Your soul knew it belonged to me. 2.0 END

A03

**Please check out the A03  for a special thank you to the originals of this story, HERE 

Chapter 6: The “B” word

Dan didn't see Phil until the following morning when he was struggling to make coffee again. The apartment had never been more threatening than it was right now, and Dan had to bite his lip to keep from crying.  He knew this was his fault, and he hated it. Cautiously he approached the kitchen.  "I can help you know," "Wouldn't want to inconvenience my flatmate," "Phil, you know that's not, I mean it's not like that."

Phil sighed, "No, course not." He poured the boiling kettle, stirred in the coffee, and leaned against the counter. He refused to meet Dan's eyes. "I can take that out the lounge, if you want to sit, that can't be comfortable," "I'm fine. I told you I didn't want the help before, and you refused to listen." "I know you're hurt from last night; I didn't mean to hurt you." "I know," Phil's tone was cold and clipped." "Phil, I don't know what I can do; what do you want?" "How about an apology? Didn't that ever cross your mind? That's typically what people do when they are shitty and don't mean to be, Dan." Dan's face blazed red; he stared at the floor, and in a voice barely above a whisper, he said, "I'm sorry, Phil. I really am," Phil sighed, his tone softening, "Thank you. Will you please take my coffee to the lounge for me?' Nodding silently, Dan took it and set it down, waited for Phil to sit, and wordlessly went back to his room. He was ashamed, he felt awkward, and he had no idea how to make this better. Surely Phil would want more than some words? He would want noticeably changed behavior too, and Dan wasn't sure he could do that. He didn't know if he would ever indeed be comfortable with "boyfriend." It made him feel such disgust and fear, not because of Phil, though. The reason wasn't ever because of Phil. The reason was because of him. He hated himself so much, especially when he thought about terms that implied he wasn't straight. The strange thing about it is was that as long as he thought of Phil as just that and not a gender, he felt fine. Nothing about them together disgusted him; nothing made him uncomfortable; Dan and Phil together felt right. It was all the other things that had him in a downward spiral.

After an hour or so later, Phil texted Dan. He was famished, and leaning against the counter wasn't a good idea earlier; he was in a lot of pain.  Dan emerged, his hair was a mess, his nose and eyes were red and puffy. Phil sighed; he really hadn't meant to hurt Dan. He was just so angry, so hurt himself that he lashed out. Phil was extremely disappointed with himself that he had done that at all, let alone to Dan. "S'okay, what would you like to eat?" "Cereal is fine," Dan reappeared with what was requested, handed it to him slowly, and waited. When Phil said nothing, he asked, "Did you need anything else right now?" "No," Phil set down his bowl, "but I could use some company," It was risky, Phil knew it was, but he couldn't help himself. Dan rubbed the back of his neck, "Ah, yeah, okay. I'm going to get some coffee." Phil was relieved that Dan had not flat out refused, or just ran away. He knew they needed to talk; he also knew right now Dan's nerves were raw. Phil understood how much anxiety went along with their "things," and he knew Dan was struggling.  He would have to be patient and slow; he needed to respect Dan's resistance to all of this. Phil knew it wasn't Dan's fault. "Do you want to watch anything in particular? Phil asked as Dan sat back down. "No," "Okay," quietly, they watched a show that neither one of them really was able to pay attention to. It was so tense that Phil could barely stand it; It was about a half-hour later when Phil set his hand on Dan's thigh. Dan looked at it, confused, then back up to Phil. "I forgive you, Dan." "Okay, thanks," "We should talk," "There isn't anything to say that I am sure you haven't already come to a conclusion about on your own," Phil frowned, "I am trying not to assume how you feel, Dan." "Since when?" Dan said, hesitantly, "Sure did last night," Phil sighed, "That's fair. I did do that." "Yeah, you did. And it's not that I don't want to, you know," Dan motioned between them, "be this, us, together. Just to be clear." "Okay," "I just," Dan took a deep breath, "It's just fucking scary, Phil." Phil didn't allow any emotion to pass onto his face, "What about it?" "Everything. Labels, the emotions, you, and me. All of it. I am terrified." Phil grasped his hand, "It's okay to be sacred," "But it's not, look what happened last night. I hurt you, badly but something my body did without my consent, so it isn't okay, is it? I don't know how to control that shit, Phil. Christ, I didn't even really know what happened until you had left," Phil shook his head, "I've figured that out now, I'm sorry, Dan." "Why are you, sorry? I was the once who recoiled at a common word, one that I had already used, that is supposed to bring delight and joy." "I'm sorry that I reacted like that. It wasn't fair of me. I let my own insecurities get the better of me without even a thought to yours. I really should have handled it better; I should have been kinder to you." "Stop fucking doing that! You defend me when I am an asshole all of the time, and I hate it. You don't have to defend what a shit person I am. It's not like I don't know I am an asshole, Phil." "No, you're not! You are fucking scared; you've mentioned it before. I should have been more considerate of your feelings. I should have talked about it with you, you were clearly upset, and I just walked away. I know you aren't out, I know you won't be ready to come out for a long time, if ever. That's okay. I told you before it was. I am not making excuses for myself; I don't have a right to; last night, I was just overly tired and sore, and I reacted like a spoiled brat having a fit. I didn't see it like that at the time, nor this morning, but I do now. I am sorry, I am so sorry that I didn't see through the surface shit to see the war that was raging inside. I didn't see that you are scared and hurting, not ashamed." He smiled, sadly, "Rational minded Phil knows that he just wasn't present until now." "I don't know what to say. You will disagree with everything I do," "It's okay to be mad and hurt by me. I was pretty callous towards you as a friend, let alone anything else." "This is so stupid, in 10 years it won't even matter, so it's fine." "We are not in the future, Dan. It does matter; it matters now. What can I do?" "Hell, I don't even know. I don't know what I even feel. I know last night I was upset, but I was upset because of how hurt you were. I didn't think how you reacted was out of line, honestly. Besides, I don't know what to do myself, let alone know what to tell you to do." "Then, we will figure it out together, yeah?" "Right," "Dan, please be patient with yourself. This is a huge thing; it's harder for you, I know that. I know about your past. Things right now are not ideal, but you are allowed to need time to figure this out." "I hope that's true because I've no idea how long it's going to take me to figure it out." "That's okay, there isn't a time limit on healing, nor is it linear, do this at your own pace," "I am afraid I am going to fuck it up," "How?" "What happens when my pace is too slow?" "I'm not sure what you're asking me?" "For you, I mean," "I guess I haven't made it clear enough. This isn't about me, Dan, it's," "How long will you wait?" Dan blurted out, cutting him off. "Oh Dan," Phil grabbed his hand, "I've been waiting for years already, this isn't a guilt trip, far from it. Have I ever indicated that I wasn't happy being with you? I have been content with the amazing friendship we have built. What makes you think I am not ready to wait years for us to build even more?" "Age, mostly." "I can't imagine a life where you are not in it, please don't worry about that. I am not going anywhere." "Okay," Dan mostly believed him; he still wasn't entirely convinced. "You're just going to have to trust me," "I do trust you; I don't trust me. I know, astoundingly cliché, but it's true." "I trust you," "One of us should," "Is there anything else you want to say?" "God, no, let's end this now. I've already reached my emotional vulnerability quota for the next three weeks," Phil snorted a laugh, "Noted, thank you for opening up." "Yeah, yeah. Can we play Mario cart or something?" "Sure, Dan," Phil knew he needed a distraction to keep the mind demons away, "But don't think I am going to go easy on yah, Danny boy," "Bring it on, Lester. Can't even use your bum leg as an excuse, and you have no others, so prepare to lose." "Yeah, be prepared to eat my shells!"

Phil lost, over and over again, but the happiness returning to Dan's face was worth it. They played for hours, and for the first time in a long time, things felt normal again. "Okay, that's enough, I concede, you win." Dan rolled his eyes, "Obviously," "Dominoes?" "Sure, you're buying." "Yeah, yeah,"   Phil placed the order while Dan went to shower, leaving Phil alone. He wondered how long it would take for Dan to be comfortable doing couples things, being relaxed about being together, if he'd ever want to get married, and the list went on and on. He meant what he had said about waiting; he would respect Dan every step of the way. It didn't mean that he was 100% okay with it.  He would never breathe a word of this to Dan, but he would be lying if he said he wasn't concerned about it. Though he knew that he had no say in how Dan processed this, when he "came out" or any of the following things that went with them, Phil hoped that he would be able to be more supportive in the future. He knew last night's actions could never happen again; it would take him a long time to forgive himself for them. "Phil, I can tell you're in pain. You should just take the meds." Phil sighed, "It's not that bad yet, I'll manage," Dan shrugged, "If you say so," "When do you think we should film a gaming video?" Dan barked out a laugh, "What?" He looked at Phil, "that's what has you so lost in thought over there?" "We still should make videos, Dan. So, when works for you?" "Ah, when you can go upstairs?" "I can now," Dan scoffed, "No." "Okay, dad," "Nope nopity nope nope nope, don't call me dad." "Shut up; you know what I meant. I can make it up those stairs; I'll prove it to you." "You can't be serious," "Watch me," he stumbled up, "Phil!" Dan gently pushed him back down. "It's been a week. You are not supposed to try to walk without the crutch for at least two, and even then, maybe longer." "I think those are suggestions, Dan, not requirements." "I wasn't high out of my mind on pain meds when the doctor was speaking." "Low blow," "Realistic, I am being realistic." Dan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "I don't want you to hurt yourself, Phil," "I won't," "You are so annoying right now, please, just stop.  If it's that big of a deal, I'll lug it all down here, and we'll set it on the dining table." "The dining table isn't set up for that, nor is the dining room," Dan squoze his eyes shut, and as calmly as he could, he said, "Please, Phil. Work with me, for fuck sake." Phil looked at Dan regretfully, "You're right, I'm sorry. I just am so useless right now," Dan looked at him and smiled, "You're not, you're injured." "Yeah," "I was serious, though; I will bring it all down if it makes you feel better." "Maybe, we'll see. It's an awful lot of work," "It would be, and it isn't as if they don't know that your ankle is broken, and the gaming room is upstairs." "True." "I know we can't do a gaming video," Phil hesitated a bit, "but what about a joint live show? Are you up for that?" Dan shrugged, "I suppose we could," "I think it may help me focus, you know. Get my head back into it. I want to film a video about the accident." "You mean tonight? Now?" "Why not?" "Right, okay." Dan conceded, at least Phil had given up the idea about going upstairs. "Are you tweeting it, or am I?"

"Hi to Sally, and Tara and Phil's eyelash and Dansfan and Sarah and Hayden and all of you, welcome to the live show," "More like the sofa show, am I right?" Dan added, "What up?" "Several people are asking me to tell the story of my ankle. I am going to film a video about that, so keep an eye out. I will tell you this, and I now have metal in my foot." "Well, it's in your ankle, really." "Close enough. Anyway, look out for that video; it should be a hoot." “A right banger,” Dan winked at the camera.” "What else have we been up to, Dan," "Not much, you have a bum leg, Phil." "Oh, we finished an excellent Anime," "That's true," As the live show continued with the typical banter, Dan noticed that Phil was looking very tired. They had been live for about an hour, so it was time to wrap it up anyway. "Well, Philly, I think it's about that time," "Yeah, I suppose it is. Well, thank you all for coming to the live show! Watch out for a new video, I will see you all very soon," Phil turned to Dan, "Cover the camera," "Rude," "Please?" "Fine, rat," Dan covered it as Phil said, "Goooood-bye," after it disconnected, Phil yawned. "Thanks for doing that with me," "No problem, you okay?" "Yeah, I still feel like this isn't enough," under his the breath, he muttered, "I still think I could make it up those damned stairs."

Sighing, Dan moved closer to Phil, resting his head on his shoulder, "The things I put up with Lester, I swear," "We put up with each other. You don't make it a habit to be easy going either, you know." "Yeah, I suppose that's true. But I have. I never threatened to walk upstairs on a newly broken ankle, either." "You have other things, other emotional things." "Now that's a low blow, you little shit," Dan turned and kissed Phil's cheek. "I call 'em as I see 'em," "Very articulate," "Still true," "You're lucky I love you," Dan whispered in his ear. Phil swallowed hard, "Yeah, I really am," he turned his head, causing Dan to move and brought his hand up to cradle his face, leaning in closer, he paused. "Is this okay?" "Yes," Dan was the first to press his lips into Phil's; the kissing became more passionate, and the entire environment shifted around them. Days of hesitation and the uncomfortable unease melted away as they held each other. Dan's hand tangled into Phil's hair, and Phil's hand loop around Dan's back.  Time passed; it could have been seconds or hours; Phil didn't know which, and he didn't care.  All that mattered right now was the warmth in his chest and the lips trailing further down his neck.  A moan got caught in his throat. "You are so fucking attractive, Phil. And you don't even know it." Dan's hand trailed down his chest, brushing one of his nipples through the fabric. "Shit, Dan,"         "Sorry, is this okay?" "Yes," Phil's voice was almost a whine, a pled to continue. "Never would have taken you for someone who has sensitive nips," Dan pinched one lightly between his thumb and forefinger. "Ah," Phil squirmed, "Interesting," "Dan, please," "Please, what, please, more?" How could Dan be so brave with this part of it? This was what made Phil the most nervous, well that wasn't necessarily true. It was afterward when there was an opportunity for regret that made him the most unsettled "Yes. No, I don't know," Dan paused and looked up at his face, "You're nervous, why?" "I just don't want to push too far," "We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with," Dan dropped his hands. Phil smirked, "Not me, silly, you." "Oh," "Just because we have done stuff before, doesn't mean it's required." "Well, no shit, Phil," "I am just," Phil took a deep breath, trying to ignore the ridiculously hard part of him that wanted to lunge at Dan and start to kiss him again, "Flustered? Wanting? Extremely turned on?" Phil's face blazed an even deeper red, "I'll take that as a yes." Dan brought his hand under Phil's shirt, back to his nipple. "Good, I think I would be offended if you weren't." Dan's lips latched onto his, enticing Phil to moan again.  Slowly Dan's hand made it to Phil's waistband. He dipped his finger beneath it, toying with him. Phil pulled out of the kiss panting, trying to catch his breath, "Jesus, Dan, you're so brave today." "I wanted to distract you from your stupid stairs idea," Dan pushed his fingers in further, the tips of them just brushing the start of pubic hair, but the back of his hand came in contact with his cock. "Ah, it seems I am going a good job." Phil hissed with his inhale, "May I?" Dan's hand pulled back, his fingers tugging at the waistline. "Yeah," Phil watched his hands amazed as he lifted his ass. The movement caused his ankle to protest. "Hey, don't move dingus, let me do it, so you don't hurt yourself." "Right, okay." Dan maneuvered him gently and got his sweats and pants down to lower the hip level. Phil caught the expression on Dan's face, and he had to close his eyes, so he didn't cum instantly. "You are so hard; I haven't done anything." "It's just you, god Dan, I try to keep telling you, but you never," Phil stopped short when a moist warmness enveloped him, his eyes shot open, "Oh my god, Dan," Dan pulled up for a second, "Shut up, Phil,"

Dan helped Phil adjust himself, and once they were finished and Phil was resting his head on Dan's chest, listing to the steady gentle thumping in his chest. The stillness, the peace, the safety; that's what Phil loved most about this. Neither one of them had to be anything; there wasn't assigned roles for them to live up to. It was just them like it always had been, and Phil was okay with that. At that moment, Phil's earlier concerns about time faded away. It didn't matter if Dan wasn't even ready to come out, to call him his boyfriend, or even marry him. It didn't what the rest of the world knew, or what Dan wanted to call it, as long as he had these moments, he would be fine. "I love you, Dan." Dan kissed the top of his head, "I know," he held Phil a little tighter, "I love you too."

Finished! It was actually done earlier this week, but I'm just getting to posting it now. If you want one like this. Or another design, get at me for options! #harrypottercottons #harrypotter #harrypotterquilt #imadethis #localbusiness #camelotfabrics #thankgoditsdone #machinequilting #handquilting #hexiequilt #hexagonquilt #quiltersofinstagram #ontothenextone

2 miles for runFAR.org #thankGoditsdone (στην τοποθεσία West Chester Henderson High School)

I AM SO TIRED. Like straight 3-4 days with no proper sleep. I slept for a total of 9-10 hours during those days.. MAN I AM SO SLEEPY. 😫🔫😂😭👏👏 #thankGoditsdone #everythingisdone #MYEYEBAGSTHO #NOOOO