make that people default to monogamy but for some people it seems like you included, it seems like the right way to go.

That’s the last question in the inbox and that just about wraps up the show.

Somehow I’ve manage to talk to about as long as our regular show just on my lonesome. I was tempted to fill in for Liz by occasionally doing an impression but I think they’d probably end up listening and I’m not sure they’d appreciate it. So it’s tarrah for now until next time dear listeners.

That was Adulting with Autism, a very Nick centric special.

Take care.

Day 16!

“Work/school”

Well...EDS robbed me of my ability to work 3-4 years ago, but I can tell you about prior stuff.

I started off going to college right out of high school, but realized I was just burning through money, because I had no idea what to major in - I have *too many* interests, and most of them don’t really translate to a well paying job...not enough to warrant the expense of the education, anyway. If higher education wasn’t so expensive in this country, I would be one of those people who just sort of...collects degrees, though. I daydream of that often...but, thanks to my oldest son, I’m sort of vicariously gaining a bit of higher ed in Physics, one of my *favorite things evarrrrrrr* (but I trip so badly over the math, so idk if I’d ever get far, myself). He sends me pics of his notes, video clips, and when he’s home, we love to sit down while he walks me through all the equations and the processes (and when he explains them to me, it helps him get an even deeper grasp of it sometimes, so it’s good for both of us ☺️). Quantum physics/mechanics and theoretical physics are 🤯 to me, and I can’t get enough! Astrophysics is pretty damn cool, too. One of my favorite things ever is when we nerd out together on this stuff. I remember when he was in high school and first started being interested in it...I was so excited I could barely contain myself (I was already very much obsessed with these sciences), and watched with delight and excitement as his passion grew. I remember he brought home this like 10-15 question beginner physics quiz he took when he first started, that he handed to me. “Can you answer these?” he says, as he hands the paper to me. “Fuck YEAH I can!!!” So I excitedly went down the list - there was only one question I wasn’t sure about (and I think it had to do with thermodynamics but I don’t quite remember)...I just remember HE got so excited that I was already familiar with stuff (like particles and waves), and it was in that moment that we just...gained this incredible connection that still makes me feel all gooshy inside. Physics isn’t the only science that gets me excited, but I’ve written enough about that for now 🙃...

So. Yeah. Maybe someday I’ll win the lottery, go back to school, and probably just stay there LOL...

You guys have already heard me ramble about the Marines, so I’ll leave that part out...

So my work history is similar to my school history, I guess. Rather scattershot. Since I know my keenest interests won’t make me a ton of money (without a degree) or aren’t really necessarily *career* choices, I’ve been fairly comfortable with...idk. Trying things out that I wanted to do, because being rich and having “things” just doesn’t...well, I personally don’t understand the draw, and it has never been a real goal. I’m flying high if I can pay the bills on time LOL...I have to leave the rest of the financial planning to someone else, because I just...don’t...care enough. The things I care about in life *require* money (what doesn’t), but obtaining personal wealth just to have more of it/more “things” baffles me (you can do your “grind” to have your “fat stacks” - my interests lie well outside of material gain, and this is something we just won’t connect on. Your Birkin bag and sweet ride mean positively zero to me as far as how I look at you as a person...except for the fact that I think it’s bizarre for someone to spend tens of thousands on a purse or shoes, and I question their logic lmao). I’m not sure I’ll ever know what it feels like to just want to be rich, and damn near kill yourself to obtain that big house and nice cars and designer clothes or whatever. I like nice things too, but frankly I’d rather actually live my life? I’m not gonna be here long...it makes zero sense to me to break myself for the material gain of “things” (and people who do that, actually upset me a bit. I feel like they’re missing the point....or, it makes me sad to think that their existence is so empty that things like labels and status symbols are what they’re hyperfocused on, what matters the most to them). That being said, I DO enjoy the *immaterial* gains - respect, love, making animals and humans happy and whole, growing my mind, sharing my experiences and knowledge for the benefit of others. This probably sounds way too candy coated and cheesy to believe, but it’s easy to prove through my actions. This is *genuinely* what matters to me.

My first couple jobs were not my speed, but I did learn a lot about how companies run (from an administrative & bookkeeping standpoint), and that’s been sort of my “fall back on” career, since - but it makes me really, really unhappy to be stuck behind a desk, even if the work is fairly interesting or challenging. I’ve also been a horse stable manager, an exercise jockey for race horses (shattered pelvis ended that venture though), worked in an exotic pet store (I LOVE reptiles!!!!), and dabbled in nearly every trade in the construction industry (I am the quintessential “Jack of All Trades, Master of None”)...eventually landing in a position that I was very comfortable with - superintendent/jobsite manager for a smaller residential company. The job was always different from day to day, so I had little time to get bored. I guess that’s the big hangup - i don’t like being bored at my job. (I don’t like being bored, period, but rarely am...even though I live out in the middle of nowhere and don’t have gainful employment anymore. I have tons of interests involving animals, art, and building/creating, plus I love to read and learn. Or take walks through the woods and photograph tiny environments. Train and rehab dogs. Remote train and help people as far away as the UK. If I’m bored, I’m probably just being lazy.)

I’ve realized - and come to learn that many auties share this with me - that working alone or with a very small group of people is ideal. We all have our different strengths and interests, but jobs that keep our brains engaged and keeps us out of “general human traffic” are much preferred. I often wonder how many auties are also actually add/adhd, or if it’s just another facet in our prism. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s both a bane, and a boon, depending on the situation.

You’re HIGHLY likely to come across *a lot* of Auties in STEM fields...or lurking in warehouses and stockrooms, content to be left alone with their thoughts or music while they sort and pack. There are also a crapload of autistics in the creative arts - writing, music, acting, painting, and so on. You are UNLIKELY to find many auties in mundane tasks that require little thinking, long term.

One of my favorite bits from a Temple Grandin lecture was something about how over half of NASA would be gone without autistics, and back in caveman days, it wasn’t the social gabby gabbies around the campfire who were thinking up new tools and weapons - it was us antisocial weirdos off to one side whose brains *just never shut off*. 🤷🏻‍♀️ This is why I struggle to understand the people who think autism is some sort of ...horrible plight that’s descended on the human species. You’d be screwed without us, and I don’t care if that sounds arrogant, because it’s true. We might be weird and make you uncomfortable sometimes, but we do some DAMN cool shit. We just might prefer to do it in ways that don’t make sense to you. It doesn’t HAVE to make sense to you - WE don’t have to make sense to you (and we probably won’t anyway, so why do you keep trying? Try just accepting instead).

I’ve been slowly collecting links to Autie blogs, artistic works, scientific contributions, and so on. When I’m satisfied that it’s a broad cross section of who we are and what we do/contribute to society, I’ll share it...but in the meantime...

We might be more comfortable within certain parameters (like, “can I please keep the fluorescent lights off in my office”), but shoooo lawd, don’t sell us short on anything else. Just cut us loose and let us do our thang. ☺️