It shouldn't need to be said but I'm seeing a lot of vitriol towards Ashton about their actions and I have to say I don't agree with them.

At the clock tower Fearne brought up the shard, stated that in her opinion Ashton should take the shard because she didn't want it. Ashton decided then as a result they'd take it, but because it was an extreme risk made very aware to them all they knew the other Hells wouldn't allow them to go through with it. Ashton asked Fearne if she was okay with both of them going together alone with the plan, reiterating that they didn't want to put this on Fearne, that if they died Fearne would not be to blame, and that they have no intention of dying, and Fearne said yes.

Fearne having second thoughts at the Ziggurat was just worry, because she cares deeply for Ashton, Ashton kissing her was not manipulation either; it was letting go of fear, having no regret with the person they also care deeply for and taking the risk. And yeah, it was frightening, 10 rounds of perpetual fiery near-death situations and one actual death situation; Laura is fuming, Ashley cannot look, Liam is playing Mad World on loop in his mind, even Matt is completely on edge, but they survived. Accusations that Ashton manipulated Fearne to selfishly take the shard seem to misinterpret the shard saga as well as Fearne and Ashton's characters, they will get a very intense amount of chastising for sure, but it will be out of love, out of the fear that they were going to lose them, not because they thought Ash was manipulative.

I'm trusting you when you say canary is gonna have it light from here on out but I do wonder how the 141 will like react when they find out they betrayed someone so close and loyal like the one thing they're very big on is unconditional loyalty especially to family and to find out they did the very thing that they despise I'm excited to see how they deal with it I'm also excited to see how gaz personally will because he's been loyal to the end so I can imagine him being like " wtf guys this is what you did to my bestie apologize 😕😤"

but idk something in me say's some of them probably don't see what they did as wrong like I feel like someone is gonna deflect and be like " well shit we had reason to we saw it with our eyes" like that's an excuse especially since it's like... well what did you think he was gonna do let her parade the stage like a beaten potato? Ofc he lied to you and made her seem ok! He's a liar!! You fool

And I also think price knows this and won't put with anyone treating her bad from here on out and I can only imagine how shitty he feels like yo best girl just thrown to the wolves by your own accord because you fell for the same lies she warned you about (major trust issues see a therapist bro) like I'd die from guilt

Also he said something about "finding her" like dude where the hell were you looking?? And for a long time??? You didn't think to check the few places she mentioned or where graves was?? As if she literally didn't run away because she knew he would come for her and literally told you that she couldn't be there because of that and was in danger like??!?!??!!???!!!? Also going back to that no one followed her ?? No one tracked down the car ? And saw the scene?? Like there was to many things backing up her case for everyone to just turn on her especially after all that she explained even if it was a tiny bit someone was doing overtime to make sure she looked as guilty as possible

But yeah Sorry if this was mad long but I'm literally throwing up, chewing my nails, rocking back and forth, and kicking my feet this such a juicy heart racing story 🫶🏾🤍

that's actually going to be a very big talking point in the next few chapters because family's the most important thing to them, right? it's family above all else, the money, the business, everything. and a big part of that is because price doesn't run his business through fear and manipulation like makarov and graves, he relies on trust and loyalty which makes for a stronger crew. and now, here's someone who has been unconditionally loyal to them (moreso than some of their own people) and they've not only betrayed her but outright mistreated and punished her. that's going to cause some major in-house problems esp regarding gaz who has never once doubted her.

there will be talks about both sides, because yes, from their side it can look suspicious and there's just enough evidence for them to make that leap in deduction, but i don't think anyone would excuse what's happened just because of that. i think the bigger issue would be admitting that graves was able to manipulate them enough to think canary was a traitor, esp when so many of them think they're smarter than him.

i know we've all established that canary and ghost are gonna go through it™️, but oh man price. he's gonna need to have his own healing journey just from the guilt and the blame he's (rightfully) putting on himself. like to straight up accuse canary of lying about what graves put her through while she's sitting there trying to hide the bruises from him??? i can imagine he wouldn't stand for anyone mistreating her, but i also think he's gonna have a hard time facing her.

there'll be more on that and what the 141 was doing in general during those five months in the next couple of chapters, because you're right!! it's incredibly suspicious that no one found her, that no one tracked the car, or that looking into graves wasn't the first thing they did 👀

no worries, i enjoy the long asks and all of the theories and questions!! makes me feel like kicking my feet and twirling my hair 💜

"Everyone has their vices"

How to determine if you're going through a difficult time:

Stop all your medications against your therapist's advice, since the last one you tried made you want to kill yourself.

End your first relationship, during which you spent 80% of your free time with that person exclusively. Proceed to have limited close friendships.

Overbook your schedule with 3 jobs, 2 time-consuming clubs, difficult classes, and a new honor society that makes you feel shiny, but will take up so much of your time. Attempt to make new friendships, while never seeing your truly close friends, your roommates.

Spend 3-weeks in your hometown. This forces you to slow down, put a halt to the momentum. You may actually being to realize that you're struggling. You may actually reach out to loved ones, have meaningful conversations about the support you need, or at least reach an understanding about how you're not perfect, and, hey, maybe you don't need to be.

As soon as you consider getting back on medication, hop on a plane to Italy. You're going abroad for 8 weeks with people you don't know, in a place where you don't know the language, doing a project that you don't enjoy.

You don't stop being sad in Europe. I learned this the hard way. I am learning* this the hard way. Venice is mystical -- I continue to get lost in the narrow passageways and romantic bridges that divide the city into fractiles. And, it's not a home. I think even if I was happy, it feels offputting. There are no trees or grass in any real sense, and the resulting air quality has irritated my lungs. The canal water is murky, and often smells of sewage or fish. The people are, well, non-existent. That's not true. It was charmingly/eerily quiet prior to Carnival, which is when all hell broke loose. Those skinny walkways became bloated with people in puffer jackets and backpacks and masks. It would probably be fun in a lot of different circumstances. If, for example, I had ever intended on traveling here. But, of course, this location was not my choice. It never was. The place where I was supposed to go, deemed (rightfully) too unsafe to travel to by my university, was also not where I wanted to go, but at least I had prepared myself for it. I set the expectations, and I was disappointed by the change in plan. This all manifests itself as ungrateful, I'm aware of that. I am lucky to have this experience, and I have had a lot of laughs, and made good friends while here, but it still does not discount the sour emotions which have bubbled to the surface.

I won't bore you with the details, but I feel like I didn't know the extent to which I could hate myself before coming on this trip. I can't do anything right, according to myself. The self-hatred feeds the anxiety, which prevents me from doing what I want to do or say or act how I want, which feeds the depression. It's a positive feedback loop of negativity.

I tried to do a lot before telling my parents. I know that they would never be mad at me for being upset, they've dealt with troubled children before. But they worry about me, and I never really give them enough to show them not to worry about me, texts and phone calls are few and far between. But I hit a wall when I was traveling, we went to Bologna. Everything that could have gone wrong, did. I wasted money on train I didn't take, our plans kept falling through, I kissed a girl at the club which made the two guys I was with go strangely quiet on the ride home. I felt like my nerves were shot. We woke up that Sunday morning at 5:30 to catch a bus and then a train and then another bus (when they say it's easy to travel in Europe, they're lying) to the Ferrari Museum, which I honestly had no interest in going to. So, we boarded that bus, with the dredges of clubgoers returning home, and I just sobbed. I took a train back to Venice, and called my parents to tell them everything I've been feeling.

Self-medication. That was my mother's recommendation to me. "Go find some weed, someone there has to sell it. If you can't find that, at least wine is cheap there." I took it to heart. I went out, I bought some weed, and for a week straight, I prescribed myself 2 long drags from an overfilled blunt of the terrace outside my room. Did it help? Of course not, but it numbed things a little bit.

And then, of course, there's the alcohol. I took that advice a little too seriously, unfortunately. Never in my life have I blacked out more frequently than I have here. I will go out buzzed, get to the bar, have a drink or two, and the night will have escaped me. I wake up in the morning still in my clothes from the night before, lights on, and with the cash in my pocket from the night before replaced with a pounding headache. We decided to go clubbing all night a few weekends back, because, when in Rome, I guess. I remember the bus ride there, the walk from the bus station, getting in the doors and getting my free drink that came with my ticket, and then that's it! The entire night, 11PM-5AM, gone from my memory. The people I was with remember it all too well. I apparently went behind the VIP bar to steal pineapple and candies, too 50+ flash photos on my digital camera, and kept running away from them (they told me this in good spirits, thank god). I think I just need to escape sometimes, and that's how my mind is choosing to do it.

Brynne said that she'll go through phases where she's just out of it and that's why she blacks out so often (not scientifically proven, I checked). I guess I'm just in one of those stages in life. The economy of my health is up and down, it's not managed by trends in the market. Maybe if it was, I'd have predicted such an intense downturn.