#that’s so unlike me idk what i was on
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Stephan Leyhe/Andreas Wellinger - "Quiet of the night." (fic)
well well well. what do we have here.
right after welle won the first four hills comp in oberstdorf this season i wrote like a thousand words, then completely forgot about it. i just discovered it again and in a lovely case of hyperfixation wrote the rest of it in about an hour, so do with that what you will. better late than never, right?
so as for the timeline, this takes place after andi won the first comp of the 23/24 four hills tournament. for the sake of plot they’re not roommates in this (although we all know they always share, but let’s just pretend they all got single rooms for the tour). even though it’s a rather quick and short one at 2.2k, i hope you guys enjoy it. as always, i’d love to know what you think and appreciate any kind of feedback <3
Knock Knock.
Stephan turns over in his bed towards the door, sheets tangling with his legs. The room is pitch black when he blinks sleepily, eyes protesting the unscheduled awakening. There’s someone knocking at his door, which isn’t an uncommon occurrence in the team hotel during the tour because someone always wants something, except it’s two at night and they only went to bed like two and a half hours ago. Stephan‘s brain is still muddled with sleep after the adrenaline crash that inevitably always follows a competition, especially one as electrifying as yesterday‘s. So, what on earth-
There‘s a third knock and Stephan squints at the door as someone gently pushes it open, causing a sliver of light from the hallway to spill into the darkness of his room. He can barely make out a silhouette when there‘s a whisper- “Stephan? Are you awake?”
Andreas.
Stephan sits up abruptly, every last trace of sleep gone. “Yeah,” he whispers back, which isn’t true at all given that Andi quite literally just woke him up but he’d rather fling himself off a hill than tell the younger that. It’s not like he minds, anyway, he’s got an open ear for all of his teammates, although maybe it’s a bit different where Andi is concerned. Stephan tries not to think about it.
Andi tiptoes into the room and closes the door behind him. Darkness falls back around them and for a long moment neither of them moves. Stephan looks in Andi’s general direction and waits for him to offer some kind of explanation, to start talking the way he always does without paying any mind to time, company or circumstances. After a full minute goes by without a sound Stephan starts to grow increasingly concerned. “Andi?,” he prompts gently, eyes searching the darkness for any kind of movement.
“Yeah, uh, sorry. I shouldn’t have woken you up, it’s late, we’ve got training today and it’s stupid anyways, I’ll just-“
“Don’t you dare open that door, Andreas. It’s the middle of the night, what’s wrong?” Stephan hears Andi shift on his feet followed by the faint click of the door handle being released. The silence returns as the questions hangs between them, unanswered. Despite the odd situation, Stephan smiles quietly to himself.
“Stop biting your lip, Andi. It’s gonna be all raw and red on camera tomorrow.”
He hears Andi sputter over where he’s still standing by the goddamn door. “I’m not! It’s pitch-black in here, Stephan, you can’t even see me! How would you know that?”
Because I spend most of my time watching you. Because I could paint your face in a thousand different ways if I had just an ounce of talent.
“Because you always bite your lips bloody when something’s bothering you. Now come on over here and tell me what’s wrong, please.” Stephan sits up straighter as he hears Andi shuffle through the room, leaning against the headboard. The mattress dips beneath him as Andi sits down on the edge of the bed next to his stretched-out legs, which isn’t as close as Stephan would like him, but it’s better than the other side of the room.
He figures this is the moment they should turn on the lamp on his bedside table since they still can’t fucking see, but something about Andi’s behaviour stops him. This isn’t like the younger at all; to be so caught up in his thoughts and feelings that it drives him out of bed in the middle of the night. Maybe it’s got something to do with how young Andi was when he started into the whole world cup circus, but Stephan has always admired how good his teammate seemed to be at compartmentalizing. One problem after the other, brain turned off periodically to rest, then switched back on to work out the issues at maximum capacity and all of that with endless optimism and a quick smile.
So yeah, the more Stephan thinks about it, the more alarming he finds this entire situation. The least he can do is offer Andi the courtesy of keeping the lights off.
Not that it helps much. He can feel the tension in Andi’s body, every muscle coiled as if he’s preparing to make another jump from the hill. Stephan bends his knees a little, tucking them closer to his body in a silent offer for Andi to lean against them. He takes a deep breath and tries to prompt the younger into talking with an easy question.
“Did you sleep at all?”
Andi sighs. “Uh, not really. I think. Kinda been dozing on and off since we all went to bed but…time hasn’t really felt real tonight anyways. That’s so weird don’t you think?”
“What is?” Stephan’s eyes have adjusted to the darkness enough to make out Andi’s face turned in his direction to look at him, eyes way too wide and awake for this time of night.
“This! Me waking you up at this godawful hour just because, what? I won a competition? Been there done that, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. And yet here I am and my body just doesn’t- it doesn’t-“
Andi cuts himself off with a frustrated sound, dropping his head into his hands and pulling at his hair. “My brain’s not shutting up, Stephan. It wasn’t like that after Lake Placid last season, right? What’s different now?” He’s desperate for an answer, voice breaking on the last word.
Stephan’s heart breaks a little, too, because Andi sounds tired. Utterly tired; the kind of exhaustion that creeps up on you after an entire evening of adrenaline and endorphins and riding the high of a victory. He puts a hand on Andi’s shoulder and just leaves it there, applying a bit of pressure to let the younger know he’s here. His heart breaks a bit more when Andi leans into the touch, instinctively chasing the comfort. “What’s different, Stephan?” Andi repeats quietly. “This wasn’t my first win since- since everything, and it’s not like it came out of nowhere. It’s been building up for a while, right? I’ve been doing great so far, I feel good, I-“ He stops for a second before dropping his gaze to the ground. “I think I’m scared.”
There it is. Stephan has started to rub soothing circles into Andi’s shoulder and back while the younger was clearly working something out. If there’s one thing Stephan’s learned in all the years he’s spent with Andi, then it’s that sometimes he just needed to rant. They’re different that way, Stephan supposes. Whereas he himself tends to work things out in the relative peace of his mind, Andi needs to voice his concerns. Contact, feedback, the weight of spoken words in a space to be able to see clearly. And if he needs to do that at two in the morning, then so God help him Stephan will be the one that listens.
“What are you scared of, love?” Stephan asks softly. Andi scoffs.
“I don’t know. Messing up? Disappointing everyone? It’s like…it’s like this victory comes with a price tag, you know? With conditions. The last few years nobody expected anything. I was the Olympic champion with the tragic injury, so getting back on track was the only task I had and nobody cared when I messed up. Every good jump was a bonus. But now people keep saying I’m back and then I went ahead and won the first comp of the tournament and now-“
“-now everyone expects you to win the rest as well.”
Andi deflates the second Stephan speaks the words out loud. His head drops forward, messy hair tickling Stephan’s arm. The older carefully moves his hand from Andi’s shoulder to his scalp, gently carding his fingers through the unruly strands. “I don’t know if I can do it,” Andi whispers after a few seconds of silence and lifts his head to look right at Stephan, eyes desperately searching for answers. Stephan holds his gaze.
“Listen, Andi. You don’t owe anyone anything – not the fans, not our coaches, not us. The only thing you owe yourself is to enjoy competitions like yesterday’s since you went so long without them despite always trying your fucking best. What you do is enough, Andreas. Every jump you pour your heart and soul into is enough, no matter where you rank in the end. This victory isn’t worth more than the one in Lake Placid just because it’s got Four Hills written all over it, alright? You could’ve given up long before you ever reached where you’re at today, but you never did. That alone matters more than whatever happens in the next few days. Because I know for a fact that you will fight for every point and if that’s not enough, then that’s not on you. I believe in you and so do the team and the fans and whoever measures your talent and worth by whether you win this damn tournament or not can go fuck right off.”
He inhales sharply after his monologue, which was admittedly longer than he’d planned. Andi stares at him, eyes wide and mouth open.
“Uh, so” Stephan finishes eloquently. “You know. Don’t worry too much.” He shuts his eyes briefly, cringing at himself internally. Way to ruin this, Stephan. You’re doing fantastic.
He looks back up when Andi snorts and dissolves into quiet laughter. He can feel a smile fighting its way onto his own lips because honestly, no one is immune to the sound of Andi Wellinger’s joy. It’s even sweeter when Stephan’s the reason for it.
Andi’s voice is breathless when he teases Stephan. “You say all that and end it with ‘don’t worry too much’? Really?”
“Well excuse me,” Stephan retorts, untangling his hand from Andi’s hair to put it on his own chest in mock offense. “I apologise for running out of sensible things to say in the middle of the night. If you’d like to register a complaint, I’m gonna have to ask you to do it at a reasonable hour.”
Andi giggles again, wiping his eyes with his hands. He looks back at Stephan then, tilting his head in such an adorable way that Stephan’s heart skips a beat or three. The silence stretches on for a while, the mood turning serious once more as Stephan practically sees Andi going over his words in his head.
One of us is gonna have to say something because if it gets any quieter, he’ll hear how loud my heart is beating.
Yet Stephan doesn’t break the fragile silence. Andi doesn’t, either. Instead, the younger shifts, turning to face Stephan properly with one leg folded under him while the other hangs off the bed, and pulls the older forward into a hug.
Oh.
Stephan wraps his arms around Andi’s waist instinctively because that’s just what his body is wired to do at this point. They’re usually in an outrun when this happens, but right now, as Andi is tightening his arms around Stephan’s shoulders and hiding his face in the older’s neck, Stephan would gladly never see an outrun again if it meant he could stay right here for the rest of his life.
They hug in a way that’s only really acceptable in the tranquility of the night, when the sole witness is the moon and the darkness swallows the thoughts of any consequences a touch like this might have. Time passes and while Stephan doesn’t know if it’s seconds or minutes or hours, he never eases the pressure around Andi’s slim waist. He’s unconsciously started to rub circles into the dip of it with his thumb and he doesn’t stop when he notices. Andi’s breathing is quiet and steady against the side of his neck. Stephan can’t help but smile when the tension finally bleeds out of the younger’s body.
“Did you mean it?” Andi asks after a while, voice little more than a whisper. “What exactly?” Stephan whispers back just as softly, tucking the other impossibly closer. Andi makes the transition with ease, laying almost entirely on top of Stephan, face still hidden against his shoulder. “Everything. That I owe my victories to no one but myself. That you-,” he clears his throat, a bit awkwardly. “That you believe in me?”
It comes out like a question and something in Stephan’s chest cracks a little when he hears it. Impulsively, he turns his head to press a soft kiss into Andi’s hair. “Of course I do, love. Never stopped. And I always will, no matter how the tour ends.”
Andi exhales then, a bit shakily but Stephan can feel him settle. He removes one arm from around Stephan to search for Stephan’s hand in the dark and holds on tight when he finds it. Stephan squeezes back, interlacing their fingers. Through it he takes everything Andi gives him; all the doubts and thoughts and uncertainty that overwhelm Andi’s infinite optimism only in the shadows of the night. Stephan knows that when the sun rises in a few hours, it’ll be like the clouds in Andi’s head never existed at all, because that’s just how he works. Stephan wouldn’t want to have it any other way.
Until that happens, he holds on tight to the boy in his arms.
Andi doesn’t go back to his own room that night.
#ski jumping#i’m actually scared#this was kinda rushed bc hyperfixation is a bitch i’m so sorry#i do really like parts of it tho so i hope you do too#no trigger warnings really??#maybe very mild ones like overthinking and pessimistic thoughts#but other than that it’s really hurt/comfort#heavy on the comfort#that’s so unlike me idk what i was on#sj fics#sj fanfics#ski jumping fanfic#fanfiction#ski jumping fanfiction#andreas wellinger#stephan leyhe#lellinger#lellinger fanfic
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Just to clarify my thoughts (since I've had a number of people ask me about it) re: Job and cursing God. There's a big difference between cursing God as used in Scripture and how we generally would think of cursing at God today.
Cursing someone, in the Bible, has a lot of depth to it. It's not just saying "screw you " in anger, it's got a sense of forsakenness to it. It's the opposite of a blessing, a removal of blessing. If the blessing is presence, your face shining on the person you're blessing, then a curse is absence. In some translations, Job's wife tells him to "renounce God and die," which I honestly think makes a lot more sense to modern ears.
Job says a lot of unpleasant things to and about God in his anger and grief. So do the Psalmists. A number of the Prophets. So can we. God can take it if we come to him with honest expressions of our emotion, including those not-so-nice ones directed at him. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting mad at God and saying, "How dare you, you bastard" when you suffer unjustly. You can say much worse, I think, without sinning, though I don't feel particularly inclined to give examples. But as long as it's an honest expression of your heart, I think you're doing exactly what prayer is for. You're presenting him your heart with an open hand. He can use that. Opposite of love is not hate but indifference, etc.
Job doesn't renounce God. Neither should we. But I think when you're truly suffering, you're gonna have those feelings toward God either way. He'd rather you address them with him directly than try to avoid them. Cursing at God in the modern sense is actually a great way to keep the relationship strong and not end up cursing/renouncing him in the Biblical sense.
#i did try to draw that distinction in the original post but I didn't really go into detail#mostly bc i was trying to be concise and just focus on how the church talks to sufferers#so here's the long version#pontifications and creations#only thou art holy#also side note: there was someone yesterday who responded to that post with the suggestion that suffering is generally the sufferer's fault#and it got worse from there#just an absolutely rank response that had me immediately blocking that person and googling if there was a way to remove someone's addition#idk to what degree that person is an active member of this broader christian community we've got going on here#but if you see that post (and you'll know it when you see it) please as a favor to me don't interact with it#there were some lovely responses and additions to that post yesterday too#but that one made me mad#idk. to a certain degree i wanted to vent#they're blocked now though so whatever#anyway. I've sort of been percolating on these various thoughts for a few weeks#since i went to a really fluffy women's talk on suffering#and now i kind of want to give my version#I'm far from the greatest sufferer in the world. i am well aware of that#but as I've been sick I've just done So Much Thinking and reading about theodicy and struggle with God that i feel qualified to opine#unlike the giver of that talk#anyway#tag rant over#...for now#theodicy
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Ya know what’s curious to me? In Episode 2 when Crowley asks Aziraphale in the cellar whose side he’s on, Aziraphale responds “God’s, of course!”
Ya know why this is curious?
Well, for one, they’re talking about sides. Heaven and Hell. Their respective bosses. Crowley’s response of going along with Hell as far as he can makes sense, it’s what we expect to hear, but when he turns the question on Aziraphale, he doesn’t exclaim ‘heaven’s obviously!’ He immediately associates himself and his values with God directly.
Second of all, In episode 6, when talking about accepting the Metatron’s job offer as the new supreme archangel with Crowley, Aziraphale says “but heaven! Well, it’s the side of truth, of light, of good.”
For the entirety of Good Omens season 1, Aziraphale had always talked about following God’s ineffable plan, which was a noticeably different turn of phrase than those such as Gabriel used in heaven, always referring to it as the Great Plan. This is even the very thing that lead them to wiggling their way around Armageddon in the first place when confronted by Gabriel and Beelzebub.
Aziraphale has always made the distinction that he is an angel and does good because he believes that God is good and he trusts in their design.
Now I might just be loosing it, it is nearly 3am, but this sudden distinction and the choice of Aziraphale to not only discuss heaven in such a manner, but to refer to it as an entire Side, and use the adjectives he uses to describe heaven when we’ve only ever seen or heard him talk about God this way… it just all plays very intentional to me. It feel’s weird.
Especially once you take into consideration the flashbacks we’re shown of Beelzebub and Gabriel discussing the failed Armageddon in their little pub rendezvous. They never once mention their respect ‘boss’. Gabriel says “we are ready for round two.” And Beelzebub’s response is “as are we.” This we that they’re referring to isn’t God. It’s not Satan. They’re talking about the beings who reside in these respective places. The Angels and the Demons. And the conversation then continues with Gabriel admitting, “everyone in Heaven is all like, ‘Well, you’re the commander-in-chief, can’t you just make the war happen anyway?’ Like, I make the rules.” And whats Beelzebub’s response? “That’s exactly what my lot said.”
The pressure isn’t coming from God anymore. In the past, like seen in the Job episode, when there were divine tasks at hand they were dealt with by the angels for God, and God was directly involved in finding the outcome. There was no going through management or filing paperwork or monitoring miracles. And hey, I get it. As time evolves along with the humans, so does everything else.
My question is, is it possible that with these evolutions in the human world, that Heaven and Hell have perhaps learned a thing or two from humanity as well? Already they’ve mimicked the clothing, the office spaces, the entire design of heaven and hell down to the management hierarchy. Is it possible that these wars and these fights aren’t being started by God anymore, but an act of civil war amongst the Angels and Demons? We already see Michaels urge for power and control paralleled and almost foiled by Shax’s drive for control and power and both were the driving factors between any of the Major problems this season that lead to major conflicts between Heaven and Hell.
That brings us of course, to the Metatron. Who is he and where exactly did he come from? When did his position become necessary and why wasn’t he present as the ‘voice of god’ in the job minisode? Why suddenly are all of God’s plans, only being carried out by him?
Do you want to know why I think Gabriel was being demoted and not sent to Hell as a fallen angel? Because I don’t think they can. I think that’s something only God can do, but what kind of fear and control would that hold over all the busy bee’s? No, no, instead, let’s frame it as a Kindness. Heaven won’t cast you out because it will make them look bad! because it’s happened before, so they have no choice but to play a game of politics to keep everyone in check.
But here’s my question. Has there been a fallen angel since the great war? Why is it that after all this time, Aziraphale hasn’t fallen time and time again? Why is it that instead of an Angel falling from grace to join the armies of hell, the response to an act of rebellion is absolute destruction. The same could be said for hell. If you have demons walking around that are doing good, wouldn’t that simply just re-spark their halo’s? Why is it that they’d be destroyed by Holy Water instead of simply returning to Heaven?
It’s because God plays an ineffable game of their own design. They’re not playing with earth, or humanity. They’re toying with the Angels and the Demons. It’s why they’re placing bets with Satan.
When Crowley’s attempting to convince Aziraphale to run away for the last time, he doesn’t say Fuck God and Fuck whatever game this is, we don’t need to be a part of it. He says Heaven and Hell are toxic we need to get away from them.
It’s just so curious to me how this season has carefully and slowly taken us away from the idea of God and God’s Ineffable Plan and instead led us into this drama between Heaven and Hell, no mention of God whatsoever. No narrator.
#thoughts anyone?#genuinely curious if i just need a fucking nap#but also idk this time watching it really just struck me#when theyre discussing sides in the job minisode#they’re talking about heaven and hell#when the question is turned back on Aziraphale however#unlike crowleys answer of ‘i go along with hell as far as i can’ he doesnmt even mention Heaven#he goes straight to god#uk what thats a good point#let me add that into the post rq hold on#fuck me i went back to add the little paragraph and went on a tangent#it is now nearly 4am#so#ahem#shit#i hope this is even vaguely coherent and that people see it#i hope it doesn’t get swallowed by the void cause i think im onto something but im so tired#bi.f.shit#good omens#good omens 2#good omens 2 spoilers#crowley#aziraphale#ineffable divorcées#ineffable husbands#good omens spoilers#good omens meta#good omens analysis
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ok, but WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THEM!?!?!? THEY ARE MOTH/BUG ANGELS WITH MASKS AND CLOAKS THEY LOOK SO COOL
AHHHHHHHHHH FAVS
(Oh yeah- made in ibis paint x-)
Edit: i rewatched the episode a few times and realized i f'd up the designs a bit
Will be redrawing them soon
Also
The council of lämp (credit: @/redactedtimes) 👍
#Art#My art#Hazbin hotel#Hazbin hotel heaven#idk what to call themmmmmmm#Likeee#What if they're not winners/earthborns#ITS VERY LIKLY THEYRE HEAVEN BORNS#BUT I CANT FIND INFO ON THEM ANYWHERE#IM GONNA CALL THEM MOTHWINGS#CAUSE FOR ONE#BUG#TWO#REMIND ME OF HOLLOW KNIGHT SO MOTHWING CLOAK#Hazbin hotel mothwings#Yes I am making this a tag you cannot stop me#Until they're given an actual name I'm calling them mothwings#Or confirmation that theyre from earth#I find that unlikely cause of how similar each are to eachother
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Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again
#pls dont read if you cant handle venting and whining#once again i am here to say that i am the loneliest person alive and i feel like i can’t grasp the basic consept of friendship and do it lol#like idk how to be friends#i feel like i will forever be sad and lonely#and i know everyone will say you can talk to me and i know that but i’ve just been by myself for so long that i don’t remember how to have#actual conversations with people i feel like i am disconnected from reality#i feel like i am an extremely unlikeable person and that’s why i was all alone in highschool and idk i am oversharing on the internet again#because it’s the only place i kind of feel safe doing it#pls take care of yourselves first before comfoting me or anything im sorry i sound very pathetic#how do i start living again#how does one live anyway#im just in my head all the time#this was supposed to be hot girl summer but it’s once again summertime sadness#im so stupid!!!#im so anxious and depressed that i dont know what to do with myself#im so sorry for oversharing i have a therapist dont worry im kind of taking care of myself#but the eternal loneliness just wont let me go#idk how to be a person anymore#i’m just sad#thinking of going to a church and pretend to be a believer so i could have a community again lol
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thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder
#akio and utena#m#long ramble in the tags sorry:#the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human#he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims#he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry.#and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios#(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think.#like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her#i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing#not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that.#and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did#but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her?#whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway#idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims#the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it?#how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions.#(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive#but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.)#when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her#but is there something genuine there too? i don't know.#again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me.#on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had#reflected back at him through her mean anything?#is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid.#either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over.#i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways)#but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly#wants you to analyze and think about.#which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.
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Alright gayboy. You ready for the championship?
#if another. very similar post to this appears on my dash. ignore it. Brucey is having difficulties tonight#anyway the rough color made him slay. im quite happy with this#sorry that thisnis the only fuckinf wip im posting IT ALL. I HAVE.#You followed me. you read the sign. Brucey posts random bullshit over and over.#its 3 am so anything goes im a free man#working on his thighs and i dont want yall to see my shameful anatomy. im drawing FEET and im bad at FEET#might give him socks. to hide my shame.#mayhaps ill add fishnets. lets see whats sexier#also i made this 300 dpi in the unlikely scenario i make this a print you can buy but idk. watch out#fun fact. he doesn't have ears!! if i made him bald his head would be capital S Smooth. no point bc his hair covered them.
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questioning sexuality is so exhausting
#(edit: sorry for the rant in the tags and i just. i want someone to talk to me)#i keep on doing it for no apparent reason#someone was talking about lust yesterday and i realised today that.#even tho id thought i don't experience it. i possibly do. but exclusively towards women.#i hate it here!#for a multitude of reasons i will never have a relationship with a woman but! i may be incapable of having a relationship with a man!#at some point in the last few months i have abruptly pivoted from definitely wanting marriage and kids to being ambivalent on marriage#and not wanting kids. that's such an outlier in my life that it might just be a mental health thing tho idk#but at the same time i. want to be loved.#i don't know what i want anymore and im tired of questioning myself#i definitely overthink it but idk how to stop it#and i hate hate hate how the moral obsessions have bee lately#this isn't entirely related but it kind of is#like Am i a terrible morally bankrupt person for having certain thoughts or is it just religious ocd go brrrr?? am i overthinking it?#i don't know. i don't know!#for a while labelling myself as arospec ace kinda calmed that down but. i don't know#i do't want to be attracted to women. i don't want to have to look away so often. i don't want any of that.#but i don't know how to stop it.#i don't even know if i'm attracted to men at all.#this is a cry for help and encouragement and prayers no matter what your views on these matters are#queer stuff tag#i nearly fessed up to my friend yesterday about same sex attraction and i might've except that it would have probably outed me as#the person who anonymously sent in a question several months ago about the side b movement to a church thing#ive only told one person at church about any of that sort of stuff and it was very vaguely worded#also see: this friend is the mother of the boy i?? i don't even know how i feel about him#i increasingly think it wasn't romantic at all. but i don't know#i would love any encouragement you got. anything at all.#i don't know how much this stuff is affected by the fact that i consider myself unloveable and think it highly unlikely any boy will ever#care for me#now im rambling. sorry
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next up in my revamped kj designs: jet star!! 💫
she is so important to me… the space puppy tattoo is partially because of @eggbagelz’ headcanon which i saw and thought “oh definitely jet would LOVE laika” and the design is (with permission) one of my lovely friend @andpierres’ tattoo flash designs and tattoo tickets are available on his kofi if YOU would like to have a space puppy tattoo on your own skin! :)
as with the last two posts, untextured version under the cut for cleaner details and accurate colors!
#danger days#jet star#ttlotfk#killjoys california#jetty jetty jetty#jet has the most updated design technically because i went from headcanoning them as transmasc to transfem!#i have birthday and therefore astrology hcs for ALL the fab four btw if you’re interested#ghoul also has his sign’s constellation tattooed on him i think maybe jet and ghoul got those done to be loosely matching :) family#THANK YOU NICO FOR LETTING ME USE YOUR DESIGN!!#felt appropriate for jet not only because of the space theming but also because i know you like jet a lot :) and i like how you draw them#so. i kind of associate jet with you#and again: no jacket because i wanted y’all to see her tatts but unlike kobra’s jacket#i would probably make at least a FEW tweaks jet’s jacket makes the least sense to me. leather AND denim? i THINK? and there’s a weird symbol#on it? and an epaulette? idk man it’s interesting but i would probably do it differently#god fucking damn it the gun is a little too short probably. to make sense from a top angle. OH WELL. i’m not going back and changing that#too much work#also i spent literally five or six hours just on her hair please clap#if i’ve said anything about jet’s tattoos in the past ignore that i don’t remember any of what i said if that’s the case#NEW hcs now.
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I started watching Mad Men in 2011 and the fact that I still think/talk about it almost every day is so crazy to me like obviously it hasn't been consistent since the very first day I watched it and even this blog which I started in 2016 has had dry years but idk nothing except a few special books really make me keep coming back to the well digging around for details and wanting to talk about the plots and characters. There are other TV shows I love and even rewatch more but they're ultimately not the same. I won't turn on Mad Men for background noise or comfort but lately when I do that with other shows I barely watch an episode or two before I feel kind of bored knowing what's going to happen and I COULD watch every episode of MM with rapt attention and go insane every time
#I'm at the point lately too where I'm like I just don't think anything (on tv) is ever going to hit like this again. it seems unlikely#which I think for me is partially a function of getting older and just not having 'TV' as a hobby the same way I used to#ugh unfortunately especially with things I want to watch but that are already finished so I would have to binge them#the binge of 5 or 6 seasons feels too daunting these days. and if you watch it at a regular pace that's what...a year of watching it???#idk what this post is about
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what if the reason tim is going to be out of uniform for awhile is because he is being investigated by the D.A. for killing the person who put lucy in the hospital?????
#*carly catalogs#just a thought#a highly unlikely thought but a thought no less#idk i just can't stop thinking about him going buzzerk watching her literally fall to her knees#and later being questioned like... 'what were you thinking about when you pulled the trigger?'#and his automatic response... just one word 'her'... 'i wasn't thinking about anyone but her' 🥺💕#absolutely do not hold me to this this is a far fetched prediction#the rookie#the rookie s6#tim bradford#lucy chen#chenford#otp: you know me so well
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i always say im able-bodied bc i feel like it best describes my General Lived Experience but i do have that like. thing in my legs where if i walk briskly for some distance (like 500 meters) i get this crushing pain in my whole lower legs which gets worse and worse if i keep walking until i eventually have to sit down for a few minutes and wait for it to go away. which im still trying to get diagnosed bc so far artery scans and muscle ultrasounds render nothing. and ngl it is like, an issue often enough and is a pretty bothersome thing when it happens (like not only bc its extremely painful but also having to find some place to sit down in the middle of the street and having to stay there a while isnt awesome) so im not entirely sure "able-bodied" fully describes me but i also am not sure its a disability bc we dont know wtf it is. so i guess im kind of in a weird inbetween where i err on the side of just assuming its not a disability and its just like, an annoying body thing..
#97#i guess if it happened every single day or something i would probably feel more confident identifying it as like....#idk some type of disability or at least something worth integrating into my definition of my general health#and ensuing relationship to my body to the medical system etc etc#but bc it only happens when i walk briskly for a bit and i dont even go out for a walk every day it doesnt feel worth mentioning#anyway ive had this since 2019 or 2018 lol but the first round of attempted diagnosing i gave up early#and for a few years i just ignored it which is easier when i dont get out a lot anyway#but im currently in the process of attempting to figure out what it is again..#by september ill know if its compartment syndrome which has been brought up but is apparently unlikely#thats the last exam were doing so. if its not that then ngl idk what the next options are#bc this was everything my doctor could think of to explain it#another thing abt it not being diagnosed and not clearly being a disability is i dont dare ask for a seat in public when i need one lol#which has been an issue a few times where every seat is taken but i REALLY need to sit to stop the pain#if i could say 'excuse me i have (x thing) i really need a seat' id maybe dare to ask#but i dont manage to just be like 'hey could i get a seat my legs hurt' lol
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tbh you are so real for talking about the misogyny targeted to mei & other women in the lmk fandom. in general its like people only value mei as: a: the wingman to some basic mlm ship or b: macaque 2.0. its honestly crazy how so many male side characters overshadow her in the fanbase despite not even having a FRACTION of her screen time. idk chat i feel like the reason people dont care about mei but care about some random male side/background character is less because they're inherently more likeable but because some of you view women as inherently less likable. and everyone is always like "mei is so girlboss pussy cunt slay shes the only reason theyre still alive because she keeps them safe from their silly boy shennanigans shes their ultimate wingman shes so badass shes their lesbian best friend i totally paid attention to her when i watched this show LOL" and even ignoring the obvious misogyny here (ie. how people reduce her to being the male characters babysitter) its like... okay... i know mei is cool & badass already... could you name literally ANY other character trait she has. like people just value her as being "the braincell" who can get red son and mk together or something stupid and its like are we having fun still is this still fun. literally every day i go into the mei tag its like "look at mei shes red sons wifey and shes vaguely in the background of this drawing of red son and mk staring into each others eyes #trafficlighttrio am i right oh look shes macaques niece now this post is about ao lie why is it in the mei tag"
and thats literally JUST talking about mei and it doesnt even begin to cover the other female characters. chang'e constantly gets reduced to being red sons aunt/mom/big sister despite them like. not having any actual interactions in the show. lady bone demon constantly gets overshadowed by her minion who has like 2 seconds of screen time, or she gets made into a cartoonishly abusive madwoman who people call lady bitch demon. just in general people act like shes a horrible person for like. being a villain. liks yeah the trying to destroy everything was bad but also she was an antagonist and thats what antagonists do LOL. spider queen gets completely ignored. princess iron fan gets made into a cartoonishly abusive mother so that way red son can have a poor angsty backstory and some male character (usually nezha, macaque, swk) can take care of him.
(also theres just a great deal of ethnocentrism in the lmk fanbase? like im white so take what İ say here with a grain of salt but so many people will misconstrue aspects of chinese culture for their own personal hcs. people will say male characters are transfem or nonbinary while completely ignoring the time period/culture their from where thats the norm. like yippee youve implied that an east asian man is feminine/emasculine because he has long hair. how do you not see the negative connotations with this. people also turn pif (& lbd to an extent) into a dragon lady which obviously has negative racial connotations lol.)
anyway this is where my unhinged rambling ends have a good day have a good night İ had more to say here but İ reached the text limit. İ dont see a lot of people talk about the misogyny thats prevalent in the lmk fanbase so İm glad youre pointing it out lol.
Yeah, I totally hear you. The lmk fandom has plenty of issues with misogyny and, like you said, ethnocentrism. It's definitely something worth having a discussion about, along with these issues in fandom as a whole.
#you seriously hit the nail on the head anon#(feel free to rant more! I appreciated reading yer thoughts)#tbh I think it's the purity culture like#If LBD and SQ were men. They'd be so popular it's not even funny#But because they're women. And women can't be flawed#(or their flaws are harder to justify- unlike a male character like Wukong. So they're a ''bitch'')#But don't worry! There's one girl character we can girlbossify and ignore all of those pesky flaws and characteristics!!!#I'm so sorry Mei#You're not a support character for spicynoodles to me#you're literally so insane about MK it's not even funny#she's going to become my fav character out of spite on god#when she was like ''what's the point of having power if you won't use it?''#and azure was like ''i did not sacrifice everything to be an idle deity''#And 1x03 was about her using her family sword (her power) to protect her house#And Azure used his sword (his power) to protect the world#And when Mei modeled her sword after Azure's (and now he's dead)#and when- *gets shot*#also Mei doesn't even have the fucking braincell#None of them have the braincell#They're all dummies. They're all scrambling around doing their god damn best#A main theme is the fact that no one knows what they're doing. Like#idk#lmk#lego monkie kid#torment nexus#asks#anon#lmk Mei
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this image was always painful but now that we have more context on it, it's straight up just driving me insane
the fact that dongbaek and yi sang are at the front, but dongbaek is hiding her hands.... the fact that gubo is off to the side and looks anxious almost.... the fact that dongrang stands at the back (fully at the back, to me it looks like he's standing behind even the guy he's shoulder-to-shoulder to) and is the only one not looking at the camera, his heart not truly in it...
#okay wait I will expand on my points in the tags#imo the small detail of dongbaek hiding her hands is significant because dongbaek and yi sang were the most alike in what the league#meant to them and what they wanted out of it#but she never revealed the full extent of those feelings unlike him#meanwhile gubo was always there because of yi sang. I think I believe sang yi when he says that#(but I also believe yi sang when he says gubo cares more about himself)#so I think the idea of him being framed as part of this group sort of. Caught him off guard#I mean he didn't even seem fazed when shit went down#ik he's not really an emotional guy to begin with but he was just sort of like “the league has collapsed. Come With Me”#and he didn't even Blink at the idea of building a new one#so I yeah I think he just Didn't Really Care#txt#limbus company#yi sang#canto iv spoilers#canto 4 spoilers#canto four spoilers#addendum: idk what’s up with young-ji’s face being distorted but it keeps making me think#of that line dongrang says about his shitty imitation of the window#and the general motif of good concepts being misused/twisted that permeates the chapter#the fact that something He founded was torn apart and distorted like this… ugh
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what’s more painful
Finny forgives Gene but Finny dies
or
Finny lives but don’t exactly forgive Gene or at least can’t forget what Gene did to him so his relationship with Gene gradually dies away. No matter how hard they try to mend their relationship, it just doesn’t work out bc there’s always a sense of unease between them or it’s just too toxic. They gradually drift apart and they become heartbroken of what could’ve been and Gene feels even more guilty.
okay i’ll leave now
#asp#a separate peace#okay but bonus!!: years later they just happen to cross paths and they start conversing with each other#just casual talk like#‘hey how have you been doing’#‘oh just#-> (something about current life or whatever)’#idk just a random thought in my head#while school has me in a chokehold#i feel this is just unlikely#to happen tho cuz they just cling onto each other so much#and Finny is just too forgiving of Gene#why would they drift apart exactly?#idk up to yalls interpretation#lol#i would like to see what yall think of tho!
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and if you have time 002 Kaneki :) (I am asking everyone)
Let's go !!
002 | Give me a character & I will tell you
How i feel about this character: Ironically I cannot verbalize my thoughts about Kaneki coherently whatsoever. I need him dead. I need to hit him over the head with several hammers. I need him to let himself just relax and drink some coffee and read a good book. He sucks I hate him /affectionate he’s also so fucking cringe Jesus. For every coherent and analytical thought I have about the other characters I have none for Kaneki he simply. Is. He’s Kaneki he’s That Guy he brings me immense pain and he’s so self-destructive and he tries so hard and it Sucks /pos I need to stuff him into a blender
All the people I ship romantically with this character: Hmm oh boy I sure do wonder…Well, aside from the obvious I think Shuuneki could be very interesting when done right, and while I’m not as inclined towards their relationship romantically Hidekane definitely hurts my soul, especially thinking of them before everything went to shit for our poor protagonist
My non-romantic OTP for this character: I love his relationship with Hinami so much he’s such a good big bro :(( Even when he’s out trying to hunt down people and change the world he still sets aside time for her, but even then she’s so concerned for his wellbeing because she can tell how he’s Changed and how he’s pushing himself she just wants him to be happy and take a break :((
My unpopular opinion about this character: Hmmm not sure if I have any at the moment?? I’d agree with anything as long as it’s accurate to his character. Whether you love or despise this guy I will nod my head, I guess just don’t say he’s flawless, person/moral-wise, there’s a lot of good argument for why he can suck actually, but I feel like most people know that.
One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I remember seeing in the original storyboards for Root A that Shironeki and Kuroneki actually interact more. While I like how it was saved until the end in the original series (when they hugged) I wouldn’t have minded seeing more of it beforehand. Kuroneki is Shironeki’s doubts voiced back to himself, the more uncertain version of himself that he locks away, and Shironeki simply calls that part of him weak. It makes me miserable. I love it
my OTP: *whistles, looks away*
my cross over ship: Don’t think I have any
a headcanon fact: This is gonna be so random (read: projection) but Kaneki probably bites a lot of things. He bites pencils, he chews straws, he’s especially guilty of biting/chewing his hands/fingers and when he was a human it used to leave marks all over his hands. The hand biting problem gets even worse after the torture. If you put your hand in front of his face he’ll probably bite your fingers. Like a weirdo. He needs to be stopped (I say, fully supporting this behavior; let him be weird and a little unnatural :thumbsup:)
#asks#shewhoeatssand#kaneki ken#One down one (technically two?) to go !!#I say one because one of them is the ship ask for Amoneki but I already answered that..#Considering answering it with amonhaise?? Idk?? Should i do that??#anyway. kaneki my silly guy#he makes me go insane and i have many thoughts about him#but unlike with everyone else theyre so incomprehensible even i dont know what they are#also sidenote but writing posts on mobile is a nightmare godbless
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