I haven't seen dancing pumpkin guy ONCE this year, are you guys okay?

This was a wonderful story! Give it a read!!

No Man Is An Island (5/5)

While drunk and desperate to get away from the creatively-stifling hubbub of London, Dan rents a farmhouse on the Isle of Man for four weeks to finish writing his latest book. All he wants is silence. Peace. Solitude.

Then he meets Phil, the farm owners’ dorky, clumsy, stupidly handsome son.

Rating: M

Type: AU, strangers to lovers

tw for this chapter: references to depression and illness of a family member

Chapter 5

From the beginning

A) All sites have age limits; all sites have kids who lie. This falls on the parents not monitoring their children, not the personality. It isn’t as if he had specifically advertised this was for kids. 

PHIL. IS. A 30+ YEAR OLD MAN! 

Let us not forget. 

A hot take, that doesn’t seem like a hot take to me until Twitter starts in:

Also,  I think the smaller creators that were overtaken on Stero do have a right to be upset. No, it wasn’t entirely Phil’s fault, however, I am sure some research may had aided in a smoother start.  It isn’t as if Phannies haven’t crashed or destroyed sites before. (And I am not even implying that it was done maliciously, because I don’t think it was.) Or maybe it wouldn’t have, but I don’t think it’s fair to only blame Phil either. The app knew what they were doing and I don’t think they anticipated the traffic. They could have done research as well.

I mean, let’s be honest, he could have streamed anywhere, but he was offered a sponsorship. A large, established Youtuber who had to have known he would pull in large viewership (Just thinking about YouNow numbers should have told him that, let alone the fact that it’s been awhile since he has had a live show) and perhaps could have prepared a bit better. 

I have heard the same argument that “It’s not up to Phil,” and you’re probably right, but I would hope that as he is doing a sponsorship there were be some sort of professional partnership between them. I would hope that Phil as a person would care about this. 

Also, since this sis seems to be going off right now: Can we please stop attacking people who have different respectful options? Criticism doesn’t equal hate, and as an adult you encounter a lot of it. I am a “Granny Phannie,” I have been there. I would hope that someone would call me out if I do something that I don’t realize is hurtful, And it’s happened to me, does it feel good? Not always. Is it helpful, yeah, yeah it is.

 I don’t hate Phil, I never will. I believe that he perhaps could had done things a little better. I hope that he sees that, and as an avid fan I hope that he sees these concerns and addresses them, because I respect this dude a hell of a lot. 

Ufftah.

i have to laugh at all these twitter phannies claiming phil needs to “apologize” for minors lying about their age to get on an app that is labeled in the app store as meant for adults:

I was working so I wasn’t able to tune in, but when I heard what he was doing, the knee jerk reaction was, “Oh cool!” then when I recalled spontaneous things in interviews back with radio1, I cringed.  I also am nervous and worried about the dumpster fire that is recordings without monitoring to be played.

I have a lot of thoughts about the reason that Phil’s liveshow format and bringing in guests doesn’t entirely work and about 90% of them have to do with the fact that I think Phil is still struggling with a decade of conditioning from being closeted while also interacting with the public. 

It’s true that he’s had a year to get used to talking about things on his own channel, on his own terms, with the ability to edit or during a liveshow by himself where he can view questions before choosing to answer them or not. 

A liveshow with someone else feels like a different ballgame altogether. Especially considering it’s with someone like Louise, who is actually quite good at go-with-the-flow sort of streaming and just having a casual chat. Phil doesn’t casual chat - Phil hyperanalyzes every word out of his mouth and tries to keep his brain three steps ahead of what’s coming out of his mouth at all times. He has first and foremost a bullet point list of things he Will Not be discussing and Louise wasn’t privvy to those. Even if he gave her some basic guidelines this liveshow showed some stumbling blocks that made me sympathetically sigh. The question about if the house was decorated, Louise bringing up Dan during the Pokemon Go story, the fact that she didn’t seem to be aware the dating stories were supposed to stick to the teen years because she had none of those prepared. 

I do think this show was awkward even aside from the technical issues. But I also think that this is a decently big change for Phil, even if it doesn’t seem like one for us; there was safety in interacting with other youtubers when he was closeted and everyone knew it. He’s going to have to navigate those kind of interactions all over again with different boundaries that he’s not entirely sure of and probably neither is anyone else, especially straight people. 

So the app is a burning piece of trash but I hope Phil sticks with the guests thing and I hope by the end of the month he’s a little more comfortable and secure in what he’s doing. I’ve got empathy for him and faith in him. Also, this money better fucking be going into the New Puppy fund. 

Depersonalization/Derealization

Is fucking hell. 

End

Guess what, depression.

My mental heath has been in the toilet I am struggling, a lot. Things are super hard rn, but I am surviving. 

That being said I am working on a fic that already has 12 chapters and may become a series, it was started In March. I think it’s good. I have another that I have been working on for years, that one is amazing, but it takes a lot of mental power and strength to work on.

I am hoping to start posting the first story by the end of the year, (Possible title, still WIP, “Apartment 5E”) 

I like how I post here like I have a lot of followers, I don’t, so if you are here and do follow my shit, thanks friendos!

Kindest wishes,

A spacy and somewhat dissociated Septic. 

:)

Your soul knew it belonged to me. 2.0 END

A03

**Please check out the A03  for a special thank you to the originals of this story, HERE 

Chapter 6: The “B” word

Dan didn't see Phil until the following morning when he was struggling to make coffee again. The apartment had never been more threatening than it was right now, and Dan had to bite his lip to keep from crying.  He knew this was his fault, and he hated it. Cautiously he approached the kitchen.  "I can help you know," "Wouldn't want to inconvenience my flatmate," "Phil, you know that's not, I mean it's not like that."

Phil sighed, "No, course not." He poured the boiling kettle, stirred in the coffee, and leaned against the counter. He refused to meet Dan's eyes. "I can take that out the lounge, if you want to sit, that can't be comfortable," "I'm fine. I told you I didn't want the help before, and you refused to listen." "I know you're hurt from last night; I didn't mean to hurt you." "I know," Phil's tone was cold and clipped." "Phil, I don't know what I can do; what do you want?" "How about an apology? Didn't that ever cross your mind? That's typically what people do when they are shitty and don't mean to be, Dan." Dan's face blazed red; he stared at the floor, and in a voice barely above a whisper, he said, "I'm sorry, Phil. I really am," Phil sighed, his tone softening, "Thank you. Will you please take my coffee to the lounge for me?' Nodding silently, Dan took it and set it down, waited for Phil to sit, and wordlessly went back to his room. He was ashamed, he felt awkward, and he had no idea how to make this better. Surely Phil would want more than some words? He would want noticeably changed behavior too, and Dan wasn't sure he could do that. He didn't know if he would ever indeed be comfortable with "boyfriend." It made him feel such disgust and fear, not because of Phil, though. The reason wasn't ever because of Phil. The reason was because of him. He hated himself so much, especially when he thought about terms that implied he wasn't straight. The strange thing about it is was that as long as he thought of Phil as just that and not a gender, he felt fine. Nothing about them together disgusted him; nothing made him uncomfortable; Dan and Phil together felt right. It was all the other things that had him in a downward spiral.

After an hour or so later, Phil texted Dan. He was famished, and leaning against the counter wasn't a good idea earlier; he was in a lot of pain.  Dan emerged, his hair was a mess, his nose and eyes were red and puffy. Phil sighed; he really hadn't meant to hurt Dan. He was just so angry, so hurt himself that he lashed out. Phil was extremely disappointed with himself that he had done that at all, let alone to Dan. "S'okay, what would you like to eat?" "Cereal is fine," Dan reappeared with what was requested, handed it to him slowly, and waited. When Phil said nothing, he asked, "Did you need anything else right now?" "No," Phil set down his bowl, "but I could use some company," It was risky, Phil knew it was, but he couldn't help himself. Dan rubbed the back of his neck, "Ah, yeah, okay. I'm going to get some coffee." Phil was relieved that Dan had not flat out refused, or just ran away. He knew they needed to talk; he also knew right now Dan's nerves were raw. Phil understood how much anxiety went along with their "things," and he knew Dan was struggling.  He would have to be patient and slow; he needed to respect Dan's resistance to all of this. Phil knew it wasn't Dan's fault. "Do you want to watch anything in particular? Phil asked as Dan sat back down. "No," "Okay," quietly, they watched a show that neither one of them really was able to pay attention to. It was so tense that Phil could barely stand it; It was about a half-hour later when Phil set his hand on Dan's thigh. Dan looked at it, confused, then back up to Phil. "I forgive you, Dan." "Okay, thanks," "We should talk," "There isn't anything to say that I am sure you haven't already come to a conclusion about on your own," Phil frowned, "I am trying not to assume how you feel, Dan." "Since when?" Dan said, hesitantly, "Sure did last night," Phil sighed, "That's fair. I did do that." "Yeah, you did. And it's not that I don't want to, you know," Dan motioned between them, "be this, us, together. Just to be clear." "Okay," "I just," Dan took a deep breath, "It's just fucking scary, Phil." Phil didn't allow any emotion to pass onto his face, "What about it?" "Everything. Labels, the emotions, you, and me. All of it. I am terrified." Phil grasped his hand, "It's okay to be sacred," "But it's not, look what happened last night. I hurt you, badly but something my body did without my consent, so it isn't okay, is it? I don't know how to control that shit, Phil. Christ, I didn't even really know what happened until you had left," Phil shook his head, "I've figured that out now, I'm sorry, Dan." "Why are you, sorry? I was the once who recoiled at a common word, one that I had already used, that is supposed to bring delight and joy." "I'm sorry that I reacted like that. It wasn't fair of me. I let my own insecurities get the better of me without even a thought to yours. I really should have handled it better; I should have been kinder to you." "Stop fucking doing that! You defend me when I am an asshole all of the time, and I hate it. You don't have to defend what a shit person I am. It's not like I don't know I am an asshole, Phil." "No, you're not! You are fucking scared; you've mentioned it before. I should have been more considerate of your feelings. I should have talked about it with you, you were clearly upset, and I just walked away. I know you aren't out, I know you won't be ready to come out for a long time, if ever. That's okay. I told you before it was. I am not making excuses for myself; I don't have a right to; last night, I was just overly tired and sore, and I reacted like a spoiled brat having a fit. I didn't see it like that at the time, nor this morning, but I do now. I am sorry, I am so sorry that I didn't see through the surface shit to see the war that was raging inside. I didn't see that you are scared and hurting, not ashamed." He smiled, sadly, "Rational minded Phil knows that he just wasn't present until now." "I don't know what to say. You will disagree with everything I do," "It's okay to be mad and hurt by me. I was pretty callous towards you as a friend, let alone anything else." "This is so stupid, in 10 years it won't even matter, so it's fine." "We are not in the future, Dan. It does matter; it matters now. What can I do?" "Hell, I don't even know. I don't know what I even feel. I know last night I was upset, but I was upset because of how hurt you were. I didn't think how you reacted was out of line, honestly. Besides, I don't know what to do myself, let alone know what to tell you to do." "Then, we will figure it out together, yeah?" "Right," "Dan, please be patient with yourself. This is a huge thing; it's harder for you, I know that. I know about your past. Things right now are not ideal, but you are allowed to need time to figure this out." "I hope that's true because I've no idea how long it's going to take me to figure it out." "That's okay, there isn't a time limit on healing, nor is it linear, do this at your own pace," "I am afraid I am going to fuck it up," "How?" "What happens when my pace is too slow?" "I'm not sure what you're asking me?" "For you, I mean," "I guess I haven't made it clear enough. This isn't about me, Dan, it's," "How long will you wait?" Dan blurted out, cutting him off. "Oh Dan," Phil grabbed his hand, "I've been waiting for years already, this isn't a guilt trip, far from it. Have I ever indicated that I wasn't happy being with you? I have been content with the amazing friendship we have built. What makes you think I am not ready to wait years for us to build even more?" "Age, mostly." "I can't imagine a life where you are not in it, please don't worry about that. I am not going anywhere." "Okay," Dan mostly believed him; he still wasn't entirely convinced. "You're just going to have to trust me," "I do trust you; I don't trust me. I know, astoundingly cliché, but it's true." "I trust you," "One of us should," "Is there anything else you want to say?" "God, no, let's end this now. I've already reached my emotional vulnerability quota for the next three weeks," Phil snorted a laugh, "Noted, thank you for opening up." "Yeah, yeah. Can we play Mario cart or something?" "Sure, Dan," Phil knew he needed a distraction to keep the mind demons away, "But don't think I am going to go easy on yah, Danny boy," "Bring it on, Lester. Can't even use your bum leg as an excuse, and you have no others, so prepare to lose." "Yeah, be prepared to eat my shells!"

Phil lost, over and over again, but the happiness returning to Dan's face was worth it. They played for hours, and for the first time in a long time, things felt normal again. "Okay, that's enough, I concede, you win." Dan rolled his eyes, "Obviously," "Dominoes?" "Sure, you're buying." "Yeah, yeah,"   Phil placed the order while Dan went to shower, leaving Phil alone. He wondered how long it would take for Dan to be comfortable doing couples things, being relaxed about being together, if he'd ever want to get married, and the list went on and on. He meant what he had said about waiting; he would respect Dan every step of the way. It didn't mean that he was 100% okay with it.  He would never breathe a word of this to Dan, but he would be lying if he said he wasn't concerned about it. Though he knew that he had no say in how Dan processed this, when he "came out" or any of the following things that went with them, Phil hoped that he would be able to be more supportive in the future. He knew last night's actions could never happen again; it would take him a long time to forgive himself for them. "Phil, I can tell you're in pain. You should just take the meds." Phil sighed, "It's not that bad yet, I'll manage," Dan shrugged, "If you say so," "When do you think we should film a gaming video?" Dan barked out a laugh, "What?" He looked at Phil, "that's what has you so lost in thought over there?" "We still should make videos, Dan. So, when works for you?" "Ah, when you can go upstairs?" "I can now," Dan scoffed, "No." "Okay, dad," "Nope nopity nope nope nope, don't call me dad." "Shut up; you know what I meant. I can make it up those stairs; I'll prove it to you." "You can't be serious," "Watch me," he stumbled up, "Phil!" Dan gently pushed him back down. "It's been a week. You are not supposed to try to walk without the crutch for at least two, and even then, maybe longer." "I think those are suggestions, Dan, not requirements." "I wasn't high out of my mind on pain meds when the doctor was speaking." "Low blow," "Realistic, I am being realistic." Dan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "I don't want you to hurt yourself, Phil," "I won't," "You are so annoying right now, please, just stop.  If it's that big of a deal, I'll lug it all down here, and we'll set it on the dining table." "The dining table isn't set up for that, nor is the dining room," Dan squoze his eyes shut, and as calmly as he could, he said, "Please, Phil. Work with me, for fuck sake." Phil looked at Dan regretfully, "You're right, I'm sorry. I just am so useless right now," Dan looked at him and smiled, "You're not, you're injured." "Yeah," "I was serious, though; I will bring it all down if it makes you feel better." "Maybe, we'll see. It's an awful lot of work," "It would be, and it isn't as if they don't know that your ankle is broken, and the gaming room is upstairs." "True." "I know we can't do a gaming video," Phil hesitated a bit, "but what about a joint live show? Are you up for that?" Dan shrugged, "I suppose we could," "I think it may help me focus, you know. Get my head back into it. I want to film a video about the accident." "You mean tonight? Now?" "Why not?" "Right, okay." Dan conceded, at least Phil had given up the idea about going upstairs. "Are you tweeting it, or am I?"

"Hi to Sally, and Tara and Phil's eyelash and Dansfan and Sarah and Hayden and all of you, welcome to the live show," "More like the sofa show, am I right?" Dan added, "What up?" "Several people are asking me to tell the story of my ankle. I am going to film a video about that, so keep an eye out. I will tell you this, and I now have metal in my foot." "Well, it's in your ankle, really." "Close enough. Anyway, look out for that video; it should be a hoot." “A right banger,” Dan winked at the camera.” "What else have we been up to, Dan," "Not much, you have a bum leg, Phil." "Oh, we finished an excellent Anime," "That's true," As the live show continued with the typical banter, Dan noticed that Phil was looking very tired. They had been live for about an hour, so it was time to wrap it up anyway. "Well, Philly, I think it's about that time," "Yeah, I suppose it is. Well, thank you all for coming to the live show! Watch out for a new video, I will see you all very soon," Phil turned to Dan, "Cover the camera," "Rude," "Please?" "Fine, rat," Dan covered it as Phil said, "Goooood-bye," after it disconnected, Phil yawned. "Thanks for doing that with me," "No problem, you okay?" "Yeah, I still feel like this isn't enough," under his the breath, he muttered, "I still think I could make it up those damned stairs."

Sighing, Dan moved closer to Phil, resting his head on his shoulder, "The things I put up with Lester, I swear," "We put up with each other. You don't make it a habit to be easy going either, you know." "Yeah, I suppose that's true. But I have. I never threatened to walk upstairs on a newly broken ankle, either." "You have other things, other emotional things." "Now that's a low blow, you little shit," Dan turned and kissed Phil's cheek. "I call 'em as I see 'em," "Very articulate," "Still true," "You're lucky I love you," Dan whispered in his ear. Phil swallowed hard, "Yeah, I really am," he turned his head, causing Dan to move and brought his hand up to cradle his face, leaning in closer, he paused. "Is this okay?" "Yes," Dan was the first to press his lips into Phil's; the kissing became more passionate, and the entire environment shifted around them. Days of hesitation and the uncomfortable unease melted away as they held each other. Dan's hand tangled into Phil's hair, and Phil's hand loop around Dan's back.  Time passed; it could have been seconds or hours; Phil didn't know which, and he didn't care.  All that mattered right now was the warmth in his chest and the lips trailing further down his neck.  A moan got caught in his throat. "You are so fucking attractive, Phil. And you don't even know it." Dan's hand trailed down his chest, brushing one of his nipples through the fabric. "Shit, Dan,"         "Sorry, is this okay?" "Yes," Phil's voice was almost a whine, a pled to continue. "Never would have taken you for someone who has sensitive nips," Dan pinched one lightly between his thumb and forefinger. "Ah," Phil squirmed, "Interesting," "Dan, please," "Please, what, please, more?" How could Dan be so brave with this part of it? This was what made Phil the most nervous, well that wasn't necessarily true. It was afterward when there was an opportunity for regret that made him the most unsettled "Yes. No, I don't know," Dan paused and looked up at his face, "You're nervous, why?" "I just don't want to push too far," "We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with," Dan dropped his hands. Phil smirked, "Not me, silly, you." "Oh," "Just because we have done stuff before, doesn't mean it's required." "Well, no shit, Phil," "I am just," Phil took a deep breath, trying to ignore the ridiculously hard part of him that wanted to lunge at Dan and start to kiss him again, "Flustered? Wanting? Extremely turned on?" Phil's face blazed an even deeper red, "I'll take that as a yes." Dan brought his hand under Phil's shirt, back to his nipple. "Good, I think I would be offended if you weren't." Dan's lips latched onto his, enticing Phil to moan again.  Slowly Dan's hand made it to Phil's waistband. He dipped his finger beneath it, toying with him. Phil pulled out of the kiss panting, trying to catch his breath, "Jesus, Dan, you're so brave today." "I wanted to distract you from your stupid stairs idea," Dan pushed his fingers in further, the tips of them just brushing the start of pubic hair, but the back of his hand came in contact with his cock. "Ah, it seems I am going a good job." Phil hissed with his inhale, "May I?" Dan's hand pulled back, his fingers tugging at the waistline. "Yeah," Phil watched his hands amazed as he lifted his ass. The movement caused his ankle to protest. "Hey, don't move dingus, let me do it, so you don't hurt yourself." "Right, okay." Dan maneuvered him gently and got his sweats and pants down to lower the hip level. Phil caught the expression on Dan's face, and he had to close his eyes, so he didn't cum instantly. "You are so hard; I haven't done anything." "It's just you, god Dan, I try to keep telling you, but you never," Phil stopped short when a moist warmness enveloped him, his eyes shot open, "Oh my god, Dan," Dan pulled up for a second, "Shut up, Phil,"

Dan helped Phil adjust himself, and once they were finished and Phil was resting his head on Dan's chest, listing to the steady gentle thumping in his chest. The stillness, the peace, the safety; that's what Phil loved most about this. Neither one of them had to be anything; there wasn't assigned roles for them to live up to. It was just them like it always had been, and Phil was okay with that. At that moment, Phil's earlier concerns about time faded away. It didn't matter if Dan wasn't even ready to come out, to call him his boyfriend, or even marry him. It didn't what the rest of the world knew, or what Dan wanted to call it, as long as he had these moments, he would be fine. "I love you, Dan." Dan kissed the top of his head, "I know," he held Phil a little tighter, "I love you too."

Your soul knew it belonged to me 2.0

Chapter 5: Labels

A03

Dan woke up alone. As he glanced at his phone, he noticed it was well after 2:00 PM. "Fuck," getting up that late meant nothing would be accomplished, but if Dan were honest, he was okay with that. Time didn't matter anyway. Yawning and stretching, he walked out of his room and glanced into Phil's; he wasn't there. "Phil?" He called, but he never got a response. When he found Phil, he was in the kitchen, sitting on the floor with his back pressed against the cabinets. Dan smirked, "What the hell are you doing?" Phil jumped. "Oh, hey." Phil's voice sounded off. "Are you okay?" Dan sank down next to him on the floor. "Yeah, I'm fine." "Why are you sitting on the kitchen floor?" "Um," Phil cocked his head at Dan, "Just thinking." "Oh, been down here long? Are YOU having a crisis, Phil?" "Awhile, and I'm not sure. I am fine, just, you know, thinking about Lions."

 Phil's face was paler than usual. "Lions? Now? While sitting on the kitchen floor?" Dan chuckled, "Did you get into the wine again?" "It's my kitchen too. I'll sit where I please!" Phil snapped. Dan raised his eyebrow, "Relax, mate. Bloody hell, what has gotten into you?" Dan narrowed his eyes, giving him a questioning look. "Phil? Did you hurt yourself?" "What? No." Phil blushed, "You suck at lying." "No, I don't!" Phil closed his eyes and leaned back into the counter. Dan shook his head, "How bad?" "What?" "How bad did you hurt yourself you spoon," Phil sighed, "I can't stand on my leg. Or maybe it's my ankle, but I fall every time I try." "What the hell happened?" "I fell. Shocking, I know, but I can't put weight on it." "How did you manage that? Is it broken?" "I'm sure it's not broken," Phil said, unconvincingly and blushed. "I may or may not have been dancing." Dan tried not to laugh, "Oh Phil, you are adorable." He stood up, bent down, and lifted Phil underneath his arms, helping him up. "Okay, lean on me until we get to the chairs." They slowly crossed the room, and Dan helped Phil sit down. "Put it up, yeah?" Phil tried and yelped in pain, "I don't know if I can by myself." Dan was now reasonably sure it was broken. "Okay, I will try to lift it, if it hurts too bad, stop me," as Dan reached down to attempt to lift his leg, he felt a large bump on the side of Phil's ankle, his stomach clenched. He had barely brushed it, and Phil cried out in agony. "Phil, you need a doctor." "No, I'm such a baby. I'm okay; try again." Phil was starting to panic. "Phil," Dan said gently. "I'm sorry, it's fine. Maybe some ice?" Phil rambled on. "Phil, come on." "I just need some ice and tablets, "Phil said sternly, tears filling his eyes. "For fuck sake, Phil. Your ankle is broken." "No, it's not." Dan could tell Phil was embarrassed, but he was also scared. He thought back to when Phil had to rush him to A & E all those years ago back when he was at Uni. Dan smiled fondly, knowing the panic. Phil usually wasn't like this. "It's going to be okay, Phil, but we have to go to A &E." "I am such an idiot," he muttered. "Let me go put some actual clothes on. We are going." "Yeah, okay. I think it's broken." "Obviously," They had been in the waiting room for about an hour when it was their turn. "Phil Lester?" "That's us," Dan said as the nurse brought a wheelchair to him. Dan got up to follow. "You need to stay here." She said. Dan didn't like her tone. "Why?" "No friends, we will let you know," Dan cut her off. "I am his boyfriend, and I am going with him." The nurse rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Fine." Phil was in pain, so much pain. He couldn't ever remember a time when he had hurt his much, even when he had broken other bones. He heard Dan call him his boyfriend, but it was like it was a dream. They got in the room, and the nurse roughly lifted him out of the chair and got him onto the bed. Phil whined in pain. "Hey! Be careful!" Dan snapped. "He's fine." She said, leaving the room. "What a fucking," "Dan, please." Phil shook his head; he was too tired to deal with a Dan tirade right now. Dan's face was red, fists balled, and Phil could tell he was seething. "I just want to get this over with and go home." Dan helped him get into a more comfortable position as they waited. "Breathe, close your eyes, Phil. Just rest." Phil nodded. The next thing he knew, a voice was waking him up. "Phil, is it?" "Yeah." "I'm Doctor Dickson," he turned to Dan, "And you're?" "Dan." The doctor nodded, smiled, sat down in a chair, and wheeled himself closer to the bed. "So, what happened, Phil?" "I, ah, slipped in the kitchen." The doctor nodded and carefully pulled up Phil's pant leg and removed his sock. Phil hissed in pain. Dr. Dickson winced. "I'm sorry. I don't need an X-ray to tell me that it is broken, but I do need it to figure out how badly." He wheeled back to his clipboard and scribbled a few notes. "X-ray is pretty busy today, so that it may be a while, I'm sorry. How bad is the pain?" Phil blinked and sighed, "It hurts." "1 being the least pain you've been in, ten is the worst you have ever felt. Where are you at?" "10, absolutely a 10." "Okay. I will have the nurse get an IV hooked up to see if we can't get that knocked down at least a few numbers, okay?" "Yeah, okay." Phil didn't care what they gave him; he just wanted to sleep. "Dr. Dickson?" Dan asked, "Yes?" "Can I talk to you for a minute?" he nodded towards the hall. "I'll have the nurse come in right away, Phil," Phil nodded and closed his eyes. Once in the hall, Dan said. "I would like a different nurse." "Okay? Was there a problem?" "She was rude. She was not gentle." "That's unlike her." the doctor said, confused. "Do you think I'm lying? I don't think she likes the fact that Phil is my boyfriend, Doctor Dickson." Dan was starting to get frustrated, "Listen, we are not good in public as it is. Phil is scared, and my nerves are fried. I am not trying to be an asshole, maybe she's just having a bad day, or I am too sensitive. I just want someone who is a bit better with the bedside manner, yeah?" "Understood." "Thank you." Dan went back to Phil, who seemed even paler than he was before. Dan hated feeling helpless but discovered he hated it even more when it came to him not being able to help Phil.  He pulled the chair next to the bed and softly stroked Phil's hand. "What was that all about?" Phil asked, not opening his eyes. "Nothing," "You asked for a different nurse, didn't you?" "Maybe," the conversation ended there as another person entered the room. "Hello, Phil, Dan. He said, "I'm Jake." Jake was clearly American and probably in his late thirties. "You guys used to be on the BBC, right?" He asked as he started to prepare the IV. "Yes, we were," Dan said, smiling slightly. "Well, I am sorry to see you in here," Dan liked him. He was nice. "So Phil, I am going to give you some pretty strong pain meds. They may make you vomit. You will probably feel sleepy, that's okay. You will be loopy, and it's not as if you could anyway with that ankle, but I am required to tell you not to drive." Dan laughed a little, "He won't be driving." Jake smiled. "Good. So, I am going to start the drip low. I will hang around a few minutes to see if I need to increase it." Phil didn't even care at this point; he just slightly nodded. "Okay, I have to start the Iv first, right-handed?" "Yeah," Phil glanced nervously at Dan. "Needle shy, huh?" Phil nodded again, still looking at Dan. "We are almost ready, Phil. I am going to count to 5, okay?" "Right," "You just keep looking at Dan, imagine there is a spot on his forehead, look at that. Don't take your eyes off of it, okay?" "I can't believe you are this scared of a needle, your fucking ankle is broken," Dan said to Phil. "Okay, Phil, you looking at that spot?" "Yeah," Jake started to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5" "It's in?" Phil asked, confused as Dan laughed. "Phil, it was in at three," he looked up at Jake, "you're good." "Well, they do call me the Iv whisperer." He hung the bag of fluids. "Okay, Phil, Medicine is starting to go in. You should start to feel warm after a bit." Dan looked at Phil; he could tell when Phil could start to feel it, his face relaxed a little. "How yah doing, Phil?" Jake asked. "I don't know," Phil was still noticeably anxious. "Then, you need a little more." Dan looked at Jake again, and they both exchanged knowing looks. "Phil, don't you dare puke on me, you little shit," "Dan, please." Phil chastised. A few minutes had passed quietly, Phil still was looking towards Dan. "Okay, Phil, how yah doing now?" Jake asked. "Dan, your eyes are like, are like chocolate lab puppies." Dan burst out laughing, and Jake chuckled a little bit. "I think you're good, my friend," Jake gently patted his shoulder. "Here's a sick bag, just in case. Dan, the call button is on the left, wrapped around the bed. I'll be back in a little bit." "Dan?" Dan could tell that he was, well, Phil was extremely high on the painkillers. "What's up, Phil?" "Do you remember the Manchester flat?" "Of Course, Phil," Dan said, smiling. It was cute; Phil was nostalgic. "Shhh, Shhh. I have to tell you a secret, Danny Boy." Dan bit his lip, so he didn't laugh. "What up, Philly?" Phil pulled Dan closer to the bed and whispered. "I watched, sometimes, you know." "Watched what?" Dan whispered back "The windows," Phil said "The windows?" Dan looked at him, confused as Phil wiggled his eyebrows. "Oh My God, Phil!" Phil winked and smiled, his tongue sticking out in between his teeth to the side. "What? Tbh you know it's true." "Phil, you are lucky you are hooked up to whatever that is. Don't. Just don't use tbh like that. Ever again." Dan shook his head in mock disgust. "Dan, am I dying?" "What? No." Phil tried to move and then cried out in pain. "Phil, you spork, you've broken your ankle. Stop moving." Phil had closed his eyes for about 20 minutes. Suddenly he woke up. "Oh. Oh yeah." Phil raised his eyebrows, excited. "What?" "I was dancing, thinking about dancing with you. I slipped." He slammed his hand on the bed rail for emphasis. "That's how I fell!" Dan jumped, "You want to dance with me, huh?" "Yeah, I've always wanted to hold you to my chest and dance with you." Dan blushed and looked at his feet. "Oh, did I make you blush, Danny?" "Shut up, okay?" Dan said, laughing. "Wait, where's my phone?" "In my pocket, why?" "Let's take a hospital selfie for Twitter." "Um, Phil, I don't think that's a good idea." "It is the best idea." Dan shook his head. "Okay, dingus, let me take it, you have a needle in your hand." "Right," Dan leaned in, making his iconic "This guy" face, Phil was wearing his classic "Sad pout." Phil's eyes drooped, but it was okay. They fit with the pout. "Tweet it," Phil said, voice shaking. "Are you okay?" "Yeah, cold, and it's starting to hurt again," "I got you," Dan got up and pushed the call button, and Jake appeared pretty quickly. "What's up, guys?" He asked. "Phil said he is cold and in pain again." "Okay, I'll go get more blankets and give you another dose." "Dan?" Phil asked. "Yeah?" "I love you. Thank you." Dan blushed, leaned in, and kissed his forehead. "You're welcome, Phillip." Jake was back shortly with the blankets and gave Phil a more potent dose, making him close his eyes almost immediately. "If you want to walk around or go get some coffee or something, he probably is going to sleep for a while. It's going to be at least two hours until the X-ray department is free." Dan sighed, "Yeah, okay." He scribbled down his number. "Call me if he wakes up, and I am not here, okay?" "You got it," Dan called Phil's family, texted a few friends, posted the selfie explained what had happened, and then went to the cafeteria. He kicked himself for not saying he loved Phil back. As much as Dan wanted the "thing" he and Phil had, he was still unsure of the love. He had fought it so long, and now it was just out there, in the open, ready to be destroyed. Dan hoped Phil wasn't hurt. As he ate his sandwich and drank a coffee, he checked Twitter. Their fans were doing what Dan had expected and were freaking out. Dan replied to a few Tweets, finished his food, and made his way back to Phil. As he entered the room, Phil's eyes started to flutter open. "Hey." Dan said, "How are you feeling?" "Strange," "It's okay, Philly. They have you on the good stuff." Phil didn't even smile; Dan could tell he was done. "Go home, Dan," Phil said Dan frowned. "What?" "You are clearly tired, and I am sure you are bored. I can call you when I need help to get home." "No." Dan sat down "It's fine, Dan." "Well, it's not fucking fine with me, Okay?" "Dan," "No, Phil. Drop it. I am not leaving unless you are with me." Phil was quiet for a while then said. "Thank you." Dan's dimple popped out as he smiles. "You're welcome." He took Phil's IV free hand and held it. "You know, the universe would rip in half if we did go further apart." Dan winked, and Phil finally smiled.

Phil had surgery and was released two days later, Dan refusing to leave his side. They argued about this, but Dan wasn't going to let it go, and Phil was too tired to fight it. Phil was in a walking cast with crutches he didn't use, and a knee scooter when he was out and about. He was really embarrassed about the whole ordeal, but he was glad to be home.

The exciting thing about their relationship was that they didn't have to be "lovey-dovey" all the time. In fact, since Phil had fallen, they hadn't been affectionate towards each other at all.  Dan got Phil settled into bed when they had gotten home, gave him his tablets, and let him sleep. He left both doors open so Phil could call out to him if he needed it. Dan was agitated with how stubborn he was regarding needing help.  It was going to be a long six weeks, Dan reckoned.

The sound of ceramic shattering awoke Dan. He jolted out of bed into the kitchen to find Phil precariously balancing with his crutches, trying to pick up shards of the smashed mug he had dropped. "Phil, you should have asked for help," Dan scolded. "I was fine, and I just dropped it," "Right, go, sit. I assume you were trying to make coffee?" Dan had to bite his lip to keep from laughing at the scowling pout on Phil's face. "Yeah," he muttered as he hobbled out of the room. Dan made them both coffee and brought it out to the lounge; Phil looked really tired. "Did you sleep at all?" "What? Yeah, some." Dan handed him his cup, "Are you in pain?" "I have screws in my ankle, Dan, what do you think?" "Okay, grumpy, calm down," Phil sighed, "Sorry," "It's alright," Dan sat next to him, sipping his own coffee. "Do you need tablets?" "Maybe, have to eat something," "Okay, what do you want?" "Dan, I can get it, you don't have to wait on me," "Really?" Dan rolled his eyes, "Stop being so fucking stubborn and accept the help." "I don't want to have help!" "I know. You still need it, Phil. You've got to get over it," "Fine," Dan's expression softened as he leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss into the side of Phil's mouth, "I know this is rough, just let me take care of you, yeah?" Phil's cheeks tinged pink as he smiled shyly, "Okay," "So, what do you fancy?" "Whatever is fine, Dan." "Pancakes it is," Dan stood up before Phil had time to protest.

After Phil ate and took his tablets, he started to doze on the couch. Dan felt helpless, he knew it wasn't true, but he wanted nothing more than to take away the pain. He kept thinking back to when Phil said he wanted to dance with him. It made him uncomfortable. It just seemed so; Dan shook his head at himself. Gay. It seemed so gay.  Dan pushed the thought out of his head quickly. "Dan, will you get me some water?" "Yeah, sure," Dan handed him the glass, "Thanks, are you okay?" "What? Yeah, I'm fine," "Liar," "It's fine, Phil, just thinking." "Mm," Phil took a large drink and set down the glass, "About what?" "You don't need to worry about me, how's the ankle?" "It's okay right now. I really wish you wouldn't dodge my questions." "I don't want to talk about it," "So, it was about me then, us maybe," Dan sighed, "I am trying, Phil." "If I did something," "No," Dan cut him off, "It wasn't you, it's me. It's my brain." "Well, tell your brain to shut up because it's making you sad, and I don't like it, boyfriend's orders," Phil smiled, but Dan cringed. "Oh," "Phil," "It wasn't a problem at the hospital," Dan didn't respond. Phil fumbled and clumsily and got up. He reached for his crutch, and Dan handed it to him. "Wait, Phil, don't go," "No," he held up his free hand. "Phil, come on," "I need to be alone," Phil's attempt at slamming his door would have made Dan laugh had he seen the look of hurt on his face.  His cringe wasn't voluntary; he didn't intentionally want to make Phil hurt. He never wanted to make Phil hurt intentionally; why was this so fucking hard? It wasn't that he didn't want to be with Phil; he knew he did. It was the fucking labels that were the problem. "God, damn it."

Your Soul knew it belonged to me.

Chapter 4: Openness

A03

"Damn it," Dan whispered harshly, waking Phil up. "What's the matter?" "Nothing, go back to sleep. I'm fine." "No, you're not," Phil opened his eyes; Dan's back was to him, and Phil's arm was loosely on his side. He sluggishly sat up. "Let it go, Phil," his tone told Phil that he shouldn't ask again, so Phil pulled Dan closer to him and laid back down. Dan groaned and was squirming, but Phil could tell he was trying to keep it contained. Phil knew Dan was uncomfortable, but he wasn't sure why. 

It made him sad, but he never wanted to disrespect Dan's boundaries, at least not any more than he already had. "Dan, if you don't want me to hold you, just say so. I'll stop." Dan sighed, frustrated, "It's fine," he forced himself to be still. Phil knew it wasn't. He started to pull his arm back to his side and hurried away from Dan. "Really, Dan, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. Dan sighed again, huffing at the end. He wasn't uncomfortable with Phil holding him. That was the problem. Dan grabbed Phil's arm, "Phil, you cuddling me, isn't a problem, okay?" "Right," Phil didn't believe him; clearly, he was upset. He was impressed; Dan hadn't gotten up and left yet if he were honest. "Really, Phil," Phil noticed Dan's voice was different. "Dan, it's okay, I'm not mad." Dan knew he wasn't mad. It was worse than that, Phil was hurt. "I know." Phil could hear Dan's heart beating quicker; he was nervous. Phil sighed; he started to pull his arm out of Dan's grasp when Dan tightened his grip. There was a brief pause, Dan's hand was trembling. "I am clearly making you uncomfortable. It's okay, Dan, I will move," he was cut off by Dan pulling Phil's arm down his body, placing it on the cause of all of this. When contact was made, Dan moaned. Phil gasped, he had misunderstood entirely, and now he could feel that Dan was hard, painfully hard. Dan's hand was still on top of Phil's, holding it in place, Phil wondered how he could be so still.  Phil muttered a soft but surprised "Oh," he never even imagined that this could be the problem. "You can move if you don't," Dan was silenced when Phil flexed his fingers, a moan escaped his lips. Phil felt himself harden, and he whispered in Dan's ear, "Hm, damn it indeed." Dan shifted as a moan escaped his throat. "Do you want me to move my hand, Dan?" Phil's voice was confident and husky, but he wasn't going to do anything Dan didn't want. He gasped and shook his head, slowly moving his hand away from Phil's. This was new territory for them. "And here I thought I had crossed a line while all you needed was a little attention." Phil mused, flexing his fingers again. Dan shuttered as a desperate "Shut up." escaped his lips unknowingly. Phil planted a kiss on the top of Dan's head. "What, do you want, Dan?" "Fucking hell," "That's not an answer, is it?" "A-anything. Or Nothing if you want. Fuck." Dan's hips thrust slightly forward. Phil pressed himself into Dan, letting him feel what he had done. He ghosted his lips on Dan's ear and softly said: "In case you thought this was one-sided again." Dan moaned louder. Phil now started to palm Dan through his sweat pants, slow and steady. "Turnover?" Phil asked, removing his hand. Dan did so, facing Phil, the duvet falling to the other side of them. Phil winced at the bruise on Dan's face and eye. It looked painful. When Phil met Dan's eyes; however,  there was no sign of pain; they were wild and wanting. "Dan, I know you are worked up right now, but I want you to be sure this is okay. I need to be sure." Phil gently traced his finger on the diminishing bump on Dan's forehead. Dan didn't speak. Instead, he pushed his lips into Phil's, soon their tongues were colliding. Phil pulled Dan closer to him, moaning into his mouth, tugging slightly on his hair. He felt like he was soaring and was unable to think of another time he had ever felt this intense level of desire. Phil didn't want to stop, and it took all of his willpower to separate from Dan, but this wasn't an answer. Phil knew he was already losing control. He pulled away. "I need words, Dan." Phil's eyes darted back and forth, searching for any hesitation. He found none. Dan groaned. "Yes, Phil. I am okay; this is okay." Dan smashed his face back into Phil's as they started to move against each other. Phil pulled away, pushing Dan onto his back, and continued palming him through his clothes. Phil started to become concerned when he could tell Dan was becoming unsure and nervous. "Dan," Phil was worried, and he started to slow down. "I want this Phil," Dan said with conviction, "It's just that," he looked into Phil's eyes. "This is new for me," he closed his eyes and with his voice barely above a whisper, he said, "I have wanted this for a long time, but, Phil, I haven't ever, you know, with a, a guy I mean," Dan trailed off. This time Phil moaned, slowly slipping his hand into Dan's sweats, palming him through his pants. Dan's breathing sped up again, and he was trying not to rut into Phil's hand. Phil took pity on him, and his hand slipped into Dan's pants, only slightly touching flesh. Dan moaned, his eyes shot open and met Phil's "Do you like that, Dan?" Phil whispered, huskily. Dan moaned again, thrusting his hips. "I guess so." Phil sped up his pace, focusing only on the feel of Dan's skin against his hand. It took him by surprise when he felt Dan's hand slip under his clothes and then onto him. The sensation that shot through his body was unlike anything he had ever felt. "Oh my God," he choked out. Dan's eyes were now closed, his mouth hanging slightly open. Phil would have had his eyes closed too, but he couldn't stop looking at Dan. He was watching him come undone. Dan was about to cum, Phil moaned knowing he was the reason why. "Oh god, Phil. I, it's never felt like," a strangled moan escaped his lips. "Close," Dan whimpered. Phil sped up, knowing he was not going to last much longer, either. Dan's hand felt good, but it was Dan's expression that was really getting Phil off. Urgency, neediness, and blissed-out pleasure was spread over Dan's face. It was the hottest thing Phil had ever seen. "You feel amazing in my hand, Dan," Phil's voice was intense and laced with sleep. Dan whimpered. "You are so hard," Dan's face contorted, and Phil knew he had cum even before the warmth hit is hand. As he watched the pleasure cross Dan's face, his own orgasm hit him hard; he thrust into Dan's hand, the image of Dan's release pushing him over the edge. Phil reached up with his free hand, cradling Dan's face, and kissed him, soft and sweetly. He had almost said that he loved Dan, but the kiss effectively blocked the words from coming out. It was probably too soon.  As they both slowly withdrew hands from each other, Phil rolled on his back, panting. His mind spun. Only moments ago, they were both asleep, and now they had seen each other cum. Was it too soon for that also? Was this going to mess up their "thing?" Phil only would regret this if it had hurt Dan, who had not spoken or looked at Phil as of yet. Phil nervously shifted. As if Dan could read Phil's mind, he murmured, "I'm okay, Phil," His voice was soft and contented, but something was off. "Are you sure?" Dan turned his head and smiled at him. "I am sure." Satisfied with the answer, Phil sighed. "You can have the shower first if you want." "Oh, what a true gentleman!" Dan said, smirking as he got up. "Hey, shut up." Phil countered but also smiled. After showering and eating, both Dan and Phil were back to editing videos. They both were acting shy around each other after their encounter earlier. The awkward tension of this was something they hadn't felt in years. Nervous glances when they met in the hallway, red-tinged cheeks when they made eye contact, it was as if it were 7 to 8 years ago. Phil would be lying if he said it didn't make him smile. There was something about the uneasiness that he missed in their relationship. It held a particular place of endearment in his heart, and it was nice to see it and feel it again. It was nearing 7 when Phil noticed he was starting to get hungry. He saved his progress, stretched, and looked at Dan's shut door. Phil knocked, but there was no response. He slowly turned the knob and peeked in, as he had done many times before. Dan was slouched over fast asleep; Phil slowly started to rub his back. "Yeah." He mumbled. "You fell asleep," Phil said. "Shit." Dan moaned, sitting up, rotating his neck. "Are you okay If I order Pizza? I am starving." "Yeah, Pizza." Dan yawned, "I am going to finish this and hopefully not fall asleep again." He smiled bashfully, and Phil couldn't help but smile in return. "I'll come to get you when Pizza is here." "Thanks, Phil," Dan said, softly grasping his hand. Phil blushed and exited the room. They both ate in silence; things again were tense. Dan wanted Nothing more than to tell Phil how amazing the morning was, how it was one of his literal dreams come true, but he didn't have the courage. Phil hadn't said anything either, so Dan figured that's the way he wanted it. Maybe it wasn't right for Phil, perhaps Dan had been too embarrassing, or maybe Phil just wanted to pretend it didn't happen.  Had he pushed Phil into what happened?  Phil would never say something if he thought it would embarrass Dan, even if he was not okay with it. Phil was obsessing. Was Dan having second thoughts? Did he push him too far? Was he lying when he said he was okay? Was Dan completely uncomfortable with him now? He probably should have stopped it, but it felt so right.  Phil sighed louder than he intended. "What, Phil?" "Nothing. Sorry." "No, something is wrong." Dan set his Pizza down, looking him in the eyes. "Please be honest with me, it's okay." "It's really just me," "Phil," Dan said softly, "Look, I know I forced you into, well, this morning. I didn't mean for," "What?" Phil's eyes widened as he cut Dan off, "you think you forced me?" Dan blushed, "Well, I did move your hand, and you were sleeping, so yeah." Phil chuckled, shaking his head, "oh, Dan." "This isn't funny, Phil," Dan said dryly. "Yes, it is. I thought I had pushed you, that I should have stopped it. That's what I have been worrying about." "So, you are okay with," "Of course," Dan smirked. "We are ridiculous; you know that?" "Yeah, we are." He shook his head again, smirking. "Dan, I am perfectly fine with what happened this morning." "Oh, thank Christ," Dan breathed. "We really should learn to talk to each other," "Yeah," "Okay, well in the spirit of talking to each other, I have something to say," Phil moved closer to Dan, placing a rough kiss on his mouth and then whispered: "This morning was one of the most sexually arousing things I have ever been a part of Daniel Howell." He stood up and went to the kitchen, a smirk on his lips, leaving Dan in shock with his mouth hanging open. They both went to their own bedrooms to sleep that night. Things had progressed, but neither one of them wanted to rush things. Phil was sleeping peacefully until something woke him up. He wasn't sure what it was, but soon he could hear Dan pacing in his room. Poor Dan, had the last few days been too much for him? Was he worrying about it? Was he in an existential crisis? Phil could hear Dan muttering to himself, though he could not understand the words. He debated if he should get up and knock on Dan's door; he didn't want to embarrass Dan, nor did he want to insert himself somewhere he wasn't wanted. When he heard what sounded like a sob, Phil got up quickly and listened at Dan's door. There was sniffling, so he knocked. "Dan?" "I'm fine, Phil, sorry I woke you." "I don't care about that. May I come in?" "Just go back to bed, Phil. I'll shut up." "Dan, please let me help. What can I do?" There was silence for a few moments, then Phil heard Dan walk to the door, and it opened. Dan's face was puffy and red. He looked down at his feet. "I am a mess, Philly," he said sadly. "Always have been." "No, you're not," Phil said softly, taking a step closer to Dan. "You always say that you always are defending me." "Well, it's true." "We are not going to work, Phil," he said, emotion draining out of his voice. Phil knew this Dan well; self-sabotaging Dan was one of his least favorites. He constantly was overthinking even the littlest things and somehow always came to the worst conclusions. "What are you talking about?" Phil was trying to keep the panic out of his voice. He knew that this probably would pass, but it was still terrifying to hear. "Like, this morning. Or yesterday morning and then earlier," Phil sighed, "You weren't ready, were you?" "No," Phil's eyes filled with shame, Dan's expression softened. "Hey, Wait, No. I mean no, as in you're wrong, I was ready. I wanted it. You did Nothing wrong. I consented, and I thoroughly enjoyed it." Phil was still confused. "Dan, I don't understand." "Phil, do you ever think about destiny, fate, or the universe?" "Sometimes, yeah. Of course." "I think it was destiny when we started to talk, which is mental. I don't even believe in destiny." "Okay," "I am not dense. I can obviously see that the circumstances lined up perfectly. Wouldn't you call that destiny? Fate? How can I believe that if I don't even believe in destiny?  But looking at everything, the odds alone are astounding.  How could it not be destiny?" "Dan, it is too late for this; my brain cannot keep up." Dan smirked. "I'm sorry. Mine only keeps spinning with these damned questions." Phil reached out and took Dan's hand as they still stood awkwardly in the doorway. "What is the most prominent one?" Dan sighed and scowled, "Are we making a mistake? That's the big one." "Oh," Phil dropped Dan's hand, "I don't know how you want me to respond to that, Dan." Dan sighed, "I know. That's why I didn't want to talk about this. I don't want to hurt you, Phil," "We have years of not talking, Dan, look where it has gotten us." "That's true." Dan walked over to his bed and sat down, Phil followed. "Why would it be a mistake?" "You are so much more put together than I am, Phil. You just are. You function, I don't, not well anyway. I am a mess." "No, I am not more put together. Not as much as you think I am, I am simply good at hiding it. You have to handle more of the public interactions because I am afraid that I'll embarrass myself or cause a disaster. It's not even an exaggeration, and you know it. How is that a definition of functioning?    I am not put together at all, Dan." Dan shook his head. "I am sure you thought I would grow out of this, my existentialism, the constant crises, the days of lying face down not moving, the nights of endless pacing. It is a part of who I am." "Who do you think you're telling? This isn't news to me. I have been right here with you through all of this; we have lived together for years. I have accepted it." "But you shouldn't have to Phil! Fuck, I don't even accept it. I don't even accept myself," Dan shouted, then looked instantly ashamed. "And then I shout at you when I am trying to be nice. You are too good for my bullshit." "Dan," "No, Phil, it's not fine, you are not fine." more quietly, he added, "I am sucking the life out of you." "Stop," "NO. Phil. I am not good for you. We can be friends, but it isn't right for me to keep forcing you to go through this with me. So, I think we should go back to before we kissed before we," he started to cry silently. "Clearly that isn't what you want," "But it's what you need, Phil. I care about you too much to let you throw away your happiness for my endless pit of dread." "So, suddenly, you know what's best for me, do you?" Phil shook his head. "Dan, you don't get to decide how I feel. You don't get to make decisions on what you think is best for me. I could have left years ago if any of that bothered me or mattered, but I am still here. I want this, us. And I have wanted it for so long." "Doesn't mean I am good for you." Phil let out an exaggerated breath. "Why do you always do this when you are happy?" "Do what?" "Produce self-deprecating statements, assuming you somehow damage everyone. You sabotage anything that could make you happy, say things to try to make yourself look like an asshole, and really drive it home by perceived good intentions.  You may get others to buy that martyr bullshit, but not me. For Christ sake, Dan, I know you better than anyone, I won't give in this time. I know you think it's easier to do it your way, give up just as things start to feel hard or scary. You think it's easier for you, but it isn't. It's not working this time, Dan; I won't let you ruin this for yourself." "No, Phil. You should see if Cindy wants to go out again. She seems put together." "Wow, Dan." "I'm serious!" Phil was past frustrated, "I am gay, Dan, or have you not noticed? Do you want to know why after I was with Cindy, I was such a fricking mess?" Dan's expression grew to anger at the mention of her name, contradicting everything he just had said. "Really? Do you even see yourself right now?" Phil glared at him, "Yeah, still it doesn't mean," "Stop, just listen. I had gone out to have a drink on a friendly basis. Then she started to ask about you, what you were into, what you liked. I am sure you get the gist. She wanted to grill me about you, of course, she was interested in you. Have you seen you compared to me?" "Phil," Dan's tone softened. Phil ignored him, "I told her what she wanted to know, and I kept talking about you. I love talking about you to anyone who will listen, how much I admire you, how brave you are, how strong. I got carried away, I said too much." Phil exhaled. "She then smiled at me strangely, and when I asked her why she said she had been barking up the wrong tree." "What does that even mean, Phil?" "She wanted to ask you out, Dan. But after I had spent all that time talking about you, she said she could see you were already taken," Phil looked up at Dan. "That was before the kiss, before the other morning, before I even knew there was a chance," "Oh," "Can't you see? Are you really that much of an idiot? Do you not understand how much you mean to me?" "It still doesn't mean I am good for you. Fuck sake, Phil. We need to stop before," "Before what, Dan? Before it gets too serious? Before I fall in love with you?" Dan sighed, "I mean, yeah," "It's way too late, Dan." "What?" "You have to know that. "Love eyes, Lester?" All true. I am already in love with you. I have been in love with you for a long time. Maybe the whole time." Dan covered his face with his hands. "Oh," He muttered. "Oh? I've loved you for so long. I loved you through a screen, at a train station, even when you were face down on the carpet. I loved 2012 Dan when he broke my heart and all the other years that have led up to now. I especially love this Dan, though; he is a thick-headed jerk right now and threatening to take away what I've only just received. "Phil, don't you see? We are screwed." "Why's that?" "Fools fall in love, and you know that, right? It's cliché, but true. I love you too. I loved you at the Manchester station. I loved you in 2012; I love you now. I love you so much, Phil. And it is fucking terrifying, okay?" Phil turned and pulled Dan closer and kissed him, "Terrifying or exhilarating? Dan, doesn't this feel like it's the way it's supposed to be?" He nodded slightly. "But still, I am falling into the pit, Phil. One day, you-you are going to be dead," Phil cut him off with another kiss. "Stop. Not for a long time, yeah?" Holding Dan close, he started to rock him slightly. "I am like a fucking child." Dan huffed, disgusted with himself. "That's not true, Dan. You have come so far. We have come so far. BBC, the books, the tour. Without you, none of that would have happened for me." Dan smiled, "Yeah, but I wouldn't even be anywhere without you." "Nonsense.  I think we should sleep. Yeah?" Phil guided Dan to his bed. "Phil?" Phil hummed in response. "Can you stay?" He nodded as they both got into bed. "Sleep now, Dan. You will feel better in the morning." "I'm not sure I will," "Then we will talk and figured it out. We both need to sleep." "Phil?" "Yeah?" "Just, thanks, for, you know, putting up with my tantrum. I'm glad you're not giving up on me." "I love you too, Dan."

Your Soul know it belonged to me 2.0

A03

Chapter 3: Why are we like this?

Dan grabbed his phone, put on his jacket, and left; he didn't want to talk to Phil right now. The chill and the smell in the air meant that it was going to rain, but he kept walking. What the hell was that? Phil had never shown that side of himself before. Was it the wine, had Phil been more drunk than he realized? How was he going to face him again? The lines had already been blurred so much over the years that this added another layer to be processed.  This layer was more evident than the others, not as implied, more concrete. Then again, it wasn't as if Dan had flat out said he had feelings for his best friend; however, he had undoubtedly given enough away.

 Even with the awkwardness that surrounded all of their encounters that night, the latest events topped the cake. The tension after the Cindy fiasco was pretty tangible, but Dan had a feeling this would be much worse. Sighing, Dan continued to walk, the rain had started to pick up, and though he hardly noticed, he was now wet.

This was going to change everything, whether he wanted it to or not. His thoughts kept going back to the way Phil's eyes sparkled, looking at him with fear and bravery at the same time. Dan couldn't help but smile. Phil had been so assertive, dominant even. Dan shivered slightly, wrapping his arms around himself as he walked. Never seeing that side of Phil, he was impressed and very intrigued by this new aspect of their lives. This new side to Phil inspired Dan to wonder what could have happened if he had not run.  Memories flooded in, causing Dan's face to flush. It had done something to Dan that he couldn't even admit to himself yet. They could blame it on the wine, timing, or whatever other scapegoats they could think of, but it would never erase the memory of the looks they had exchanged. At least for Dan, it was forever burned into his memory. When Dan thought about it, it was all so stupid. He knew he was the reason they had ended up at this point now, years into their friendship. In the beginning, his insecurities had prevented him from allowing it to happen organically, so in typical Dan and Phil fashion, of course, it had happened unusually. Suddenly guilt washed over Dan. If Phil did have feelings for him, the years of pining must have been torture.  Dan could relate to that. They had gotten closer when they were on tour; their dreams had come true, both of them in awe of what they had accomplished. Being on the tour bus together in such close quarters reminded Dan of how special their relationship was. He knew married couples would end up at each other's throats without a break, but not Dan and Phil; If anything, it made them miss each other's presence more when they were not together.  Dan loved Phil; he always had, and now more than ever, he wondered if Phil felt the same. He still didn't know if he was reading too much into this; Dan couldn't be sure that it wasn't just his wishful thinking. He was scared even to consider that there was a reality where they could be together.  Dan continued to walk the dark rainy streets of London, with no regard for his own safety. It was well after 2 am when Dan finally returned to find Phil on the sofa, in a restless sleeping state. Dan rolled his eyes fondly, grabbing a nearby duvet to cover him up. As he got closer, in the glow of the TV, Dan could see that Phil's eyes were puffy, and his nose was red. It was evident that they were from crying. Looking down at him, he sighed and leaned in, kissing the top of his head. "It's okay, Phil. I am so sorry. I forgive you," he murmured into his hair. He gazed at him for a few moments, wishing that they had just gone out to dinner like planned initially and possibly avoiding this whole mess. He turned and walked into the darkness of his room, still confused and somewhat guilty that he had made Phil cry. He sat on the edge of his bed, not bothering to turn on any lights. When they both woke up, it was going to be awkward and uncomfortable, but Dan was used to that. The more he thought about it, the deeper into the spiraling pit he fell. How would they recover from this? What was going to happen later? Dan laid back on the bed and looked up into the darkness of the ceiling; his thoughts spun around in his head, contorting into aimless drifting. Phil was suddenly aware of the duvet around him; Dan must have come home. He sighed, getting up, and walked to his bedroom. He wanted nothing more than to wake Dan up and beg for forgiveness. Phil was so mad at himself; He knew that Dan had some pretty firm boundaries, and he had disrespected and broken through them all. Phil laid down; he couldn't figure out what had led to the extreme things he had done. It wasn't typical, and even Phil couldn't explain what had come over him.  When Dan was gone, Phil over-analyzed what had happened and came up with at least ten different scenarios that could have gone better. It wasn't like Phil was unaccustomed to being strange. He knew by this time Dan knew to expect Phil's awkwardness, but still, Phil worried. This wasn't the usual "Phil put his foot in his mouth." circumstance. He didn't know what would happen between them; would Dan want to leave?  Phil had never imagined a life where they were not together. Phil wasn't sure he knew how to be an adult without Dan. He knew that he was an adult before meeting Dan, but that felt like a lifetime ago. Tears once again slid down his face as he started to fall asleep. Phil woke up feeling his bed move; he knew Dan was next to him. He couldn't see him, but he had gotten to know his presence well. It was still dark, and there was an uncomfortable silence as Phil tried to transition from being asleep to being alert. Finally, Dan said. "Hi." "Um, hi," Phil responded, reaching for his glasses, turning on the bedside lamp. He blinked a few times, looking at Dan. He looked defeated, "are you alright? How long have you been here?" "Awhile." Dan's voice was strange; it sounded off. He still had his jacket on, and Phil could tell that it was soaked all the way through. His hair was partially curly, partially matted to his head. Phil took a deep breath. "So, you're here," "I am," "Is something wrong?" Dan laughed. "Oh, you mean besides whatever the hell earlier was?" Phil blushed. "I was kind of hoping that was a dream." "Or maybe a nightmare." Dan offered; Phil frowned. "I am worried about you. I don't like that you, I mean, where did you go?" "Just walked around," "That was extremely dangerous at night," Dan shrugged and looked at his hands. "I know," "What now?" Dan shrugged again, "how are we going to fix this?" "I don't know if we can, Phil," Dan shifted. Phil's stomach dropped, "listen, earlier, what I did to you," Phil stammered. "I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm so sorry." Dan sighed, shook his head, and smiled sadly. "Phil, we are like that all the time. I am fine. You just got a little more handsy than usual." Dan winked at him ironically. "Yeah, but it still doesn't mean it was okay." "Do you remember, years ago, when I was so excited to come to your new flat? How excited were we to just be? We were so young, so excited about YouTube, about the radio show about life." Dan closed his eyes as a memory seemingly took him out of Phil's room momentarily. "I remember feeling like I finally was able to be myself," Phil said. Dan smiled, coming back to the present. "Yeah, same. I wouldn't trade that for the world. Do you ever watch our old videos, Phil?" "Sometimes, yeah," "I could see it, even back then. Phil Lester, you are truly an astonishing human being." "Dan, why does this sound like a goodbye speech?" Dan inhaled sharply, "I can't do this anymore, Phil," his voice raised a few octaves, and even as he said it, he was still trying to convince himself. "Do what?" "Pretend, act like I am fine." "But you just said you were?" Phil was confused and starting to panic. "No, Phil, calm down, not from earlier. That was, well, that was fucking weird, ngl, but it's fine." He paused and sighed, "I mean, like, pretending that generally, I am fine, and this is just business as usual as if we are just best friends. We both know that's not true. I don't know if it ever was. And It's not fine when I think about it and allowed myself to feel, and it's never fine. Existential crisis? I am on the verge of the most colossal I've ever had. What is the point, Phil?" he hugged himself, sighing, "What is the fucking point?" Phil shifted towards him, grabbing one of his hands. "I am not sure I know exactly what you mean," Phil said, but that wasn't entirely true. "Phil, you are not stupid." Dan started to shake as if he were going to cry, but he didn't. "This, us... I don't know if I can live with you anymore." As the words tumbled out, the pain in his voice was apparent. Dan slowly withdrew his hand from Phil's. "What?" Phil swallowed hard, shifting towards him, his eyes wide and filling with tears. It was his worst fear, playing out right in front of him. Dan's voice was weak and betrayed him, "Phil, don't. This is hard enough," "Slow down. Dan, please, I am sorry. I am so sorry." "This isn't your fault, Phil," He said "Dan, I don't know what I was doing, and I'm sorry." "You need to calm down, Phil. I don't know what you were doing either, but this isn't about earlier, I've already said that." "Dan," Phil said, his voice strained. "I don't understand." "I know, that's my fault." "So explain it to me. Make me understand." "Phil, I am dying inside. Every day hurts just a little more. I keep trying to convince myself that I am okay, that the way we are is okay. But it's not." "You feel like you are dying?" A tear slid down his cheek. Dan said things like this often, but the way he had said it at that moment was entirely different. "Why?" "Oh God, Phil, please don't cry." Dan's eyes filled further, but the tears didn't fall to his face. "Dan, please don't do this," Phil choked as Dan cut him off. "The problem is I can see it; I have for years. I think you have too, but I don't know that it matters. Things are so confusing right now, so blurred. There is so much to lose. So much to fuck up, destroy even. So many people. Our lives, our whole God damned lives, Phil." He sighed, "It's the only fucking option, yeah? If one of us goes." Dan looked away, "and since this is my problem, it has to be me, Phil," Dan turned away. "It's okay," "No," Phil whispered. "No. Nothing about any of this is okay, that's what you keep saying anyway." He said louder, "If this is because I got too handsy or too close to you, I will stay away from you until you are comfortable with me. I promise it won't happen again. If this is because of Cindy, or last night or whatever else, I'll fix it. Please, none of that matters, Dan. We matter, Dan and Phil, right? You matter. We matter together," his words came out quickly. "You shouldn't have to leave if anything, this is my fault." "Phil, relax. Take a breath. I think what we want just differs. Or maybe it doesn't, but we are not on the same page. Listen, I have already forgiven you for what happened after the live show. I know you wouldn't hurt me intentionally. I never thought that for a second. As far as Cindy goes, you know I can't control my jealousy. Especially when she gets," Dan stopped and straightened up. "Dan, please," Phil whispered, "don't leave," he inhaled sharply, "don't leave me." He took a deep breath in, then out. "I don't want to lose you. You're too important." "I just, I don't know anymore. I am always lying. I'm sick of pretending. I am tired." He sighed, "I can't go on like this, Phil, I just can't." "Please, don't. We have been through so much," Dan smiled sadly as he started to get up off of the bed. "It will be okay. We can make it work living apart. I am not leaving you; we will still be friends." Phil shook his head. Dan was about to say something else when Phil quickly sat upon his knees; he grabbed Dan's arm roughly and pulled him back down to the bed.  He moved, making his way closer until Dan's face was inches from his own. Dan had a look of shock on his face. "Ah." He said as he licked his lips nervously. "You are an idiot," Phil said, sniffling as the tears stopped. "Excuse me?" Dan had an offended laugh in his tone. "You heard me," Phil said. "I know I said I wouldn't do this to you again." He pulled Dan slightly closer, the husky tone returning to his voice, "I'm sorry, I guess I lied." He took a deep breath. "If you thought I was going to let you do, whatever the hell you were about to do, you were wrong. This is not how this is working, Daniel Howell." "Phil," "No, shut up and listen to me," the shock returned to Dan's face as he shifted slightly to relieve some of the tension. Phil continued, "when we started to Skype, I knew that there was something there when we met in Manchester when we filmed the first, "Phil is not on fire," I knew. I am so sorry, Dan. I am so deeply sorry that you have had to feel like this for this long. So conflicted, so confused. I would fix it if I were able. You had to do that for you, I waited. There is a point, Dan, there are many points, actually. We, both of us, are lying; I know we are. Hell, the internet knows we are. It just was more comfortable, safer, but now," he tightened his grip on Dan a little. Phil took another deep breath looking directly into Dan's eyes; he placed his hand on his cheek, caressing it softly. He could hear Dan swallow and see the anticipation in Dan's eyes; Phil could hardly breathe as he waited for Dan's permission to proceed. It came in the form of a small, almost unnoticeable nod from Dan as his eyes darted back and forth. Phil smiled slightly as he gently pushed his lips to Dan's, closing his eyes. Phil's head spun, and his hands shook, but he smiled into the kiss. A contented and almost relieved sigh came from the back of Dan's throat, and suddenly he leaned into it and was kissing back. Phil could feel warm tears bouncing off of his nose from Dan's eyes. "Dan, this is not one-sided. It has never been. I was waiting for you, earlier in the kitchen, the waiting got the best of me. Or maybe the wine, or the fact that I missed you so damned much," emotion was raw in his voice, "And for the record, I'd always rather be kissing you," Phil said quieter, "I will always wait for you; I have been waiting all these years. It's only been you, idiot.  Lately, I was starting to worry that I was going to wait forever. I didn't think you were ready for me to kiss you, and if you were, I wasn't sure you wanted me too." "Really?" Dan squeaked. "Yes, really," Phil wiped the tears away from his eyes, "I can't tell you how many times I wanted to hold you so that you knew you weren't alone during your "Existential crisis" times. Or just hold you in a hug when I knew you were sad. I feel like I have had thousands of game overs waiting for you." "You have?" "Yes.  I was terrified, especially after the "I'm not gay" comments. I am not assuming or labeling anything, but after that, I wasn't sure I was ever going to be able, to be honest with you." "That Dan was an asshole." Phil shook his head, "No, that Dan was unsure, traumatized and scared." Dan sighed and wiped his eyes. "Are we really this dumb?" Phil removed Dan's wet coat, and threw it onto the floor, brought his hand up to Dan's face, brushed the hair out of his eyes, and pulled him into a hug. Dan stifled a sob and curled into Phil's neck, allowing himself to relax. His heart was still racing, but somehow, he felt like everything was going to be okay. "I don't think we were dumb, Dan. I think we were incredibly young," Phil pulled out of the hug and scowled, "you are very wet." Dan smirked. "Shall I shake like a dog then?" "No! No. You should go to change. You can't be comfortable." "Hadn't really noticed, tbh," "Get changed and come back," Dan only nodded as he left the room. Phil inhaled and exhaled slowly, he had finally kissed Dan, and better yet, Dan had kissed him back. Phil changed out of his wet shirt and waited for Dan to return; when he did, he looked as if he had aged ten years. Dan stood awkwardly at the side of Phil's bed. "You look exhausted, Dan," Dan grunted in response, his hair was curly. It was adorable. "And you have massive hobbit hair going on." "Well, you know, rain," Dan said, stifling a yawn. "It's okay if you want to go to bed; clearly, you are tired. You need to go to sleep." Dan shook his head, trying not to yawn again, causing Phil to chuckle. "Yes, you do." "M'fine, Phil." Dan sunk and sat on Phil's bed again. Why did this feel so strange? He had sat on this bed hundreds of times. Hell, he had even slept in it a time or two. Still, here he was, shy and nervous. "You need to sleep." "Look who's talking," Dan said, glancing at Phil out of the corner of his eye. "Well, yeah. Someone woke me up with some pretty ridiculous ideas," Dan smirked. "I know things are," Phil motioned between them, "tense. I really want to ask you to sleep in here with me tonight." Dan's eyes widened slightly as he looked up at Phil, "Yeah?" "Unless that makes it too weird for you," Phil said as he patted the bed next to him and laid down. Dan shook his head and got into bed. Phil pulled him close to his chest; a contented sigh came from Dan as Phil pulled the duvet over them. "Is this okay?" Phil asked. "Mm," Phil took off his glasses, turned off the light, and adjusted himself comfortably. He was in disbelief that this was actually happening, and at the same time, It was as if his whole body was on fire with satisfaction. "I was so scared you were gone for good when you left, that I would never see you again." Phil whispered, he continued, "But we will figure this out Dan, I promise." "I hope we do, Phil," Dan focused on Phil's arms around him and how safe he felt until he started to think and panic. This meant he was gay, right?  His stomach knotted. That word, he hated that word. Would he have to tell people? Was he sure he was gay?  No, he wasn't gay, right? He was Bi, yeah, he was just Bi. Phil's arms tightened around him. "Dan, stop overthinking things. Go to sleep." Shortly after, both were sleeping more peacefully than either had in a long time. When Phil woke up, Dan was gone. Panicking slightly, he got out of bed and went to Dan's room; he wasn't there, not in the bathroom either. "Oh, please," he pleaded with the universe as he walked out to the lounge. Sighing relieved, Phil saw Dan was propped up, resting his head on his hands, staring at his screen. He looked at Phil and frowned. "Are you okay?" He set his laptop down Phil swallowed and closed his eyes. "Yeah, I am now." Phil slowly unclenched his fists as he walked closer to Dan. Dan got up, slightly laughing. "You were afraid I had left, weren't you?" Phil scoffed, and before he could control himself, he said, "Well, you ran out on me last night, didn't you? Wandering around the streets of London in the rain was better than talking to me, I guess." Dan was shocked by his harshness, but moved closer to Phil, pulling him into an embrace. Phil sighed but relaxed. "Phil, I had to leave, we needed time to figure things out; I needed to do that alone," he felt Phil's anger melt away into sadness. "I'm sorry, Phil. I didn't mean," Dan trailed off, still, Phil was surprised by the sincerity of the apology. He expected a smartass or snarky comment in return. Dan pulled back to look into Phil's eyes. "Phil, I'm not going to leave, I may need some space, but I will always come back to you. I always have." "Just, last night you were so ready to leave," Phil said, taking a deep breath. "I was, but I wasn't thinking rationally. I was getting ready for rejection; even though I was rejecting myself, it would seem. I also was trying to make an easy out for you, maybe even for me, but it looks like that blew up in my face." Phil didn't respond with words; he looked into Dan's eyes, trying to convey the feelings that he did not want to speak. It seemed to have worked; everything paused; the unspoken anticipation occupied the space between them. Dan moved first, his lips gently meeting Phil's as his hand reached for his cheek. It was slow at first, now, lips were crashing together with desperation, and their bodies were moving towards the sofa. Phil pushed Dan gently into the cushions, then moved on top of him. Phil ran his hands up and down Dan's sides, causing a moan to escape. Phil wasn't sure whose it was, but he could feel his hardness starting to press against Dan's. Instinctively, Phil's hips thrust, Dan tensed beneath him. Dan pulled away, "You okay?" Phil whispered. "Phil, I," Phil could tell he was nervous, shy, and timid; he hadn't seen this side of Dan in several years, at least not before last night. Dan was unsure of himself and his surroundings; he looked like he wanted to hide. With the mental state Dan was in, Phil, now uncertain of himself, frowned, "Would you like me to stop?" Had he gone too far? They had talked, worked some things out, but this didn't feel right. "No," Dan looked up at him, anxiety and excitement in his eyes. "But I think we should." Phil nodded, kissed his forehead, and got up. Dan was surprised by the sudden disappointment that he felt when the loss of contact occurred. He looked at Phil apologetically, embarrassed that he had to stop them.  They had known each other for years; this part needed to be slower; it was too important to rush through hastily. Phil smiled and patted his leg. "I could make breakfast?" He offered. "I'll do that; you made dinner last night." Phil nodded, sinking into the sofa more, sighing. Soon Dan reappeared, handing him a cup of coffee and a bowl of shreddies. "S'not much, but it's very us," "It's perfect," Phil smiled, taking his mug. A few days had passed, they hadn't really acknowledged the "thing" that was going on between them. Their lives fell back into the typical patterns, things once again getting back to their version of normal. It wasn't as if they were purposefully avoiding the "thing," but they were not really talking about it either. It was okay. This was okay. Phil knew that he still had to be careful with Dan, gentle, and patient. As much as he had grown, he was still very self-conscientious and shy in many aspects of his life. Phil was recording a video when he heard a loud bang, and several things clatter to the ground; he then heard Dan screaming. "Fucking twat. Jesus Christ." Phil jumped up and darted towards the noise to investigate and make sure he didn't need to call an ambulance. There, sat on the floor amongst several pots and pans, was Dan. He looked defeated. "Are you alright?" Phil asked, chuckling. Looking at the mess surrounding him, Dan turned to look at Phil. There was already a large lump forming on his forehead near his brow, right below it was a cut, and a thin line of blood slowly was making its way down towards Dan's eyes. "Hold on." He grabbed the kitchen roll and knelt in between pans, gently blotting the blood away. "What were you doing?" Phil said softly. "Obviously, I was cooking," Dan said sarcastically and reached up to touch his head, only recoiling and hissing as he did. "Pan shifted, I jumped, hit my head." Then he motioned to the things around him. Phil chuckled slightly. "Usually, I am the one that's on the floor," he started to gather the pans to put them away. Clearing a path in front of him, Phil motioned for Dan to shift so he could pick the rest of the lids up. Dan watched him, embarrassed. "I can do that, Phil," he said dryly. "Just sit, you hit your head, and it's already starting to bruise. I should take you to A and E." "No. No, I am fine." Dan shifted and used the counter to help him get up. His head spun slightly, but he wasn't going to tell Phil that. Phil noticed. "Maybe you should sit down." "I said I was fine." Dan snapped, causing Phil to jump slightly. "Fuck," he muttered, stumbled, and sat down. Phil made an ice pack, turned a chair, so it was facing Dan and scooted closer. Phil looked closely at his face; the lump was large, and the bruise seemed incredibly angry. Softly he placed the ice pack on the bump. They looked at each other, sitting in the peaceful calm. After a while, Phil said. "How do you feel?" "I'm okay, Phil, embarrassed, but okay." "I think you're going to have a black eye," "I think I could make a video on this," Phil laughed. Dan grabbed Phil's hand that held the ice pack to his head and guided it to the table. He leaned in and slowly kissed him. Phil closed his eyes as he brought his other hand to cradle Dan's cheek. When the kiss broke, Phil leaned his forehead on the uninjured side of Dan's. Softly Dan said, "Thanks for," Dan trailed off, starting to blush. "We are quite a pair, aren't we?" Dan scoffed. "What were you making? Let me help you." Dan pulled back and shook his head slightly. "It's fine, Phil, I'll just eat crisps or something." "For dinner?" Phil shook his head, "No. What do you want, Dan?" "I'm not even hungry anymore, honestly. Just sore." Phil nodded. "Why don't you go into the lounge, I'll make us some hot chocolate, and we can go from there?" Dan nodded and made his way to the lounge while Phil started to make them their drinks. When he brought the mugs to the lounge, he found Dan staring into space. "Dan?" Phil questioned. "Hmm? Oh, sorry. Got lost in thought," Dan seemed sad. "What's wrong?" "My head hurts." That wasn't a lie, but it wasn't what was the most prevalent thing on his mind. In the last 5 minutes, it had occurred to Dan how close he was to telling Phil he loved him. He was internally obsessing about it. He didn't want to say too much too soon, and he knew it would be to cliché after an injury.  This wasn't a romance novel. "I've brought you tablets," Phil handed him a bottle of water that he had tucked under his arm. Dan sighed, looking at the pills. Phil then gave him two biscuits. "I know you hate taking them, but you need them," Phil smirked and sat next to him. "Thanks, Phil. Even though I don't like it, I appreciate you taking care of me." Phil decided not to push it, "Movie, yeah?" "Okay." Dan agreed. Phil was half watching the movie and Dan at the same time; Dan was keeping something from him. Phil had to remind himself that he had to be patient with Dan; it was going to take him time to get used to their "Thing." As Phil sat next to him, he could feel Dan's leg touching his slightly. It was confusing transitioning into whatever they were from "friends." Dan was watching Phil out of the corner of his eyes as if waiting for an invitation; Phil shifted closer to Dan, pulling him into his chest. At first, Dan sat stiffly, but soon he relaxed and snuggled into him. "That's better." Phil murmured into Dan's hair; Dan sighed contently. The movie was over, and Dan was breathing evenly, a tell-tale sign he was asleep. Phil nudged him. "Hey, you shouldn't sleep." "Mm, what?" Dan groaned. "You could have a concussion." "Phil, I don't have a concussion, I just banged my head." When he pulled away from Phil, making eye contact, Phil winced. Dan smirked. "Look's that bad, does it?" "You have a black eye," Phil said. Dan shrugged and stood up stretching. "Are you hungry?" "Yeah. What do you want?" "I got it," Dan left the room before Phil could protest. Phil sighed and looked at his hands, he felt an overwhelming urge to rush into the kitchen and stop Dan, but he knew it would do no good. Dan hated feeling vulnerable or weak, and though Phil knew it was due to fear, it really didn't matter. If he tried to help or take over, all it would do is piss Dan off, and even if Phil had the best of intentions, there was no way Dan would see that.  Part of how Phil showed his affection was through helping or caregiving, but Dan had yet to recognize it. Phil wasn't trying to discredit him; Dan had come far. Still, he was insecure, and he covered it with jokes, sarcasm, or just altogether ignoring the issues. Phil leaned back and closed his eyes; he hoped that someday they could overcome these hurdles. When Dan walked into the lounge, two plates in hand, he saw Phil had dozed off. He set the plates down and turned to Phil, even when he was sleeping, worry still creased his brow. "Phil," He said softly, with no response. "Phil?" Dan said a little louder; he again didn't move. Dan walked over to him and gently rubbed his cheek. "Hey Phil, wake up." Phil's eyes fluttered open, a moment of confusion passing through them. Dan smirked; he couldn't help but think that this could be a scene straight out of a romance movie. "Dinner is ready; I am going to get drinks, Ribena?" "Yeah," "This looks good, thanks." "You're welcome." Dan started an episode of a series they had been watching and began to eat. "Thanks again for helping me earlier." He said, a blush on his cheeks, never making eye contact. "Of course. How's the head?" "No headache, but the skin is sore," Phil frowned. "Have a look in a mirror, yeah? You may not want to make that video." Dan laughed. "Well, this would be concrete evidence as to why I am a fail, Phil," Phil smiled and shook his head. "True enough." Dan stood up, "I am going to go work on this video." "What? Now?" "Yeah? Why not?" "Head injury knocked some motivation into you, did it?" Dan flipped him off, "Okay, okay, just look in the mirror first." Phil decided it would be an excellent time to work on a video of his own; it wasn't going to be as entertaining as Dan's, but they rarely were, in his opinion. Hours into the editing of his video, Phil noticed it was almost 3 in the morning. Suddenly he was exhausted; he thought about Dan and his potential concussion. As he approached Dan's room, the door was open, lights on, and Dan was editing, tapping as he did. "Still at it?" He asked, leaning on the door frame. "Yeah, you too? You look tired, Phil," "It's three in the morning." "Didn't know it was so late," Dan switched off his monitor. "Yeah, me either. I am off to bed. How's your head? Do you need anything?" "Nah, I'm fine, Phil. You were right, though. It looks pretty bad." Phil smiled sympathetically, "I told you! Alright, well, get some rest. I'll see you in the morning. Later in the morning, I guess." He turned to go when Dan caught his hand as he stood up, stopping him.  Phil smiled and pulled him into a hug, then leaned in and kissed him softly. "Good night, Dan." "Night," After changing and brushing his teeth, Dan laid down on the wrong side of his face, groaning. He hoisted himself over to the other side. Taking a deep breath, he let himself re-live Phil kissing him goodnight. It was disgustingly romantic; Dan smiled and subconsciously touched his lips as he fell asleep.  Maybe his life was a fairytale, after all. Dan slowly was waking up, realizing how cold he was. He shivered, his teeth chattered, and joints ached. What the hell? Dan threw on a hoodie and poked his head in Phil's room. He wasn't there, but the cold sure was. He finally found Phil in the lounge in front of the fireplace, wrapped up in an oversized hoodie like it was a blanket. "Hey, got colder than we thought it would, I have just turned on the heating." He could see Dan's teeth chattering, "come here." Dan walked over and sat down, Phil held up one of his arms, and Dan snuggled into Phil's chest. "What time is it?" Dan murmured. "A little after 7." "Bloody hell." Dan groaned. "We can just sit here until the flat warms up, then we can go back to bed," "Yeah, okay," Dan said, cuddling into Phil further, careful not to bump his eye or head, which both were starting to throb.  As he warmed up, his eyes became more cumbersome to keep open, and he fell asleep. Phil looked down at his sleeping form fondly; He looked so young, sleeping like this, like back in 2009. Phil slowly shifted Dan onto the floor, got pillows and his duvet, and went back to the lounge. Moving a safe distance from the fireplace, he urged Dan onto a pillow, then into his chest, careful not to hurt him. Cuddling Dan a little tighter, he fell asleep.

Your soul knew it belonged to me, Chapter two: The “Thing”

Dan, are you still sleeping?" Softly smiling, Dan stretched as he woke up. "I'm not sleeping now." Phil walked in and sat on the edge of his bed, "are you ill?" "No, just didn't sleep well." Looking at Dan’s face was enough to tell Phil that already, "how was your trip?" "Fun, good. I missed," Phil paused, "London, though," Dan smirked. "I missed you too, you Dingus."

A03

"Do you want to go get dinner tonight? I don't feel like cooking, and it seems as if you probably don't either." "Okay." "I’ll let you sleep." Phil hopped up off of the bed. "Welcome home, Phil," Dan said as he laid back down and rolled to his side, falling asleep. Phil now knew why Dan was still in bed. The dark circles under his eyes were a telltale sign of what Dan had gotten up to when Phil was away. Lately, they seemed to be a reoccurring part of Dan's face. Frowning, Phil wished he could change that, even if he didn't know what to do. He had missed Dan a lot when he was gone but telling him about his trip would have to wait; for now, he would have to entertain himself.  After Phil got his things sorted from his trip and relaxed, he lost track of time. Hours had passed, Phil peeked his head into Dan's room quietly; he was in a deep sleep, slightly drooling, and looked peaceful. Phil felt a weight lift off of his shoulders; walking over to Dan, he pulled the duvet back over him. He smiled as he brushed Dan's hair to one side, softly cupping his cheek. When Dan was deeply asleep, his face showed no signs of worry or distress; it was perfect. Phil decided that they wouldn't be going out, so he left to get groceries. Dan looked in no condition to leave the house, at least not today.  He would be cooking after all, but Phil actually didn't mind. He was okay taking care of Dan.

When he put away all of the groceries, Dan still hadn't gotten up. Phil wondered if the man had slept at all when he was gone. He was concerned and curious as to what could have been bothering him so much. Had he been in a lousy place for days? Was Dan having another one of his famous "existential crisis" weeks? Was he face down in a hallway the whole time Phil was enjoying himself? Phil instantly felt guilty, had he left Dan at a time that he shouldn't have? He thought back to the days before he had left and remembered sad piano playing and crying. Was that the start of it? Phil's heart clenched with the hindsight that he had left Dan when he was in that state. As Phil sat on the sofa and booted up his laptop, he sighed again. The damage was done, now he would have to wait for Dan to wake up. Maybe then he could get to the bottom of this. It was shortly after 7:00 pm when Dan finally started to stir. He saw the time. "Fuck," he said out loud. He got up to find Phil with headphones on, eyes glued to his screen. "Phil, why didn't you wake me up?" He said yawning Phil removed his headphones, smiling. "Dan, you haven't been sleeping. Sleep was more important." "We could still go to a late dinner if you want,” "No, No. It's okay. I bought food; I can start cooking at any time." Dan sat next to Phil, looking at him carefully. "Okay." Phil smiled, "Really, Dan, it's okay. Should I start cooking now?" "I'll help. Let me shower." "You shower, I'll cook. I really don't mind. Then I can tell you about my trip." Dan was disorientated by the massive amounts of sleep he had gotten as well as frustrated with himself. He wanted to hide his exhaustion from Phil, but when he went back to sleep, he never thought it would be for the rest of the day. He hoped Phil wasn't disappointed that they were not going out. Dan groaned; how could he tell Phil that the reason he wasn't sleeping was that he was alone?  Or that the reason it looked like none of the rooms were lived in when he was gone was because they were not. Dan shouldn't have been surprised that when Phil was finally home, he was finally able to sleep for several hours. As he finished showering, he was becoming more and more uneasy about the dreaded questions that he knew were coming from his flatmate. It really shouldn't be this big of a deal, but Dan feared soon enough he would let the real reason why he had been acting so differently slip out. Phil started to prepare dinner; it was simple spaghetti and cheese bread. He pulled out a bottle of wine, pouring two glasses. Taking a sizeable satisfying drink, suddenly, Phil's mind drifted to Dan in the shower. As the fantasy started to fill his mind with images, he suddenly shook his head, blushing at himself. Dan was his best friend; he knew he had to get over the attraction he felt towards him. More than once, Dan had said he was not gay, but some of the signals he sent off confused Phil, and he didn't know what they meant. Even if Dan were attracted to men, Phil doubted he would be attracted to him. Dan came into the Kitchen, "It smells nice in here. What can I do to help?" Phil handed the other glass of wine to Dan. "Just get dishes out, everything is almost ready. Nothing too complex." Dan nodded, taking a sip, "Oh Swaggy, wine night, is it?" He laughed as he set down the glass and started to gather dishes. "I made Italian; usually, there's wine, right?" He took another loud sip, "besides, it's sweet and tasty." Phil licked his lips for emphasis; Dan sharply sucked in his breath, then quickly looked away. After the dishes were on the table, Dan leaned against the counter, sipping his wine. He loved to watch Phil; the way he moved around with ease, the melody he was humming off-key, and the smile that was plastered to his face. He was enjoying readying the meal, occasionally taking sips of his wine as it stained his lips and brought a flush to his cheeks. Dan smiled; this was so domestic it was almost sickening. Then as Phil bit his lip in concentration, Dan's thoughts took a less innocent turn.  He focused on Phil's lips, slightly swollen, tinged red, inviting. He wondered what it would be like to taste the wine off of Phil's lips while caressing his cheek. Phil was so, "What?" Phil asked, catching him staring. Dan blushed, spinning the wine in his glass. "Just worried you're going to fall, moving so quickly. You have had wine, you know." "We both know I don't need wine to trip over, Dan," Phil smirked as he brought the food to the table. As they ate, Phil told Dan about the trip, both of them splitting the bottle of wine between them. Phil's stories always were detailed and elaborate; Dan smiled. He loved listening to Phil talk. When Phil had finished, and they were both through eating, a comfortable lull in the conversation came. It was so easy to exist with Phil, so natural. This was home. Dan stood up to take the dishes to the sink. "Dan?" "Yeah?" "Are you okay? Why weren't you sleeping?" And there it was, he knew Phil would ask. "I don't know, really," he lied, "just couldn't." "Maybe you need a doctor?" "No, I'm sure it's fine." Phil started to help Dan clean up, dropping the topic for the time being. Dan was putting away a dish when Phil leaned over him, slightly pushing him into the wall accidentally. Phil froze, Dan's skin was warm and inviting; the smell of Dan and sweet wine flooded his senses. Phil's breath hitched in his throat as they looked at each other, Dan's eyes shone with slight fear, and the air was thick with excitement. The tension of the circumstance could be felt in between the quick breaths that Phil was taking. He shifted slightly, still looking at Dan intently. Phil didn't move, letting his senses take in Dan. He was warm, he was so close, and Phil knew he wouldn't have to move much to meet his lips. Dan was the first to speak. "Ah, Phil?" Phil visibly swallowed, "Does this make you uncomfortable?" Though the corners of his mouth were upturned, his voice husky and dominate. "Ah, yeah, you weirdo," Dan's face was red, but he had humor in is tone. Phil didn't move; he just stared. "Phil, what are you doing?" Phil panicked slightly. What was he doing? "Dan, why couldn't you sleep?" His voice was deep; his eyes never left Dan's. "Tell me." He said, leaning a little harder into him. Dan shifted into the touch for a moment and then cleared his throat. "I just couldn't, Phil. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get away from this wall, you spork." Dan laughed nervously, slightly pushing on Phil's shoulder. Phil blinked, confusion crossing his face; he slowly backed his way out of the Kitchen. "Ah. I'm sorry." Phil mumbled shyly. "I was going too," Phil looked at the floor. "I, I gotta go." Dan nodded at him as Phil stumbled over the arm of the sofa, practically running to his bedroom. "The hell was that?" Dan asked the empty Kitchen. He ran his hands through his hair as butterflies swarmed in his stomach, and his mind raced. Phil was acting strangely, was there something that he wasn't telling Dan? Dan finished cleaning, more confused than he had been in the days leading up to Phil's homecoming.  Phil was leaning into him, staring at him, maybe even gazing into his eyes.  Was it the wine? They had had enough to feel pleasantly warm, but Dan didn't believe either one of them had been intoxicated, though they did finish off a bottle.  Dan finished cleaning up and sat at the table alone. Finishing the last of the wine, he got lost in his thoughts. Phil paced in his room, "What was I thinking?" He had no idea what had come over him; what had caused an accidental touch to turn into pushing Dan into the wall? Was he drunk? He didn't feel drunk. What he felt was embarrassed and scared. He wondered what Dan thought, mainly after he had run away. Phil sat on the edge of his bed, his face in his hands, bewildered. He was supposed to do a live show after his trip; he regretted promising that. For some reason, he tweeted he would do so, but now he just wanted to hide. He should have just waited until Thursday as per usual. It took 20 minutes to compose himself, but soon he was answering questions and smiling again. A knock came to his door, and he paled. "And here's Dan!" he choked out, his voice high and squeaky. "What was that, Phil?" Dan asked, laughing, "Going through puberty, are you? Or are you getting laryngitis again?" It was a surprise to the viewers that Dan was on the live stream; they hadn't really been doing them together lately. It wasn't planned that Dan was to be in this live show, he hadn't asked to be, but Phil was relieved. To Phil, this meant that Dan wasn't that upset over what had happened in the Kitchen. "Ugh, I hope not!" Phil sat awkwardly beside Dan, trying his hardest not to give away that there was tension between them.  When the audience started to notice and comment, he did not acknowledge it. Dan pretty much overtook the broadcast. Phil was thankful, he wasn't able to communicate appropriately anyhow. When the live show ended, an awkward silence filled the room. After what seemed like ages, Dan spoke. "You alright?" Phil only nodded, "so," Dan turned towards him. "What was that all about?" Phil sighed. "Which part?" "Well, the live show was a disaster; you shouldn't promise them after a trip. But what I was referring to is what happened in the Kitchen." Dan cocked his eyebrow. "I just want you to tell me why you couldn't sleep. I am worried about you; I am always worried about you," he blurted out. Dan smiled. "I am okay, Phil. You don't need to worry about me." "Yes, I do, someone does. Especially if you aren't sleeping properly." Phil said with no humor in his voice. "So, you push me into a wall?" Phil sighed. "Can we please just not talk about this?" He stood up and placed his laptop on the desk. "So we just pretend it didn't happen, then? Is that it?" "Please, Dan. Can we just let it go? I'm sorry." "Just be open with me, Phil, that's all I am asking." Phil rolled his eyes in frustration. "It isn't like you are honest with me, Dan." Dan paled as he stood, ready to leave the room. "Fine, Phil. Never mind." Dan's face started to feel hot, the paleness now changing into shades of pink. "Since when do we keep secrets?" Phil asked, clearly hurt. "Since when do you take blond bimbos out to bars, get wasted, and post kissing pictures on the internet, Phil?" Dan was now angry, furious. "Relax Dan, don't yell at him," he thought to himself. Phil cocked his head, shocked. Hadn't Dan let that go yet? Why? Phil was under the impression that it was fine. He thought Dan was jealous that Cindy had chosen Phil, but now he wasn't so sure. Kissing pictures? Phil stepped towards Dan. "What are you on about, Dan?" "Ask Tumblr." He said bitterly, looking at his feet. "There's a picture of me kissing someone on Tumblr? Does this have to do with Cindy?" Dan said nothing, but his brow creased, and his lips were pressed into a thin line. Phil took a deep breath, turning, so their eyes met. "I didn't know you were still so upset about Cindy, Dan." Dan shrugged. "Are you jealous?" Dan stayed quiet as Phil walked towards him; his entire demeanor had changed. Dan was subconsciously backing up as Phil came closer. "I think you are." Dan exhaled loudly and kept backing up until he was against the wall "Bloody hell, Phil. What do you know!" Dan intended the words to come out forceful and angry, but instead, they were soft and sad. Dan stood still as Phil closed the gap between them, placing a hand on the wall next to each side of his head. Dan looked at both of Phil's hands next to him, turning his head as he did. His heart was racing as he returned his eyes to Phil's. There was something playful in them that made Dan shutter. Phil noticed and grinned "Dan, who were you jealous of?" Dan looked away. Phil grabbed his chin and pulled his head back towards him, causing Dan to gasp. "Me? Or Cindy?" His voice was deep like it was in the Kitchen; his eyes were wild and held a cocky glint. Dan was avoiding eye contact; he was mortified. "You're blushing!" Phil said, surprised. "Who, Dan?" "Phil. Stop. Just fuck off, okay?" Dan muttered. "Who?" Dan closed his eyes and tilted his head up to try to create some space between them. He did not want to confess his feelings for Phil, not like this. Phil would have none of it, though, tilting Dan's head back down into the small space between them. Dan opened his eyes but refused to meet Phil's. "Who, Dan?" Phil's body was now pressed against Dan's; their knees were slightly touching. Dan couldn't take it. He swept his eyes to meet Phil's, a fiery passion and desire within a pool of brown. Phil gasped. "HER, alright? Fuck." Dan said, never taking his eyes off of him. "I didn't want her to touch you. Ever. Not at the meetings, not at a bar. Ever." Dan's eyes smoldered, his shoulders moving up and down as his breathing increased. "You were jealous of her touching me?" "Yes." Dan shifted harder into Phil's knees, subconsciously; his breathing became heavier. Phil looked at his eyes and then his lips. “Why couldn't you sleep, Dan?" Dan was almost panting, through clenched teeth, he said, "Phil for fuck sake, please," "Why?" He demanded. "Because you weren't here," more quietly, he added, "are you happy now? You win, Phil, get off me." He was embarrassed; tears could be heard in his voice. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Phil knew he should stop and move away from Dan, but he didn't. "Because you were scared to be in the flat alone?" Phil questioned; his voice was low. "No. You weren't here." Dan was admitting a weakness now; he looked so vulnerable. "What does that mean, Dan?" "Phil," Dan closed his eyes. He knew at this point Phil was toying with him. "Stop. Please." He begged. "You need me around to sleep?" "Yes, you idiot." He said, his voice was tentative. Phil sighed, and with a voice hardly above a whisper, he said, "Oh." Dan cocked his eyebrow; he had regained some of his courage. "Do you remember crawling into MY bed after your date?" "It wasn't a date, Dan. Just drinks with a friend." "Stop avoiding the question, Phil. Why were you pressed up against me in MY bed? What happened on the date that made you cry?" "It wasn't a date, Dan." Phil scowled. "You. Kissed. Her." He said, anger flashing in his eyes; Dan shifted, trying to initiate space between them. Phil frowned. "Well, I didn't mean too." He said, honestly. "Yeah, well." Dan trailed off; he was mad. "Would you rather I kissed you, Dan?" Phil asked, his voice low, shocking himself. Where was this bravery coming from? "What?" Dan feigned incredulousness at the question, but he was still shocked that Phil was saying these things. Out loud. To him. "Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about." "Phil, I think I should go," Every alarm in Dan's head was screaming, he needed to escape, now. "Not before you answer the bleeding question." Phil licked his lips, pressing Dan more firmly against the wall. He started to move his face slowly closer, trying to close the distance between them. "Fuck you," Dan grunted, slightly struggling. "Get the hell away from me," Phil smirked. "For once, I have the upper hand in our friendship, huh Dan?" "I don't know who YOU even are right now. You are not my friend. He would never do this to me." There were tears in Dan's eyes as he brought his arms up and pushed Phil roughly. Phil stumbled back, and Dan darted for the door. "Dan, Wait." He called after him, panicking. Dan ignored him. Oh, God, what had he done? He had gone too far.

Your Soul knew it belonged to me 2.0

Everyone around them seems to see it easier than they do, and yet it takes a woman to spark the entire thing off. Or the original: It's obvious to strangers so why are they fighting it? They're grown up now and should both know the ending of this story. This summary is awful. 

A03

Chapter one: Let’s be honest

Dan unknowingly glared at Phil as he smiled and touched one of the people who were currently attending the same meeting as they were. It was innocent, but Dan couldn't comprehend it as such, not now. Cindy, who happened to be stunning, was a constant face in these meetings and seemed to have taken a liking to Phil. The touches were all innocent, only slightly bordering flirty, but it still was enough to set Dan off. He hadn't been coy about how he handled jealousy, but when it came to Phil's attention, the jealousy also caused rage. Dan was already irritated to start with; he hated meetings that were held on Fridays, especially when they ran late into the evening. The hardest part about it was he knew exactly what was happening but recognized it too late to control the storm brewing inside of him. He swallowed hard as the tension started to build in his neck, trying to distract himself with something other than that woman. As the meeting moved along and the touches continued, Dan had to excuse himself to the bathroom on three separate occasions to calm down. He made a half-hearted attempt to cover for himself, stating that he was not feeling well. Martyn asked if Dan needed to leave, but he took his seat, shaking his head. He knew he was being ridiculous but couldn't help it. "Very professional,” he thought bitterly to himself. "You alright?" Phil asked, concerned, after the third time, Dan had walked out of the meeting. Phil knew his best friend hated making a spectacle of himself. "I'm fine, Phil," Dan whispered harshly, clearly annoyed. Phil cocked his eyebrow, frowned at him, but said nothing. The rest of the meeting, Dan only said what he needed to and kept focused on anything else but that woman touching Phil. His face was hot and ears beet red; he rocked slightly in his chair and held his balled-up fists on his lap. Much to Dan's relief, after what felt like days, the meeting ended. Glancing out a window, Dan smiled as he saw that it was dark. Grabbing and pulling on his coat, he checked his phone, sighing with relief. At least now they could relax, maybe watch an Anime of some sort, and get back to normal. "Oh, Hey Dan," Phil said as he approached, Cindy was behind him. "Are you going to be alright to get home by yourself? We are going to get a drink and maybe something to eat." Phil's eyes darted nervously; Dan could tell he was subconsciously asking for permission. "Sure, Phil." Dan's smile was tight and awkward. "I'll see you later." He nodded at Cindy and walked away without another word, but he could hear Phil sigh as he walked out the door. Dan got into the taxi, who proceeded to drive him to their home. The ride felt lonely. Dan knew in the back of his mind he was way too dramatic, but still, he envisioned himself in a sad music video, head against the cold glass, rain dripping down, and streetlights flashing brightly in the windows as they sped by. He hated being alone; he hated sudden changes in plans and especially hated that he knew Phil was with Cindy. With his teeth clenched, he paid the driver, shuffled his feet as he walked up to the flat door, and unlocked it. When he was in the confines of his room, he threw his bag against the wall, groaning in rage. His outburst was absurd, and Dan knew it. Phil was allowed to have other friends, female or otherwise. "Fucking hell, Dan. Get it together." He cursed himself out as he ran his hands through his hair. He knew he had no right to act like this. His mind still egged him on, causing him to think of all the things that could happen between Phil and Cindy. Dan always thought Phil preferred men, but he still couldn't deny that Cindy was attractive. He got progressively more upset, picturing perceived scenarios in his head that all were of a shitty rom-com nature. He had to get his mind off of this before he did something he would regret, such as sending a snarky text or tweeting something that would never disappear from the internet. After cleaning the kitchen, then the bathroom, Dan started to clean up the lounge. He thought that he would be calmed down after all of the physical exertions of cleaning. That was not the case; when Dan ran out of things to clean, he started scrolling through Tumblr as another distraction. "Typical," he said out loud, chastising himself. Soon Dan started to doze off; maybe sleep would help. Deciding to go to bed, he offered a silent prayer to the universe that Phil would be okay. To Dan, it seemed like he had been gone for a long time; in reality, he knew it wasn't the case. Shaking his head, he scoffed at how codependent he was. With self-deprecating thoughts running through his head, eventually, he fell into a restless sleep. It didn't last long as he began tossing and turning for what seemed like ages. The struggle to rest always seemed to happen when Phil wasn't there, more so when Dan didn't know exactly where he was. A short time later, he was fully woken up by a loud thump on the door, the jingling of keys, followed by a very drunk Phil stumbling in. Dan sighed, got up, and went to meet him. "Phil? You alright?" Phil giggled and stumbled towards him. "Yeah," he slurred, "you have sleep hair." He giggled again. "You are very pretty." Dan blushed but said, "Yeah, I was in bed, you idiot." He shook his head, but a small smile played on his lips. Phil attempted to wink, causing Dan to laugh, "You sound so northern right now." "Do I?" Phil grinned "Yes, you do. Let's get you into bed, shall we?" Dan's hand went to the small of Phil's back as he guided him into the bathroom. Dan ignored the small gasp that escaped Phil's lips. He also ignored how his friend leaned into his touch, at least externally. "Don't wanna bed," Phil whined. Dan ignored him, motioning to the door. "Go on, English major," Dan shut the door and waited. His mind was racing as he tried to slow his breathing. Phil opened the door, the harsh light from the hall made him squint, and Dan couldn't help but smile at his stupid face. "God damn it, Phil," Dan thought. "Don't laugh at me." He was self-conscientious and embarrassed. "Phil, I wasn't laughing at you. Trust me, I wasn't." Dan grasped his shoulder then slid his hand lower, returning it to the small of his back as he guided them towards Phil's room. Phil once again leaned into his touch and sighed deeply. Dan pulled him closer to his hip, holding him up while flipping on the overhead light. "No, too bright, Dan." "Okay, you baby," Dan helped Phil sit on the edge of his bed, turning on the lamp next to it instead. "I have never seen you this intoxicated Phil," Dan remarked, taking off Phil's shoes. "Yeah. Had a good time, Dan." Although he was clearly drunk, Dan knew Phil was lying, when you’ve been best friends for so long, it was extremely noticeable through the alcohol-saturated words. Phil was struggling to take off his jacket; he looked like a kid who was trapped within a collar and sleeves. Dan stood up, crossing his arms; there was no mistaking how amusing this was to him. "You could at least help, asshole." Dan laughed as he approached him. "Such dirty language." Dan put his hand on Phil's shoulder, effectively stilling him. He leaned in; he could smell sweet liquor on his friend's breath and hear Phil's heart racing. Dan wasn't sure if it was due to the struggle of trying to get his jacket off, or if Phil was nervous. Dan pulled one arm, then the other, gently out of the coat, throwing it on his dresser. "Water?" Phil asked, almost whining. Dan got it and brought it back to him. Phil was already lying in his bed, his eyes closed. "Here, Phil, you needy little shit." Dan handed him the water. He looked at Phil, a loud part of his mind was suggesting he crawl into bed next to Phil and hold him through his self-inflicted condition. Dan shook his head. "You'll be alright now, yeah?" "Yes," Phil said, sitting up slightly, taking a drink of the water. "Thanks, Danny." "Danny?" Dan smirked "Ugh, shut up," Phil said, pulling blankets over himself. Dan turned on the light in the hall just in case an emergency bathroom trip was needed. "Good night, Phil," Dan said softly as he went back to his room, smiling and shaking his head. Phil never got drunk; he was going to feel awful in the morning. Not that Dan would admit it to anyone, but secretly he was a little glad about this. It served him right for leaving him for that woman. Dan knew how childish and petty he was being; he didn't care. Being able to relax now that Phil was home and safe, Dan finally was able to drift off to sleep. When he woke up later, he was confused; something (rather, someone) warm was next to him. He panicked briefly, then saw Phil curled on his side, his back pushing against Dan's. For a moment, Dan focused on the warmth and the comfort that it had brought him, sighing contently. He felt like he was at peace for the first time in as long as he could remember. It was like it was in the past when they had slept together in the same bed. He smiled as logic suddenly butted in. "What the hell?" Dan turned over, facing Phil's back. Why was Phil in his bed? Was he okay? This worried Dan, especially after he had lied earlier about his time with Cindy; however, he doubted that was the reason he was now sharing his bed. Dan was sure Phil was here because he was too intoxicated to know he was actually in Dan’s bed instead of his own. Phil turned over, now facing Dan. It was just becoming light, and with what was shining into the window, Dan could see Phil's face was puffy. Perhaps it was from the alcohol; however, it appeared he might have been crying. Dan's scowled; why was he crying? Dan pushed Phil's fringe out of his eyes, sliding his hand down his cheek. The feelings had started years ago, but Dan knew that sooner or later, the dam would break, and he would have to leave or tell Phil the truth. He also knew that it was his fault that they hadn't gotten closer; he had made it pretty clear he wanted nothing but friendship. It wasn't the truth; it was fear. Phil's face was warm, and he wanted nothing more than to kiss those swollen lips. Smiling sadly, he pulled his hands back, placing them together under his head, on top of his pillow. He watched Phil sleep; his breathing was steady, rhythmic, and comforting. Before he knew it, it had lulled Dan back to sleep. When Dan woke up again, Phil was not there. He assumed he had sobered up and left, probably embarrassed upon realizing he was pressed against Dan, in the wrong bed. Disappointed, Dan stretched and got out of bed to take a shower, but as he approached Phil's door, he heard pitiful whimpering. Dan knocked. "Phil?" "Kill me," he responded, Dan chuckled. He got Phil some tablets for his head and knocked again. "Phil, can I come in?" "Okay." He moaned. "Pretty hungover, huh?" Dan smirked, handing him the bottle, then immediately regretting his petty thoughts from the night before. Phil was really sick. "Yes, my choices last night were," he paused, "poor," Dan didn't know if he was referring to the amount he drank, or something else, but he didn't ask. "Well, take those and go back to sleep. I will check on you later, you party animal." Dan smirked. "I'm sorry, Dan." "Just don't puke on me." Phil groaned as Dan continued onto his shower. He left Phil's door open, so there would be airflow for his poor hungover friend. Dan didn't take or give apologies very often, unless ironically. It was a flaw of his, and he was not good at conveying forgiveness. Besides, any anger Dan had been harboring dissolved quickly when he saw how poorly Phil was, now he just felt sorry for him. Dan peeked his head into Phil's room as he passed, Phil was deeply sleeping again. He would take care of Phil today; he didn't think his flatmate could do much for himself anyway. When Phil finally awoke, it was late in the afternoon. Painfully, he crept out of the bedroom to the lounge, where Dan was sitting in his sofa crease, scrolling through something on his laptop. Phil sat next to Dan, his face in his hands. Dan looked at him. "You look like hell, Phil." "I am old." Phil said, "I don't handle much anymore." Dan laughed, "30 isn't old, Phil." He said. "Old enough." He leaned back into the sofa. Not making eye contact, Dan asked, "What do you need, Phil?" Phil pulled his head out of his hands, "Coffee." Phil said simply. "Yeah, Okay. You should eat something, yeah?" "Probably," Phil said; however, his face paled slightly. Dan stood up and ruffled Phil's hair roughly. "Okay, needy." "Hey. Stop. That's not nice." Phil groaned, Dan laughed again. As Dan was in the kitchen, he made coffee and soup. Whenever Phil was sick, whether it was self-induced or not, Dan took care of him. He would act like a smart ass about it, but in all reality, he enjoyed it. Dan returned to the lounge, "coffee and soup. Interrupted my browsing, you know." He smiled, handing them to Phil, "please try not to projectile vomit all over the lounge, okay?" "Thank you," Phil took it and tentatively gulped coffee. After a few minutes, he carefully spooned an exceedingly small amount of soup into his mouth. Dan gazed at Phil; he looked so weak and powerless right now. He was adorable, fragile, and vulnerable. Dan's heart fluttered, and his stomach knotted as he noticed Phil meeting his gaze. His face flushed, "You're enjoying this power, aren't you Dan?" He asked "Yes. Immensely." Dan sat back down and continued what he was doing. "However, I am really OP right now," Phil's face scrunched up as if he had remembered something, "Dan, are you feeling better? I know you got ill a few times during the meeting. I shouldn't have even gone out last night," he turned to look at Dan, "what was wrong?" Dan blushed. "Ah yeah, Phil. I'm fine. Didn't last too long," the tension could be easily felt, but neither one said anything. "Was it lunch yesterday?" Phil asked. Dan didn't want to lie, but he didn't want to tell the truth either. "I don't think so, but it's passed now. Besides, you are far too sick to be worrying about me." Dan smirked again. "You still look flushed. You should go rest; I am okay." "And miss hung over Phil? Nice try, Mate." Dan smirked as Phil rolled his eyes. The rest of the day, they watched anime together quietly. Had Phil gone home with him last night instead of on that date, he wouldn’t feel as poorly as he did right now. Things were starting to return to normal; Dan was obsessively overthinking as per usual. What had Phil acting so out of character? Why had Phil gotten so drunk yesterday? Why did Phil lie to him about having fun with Cindy? Phil was slightly leaning against him, as he usually did, this time, however, Dan could see Phil hesitantly watching him out of the corner of his eye. It was later in the evening, and he couldn't let it go, Dan had to ask. He had been taking care of Phil all day, which was not a burden, but he had to know why this happened in the first place. Typically, Phil was the caregiver, now with the roles reversed, it was refreshing; however, it also was leaving Dan with a sense of responsibility to figure out what the hell happened last night. It was driving Dan nuts, not knowing what had happened to Phil; nothing pissed him off quicker than someone taking advantage of his friend’s kind nature and awkward social graces. Phil usually told him everything, but with the way, Dan acted it was no surprise that Phil hadn't been too forthcoming. Careful with his tone, voice soft and concerned, he asked: "Phil, what happened last night that made you drink so much?" Dan did not make eye contact. "Oh, real talk. Worried about me, yeah?" Phil joked. Dan softly and evenly said, "Yeah, Phil. I am." Phil sighed, realizing that Dan was honestly concerned. "I just, I was being myself, so you know how that goes." He sighed, "I said too much. Embarrassment, you know." He shook his head, "I don't want to talk about it; I am embarrassed now as it is." Dan gave him a sympathetic smile. His flawed clumsy, and socially awkward friend (who had a knack for sticking his foot into his mouth) was clearly not going to talk about this, at least not now. Dan had a burning desire to insist on it, but he relented. "Okay, Phil." Dan reached over and patted his leg, his hand resting there a bit too long before he quickly withdrew it. "But for the record, there is nothing wrong with you being yourself." Dan then looked straight ahead at the TV, wanting nothing more than to hug him, make him feel better. Why now? Why was this so much harder now? Dan had dealt with his pining and jealousy before, but it seemed like now he finally was starting to lose control. It scared him. The years of repressed feelings seemed to be hitting him at full force—stupid Cindy. "I'm going to bed." Phil finally broke the silence a few hours later. Dan nodded and patted Phil's leg again. "Goodnight." He watched Phil get up, stretch, and go to his room. Dan was starting to show more affection towards Phil unintentionally, and he knew that sooner or later, it was going to get him into trouble. Dan knew Phil was beginning to notice, and unless he was willing to be open with his feelings, he needed to stop. He just wasn’t sure how. As he checked Tumblr before he went to bed, a photo he hadn't seen before caught his eye. It was of Phil with that woman, and they were kissing. He was fucking kissing her! Sure, it was on the cheek, but still. That woman again. Dan's rage that had caused him to slam the laptop shut quickly faded into despair that led him to cry into his pillow. He was jealous, he was heartbroken, and he was mad. Were they a thing? Were they going to see each other again? Dan knew he shouldn't stand in the way of his friend's happiness, and he wouldn't, but he couldn't stop the pain in his chest. "This is going to kill me." He thought as he cried. Phil was still awake, thinking. He knew Dan was jealous of Cindy paying so much attention to him; he also knew how childish Dan acted. Phil figured he was upset because she had chosen to get a drink with him rather than Dan. "Girls can like me to," he thought bitterly. If Dan only knew the truth was that he had no interest in Cindy other than a friend, maybe he wouldn't react like that. But that brought to light other unanswered questions. Phil knew he should tell him, so if Dan wanted to ask Cindy out, he could and not feel bad about it. This made Phil uneasy to think of. Cindy had asked him to go for a drink because they got on so well. However, about an hour in, she asked him about Dan, and something happened that Phil didn't intend on. With the help of the sweet drinks he ingested, he started to answer questions about Dan and somehow had disclosed his deepest feelings. It was like he couldn't stop. He barely knew her, and yet there he was telling her the most important secret he had ever kept. After the word vomit, he felt stupid and fearful that he had disclosed something so vital to her, thus making another wrong choice, he continued to drink. He knew at the time it was an emotionally driven decision that wouldn’t turn out well, but he didn't care. He had been lucky that Dan wasn't so mad that he ignored him coming in last night. He was in no condition to look after himself. Somehow in a drunken haze, Phil had gotten into Dan's bed. He wasn't sure how or why, but when he woke up needing a wee, he was shocked. Quickly and quietly, he exited Dan's room, hoping he would be none the wiser. The truth of the matter was that Phil was only interested and in love with one person. Now he found himself crawling into that person's bed when he needed comfort, without even realizing it. Phil noticed that Dan had become more affectionate, but Phil assumed it was because he felt bad for him. Phil would have to find a way to go on with their lives because he knew he couldn't have Dan. Not in the way he wanted him, anyway. Phil sighed and turned over. He was not going to be able to sleep well. He got up to get a drink, passing Dan's door. He stopped when he heard soft, sad notes of the piano and sniffling. Dan was agitated. He almost knocked, but he didn't want to embarrass Dan or make him feel awkward. Still, he stood and listened a moment, his heartbreaking as the piano music stopped and a was replaced with a gut-wrenching sob. "Oh, Dan, don't cry," he whispered. Why would Dan be crying so forcefully? What had hurt him so much? When Phil headed back, he paused at Dan's door again. Silence. No longer were their sad notes or crying, filling the quiet of the night. Sighing sadly, he went back to bed. He wanted nothing more to comfort Dan, hoping he was not the reason for such a sad melody. The next morning, they had planned to go into town to get some needed supplies and props for videos, as Phil would be leaving for a few days. Dan was just stepping out of the bathroom, drying his hair, when he met Phil's eyes. Dan could have sworn he saw Phil blush. It was incredibly early for both of them to be awake, but it seemed as if neither one was sleeping well. "Phil, do you want to stop and get breakfast while we are out?" Dan's voice was still thick with sleep. "Sure." He said simply; he was tired, both physically and emotionally. He stretched and yawned. Dan stopped and looked at his friend as he passed. "Phil, are you still sick?" "No, not really, just didn't sleep well." Dan gave him a skeptical eyebrow raise, "You’re still okay to go out, though?" "I'll be fine, just want to shower and have some coffee. I'll be fine." If Phil was honest, Dan didn't look much better. His eyes were red and puffy as well as carrying a deep shade of blue-gray bags underneath them. Phil wasn't going to start that conversation, though. He was sure Dan wouldn't talk about it anyway. When they left the house, they decided to walk down their street to a small cafe nestled in a quiet corner. Both of them were unusually quiet; Dan assumed Phil was in a foul mood and decided to wait to make intelligible conversation until after he had coffee. Phil thought Dan was still mad at him for the whole Cindy incident, so he said nothing. After they were halfway through, Dan was unable to continue with the wordless breakfast. "Phil, why are you so mad at me?" Dan's head was down, and he looked up at Phil. His voice sounded more wounded than he wanted it too. Is this why he was crying last night? Phil had a confused look on his face; Dan's tone had taken him by surprise. Dan was hurt. "I-I'm not mad, but I feel like you're still mad at me," Phil said, as childish as that sounded, it was how Phil felt. "I am? I wasn't aware of this. Thanks for telling me, Phil," Dan rolled his eyes. This made the corners of Phil's mouth turn up into a smile. "Seriously?" Phil asked, "Don't think I didn't see that look you gave me when I left with Cindy." Phil said, looking at his plate, humor in is tone. Dan cleared his throat. "Ah Yeah, awkward. Sorry." Dan tried not to think of that woman and her face on Phil's lips. How close she was to him, how she got to feel his lips against her skin when Dan wasn't able to. Oh god, what other things had they done? Did she touch him? Did they? Dan tried to stop himself as the rage started to boil through his veins. It was too late. His face was red, and it was evident that he was upset. "Dan, you are mad right now!" Phil exclaimed. "No, I'm not, Phil!" Dan lied as he shifted uncomfortably. "Yes, you are. I know you, Dan. Shocking as it may be, women ask me out to get drinks too," "I know that, Phil!" Dan said too harshly; he watched Phil's expression turn to hurt; he shook his head. Shit. Quieter, he said, "Look, You know how I am, I am trying to stop, get better," Dan trailed off. Phil relented as he saw the pink tint cross his friend's face and suddenly felt guilty for causing it. Dan was already upset the night prior; Phil didn't want to create another night of depressing piano playing and sobbing. Honestly, though, he knew Dan was telling the truth. Dan was trying. Phil grabbed Dan's arm, giving it a quick squeeze. "I know." Dan shifted uncomfortably in his seat, pushing food around on his plate with his fork. "I'm sorry," Phil said, sighing. Dan waved him off, quick to change the subject. "Well, now that the train wreck is over, do you still want to get props and stuff, or would you rather head home?" Dan adjusted his fringe, avoiding making eye contact. The blush was still all over his face, much to his dismay. Why was it getting harder to talk to Phil? "I think we need to get some food at least. I wouldn't want you to starve." Phil said, smiling. "Right," he said, pulling out his wallet, taking out the correct amount. "I need to pee, and we can go." Phil smiled; it wasn't unusual for Dan to pay when they were out. Dan took care of things like this more than Phil. He was better at it, better at making it look effortless, easy. Phil usually ended up with some sort of awkwardness; whether the money fell onto a plate of leftover food or under the table, making him have to crawl on the floor to retrieve it, it always seemed like something embarrassing happened. He smiled to himself as uninvited memories flooded into his mind. Dan didn't even make a big deal of Phil's quirks when he was genuinely embarrassed; he would try to create a diversion. Phil knew he would be lost without Dan. Dan walked back and caught the tail end of what he referred to as Phil's "Fondness smile," though he wouldn't ever tell Phil he had named it that. It happened when Phil remembered something touching or endearing; however, it didn't usually occur in public. Dan looked at him for a while, the far-off look in his eyes, the way the corners of his mouth were turned up, and his teeth were showing; Dan was thankful. This was the version of Phil only Dan got to see. Smiling, Dan sighed out loud. Phil looked so innocent and beautiful with this look upon his face. "You ready to go, or you want to daydream more?" He asked as he approached him. Phil jumped slightly and blushed but quickly recovered by saying, "Yes, let's go." Phil grinned. They had been walking around for a few hours; Dan had saved Phil from injury a few times. He smiled; Phil ignored where he was going when he got involved in something. He remembered Phil's video about almost getting hit by a car while texting. "Dingus," Dan said softly, watching as Phil tried to chase a squirrel. They had gotten what they needed and started to head home. There was still tension, and Dan hated it; he just wanted things to go back to normal. They walked mostly in silence, with only a few words between them. They were back at home, and Dan went to Phil's room. "Hey, Phil," Phil looked up, "I don't know what's going on, but can we get over it? I don't like... this." Dan crossed his arms. "I just don't want anything left weird." Phil smiled, "Yeah, I'm sorry If I hurt you, Dan." "You didn't." Dan smiled at him as he lied. "Okay." "Things are too weird..." He repeated. "Yeah, I agree. Let's just forget about all that, okay?" "Agreed." Dan turned to go. "How long will you be with your family?" "Well, I'm leaving early tomorrow. I'll be gone until Friday." "Okay, I would say, "tell your mum hi," but I saw her last night, so," A pillow whizzed by Dan's head. It had been a long time since he had pulled out a "your mum" reference. "Very retro, Dan," Phil said, rolling his eyes, Dan just smirked.

Dan groaned as he stumbled out of bed at 6:30 am to bid Phil farewell. Being up this early should have been illegal. "Who takes a train at 7 in the morning?" He grumbled, rubbing his eyes. Phil laughed. "A lot of people, Dan." "Not our kind of people," "That's mostly true," Phil moved closer to Dan, smiling softly at his hobbit hair. When he reached Dan, he pulled him into a hug. "See you Friday," he whispered. "You know where I'll be," Dan responded equally as quiet. "Try not to stay on Tumblr all week," Phil said, pulling away, picking up his luggage. "Yes, Mom." Dan smirked, "Have a safe trip." "I will take care of yourself, Dan." With that, Phil left the flat, and Dan was now sentenced to spend the next four or so days alone. It was far too early to be awake, so Dan stumbled back into his bed. Phil texted him later on in the day. "I got here safely. See you Friday." "Good. See you Friday."

Dan tried to record a video, but he just couldn't force the motivation. Instead, he found himself watching through old videos; he listened to Phil talk through the screen. It made him smile and feel homesick, it seemed ridiculous to Dan, but home wasn't a place; home was a feeling. Dan closed his eyes. "I am screwed," he said out loud before he dozed off. The rest of the days (and nights) consisted of Dan finding ways to pass the time. He wasn't sleeping well, but he already had figured that would happen. He found himself playing his piano until the early hours of the morning, lying down to sleep for maybe an hour or two, and doing nothing productive during the day. He was not motivated most days, and with Phil gone, it was even worse. Jealousy sprung to the surface after seeing that Phil had posted on Twitter, he was having a great time and looked well-rested and relaxed. Liking the post, Dan locked his phone and set it down; he couldn't muster any more than that. The days passed slowly; Dan was miserable. Without realizing his destination, one night, he wandered into Phil's bedroom. He knew he shouldn't be there, but he couldn't help it. Phil's room felt like a safe place amongst the demons chanting in his head. He sat on the bed, hugged one of the trademark colorful pillows tightly to his chest, and took a shaky breath. He was confused; he had no idea why this trip was the one that had him crying into his best friend's pillow. It had never gotten this bad before. Everything was so overwhelming right now, so raw. It wasn't as if Dan hadn't missed Phil before when he was gone, but this was far more intense than it had ever been. Frustrated and embarrassed, Dan put the pillow back, got up, turned out the light, and shut the door. The word codependent kept echoing in his thoughts. Shaking his head, he made his way back to his room. He should at least try to sleep. After what seemed like ages of trying, he gave up and resigned himself to staring into the nothingness of the room. Phil was coming home in the morning, this came with many emotions, and now that he was thinking of it, Dan couldn't sleep at all. Something had to give. Dan couldn't keep living this lie. He missed Phil more than he would miss a best friend; he missed him like his boyfriend. "Maybe I should," Dan stopped that thought right away. He wanted so badly to tell Phil that he was in love with him, to admit why he got so jealous. Dan was so afraid that he would ruin their friendship, their careers, and the empire they had built together. He was mostly scared he would cause irreparable damage to the most important relationship he had ever had. Was it better having Phil like this, or not at all? He didn't know. Dan looked at the clock; it was 7:00 am. Finally, exhaustion overtook him, and he drifted off to sleep, thinking of black fringe and beckoning blue eyes.

****

So, if you were not around for the first draft of this, (It was started in 2017) this is draft two. This was the first official "Phanfic" that I started and left unfinished for literal years. It was always a thorn in my side as I am a completionist and it really bugged me that I had left this a WIP. In April I announced I was giving it a revamp and would finish it because it was important to me. And it still is. With that being said, I struggled to revamp and finish this, I had lost my passion for the story. My mind demons are telling me I shouldn't even post this, but I made a promise, and I keep them. I don't have an editor, I have software, so if there are mistakes, I did the best I could with that I had.

Kudos on A03, comments, likes or reblogs are really appreciated if you feel so inclined. 

*****

Hospital

A03

Random one shots series

Prompt Phrase:

Suddenly everything became blurry and dark.

Suddenly everything became blurry and dark, but he was aware it was happening. He wasn’t really awake, nor was he totally unconscious. What had happened? What was the last thing he could remember? Nothing, he could remember nothing. His whole body was tingling, not exactly painful, and yet it was still an abnormal sensation. His own mortality briefly crossed his mind, was he dead? Is this what felt like? Wasn’t there supposed to be a white light or an angel?

“Holy shit,” a voice, fearful and shocked, cut through the haze. “Phil?”

Yes, that was right, his name was Phil, he lived in London with, “Hey, can you hear me?”

Yes. Phil realized that he hadn’t made an audible sound, he tried again. Yes, Dan. I hear you.

“I need an ambulance,” Phil could hear bits and pieces of the conversation. “I don’t know, I just found him on the floor, yes, I did, no response. He’s burning up, too. Right, okay.” What was happening? Why was this happening? Phil didn’t have time to think about that much as searing pain now flooded his senses, emulating from his head. He groaned.

“Phil, don’t move, okay? I have help on the way.”

He was moving, he couldn’t even tell. He just wanted the pressure in his head to stop, and the pain that now spread everywhere else to as well.  “Oh, god,” that time, it was out loud.

“It’s okay, I have help on the way,”

“Dan?”

“Yeah, I’m here. They’ll be here soon,”

“What,” the tingling started again as the pain intensified, and then there was nothing.

 “So, you just found him on the floor?”

“Yeah, he woke up for a bit, then passed out again. And I am sure he has a temperature.”

“Okay,” Phil now heard the voice of someone he didn’t know, but judging by the sterile chemical smell, he assumed he was in the hospital.

“Ah,” Phil had said out loud, hardly aware that he was the one making the sound.

“Phil? Can you hear me?” It was a strange voice again.

“Yeah,” he tried to open his eyes, but the pain instantly caused him to close them. “Hurts,”

“What hurts?”

“Head, neck and I’m cold,” there was some activity in the room then that Phil couldn’t see but could hear. He knew he heard Dan inhale loudly. “Dan?”

“Yeah,” his voice was hoarse, “I’m here,”

“Where am I?”

“You’re at the hospital, Phil,” it was the man who he now assumed was a doctor, “can you open your eyes for me?”

“Hurts,”

“Migraine,” Dan said to no one in particular. He heard rushed footsteps and then the click of a light switch. “Try now, Phil,”

It still hurt, but not nearly as severely.

“Okay, Phil, can you please look at my finger?”

Tests, lots of tests, Phil didn’t think that it was fair to make someone so poorly do all these tasks, but he did. He was suddenly in a whirling tube, which clicked and clunked, sounding as If a piece of machinery was close to exploding. It was so loud that the pain that spiked as a result had caused Phil to feel sick.

He was moving again, then not, then there was a hand in his. He cracked his eyes open slightly; he was instantly dizzy.

“Hey,” Dan’s soft, comforting voice came through the pain.

“It’s getting worse, now I’m dizzy,”

“It could be the medication,” Dan brushed Phil’s hair off of his forehead. “It’s okay, just rest,”

“Am I okay?” He opened his eyes wide enough to look at Dan’s.

“Yeah, they’re just running some tests, you should rest.”

Phil closed his eyes, swallowed hard, and opened them again, “I know when you are lying, Dan,”

He sighed, “They’re not sure.”

Phil didn’t panic; there wasn’t anything he could do anyway. “Oh,”

“But,” Dan rushed to finish, “They are taking really good care of you, and we are going to get to the bottom of this and fix it. So, like, obviously, you’ll be fine.”

“Mm,”

“I love you,”

Phil smiled, “I love you, too. You don’t need to be scared,”

“Fuck,” Dan stood up, blinking back tears. “I have to go to the toilet.”

Phil closed his eyes again; he was exhausted. Before the darkness retook him, he remembered thinking that someone should check on Dan.

“Phil,” the black brightened into a muted yellow glow, “Can you open your eyes, please?” It was another medical professional. “I need to take some blood,”

“What?”

“He needs your arm, and it needs to be really still,” Dan squoze his shoulder.

He felt the prick, but it wasn’t enough to make him flinch. When the nurse had left, he looked at Dan.

“Any news?”

“No,”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Liar,”

“Can we not do this right now?”

“Sorry,” Phil sighed,

“No, I’m sorry. Everything is fine.”

Phil didn’t say anything. His head was starting to feel fuzzier and fuzzier anyway. “Did you call my parents?”

“Yeah, and Martyn and Cornelia, don’t worry about anything right now, yeah? Just rest,”

“Right,” Phil faded back into blackness.

When he awoke again, though the lights were off, he could tell it was day from the light spilling through the blinds. Looking to his left, he saw Dan sleeping in a chair with his head resting on the bed.  Phil smiled and ran his hand through the curly mop; he couldn’t resist. Dan sighed contently but did not wake up. Phil took inventory of himself; his head wasn’t hurting as bad as it was before; it was tolerable; he didn’t notice any other pain, and the fuzziness was gone. Was he okay now? He was too tired to think anymore.

When he woke up again, Dan was gone. Phil yawned and shifted slightly when sharp pain spread across his hand, looking down, he noticed that he had an IV in his hand, which made sense.

“Phil, how are you feeling?” It was one of the doctors.

“I’m okay, actually. My head doesn’t hurt nearly as bad, I am drained, and my hand hurts,”

“Doc Mac,” he introduced himself, “Good to hear about the head, let’s see how we can make the hand more comfortable,”

“What’s wrong with me?”

“You, my friend,” the doctor re-taped the IV, the pain in his hand instantly got better. “have Encephalitis.”

“Um, what?”

“Basically, it’s an inflammation of the brain due to infection. At least in your case, it is,”

“So, it’s treatable, right?”

“Yes, we have you on strong antibiotics, we have your temperature under control, and it seems the pain is starting to recede as well.”

“How did I get Encephalitis?”

“We’re not sure, entirely. Yours, however, was bacterial, so we are treating it with antibiotics. Do you want something else for pain?”

“No, it’s not that bad right now,”

“If that changes, let us know.”

“When can I go home?”

“Let’s give it a few days. You had a pretty strong reaction to some of the medications. We just want to make sure you’re okay. Also, you still need intravenous antibiotics.”

“Okay,”

“I’ll be back later to check on you. If you need anything, let us know,”

“Thanks,”

Dan returned shortly later; he looked showered and fresh. The smile he gave was a smile that was only reserved for Phil.

“You look happy,”

“Of course, I’ve had coffee,”

“Braggart,”

“I see you are feeling better?”

“Yeah, somewhat. Apparently, I have Encephalitis,”

“Yeah, I heard.”

“I don’t understand how I didn’t know; wouldn’t you think there would have been symptoms leading up to it?”

Dan shrugged, “I am just glad that you are better now,” he said softly.

“Dan,”

“Your family knows, Martyn convinced your mum that you were okay, and she didn’t have to travel all the way here. I am under strict orders for you to call her as soon as you are able,”

“Dan,”

“Don’t. Please, just not now, okay?”

“Okay, thanks for staying with me,”

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else,”

 Three days later, they were on their way home. Phil had several medications that he would be required to take for some time. He was impressed, Dan listened more carefully to the instructions than Phil had, Phil wasn’t sure, but he had a suspicion that Dan had also recorded them. Phil didn’t think that it was necessary, but Dan had been acting strangely since Phil had woken up; if this made him feel better, so be it. Phil knew eventually they would talk about it, get to the bottom of what was going on. And if the past indicated anything, it would be sooner than later.

It felt good to be home, to smell their house, to feel like home.  Phil huffed out a breath as he threw himself down on the sofa. Dan had taken all of the items from the hospital from him right away, making sure that everything was neatly sorted and stored. Again, Phil thought that a lot more effort had gone into this than necessary, but he said nothing.  

“Okay, everything is put away, no meds until tomorrow. So, nap time?”

“No, I’ve been in a bed for days,”

“Okay, well, you will have to sooner or later. You have to rest,” Phil realized that Dan was still scared, he patted the spot next to him.

“Sit down, Danny, we need to talk.”

“Because that’s not concerning,”

Phil smiled, shaking his head, “talk to me,”

“About what?”

“Dan,” Phil looked at him incredulously,

“I’m fine, Phil,”

“We are home now, no audience, please just be honest with me,”

“I am. Don’t worry about me,”

“You know that’s literally impossible, right?”

Dan let out a long breath, “yeah,”

“Spill,”

“I was so scared,” his voice sounded vulnerable, “and I was so fucking mad,”

“Mad?”

“I fucking froze, Phil. You were on the floor, I froze,”

“It’s okay, Dan,”

“No, it’s not, you could have died, and it would have been my fucking fault,”

“Dan,”

He shook his head, “When I knew that you were really sick, I panicked, but at least I was able to call the fucking ambulance. You were so warm, and yet your face was ashen.”

“I’m sorry,”

“But the worst part is that I couldn’t even handle it, like. I tried, and yet I still was panicked.”

“That’s a normal reaction,”

“You wouldn’t have done what I did, you wouldn’t have frozen,”

“You’re wrong, you know,”

“You’re just trying to make me feel better,”

“No, I’m not. When I first saw you lying face down in the hall, before I knew what the hell you were doing, I froze too. And I panicked.”

“That’s different, I wasn’t actually unconscious,”

“I didn’t know that,”

Dan looked up, his eyes glossy, “When they said they didn’t know what was going on, and that it was serious, I just, I lost it. I wanted to make sure that I was there for you, strong, but I couldn’t keep from thinking the worst. I mean, of course I did, you’ve met me. Like, how would I attend your funeral, how would I move out of this flat, how would I end YouTube,”

Phil leaned over and kissed Dan, shutting him up. A muffled sob escaped from Dan around the kiss, Phil pulled back. “It’s okay, Dan. I am okay. I am so sorry you went through that alone,” he cradled his face, “I am okay, Dan. You listened to the doctors more than I did, so they said I’m good, yeah?” Dan nodded, “See? You need to relax, I am okay.”

“Don’t you dare die on me, Phil Lester,”

“I won’t, at least not for a long time.”

“Sorry to be so emo,”

“Daniel Howell, you know I never mind your emotions.”

He wiped his eyes, “One day, hopefully, I will feel the same. Anyway, nap?”

“Nice deflection. No, Dan, I told you I don’t need a nap,”

“Selfish, I do.”

“Well, by all means,”

Dan looked up at him, “Come with me?”

Phil smiled widely, “Okay,”

So, they laid down to nap, and though Phil wouldn’t tell Dan, he was actually exhausted. As Dan drifted off to sleep on his chest, Phil could physically feel the tension leave Dan’s body. Phil pressed a kiss onto the top of Dan’s curls, “Love you so much,” he whispered as he fell into blackness again, this time happy it was happening.

My Skin had to be thicker

Phil is always a good Caregiver when Dan's depression reappears, Phil reflects on what that means.

A03

Ghost version of myself (The series on A03) 

I look at him from across the room; he looks tired. His hair is a disheveled mess; a thin blue line lies underneath his eyes. I know that he is struggling, but I am afraid to pop the thin bubble layer that has been us pretending it isn’t bad again. It’s quarantine, I am sure of it. We didn’t go out that much as it was, but now knowing that we couldn’t (Well, it was more like we shouldn’t) took away some of the control he was still trying to cling to.

“Dan?” “Hm?” “Why don’t you go to bed?” “It’s 1:00 pm, Phil,” “You’re tired,” “News flash, depression.” “Right,” I stopped trying, at least for now. I have come to know when my words will only make things worse. “I am going to the office,” “Don’t need my permission,” I held back the exasperated sigh that was demanding to be released. I knew he was trying to get a reaction; it was something he did subconsciously, I think. He wanted to get the feelings out, but he would do so by aggression. He knew it was an issue, but he was still working on it. This is why I just walked away. I knew it was best not to engage with him when he was like this. I also knew that he was going to feel like shit about it later. I didn’t have anything to do in the office, but I wanted to create some space. Part of what I had learned reading various books and forums was to create some distance for myself. It took a while before the words stopped stinging, but now I could remove myself if I needed to. Dan never intended to hurt me, but I knew that depression came as part of the package, at least I did now. I knew that he wouldn’t always be kind, that his words wouldn’t always make me smile and that sometimes I just needed a break. When it dawned on me that this was the case, I was so mad at myself. I felt like I had abandoned him like I was leaving him alone in a dark, scary room with no way out. At least if I were there, he could see the exit and know it would get better. I spent the better part of two weeks degrading myself for my perceived lack of strength and will power I had to of left him. He told me to leave, well actually what he had said was, “I know I am a dick when I am like this, so you should just fucking leave me,” The hot white rush of panic made me assure him that I wouldn’t leave, that he wasn’t a dick and that it was fine. Which it was, for a while, but everyone has their limits.  Mine was when I asked if he wanted anything, and he told me to bugger off, except it came out as, “You are not my fucking dad, Phil. I don’t need you to change my fucking nappies,” I actually felt my face heat, and my eyes fill as I turned and walked away. I locked myself in the office for hours that day, fell asleep on the desk, and didn’t emerge until afternoon.  Dan seemed to be better the next day, as he approached me, “We need to talk,” “Yeah,” I had choked out, “We do,” That was the most challenging conversation we had; Dan was sincere, I was as honest as I could be, and we worked out somewhat of a plan. He had included his therapist, and we all decided that the best option for us was for me not to engage Dan, so that’s what we have been doing. It’s not easy; I still want to coddle him, hold him, and tell him that he is going to be okay. Tell him he is worthy of love and attention and praise, but that’s selfish, as well as extremely invalidating.  So, here I sit, looking up random things on Google. The problem that we are having is a timeframe, sometimes it’s an hour, sometimes it’s days, but we work through it. Dan had timidly approached me more times than I can count to apologize, I always made sure to be very understanding and forgiving. I knew he loved me, I knew he didn’t want to hurt me, and I knew that he was already upset enough with himself for the both of us. A little over an hour had passed when I went back downstairs; Dan was curled into the corner of the sofa, limbs awkwardly tucked away as if to make himself as small as possible.  “Hey, Dan,” I said, placing a hand on his back, “You should try to eat something,” lifting his head slightly, I saw the blue now combine with puffy red splotches. “Phil, I’m, you know,” “Yeah, love, I know. I forgive you; I love you; I am not leaving you.” “Okay,” “How about a bath, hm?” He shook his head; I always tried that first. I knew how good it made him feel, but I also know the extreme amount of effort it took to actually go through with, “Okay, food, then.” “I’m not hungry,’ “No, I’d imagine not, you still need to eat something.” “I can’t even think about food; I am going to projectile vomit everywhere.” “Soup, it is then, coffee?” “I guess,” “Okay, be right back,” I started the soup and reached for the decaffeinated coffee; I still don’t know if Dan knows that I juke him.; caffeine is not something that helps him, but the flavor is a comfort, and I want him to have it. A friend once asked me if I ever had gotten sick of taking care of him like a child, making sure he didn’t drink or eat things he shouldn’t, bathing, teeth brushing, I saw red. I know there wasn’t a malicious intent, but my shock could be seen on my face. How dare someone to assume what I am doing it a burden? How dare they presume to know something so private, so personal, so us? I stopped speaking to them for months. Looking back now, I think they were just concerned for me; being a caregiver can be really difficult. Was it always easy? No, of course not, but it was still always worth it. The love I feel for Dan is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. Of course, I would do this for him.  Did I get burned out? Yeah, maybe at first when Dan was undiagnosed and was entirely too far into denial to see that he needed help. It was a difficult time for us both, not just me. I took a break, then, going home for a week and came back. When I did, Dan already had an appointment. That’s the thing that most people either overlook or fail to recognize with depression; while you are in the darker places, you still are just as smart as you were. You are not dumb, nor native, and most of the time, you know what you are doing to yourself and probably even others, but you can’t really change it. At least without the proper tools. Dan is so clever, so witty, that I know when he is sucked into the black hole of nothingness, it destroys him when he can feel again.  Your personality, flaws, and quirks don’t all evaporate entirely; the just are put into a really hard to open container that is weighted down by massive amounts of whatever your particular flavor is misery is. “Soup, coffee,” “Thanks,” He looks a little better now; maybe a good cry is what he needed. His lips are swollen, and his eyes are still shiny, my heart clenches, but I don’t let him know. “Do you want to watch something?” “Don’t care,” I turned on a nature documentary about sloths; there was nothing but information and happiness in this particular one. (I should know, I had watched it three times.) I tried to focus more on the screen than Dan, just peeking at him every so often. He was watching the screen, sipping coffee, and taking small slurps off of his spoon. This was good; some days, it took me a lot of convincing to get him to eat.   When he snickered at a pun that was made halfway through, I felt as if a weight were lifted off of me; I felt so light I could float away.  This storm had been a short one, it would seem, but I wouldn’t know for sure until the following day, no matter how the night ended.  Despite knowing this and knowing how disappointing it was when the new day might not bring what I wanted, I smiled.  This was better, this was good, this was progress. “You look loopy tired,” he looked at me, and one corner of his mouth slightly showed sympathy.  I wasn’t something just anyone would catch; it was something someone who had studied for years would see. “Yeah, it’s getting late.” “Yeah,” “Would you like anything else to eat?” “No, ah, thanks,” “I’m glad you could eat the soup,” I said, standing, patting his leg, and taking his dishes. After putting all things back and shutting off the kitchen light, I refilled our bedside waters and set them down. I made sure the bed was easy to get into, leaving one of my hoodies on Dan’s pillow just in case the extra comfort would help him.  “Do you want to take a bath before sleeping?” He shook his head, “Are you okay with me, sleeping in the same bed tonight?” Sometimes when he was like this, he wanted to sleep alone, something else we had hatched out when we actually talked. I respected it; I never made him feel bad for it, I allowed him his space. “Yeah,” “Okay, up then,” Dan carefully stood up and stretched. He followed me into our bathroom and started to mirror my routine, washing our faces and brushing our teeth. After I was convinced Dan had done a proper job, we rinsed out mouths and headed to bed. I guess it was somewhat like I was taking care of a child if you were on the outside looking in, but with a child, I would have to tell them to do things because they didn’t know well enough, with Dan he knew, he just couldn’t force himself to do it. I never want Dan to feel like I am patronizing him or that I think he is an actual child because, of course, I don’t.  He hasn’t ever said anything like that, but sometimes I wonder and worry. “On or off?” My finger hovered over the switch for the nightlight I had bought, knowing sometimes Dan would need it. “Ah,” “I’ll just turn it on, and if it bothers us, we can turn it off, okay?” “Yeah, okay.” Carefully he climbed into bed as if he were in pain. Actually, he could be; I hear depression even physically hurts. “Do you need tablets?” “No, just want to sleep,” “Okay, love.” I crawled in next to him, laying on my back, my head resting on my arms. I had to keep my hands to myself until told otherwise, which was a difficult task.  All I wanted to do is hold Dan tightly to my chest and murmur soft words of love and comfort into his ear as he fell asleep.  I feel the bed shift, and Dan inch closer.  Slowly he lays with his head on my chest, and I can feel him hug me slightly. With consent granted, I wrapped my arms around him and pressed a kiss into his hair. “I know I probably don’t deserve this with how I acted earlier, so thank you.” “Dan, I wouldn’t do that to you. You know, that, right? I understand.” I felt him still, “I understand that you feel bad,” I continued, not wanting to offend him, “I understand that what happened made you sad. It’s okay. I’ve already forgiven you. We are working through this. YOU are working through this; you are brave, and I am always going to be here for you.” “You are too good to me, you know,” He says through a loud yawn. “Well, I am Amazing Phil,” I can hear his scoff softly into my chest. “My Amazing Phil,” “Always.”

Hah! Perfect. 

analyze all Phil emojis pls

i’m gonna do examples of each one in the context of which i think phils uses these emojis

1. 👌🏼

definitely uses it after dan suggests something like “hey lets order takeout” or “i just passed ur fave muffin place do u want anything” and phil’s all “👌🏼👌🏼 bring me a croissant biatch”

2. ✨

i imagine dnp send this emoji to each other a lot as a joke like “love you dumb bitch ✨” and “stop leaving coffee granules on the counter or i will literally kill you ✨” and so on

3. 🎈

i’m guessing maybe it was someone’s birthday and he used it? i couldn’t even find this emoji at first so yeah unless he and dan are sending balloons to each other to see who can do their best pennywise impression, idk

4. 📅

just for the tweet, nothing fun about this one

5. 🤔

probably dan asking him what he wants for dinner and phil sending a million of these bastard emojis as he thinks in real time because phil lester shall not be rushed

6. 🥳

again, guessing it’s someone’s birthday

7. 😱

i like to imagine that if phil’s working on a new video dan goes to sit in the lounge and keep an eye on things and gives him hourly updates on the wildlife of london which earns him a load of shocked face emojis once dan tells him steve has been eaten by barry the fox

8. 😊

the kind of emoji he’d send to kath because who else do you send this emoji to?

9. 😆

*straight friend texts him something mildly funny* phil: ten of these bad boys in a row

10. 🧐

dan: “WHERE TF IS THE PLUG I PUT IT IN ONE SPECIFIC PLACE COR A READINS SOSMSJANSKSKAHS” phil:

11. 📆

again was just used to for the tweet. rip the emojis that came before them

12. 😁

dan: did you eat my mf cereal??? phil: yes 😁

13. 🐟

definitely a norman emoji. how many updates does he send out to everyone he knows ?? how do i subscribe to the norman text thread???

14. 😇

another example of phil being a shit.

dan: where are my snacks i specifically left in the fridge for me ?? phil: heehee

15. 🐠

what can i say another norman emoji. he really loves his fish child huh

16. 😰

for when dan does actually go out to kill phil when he leaves coffee granules on the kitchen side again...

17. 🦓

phil: this is u rn :)

dan pulling his stripped sweater over his face whilst flipping phil off

18. ❓

when dan doesn’t answer his texts and he’s him alone bored

19. 🐆

for when dan decides to step out of his comfort zone with stripes and goes for spots and phil just makes fun of him again

20. 🐌

dan texting phil a picture of the snails he saved on the way home and phil offering his support in the form of emojis ;_;

21. 🐦

some pigeon updates im sure

22. 😎

phil is a cool dude, okay? he 100% does not use this ironically and will send it after making a terrible joke because phil is king

23. 😭

dan and phil send each other cute shit all the time, mans needs a good cry at something adorable from time to time, get it out babes

24. 🏳️‍🌈

mother fucking gay rights baby. and whenever dnp send each other some gay shit they definitely use this :)

25. 🍹

dan and phil cocktail night helllllll yes

26 & 27. 🥂🏠

i actually wrote a fic about this uh cough cough spon

28. 🏚

phil: hey babe just fyi i blew the entire house up so don’t come home yet also can u pls bring back some food because ours is currently on fire rip forever home thanks xox

29. 🍕

phil: get me dominos, bitch

30. 🥑

after dan refuses because he’s trying to be more healthy

phil: fuck avocados philly want sizzler

So, Yeah

I am trying to post Your soul knew it belonged to me, and yet every time I edit it I stop. 

Like, it’s done.... I just. I don’t know. I want to post it, but I don’t.

I will, I just, my head is messy RN. Not that anyone really follows me here, lol. But if you do, I just wanted to let you know I didn’t forget, and I swear it won’t be three years.

Sorry, bro.(s)